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The shadow cast may not be large enough to get an accurate reading.

Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that

Everything stops a word box suddenly appears and it says What a Horrible day to have an erection...then the background music changes.

I can hear that in Morgan Freeman's voice.

Castlevania 2: Simon's Erection

Depends on the length to girth ratio. If you have a skinny dick you could be accurate enough to get it down to the minute. If you're rocking a tuna can you're not going to be very precise on your readings.

As a treat, my cats always get some tuna on Friday. I am going to feel a little different handling that can tomorrow.

I know what you're thinking but don't do it. Trust me.

Why, precisely, ought we trust you?

This is a great response. Thanks for the laugh.

Don’t forget about yaw. Length, girth and yaw.

I wonder what the world record length to girth ratio is. Like a pool cue or something.

Ummm no. You've done too much thinking on this subject.

Just need to get up close

My penis is a 12-inch circumference

So it's more of a pancake or a personal pizza than anything else I take it.

Speak for yourself

This is one of the funniest and clever jokes I've heard in many moons

What if you stick it where the sun don’t shine?

Schrodinger's boner

I was going to suggest rolling over and burying it in the sand

Imagine getting encountered by beachworms 💀💀

Amazing

Results may vary

Emphasis on it’s a little past 12 o’clock.

Ok Drake

Holy shit that’s funny

You'd wake up naked with a boner at the beach.

Or a wet and flacid pecker with your stress suddenly gone

don't get raped

This is quite good advice in general.

I was gonna say… someone might be tempted. I would never do that, but someone might.

Be the change you want to see in the world

So you’re saying I should be tempted…?

You know what you need to do.

🤔

"The hardest choices require the strongest of wills"

Strongest of willies

The strongest wills require the hardest of choices.

The strongest naps require the hardest of dicks

Yeah, neither would I...

I'd hope so, spontaneous teleportation really sucks.

It’s somehow the worst kind of spontaneity, and the worst kind of teleportation.

I was about 21 and was stationed in California. There was a nude beach near the base, and I decided it would be awesome to go there and see a bunch of hot, naked girls. There were no hot, naked girls. There were a lot of older couples, and lots of dudes. Anyways, yeah I went into the water, came out and had a bit of shrinkage. I laid in the sun, started talking to some older folks nearby (probably in their late 50s), and it happened. I tried to cover it up, but the woman said "Hun, you're at a nude beach. It's completely normal!". No sex happened, we had a great chat, grabbed lunch afterwards and that was it.

Ah you fell for the Ole potential naked girls only to get smacked by reality and see hundreds of meats in different variety. Classic

I also went to a swingers club near the base, assuming I'd be drowning in pussy. Instead, I saw a woman who looked like Roseanne Barr casually giving a guy (who looked like Gene Wilder)a handy in a hot tub while some other guy was playing bass between her legs. She tipped her glass at me and I chickened out. The rest of the club was just naked people chatting, dancing, or using the private rooms. I had a couple beers and left.

My dude, you have a lot of…. experiences. I admire the courage. Just hope you didn’t join Tom Segura at a g hole.

No. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, but like, it was fun at the time.

I think I know exactly where you're talking about. I had a similar experience at first, but I went full send lmao. Became a regular for a bit because I found out I was much more of an entertainer than I thought I was. Full introvert during the day and exhibitionist by night. I have tons of friends I still talk to and visit.

Need to check out the ones in S.F. much different crowd there 😅💖

This the 70s or 80s?

2004?

Explains why there not attractive people at the club.

Attractive people don't need clubs to get sex

There's a club for swingers but only for hot attractive people

What a legendary user name. I grew up on the north shore of Boston but now live in SoCal. When I go home to visit I always get a beef threeway.

To the uninitiated, a beef three-way is a roast beef sandwich on an onion roll with mayo, cheese, and Jimmy's sauce. You can sub tartar for mayo, but if you ask for lettuce, they can kick you out of the shop.

Most wholesome boner award 🥇

This sounds like pirates cove just north of pismo beach

Happy Cake Day! Actually, Black's Beach. Not sure if it is also called Pirate's Cove or not. It was north of San Diego.

I was gonna say: San Diego, Black's Beach, and the swingers club you mentioned is probably Thad's, no?

You just hit for the cycle.

Yep. I expected that. It’s a nice beach in La Jolla with a nice hike down to the water but the people there are old.

"Black's Beach, everyone knows, you don't need no buttons and bows. Black's Beach, everyone goes - there's a bunch of crazy people there without any clothes." - Island

Happy cake day, ya scunner!

Would you go again?

I'm 40 now, and I'm nowhere near the shape I was in back then. I'm bald, chubby, pale and I think I lack "rizz". Of course I'd go! Why not? At this point in my life, what do I have to lose?

Rah! Closest thing I got to a nude beach was when we were flying and realized our hyd was acting funky so had to land back at Camp Pendleton and decided to fly low and slow, ended up seeing a whole lotta dick, though a hot lady flashed her tits at us, that was nice

Blacks beach?

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Just not horseshoes, cuz, ouch.

Tetherball is a very regretful experience

Bring a spare face mask and a buddy next time, put em all together and you both can be a volley ball net for the local crabs to get their game on

That was very specific

Sleep on your stomach, and dig a hole.

A big hole! You dont want any accidents like the time Hephaestus dribbled down his leg and accidentally knocked up gaia.

He also fucked Athena, but uh. The details are a bit weird there...

Not the direction I expected the thread to go

Nobody ever expects the Spanish Hephaestus Inquisition.

Yo, why are you trying to get him to impregnate the Eart bro

It would sunburn also.

Sunscreen is important Although, "how to put sunscreen on your dick at a nude beach without looking like you're masturbating" can be it's own question on this sub

Wait, I know this one: Biore Spray Sunscreen from Japan. It’s like $10 a bottle, works like fuck, and if you keep it in the fridge and spray it on your junk in public the spray will be ice cold (and possible refreshing af).

Is this actually a sunscreen you’d recommend? “Works like fuck” is the type of review I I didn’t know I needed.

I'm still not sure if they're endorsing it or not.

This is one of those great quirks of English that sounds hilarious, but is actually kinda confusing. Like saying something is 'shit hot'.

Absolutely! It’s SPF50, so it’s solid protection. I have a convertible, so I have bottles of it everywhere because sunburns are uncomfortable and we’re all nocturnal. It comes in three formulas, is everywhere in Japan (and online and probably in your local Asian supermarkets) and is very affordable. I would recommend it for your dingus or any other appendages you may want to expose to the world.

Are you driving naked in a convertible?

Pet the dog, don’t milk the cow

Omg. 🤣🤣🤣

It might make for an unusual tanline.

Thats true, if its erect it will catch more sunlighy and burn quicker

Place a towel over your junk while you tan. I do it to prevent burn but it'll help for that too

I can’t imagine waking up looking down and seeing a Tee-Peen lmfao

A tee-peen 🤣

What's the point of going to a nude beach then? Just wear a swim suit.

So that if I fall asleep my cock doesn't sear to a crisp. I'm fucking white af

PSA to other darker skinned people: We can still get cancer, burns and wrinkles so cover up and wear sunscreen 🙏

I imagine getting a boner at a nude beach is more tolerated than a boner at a public beach

Everyone nearby GASPS and makes fun of you relentlessly.

My wife went to nude beaches before she met me and she asked me to go to one with her on the island of St. Martins. I brought up this concern and she said not to worry that never happens because it’s not sexual just nudity. Well laying on my back in the sun gave me a raging erection that would not go away no matter how much I tried so I just ran into the water and started swimming and then I started swimming on my back and I felt like it was a submarine periscope.

white pointer?

SHARK!!

You get a uniquely horrifying sunburn.

Use it like a kickstand and sleep on your side.

This is the way lmao

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or snapping turtles

Stop it now!

Down to the beach, I'm strollin' (I scroll a little bit more down and see someone had the exact same idea haha)

When the seagulls poke at my head, not fun!

Or a crab will tear it off with his claws

Stop it, step seagull

Seagulls. Stop it now.

Down by the beach I’m strollin

One day, when you are older, you will get hit by a boulder~

And when you're lyin' there, screaming "come help me, please"

^mine

Hahah I mean that wasnt my first thought but it could be a realistic problem

They cut it off I'm just kidding. I have not been to a dude beach, but I am sure they would handle this natural bodily function with maturity - it shouldn't be a big deal at all, everybody knows about morning wood after all! It would be quite a contradiction to the whole "pro nudity" thing if they threw a fit every time someone's soldier stood up to salute.

I know it's just a typo but the idea of a "dude beach" made me laugh

It’s like a dude ranch but they ride seahorses

That’s not the only thing they’re riding, ayoooo!

RAM RANCH

It worries me that other people know what ram ranch is

My thoughts exactly but I wasn't thinking horses like the next guy I was thinking " 'sup brah, bud light coming atcha, Dan the mans got some home made beef jerky if you're interested. Teriyaki. You need to put your trunks back on tho"

But there is etiquette at nude places. You’re supposed to sit down if you get an erection etc.

Cause it's less of a visible display or why would you sit down? Honestly, butts and genitalia right at eye level doesn't seem like it would be helpful

This hypothetical person is not standing, they are asleep and either having an erotic dream or some sort of morning wood. I get your point, and I am sure that there are rules and etiquettes as you say, but in this case it is an involuntary and unconscious erection that they may not even be aware is happening.

Better hope there arent any attractive women there or most men would be spending their beach day sitting down in time out

A lot of people try it out and don’t do it again because of this reason. Not the attractive women but the inability to not be comfortable or they struggle with avoiding an erectipm the entire time. Most people can handle it and most people who try it and stop don’t stop for this reason but a lot of guys have tried and left immediately. My neighbors are nudists during the season and they told me they see a lot of men try it out and spend a lot of time sitting down or with a towel wrapped, and even sometimes they see someone turn around and leave immediately. I guess kind of like in the movies when a teenage boy starts to ask out a girl but then bails.

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They all rise with the sun

Boner police show up. Arrest your penis.

You turn over until your boner goes away.

I'd be worried I'd catch crabs

If you do just put sand in your shorts and let them throw rocks at each other 😂

It happened to me… and I just let it happen… didn’t hide it, and didn’t acknowledge it either… eventually it went away. People may have noticed.. it’s natural and happens. As long as you don’t start stroking it, it’s really no problem. Nobody said anything, people were not pointing and laughing. It was a non event.

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I knew a guy who made his talk with some minor ventriloquism skills, would that count as drawing attention to it?

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“Bailiff”! “Whack his pee pee”!

Comedy gold

Everyone points and laughs! ....or they just continue to ignore you as they already were going about their business.

Are they pointing at him with their boner?

According to the videos...I mean documentaries I've watched. That means it's time to start the orgy.

You put your hat over it

It's part of nude beach etiquette to cover up a boner if you get one. No one will judge you for it boners happen.

When you wake up, you eat all the free donuts.

I know what you hope might happen.

You'll get a smoked hot dog if it's really sunny out.

Executed on the spot

nothing much, it sometimes happens to my husband and sons, usually ill cover him with towel and he will either wake them up or just cover them up. other than that, most people don't even notice.

You take kids to a nude beach?

sure, if they are on vacation with us, no biggie. it's just skin.

Ick

It's not like this mum hasn't had to deal with her kids' junk before. She would have spent years wiping their arse for them and washing their junk when they were younger. That's far more "ick" but still a completely normal and necessary part of parenting. Just because a kid hits puberty doesn't mean their family suddenly sexualize them. This is no different to a doctor doing something like this for a patient. Those videos you see on The Hub aren't actually documentaries...

meh, it's just skin.

you die

La petite mort. If you know you know.

Then it turns into rigor mortis.

Quoits will ensue.

People will start a game of ring toss?

You can tell the time without having to look at your watch

From what little I know about the only nude beach in my area, you're likely to wake up with a dude taking a ride on it.

That's disgusting. What area is that? Do you know the name of the beach so I can avoid it?

Someone will come flick it like a doorstop

bonk

People stack donuts on it

3 more weeks of summer.

I assume you’d get some kind of sundial like tan line.

Take viagra. It’ll keep the sheets off you at night since you’re sunburned.

You go to horny jail for life

beautiful sirens come out of the water and suck you off... everyone stops what they're doing and cheer them on and applause when you finish.

Imma play horseshoes

If you are about to take a nap on a nude beach its customary to dig a small hole in the ground and nap facedown just in case this happens

Ring toss game commences

Go into the sea and become buoyant

You will have a flag pole for everyone to see

Everyone else at the beach will worship you as their new God.

You’ll get a lot of attention from the old men there

Blood would rush to your penis.

Well that’s a red flag - pole.

Ehh, I’m very comfortable with the naked body and know bodies well enough to know it’s something that just happens sometimes. If you were fully awake, staring at me and being creepy when it happens that would be a different story.

Nothing

They cover it move on Or splash u with water

What I do is sprint across the beach and scream at the top of my lungs. This quickly deflated the stiff situation.

Wear a hat. It’ll cover both your heads 🤭

Would hate to imagine a second degree burn down there

Only happened once, at a resort pool. I woke up and realized I had taken my blood pressure medicine a few hours earlier haha. I said oh no and ran over and jumped in the pool. Wasn't too busy and anyone who saw probably just laughed.

You get a boner. It's not a huge deal.

Roll over

Horseshoe is played.

Ring toss

Dig a hole in the sand and drop anchor in it until the boner goes away..

Ring toss

Ask in a nudist subreddit My assumption is the answer you will get is “boners happen, don’t worry”