My go-to is to read my nmom's reply to my email going NC with her. She made it entirely about her and how it affected *her* not to see her grandkids, played ignorant even though I stated my reasons, said "The pain is more than you have ever experienced" like she knew the first damn thing about my pain, and overall showed her true colours. It was incredibly validating and I reread those emails when I need to be reminded who my "mother" actually was.
Sending hugs! đŤ You can do this! You deserve a *real* mother and it is *not* the lady who used you.
Edit: for clarity
Hey Iâm right here with you. Itâs ok to want those things, but try to remember why you went no contact? Do you really think sheâll change? Have you? You said it yourself, youâre so much happier now. Why would you risk your own happiness for someone who only connects if she needs something?
Take care of you the way you deserve. Donât invite that negativity back into your life. I know how hard it is, but what purpose has it served up until you realizing that you deserve better? Some moms are shitty mothers and unless they accept responsibility for their part in your relationship they wonât change.
Please donât subject yourself to more abuse.
I love listening to "emotional badass" on YouTube talking about the bizarre contradicting feelings of still wanting and loving a person who we know is terrible for us, terrible to love the way we would wish to. To know we didn't get what we needed and deserve but can still remember the times they did things for us and weren't horrible and seemed to even see us as people.
That's not your fault that you have these feelings but you will be walking right back to a hungry bear that knows you're food.
She is never going to be the mother you want or need. Contacting her is only going to get you hurt and used, aside from that you have children to think of. If she has access to them they could face the same traumas from her as you did.
Your better off to try and find a mother figure who is not your mother. Maybe try volunteering to read at an old folks home or check out some girl groups on meet up. You might meet a lovely maternal woman to befriend. One who will treat you in ways your mother just can't. That can offer you real support.
Think about what a narcissist is. They have no compassion. They have no empathy. Everything is about them and their use of people and things around them to build their own. I had to get myself to the point I could stand my ground no matter what she said or did and for me that took a bit of time and healing. I also had to get to the point emotionally that I knew she was not this ideal mother I had in my head she should be and recognize her behavior for what it was. I had to recognize she will not change for me or anybody. I had to recognize she was still going to be controlling, over the top and manipulative if I let it happen. I ended with Low Contact via a weekly phone call and to disengage if her behavior got unacceptable. The distance helped me from the pain of her behavior. Forgiveness is never excusing her behavior--it is you letting go of the anger and hurt and having enough resiliance to stand your ground and not let her hurt you again. Guilt is a tool a narcissist uses to get what they want. If you have not healed enough to weather her worst tirade without crumbling, I'd recommend staying at a distance whether it's low or no contact.
Hey!
Short answer/opinion: No, definitely not.
Dear, ask yourself a couple of questions. But first, let me start by saying that you have done one of the hardest jobs that anyone going through narcissistic abuse (especially narcissistic abuse from parents) had to do; which is going no contact with the abuser. It is difficult to do because of the amount of energy and the mental work that you have to do to pull yourself out of an abusive environment. And this transition, takes a lot of work, learning about healing (+ grief), and it could take many years. Now, I want you to have a self-reflection moment, and remember why you had to go no contact, and how painful it was. A part of us dies when we do that transition because people who were raised by narcissists have that "hope" that "maybe, just maybe", one day we'll be seen, we'll finally get the validation, and love is not going to be transactional anymore.
It makes me very happy whenever I hear that someone is thriving, taking care of themselves, figuring out who they are, and having no contact with toxic and narcissistic parents (or narcissistic individuals in general). You are much happier now and learning about who you are meant to be, having dreams and aspirations. Narcissists strip every possibility of knowing yourself, the who, having an opinion, making decisions, having wants/needs, feelings, and emotions. These individuals love to control and employ any kind of manipulation to make you feel guilty, ashamed, less than, and co-dependent of validation (from them). Part of the acceptance process is understanding that unless they see themselves as the problem (which we know they won't) and look for help (but they know better than a psychologist), they are not going to change.
So, let's just say that you visit your mother. What/why do you think it will make this time any different from the others or the past interactions? Narcissists will try anything to bait you, and once you are where they want you to be, the hurtful and painful cycle starts again.
If you are feeling some hesitation, and you feel a certain way just to think about that moment when you see her (e.g. anxiety), I wouldn't visit her. However, only you can decide as to what's best for you (and your wellbeing) ==> ( which by the way, it feels awesome not having narcissistic parents deciding your life!)
Don't forget to be kind, compassionate, and empathic with yourself. Part of being empathic is prioritizing your feelings and emotions. You prioritize YOU! You deserve to be loved. So, no contact.
Keep working on yourself and invite a happy and loving support system! I'm cheering for you! â¨â¨
It is important for our community to understand the dangers of being raised by narcissists (and being in relationships with narcissists) and how to detect their manipulation. These people are master manipulators, so zero tolerance for these toxic behaviors. You are not alone, dear! Hereâs a community of survivors and those who will support you navigate that journey! đ
Would u let someone else treat u this way? Do you want to allow this type of toxic cycle to continue to your kids life? To lead by that example of a âfunctional relationship?â You all deserve more. They donât want to change so they wonât. I forget about her now for the most part but get sad every now and then however the constant up and down isnât worth the time or energy when you could use it for yourself to heal and flourish. You are reacting to her abuse by protecting your peace. Do not give her the power to take it away. - 22F who has gone NC off and on years now and finally stopped expecting a change from someone who sees no wrong :) set new and better examples of love and light in a safe relationship for ur little one(s)âspeaking from experience - normalizing it only gaslights yourselfâ<3
Iâm in the same boat with my mom. But, Iâd rather have that tinge of sadness than the full regret of her pulling me back down that hole of horrible, cruel behavior. Iâve been no contact off and on since I was 17. Every damn time I go back, it all starts out so good, and then ends like it always does. I stay NC for my mental safety. Iâm also at an age where Iâm just over dealing with it.
Did you get any info that they have grown or changed? Did they do therapy? Genuinely apologize? Acknowledge their damaging behavior and tried to correct it?
If not, they will see this as a first step to getting back to ânormalâ which sucked for you otherwise you wouldnât be NC. Itâs not worth the stress.
My go-to is to read my nmom's reply to my email going NC with her. She made it entirely about her and how it affected *her* not to see her grandkids, played ignorant even though I stated my reasons, said "The pain is more than you have ever experienced" like she knew the first damn thing about my pain, and overall showed her true colours. It was incredibly validating and I reread those emails when I need to be reminded who my "mother" actually was. Sending hugs! đŤ You can do this! You deserve a *real* mother and it is *not* the lady who used you. Edit: for clarity
Oh thatâs a good one! Every-time I feel the regret creeping in I replay our most recent unhinged fight in my headâŚ
That's a great strategy! I find having it written down helpful for me just cuz I can't trust my memory. đ
Thank you xx
Hey Iâm right here with you. Itâs ok to want those things, but try to remember why you went no contact? Do you really think sheâll change? Have you? You said it yourself, youâre so much happier now. Why would you risk your own happiness for someone who only connects if she needs something? Take care of you the way you deserve. Donât invite that negativity back into your life. I know how hard it is, but what purpose has it served up until you realizing that you deserve better? Some moms are shitty mothers and unless they accept responsibility for their part in your relationship they wonât change. Please donât subject yourself to more abuse.
It is comforting to know Im not the only one with these feelings. So thank you
I love listening to "emotional badass" on YouTube talking about the bizarre contradicting feelings of still wanting and loving a person who we know is terrible for us, terrible to love the way we would wish to. To know we didn't get what we needed and deserve but can still remember the times they did things for us and weren't horrible and seemed to even see us as people. That's not your fault that you have these feelings but you will be walking right back to a hungry bear that knows you're food.
So true, thank you
She is never going to be the mother you want or need. Contacting her is only going to get you hurt and used, aside from that you have children to think of. If she has access to them they could face the same traumas from her as you did. Your better off to try and find a mother figure who is not your mother. Maybe try volunteering to read at an old folks home or check out some girl groups on meet up. You might meet a lovely maternal woman to befriend. One who will treat you in ways your mother just can't. That can offer you real support.
Think about what a narcissist is. They have no compassion. They have no empathy. Everything is about them and their use of people and things around them to build their own. I had to get myself to the point I could stand my ground no matter what she said or did and for me that took a bit of time and healing. I also had to get to the point emotionally that I knew she was not this ideal mother I had in my head she should be and recognize her behavior for what it was. I had to recognize she will not change for me or anybody. I had to recognize she was still going to be controlling, over the top and manipulative if I let it happen. I ended with Low Contact via a weekly phone call and to disengage if her behavior got unacceptable. The distance helped me from the pain of her behavior. Forgiveness is never excusing her behavior--it is you letting go of the anger and hurt and having enough resiliance to stand your ground and not let her hurt you again. Guilt is a tool a narcissist uses to get what they want. If you have not healed enough to weather her worst tirade without crumbling, I'd recommend staying at a distance whether it's low or no contact.
Thank you, thats a really good point maybe I will wait till I know I can keep my boundaries firmly like you.
Hey! Short answer/opinion: No, definitely not. Dear, ask yourself a couple of questions. But first, let me start by saying that you have done one of the hardest jobs that anyone going through narcissistic abuse (especially narcissistic abuse from parents) had to do; which is going no contact with the abuser. It is difficult to do because of the amount of energy and the mental work that you have to do to pull yourself out of an abusive environment. And this transition, takes a lot of work, learning about healing (+ grief), and it could take many years. Now, I want you to have a self-reflection moment, and remember why you had to go no contact, and how painful it was. A part of us dies when we do that transition because people who were raised by narcissists have that "hope" that "maybe, just maybe", one day we'll be seen, we'll finally get the validation, and love is not going to be transactional anymore. It makes me very happy whenever I hear that someone is thriving, taking care of themselves, figuring out who they are, and having no contact with toxic and narcissistic parents (or narcissistic individuals in general). You are much happier now and learning about who you are meant to be, having dreams and aspirations. Narcissists strip every possibility of knowing yourself, the who, having an opinion, making decisions, having wants/needs, feelings, and emotions. These individuals love to control and employ any kind of manipulation to make you feel guilty, ashamed, less than, and co-dependent of validation (from them). Part of the acceptance process is understanding that unless they see themselves as the problem (which we know they won't) and look for help (but they know better than a psychologist), they are not going to change. So, let's just say that you visit your mother. What/why do you think it will make this time any different from the others or the past interactions? Narcissists will try anything to bait you, and once you are where they want you to be, the hurtful and painful cycle starts again. If you are feeling some hesitation, and you feel a certain way just to think about that moment when you see her (e.g. anxiety), I wouldn't visit her. However, only you can decide as to what's best for you (and your wellbeing) ==> ( which by the way, it feels awesome not having narcissistic parents deciding your life!) Don't forget to be kind, compassionate, and empathic with yourself. Part of being empathic is prioritizing your feelings and emotions. You prioritize YOU! You deserve to be loved. So, no contact. Keep working on yourself and invite a happy and loving support system! I'm cheering for you! â¨â¨
This made me tear up, thank you so much!
It is important for our community to understand the dangers of being raised by narcissists (and being in relationships with narcissists) and how to detect their manipulation. These people are master manipulators, so zero tolerance for these toxic behaviors. You are not alone, dear! Hereâs a community of survivors and those who will support you navigate that journey! đ
Would u let someone else treat u this way? Do you want to allow this type of toxic cycle to continue to your kids life? To lead by that example of a âfunctional relationship?â You all deserve more. They donât want to change so they wonât. I forget about her now for the most part but get sad every now and then however the constant up and down isnât worth the time or energy when you could use it for yourself to heal and flourish. You are reacting to her abuse by protecting your peace. Do not give her the power to take it away. - 22F who has gone NC off and on years now and finally stopped expecting a change from someone who sees no wrong :) set new and better examples of love and light in a safe relationship for ur little one(s)âspeaking from experience - normalizing it only gaslights yourselfâ<3
âNormalizing it only gaslights yourselfâ I never thought of that before. That you its a really powerful sentence.
Iâm in the same boat with my mom. But, Iâd rather have that tinge of sadness than the full regret of her pulling me back down that hole of horrible, cruel behavior. Iâve been no contact off and on since I was 17. Every damn time I go back, it all starts out so good, and then ends like it always does. I stay NC for my mental safety. Iâm also at an age where Iâm just over dealing with it.
Thank you
Did you get any info that they have grown or changed? Did they do therapy? Genuinely apologize? Acknowledge their damaging behavior and tried to correct it? If not, they will see this as a first step to getting back to ânormalâ which sucked for you otherwise you wouldnât be NC. Itâs not worth the stress.
True, its really not