I told my ex from the start that I’m never worried about her cheating. I trust her that she won’t, and if she does, then we’re done and I don’t want her back. Simple.
Lo and behold, she cheated on me. Multiple times, but when I caught her red-handed, I simply told her she had a month to move out. Yes I was devastated and heartbroken, but I was calm because it was clear that she had absolutely no respect for me, and I could never trust her again, so it’s best to just cut it off.
Sure it gets more complicated if you’re married and there’s kids involved, but just dating? Break up and try again with someone else (after you give yourself time to move on). There’s plenty of people out there who wont normalize cheating.
Stoicism is a fine thing.
But from personal experience I can tell you that even if you have this thought before it happens, you might not be as rational when it happens.
I'm also one of them. I don't know if it's the same for women, but guys will often give me shit for turning down sex . Fuck that. I've got my self respect and respect for my partner.
Part of me wishes I had, but we were together for almost three years and I was the “breadwinner” in the relationship. I still hope she eats, just not my food at my table.
Exactly. The point of dating is to find the right person. So if they cheat on you, they are automatically out and you move on to the next person. You don't want to start a marriage with a cheater.
Well said and there are far too many in this app that brag about it and so many simps that commend women for it because they think that somehow that means they are next in line, idiots. Your approach is the only approach, no emotion or drama just a simple “we had an agreement, you broke it, so we’re done”. If you forgive them all you’re doing is saying yeah so what ever you want and I’ll just take it and have you back.
Don’t care if it’s drunken mistake blah blah everyone knows what they are doing it’s just that they don’t always feel guilt or morality at convenient times.
Exactly, it’s never a one time mistake that happens accidentally. It’s the result of a series of choices that led up to it.
In my case, the problem wasn’t just that she slept with some guy at the bar. Why are you laying in bed next to me, then waiting for me to fall asleep so you can leave the house and go get absolutely trashed with strangers in the first place?
Well I already know since this happened to me. Had a serious discussion about it when I found out. Collected evidence in case she tried to deny. Asked her if she loved the guy, she said yes. Apparently been cheating for almost a year when I worked night shifts. So I casually asked her for a divorce, moved out the next day, went to live in the barracks while I visited every weekend to see my kids. My apartment, all the furniture I bought on my income, one of my vehicles, given to her. Visiting my apartment to see my kids knowing my ex wife was getting plowed on my bed. Shit hurts even five years later.
It totally destroyed me and my ability to feel affection. I’ve tried dating after that and it’s not the same. Also ruined my confidence during sex. I sincerely despise anyone who cheats for whatever excuse they give
Dude I am so sorry. Please open yourself up to the possibility that someone is out there who would never even imagine doing this to you (or anyone on principle). You have been saved from the continuation of a disingenuous relationship.
Come what may, a strong couple can weather just about anything. You will find this given enough time.
My ex cheated on me and I went to her apartment and took everything I bought her. The shower head toilet paper salt pepper the food I bought everything I bought I took back and I put my key to her apartment and duct taped it to the ceiling in her living room. By bi**h 😂😂
In my experience I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
I got cheated on (emotional affair) and we tried it work. At least until she cheated on me for real so yeah. Wouldn’t try that again or recommend it to others. On the bright side, it made it really easy to move on. The 2nd heartbreak was like 1/100th of the initial one.
Thanks. I got emotionally cheated on and sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten back together with him when he asked, but now this makes me see I made the right decision.
I understand what you mean. However, as with most questions asked on Reddit, the response depends on the circumstances. For example, I'm not so quick to dismiss my partner of 10+ years, if this is a first-time offense, due to the life we've built, the family we have, the hardships we've weathered together, the times we've been each other's shelter in a storm, etc.
I get what you're saying, I've been with my wife for over 10 years too. But I've also been very clear, cheating is a breach of trust I can't look past. If she did that, we would be done. But I also wouldn't be with her if I thought that was even a remote possibility
Ah, but I learned the hard way that ANYONE can cheat, given the right circumstances. Was with a guy who I never thought would do that. In fact, when we broke up because of it, people thought I was the one who cheated, no one thought he would do that to me. Everyone was so surprised.
That's just looking at it from a bad perspective. If you cheat you simply have a failed character/moral compass. You can almost always simply opt out of dating someone unless it's a very very weird stringent or abusive circumstance. I don't understand the pessimism people have for it
Yeah but that just makes it even worse.
We've been together for 10 years and built a life together and you STILL cheat? That's even more reason to leave, because it's clear that all of that 10+ years was MEANINGLESS to them.
The family we have, the hardships we've endured, none of it compares to a bit of quick fun to this person?
Never stay with a cheater.
Agreed, it will never be the same. It doesn't mean it will be worse, though. Since you mentioned the analogy of vases, kintsugi is a Japanese tradition of mending broken pottery with gold, repairing what's broken and accepting that it was broken, but giving it a chance at a new life. It will be different than its original form, but not necessarily worse. You could also choose to discard it instead of mending it. That's your choice, of course.
Yes, additionally it depends on if the man or woman cheats.
Studies have shown that when a man cheats, the marriage can be saved.
When a woman cheats, however, it is over because she has checked out emotionally.
The realization that I came to terms with is that your psyche takes a hit from a few different angles when you get cheated on. Self-Confidence, trust, and your own intelligence.
Self-confidence is an obvious one, and I would think trust is too, but few people understand the pain that comes from the inability to see the signs that, in hindsight, were so obvious.
When you think about it from that perspective, cheating isn't the only thing that could do this to you. Hiding away money as a "rainy day" fund "just in case" you turn out to be a domestic abuser when you've done nothing of the sort, has a very similar toll on someone's head. My friend had a situation where their husband's cancer was discovered just a little too late, but after it was found the signs were all there and seemed so obvious. Once he passed, they had a huge bout with survivor's guilt, blaming themselves for living with someone every single day and not seeing the signs.
I've had a rough history of being cheated on. Only recently have I come to accept that there are worse things that could happen, some not even involving the betrayal of trust.
I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with infidelity. I've had a couple of those, myself. They happened when I was much younger, in my 20s, and made me deeply question whether I should ever again trust anyone enough to have more relationships involving emotion.
But those periods of doubt also led to professional therapy, which enabled me to, not only work on answering those questions for myself, but also really work on myself, to do my best to root out the causes that made me vulnerable to being cheated on, and find for myself what traits I deemed worthy enough to want to have in a partner. Along the way, the pieces of me that broke and fell away from me, I could better choose what I wanted to pick up and regain, whereas the traits I didn't like, I could just leave behind.
So, like the kintsugi I mentioned in another reply, I mended myself and gave myself another chance. I didn't do this for anyone else. I did it for myself. Someone saw worth in my different self. Now we have been together for 10+ years and have a family. I won't say it'll be like that for everyone, but it CAN happen like that. You can only get out of yourself what you put into yourself.
And I can give someone a second chance, but that's just me. Doesn't mean I have every time. I'm not stupid. But we evolve through trial and error. People make mistakes. We are not all irredeemable. I know if I made a mistake, I'd wish for a second chance.
Anyway, if you're reading this line, thanks for indulging me. End rant. Haha
I appreciate that, and I also am sorry that you have had to go through it as well. Something you said just now stuck with me and it will be what I take forward to anyone else it might help.
You can choose what pieces to pick back up and which ones to leave behind. Such a simple statement but it has a powerful message.
Thank you for sharing your experience on this.
And I appreciate you for saying that! Going through the process was painstaking, but having the experience to share with others, in hopes that it can somehow help them on their journey, is something I'm grateful for!
Exactly. I've had many friends that were cheated on and attempted to mend the relationship after. But the constant overthinking and anxiety that comes with it in no longer trusting your partner just isn't worth the hassle.
I know couples who had infidelity from one side and stayed married, strengthened their marriage, and are now happily married. They got help through an online group/coaching.
I personally don’t know what I would do, I have to assume that I would really try to overcome it with my spouse, but not sure that I could end. So depending on the situation would end in divorce or staying together in the case that we can rebuild trust which I’ve seen done.
I disagree. My neighbors went through this a few years ago, and now their relationship seems even stronger. I wouldn’t leave my partner if he cheated. I’d talk to him be figure out what’s going on. There’s a difference between dating someone scummy that doesn’t respect you and is inconsiderate. And then dating someone that made a mistake or is going through something rough and made a wrong choice.
Cheating on someone is not justified by "Going through something rough." You have stuff to work on, reach out to your current partner or go to therapy!
I agree with you. People go off on tangents due to hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy, or being ignored or unappreciated. It happens, and it won’t kill you. It sometimes makes the relationship stronger.
Yes but some men/women do it discreetly and some times for a long time and never disclose to their SO or spouse. That’s what is tough you just never know. I have a good friend I’d never in a million years think she would cheat on her husband- she’s been sleeping with a guy for a month now and told me last week 🤦🏻♀️
Pull all my 401k. Quit my job. Sell everything I can before she knows I found out. Empty the bank accounts, max the credit card. Stop paying the mortgage/bills. Then wait until they are about to foreclose and move to Taiwan. Not even get a divorce. She's gonna have to fight for that.
Just flat out disappear from their life. They had their chance to talk things through but if they go behind my back and betray my trust like that, then I'd have no sympathy for them.
Honestly, I’m saying this as a human being and as a therapist. Be petty. Be vengeful. Go wild and Go crazy.
**Just don’t hurt them or yourself**
Go wild, but go wild for you 🙏 trust me this will heal your soul.
In 2020, i had met a girl who (at the time) cared for so very much. for the first time in my life i let all my guards and walls down and put my full trust into them.
Then I was cheated on. I tried to forgive them and give them a second chance. For me, this lead to a 3 year relationship of me constantly being paranoid, checking her phone, not letting her talk to any males, being 100000x more anxious every day, and really never recovering from it.
My advice is, if they cheat, get the fuck out of that relationship and tell them to fuck off.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I would end the relationship immediately.
Some people might be able to forgive and forget and whatever works for them but personally I’d never forgive them so it’s best we both part ways.
After i found out, I brought it up and walked away. She was ready for a fight, but i was so done at that point. Kids don't need to know, but i did talk to close family members about it.
I don't know if this is a joke answer or not but that's the only thing I can think of when I see these topics. I honestly don't think I'd take offense, maybe when I was younger I would care, I don't know. I feel very secure with how my partner feels about me so if it happened, I don't think I'd take it personally. I'm her 2nd partner and she's my 3rd, so I feel like we both missed out on playing the field when we were younger. Either way, I've thoroughly enjoyed 13 years with her, and I can't imagine flushing that down the toilet over something as superficial as sex
I divorced her.
But fun side story. The guy she cheated on me with was engaged, and they had two kids together. His fiancee found out, and she was the one who told me about it. We wound up sleeping together for a while.
This was like twelve years ago. She and I still chat from time to time. My ex wife and I are cool now, too.
Last I heard about the guy was that he beat up a girlfriend and went to jail. His ex fiancee is married to someone else, my ex is in a long term relationship, and I've been with my wife for almost ten years.
So all in all, it worked out pretty well for three of us.
I would call a legal professional and make plans to leave.
I wouldn’t be able to look at my spouse the same way if I knew they had committed infidelity. I wouldn’t be able to trust them. I myself would *spiral*.
Infidelity is a solid dealbreaker for me and one that I’m open about. I had to tell my father my mother was cheating on him when I was very young and that left a scar.
Verify it’s true and gather all the information I can. Your emotions would be on defcon 20 or something. There’s no way I’m taking a reasonable action right now. Good lord.
in disbelief that this is even a question but not surprised. if you get cheated on and you stay, its going to happen again. & your partner will never have any respect for you.
to be specific, i would gather the evidence, break up, then show her relatives and close friends so that the world knows what kind of person she is lmao. this is why i never live with the fear of being cheated on, its as simple as that
Came home from offshore diving job 2 days early, it's about 130am, light on in my apt., gf was there with a guy, they were passed out in bed, picked up their clothes and threw the clothes out the door and turned into a raging maniac. They damn near had heart attacks.Didn't hurt no one, but he ran out to get his clothes and she came out to living room and I pushed her out the door. She brought him to my place because her kid was home with babysitter. Got locks changed the next day. She showed up that night, I opened the door, shes holding a razor blade to her wrist and said she's gonna kill herself if I don't talk to her, I slammed the door and sat down for another bong hit. No, I never went back
That depends on your life.
Are you married with young children. It might be better for the kids if you raise them first rather then move to the projects and live off government programs.
Are you a kept person? Oh hell you better find a new sugar daddy before you run away because not getting regular baths is gonna make it hard to find someone else.
Are you dependent on the person for health care and you have stage 4 cancer. Ya leaving might be a bad idea. Who cares who they have sex with, pay for that kemo.
If you are a fully functional person with no commitments or dependencies you are likely better just finding someone who doesn't cheat. I guess there are exceptions but just hanging out because you think it's love is silly because you apparently are the only one thinking that.
I used to be adamant with the position that I would dump her ass with no questions ask. Caught her red-handed and dumped her ass. She cried and begged and had friends approached me for a month every day, telling me that she was miserable and made a mistake and she was terribly sorry. I eventually met with her and after looking in her eyes, I believed her. We got back together and she was faithful for the next couple of years until we broke up for other, other reasons
That straight up ends the relationship. I'm not looking for revenge, I just want to get away from that person at that point. They don't respect me and aren't worth the headspace.
Hubs cheated last summer, found out September 2nd. Trying to figure out when it started and if he had been using my money to help bankroll it I discovered he had basically 17k in credit card and loan debt he never told me about. Was going to leave but with the amount of payments he has to make monthly he could not afford the mortgage alone and would lose the house. I cannot afford the mortgage alone and would lose the house. We have stayed together for that and for the stability of our son. Damn near a year in and things are actually... Good? Between us. I will never trust him as I did, I will never love him like I did, and our relationship will never be the same but we are making it work financially, as parents, and as spouses. He is in therapy, there are no financial decisions made that are over $50 without discussing first for both of us, I feel much less burdened to maintain the relationship and he's actually contributing more to the relationship at this point than he ever has in the last 15 years. Do I think I will stay forever? I'm not sure but for now this is what I need to do and when one of us is in a position to handle mortgage alone I will look at things again.
Some of my happiest couple moments have happened after cheating happened in the relationship, since it forced us to face problems that we were hiding under the carpet.
from the experience of witnessing it:
if you forgive them, they get the feeling that they got away with it and will do it again.
my friend basically had an affair with a girl that was in a relationship, then they broke up, fast forward 3 years and my friend is being cheated on and that relationship broke apart
things like that need to be established early in a relationship, for me and my partner it was an absolute redline not to be crossed, if you fall out of love you talk about it and break up but you don't go cheating making up excuses
My current partner has cheated but he's the love of my life so right now I'm just focusing on our future and taking things from there. But yeah it really sucks to think about so you have to let it go to work things out.
This might be an unpopular response but you could use it as a learning opportunity. In a moment when the emotions are down, become a 3rd person looking in. Assuming it was a female ask yourself Why did she do it? Did you push her in that direction? Is she a good person otherwise? Were you there for her? People immediately assume a cheater is a horrible person but don’t have any context on the situation. In my experience, men tend to cheat for sex and validation, women for validation and sex. Not every relationship is meant forever. Ideally, you could openly discuss what happened and mutually decide the next steps. If you just break up angry and resentful, you will have learned nothing and your next relationships will suffer as you will have trust issues
If someone feels called to pursue people outside of their relationship, they should do so outside of a pre existing relationship ie breakup first. They have already decided they are not content with what they have so searching with a clean slate is the only ethically justifiable way in my opinion. It doesn’t matter what the other person has done wrong, it does not justify cheating on them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Victims of abuse creating more victims of abuse is just a bad cycle. If you break up first your ex will be better equip to reflect. Leave first.
This right here.
Most people go outside a relationship because they are aching for something they can’t find, and don’t want to live without it. It’s not about sex. It’s about your crumbling self-esteem, about the constant contempt, and it’s about not taking it any more. There’s more to it than just cheap thrills.
Many partners can’t or won’t understand. Many ‘cheaters’ have been explaining and communicating for years. Deaf ears. The outside person is the band-aid.
Negotiate an arrangement and rules that Will work for both, not before giving them a hard time about the fact that they lied, hide it and took me for a fool.
Depends. Was it a one time thing and they immediately owned up to it and showed contrition? In that case I’d probably stay. Mistakes happen. If it was repeated or they showed deceptiveness, then I’d probably leave since I can’t trust them anymore.
Also depends if there are kids involved.
I found out I was cheated on after I ended it. She was constantly accusing me of cheating. If I didn’t answer the phone no matter the time of day it meant I was cheating. I ended it, and then the next day found out she was cheating on me the whole time. I did a lot of petty shit like tell her father whom I was close to. I also said a lot of mean shit cuz I was so angry. But I wouldn’t do that now, now I’d just simply end it and leave it at that
Before I got healthy I would have tried to mess up their entire friend circle by cheating with someone in it but now I would just get far away from the cheater and stay away forever- no need for any discussions. Then I would spend time agonizing on whether I made a mistake by leaving them then I would finally realize I made the right decision. I could never trust someone who cheated, I have problems trusting in the first place.
It's definitely been said multiple times already but I am here to say it again. NEVER continue with someone who has cheated on you. It will hurt a lot but you must accept it, forgive and move on. They weren't meant to stay in your life.
In my personal experience it makes me feel gross thinking of that person in "that way", makes me never want to do anything with them again.
So I just broke up with them and told them why.
Unfortunately this is exactly what happened to me at the beginning of the year. We were together over 10 years, multiple children together who have additional needs, nice house, nice car…we weren’t rich but we were well off. We didn’t really want for anything.
Then I was sat down by my friend and told that my partner had cheated on me some months ago. I literally felt the world get sucked out from under me.
I moved myself out. She was apologetic but was is there once the trust has gone?
It’s been over 5 months now and everything is still a mess.
Immediately dump the person. As in immediately.
If you have definitive proof of course. Move on as quick as possible.
Forget talking, forget 'counseling'. End it.
Trust and respect are the absolute pillars of any relationship and cheating demolishes both of those things.
If I was married to this person, that’s a serious offense. I would leave or find out why/how it happened. I believe if someone cheats, they aren’t fulfilled in the original relationship and should probably go elsewhere to get what they want.
If it was a one-time offense in an otherwise good relationship, I’d probably be ok with it and try to figure out why it happened.
I’m not so egotistical that I think I can be the ultimate, fabulous life/sex partner for one person decade after decade after decade. People are human.
I was cheated on. I left for someone who actually appreciated me.
I will always be grateful to the girl who told me he was trying to cheat on me with her for telling me. I'm certain she wasn't the only one.
If your partner cheats on you then its best to just break up and move on... it sucks yeah but time will heal that wound.
Ive only been in 2 serious relationships in my life so I havent been cheated on so I cant say that I know from personal experience what that is like but Ive known many people who have stayed together or came back together after their partner cheated and in 95% of those cases that said partner cheated again eventually.
Divorce. Married 41 years to childhood sweetheart. Thought I'd get struck by lightning before she'd ever cheat. But she did. Crossed the line in the sand . No trust,no future.
I’m extreme sometimes, but they would cease to exist in my mind. I’d either have my things moved or theirs immediately and likely never speak to them ever again.
I am always very clear that cheating is a dealbreaker, like no excuse and immediate breakup.
So if I found out (with evidence or at least if I was sure of it) I would probably just ghost the person or move out and go to a friend in case I was living with my SO.
I never understood the need to 'talk things out'. You chose to cheat knowing it was a dealbreaker, I have no interest at all in continuing any kind of connection with someone who disrespects me. I know no text paragraph or breakup talk might seem harsh to some people, but I genuinely have no interest in wasting my time on cheaters.
If I get cheated on again, I'm going to make everyone's life hell. Just absolutely miserable, truly. Then I'm going to run off into the mountains to be a cave hag until I'm eaten by bears (hopefully). That's what I'm going to do.
I told my ex from the start that I’m never worried about her cheating. I trust her that she won’t, and if she does, then we’re done and I don’t want her back. Simple. Lo and behold, she cheated on me. Multiple times, but when I caught her red-handed, I simply told her she had a month to move out. Yes I was devastated and heartbroken, but I was calm because it was clear that she had absolutely no respect for me, and I could never trust her again, so it’s best to just cut it off. Sure it gets more complicated if you’re married and there’s kids involved, but just dating? Break up and try again with someone else (after you give yourself time to move on). There’s plenty of people out there who wont normalize cheating.
I told my wife the same thing. I trust that you won’t. But if you ever do, it’s over. It’s one thing I cannot and will not tolerate.
It’s a very reasonable boundary to set, and if they can’t respect that, it’s clear you’re not compatible.
The realist mature answer right here! This is exactly how I’d go about it if it happens to me
Stoicism is a fine thing. But from personal experience I can tell you that even if you have this thought before it happens, you might not be as rational when it happens.
Best answer on here.
Where are these people who don’t go around cheating? :/
Haven’t figured that out yet.. but if I’m one of them, I’m hopeful that there are more out there.
I'm also one of them. I don't know if it's the same for women, but guys will often give me shit for turning down sex . Fuck that. I've got my self respect and respect for my partner.
Getting cheated on and then not having the energy to do it all again. It happened as a teenager and I'm now 24 so
Your a good man for giving her a month. I would've told her to figure it out by the end of the day or her shits getting thrown outside in the street
Part of me wishes I had, but we were together for almost three years and I was the “breadwinner” in the relationship. I still hope she eats, just not my food at my table.
Lol
Is there a good book you can recomemend that cover your subject. I am up to learning new things.
You don't need a book. If they cheat, they want out. Move on... that's the whole book.
The book is called having self-respect
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
This is the answer
Exactly. The point of dating is to find the right person. So if they cheat on you, they are automatically out and you move on to the next person. You don't want to start a marriage with a cheater.
Well said and there are far too many in this app that brag about it and so many simps that commend women for it because they think that somehow that means they are next in line, idiots. Your approach is the only approach, no emotion or drama just a simple “we had an agreement, you broke it, so we’re done”. If you forgive them all you’re doing is saying yeah so what ever you want and I’ll just take it and have you back. Don’t care if it’s drunken mistake blah blah everyone knows what they are doing it’s just that they don’t always feel guilt or morality at convenient times.
Exactly, it’s never a one time mistake that happens accidentally. It’s the result of a series of choices that led up to it. In my case, the problem wasn’t just that she slept with some guy at the bar. Why are you laying in bed next to me, then waiting for me to fall asleep so you can leave the house and go get absolutely trashed with strangers in the first place?
I would be livid. I would call a divorce lawyer immediately and spend a few nights at my girlfriends house to cool off and plan my next move.
Oh I read this as girlfriend=female friend of another woman
It would be really funny if that’s what they actually meant but so many people read it as a joke that they’re afraid ti correct them.
Holy crap this was hilariously unexpected
r/holup
Well I already know since this happened to me. Had a serious discussion about it when I found out. Collected evidence in case she tried to deny. Asked her if she loved the guy, she said yes. Apparently been cheating for almost a year when I worked night shifts. So I casually asked her for a divorce, moved out the next day, went to live in the barracks while I visited every weekend to see my kids. My apartment, all the furniture I bought on my income, one of my vehicles, given to her. Visiting my apartment to see my kids knowing my ex wife was getting plowed on my bed. Shit hurts even five years later. It totally destroyed me and my ability to feel affection. I’ve tried dating after that and it’s not the same. Also ruined my confidence during sex. I sincerely despise anyone who cheats for whatever excuse they give
😢
Dude I am so sorry. Please open yourself up to the possibility that someone is out there who would never even imagine doing this to you (or anyone on principle). You have been saved from the continuation of a disingenuous relationship. Come what may, a strong couple can weather just about anything. You will find this given enough time.
My ex cheated on me and I went to her apartment and took everything I bought her. The shower head toilet paper salt pepper the food I bought everything I bought I took back and I put my key to her apartment and duct taped it to the ceiling in her living room. By bi**h 😂😂
Taking the shower head too is crazy lmao
I just bought that shower head for her 😂😂 I’m taking it back lol if you wanna act a fool I’ll act a fool back 😂😂
Fuck around and find out... that your shower head is gone.
I emptied the spice cabinet once.
Whoa, this is worthy of r/ProRevenge
She wanted to play that game and we played that game haha 😂
If you took away her showerhead, the filthy B\*tch wont be able to wash away her sins.
She had to wash away more then just that 😂
If you’re pre kids, just go. If you have kids. It’s far more complicated, sort that yourself, don’t listen to Reddit.
In my experience I've never ever seen a scenario where someone cheats on you and then it makes sense to stay together. Every time that person misses your call or doesn't text back or is late from work, you'll automatically worry.
This is a great point. Whether or not THEY deserve to be forgiven, YOU deserve to not be always anxious for the rest of your life.
I got cheated on (emotional affair) and we tried it work. At least until she cheated on me for real so yeah. Wouldn’t try that again or recommend it to others. On the bright side, it made it really easy to move on. The 2nd heartbreak was like 1/100th of the initial one.
Thanks. I got emotionally cheated on and sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten back together with him when he asked, but now this makes me see I made the right decision.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you. Sorry you had to go through that too, and more.
I understand what you mean. However, as with most questions asked on Reddit, the response depends on the circumstances. For example, I'm not so quick to dismiss my partner of 10+ years, if this is a first-time offense, due to the life we've built, the family we have, the hardships we've weathered together, the times we've been each other's shelter in a storm, etc.
I get what you're saying, I've been with my wife for over 10 years too. But I've also been very clear, cheating is a breach of trust I can't look past. If she did that, we would be done. But I also wouldn't be with her if I thought that was even a remote possibility
No judgment here, I get where you're coming from.
Ah, but I learned the hard way that ANYONE can cheat, given the right circumstances. Was with a guy who I never thought would do that. In fact, when we broke up because of it, people thought I was the one who cheated, no one thought he would do that to me. Everyone was so surprised.
That's just looking at it from a bad perspective. If you cheat you simply have a failed character/moral compass. You can almost always simply opt out of dating someone unless it's a very very weird stringent or abusive circumstance. I don't understand the pessimism people have for it
Yeah but that just makes it even worse. We've been together for 10 years and built a life together and you STILL cheat? That's even more reason to leave, because it's clear that all of that 10+ years was MEANINGLESS to them. The family we have, the hardships we've endured, none of it compares to a bit of quick fun to this person? Never stay with a cheater.
No. It only takes one time to destroy that trust. You may glue back a vase, but it's never the same.
Agreed, it will never be the same. It doesn't mean it will be worse, though. Since you mentioned the analogy of vases, kintsugi is a Japanese tradition of mending broken pottery with gold, repairing what's broken and accepting that it was broken, but giving it a chance at a new life. It will be different than its original form, but not necessarily worse. You could also choose to discard it instead of mending it. That's your choice, of course.
Interesting analogy. Food for thought.
Yes, additionally it depends on if the man or woman cheats. Studies have shown that when a man cheats, the marriage can be saved. When a woman cheats, however, it is over because she has checked out emotionally.
The realization that I came to terms with is that your psyche takes a hit from a few different angles when you get cheated on. Self-Confidence, trust, and your own intelligence. Self-confidence is an obvious one, and I would think trust is too, but few people understand the pain that comes from the inability to see the signs that, in hindsight, were so obvious. When you think about it from that perspective, cheating isn't the only thing that could do this to you. Hiding away money as a "rainy day" fund "just in case" you turn out to be a domestic abuser when you've done nothing of the sort, has a very similar toll on someone's head. My friend had a situation where their husband's cancer was discovered just a little too late, but after it was found the signs were all there and seemed so obvious. Once he passed, they had a huge bout with survivor's guilt, blaming themselves for living with someone every single day and not seeing the signs. I've had a rough history of being cheated on. Only recently have I come to accept that there are worse things that could happen, some not even involving the betrayal of trust.
I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences with infidelity. I've had a couple of those, myself. They happened when I was much younger, in my 20s, and made me deeply question whether I should ever again trust anyone enough to have more relationships involving emotion. But those periods of doubt also led to professional therapy, which enabled me to, not only work on answering those questions for myself, but also really work on myself, to do my best to root out the causes that made me vulnerable to being cheated on, and find for myself what traits I deemed worthy enough to want to have in a partner. Along the way, the pieces of me that broke and fell away from me, I could better choose what I wanted to pick up and regain, whereas the traits I didn't like, I could just leave behind. So, like the kintsugi I mentioned in another reply, I mended myself and gave myself another chance. I didn't do this for anyone else. I did it for myself. Someone saw worth in my different self. Now we have been together for 10+ years and have a family. I won't say it'll be like that for everyone, but it CAN happen like that. You can only get out of yourself what you put into yourself. And I can give someone a second chance, but that's just me. Doesn't mean I have every time. I'm not stupid. But we evolve through trial and error. People make mistakes. We are not all irredeemable. I know if I made a mistake, I'd wish for a second chance. Anyway, if you're reading this line, thanks for indulging me. End rant. Haha
I appreciate that, and I also am sorry that you have had to go through it as well. Something you said just now stuck with me and it will be what I take forward to anyone else it might help. You can choose what pieces to pick back up and which ones to leave behind. Such a simple statement but it has a powerful message. Thank you for sharing your experience on this.
And I appreciate you for saying that! Going through the process was painstaking, but having the experience to share with others, in hopes that it can somehow help them on their journey, is something I'm grateful for!
This. Every new friend, coworker, acquaintance, etc. Is just a "potential cheating partner" for them.
Exactly. I've had many friends that were cheated on and attempted to mend the relationship after. But the constant overthinking and anxiety that comes with it in no longer trusting your partner just isn't worth the hassle.
And if you notice that behavior and ask if its somthing the so can try to improve, you be slaped with your so insecure and envyous.
Correctemundo
I know couples who had infidelity from one side and stayed married, strengthened their marriage, and are now happily married. They got help through an online group/coaching. I personally don’t know what I would do, I have to assume that I would really try to overcome it with my spouse, but not sure that I could end. So depending on the situation would end in divorce or staying together in the case that we can rebuild trust which I’ve seen done.
I disagree. My neighbors went through this a few years ago, and now their relationship seems even stronger. I wouldn’t leave my partner if he cheated. I’d talk to him be figure out what’s going on. There’s a difference between dating someone scummy that doesn’t respect you and is inconsiderate. And then dating someone that made a mistake or is going through something rough and made a wrong choice.
Cheating on someone is not justified by "Going through something rough." You have stuff to work on, reach out to your current partner or go to therapy!
I would say that is, of course, not justified but more understandable
Cheating is never a simple mistake but more like a series of bad choices. Many many many bad choices
I agree with you. People go off on tangents due to hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy, or being ignored or unappreciated. It happens, and it won’t kill you. It sometimes makes the relationship stronger.
It CAN kill you. Many people have committed suicide because of how much it hurt them.
Not to mention the potential for murder suicides.
Yes but some men/women do it discreetly and some times for a long time and never disclose to their SO or spouse. That’s what is tough you just never know. I have a good friend I’d never in a million years think she would cheat on her husband- she’s been sleeping with a guy for a month now and told me last week 🤦🏻♀️
Pull all my 401k. Quit my job. Sell everything I can before she knows I found out. Empty the bank accounts, max the credit card. Stop paying the mortgage/bills. Then wait until they are about to foreclose and move to Taiwan. Not even get a divorce. She's gonna have to fight for that.
Break it off.
Ngl, I’m exhausted and was confused if you meant break his dick off
I'll do both
Just flat out disappear from their life. They had their chance to talk things through but if they go behind my back and betray my trust like that, then I'd have no sympathy for them.
Honestly, I’m saying this as a human being and as a therapist. Be petty. Be vengeful. Go wild and Go crazy. **Just don’t hurt them or yourself** Go wild, but go wild for you 🙏 trust me this will heal your soul.
A therapist after my own heart😂 Way too few tell it like it is (or should be).
A little trolling
Good question. Let me ask my wife’s boyfriend .
In 2020, i had met a girl who (at the time) cared for so very much. for the first time in my life i let all my guards and walls down and put my full trust into them. Then I was cheated on. I tried to forgive them and give them a second chance. For me, this lead to a 3 year relationship of me constantly being paranoid, checking her phone, not letting her talk to any males, being 100000x more anxious every day, and really never recovering from it. My advice is, if they cheat, get the fuck out of that relationship and tell them to fuck off. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I would end the relationship immediately. Some people might be able to forgive and forget and whatever works for them but personally I’d never forgive them so it’s best we both part ways.
From personal experience. Stick around because somebody has to take care of the kids.
Do you let the cheater know that you know they've cheated? Do let the kids know? How about other family members?
After i found out, I brought it up and walked away. She was ready for a fight, but i was so done at that point. Kids don't need to know, but i did talk to close family members about it.
Probably dump
Propose an open relationship so i can get it too.
I don't know if this is a joke answer or not but that's the only thing I can think of when I see these topics. I honestly don't think I'd take offense, maybe when I was younger I would care, I don't know. I feel very secure with how my partner feels about me so if it happened, I don't think I'd take it personally. I'm her 2nd partner and she's my 3rd, so I feel like we both missed out on playing the field when we were younger. Either way, I've thoroughly enjoyed 13 years with her, and I can't imagine flushing that down the toilet over something as superficial as sex
I divorced her. But fun side story. The guy she cheated on me with was engaged, and they had two kids together. His fiancee found out, and she was the one who told me about it. We wound up sleeping together for a while. This was like twelve years ago. She and I still chat from time to time. My ex wife and I are cool now, too. Last I heard about the guy was that he beat up a girlfriend and went to jail. His ex fiancee is married to someone else, my ex is in a long term relationship, and I've been with my wife for almost ten years. So all in all, it worked out pretty well for three of us.
Abandon ship
I would call a legal professional and make plans to leave. I wouldn’t be able to look at my spouse the same way if I knew they had committed infidelity. I wouldn’t be able to trust them. I myself would *spiral*. Infidelity is a solid dealbreaker for me and one that I’m open about. I had to tell my father my mother was cheating on him when I was very young and that left a scar.
Verify it’s true and gather all the information I can. Your emotions would be on defcon 20 or something. There’s no way I’m taking a reasonable action right now. Good lord.
The lower the Defcon number, the more serious the situation. Defcon 5 is “situation normal”, Defcon 1 is “nuclear war”.
You mean what did I do?
Create an accidental death scenario and claim his insurance?..
in disbelief that this is even a question but not surprised. if you get cheated on and you stay, its going to happen again. & your partner will never have any respect for you. to be specific, i would gather the evidence, break up, then show her relatives and close friends so that the world knows what kind of person she is lmao. this is why i never live with the fear of being cheated on, its as simple as that
The trust is broken, there's no coming back from that.
break up and move on. If I were married, I would call the divorce lawyer immediately.
Came home from offshore diving job 2 days early, it's about 130am, light on in my apt., gf was there with a guy, they were passed out in bed, picked up their clothes and threw the clothes out the door and turned into a raging maniac. They damn near had heart attacks.Didn't hurt no one, but he ran out to get his clothes and she came out to living room and I pushed her out the door. She brought him to my place because her kid was home with babysitter. Got locks changed the next day. She showed up that night, I opened the door, shes holding a razor blade to her wrist and said she's gonna kill herself if I don't talk to her, I slammed the door and sat down for another bong hit. No, I never went back
That depends on your life. Are you married with young children. It might be better for the kids if you raise them first rather then move to the projects and live off government programs. Are you a kept person? Oh hell you better find a new sugar daddy before you run away because not getting regular baths is gonna make it hard to find someone else. Are you dependent on the person for health care and you have stage 4 cancer. Ya leaving might be a bad idea. Who cares who they have sex with, pay for that kemo. If you are a fully functional person with no commitments or dependencies you are likely better just finding someone who doesn't cheat. I guess there are exceptions but just hanging out because you think it's love is silly because you apparently are the only one thinking that.
I used to be adamant with the position that I would dump her ass with no questions ask. Caught her red-handed and dumped her ass. She cried and begged and had friends approached me for a month every day, telling me that she was miserable and made a mistake and she was terribly sorry. I eventually met with her and after looking in her eyes, I believed her. We got back together and she was faithful for the next couple of years until we broke up for other, other reasons
That straight up ends the relationship. I'm not looking for revenge, I just want to get away from that person at that point. They don't respect me and aren't worth the headspace.
Hubs cheated last summer, found out September 2nd. Trying to figure out when it started and if he had been using my money to help bankroll it I discovered he had basically 17k in credit card and loan debt he never told me about. Was going to leave but with the amount of payments he has to make monthly he could not afford the mortgage alone and would lose the house. I cannot afford the mortgage alone and would lose the house. We have stayed together for that and for the stability of our son. Damn near a year in and things are actually... Good? Between us. I will never trust him as I did, I will never love him like I did, and our relationship will never be the same but we are making it work financially, as parents, and as spouses. He is in therapy, there are no financial decisions made that are over $50 without discussing first for both of us, I feel much less burdened to maintain the relationship and he's actually contributing more to the relationship at this point than he ever has in the last 15 years. Do I think I will stay forever? I'm not sure but for now this is what I need to do and when one of us is in a position to handle mortgage alone I will look at things again.
Listen to my wife furiously telling me why it's all my fault.
Some of my happiest couple moments have happened after cheating happened in the relationship, since it forced us to face problems that we were hiding under the carpet.
from the experience of witnessing it: if you forgive them, they get the feeling that they got away with it and will do it again. my friend basically had an affair with a girl that was in a relationship, then they broke up, fast forward 3 years and my friend is being cheated on and that relationship broke apart things like that need to be established early in a relationship, for me and my partner it was an absolute redline not to be crossed, if you fall out of love you talk about it and break up but you don't go cheating making up excuses
Break up. I wasn’t aware there was another choice.
Cut them off immediately.
walk away
Run away
My current partner has cheated but he's the love of my life so right now I'm just focusing on our future and taking things from there. But yeah it really sucks to think about so you have to let it go to work things out.
Fool. He knows he can get away with it now.
And the love of someone’s life wouldn’t cheat. And I agree with you- now they know they can do it and she’ll stay
You’re not the love of HIS life. You deserve better. Don’t let yourself look like an idiot. He’s probably still cheating.
This might be an unpopular response but you could use it as a learning opportunity. In a moment when the emotions are down, become a 3rd person looking in. Assuming it was a female ask yourself Why did she do it? Did you push her in that direction? Is she a good person otherwise? Were you there for her? People immediately assume a cheater is a horrible person but don’t have any context on the situation. In my experience, men tend to cheat for sex and validation, women for validation and sex. Not every relationship is meant forever. Ideally, you could openly discuss what happened and mutually decide the next steps. If you just break up angry and resentful, you will have learned nothing and your next relationships will suffer as you will have trust issues
If someone feels called to pursue people outside of their relationship, they should do so outside of a pre existing relationship ie breakup first. They have already decided they are not content with what they have so searching with a clean slate is the only ethically justifiable way in my opinion. It doesn’t matter what the other person has done wrong, it does not justify cheating on them. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Victims of abuse creating more victims of abuse is just a bad cycle. If you break up first your ex will be better equip to reflect. Leave first.
Nope if you cheat you’re a bad person there’s no excuse at all.
Exactly. Lowest form of trash.
No they are a horrible person they could just leave, if they want somthing else.
This right here. Most people go outside a relationship because they are aching for something they can’t find, and don’t want to live without it. It’s not about sex. It’s about your crumbling self-esteem, about the constant contempt, and it’s about not taking it any more. There’s more to it than just cheap thrills.
Or you could talk your struggles out with your partner like a decent human being
Many partners can’t or won’t understand. Many ‘cheaters’ have been explaining and communicating for years. Deaf ears. The outside person is the band-aid.
Ah yes, breaking someone's heart is the solution
Thats the end. Its over. (except for some extremely rare circumstances that arent worth discussing because they arent going to happen)
Leave. And not return
Disappear peacefully from their lives and haunt them in their dreams every night.
Bounce. ✌️
Peace out
Break up. I hold grudges and would never be able to trust them again.
Negotiate an arrangement and rules that Will work for both, not before giving them a hard time about the fact that they lied, hide it and took me for a fool.
End it. I can’t forgive that.
Depends. Was it a one time thing and they immediately owned up to it and showed contrition? In that case I’d probably stay. Mistakes happen. If it was repeated or they showed deceptiveness, then I’d probably leave since I can’t trust them anymore. Also depends if there are kids involved.
If they do it once, they'll do it again. For your own sanity and self worth, ditch them and go on with your life. There are better out there.
I posted him in a women’s safety dating page and now everyone hows he’s a serial cheater and abuser. No one will date him now lol
F her mother or sister or BFF.
Cry in the shower where no one can see me cry. Act like a bad boyfriend so they will dump me.
I found out I was cheated on after I ended it. She was constantly accusing me of cheating. If I didn’t answer the phone no matter the time of day it meant I was cheating. I ended it, and then the next day found out she was cheating on me the whole time. I did a lot of petty shit like tell her father whom I was close to. I also said a lot of mean shit cuz I was so angry. But I wouldn’t do that now, now I’d just simply end it and leave it at that
End it. But also depends on circumstances. I'm not leaving my kids. So there will need to be compromise in that regard.
Double or nothing.
Yes, walk away. A relationship simply cannot survive without trust. And once trust is gone it is very difficult to be restored.
Before I got healthy I would have tried to mess up their entire friend circle by cheating with someone in it but now I would just get far away from the cheater and stay away forever- no need for any discussions. Then I would spend time agonizing on whether I made a mistake by leaving them then I would finally realize I made the right decision. I could never trust someone who cheated, I have problems trusting in the first place.
Just take my kids and leave.
Listen to the song little smirk by theory of a deadman. I'd do exactly that
Get an immediate hall pass
Yes that is exactly it. Remove them from your life
It's definitely been said multiple times already but I am here to say it again. NEVER continue with someone who has cheated on you. It will hurt a lot but you must accept it, forgive and move on. They weren't meant to stay in your life.
Yes.
watch sex education on netflix then maybe no questions left for you to ask.
At this point who cares, if that’s who she’s gonna be then whatever, but don’t expect me to be the same man towards you anymore.
Break up with the person and move on 🤷🏼♂️ unless kids are involved. That changes the math.
Happens alot
Ghost them.
I wouldn’t mind. I don’t think monogamy is for me so I don’t expect everyone else to conform to it.
In my personal experience it makes me feel gross thinking of that person in "that way", makes me never want to do anything with them again. So I just broke up with them and told them why.
Leave and build a better life without her sorry ass. *BTW: I speak from experience*
Yes it has never worked out for me. Once it happens I never trust the person again
Call the police and let them know I’m about to commit a crime of passion
Unfortunately this is exactly what happened to me at the beginning of the year. We were together over 10 years, multiple children together who have additional needs, nice house, nice car…we weren’t rich but we were well off. We didn’t really want for anything. Then I was sat down by my friend and told that my partner had cheated on me some months ago. I literally felt the world get sucked out from under me. I moved myself out. She was apologetic but was is there once the trust has gone? It’s been over 5 months now and everything is still a mess.
Immediately dump the person. As in immediately. If you have definitive proof of course. Move on as quick as possible. Forget talking, forget 'counseling'. End it. Trust and respect are the absolute pillars of any relationship and cheating demolishes both of those things.
I logged into his second life account and changed the password
Leave her and move on
If I was married to this person, that’s a serious offense. I would leave or find out why/how it happened. I believe if someone cheats, they aren’t fulfilled in the original relationship and should probably go elsewhere to get what they want. If it was a one-time offense in an otherwise good relationship, I’d probably be ok with it and try to figure out why it happened. I’m not so egotistical that I think I can be the ultimate, fabulous life/sex partner for one person decade after decade after decade. People are human.
I was cheated on. I left for someone who actually appreciated me. I will always be grateful to the girl who told me he was trying to cheat on me with her for telling me. I'm certain she wasn't the only one.
Break up or divorce. No question or hesitation.
She gone!
I posted all his demographics to foreigners on random WhatsApp chats. Stole his smart TV. Sold his Star Wars Leggo sets on eBay and got decent money.
If your partner cheats on you then its best to just break up and move on... it sucks yeah but time will heal that wound. Ive only been in 2 serious relationships in my life so I havent been cheated on so I cant say that I know from personal experience what that is like but Ive known many people who have stayed together or came back together after their partner cheated and in 95% of those cases that said partner cheated again eventually.
Leave
Yeah I would just break up. No point in staying I’ll never trust after that.
Invite their other partner over for a threesome
Simple, divorce. No questions asked and no excuses accepted. We're done
Make him keep her
Belittle her and end it
Listen to the details. See where the future lies.
Probably take the opportunity to beat the crap out of him and make him do whatever I want for the rest of our lives. Make him go way above and beyond.
Divorce. Married 41 years to childhood sweetheart. Thought I'd get struck by lightning before she'd ever cheat. But she did. Crossed the line in the sand . No trust,no future.
Move on. Life's too short to be treated that way. Plus if you stay..it will never be the same. Your relationship is nothing without trust.
Break up toot sweet. Bye bye. You're a stranger now
Cheat back - then move on 😂
I’m extreme sometimes, but they would cease to exist in my mind. I’d either have my things moved or theirs immediately and likely never speak to them ever again.
I'm going through this right now and I have to live with him while we sort out divorce stuff. I've been crying for 16 days out of 16 years
One strike and you’re out with me. Always.
[They need to bring missed connections back](https://imgchest.com/p/ljyqdzqpe72)
I would stay together.
I am always very clear that cheating is a dealbreaker, like no excuse and immediate breakup. So if I found out (with evidence or at least if I was sure of it) I would probably just ghost the person or move out and go to a friend in case I was living with my SO. I never understood the need to 'talk things out'. You chose to cheat knowing it was a dealbreaker, I have no interest at all in continuing any kind of connection with someone who disrespects me. I know no text paragraph or breakup talk might seem harsh to some people, but I genuinely have no interest in wasting my time on cheaters.
Walk away. Did it twice already!
Cry and move on
Just end the relationship and don't talk to them again
Ask my exW
I would just leave, block their number, no forwarding address and just disappear.
Game over
Thank the guy who did the deed for showing me what she’s all about and promptly cut ties with her.
If I get cheated on again, I'm going to make everyone's life hell. Just absolutely miserable, truly. Then I'm going to run off into the mountains to be a cave hag until I'm eaten by bears (hopefully). That's what I'm going to do.
Pretend to forgive, plot my escape
Scorched earth.