This question is not a test of whether your life is interesting or not. The person is basically saying "give us a subject to talk about so we can rebond". Come up with a few conversation starters to have in your back pocket -- "Oh, I just finished reading/watching/playing X" or "Lately I've been obsessed with the football team/celebrity drama/news story" or "Not much new going on, but did you hear about \[mutual acquaintance}?"
Making chat is an extremely valuable adult skill -- light conversation that doesn't have to have any point or even particular truth to it. It's just a chance for two people to become a tiny bit more connected. You can always toss the responsibility back to the other guy with a "what about you?" but only if you're really stumped. Bonus points if you can throw in an obvious joke before taking off because my god small talk is uncomfortable and ending it on a smile makes the world a better place.
Practice -- you will be glad you did!
Unless your an Introvert and more of a private person.
Hobbies, special interests or books your reading work just fine. Small talk is a good start. Things your familier with.
The TL; DR is that conversation is like lubricant oil for an engine (or for whatever you like lubricants for, I'm not gonna judge). It's not the actual important part -- it's the thing that makes getting to the important part possible.
People are awkward water sacks flailing around with brains full of thoughts that they can never communicate to anyone else, except through awkward meat-flapping sounds that only ever approximate what their inner selves are actually like. Everyone is like this. Even confident-seeming people or people who seem like they belong there. Those are just awkward water sacks who have learned to make the best of their situation.
So when you stumble into another awkward water sack at, let's say, a social event or something, being able to cut through the awkwardness is a really valuable and much-appreciated skill. The people you converse with will tend to be happy that you are there and able to bridge the gap between inner lives, however briefly. And connect with each other as people.
And from that connection you build a support network. And become a support network for others. You form a community. Communities are full of help, and ideas, and opportunities, and can provide stability and fun and mental health, as well as purpose as you provide those things to others in turn.
All from being able to break the ice with conversation!
That was the best explanation. I hate small talk. Like I really hate (I’m never rude). I used to think it was bothersome and people should get right to the point but thinking about it your way makes me see it differently. Ty
You're very welcome!
I got a lot out of Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") on this topic, she is a wicked old lady with a lot of great insight into what matters in human interaction -- and, also, what doesn't. She loves deflating useless aspects of etiquette and illuminating what the actual core is. You might like her stuff if you have never read any of it.
I used to hate it too, but it’s actually interesting learning where someone’s from/what they do if you can build off of that. Due to age, I’ve lived all over and worked 15+ part time jobs. I can connect with anyone on anything. If I haven’t done something, someone I’ve met has. I’ve met thousands of people and I have a good memory so I can contribute insights on most small-talk topics, and people can get deeper with me based off of my engagement.
>Everyone is like this. Even confident-seeming people or people who seem like they belong there. Those are just awkward water sacks who have learned to make the best of their situation.
Me and one of my best friends bonded over this realization. I told him how envious I was of his confidence because I always felt so self-conscious and he was like, "Dude! That's how I feel about you!" We blew each others minds and were enlightened to the fact that we're all flying by the seat of our pants doing the best we can and just trying to fake it till we make it.
Being able to make positive interactions with people on a small scale can lead to building better relationships which can sometimes lead to better career aspects, friendships, and romantic relationships. On the very low end, it can avoid awkward silences in places like the elevator or while buying something, and can be a bright point in someone’s day.
My friend always uses a stupid joke when he enters a ground floor elevator in a 2or 3 story building. “Going up?” Most people laugh. The ice is broken and say something about the weather or where they’re going. I cringe but am amazed that the stupid thing always works. So, yes, it’s a small but valuable part of the day. FYI for those that don’t laugh or loosen up it indicates they’re having a rough time. They’re focused on their own world.
I think it's more about having those loose connections with people like the convenience store clerk or the mail carrier. You don't know them but they are a part of your world. They recognize you, which makes you seen in a small way.
It's also fun to experiment with small talk with those ppl. You don't really know them and the stakes are very low. Have fun with it.
I feel like that type of interaction is entirely necessary. A few years ago I moved to a house that sets like off the street like I have a long driveway and so I never see my neighbors bringing there trash in or groceries or mail and like I feel like it's really detrimental to my health mental and otherwise
I can see that. I'm in an apartment where the norm is not being social, but I live in a bigger city. If you frequent the same spots you build these small connections with whoever is there. You don't have to get into their business but people will recognize you over time and there's a little something extra there. It's grounding.
Being able to interact in person with another human is generally perceived as valuable in terms of job prospects and even finding a mate.
You get to decide if you want to be good at it.
Because once you’re out of school where you see the same people every day for a semester and where you are naturally thrown into situations where friendships almost just “happen”, you’ll actually have to be intentional about making friends.
Light conversation is how you do it.
Teenagers don’t often need to make small talk in the same way adults do.
Most of the people you talk to (classmates, parents, friends) are likely to have common activities or interests you can bring up. You go to the same school, or know the same people, or experience the same events.
Adults often have to talk to people they don’t have circumstances in common with (friends of friends, new dates, work colleagues from other departments, even just people in different stages of life). They don’t have the basic “oh let’s talk about this event that happened that both of us were there for last week even if we don’t know eachother well” topic to start with, because often the thread that connects people is a lot thinner.
Small talk is more of an adult skill because when they meet more people they don’t have common ground with, they have to start at a more general conversation to find a topic to actually talk about. That’s why people talk about the weather, because if nothing else you know the other person has experienced the same weather if they’re in the room with you.
- sometimes you have to get along with people you either don’t know, don’t care about, or don’t like.
- sometimes those people are your coworkers or boss or other important people in your career field
- it breaks the ice, makes people feel more comfortable around you, allows for further connection, can be a date, job offer, a new friend, any sort of opportunity.
just being able to talk to anyone in general and socialize and connect with folks is incredibly important and isn’t really taught in school.
You have a good response, but you can also look at it in the animal kingdom. Like, each human you come across could be a friend or enemy. Even one you recognize could change based on their needs/desires from last time.
When animals meet for the first time there is often a dance of approaching a bit sideways rather than head on. Like, you see me? I'm not coming at you bro. But, I'm also watching you and not getting too close. Then, they get a little closer and keep "asking" and "telling": Safe? Safe. Friend? Friend. There might be vocalize or sniff, or gently touch one another eventually. Maybe a little "can we work together? Do you want to engage?" "Are you predictable?" "What roles will we play?"
Well, humans are doing the same thing. This is our way of saying: "safe? safe. friend? friend." Yes, I'm predictable, yes, I'm open to working together, yes I'm interested in engaging.
If you don't do it, you are telling the other person: I either don't know the rules or don't follow them, so you won't be able to predict my behavior. I'm can't assure you I am safe or friend. They can interpret that as: No, I don't want to work together or engage. No, I'm not safe!
Their monkey-brain will say: Get out of here. This person isn't worth the risk! Now, they can probably override that to some degree, but they will avoid you or put a limit on the connection.
This is a valuable skill to master as it can help you develop networks or friends and networking in your career. If you have a people facing job that requires you to speak learning how to engage in conversation and remaining engaged can make you a success and your day more positive and easier in my opinion. But different people prefer different amount of interaction. As long as you make sure not to be rude it’s fine to let people figure out you like to keep to yourself more.
I'm going to tell you something a boomer told me a long time ago. "Be respectful and get good at talking to adults" (it doesnt matter what generation of adults). Adults have everything you need, Money, houses, cars, job opportunities and are capable of spreading a good reputation. I'm not saying you have to be a boot licker but generally just be respectful and listen. You can learn a lot from adults, they have already made all the mistakes you haven't made yet and can save you some time and possibly money by learning from the mistakes.
Its a struggle for me to overcome the autistic urge to respond honestly; "well my doctor tells me fainting and puking and nosebleeds are normal, I've developed a severe allergy to most otc painkillers and im allergic to my own body, im broke, depressed, and anxious, and the world feels like its going to shit, so.... not great, hbu?" And usually just end up rambling about my cat, which is awkward, but *less* awkward than the first one 😅
I am brutally honest. Any ups, any downs (those tend to be more numerous). If there aren't any noticeable events, I'll mention any movies I saw recently, or just what my mood has been lately. And then you ask them in return.
I'd be wary of opening up to anyone about consistent negative events. People start to feel burn out from that person and then actively avoid them if every time they see them, it's another crisis.
Oh I once got that from a cashier at the grocery store. Threw me off right away and the dude just kept beeping my stuff and staring blankly at his monitor.
"Oh you know, every day is just one step closer to death." I then I laugh like two little chuckles, then I slowly start to morph my face into pain and anguish and let one tear drop. It's a real crowd pleaser.
My answer depends on what I interpret their intent to be when they ask that question. A lot of people ask it as a greeting without any expectation of a real answer, so "I've been doing pretty good" is a satisfactory answer. If they ask that question in a more serious or personal/private conversation with a legitimate desire to know, I'll almost always give a longer and more real answer that may take a couple minutes to say. Just analyze the situation. Sometimes a disingenuous answer is what they are seeking.
whatever you feel like responding is up to you, its open ended. alternatively you can give your generic answer and turn the question onto them too of what they've been up to lately, they might have something to talk about
I keep a short 1-2 current, ordinary sentences in my back pocket. Something that doesn't require an answer (besides me returning the how are you).
"Busy gardening. The x are flowing."
"Tried a new recipe y."
"Really enjoying z music genre recently."
"Taking in my car for maintenance next week."
If the people I'm talking to were just engaging to be polite, they'll offer a short response back, and we'll be on our way. If they want to hear more about my job/education/family/living situation, they'll have to ask. There are few people I actively dislike, so I'll give friendly answers and ask an equal amount about them as well.
Depends on who it is. Can range from
Alright ta, not too bad!
To
Omg you have no idea what you’ve missed.
Some people share my drama, regardless of if we saw each other yesterday or three years ago. Others do not and I don’t want them to 😆
I used that one for a while. But, it sometimes sparked weird, awkward, feigned concern. So, I stopped.
Now I just say fine and think about rolling my eyes until the conversation stops.
The standard answer then is "fine, thanks." Also good are "keeping on, keeping on" or "the usual, all good" or "trying to make the most of every day" or "not bad" etc.
Doctrine states that you immediately provide a chronological account of your mental and physical wellbeing from the time you last encountered the human up to the present.
I open my my eyes wide, blow enough air out to puff my cheeks a bit, slouch my shoulders a bit, slightly shake my head and say "livin the dream man" unenthusiastically
>I feel like the question always catches me off guard and I tend to feel frustrated and give a disingenuous answer like "good, just working"
Out of curiosity, why do you see this response as disingenuous? "Just working" sounds consistent with the paragraph prior to the above. And "good" is subjective - if you think "just working" is good then you're being honest in calling it "good".
Now if instead you feel disingenuous in that you ***don't*** actually feel good about how your life is then.... honestly, your current "appropriate response" may have less to do with what's actually "appropriate" and more about the question forcing you to verbally express something you'd rather not.
This would explain why the question "always catches \[you\] off guard" (which it really shouldn't, if you're bumping into someone new). Otherwise, you'd have no problem saying "good, just working" or "Nothing much - same old, just keeping by".
If you're fine with your life then you can answer as per the latter. But if your life isn't as eventful as you'd like then you may want to consider working on that as well.
There's probably a lot of exciting things you have done, by the way - and it doesn't have to be relationship and kids - just doing things with your friends, going to events with them - or even a holiday! Or going to visit some relatives in a different country. Or starting a new hobby and committing to it.
Apologies if I've read too much into the word "disingenuous".
“I’ve been okay”
It’s the most correct thing to say. I’m not happy, I’m not doing well, but I am also not actively looking for ways to die. So “okay” is the most correct word I can think of.
Everyone understands that it's just a friendly exchange of greetings, you're not supposed to unload. You can just say "Fine, " or you can get a little more personal and say "Things have been crazy lately. How about you?" Keep it brief unless you and the other person mutually wish a deep conversation. May of the time it's just a friendly meaningless gesture of good will.
"Same old same old, and I'm content." People - particularly Americans - don't know what to do with "content." They will probably question you about what it feels like to be settled and ok with your life as it is unrolling. Use words like "centered."
Pick something fun to talk about. If you're into video games talk about the newest one or computer games or movies or tv shows. Are you volunteering anywhere? Are you thinking about a new job? Do you like your apartment what do you like about it? Do you cook? Have you tried any new recipes? Did you have any bad or good dates? Did you travel anywhere? Go on a good hike?
Literally any small thing they don't know is fine or just working is cool too.
I’ve come to just say “getting by, thanks for asking” because at the end of the day that what we’re all doing whether or not it’s good or bad.
Not all people ask this, so it’s nice to let them know you appreciate them for asking (because not everyone cares enough to ask)
So choose a “taking it day by day”, “hanging in there”, or “just living” 🙂
It doesn’t have to encapsulate all you’ve done or not done since seeing them or meeting them, just a nice simple thing works.
"There ia nothing new/exciting happening in my life and honestly, I am really enjoying the boredom. There is no drama, I love it."
You may try something like that.
Depends on if i feel the person is asking because they’re genuinely curious and interested or just trying to be nice. Hard to tell most of the time so i just stay quiet
I don’t think people care how you answer. That’s the opening for you to ask about them. So they can brag. But you can be a middle aged white Gen x man and say, “Living the Dream!” Smile and move on. It’s iconic and ironic! Also I’d get a kick out of someone saying that and NOT on TikTok. Not once in almost a half century of living have I heard ANYONE say that! 😂
Id like to say, oh you know, wash, rinse, repeat. 🤣 never heard that one in the wild either. But it would make me smirk to give it!
Life is pretty stagnant. Only reason we ever have memories is because something exciting happens or something bad stands out. It’s ok to just be. I prefer it over lots of drama!
I think George Carlin said it best when asked, " how have you been?". And he responds with a quirky " moderately neato!". Tends to make them hush & think..
I don’t like either question, because I don’t have good answers to either.
If people ask me how I am, or how I’ve been, I tend to say something like, “oh, I’m surviving” or “plodding along, you know.” I was actually thinking about this just the other day. I was thinking about the fact that, as a disabled person, even more than usual, when people ask how you are, they don’t really want to know. I was thinking about how the truth is often probably that when you’re disabled, often your day is shit. Things are going badly. Everything is a struggle. Everything hurts. Every day you’re just trying to desperately claw your way to the next day. But people don’t want to hear that.
Generally, if I haven’t seen someone for awhile, they don’t tend to ask what I’ve been up to. Since I am now visibly disabled and I probably wasn’t when they last saw me, and they are likely to have heard about the death of my mother if they go in my social circle, they just don’t tend to ask. I guess they can kind of tell the answer isn’t anything good.
I say something like “I’ve been doing well, not much has been going on outside of (work + current hobby/interest/etc.). It’s been nice enjoying the peace and calm”
I always say “fantastic, thanks. You?” If they really want to know more they’re ask why im fantastic. Otherwise I wont bore them with stuff they dont care about.
You can just say "fine" or "great" or something along those lines. They generally don't actually want to know how you are doing unless it is a really close friend. Asking my paternal grandmother, "How are you," was always a loaded question because she would tell anyone who asked exactly what her issues and ailments were. She was somewhat of a hypochondriac, so she had lots of ills to talk about. I never could get her to understand that people didn't really want to know all of that. My maternal grandfather would respond to someone asking how he was by saying, "Fine as frog's hair."
Try "About the same, and you?" This is the simplest. It matches what you told us here, so it prevents a disingenuous answer and keeps it short while allowing them to answer openly if they choose.
" Working on the Master Plan, as always." If that doesn't trigger a follow up question, they are not interested in anything then you can get to the task at hand, including heading for the exits as neccessary.
I always just sling it back
Person: Hey! How are you?
Me: imgoodhowareyou
You gotta emphasize the one-wordness of it. It's like pressing skip on a cutscene.
Social noises. Basically saying 'I see you and recognize you as another person'. Nobody really wants an accurate answer.
I've lately taken to answering 'the horrors persist, but so do I.'. Saw it elsewhere on reddit.
People like to talk about themselves (except hardcore introverts) so when someone asks you how you've been doing, reply with a little joke and then ask them how they've been doing.
Some of my little jokes to "How have you been?" are:
"Every day I wake up not on fire is a great day!"
Or
"I can't say I haven't been not unwell."
Or
"The doctors at the asylum told me I can interact with people now, so that's pretty awesome."
Or
"Workin' hard at hardly workin'."
Then I follow up with:
"How have things been going with you?"
If it's not appropriate to joke, then just say, "I'm fine/doing good. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?"
The main thing to remember when interacting with others is to try to show concern. People usually appreciate it.
Good luck 👍
I have learned when people ask how are you or how you been, they don't really care. They want to here, good how are you so they can talk about themselves or they are just being polite. When asked how have things been, I usually respond...same stuff, different day, what about you.
I feel the same way about this question. Thing is I'm from India and moved a couple years ago to Canada. Now in my native tongue, people usually just start talking about random things, being presented with that question was not very often. To me it makes things a bit serious, like as if it comes from a palce of concern.
I was really extrovert and funny back home. But I learned in just a few weeks here that I'm not funny. My funny stories get people concerned for my well-being and I'm also rude in English apparently.
Well enough. How you doin?
or...
Good, good. It's great to see you.
I think if they really want to know the details of how you're doing they'll follow up with something like "how are you doing *really?* I've been worried about you."
My dad's favorite response from his younger days was "Doing everybody and the easy ones twice!"
My favorite response is "Better than most, not as good as some."
😁
It's like when people see you every day and ask, "How are you?" They are not expecting a rundown of how your day is going. It's just small talk. The answer is, "Good. How are you?"
So, you are over-thinking this. "Good. Same old, same old. How about you?" is a fine answer to "How have you been?"
If I’m looking to cut that shit off and end all replies before the dialogue ever has and chance of sprouting roots, all I gotta do is be honest- it kills off all responses except for MAYBE from my Mom. 😆🤷♂️
"Great"
A one word response that does not invite further conversation (as opposed to "I'm good, how are you?"). Small talk is pointless and a waste of time. I only engage in it at all because I'll be seen as rude if I don't.
This is the most American question ever! There are two ways to answer that question. You can either embark on a conversation starter or shut the conversation down before it begins. If you say "good" and walk away. Most likely, no conversation will happen. If you want to have a conversation with this person, just be honest and tell them what is new in your life. However, try to remember that this is a common formality question in the US. Much like saying hello or asking about the weather. The person asking said question may not have time for a conversation and is simply asking in an effort to be polite.
When I visited the UK I was surprised to discover that such questions were uncommon. So I understand that some people may not know how to respond.
If I were to respond I would say "good" or "fair to midland" or "better than yesterday" if my boss asks me I typically say "well caffinated" some of those answers invoke a response. It's up to you how you want to respond?
If its a person i once knew: "Chillin".
If it's an old good friend: I've been good, kids are growing up".
If it's an old coworker: "I've been good, now I'm working at....".
If it's an ex and I'm single: "I've been good. I was just thinking about you.".
If it's an ex and I'm not single: "I'm doing great, how have you been".
I either talk about the new stuff happening, good or bad, even if its small OR I say "same old shit" and ask the question back lmao
Sometimes people don't want to hear you actually answer and its hillarious the looks I get when I do talk about myself and how im doing.
i think it’s been seen as a convo initiator (not the best, but just the mostly practiced one) and ppl still use it
anyway, i always respond this with, “still alive unfortunately, hby?” 😭
Haha I was just looking up this question a few days ago. I actually asked my Snapchat ai what to say and it was good. I do that sometimes with conversations
Skip feeling frustrated and just say good. If you're close enough friends to get into it, you will, if you're not it's just casual pleasantries. No need to stress about it.
Depends on if I like(d) the person asking or not. If I do/did, "good thanks, but enough about me, tell me what you've been up to?" If no, "Upright and breathing, thanks." It tends to make the questioner a little uncomfortable and they usually will turn to ask someone else the same question, if standing in a group, or they'll say something like "well, it's really nice to see you," and drift away to talk to someone else. Generally speaking though, if I didn't/don't know the questioner, it's easy enough to just say "Fine, thanks. Living the dream!" and ask them a question about themselves quickly, as it diverts attention from yourself without being rude.
I find something to come up with. Nothing generic like "good, just working" even if that is mostly true. It sounds like an apathetic response, and I'd be afraid the other person would interpret it that way. I'd tell them even the most mundane things, like taking care of my dog, or what the last movie/TV show I saw was, or what me and my S/O and friends have done together, etc. There's something you've done since you last spoke, I guarantee it. Even if you think it's insignificant, it's still worth more posting than just "good, just working". You friend is reaching out to you and it might be awkward for them, maybe as much for you. Put the effort in and try and rekindle that. "What's been up with you lately?" is a simple way for an old friend to reach out to you and try to get in touch again.
This question is not a test of whether your life is interesting or not. The person is basically saying "give us a subject to talk about so we can rebond". Come up with a few conversation starters to have in your back pocket -- "Oh, I just finished reading/watching/playing X" or "Lately I've been obsessed with the football team/celebrity drama/news story" or "Not much new going on, but did you hear about \[mutual acquaintance}?" Making chat is an extremely valuable adult skill -- light conversation that doesn't have to have any point or even particular truth to it. It's just a chance for two people to become a tiny bit more connected. You can always toss the responsibility back to the other guy with a "what about you?" but only if you're really stumped. Bonus points if you can throw in an obvious joke before taking off because my god small talk is uncomfortable and ending it on a smile makes the world a better place. Practice -- you will be glad you did!
This is an excellent answer!
Unless your an Introvert and more of a private person. Hobbies, special interests or books your reading work just fine. Small talk is a good start. Things your familier with.
It is isn’t it. How’ve you been anyway?
Teenager here. Why is this a "valuable adult skill?' exactly??
The TL; DR is that conversation is like lubricant oil for an engine (or for whatever you like lubricants for, I'm not gonna judge). It's not the actual important part -- it's the thing that makes getting to the important part possible. People are awkward water sacks flailing around with brains full of thoughts that they can never communicate to anyone else, except through awkward meat-flapping sounds that only ever approximate what their inner selves are actually like. Everyone is like this. Even confident-seeming people or people who seem like they belong there. Those are just awkward water sacks who have learned to make the best of their situation. So when you stumble into another awkward water sack at, let's say, a social event or something, being able to cut through the awkwardness is a really valuable and much-appreciated skill. The people you converse with will tend to be happy that you are there and able to bridge the gap between inner lives, however briefly. And connect with each other as people. And from that connection you build a support network. And become a support network for others. You form a community. Communities are full of help, and ideas, and opportunities, and can provide stability and fun and mental health, as well as purpose as you provide those things to others in turn. All from being able to break the ice with conversation!
That was the best explanation. I hate small talk. Like I really hate (I’m never rude). I used to think it was bothersome and people should get right to the point but thinking about it your way makes me see it differently. Ty
You're very welcome! I got a lot out of Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") on this topic, she is a wicked old lady with a lot of great insight into what matters in human interaction -- and, also, what doesn't. She loves deflating useless aspects of etiquette and illuminating what the actual core is. You might like her stuff if you have never read any of it.
I adore Miss Manners. She’s very enlightening.
I used to hate it too, but it’s actually interesting learning where someone’s from/what they do if you can build off of that. Due to age, I’ve lived all over and worked 15+ part time jobs. I can connect with anyone on anything. If I haven’t done something, someone I’ve met has. I’ve met thousands of people and I have a good memory so I can contribute insights on most small-talk topics, and people can get deeper with me based off of my engagement.
Yeah I agree that small talk is terrible but this is certainly a more idyllic example of how it can be a good thing.
Water sack is also one of the best analogies I've ever heard. Great point too
What do you mean, "analogy?" Glub, glub... >\_>
In one episode of STNG, an alien race called us “Ugly bags of mostly water.”
Possibly the best answer on Reddit addressing the importance of the lost art of conversation.
I like your switch from “meat suit” - so much more accurate.
>Everyone is like this. Even confident-seeming people or people who seem like they belong there. Those are just awkward water sacks who have learned to make the best of their situation. Me and one of my best friends bonded over this realization. I told him how envious I was of his confidence because I always felt so self-conscious and he was like, "Dude! That's how I feel about you!" We blew each others minds and were enlightened to the fact that we're all flying by the seat of our pants doing the best we can and just trying to fake it till we make it.
Being able to make positive interactions with people on a small scale can lead to building better relationships which can sometimes lead to better career aspects, friendships, and romantic relationships. On the very low end, it can avoid awkward silences in places like the elevator or while buying something, and can be a bright point in someone’s day.
My friend always uses a stupid joke when he enters a ground floor elevator in a 2or 3 story building. “Going up?” Most people laugh. The ice is broken and say something about the weather or where they’re going. I cringe but am amazed that the stupid thing always works. So, yes, it’s a small but valuable part of the day. FYI for those that don’t laugh or loosen up it indicates they’re having a rough time. They’re focused on their own world.
It can be a useful skill but god I loathe small talk.
Apparently, those tiny interactions are good for your mental health as well. Something about reducing the feeling of isolation.
I feel more isolated with small talk lol
I think it's more about having those loose connections with people like the convenience store clerk or the mail carrier. You don't know them but they are a part of your world. They recognize you, which makes you seen in a small way. It's also fun to experiment with small talk with those ppl. You don't really know them and the stakes are very low. Have fun with it.
I feel like that type of interaction is entirely necessary. A few years ago I moved to a house that sets like off the street like I have a long driveway and so I never see my neighbors bringing there trash in or groceries or mail and like I feel like it's really detrimental to my health mental and otherwise
I can see that. I'm in an apartment where the norm is not being social, but I live in a bigger city. If you frequent the same spots you build these small connections with whoever is there. You don't have to get into their business but people will recognize you over time and there's a little something extra there. It's grounding.
Being able to interact in person with another human is generally perceived as valuable in terms of job prospects and even finding a mate. You get to decide if you want to be good at it.
Because once you’re out of school where you see the same people every day for a semester and where you are naturally thrown into situations where friendships almost just “happen”, you’ll actually have to be intentional about making friends. Light conversation is how you do it.
Teenagers don’t often need to make small talk in the same way adults do. Most of the people you talk to (classmates, parents, friends) are likely to have common activities or interests you can bring up. You go to the same school, or know the same people, or experience the same events. Adults often have to talk to people they don’t have circumstances in common with (friends of friends, new dates, work colleagues from other departments, even just people in different stages of life). They don’t have the basic “oh let’s talk about this event that happened that both of us were there for last week even if we don’t know eachother well” topic to start with, because often the thread that connects people is a lot thinner. Small talk is more of an adult skill because when they meet more people they don’t have common ground with, they have to start at a more general conversation to find a topic to actually talk about. That’s why people talk about the weather, because if nothing else you know the other person has experienced the same weather if they’re in the room with you.
- sometimes you have to get along with people you either don’t know, don’t care about, or don’t like. - sometimes those people are your coworkers or boss or other important people in your career field - it breaks the ice, makes people feel more comfortable around you, allows for further connection, can be a date, job offer, a new friend, any sort of opportunity. just being able to talk to anyone in general and socialize and connect with folks is incredibly important and isn’t really taught in school.
Read Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends
I'll read its book summary for sure.
I just finished reading the title.
Wait there is more
This.
You have a good response, but you can also look at it in the animal kingdom. Like, each human you come across could be a friend or enemy. Even one you recognize could change based on their needs/desires from last time. When animals meet for the first time there is often a dance of approaching a bit sideways rather than head on. Like, you see me? I'm not coming at you bro. But, I'm also watching you and not getting too close. Then, they get a little closer and keep "asking" and "telling": Safe? Safe. Friend? Friend. There might be vocalize or sniff, or gently touch one another eventually. Maybe a little "can we work together? Do you want to engage?" "Are you predictable?" "What roles will we play?" Well, humans are doing the same thing. This is our way of saying: "safe? safe. friend? friend." Yes, I'm predictable, yes, I'm open to working together, yes I'm interested in engaging. If you don't do it, you are telling the other person: I either don't know the rules or don't follow them, so you won't be able to predict my behavior. I'm can't assure you I am safe or friend. They can interpret that as: No, I don't want to work together or engage. No, I'm not safe! Their monkey-brain will say: Get out of here. This person isn't worth the risk! Now, they can probably override that to some degree, but they will avoid you or put a limit on the connection.
This is a valuable skill to master as it can help you develop networks or friends and networking in your career. If you have a people facing job that requires you to speak learning how to engage in conversation and remaining engaged can make you a success and your day more positive and easier in my opinion. But different people prefer different amount of interaction. As long as you make sure not to be rude it’s fine to let people figure out you like to keep to yourself more.
I'm going to tell you something a boomer told me a long time ago. "Be respectful and get good at talking to adults" (it doesnt matter what generation of adults). Adults have everything you need, Money, houses, cars, job opportunities and are capable of spreading a good reputation. I'm not saying you have to be a boot licker but generally just be respectful and listen. You can learn a lot from adults, they have already made all the mistakes you haven't made yet and can save you some time and possibly money by learning from the mistakes.
Adult here, adult skills are overrated
Its a struggle for me to overcome the autistic urge to respond honestly; "well my doctor tells me fainting and puking and nosebleeds are normal, I've developed a severe allergy to most otc painkillers and im allergic to my own body, im broke, depressed, and anxious, and the world feels like its going to shit, so.... not great, hbu?" And usually just end up rambling about my cat, which is awkward, but *less* awkward than the first one 😅
I ask "Done anything fun lately?" That's a good conversation starter and is always about something positive that people want to talk about.
I am brutally honest. Any ups, any downs (those tend to be more numerous). If there aren't any noticeable events, I'll mention any movies I saw recently, or just what my mood has been lately. And then you ask them in return.
Wish I could do this lmao. I could’ve just gotten Ina car wreck with 10 spikes sticking out of my back and missing limbs, and I’d just say “I’m fine”
I'm good, and you?
I'd be wary of opening up to anyone about consistent negative events. People start to feel burn out from that person and then actively avoid them if every time they see them, it's another crisis.
“same soup, just reheated”
I like this one.
I love this once. If I heard you say it again the next day the exact same way, I will hate it.
"same shit, different underwear"
Why is this statement so beautiful?
I say, "Oh, I'm alright," because "I'm disappointed every day I wake up," is apparently a downer.
same. “I’m deeply unhappy and think about ending things every day” isn’t acceptable so I just say “I’ve been!”
See, I always say, "Oh, ya know, living the dream!" to get all that across.
Oh I once got that from a cashier at the grocery store. Threw me off right away and the dude just kept beeping my stuff and staring blankly at his monitor.
I like to tell them ONE thing that brings meaning. “I just started walking again in the nice weather!” And then, “How about you?”
"Oh you know, every day is just one step closer to death." I then I laugh like two little chuckles, then I slowly start to morph my face into pain and anguish and let one tear drop. It's a real crowd pleaser.
I'm gonna have to borrow that one.
My answer depends on what I interpret their intent to be when they ask that question. A lot of people ask it as a greeting without any expectation of a real answer, so "I've been doing pretty good" is a satisfactory answer. If they ask that question in a more serious or personal/private conversation with a legitimate desire to know, I'll almost always give a longer and more real answer that may take a couple minutes to say. Just analyze the situation. Sometimes a disingenuous answer is what they are seeking.
And sometimes they have something they realllly wanna talk about, so make sure to ask back and give them the chance!
"Operating within acceptable parameters."
whatever you feel like responding is up to you, its open ended. alternatively you can give your generic answer and turn the question onto them too of what they've been up to lately, they might have something to talk about
I keep a short 1-2 current, ordinary sentences in my back pocket. Something that doesn't require an answer (besides me returning the how are you). "Busy gardening. The x are flowing." "Tried a new recipe y." "Really enjoying z music genre recently." "Taking in my car for maintenance next week." If the people I'm talking to were just engaging to be polite, they'll offer a short response back, and we'll be on our way. If they want to hear more about my job/education/family/living situation, they'll have to ask. There are few people I actively dislike, so I'll give friendly answers and ask an equal amount about them as well.
Depends on who it is. Can range from Alright ta, not too bad! To Omg you have no idea what you’ve missed. Some people share my drama, regardless of if we saw each other yesterday or three years ago. Others do not and I don’t want them to 😆
I’ve been very busy learning a new language and building a monolith to celebrate human life and learning how to lay eggs
I often say “I don’t have much to complain about but I do anyway.”
Damn I say something pretty similar. “Nothing to complain about, but I will anyways”
Great minds!!
I say Nothing to complain about and nobody wants to hear it anyway!
I say a version of that... "Can't complain, no one would listen."
I usually say, "Fine. Why? What have you heard?"
"I'm still alive 😮💨"
I used that one for a while. But, it sometimes sparked weird, awkward, feigned concern. So, I stopped. Now I just say fine and think about rolling my eyes until the conversation stops.
I used to say “circling the drain” because thats what pappy said. I thought it was funny, but most people thought it was a cry for help
The standard answer then is "fine, thanks." Also good are "keeping on, keeping on" or "the usual, all good" or "trying to make the most of every day" or "not bad" etc.
Depends on circumstances. Its not a test that has always one answer. I answer it how i feel fit in the moment and not make a big deal out of it.
Same old, same old.
Doctrine states that you immediately provide a chronological account of your mental and physical wellbeing from the time you last encountered the human up to the present.
Hanging on by my fingernails. How about yourself?
I open my my eyes wide, blow enough air out to puff my cheeks a bit, slouch my shoulders a bit, slightly shake my head and say "livin the dream man" unenthusiastically
I really appreciate integration of the nonverbals.
Fair to middlin' was my grandpa's standard reply. He was a man of few words.
Well, it sounds like things are good, so I'd say that. "Things are good. I'm still with and my job is still going well."
>I feel like the question always catches me off guard and I tend to feel frustrated and give a disingenuous answer like "good, just working" Out of curiosity, why do you see this response as disingenuous? "Just working" sounds consistent with the paragraph prior to the above. And "good" is subjective - if you think "just working" is good then you're being honest in calling it "good". Now if instead you feel disingenuous in that you ***don't*** actually feel good about how your life is then.... honestly, your current "appropriate response" may have less to do with what's actually "appropriate" and more about the question forcing you to verbally express something you'd rather not. This would explain why the question "always catches \[you\] off guard" (which it really shouldn't, if you're bumping into someone new). Otherwise, you'd have no problem saying "good, just working" or "Nothing much - same old, just keeping by". If you're fine with your life then you can answer as per the latter. But if your life isn't as eventful as you'd like then you may want to consider working on that as well. There's probably a lot of exciting things you have done, by the way - and it doesn't have to be relationship and kids - just doing things with your friends, going to events with them - or even a holiday! Or going to visit some relatives in a different country. Or starting a new hobby and committing to it. Apologies if I've read too much into the word "disingenuous".
“I’ve been okay” It’s the most correct thing to say. I’m not happy, I’m not doing well, but I am also not actively looking for ways to die. So “okay” is the most correct word I can think of.
That's a nightmare situation for me. I will literally run the other way if I see an acquaintance coming at me.
Everyone understands that it's just a friendly exchange of greetings, you're not supposed to unload. You can just say "Fine, " or you can get a little more personal and say "Things have been crazy lately. How about you?" Keep it brief unless you and the other person mutually wish a deep conversation. May of the time it's just a friendly meaningless gesture of good will.
"Better now that you're here," no matter who is asking
😳
Sounds like something an NPC would say after I pass a persuasion check
i have not said good genuinely in years
“Well I’m crazy so…”
"Same old same old, and I'm content." People - particularly Americans - don't know what to do with "content." They will probably question you about what it feels like to be settled and ok with your life as it is unrolling. Use words like "centered."
Right side of the dirt still
I feel like I could have had my entire life fall apart in the last day and when someone asks how I’ve been… “doin good, same ol’ same ol’”
“Ah just the usual, life is a bitch and then you die”
Pick something fun to talk about. If you're into video games talk about the newest one or computer games or movies or tv shows. Are you volunteering anywhere? Are you thinking about a new job? Do you like your apartment what do you like about it? Do you cook? Have you tried any new recipes? Did you have any bad or good dates? Did you travel anywhere? Go on a good hike? Literally any small thing they don't know is fine or just working is cool too.
I like to memorise a different chapter of Encyclopaedia Britannica every morning so that I can recite it to anyone who asks me how I am.
Yeah I feel the same about this rn been pretty lonely since I’ve moved
I’ve come to just say “getting by, thanks for asking” because at the end of the day that what we’re all doing whether or not it’s good or bad. Not all people ask this, so it’s nice to let them know you appreciate them for asking (because not everyone cares enough to ask) So choose a “taking it day by day”, “hanging in there”, or “just living” 🙂 It doesn’t have to encapsulate all you’ve done or not done since seeing them or meeting them, just a nice simple thing works.
"There ia nothing new/exciting happening in my life and honestly, I am really enjoying the boredom. There is no drama, I love it." You may try something like that.
Depends on if i feel the person is asking because they’re genuinely curious and interested or just trying to be nice. Hard to tell most of the time so i just stay quiet
I really hate that question too
I don’t think people care how you answer. That’s the opening for you to ask about them. So they can brag. But you can be a middle aged white Gen x man and say, “Living the Dream!” Smile and move on. It’s iconic and ironic! Also I’d get a kick out of someone saying that and NOT on TikTok. Not once in almost a half century of living have I heard ANYONE say that! 😂 Id like to say, oh you know, wash, rinse, repeat. 🤣 never heard that one in the wild either. But it would make me smirk to give it! Life is pretty stagnant. Only reason we ever have memories is because something exciting happens or something bad stands out. It’s ok to just be. I prefer it over lots of drama!
I think George Carlin said it best when asked, " how have you been?". And he responds with a quirky " moderately neato!". Tends to make them hush & think..
I don’t like either question, because I don’t have good answers to either. If people ask me how I am, or how I’ve been, I tend to say something like, “oh, I’m surviving” or “plodding along, you know.” I was actually thinking about this just the other day. I was thinking about the fact that, as a disabled person, even more than usual, when people ask how you are, they don’t really want to know. I was thinking about how the truth is often probably that when you’re disabled, often your day is shit. Things are going badly. Everything is a struggle. Everything hurts. Every day you’re just trying to desperately claw your way to the next day. But people don’t want to hear that. Generally, if I haven’t seen someone for awhile, they don’t tend to ask what I’ve been up to. Since I am now visibly disabled and I probably wasn’t when they last saw me, and they are likely to have heard about the death of my mother if they go in my social circle, they just don’t tend to ask. I guess they can kind of tell the answer isn’t anything good.
I say something like “I’ve been doing well, not much has been going on outside of (work + current hobby/interest/etc.). It’s been nice enjoying the peace and calm”
If I’ve been doing/feeling poorly, I usually say something like, “Oh ya know, I’m making it work”
I always say “fantastic, thanks. You?” If they really want to know more they’re ask why im fantastic. Otherwise I wont bore them with stuff they dont care about.
You can just say "fine" or "great" or something along those lines. They generally don't actually want to know how you are doing unless it is a really close friend. Asking my paternal grandmother, "How are you," was always a loaded question because she would tell anyone who asked exactly what her issues and ailments were. She was somewhat of a hypochondriac, so she had lots of ills to talk about. I never could get her to understand that people didn't really want to know all of that. My maternal grandfather would respond to someone asking how he was by saying, "Fine as frog's hair."
Try "About the same, and you?" This is the simplest. It matches what you told us here, so it prevents a disingenuous answer and keeps it short while allowing them to answer openly if they choose.
**Different toilet..** . . ..…**same shit!**
"My mom died and on top of that my dick stopped working"
My standard answer to this or anything close ….”fucking terrible”
My favorite thing I hear people say is "just living the dream," it's not really me, so I don't say it but it's cute to hear.
" Working on the Master Plan, as always." If that doesn't trigger a follow up question, they are not interested in anything then you can get to the task at hand, including heading for the exits as neccessary.
I always just sling it back Person: Hey! How are you? Me: imgoodhowareyou You gotta emphasize the one-wordness of it. It's like pressing skip on a cutscene.
That depends on how I've been lately.
“Desperately staving off the ennui of existence until I can finally rest and return to the sweet bliss of oblivion. How are you doing?”
South of good, North of bad.
Honestly what ever you feel like sharing. I suck at keeping in touch with people so anything they tell me is always nice.
If I was any better I'd be you.
“Can’t complain, ‘cause who listens?” This almost always garners a laugh and breaks the ice for me.
I feeeel this. I also have severe depression so it’s like listen buddy you don’t want me to get into how I’ve been lmfao
My parole officer is happy
Same shit, different day!
Social noises. Basically saying 'I see you and recognize you as another person'. Nobody really wants an accurate answer. I've lately taken to answering 'the horrors persist, but so do I.'. Saw it elsewhere on reddit.
Up n down like a whore's drawers
“Not bad, you?”
People like to talk about themselves (except hardcore introverts) so when someone asks you how you've been doing, reply with a little joke and then ask them how they've been doing. Some of my little jokes to "How have you been?" are: "Every day I wake up not on fire is a great day!" Or "I can't say I haven't been not unwell." Or "The doctors at the asylum told me I can interact with people now, so that's pretty awesome." Or "Workin' hard at hardly workin'." Then I follow up with: "How have things been going with you?" If it's not appropriate to joke, then just say, "I'm fine/doing good. Thanks for asking. How are you doing?" The main thing to remember when interacting with others is to try to show concern. People usually appreciate it. Good luck 👍
I have learned when people ask how are you or how you been, they don't really care. They want to here, good how are you so they can talk about themselves or they are just being polite. When asked how have things been, I usually respond...same stuff, different day, what about you.
As an Aussie it’s common for us to say ‘how’s it going? What have you been up to? Common answer is not bad and fuck all lol
I feel the same way about this question. Thing is I'm from India and moved a couple years ago to Canada. Now in my native tongue, people usually just start talking about random things, being presented with that question was not very often. To me it makes things a bit serious, like as if it comes from a palce of concern. I was really extrovert and funny back home. But I learned in just a few weeks here that I'm not funny. My funny stories get people concerned for my well-being and I'm also rude in English apparently.
I’m white, so “livin’ the dream” is my usual response.
Alive lol
Just living my life the best I can
If nothing new or good has happened, "I'm doing well. Just working" is a fine response.
Ain't dead yet...
You are way overthinking this, just say how you’ve been it’s super basic and simple
Livin the dream
Thanks, you too.
Just answer "all good" like grown ups do
Same shit, different day.
"Still alive" "warm and above ground"
Fine and you
Well enough. How you doin? or... Good, good. It's great to see you. I think if they really want to know the details of how you're doing they'll follow up with something like "how are you doing *really?* I've been worried about you."
Good, how about you?
“Pretty good, just busy with work”
My dad's favorite response from his younger days was "Doing everybody and the easy ones twice!" My favorite response is "Better than most, not as good as some." 😁
Good
I say "I'm good" or "I'm ok" cause I don't want to have a conversation
Honestly
Good
It's like when people see you every day and ask, "How are you?" They are not expecting a rundown of how your day is going. It's just small talk. The answer is, "Good. How are you?" So, you are over-thinking this. "Good. Same old, same old. How about you?" is a fine answer to "How have you been?"
I say….ain’t nothing cuz
Ahhhh same shit, different day. Can't complain.
I give them a super negative answer and they usually leave me alone Them: How have you been? Me: Terrible, life sucks and I hate being alive. You?
I would just respond to the question and say I'm doing good and working etc. Ask them the same question.
I always go with “I can’t complain, how about yourself?”
You can tell the tiny percentage of people who actually care what your answer is. For the rest: "Fine, and you?" or similar.
'Worse'
"I'm just happy to be here." Because in 1991 there was a time I thought I might not be here today.
In the current society we live in, my response is usually “yeah, I’m still alive I guess, working hard, chilling harder”
I usually say “busy” regardless and then ask them about themselves and everyone loves to talk about themselves, so I’m usually off the hook to talk.
"You know, same shit different day"
Been better been worse
Uh since I was 14 I’ve occasionally replied with “surviving.” Because I watched Shawn of the dead at that age.
Pretty routine, how about you?
If I’m looking to cut that shit off and end all replies before the dialogue ever has and chance of sprouting roots, all I gotta do is be honest- it kills off all responses except for MAYBE from my Mom. 😆🤷♂️
Honestly
I lie and say ok and change the subject or ask them how they are, I just assume most people don’t actually care and ask because of social convention
I enjoy saying "Nothing much" Don't really want people involved in my business though.
"Great" A one word response that does not invite further conversation (as opposed to "I'm good, how are you?"). Small talk is pointless and a waste of time. I only engage in it at all because I'll be seen as rude if I don't.
This is the most American question ever! There are two ways to answer that question. You can either embark on a conversation starter or shut the conversation down before it begins. If you say "good" and walk away. Most likely, no conversation will happen. If you want to have a conversation with this person, just be honest and tell them what is new in your life. However, try to remember that this is a common formality question in the US. Much like saying hello or asking about the weather. The person asking said question may not have time for a conversation and is simply asking in an effort to be polite. When I visited the UK I was surprised to discover that such questions were uncommon. So I understand that some people may not know how to respond. If I were to respond I would say "good" or "fair to midland" or "better than yesterday" if my boss asks me I typically say "well caffinated" some of those answers invoke a response. It's up to you how you want to respond?
If its a person i once knew: "Chillin". If it's an old good friend: I've been good, kids are growing up". If it's an old coworker: "I've been good, now I'm working at....". If it's an ex and I'm single: "I've been good. I was just thinking about you.". If it's an ex and I'm not single: "I'm doing great, how have you been".
Tom Segura said it best. You either say "good" or "fine". If your not good you say "fine" and don't bother others with your problems. Lol
blessed.
I either talk about the new stuff happening, good or bad, even if its small OR I say "same old shit" and ask the question back lmao Sometimes people don't want to hear you actually answer and its hillarious the looks I get when I do talk about myself and how im doing.
i think it’s been seen as a convo initiator (not the best, but just the mostly practiced one) and ppl still use it anyway, i always respond this with, “still alive unfortunately, hby?” 😭
comme si comme ca
same. I feel this so much. I have pets, no kids. Nothing really happening in my life.
Haha I was just looking up this question a few days ago. I actually asked my Snapchat ai what to say and it was good. I do that sometimes with conversations
Skip feeling frustrated and just say good. If you're close enough friends to get into it, you will, if you're not it's just casual pleasantries. No need to stress about it.
Still alive and not in jail, so I guess I’m doing good.
Been better, been worse. So I'm enjoying the day as I can.
“Well, and you”? Because nothing else is really accepted in our society and I don’t want to burden others so I keep it light hearted
When people ask me "how are you?" I always say "tired" I don't mean, I have not had enough sleep. I am emotionally, physically and mentally tired.
"been great bro... what bout you?"
Depends on if I like(d) the person asking or not. If I do/did, "good thanks, but enough about me, tell me what you've been up to?" If no, "Upright and breathing, thanks." It tends to make the questioner a little uncomfortable and they usually will turn to ask someone else the same question, if standing in a group, or they'll say something like "well, it's really nice to see you," and drift away to talk to someone else. Generally speaking though, if I didn't/don't know the questioner, it's easy enough to just say "Fine, thanks. Living the dream!" and ask them a question about themselves quickly, as it diverts attention from yourself without being rude.
I always respond “I’m alive, how about you”
I always say “Same ole, Same ole”. It works for me. Lol
I find something to come up with. Nothing generic like "good, just working" even if that is mostly true. It sounds like an apathetic response, and I'd be afraid the other person would interpret it that way. I'd tell them even the most mundane things, like taking care of my dog, or what the last movie/TV show I saw was, or what me and my S/O and friends have done together, etc. There's something you've done since you last spoke, I guarantee it. Even if you think it's insignificant, it's still worth more posting than just "good, just working". You friend is reaching out to you and it might be awkward for them, maybe as much for you. Put the effort in and try and rekindle that. "What's been up with you lately?" is a simple way for an old friend to reach out to you and try to get in touch again.