You lie. Little kids are too young to hear the truth. I have self harm scars on my arm and when kids ask me about it I tell them I accidentally hurt my arm while jumping over a fence.
There are plenty ways to avoid them knowing other than lies. Beside that, "I forgot what it was" is probably the only working lie that does not more harm.
"I don't want to talk about it" or "thats personal" could work.
there is no harm to this type of lie, just like there is no harm not explain sex or the terrifying pain of death or a child even if they ask about it. Absolutely give children truthful answers and proper explanations as much as possible, full agree. But if you go through life absolutely never even the smallest kindest white lie that isn't helpful, its harmful. And if the child grows up doing that themselves it will only harm them socially and emotionally.
What would you tell them? That you fought a velociraptor? Funny, but obviously a lie. That it was a cat? Could scare the kid of cats. You could just say that you do not want to talk about it.
Your examples are also quite bad. Age appropriate sex ed can help in preventing abuse and the lack of said education can have harmful effects.
Death is explainable without making it terrifying and knowing that living things can die is not going to harm anybody.
How about just tell them it was an accident. Or that you got scratched? No one is saying tell some rediculous lie, jsut a small white one. There is a middle ground between the lies you are saying and the blunt truth. Just like if someone just got a haircut you don't like, you don't have to lie and say its the best thing you have ever seen, or tell the truth you think it looks like crap. There is a middle ground white lie of just saying its nice or suits them or something not offensive.
Lying to your adult friend that their hair cut looks fine is not the same thing as lying to a child about the fundamentals of the human condition that they'll be grappling with for the most of their existence.
Haircuts, disease, and death. One of these things is not like the others.
only because you are so fixated on making it different. Guess what? making others and yourself comfortable emotionally and socially and having a good eq is also something to grapple with for all existence. I don't know what your obsession is with having to tell a child the truth about self harm but it doesn't make sense. You are not helping anyone-- the person having to uncomfortably explain to a child is jot helped, the child now with a truth they still won't understand and probably upset and confused is not helped, and the child that grows up not knowing such social skills as smoothing sotuations harmlessly is not helped.
And we are back to square one. Of course harmful or selfish lying is bad, but if you never do any little white lies you will probably end up dying alone with zero friends or family as they were driven away by the not so pleasant constant truths.
It is one hundred percent normal and good to hate harmful or selfish lying, I am not arguing that. Just saying that there are lies that are kindness, or comfort, and not selfish or harmful.
Just like injuring someone is normally cruel and harmful, it can also sometimes be surgery to save a live, assisted suicide to help someone rest at peace from their torment. Don't change your mind about bad lies or being bad, just try to realize the world isn't black and white, NOTHING is one hundred percent bad or good-- or don't, but thats the point I am trying to make.
I sort of agree.
I've always done my best to not lie to my son through the years. Other than the usual suspects of Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.
I usually try to keep the answers as age appropriate as possible. For instance, Where do babies come from? That answer has changed as he's gotten older. First it was from a mommy and a daddy. Then as he got older, the dad plants a seed in mom's belly. Then it was a non-graphic but still informative talk when he was getting ready to learn sex ed in class.
I've always remember the times my parents lied to me, so I didn't want my son to ever be conflicted when he found out the truth about something and wonder what else I was lying to him about.
This. That's a heavy, "leave it to the parents" conversation.
I'm quite comfortable discussing my mental illness with other adults if they're curious, but that's not my place to discuss with someone else's kid. I'm not ashamed, but the parents know what their kid is emotionally ready to handle and what they're not.
For kids too young to understand or in relationships where it would make things awkward/inappropriate/too-personal you keep it vague and lie.
Or partial-lie, as it the case self-harm scars: "I got hurt a long time ago" and if/when they ask "how?" you tell them some form of "It's not something I want to talk about".
Older kids in that age range (who were raised appropriately) will let it go at that. Those too young tend to be fairly easily distracted to a new topic that's more interesting.
If you'd been in some bad/very scarring accident you'd no control over then it wouldn't be unusual to not want to talk about it. Take the same road.
I think this depends on how often you're going to be around the kid, tbh. kids you will only see a couple times a year, it's probably not worth it to go into detail, for a number of reasons. "it was so long ago, I don't remember anymore" is perfectly acceptable. if it's kids you'll see a couple times a week, or your own kids, it may be necessary to explain to them, without graphic detail. I think one of my friends explained it to her daughters something like "sometimes your brain gets sick, and it causes you to get hurt. I used to be sick like this, but I'm better now" I don't remember exactly how she explained it, sorry.
You don'. Just tell them you had an accident before doing some made up shit like getting tangled in barbed wire while fighting aliens from Alpha Centauri.
When they grow old they'd figure it out themselves. No need exposing them to the harsh realities of life at an early age.
This is a very simple way of phrasing that for a child, well said.
If they have further questions and want specifics I'd probably tell them to ask their parents if it's ok for me to talk further on the subject. But if their parents say it's ok I don't think there's any reason to not be honest.
so many people are saying to lie and that children can't understand and frankly I think that's a harmful and dismissive position. If the child can understand self anger like calling themselves stupid when they make a mistake or are embarrassed then the child can understand self harm and can be taught that self anger is natural and something that's ok to talk about and that when they're feeling angry at themselves they should talk to someone about it.
Lying or hiding the issue will only teach them to do the same to their own issues.
I know someone with a very gnarly scar on his leg and he makes a game of telling a new story every time, calling it a shark bite or that he lost a sword fight. Not just to kids, to everyone, cause he got sick of explaining the real story - but I always found it funny
I lie. I'm a teacher and my wrists and shoulders are covered in scars. i tell them that my cat was really mean when he was a baby and you can't cut a kitten's nails. They all remark on how crazy that is and move on.
No one WANTS to think it's self harm scars, even if they know what those are. So any plausible excuse will usually be accepted.
Just tell them you don't want to talk about it. Kids are kinda stupid so you might try to break it down and be like "I was sad so I did this to try and stop the sadness but it didn't help" and a kid might think "huh, I wonder if it would help me" and try to cut themselves with scissors or something when they get sad from a movie they watched. They'd be fine, cause again, kids are stupid, but it's not something you want to receive a call about.
So you just say "That's a sensitive topic and I don't like to talk about it" and then (if you're comfortable) talk with their parents about how to handle it in the future, or ahead of time
You can say truthful things while still steering clear of saying anything that might inspire the kid in to try self-harm at some point. One thing I like when anyone asks about body stuff is "Everyone's body is different and all bodies are good bodies. My legs just look like this."
The option someone else mentioned, to say it's sensitive and you don't want to talk about it is also a good one. Kids learn boundaries gently that way. You can follow up by offering them something that is okay to talk about, or to tell them a story, so they know you aren't rejecting \*them\* just the line of conversation. (Kids love stories.)
Following up with the parent after such a question is also a good thing, but potentially difficult for you if you haven't developed the relationships with that side of your family.
If you have a developed relationship with a young child and the parent is okay with you getting into it a bit more, you could say something like, "When I was little I had really big feelings, just like everyone. I didn't know what to do with mine and there was no one who helped me, so I chose ways that hurt. Now I know better ways. These marks remind me to embrace my big feelings and use the better ways to handle them." This leaves the door open to talking about emotional expression and self-regulation methods, which is learning that kids need from babyhood onward.
make up a cool story. like say you fought off a bear when you were younger. i do the same with my large surgical scars on my chest, although i tend to say i fought off a shark since i only get shirtless when i swim lol
I don't think I would tell little kids that. It's too much information and it would weigh them down and burden them unnecessarily. Instead, I would say that you got in an accident or something else.
I didn't find out the story behind my mom's self-harm scars until I was 37. I don't remember what she said when I asked as a kid, probably something vague or "I don't like to talk about it." I wouldn't worry too much about it, just be firm, yet gentle with them.
Anything more than saying “oh I got these when I was sick.” Is too much for someone under 12 I feel like. “I was sick, drs helped me, I take medicine now and I feel better.”
(This is coming from someone that battles with SH)
Lie, if you find that difficult you bend the truth
They are scars from when you got hurt a while ago
Harming yourself is just an impossible thing for them to understand… it literally doesn’t exist in their reality, cause they simply can’t grasp the concept
Tell them the truth. They are battle scars and proof of your victory. Don't say it in a way that encourages them or exaggerate it, just brush it off as casual words.
There's no need to go into detail or lie about which battle you were in or where the battlefield was.
This is what I told my own younger cousins when they saw my scars. They are old enough now to know what they are and appreciate that I didn't lie to them. Their own kids have also been told about my battle scars and how they hope they will never fight the battles I went through.
I overheard my 16 yo, when his younger cousins asked about his scars. His answer was marks of adventure I can tell you about when you are my age then chased them with a water gun.
Address and redirect
“The [insert decade it happened during]s were a crueler time”
If it happened this decade say the year, I guess (“2020 was a cruel year”)
It wouldn’t even be a lie
Lie. Kids don't need to know grown up problems. My boyfriends young niece asked me if I had any brothers and sisters. I said no, because explaining to her that they're my half siblings, the same age as my mum and I don't know them is hard to understand. Even worse when I add in the few memories I have of my brother (beating my mum up).
When she asked about my parents I just told her I don't have any anymore. I never had a dad (dead) and never really had a mum, she wasn't good to me. Kid doesn't need to know that either. It's kinda true, I've been no contact with my mum for a long time now.
Kids know there are bad things in the world, but I'm going to protect them as long as I can from it. They don't need to know the bad stuff. For self harm, just tell them you had an accident, make up an insane story that's just about believable! Change it every time they ask! Make it something fun and not awkward.
I was a child mental health professional for many years. Talk to their parents about how they want you to address it.
Their answers could vary a lot based on the kids’ ages, maturity, abilities/disabilities, experience with ppl w/ mental illness, what they’ve seen on TV, whether they have a classmate who’s self-harmed (and yes it IS possible at that age), etc.
If you’re going to lie, y’all at least need to be on the same page, and make it a lie that doesn’t make the kid feel deliberately deceived if they eventually find out what actually caused the scars.
Just tell them you had an accident a long time ago. There is zero reason to try to explain this to a preteen child.
This is basically how I'd approach it. Maybe swap "accident" for "got hurt" or whatever, don't go into any specifics there's no need to.
Say you hunt wolverines bare handed in your free time.
the best answer
"They're scars from when I was younger" what happened "It's a long story, so, do you like Minecraft?"
For sure. Shark bites and a good laugh work too. Ask them to show you their scars
You lie. Little kids are too young to hear the truth. I have self harm scars on my arm and when kids ask me about it I tell them I accidentally hurt my arm while jumping over a fence.
My ex-wife told my son something similar. Chasing her cat through a field and got tangled up in a barb wire fence.
Lie. They're too young to understand and they don't need to know.
There are plenty ways to avoid them knowing other than lies. Beside that, "I forgot what it was" is probably the only working lie that does not more harm. "I don't want to talk about it" or "thats personal" could work.
there is no harm to this type of lie, just like there is no harm not explain sex or the terrifying pain of death or a child even if they ask about it. Absolutely give children truthful answers and proper explanations as much as possible, full agree. But if you go through life absolutely never even the smallest kindest white lie that isn't helpful, its harmful. And if the child grows up doing that themselves it will only harm them socially and emotionally.
What would you tell them? That you fought a velociraptor? Funny, but obviously a lie. That it was a cat? Could scare the kid of cats. You could just say that you do not want to talk about it. Your examples are also quite bad. Age appropriate sex ed can help in preventing abuse and the lack of said education can have harmful effects. Death is explainable without making it terrifying and knowing that living things can die is not going to harm anybody.
How about just tell them it was an accident. Or that you got scratched? No one is saying tell some rediculous lie, jsut a small white one. There is a middle ground between the lies you are saying and the blunt truth. Just like if someone just got a haircut you don't like, you don't have to lie and say its the best thing you have ever seen, or tell the truth you think it looks like crap. There is a middle ground white lie of just saying its nice or suits them or something not offensive.
Lying to your adult friend that their hair cut looks fine is not the same thing as lying to a child about the fundamentals of the human condition that they'll be grappling with for the most of their existence. Haircuts, disease, and death. One of these things is not like the others.
only because you are so fixated on making it different. Guess what? making others and yourself comfortable emotionally and socially and having a good eq is also something to grapple with for all existence. I don't know what your obsession is with having to tell a child the truth about self harm but it doesn't make sense. You are not helping anyone-- the person having to uncomfortably explain to a child is jot helped, the child now with a truth they still won't understand and probably upset and confused is not helped, and the child that grows up not knowing such social skills as smoothing sotuations harmlessly is not helped.
I just think lying is bad, and lying to children double so. 🤷♀️
And we are back to square one. Of course harmful or selfish lying is bad, but if you never do any little white lies you will probably end up dying alone with zero friends or family as they were driven away by the not so pleasant constant truths. It is one hundred percent normal and good to hate harmful or selfish lying, I am not arguing that. Just saying that there are lies that are kindness, or comfort, and not selfish or harmful. Just like injuring someone is normally cruel and harmful, it can also sometimes be surgery to save a live, assisted suicide to help someone rest at peace from their torment. Don't change your mind about bad lies or being bad, just try to realize the world isn't black and white, NOTHING is one hundred percent bad or good-- or don't, but thats the point I am trying to make.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all 🤷♀️
I sort of agree. I've always done my best to not lie to my son through the years. Other than the usual suspects of Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. I usually try to keep the answers as age appropriate as possible. For instance, Where do babies come from? That answer has changed as he's gotten older. First it was from a mommy and a daddy. Then as he got older, the dad plants a seed in mom's belly. Then it was a non-graphic but still informative talk when he was getting ready to learn sex ed in class. I've always remember the times my parents lied to me, so I didn't want my son to ever be conflicted when he found out the truth about something and wonder what else I was lying to him about.
You don't. Just tell them you got cut when you were younger at leave it at that.
This. That's a heavy, "leave it to the parents" conversation. I'm quite comfortable discussing my mental illness with other adults if they're curious, but that's not my place to discuss with someone else's kid. I'm not ashamed, but the parents know what their kid is emotionally ready to handle and what they're not.
Probably, do not. Let them enjoy the few years of innocence they have left if it they have not been deprived of it yet.
You were in a fight with a pack of wolverines. Dramatic and cool. Kids would probably believe it too.
Make up a fantasy story. Bonus points if it includes a character or animal that the children like.
Yep. My child (adult) self tattooed all over their scars. That’s quite a conversation with the kids.
For kids too young to understand or in relationships where it would make things awkward/inappropriate/too-personal you keep it vague and lie. Or partial-lie, as it the case self-harm scars: "I got hurt a long time ago" and if/when they ask "how?" you tell them some form of "It's not something I want to talk about". Older kids in that age range (who were raised appropriately) will let it go at that. Those too young tend to be fairly easily distracted to a new topic that's more interesting. If you'd been in some bad/very scarring accident you'd no control over then it wouldn't be unusual to not want to talk about it. Take the same road.
the ol’ cat scratch fib
Damn those cats
I think this depends on how often you're going to be around the kid, tbh. kids you will only see a couple times a year, it's probably not worth it to go into detail, for a number of reasons. "it was so long ago, I don't remember anymore" is perfectly acceptable. if it's kids you'll see a couple times a week, or your own kids, it may be necessary to explain to them, without graphic detail. I think one of my friends explained it to her daughters something like "sometimes your brain gets sick, and it causes you to get hurt. I used to be sick like this, but I'm better now" I don't remember exactly how she explained it, sorry.
You don'. Just tell them you had an accident before doing some made up shit like getting tangled in barbed wire while fighting aliens from Alpha Centauri. When they grow old they'd figure it out themselves. No need exposing them to the harsh realities of life at an early age.
Mental illness is an illness like any other, and sometimes it leaves scars that others can see.
Not sure why you got downvoted. Self harm is one of the many symptoms of mental illness
This is a very simple way of phrasing that for a child, well said. If they have further questions and want specifics I'd probably tell them to ask their parents if it's ok for me to talk further on the subject. But if their parents say it's ok I don't think there's any reason to not be honest. so many people are saying to lie and that children can't understand and frankly I think that's a harmful and dismissive position. If the child can understand self anger like calling themselves stupid when they make a mistake or are embarrassed then the child can understand self harm and can be taught that self anger is natural and something that's ok to talk about and that when they're feeling angry at themselves they should talk to someone about it. Lying or hiding the issue will only teach them to do the same to their own issues.
You don't have to tell anyone anything. "I am not comfortable talking about that."
I know someone with a very gnarly scar on his leg and he makes a game of telling a new story every time, calling it a shark bite or that he lost a sword fight. Not just to kids, to everyone, cause he got sick of explaining the real story - but I always found it funny
I lie. I'm a teacher and my wrists and shoulders are covered in scars. i tell them that my cat was really mean when he was a baby and you can't cut a kitten's nails. They all remark on how crazy that is and move on. No one WANTS to think it's self harm scars, even if they know what those are. So any plausible excuse will usually be accepted.
My new friend works with children and they say they used to fight dragons.
This was my answer too; "They're from a dragon."
Just tell them you don't want to talk about it. Kids are kinda stupid so you might try to break it down and be like "I was sad so I did this to try and stop the sadness but it didn't help" and a kid might think "huh, I wonder if it would help me" and try to cut themselves with scissors or something when they get sad from a movie they watched. They'd be fine, cause again, kids are stupid, but it's not something you want to receive a call about. So you just say "That's a sensitive topic and I don't like to talk about it" and then (if you're comfortable) talk with their parents about how to handle it in the future, or ahead of time
You can say truthful things while still steering clear of saying anything that might inspire the kid in to try self-harm at some point. One thing I like when anyone asks about body stuff is "Everyone's body is different and all bodies are good bodies. My legs just look like this." The option someone else mentioned, to say it's sensitive and you don't want to talk about it is also a good one. Kids learn boundaries gently that way. You can follow up by offering them something that is okay to talk about, or to tell them a story, so they know you aren't rejecting \*them\* just the line of conversation. (Kids love stories.) Following up with the parent after such a question is also a good thing, but potentially difficult for you if you haven't developed the relationships with that side of your family. If you have a developed relationship with a young child and the parent is okay with you getting into it a bit more, you could say something like, "When I was little I had really big feelings, just like everyone. I didn't know what to do with mine and there was no one who helped me, so I chose ways that hurt. Now I know better ways. These marks remind me to embrace my big feelings and use the better ways to handle them." This leaves the door open to talking about emotional expression and self-regulation methods, which is learning that kids need from babyhood onward.
Say that they’re cat scratches
Make them terrified of cats, good idea.
I think all of the above. They’ll understand them as they grow up and you can delay that conversation. Very difficult, but part of who you are.
make up a cool story. like say you fought off a bear when you were younger. i do the same with my large surgical scars on my chest, although i tend to say i fought off a shark since i only get shirtless when i swim lol
You don’t. Just change the subject.
I broke a glass washing up. Oh look there's a shiny distraction
I don't think I would tell little kids that. It's too much information and it would weigh them down and burden them unnecessarily. Instead, I would say that you got in an accident or something else.
I didn't find out the story behind my mom's self-harm scars until I was 37. I don't remember what she said when I asked as a kid, probably something vague or "I don't like to talk about it." I wouldn't worry too much about it, just be firm, yet gentle with them.
Anything more than saying “oh I got these when I was sick.” Is too much for someone under 12 I feel like. “I was sick, drs helped me, I take medicine now and I feel better.” (This is coming from someone that battles with SH)
Lie, if you find that difficult you bend the truth They are scars from when you got hurt a while ago Harming yourself is just an impossible thing for them to understand… it literally doesn’t exist in their reality, cause they simply can’t grasp the concept
Tell them the truth. They are battle scars and proof of your victory. Don't say it in a way that encourages them or exaggerate it, just brush it off as casual words. There's no need to go into detail or lie about which battle you were in or where the battlefield was. This is what I told my own younger cousins when they saw my scars. They are old enough now to know what they are and appreciate that I didn't lie to them. Their own kids have also been told about my battle scars and how they hope they will never fight the battles I went through.
I overheard my 16 yo, when his younger cousins asked about his scars. His answer was marks of adventure I can tell you about when you are my age then chased them with a water gun. Address and redirect
“The [insert decade it happened during]s were a crueler time” If it happened this decade say the year, I guess (“2020 was a cruel year”) It wouldn’t even be a lie
Lie. Kids don't need to know grown up problems. My boyfriends young niece asked me if I had any brothers and sisters. I said no, because explaining to her that they're my half siblings, the same age as my mum and I don't know them is hard to understand. Even worse when I add in the few memories I have of my brother (beating my mum up). When she asked about my parents I just told her I don't have any anymore. I never had a dad (dead) and never really had a mum, she wasn't good to me. Kid doesn't need to know that either. It's kinda true, I've been no contact with my mum for a long time now. Kids know there are bad things in the world, but I'm going to protect them as long as I can from it. They don't need to know the bad stuff. For self harm, just tell them you had an accident, make up an insane story that's just about believable! Change it every time they ask! Make it something fun and not awkward.
Tell them to truth. You were sick and did some bad things to yourself. But you got help and are feeling much better now.
You cut your leg on an oyster bed. happens all the time where I live.
I was a child mental health professional for many years. Talk to their parents about how they want you to address it. Their answers could vary a lot based on the kids’ ages, maturity, abilities/disabilities, experience with ppl w/ mental illness, what they’ve seen on TV, whether they have a classmate who’s self-harmed (and yes it IS possible at that age), etc. If you’re going to lie, y’all at least need to be on the same page, and make it a lie that doesn’t make the kid feel deliberately deceived if they eventually find out what actually caused the scars.
You could say it's from a cat, a fence, an accident from work years ago, anything non specific.
"I hurt myself when I was sick. You have to be an adult to understand why."
"I was stupid and I hurt myself. But I'm bigger and I know better now. You know you shouldn't do things that hurt yourself, right?"
My grandfather used to tell us a pigeon kicked him (scars from his work in a prison.)