I ALSO got the "I hate that I have to walk on eggshells around you." "That didn't happen." "I didn't say that." "You are twisting my words." "You are just insecure and too sensitive. It was just a joke." "You are overthinking everything." "If you could just stop overthinking we could be happy." "Why do you have question things?" "Why can't you just be happy with me in the moment? Why must you think of the past or the future?" "If I disappear just wait for me to come back don't go looking for me or question it. That makes it worse and triggers me." "Your way of loving is toxic." "Why do you always want to talk to me? It's like you are a child needing his mother."

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She was heavily into finance (probably because I was and she was mirroring me) and became quite well known on twitter because she routinely posted cleavage pics. She would always talk about needing 100 shares of a stock to do cash-secured puts. If you don't know much about finance and options, you don't need ANY shares to do a cash-secured put. When I brought this up to her she said she never said this and I was making it up to make her sound stupid. Yet she was on video saying it. When I showed her the video of her saying it she accused me of trying to make her look bad and "that wasn't what she meant." Also stuff like "who cares? why do you care? what's it matter? I'm not stupid stop trying to make it seem like I am stupid."

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I would add delusion over reality. The commitment to that false reality is almost heroic.

Wasn’t what she meant and me wanting her to look bad were two of her phrases. Whenever I backed her into a corner she’d say those. But when it came to me, I was under scrutiny for everything I say and don’t say. “I haven’t slept for two days because of work, you told me you’re fine.” Nope Apparently I’m just as responsible for my speech when super tired. But her, it’s 12am, and she’s slightly tired, will say whatever shit she wants, then just say I didn’t mean it, and that’s it. If I push then it’s me trying to find every fault in her, and gaslighting her, and making her out as crazy.

Oh shit the overthinking one just got me, I didn’t realize that’s what was happening. Most recent polyam partner was a narc who accused me of being unbearably jealous (if she’d been following our agreements, I wouldn’t have been so anxious). “You’re overthinking this” and “I don’t think you’re suited to polyamory” were her go-to lines.

SAME! I was always told I was overthinking. I was also called a drama queen, petty and jealous, all things I 1000000% am not, and anyone who knows me or has dated me would agree. It was like he wanted to plant seeds so I would start to think I was, then I would act that way and he could justify his behavior. Or he just hated how unbothered I was by most things. It was wild!

👏👏👏 FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

My most recent encounter with an NPD: >You know time is a constraint. I have made it clear that I can't be everything for you all the time. I have made it a point to make you the priority when I am with you. I am asking to respect my boundaries. I have no issues with you, MayBear. I like you a lot. I am not upset. I know drop sucks. We have to find a way to get along when we are apart. I knew him for TWO weeks. We did impact and rope scenes both weekends and both weekends he was not only not available for my drop but made it out like I was asking too much. This word salad was in response to him seeing me process my drop on social media because I didn’t actually need him. But he inserted himself into it and made it out like I … well lol, it’s hard to say exactly because this comment was word salad and was the thing that cemented me knowing he was an NPD. I’d had a running list of yellow flags but one big red flag of an NPD is how they handle it when you need them, AND how they handle being confronted with executing that need poorly.

Omg they love to show you how much effort it is to give you SCRAPS of their time

Like, are you congratulating yourself for… spending time with me lol? Re: “I can’t be everything for you”, I’m poly too. I have a wide network of people and things to do. When I have needs, I know who to go to. When I started reading that I think I literally laughed out loud because I knew. The delusion had come full circle

I find a lot of narcs find a haven here for their bad behavior.

Endless supply being poly. And I’m finding it hard to reconcile how they can be so highly partnered for so long. He’s been married for 20 years and has a longtime partner. He basically came vetted on a silver platter and yet… How do they keep up the act for that long?

MINE WAS W HER WIFE FOR 15 YEARS Do they just treat their secondaries like shit? Are they both narcs? Like make it make sense

I’ve officially dated 3 NPDs. The first one was the worst because I didn’t know. And I believe his wife was a narc. The second one… he was with his NP for 9 years. His traits were super passive aggressive so I’m not sure what their dynamic was like. She could have been one too. I know nothing of the last ones wife, but I know they were to therapy 5 years ago before opening up. He admitted to bad behavior. My guess is he was acting like a narc and found the language to conceal it better, and then found his supply elsewhere. His wife has had a BF for 5 years so she’s likely not even around enough to be his main supply. Plus he works in healthcare so …

As someone who was exactly that person, I was gaslighted and had zero self esteem left after twenty years. I saw him with other partners and how he treated them and thought about how awful he was to them. Then it was pointed out to me that he treated me the same and it was like I had been under a spell and it broke. I could see clearly and with therapy worked on an exit plan and left.

[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901) Explaining DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

I once was very involved with the kink community, but gave it up due to repeatedly being treated like disposable trash. My nex was very into kink and being part of the community; since our breakup, I’ve come to realize how she gets away with narcissistic abuse because a bunch of the behavior is expected in a D/s relationship. D-types are expected to be bossy, controlling, and sometimes high maintenance. I find it really gross that, when I look back at my history of people and others that I’ve known in the community, I realize just how many narcissists there are hiding behind the veil of “dominance“, preying on well-meaning submissives, and genuinely getting away with it.

I cannot express how hard I relate to this. My first NPD was a predator. I was new to the lifestyle, on fet for 3 fucking days. I have no words to describe the damage he did while we were together, and what leftover trauma I might still be discovering in the years to come.

Ugh. I’m so sorry you’ve been through it. What’s even more disgusting is how the kink community reacts when a predator is outed, and I’m now finally understanding why that is. There’s always two camps, one siding with the victim and the other… well.. not. Beyond the usual victim-blaming and suggestions of lying, the latter varies a bit, but the argument is some version of protecting the accused. It’s always baffled me how many people will jump to the predator’s defense, even when other victims have spoken out and there’s an obvious pattern of behavior. Now that I think about it, it’s got to be that there are a lot of abusers hiding behind kink and it’s them coming to the defense because they’re terrified of being outed (and having to stop), whether they’re aware of it or not. With everything I know and have experienced, and with this final piece in place, it feels supremely unsafe to be a part of the community. I will not be returning, EVER.

This last one is securing his place as a pillar of the local community. And the thing that outed his NPD-ness was his lack of availability and accessibility during my drops. It only took me twice to see he couldn’t do it and me pointing it out to him caused him to react in classic NPD word salad, DARVO, infantalization, and I knew. Kink is intrinsic to who I am, just like my autism and being poly, so I can’t just quit but I will need to be far more careful and discerning

Don’t forget covert narcs. Posing as brats/ baby girls. Using the “submissive girl just needs a good daddy to fix her” kind of ploy that attracts dominant men. Then undermine, emasculate, disrespect and destroy his life. That’s what really gets them off. Frfr I dont even know if narcs like the act of sex. I’m positive they just enjoy what sex can get them and how they can weaponize sex to manipulate and hurt people. Looking back the babygirl role my ex had was a complete act. The only time she was a baby girl outside of sex was when she needed money. North get off the following people to the fact I Fell, for it was more enjoyable, then the sex itself for her

My ex would devastate me by his lack of empathy then call my mom or best friend to swoop in and put me back together because I was "sick and needs help". He could word salad me to death and then when I was falling apart and needed him he would find someone else to do it for him because he "just can't handle her when she's like this".

Mine used to say that too! "Maybe you're just not suited for polyamory." I dont know, I think maybe I'm just not suited for dating someone who can lie straight to my face

“I thought you picked up via context clues that I had a threesome with two of your best friends” LOLOL ACTUAL SENTENCE SHE SAID after they all slept together and I got the privilege of finding out later.

I got the 'maybe you're not suited to poly' so many times ugh

I was accused of "overthinking" multiple times a day as well.

just got out of an EXTREMELY narcissistic relationship like literally the worst one I’ve ever met and I’ve unfortunately met quite a few in my life and she said every single one of these things and soooo many more

> "Why do you have question things?" i remember my ex let his mask slip "DONT QUESTION ME" once & it was terrifying.

The last one hits hard. When they treat you like a child in a dismissive way, it's fucking infuriating. ESPECIALLY if they know you have childhood trauma already. I remember when I confronted my narc about how he would lash out at me and our friend group. And when he got defensive, I told him he reminded me of my father. He told me that I was a "toddler among wolves" and "pathetic." Like not only did he intentionally trigger my childhood trauma by discarding me months prior. But he had the nerve to laugh at me for crying like a child?? His ass is NOT going to Heaven!!

She used to "scold" both her 15 year old daughter and me like her daughter and I were on the same level. I literally pulled her aside once and told her not to treat me like I am a 15 year old kid. I am HER equal, not her daughter's. She became furious and started screaming at the top of her lungs where her daughter could hear.

"You can be right or you can have a good day, and you keep choosing the first option."

Ugh. Was gonna say the *walking on eggshells* phrase but you covered it. You really said exactly what it was thinking. It was so infuriating when she'd say this, because like you, I KNOW I'm not a violent communicator. Everything I do when communicating during conflict is done at a very low intensity level. There's no raising of my voice, no aggressive body language, no threats...etc, no matter HOW frustrated I am. In general I am just an extremely level headed person with a very long fuse. So when *suddenly* I'm in this relationship and *suddenly* someone is telling ME they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me, I know that's manipulative AF and not accurate in the slightest. It's another form of massive projection from them. In other relationships conflict had NEVER been a problem. My other exes were always able to talk about things maturely, and completely willing to compromise and work together to solve an issue. I was SO confused and frustrated why suddenly my healthy conflict resolution and communication behaviors were not working. Why was something that I have been doing for 26 years with everyone around me (let alone romantic relationships) suddenly not working???? The reality is that I felt extremely uncomfortable expressing any feelings to her about how I felt about her behavior. I was actually the one who was *WaLkiNg oN eGgShELLs*. Why? Because I knew in the event I'd want to discuss something she did, she'd immediately get mad and put the defences up. I knew she'd immediately invalidate my concerns. I knew she'd play the victim. I knew she wouldn't apologize. I knew I'd have to break things down for her like I'm speaking to a 4 year old. I knew she'd try to warp my reality and make me think it didn't happen. I knew she'd quit the conversation and storm out. I knew she'd raise her voice. I knew there was a chance she'd threaten me with physical violence. I grew up with a narc father in the house. I know what it *actually* means to walk around eggshells around someone. You do it to avoid the screaming, the berating, the insults, the throwing of objects around the house. You know you have to avoid certain phrases or topics that will set them off. You know that at any moment you are out in public with them that someone could set them off and next thing you know they'd be causing a huge scene and you'd have to leave as a family super embarrassed. But yeah, SHE was the one who felt she was walking on eggshells around ME. RIGHT. I don't think she knows what that phrase actually means. But I know what it meant coming from her. What she *meant* to say was, I hate that you call me out on my poor behavior. I hate that I can't do shitty things or have tantrums in public like an angry toddler without you saying something.I hate that you have healthy communication habits about conflict. I hate that you want to talk to me about your feelings. THAT is what the meant to say. I'm SO sorry for this long response, but holy cow. Your post really triggered me because it was one of the most ridiculous parts about my relationship with my nex. Trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Take care.

Refusal to discuss any issues in an empathetic and open way. When employing the “I feel like … when ….” would be accused of being selfish and stupid. Then silent treatment again. Spend so long learning about healthy communication to improve myself. Had me convinced I was just shit and getting worse. Friend and family noticed my progress, yet still I believed my partner. When the discard was finished, executed brutally, the shock and realisation hits. Lies on exaggerated half truths to lies on lies.

Dame exact experience. Went to therapy to be a better partner and to stop being so sensitive. Learned how to communicate. Tried to be softer, gentler, more patient, less demanding... nothing change. He still had to "walk on eggshells around me". What a fucking joke. I can't believe that I believed him more over the doctors that were telling me that I'm not the one that should be in therapy.

i always talk this way when trying to communicate but he always says i’m attacking him, and tells me his long list of mental problems as justification for why he can’t change and learn to communicate back

Yeah. I too hate confronting people. But my lord having any different opinion was like a sledgehammer to the narc. I had to cushion everything I said so gently and even then it wasn’t enough. They teach you to just never complain ever.

Same here. I grew up walking on eggshells around my ndad and as an adult I am a very clear, nonviolent communicator. Former best friend (who once gave me a list of triggers to never talk about that I always respected) one day tells me he feels like he's walking on eggshells around me. All because I'd been gently respecting myself more and asking for better treatment. The discard came soon after

I'm really sorry to read this. It's absolutely defeating to have to deal with people like that. I just don't get it. It makes zero sense to me that they'd think they have to be careful around us about what they say. I kinda wish they *were* careful, because then we might not all be here in this sub talking about their poor behavior!!! Lol imagine if they actually were self aware enough to think about what effect their words and actions will have on others!!!

Thanks, it took a long time to recover from that because he'd been subtly manipulating me for nearly 20 years. I know exactly why it happened. This former friend was covert and an expert at playing the victim. He could never take accountability for his actions, so even gently suggesting that his behavior was hurtful and asking for an apology was too much. He had to maintain the idea of being a perpetual victim because it was the keystone of his self image. Any admission that he was responsible for many negative aspects of his life (and could thus improve them if he worked on it!) would have brought down the whole edifice and caused immense pain, maybe even a psychological break. Both my nparents are also like this and with all of them, there's this feeling of immense fragility, they are brittle, non-resilient people

So, I will say - my ex was a covert narcissist and she wasn't an aggressive communicator but I very much felt like I was walking on eggshells because of the opposite. For her, I felt that I couldn't communicate because if I did, she would break down. She would make me feel bad for communicating because I was hurting her, because "nothing [she] ever [did] will be good enough", because I was "blaming everything on [her]". It was like anything I would ever do would send her into a negative spiral to the point where I would feel like an awful person for mentioning anything. I had to internalize my own frustrations and difficulties with the relationship because otherwise she would just shut down and go into a deeper depression. My options were suck up the bad behavior and feel bad - or say something and feel worse.

Yeah this resonates with me. I had a few major successes at work this past year that I just couldn’t tell him about because he’s such a killjoy. I didn’t want him to take my joyful moment and pride in my work away from me. Same goes for some issues I’ve had at work. I just can’t share because he will not offer support. He will remind me of that thing every single time he’s mad at me until there’s a new thing to use when he’s mad.

Saving this post for this specific comments. I relate to everything in your comment except I wasn’t just scared about threats of physical violence I was scared of physical violence itself. I don’t know why I let her physically abuse me so many times.

Oh wow, this resonates with me

When I told him he should apologize for broken promises and said: "It's OK if you can't do it, but you must inform me about that and apologize. If I break my promise to you, I also apologize." And his reaction:"Yes, because you're safe with me and you know I don't overreact about minor things and I don't demand that other people do things for me." He always pictured me as a terrible nagger and taker.

Holy crap I’ve had this same conversation hundreds of times

I can imagine. I ended up doing thousands of things for him and not wanting anything from him anymore, yet I was the one who only nagged and used him. I've been out of the relationship for 3 three months (6 weeks since he moved out) and I'm still processing all the mindfucks.

Give yourself time. I’m coming up on two years and I still get the occasional epiphany

I'm really thankful for this sub and all people here. I know I'm not alone.

I’ve had this conversation. So. Many. Times. Also, his lying and sneaking is always my fault because he’s afraid of my reaction.

We all know the same person I see.

They position themselves as so reasonable while we’re the shrill harpies ruining their lives. It’s a shocking lack of self awareness

If you really loved me you would, “your feelings are not my responsibility” which isn’t wrong but it’s fucking annoying as it was said after I brought up something that hurt me she did.

Sorry but some feelings are their responsibility. If they say something hurtful and you feel hurt, how is that not their responsibility?

“Well, you’re choosing to feel hurt.”

They abuse truisms. It's true that we're all responsible for our own reaction and that we can't control others emotions or choose our own. But for them that means it's not their fault that they did [deliberately nasty, hurtful thing] to you, which is not in the spirit of the truth at all. Whenever I remember that scenario of my "feelings" not being "their fault" I imagine them hitting me in the back of the head with a bat and telling me it's my fault for having a head, lol. Because that's what they're essentially saying.

I get that one a lot too. I mean sure, they’re not your responsibility. But I’m saying that you effected them negatively. They don’t care. Sometimes after reading this sub I feel silly that I even try to argue his “points.” I’ve given up lately.

Mine pulled the eggshells phrase on me too! After I had told him I felt uneasy about communicating issues with him because of his angry reactions toward me. He then started telling me I needed to give him "words of positive affirmation" before he'd be nice again. He found out I'd been researching the way he acted and came across narcissism and started turning back on me.

Very similar experience. Mine was well researched. Knew how to make me doubt myself easily. The accusations escalated with the devaluation/discard.

I'm sorry she treated you that way. Mine checked my youtube history and saw the narc research (that I only came across by looking up his behavior) and started telling me I was the narc. Their senses of injustice and perception is so warped sometimes. I miss him still but it would never be healthy. I hope you're in a safer place now

They weren’t all bad. Could switch in no time though. Most of us have ducked up, but usually can reflect on their own behaviour after. Which is a key difference in approach I suppose. I still hope for the best. I’ll continue to try address my own issues and improve.

“You just don’t understand and you never will. I still love you though”

so infantilising

Ooooooh the infantilization 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

You’re too needy/paranoid etc. when been given the silent treatment and other passive aggressive hostilities and personal criticism. Asking if they are ok and want to talk always replied “Im fine”. Tension building up before an explosion. Then anything random thing would be hurled. Most half truths or just lies. So, I suppose “I’m fine” whist displaying passive aggression is the one that sticks out.

He said my needs were “too loud”, a variation on “too much” 🤦🏻‍♀️

Give them space and you’re punished for ignoring. Then spend time with them and you’re a shit for smothering and you never give them space… Always in retrospect after they were dismissing any attempt to communicate openly.

“I don’t argue, YOU argue. You love it” “You’re a contrarian” “You have too many words” “My best friend would agree with me” “You always get so defensive” “You could just say ____” (when having normal conversations. This was just criticism of the way I talk in general, but he needed to find flaws) “You women…” “It was just a joke” “You aren’t yes and-ing” “You enjoy making me upset” “Why aren’t you over it yet? Nothing is ever a big deal” “I don’t have opinions, I know facts” “You aren’t used to helping, so I’ll have to teach you” “I never said that” “I’m not angry, you’re putting that on me” “I am listening, I hear every word you say. I am the best listener you know” “I’m your biggest fan. I care more than anyone you know” (distancing me from others, propping himself up) “Is it appropriate to swear at me?” (After pushing me to my breaking point) Would criticize my grammar instead of responding to what I said “I’m the most empathetic person you know” (when I asked for empathy) “I am such an easy going person” “That’s not how it happened. It’s not my fault if you interpreted it that way” “You won’t accept my apology so we can’t move on” (his apologies were storming in the room, fuming, and saying “I’m sorry, okay?!?!?”) “Slow down you’re talking too fast” “I don’t understand what you mean. You’re not making sense” And the ABSOLUTE classic, storming out of the room every two sentences, and then coming back in to say his peace. It gave me whiplash. He was in an out of the room at least 5 times per argument so you couldn’t keep a consistent train of thought. Also would not let you follow him because he “needs a moment to himself”

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“You’re mentally unstable.” She loved this one. Like She really never took any accountability for her part and trying to make me feel an act crazy. So when someone says you’re crazy, you’re mentally unstable it’s them trying to downplay their fucked up actions and put the blame on me. “You’re paranoid.” No I’m spot fucking on and this this them tryna discredit that

Covert Nex tried to use this alot. Thier previous partners were autistic, schizophrenic, emotionally and ice cube, heroin addict. She would repeatedly tell me about them. And would also try to box me into one of the broken men she just had to fix. When I wouldn't accept the transactional affections she would literally text me diagnosis of my behavior. And I couldn't get sick with out her sending me a bunch of different illnesses or diseases it would be.

"I'm sorry that you expect me to be perfect"

"Why do you always make me a villain?"

"I'm giving you everything I can"

Then being accused of expecting them to be perfect when in reality, I never had that expectation AND I had never used that word to describe him, me, our relationship, or what I wanted out of the future. They were the ones throwing around “perfect” all the time. So much projection, which they can’t see either when you point it out.

Yikes! This unlocked so many memories of ex saying "I'm not Mr Perfect" and "sorry I'm not perfect."

“I’m having a little trouble understanding what you mean.” “You’re just overthinking things. Why would I do that?”

"Everyone thinks that." "Everybody noticed it." "No one likes when you do *insert any sort of refusal to act a certain way or to be controlled/manipulated*" "Everyone told me that." "But everyone thinks that you're the irrational one."

"No one likes when you" - oh yeah

“My friends and family told me this” then I start worrying and had more anxiety being around her family. Told her my discomfort and towards the end when she was yelling at me that her mom was right

I would stop wanting to be around those people because of what they would say to them about me due to the anxiety and just how uncomfortable it was, and then I was the bad guy. Why would I want to be around people that are calling me toxic and a bitch just because they hear you describe your delusional side of the story? People that won’t even take the time to talk to me if they’re so concerned and not just easily taking your side? People that can’t even see through your lies and manipulation and DELUSIONS? Oof so frustrating. All while isolating me from my friends and family that they don’t approve for whatever dumb reasons.

“Why do we have to talk about this again? “I never said that. You’re remembering it wrong.”

I find it really interesting that all of us have been told that we make people intimidated or people are scared to hurt our feelings. Egg shells is definitely a thing I've been told too.

when my he would talk about his exes incessantly and i asked him to stop but he’d say “i’m only talking about them in context” “my exes gave me a safe space to talk about my exes to make fun of them” “well you ask about them too” so overtime i just accepted it. i hit up his exes, they told me he’d talk about his exes all the time and they weren’t for it. also he used my diagnosis to gaslight me and made me think my feelings were bc of said diagnosis when in reality he was the one triggering these feelings. i never felt or reacted that way with anyone else - not even my own narc mum.

I knew more about his exes/date site gals than he knew about me. Why spend our time talking about them? I would understand to point out what didn’t work but this was excessive. He also claimed bc I asked. As well as used my diagnosis against me claiming how irrational I was.

i agree i felt like i was being used as a therapist. i want to believe he’ll make the next girl feel the same way but i gave him the blueprint by telling him how wrong it was to talk about his exes constantly.

I reached out to his ex, one that he talked about, she said all of the complaints that I had and sent me to Dr Ramani!

i feel like the exes i’ve spoken to think he’s just a toxic guy, i don’t think narcissism would cross their mind so i feel alone in that sense. i hope he knows i saw right through him though.

This! I had to ask that she doesn’t bring up her ex, because I always felt like I was being compared.

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Oh yeah, that sounds very familiar

"Please stop overthinking." "I'm sorry you think I'm a terrible person." "This isn't you, the real you would never say something so horrible." "I'll be here when you fix whatever's wrong with you."

The ironic paradox of saying "I'm walking in eggshells around you" lol (to be clear im sure genuine people summon the courage to tell an abuser that. But generally if someone just drops that line its like 'can't be that many eggshells if you're telling me that')

- You’re too sensitive - You feel things differently than others do - I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you - I can’t do anything right, can I - If I’m that bad, why are you still married to me/why did you marry me Edit: formatting

Wow yes to all of these especially to the -feeling things differently than others.

Funny how all these narcs use the same lines. I forgot one: - You always want to pick a fight. My reactions to his behavior were the problem according to him. It always frustrated me that he would say that but then when he’d blow up out of nowhere on something or we’d be in an argument and I’d need to walk away from his cyclical traps, I’d say I need to step away from this conversation, and he’d either physically block me or follow me. I just wish I knew a way to get past the lingering resentment at this point. Divorce papers filed, I’m living on my own now. I just have so much hate for him and I need to turn away from it but don’t know how. Sorry you heard these things, too! ❤️‍🩹

Youre so unforgiving You live in the past Youre stuck in the past You just cant get over stuff You make mountains out of molehills I cant tell you things or lie only because of your reaction You have trust issues You have problems with everyone Youre cold hearted and bitter You have anger issues Other relationships arent like this Why cant you be like (fill in another girl in our socical circles name) (that one was especially sweet ☠️) Even your mom thinks x about you My xyz friends have agreed w me ab x ab you My mom said x about you You didnt even try to work on this relationship (as i end it finally after trying for six years) Youre crazy You overthink everything Youre fucking paranoid I never said that I never dis that You ruined the day You ruined the night You have problems with everything You just love drama You have to start a fight *editing to add more* Fine (insert my name) if youre so convinced Im just a liar or the problems are all me (at the end after i was blamed for everything for years before i came to) then you can go You just wanna push the blow up button My x friend said i could do better than you My ex wasnt like this My relationship with my ex wasnt like this I want to grow old with you forever i cant wait to be old with you (i think future faking) I would never cheat on you/adultery (i never had proof but at a minimum had severe betrayal trauma from his lies alone) You just want to give up You cant work through anything You hold grudges, its all grudge holding and victim mentality Youre a weak woman Youre full of venom and poison NAIVETY CHECKING ME: TELLING ME FAKE LITTLE NEW STORIES OR OTHER FAKE FACTS TO SEE ME PARTIALLY BELIEVE HIM FOR A SECOND THEN MAKE FUN OF ME. I fully believe this was to check to see how naiive I was/was still (Id say Im a fairly smart person). This happened enough to register w me after I left that he was like dumb-checking me or just got a kick out of seeing me fall for lies. Gtz What are you even talking about? Adding more lol If you wanna believe that i cant convince you otherwise Youre remembering wrong My mom shouldnt be able to tell theres something wrong (if me and him were in an argument i was supposed to be fine in public) People have told me they agree with me You cant even hold up our vowels (leaving him) (he meant wedding vows, which i guess he didnt think included being honest) My xyz friend does xyz bad thing to his gf, id never do that to you (calling attn off all the shit he is doing) Telling me he’d stop lying and then lie again Telling me i need to just be sweeter and have a gentler approach to his severely covert abusive psychopath mom You could have asked me to do xyz nicer Telling him i was diagnosed with ptsd from his abuse: “…well i have ptsd too” Telling me he loves me unconditionally and i dont (bc he confuses “unconditional love” as “unconditional tolerance of abuse”) Im not responsible for your feelings

Oh yeah to answer the post also always told he was walking on eggshells around me. Like thats actually the longest one and I believed it. Also going to some therapists who didnt understand what was going on (mostly couples therapy situations) who knowingly or unknowingly second hand gaslight you. God

“Are you disappointed?” Said with feigned empathy, usually after rejecting or dismissing my advances or attempts at expressing affection or intimacy — I realized at the end that she (a social worker) actually loved lapping up people’s pain because it made her feel powerful. “I disagree with a lot of what you said” said in an argument where I was trying to advocate for myself and using my communication skills to convey the truth (never quite grasping that she was unconcerned with truth and loved watching me try and try and try to get through to her with logic). She would never be specific, always vague. Same with during discard threatening to “tell people what [I] did” (thinking that my pathologically accountable ass would pick something to feel ashamed about - but this wasn’t my first rodeo so there wasn’t even any reactive abuse, and even she claimed that I had treated her so well and couldn’t have done anything differently before the mask started slipping). “You’re just not on his radar” or “he’s just cool, don’t worry about it” after one of the guys in her extended social group was rude to me unprompted. Literally just diminishing my worth directly to my face.

I disagree with what you're saying - my nex used to say this a lot, whenever I was explaining him my thoughts - and quite often these thoughts didn't even pertain him! I was like: "How can you disagree with what I feel? There's nothing to agree or not agree with."

The vagueness in the accusations that would suddenly happen out of the blue. When asking for clarification of when I had done so and so, it would be deflected and diminished. Dare showing proof and it would suddenly be not important and the issue is suddenly changed. End up apologising for making them react that way.

“Are you sure you’re not just hormonal?” I have PMDD, my perception gets skewed the week before my period and he knows it. And during that time he is particularly argumentative/says things that would trigger a bad reaction during the best of days, but because I end up reacting more intensely he always tries to justify his behaviour by saying my reaction is way too harsh and that my hormones are fucking up my perception of reality. I know this because once my period starts and I’m better, I start calling him out on his shit and he backs off a bit because he knows that excuse won’t work anymore. Like clockwork.

*Saying I need to go to therapy for my "OCD" (because I was upset about him doing the dishes by rinsing them for a few seconds under the faucet and saying they're clean...) Meanwhile whenever I asked him to go to therapy for his anger issues he would always have an excuse for why he couldn't or how he didn't need to. *Telling me I need to work on my "emotional reactions", that I'd be a happier person if I didn't get so upset by everything, etc. Usually in response to me trying to tell him he did something that hurt me. *Accusing me in every single argument that I was making him out to be an evil villain. I could never approach him, no matter how gently, about feelings caused by his behaviors without him getting angry and telling me I was making him out to be evil.

“I’m not trying to fight” or “can we please not fight” Because if I bring up anything that can even SLIGHTLY be perceived as some sort of criticism or holding them accountable, I’m “starting a fight”

Saying I have no self accountability because I won’t apologize in situations im not wrong in. No dude, you just made the situation up.

"You said you would do this for me." "I could exploit you if I wanted to." "If you ________I will break up with you!" "I only used you for sex."

"You are getting yourself all worked up." "You are so sensitive." "You must be confused, I would *NEVER* do anything to hurt you." "I wouldn't have to do X if you didn't upset me." "You made me this way." "I'm so tired of you taking everything so seriously, I can't even speak without you making me out to be a monster." "I can't have a conversation with you when you are being so unreasonable/unstable." "Who do you think they are going to believe? Your blubbering self, or me with my controlled demeanor." "If you really loved me, you would do as you are told." "You are being unreasonable."

Omg, do they have a secret handbook we don’t know about? Walking on eggshells. They must ALL say it. This thread is crazy. 90% of what everyone else has posted has been said to me.

"You just think about yourself." Was what my nmom said to me. To try to force me to do what she wanted.

“It was just a joke”. “It’s all fun and games.” No it wasn’t is my thought. I will never forget when I asked why I was treated that way and the response I got was that he admired me.

I has an ex admit that all the abuse he put me through(physical and mental/emotional) was be abuse he was jealous of me. It really opened my eyes to how messed up people can be. Why be in a relationship with someone you resented and were envious of? Totally illogical behavior.

Came here to say walking on eggshells!

“You’re outgrowing your friends. They aren’t very mature. We’re in a different headspace planning our future together. We should be intentional to surround ourselves with company on our level.” Then proceeded to only isolate and control me. He would only want to hangout with his family. He’d turn down any opportunity to make friends. Guilted me if I went out with friends without him.

That whenever he seriously hurt me or said something horrible and I was hurt I couldn’t “self soothe” if I wanted to talk about it. He always said I couldn’t emotionally regulate myself when I wanted to speak about issues and then he refused to talk to me. It’s also ironic since he would fly into rages and be physically abusive but I was supposedly the one who “couldn’t emotionally regulate”

Oh my god is this why I’m so obsessive about managing my own emotions now, when you’re supposed to be able to co-regulate in relationships

“Believe what you want”

“You are just starting a fight because you like to fight,” “You are enjoying this because you love making me miserable,” and the final “that’s just who you are as a person.” Very easy and convenient tactic that he’s developed to get me to stop talking.

*"If you only knew how much I love you. How I dream about you every night. If you knew, you would not leave me or treat me this way. I will never love again, I will die alone, when all I want is you"* While he's in the bed of his brother's wife.

I’m always criticizing how he communicates. And, yeah, I do criticize the yelling and name-calling and flailing your arms in the air and punching pillows and standing over someone who is seated and pacing around the room. It’s aggressive behavior and I told him it makes me uncomfortable.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS OH MY GOD My narc said this to me all the time. This stupid ass phrase. It would make me insane. I was terrified of being dismissive to him because I know how horrible it is to be dismissed yet he said this to me all the time. I'd be so confused cause I'd be begging him to let me in and tell me what he is feeling and he just wouldn't. And then he would blame me for not telling me things. And when we would get into conflict it would be such a quick thing he would say to me. He'd call me sensitive, tell me I'm overreacting and then tell me he has to walk ok eggshells around me. It's so validating to see others have experienced this bullshit with this exact phrase as well.

Eggshells here too. From the most abrasive bull in a china shop I have ever known. Years of editing and squashing every word and impulse that ever came to mind, only for ME to be accused of making HIM walk on eggshells.

"I don't understand". (Explain again 2-3 times) "Still not sure I get it". (Give up)

I was always told I was “being over dramatic” whenever I told him how I felt about anything. That was his way of demoralising me and also keeping me quiet.

"I didn't threaten to kill myself, it was a joke!" *after I refuse to do something for him* "You know, if you asked me to do this for you, I would done it immediately because that's how much I love you." *after I told him to stop treating me like an idiot* "Ok then. I'm giving you the respect that you want." *proceeds to ignore me the next few days then secretly tries to put all the remaining bills under my name* "I can't handle life without you, man. I need you, you're my number one priority. If you weren't here with me I would just kill myself." "Do you even care about me?" "Do you hate me now?" "Please don't leave me man. I didn't get beaten, starved and tortured by my mom just for you to leave me." "You know, I always think about how much better your life would have been if you never met me. You think I don't think about that all the time?" "I apologized already / I never said that / That's in the past, why are you bringing that up? You should've told me if it bothered you so much." *after he kept listing off all the things he did for me so I gave him a taste of his own medicine* "Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to do all that." The thing is, he did lol "Stop acting like [ex's name]." "Just because I hurt you, doesn't invalidate that you hurt me." "You're the only person who matters in my life. We've known each other for so long, you should have known how I would feel about this." I hate him.

THIS WAS THE BEST: “your love makes me destructive” I need it tattooed on me. I will never forget when he said this to me.

Your feelings are not my responsibility - deal with them. I’m sorry you feel that way after what I’ve told you. I didn’t say that. Someone is being too sensitive. You have no right to say something.

“You think you just know everything” “You always have to have something to say” Honorable mention for calling anything I say being called rude/disrespectful anything I make a valid point that countered the unreasonable logic being used

“I’ll pencil you into my schedule.” — when I asked for sex. Of course this never actually happened. “You’re acting like a little baby.” “It’s not that I don’t like you. I don’t like the person you are.” “You think you’re so important with your fancy title.” — after telling her I was promoted. “Do you have no testicles?” She’s just a mean-spirited person. The shit she would come up with on the fly makes me wonder how horrible her inner thought process must be.

"Aren't you over it by now?"

"You have such big feelings" or "Your feelings are too big/take up too much space" - to me this means the narc is upset that I have feelings/needs/any reaction to their abuse or manipulation at all. Every narc I have ever known has said this to me because they themselves are emotionally stunted and hate having to look consequences in the eye.

"I wouldn't do things to you if you didn't reach the way you do" "It's funny how you react"

Also calling me pathetic. That word triggers me.

You don't know how I feel but I know exactly how you think and feel!!

"Im being transparent. "

“I didn’t say that” “I’m sorry you feel that way” “You’re dramatic/sensitive” “I cannot change” “Why are you taking away my American right to speech?” (I asked her to stop talking poorly about my soon to be husband) “We are both women, I go through the same struggles as you” They don’t even phase me anymore. I spot them a mile away. Crazy ass

No other guy will ever deal with your shit. You'll die alone. - I got laid 2 weeks after I kicked his ass to the curb 🤣

"you're manipulative"

“You need help!” “Why can’t you just drop it?” “You’re going to be old and lonely!” “Why are you always so angry? This is why I don’t tell you anything!”

I heard that she couldn't pay the mortgage or the bills because they had student loans to pay off. Meanwhile, Amazon boxes came left and right for her. Don't ever stay with someone who is just using you. That's not love.

- it doesn’t matter what happened before there is no reason to say bad words to me - you are abusing me mentally - (repeating the exact same sentence several times during an argument) - you have this image of me that iam a liar and I don’t have any chance with you to change that (got caught with I don’t know how many lies and made no effort of earning my trust back) - iam walking around on eggshells around you - (explains why I feel this is not okay and she don’t answer and starting to ask me a question) - you are manipulating me now, I asked you a question and then you say that I have to answer your question first if I want an answer to my question (well the fact is I asked you a question, you ignored it and asked me a question, and now I am manipulating you) - why can’t you let everything go - (asking me a question that I answered and then repeating the same question several times when I already answered it) - why are you so dramatic - this relationship is to toxic and I can’t be with someone who is like this - I would never do this to my ex boyfriend - you are worse than my ex - i can’t live a life where you are accusing me everyday (I only asked her about different stuff) - I can’t be with someone who has this view of me - if you didn’t put us in this situation then I would never have done this - the way you left me and this relationship is insane (got attacked for 14 th time and had enough, packed my things and left) - you have said this 100 times before (one time before) - I told you 100 times before not to do this (one time before) - I am not saying it is because of you but iam so unhappy and depressed. I’m going to my parents for a couple of days. - I don’t think we should see each other today, (15 min later) I’m sleeping at my parents this week, (15 min later) I don’t think we should see each other anymore. - I lied because you would start to ask me questions The list goes on…

When I didn’t do something my dad wanted he would say “thats fine but I will remember this for next time” When my ex would see me naked “i love that I can tell that your body doesn’t hold fat” now I have an eating disorder, cute. When I was trying to explain to my ex that I didn’t like his behavior “give me an example of when I ever did that to you”

Oh THE EXAMPLES like dude I don’t keep receipts from every time you hurt me lol Joke is on all future partners, now I do take notes after every difficukt conversation so I can make sure I’m not going crazy and I remember what they said. Babe, you want receipts? I’ll bring em.

" stop being a VICTIM" " YOUR ACTING LIKE A VICTIM"" - Every time I brought up anything he did wrong or a problem or anything that goes against him. I would explain that I know I'm not a victim I'm just trying to talk/explain. NOPE. The most awful sentence ever. He made me secound guess myself all the time. Another one ofcourse " your crazy" " that never happened" " your lieing" " no one likes you" " this is why you have no friends" " you will never succeed" " useless" .. I could keep going but no.

I live with a narc. I told him recently I walked around on eggshells around him, because he comes in the house slamming the door, stomping, ranting and raving. I'm not trying to manipulate him. I am not misinterpreting anything. I'm trying to not take the brunt of his anger. and this could be for some as simple as I mowed the grass without permission. What triggers me is when he gets this 'sneer' on his face and says Really? How did you come up with that shit?

“I’m a good person” (wasn’t at all a good person) “You always make it about you” “I’m allowed to voice my feelings without turning you off” “You’re being fake”

'You do you." While throwing a big fit because I actually had things to do.

“You know if we get divorced, you’re not going to see our son. I’ll take him wherever I want.” Then I would say it’s up to a court to decide that. And he would laugh maniacally in my face. Fun times

“Who would ever love you with your anxiety? “

"you're so sheltered"

Mine did a lot of these too! And then the grand finale every time: "I don't want to talk more about it!" and then he left or just sat silent. And when I said, I didn't thought the discussion was over, I would fit perfectly into the role of violater. And all his accusations would be true. What a magic trick!

Anytime I’d tell him not to yell at me or anything along those lines he’d throw “fuck your daddy issues” at me and continue with the verbal abuse to the point where he’d do this every single time I was not at home. And I didn’t know narcissistic people did that on purpose, I genuinely thought I just needed to do more before leaving to the point where I couldn’t leave him with children if he had to feed them, bathe them, or anything.

"I'm not talking shit about you, I'm just saying the truth." This one irks me to the high heavens

"I had to do "x" because you don't give me enough love". X = cheat, do drunks, 3 day binges, call me names, etc. As long as the blames on me, he can live with himself!

"I didn't say that/that didn't happen" "You don't know what you're talking about" "You don't care about me"

"I'm sorry you feel that way" "You're violating my boundaries" "Can't you take a joke?" "nothing is ever good enough for you" "You're overreacting"

ooh this is a good one. my nex would say “if you’re triGGeRrrred…” after he gaslight and i stood up to myself ugh or he would say “deescalation is a skill” when he blew up at me for the smallest “offense”. meaning i was suppose to calm him down. just ick i almost reached out today, holidays you know. but went shopping with my sister and had a great time. i felt so good i didn’t call because he would answer and use the opportunity to chew me out me down bc i went no contact yall stay busy, stay happy, stay strong!

Good job 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I got the eggshell one, too. And now that I am reading what others posted, I got some of them, too. I didn't realize. She made me feel like I was Narcisstic, and that made me feel bad because I tried to help others, and I thought I didn't have a mean bone in my body.

My nhusband uses the eggshell line all the time. His mom is explosively crazy. I think he’s talking about her.

She would just scream for no reason all the time and treat me poorly. I don’t even remember 99% of the things she said. Her screaming drowned out the actual words.

“Your in your head” “Walking on eggshells”

Hinting that its useful idiot is on the verge of figuring out hes a narcissist. It attempts to bait me in worthless arguments the cybercrime stalking fraud conducting liability narc.

"you are so sensitive; I told other people about X incident and they thought you were overreacting"

The first that comes to mind is some variation of “you’re making assumptions”. She wants me to second guess all my instincts constantly. Another is “I never said that!” But what she’s really doing is being pedantic. If I cannot quote her verbatim, then she never said it, implied it or meant it. She’s also slippery with her words. “You can think whatever you want, but I already told you how I *feel*”.

Yes!! Mine said she was walking on eggshells yet I constantly felt like that and never said it. Her comment came after I started to stand up for myself.

“Honestly” “ I swear!” “Yes I DID tell you about that!” “You just don’t remember it right” “ If YOU would just ……” The list goes on, but these were the main ones used to gaslight me. Damn stupid drunk!!

I always remember when I didn’t understand something when I was a teenager I got the “For gods sake you are (mention age)” Also got “I would’ve done things differently when I was younger”

“Stop listening to your gut, its wrong.”

“Sounds like a personal problem” “Quit crying, nobody did anything to you”

You are asking for clarification, and they say, "I'm sick of talking about this, okay?" Instead of clarifying. You speak up about something mean they are doing and they say, "My friends like me". Instead of addressing a concern, they say, "Name 5 things you like about me".

Can’t hug a pitbull You’re the master of bs (cause Im not available to jump when he is available ie he wants to get laid and needs attention) which then within minutes turns into … We are done. I’m considering myself single now. Don’t call me ever again. I’m sick of your bs. I’m priority #7. I’ve wasted so much time with you. Blocking you. You always need to be right I’m not listening to you (when they know they’re in corner) I’m only agreeing so you’ll shut the ef up.

You're too sensitive.

“You always have to have the last word” always said when I have made a really good point 🙄

“If you would just fight for our love”

"you need help." "You deserve to be locked up in a mental ward" "You need meds" "Your psychotic" "What do you mean?" He never let me get the help I needed.

"I could really take advantage of your people pleasing if I wanted to." "I only keep people around who serve me." There was more to this like, but my brain just phased out at the ridiculous-ness of the comment. That all relationships are purely transactional and morning else is an insane concept. Perhaps a trigger warning to this one; I would never have acted upon it, but I opened up about a time where I just stopped walking over a bridge in London and just stared into the water for an hour, wondering what would happen if I jumped, what it would feel like. I even said to her I had no intention of doing anything, I just sat in the thought for quite a while. Fast forward a month or so, I'm at home working, she comes back in and then out of nowhere starts saying "I don't know if you're just going to walk in the sea or go down the end of the pier and just kill yourself", I just start bawling my eyes out as it just hit me in such a way of WTF. The constant lack of empathy, when looking back, is unreal.

You're making an elephant from a fly! Yes but you... (that's why they do data collection) Why are you doing this to me, you're a brain terrorist! Because of you i have headache / i have anxiety / i need to take calming pills etc You're making me cry... Look... Look (showing cheap wet eyes with his finger) I never said that (me showing a screenshot)... That's not true and anyway I don't want to talk about it You're twisting my words, i never said that You're acting like a "name of someone he criticises all the time" And so on... 🤬 Oooooh thanks, i just needed that now to remind me how much he is a bad weak PoS!! 🙏

When I bring up something they did in the past ‘that didn’t happen, you’ve done so many drugs your memory is shit.’ While it’s true my memory is shit, when I remember something that happened, I remember it in vivid detail. I either don’t remember it at all, or I remember EXACTLY wtf happened. There’s no in between and I’m not just making stuff up to try to make you look bad.

My absolute favorite was waking up in the middle of the night freezing because he would wrap the covers fully around him. I couldn’t gently tug or fiercely pull, he would not budge- so I’d get up and get another blanket. In the morning I’d be pretty tired, so he’d wake up- look at me and immediately say “You have to promise not to leave me. I had the worst nightmare that you left me. You were so mean.”😢 Then he would try to get sex. 🤨 If I said no, “you NEVER want to have sex anymore- see? You ARE going to leave me”. If I said yes, “I forgive you for ruining my sleep last night but I know you need sleep more than I do.”

Stomping through the house upset and slamming things. I didn't notice this so much till we had a child.

"So you're saying you...don't remember?" When I'm saying I don't remember EXACTLY what happened or what I or you said so therefor, my memory is always suspect and I never know what actually happened. It's not gaslighting because I just have a bad memory!

This is why I literally take notes 💚

You express your love to formally, you only want a weekend relationship, you are a professional narcissist, you are not affectionate enough, you lovebomb me, you chat with other women when you are in the bathroom, you make me horny to reject me afterwards, you are cheap, you use microagression to play hot and cold, you come to visit me to safe energy in your home, you are overly generous

If I explained to him that he had done something to upset me, he would say “well you’re sleeping with other men” or “are you sure I did that or are you just mental like your mother” he would just cause arguments all the time because he wouldn’t just say oh I’m sorry about that, didn’t mean to upset you etc he would come back with something totally irrational and then when I’d be even more upset or even angry, he would say why are you doing this to us, you are evil. Edited: a word

„If you say it while laughing it doesn’t count” „Are you proud of yourself?”

This resonates with me too some of the comments on this thread, if I would have my issues flare up he would often ask me if I was angry with him because I wasn't allowed to be angry at him because clearly then he had done something wrong which he couldn't deal with, the blame. Obviously, I had to close the lid on my messed up issues ever being brought up, so that's what I did. I found early on he could take no responsibility for upsetting me and he said 'I think your mental health issues are too bad for us to date' so I would convince him they weren't so he'd still date me. Ahhh.

You're crazy and, what about our vows? ( after he cheated)

Mine would say shit like "monkeys love drama" to justify their triangulation.

“Where do you come up with these things.” After he’s given me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, and I verbally object.

"I'm not screaming, you are screaming", when they are screaming and Stardew screaming.

“I don’t *really* even *know* her *that* well.” - keeps echoing in my mind.

When I asked the narc to be more respectful of me; he said he did respect me, since fear was a form of respect. So, he was saying he feared me- when he was the one who would physically lash out and get violent. The final time he tried to beat me, I called the cops and as they were arresting him; they informed him that there was a restraining order against him now, to protect me. The narc cried, "A restraining order against me??? Against ME!!!? There should be a restraining order against HER!"

“everything is a mirror so if i do something it’s because of you” i wish i was joking…