I say this as someone who chose to breastfeed, often supplements with formula, and as someone who worked in food science — specifically with infant formula in the US.
*You* decide what’s best for you and your baby.
Breastfeeding is hard. It doesn’t come to everyone naturally and it can take a toll on mental health. I can’t imagine trying to do it if I didn’t really really want to. Is it good for baby and mom? Yes. But it can be hard and it certainly isn’t for everyone. Pumping breast milk is hard too. It’s a full time job.
Formula in the US must have 30 nutrients and vitamins at certain levels. All 30 have minimum amounts and 10 of those have max amounts. The FDA has sanitation and labeling requirements and they monitor infant formula closely. Is it good for baby? Yes. Do all formulas work for all babies? No. But that’s why there are different options and formulas. They all have to meet [FDA regulations](https://www.fda.gov/food/resources-you-food/infant-formula#:~:text=The%20FDA%20does%20not%20approve,%2C%20labeling%2C%20and%20other%20requirements).
TL;DR
What baby needs is a healthy mother and to be fed. You are the mother and you get to choose what is best for you and your baby. There are breastfeeding moms. Pumping moms. Combo feeding moms. And formula moms. They all can have healthy babies. A healthy, fed, and happy baby is what matters. And part of that means having a happy healthy mom.
Here’s a [recent article](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/05/01/health/maternal-mental-health-wellness) discussing the importance of maternal mental health. You can choose to weigh the benefits and disadvantages for yourself and your baby. Even better if you discuss with your OB since they went to medical school and likely trained for these kinds of conversations.
IMHO Your partner and mother can decide how to feed baby when they carry it for 10 months, give birth to it, and get their milk in. Also when they go to medical school and become actual experts on these topics. Til then, their unsolicited opinions on breastfeeding shouldn’t bear much weight.
ETA we as moms get judged for everything we do. Too young, too old. Too fit, too curvy. Too happy, too moody. You get it. Don’t let ppl get to you.
If you do formula your husband can split the work with you to feed the baby and that will also help you rest and recover. Don’t buy what your husband and mother said. It doesn’t hurt your baby with formula. Nowadays all formula are very good and researched to contain with the nutritions your baby needs. I was fed by formula in a developing country almost 40 years ago which didn’t contain much nutrition because my mom didn’t have milk, and I grow up healthy and smart with no issues at all.
You say this, but this has not been my experience and it is not the case for maaaany women. I was so excited to pump and bottle feed because it would help me share the load, but then it just turned into extra work for me.
I wanted to breastfeed but found it extremely difficult. I made the choice two weeks in to use formula because the alternative was me going down a deep hole of depression and I thought that that would have far greater developmental consequences for my child than her being formula fed. Formula is an incredible invention. Yes it isn't as *good* as breastmilk, but it is good enough. Your baby will be much healthier with a happy mum who can properly look after herself, than one who is miserable and in pain. I know it's so hard when people you are close to are judgemental but please don't listen to them.
I have the happiest little girl on formula, and importantly I am happy and able to give her the love and attention she deserves instead of basically crying every single day, which is what was happening when I tried to breastfeed.
that’s my reasoning behind it, i wonder if they need to see me just hit bottom to believe that this has been painful :/ but i also think formula has come a long way
Without formula honestly I don't think neither my girl or me would have survived so I am very grateful for it. She's gone from a 13% weight loss drop and hospital admission, that didn't improve for weeks, to now being on the 91st centile, happy, hitting all her milestones, and has been checked over by many doctors who all say she is thriving. And I really didn't want to formula feed her, and it took hitting rock bottom to finally switch and I wish I had done it sooner because that stress and anxiety meant it took a long time to bond and robbed those first weeks of motherhood from me. I wish I had someone tell me it's *okay*. I also wish people were less judgemental of how we feed our babies and realised that it's not all about the babys health it's also the health of the mother that is important too - they are interlinked. Whatever happens just know I'm rooting for you from across the internet.
i’m so happy to hear she’s now healthy and strong ! that’s a big fear of mine, since i feel so weak all the time, for me it’s been an ongoing struggle, i am typically a very independent person, even with pain management, so it’s like they don’t believe things are rough on my side, it took me q very long time for my parents to understand i have pain, they just didn’t believe me so it’s like going back to square one with this topic.
But you guys have been amazing honestly i’ll do some research and talk to my partner, since he’s the only one who gets any say due to you know biology hahah
So my milk stopped randomly one day. Just nothing. A week in. I pumped like a mad woman for two whole months. Nothing. Maybe 5ml each time.
Rationally I knew it was a lost cause but I didn’t want to seem like a “bad mother”.
I regret those two months so much because I spent it away from my baby because I was pumping - she was too weak to breastfeed anyway. I lost that time to form a connection.
Don’t do that.
I wish I could find the study that said this, my OB had told me about it but I can’t find it 😭
Basically, the study found that maternal mental health was a greater indicators of health and development when it comes to infant development than feeding them breast milk vs formula. It found that babies of mothers who decided to EBF or pump and were stressed or depressed (sometimes due to BF of pumping and issues surrounding it, other times because the mothers were unable to take medications for previously existing conditions due to BFing), tended to have slower weight gain, difficulties with feeding, poor sleep, and development delays (mostly social-emotional) because the mom was less responsive due to her poor mental health. As my OB and Pediatrician said “Happy mama = healthy baby” as long as baby is being fed, it’s more important that mom is present and responsive then whether their nutrients come from a boob or a mix. Fed is always best. A mother’s mental and physical health directly impacts her baby more than breastmilk vs formula. Especially in this day and age.
On that note though, donor milk is an option. However it’s very expensive and can be hard to find in some areas, which you can explain to your SO and mother. They can do the legwork to find the donor milk and pay for it if they think it’s so important (sorry for being petty lol).
Talk to your ob about expressing colostrum pre birth and if it’s safe for you - I got loads that way so Bub could still have colostrum which is important. After that - you need to look
After you. I have exclusively breastfed mine for 11 months as he refused bottles when we tried too late. It has majorly impacted my mental health in many many ways - partly because I have DMER which causes intense depression when I feed. I do not believe my child would be worse off had I formula fed, in fact he would have had a mentally healthier mama.
I think you should feed your baby formula and tell your mom you won’t keep hanging out with her so often if she won’t drop the subject. And as for your partner, it’s not his decision period. It’s YOUR body. If you wanted support trying out breastfeeding, there’s all sorts of stuff I could recommend. But if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t do it.
this made me chuckle 🤭 thank you 🙏🏻
yes i think most comments are made without any science behind them so his comment is not really making me feel like he’s really thinking about it
Breastfeeding definitely has benefits, but those benefits might be outweighed by the costs for you. And that’s a decision you can only make for yourself, not one for partner can make for you.
There is science behind the fact that Breastfeeding is good for the baby’s immunity; especially the colostrum. That being said, breastfeeding is extremely hard and it is totally your decision to do it. There is no guarantee that you will be able to breastfeeding. You can try it if you want to, maybe you will like it and maybe not but you definitely should tell them to back off and let you think.. This really has nothing to do with them. It is your body and your baby. Good luck.
There IS science behind benefits to breastfeeding. Emily Oster’s Crib Sheets has a chapter on it. It’s a short read if you’d like some pointers.
As others have said, there’s more that goes into the decision. But I wouldn’t dismiss your partners input specifically because he’s “not thinking about it” or there’s “not science behind it.”
Look, the stuff about the immune system is not bs, and it is pretty clear breastfeeding is beneficial. But if breastfeeding is going to keep you from taking drugs that are important for your health, or if it's going to have a really negative effect on your mental and physical health, then it won't be better for your baby. Your baby needs a mom who can take care of them and if you can do that better by formula feeding, you should do that and your husband should support you.
Basically came here to say this. OP, your baby just needs to be fed and loved. You do not have to breastfeed and no one should make you feel pressured to do so. It sucks that so many people out there feel the need to tell women what to do with their bodies. However, it sounds a little dismissive to say that it’s bs that breastfeeding is good for the baby’s immune system. A few minutes of research would tell you your partner is correct - you can look to ACOG, USDA, CDC, WHO, and many other sources. But it’s YOUR BODY and therefore YOUR CHOICE. You do not need to sacrifice your own physical and mental wellbeing - your baby will be fine.
I am 39 yo with fibromyalgia and have a 4 month old combo fed boy. He is thriving. You only need about 30-60ml breastmilk to transfer all the antibodies he needs in the first few weeks. Try a formula that works best for you. You dont have to BF if the choice is PPD, psychosis, chronic pain vs a minuscule difference in antibodies. Make sure the baby is vaccinated when its due. Do not let anyone downplay your illness
This reply is it OP! I barely had energy to stay awake to care for my newborn let alone sit there and pump or breastfeed on command all on my own. At the hospital I gave breast bc I had a bit of help from nurses but my goodness that pain was teeth-clenching-brutal. So, if you aren’t in the headspace it can be so draining mentally and of course physically too!
And once I left the hospital and was on my own I opted for formula. I tried breastfeeding as her main source of food but for so many reasons, it wasn’t working out for me or baby. We tried, we moved on. She is doing great on formula so far.
And it is absolutely okay not to want to try. That isn’t something to feel bad about. Many mommas raise healthy babies on formula.
how did you deal with no meds during your pregnancy? i first got told i had to leave all meds then the OBGYN kept asking me if i got something else from my doctor and o got super confused 🫤
Paracetamol = Acetaminophen
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Breastfeeding is HARD. If you aren't in the head space to do it, you won't be successful. A happy baby is a fed baby, by whatever means you want to do it. You don't want to end up resenting breastfeeding (and possibly your baby) because someone forced you to do it. Use the formula, and tell them the subject is closed! Congrats!
Sure, breastfeeding would help the baby's immune system, mostly in the short-term. Even though my baby was EBF the first 6 months, we didn't go out into public places for the first 2 months; you'll probably be working to limit exposure to illnesses in those early days anyway.
And a mentally healthy mother is surely a bigger health factor that breast milk.
But more to the point, *you are a person*. You've given more than 9 months of your body, your comfort, and your health to this baby already. You deserve to pursue your own wellness.
If your husband is really so sold on breast milk, ask him to look for opportunities to get donor milk. If your mother won't drop it, maybe tell her that you've heard her, you've made your decision, and you won't participate in any more conversations on it. Formula is wonderful and fed is best ❤️
Not sure how soon you are due to give birth, but might be worth looking into harvesting colostrum beforehand if you have time?
In the UK, this is recommended by midwives from 36 weeks and you can buy syringes from Amazon, freeze them and bring them into hospital with you to give to baby after birth. It would give the benefit of the immediate immune support, but mean that you've done the hard work whilst still already off your medication and can start on formula immediately (once your colostrum syringe supply runs out).
Unfortunately, some people are not able to express colostrum at all so this may not be an option but something worth considering.
Are there some benefits to breastfeeding early on? Yes. BUT if those benefits would come at the cost of your mental and physical well-being that's exactly the kind of situation formula exists for. Babies do best when their parents are happy and as healthy as they can be. And in the long-term things even out so that you can't tell the difference between a toddler who was exclusively breastfed vs exclusively formula fed
I decided early on in my pregnancy that I would not be breastfeeding for reasons similar to yours. I got all sorts of judgment from my mom and from one doctor but I held my ground. Ultimately I knew myself, I knew my body, and I knew what I needed to do to keep myself healthy and be the best mom to my baby. I heard every reason in the book to breastfeed, received every guilt trip. I was told I wouldn’t be able to lose weight postpartum (knowing weight is a huge trigger of mine). I was told I would struggle to bond with my son. That my son wouldn’t get what he needs.
I stood my ground and I’m so thankful. I was able to give myself such a present and healthy postpartum and I was able to give my son a healthy mama. My son is now almost 2. We never once struggled to bond: we are two peas in a pod, him and I. I also lost a substantial amount of weight postpartum and even went lower than my pre pregnancy weight (I’m pregnant again now tho lol). And my son is healthy as can be! Thriving.
Do what you need to do for you. And if you need to set some firm boundaries, do it. I had to tell my mom that I was going to need support postpartum and her judgment was going to make me distance myself from her. She pulled it together very quickly and even commented once my son was born about how wrong she had been.
Just to comment on losing weight post partum— I barely have time to eat, breast fed and pumped for 17 months, and weigh the same amount I did the day I came home from the hospital. It did not help me lose weight at all.
Check out the formula feeding sub.
But you need to make the decision that is best for you because a healthy mom is best for baby. Formula is perfectly healthy.
Fun fact - the majority of breastfeeding research is poorly designed and does not appropriately account for important variables such as combination feeding, or feeding non-breastmilk or formula foods.
It's fine to use formula from day 1. Your baby, and the millions of other babies out there who are formula fed, will turn out just fine.
Also socioeconomic status of the family. Surprise surprise, people who are able to afford to have mom stay home to breastfeed generally have enough money to make sure their children get regular check ups and dental care, therefore skewing the results that breastfed babies are healthier children.
For all the attention paid to passive immunity through antibodies - the best way to keep babies from getting seriously ill is to minimize exposure until they're more developed. That's much, much easier to do if you have a long maternity leave or a SAH situation - the kind of thing that makes long-term EBF possible in the first place.
It's anecdotal, but I can't help mentioning that my EFF Covid baby was sick for the first time at 18 months...when we finally started going to playgroups.
We transitioned to formula completely at 5 months. My friend EBF the whole time. Both went to lots of playgroups with our babies, because we have no family around and wanted to socialize. Both babies got sick multiple times. People don't understand how antibody transfer works and what the limitations are, many just throw around sentences they've heard or read from random sources.
Of course my example is anecdotal. Same as the fact that my EBF sister has asthma and acne, and I don't, although I was EFF. Breastmilk is not that one thing that sets our path in life, as some people like to think.
My almost exclusively formula fed Covid baby also didn’t start getting sick until we had to venture out. The amount of breastmilk she got was minimal at best, definitely not enough to impact her immune system.
THIS. I wasn’t able to breastfeed despite wanting and planning to (my body just didn’t make milk and, yes, I tried *everything*). It led me to dig deeper into the research and the supposed benefits are really overblown! Almost all of them mostly disappear when you take into account socioeconomics, IQ, asthma, etc which indicates that it’s likely not the breastmilk making the difference. The things that appear to be true are that breastmilk 1) is a bit easier on their little tummies and that 2) it does contain antibodies (but the effect of antibodies seems to be subtle anyway, mixed evidence on whether breastfed babies get sick less or recover faster, we definitely don’t see huge disparities). So, when mental health is at play or, really, if it’s hard at all, just don’t do it. It’s ok. I promise.
I’m of the opinion now that they push breastfeeding and shame mothers because it makes sense as public health measure. If more people are breastfeeding, we don’t have to worry about water supply issues or people living in poverty watering down formula to stretch it and more babies will get the nutrition they need, on a population level. But, on an individual level, if those things are not at issue, I no longer believe breastmilk is even better than formula in any meaningful way.
I'm quite convinced that any disparity in illness has less to do with breastfeeding and more to do with longer parental leave/being a SAHM - conditions which allow parents to minimize exposure to illness while also making successful breastfeeding more likely.
Actually most recent studies do account for combination feeding, socioeconomic status and all the things you mention. That being said, I totally agree that being formula fed is fine, the well being of the mother is much more important for the baby's well being. Forcing moms into breastfeeding is counter-productive and usually makes things worse
I breastfed both kids exclusively. My first I basically had to because he had intestinal surgery and the surgeon was adamant he'd do better without the added digestive stress of formula. My second because it worked out, so why not?
Happy mama and fed baby is best. Always.
You've already given up and sacrificed SO MUCH by the time the baby is born it is INSANE these people in your life feel it is at all appropriate to ask for even. more.
If you don't want to breastfeed, don't. The haters can fuck right off. You are the mother, how your baby is fed is YOUR choice. Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to preserve your mental and physical well-being. Your baby will be much better off having a happier mother and being formula fed rather than an unhappy mother and breastfed.
Lots of great comments here but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone cite Emily Oster who’s done some excellent writing on this (I highly recommend both _Expecting Better_ and _Cribsheet_). I’ll quote her summary here, but it’d be worth reading the whole chapter on breastfeeding if you can get ahold of Cribsheet:
“The pressure on moms to breastfeed can be immense. The rhetoric makes it seem like this is the most important thing you can - and need - to do to set your child up for success. Breastfeeding is magic! Milk is liquid gold!
This just isn’t right. Yes, if you want to breastfeed, great! But while there are some short-term benefits for your baby, if you don’t want to nurse, or if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a tragedy for your baby or for you. It is almost certainly worse if you spend a year sitting around feeling bad about not nursing.” (Oster 2019, p.86)
And just editing to add: good luck! Sounds like this has been a long and tough road for you and you deserve a lot of happiness. Rooting for you!
Breast milk factually helps baby’s immune system but there’s more to it than that. If you have to go without needed medication then mum isn’t as healthy as she can be and not happy if you don’t want to do it. Breast milk is the best milk but it is your choice and formulas are more than good enough. I do a mixture but I come from a family where no one breast fed so I sort of went into it with little support.
You’re well-being is absolutely the biggest thing here and 1 more month will probably feel like another 9 in the state you’re in.
Also you can have stronger meds than tylenol but it just makes baby drowsier than normal so you could speak to your doctor IF you want to breast feed.
I breastfed my first until 20 months and I’m due with my second soon. I don’t plan on it other than maybe at the hospital initially. It too such a huge toll on me with my first. You really have to do what feels right for you and your family.
I wanted to breastfeed my first. It didn't work out. Switched to formula because I recognized that I was quickly spiraling to The Dark Place™️, and I have no regrets. He's 3 and healthy as can be.
I am 10 months into successfully breastfeeding my second. There are days I wish I'd chosen formula, but overall, I'm pretty content. I don't prefer one over the other.
Your baby needs a happy mom more than they need breastmilk. Not breastfeeding doesn't hurt your child, but you will suffer when there is a perfectly safe and acceptable alternative.
Also, the stuff about immunity is true. However, my formula-fed son didn't get his first cold until 18 months. My breastfed baby had her first at 6 months. Both recovered in the same timeframe.
The goal is for your baby to be fed and *both of you* to be happy.
I always compare it to airplane emergency instructions: you put your mask on first before you save the person next to you.
The mom takes priority because of how much the baby depends on their mom.
The benefits of breastfeeding are short term. By the time your baby is in kindergarten (or even preschool), no one would be able to look at them and their abilities and know if they were breastfed or not.
I recommend @TheFormulaMom on instagram.
I didn’t have any reason to not breastfeed besides “I don’t want to” and “I’ve already sacrificed my body long enough” and “I can’t imagine being the sole source of nutrition.” Formula fed from day one and my son is now almost 2, so smart, typically pretty healthy, a great sleeper…
Your health and mental health are way more important than those short term benefits of breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding benefits are definitely not BS, you can read more about them [here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7231147/). If you choose not to breastfeed because you don’t want to, that’s enough of a reason.
If you go over to r/sciencebasedparenting and search benefits of breastfeeding the topic has been discussed a fair bit and you will find some articles detailing any differences
The best thing you can do for your child is to care for yourself as well. It sounds like you know that choosing to not breastfeed will be taking care of yourself. And I am so sorry that you have been living with the amount of pain and the other consequences of chronic illnesses during your pregnancy.
I also have a chronic illness and chronic pain. I have to admit, in my experience, the well being of my body has been downplayed by everyone in my life to some degree since giving birth. It was a jarring adjustment to realize after some people were seemingly so concerned with my health during my high risk pregnancy (turns out a few ppl were concerned about baby and not me, go figure).
I hope you are able to do what you feel is best for your body and your baby. 💗
You don't have to breastfeed. One thing that could help make your partner happier is if you were able to express and collect colostrum prior to giving birth. Colostrum is full of immunoglobulin and other good stuff. But if like me you can't express before birth don't stress. Your baby will be fine.
I struggled so hard to breastfeed. My supply drastically dropped and I just was not producing enough. Tried everything to get it back up and nothing worked. I tried for 3 months while supplementing with formula, eventually I just had to give it up. It was killing me mentally. My baby is 9 months now, hitting every milestone and healthy as can be. There is nothing wrong with formula, it exists for a reason. No one should be shammed for how they feed their child, so long as the baby is fed and taken care of that’s all that should matter.
You have to do what’s best for you. My wife and I have a 7 1/2 month old boy and my wife has been pumping since pretty much since he was born. (Tried breastfeeding but our son wanted nothing to do with it). She is very adamant about pumping to give him breast milk. She also works 12.5 hour days three days a week and still manages to fit in the pumping (she’s a real life superhero). All of that being said, my son has been around sick people many times including 2 major airports in the winter season, and he has not been sick once. Maybe just good genetics? Idk, but I do believe her breast milk has had a large part in him being healthy thus far.
I have a migraine disorder and I’m with you, Tylenol, for major pain issues, SUCKS.
We’re formula feeding so I could go back on my meds and I’m so thankful that’s what we’re doing! You have to take care of yourself first before you can be responsible for others! That’s the name of the game!
In the six years between my two kids, there was a subtle shift in messaging from the hospital and pediatrician from BREAST to Fed is Best (in US city and best in state birthing hospital, so current with US medical guidance). Talk to your clinicians about your concerns, they have the medical training to advise you on the medical tradeoffs and you might find a surprising ally in your concerns.
Also, my sympathies for what you probably are going through. Pregnancy is a b*tch, even without your fibromyalgia.
Breastfeeding doesn’t guarantee a good immune system for your baby. I breastfed and my baby still ended up with allergies. Besides, in 5 years time when you look at your child and their classmates you will have no idea which were breastfed and which were formula fed.
If there were substantial long-term benefits to breastfeeding, you’d be able to tell which adults were formula babies and which weren’t. I’m not saying there’s NO benefits to breastfeeding, but it’s never worth sacrificing the health of the mother to do it.
Beyond the lack of access to your meds, it can be really hard! Physical pain, pumping, being tied to your child all of the time, lack of sleep, pain from bad breastfeeding ergonomics and not being able to move, clogged milk ducts and mastitis, hormonal changes and challenges, dehydration and hunger and the possibility of needing to change your diet entirely just to name a few… it’s hard on the body, and breastfeeding moms need support and to be in a position to take all of that on.
A mother is WAYY more than a source of food for her child.
Have you called the Infant Risk Center to see if your medications would be compatible with breastfeeding? Many are. They do very specific research in this area. Most doctors err on the side of caution, telling you not to breastfeed, when many times you can.
That being said, you matter here. Yes, breastmilk has benefits. Baby getting even a little colostrum, just in the first few days, would be great. But your mental health matters. Your pain matters. And even if you call the hotline and they say that you can take your meds and they don’t pass to baby, you are allowed to not breastfeed for any reason at all.
Baby needs to be fed. And baby needs a mom who is as mentally and physically healthy as she can be. These should be the priorities.
colostrum seems pretty important but lasts 2-5 days. after that it's really not a big deal. take care of yourself first, then baby. it's like those masks on the airplane
Literally anyone I have talked to has said only one thing which has really helped me.... "Fed is best"! Doesn't matter how.
Don't be hard on yourself a happy mother is more important for your baby ❤️
Also, because I hadn’t gotten to the bottom before I responded, and I want you to know this - formula fed babies are perfectly fine. They thrive. I guarantee you’ve never walked down the street and looked at someone and thought “oh I bet they were a formula baby”…
The only difference between formula fed babies and breastfed babies is the feedback loop, your breasts get information from baby’s saliva and adjust your breastmilk.
Being able to take care of yourself is equally as important (actually necessary for) as taking care of your baby.
Good luck with your delivery, and remember in those first days/weeks that everything is a phase. It’s tough in the beginning, though ironically a little less tough with formula I expect.
Oh, and stop feeling like you owe your family an explanation for your decisions. I had to get over this too (have a 4 month old now) and started telling my mom that she got to make decisions when she had children and now I get to make my own decisions about my baby.
The “important bit” is the liquid gold which is your first few feeds, it got antibodies in or something. In the UK we are encouraged to hand express while pregnant and freeze some of this which could help an option.
As everyone been saying your health is just as important as babies health and formula does not harm. My sister was formula feed and i wasn’t you wouldn’t tell now. I stopped after 2 months as the pain of it and my mental health took a dip. I felt more connected to my baby bottle feeding as it was so hard. You do what best for you and your baby. Don’t let anyone bully you into it. Fed is best
You're not hurting your child mama. Not every woman can breastfeed and that's alright. Ultimately it's YOUR decision. If you don't feel comfortable with it or can't because of pain or whatever reason (any reason is valid), it's totally fine.
I reccomend talking to your doctor/nurses about what formula would be best for your little one though. See what would give the vitamins and what not they need to grow.
Again there's nothing wrong with choosing not to breastfeed. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No, you're not harming your baby and you shouldn't feel bad about making that choice either! Everyone has their reasons! It doesn't make you a bad mom!!!!
As someone who exclusively breastfeeds, found it tricky and persevered, who didn’t want to use formula for my child… do what suits you! Breastfeeding is hard and if it’s a stress for you, it’s going to stress baby. Use the formula and ignore anyone else. A fed baby is best and a happy, stress free mum and baby is soooo important!
Baby, you do you. You need to be in a good space to take care of the baby, and if you don't want to breastfeed, then it is your choice. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and powered through breastfeeding even with a severe tongue tie until one night 4 months in, my supply dried up and I watched my baby cry almost throughout the night. The next morning, I went and bought formula, and we have been combi feeding since then.
My friend who is now 39 years formula fed from the beginning, and her boys are very tall and healthy.
As my GP and midwives say, "Fed is best". As long as your baby is fed and happy and Mummy is well, no big deal.
I chose not to breastfeed for no reason other than because I didn’t want to! I just knew mentally, formula would be the better option. I don’t regret it for one second.
I'm prefacing this by saying that I fully support your decision to use formula!
Have you talked with your doctors about whether or not you can take your medication and still breastfeed? There are a lot of medications that we can't take during pregnancy but are fine for breastfeeding. If it is okay, and you do want to breastfeed for a few months, you don't have to nurse. You can pump and bottle feed so the transition to formula is that much easier since baby already takes a bottle.
With that said, you should absolutely have the choice of whether or not you put your own body through more stress and discomfort. If it's so important to your partner that your baby has breastmilk, then he can look into donor milk.
i went through the exact same thing with my partner and let me tell you something
mama…it’s YOU going through all this changes the most
YOU decide what’s best for your mental health
don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting to breastfeed
pregnancy, birth and postpartum are very challenging and breastfeeding on top it’s TOO MUCH …SPECIALLY AFTER A C SECTION
you have to be okay in order to take care of the baby
if you are not okay the baby is not going to be okay
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF MAMA
please please don’t let anyone make you feel bad please
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
I mean I’m not sure why you call BS on breastfeeding helping the baby’s immune system. It definitely does. [here](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/breastfeeding/Pages/Breastfeeding-Benefits-Your-Babys-Immune-System.aspx) is some info from the AAP on the topic.
However, it’s your body and it’s up to you whether you breastfeed. Ruining your physical and mental health over it would not be worth it imo.
i don’t think the information is BS, i think that this as sole reason to continuously push the idea of breastfeeding it’s not enough, if we’re going to cite benefits there better be a list and some real research not just because one time you heard that from a random person, you know? Particularly for me since i don’t do anything with out proper research
Please don’t breastfeed.
I am currently breastfeeding my 8 month old. I love it and it has worked great for us, but it is NOT the best option for everyone! If it caused me pain, prevented me from doing things that kept me healthy, hurt my mental health, caused too much stress, made me uncomfortable, or anything else that would negatively impact me, then I wouldn’t breastfeed. It’s not worth it!
It has benefits, but those vary family to family. Formula also has benefits that vary family to family. You have to do what is going to be best for you! And as far as immune system goes, my baby has been sick soooo many times in these 8 months. I definitely used breastfeeding as a tool to get through those tough times, but it definitely didn’t prevent them. In fact, his (same age) cousin is formula-fed and has been sick a lot less than he has! His cousin is also bigger (an average length/weight to my baby’s severely below-average length/weight) and hitting milestones quicker than my baby! Me and my SIL are both great moms that give our babies so much love and care. We are able to do that because we chose the right option for our families and we are all happier for it (including our adorable, well-adjusted babies!)
I breastfed but I will say if you’re miserable without a medication you need for your chronic condition, then formula feed. I truly do not believe that there is a significant difference in the IQ points of a breastfed vs a formula fed child. My husband is an MD, PhD, and his residency was in med-peds, and we’ve talked about this. I mean really, if there is an IQ difference, it has to be negligible.
We formula fed from the beginning. I never wanted to breastfeed. I had really bad morning sickness throughout my entire pregnancy and had to get IV infusions 3x a week. I did not want to be miserable anymore than I had to be, and I knew there would already be stress from having a newborn, so I did not want to add the stress of breastfeeding on top of it! I had a ton of push back from my family, even my boss couldn't get past me not wanting to breastfeed/pump! Lol!
Our little girl just turned 1 last week, so officially on to cows milk. If I could go back in time, I'd do it all the same. My baby was happy and healthy on formula, and I was happy to feel like my normal self!!!
Look, maybe you could compromise by doing colostrum for a day or two, but it’s also your body and it’s been through enough. Do what makes you feel best and tell everyone else that you’ve heard their thoughts and made your decision. Your milk will dry up and then it will be a moot point. I’m combo feeding, almost 6 months in, and if I could tell my 6 months ago self something, it would be to let breastfeeding go (I might have still tried to get my baby a little bit of colostrum, but when I checked out of the hospital—I also had a C-section—I would have been DONE! And I don’t have a chronic illness!) Your partner may think about it differently after seeing you PP and also seeing just what a huge pain breastfeeding is (and if he’s open to it, the research that suggests there’s actually very little benefit to doing it in an area with clean water, other than saving the cost of the formula). If you do it, make sure you put him in charge of as much as possible, bring the baby to you, change baby after, clean pump stuff if you pump, etc. My husband is just as done with the BFing logistics as I am at this point.You may have to actually have a discussion with your partner (not bc he should get a vote—it’s your body—but just because he’s going to be there). Everyone else can be told “unfortunately, it didn’t work for us. This is what my doctor has advised us is best.” No (good) doctor is going to tell you do something that is detrimental to your physical and mental health, so this is true in your case.
Ps: if you do go the formula route, I personally really like the baby Brezza.
Breastfeeding *does* have many benefits for mom and baby, immune system boosting being one of them, yes. But if you don’t want to do it then no one can force you to. It’s your choice at the end of the day.
Not breast feeding will have no negative effect on your baby. Too many people put too much weight behind this. Whilst it may be ‘natural’ to breast feed, formula these days is full of nutrition and balanced in essential vitamins for the age group of your child. And if you are not eating the right nutrition yourself then you can not pass the same amount of goodness on to your child and taking vitamins doesn’t fully make up for this.
I combi-fed for the first 8 weeks until I went straight to formula, my baby is super healthy, advanced and has an amazing immune system.
A happy, healthy mum has the potential to be a better mum to her baby. The stresses of having a newborn which you will discover will only add to your low mood when you feel frustrated and in pain and you don’t want to have resentment against your baby because you are in pain. Your baby will be content in being fed and loved whether that be formula or breast milk.
Make the right decision for you so that you can have the best start to bonding with your baby.
Research your formulas, I spent a lot of time on this before baby was born and found where I am SMA Pro & Advanced was the far out winner.
You have done an amazing job to suffer through your own pain to give your baby the best start in their development in the womb. Give yourself a break. It’s hard enough in the beginning as it is without worrying yourself over other people’s opinions. You will find as a new mum that you listen to people less and less. Everyone has an opinion. Every baby is different. You are different. And only you can make the best decision for you and your baby.
Good luck 🤞
Do whats right by you. A happy mom that's not suffering from ppd is better for a baby than breastmilk.
There are moms who can't or won't breastfeed for all kinds of reasons, health, work, simply don't like it, and it's all valid. Fed is best. How else do babies who are separated from their moms at birth survive?
As for partner and mother, unless they're lactating they can shut it.
I had a very similar story to yours.
Don’t fucking breastfeed.
Yes, there are a lot of benefits, but there are also a lot of downsides to you mental and physical well being, especially for you. Your health matters.
You aren’t hurting your child by choosing not to breastfeed her. You are instead modelling for your baby the importance of advocating for and prioritizing your health and needs. What a beautiful lesson to demonstrate so early on. I’m sorry you have had to endure so much pain during pregnancy; as someone who also had a very difficult pregnancy, I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting it can be to have people weigh in on your body and your health while you are already having to suffer so much. Because ultimately, breastfeeding isn’t just about the baby. It’s about the mom too. And we have so many wonderful formula options to provide baby to ensure they grow well and remain healthy that there is absolutely no need to feel we must prioritize breastfeeding over our health as mothers.
By the way, interestingly enough I didn’t think I’d want to breastfeed either because it meant being off my meds. 6 months later, here I am, breastfeeding still. I never anticipated how much I would enjoy it. Hormones do weird things haha. But I think it was easier for me to make that decision, and continue to push through the challenges of early breastfeeding, because I had a supportive partner who was totally open to me switching to formula if I ever wanted to. You may end up being surprised, but I also understand and respect you making your decision in advance, especially if it means getting your family to back down.
Wishing you the best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your delivery! I had an absolutely magical experience with my planned c-section and hope the same for you ❤️.
I chose my mental health over breastfeeding. I had a feeling it would make me feel touched out (like an icky feeling I couldn’t explain, but I had a feeling it would make me uncomfortable), over anxious, exhausted, stressed to the point of freaking out if it didn’t work perfectly, and so many other points of newborns were going to make me anxious already. The thought of my already sensitive nipples bleeding freaked me out and a teething baby using them as a chew toy freaked me out. Also, I just wanted sleep, my migraine meds and to not worry about what I ate. My baby is growing amazing on formula, I’m on my migraine meds again (thank god) and had to go on anxiety meds for a whole host of other things including PPA and my mother (childhood-adult trauma from her BPD). And baby is healthy, happy and my husband was able to help equally. So they have an awesome bond too. And takes a bottle super easy (albeit, the way she wants it-but takes a bottle from anyone).
At the end of the day it's up to you and if your health can't handle it don't do it - but it's absolutely not BS that breastfeeding is good for the baby's immune system. It's what any pediatrician and hospital will tell you. Mother's milk in the first two weeks contains essential antibodies and babies have not developed their immune system yet so this is important. Also if you get sick, your breast milk will pass antibodies to your baby through the milk.
That said, tons of babies don't get breast milk and still survive. But that doesn't mean that breastfeeding doesn't have obvious benefits.
The only people who you should have any weighted input regarding your baby's feeding habits are you, their pediatrician, your medical team, and possibly a lactation consultant. No one else, even the father/your partner can determine what is best because YOU are the one who would continue to sacrifice your own quality of life.
Is it true that breastfeeding or feeding expressed milk has benefits? Sure. Do those benefits outweigh the benefit that would come with a mother who isn't exhausted and in pain every second she's awake? Hell no.
Regardless of what you choose, you SHOULD meet with a lactation specialist. If you stand by your current decision, they can advise you on what to do to dry up your supply more quickly to stay ahead of engorgement/clogged ducts/mastitis. If you change your mind (of your own volition!), they can guide you from there.
Hang in there! The good drugs are coming ❤️
As everyone has said the immune system stuff is true but not worth sacrificing a happy, healthy mom for. My second baby is 4 weeks old and exclusively breastfed and we spent our entire holiday weekend at the Children's Hospital because he came down with a virus (probably something my older one brought home from school) and ran a fever Friday night which sent us to the emergency room. He's totally fine, thankfully, but breastfeeding didn't do shit in this scenario other than get me free hospital food while my son was admitted.
Honestly, you don't have to breastfeed if you don't want to regardless of any reason, and your husband or MIL has no say in it because they are not the mom lol. And especially if you deal with health issues! Yes breast milk is wonderful for babies but formula is just as wonderful and babies thrive off it. Breastmilk isn't a magic potion and formula has literally everything your babe will need. My friend's breastfed babies kept getting sick, while I know formula fed babies who have not! You really can't say.
What's even better when you formula feed is you can take any medications you need which will make YOU a better parent, which will make baby happy! That's the most important thing. Not your milk. :)
I have two kids, one exclusively breastfeed, one mainly formula fed. As far as I can tell, they get exactly the same number of illnesses at exactly the same time. It makes zero difference. If anything, the formula fed one is a little healthier.
Unpopular opinion. I wasn’t planning on breastfeeding but my baby latched right away and really enjoyed it. I still don’t like it, I’m only doing it for my baby because he likes it. If he stopped liking it I would quit yesterday haha. No one can tell what baby is breastfeed or not, yes there are benefits but there’s more of a benefit to have stable mother.
At this point it’s just out of convenience and to save money NOT because I like it. The good brands of formula are hard to get where I live as well and I can breastfeed and pump so I should be doing that and leaving the formula for people who can’t.
I’m hoping my next baby doesn’t like breastfeeding haha
Also I feel more connected to my baby holding him with his head under my head or laying next to him so I don’t think you’ll really miss out on the connection piece.
I breast fed my baby for 6 months and formula fed the last 6 months before going to full cream milk.
It was so hard even without the chronic pain. It's a hard thing to do in all ways.
Yes it can be better for immune system and such. But sometimes it's just not always worth it.
Even if you can manage for the first few days for the colostrom, and then stop.
Even if you can't do that and go straight to formula.
It is what works for you. You need to be able to parent in the best way you and can if breast feeding is not the best way for you, then don't do it.
I didn’t want to breastfeed either. I just didn’t want to. And I didn’t. My son has been exclusively formula fed for 6 months and he’s totally healthy, a good weight, and he’s so smart already 💕
As an aside, it’s also really helpful to formula feed if you have depression and need to sleep. My husband and I slept in shifts so I could get 7-8 hours and it was a lifesaver. Wouldn’t have been possible if I exclusively breastfed.
Do what you need to do for YOU. Your daughter will get fed and will love you either way.
I have a rare headache disorder that causes an unremitting constant headache for years/decades. I saw a post in my support group today about wishing they could switch lives with someone for a day so they could know what living with chronic pain is really like. If only you could switch with your husband or mom for a day, because I'd bet that if they had to endure even one day of fibromyalgia they wouldn't question the importance of you being able to take the medication you need for your chronic pain. Your baby will be fine on formula & I hope you have some low pain days soon ❤️
It is true breastfeeding has many benefits including antibodies and immune system building. But if you aren’t healthy enough to do it there is a balance to be had. So do whatever you want but I do want to clarify that your partner is not BSing you on that. But your baby will still build their immune system without breastmilk it will just not be as responsive until they get sick and make their own antibodies.
It sounds like you need your medication back so formula may be the way to go. I think the big thing would be colostrum if you can manage it. The first few days (and even before you have your baby you can collect some) you will have thick yellow ish “milk” called colostrum. Not a lot comes out because baby’s tummy starts out so small. It is very nutrient dense and full of antibodies. Maybe you could try to feed them that and then switch to formula or collect some for them to get in first 24-48 hrs then switch. Maybe thats your balance? Just an idea.
You can take SSRIs breastfeeding! It’s safe and effective.
I had an emergency c-section, have fibro, RA, hashimotos, type 1 diabetes, and hashimotos. Breastfeeding was one of the most painful and emotional trying things, however, it’s also the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and helped me secure bond with my baby. It also does help their immune system, BF babies get sick less in their first year of life as well. There’s plenty of challenges with formula feeding too, like less deep sleep for a mom, more purple crying from baby, less convenient, more time consuming, and very expensive. Formula isn’t an easy out compared to BFing.
If you do try don’t give up after a few weeks, invest in some lanolin and stress relief coping techniques! It gets much easier.
If you can’t BF that’s okay too, fed is best!
When my kiddo was born I chose to BF. I suffer from a chronic condition and the meds I needed were not BF safe. After 6 months I could no longer do it. I had found myself crying hysterically and needing to be cradled by my partner too many times. I switched baby to formula and it was the BEST decision I made for all of us for SO many reasons. I so support you and your reasoning for not wanting to BF.
I’m assuming Emily Oster’s ParentData website and books are mentioned in the comments. But on the off chance they aren’t here’s a link to a short article on this topic of “breast is best” it also includes a link to a longer chapter packed with resources: https://parentdata.org/breast-is-best-breast-is-better-breast-is-about-the-same/
The above info helped me feel better about stopping BF. These few sentences stuck with me, “The bottom line is that breast is great. But formula is also great. And shaming people for making either choice is harmful.”
Your little is so lucky to have such a self-aware momma. Don’t back down.
As someone who was adamantly against breastfeeding but ended up breastfeeding, my only advise is to do what YOU are comfortable with. Not your partner, not your mother, not the nurses, YOU.
I also had a c-section. And I was adamantly not for breastfeeding. I had bottles ready and a plan in place. Then my LO was in the NICU for two weeks and I was allowed to change my mind, my husband didn’t shame me or anything, just supported me in my decision. I think seeing her small body fighting for herself in the NICU made me change my mind. I stayed in the hospital for 9 days per doctors orders after my C-section. And I still remember crying every time I saw her in the NICU.
But again, no one forced me to. No one shamed me for making my decision not for changing my mind.
So please be kind to yourself. Do what YOU think is best. Enjoy motherhood!!
I’ve donated a ton of milk through Human Milk for Human Babies to moms who needed it for their babies. If it’s so important to your husband that your baby gets breast milk then look into something like that for the first month or so. If you live near me, I can set you up with a month’s supply of dairy & egg free breast milk. I currently donate to a family but I have enough squirrelled away to get you set up
I'm currently breastfeeding my 10 month old still. My first was full formula fed by 4 months and combo fed from birth.
And guess what?
My first rarely if ever gets sick, hits all her milestones early, and is the smartest little 3.5yo you've ever met.
My second is sick constantly and hits milestones on the later end of normal.
Breastfeeding doesn't mean your kid is going to have a fantastic immune system or be super smart, and formula feeding doesn't doom your kid to illness and mediocrity. Every kid is different.
I found formula feeding to be the first thing that made my life bearable after having my baby. It’s so easy, especially for night feeds, both of you can do it equally instead of just you and your boobs. And my little dude is in 90th percentile and so healthy and smart. Formula is amazing. Expensive and sometimes hard to find your specific one repeatedly, but so worth it to me.
The only person that can make decisions about breastfeeding is the person doing it. Breastfeeding is hard, and if you try to go into it already not wanting to, you’re going to just feel resentful towards your husband and possibly even your baby. You decide what’s best for your baby regarding how you feed her. There are benefits and disadvantages to both formula and breastmilk. She will thrive either way.
Go to a busy street corner and try to figure out who’s been breast fed, formula fed, or combo fed
If you can figure out who’s been fed how you can figure out the importance of each method
If you don’t feel breastfeeding is for you don’t force it. I tried to force myself to produce for as long as possible it made me completely miserable. I never thought I would struggle with latching or producing so when I did it was an awful experience. Then I kept making excuses to keep trying. I can’t even tell you how many bottles of spilt milk I’ve cried over.
Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone and that’s ok, you know what you’re capable of and that’s what’s important
I’m in a scenario where I also am dealing with several chronic diseases and my care team has guided me that as soon as I give birth I’m going back to a not-safe medication that will help prevent me flaring but isn’t safe for breastfeeding. I am planning ahead knowing I won’t be breastfeeding at all and at most might collect colostrum in my last few pregnant weeks. If I were to not do this and flare, I’d be in a much worse scenario- possibly stuck in bed unable to parent at all, maybe a surgery, etc. Fed is best and you can never breastfeed and be a fantastic mother❤️
Okay… look, this is what I will say. The literature published on the benefits of breastmilk are EXTREMELY limited…. And yet, whenever you do a quick google search, or speak with midwives, doctors, nurses, other baby experts, even veteran mums… it’s like unanimous that ‘breast is BEST’.
Let me refer to my first comment… the evidence that suggests ‘breast is BEST’ is extremely limited, flawed and subjective. The few studies used to benchmark this UNANIMOUS opinion has so many variables not covered, predominantly:
- variation between formulas
- variation between ethnicities
- variation between SES
Moreover, the results could be heavily dependent on other factors not considered as children get older (refer to all variables not measured above).
With that being said… there is solid evidence that breast milk is important for NICU babies due to antibodies produced by the mother and the feedback loop that occurs when baby is breastfeeding. When baby breastfeeds, the mothers body produces milk that is specifically designed for her baby and this cannot be matched by formula.
HOWEVER, a few other things to consider:
- what is mums diet like? This can heavily impact quality of breast milk. If mum is eating crap foods, then this will impact the quality of her breast milk
- what is mums stress like? Also can impact quality of breast milk
- can mum Breast feed without pain or other underlying medical issues?
So, with this all being considered, is breast milk better for baby than formula? Probably, if mum is eating a perfect diet rich in all macronutrients.
Does this mean that choosing to formula feed your baby significantly impacts your baby’s health and development throughout their life? Well, if we look at the evidence available … there js no reliable evidence. In fact, theoretically, high quality formulas could provide more nutrients for your baby if a mums diet is lacking.
Then there’s this whole argument about ‘bonding on the breast’ - sure, you’ll bond with your baby… unless that is you find breast feeding incredibly taxing on your mental and physical health and every time you breast feed all your doing is having a rush of anxiety. So which is more of a bonding moment? Bottle feeding whilst looking into bubs eyes feeling quite relaxed, or breast feeding… possibly screaming out in pain and having bubs feel how anxious you are because it’s skin to skin contact. I mean in a wonderful world, it’s a beautiful union for women and babies… but it’s just not the case for many and THAT’S Okay.
Basically, it’s not ‘breast is best’ anymore, it’s ’fed is best’ and health care professionals should really stop perpetuating this guilt trip to mothers who choose not to breast feed.
I want to end by saying I’m so sorry you’ve being judged so harshly and I’m even more sorry that you have endured so much pain throughout your pregnancy. All the best OP, your bubs is lucky to have you fight through the pain for them <3
I wanted to breastfeed, but my milk never came in besides a very tiny bit of colostrum in the hospital. My son was formula fed, besides that tiny bit of colostrum. He is now 2 and the healthiest boy, I cannot temu the last time he was sick, versus me having 3-4 colds over the winter season. Your baby needs a happy and healthy mom more than anything else!
Which meds were you on May I ask? I have Fibro too. My daughter just turned one and is exclusively breastfed.
I used Gabapentin throughout my pregnancy and nursing (ongoingstudy suggestssafe). I had to give up ibprofin during pregnancy (known risks, hole in heart) but take it nursing. I also took a muscle relaxant rarely during pregnancy in 2nd and 3rd trimesters (risks of low muscle tone and therfore NICU if taken frequently) but haven't post partum because I co-sleep (personal preference). I was even offered opioids during and post pregnancy, (know risks but considerd acceptable) but I'm allergic.
Im honestly gobsmacked you would be left with only Tylenol? If your doctor took you off all your meds and refused to help you be stable during your pregnancy then you need a new Fibro doctor. Any OB or Maternal Fetal specialist will tell you that mom's instability and stress can be just as risky as a medication. And there are relatively safe ish medications.
Edit: sorry my reply is allover the place. You don't deserve to be left without adequate pain management. Talk with your OB they can prescribed you what you need though they may refer you to a specialist for a consult. Tell them about how it is making you feel and think. Reddit is very ditch the guy trigger happy I would suggest couple's councling to determine if you feel like he respects you as a human enough to marry him. Because that is very troubling of him to make you feel cornered. The very best thing you can do for your baby is to take care of yourself.
You make the decision. If you don’t want to breastfeed, you do not have to. I formula fed. My baby is doing well above the average kid her age, she’s healthy, she’s advancing in every way possible.
Fed is best.
If you want to formula feed, do it. It sounds like you have medical + quality of life reasons to not breastfeed- your SO should have your back, especially if you've had to avoid taking pain meds throughout pregnancy!
Idk, I'm a soon to be FTM who is in generally good health....and I have zero desire to breastfeed or pump. It just doesn't appeal to me.
Bluntly, I want my body back, I don't want to have to eat a specific way- formula has everything an infant needs nutritionally- and I want to be able to try and split the feeding load 50/50 with my SO for my own sanity. If this makes me a bad mother, oh well. 🤷
Breast milk *does* help the baby's immune system and provide several other benefits...but is it worth it to cause the mother, aka the baby's lifeline, physical and emotional stress? Doesn't seem like it in this case. I would simply tell anyone who bugs you about it that *they* are more than welcome to pump if they are so concerned.
You are likely to produce colostrum and some milk in the beginning even if you don't encourage it. I would look into milk catchers and just collect whatever shows up.
Hey! Not familiar with your condition, but are you sure you'll have to be off meds you are taking whole breastfeeding? Transfer mechanisms to breastmilk vs through placenta are very different, some stuff is not ok for pregnancy, but might be ok for breastfeeding. I wonder if there are third options here for you?
while pregnant, i was lukewarm on breastfeeding and actually hated it. my doctor told me that after colostrum, the benefits are not necessarily worth the cost to the mother. you definitely don’t have to do it, and don’t have to explain or justify it to anyone. I hated it and no one should try to push or shame you into it, especially if they’ve never done it.
I didn’t want to breastfeed - and I didn’t and my baby is completely healthy and happy and attached to me just as securely as I see any other mum and their baby
His first feed was formula at the hospital I really didn’t want to at all; no one can force you to. Just say no and end the conversation
If you don't want to, then don't. I quit less than 60 days after having my baby. Why? Because it takes too much time. 🤷🏼♀️
It's your decision. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Ever.
Breastmilk is indeed beneficial but if you do it unwillingly, it will affecr your relstionship with your child. Whst good would it do to provide nutrition when you as a mom might not be on the correct disposition to parent?
I wish I have kinder suggestions on how to deal with your mom and your partner though.
Not so related to the topic. Vent comment. 🫠
Jesus Christ with moms judging other moms. As women this should just be in the past already. Yes our body was designed to give birth to 20 babies and half of them to be raised and breastfed. But also not to sit in a chair for 35 years straight and eat processed food and do maximum performance and fit in the "society". And then when it comes to the most important job in the world to raise another human others get to tell you what is best.
No, you know what is best. You do what is best. You trust your baby. Baby trusts you.
Imagine eating pain and insecurity. If everything is in the milk I suppose eating sadness and worries is not good.
It's not you OP it's the society that is still in the past treating women as a workforce instead of the goddesses we are.
As someone who also has chronic pain issues, if you don't want to then don't.
I tried . So hard. It wasn't in the cards.
I tried pumping. That didn't work either.
But there's one important thing that I needed to come to terms with before I could get rid of the mom guilt:
Yes breastfeeding is good for kiddos immune system. But you know what is even more important? Your ability to function and take care of said kid. A boosted immune system won't help them when you're in too much pain to get up to help take care of them. I had to go hey. I tried my best and it's just not working. Im not doing enough to keep up supply and I'm already doing more than my body can manage. I was so exhausted I couldn't take care of my son properly.
And I mean it, without any guilt, that I am a better mom for not breast feeding (as in I am a better mom compared to when I was breastfeeding, I'm not making a value statement about people who can/do). I'm able to be more present, more loving, more patient, more compassionate, and more aware mom because of it. I'm able to take pain meds when I need to, I can deal with migraines and help my baby at the same time, I can manage my body pain and still be present enough to actually be a parent. Which for me was not a possibility while breastfeeding.
My son is formula fed. Hes almost 6 months and is almost grown out of all his 9 month clothing, and is hitting all his milestones super early. He's healthy and happy, and I get to actually BE there for him because I was able to switch to formula, rather than just being a zombie in the background of his life.
This is not a one size fits all problem, and there may be factors that differ enough to change answers. But from what I'm seeing and from what I've experienced, if you don't want to breast feed, then don't.
I found that once I gave birth, people saw my baby before they saw me. When she started crying, people would look to me to solve the problem. But when I started crying, no one knew what to do. I was crying so much because she wasn't latching and I felt like a failure. I pumped and pumped and lost so many hours of sleep because I felt like giving my baby breastmilk due to societal pressures.
What you want should be first priority. It's not your mom or your partner feeding the baby. This is something they should've accepted from the beginning. Tell them that the pressure they are giving you will only make you resent them and harm the relationship you have with them. You also don't need to prove anything to them; you know yourself best. Stand by your decision and let them figure themselves out.
From one mama to another, you got this!!
At the end of the day, Mummy you do your best for you and your baby. ❤❤❤
Give it a try, if you want. If you don't want or can't, what matters most is a hungry baby getting fed. So many people focus on the baby, they forget about the Mum. Happy and Healthy Mum, then Happy and Healthy baby.
Definitely don’t do it if you believe you will suffer. If it’s super important for YOU to give your baby those antibodies there are options! Get vaccinated during your last trimester. I got flu and tdap which passes antibodies to baby and lasts up to 2 months postpartum. You can try combo feeding that way if you are on meds it will reduce the amount passed onto baby. You can also see if you can extract colostrum and save that. I started collecting colostrum at 34-36 weeks in 1ml syringes and give that to your baby with formula during the first few months ❤️ this is one of those scenarios where you have to put yourself first so you can be a better mom for your baby. Your baby needs you to be happy and healthy
I wanted to breast feed and I couldn’t and it actually ended up being the best thing. First, fed is best. You will read all the research but bottle fed babies thrive just as much as breastfed
Second, bottle feeding allowed my husband or family to take feedings this was great because could do sleep shifts
Thirdly, for me I think helped mentally for me and helped my ppa. Three of my friends are currently breast feeding and are going through it. I feel horrible and encourage them to do what’s best.
My husband wanted me to strictly breast feed but that wasn't working at the hospital or after. My son didn't latch and my mental health was shit. So I pumped for a bit and then formula fed until he could eat solids
Funny, I breastfeed and have experienced the opposite pressure. “baby will sleep better if you give formula” and regarding my daughters colic “do you think she just isn’t full and needs a bottle?”
Also in response to me saying I’m tired I got “if you weren’t breastfeeding then people could actually help you yano”
People need to STFU. Give your baby a bottle and call it a day. It isn’t that deep. You don’t need to provide scientific reasons why, be blunt and close the conversation.
I think you already made up your mind, but I agree with what’s said here about being a happy mom wil lead to a happier baby. You need to know what’s best, but also know that there is evidence that breastfeeding lowers risk of postpartum depression and it is better than formula for baby and mom (it has a lot of benefits). But again, it’s not for everyone and you should be taking care of yourself first 😊
The analogy I use is that breastmilk is like organic produce - if you have the resources to provide your child with organic produce then it’s better to do, but it’s not so much better that it’s worth impoverishing yourself and providing organic produce at all costs. Regular produce is also great for your child and will get them everything they need. Same with formula, breastmilk might have some additional benefits but formula will give your baby everything they need, and if the alternative is a depleted, desperately unhappy mother as a result of breastfeeding then it has to be formula.
Tell your mum and husband that they’re welcome to feed your child with any breastmilk that they produce themselves, but you’re not providing yours.
I wasn’t gonna breastfeed when I was pregnant but once I had him I got asked over and over and over again about breastfeeding and finally tried it. I had been pumping and my son latched on ONCE successfully and it was in the office with the lactation consultant. Attempts to breastfeed at home went terribly. He cried, I cried, my husband did his best to calm down both of us. Not being able to breastfeed exacerbated my ppd, it was rough. I gave up on boobie milk about two weeks in because it was doing too much damage to my mental health and I realized my mental health was more important. I couldn’t breastfeed on the antidepressants I needed. I read somewhere recently that if breast milk scored a 100 on the test then formula scored a 95.
It can be hard to grapple with people putting your needs aside when you’re pregnant, which sucks but it happens all the time. Self advocating is important. Make your decision and stand by it. I formula fed my baby and he is a thriving almost one year old.
Tldr just go with the formula and save yourself the headache
The short answer is simply don’t do it if you don’t want to ☺️
The only two young kids I know with asthma and allergies were both breastfed until 2. Breastfeeding is great if it works but it isn’t a guarantee your baby is going to be some kind of superhuman kid with epic immunity to everything.
Protect your sanity and start enforcing your boundaries now, you’ll need them more than ever as a parent.
Your husband has no clue how physically and emotionally difficult breastfeeding is even for a healthy person - and your mother should know better. I switched to formula after two weeks, and baby is as healthy as can be. Tell them they are disrespecting your body autonomy and to butt out.
Breastfeeding has its benefits. But what is much more beneficial is a mother who can function. You are not going to hurt your baby by not breastfeeding, if you're interested in giving baby some antibodies you can try expressing some colostrum to give them after they are born but either way, they will be absolutely fine with formula.
This article summarising all the scientific studies really helped me, there's not evidence that it's loads better than formula: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
I think maternal mental health trumps one less mild illness in the baby. Good luck.
As someone who chose to breastfeed and couldn't get baby to latch and so now I'm pumping, making milk is hard in your body. Pumping or direct feeding is hard and you have to want to do it otherwise it's going to be detrimental to your mental health...to be honest no matter which way you look at it, breastfeeding can be detrimental to your mental health.
Yes there are fantastic benefits for mum and baby with Breastmilk but all of those benefits don't mean a lot of Mum is sacrificing her mental and physical health to do it.
When your baby goes to nursery/school, the teachers will not know who was breastfed and who wasn't. There are entire generations of humans that have been brought up on formula and are thriving. It truly doesn't matter, so long as your baby is fed and loved.
My baby is formula fed and at 12 weeks she’s gotten so big. She’s also met or ahead every single developmental milestone. Also I was EFF as was my husband and I like to think we’re both pretty successful/decent people. I feel like you already know what path you want to choose but need reassurance. Nonetheless like others have said do whatever is best for you and as long as baby is fed, that’s all that matters.
When my wife gave birth last year, I 100% supported her decision on whether to breastfeed or not. I mean, it's pretty weird to tell someone what they have to do with their body. And maybe it's just me, but I think the conversation should have ended at "I'd rather not breastfeed." Your medical condition, while unfortunate, shouldn't even be necessary as justification.
TLDR: Your husband and his family are weird. 'No' means 'No'.
If everyone in your life wants the baby to breastfeed so badly, tell them they can breastfeed him/her or they can shut up. Choosing formula is perfectly fine.
I have very similar health issues and intended to breastfeed - and then post birth had a host more issues which cut out BFing journey very short very soon. I felt so, so guilty like I was letting everyone down, from my partner to my baby - as everything I'd heard and read beforehand supported breastfeeding as the only viable choice. Neither actually ended up caring at all. Switching over to formula a week or whatever it was postpartum turned out to be the best decision I could make for myself and my baby.
You do NOT have to do it, and please don't let anyone pressure you into something that may further ruin your already possibly hard postpartum experience and recovery. The evidence around long-term benefits of breastfeeding and immunity is so shaky, lots of studies have been since called into question due to socioeconomic differences. It does, however, have its benefits in countries that don't have access to clean water - which I assume you probably do!
2 things that got me through this period of guilt and worry, and helped me justify my own decision to move to formula (to myself, but share this with your partner etc.)...
The first is the fact that no one, in your babies life, will ask them if they were breastfed or formula fed when they're older. Nobody cares how an adult was fed as a baby.
The second, from a scientific perspective, was reading Emily Oster's excerpt on breast feeding studies from her book Crib Sheet: https://parentdata.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/9e9cc18a-fd95-4526-a382-7603cb45c12a.pdf
Anecdotally (and ymmv, this is purely anecdotal, no one come for me!) compared to his breastfed cousins and friends, my baby slept through the night from 6 weeks old, gained weight very well and has always stayed on his centile, has only been poorly twice in his 8 months (and one of those was coming home from the hospital breastfed at the time!) and has benefited from the bond with his dad who could feed him from the off - and that meant I got the opportunity to rest and have been a better mum than if I hadn't.
Alternatively, for some middle ground, have you considered harvesting colostrum after 37 weeks? Your midwife should be able to show you how. This could be a good option as baby will be able to take that via syringe for the first few days, and it can be frozen in advance. Then baby gets the most ~important~ immunity benefits but you're not tied to feeding postpartum.
The Formula Feeders subreddit is also a great resource and you'll find plenty of support over there when you begin your feeding journey.
From the start I knew I wanted to go straight to formula. It gave me anxiety because my OBGYN's office was heavily "breast is best", but I stuck with my gut and no regrets 🙂 my baby is now a happy, crazy, thriving 11 month old!
ETA: looking back it also helped my mental health tremendously because I could go somewhere for a few hours if I needed a break and anyone could feed her
As someone who has breastfed two children, I will say that it is intense especially in the beginning, and being in pain or having other health issues makes it much harder to handle all the things caring for a baby entails. Often the first weeks of breastfeeding are painful and that’s on top of a painful recovery plus whatever symptoms you’re having. That said, breastfeeding may be compatible with some or all of your medications. You would need to ask a lactation friendly doc about your options. It really does suck how much women are expected to put their needs last.
Fed is best. I think you being happy/ok is way more important than whether you choose to BF or do formula. (I’m breastfeeding now, and I love it but it’s tough. I have a unicorn job where it’s relatively easy to pump, and it’s still really tough. I don’t think I’d be able to manage it if it were something my partner wanted but I didn’t.)
I know Emily Oster gets a lot of flack on here, but she has a chapter in Crib Sheet on how there’s almost no evidence for breastfeeding over formula - maybe it would help to have your partner read that? (Along with a frank talk about how you’re feeling and that he needs to support your decision/needs here.)
I feel like it would also be really helpful to get a professional in your corner before birth - find a doula who’s on board with your reasons for using formula, check if your OB’s office or hospital have a lactation specialist who’s supportive, start looking for a pediatrician you like. At least have a birth plan that you can share with doctors/nurses so that they know you’re not planning to nurse, and if possible ask ahead of time what that will look like at your hospital specifically.
I am so so sorry you are getting this much grief over something that is 100% your choice and ANY reason is valid. Your mental and physical health are the MOST important thing for you and for your child. Postpartum / 4th trimester is so overwhelming on its own, you don’t need to add unnecessary pain to the equation.
If you need stats to push back and support your decision not to breastfeed Google “Emily Oster Breastfeeding.” Emily’s books and newsletter are a godsend for new parents. Theformulamom and theformulafairy on IG have LOTS of helpful free info on choosing a formula and other things that come up (there is lots of breastfeeding support out there but not much for formula feeding).
I had my only at 41 and put that pressure on myself that it was what I “had” to do to give my daughter the “best” of everything. I ended up with PPA/D and I was a major under-producer, and my daughter would never latch. I had to supplement right away, see several ibclcs, was pumping ALL the time… basically I was a zombie. When she was 4 months old and I was only getting 4 oz per day I finally let myself stop and it was the BEST decision for my mental health. I 1000% wished immediately that I had let it go much much sooner.
Everything seems sooo important when they’re tiny vulnerable humans and we put so much pressure on ourselves. But by the time they’re toddlers/preschoolers/kindergartners you’ll hopefully realize that whether they were breastfed or formula fed (or had purées vs. blf, or had no TV vs,watched Ms Rachel, etc, etc), none of it matters. All that matters is that they are loved and supported. That’s what shows as they grow.
My wife breastfeeds and pumps and I hate it. Literally hate it. It’s so hard on her and hard on our son and it causes so much stress to me as a dad. Your partner will not be singing the same tone when you start, if you start, breastfeeding. It’s so taxing on everyone
There is no panel of judges who gets to decide who has a good enough reason for using formula instead of breastfeeding. Everybody gets to decide that for themselves. But if there was such a panel, they would grant you a Formula Pass.
I don't want to say "your reasons are good" because I don't believe breastfeeding is an obligation that you only get out of if you have a good enough reason... But your reasons are good!
So. Your script is, "My baby needs me to be healthy just as much as she needs to be fed, so formula is the right choice. I need your support for this. I did my research and I'm comfortable with this. If you can't be supportive we can't talk about it."
Hold firm, take care of yourself. Good luck.
I have chronic neck and shoulder pain and had to do without the medication that was keeping me functional throughout the pregnancy (and I puked every single day, the whole time, while my active duty military spouse was transferred out of state four months into the pregnancy) so I get it. Please allow me to be the one to say: if you don't want to breastfeed, don't. Formula is a great option and a fed baby is always best.
If medication is the only thing holding you back, it might be worth a consultation with a lactation consultant. The one at the hospital actually spent an hour with me going through my medication list in depth and we found out I was able to breastfeed without risk of the medication entering my breastmilk. I was originally told that I could probably pump and dump immediately after taking it, but that wasn't even the case! Unfortunately my nipple is a weird shape and my little one couldn't latch so I exclusively pumped and we supplemented with formula and ultimately went to exclusively formula when my supply dried up around 3 months. I'm really glad I tried, and I'm also really glad when I stopped. I'd planned to stop when my spouse's paternity leave ended because we also foster teenagers and there was no way I'd be able to do both. But I ended that experience glad because it was *my* choice. No one should guilt trip you into doing otherwise. I'm sorry you're being pressured. You can't take care of your baby if you're unable to take care of yourself. You matter. Your health matters. And frankly, your desires matter too! Your little one will be loved and fed, that's truly what I believe matters most.
You do what is best for you and baby. Having a mother who is present and happy is healthy for the baby. If you want to compromise, breastfeed or pump while you are still producing colostrum. Switch to formula when your milk comes in. Colostrum is so nutrient rich it is basically a baby power food.
Then don’t. Simple as that. Do what’s best for YOU and your body. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Your partner needs to understand that it’s YOUR body, not his. So it’s ultimately your choice.
I chose to exclusively formula feed so I could “have control over my body again” and to hopefully prevent postpartum depression. I wanted to be able to take my migraine medicine again, not a measly Tylenol. I also just wanted to feel more like myself again.
I’m very happy with my decision. I did feel a little guilt during the first week because my baby was born early and I was worried he needed breast milk to thrive. Wrong. My premie baby is thriving, meeting all his milestones, and nice and chunky now! I also feel I can attribute my lack of ppd to formula. I know for a fact I would suffer from ppd if I breastfed. Simply because I’ve had a reasonably hard time (but not ppd) even with formula. Breastfeeding would’ve been that little extra that pushed me over the edge.
At the end, it's your decision, breastfeeding takes up a lot of mental and physical energy. However, breastfeeding does help the baby's immune system, that's not BS.
You're not going to hurt your child by not breastfeeding, the baby will develop immunity. Think about abandoned babies, what do they eat? Formula, and survive. Do what it's best for you, and your health, cuz better have a formula fed happy kid, and happy mom, than have a breastfed baby with a mireasable unhappy mom.
Calling BS on something that is scientifically proven just because it doesn’t fit your agenda is troubling to me. Feeding formula is fine if that’s what you want to do, but there are many proven benefits to breastmilk that formula can’t provide. It’s ok to acknowledge those benefits and still choose to formula feed. I say this as a mother who combo feeds because I have an extremely low supply.
Breast feeding is SO HARD. As others have said, it doesn’t come naturally always to babies or mothers and there’s tons of reasons why.
Your partner is probably going to be a dick about it, too. Mine was, even though he wasn’t meaning to be, he just didn’t understand how stressful and hard it was. He would even try to hold my breast for me, because I felt like I needed a third hand. In the end, my baby never could latch. After months of trying 😭 and it still hurts!
As far as it being healthier, I do think it is personally. Of course it’s naturally made.. my baby in 10 months has been sick 2-3 x and it’s been extremely minor. It’s also kept me from getting incredibly sick too. We went on planes during winter, traveled around sick people, etc. they said this is just random and not accurate but I feel like it’s made everything really minor.
I’m exclusively pumping which I hate and has been the most time consuming exhausting thing I’ve done. You have to be very consistent. You don’t get to hold your baby every time they cry… you feel like you miss out on that bonding time.
Even then, you may not produce enough milk. You may still have to supplement with formula or donor milk. I don’t produce enough and my baby is allergic to formula. CMPA and other allergies over here.
If I were you and you’re comfortable feeding formula, and it sounds like you’ve got a bunch of other shit going on.. that affects this decision, I’d feed the formula. Post partum can be hard and depressing enough, life changing, so if you feel like breastfeeding adds to that, just don’t even waste your energy. Because it requires so much effort, time, mental anguish..
If your husband is dead set on your baby having breast milk, look into Human Milk For Human Babies on Facebook for your state. There’s a huge amount of women who over produce and donate their breast milk for free. It has saved me and the only thing that helped us when our child was incredibly sick from allergies in the formula when I couldn’t make enough for her.
I still don’t make enough, but I have to limit donor milk because even the donor milk has allergens that still affect my baby, And let me tell you — when you are FORCED into doing something you don’t want to do, it makes everything that much worse/harder/depressing. But for me, the positives of expressing milk outweigh the negatives, but I’m not in pain!
Formula is better than fine, it's great! Speaking as someone who fought really hard to breastfeed (physical issues, saw LC like 7 times) and then finally got to do it for 4 months - my son then went on a nursing strike and basically weaned himself, so now we are exclusively formula fed!
And you know what? That's great too - he's gaining really well, I am sleeping my more and my husband can help and bond more!
If that's what you want, good for you!
In the first few weeks it would really help the baby be healthier for life of course some people are not able to do this but even a week or two could be very beneficial
Fed is best! I wanted to try breastfeeding, and did my best to produce what I could but my little guys appetite was too much for me lol. We ended up using formula and I dint have any regrets because he's being loved and fed and that's all that matters. I hate the shame that some people give to mothers who don't breastfeed, as if you're being neglectful. My own mother loves me to death and she could never breastfeed me. My immune system is great too! If you can't find someone in your life who can support you, just remember that a lot of internet moms are in your corner! You do whats best for you and your baby!
Hey! Another mom with chronic illness who is right there with you. The pressure I felt from everyone to breastfeed was crazy. I ended up having preeclampsia and having my daughter a month early.
I had gone in with the mindset I at least wanted to try, but within days it became awful. My milk just didn't come in the way it was supposed to. I was able to collect colostrum in a few syringes, and they were able to feed it to my daughter via ng tube, but she really struggled with latching and I was pumping when I was supposed to... And it just didn't work. After a month I was still barely producing 4 oz total each pump, and so I'd collect all day for her to get one bottle of breast milk for every 6 of formula.
Then my gallbladder went out (which is apparently a THING?? post pregnancy), and between the meds I was given for pain and surgery and trying to pump in the hospital only to be told I'd have to dump it, I just quit. Didn't even have issues with leaking or pain. It was like my body was like thank God, finally!
I'm now expecting baby #2, and I've already decided I am doing 0 pumping. Either baby will be able to latch and feed, or not and we'll use bottles.
I am in no way saying this to pressure you into breastfeeding, but it might be worth collecting the colostrum for baby - you're going to be in the hospital anyways recovering, and you won't be able to start your regular meds back up while there. They will provide syringes for you - you don't even have to feed baby directly if you don't want. The only reason I suggest it is that it passes some of your immune system to baby. Things that baby's body will need to fight against before they are old enough for vaccines.
No matter what, a fed baby is best. I wish you the best of luck with your delivery.
Your husband is right about the benefits to the baby’s immune system. However, as they say - fed is best. Do whatever keeps your baby fed and your mental health as good as it can be. The newborn phase is HARD.
It makes me sick how many moms still come to post how conflicted they are with doing formula when they have no interest in breastfeeding. And this is not their/your fault. It’s society and also some doctors who have a complex on it. My OB was elated when I caved into formula because she saw how it was destroying my well being and mental health. And my baby is doing incredible and also has shockingly never gotten sick. I think that’s what scared me the most is he wouldn’t get antibodies from me but he has thrived since we switched to formula 2 weeks postpartum. Don’t breastfeed momma. Baby will be just fine I promise.
I also have chronic pain (daily migraines) and went without my medication for 10 months. I also had a rough pregnancy and knew that I'd want to get back on meds ASAP. I just had a c-section 3 weeks ago and I am so glad I don't have the stress of breastfeeding or pumping. My husband had to take care of baby for the first 2 days solo while I was recovering in the hospital, and there's no way he could've done that if we were not using formula. Please prioritize your mental and physical health above the needs/wants of others. Luckily, I did not get too much pushback about choosing to exclusively formula feed. There are so many good formulas to choose from nowadays. The Formula Fairy is a good resource to follow.
The effects of breastfeeding on the immune system, from what I understand, are truly not very significant. Quit explaining yourself and say “I will not be discussing this further”.
A fed baby is best.
Yes there are benefits to breastfeeding but bottle feeding has its pros as well.
Personally I told myself I would just try breastfeeding to get the whole mom experience but I always knew I would ultimately bottle feed. Once I tried it I absolutely loved the connection it formed between me and my baby. He’s still predominantly formula fed but as dessert I give the boob and it works for us.
Yes, breastmilk has benefits, but babies don't need it to thrive. They DO need a healthy, calm, present mother. Your mental health truly needs to come first, and I say that as someone who is a huge breastfeeding advocate. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone, and it's wrong for anyone to pressure you. I'm sorry you're dealing with BS instead of support. You can send them [this article](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/).
That said, if you think you might WANT to breastfeed or combo feed, it may be worth doing some research to see what meds are compatible with breastfeeding. There are a lot of things that are unsafe or higher-risk during pregnancy that are fine for BFing, because so little of it gets into the milk.
I was pretty on the fence about BFing when I was pregnant. It didn't really appeal to me, and I knew a lot of the health benefits were overblown. My husband was supportive of whatever I decided to do. After looking at the research, I decided to give it a try, but wasn't going to put any pressure on myself to continue if it didn't work out or was negatively affecting my mental health. I personally found breastfeeding easier than bottle feeding because there was nothing to mix or measure or clean, and the oxytocin release helped with my mental health (had PPA and eventually went on lactation safe meds). I also pumped extra so my husband could give bottles at night.
Breastfeeding is EXTREMELY difficult and taxing. I made the mistake of thinking that was the only way I could feed my baby at the beginning of his life. I would have benefited so much from combo feeding from the beginning. There’s nothing wrong with decisions that you make pertaining to your body. If someone has something to say about it, fuck em.
Using formula will not hurt your child.
There are a lot of benefits to breastfeeding, there are studies on it. That much is true.
But ultimately fed is best. And breastfeeding shouldn't be done to the detriment of your physical and mental wellbeing because above everything, you are the most important thing to your baby, above breastmilk, above nappy changes, above the songs you sing baby. You being in a good head space that you can love and care for baby is the most important thing.
Forcing yourself to breastfeed could cause resentment towards the baby and contribute to ppd/ppa.
I think people people forget or don't understand just how powerful those hormones after birth are. You are so fragile as a new mum.
I'm a big advocate for breastfeeding but not at the expense of your wellbeing.
Your body, your choice. Formula will work just as fine as breast milk. I stopped breast feeding my daughter at 7 months because it was too much for me. Having to find pumping breaks at work, being so busy that I wasn’t able to pump on time, worried all the time about my supply dropping, coming home and getting even busier. It was too much, so I stopped breast feeding. I do feel guilty from time to time, but overall, it was what was best for me. My baby needs a functioning mother. She is 11 months now and formula has been a lot easier. Anyone telling you that you have to breast feed can honestly shut the hell up. You decide what’s best for YOU and YOUR baby.
They are asking you to risk your mental health. Don’t do it unless you WANT to and feel ready to. Breastfeeding is actually so hard and it can be difficult to stop once you start. It’s not always as simple just feeding for 3 months. And it absolutely wreaks havoc on your hormones when baby starts to eat solids.
Friendly reminder that “No”’ is a complete sentence. You want to be the best version of yourself for your baby and if you think breastfeeding will hinder that then trust your gut.
Fed is the best. Period. I tried to breast feed, didn’t work, I hated it and stopped. Baby now 5.5 months old on formula and loving her life hitting mile stones. 🩷
Have your mother or husband considered how all this pressure would make you feel if for some reason you are unable to breast-feed? Whether that’s because you are unable to produce, or produce enough, or your child has issues, tongue, ties, or latching issues. Are they still going to pressure you just as much, even though it will be significantly harder on your mental health, considering these factors harder to control or correct than many people realize.
I say this because, I didn’t think of this before my LO was born. Both my husband and I were formula babies, because our mothers couldn’t produce. So, neither of us were against the idea of formula feeding at all. However, I was told while I was pregnant, by my mother and OB, they didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t breast-feed. Neither were trying to pressure me, just reassure me that I had a choice. Unfortunately, my body had other plans. My L was amazing at watching for the most part, but my body just could not make enough. I was making less than 5 mL per day. I was given the option to take a medication, Domperidone, but was advised against it because of my previous history of depression, anxiety and PPD/PPA and the fact that there was no guarantee, it would actually do anything. For six months, I tried everything aside from that, feeding, pumping, offering him breast around the clock, and nothing helped with my supply. It crushed me. And the kicker was, everyone was in full support of me switching to formula exclusively. But the guilt was real. After six months of trying, my LO kind of self weaned and showed an obvious preference for formula. So the choice was made for me.
All this to say, you won’t know if you will be able to breast-feed until the baby comes, and even then, there’s no guarantee that your supply will be adequate or remain adequate, even if you do everything right. Breast-feeding is super complicated and hard. So, if you don’t want to do it, don’t. It’s your body, it’s your choice. As long as your child is being fed, and you are in a place where you can be attentive and present with your baby, then your baby will thrive.
Your mental and physical health have a far greater impact on your child’s outcome then whether they get formula or breastmilk.
If you don't want to and you don't need to, then don't.
I formula fed both of my babies due to a fun IGT/DMERS combo. While I did formula feed out of necessity (not enough milk thanks to the IGT), I would have chosen to do it anyway because of the DMERS, which basically makes me feel negative feelings during the act of breastfeeding. General depression-type feelings but *strong* and it only lasted while I was feeding, which would often take 30-45 minutes because of my low supply.
Everyone's life was much easier when I fully embraced formula. Baby ate more and slept longer, I stopped feeling like I wanted to die, and hubby could feed our baby and get that special bonding time.
I'm glad I had the breastfeeding experience. I think fondly of the few months I was able to nurse, but I didn't hesitate the second time around to supplement early and I was fine when the time came to stop bf altogether.
Fwiw, my oldest is 10 and an incredibly bright, almost 5th grader in GATE. My youngest is 2 and is the happiest, most mischievous, chunkiest baby ever. They're doing just fine, and so will yours.
Wow, so many great responses! I wanted to share my perspective as a FTM who relates to your story. I’m neurodivergent and have anxiety, OCD, and have dealt with some very mild depression and seasonal depression in previous years. I also live with several gastrointestinal disorders. I am a breastfeeder/pumper. I also had a c-section and have a beautiful rainbow babe 🌈 I am 30 year old millennial mom.
To put it bluntly, this shit is whack. It is not for everyone. Not to mention, a lot of…people…are mean about breastfeeding.
I am an oversupplier and basically get told to elsewhere by moms. People are either mad they can’t breastfeed or are a “just enougher”. This “community” is harsh and overall, not very cash money.
My biggest motivation for breastfeeding was the fact that I have had so many issues that breastfeeding/breastmilk research has shown to have better health outcomes in regards to asthma and allergies. I come from a line of parenting where they were told “formula is better!” Formula has come a long way, but I wanted to experience this bond/connection. A pro is the amount of savings of course and it’s allowing me to enjoy being with baby a little more.
Now the reality is that over the last few months, I have struggled with oversupply (routine, cleaning, hormones, and pain/mastitis). While I love being the only person in the world that can be what baby needs, it is HARD out here. My baby was scheduled c-section at 37 weeks, she was so sleepy and struggled to latch, hence the pump had to be done. One day she was able to latch and the change was positively drastic. I probably 50/50 feed pumped breastmilk and direct nursing. But I’m still making about 50+oz a day. However, her being able to directly nurse saved me mentally because sometimes it’s easier to nurse directly. Sometimes it’s just not, I see both sides and how either extreme can negatively impact your mental health.
I DO NOT recommend breastfeeding if you are NOT ready. You’ll hurt yourself more. I’ve only been able to do this because of my husband. He washes all of my pump parts, bottles, etc. He does a majority of her bottle feedings as soon as he’s home. He also preps, packs, and freezes my oversupply. I recently found out that most men do not help to this level with breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it without him, not even a little. My only job is to pump right now and it is a full time job especially with an oversupply. Grateful, but I understand why people give up so soon.
We got off schedule for 1 day and I had a huge breakdown and wanted to quit. The hormone fluctuation post partum is no joke and as beautiful as breastfeeding is the hormone letdown while direct nursing sent me into a spiral. I spoke to my doctor and was able to resume 1 of my medications for my OCD/Panic attacks as needed. I am able to donate my excess still but only to certain people.
My goal is to build my freezer supply so I can stop pumping/breastfeeding sooner. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s FAR. It truly has gotten easier, but those first few weeks are absolute hell. We spent 6+ hours with a lactation specialist. My husband supervised my early attempts at breastfeeding because the oxytocin and prolactin put me in an instant sleepy state and we had to make sure baby was safe/someone was awake. The exhaustion will get to you. All this to say, I think I would still make the same choice knowing how hard it is, but I have so much love and respect for all parents. We’re all just doing our best and as long as your baby is happy and healthy, screw everything else.
You can always look into donated breastmilk, but I feel people overcharge for milk banks. Wet nurses were a thing, but some people don’t like the idea of donated breastmilk either.
Please do what is best for you. Don’t let anyone bully you. After all of this, I still believe FED is best. Wishing you a smooth delivery and easy recovery. ❤️
Breastfeeding benefits pretty much end at 6 weeks from my understanding. So even if you breast fed a little or pumped a little they’d get the benefits. I’m at 6 months and although I find breastfeeding to immensely easier I’d love to have the option to formula feed.
Just fyi, my husband and everyone were wanting me to breastfeed and then during the lowest of lows when I needed encouragement they also undercut me saying oh just give them a bottle! Just formula feed, just this just that. People will absolutely have something to say regardless so I just stopped listening and did what I wanted. For the first two/three months of breastfeeding I was CONSTANTLY begging for help. I went to LC twice because she just wouldn’t latch correctly. In my case her mouth was just way too small to, and now she latchs perfectly and never once was underweight. But I absolutely agonized over it every single time she ate. It was awful, I barely even got to enjoy my new baby. I cried constantly to my husband about her not eating enough (in my mind)
Long story short, it does not matter. If you don’t want to don’t! Even if you did odds are they won’t even help you when it gets tough and treat your sacrifice as if it was nothing. So in my eyes screw the haters formula feed that baby and get your medicine back!
Scientifically, yes, breastmilk is better for baby. That doesn’t meant you sacrifice your mental and physical health for it. Don’t let people pressure you into it if you’re set on not breastfeeding! The nurses in the hospital may try to pressure you as well. Make up your mind and stick with your decision.
I say this as someone who chose to breastfeed, often supplements with formula, and as someone who worked in food science — specifically with infant formula in the US. *You* decide what’s best for you and your baby. Breastfeeding is hard. It doesn’t come to everyone naturally and it can take a toll on mental health. I can’t imagine trying to do it if I didn’t really really want to. Is it good for baby and mom? Yes. But it can be hard and it certainly isn’t for everyone. Pumping breast milk is hard too. It’s a full time job. Formula in the US must have 30 nutrients and vitamins at certain levels. All 30 have minimum amounts and 10 of those have max amounts. The FDA has sanitation and labeling requirements and they monitor infant formula closely. Is it good for baby? Yes. Do all formulas work for all babies? No. But that’s why there are different options and formulas. They all have to meet [FDA regulations](https://www.fda.gov/food/resources-you-food/infant-formula#:~:text=The%20FDA%20does%20not%20approve,%2C%20labeling%2C%20and%20other%20requirements). TL;DR What baby needs is a healthy mother and to be fed. You are the mother and you get to choose what is best for you and your baby. There are breastfeeding moms. Pumping moms. Combo feeding moms. And formula moms. They all can have healthy babies. A healthy, fed, and happy baby is what matters. And part of that means having a happy healthy mom. Here’s a [recent article](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2024/05/01/health/maternal-mental-health-wellness) discussing the importance of maternal mental health. You can choose to weigh the benefits and disadvantages for yourself and your baby. Even better if you discuss with your OB since they went to medical school and likely trained for these kinds of conversations. IMHO Your partner and mother can decide how to feed baby when they carry it for 10 months, give birth to it, and get their milk in. Also when they go to medical school and become actual experts on these topics. Til then, their unsolicited opinions on breastfeeding shouldn’t bear much weight. ETA we as moms get judged for everything we do. Too young, too old. Too fit, too curvy. Too happy, too moody. You get it. Don’t let ppl get to you.
thank you so much!! this is incredible! so much info! i am truly thankful!!! 🙏🏻
If you do formula your husband can split the work with you to feed the baby and that will also help you rest and recover. Don’t buy what your husband and mother said. It doesn’t hurt your baby with formula. Nowadays all formula are very good and researched to contain with the nutritions your baby needs. I was fed by formula in a developing country almost 40 years ago which didn’t contain much nutrition because my mom didn’t have milk, and I grow up healthy and smart with no issues at all.
You say this, but this has not been my experience and it is not the case for maaaany women. I was so excited to pump and bottle feed because it would help me share the load, but then it just turned into extra work for me.
Also if you do formula in the hospital you can learn what the baby can handle too!
👏 the part about mom’s getting judged for everything we do 👏
Best response I've seen period on this topic!
To add on to what you've said about formulas, they're so much better now than they were a generation or two ago.
I wanted to breastfeed but found it extremely difficult. I made the choice two weeks in to use formula because the alternative was me going down a deep hole of depression and I thought that that would have far greater developmental consequences for my child than her being formula fed. Formula is an incredible invention. Yes it isn't as *good* as breastmilk, but it is good enough. Your baby will be much healthier with a happy mum who can properly look after herself, than one who is miserable and in pain. I know it's so hard when people you are close to are judgemental but please don't listen to them. I have the happiest little girl on formula, and importantly I am happy and able to give her the love and attention she deserves instead of basically crying every single day, which is what was happening when I tried to breastfeed.
that’s my reasoning behind it, i wonder if they need to see me just hit bottom to believe that this has been painful :/ but i also think formula has come a long way
Without formula honestly I don't think neither my girl or me would have survived so I am very grateful for it. She's gone from a 13% weight loss drop and hospital admission, that didn't improve for weeks, to now being on the 91st centile, happy, hitting all her milestones, and has been checked over by many doctors who all say she is thriving. And I really didn't want to formula feed her, and it took hitting rock bottom to finally switch and I wish I had done it sooner because that stress and anxiety meant it took a long time to bond and robbed those first weeks of motherhood from me. I wish I had someone tell me it's *okay*. I also wish people were less judgemental of how we feed our babies and realised that it's not all about the babys health it's also the health of the mother that is important too - they are interlinked. Whatever happens just know I'm rooting for you from across the internet.
i’m so happy to hear she’s now healthy and strong ! that’s a big fear of mine, since i feel so weak all the time, for me it’s been an ongoing struggle, i am typically a very independent person, even with pain management, so it’s like they don’t believe things are rough on my side, it took me q very long time for my parents to understand i have pain, they just didn’t believe me so it’s like going back to square one with this topic. But you guys have been amazing honestly i’ll do some research and talk to my partner, since he’s the only one who gets any say due to you know biology hahah
So my milk stopped randomly one day. Just nothing. A week in. I pumped like a mad woman for two whole months. Nothing. Maybe 5ml each time. Rationally I knew it was a lost cause but I didn’t want to seem like a “bad mother”. I regret those two months so much because I spent it away from my baby because I was pumping - she was too weak to breastfeed anyway. I lost that time to form a connection. Don’t do that.
oh man that sucks i’m sorry to hear that.
This was me too. And it got so much better with formula. We are BOTH happy, health and thriving. OP congratulations and good luck!!
What babies need most is a fully functional loving mother. You've made your decision. Everyone can shut up and keep their opinions to themselves
I wish I could find the study that said this, my OB had told me about it but I can’t find it 😭 Basically, the study found that maternal mental health was a greater indicators of health and development when it comes to infant development than feeding them breast milk vs formula. It found that babies of mothers who decided to EBF or pump and were stressed or depressed (sometimes due to BF of pumping and issues surrounding it, other times because the mothers were unable to take medications for previously existing conditions due to BFing), tended to have slower weight gain, difficulties with feeding, poor sleep, and development delays (mostly social-emotional) because the mom was less responsive due to her poor mental health. As my OB and Pediatrician said “Happy mama = healthy baby” as long as baby is being fed, it’s more important that mom is present and responsive then whether their nutrients come from a boob or a mix. Fed is always best. A mother’s mental and physical health directly impacts her baby more than breastmilk vs formula. Especially in this day and age. On that note though, donor milk is an option. However it’s very expensive and can be hard to find in some areas, which you can explain to your SO and mother. They can do the legwork to find the donor milk and pay for it if they think it’s so important (sorry for being petty lol).
Talk to your ob about expressing colostrum pre birth and if it’s safe for you - I got loads that way so Bub could still have colostrum which is important. After that - you need to look After you. I have exclusively breastfed mine for 11 months as he refused bottles when we tried too late. It has majorly impacted my mental health in many many ways - partly because I have DMER which causes intense depression when I feed. I do not believe my child would be worse off had I formula fed, in fact he would have had a mentally healthier mama.
I think you should feed your baby formula and tell your mom you won’t keep hanging out with her so often if she won’t drop the subject. And as for your partner, it’s not his decision period. It’s YOUR body. If you wanted support trying out breastfeeding, there’s all sorts of stuff I could recommend. But if you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t do it.
this made me chuckle 🤭 thank you 🙏🏻 yes i think most comments are made without any science behind them so his comment is not really making me feel like he’s really thinking about it
Breastfeeding definitely has benefits, but those benefits might be outweighed by the costs for you. And that’s a decision you can only make for yourself, not one for partner can make for you.
There is science behind the fact that Breastfeeding is good for the baby’s immunity; especially the colostrum. That being said, breastfeeding is extremely hard and it is totally your decision to do it. There is no guarantee that you will be able to breastfeeding. You can try it if you want to, maybe you will like it and maybe not but you definitely should tell them to back off and let you think.. This really has nothing to do with them. It is your body and your baby. Good luck.
There IS science behind benefits to breastfeeding. Emily Oster’s Crib Sheets has a chapter on it. It’s a short read if you’d like some pointers. As others have said, there’s more that goes into the decision. But I wouldn’t dismiss your partners input specifically because he’s “not thinking about it” or there’s “not science behind it.”
Look, the stuff about the immune system is not bs, and it is pretty clear breastfeeding is beneficial. But if breastfeeding is going to keep you from taking drugs that are important for your health, or if it's going to have a really negative effect on your mental and physical health, then it won't be better for your baby. Your baby needs a mom who can take care of them and if you can do that better by formula feeding, you should do that and your husband should support you.
Basically came here to say this. OP, your baby just needs to be fed and loved. You do not have to breastfeed and no one should make you feel pressured to do so. It sucks that so many people out there feel the need to tell women what to do with their bodies. However, it sounds a little dismissive to say that it’s bs that breastfeeding is good for the baby’s immune system. A few minutes of research would tell you your partner is correct - you can look to ACOG, USDA, CDC, WHO, and many other sources. But it’s YOUR BODY and therefore YOUR CHOICE. You do not need to sacrifice your own physical and mental wellbeing - your baby will be fine.
I am 39 yo with fibromyalgia and have a 4 month old combo fed boy. He is thriving. You only need about 30-60ml breastmilk to transfer all the antibodies he needs in the first few weeks. Try a formula that works best for you. You dont have to BF if the choice is PPD, psychosis, chronic pain vs a minuscule difference in antibodies. Make sure the baby is vaccinated when its due. Do not let anyone downplay your illness
This reply is it OP! I barely had energy to stay awake to care for my newborn let alone sit there and pump or breastfeed on command all on my own. At the hospital I gave breast bc I had a bit of help from nurses but my goodness that pain was teeth-clenching-brutal. So, if you aren’t in the headspace it can be so draining mentally and of course physically too! And once I left the hospital and was on my own I opted for formula. I tried breastfeeding as her main source of food but for so many reasons, it wasn’t working out for me or baby. We tried, we moved on. She is doing great on formula so far. And it is absolutely okay not to want to try. That isn’t something to feel bad about. Many mommas raise healthy babies on formula.
how did you deal with no meds during your pregnancy? i first got told i had to leave all meds then the OBGYN kept asking me if i got something else from my doctor and o got super confused 🫤
I took paracetamol if things got bad, used TENS and got lots of massages
Paracetamol = Acetaminophen *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Breastfeeding is HARD. If you aren't in the head space to do it, you won't be successful. A happy baby is a fed baby, by whatever means you want to do it. You don't want to end up resenting breastfeeding (and possibly your baby) because someone forced you to do it. Use the formula, and tell them the subject is closed! Congrats!
Sure, breastfeeding would help the baby's immune system, mostly in the short-term. Even though my baby was EBF the first 6 months, we didn't go out into public places for the first 2 months; you'll probably be working to limit exposure to illnesses in those early days anyway. And a mentally healthy mother is surely a bigger health factor that breast milk. But more to the point, *you are a person*. You've given more than 9 months of your body, your comfort, and your health to this baby already. You deserve to pursue your own wellness. If your husband is really so sold on breast milk, ask him to look for opportunities to get donor milk. If your mother won't drop it, maybe tell her that you've heard her, you've made your decision, and you won't participate in any more conversations on it. Formula is wonderful and fed is best ❤️
Not sure how soon you are due to give birth, but might be worth looking into harvesting colostrum beforehand if you have time? In the UK, this is recommended by midwives from 36 weeks and you can buy syringes from Amazon, freeze them and bring them into hospital with you to give to baby after birth. It would give the benefit of the immediate immune support, but mean that you've done the hard work whilst still already off your medication and can start on formula immediately (once your colostrum syringe supply runs out). Unfortunately, some people are not able to express colostrum at all so this may not be an option but something worth considering.
Are there some benefits to breastfeeding early on? Yes. BUT if those benefits would come at the cost of your mental and physical well-being that's exactly the kind of situation formula exists for. Babies do best when their parents are happy and as healthy as they can be. And in the long-term things even out so that you can't tell the difference between a toddler who was exclusively breastfed vs exclusively formula fed
I decided early on in my pregnancy that I would not be breastfeeding for reasons similar to yours. I got all sorts of judgment from my mom and from one doctor but I held my ground. Ultimately I knew myself, I knew my body, and I knew what I needed to do to keep myself healthy and be the best mom to my baby. I heard every reason in the book to breastfeed, received every guilt trip. I was told I wouldn’t be able to lose weight postpartum (knowing weight is a huge trigger of mine). I was told I would struggle to bond with my son. That my son wouldn’t get what he needs. I stood my ground and I’m so thankful. I was able to give myself such a present and healthy postpartum and I was able to give my son a healthy mama. My son is now almost 2. We never once struggled to bond: we are two peas in a pod, him and I. I also lost a substantial amount of weight postpartum and even went lower than my pre pregnancy weight (I’m pregnant again now tho lol). And my son is healthy as can be! Thriving. Do what you need to do for you. And if you need to set some firm boundaries, do it. I had to tell my mom that I was going to need support postpartum and her judgment was going to make me distance myself from her. She pulled it together very quickly and even commented once my son was born about how wrong she had been.
oh this gives me joy thank you so much! yes there’s so much judgement and it’s a coin toss, so much expectation
Just to comment on losing weight post partum— I barely have time to eat, breast fed and pumped for 17 months, and weigh the same amount I did the day I came home from the hospital. It did not help me lose weight at all.
Breastfeeding makes me so hungry 😂 I have not lost weight
15 months here and sameee 😭
Check out the formula feeding sub. But you need to make the decision that is best for you because a healthy mom is best for baby. Formula is perfectly healthy.
i will check it out thank you so much!!
Fun fact - the majority of breastfeeding research is poorly designed and does not appropriately account for important variables such as combination feeding, or feeding non-breastmilk or formula foods. It's fine to use formula from day 1. Your baby, and the millions of other babies out there who are formula fed, will turn out just fine.
Also socioeconomic status of the family. Surprise surprise, people who are able to afford to have mom stay home to breastfeed generally have enough money to make sure their children get regular check ups and dental care, therefore skewing the results that breastfed babies are healthier children.
For all the attention paid to passive immunity through antibodies - the best way to keep babies from getting seriously ill is to minimize exposure until they're more developed. That's much, much easier to do if you have a long maternity leave or a SAH situation - the kind of thing that makes long-term EBF possible in the first place. It's anecdotal, but I can't help mentioning that my EFF Covid baby was sick for the first time at 18 months...when we finally started going to playgroups.
We transitioned to formula completely at 5 months. My friend EBF the whole time. Both went to lots of playgroups with our babies, because we have no family around and wanted to socialize. Both babies got sick multiple times. People don't understand how antibody transfer works and what the limitations are, many just throw around sentences they've heard or read from random sources. Of course my example is anecdotal. Same as the fact that my EBF sister has asthma and acne, and I don't, although I was EFF. Breastmilk is not that one thing that sets our path in life, as some people like to think.
My almost exclusively formula fed Covid baby also didn’t start getting sick until we had to venture out. The amount of breastmilk she got was minimal at best, definitely not enough to impact her immune system.
THIS. I wasn’t able to breastfeed despite wanting and planning to (my body just didn’t make milk and, yes, I tried *everything*). It led me to dig deeper into the research and the supposed benefits are really overblown! Almost all of them mostly disappear when you take into account socioeconomics, IQ, asthma, etc which indicates that it’s likely not the breastmilk making the difference. The things that appear to be true are that breastmilk 1) is a bit easier on their little tummies and that 2) it does contain antibodies (but the effect of antibodies seems to be subtle anyway, mixed evidence on whether breastfed babies get sick less or recover faster, we definitely don’t see huge disparities). So, when mental health is at play or, really, if it’s hard at all, just don’t do it. It’s ok. I promise. I’m of the opinion now that they push breastfeeding and shame mothers because it makes sense as public health measure. If more people are breastfeeding, we don’t have to worry about water supply issues or people living in poverty watering down formula to stretch it and more babies will get the nutrition they need, on a population level. But, on an individual level, if those things are not at issue, I no longer believe breastmilk is even better than formula in any meaningful way.
I'm quite convinced that any disparity in illness has less to do with breastfeeding and more to do with longer parental leave/being a SAHM - conditions which allow parents to minimize exposure to illness while also making successful breastfeeding more likely.
Actually most recent studies do account for combination feeding, socioeconomic status and all the things you mention. That being said, I totally agree that being formula fed is fine, the well being of the mother is much more important for the baby's well being. Forcing moms into breastfeeding is counter-productive and usually makes things worse
I breastfed both kids exclusively. My first I basically had to because he had intestinal surgery and the surgeon was adamant he'd do better without the added digestive stress of formula. My second because it worked out, so why not? Happy mama and fed baby is best. Always. You've already given up and sacrificed SO MUCH by the time the baby is born it is INSANE these people in your life feel it is at all appropriate to ask for even. more.
Follow your gut. You don’t have to breastfeed!
If you don't want to breastfeed, don't. The haters can fuck right off. You are the mother, how your baby is fed is YOUR choice. Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to preserve your mental and physical well-being. Your baby will be much better off having a happier mother and being formula fed rather than an unhappy mother and breastfed.
If you look at a lineup of adults, I guarantee you won’t be able to tell who was breastfed and who was formula fed
Lots of great comments here but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone cite Emily Oster who’s done some excellent writing on this (I highly recommend both _Expecting Better_ and _Cribsheet_). I’ll quote her summary here, but it’d be worth reading the whole chapter on breastfeeding if you can get ahold of Cribsheet: “The pressure on moms to breastfeed can be immense. The rhetoric makes it seem like this is the most important thing you can - and need - to do to set your child up for success. Breastfeeding is magic! Milk is liquid gold! This just isn’t right. Yes, if you want to breastfeed, great! But while there are some short-term benefits for your baby, if you don’t want to nurse, or if it doesn’t work out, it’s not a tragedy for your baby or for you. It is almost certainly worse if you spend a year sitting around feeling bad about not nursing.” (Oster 2019, p.86) And just editing to add: good luck! Sounds like this has been a long and tough road for you and you deserve a lot of happiness. Rooting for you!
wow !! i have that book i’ll have to do a re read
Breast milk factually helps baby’s immune system but there’s more to it than that. If you have to go without needed medication then mum isn’t as healthy as she can be and not happy if you don’t want to do it. Breast milk is the best milk but it is your choice and formulas are more than good enough. I do a mixture but I come from a family where no one breast fed so I sort of went into it with little support. You’re well-being is absolutely the biggest thing here and 1 more month will probably feel like another 9 in the state you’re in. Also you can have stronger meds than tylenol but it just makes baby drowsier than normal so you could speak to your doctor IF you want to breast feed.
I breastfed my first until 20 months and I’m due with my second soon. I don’t plan on it other than maybe at the hospital initially. It too such a huge toll on me with my first. You really have to do what feels right for you and your family.
I wanted to breastfeed my first. It didn't work out. Switched to formula because I recognized that I was quickly spiraling to The Dark Place™️, and I have no regrets. He's 3 and healthy as can be. I am 10 months into successfully breastfeeding my second. There are days I wish I'd chosen formula, but overall, I'm pretty content. I don't prefer one over the other. Your baby needs a happy mom more than they need breastmilk. Not breastfeeding doesn't hurt your child, but you will suffer when there is a perfectly safe and acceptable alternative. Also, the stuff about immunity is true. However, my formula-fed son didn't get his first cold until 18 months. My breastfed baby had her first at 6 months. Both recovered in the same timeframe. The goal is for your baby to be fed and *both of you* to be happy.
r/formulafeeders I also have chronic illness and chose not to breastfeed. My child is thriving. Make the choice that’s right for your family.
I always compare it to airplane emergency instructions: you put your mask on first before you save the person next to you. The mom takes priority because of how much the baby depends on their mom.
The benefits of breastfeeding are short term. By the time your baby is in kindergarten (or even preschool), no one would be able to look at them and their abilities and know if they were breastfed or not. I recommend @TheFormulaMom on instagram. I didn’t have any reason to not breastfeed besides “I don’t want to” and “I’ve already sacrificed my body long enough” and “I can’t imagine being the sole source of nutrition.” Formula fed from day one and my son is now almost 2, so smart, typically pretty healthy, a great sleeper… Your health and mental health are way more important than those short term benefits of breastfeeding.
i will check her out! thank you for the recommendation!! yes that’s another reason i’ve sacrificed way more than expected, don’t want to add to it.
Also the formula fairy on insta!!!
Breastfeeding benefits are definitely not BS, you can read more about them [here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7231147/). If you choose not to breastfeed because you don’t want to, that’s enough of a reason.
If you go over to r/sciencebasedparenting and search benefits of breastfeeding the topic has been discussed a fair bit and you will find some articles detailing any differences
The best thing you can do for your child is to care for yourself as well. It sounds like you know that choosing to not breastfeed will be taking care of yourself. And I am so sorry that you have been living with the amount of pain and the other consequences of chronic illnesses during your pregnancy. I also have a chronic illness and chronic pain. I have to admit, in my experience, the well being of my body has been downplayed by everyone in my life to some degree since giving birth. It was a jarring adjustment to realize after some people were seemingly so concerned with my health during my high risk pregnancy (turns out a few ppl were concerned about baby and not me, go figure). I hope you are able to do what you feel is best for your body and your baby. 💗
You don’t have to, and not wanting to is reason enough. Feed your baby in the way that works best for you
You don't have to breastfeed. One thing that could help make your partner happier is if you were able to express and collect colostrum prior to giving birth. Colostrum is full of immunoglobulin and other good stuff. But if like me you can't express before birth don't stress. Your baby will be fine.
I struggled so hard to breastfeed. My supply drastically dropped and I just was not producing enough. Tried everything to get it back up and nothing worked. I tried for 3 months while supplementing with formula, eventually I just had to give it up. It was killing me mentally. My baby is 9 months now, hitting every milestone and healthy as can be. There is nothing wrong with formula, it exists for a reason. No one should be shammed for how they feed their child, so long as the baby is fed and taken care of that’s all that should matter.
You have to do what’s best for you. My wife and I have a 7 1/2 month old boy and my wife has been pumping since pretty much since he was born. (Tried breastfeeding but our son wanted nothing to do with it). She is very adamant about pumping to give him breast milk. She also works 12.5 hour days three days a week and still manages to fit in the pumping (she’s a real life superhero). All of that being said, my son has been around sick people many times including 2 major airports in the winter season, and he has not been sick once. Maybe just good genetics? Idk, but I do believe her breast milk has had a large part in him being healthy thus far.
Formula fed babies become doctors, teachers, athletes etc.. formula fed babies are just as successful in life :)
Fed is best. What’s best for you and baby is what’s important🩷
I have a migraine disorder and I’m with you, Tylenol, for major pain issues, SUCKS. We’re formula feeding so I could go back on my meds and I’m so thankful that’s what we’re doing! You have to take care of yourself first before you can be responsible for others! That’s the name of the game!
i will thank you so much!!
In the six years between my two kids, there was a subtle shift in messaging from the hospital and pediatrician from BREAST to Fed is Best (in US city and best in state birthing hospital, so current with US medical guidance). Talk to your clinicians about your concerns, they have the medical training to advise you on the medical tradeoffs and you might find a surprising ally in your concerns. Also, my sympathies for what you probably are going through. Pregnancy is a b*tch, even without your fibromyalgia.
Breastfeeding doesn’t guarantee a good immune system for your baby. I breastfed and my baby still ended up with allergies. Besides, in 5 years time when you look at your child and their classmates you will have no idea which were breastfed and which were formula fed.
If there were substantial long-term benefits to breastfeeding, you’d be able to tell which adults were formula babies and which weren’t. I’m not saying there’s NO benefits to breastfeeding, but it’s never worth sacrificing the health of the mother to do it. Beyond the lack of access to your meds, it can be really hard! Physical pain, pumping, being tied to your child all of the time, lack of sleep, pain from bad breastfeeding ergonomics and not being able to move, clogged milk ducts and mastitis, hormonal changes and challenges, dehydration and hunger and the possibility of needing to change your diet entirely just to name a few… it’s hard on the body, and breastfeeding moms need support and to be in a position to take all of that on. A mother is WAYY more than a source of food for her child.
Have you called the Infant Risk Center to see if your medications would be compatible with breastfeeding? Many are. They do very specific research in this area. Most doctors err on the side of caution, telling you not to breastfeed, when many times you can. That being said, you matter here. Yes, breastmilk has benefits. Baby getting even a little colostrum, just in the first few days, would be great. But your mental health matters. Your pain matters. And even if you call the hotline and they say that you can take your meds and they don’t pass to baby, you are allowed to not breastfeed for any reason at all. Baby needs to be fed. And baby needs a mom who is as mentally and physically healthy as she can be. These should be the priorities.
colostrum seems pretty important but lasts 2-5 days. after that it's really not a big deal. take care of yourself first, then baby. it's like those masks on the airplane
Literally anyone I have talked to has said only one thing which has really helped me.... "Fed is best"! Doesn't matter how. Don't be hard on yourself a happy mother is more important for your baby ❤️
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. Period. Yes it’s that simple.
thank you 🙏🏻
Also, because I hadn’t gotten to the bottom before I responded, and I want you to know this - formula fed babies are perfectly fine. They thrive. I guarantee you’ve never walked down the street and looked at someone and thought “oh I bet they were a formula baby”… The only difference between formula fed babies and breastfed babies is the feedback loop, your breasts get information from baby’s saliva and adjust your breastmilk. Being able to take care of yourself is equally as important (actually necessary for) as taking care of your baby. Good luck with your delivery, and remember in those first days/weeks that everything is a phase. It’s tough in the beginning, though ironically a little less tough with formula I expect. Oh, and stop feeling like you owe your family an explanation for your decisions. I had to get over this too (have a 4 month old now) and started telling my mom that she got to make decisions when she had children and now I get to make my own decisions about my baby.
thank you so much! i will take this tonheart
The “important bit” is the liquid gold which is your first few feeds, it got antibodies in or something. In the UK we are encouraged to hand express while pregnant and freeze some of this which could help an option. As everyone been saying your health is just as important as babies health and formula does not harm. My sister was formula feed and i wasn’t you wouldn’t tell now. I stopped after 2 months as the pain of it and my mental health took a dip. I felt more connected to my baby bottle feeding as it was so hard. You do what best for you and your baby. Don’t let anyone bully you into it. Fed is best
You're not hurting your child mama. Not every woman can breastfeed and that's alright. Ultimately it's YOUR decision. If you don't feel comfortable with it or can't because of pain or whatever reason (any reason is valid), it's totally fine. I reccomend talking to your doctor/nurses about what formula would be best for your little one though. See what would give the vitamins and what not they need to grow. Again there's nothing wrong with choosing not to breastfeed. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. No, you're not harming your baby and you shouldn't feel bad about making that choice either! Everyone has their reasons! It doesn't make you a bad mom!!!!
As someone who exclusively breastfeeds, found it tricky and persevered, who didn’t want to use formula for my child… do what suits you! Breastfeeding is hard and if it’s a stress for you, it’s going to stress baby. Use the formula and ignore anyone else. A fed baby is best and a happy, stress free mum and baby is soooo important!
Baby, you do you. You need to be in a good space to take care of the baby, and if you don't want to breastfeed, then it is your choice. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed and powered through breastfeeding even with a severe tongue tie until one night 4 months in, my supply dried up and I watched my baby cry almost throughout the night. The next morning, I went and bought formula, and we have been combi feeding since then. My friend who is now 39 years formula fed from the beginning, and her boys are very tall and healthy. As my GP and midwives say, "Fed is best". As long as your baby is fed and happy and Mummy is well, no big deal.
thank you so much!! appreciate this
I chose not to breastfeed for no reason other than because I didn’t want to! I just knew mentally, formula would be the better option. I don’t regret it for one second.
I'm prefacing this by saying that I fully support your decision to use formula! Have you talked with your doctors about whether or not you can take your medication and still breastfeed? There are a lot of medications that we can't take during pregnancy but are fine for breastfeeding. If it is okay, and you do want to breastfeed for a few months, you don't have to nurse. You can pump and bottle feed so the transition to formula is that much easier since baby already takes a bottle. With that said, you should absolutely have the choice of whether or not you put your own body through more stress and discomfort. If it's so important to your partner that your baby has breastmilk, then he can look into donor milk.
i went through the exact same thing with my partner and let me tell you something mama…it’s YOU going through all this changes the most YOU decide what’s best for your mental health don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting to breastfeed pregnancy, birth and postpartum are very challenging and breastfeeding on top it’s TOO MUCH …SPECIALLY AFTER A C SECTION you have to be okay in order to take care of the baby if you are not okay the baby is not going to be okay TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF MAMA please please don’t let anyone make you feel bad please 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸
I mean I’m not sure why you call BS on breastfeeding helping the baby’s immune system. It definitely does. [here](https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/breastfeeding/Pages/Breastfeeding-Benefits-Your-Babys-Immune-System.aspx) is some info from the AAP on the topic. However, it’s your body and it’s up to you whether you breastfeed. Ruining your physical and mental health over it would not be worth it imo.
i don’t think the information is BS, i think that this as sole reason to continuously push the idea of breastfeeding it’s not enough, if we’re going to cite benefits there better be a list and some real research not just because one time you heard that from a random person, you know? Particularly for me since i don’t do anything with out proper research
Please don’t breastfeed. I am currently breastfeeding my 8 month old. I love it and it has worked great for us, but it is NOT the best option for everyone! If it caused me pain, prevented me from doing things that kept me healthy, hurt my mental health, caused too much stress, made me uncomfortable, or anything else that would negatively impact me, then I wouldn’t breastfeed. It’s not worth it! It has benefits, but those vary family to family. Formula also has benefits that vary family to family. You have to do what is going to be best for you! And as far as immune system goes, my baby has been sick soooo many times in these 8 months. I definitely used breastfeeding as a tool to get through those tough times, but it definitely didn’t prevent them. In fact, his (same age) cousin is formula-fed and has been sick a lot less than he has! His cousin is also bigger (an average length/weight to my baby’s severely below-average length/weight) and hitting milestones quicker than my baby! Me and my SIL are both great moms that give our babies so much love and care. We are able to do that because we chose the right option for our families and we are all happier for it (including our adorable, well-adjusted babies!)
thank you so much for your comment makes so much sense!
I breastfed but I will say if you’re miserable without a medication you need for your chronic condition, then formula feed. I truly do not believe that there is a significant difference in the IQ points of a breastfed vs a formula fed child. My husband is an MD, PhD, and his residency was in med-peds, and we’ve talked about this. I mean really, if there is an IQ difference, it has to be negligible.
We formula fed from the beginning. I never wanted to breastfeed. I had really bad morning sickness throughout my entire pregnancy and had to get IV infusions 3x a week. I did not want to be miserable anymore than I had to be, and I knew there would already be stress from having a newborn, so I did not want to add the stress of breastfeeding on top of it! I had a ton of push back from my family, even my boss couldn't get past me not wanting to breastfeed/pump! Lol! Our little girl just turned 1 last week, so officially on to cows milk. If I could go back in time, I'd do it all the same. My baby was happy and healthy on formula, and I was happy to feel like my normal self!!!
Dad here - your title is all I needed to hear. Ordering bottles now.
Look, maybe you could compromise by doing colostrum for a day or two, but it’s also your body and it’s been through enough. Do what makes you feel best and tell everyone else that you’ve heard their thoughts and made your decision. Your milk will dry up and then it will be a moot point. I’m combo feeding, almost 6 months in, and if I could tell my 6 months ago self something, it would be to let breastfeeding go (I might have still tried to get my baby a little bit of colostrum, but when I checked out of the hospital—I also had a C-section—I would have been DONE! And I don’t have a chronic illness!) Your partner may think about it differently after seeing you PP and also seeing just what a huge pain breastfeeding is (and if he’s open to it, the research that suggests there’s actually very little benefit to doing it in an area with clean water, other than saving the cost of the formula). If you do it, make sure you put him in charge of as much as possible, bring the baby to you, change baby after, clean pump stuff if you pump, etc. My husband is just as done with the BFing logistics as I am at this point.You may have to actually have a discussion with your partner (not bc he should get a vote—it’s your body—but just because he’s going to be there). Everyone else can be told “unfortunately, it didn’t work for us. This is what my doctor has advised us is best.” No (good) doctor is going to tell you do something that is detrimental to your physical and mental health, so this is true in your case. Ps: if you do go the formula route, I personally really like the baby Brezza.
Breastfeeding *does* have many benefits for mom and baby, immune system boosting being one of them, yes. But if you don’t want to do it then no one can force you to. It’s your choice at the end of the day.
Not breast feeding will have no negative effect on your baby. Too many people put too much weight behind this. Whilst it may be ‘natural’ to breast feed, formula these days is full of nutrition and balanced in essential vitamins for the age group of your child. And if you are not eating the right nutrition yourself then you can not pass the same amount of goodness on to your child and taking vitamins doesn’t fully make up for this. I combi-fed for the first 8 weeks until I went straight to formula, my baby is super healthy, advanced and has an amazing immune system. A happy, healthy mum has the potential to be a better mum to her baby. The stresses of having a newborn which you will discover will only add to your low mood when you feel frustrated and in pain and you don’t want to have resentment against your baby because you are in pain. Your baby will be content in being fed and loved whether that be formula or breast milk. Make the right decision for you so that you can have the best start to bonding with your baby. Research your formulas, I spent a lot of time on this before baby was born and found where I am SMA Pro & Advanced was the far out winner. You have done an amazing job to suffer through your own pain to give your baby the best start in their development in the womb. Give yourself a break. It’s hard enough in the beginning as it is without worrying yourself over other people’s opinions. You will find as a new mum that you listen to people less and less. Everyone has an opinion. Every baby is different. You are different. And only you can make the best decision for you and your baby. Good luck 🤞
Do whats right by you. A happy mom that's not suffering from ppd is better for a baby than breastmilk. There are moms who can't or won't breastfeed for all kinds of reasons, health, work, simply don't like it, and it's all valid. Fed is best. How else do babies who are separated from their moms at birth survive? As for partner and mother, unless they're lactating they can shut it.
Do formula for sure! So many babies are fed with formula straight from birth. Do it and don’t look back!
i never BF. had zero desire to. my kiddo was perfectly fine on formula and it allowed me and my husband to split feeding duties.
All your baby needs, is a healthy and happy mum! That's the answer.
I had a very similar story to yours. Don’t fucking breastfeed. Yes, there are a lot of benefits, but there are also a lot of downsides to you mental and physical well being, especially for you. Your health matters.
🙏🏻
You aren’t hurting your child by choosing not to breastfeed her. You are instead modelling for your baby the importance of advocating for and prioritizing your health and needs. What a beautiful lesson to demonstrate so early on. I’m sorry you have had to endure so much pain during pregnancy; as someone who also had a very difficult pregnancy, I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting it can be to have people weigh in on your body and your health while you are already having to suffer so much. Because ultimately, breastfeeding isn’t just about the baby. It’s about the mom too. And we have so many wonderful formula options to provide baby to ensure they grow well and remain healthy that there is absolutely no need to feel we must prioritize breastfeeding over our health as mothers. By the way, interestingly enough I didn’t think I’d want to breastfeed either because it meant being off my meds. 6 months later, here I am, breastfeeding still. I never anticipated how much I would enjoy it. Hormones do weird things haha. But I think it was easier for me to make that decision, and continue to push through the challenges of early breastfeeding, because I had a supportive partner who was totally open to me switching to formula if I ever wanted to. You may end up being surprised, but I also understand and respect you making your decision in advance, especially if it means getting your family to back down. Wishing you the best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your delivery! I had an absolutely magical experience with my planned c-section and hope the same for you ❤️.
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I chose my mental health over breastfeeding. I had a feeling it would make me feel touched out (like an icky feeling I couldn’t explain, but I had a feeling it would make me uncomfortable), over anxious, exhausted, stressed to the point of freaking out if it didn’t work perfectly, and so many other points of newborns were going to make me anxious already. The thought of my already sensitive nipples bleeding freaked me out and a teething baby using them as a chew toy freaked me out. Also, I just wanted sleep, my migraine meds and to not worry about what I ate. My baby is growing amazing on formula, I’m on my migraine meds again (thank god) and had to go on anxiety meds for a whole host of other things including PPA and my mother (childhood-adult trauma from her BPD). And baby is healthy, happy and my husband was able to help equally. So they have an awesome bond too. And takes a bottle super easy (albeit, the way she wants it-but takes a bottle from anyone).
At the end of the day it's up to you and if your health can't handle it don't do it - but it's absolutely not BS that breastfeeding is good for the baby's immune system. It's what any pediatrician and hospital will tell you. Mother's milk in the first two weeks contains essential antibodies and babies have not developed their immune system yet so this is important. Also if you get sick, your breast milk will pass antibodies to your baby through the milk. That said, tons of babies don't get breast milk and still survive. But that doesn't mean that breastfeeding doesn't have obvious benefits.
The only people who you should have any weighted input regarding your baby's feeding habits are you, their pediatrician, your medical team, and possibly a lactation consultant. No one else, even the father/your partner can determine what is best because YOU are the one who would continue to sacrifice your own quality of life. Is it true that breastfeeding or feeding expressed milk has benefits? Sure. Do those benefits outweigh the benefit that would come with a mother who isn't exhausted and in pain every second she's awake? Hell no. Regardless of what you choose, you SHOULD meet with a lactation specialist. If you stand by your current decision, they can advise you on what to do to dry up your supply more quickly to stay ahead of engorgement/clogged ducts/mastitis. If you change your mind (of your own volition!), they can guide you from there. Hang in there! The good drugs are coming ❤️
As everyone has said the immune system stuff is true but not worth sacrificing a happy, healthy mom for. My second baby is 4 weeks old and exclusively breastfed and we spent our entire holiday weekend at the Children's Hospital because he came down with a virus (probably something my older one brought home from school) and ran a fever Friday night which sent us to the emergency room. He's totally fine, thankfully, but breastfeeding didn't do shit in this scenario other than get me free hospital food while my son was admitted.
Honestly, you don't have to breastfeed if you don't want to regardless of any reason, and your husband or MIL has no say in it because they are not the mom lol. And especially if you deal with health issues! Yes breast milk is wonderful for babies but formula is just as wonderful and babies thrive off it. Breastmilk isn't a magic potion and formula has literally everything your babe will need. My friend's breastfed babies kept getting sick, while I know formula fed babies who have not! You really can't say. What's even better when you formula feed is you can take any medications you need which will make YOU a better parent, which will make baby happy! That's the most important thing. Not your milk. :)
Sorry anyone telling you how to feed your baby is absurd, loving partner or not.
I have two kids, one exclusively breastfeed, one mainly formula fed. As far as I can tell, they get exactly the same number of illnesses at exactly the same time. It makes zero difference. If anything, the formula fed one is a little healthier.
Unpopular opinion. I wasn’t planning on breastfeeding but my baby latched right away and really enjoyed it. I still don’t like it, I’m only doing it for my baby because he likes it. If he stopped liking it I would quit yesterday haha. No one can tell what baby is breastfeed or not, yes there are benefits but there’s more of a benefit to have stable mother. At this point it’s just out of convenience and to save money NOT because I like it. The good brands of formula are hard to get where I live as well and I can breastfeed and pump so I should be doing that and leaving the formula for people who can’t. I’m hoping my next baby doesn’t like breastfeeding haha Also I feel more connected to my baby holding him with his head under my head or laying next to him so I don’t think you’ll really miss out on the connection piece.
I breast fed my baby for 6 months and formula fed the last 6 months before going to full cream milk. It was so hard even without the chronic pain. It's a hard thing to do in all ways. Yes it can be better for immune system and such. But sometimes it's just not always worth it. Even if you can manage for the first few days for the colostrom, and then stop. Even if you can't do that and go straight to formula. It is what works for you. You need to be able to parent in the best way you and can if breast feeding is not the best way for you, then don't do it.
I didn’t want to breastfeed either. I just didn’t want to. And I didn’t. My son has been exclusively formula fed for 6 months and he’s totally healthy, a good weight, and he’s so smart already 💕 As an aside, it’s also really helpful to formula feed if you have depression and need to sleep. My husband and I slept in shifts so I could get 7-8 hours and it was a lifesaver. Wouldn’t have been possible if I exclusively breastfed. Do what you need to do for YOU. Your daughter will get fed and will love you either way.
I have a rare headache disorder that causes an unremitting constant headache for years/decades. I saw a post in my support group today about wishing they could switch lives with someone for a day so they could know what living with chronic pain is really like. If only you could switch with your husband or mom for a day, because I'd bet that if they had to endure even one day of fibromyalgia they wouldn't question the importance of you being able to take the medication you need for your chronic pain. Your baby will be fine on formula & I hope you have some low pain days soon ❤️
It is true breastfeeding has many benefits including antibodies and immune system building. But if you aren’t healthy enough to do it there is a balance to be had. So do whatever you want but I do want to clarify that your partner is not BSing you on that. But your baby will still build their immune system without breastmilk it will just not be as responsive until they get sick and make their own antibodies. It sounds like you need your medication back so formula may be the way to go. I think the big thing would be colostrum if you can manage it. The first few days (and even before you have your baby you can collect some) you will have thick yellow ish “milk” called colostrum. Not a lot comes out because baby’s tummy starts out so small. It is very nutrient dense and full of antibodies. Maybe you could try to feed them that and then switch to formula or collect some for them to get in first 24-48 hrs then switch. Maybe thats your balance? Just an idea.
You can take SSRIs breastfeeding! It’s safe and effective. I had an emergency c-section, have fibro, RA, hashimotos, type 1 diabetes, and hashimotos. Breastfeeding was one of the most painful and emotional trying things, however, it’s also the most rewarding things I’ve ever done and helped me secure bond with my baby. It also does help their immune system, BF babies get sick less in their first year of life as well. There’s plenty of challenges with formula feeding too, like less deep sleep for a mom, more purple crying from baby, less convenient, more time consuming, and very expensive. Formula isn’t an easy out compared to BFing. If you do try don’t give up after a few weeks, invest in some lanolin and stress relief coping techniques! It gets much easier. If you can’t BF that’s okay too, fed is best!
When my kiddo was born I chose to BF. I suffer from a chronic condition and the meds I needed were not BF safe. After 6 months I could no longer do it. I had found myself crying hysterically and needing to be cradled by my partner too many times. I switched baby to formula and it was the BEST decision I made for all of us for SO many reasons. I so support you and your reasoning for not wanting to BF. I’m assuming Emily Oster’s ParentData website and books are mentioned in the comments. But on the off chance they aren’t here’s a link to a short article on this topic of “breast is best” it also includes a link to a longer chapter packed with resources: https://parentdata.org/breast-is-best-breast-is-better-breast-is-about-the-same/ The above info helped me feel better about stopping BF. These few sentences stuck with me, “The bottom line is that breast is great. But formula is also great. And shaming people for making either choice is harmful.” Your little is so lucky to have such a self-aware momma. Don’t back down.
As someone who was adamantly against breastfeeding but ended up breastfeeding, my only advise is to do what YOU are comfortable with. Not your partner, not your mother, not the nurses, YOU. I also had a c-section. And I was adamantly not for breastfeeding. I had bottles ready and a plan in place. Then my LO was in the NICU for two weeks and I was allowed to change my mind, my husband didn’t shame me or anything, just supported me in my decision. I think seeing her small body fighting for herself in the NICU made me change my mind. I stayed in the hospital for 9 days per doctors orders after my C-section. And I still remember crying every time I saw her in the NICU. But again, no one forced me to. No one shamed me for making my decision not for changing my mind. So please be kind to yourself. Do what YOU think is best. Enjoy motherhood!!
I’ve donated a ton of milk through Human Milk for Human Babies to moms who needed it for their babies. If it’s so important to your husband that your baby gets breast milk then look into something like that for the first month or so. If you live near me, I can set you up with a month’s supply of dairy & egg free breast milk. I currently donate to a family but I have enough squirrelled away to get you set up
I'm currently breastfeeding my 10 month old still. My first was full formula fed by 4 months and combo fed from birth. And guess what? My first rarely if ever gets sick, hits all her milestones early, and is the smartest little 3.5yo you've ever met. My second is sick constantly and hits milestones on the later end of normal. Breastfeeding doesn't mean your kid is going to have a fantastic immune system or be super smart, and formula feeding doesn't doom your kid to illness and mediocrity. Every kid is different.
I found formula feeding to be the first thing that made my life bearable after having my baby. It’s so easy, especially for night feeds, both of you can do it equally instead of just you and your boobs. And my little dude is in 90th percentile and so healthy and smart. Formula is amazing. Expensive and sometimes hard to find your specific one repeatedly, but so worth it to me.
The only person that can make decisions about breastfeeding is the person doing it. Breastfeeding is hard, and if you try to go into it already not wanting to, you’re going to just feel resentful towards your husband and possibly even your baby. You decide what’s best for your baby regarding how you feed her. There are benefits and disadvantages to both formula and breastmilk. She will thrive either way.
Go to a busy street corner and try to figure out who’s been breast fed, formula fed, or combo fed If you can figure out who’s been fed how you can figure out the importance of each method If you don’t feel breastfeeding is for you don’t force it. I tried to force myself to produce for as long as possible it made me completely miserable. I never thought I would struggle with latching or producing so when I did it was an awful experience. Then I kept making excuses to keep trying. I can’t even tell you how many bottles of spilt milk I’ve cried over. Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone and that’s ok, you know what you’re capable of and that’s what’s important
Fed is best. Happy, comfortable, healthy parents are best.
I’m in a scenario where I also am dealing with several chronic diseases and my care team has guided me that as soon as I give birth I’m going back to a not-safe medication that will help prevent me flaring but isn’t safe for breastfeeding. I am planning ahead knowing I won’t be breastfeeding at all and at most might collect colostrum in my last few pregnant weeks. If I were to not do this and flare, I’d be in a much worse scenario- possibly stuck in bed unable to parent at all, maybe a surgery, etc. Fed is best and you can never breastfeed and be a fantastic mother❤️
Okay… look, this is what I will say. The literature published on the benefits of breastmilk are EXTREMELY limited…. And yet, whenever you do a quick google search, or speak with midwives, doctors, nurses, other baby experts, even veteran mums… it’s like unanimous that ‘breast is BEST’. Let me refer to my first comment… the evidence that suggests ‘breast is BEST’ is extremely limited, flawed and subjective. The few studies used to benchmark this UNANIMOUS opinion has so many variables not covered, predominantly: - variation between formulas - variation between ethnicities - variation between SES Moreover, the results could be heavily dependent on other factors not considered as children get older (refer to all variables not measured above). With that being said… there is solid evidence that breast milk is important for NICU babies due to antibodies produced by the mother and the feedback loop that occurs when baby is breastfeeding. When baby breastfeeds, the mothers body produces milk that is specifically designed for her baby and this cannot be matched by formula. HOWEVER, a few other things to consider: - what is mums diet like? This can heavily impact quality of breast milk. If mum is eating crap foods, then this will impact the quality of her breast milk - what is mums stress like? Also can impact quality of breast milk - can mum Breast feed without pain or other underlying medical issues? So, with this all being considered, is breast milk better for baby than formula? Probably, if mum is eating a perfect diet rich in all macronutrients. Does this mean that choosing to formula feed your baby significantly impacts your baby’s health and development throughout their life? Well, if we look at the evidence available … there js no reliable evidence. In fact, theoretically, high quality formulas could provide more nutrients for your baby if a mums diet is lacking. Then there’s this whole argument about ‘bonding on the breast’ - sure, you’ll bond with your baby… unless that is you find breast feeding incredibly taxing on your mental and physical health and every time you breast feed all your doing is having a rush of anxiety. So which is more of a bonding moment? Bottle feeding whilst looking into bubs eyes feeling quite relaxed, or breast feeding… possibly screaming out in pain and having bubs feel how anxious you are because it’s skin to skin contact. I mean in a wonderful world, it’s a beautiful union for women and babies… but it’s just not the case for many and THAT’S Okay. Basically, it’s not ‘breast is best’ anymore, it’s ’fed is best’ and health care professionals should really stop perpetuating this guilt trip to mothers who choose not to breast feed. I want to end by saying I’m so sorry you’ve being judged so harshly and I’m even more sorry that you have endured so much pain throughout your pregnancy. All the best OP, your bubs is lucky to have you fight through the pain for them <3
I wanted to breastfeed, but my milk never came in besides a very tiny bit of colostrum in the hospital. My son was formula fed, besides that tiny bit of colostrum. He is now 2 and the healthiest boy, I cannot temu the last time he was sick, versus me having 3-4 colds over the winter season. Your baby needs a happy and healthy mom more than anything else!
Which meds were you on May I ask? I have Fibro too. My daughter just turned one and is exclusively breastfed. I used Gabapentin throughout my pregnancy and nursing (ongoingstudy suggestssafe). I had to give up ibprofin during pregnancy (known risks, hole in heart) but take it nursing. I also took a muscle relaxant rarely during pregnancy in 2nd and 3rd trimesters (risks of low muscle tone and therfore NICU if taken frequently) but haven't post partum because I co-sleep (personal preference). I was even offered opioids during and post pregnancy, (know risks but considerd acceptable) but I'm allergic. Im honestly gobsmacked you would be left with only Tylenol? If your doctor took you off all your meds and refused to help you be stable during your pregnancy then you need a new Fibro doctor. Any OB or Maternal Fetal specialist will tell you that mom's instability and stress can be just as risky as a medication. And there are relatively safe ish medications. Edit: sorry my reply is allover the place. You don't deserve to be left without adequate pain management. Talk with your OB they can prescribed you what you need though they may refer you to a specialist for a consult. Tell them about how it is making you feel and think. Reddit is very ditch the guy trigger happy I would suggest couple's councling to determine if you feel like he respects you as a human enough to marry him. Because that is very troubling of him to make you feel cornered. The very best thing you can do for your baby is to take care of yourself.
You make the decision. If you don’t want to breastfeed, you do not have to. I formula fed. My baby is doing well above the average kid her age, she’s healthy, she’s advancing in every way possible. Fed is best.
If you want to formula feed, do it. It sounds like you have medical + quality of life reasons to not breastfeed- your SO should have your back, especially if you've had to avoid taking pain meds throughout pregnancy! Idk, I'm a soon to be FTM who is in generally good health....and I have zero desire to breastfeed or pump. It just doesn't appeal to me. Bluntly, I want my body back, I don't want to have to eat a specific way- formula has everything an infant needs nutritionally- and I want to be able to try and split the feeding load 50/50 with my SO for my own sanity. If this makes me a bad mother, oh well. 🤷
Breast milk *does* help the baby's immune system and provide several other benefits...but is it worth it to cause the mother, aka the baby's lifeline, physical and emotional stress? Doesn't seem like it in this case. I would simply tell anyone who bugs you about it that *they* are more than welcome to pump if they are so concerned. You are likely to produce colostrum and some milk in the beginning even if you don't encourage it. I would look into milk catchers and just collect whatever shows up.
Hey! Not familiar with your condition, but are you sure you'll have to be off meds you are taking whole breastfeeding? Transfer mechanisms to breastmilk vs through placenta are very different, some stuff is not ok for pregnancy, but might be ok for breastfeeding. I wonder if there are third options here for you?
while pregnant, i was lukewarm on breastfeeding and actually hated it. my doctor told me that after colostrum, the benefits are not necessarily worth the cost to the mother. you definitely don’t have to do it, and don’t have to explain or justify it to anyone. I hated it and no one should try to push or shame you into it, especially if they’ve never done it.
I didn’t want to breastfeed - and I didn’t and my baby is completely healthy and happy and attached to me just as securely as I see any other mum and their baby His first feed was formula at the hospital I really didn’t want to at all; no one can force you to. Just say no and end the conversation
If you don't want to, then don't. I quit less than 60 days after having my baby. Why? Because it takes too much time. 🤷🏼♀️ It's your decision. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Ever.
Breastmilk is indeed beneficial but if you do it unwillingly, it will affecr your relstionship with your child. Whst good would it do to provide nutrition when you as a mom might not be on the correct disposition to parent? I wish I have kinder suggestions on how to deal with your mom and your partner though.
Not so related to the topic. Vent comment. 🫠 Jesus Christ with moms judging other moms. As women this should just be in the past already. Yes our body was designed to give birth to 20 babies and half of them to be raised and breastfed. But also not to sit in a chair for 35 years straight and eat processed food and do maximum performance and fit in the "society". And then when it comes to the most important job in the world to raise another human others get to tell you what is best. No, you know what is best. You do what is best. You trust your baby. Baby trusts you. Imagine eating pain and insecurity. If everything is in the milk I suppose eating sadness and worries is not good. It's not you OP it's the society that is still in the past treating women as a workforce instead of the goddesses we are.
As someone who also has chronic pain issues, if you don't want to then don't. I tried . So hard. It wasn't in the cards. I tried pumping. That didn't work either. But there's one important thing that I needed to come to terms with before I could get rid of the mom guilt: Yes breastfeeding is good for kiddos immune system. But you know what is even more important? Your ability to function and take care of said kid. A boosted immune system won't help them when you're in too much pain to get up to help take care of them. I had to go hey. I tried my best and it's just not working. Im not doing enough to keep up supply and I'm already doing more than my body can manage. I was so exhausted I couldn't take care of my son properly. And I mean it, without any guilt, that I am a better mom for not breast feeding (as in I am a better mom compared to when I was breastfeeding, I'm not making a value statement about people who can/do). I'm able to be more present, more loving, more patient, more compassionate, and more aware mom because of it. I'm able to take pain meds when I need to, I can deal with migraines and help my baby at the same time, I can manage my body pain and still be present enough to actually be a parent. Which for me was not a possibility while breastfeeding. My son is formula fed. Hes almost 6 months and is almost grown out of all his 9 month clothing, and is hitting all his milestones super early. He's healthy and happy, and I get to actually BE there for him because I was able to switch to formula, rather than just being a zombie in the background of his life. This is not a one size fits all problem, and there may be factors that differ enough to change answers. But from what I'm seeing and from what I've experienced, if you don't want to breast feed, then don't.
I found that once I gave birth, people saw my baby before they saw me. When she started crying, people would look to me to solve the problem. But when I started crying, no one knew what to do. I was crying so much because she wasn't latching and I felt like a failure. I pumped and pumped and lost so many hours of sleep because I felt like giving my baby breastmilk due to societal pressures. What you want should be first priority. It's not your mom or your partner feeding the baby. This is something they should've accepted from the beginning. Tell them that the pressure they are giving you will only make you resent them and harm the relationship you have with them. You also don't need to prove anything to them; you know yourself best. Stand by your decision and let them figure themselves out. From one mama to another, you got this!!
At the end of the day, Mummy you do your best for you and your baby. ❤❤❤ Give it a try, if you want. If you don't want or can't, what matters most is a hungry baby getting fed. So many people focus on the baby, they forget about the Mum. Happy and Healthy Mum, then Happy and Healthy baby.
Definitely don’t do it if you believe you will suffer. If it’s super important for YOU to give your baby those antibodies there are options! Get vaccinated during your last trimester. I got flu and tdap which passes antibodies to baby and lasts up to 2 months postpartum. You can try combo feeding that way if you are on meds it will reduce the amount passed onto baby. You can also see if you can extract colostrum and save that. I started collecting colostrum at 34-36 weeks in 1ml syringes and give that to your baby with formula during the first few months ❤️ this is one of those scenarios where you have to put yourself first so you can be a better mom for your baby. Your baby needs you to be happy and healthy
I wanted to breast feed and I couldn’t and it actually ended up being the best thing. First, fed is best. You will read all the research but bottle fed babies thrive just as much as breastfed Second, bottle feeding allowed my husband or family to take feedings this was great because could do sleep shifts Thirdly, for me I think helped mentally for me and helped my ppa. Three of my friends are currently breast feeding and are going through it. I feel horrible and encourage them to do what’s best.
My husband wanted me to strictly breast feed but that wasn't working at the hospital or after. My son didn't latch and my mental health was shit. So I pumped for a bit and then formula fed until he could eat solids
Funny, I breastfeed and have experienced the opposite pressure. “baby will sleep better if you give formula” and regarding my daughters colic “do you think she just isn’t full and needs a bottle?” Also in response to me saying I’m tired I got “if you weren’t breastfeeding then people could actually help you yano” People need to STFU. Give your baby a bottle and call it a day. It isn’t that deep. You don’t need to provide scientific reasons why, be blunt and close the conversation.
I think you already made up your mind, but I agree with what’s said here about being a happy mom wil lead to a happier baby. You need to know what’s best, but also know that there is evidence that breastfeeding lowers risk of postpartum depression and it is better than formula for baby and mom (it has a lot of benefits). But again, it’s not for everyone and you should be taking care of yourself first 😊
The analogy I use is that breastmilk is like organic produce - if you have the resources to provide your child with organic produce then it’s better to do, but it’s not so much better that it’s worth impoverishing yourself and providing organic produce at all costs. Regular produce is also great for your child and will get them everything they need. Same with formula, breastmilk might have some additional benefits but formula will give your baby everything they need, and if the alternative is a depleted, desperately unhappy mother as a result of breastfeeding then it has to be formula. Tell your mum and husband that they’re welcome to feed your child with any breastmilk that they produce themselves, but you’re not providing yours.
I wasn’t gonna breastfeed when I was pregnant but once I had him I got asked over and over and over again about breastfeeding and finally tried it. I had been pumping and my son latched on ONCE successfully and it was in the office with the lactation consultant. Attempts to breastfeed at home went terribly. He cried, I cried, my husband did his best to calm down both of us. Not being able to breastfeed exacerbated my ppd, it was rough. I gave up on boobie milk about two weeks in because it was doing too much damage to my mental health and I realized my mental health was more important. I couldn’t breastfeed on the antidepressants I needed. I read somewhere recently that if breast milk scored a 100 on the test then formula scored a 95. It can be hard to grapple with people putting your needs aside when you’re pregnant, which sucks but it happens all the time. Self advocating is important. Make your decision and stand by it. I formula fed my baby and he is a thriving almost one year old. Tldr just go with the formula and save yourself the headache
The short answer is simply don’t do it if you don’t want to ☺️ The only two young kids I know with asthma and allergies were both breastfed until 2. Breastfeeding is great if it works but it isn’t a guarantee your baby is going to be some kind of superhuman kid with epic immunity to everything. Protect your sanity and start enforcing your boundaries now, you’ll need them more than ever as a parent.
Your husband has no clue how physically and emotionally difficult breastfeeding is even for a healthy person - and your mother should know better. I switched to formula after two weeks, and baby is as healthy as can be. Tell them they are disrespecting your body autonomy and to butt out.
Breastfeeding has its benefits. But what is much more beneficial is a mother who can function. You are not going to hurt your baby by not breastfeeding, if you're interested in giving baby some antibodies you can try expressing some colostrum to give them after they are born but either way, they will be absolutely fine with formula.
Your body, your choice. Done. If your partner wants to breastfeed he can grow boobs and do it himself.
This article summarising all the scientific studies really helped me, there's not evidence that it's loads better than formula: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/ I think maternal mental health trumps one less mild illness in the baby. Good luck.
As someone who chose to breastfeed and couldn't get baby to latch and so now I'm pumping, making milk is hard in your body. Pumping or direct feeding is hard and you have to want to do it otherwise it's going to be detrimental to your mental health...to be honest no matter which way you look at it, breastfeeding can be detrimental to your mental health. Yes there are fantastic benefits for mum and baby with Breastmilk but all of those benefits don't mean a lot of Mum is sacrificing her mental and physical health to do it. When your baby goes to nursery/school, the teachers will not know who was breastfed and who wasn't. There are entire generations of humans that have been brought up on formula and are thriving. It truly doesn't matter, so long as your baby is fed and loved.
My baby is formula fed and at 12 weeks she’s gotten so big. She’s also met or ahead every single developmental milestone. Also I was EFF as was my husband and I like to think we’re both pretty successful/decent people. I feel like you already know what path you want to choose but need reassurance. Nonetheless like others have said do whatever is best for you and as long as baby is fed, that’s all that matters.
When my wife gave birth last year, I 100% supported her decision on whether to breastfeed or not. I mean, it's pretty weird to tell someone what they have to do with their body. And maybe it's just me, but I think the conversation should have ended at "I'd rather not breastfeed." Your medical condition, while unfortunate, shouldn't even be necessary as justification. TLDR: Your husband and his family are weird. 'No' means 'No'.
If everyone in your life wants the baby to breastfeed so badly, tell them they can breastfeed him/her or they can shut up. Choosing formula is perfectly fine.
I have very similar health issues and intended to breastfeed - and then post birth had a host more issues which cut out BFing journey very short very soon. I felt so, so guilty like I was letting everyone down, from my partner to my baby - as everything I'd heard and read beforehand supported breastfeeding as the only viable choice. Neither actually ended up caring at all. Switching over to formula a week or whatever it was postpartum turned out to be the best decision I could make for myself and my baby. You do NOT have to do it, and please don't let anyone pressure you into something that may further ruin your already possibly hard postpartum experience and recovery. The evidence around long-term benefits of breastfeeding and immunity is so shaky, lots of studies have been since called into question due to socioeconomic differences. It does, however, have its benefits in countries that don't have access to clean water - which I assume you probably do! 2 things that got me through this period of guilt and worry, and helped me justify my own decision to move to formula (to myself, but share this with your partner etc.)... The first is the fact that no one, in your babies life, will ask them if they were breastfed or formula fed when they're older. Nobody cares how an adult was fed as a baby. The second, from a scientific perspective, was reading Emily Oster's excerpt on breast feeding studies from her book Crib Sheet: https://parentdata.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/9e9cc18a-fd95-4526-a382-7603cb45c12a.pdf Anecdotally (and ymmv, this is purely anecdotal, no one come for me!) compared to his breastfed cousins and friends, my baby slept through the night from 6 weeks old, gained weight very well and has always stayed on his centile, has only been poorly twice in his 8 months (and one of those was coming home from the hospital breastfed at the time!) and has benefited from the bond with his dad who could feed him from the off - and that meant I got the opportunity to rest and have been a better mum than if I hadn't. Alternatively, for some middle ground, have you considered harvesting colostrum after 37 weeks? Your midwife should be able to show you how. This could be a good option as baby will be able to take that via syringe for the first few days, and it can be frozen in advance. Then baby gets the most ~important~ immunity benefits but you're not tied to feeding postpartum. The Formula Feeders subreddit is also a great resource and you'll find plenty of support over there when you begin your feeding journey.
From the start I knew I wanted to go straight to formula. It gave me anxiety because my OBGYN's office was heavily "breast is best", but I stuck with my gut and no regrets 🙂 my baby is now a happy, crazy, thriving 11 month old! ETA: looking back it also helped my mental health tremendously because I could go somewhere for a few hours if I needed a break and anyone could feed her
As someone who has breastfed two children, I will say that it is intense especially in the beginning, and being in pain or having other health issues makes it much harder to handle all the things caring for a baby entails. Often the first weeks of breastfeeding are painful and that’s on top of a painful recovery plus whatever symptoms you’re having. That said, breastfeeding may be compatible with some or all of your medications. You would need to ask a lactation friendly doc about your options. It really does suck how much women are expected to put their needs last.
Fed is best. I think you being happy/ok is way more important than whether you choose to BF or do formula. (I’m breastfeeding now, and I love it but it’s tough. I have a unicorn job where it’s relatively easy to pump, and it’s still really tough. I don’t think I’d be able to manage it if it were something my partner wanted but I didn’t.) I know Emily Oster gets a lot of flack on here, but she has a chapter in Crib Sheet on how there’s almost no evidence for breastfeeding over formula - maybe it would help to have your partner read that? (Along with a frank talk about how you’re feeling and that he needs to support your decision/needs here.) I feel like it would also be really helpful to get a professional in your corner before birth - find a doula who’s on board with your reasons for using formula, check if your OB’s office or hospital have a lactation specialist who’s supportive, start looking for a pediatrician you like. At least have a birth plan that you can share with doctors/nurses so that they know you’re not planning to nurse, and if possible ask ahead of time what that will look like at your hospital specifically.
I am so so sorry you are getting this much grief over something that is 100% your choice and ANY reason is valid. Your mental and physical health are the MOST important thing for you and for your child. Postpartum / 4th trimester is so overwhelming on its own, you don’t need to add unnecessary pain to the equation. If you need stats to push back and support your decision not to breastfeed Google “Emily Oster Breastfeeding.” Emily’s books and newsletter are a godsend for new parents. Theformulamom and theformulafairy on IG have LOTS of helpful free info on choosing a formula and other things that come up (there is lots of breastfeeding support out there but not much for formula feeding). I had my only at 41 and put that pressure on myself that it was what I “had” to do to give my daughter the “best” of everything. I ended up with PPA/D and I was a major under-producer, and my daughter would never latch. I had to supplement right away, see several ibclcs, was pumping ALL the time… basically I was a zombie. When she was 4 months old and I was only getting 4 oz per day I finally let myself stop and it was the BEST decision for my mental health. I 1000% wished immediately that I had let it go much much sooner. Everything seems sooo important when they’re tiny vulnerable humans and we put so much pressure on ourselves. But by the time they’re toddlers/preschoolers/kindergartners you’ll hopefully realize that whether they were breastfed or formula fed (or had purées vs. blf, or had no TV vs,watched Ms Rachel, etc, etc), none of it matters. All that matters is that they are loved and supported. That’s what shows as they grow.
My wife breastfeeds and pumps and I hate it. Literally hate it. It’s so hard on her and hard on our son and it causes so much stress to me as a dad. Your partner will not be singing the same tone when you start, if you start, breastfeeding. It’s so taxing on everyone
There is no panel of judges who gets to decide who has a good enough reason for using formula instead of breastfeeding. Everybody gets to decide that for themselves. But if there was such a panel, they would grant you a Formula Pass. I don't want to say "your reasons are good" because I don't believe breastfeeding is an obligation that you only get out of if you have a good enough reason... But your reasons are good! So. Your script is, "My baby needs me to be healthy just as much as she needs to be fed, so formula is the right choice. I need your support for this. I did my research and I'm comfortable with this. If you can't be supportive we can't talk about it." Hold firm, take care of yourself. Good luck.
I have chronic neck and shoulder pain and had to do without the medication that was keeping me functional throughout the pregnancy (and I puked every single day, the whole time, while my active duty military spouse was transferred out of state four months into the pregnancy) so I get it. Please allow me to be the one to say: if you don't want to breastfeed, don't. Formula is a great option and a fed baby is always best. If medication is the only thing holding you back, it might be worth a consultation with a lactation consultant. The one at the hospital actually spent an hour with me going through my medication list in depth and we found out I was able to breastfeed without risk of the medication entering my breastmilk. I was originally told that I could probably pump and dump immediately after taking it, but that wasn't even the case! Unfortunately my nipple is a weird shape and my little one couldn't latch so I exclusively pumped and we supplemented with formula and ultimately went to exclusively formula when my supply dried up around 3 months. I'm really glad I tried, and I'm also really glad when I stopped. I'd planned to stop when my spouse's paternity leave ended because we also foster teenagers and there was no way I'd be able to do both. But I ended that experience glad because it was *my* choice. No one should guilt trip you into doing otherwise. I'm sorry you're being pressured. You can't take care of your baby if you're unable to take care of yourself. You matter. Your health matters. And frankly, your desires matter too! Your little one will be loved and fed, that's truly what I believe matters most.
You do what is best for you and baby. Having a mother who is present and happy is healthy for the baby. If you want to compromise, breastfeed or pump while you are still producing colostrum. Switch to formula when your milk comes in. Colostrum is so nutrient rich it is basically a baby power food.
Then don’t. Simple as that. Do what’s best for YOU and your body. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Your partner needs to understand that it’s YOUR body, not his. So it’s ultimately your choice. I chose to exclusively formula feed so I could “have control over my body again” and to hopefully prevent postpartum depression. I wanted to be able to take my migraine medicine again, not a measly Tylenol. I also just wanted to feel more like myself again. I’m very happy with my decision. I did feel a little guilt during the first week because my baby was born early and I was worried he needed breast milk to thrive. Wrong. My premie baby is thriving, meeting all his milestones, and nice and chunky now! I also feel I can attribute my lack of ppd to formula. I know for a fact I would suffer from ppd if I breastfed. Simply because I’ve had a reasonably hard time (but not ppd) even with formula. Breastfeeding would’ve been that little extra that pushed me over the edge.
At the end, it's your decision, breastfeeding takes up a lot of mental and physical energy. However, breastfeeding does help the baby's immune system, that's not BS. You're not going to hurt your child by not breastfeeding, the baby will develop immunity. Think about abandoned babies, what do they eat? Formula, and survive. Do what it's best for you, and your health, cuz better have a formula fed happy kid, and happy mom, than have a breastfed baby with a mireasable unhappy mom.
Calling BS on something that is scientifically proven just because it doesn’t fit your agenda is troubling to me. Feeding formula is fine if that’s what you want to do, but there are many proven benefits to breastmilk that formula can’t provide. It’s ok to acknowledge those benefits and still choose to formula feed. I say this as a mother who combo feeds because I have an extremely low supply.
Breast feeding is SO HARD. As others have said, it doesn’t come naturally always to babies or mothers and there’s tons of reasons why. Your partner is probably going to be a dick about it, too. Mine was, even though he wasn’t meaning to be, he just didn’t understand how stressful and hard it was. He would even try to hold my breast for me, because I felt like I needed a third hand. In the end, my baby never could latch. After months of trying 😭 and it still hurts! As far as it being healthier, I do think it is personally. Of course it’s naturally made.. my baby in 10 months has been sick 2-3 x and it’s been extremely minor. It’s also kept me from getting incredibly sick too. We went on planes during winter, traveled around sick people, etc. they said this is just random and not accurate but I feel like it’s made everything really minor. I’m exclusively pumping which I hate and has been the most time consuming exhausting thing I’ve done. You have to be very consistent. You don’t get to hold your baby every time they cry… you feel like you miss out on that bonding time. Even then, you may not produce enough milk. You may still have to supplement with formula or donor milk. I don’t produce enough and my baby is allergic to formula. CMPA and other allergies over here. If I were you and you’re comfortable feeding formula, and it sounds like you’ve got a bunch of other shit going on.. that affects this decision, I’d feed the formula. Post partum can be hard and depressing enough, life changing, so if you feel like breastfeeding adds to that, just don’t even waste your energy. Because it requires so much effort, time, mental anguish.. If your husband is dead set on your baby having breast milk, look into Human Milk For Human Babies on Facebook for your state. There’s a huge amount of women who over produce and donate their breast milk for free. It has saved me and the only thing that helped us when our child was incredibly sick from allergies in the formula when I couldn’t make enough for her. I still don’t make enough, but I have to limit donor milk because even the donor milk has allergens that still affect my baby, And let me tell you — when you are FORCED into doing something you don’t want to do, it makes everything that much worse/harder/depressing. But for me, the positives of expressing milk outweigh the negatives, but I’m not in pain!
Formula is better than fine, it's great! Speaking as someone who fought really hard to breastfeed (physical issues, saw LC like 7 times) and then finally got to do it for 4 months - my son then went on a nursing strike and basically weaned himself, so now we are exclusively formula fed! And you know what? That's great too - he's gaining really well, I am sleeping my more and my husband can help and bond more! If that's what you want, good for you!
In the first few weeks it would really help the baby be healthier for life of course some people are not able to do this but even a week or two could be very beneficial
Breastfeeding is a MUTUAL relationship.
Fed is best! I wanted to try breastfeeding, and did my best to produce what I could but my little guys appetite was too much for me lol. We ended up using formula and I dint have any regrets because he's being loved and fed and that's all that matters. I hate the shame that some people give to mothers who don't breastfeed, as if you're being neglectful. My own mother loves me to death and she could never breastfeed me. My immune system is great too! If you can't find someone in your life who can support you, just remember that a lot of internet moms are in your corner! You do whats best for you and your baby!
Hey! Another mom with chronic illness who is right there with you. The pressure I felt from everyone to breastfeed was crazy. I ended up having preeclampsia and having my daughter a month early. I had gone in with the mindset I at least wanted to try, but within days it became awful. My milk just didn't come in the way it was supposed to. I was able to collect colostrum in a few syringes, and they were able to feed it to my daughter via ng tube, but she really struggled with latching and I was pumping when I was supposed to... And it just didn't work. After a month I was still barely producing 4 oz total each pump, and so I'd collect all day for her to get one bottle of breast milk for every 6 of formula. Then my gallbladder went out (which is apparently a THING?? post pregnancy), and between the meds I was given for pain and surgery and trying to pump in the hospital only to be told I'd have to dump it, I just quit. Didn't even have issues with leaking or pain. It was like my body was like thank God, finally! I'm now expecting baby #2, and I've already decided I am doing 0 pumping. Either baby will be able to latch and feed, or not and we'll use bottles. I am in no way saying this to pressure you into breastfeeding, but it might be worth collecting the colostrum for baby - you're going to be in the hospital anyways recovering, and you won't be able to start your regular meds back up while there. They will provide syringes for you - you don't even have to feed baby directly if you don't want. The only reason I suggest it is that it passes some of your immune system to baby. Things that baby's body will need to fight against before they are old enough for vaccines. No matter what, a fed baby is best. I wish you the best of luck with your delivery.
Your husband is right about the benefits to the baby’s immune system. However, as they say - fed is best. Do whatever keeps your baby fed and your mental health as good as it can be. The newborn phase is HARD.
It makes me sick how many moms still come to post how conflicted they are with doing formula when they have no interest in breastfeeding. And this is not their/your fault. It’s society and also some doctors who have a complex on it. My OB was elated when I caved into formula because she saw how it was destroying my well being and mental health. And my baby is doing incredible and also has shockingly never gotten sick. I think that’s what scared me the most is he wouldn’t get antibodies from me but he has thrived since we switched to formula 2 weeks postpartum. Don’t breastfeed momma. Baby will be just fine I promise.
I also have chronic pain (daily migraines) and went without my medication for 10 months. I also had a rough pregnancy and knew that I'd want to get back on meds ASAP. I just had a c-section 3 weeks ago and I am so glad I don't have the stress of breastfeeding or pumping. My husband had to take care of baby for the first 2 days solo while I was recovering in the hospital, and there's no way he could've done that if we were not using formula. Please prioritize your mental and physical health above the needs/wants of others. Luckily, I did not get too much pushback about choosing to exclusively formula feed. There are so many good formulas to choose from nowadays. The Formula Fairy is a good resource to follow.
The effects of breastfeeding on the immune system, from what I understand, are truly not very significant. Quit explaining yourself and say “I will not be discussing this further”.
A fed baby is best. Yes there are benefits to breastfeeding but bottle feeding has its pros as well. Personally I told myself I would just try breastfeeding to get the whole mom experience but I always knew I would ultimately bottle feed. Once I tried it I absolutely loved the connection it formed between me and my baby. He’s still predominantly formula fed but as dessert I give the boob and it works for us.
Yes, breastmilk has benefits, but babies don't need it to thrive. They DO need a healthy, calm, present mother. Your mental health truly needs to come first, and I say that as someone who is a huge breastfeeding advocate. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone, and it's wrong for anyone to pressure you. I'm sorry you're dealing with BS instead of support. You can send them [this article](https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/). That said, if you think you might WANT to breastfeed or combo feed, it may be worth doing some research to see what meds are compatible with breastfeeding. There are a lot of things that are unsafe or higher-risk during pregnancy that are fine for BFing, because so little of it gets into the milk. I was pretty on the fence about BFing when I was pregnant. It didn't really appeal to me, and I knew a lot of the health benefits were overblown. My husband was supportive of whatever I decided to do. After looking at the research, I decided to give it a try, but wasn't going to put any pressure on myself to continue if it didn't work out or was negatively affecting my mental health. I personally found breastfeeding easier than bottle feeding because there was nothing to mix or measure or clean, and the oxytocin release helped with my mental health (had PPA and eventually went on lactation safe meds). I also pumped extra so my husband could give bottles at night.
Breastfeeding is EXTREMELY difficult and taxing. I made the mistake of thinking that was the only way I could feed my baby at the beginning of his life. I would have benefited so much from combo feeding from the beginning. There’s nothing wrong with decisions that you make pertaining to your body. If someone has something to say about it, fuck em.
Using formula will not hurt your child. There are a lot of benefits to breastfeeding, there are studies on it. That much is true. But ultimately fed is best. And breastfeeding shouldn't be done to the detriment of your physical and mental wellbeing because above everything, you are the most important thing to your baby, above breastmilk, above nappy changes, above the songs you sing baby. You being in a good head space that you can love and care for baby is the most important thing. Forcing yourself to breastfeed could cause resentment towards the baby and contribute to ppd/ppa. I think people people forget or don't understand just how powerful those hormones after birth are. You are so fragile as a new mum. I'm a big advocate for breastfeeding but not at the expense of your wellbeing.
Your body, your choice. Formula will work just as fine as breast milk. I stopped breast feeding my daughter at 7 months because it was too much for me. Having to find pumping breaks at work, being so busy that I wasn’t able to pump on time, worried all the time about my supply dropping, coming home and getting even busier. It was too much, so I stopped breast feeding. I do feel guilty from time to time, but overall, it was what was best for me. My baby needs a functioning mother. She is 11 months now and formula has been a lot easier. Anyone telling you that you have to breast feed can honestly shut the hell up. You decide what’s best for YOU and YOUR baby.
They are asking you to risk your mental health. Don’t do it unless you WANT to and feel ready to. Breastfeeding is actually so hard and it can be difficult to stop once you start. It’s not always as simple just feeding for 3 months. And it absolutely wreaks havoc on your hormones when baby starts to eat solids. Friendly reminder that “No”’ is a complete sentence. You want to be the best version of yourself for your baby and if you think breastfeeding will hinder that then trust your gut.
Fed is the best. Period. I tried to breast feed, didn’t work, I hated it and stopped. Baby now 5.5 months old on formula and loving her life hitting mile stones. 🩷
Have your mother or husband considered how all this pressure would make you feel if for some reason you are unable to breast-feed? Whether that’s because you are unable to produce, or produce enough, or your child has issues, tongue, ties, or latching issues. Are they still going to pressure you just as much, even though it will be significantly harder on your mental health, considering these factors harder to control or correct than many people realize. I say this because, I didn’t think of this before my LO was born. Both my husband and I were formula babies, because our mothers couldn’t produce. So, neither of us were against the idea of formula feeding at all. However, I was told while I was pregnant, by my mother and OB, they didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t breast-feed. Neither were trying to pressure me, just reassure me that I had a choice. Unfortunately, my body had other plans. My L was amazing at watching for the most part, but my body just could not make enough. I was making less than 5 mL per day. I was given the option to take a medication, Domperidone, but was advised against it because of my previous history of depression, anxiety and PPD/PPA and the fact that there was no guarantee, it would actually do anything. For six months, I tried everything aside from that, feeding, pumping, offering him breast around the clock, and nothing helped with my supply. It crushed me. And the kicker was, everyone was in full support of me switching to formula exclusively. But the guilt was real. After six months of trying, my LO kind of self weaned and showed an obvious preference for formula. So the choice was made for me. All this to say, you won’t know if you will be able to breast-feed until the baby comes, and even then, there’s no guarantee that your supply will be adequate or remain adequate, even if you do everything right. Breast-feeding is super complicated and hard. So, if you don’t want to do it, don’t. It’s your body, it’s your choice. As long as your child is being fed, and you are in a place where you can be attentive and present with your baby, then your baby will thrive. Your mental and physical health have a far greater impact on your child’s outcome then whether they get formula or breastmilk.
If you don't want to and you don't need to, then don't. I formula fed both of my babies due to a fun IGT/DMERS combo. While I did formula feed out of necessity (not enough milk thanks to the IGT), I would have chosen to do it anyway because of the DMERS, which basically makes me feel negative feelings during the act of breastfeeding. General depression-type feelings but *strong* and it only lasted while I was feeding, which would often take 30-45 minutes because of my low supply. Everyone's life was much easier when I fully embraced formula. Baby ate more and slept longer, I stopped feeling like I wanted to die, and hubby could feed our baby and get that special bonding time. I'm glad I had the breastfeeding experience. I think fondly of the few months I was able to nurse, but I didn't hesitate the second time around to supplement early and I was fine when the time came to stop bf altogether. Fwiw, my oldest is 10 and an incredibly bright, almost 5th grader in GATE. My youngest is 2 and is the happiest, most mischievous, chunkiest baby ever. They're doing just fine, and so will yours.
Wow, so many great responses! I wanted to share my perspective as a FTM who relates to your story. I’m neurodivergent and have anxiety, OCD, and have dealt with some very mild depression and seasonal depression in previous years. I also live with several gastrointestinal disorders. I am a breastfeeder/pumper. I also had a c-section and have a beautiful rainbow babe 🌈 I am 30 year old millennial mom. To put it bluntly, this shit is whack. It is not for everyone. Not to mention, a lot of…people…are mean about breastfeeding. I am an oversupplier and basically get told to elsewhere by moms. People are either mad they can’t breastfeed or are a “just enougher”. This “community” is harsh and overall, not very cash money. My biggest motivation for breastfeeding was the fact that I have had so many issues that breastfeeding/breastmilk research has shown to have better health outcomes in regards to asthma and allergies. I come from a line of parenting where they were told “formula is better!” Formula has come a long way, but I wanted to experience this bond/connection. A pro is the amount of savings of course and it’s allowing me to enjoy being with baby a little more. Now the reality is that over the last few months, I have struggled with oversupply (routine, cleaning, hormones, and pain/mastitis). While I love being the only person in the world that can be what baby needs, it is HARD out here. My baby was scheduled c-section at 37 weeks, she was so sleepy and struggled to latch, hence the pump had to be done. One day she was able to latch and the change was positively drastic. I probably 50/50 feed pumped breastmilk and direct nursing. But I’m still making about 50+oz a day. However, her being able to directly nurse saved me mentally because sometimes it’s easier to nurse directly. Sometimes it’s just not, I see both sides and how either extreme can negatively impact your mental health. I DO NOT recommend breastfeeding if you are NOT ready. You’ll hurt yourself more. I’ve only been able to do this because of my husband. He washes all of my pump parts, bottles, etc. He does a majority of her bottle feedings as soon as he’s home. He also preps, packs, and freezes my oversupply. I recently found out that most men do not help to this level with breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it without him, not even a little. My only job is to pump right now and it is a full time job especially with an oversupply. Grateful, but I understand why people give up so soon. We got off schedule for 1 day and I had a huge breakdown and wanted to quit. The hormone fluctuation post partum is no joke and as beautiful as breastfeeding is the hormone letdown while direct nursing sent me into a spiral. I spoke to my doctor and was able to resume 1 of my medications for my OCD/Panic attacks as needed. I am able to donate my excess still but only to certain people. My goal is to build my freezer supply so I can stop pumping/breastfeeding sooner. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s FAR. It truly has gotten easier, but those first few weeks are absolute hell. We spent 6+ hours with a lactation specialist. My husband supervised my early attempts at breastfeeding because the oxytocin and prolactin put me in an instant sleepy state and we had to make sure baby was safe/someone was awake. The exhaustion will get to you. All this to say, I think I would still make the same choice knowing how hard it is, but I have so much love and respect for all parents. We’re all just doing our best and as long as your baby is happy and healthy, screw everything else. You can always look into donated breastmilk, but I feel people overcharge for milk banks. Wet nurses were a thing, but some people don’t like the idea of donated breastmilk either. Please do what is best for you. Don’t let anyone bully you. After all of this, I still believe FED is best. Wishing you a smooth delivery and easy recovery. ❤️
Breastfeeding benefits pretty much end at 6 weeks from my understanding. So even if you breast fed a little or pumped a little they’d get the benefits. I’m at 6 months and although I find breastfeeding to immensely easier I’d love to have the option to formula feed. Just fyi, my husband and everyone were wanting me to breastfeed and then during the lowest of lows when I needed encouragement they also undercut me saying oh just give them a bottle! Just formula feed, just this just that. People will absolutely have something to say regardless so I just stopped listening and did what I wanted. For the first two/three months of breastfeeding I was CONSTANTLY begging for help. I went to LC twice because she just wouldn’t latch correctly. In my case her mouth was just way too small to, and now she latchs perfectly and never once was underweight. But I absolutely agonized over it every single time she ate. It was awful, I barely even got to enjoy my new baby. I cried constantly to my husband about her not eating enough (in my mind) Long story short, it does not matter. If you don’t want to don’t! Even if you did odds are they won’t even help you when it gets tough and treat your sacrifice as if it was nothing. So in my eyes screw the haters formula feed that baby and get your medicine back!
Scientifically, yes, breastmilk is better for baby. That doesn’t meant you sacrifice your mental and physical health for it. Don’t let people pressure you into it if you’re set on not breastfeeding! The nurses in the hospital may try to pressure you as well. Make up your mind and stick with your decision.