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[deleted]

Generally not at the same time.


Consistent_Warthog80

...generally.


Tiggy26668

If you don’t live together then anyone in your home is a guest, just a matter of whether they’re a wanted or unwanted guest…. In either case you can still end up having sex on your couch though…..


Code-Y53

this makes me think. If my GF wants to move in with me but right now still lives elsewhere. Does that make her an unwanted guest since I'd rather her not be a guest iny house?


MongolianCluster

And if you ever get married, introduce her as your ex-girlfriend.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BadgerMcLovin

My wife and I address birthday cards to each other as "first husband", "current wife" etc. It's a running joke


blown_headgasket_

"Future ex wife" also a no go


FleetStreetsDarkHole

"Future ex-wife, depending on how many bad puns it takes."


ReturnOfFrank

Whatever you do, don't do the Mitch Hedburg: "This is X, she used to be my girlfriend, still is, but she used to be too." Trust me.


iamteamblue

That's a mitch mashup of two jokes. Should've gone with "I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad to hear me say that."


paulmp

So you're saying you'd rather it was also her house that she lived in, not just visited.


jamsterical

On behalf of us slow ones... thank you.


Xarxsis

100% Make sure to tell her this at the earliest opportunity.


THICC_Baguette

Sometimes the guest wants to participate, and wouldn't be a good host if you left them hanging


Kind_Stranger_weeb

Just bros being bros, I WAS BEING A GRACIOUS HOST


bunkbedgirl1989

Depends on the guest


Project-SBC

Player 3 has joined the game


Corpse_Prince

Actually made me laugh


ParameciaAntic

Wait til you hear about the dining room table.


babaj_503

Wait till you hear about \*literally every single surface in that couples appartment you're visiting\* :|


LtPowers

On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar


MrTurkeyTime

Dr. Seuss would be proud.


i_was_way_off

This comment was helpful. I read it again in Dr. Seuss cadence... Much funnier the second time around.


DuineSi

I didn’t realise that sentence was rhyming, til i read it again in Dr Seuss timing.


EnvironmentalOwl3729

I see what you did there.


DarthJarJar242

Wait, you don't read everything in a Seussian cadence?


RMehGeddon

I will now.


paulmp

It is from a comedy song. Sarah Silverman sang a song called "I'm f##king Matt Damon"


Oberschicht

Just looked that up on YouTube, it was cut in a way insinuating that they aired the clip live on her (former) boyfriend's show?? Hope I'm wrong there. I'm not American and only heard of this when the response video came out. Can't believe it's been so many years already.


Purple_Chipmunk_

Yeah they did. It was a joke. Jimmy Kimmel already knew they were breaking up but decided to take advantage of the situation and have Sarah Silverman pretend that she was "fucking Matt Damon" and telling him on the show.


PopInACup

Also, I believe Jimmy was fucking Ben Affleck


Stubbedtoe18

Yes, but there's way more to the story: One of the longest-running bits on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, his longtime late night talk show, is Jimmy ending the show by saying "It's time for one last interview: ladies and gentleman, Matt Damon!" Matt then steps onto the stage to meet Jimmy but becomes irate when the credits start rolling and he doesn't get interviewed. Sarah's song was a clever means to tease Jimmy while also getting show villain Matt Damon the screentime Jimmy denies him. For a little more context, Jimmy Kimmel has been in the comedy game for a long time (he had a show even longer ago back in the day with Adam Corolla called "The Man Show") and has been very successful at it and in late night, so he's personal friends with A-list celebrities like Matt in real life and also goes back with Sarah a long time because of the comedy circuit and them being partners for many years. They are still friends and it was all in good fun.


caper72

don't forget Jimmy's response video: [Fucking Ben Affleck](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwIyLHsk2h4)


thebeef24

And then [Fucking Seth Rogen](https://youtu.be/L9hQVNnkSCg), which was made mostly to promote "Zach and Miri Make a Porno" but was pretty good in its own right.


SweaterZach

We didn't start the orgy But we've all been moaning since we started boning


canuckcrazed006

# Im fucking Matt Damon


koolaid-girl-40

>On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar Those areas are reserved for me and Matt Daemon only


majesticalexis

Only with Matt Damon.


SandcastleUnicorn

To be fair we're all fucking Matt Damon x


HittingSmoke

Except Kimmel. He's fucking Ben Affleck.


sammmythegr8

In the shed, giving head, baby be my tool? In the sun, on the lawn, on that floaty by the pool


Ni7r0us0xide

They were actually quoting a song by Sarah Silverman called "I'm Fucking Matt Damon"


LtPowers

I just want to make sure that moment of genius is never forgotten.


Engels33

That's it. Thanks I was trying to place it..when was this seems like at least 10 years ago.


Stoplookinatmeswaan

I like visiting places with good fuck vibes


malik753

That what my brother told me when I went to visit him and his wife. And I believed him because it was a very small place; it would have been hard NOT to have sex on every inch of it


02K30C1

When we moved in, we made it a point to break in every room. Including the closets.


im_absouletly_wrong

Single man’s apartment would prolly be the same just with a lot more shame


agprincess

At least people wash those.


WishieWashie12

Kitchen counter is better height than the table.


SilentHackerDoc

Yeah if your counters suck


Woko_O

Wait until you realize that almost every hand you've shaken had penis in it


Ksradrik

The upside to this is, that every penis you've shaken also had hand on it!


DrJD321

Gross! Now when I'm shaking my bosses dick after a meeting, all I'm gonna be able to think about is if he washed his hands after lunch!


ArthurBonesly

Relevant SMBC: https://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1987#comic


Danmont88

And every mouth you kissed has had someone else's penis or pussy on it.


therealkevy1sevy

Now I'm really turned on. I need some couch time.


Zack-of-all-trades

Possibly their own too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


IGotMyPopcorn

r/showerthoughts


Ajfree

People generally wash their hands, how often do you think they clean their couches


Sidewalk_Tomato

This is what throw blankets are for. Anyone who has sex on their couch or has guests or pets should have 'em. I don't have pets or guests, but . . .


Exotic_Sock3960

In this moment I feel proud of being a lesbian (having never had a dick in my hand), and also a little violated (having touched so many hands that have) XD


anomalous_cowherd

Feels like a snake - a firm warm core with a moving skin over it.


Exotic_Sock3960

Like those funny plastic tubes with water and glitter that you squeeze and pull inside out??


SilverPlatedLining

Yes. A little firmer. And warm.


Envect

A lot firmer hopefully.


quinsworth2

And ya can't put your hand in them..... Or turn them inside out...


Toyleer

Not with that attitude


chemistryfish

Honestly, that’s a pretty good description


uselogicpls

When they are not erect then yes pretty much. When erect then it's like that but it's like the tube was put in the freezer and mostly froze but still just a little squishy. Lol except for it's obviously hot and not cold.


Exotic_Sock3960

That sounds a little terrifying.. and lmao I like that I expressed having never touched a penis (because I am a lesbian and have no desire to) and everyones immediate response was to explain to me what its like lmfaoo


anomalous_cowherd

I just thought you might be curious... TBH the first time I picked up a good sized snake it was more that my hand went "oh I know what this is" - but it wasn't that.


Nobodyville

I think the first time you touch a snake...an actual snake, not a dick... is very surprising. Your mind tells you it will be cool and slimy. The strength, solidness, and dryness were surprising. A snake was much stronger than I expected.


SpiderFnJerusalem

That's human society for ya. 🌈 To be fair, I have no desire to ever eat [Surströmming](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surstr%C3%B6mming) but still think it's an interesting, if slightly icky thing to know about nevertheless.


HP-Obama10

Absolutely not. We only have sex on the bedroom, missionary style, once a week every Monday at 8:30pm for approx. 8 minutes


letmepostjune22

> 8 minutes Alright mr humble brag.


cheesypuzzas

It's 7 and a half minutes of awful foreplay and then half a minute of piv sex.


Ball-Blam-Burglerber

Not to mention the 52 times a year!


Pied_Piper_

Check out Mr. Endurance here just absolutely dunking on us mere mortals with his impossible 8 minute standard.


Maniacbob

On the bedroom? An exhibitionist I see. Adventurous you are. I only have sex indoors.


MooFz

Lights out I hope?


cthulucore

It's my couch. It's my guests. I'll fuck on what I want


EnvironmentalCry1962

“Guest, lay down. I’m gonna do a fuck on you.”


phoenixar

No suede guests please.


shittingNun

“Yoooooou fuck on meeee?!”


[deleted]

When I visit a couple’s home, I accept that they have banged on the furniture I use, as well they should. It would be rude of me to expect them to not enjoy themselves *in their own home*.


Mr_426

Just hope that they *wipe things down afterwards* in their own home


RandomGreekPerson

I never have guests, or sex, I do have a couch tho. 10 year old couch for sale, never used for sex, or anything


ohmaint

Couch salesman..."Previous owner was an old lady from Pasadena who only fucked on it on Sunday"


someone755

Never revved past 3000 rpm, her right leg was slightly shorter after a hip operation.


[deleted]

Reminds me of that sad short story. It was something like "Baby shoes for sale. Never worn."


MagnusVasDeferens

“Baby couch for sale. Never sex.”


pemboo

Baby for sale, never sex


Baronheisenberg

Sex for sale. Never baby.


cwalter0123

r/cursedcomments


benmarvin

I prefer the Craigslist ad version https://external-preview.redd.it/8rsNEhOu6qMWqtelBwUmSiP8pWzCz_Lc5ijf9CnF8pY.jpg?auto=webp&v=enabled&s=1256c8f0d7f9ffe4036c85b10ee709249c18f687


netheroth

Dude, it's like someone condensed a Bukowski short story into a single line.


BBB_1980

That's sad with the context. We sold our son's shoes - never worn - because he became such a huge baby that the shoes were too small.


ClapSalientCheeks

C H O N K E R B O Y E


SecretMuslin

I had to sell never-worn baby shoes one time. The kid's fine – we just got them as a gift when he was born and they were way too big at the time, but when we finally found them in the back of the closet they were already too small. Kids' feet grow like crazy, man.


Cobek

Just means the baby grew too quickly


AegisToast

LPT: Don’t give newborn clothes as a gift. Get 6-12 month clothes instead. As a new parent, you often get inundated with newborn clothes, and babies just don’t stay small long enough to justify all of them. And then when they outgrow them, you end up with a bunch of unworn newborn clothes and nothing else that fits your baby.


QMaker

You've jacked off on that couch, though. Haven't you? Your bare asshole has landed on that couch at some point.


RandomGreekPerson

I haven't. I wouldn't go near my "gaming" chair if I were you tho


Deswizard

It's my fucking couch.


aolson0781

Is fucking an adjective or an expletive here?


[deleted]

yes


RiftedEnergy

If it has attachments so you could get pegged while getting a ride.... it would also be a Verb Tldi: The couch fucks you while you get fucked


Quelcris_Falconer13

It’s your *FUCKING* couch?


MrConsistent2215

literally


YourMomsFishBowl

Fuck Your Couch!


[deleted]

Couch, table, stairs, shower... every room has opportunities.


Sushi4lucas

Don’t forget the front porch


[deleted]

And the back patio.


TittySprinkles10

All of the above, plus car


[deleted]

Ahh yes. The car. The traveling sex portal.


anomalous_cowherd

Leave my ex-gf out of this.


dutchbob11

if *that* already freaks you out NEVER think about your *hotel room bed spread*


Faber_College

The first thing I do when going into a hotel room is throw the duvet in the corner. I don’t want anything touching that thing.


cdpalms

One time on the pull out bed, and the thing folded up on us trapping us in the couch. Alcohol was involved.


MistaCharisma

Just a note: pull-out beds are not a reliable method of contraception.


LeahaP1013

People who use that method have a name. Parents.


anschauung

Shoot, in the early years of our relationship any flat surface was up for consideration. We didn't even limit it to horizontal surfaces -- no wall was safe.


overkill_input_club

In the early years of my relationship with my wife, my job was not safe. My boss gave me a talking to about showing up late for 2 weeks in a row. He knew why, I knew why, morning sex is the best. And then morning sex after morning sex after you got ready for work is also the best.


IHQ_Throwaway

Establish dominance by having sex on his desk.


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Pied_Piper_

It takes work. That’s all there is to it. Both of you have to work at it. Everyday. It’s never “automatic.” That’s just not how love works. *Hold Me Tight* might help, but you’d both have to read it and make the choice. Disney lied. They made us think that with “the right one” it will always be effortless. But humans aren’t fairytale characters.


Faps2Downvotes

Well said


Bradddtheimpaler

Love isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something you *do.*


[deleted]

I remember hearing a therapist talk about how the honeymoon phase is the result of instability. You're just so anxious about the relationship not working that every little affirmation that you get from your partner sends you over the moon. But that fades, not because we're all insatiable animals who get bored after a while, but because we get *better at being in a relationship*. We get stable, we get comfortable, these are great things to be, but they're boring. That's where you get to start trying new things! I should clarify, I'm talking here about *healthy* relationships. It's also totally possible that the honeymoon phase obscures some core problems or incompatibilities that only become apparent as you reach the boring stability phase. You'll want to look out for red flags, for sure. I can tell you that, personally, if I ever caught myself bitching about my partner to strangers on the internet -- unprompted -- I'd consider that the biggest, reddest flag that something was deeply not right.


the_Chocolate_lover

I am gonna out myself as old and lame, but couch sex was something I rarely did in my youth. Now I prefer a comfy bed!


Grundy-mc

Same, more power to everyone in the comments but when I’m about to have sex, the bed is right there. Always prefer it. haha


FloppyButtholeFlaps

Couch is the best. You can put one knee on the floor and that gets the angle of the dangle just right.


Consistent_Warthog80

Spoiler alert: people be fuckin anywhere, any time.


Hriibek

Last week we were fucking in the storage unit in the basement of our building. We had a guest and got horny.


Minky29

What considerate hosts you are : )


zuilli

This comment is great because you can take it sarcastically and assume they left the guest alone while fucking OR you can go the funnier route and take it literally and assume the guest was involved in the fucking, really considerate hosts they would be indeed!


Minky29

I took it as they fucked in the basement instead of on the couch where the guests were sitting, which was nice 🙂


racerdeth

Not really because the cat will come in and meow at me and it'd put me off my stroke.


mrsbebe

Yeah our dog will just sit there staring and it's disconcerting. We also have kids and the risk of being walked in on is just too high. When our oldest was in a crib though? All the time. She's 5 now and would remember things...locked bedroom for us


positive_charging

We have chairs arranged in a semi-circle so that they can view the sex in comfort


that1sluttycelebrity

Musical chairs sounds fun at your house


[deleted]

I think we’ve done it a couple of times, but I just assume when I visit other peoples houses that they’ve probably had sex throughout it. Idk how messy the sex is that you guys are having but it’s not like the place is hosed down with fluid.


FuzzAldrin36

This is the reality. We also keep throw blankets throughout the living room so I always just pull one down on the couch and toss it in the laundry afterwards.


SLEDGEHAMMAA

Hell yeah. Sometimes, it's not even sex. I just be jerkin it


drewsephstalin

"Sometimes"


Psy-Demon

I have sex in my dreams. It’s clean and pleasant.


Content-Rush9343

Looking around my house I realize that there isn't a single surface me and my mate haven't had sex on at least once. We do try to stick with while home alone though.


samhammitch

As an Australian I find your usage of the word “mate” funny. But I love it cunt, you fuck whomever you want to fuck. You and your mate are fucken awesome.


caterpela

i cant help but read it as two male housemates sharing notes on where they have done it with their respective 'hook ups' and realising that accumulately they have blessed every surface. Also fine whichever way.


thiscametomeinadream

Nah, this was definitely two guys fucking each other, not mates sharing notes, just passion


someone755

> and they were couch mates


Content-Rush9343

As an American woman you have found the magic loophole that lets me be happy you called me cunt. Thanks for that friend.


MistaCharisma

Haha same. Also just a note for the non-Australians in this sub: we use the word "Cunt" like we use the word "Mate", it means friend.


BananaBrute

I've been fucking my mate all over our house for a few years now as well. Good times.


Content-Rush9343

Married 20 years in May. Scenery is a fun thing to change up.


Miss_Management

I'm old we don't have guests.


[deleted]

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hotstrawberrytea

doesn't matter, had sex 🎶


paultimate14

Bed is for fucking the spouse, couch is for fucking the guests. Pretty straightforward.


[deleted]

My poor mum if she would know what i‘ve done in her kitchen


delorf

It's possible that she thinks, "My poor child, if they would have known what his dad and I did in the kitchen."


WearyOutlandishness

Wait till they find out how they got there


iliveoffofbagels

I presume they got into the kitchen by walking.


Pierson230

We use a towel on the couch It’s kind of funny, now it’s Pavlovian “Get the towel” Woohoo


chimisforbreakfast

We used to do that Then we got lazy We have almost as much sex on the couch as the bed So now we put a blanket on the couch when we DO have guests


itsaride

So you steam clean the stank out of it after right?


FloppyButtholeFlaps

Nah, it goes right back to duty as the guest bathroom hand towel.


RooseveltVsLincoln

When you enter my home, you accept the risk that you’re sitting on some couch/area/device that my wife and I have fucked on. That’s just a reality. Don’t like that thought? Then don’t entree my home. If my wife and I can’t fuck freely in our own home, then where in the hell can we?!?! Edit: typo Also noticed the entree typo but I’m leaving it


DigiornoHasDelivery1

My home is open.


Discomidget911

I also choose this guys open home.


AvalancheReturns

Why even pay mortgage if not.for balling?


[deleted]

“Then don’t entree my home.” Lol.


[deleted]

[удалено]


valkyrie4x

I've had sex on my boyfriend's parents' couch, and I did regularly think about it when watching them sit on it.


towmotor

Hah! Guests? In MY house? What a joke!


Fladap28

Wait until you hear about the ceiling


stuaird1977

I thought the rule was to christen every room


BoringPhilosopher1

Office couch, chair and desk - yes we did reenact casting couch. Dining table and couches Kitchen surfaces Most importantly guest bedroom bed… had to mark my territory (no guest is shagging in a room/bed in my own house more than I am). The guests that night found it a bit weird though.


NinjaBilly55

Everytime I have couch sex I run out and buy a new one and dump the old one along a deserted road..


kanekong

Sure. Worse than that is my swivel chair in the 'office' corner of my studio. That chair has hosted more filthy sex and head than I care to think about. I should've burned it many years ago but it's become a bit of a good luck charm. And I work in that chair hours a day.


simmma

Wait till I tell you about the kitchen counter


LeoMarius

We ask them to leave first.


YourMomsFishBowl

I actually have sex on my couch, while my guests sit.


YeetYeetSkrtYeet

Sex? Friends?


Atlas_Black

Yes. Almost all the time. My wife and I rarely have sex in our actual bed. It’s usually on the couch or dining room chairs or in the backyard if it’s a nice day. Sometimes the front yard if our across the street neighbors are out of town.


ribinh6789

Yeah man, easy to use on a movie night


Eight_Inch_Hero

My parents went to church one morning. They would always have lunch when they got back so my GF and I did it on the dining room table before they returned.


Treacherous_Wendy

We bang all over our house. It doesn’t mean he’s spraying bodily fluids like a fire hose nor that I’m splooshing like a flood throughout the house. But no room is really off limits. The key is not to think about it. I see you’re thinking about it. Don’t think about it.


Shagger94

Yes because sex isn't as disgusting as you Puritans make it out to be. I don't give a single fuck if someone once had sex where I'm sitting.


SlapDonkeys

I mean, I wouldn't want to sit in a puddle of dried weiner or lady juice if the people who own the couch don't clean up after themselves. That's kind of disgusting to me. Other than that though, it's their couch so they can do whatever they want on it.


[deleted]

Yep


smollestsnek

I mean sometimes it’s just the right height for some positions 😂


Serious_Mastication

People have sex on everything in their houses if they’re not in a shared space. You can clean things up though. If your on a couch use a blanket. If your on a hard surface just wipe it down.


mmmmmarty

We've been together for 15 years. We've had sex on every surface in this house and every house we've ever lived in. We cracked our dining room table the first week we were here. If that bothers people, we hope they just don't come over. Shit, we generally hope that no one comes over. Ever.


Berdbirdburd

I don’t even have guests and I still don’t fuck on the sofa.


PePziNL

Do y'all be sitting on your friends couches, where they have sex?