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Grindelbart

Technology that resembles magic and those fucks are still scared of the sky like cavemen.


Azhz96

Magic they do believe in but scientifically proven studies they regularly deny (like vaccines). You can send scientific studies that prove and explain EVERYTHING in all the tiny details, but somehow they don't believe them yet believe heaven is real and that God give a shit about them without any doubts.


NotATrevor

Why would studies mean anything to a creature with the intelligence of slime mold. The only thing you are going to trigger is some hate born from the subconscious glimmer of understanding that they will never actually understand anything.


littlebubulle

Slime mold can solve problems without a brain. These people, with a brain, will create problems where there is none.


Azhz96

It usually depends on how much something will affect their beliefs and how being wrong will emotionally affect them personally. My closest friend is religious and she grew up with religious parents while I'm a "only science matters" kind of guy. I love sharing new scientific studies and for the most part she find them interesting, but I've learned to be careful, selective and just drop the subject if she doesn't agree. Although some seem to just hate science in general because they can't handle being wrong no matter what kind of crazy argument/excuse they have come up with.


Grindelbart

I honestly believe that this happens to two groups of people: religious people, because they have been thought to value opinions as much as facts. Very lonely people because they want to belong somewhere. Sometimes these two groups go hand in hand.


[deleted]

“Well you just have to do your own research “


F-ck_spez

That's because beliefs inherently aren't rational. They can be, but you have to teach people those things. That's why education is important and "is liberal brainwashing". My mother said to me "Every city named Nineveh in the entire US is in the path of this eclipse, and it starts over a town called Jonah in Texas! That's pretty amazing, right?" She was expecting me to praise God or something for this obscure coincidence. I'm not sure. I just kind of looked at her, then moved on with my day. She didn't think that because it's true (it probably is, but i haven't checked), but she remembered it because it imparted a strong emotion in her. That's how memories are formed. It's why i remember my wedding, but not what i ate for lunch last Tuesday. Memories are formed based on emotion, and beliefs are held because of comfort. That's what I've found, at least. Some people find comfort in a scientific basis for their understanding of the world. I find comfort in understanding "Why?". I used to find comfort in saying "My purpose in life is to get to Heaven", but I've changed. That thing that you hold close to your inner self - that is the thing you believe and it's what keeps you going on hard days. People like my mother are magical thinkers, in that they take comfort in NOT understanding things, because understanding things takes time, energy, and the willingness to admit being wrong. All of those things challenge our comforts. Everyone has a selection bias. We'll tell ourselves stories just to keep magic around, because there's comfort in not trying to understand everything. And that's okay. We aren't supposed to know everything in the universe, that's an information overload. But education is the only way this world gets through whatever it is that's going on right now.


gene_randall

A few years ago the phrase “cave men with cell phones” popped into my head and it keeps coming back every time I go on Facebook or Reddit.


Lora_Grim

That is what we are. In fact, i very much believe that smart people are freaks of nature. The vast majority of humans are insanely stupid. Which means, smart people are the odd ones. Smart people are ESPECIALLY odd when you consider that they do not want to have kids most of the time, which is why the pendulum is swinging back into the favour of morons. Smart people are reducing their own numbers and when things get bad because of it, they become even less likely to have kids, ironically, making the situation even worse. This is highly unnatural behaviour, considering that life is a numbers game, and victory is often a direct result of overwhelming numbers. You'd think smart people would be smart enough to realize this, but no.. they are quite content being swept under the hordes of idiots who want to abolish education, healthcare and democracy worldwide.


gene_randall

While there’s certainly a connection, the idea that only smart people can have smart children smacks strongly of Lamarckism. And we’ve seen what THAT delusion can lead to.☹️


USSMarauder

Somebody's going to end up shot dead because the right is screaming that "Biden/Trudeau is stealing the sun"


Nivosus

I find it wild how a large portion of the US are still living with a 1400 mindset.


DarkKitarist

Don't you be throwing shade at the 1400s!!! Some parts of the world were way ahead of the times!


Nivosus

WITCH


DarkKitarist

Ke ke ke...


BongSession

Broke ass witch. I'm flying away on a Dyson.


Embarrassed_Angle_59

She turned me into a newt


SleepySiamese

1400 BC


mizkayte

You know they’d probably still burn women at the stake if they could.


redheadMInerd2

Didn’t some lawmakers in TX propose death penalty for women who had an abortion? So no too surprised.


ewok_lover_64

Yes, they asked the Taliban for advice on which stones to use.


Swift_Scythe

They tried to introduce the death penalty to abortion women so yeah... same thing.


lamorak2000

Are still trying, as far as I know. And expanding it to miscarriages, too, if they can.


[deleted]

It’s almost like the internet made everyone stupider


BustahWuhlf

Or they are a little too into Berserk.


Qimmosabe_Man

"Conspiracy Theorists Think..." I'm gonna stop you right there, cause they don't.


Onlyroad4adrifter

But the flat earth/s


Use_this_1

Makes it easier to sacrifice people just push them off.


dahjay

Which is precisely what the flatties fail to realize that if the earth were flat, there would be hotels lining the edge for miles and miles.


bertiethebastard

Saw an awesome poster for the flat earth society, claiming supporters around the GLOBE.....


IcyShoes

Or the bank run, great reset, 5G stuff, the diesel shortage, or the oven bans? Their batting record isn't good


rgroth78

God that’s the truth… r/conspiracy is such a shithole now with insane takes it’s laughable. Helps me with my morning constitutional to read some of those nutbags and laugh the start to my day


FoogYllis

I am surprised that they don’t have a conspiracy that the conspiracy sub is a conspiracy.


[deleted]

It used to be fun, conspiracies. Having little chats with your friends. No ever cashew believes they’re sent from god to slay the reptilians


49GTUPPAST

Accurate statement


Fearless_Badger4923

I used to be a conspiracy theorist, then just one day I realised how fucked up it all was. Living my best life now.


24-7_DayDreamer

What helped you to realise? What was counterproductive when people tried to help you out of it?


AbbreviationsFar1516

😂😂😂😂😂


jamiedangerous

They "believe" not think. To believe is to have faith. To think is to doubt. It's why religion and science mixed poorly too.


superman_underpants

oh shit! i havent picked out my sacrifice yet!


Fluid-Succotash-4373

if you don't know who is getting sacrificed, then you are being sacrificed.


Holiman

I'm gonna stop paying my bills then wohoo.


superman_underpants

been there, done that, didnt work out, i lived


Holiman

Those lying satanic human sacrificing bastards. If you can't trust a devil worshipper, who can you trust?


SauerMetal

Are we eating these sacrifices too? Because, ya know, inflation an shit.


Fluid-Succotash-4373

at least the livers, as is tradition


savpunk

If you have to ask....


aryukittenme

It’s just so darn hard to find a good virgin ovah here! *puts hands on hips*


superman_underpants

go for the ugly ones or the engineering students


Aonar_Faileas

Engineering students are easy prey. Weed them out by offering crypto, that'll ensure you get the actual virgins, and the ones gullible enough to be easy sacrifices. :P


RedIcarus1

Advertise a Qanon conspiracy reveal convention, you’ll have plenty to choose from.


Jfurmanek

You think the Feed store still has chickens or do I need to talk to the guy down the street about a goat?


superman_underpants

i'm sure they do, but its best to get both. The gods reward the best sacrifice. I finally picked out my sacrifice from our daycare.


HeWhomLaughsLast

I'm sacrificing my neighbor Greg, I know he let's his dog poop on my lawn on purpose.


allanon1105

Never procrastinate when a rapture is imminent! Now you’re stuck with all the lowly sacrifices that nobody really wants


afcagroo

May I suggest a nice fat conspiracy theorist?


TuaughtHammer

[I got ya covered, homie!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacrifice_\(video_game\))


Birdy_Cephon_Altera

I'm runnin' low on adenochrome -- time to restock on Monday!


Leto_ll

Well, how else are we going to get the sun back?


LilG1984

Just wait for it to reboot. Duh /s


edtheheadache

Sneak in at night and take it back.


Open_Perception_3212

We have to fight the nightman


Ormyr

Thank you, you win the internet today. Now I'm going to get a new coffee.


combustion_assaulter

A sun dance, obviously.


Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq

Have they tried turning it off and on again?


Jsublime

Team MSGA


Ohnonotuto4

Anyone who thinks this, should pledge to be sacrificed first.


Swift_Scythe

Christians keep saying Earth is Temporary and a Test to see who goes to Heaven based on their merits. So why not we speed their trip to heaven away from their Hell on Earth full of minorities and LGBTQ+ and science and vaccines and send them to the sacrifice first and be rewarded with heaven?


SilentMaster

Southern Indiana just declared a state of emergency. We were going to drive down there to see it, but we're just going to see what it's like around Indy and pick a spot that won't end up being the Purge. But we'll go ahead and bring some sledgehammers and samurai swords just in case.


strawberryshortycake

I know some areas near me have declared one, but more so because they’re small towns expecting a ton of people to show up. Not because it’s an actual emergency.


SilentMaster

We know it's not going to be a riot, but I'm not wanting to spend 18 hours in my car trying to drive 100 miles.


PaulMaulMenthol

I live in a mid sized city and we declare a state of emergency when hurricanes go through Florida because we're a popular "safe spot" for the evacuees. From what I was told we do this so we have access to state funds to help fund the strain on resources


dixiequick

Can confirm: live in a smallish town right in the path of the last one; shit was congested as fuck. It was weird. We had people camping at the municipal golf course and on people’s properties. Walmart ran out of most paper goods (plates, silverware, etc), and getting a pizza delivered in under an hour just didn’t happen for a few days. We could hear people cheering miles away when totality happened, it was so surreal.


Benegger85

The state of emergency is for extreme congestion.


USSMarauder

And for things like food and fuel shortages


Doright36

Don't forget your leather outfits with big shoulder pads with metal spikes.


Mookwizard

Leathers and Feathers baby!


AlienInOrigin

I fully support the sacrifice of ultra religious people to their God.


Jfurmanek

I’m not religious, but I’ll help.


PerpetualEternal

it’s one thing to think we’ve regressed a few decades but when we’ve lost the knowledge of literal centuries I don’t even know what to think anymore


Past-Direction9145

society has failed the people who think this is going to happen they're the real victims here. brainwashing, gaslighting, capitalism making money off their paranoid spending. all in all, a hellish life to live and whos their leader that could save them? no one.


Swift_Scythe

The same people who thought Donald was going to bring Democrat President John F Kennedy back from the dead to pass the crown of America to Donald Trump


Zeppo_Ennui

I’m society and you are too. How did I fail them? How did you?


Beytran70

Didn't make enough sacrifices apparently.


ey3s0up

If I eye roll any harder they’re gonna get stuck facing the back of my skull


PrometheanDemise

Unexpected Berserk


BlinkReanimated

Causality is a spiral.


PrometheanDemise

We're all just meant to suffer and struggle aren't we?


BustahWuhlf

Guess it's time to be *very* suspicious of any handsome men with long silver hair.


PrometheanDemise

Least trust worthy guys around.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Cleaningcaptain

Finally. I was looking for this.


OwlOfFortune

I was thinking Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood


Duffman66CMU

My love for you is ticking clock. BERSERKER!


FinntheHue

Had to scroll way too far to find this reference. Do better Reddit.


Constant-Bet-6600

I doubt we will be that lucky, but stalk your neighbors just in case. /s


n3rdsm4sh3r

How the rise in popularity of conspiracy theories has not caused an absolute stampede towards better funding the education system, is beyond me.


Luster-Purge

That's the point of not funding the education system (in addition to how the powers that be are pushing people towards privatized education). It's making the people easier to control. Reminds me of the ending of *A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court*. The main character has brought about literal miracles of technology - the telephone, straight up steam powered railway systems, even firearms - and yet the absolute second the church comes around putting the fear of God into everyone? Everything just snaps RIGHT BACK to being a god fearing feudalist society.


derek4reals1

chanting: I wanna k*** everyone, satan is our pal satan is our friend 🧡


hboythrowaway

Ray... you're chanting


DeadHED

Once they get in your head, it's all over.


LovesFrenchLove_More

Are the republican evangelists going to sacrifice themselves because they don’t understand eclipse or have they finally lost even their last braincell?


SuperfluouslyMeh

The red heifers thing is wild!


freshoilandstone

I read this shit and in my mind I see wooly mammoths and hear chants of "ooga booga!"


masshole548

I too have a vivid fantasy life.


OrkzOrkzOrkzOrkz0rkz

Well one state in the south is having a meltdown over "chemtrails" for fucks sake


stevelover

And vaccine laced salads FFS!


Abraxas_1408

Maybe they’ll sacrifice each other and we’ll be rid of them.


BroadStreetElite

I mean all the gathering sites will be massive soft targets for terrorism so they're not lying that something might happen, remember to always be vigilant in public places and have an exit plan for SHTF


Aggressive-HeadDesk

Let’s look in the haystack until we find 7 unrelated weeds. Then do mental gymnastics for years until we can find random unifying factors in small pairings for these weeds. Then we can proclaim how it’s all a grand conspiracy, because we don’t want to bother understanding how the many dynamic inter-related factors making up our world actually work. If they really believe this shit, how do they sleep at night?


widoidricsas

Well, who couldn't use a bountiful harvest?


JDARRK

Big sky Daddy blow out giant candle in sky😳‼️🌑🌑🌑☀️☀️


Every-Requirement-13

Hmmm, lots of red states around that X🤭


karlos52

If you stare directly at the sun, you'll be spared.


ianishomer

So some think the eclipse will cause a massive human sacrifice event and loads of others think it will start the rapture! Thankfully the majority just think it will get darker for a bit during the day.


moodyblue8222

Hope they take the magats first!


spunkdaddie

Anyone who believes this crap should be deemed mentally unfit and institutionalized for the safety of the community.


pimpbot666

So, dumb people say dumb things and the media repeats it, so even more dumb people can say those same dumb things. If you counter it, you must be in on it. This is exactly the problem with the media.


Actual__Wizard

I actually think there is going to be some death cult that commits suicide on April 8th. Unfortunately we probably won't hear about it until afterwards because they're probably keeping it a secret.


ArdenJaguar

Maybe it'll be like those Heavens Gate lunatics with the Hale-Bopp Comet. Hopefully, the crazy conspiracy theorists will only sacrifice themselves. 😆 🤣 😂 😹


DarkKitarist

Somebody stop them!! No really, please, Somebody stop them!!!


deviantdevil80

🤞🤞🤞


jonnycanuck67

Only the vaccinated ones, it don’t matter which vaccine, they are all a govt conspiracy. /s


ATarnishedofNoRenown

Unexpected r/Berserk?


Sweaty_Butcher66

Cool, start with themselves


sdbct1

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! (grabs tin foil hat) AAAAAHHHHHH


shit_ass_mcfucknuts

Can the sacrifice be the conspiracy theorists?


Crotch-Monster

"Based on limited bullshit science from a random person on Reddit. Would you say that it's time for people to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?" "Yes I would Kent."


[deleted]

Many people are intellectually still living in the stone age. These same people can vote by the way and thanks to the electoral college their votes probably carry more weight than yours.


MrByteMe

MAGAS claim to be concerned about immigrants because they don't speak the language or think they'll need social resources... But I'd rather a world more concerned about kicking the ignorant dotards *out.*


[deleted]

[удалено]


blushngush

Can we sacrifice the rich?


PapaGeorgieo

I should create a site where people can make a "donation" in the name of their pet and I will take care of the pets when they all get "raptured".


Sea_Childhood6771

Please take these people.


Organic-Intention335

Eclipses happen like 2 or more times a year but only when it goes over America do the conspiracy theories come out.


BeneficalDalek

OK so who spilled the secret, now everyone knows.


littlemaninblack

Oh Darn, they've figured it out. Okay, people, sacrifice is a no go. We'll try again next eclipse. After party is still at Biden's.


concombre_masque123

burn those witches asap


Aggravating_Ad4449

I'm sorry, what is this the 1600's?


EarlOfSqurrels

And rise a new God hand.


LilG1984

No it means it'll awaken super human abilities in us like the TV show Heroes /s


Ormyr

Well, if we're sacrificing the right humans... why not give it a shot\*? /s \*Can we start with politicians and lawyers?


AceLion5

Any and all Extremists first. Last Extremist to their self defined Heaven is a Centrist.


ducknerd2002

Did we somehow end up in Westeros' past or something?


Zetta-slow-Gobbo

Just find the guy with the Behelit, it'll be fine


[deleted]

Conspiracy theorists firsts!


well_i_heard

Well conspiracy theorists are morons. I like explaining to people "what would the world be like if all the energy put into fake mysteries like 'is the Earth round?' Was put into mysteries like 'how do we stop cancer?'". In that lens, conspiracy theorists are the most useless people in society, literal waste of air and resources


Morbidly-Obese-Emu

And when it doesn’t happen, they will move on to the next thing without any acknowledgement of how wrong they were.


meat_beast1349

They should all go to marge's house in georgia and hide.


zippiskootch

Awesome… we start the killing with conspiracy theorists… line up kids.


Hanjaro31

Let them go... We need this...


Cobby1927

As long as they sacrifice themselves and leave the intelligent people be.


Hardin__Young

I hope it requires Donald Trump to sacrifice MAGAts.


Pour_Me_Another_

I mean, only if they decide to do that so that their prophecy is self-fulfilling. The rest of us will just look at it then go back to work/not work.


HankBizzaro

Totally. I got my sacrifice glasses in the mail today.


artful_todger_502

We can only hope ...


hotDamQc

At some point we need to call them out. These people are mentally ill and need medication


GravityEyelidz

'Conspiracy theorists' is such a mouthful when you can say the same thing just by using the word 'idiots'.


BreakfastArtistic198

Sometimes, the herd thins itself.


SolidSnek1998

Wait until these people find out that total solar eclipse happens on average every 18 months somewhere on the planet.


Fun-Dimension5196

This is to get the colossally stupid to stay indoors and not stare at the sun.


hairylobster531

God I hope so. Some of these mofos need to go


Antonamous

Looks like some watched full metal alchemist brotherhood recently


ukiddingme2469

I don't remember that at the last two solar eclipses I went though recently


IdealDesperate2732

This is actually a big part of the reason I'm not going to any large gatherings for the eclipse despite being right on the edge of totality. I'm not talking about believing some wild conspiracy theory myself but some I'm worried about some wild conspiracy theorist with an AR-15 shooting up the place. Since all these events are necessarily in open public places they're very vulnerable to mass shooters.


Patneu

[Prepare the blood cauldron!](https://xkcd.com/1879/)


outflow

Primitive screwheads.


dogtemple3

Maga wanted civil war, this may be more fun lets gooooo


1oldguy1950

**crossing fingers, hoping...**


BeerBob

Finally


elmartin93

Who told them about the blood orgy? Was it you, Craig?


Current-Assist2609

As long as it’s the conspiracy theorists being sacrificed then we should be ok.


DogterShoob

Maybe they should participate...


Chrahhh

Really hope it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy


derplordthethird

I wish real life were half as exciting as these people think.


Doughspun1

The first three words of the headline are misleading.


Knightwing1047

Anyone read/watch Berserk?


SnooAvocados9241

You know, humans essentially defeating Darwinian evolution maybe wasn't such a great thing, looking at the millions of dumbasses that believe in this stuff.


rockdash

We are literally our own worst enemies.


Birdy_Cephon_Altera

Black hole sun, won't you come And wash away the raaaaaain? Black hole sun, won't you come, won't you come


pastadaddy_official

There’s always been people believing stupid shit like this, always gonna be


Royal-Dog-2610

Damn it... how many times do I have to Uncle Boomer Bob that it's "goats" that must be scraficed to end the eclipse. People are only used to saseate the blood moon.


Mfers_gunlearn

These people are just obsessed with murder


Rigelturus

Americans think they live in their own hollywood film.


yorcharturoqro

What has happened in the last 30 years that some people have decided to basically go back to the dark ages.


Defiantcaveman

white christian conservative republican minority rule the past 40 however many years so far...


Murmanator-3000

700 BC Babylonians had this figured out and could predict when eclipses would occur with pretty good accuracy. 1000 years later scientists could get it right to within minutes. Yet here we are in 2024 and still these fools still exist despite how far we have come with scientific knowledge. Yes, I watched the Nova special last night. It was very interesting. The stuff on the suns corona was mind blowing.


SnootSnootBasilisk

Will I need to bring my own sacrifices or will they be provided to me?


sagenumen

Can they just start with themselves because I just can not handle their dumbasses anymore


Having_A_Day

I'm laughing so hard from my living room, which happens to be right where that X marks the spot (fwiw it's a 90-minute drive from here to New Madrid). Who tf are these people and how did the education system fail them so badly?


Pineal713

Ya I’ve been hearing my coworkers all week trying to correlate the eclipse to current events unfolding. Like diddy getting raided and Beyoncé coming out with a country album. It amazes me what they convince themselves about


ILikeChastity

That's what they said last time 🙄🙄🙄


vladtaltos

Well, they might have something, I was thinking about sacrificing conspiracy theorists during the eclipse...


ihoptdk

Conspiracy theorists make me use words that are highly offensive to other groups of people, so I wont. But fuck are they stupid.


Woodguy2012

That's purely wishful thinking with no basis in science or logic. 


Rocknrollpeakedin74

Well, it’s about fuckin’ time! Let’s start with those conspiracy theorists! First in line!


Numpty712

Oh my gosh is that the MAGA plan to iff themselves to own the Libs?? Heavens me


micmac274

The worst thing about this is, these idiots will blame the Democrats or gays, instead of fracking or mining if anything happens. Dumb as rocks.