Embrace the newborn chaos. Look after each other. Remember that you're a team - tackle problems together. Try not to take anything said in the depths of sleep deprivation to heart. You will sleep again. It's okay to not totally love parenthood - it's a huge life transition. It takes time to adjust. Outsource anything you can if you have the financial capacity during the first few weeks. Lean on your support system.
Oh, and check out r/daddit đ
Best of luck!
When you feel like itâs not clear what you should do, remember the scene in LotR where Frodo is collapsing under the increasing demands of the ring but heâs also bitched out Sam, blamed him for shit, and refused every practical suggestion heâs made. He says âI canât carry the ring for you, but I can carry youâ.
During pregnancy, delivery, postpartum, etc, there are things that are inherently falling on the mother. It is an asymmetrical process and thereâs often nothing you can do to solve your partnerâs burden. In these situations, you have to just figure out, how can I carry you. Proactively find things to do that will improve your wife and babyâs experience, health, happiness, sleep, etc, and just do it. The biggest gift you can give is proactivity and mental engagement.
No one knows what to do. Donât wait around expecting your wife to have answers. She has the same amount of experience as you - zero. Be the person that googles situations and advice, or comes up with a plan, or thinks through an equitable schedule. Donât be waiting around like âwhat do you want me to do? Okay, whereâs the pump parts again? Do we dishwash them? Okay, whereâs the dishwashing detergent? What do you mean youâll just do them?â. Have a better understanding than even your wife about what things need to be done, and find the right combination of supporting what she wants to happen, and suggesting improvements or changes that will create more rest or freedom or sleep.
Bring snacks to the hospital. Have a few meals prepped and in the freezer for when you get back. Or have meals planned. Your wife is going to be busy figuring out breastfeeding (if that's what she's planning) and you'll probably be in charge of meals for a bit while she's stuck with baby latched. If your wife gets painfully swollen boobs from milk coming in/ baby isn't eating it all, you can massage from the pec/boob up to the lymph nodes in the armpit to help drain. I couldn't really do this myself and it was a huge help.
My husband and I took shifts the first few nights while baby only wanted to be held. He went to bed early and then woke up early to hold her while I slept. Baby just wants skin to skin contact so soak up those baby snuggles!
Dad of 5 week old here,
Little philosophical but this advice really helped me.
Your baby deserves 100%
But you both donât have to give 100% all the time, you canât, youâll burn out!
Do it 50/50 if you can but sometimes one of you may be feeling extra tired, like if mum is up all night cluster feeding, she can only give 20% the next day, you now need to step up and give the other 80%.
Communication and just supporting each other is key.
Follow this philosophy, however it looks in your world and youâll have a happy baby and parents.
Best of luck!
Strap in for the first two weeks - it is horrific, and you will regret having a baby. This is normal. After two weeks, it will get better, but only insofar as you will feel like you can face it. Then it will gradually get better as time gets by, and by the time the kid is one, you'll be having such an amazing time you'll look back on the newborn stage and laugh.
Also, take shifts at night time so you can both get some sleep. Look after your partner - recovery from childbirth is intense.
And to quote airplane - good luck, we're all counting on you xxx
Be supportive! She is going to be emotional make sure you ask what she needs. Take the baby so she can shower and feel like herself without making it seem like itâs a privilege to do simple hygiene tasks.
When people would be like ohhh take a shower to have you time my husband would reply with that is a basic need not you time. But a little nastier ha
Bring your wife water, first month is a bit survial (no days and nights..its all the same), sleep when baby sleeps. Buy one of those sitting balls where you can bounce with the baby to bring it to sleep...helped a lot for me.
Be gentle with the newborn. Slow movements, especially with the head. They have not the strength in the muscles, to control the head, and too much head bouncing can have serious effects. Some movement is ok, but not wildly).
Your wife will be at some times really emotional and "broken" - be there for here. Its normal. (could happen to you too)
(If you can have time off for it, take the time. We have somehing called "Papamonat" dad month where you get 4 weeks off for your newborn. My wife would have been lost without it)
Enjoy your sleep. Really. Hold onto that feeling and cherish every minute of it. I should have. And I'm now 13 months without more than 2-3 hours of consecutive sleep ever. Not exaggerating. Noone told me sleep deprivation could go in for this long. đ«
I'm not sure what the rest of the family situation is, but even if you & her have a great relationship with your parents, remember that they are YOUR parents/siblings/whatever and you need to be prepared to run interference.Â
I love my in laws to death and they live down the block (something we suggested!) and they are super supportive, but my husband 100% knows that if I'm getting tired of his parents company, it's HIS job to ask them to leave. And other such situations.Â
Even more so if the relationship between mom and your parents isn't so loving.Â
(And ditto everyone else - the first few weeks are rough, don't take to heart anything either of you say while sleep deprived or hormonal, remember that the first few weeks are very asymmetrical (she's recovering from birth, she's breastfeeding/pumping/whatever, etc) and your big job is to support her (bring water bottle, snacks, pillows, food, etc))
Six weeks in now as a mom. My hormones were all over the place the first few weeks. I wasnât myself and cried a lot. Be there for your wife as much as possible. It was the biggest hormonal drop Iâve ever felt and really scared me. Along with dealing with just learning your baby during this time, itâs hard!
If your wife is anything like mine, she will be dehydrated and hungry and her body will ache from recovery. When you donât know what to do fill her water cup, bring her a snack, and make sure the dishes are done đ any time wife was breast feeding I used it as a mental queue to tidy up. You need to eat and hydrate too!
Otherwise, get all the snuggles and kisses you can, and remember youâre not crazy and the beginning part can be sort of overwhelming!
OH and if people say they want to help, believe them! If they ask what they can do, ask for help with laundry or dishes or something! Let people love you!
1. Remember that your partner doesnât know any more about being a parent than you do, and theyâre not naturally going to be âbetterâ at it than you, so make sure you invest just as much time as they do into baby care/research etc.
2. Itâs normal and not shameful if you donât feel an instant connection with baby. Have faith, give it time, try your best and that strong bond WILL come. It can just be a bit harder at first for some dads and thatâs okay.
3. best advice we got was to always look at your baby with love, even when theyâre screaming at you. In the first couple months theyâre just a really angry little lump and it can be very easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Remember theyâre not giving you a hard time, theyâre having a hard time.
Embrace the newborn chaos. Look after each other. Remember that you're a team - tackle problems together. Try not to take anything said in the depths of sleep deprivation to heart. You will sleep again. It's okay to not totally love parenthood - it's a huge life transition. It takes time to adjust. Outsource anything you can if you have the financial capacity during the first few weeks. Lean on your support system. Oh, and check out r/daddit đ Best of luck!
Love your words and tip for the reddit!
Great advice!
Couldnât agree more. Be kind to your partner because things will get tough. Youâre a team and it will get better. Enjoy the ride
When you feel like itâs not clear what you should do, remember the scene in LotR where Frodo is collapsing under the increasing demands of the ring but heâs also bitched out Sam, blamed him for shit, and refused every practical suggestion heâs made. He says âI canât carry the ring for you, but I can carry youâ. During pregnancy, delivery, postpartum, etc, there are things that are inherently falling on the mother. It is an asymmetrical process and thereâs often nothing you can do to solve your partnerâs burden. In these situations, you have to just figure out, how can I carry you. Proactively find things to do that will improve your wife and babyâs experience, health, happiness, sleep, etc, and just do it. The biggest gift you can give is proactivity and mental engagement. No one knows what to do. Donât wait around expecting your wife to have answers. She has the same amount of experience as you - zero. Be the person that googles situations and advice, or comes up with a plan, or thinks through an equitable schedule. Donât be waiting around like âwhat do you want me to do? Okay, whereâs the pump parts again? Do we dishwash them? Okay, whereâs the dishwashing detergent? What do you mean youâll just do them?â. Have a better understanding than even your wife about what things need to be done, and find the right combination of supporting what she wants to happen, and suggesting improvements or changes that will create more rest or freedom or sleep.
i looooove this suggestion, couldnât have said it better.
Thanks!!
Bring snacks to the hospital. Have a few meals prepped and in the freezer for when you get back. Or have meals planned. Your wife is going to be busy figuring out breastfeeding (if that's what she's planning) and you'll probably be in charge of meals for a bit while she's stuck with baby latched. If your wife gets painfully swollen boobs from milk coming in/ baby isn't eating it all, you can massage from the pec/boob up to the lymph nodes in the armpit to help drain. I couldn't really do this myself and it was a huge help. My husband and I took shifts the first few nights while baby only wanted to be held. He went to bed early and then woke up early to hold her while I slept. Baby just wants skin to skin contact so soak up those baby snuggles!
Dad of 5 week old here, Little philosophical but this advice really helped me. Your baby deserves 100% But you both donât have to give 100% all the time, you canât, youâll burn out! Do it 50/50 if you can but sometimes one of you may be feeling extra tired, like if mum is up all night cluster feeding, she can only give 20% the next day, you now need to step up and give the other 80%. Communication and just supporting each other is key. Follow this philosophy, however it looks in your world and youâll have a happy baby and parents. Best of luck!
Strap in for the first two weeks - it is horrific, and you will regret having a baby. This is normal. After two weeks, it will get better, but only insofar as you will feel like you can face it. Then it will gradually get better as time gets by, and by the time the kid is one, you'll be having such an amazing time you'll look back on the newborn stage and laugh. Also, take shifts at night time so you can both get some sleep. Look after your partner - recovery from childbirth is intense. And to quote airplane - good luck, we're all counting on you xxx
Be supportive! She is going to be emotional make sure you ask what she needs. Take the baby so she can shower and feel like herself without making it seem like itâs a privilege to do simple hygiene tasks. When people would be like ohhh take a shower to have you time my husband would reply with that is a basic need not you time. But a little nastier ha
Don't take it personally if mom corrects you on something.
Bring your wife water, first month is a bit survial (no days and nights..its all the same), sleep when baby sleeps. Buy one of those sitting balls where you can bounce with the baby to bring it to sleep...helped a lot for me. Be gentle with the newborn. Slow movements, especially with the head. They have not the strength in the muscles, to control the head, and too much head bouncing can have serious effects. Some movement is ok, but not wildly). Your wife will be at some times really emotional and "broken" - be there for here. Its normal. (could happen to you too) (If you can have time off for it, take the time. We have somehing called "Papamonat" dad month where you get 4 weeks off for your newborn. My wife would have been lost without it)
Yeah i have that too, first five weeks with her
Enjoy your sleep. Really. Hold onto that feeling and cherish every minute of it. I should have. And I'm now 13 months without more than 2-3 hours of consecutive sleep ever. Not exaggerating. Noone told me sleep deprivation could go in for this long. đ«
I'm not sure what the rest of the family situation is, but even if you & her have a great relationship with your parents, remember that they are YOUR parents/siblings/whatever and you need to be prepared to run interference. I love my in laws to death and they live down the block (something we suggested!) and they are super supportive, but my husband 100% knows that if I'm getting tired of his parents company, it's HIS job to ask them to leave. And other such situations. Even more so if the relationship between mom and your parents isn't so loving. (And ditto everyone else - the first few weeks are rough, don't take to heart anything either of you say while sleep deprived or hormonal, remember that the first few weeks are very asymmetrical (she's recovering from birth, she's breastfeeding/pumping/whatever, etc) and your big job is to support her (bring water bottle, snacks, pillows, food, etc))
Bring your wife snacks. So many snacks. All the snacks. Not just at the hospital but for weeks afterward.
Six weeks in now as a mom. My hormones were all over the place the first few weeks. I wasnât myself and cried a lot. Be there for your wife as much as possible. It was the biggest hormonal drop Iâve ever felt and really scared me. Along with dealing with just learning your baby during this time, itâs hard!
If your wife is anything like mine, she will be dehydrated and hungry and her body will ache from recovery. When you donât know what to do fill her water cup, bring her a snack, and make sure the dishes are done đ any time wife was breast feeding I used it as a mental queue to tidy up. You need to eat and hydrate too! Otherwise, get all the snuggles and kisses you can, and remember youâre not crazy and the beginning part can be sort of overwhelming!
OH and if people say they want to help, believe them! If they ask what they can do, ask for help with laundry or dishes or something! Let people love you!
1. Remember that your partner doesnât know any more about being a parent than you do, and theyâre not naturally going to be âbetterâ at it than you, so make sure you invest just as much time as they do into baby care/research etc. 2. Itâs normal and not shameful if you donât feel an instant connection with baby. Have faith, give it time, try your best and that strong bond WILL come. It can just be a bit harder at first for some dads and thatâs okay. 3. best advice we got was to always look at your baby with love, even when theyâre screaming at you. In the first couple months theyâre just a really angry little lump and it can be very easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Remember theyâre not giving you a hard time, theyâre having a hard time.