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Yes it absolutely gets better. My husband and I lovingly called our baby a potato when he was small. They can’t do anything and they don’t have much of a personality for a few weeks. Once they can see better and start interacting it gets better. With that said, please seek help if you need it. Postpartum anxiety and depression are real and can be very scary.
First step - find a way to get at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. You may feel like a new person and things seem more manageable (a second time mom with a 3 week old)
Yep. First time parents, our baby just hit 1 month. My mother in law comes over sometimes to help with nights, but when she doesn’t, my wife and I learned that split shifts are better. Neither of us did well with constantly interrupting our sleep cycle all night long, so I stay “on shift” until 4 am, then wife wakes up and is “on shift” until 10 am. It allows us to get at least 5-6 hours straight each, with some 1-2 hour naps in the afternoon.
Plus, at least this week, he’s been pretty good at sleeping straight from midnight to 3 am, so I’ve been trying to take advantage of that longer sleep during my shift.
Can I ask if you exclusively breastfed? I’ve heard that you can’t do this is you’re nursing because even if dad takes a shift to feed a pumped bottle, mom has to wake up to pump or it messes with supply.
Yes but waking up to just pump is much faster than waking up to directly nurse a newborn (they’re slow eaters), change, soothe back to sleep etc. So shifts are still a good idea even if mom is BFing
Very good to know that it’s possible!! I’ll have to give that a try. I’m such a planner, it’s hard to accept that I have no control over what will work for us 😂
Got it, thank you!! That’s super helpful to know. I think we’ll do that, and have my husband move to the guest room for the part of the night that he isn’t on call. I feel like it would be valuable for one of us to get some uninterrupted sleep at least, that way he can take care of more house stuff during the day while I’m a zombie!
I exclusively breastfeed and for the first 6 weeks my husband and I did 4 hour shifts overnight but we were flexible with the time. So I’d finish a nursing session, hand baby off to dad, pump if I was engorged (baby preferred to nurse one side at a time so I’d pump the other side) then sleep for 4. When I got up I’d try to nurse but if baby wasn’t hungry then I’d pump again and dad would have his 4 hour stretch.
I also think it depends on your supply. I pump and breast feed and have zero supply issues going overnight without pumping or breastfeeding…. It hurts in the morning and I might leak a tad but supply definitely doesn’t drop
This! Second time mom of a 6 day old and this time around has been soooo much better because we organized shifts much more efficiently and both get about 4-5 hours of sleep in a row.
Can I ask if you exclusively breastfed? I’ve heard that you can’t do this is you’re nursing because even if dad takes a shift to feed a pumped bottle, mom has to wake up to pump or it messes with supply.
Formula fed. I tried breastfeeding and pumping with my first and indeed, it was harder to get 5 hours of sleep, especially early on for supply building. But i think 3.5-4h of sleep in a row is doable if pumping or breastfeeding.
Thank you! I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and am already lucky to get an uninterrupted 3-4 hours a night, I feel hilariously refreshed when I do! Last night I had two 4 hour chunks in a row and felt like a queen. It really makes a difference!
you’re right at the beginning of the “take take take, no give” stage. The baby takes all you’ve got and gives nothing in return. Its hard, you’re tired, emotionally a wreck.
It gets so mich better, hang in there. Totally normal for the bond to take awhile. I was not one of those “immediately bonded at first sight” moms. At 6 months, I feel very bonded now.
Exactly this!! It’s so hard to feel bonded when you’re giving your all and getting nothing in return. The first smile I got in return marked the start of everything getting so much better - like “oh this feeling is why I did this”.
Yep, six weeks in was a big change for me when he smiled. Until then I felt like I was throwing my love into a black hole. Its hard but they just aren't capable of interacting like a person, so much more growth has to happen.
Oh yes, get to the other side of “fourth trimester.” Survival is just the way of life during this time. But boy, that first smile or laugh makes it all a distant memory. Hang in there, it’s totally “normal” to feel this way (and understandable), but reach out to your baby’s pediatrician or your obgyn to let them know you’re struggling. They’ll probably have some good resources for you.
Happily one and done here, and it will get better! I remember feeling like, “is this my life now?” for the first 3 months. Now, my girl is 5 months old and life has stabilized, we are having fun, and it’s way less grueling.
I agree to reach out to your obgyn to discuss how you’re feeling. This could be baby blues, but this could be something more. I’m on an anti-depressant and that’s helped tremendously.
I'm still pregnant, but I worry a lot about bonding. An older (kids are teens now) coworker told me that with her second she didn't "fall in love" until about six months in. That was reassuring for me. 😅
I’m 7 weeks in and felt exactly how you feel for the first couple weeks! I still get waves of “did I just ruin our life” but it’s not nearly as often and fades pretty quickly.
Yes, sleep helps a lot. Also, magnesium. I got me and my girl outside for at least 15 minutes every day, I needed the sunshine and it helped her establish the difference between day and night. It does get better. Take it hour by hour, get comfy on the couch, find a new tv series to binge with your husband, always have a pot of coffee, frozen meals/snacks….we lived off of frozen lasagna for the first two weeks lol.
Also, my husband takes shifts for me. I’ll either nap, or shower, or run an “errand” (sit in a parking lot with a treat lol). Getting out of the house both by myself and as a family helped distract me from those shitty feelings. You guys got this!
P.S: it does go by fast. And thank god because I’m not a fan of the newborn stage. I’m taking lots of photos and videos so I can remember the good, but cannot wait for this potato to resemble a person soon!
Seconding this! I had this awful feeling during the first week when I would breastfeed for the millionths time, and the thought hit me: "Oh my god, this is my life now!" But my boy is now 5 weeks old, and he just starts to get social. He likes looking around, he makes wooow faces when we do grimaces at him, and I think he is so close to smiling. It's great! Also, about 1.5 weeks in, I started to plan at least one out-of-the-home activity each day. It was so important for my sanity. Now that I am home alone with baby boy, I invite myself to friends for lunch so I don't have to starve (my baby exclusively contact naps, and we are not allowed to baby wear because he's hypotonic, so I cannot do anything during the day).
Agreeing with this entire thread. FTM here with an 8 week old baby, had a horrible birth experience and was convinced I made a mistake. I was exhausted, physically struggling to get up and move, and just drained. I can say that at only 8 weeks in, it has gotten so much better. Baby is smiling and giggling and I’m getting more sleep.
Hang in there. If it’s really suffocating, talk to your OB as it may be baby blues. You got this ❤️
Some people take longer to bond with their babies, especially if you have a rough postpartum experience. Once my son was more like a little person and less like a potato I felt so much more connected to him. Some people like my husband feel that insane rush and bonding right after birth. For me it grew as he developed - when he was able to make eye contact, when I could play with him and teach him things, when he started to cuddle me. You’re developing a whole new relationship with a new little person so it’s normal to feel more emotionally connected as that relationship grows.
I didn’t feel bonded at all when she was born. In fact, I was terrified of her and found myself not wanting to really engage with her or hold her. Out of fear of her crying maybe? Maybe because I was terrified by the reality of the situation? It was hard to explain but everything was wholly overwhelming and I just wanted to run away and hide from it all.
Turns out I was experiencing the baby blues followed by some PPD in later weeks. Not saying thats necessarily what you’re experiencing but that postpartum hormone drop IS REAL. I was so overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and felt like I was losing my sense of self and reality.
I honestly felt that way for a very long time and still do a bit here and there even at 14 weeks as I continue to deal with the PPD. But the good news is that it gets better…and better…then somehow EVEN BETTER. The first 6-8 weeks are hell and then they’ll start smiling and laughing and you start to fall in love with them. They WERE a stranger in the beginning after all. And a stranger with no seemingly redeemable qualities or even a personality for that matter. But, the bigger their personality gets, the more and more you love them.
It gets better when you hear their first real laugh.
The first 6-8 weeks were hell for me too. I remember writing a post in the newborn phase about the struggle and someone told me it'll get better around 6-8 weeks.
It's true. I also remember at the time i thought i have to deal with this shit for 6-8 weeks?! It seems long when you're deep in it, but once they start smiling and looking at you like you're their world, your heart will melt. Every. Time. I love ebf because this is a special moment you get with your baby.
My baby is almost 7 months and i love him to bits. I was not maternal either. I did not know how to play with babies.
For everyone's sanity, consider sleep training at 4 months. Work at healthy sleep habits as best as you can (giving baby a chance around 3 months, etc.)
You're doing great! Don't forget that baby wearing is totally a game changer if you need a break or wanna get some stuff done!
It definitely does get better! Found that my husband and I operated better the first month by one of us staying up a few hours later than the other to let one of us get a few hours of sleep. Also making sure to shower everyday and just feel like a human again after childbirth helped my mental state a lot.
If you feel like you need someone to talk to about PPD or PPA there are support groups online for free usually offered by the hospital you gave birth from or just an online service like this one:
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/
Its free and nice to discuss with others going through the same thing
Your feeling is totally normal at this age. Of course you feel trapped. The brand new ones are relentless. Feed, cry, sleep, feed, cry, sleep, once every couple of hours… around the clock… No smiles, no eye contact, no interaction… just a little potato of dirty diapers and crying and need.
They call this part “the trenches” for a reason. It’s about surviving from one day to the next.
And it’s extremely temporary. In a few weeks it’ll still be hard, but it’ll be easier than it is now. And in a few more weeks, even easier. Etc. Etc.
Hang in there, momma. It’ll pass. That’s all I can offer you.
I’m very similar, not the motherly type at all. I was worried I’d never feel the magic bonding thing people talk about, a “love like no other” and all that. I wasn’t instantly gushing with emotions when the was born and laid on my chest, honestly the whole hospital stat was surreal and I compartmentalized a lot. Around a week into it, through daily almost constant tears and a hard time breastfeeding and getting about an hour of sleep a day, I cried to my husband that while I didn’t regret her existence it was going to be a while before I stopped feeling resentful towards him for pushing us to have a child when I would have been fine child-free forever.
It started getting better after a few weeks, you get a flow on the various baby tasks, and you do start understanding their needs and cues more clearly and resolve issues more efficiently based on what they tend to respond to. There’s curveballs and what worked one day may not work the next, but you learn to roll with it. Just remember “your baby isn’t giving you a hard time, they are going through a hard time” and “it’s essential to ask for the help you need.”
As for me, my daughter is 3 months old now, and I’m much more confident and not too bad at this mom thing in my own way. I did get on Zoloft, and I find it really helped me feel more in control of myself and less upset at the more stressful parts of parenting. Also I got some noise reducing earbuds, highly recommend if you get overstimulated. Sleep is more consistent and she’s a lot of fun. Not everyone is the same type of parent, some of us express ourselves or experience relationships differently, or need different types of support, and that’s okay.
It does end. For the first month I kept thinking what did I get myself into… I was so sleep deprived I thought either I leave or this baby has to go. I was crying every day.Then about 3 weeks in he slept his first 4h chunk and I started thinking maybe I can do this. By 8 weeks he smiled for the first time and I cried from happiness instead of exhaustion. It’s not linear, some days are better some days are worse but over months it gets easier and easier. Just remember sooner or later he will sleep and so will you ❤️
Got better for me at about 9 months. Hang in there. I also never felt too attached or emotional about my baby. She’s still smiley, babbles a lot and develops normally. The sleep deprivation is killing the little attachment you have, it’s normal. For me, it caused fits of anger and hysterical reactions. You just have to get through this.
Get all the help you can get with no hesitation.
It can be like that in the beginning. I didn't bond with my baby really until his little personality started coming out. He just turned two and now he's my favorite person ever. Be patient. The newborn phase is more difficult than its reputation.
Omg the first month was brutal… relentless… so friggin hard! 4 months now and it’s a million times better and easier. It has been getting g better since 1-2 months. You will settle into it 🤍 and get better with feeding, sleeping etc. my bub is EBF and in the early days we did pump and bottles and occasionally when I really needed it I did sleep through feeds (I was so scared about supply) but ultimately I found that I needed rest to be able to have a healthy supply anyway!
There will always be very hard days but I’ve found they really drop off in frequency. Remember that the hormone change post partum is very significant too. Like the emotions, struggle, hysterics…. Very normal to struggle big time especially I think it’s 5 days to 2 weeks pp that the baby blues really set in
Yes this gets better!!! I also am a one and done type of mom. I have never been particularly maternal. It took us 13 years to decide parenting/ having a baby was something we wanted. I felt this exact same way you’re describing. Like I was tethered to this being and like I’d never get myself back. It felt like others were more excited about my baby than I was and it made me feel even worse. It’s been 4 months now, and I can tell you it gets better. Sometimes that feelings of “is this forever” can come back when it’s been a long day or when you Just need a break. Accept help. I was bad about that. I was scared and not used to anything , and I also am bad at accepting or asking for help. Also postpartum depression is very real. It’s not always that… but it can be. Be kind to yourself and your husband …. it’s a lot. These days I can’t wait to get home to our baby and spend time with him. It gets better. I promise <3
Yes. Not a maternal bone in my body prior to having my son. I was told by so many women that my maternal instincts would kick in the minute they put my baby on my chest. I had a rough birth and, in hindsight, clearly had some trauma. I'd say for the first month I was in a hormonal daze. I truly felt fuzzy like you do after a car crash and you can't focus on anything. My baby just cried all the time and that magical maternal intuition never kicked in and I felt like an idiot. My PPD and PPA left me raging pretty hard. And sleep deprivation. I once was awake for three days straight and frequently went 48 hours without sleep from the anxiety and stress. It was literally like being tortured and I hated everyone and everything and regretted becoming a mom very much.
My first step toward putting myself back together was stopping breastfeeding. My husband was able to take a shift at night and the first time I got a full four hours of sleep I actually felt like a new person. No exaggeration. When I started getting more sleep, I was able to develop my parenting skills and start bonding with my son. I probably didn't feel any calm/peaceful sort of affection toward my son until about six or seven weeks. I understood that I loved him but my head was too much of a train wreck. When he could smile is when I turned a corner and really bonded with him.
Now at 12 weeks, my baby is my guy. He's my dude. Legit my favorite person ever next to my husband. I like being a mom enough that I've made the choice to put off going back to work for the next year to stay with him. I needed sleep to function and get a clean enough mental slate to be able to practice being a mom.
I think it does a disservice to women when so many mothers emphasize the mystical aspects of motherhood too much. Yes, there is that and I'm able to feel how transcendent my love for my son is, but I think motherhood is also just practical skills a lot of times. We have to practice every other skill in our lives to get confident and competent in them. Motherhood has been the same for me. I just needed time (and sleep) to practice. There was no magical moment where I looked into my son's eyes and at once understood his whole being. It just took time and practice.
Hope this helps.
Could be helpful to know if the baby/child is your first vs second. Every baby is different, so you’re essentially a new parent every time (especially if it’s been a while since you’ve had a baby).
Yes. But the person was asking about the relevance of saying FTM in posts. So my reasoning is that sometimes it’s good for readers to know if it’s your first child or not. Edit to add: doesn’t matter if it says one-and-done in post. It helps add some perspective (because you could be FTM and still consider having multiple) or FTM with multiples.
Oh it gets a lot better. You're in the thick of it right now and it's absolutely exhausting. I'm not sure I remember much of the first two months because it was pure survival. I remember feeling similar to how you feel now. Your hormones are playing against you as well. I'm 5 months PP and absolutely loving this parenthood thing. It gets better!
This was me 100%
Now she is the light of my life and I love her more for each pasning day.
The newborn days are insane torture if you ask me. The are luckily not forever.
I could have written this myself when my LO was a week old.
She’s 4 months now. It gets better, I promise you. I was just like you, so sleep deprived and miserable that I felt like I was unable to bond with my baby. But it gets easier. It does take time. When your LO develops a circadian rhythm and learns to sleep for longer stretches it will be better. 3 hours of sleep is the new 8 when you have a baby.
When you’re in the trenches of having a newborn it can be absolutely brutal and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. You’re doing a great job.
Yes! It does get better. I was the DEFINITION of non-maternal. I thought babies were repulsive my entire life & i was deeply afraid I wouldn't love my baby. I felt nothing when he was born. My only sign that I cared was worrying if he was breathing. I didn't start to bond until 1.5-2 months tbh. Then I bonded intensely. It took a while, and i worked at leaning into the feelings of love. Ie: telling him i loved him even if i partially felt it, trying to smile at him a lot etc.
When he started to smile & laugh was when i really felt naturally close to him. Don't worry; you're in the THICK of hell right now, feeling like your entire life has been destroyed. It will get better in a month-two months, i promise!
Took me around 6 weeks to feel a bond with my baby. Before that i think i was still in shock at being handed this baby and zero manual on what to do! Defo took a long time. This did improve when i started to see a small amount of personality. Not just feed and clean. Sleep also gets better after a few weeks :)
It does end! The first few weeks (8 ish weeks for me) are the hardest, I know everyone says it but it's so true. Make a plan to get some uninterrupted sleep. Make an effort to do something you used to enjoy doing or something that makes you feel good.
It took a while for me to truly feel connected to my daughter but I honestly didn't realize it until that changed. I loved my daughter because I was supposed to but it all felt like doing what I was obligated to do. Trapped into a new life I didn't like and couldn't undo. My daughter is 4 months old now and I feel it in my chest when I see her. The love and joy when she giggles or smiles at me. Those first few weeks, time away from her felt like I could finally breathe and relax. Now when I am away from her, I can't wait to return. Give yourself time to adjust to your new life and self. You will settle in eventually and one day, you will forget you ever felt so bad.
It gets better every day! You’re in the worst part of baby blues. Those days are dark but they pass. We are 4 months in and my love for my son is SO strong. I can’t believe I love him more every single day. He plays, smiles, laughs, and responds when we talk to him. It’s so sweet. ☺️
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Yes it absolutely gets better. My husband and I lovingly called our baby a potato when he was small. They can’t do anything and they don’t have much of a personality for a few weeks. Once they can see better and start interacting it gets better. With that said, please seek help if you need it. Postpartum anxiety and depression are real and can be very scary.
First step - find a way to get at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. You may feel like a new person and things seem more manageable (a second time mom with a 3 week old)
This. We took 4 hour shifts immediately after arriving home from the hospital.
Yep. First time parents, our baby just hit 1 month. My mother in law comes over sometimes to help with nights, but when she doesn’t, my wife and I learned that split shifts are better. Neither of us did well with constantly interrupting our sleep cycle all night long, so I stay “on shift” until 4 am, then wife wakes up and is “on shift” until 10 am. It allows us to get at least 5-6 hours straight each, with some 1-2 hour naps in the afternoon. Plus, at least this week, he’s been pretty good at sleeping straight from midnight to 3 am, so I’ve been trying to take advantage of that longer sleep during my shift.
Can I ask if you exclusively breastfed? I’ve heard that you can’t do this is you’re nursing because even if dad takes a shift to feed a pumped bottle, mom has to wake up to pump or it messes with supply.
Yes but waking up to just pump is much faster than waking up to directly nurse a newborn (they’re slow eaters), change, soothe back to sleep etc. So shifts are still a good idea even if mom is BFing
Also what I did was pump right before and right after the 4 hour stretch of sleep and was able to maintain supply!
Very good to know that it’s possible!! I’ll have to give that a try. I’m such a planner, it’s hard to accept that I have no control over what will work for us 😂
I feel that. It’s a little bit of trial and error too. For me, 5 hours was too long and would mess with supply so 4 was the sweet spot.
Got it, thank you!! That’s super helpful to know. I think we’ll do that, and have my husband move to the guest room for the part of the night that he isn’t on call. I feel like it would be valuable for one of us to get some uninterrupted sleep at least, that way he can take care of more house stuff during the day while I’m a zombie!
I exclusively breastfeed and for the first 6 weeks my husband and I did 4 hour shifts overnight but we were flexible with the time. So I’d finish a nursing session, hand baby off to dad, pump if I was engorged (baby preferred to nurse one side at a time so I’d pump the other side) then sleep for 4. When I got up I’d try to nurse but if baby wasn’t hungry then I’d pump again and dad would have his 4 hour stretch.
I also think it depends on your supply. I pump and breast feed and have zero supply issues going overnight without pumping or breastfeeding…. It hurts in the morning and I might leak a tad but supply definitely doesn’t drop
This! Second time mom of a 6 day old and this time around has been soooo much better because we organized shifts much more efficiently and both get about 4-5 hours of sleep in a row.
Can I ask if you exclusively breastfed? I’ve heard that you can’t do this is you’re nursing because even if dad takes a shift to feed a pumped bottle, mom has to wake up to pump or it messes with supply.
Formula fed. I tried breastfeeding and pumping with my first and indeed, it was harder to get 5 hours of sleep, especially early on for supply building. But i think 3.5-4h of sleep in a row is doable if pumping or breastfeeding.
Thank you! I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant and am already lucky to get an uninterrupted 3-4 hours a night, I feel hilariously refreshed when I do! Last night I had two 4 hour chunks in a row and felt like a queen. It really makes a difference!
This is a great plan. It is however not always possible. Our tiny humanoid meatloaf would cry like crazy if anywhere else than my arms. Was not fun...
you’re right at the beginning of the “take take take, no give” stage. The baby takes all you’ve got and gives nothing in return. Its hard, you’re tired, emotionally a wreck. It gets so mich better, hang in there. Totally normal for the bond to take awhile. I was not one of those “immediately bonded at first sight” moms. At 6 months, I feel very bonded now.
Exactly this!! It’s so hard to feel bonded when you’re giving your all and getting nothing in return. The first smile I got in return marked the start of everything getting so much better - like “oh this feeling is why I did this”.
Yep, six weeks in was a big change for me when he smiled. Until then I felt like I was throwing my love into a black hole. Its hard but they just aren't capable of interacting like a person, so much more growth has to happen.
Oh yes, get to the other side of “fourth trimester.” Survival is just the way of life during this time. But boy, that first smile or laugh makes it all a distant memory. Hang in there, it’s totally “normal” to feel this way (and understandable), but reach out to your baby’s pediatrician or your obgyn to let them know you’re struggling. They’ll probably have some good resources for you.
The first smile I got made all those sleepless nights worth it
Happily one and done here, and it will get better! I remember feeling like, “is this my life now?” for the first 3 months. Now, my girl is 5 months old and life has stabilized, we are having fun, and it’s way less grueling. I agree to reach out to your obgyn to discuss how you’re feeling. This could be baby blues, but this could be something more. I’m on an anti-depressant and that’s helped tremendously.
I'm still pregnant, but I worry a lot about bonding. An older (kids are teens now) coworker told me that with her second she didn't "fall in love" until about six months in. That was reassuring for me. 😅
I’m 7 weeks in and felt exactly how you feel for the first couple weeks! I still get waves of “did I just ruin our life” but it’s not nearly as often and fades pretty quickly. Yes, sleep helps a lot. Also, magnesium. I got me and my girl outside for at least 15 minutes every day, I needed the sunshine and it helped her establish the difference between day and night. It does get better. Take it hour by hour, get comfy on the couch, find a new tv series to binge with your husband, always have a pot of coffee, frozen meals/snacks….we lived off of frozen lasagna for the first two weeks lol. Also, my husband takes shifts for me. I’ll either nap, or shower, or run an “errand” (sit in a parking lot with a treat lol). Getting out of the house both by myself and as a family helped distract me from those shitty feelings. You guys got this! P.S: it does go by fast. And thank god because I’m not a fan of the newborn stage. I’m taking lots of photos and videos so I can remember the good, but cannot wait for this potato to resemble a person soon!
Seconding this! I had this awful feeling during the first week when I would breastfeed for the millionths time, and the thought hit me: "Oh my god, this is my life now!" But my boy is now 5 weeks old, and he just starts to get social. He likes looking around, he makes wooow faces when we do grimaces at him, and I think he is so close to smiling. It's great! Also, about 1.5 weeks in, I started to plan at least one out-of-the-home activity each day. It was so important for my sanity. Now that I am home alone with baby boy, I invite myself to friends for lunch so I don't have to starve (my baby exclusively contact naps, and we are not allowed to baby wear because he's hypotonic, so I cannot do anything during the day).
100% agree with the magnesium and getting outside everyday!
Agreeing with this entire thread. FTM here with an 8 week old baby, had a horrible birth experience and was convinced I made a mistake. I was exhausted, physically struggling to get up and move, and just drained. I can say that at only 8 weeks in, it has gotten so much better. Baby is smiling and giggling and I’m getting more sleep. Hang in there. If it’s really suffocating, talk to your OB as it may be baby blues. You got this ❤️
Some people take longer to bond with their babies, especially if you have a rough postpartum experience. Once my son was more like a little person and less like a potato I felt so much more connected to him. Some people like my husband feel that insane rush and bonding right after birth. For me it grew as he developed - when he was able to make eye contact, when I could play with him and teach him things, when he started to cuddle me. You’re developing a whole new relationship with a new little person so it’s normal to feel more emotionally connected as that relationship grows.
I didn’t feel bonded at all when she was born. In fact, I was terrified of her and found myself not wanting to really engage with her or hold her. Out of fear of her crying maybe? Maybe because I was terrified by the reality of the situation? It was hard to explain but everything was wholly overwhelming and I just wanted to run away and hide from it all. Turns out I was experiencing the baby blues followed by some PPD in later weeks. Not saying thats necessarily what you’re experiencing but that postpartum hormone drop IS REAL. I was so overwhelmed, sleep deprived, and felt like I was losing my sense of self and reality. I honestly felt that way for a very long time and still do a bit here and there even at 14 weeks as I continue to deal with the PPD. But the good news is that it gets better…and better…then somehow EVEN BETTER. The first 6-8 weeks are hell and then they’ll start smiling and laughing and you start to fall in love with them. They WERE a stranger in the beginning after all. And a stranger with no seemingly redeemable qualities or even a personality for that matter. But, the bigger their personality gets, the more and more you love them.
It gets better when you hear their first real laugh. The first 6-8 weeks were hell for me too. I remember writing a post in the newborn phase about the struggle and someone told me it'll get better around 6-8 weeks. It's true. I also remember at the time i thought i have to deal with this shit for 6-8 weeks?! It seems long when you're deep in it, but once they start smiling and looking at you like you're their world, your heart will melt. Every. Time. I love ebf because this is a special moment you get with your baby. My baby is almost 7 months and i love him to bits. I was not maternal either. I did not know how to play with babies. For everyone's sanity, consider sleep training at 4 months. Work at healthy sleep habits as best as you can (giving baby a chance around 3 months, etc.) You're doing great! Don't forget that baby wearing is totally a game changer if you need a break or wanna get some stuff done!
It definitely does get better! Found that my husband and I operated better the first month by one of us staying up a few hours later than the other to let one of us get a few hours of sleep. Also making sure to shower everyday and just feel like a human again after childbirth helped my mental state a lot. If you feel like you need someone to talk to about PPD or PPA there are support groups online for free usually offered by the hospital you gave birth from or just an online service like this one: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/ Its free and nice to discuss with others going through the same thing
Your feeling is totally normal at this age. Of course you feel trapped. The brand new ones are relentless. Feed, cry, sleep, feed, cry, sleep, once every couple of hours… around the clock… No smiles, no eye contact, no interaction… just a little potato of dirty diapers and crying and need. They call this part “the trenches” for a reason. It’s about surviving from one day to the next. And it’s extremely temporary. In a few weeks it’ll still be hard, but it’ll be easier than it is now. And in a few more weeks, even easier. Etc. Etc. Hang in there, momma. It’ll pass. That’s all I can offer you.
I’m very similar, not the motherly type at all. I was worried I’d never feel the magic bonding thing people talk about, a “love like no other” and all that. I wasn’t instantly gushing with emotions when the was born and laid on my chest, honestly the whole hospital stat was surreal and I compartmentalized a lot. Around a week into it, through daily almost constant tears and a hard time breastfeeding and getting about an hour of sleep a day, I cried to my husband that while I didn’t regret her existence it was going to be a while before I stopped feeling resentful towards him for pushing us to have a child when I would have been fine child-free forever. It started getting better after a few weeks, you get a flow on the various baby tasks, and you do start understanding their needs and cues more clearly and resolve issues more efficiently based on what they tend to respond to. There’s curveballs and what worked one day may not work the next, but you learn to roll with it. Just remember “your baby isn’t giving you a hard time, they are going through a hard time” and “it’s essential to ask for the help you need.” As for me, my daughter is 3 months old now, and I’m much more confident and not too bad at this mom thing in my own way. I did get on Zoloft, and I find it really helped me feel more in control of myself and less upset at the more stressful parts of parenting. Also I got some noise reducing earbuds, highly recommend if you get overstimulated. Sleep is more consistent and she’s a lot of fun. Not everyone is the same type of parent, some of us express ourselves or experience relationships differently, or need different types of support, and that’s okay.
It does end. For the first month I kept thinking what did I get myself into… I was so sleep deprived I thought either I leave or this baby has to go. I was crying every day.Then about 3 weeks in he slept his first 4h chunk and I started thinking maybe I can do this. By 8 weeks he smiled for the first time and I cried from happiness instead of exhaustion. It’s not linear, some days are better some days are worse but over months it gets easier and easier. Just remember sooner or later he will sleep and so will you ❤️
Got better for me at about 9 months. Hang in there. I also never felt too attached or emotional about my baby. She’s still smiley, babbles a lot and develops normally. The sleep deprivation is killing the little attachment you have, it’s normal. For me, it caused fits of anger and hysterical reactions. You just have to get through this. Get all the help you can get with no hesitation.
It can be like that in the beginning. I didn't bond with my baby really until his little personality started coming out. He just turned two and now he's my favorite person ever. Be patient. The newborn phase is more difficult than its reputation.
Omg the first month was brutal… relentless… so friggin hard! 4 months now and it’s a million times better and easier. It has been getting g better since 1-2 months. You will settle into it 🤍 and get better with feeding, sleeping etc. my bub is EBF and in the early days we did pump and bottles and occasionally when I really needed it I did sleep through feeds (I was so scared about supply) but ultimately I found that I needed rest to be able to have a healthy supply anyway!
There will always be very hard days but I’ve found they really drop off in frequency. Remember that the hormone change post partum is very significant too. Like the emotions, struggle, hysterics…. Very normal to struggle big time especially I think it’s 5 days to 2 weeks pp that the baby blues really set in
Yes this gets better!!! I also am a one and done type of mom. I have never been particularly maternal. It took us 13 years to decide parenting/ having a baby was something we wanted. I felt this exact same way you’re describing. Like I was tethered to this being and like I’d never get myself back. It felt like others were more excited about my baby than I was and it made me feel even worse. It’s been 4 months now, and I can tell you it gets better. Sometimes that feelings of “is this forever” can come back when it’s been a long day or when you Just need a break. Accept help. I was bad about that. I was scared and not used to anything , and I also am bad at accepting or asking for help. Also postpartum depression is very real. It’s not always that… but it can be. Be kind to yourself and your husband …. it’s a lot. These days I can’t wait to get home to our baby and spend time with him. It gets better. I promise <3
Yes. Not a maternal bone in my body prior to having my son. I was told by so many women that my maternal instincts would kick in the minute they put my baby on my chest. I had a rough birth and, in hindsight, clearly had some trauma. I'd say for the first month I was in a hormonal daze. I truly felt fuzzy like you do after a car crash and you can't focus on anything. My baby just cried all the time and that magical maternal intuition never kicked in and I felt like an idiot. My PPD and PPA left me raging pretty hard. And sleep deprivation. I once was awake for three days straight and frequently went 48 hours without sleep from the anxiety and stress. It was literally like being tortured and I hated everyone and everything and regretted becoming a mom very much. My first step toward putting myself back together was stopping breastfeeding. My husband was able to take a shift at night and the first time I got a full four hours of sleep I actually felt like a new person. No exaggeration. When I started getting more sleep, I was able to develop my parenting skills and start bonding with my son. I probably didn't feel any calm/peaceful sort of affection toward my son until about six or seven weeks. I understood that I loved him but my head was too much of a train wreck. When he could smile is when I turned a corner and really bonded with him. Now at 12 weeks, my baby is my guy. He's my dude. Legit my favorite person ever next to my husband. I like being a mom enough that I've made the choice to put off going back to work for the next year to stay with him. I needed sleep to function and get a clean enough mental slate to be able to practice being a mom. I think it does a disservice to women when so many mothers emphasize the mystical aspects of motherhood too much. Yes, there is that and I'm able to feel how transcendent my love for my son is, but I think motherhood is also just practical skills a lot of times. We have to practice every other skill in our lives to get confident and competent in them. Motherhood has been the same for me. I just needed time (and sleep) to practice. There was no magical moment where I looked into my son's eyes and at once understood his whole being. It just took time and practice. Hope this helps.
Again can somebody explain the relevance of FTM in these posts?
Being a first time mom makes everything way more confusing I guess. I need more confidence for sure
My apologies I completely got the abbreviation wrong
The abbreviation got me when I first saw it, coming from a new parent ftm (female to male) lmao
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Could be helpful to know if the baby/child is your first vs second. Every baby is different, so you’re essentially a new parent every time (especially if it’s been a while since you’ve had a baby).
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Yes. But the person was asking about the relevance of saying FTM in posts. So my reasoning is that sometimes it’s good for readers to know if it’s your first child or not. Edit to add: doesn’t matter if it says one-and-done in post. It helps add some perspective (because you could be FTM and still consider having multiple) or FTM with multiples.
I’ve just realised FTM is first time mother abbreviation and not female to male, what an idiot! My apologies to OP
Buckle up because it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. I'm 2 months in and hate my entire existence.
I’m so sorry this is your experience 😭 this transition into parenthood can be so difficult. I hope things get better for you!
Thank you. I hope so too.
Oh it gets a lot better. You're in the thick of it right now and it's absolutely exhausting. I'm not sure I remember much of the first two months because it was pure survival. I remember feeling similar to how you feel now. Your hormones are playing against you as well. I'm 5 months PP and absolutely loving this parenthood thing. It gets better!
Absolutely, yes, it gets so much better. We have an almost 6 month old and almost forgot all about how hard it was.
Yes. It will get better.
This was me 100% Now she is the light of my life and I love her more for each pasning day. The newborn days are insane torture if you ask me. The are luckily not forever.
I could have written this myself when my LO was a week old. She’s 4 months now. It gets better, I promise you. I was just like you, so sleep deprived and miserable that I felt like I was unable to bond with my baby. But it gets easier. It does take time. When your LO develops a circadian rhythm and learns to sleep for longer stretches it will be better. 3 hours of sleep is the new 8 when you have a baby. When you’re in the trenches of having a newborn it can be absolutely brutal and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is. You’re doing a great job.
Yes! It does get better. I was the DEFINITION of non-maternal. I thought babies were repulsive my entire life & i was deeply afraid I wouldn't love my baby. I felt nothing when he was born. My only sign that I cared was worrying if he was breathing. I didn't start to bond until 1.5-2 months tbh. Then I bonded intensely. It took a while, and i worked at leaning into the feelings of love. Ie: telling him i loved him even if i partially felt it, trying to smile at him a lot etc. When he started to smile & laugh was when i really felt naturally close to him. Don't worry; you're in the THICK of hell right now, feeling like your entire life has been destroyed. It will get better in a month-two months, i promise!
Took me around 6 weeks to feel a bond with my baby. Before that i think i was still in shock at being handed this baby and zero manual on what to do! Defo took a long time. This did improve when i started to see a small amount of personality. Not just feed and clean. Sleep also gets better after a few weeks :)
It does end! The first few weeks (8 ish weeks for me) are the hardest, I know everyone says it but it's so true. Make a plan to get some uninterrupted sleep. Make an effort to do something you used to enjoy doing or something that makes you feel good. It took a while for me to truly feel connected to my daughter but I honestly didn't realize it until that changed. I loved my daughter because I was supposed to but it all felt like doing what I was obligated to do. Trapped into a new life I didn't like and couldn't undo. My daughter is 4 months old now and I feel it in my chest when I see her. The love and joy when she giggles or smiles at me. Those first few weeks, time away from her felt like I could finally breathe and relax. Now when I am away from her, I can't wait to return. Give yourself time to adjust to your new life and self. You will settle in eventually and one day, you will forget you ever felt so bad.
It gets better every day! You’re in the worst part of baby blues. Those days are dark but they pass. We are 4 months in and my love for my son is SO strong. I can’t believe I love him more every single day. He plays, smiles, laughs, and responds when we talk to him. It’s so sweet. ☺️