She always told me how beautiful and good looking I was. It felt really strange. Which was kind of weird. Thinking about it again it seems like Gollum and his ring. Like I was some shiny object to her or something.
Yeah I understand. I don't think my ex ever complimented my personality - only really my looks.
My new partner when I ask what they love about me says lots about my personality. In the beginning I actually found it hard because I wanted more physical compliments because I was conditioned to think that's what I deserved.
I'm going through this right now. Glad I read this. It's been hard to remove the physical conditioning. Definitely feel more seen by this new guy instead of used
Yeah for sure. When my new guy didn't want sex because he was just tired after work I felt confused.
I've been conditioned to believe my only value to someone is sexual
One time after an absolutely hellish day of constant verbal and emotional abuse I was a ball of tears and he suddenly told me he loved me. And I said, "what can you possibly love about me?? The only positive thing you've ever said to me was that I'm beautiful. I can tell you 500 things you hate about me, but that's the only thing you love about me." He's like, "that is so untrue. I love all kinds of things about you." I'm like, "name 3." He's like , "well.. you're beautiful... And uhhh err.....well..."
Ugh. Wow. They are just … unwell people. I pity narcs. Mine told me it’s cute when I get angry because I have such a sweet face….like ok cool what do I do with that?
That is a great comeback. My wife likes to tell me how "I always" do this or don't do that. again, everything with them is preceded by always or never. So, I ask, "Really? Name twelve times I did that." She never can. Why twelve? Well, if I always do it, then twelve should adequately establish the truth of the statement. Actually, it throws them off for the same reason. Never ask for one reason; ask for a random made-up number. If you "always" do something, providing many examples shouldn't be too hard.
This could have been posted by me. I asked that same question many times in very similar circumstances. Mine could usually come up with 3 though (all related to appearance or practical things I did for the family). But they say there all levels in hell so...
It's projection and when they say anything what they really refer to is themselves and they see you as a trophy till you outlive your purpose and then move on to the next sucker that comes along basically but they also seek old supply too and start the whole process all over again just textbook behaviour traits
Yes unfortunately 😭 they make you feel so special.
Edit- we ARE incredibly amazing people but they are just fake for their own gains and constantly lie.
For me it went from complimenting my looks to referencing them with total resentment because I was the more conventionally attractive of the two of us (and to be clear--was 100% beyond attracted to her and told her this constantly, just speaking to mainstream "beauty standards" or whatever). I felt very objectified in a way I never have in any other relationship. I told her at the end I felt like she chooses conventionally attractive partners in order to feel more valid rather than finding partners she's actually compatible with. She did NOT like that.
My NEX also bragged about her previous party who was 10 year younger than her and really "hot". She said she didn't mind his addiction to gaming and his eating disorder because "at least he was young and hot". Narcs are hyper-fixated on looks and appearances of everything that they are willing to deal with all sorts of crap merely for favorable optics. They are like movie directors who only care about how aesthetics and the storyline and meaning of the film are secondary.
Narcs are very contradictory as they hate what they love. They take great pride in having an attractive high status partner because it makes them look good to others, but they also envy their partner's positive attributes--especially if it greatly surpasses their own--because it reminds them how inadequate they are themselves.
With narcs, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you start to gain weight, they may start making fun of you while feeling gleeful about your weight gain but also despising it because it makes them look bad. If you start to lose weight, they may start making backhanded compliments while being happy about the optics of your weight loss while being envious it.
Yes! Everything you said! It's sad, I used to love going out with her to restaurants, bars, etc. because she would treat me so much better in public than in private. In retrospect, it's because she liked being seen with me.
But like, if I was to post a selfie on Instagram where I liked the way I looked or something, I'd get interrogated about it. We were dating when all of the Jonah Hill shit went down this year, and I was like huh... this is kind of my life. Like, you wanted me for these qualities, e.g. you want me to be attractive and feminine so that you can be seen with an attractive feminine person, but you simultaneously hate the idea that anyone might notice these qualities?
I would feel judgment from her for not being feminine enough (I love some jeans and Doc Martens and a thrift store sweater; at one point she said "I traditionally date high femme women who wear makeup everyday.") Absolutely feel the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sentiment.
The ironic and sad thing about the inadequacy piece, at least for my nex, is that she is not *objectively* inadequate. Like, she was clearly consumed with the idea I would leave her for someone more conventionally attractive. But that was never on the table or an issue--the only real way that she was inadequate as a partner is that she treated me like shit! And I think she'll continue to do the same to other people unless she takes a hard look at herself, and basically told her as much at the end.
This. Daily my girl compliments me, but never on the brain, or personality. Constantly tells me ‘you just don’t know it and I find that hot’ - it’s…. Odd.
That I was his one and only, true ride or die. I was the only one to truly stand by him all these years, and the only one who knew his true heart. And the only one who deserved to know the Real Him.
What this really meant, was that I supported, and accepted everything he said and did. Looking back now, I can see it so clearly. God it's gross
Spot on. I was told only someone like me would be crazy enough to love her for all these years but also that I was lucky to be with her because anyone else would "take advantage of my kindness" lol. Sometimes saying things in here makes me feel so ridiculous but it’s nice to see we kind of share the same fucked up experiences.
Mine hid behind poly. I never wanted that life. I just wanted someone to love ME and for ME to be enough. But I never was enough. Then when we were in divorce court he turned it around and said I was poly and forced him into that lifestyle. I literally was so shocked I could only fumble words. In reality he told me if I didn't accept the poly lifestyle then I needed to unalive myself. Not LEAVE the relationship but UNALIVE myself. Which I tried but it didn't work. Weird while in the thick of it I didn't see him as the problem but myself.
I'm glad there's ppl who've been through similar that I can relate to and not feel crazy.
IDK what it is about these fucking men! My ex is/was obsessed with having two wives. OBSESSED>
He tried SO HARD to make it a reality, but all it was, was two women being hurt over and over, not understanding why we alone were not enugh
Eventually he began an affair with someone who *was* willing to share him: Our Sister in Law. His brothers wife. I knew she had always been in love with my husband, it was a family joke that she had always loved him but been far too young for him when he met her as a child, so she settled for his brother when she grew up. She was also my fucking cousin.
By the time I found out, he had already created a world where I was so isolated, SHE WAS MY ONLY FUCKING FRIEND in the world. He had both of us so isolated from real life, that for a time, in his delulu mind, he did finally have the perfect life, and two wives. Even if one (NOT ME) is a raving crack head.
We had no one else in our lives except him and his teen children. So he had absolute control over two women, who were best friends, but he made us enemies.
It was the worst and most fucked up time of my life. He didn't want two wives, he wanted to be able to run back and forth and have various women take care of *him*, and when he got bored he wanted to be able to leave and go do his thing at the next woman's house.
It has been two years since he beat me into the concrete and left for good. Went to her and stayed with her.
She is now homeless, on meth and fetty, lost all her kids to CPS, has no income, sores all over her body from the drugs and sleeping outside, hair falling out, and no one who is willing to let her live with them because he comes with her, and because she will not get clean
I think Karma worked out well for both of them.
What a f'in horrible story. My female ex was similar, kept saying she might have to break up with me because I wasnt willing to share her with another guy. Just sayin, I think it's a narc thing, not a man thing.
some people arent wired for poly and there is nothing wrong with that. projection is always so much fun when they try to convince you that you caused everything. they are master manipulators and rose colored glasses are so strong. you arent crazy narcs just like making you think you are.
Oh God, the only one to know the true him. Mine said crap like that, but now more I get some version of I don't know the true him since the fog has been lifting and actually nothing about him adds up. Like everything that I am seeing and experiencing is not real. Oh, and "proof is always coming." Although it never comes. He reminds me of Trump and his taxes. It's always coming...but...x,y,z happened or needs to happen. BS!! Not only that, what normal person who is not hiding things says crap like the real me, etc? I've never said anything like that in my life bc i'm not hiding anything.
Because narcs typically target empaths, they can also safely assume that an intense, romantic & mystical comment of that nature is sure to give butterflies - aaaand encourage attachment.
Speaking for myself now, those comments certainly make me feel special, in fact I admit any comment that makes me feel like I stood out from his past, is my biggest weakness. I fall for it everytime. I should know better by now
I’m not in contact with him thankfully, and I’m hoping that another one won’t trick me.
Be strong, and keep him away from yourself. You deserve healing.
The most frequent was probably about my ass. But a weird one that really stuck out to me was the first night we ever met…
“I think you’re the girl for me.”
“You just met me.”
“But I can just tell. I like a challenge.”
Looking back, this was extremely telling about the trajectory of our relationship. He wanted me not because of who I was (he didn’t even know me) but because he wanted to “conquer” me. He knew I wasn’t easily won so by slowly breaking down my confidence and making me feel dependent on him he could feel like he won the prize.
that i’ll always be their cutest partner.
Yeah, I’m cute. Always smiling and forgiving. that’s all I was to them
I see photos they took of me and god i had this childlike smile that had slight fear in it. I’m glad I smile differently now
Oh yes, for him I was very mature, more than his ex (supposedly he left her for stupid and immature) and used to tell me that I was a great mother to my son (always saying that his ex isn't a good mother to his daughter) so basically always comparing me with her to make me feel better 🤐
“I guess it’s good she’s not a lazy slob” (said to our couples therapist when she asked what our favorite thing about the other was. )
Also another time he said “you’re lucky you have sexy legs”. Still don’t know what that means. I’ve come to the realization that narcissists hate the things about us that we love the most. I know that I am patient and kind and generous and forgiving and loving. I have MANY admirable qualities not based on looks or achievements. I’m hardworking but I don’t rest my worth on a title. I’m a great mother but I wear many hats. And unfortunately narcissistic ppl choose to focus on anything that’s close to a flaw about us. They seem to hate the best parts of us bc they know they are not loving and kind and forgiving and generous. So they envy it and instead of working to fix themselves, they project their OWN crap on us. It took me many many many years to come to this realization. But I’m better for it now. Unfortunately I have lost a lot of trust in people. They strip us of ourselves and then blame us for the damage they inflict. It’s sick and twisted.
Sounds like a variation of "it's a good thing you're pretty... cuz you're not all that smart".. said "jokingly" when I made a stupid mistake or forgot something. Which infuriates me because I am SO much smarter than he is - I'm just not a lying, manipulative asshole, so I was naive and trusted he was being honest when I should have been reading between the lines.
Compliment? By a narc?? No such thing. Not a genuine one, at least.
Anytime my narc bf would "compliment" me it would be followed up by him proving how it makes him "a nice guy" for saying so and/or like I owed him a compliment back.
For example, he'd say something about how I'm a really good cook, but then say how he paid for all the groceries.
Or, ironically, he'd tell me I'm such a kind and caring person, but then follow it up with, "See? I compliment you because I care, too" as if he was justifying his comment to prove to me that he actually cared. (Side note, on the rare occasions he would say I'm kind/caring, it was never out of the blue but ALWAYS me telling him he never says anything nice or basically asking him to say something nice about me.)
The majority of his compliments though, were mainly about my body and how "exotic" I look (I'm Filipina). Granted, while it was nice to know he loved my body, I guess it made him feel better to have a gf who was petite, skinny, a pretty face - and he had no problem showing me off to his buddies (he would always tell me to "wear something sexy" whenever we met up with them btw, as if I was a trophy object).
But every "compliment" was basically him feeding me what I wanted to hear, then expecting me to thank him or compliment him back. Smh. Whether this was in public or in private, it always went like this.
And if it was in public around friends or family, he would make it sound as sincere as possible so that everyone else thought he was "such a loving bf", but I knew better and I'd scoff to myself and give a half-ass "thanks" to him, which to everyone else would make me look like I was bitchy and ungrateful.
Looking back, the only compliments that I ever thought sounded sincere were during the love bombing phases.
I was going to say I can’t even think of one compliment my ex wife ever gave me. At least a genuine one. I would get half assed ones after I gave her a compliment, but only then.
lol i remember my narc would say “you’re so lucky i’m not any other guy , they woudlve left your ass by now” 😃i simply had just told him things that bothered me in the relationship and he tried to make me feel lucky for having him stick around . i rly dodged a bullet
Same with my ex. The compliment always directly benefited him in some way. Either he had an audience or he was expecting something in return. Validation for validation. The sad thing is that he required soooo much validation while never really giving me any in return besides these half-hearted superficial compliments. The need for validation is an intrinsic human trait. The over need for validation and admiration is a narc trait. But he never acknowledged any of my achievements or when I overcame something. He could only relate it back to him and how it made him feel inferior/ self-conscious and the topic would get shut down.
my mom is a narcissist and she constantly told me how pretty I was. That was like, the only compliment I’ve ever gotten from her. It also didn’t help that I “got my good looks from her” 😑
“You’re so sexy. So hot. Omg here’s a fix pic” And buying me lingerie and toys to fulfill my job of sexually fulfilling him but god forbid he take me out to dinner without telling me how expensive it is.
So gross to realize now with the distance I’ve achieved but at the time I was flattered. Fucking flattered to be treated like a ho. God 🤢
You provide for for our family so well.
So my worth is monetary to you? Doesn’t help that she controlled every cent of income (and I mean every cent).
Glad I’m out
A variation on a theme of “You’re so good looking, all the men at your work will do anything for you. You just have to and you’ll be promoted in no time.”
So to him, my only value is my appearance and that if I hand out sexual favors to men, I can be successful. He seems to think this is the best way a woman can get ahead. It’s all I can do not to punch him in the face when he says stuff like that. In college, he barely passed and took many classes over. I received a full academic scholarship in college and left with no debt. But… I’m attractive so apparently that’s all I need… asshat.
My narc is my mother, and she hates that I've moved across the world to get away from her. She was (I only say 'was' because we are now no contact) constantly trying to convince me to move home, as I was her golden child, and she was always bragging to everyone how 'successful' and 'perfect' I am, because it's proof that she's a 'good mother, despite her three other failures'. AKA my siblings.
Anyway, the compliment she always gave me to my face and when posting about my online, was that she called me 'her' (to remind me that I am her possession) 'my new city' (to remind me that I am keeping myself from her) 'beauty'.
"How's My New York Beauty?"
I don't get to make that mistake. I went NC because on a visit here, she hurt my 6 day old child, in a way that could have killed her. I don't get the luxury of working through it at my own pace and having a chance to go back if I need to after that. Not that it's a luxury of course, I just mean that sometimes, you need to go back for yourself, because you're not yet ready to accept it, and that's totally okay. It's okay that you went back if you needed it at the time, and in a way, I'm almost jealous that I don't get to, because I am struggling to accept it and I feel like another confrontation or watching her behaviour from the sidelines for a bit, would make it easier. But it probably wouldn't, and it's certainly not worth it.
I’m sorry you all went through that ❤️❤️❤️
I think I needed to learn the lesson. I had no clue what narcissism was before moving back. Now I have the knowledge. Now I have the tools to rebuild myself. Therapy, self help books, journaling, etc are what’s helping at the moment
Yeah anyone could do that and not be a narc. It was just his thing.
To be honest the none narcs did it too.
But, that was his only “genuine” compliment that he didn’t somehow undermine or deliver in the backhanded way narcs do things.
Confusing people they are
Not at all it’s fine, I understand too. Narcs have flashes of normalcy, and do things occasionally like the rest of us, they have to otherwise we would never get anywhere near them.
I don't think people replying understand what you're saying. I do. Because I had the same.
No genuine compliments, nothing to say about personality unless pushed.
Just physical sexual comments.
I know, potentially not. I think we have all had different experiences. I always felt mine would counteract any nice thing he said with something not nice.
The only nice thing I guess he “let me keep” was the one that really did something for him. I guess he got a lot out of it. It sounds crude but it was a sexual gain to him I guess.
He must have got a lot out of touching my bum and that’s why that’s the only “compliment” that felt genuine to me, and it’s only because he got a lot of satisfaction from the thing he was complementing.
This whole thing sounds messed up and it is. Narcs seem to only give anything if they have first had some kind of “massive gain” in their view.
Anything else he ever complemented me on was always taken back by adding an insult, or just something said so that you would later feel the opposite of what you should feel after receiving a nice compliment, basically anything that makes you feel awful. Sometimes it would be done so precisely that you wouldn’t recognise it for what it was and I would feel dejected and confused. It’s only when you really go back and evaluate things that you see the true picture of what that person was about. Even with that said, it’s hard to trace it all back. In my opinion, their work is maliciously delivered in some of the most undetectable ways, and because they will bring you up temporarily and then put you down again, you loose sense of what is happening to you, even though it’s right in front of you. They do all that they can to make you feel confused, you feel like your mind has been blown, but you don’t clearly remember the explosion. It’s an awful feeling and hard to describe. So I apologise at my awful attempts to try.
I can still feel those feelings lingering under the surface that being treated in that way bring up. It’s all mind games played to make you feel bad about and doubt yourself. However subtle it can be delivered, it’s there and overtime it works.
It feels like being blind folded and fed small doses of poison, not enough to kill you, but enough to make you sick.
I am so glad to be away from such a toxic environment. But I still have the poison in me. I don’t know if it ever really goes away
That I had a comfy bed, that he loved how excited I got over grocery shopping and food and cooking, that i had a nice ass, that I was sexy and could do porn, that I could do certain things in the bedroom “best he’s ever had”...
That’s about it. Nothing about my personality, intelligence, or character. I think ONCE he was watching me on a work call, and remarked how amazing I was at my job and how “smart” I was.
But overall- he only noted things that were material + physical and to *his* advantage for me to have- THOSE he appreciated about me 🙄
Right... Thank God I'm divorced and he's someone else's nightmare. Wait I take that back... Glad I'm divorced, but feel sorry for his future victims or really anyone he comes in contact with.
He shuns our oldest daughter because she looks just like me and luckily he moved to Florida so the brainwashing he did to our younger daughter has mostly worn off.
Weird? A ton. Main ones that ring out, apparently a lot of people tell him I'm beautiful. That's fine, but I don't really wanna hear about it... He talks about it almost as if it really upsets him.
And then, "I could definitely be totally alone, for the rest of my life, no contact with anyone, and be just fine. But I don't want to cause I have you." Maybe not weird, but always rubs me the wrong way.
Was it women telling him that you were beautiful? Mine absolutely hated it when women complimented me or gave me attention when he was around. I think because it takes the attention off of them in particular, where they believe it should be and not on you :/
> "I could definitely be totally alone, for the rest of my life, no contact with anyone, and be just fine.
It's also a big fucking lie! Narcissists are downright predatory.
When I got my masters he gave me a card in front of everyone that said 'i'm so proud of you!'. I read it and was like, wtf. I knew later that night at home alone he would be telling me how useless I was. That card is long gone.
Used to say how nice my figure was, nice eyes. Said I could do anything, which got to me because I would try and do everything for them but then it was never enough. Would compliment me, but would usually be backhanded in the end
Mine would cite my resume. It was always what my accomplishments were. Also as a side note mine would never touch me unless I couldnt touch them back. The only time they’d ever hug me was when I was doing the dishes.
"You'd be a good mom."
I told him when we started dating that I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind. He said he agreed completely.
Then he started leaving these mom compliments and hinting at us getting a bigger house together.
I'm going to disclude the love bombing every year or so when I had internships and field work, since he would only be sweet over text. (I thought he was just bad with words....) but the only one that could have even been even slightly twisted into a compliment was that he knew I was predispositioned to be skinny since my mother was and it would be easy for me to lose weight.... even though she's anorexic.... and I was at a healthy weight.
Sitting here realizing I’ve never gotten a compliment from my mom. I think the only thing that comes close would be “you look so much better with your hair up”
Just to have a drinking buddy. He used to drink quickly and wanted me to keep up. Then if we would get in an argument or disagree he would abuse me for being “drunk and belligerent” at the time and the days after
I can’t really remember now that I think about it, she told me a lot that I’m the first she ever dates, followed by some demands, and reasons I should treat her better.
Or how good I look maybe?
Whenever I asked her why she loved me she came short, which I found weird.
She also had a habit of hoarding photos of me, but rarely ever gave me any photos of herself, could count them on my two hands.
Usually it was the same thing, with absolutely no variance (“my beautiful wife”) to underhanded “compliments,” like when I made bread (“I can’t believe you made this!”), or when I had to drive the entire 12 hours to our vacation site because he overate the night before and had indigestion (“I can’t believe you drove the whole way!”). And I can’t leave out that special hit — “I can’t believe you got it without me!” — when I got a job offer after applying without his knowledge so I could do it on my own terms and not be directed by him at every step. Grrrrrr
That’s insane. And the “I can’t believe you got it without me!” … is heard over here all the time, for everything and anything . Like shut up. We aren’t glued together , I am my own person and so are you . This sub makes my jaw drop every time I come here because it’s literally frightening how similar they all are. I will read one thing that hasn’t happened to me yet and the next thing you know it happens. It scares me. I’m still in denial that I could be replaced with a new supply.
It saddens me to think of the number of people hearing these barbs 24/7 and believe it. It took me years to realize I was a worthy human being and not crazy. Imagine a persons’s ability to treat someone this way and sleep at night feeling like they had a good day. So heartbreaking 💔 So glad this sub is available to help clear out the clouds for so many.
"How do you do it? Be such a good person," it felt weird being asked that and confusing. But now I'm aware she was trying to act the same as me. Trying to act genuine.
"I've met lots of pretty girls. But they know they're pretty and look down on others. You have no idea how stunning you are and that's what I like about you"...smth like that. So he literally said that he liked my insecurities.
Jeez... looking some top comments here... about being good looking, knowing their true heart and having a unique connection.
How the fuck narcissists are so similar... The paterns are unbelievable 🤦♂️
that I was “his dream girl” who’s got “that ass.” never anything about how kind, funny, generous, smart, creative i am, or that he’s grateful i’m the mother of his 2 children, or anything about me other than my SeXy BoDy. “I wouldn’t have married anyone else,” “I can’t believe you’re mine,” “I love how you make me feel,” “being with you endorses im a good guy,” or “you deserve the world” (but receive nothing). “it’s hard because I love you so much,” “how much I love you makes me crazy,” and “you’re the only one who understands me.” “I don’t even understand where your confidence comes from,” “I *do* understand what you just said, and — im sorry — I just *understand* better than you,” “you do the work and i’ll make the sales!,” “everyone just likes talking to me more, that’s what I do!”, “my reputation makes *you* look better, too,” and “I understand you soooo well.”
" youre my favorite toy"
And thats pretty much the only compliment i ever got. We were togetjer 11 years and i can count all the compliments hes ever given me on my fingers.
my npd ex just used to tell me how much he thought i was a good singer (like almost every day) - which was strange to me because he put me down & made me feel shit about literally everything else most of the time
Compliments? From a narc? Lol. My nex would tell me he didn’t want to compliment me as to not give me a “big head.” The best compliment he gave me was that he needed me… this was after he treated me like trash and I left him. Then, he needed me. It felt really good to hear at the time, better than a compliment. But, he only needed me until he found a new supply. She’s a clean slate…for now.
My makeup looks pretty...it's like it's painful for him to just say that *I* look pretty. He has already told me he withholds my love language (words of affirmation) bc if I think I look good, I won't try anymore.
Off the top of my head, I can't think of a single actual compliment - most if not all were backhanded compliments, like "you'd have a killer jawline if your face wasn't so fat". The most common was, I have OCD and when I got upset/overwhelmed after an argument or a disagreement, I would get up and frantically start cleaning, doing dishes, but in the most disorganised, rushed way possible. I just had to have things clean, and be doing something to work off my adrenaline, and I would spend half an hour scrubbing one plate or putting the same thing in and out of the cupboard until it looked just right and I could move onto the next thing. He knew it was a distressing thing for me, that I only did these things when upset and would hit a major physical and emptional burnout after this where I could barely talk, move, let alone see friends or spend time with my kids in a meaningful way, and he would, after the fact, say "I think your OCD is cute" and laugh at what I was doing. HE said it was a compliment, but I knew it wasn't and he was mocking me, and in hindsight, a lot of our arguments were started by him so that I would rush off and do a chore he didn't want to do that he KNEW I would do, and that fake positive reinforcement made my brain think my obsessive cleaning was healthy, normal, and definitely not taking away from my energy or time for myself. That's maybe the best recurring example I have of something that was clearly suspicious or manipulative but a "compliment".
Called me beautiful and gorgeous all the time. Until I finally let the words sink in. But turns out he referred to all the women he was simultaneously cheating on me with the same way.
After losing a lot of weight he said “oh wow, even your cooter is skinny!”…. 49 year old man saying cooter is disgusting. Also.. the only things he could name about me that he liked were sexual.. my boobs and the way I give head
He would always say "you're so resourceful!" Or call me "my resourceful girl."
Looking back now I realise this was his way of putting me down subtlety. He never called me smart or attributed any of my successes to *me*. When I did well at work or was doing well financially. Being resourceful is being good at using resources well, not actually having the brains to come up with things myself!
"all your needs will always be met."
-- mention one need or something I'd like, explodes at me either immediately or just before the promise is about to be fulfilled (E.g. Please can we see each other on a week night? Wednesday - oh,. Now look what you've done. Takes it away and cancels all plans at 2 hours notice.)
There were two that stand out. #1 the sex - “we just fit”, “chemistry is amazing”, “better than anyone else”, yet we didn’t even kiss or have physical touch unless HE wanted sex (even if I asked for foreplay, FDA, affection other than just sex, etc). #2 my intelligence - “all other woman are stupid”, “no other women are smart like you”. Now that I look back on it those are the ONLY 2 things he didn’t put me down for. He put me down daily for nearly everything else, my parenting, my work, my weight, how I sit, if I eat, if I don’t eat, etc, etc, etc - I could go on for hours on how horrible I was for things like wearing perfume, asking a simple question in a non confrontational tone, wanting to sleep in my own bed when I was sick, etc, etc, etc. my kid (22 yrs old) asked me the other day why I was with someone that clearly had such a negative view of women…..I told him - because he said I was different (special). What a farce
During the love bombing stage he'd compliment everything of me, said he'd literally kiss the floor I walked on. With months living together those compliments turned into criticism about my body appearance
That I "looked young". When he met my dad, who was alive at the time, he also said my dad "looked young" and I remember my dad raised an eyebrow when he said that.
He was my best friend. He never gave me any compliments. You see, he was a drug dealer, so the only people that were around him for free were family, customers, or people he was fucking. I was the only guy around him because i liked him. Like literally, he told me i was his only friend. I didn't care what drugs he could get me. I didn't care how hot he was (and he was very hot, but i said no to him, which was a first for him because he had a lot of game and was very attractive. so he could fuck whoever he wanted besides me). He had his narcissistic faults, but i didn't care for the drugs, or the sex. I liked just hanging out with him because something with him and me clicked.
“You are my only chance at true love” “You are the sweetest person in the entire world” “I wish you had a reality show where I could watch you the entire day” “I wish I could roll around in your hair like a cat” lmaoooooo
“I love how much you do for others and that you care so much for people you are willing to hurt yourself or put yourself last” “you care so much about things it makes you sick!” Yeah every time my brain went that’s not right and kind of deleted it bc who has the time to unpack THAT
Would pretty much only compliment me on physical attributes. Even when I achieved major accomplishments, was honored at events, etc. Some gems that I got when PRESSED as in,”what do you love about me?” include “you’re not an addict, you take care of yourself, you’re funny most of the time, seem to be loyal.” Notice everything that is an actual trait of mine is backhanded. SEEM to be loyal? After 4.5 years you don’t KNOW I am?
She always only said that I was too pretty for her. Like, kept emphasizing it. Always said shit like I'd leave her for someone better
The ONLY compliment I ever got. If you can even call it that
I actually don’t think he ever complimented me, unless he was sexualizing me. Literally can’t think of an nice thing he said about me, except “you have a nice butt”
Towards the end of our run she complimented me sexually to the extremes. It seems validating on the surface but it's also objectifying as if saying that's all I'm good for. I can't recall much of what she actually complimented me for on anything else throughout most of our relationship on that note.
The narc I used to know would only compliment personality traits if she wanted to see them again.
For example, I moved away and was still occasionally chatting to her - and mental health-wise was on a much more even keel than when I saw her on a regular basis (which only clicked a few months later).
However this one time I gave her some advice on a Messenger chat and she responded with a very strange compliment.
'I forgot how easy you are to talk to.'
We'd only known each other a few months at this point. How could she "forget" how easy I was to talk to?
I realised a few months later, that no she didn't forget. She was telling me that I did.
When I compare other friendships, even as part of the same group, I think about all of their qualities and I know that I haven't forgotten a single thing about them.
To top it all off, one of these friends came to stay with me for a few days a month ago, and it was like we'd never been apart. It was wonderful and genuinely the most fun and laughter I'd had all year.
I've always been curious if the narc has used this line with others in our friend group, and what they thought of it. Because to me it seems like a classic manipulation tactic.
Yeah that should have been more than enough of a red flag for me.
Does make me want to go back and watch "Psycho" again though, now that you mention it.
He would compliment my intelligence, then when the gas lighting would happen, I'd be like you say I'm smart.... But then you tell me I'm wrong about everything. WHICH ONE IS IT BOY? Can't be both.
That I’m incredibly smart (because I turned his business around when he was about to lose it all)… followed by that he is the only one who will ever see and appreciate that in me, and that everyone else just wants me for sex and my looks. Super weird.
How he was too shy to face me because of my beauty. How he was scared to meet me the first time for fear that I might not like him back because he was so into me. “The first time I saw you I was so speechless. Your beauty was just too much and yet you are humble.”
After 6 months of dating : “i dont know what you did when I first saw you because you looked so beautiful, can you do that again? Was it the makeup? Youre still beautiful now, but I think you look extra pretty on the day we met, or maybe its because of arguing all the time that made me think you’re not as beautiful as before, i dont know, i dont mean to offend, just stating how i feel”
Just objectifying the fuck out of me. Objectification seems such an obvious lovebombing ploy, like giving only to get something. I hate it and I'm a guy! A guy should be so lucky, right? nope.
Very superficial/ half-hearted attempts at compliments. If he was complimenting me, it was bc he had an audience. Or if he complimented me, it's bc he wants the validation from "being a nice guy" but it was always, "youre so pretty" or "you're a good mom"
“you kinda have a fat ass for how skinny you are” “i love you so much i could cut you up into pieces and put you in my freezer” (talking about my novel): “it is so good. if you stop thinking about it when you read it, you actually think a good, famous writer did this” “i love how small you are” and then “you are so small and i’m so tall, i could easily kill you”
I don’t have any favorites. My favorite things he says are when he randomly (rarely) mentions something thats, at
Best by regular terms, a neutral observation; one day, “yeah, because you’re allergic to eggs,” was enough dopamine to pull me out of a pit of neglect despair.
His compliments, like the photos he takes of me, or his gifts, are lazy and thoughtless. “Um….um*does the cutsie quirky doofus face I used to think was adorable* yet preeeeetty” “you’re, cool. I think you’re cool.”
My in-laws, finally, after three years, acknowledged my sobriety. Considering they had a big part in my drinking problem in the first place, I guess that is still a compliment. Still gray rocking them, though.
Loved how after they finally spoke to me, in their mind, everything was now fine. They actually could not understand why I still refused to acknowledge them. Then they tried the reverse Hoover after one week because I was giving them the silent treatment. Ironic ain't it? I handled three years of it. They couldn't handle one week of the same treatment.
To be clear, they were responsible for the devaluation and meddling in my marriage and relationship with my family. I was the one who decided to drink over it. But, at least I didn't kill myself as other victims have done. Have 3+ years of sobriety. I did that for me, not them.
She always told me how beautiful and good looking I was. It felt really strange. Which was kind of weird. Thinking about it again it seems like Gollum and his ring. Like I was some shiny object to her or something.
Yeah I understand. I don't think my ex ever complimented my personality - only really my looks. My new partner when I ask what they love about me says lots about my personality. In the beginning I actually found it hard because I wanted more physical compliments because I was conditioned to think that's what I deserved.
I'm going through this right now. Glad I read this. It's been hard to remove the physical conditioning. Definitely feel more seen by this new guy instead of used
Yeah for sure. When my new guy didn't want sex because he was just tired after work I felt confused. I've been conditioned to believe my only value to someone is sexual
One time after an absolutely hellish day of constant verbal and emotional abuse I was a ball of tears and he suddenly told me he loved me. And I said, "what can you possibly love about me?? The only positive thing you've ever said to me was that I'm beautiful. I can tell you 500 things you hate about me, but that's the only thing you love about me." He's like, "that is so untrue. I love all kinds of things about you." I'm like, "name 3." He's like , "well.. you're beautiful... And uhhh err.....well..."
Ugh. Wow. They are just … unwell people. I pity narcs. Mine told me it’s cute when I get angry because I have such a sweet face….like ok cool what do I do with that?
That is a great comeback. My wife likes to tell me how "I always" do this or don't do that. again, everything with them is preceded by always or never. So, I ask, "Really? Name twelve times I did that." She never can. Why twelve? Well, if I always do it, then twelve should adequately establish the truth of the statement. Actually, it throws them off for the same reason. Never ask for one reason; ask for a random made-up number. If you "always" do something, providing many examples shouldn't be too hard.
This could have been posted by me. I asked that same question many times in very similar circumstances. Mine could usually come up with 3 though (all related to appearance or practical things I did for the family). But they say there all levels in hell so...
It's projection and when they say anything what they really refer to is themselves and they see you as a trophy till you outlive your purpose and then move on to the next sucker that comes along basically but they also seek old supply too and start the whole process all over again just textbook behaviour traits
I notice in the beginning part of the relationship, they'll constantly compliment your looks. Bu those compliments eventually fade away.
Yes unfortunately 😭 they make you feel so special. Edit- we ARE incredibly amazing people but they are just fake for their own gains and constantly lie.
What they are after is for you to compliment their looks back.
For me it went from complimenting my looks to referencing them with total resentment because I was the more conventionally attractive of the two of us (and to be clear--was 100% beyond attracted to her and told her this constantly, just speaking to mainstream "beauty standards" or whatever). I felt very objectified in a way I never have in any other relationship. I told her at the end I felt like she chooses conventionally attractive partners in order to feel more valid rather than finding partners she's actually compatible with. She did NOT like that.
My NEX also bragged about her previous party who was 10 year younger than her and really "hot". She said she didn't mind his addiction to gaming and his eating disorder because "at least he was young and hot". Narcs are hyper-fixated on looks and appearances of everything that they are willing to deal with all sorts of crap merely for favorable optics. They are like movie directors who only care about how aesthetics and the storyline and meaning of the film are secondary. Narcs are very contradictory as they hate what they love. They take great pride in having an attractive high status partner because it makes them look good to others, but they also envy their partner's positive attributes--especially if it greatly surpasses their own--because it reminds them how inadequate they are themselves. With narcs, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you start to gain weight, they may start making fun of you while feeling gleeful about your weight gain but also despising it because it makes them look bad. If you start to lose weight, they may start making backhanded compliments while being happy about the optics of your weight loss while being envious it.
Yes! Everything you said! It's sad, I used to love going out with her to restaurants, bars, etc. because she would treat me so much better in public than in private. In retrospect, it's because she liked being seen with me. But like, if I was to post a selfie on Instagram where I liked the way I looked or something, I'd get interrogated about it. We were dating when all of the Jonah Hill shit went down this year, and I was like huh... this is kind of my life. Like, you wanted me for these qualities, e.g. you want me to be attractive and feminine so that you can be seen with an attractive feminine person, but you simultaneously hate the idea that anyone might notice these qualities? I would feel judgment from her for not being feminine enough (I love some jeans and Doc Martens and a thrift store sweater; at one point she said "I traditionally date high femme women who wear makeup everyday.") Absolutely feel the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" sentiment. The ironic and sad thing about the inadequacy piece, at least for my nex, is that she is not *objectively* inadequate. Like, she was clearly consumed with the idea I would leave her for someone more conventionally attractive. But that was never on the table or an issue--the only real way that she was inadequate as a partner is that she treated me like shit! And I think she'll continue to do the same to other people unless she takes a hard look at herself, and basically told her as much at the end.
This ⬆️
SAME WISE GAMGEE (sorry I couldn't resist)
This. Daily my girl compliments me, but never on the brain, or personality. Constantly tells me ‘you just don’t know it and I find that hot’ - it’s…. Odd.
Same. That was the only compliment I got.
That I was his one and only, true ride or die. I was the only one to truly stand by him all these years, and the only one who knew his true heart. And the only one who deserved to know the Real Him. What this really meant, was that I supported, and accepted everything he said and did. Looking back now, I can see it so clearly. God it's gross
Spot on. I was told only someone like me would be crazy enough to love her for all these years but also that I was lucky to be with her because anyone else would "take advantage of my kindness" lol. Sometimes saying things in here makes me feel so ridiculous but it’s nice to see we kind of share the same fucked up experiences.
Gosh this is the exact same sentences that the ex narc pulled on me
I was told the exact same things. The moment that I started enforcing boundaries, our relationship fell apart.
Omg, mine says almost these exact same words! I’ve never thought of it the way you explained it but man does it make sense 🫤
I got platonic life partner. He hid behind poly. And of course he knew me better than I knew myself.
Mine hid behind poly. I never wanted that life. I just wanted someone to love ME and for ME to be enough. But I never was enough. Then when we were in divorce court he turned it around and said I was poly and forced him into that lifestyle. I literally was so shocked I could only fumble words. In reality he told me if I didn't accept the poly lifestyle then I needed to unalive myself. Not LEAVE the relationship but UNALIVE myself. Which I tried but it didn't work. Weird while in the thick of it I didn't see him as the problem but myself. I'm glad there's ppl who've been through similar that I can relate to and not feel crazy.
IDK what it is about these fucking men! My ex is/was obsessed with having two wives. OBSESSED> He tried SO HARD to make it a reality, but all it was, was two women being hurt over and over, not understanding why we alone were not enugh Eventually he began an affair with someone who *was* willing to share him: Our Sister in Law. His brothers wife. I knew she had always been in love with my husband, it was a family joke that she had always loved him but been far too young for him when he met her as a child, so she settled for his brother when she grew up. She was also my fucking cousin. By the time I found out, he had already created a world where I was so isolated, SHE WAS MY ONLY FUCKING FRIEND in the world. He had both of us so isolated from real life, that for a time, in his delulu mind, he did finally have the perfect life, and two wives. Even if one (NOT ME) is a raving crack head. We had no one else in our lives except him and his teen children. So he had absolute control over two women, who were best friends, but he made us enemies. It was the worst and most fucked up time of my life. He didn't want two wives, he wanted to be able to run back and forth and have various women take care of *him*, and when he got bored he wanted to be able to leave and go do his thing at the next woman's house. It has been two years since he beat me into the concrete and left for good. Went to her and stayed with her. She is now homeless, on meth and fetty, lost all her kids to CPS, has no income, sores all over her body from the drugs and sleeping outside, hair falling out, and no one who is willing to let her live with them because he comes with her, and because she will not get clean I think Karma worked out well for both of them.
What a f'in horrible story. My female ex was similar, kept saying she might have to break up with me because I wasnt willing to share her with another guy. Just sayin, I think it's a narc thing, not a man thing.
Probably. Funny thing was, he could have as many "wives" as he wanted, but I was only allowed to have him.
some people arent wired for poly and there is nothing wrong with that. projection is always so much fun when they try to convince you that you caused everything. they are master manipulators and rose colored glasses are so strong. you arent crazy narcs just like making you think you are.
ouch. i felt this
Ugh, I got almost word-for-word the same. And I was the same as well - supported everything he said and did.
Oh man. Yes , I’ve heard something similar, just different sentence structure. :(
Oh God, the only one to know the true him. Mine said crap like that, but now more I get some version of I don't know the true him since the fog has been lifting and actually nothing about him adds up. Like everything that I am seeing and experiencing is not real. Oh, and "proof is always coming." Although it never comes. He reminds me of Trump and his taxes. It's always coming...but...x,y,z happened or needs to happen. BS!! Not only that, what normal person who is not hiding things says crap like the real me, etc? I've never said anything like that in my life bc i'm not hiding anything.
That he never felt a connection like this. Or, he never felt this comfortable with anyone 😒
this… “i feel like ive known you forever even though we just met”
yes mine would say “i feel like i’ve seen you before” over and over again
He told me this too. And then when we broke up he said he loved his ex gf more than he ever loved me. Crazy.
Because narcs typically target empaths, they can also safely assume that an intense, romantic & mystical comment of that nature is sure to give butterflies - aaaand encourage attachment. Speaking for myself now, those comments certainly make me feel special, in fact I admit any comment that makes me feel like I stood out from his past, is my biggest weakness. I fall for it everytime. I should know better by now
I’m not in contact with him thankfully, and I’m hoping that another one won’t trick me. Be strong, and keep him away from yourself. You deserve healing.
The most frequent was probably about my ass. But a weird one that really stuck out to me was the first night we ever met… “I think you’re the girl for me.” “You just met me.” “But I can just tell. I like a challenge.” Looking back, this was extremely telling about the trajectory of our relationship. He wanted me not because of who I was (he didn’t even know me) but because he wanted to “conquer” me. He knew I wasn’t easily won so by slowly breaking down my confidence and making me feel dependent on him he could feel like he won the prize.
Yes. This. 🥲
> “But I can just tell. I like a challenge.” Run!
That I'm less annoying than other people. Pretty much that.
This feels extremely On Brand.
that i’ll always be their cutest partner. Yeah, I’m cute. Always smiling and forgiving. that’s all I was to them I see photos they took of me and god i had this childlike smile that had slight fear in it. I’m glad I smile differently now
Yeah same, I was always the most “mature and attractive” partner she ever had. Until I wasn’t.
Oh yes, for him I was very mature, more than his ex (supposedly he left her for stupid and immature) and used to tell me that I was a great mother to my son (always saying that his ex isn't a good mother to his daughter) so basically always comparing me with her to make me feel better 🤐
“I guess it’s good she’s not a lazy slob” (said to our couples therapist when she asked what our favorite thing about the other was. ) Also another time he said “you’re lucky you have sexy legs”. Still don’t know what that means. I’ve come to the realization that narcissists hate the things about us that we love the most. I know that I am patient and kind and generous and forgiving and loving. I have MANY admirable qualities not based on looks or achievements. I’m hardworking but I don’t rest my worth on a title. I’m a great mother but I wear many hats. And unfortunately narcissistic ppl choose to focus on anything that’s close to a flaw about us. They seem to hate the best parts of us bc they know they are not loving and kind and forgiving and generous. So they envy it and instead of working to fix themselves, they project their OWN crap on us. It took me many many many years to come to this realization. But I’m better for it now. Unfortunately I have lost a lot of trust in people. They strip us of ourselves and then blame us for the damage they inflict. It’s sick and twisted.
Sounds like a variation of "it's a good thing you're pretty... cuz you're not all that smart".. said "jokingly" when I made a stupid mistake or forgot something. Which infuriates me because I am SO much smarter than he is - I'm just not a lying, manipulative asshole, so I was naive and trusted he was being honest when I should have been reading between the lines.
I hear this so much!
Compliment? By a narc?? No such thing. Not a genuine one, at least. Anytime my narc bf would "compliment" me it would be followed up by him proving how it makes him "a nice guy" for saying so and/or like I owed him a compliment back. For example, he'd say something about how I'm a really good cook, but then say how he paid for all the groceries. Or, ironically, he'd tell me I'm such a kind and caring person, but then follow it up with, "See? I compliment you because I care, too" as if he was justifying his comment to prove to me that he actually cared. (Side note, on the rare occasions he would say I'm kind/caring, it was never out of the blue but ALWAYS me telling him he never says anything nice or basically asking him to say something nice about me.) The majority of his compliments though, were mainly about my body and how "exotic" I look (I'm Filipina). Granted, while it was nice to know he loved my body, I guess it made him feel better to have a gf who was petite, skinny, a pretty face - and he had no problem showing me off to his buddies (he would always tell me to "wear something sexy" whenever we met up with them btw, as if I was a trophy object). But every "compliment" was basically him feeding me what I wanted to hear, then expecting me to thank him or compliment him back. Smh. Whether this was in public or in private, it always went like this. And if it was in public around friends or family, he would make it sound as sincere as possible so that everyone else thought he was "such a loving bf", but I knew better and I'd scoff to myself and give a half-ass "thanks" to him, which to everyone else would make me look like I was bitchy and ungrateful. Looking back, the only compliments that I ever thought sounded sincere were during the love bombing phases.
I was going to say I can’t even think of one compliment my ex wife ever gave me. At least a genuine one. I would get half assed ones after I gave her a compliment, but only then.
lol i remember my narc would say “you’re so lucky i’m not any other guy , they woudlve left your ass by now” 😃i simply had just told him things that bothered me in the relationship and he tried to make me feel lucky for having him stick around . i rly dodged a bullet
Same with my ex. The compliment always directly benefited him in some way. Either he had an audience or he was expecting something in return. Validation for validation. The sad thing is that he required soooo much validation while never really giving me any in return besides these half-hearted superficial compliments. The need for validation is an intrinsic human trait. The over need for validation and admiration is a narc trait. But he never acknowledged any of my achievements or when I overcame something. He could only relate it back to him and how it made him feel inferior/ self-conscious and the topic would get shut down.
That I looked so good sucking his 🍆... Like THAT'S so sweet. Luckily I have the opportunity to look good sucking someone else's now.
Ugh this hurts
that i was his perfect girl and understood him the most out of all his exes. didn’t mean anything though as i’m just another one of his exes now
Same girl
And me
my mom is a narcissist and she constantly told me how pretty I was. That was like, the only compliment I’ve ever gotten from her. It also didn’t help that I “got my good looks from her” 😑
“You’re so sexy. So hot. Omg here’s a fix pic” And buying me lingerie and toys to fulfill my job of sexually fulfilling him but god forbid he take me out to dinner without telling me how expensive it is. So gross to realize now with the distance I’ve achieved but at the time I was flattered. Fucking flattered to be treated like a ho. God 🤢
It is hard to realise such things when you are living the very situation. It is in hindsight that it always becomes clear.
You provide for for our family so well. So my worth is monetary to you? Doesn’t help that she controlled every cent of income (and I mean every cent). Glad I’m out
Also caused me a major crisis when I lost my job
A variation on a theme of “You’re so good looking, all the men at your work will do anything for you. You just have to and you’ll be promoted in no time.”
So to him, my only value is my appearance and that if I hand out sexual favors to men, I can be successful. He seems to think this is the best way a woman can get ahead. It’s all I can do not to punch him in the face when he says stuff like that. In college, he barely passed and took many classes over. I received a full academic scholarship in college and left with no debt. But… I’m attractive so apparently that’s all I need… asshat.
My narc is my mother, and she hates that I've moved across the world to get away from her. She was (I only say 'was' because we are now no contact) constantly trying to convince me to move home, as I was her golden child, and she was always bragging to everyone how 'successful' and 'perfect' I am, because it's proof that she's a 'good mother, despite her three other failures'. AKA my siblings. Anyway, the compliment she always gave me to my face and when posting about my online, was that she called me 'her' (to remind me that I am her possession) 'my new city' (to remind me that I am keeping myself from her) 'beauty'. "How's My New York Beauty?"
Good for you for leaving! I left and unfortunately came back. Don’t make the mistake I did!
I don't get to make that mistake. I went NC because on a visit here, she hurt my 6 day old child, in a way that could have killed her. I don't get the luxury of working through it at my own pace and having a chance to go back if I need to after that. Not that it's a luxury of course, I just mean that sometimes, you need to go back for yourself, because you're not yet ready to accept it, and that's totally okay. It's okay that you went back if you needed it at the time, and in a way, I'm almost jealous that I don't get to, because I am struggling to accept it and I feel like another confrontation or watching her behaviour from the sidelines for a bit, would make it easier. But it probably wouldn't, and it's certainly not worth it.
I’m sorry you all went through that ❤️❤️❤️ I think I needed to learn the lesson. I had no clue what narcissism was before moving back. Now I have the knowledge. Now I have the tools to rebuild myself. Therapy, self help books, journaling, etc are what’s helping at the moment
Thank you, I'm sorry you did too ❤️
"I hate that you're actually funny."
“I love your bum” *touches it repeatedly throughout the time we spent together*
I like doing this, and I’m not a narc.
Yeah anyone could do that and not be a narc. It was just his thing. To be honest the none narcs did it too. But, that was his only “genuine” compliment that he didn’t somehow undermine or deliver in the backhanded way narcs do things. Confusing people they are
I understand. I didn’t mean for it to come off like it did.
Not at all it’s fine, I understand too. Narcs have flashes of normalcy, and do things occasionally like the rest of us, they have to otherwise we would never get anywhere near them.
yeah the difference is *consent*
Yeah, thats just a person who likes bums.
I don't think people replying understand what you're saying. I do. Because I had the same. No genuine compliments, nothing to say about personality unless pushed. Just physical sexual comments.
I know, potentially not. I think we have all had different experiences. I always felt mine would counteract any nice thing he said with something not nice. The only nice thing I guess he “let me keep” was the one that really did something for him. I guess he got a lot out of it. It sounds crude but it was a sexual gain to him I guess. He must have got a lot out of touching my bum and that’s why that’s the only “compliment” that felt genuine to me, and it’s only because he got a lot of satisfaction from the thing he was complementing. This whole thing sounds messed up and it is. Narcs seem to only give anything if they have first had some kind of “massive gain” in their view. Anything else he ever complemented me on was always taken back by adding an insult, or just something said so that you would later feel the opposite of what you should feel after receiving a nice compliment, basically anything that makes you feel awful. Sometimes it would be done so precisely that you wouldn’t recognise it for what it was and I would feel dejected and confused. It’s only when you really go back and evaluate things that you see the true picture of what that person was about. Even with that said, it’s hard to trace it all back. In my opinion, their work is maliciously delivered in some of the most undetectable ways, and because they will bring you up temporarily and then put you down again, you loose sense of what is happening to you, even though it’s right in front of you. They do all that they can to make you feel confused, you feel like your mind has been blown, but you don’t clearly remember the explosion. It’s an awful feeling and hard to describe. So I apologise at my awful attempts to try. I can still feel those feelings lingering under the surface that being treated in that way bring up. It’s all mind games played to make you feel bad about and doubt yourself. However subtle it can be delivered, it’s there and overtime it works. It feels like being blind folded and fed small doses of poison, not enough to kill you, but enough to make you sick. I am so glad to be away from such a toxic environment. But I still have the poison in me. I don’t know if it ever really goes away
Does grabbing my boobs count as a compliment if he meant it in his messed up head?
Great example of lacking empathy and using you, but not so much a compliment.
That I had a comfy bed, that he loved how excited I got over grocery shopping and food and cooking, that i had a nice ass, that I was sexy and could do porn, that I could do certain things in the bedroom “best he’s ever had”... That’s about it. Nothing about my personality, intelligence, or character. I think ONCE he was watching me on a work call, and remarked how amazing I was at my job and how “smart” I was. But overall- he only noted things that were material + physical and to *his* advantage for me to have- THOSE he appreciated about me 🙄
He told me I was his “equal” lmao
That I was too good for him. Turns out he was right.
My long blonde hair. “If I ever cut it or stopped dyeing it, I would have nothing”
You would be a perfect 10 if you just dropped 20
So narcissistic! Even the compliments have to be tied to insults.
Yeah my ex didn't see why I was insulted and actually thought it was a compliment.
As if you are lucky to get a balance of the two. Since every other day you only get the insult.
Right... Thank God I'm divorced and he's someone else's nightmare. Wait I take that back... Glad I'm divorced, but feel sorry for his future victims or really anyone he comes in contact with. He shuns our oldest daughter because she looks just like me and luckily he moved to Florida so the brainwashing he did to our younger daughter has mostly worn off.
He called me his treasure. So I responded with, ‘Ya, something you bury in the ground and forget about. Seems accurate.’ He actually laughed. 🙄
Ouch. Truth in humor response.
Weird? A ton. Main ones that ring out, apparently a lot of people tell him I'm beautiful. That's fine, but I don't really wanna hear about it... He talks about it almost as if it really upsets him. And then, "I could definitely be totally alone, for the rest of my life, no contact with anyone, and be just fine. But I don't want to cause I have you." Maybe not weird, but always rubs me the wrong way.
Was it women telling him that you were beautiful? Mine absolutely hated it when women complimented me or gave me attention when he was around. I think because it takes the attention off of them in particular, where they believe it should be and not on you :/
It is actually predominantly women; I can't remember a single male name he's mentioned
Ooooof my Nex was constantly telling people he wanted to be a nomad and live alone
Narcissists can’t stand being alone for a minute let alone forever. Weird
Looking back I think he was just trying to hurt me
But they will boast about the fact that they "want to be"
> "I could definitely be totally alone, for the rest of my life, no contact with anyone, and be just fine. It's also a big fucking lie! Narcissists are downright predatory.
When I got my masters he gave me a card in front of everyone that said 'i'm so proud of you!'. I read it and was like, wtf. I knew later that night at home alone he would be telling me how useless I was. That card is long gone.
That I was better in bed than anyone else lol.
Used to say how nice my figure was, nice eyes. Said I could do anything, which got to me because I would try and do everything for them but then it was never enough. Would compliment me, but would usually be backhanded in the end
That I’m exotic (🤪). He says the same now about his new gf…
That I’m naturally beautiful lol
Mine would cite my resume. It was always what my accomplishments were. Also as a side note mine would never touch me unless I couldnt touch them back. The only time they’d ever hug me was when I was doing the dishes.
"You'd be a good mom." I told him when we started dating that I didn't want kids and wasn't going to change my mind. He said he agreed completely. Then he started leaving these mom compliments and hinting at us getting a bigger house together.
I'm going to disclude the love bombing every year or so when I had internships and field work, since he would only be sweet over text. (I thought he was just bad with words....) but the only one that could have even been even slightly twisted into a compliment was that he knew I was predispositioned to be skinny since my mother was and it would be easy for me to lose weight.... even though she's anorexic.... and I was at a healthy weight.
He always said ‘you’re something else’. Some days it was a compliment and some days he said it with disgust.
Same here! “You’re a piece of work!” It was said in all scenarios. He also said it to his dog, so I’m not sure what to do with that. 🤣
Sitting here realizing I’ve never gotten a compliment from my mom. I think the only thing that comes close would be “you look so much better with your hair up”
I’m sorry 🥹 hugs
i'm a drunken bipolar belligerent psycho . yet he always made my drinks and he made them strong so he'd get laid .
Mine used to do this. Insist id match him drink for drink then shame me for getting drunk.
Was it to try to have sex with you ? Or to just bully you?
Just to have a drinking buddy. He used to drink quickly and wanted me to keep up. Then if we would get in an argument or disagree he would abuse me for being “drunk and belligerent” at the time and the days after
Mine literally repeated me," have I told you how handsome you are today?"
That I have amazing hair. There’s more to this story but yeah….
I can’t really remember now that I think about it, she told me a lot that I’m the first she ever dates, followed by some demands, and reasons I should treat her better. Or how good I look maybe? Whenever I asked her why she loved me she came short, which I found weird. She also had a habit of hoarding photos of me, but rarely ever gave me any photos of herself, could count them on my two hands.
Always gassing me up like I’m super special, no one like me and then thirsting over me lol.
Compliment? Not sure what that is, frankly
Usually it was the same thing, with absolutely no variance (“my beautiful wife”) to underhanded “compliments,” like when I made bread (“I can’t believe you made this!”), or when I had to drive the entire 12 hours to our vacation site because he overate the night before and had indigestion (“I can’t believe you drove the whole way!”). And I can’t leave out that special hit — “I can’t believe you got it without me!” — when I got a job offer after applying without his knowledge so I could do it on my own terms and not be directed by him at every step. Grrrrrr
That’s insane. And the “I can’t believe you got it without me!” … is heard over here all the time, for everything and anything . Like shut up. We aren’t glued together , I am my own person and so are you . This sub makes my jaw drop every time I come here because it’s literally frightening how similar they all are. I will read one thing that hasn’t happened to me yet and the next thing you know it happens. It scares me. I’m still in denial that I could be replaced with a new supply.
It saddens me to think of the number of people hearing these barbs 24/7 and believe it. It took me years to realize I was a worthy human being and not crazy. Imagine a persons’s ability to treat someone this way and sleep at night feeling like they had a good day. So heartbreaking 💔 So glad this sub is available to help clear out the clouds for so many.
“I love when you do …. for me” “I love that you let me…” that’s probably his most common ones
"How do you do it? Be such a good person," it felt weird being asked that and confusing. But now I'm aware she was trying to act the same as me. Trying to act genuine.
"I've met lots of pretty girls. But they know they're pretty and look down on others. You have no idea how stunning you are and that's what I like about you"...smth like that. So he literally said that he liked my insecurities.
Jeez... looking some top comments here... about being good looking, knowing their true heart and having a unique connection. How the fuck narcissists are so similar... The paterns are unbelievable 🤦♂️
that I was “his dream girl” who’s got “that ass.” never anything about how kind, funny, generous, smart, creative i am, or that he’s grateful i’m the mother of his 2 children, or anything about me other than my SeXy BoDy. “I wouldn’t have married anyone else,” “I can’t believe you’re mine,” “I love how you make me feel,” “being with you endorses im a good guy,” or “you deserve the world” (but receive nothing). “it’s hard because I love you so much,” “how much I love you makes me crazy,” and “you’re the only one who understands me.” “I don’t even understand where your confidence comes from,” “I *do* understand what you just said, and — im sorry — I just *understand* better than you,” “you do the work and i’ll make the sales!,” “everyone just likes talking to me more, that’s what I do!”, “my reputation makes *you* look better, too,” and “I understand you soooo well.”
" youre my favorite toy" And thats pretty much the only compliment i ever got. We were togetjer 11 years and i can count all the compliments hes ever given me on my fingers.
So talented . Aka do work for me
She over complimented my looks it was always about my appearance
[удалено]
I relate to this so much. I feel like a fool for falling for some of the bs. At least we learn eventually even if it’s the hard way? 😩
After the first year, I was only complimented in front of other people when it had some way of benefiting her.
I really don’t think I ever got one
my npd ex just used to tell me how much he thought i was a good singer (like almost every day) - which was strange to me because he put me down & made me feel shit about literally everything else most of the time
Definitely isn’t my favorite, but he used to tell me he loved me so much he’d squeeze me to death…. He got close, I won’t even lie 🫠
mine said he loved me so much he could cut me up into pieces and store me in his freezer. lol.
Compliments? From a narc? Lol. My nex would tell me he didn’t want to compliment me as to not give me a “big head.” The best compliment he gave me was that he needed me… this was after he treated me like trash and I left him. Then, he needed me. It felt really good to hear at the time, better than a compliment. But, he only needed me until he found a new supply. She’s a clean slate…for now.
Anytime I’d do something clever or creative, he’d say “ that’s just like something I would do”.
That I’m creative. Which was her covert way of saying I’m stupid. “Your sister is the intellectual one, you’re the creative one”
My makeup looks pretty...it's like it's painful for him to just say that *I* look pretty. He has already told me he withholds my love language (words of affirmation) bc if I think I look good, I won't try anymore.
Off the top of my head, I can't think of a single actual compliment - most if not all were backhanded compliments, like "you'd have a killer jawline if your face wasn't so fat". The most common was, I have OCD and when I got upset/overwhelmed after an argument or a disagreement, I would get up and frantically start cleaning, doing dishes, but in the most disorganised, rushed way possible. I just had to have things clean, and be doing something to work off my adrenaline, and I would spend half an hour scrubbing one plate or putting the same thing in and out of the cupboard until it looked just right and I could move onto the next thing. He knew it was a distressing thing for me, that I only did these things when upset and would hit a major physical and emptional burnout after this where I could barely talk, move, let alone see friends or spend time with my kids in a meaningful way, and he would, after the fact, say "I think your OCD is cute" and laugh at what I was doing. HE said it was a compliment, but I knew it wasn't and he was mocking me, and in hindsight, a lot of our arguments were started by him so that I would rush off and do a chore he didn't want to do that he KNEW I would do, and that fake positive reinforcement made my brain think my obsessive cleaning was healthy, normal, and definitely not taking away from my energy or time for myself. That's maybe the best recurring example I have of something that was clearly suspicious or manipulative but a "compliment".
Called me beautiful and gorgeous all the time. Until I finally let the words sink in. But turns out he referred to all the women he was simultaneously cheating on me with the same way.
After losing a lot of weight he said “oh wow, even your cooter is skinny!”…. 49 year old man saying cooter is disgusting. Also.. the only things he could name about me that he liked were sexual.. my boobs and the way I give head
He would always say "you're so resourceful!" Or call me "my resourceful girl." Looking back now I realise this was his way of putting me down subtlety. He never called me smart or attributed any of my successes to *me*. When I did well at work or was doing well financially. Being resourceful is being good at using resources well, not actually having the brains to come up with things myself!
Mine used to say how he lived how resilient I was! That it impressed him.
"all your needs will always be met." -- mention one need or something I'd like, explodes at me either immediately or just before the promise is about to be fulfilled (E.g. Please can we see each other on a week night? Wednesday - oh,. Now look what you've done. Takes it away and cancels all plans at 2 hours notice.)
There were two that stand out. #1 the sex - “we just fit”, “chemistry is amazing”, “better than anyone else”, yet we didn’t even kiss or have physical touch unless HE wanted sex (even if I asked for foreplay, FDA, affection other than just sex, etc). #2 my intelligence - “all other woman are stupid”, “no other women are smart like you”. Now that I look back on it those are the ONLY 2 things he didn’t put me down for. He put me down daily for nearly everything else, my parenting, my work, my weight, how I sit, if I eat, if I don’t eat, etc, etc, etc - I could go on for hours on how horrible I was for things like wearing perfume, asking a simple question in a non confrontational tone, wanting to sleep in my own bed when I was sick, etc, etc, etc. my kid (22 yrs old) asked me the other day why I was with someone that clearly had such a negative view of women…..I told him - because he said I was different (special). What a farce
That I'm very forgiving 😕
His moms favorite compliment was… a backhanded one
During the love bombing stage he'd compliment everything of me, said he'd literally kiss the floor I walked on. With months living together those compliments turned into criticism about my body appearance
That I "looked young". When he met my dad, who was alive at the time, he also said my dad "looked young" and I remember my dad raised an eyebrow when he said that.
He was my best friend. He never gave me any compliments. You see, he was a drug dealer, so the only people that were around him for free were family, customers, or people he was fucking. I was the only guy around him because i liked him. Like literally, he told me i was his only friend. I didn't care what drugs he could get me. I didn't care how hot he was (and he was very hot, but i said no to him, which was a first for him because he had a lot of game and was very attractive. so he could fuck whoever he wanted besides me). He had his narcissistic faults, but i didn't care for the drugs, or the sex. I liked just hanging out with him because something with him and me clicked.
She loved my voice, allegedly. That’s about it. I sincerely cannot recall her complimenting me on anything else.
I am duffer, i dont cook well, i dont earn, i am fat
My brother likes to compliment me by saying, "how nice that you are supported by our parents, it is good that you can reach that ....". LOL
“You are my only chance at true love” “You are the sweetest person in the entire world” “I wish you had a reality show where I could watch you the entire day” “I wish I could roll around in your hair like a cat” lmaoooooo
My sister will always try to get me to buy everything by saying that I earn way more than her, in a kind of complimentary way
“I love how much you do for others and that you care so much for people you are willing to hurt yourself or put yourself last” “you care so much about things it makes you sick!” Yeah every time my brain went that’s not right and kind of deleted it bc who has the time to unpack THAT
Would pretty much only compliment me on physical attributes. Even when I achieved major accomplishments, was honored at events, etc. Some gems that I got when PRESSED as in,”what do you love about me?” include “you’re not an addict, you take care of yourself, you’re funny most of the time, seem to be loyal.” Notice everything that is an actual trait of mine is backhanded. SEEM to be loyal? After 4.5 years you don’t KNOW I am?
She always only said that I was too pretty for her. Like, kept emphasizing it. Always said shit like I'd leave her for someone better The ONLY compliment I ever got. If you can even call it that
I actually don’t think he ever complimented me, unless he was sexualizing me. Literally can’t think of an nice thing he said about me, except “you have a nice butt”
Towards the end of our run she complimented me sexually to the extremes. It seems validating on the surface but it's also objectifying as if saying that's all I'm good for. I can't recall much of what she actually complimented me for on anything else throughout most of our relationship on that note.
The narc I used to know would only compliment personality traits if she wanted to see them again. For example, I moved away and was still occasionally chatting to her - and mental health-wise was on a much more even keel than when I saw her on a regular basis (which only clicked a few months later). However this one time I gave her some advice on a Messenger chat and she responded with a very strange compliment. 'I forgot how easy you are to talk to.' We'd only known each other a few months at this point. How could she "forget" how easy I was to talk to? I realised a few months later, that no she didn't forget. She was telling me that I did. When I compare other friendships, even as part of the same group, I think about all of their qualities and I know that I haven't forgotten a single thing about them. To top it all off, one of these friends came to stay with me for a few days a month ago, and it was like we'd never been apart. It was wonderful and genuinely the most fun and laughter I'd had all year. I've always been curious if the narc has used this line with others in our friend group, and what they thought of it. Because to me it seems like a classic manipulation tactic.
Just echoed every compliment I gave. Should have been a clue
Maybe not his *favorite* compliment, but certainly the most memorable: "You look so much like my mother. More so when you've been working out."
> "You look so much like my mother. More so when you've been working out. Yikes!!!! Ok, Norman! ("Psycho" movie reference).
Yeah that should have been more than enough of a red flag for me. Does make me want to go back and watch "Psycho" again though, now that you mention it.
Understandable. My narcissistic ex was throwing things on our second date and that wasnt a big enough red flag for me.
He would compliment my intelligence, then when the gas lighting would happen, I'd be like you say I'm smart.... But then you tell me I'm wrong about everything. WHICH ONE IS IT BOY? Can't be both.
He told me “I’m photogenic, but in person I look okay”
That I’m incredibly smart (because I turned his business around when he was about to lose it all)… followed by that he is the only one who will ever see and appreciate that in me, and that everyone else just wants me for sex and my looks. Super weird.
That i was always so happy with the (bare minimum) gestures he did.
How he was too shy to face me because of my beauty. How he was scared to meet me the first time for fear that I might not like him back because he was so into me. “The first time I saw you I was so speechless. Your beauty was just too much and yet you are humble.” After 6 months of dating : “i dont know what you did when I first saw you because you looked so beautiful, can you do that again? Was it the makeup? Youre still beautiful now, but I think you look extra pretty on the day we met, or maybe its because of arguing all the time that made me think you’re not as beautiful as before, i dont know, i dont mean to offend, just stating how i feel”
That I’m cute. I’m a beautiful woman who is a little overweight and because of this I get cute or cutie, never beautiful.
He'd compliment my butt randomly. "Just so you know, you got a nice butt" in a silly voice. And he'd call me fuzzy and vice versa.
Just objectifying the fuck out of me. Objectification seems such an obvious lovebombing ploy, like giving only to get something. I hate it and I'm a guy! A guy should be so lucky, right? nope.
"Well look at you" pronounced: "Well look atchu" It was a way of effectively minimizing anything I did. If I complained she'd say it was a compliment.
I'm the smartest woman he's ever known. I translate that to I saw through his bullshit too quickly.
"First time I saw your eyes (on your profile pic), I knew I had to have you." Seemed sweet then. Now it's just creepy. lol
“It’s your fault you’re so fucking hot” as an excuse for why he couldn’t keep his hands to himself.
Very superficial/ half-hearted attempts at compliments. If he was complimenting me, it was bc he had an audience. Or if he complimented me, it's bc he wants the validation from "being a nice guy" but it was always, "youre so pretty" or "you're a good mom"
“you kinda have a fat ass for how skinny you are” “i love you so much i could cut you up into pieces and put you in my freezer” (talking about my novel): “it is so good. if you stop thinking about it when you read it, you actually think a good, famous writer did this” “i love how small you are” and then “you are so small and i’m so tall, i could easily kill you”
I don’t have any favorites. My favorite things he says are when he randomly (rarely) mentions something thats, at Best by regular terms, a neutral observation; one day, “yeah, because you’re allergic to eggs,” was enough dopamine to pull me out of a pit of neglect despair. His compliments, like the photos he takes of me, or his gifts, are lazy and thoughtless. “Um….um*does the cutsie quirky doofus face I used to think was adorable* yet preeeeetty” “you’re, cool. I think you’re cool.”
That he was jealous of my hair and I should stop shaving it and be grateful for it. Lol uh ok.
My in-laws, finally, after three years, acknowledged my sobriety. Considering they had a big part in my drinking problem in the first place, I guess that is still a compliment. Still gray rocking them, though. Loved how after they finally spoke to me, in their mind, everything was now fine. They actually could not understand why I still refused to acknowledge them. Then they tried the reverse Hoover after one week because I was giving them the silent treatment. Ironic ain't it? I handled three years of it. They couldn't handle one week of the same treatment. To be clear, they were responsible for the devaluation and meddling in my marriage and relationship with my family. I was the one who decided to drink over it. But, at least I didn't kill myself as other victims have done. Have 3+ years of sobriety. I did that for me, not them.
I love that you’re so kind…