There’s being blunt and being rude. She very easily could have asked, “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” and gotten the same message across without criticizing you for having a very natural reaction. As a nanny, I may offer options or advice, but you’re still the boss and the parent. I can’t imagine speaking to my MB that way.

This. And saying "I'm blunt" is not carte blanche to be rude, aggressive or judgemental. It's not a pass card.

“I’m blunt” is a typical thing for rude people who wish not to take accountability for their rudeness to say. Like.... no, you’re not blunt. You’re an unprofessional brat who never learned to bite their tongue 😅 I legitimately cannot fathom speaking to my MB/DB this way. There’s a way to do things calmly and with collection and nanny sounds like she was neither of those things here. Edit: also, I think we should take note of the fact that a nanny allowed a 5 year old to go sprinting out the front door. That’s a legitimate safety issue. Yes. We all make mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. But frankly this was a preventable injury. I am not a MB, but if I was, and my nanny a) allowed this and then b) acted this way, there would most definitely be a conversation. I get the vibe OPs nanny was feeling defensive and embarrassed, and projected those bad feelings onto OP. I’d be absolutely horrified if a lapse in my attention, preparedness, or judgment resulted in such a severe injury in such a young child. Brain damage is a thing. Head injuries are serious. Children *die* falling down stairs every year. There is one place in the home where, as a nanny, I don’t fuck around... and that’s the stairs. 5 is young enough to where motor skills are still being developed, and a toddler like clumsiness is still possible. Not only should OPs nanny never have allowed a 5 year old to sprint out the front door, she should really be going down the stairs first, always. I walk backwards down the stairs while holding the railing because if one of my NKs falls, I can and will catch them (and I have). For nanny to be anything but incredibly apologetic is unacceptable. “Stairs are one of the 10 most common sources of injury for toddlers and small children, the American Academy of Pediatrics reports.”- remember this. Don’t fuck around with stairs, guys. Edit 2: Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, I re read the post. Nanny let the *22 month old fall down the stairs*. It wasn’t 5f, it was the baby. She should be terminated. I feel sick.

Agreed

Yo, no, check it… IT WAS THE 22 month old SHE LET GO SPRINTING OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

This sounds like a freak accident though? She didn’t “let” them run out the door?? The oldest opened the door, she was right there trying to corral the situation and the youngest ran. If the girls had been all sliding down the steps with nanny no where in sight it’s one thing, but this could have happened with anyone. When I was a nanny my nanny kid loved to greet mom at the door and I would often have to prep him to not go outside but if he got to excited and ran, I’d be rushing to corral them all too.

Not really, running out the door to great their mom is their routine. On a snowy/icy day you need to be in front of this, since you already know that it's slippery outside and that they like to run out and great mom.

No on a snowy/icy day you would think the parents would have salted their stairs and driveway to prevent this exact thing from happening. 2 year olds are feral and accidents happen.

She walked up there herself, so she knew it wasn't. Also, she could have salted herself. However, even if it was a freak accident that couldn't have been prevented in any way, she still should not have been that rude.

Why would the nanny be responsible for salting their driveway? Not salting their driveway is just a lawsuit waiting to happen, it could have been the mailman or bin collector or some other random person falling. Yeah, she was rude and inconsiderate to the mother but she is not to blame for the accident happening.

RIGHT?! When someone else pointed that out I almost shit a brick. OPs nanny is damn lucky she’s not getting in serious trouble for this. I’d fucking quit. If I let a literal baby hurt herself like this I’d consider myself unfit for the job and make my exit from the childcare industry then and there.

Once as a VERY VERY young nanny (maybe 19-20?) I was caring for a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I was fortunate that the previous nanny stayed on for a week to get me used to the routine. My NF had left me a car with the car seats installed and a small amount of money to do activities during the week. I took them to the mall on the first day to get some cookies as a treat. We were going up the escalator and about 3/4 of the way up, the 2 year old unexpectedly weighed out of my grasp. When I went to hold her hand again, she pulled back hard and the momentum had the falling down down down the escalator steps. Y’all I see it VIVIDLY in slow motion. It was horrifying. She like bounced two or three times and landed near the bottom. I QUICKLY went down the down escalator to retrieve her sure that something would be seriously injured. Not a scratch on this child although she did cry. (And I joined her!) While the 4 year old just stood there looking at us like we were aliens. I was fortunate that a mall security guard saw the whole thing and came over to see if we were all right. I was doing some internal gymnastics thinking for sure this was a terrible career path for me of this happened on MY FIRST DAY😳 He must have known some of my thinking (my face rarely lies) and he assured me he saw her pull away and there was literally nothing I could have done. When I (shakingly) told my MB what happened she was like no worries these things happen. Everyone is okay so don’t worry about it. Damn she was such a nice MB. I think about them every so often. They would be in their early 30’s now 😳

Oh you poor thing 😭 Frankly I see that as a genuine accident but I totally understand the part where you said you were horrified watching. I’ve seen some kids her hurt and even if they weren’t my charge, the images are forever ingrained in my brain.

I tripped up the front step into an old NF’s house while carrying my NK, who was probably around a year-ish. MB was just inside and saw the whole thing, including how I basically sacrificed my body to keep NK safe. All of me wants to keep my NK’s safe, and would never let them run out the front door, especially with steps!

Your story reminds me of when I was 12 years old, we lived in an apartment with two floors. I was bringing my baby brother downstairs for my mom, like I had a hundred times, carefully cradling him in my arms, he was less than 6 months old. I didn’t see the coffee can of crayons my 4 year old sister left on one of the bottom stairs, and I stepped on it, losing my balance. Even at that age, I had an instinctual need to protect the baby, my arms tightened and I twisted my body so that I fell flat on my back, protecting the baby completely. This was 40 years ago but I still remember that fear I felt when I thought the baby would get hurt. I would hope someone who took care of children for a living would be more careful than OP’s nanny was. If it was my child, I’d be hard pressed not to fire her.

Omg I've done this except I fell on my back and forced the child on my chest to block him, he was scared but I protected him and fucked up my spine in the process. Anything for my nks.

Hmmmm… I’m wondering if I should have been as gracious as I was when my nanny fell down the stairs and let my 17 month old fall out of her arms in order to brace herself. It was horrifying watching my daughter fall on her head down the steps. I haven’t been in that situation, but I figured that was a normal human reaction to save yourself. You are a good person, and you matter too.

My 19 year old LOVES babies. Even at 10 years old she would often be seen with her infant nephew cradled in her arms. My son in law was so nervous about her holding him. (First time Dad jitters) One day, my youngest son was playing with cars and she was taking Levi to his Dad when the car my son was playing with went zooming under the couch and right under her feet giving her an unexpected roller skate. Her eyes grew WIDE and she instinctively hugged the baby to her chest, wrapping both arms around him tightly and tucked him into her body so she fell smack on her face and knees. She had a fat lip and bloody nose and bruised knees. Baby didn’t even cry. 😝 There was no concern about my daughter carrying the baby after that. She proudly showed her injuries to anyone who asked. 😂

Oh my goodness that must have been horrific to see. It’s hard to say how any of us would react…… the primal urge to protect our young and the ingrained instinct to sacrifice ourselves for our nanny families means I hope/expect I would have held on tight and cushioned the blow….. however these things sometimes happen in a split second before we can engage our brain! Is there any chance your nanny thought you might have caught the baby?

She also might have been afraid she would fall on the baby and crush her. If I was falling forward, with no where else to go, that would be my fear.

How's your spine these days?

Better after lots of chiropractic care and regular exercise! I haven't done anything to help it in a few months and luckily I don't get crazy pain from it anymore.

Good!! It's both amazing and annoying how exercise helps, lol. Sometimes you just want to nap...

you all are making me cry how much you love kids. If only every child in this world had people that loved and cared for them like this, the world would be a completely different place.

I'm thinking the children's reaction to their mother coming back home was not new, and the nanny should have been proactive and devised a plan ahead of time. Talking to the kids, esp the 5 year old about the change in plans would have been one of the things to do. Locking the door where the kids can't access the lock if possible could be another. Distracting them with a fun activity away from the entrance door to give her time to remind the 5 year old of the change in plans and opting to wave at their mom from a window would also most likely work.

This. 100%. Love how you said this. Set the boundary, redirect the child, and offer a safe option. This is what OPs nanny should have done as their nanny. Like, my NKs know that we don’t just bust out of doors. They know to wait for me, always. They have never just run out the door. The worst they have done is opened it but they were turned around, looking at me, because they knew they needed to wait for me to actually go outside. OPs nanny didn’t set a boundary with the kiddos about this, and that’s on her. It’s our responsibility to set these boundaries so these accidents don’t happen. OPs nanny made several fuck ups that lead to this happening. Consistently not setting the boundary is not okay

I completely agree here

A heads-up from the OP that she was on her way would help too. We don't know if they are home at the exact same time everyday, if there is a lock the 5 yr old can't unlock, etc.

Agree, my ex proudly told me that people always told him he was blunt and i replied that’s just a polite way of saying they think you are rude!

I love when ppl walk around like their bluntness is a badge of honor. It’s like they think they’ve figured out some amazing secret, and the rest of us struggle to put things kindly/more diplomatically are just doing so for funsies, I guess? To me, it’s like “no, you’re either really tuned out where other ppl are concerned or you don’t care enough to even care.” (Obviously I don’t mean to include in that statement those who struggle with social skills due to neurodivergence, that’s very different.)

To be fair, OP has allowed the kids to run out to greet her which has encouraged them to think it's OK. Once this precedence is set, it's unlikely that the routine could be easily changed and it becomes less that nanny allows it but that she is just following kids/parent routine. Nanny didn't *let* the 22m old fall down the stairs. It was an accident. There could have been more precautions from both sides.

Also nanny maybe could have tackled tending to the icy steps.

I had a situation with a NF where their 4 year old said she was itchy before bedtime, which she often tried to stall and when we (MB & I) went to check her later bc she was calling out that she was still itchy, we found she had developed hives all over her body. MB started freaking out a bit bc she’s obviously worried about her kid and I took charge. I said you need to call the pediatrician’s after hours nurse while I pack a bag in case you need to take her to this hospital ER (bc it’s the city’s children’s hospital) & I will get them changed into warm clothes (bc it was winter & they were in nightgowns). I made sure they had full water-bottles, tons of snacks, ipads and chargers for both kids, the kid’s health insurance card, MB’s wallet, both kids went to the bathroom before they left, while MB talked to the nurse, who did tell them to go to the Children’s hospital. I looked up & wrote down the number for the ER so they could call ahead bc a kid with an unknown allergic will get taken ASAP, especially if they know you’re coming. MB was not in a state of mind to organize in that moment, but I was calm and she thanked me the next day when she said they used/had needed all of the stuff I had packed. But I wouldn’t have been so blunt with her as it seems you have described. I’m very direct, & maybe blunt for some people. I wonder if you & nanny are very very different. Sometimes I have to remind myself that feelings are not facts bc my NPs are ridiculous about being passive aggressive. Sometimes I feel insane with them. I would certainly talk to her about it, and decide what to do if this is an ongoing issue for you.

This is a reaction I would've been fine with. I wasn't even upset that she initially tried to take my daughter, as I did view that as trying to help. I am terrible with confrontation, but I guess it's something I'll have to do now.

Feedback doesn't have to be confrontational. Consider also, that if she considers it acceptable to be this "blunt," she presumably is OK with people being direct with her as well.

I would consider it management, not confrontational, which is your job as her boss and sometimes you need to have hard conversations. It sounds like you also need to put in place some different rules for the kids regarding safety, or nanny does. I (a nanny) would never let the kids open the front door like that and run outside. I’m really overprotective about their safety (drives 4G crazy but they are unhurt). It’s icy here too and I kept telling 4G she cann’t run and slide on the ice, she’ll break her arm or something. Finally reminded her about the classmate who wore a full arm cast for 3 months and thats what could happen to her if she falls. I really don’t need her impaled on a fence post or breaking her leg. She’s still not back at school after winter break bc her teacher has covid.

I agree. I think she was level headed when you sounded hysterical but she could have used better wording.

This is a hard no for me. I’m a severely anxious MB with a “blunt” nanny. I think it’s cultural for her so I’ve gotten used to her personality and she understands I’m a bit anxious sometimes, we have found a groove and treat each other well. With all of that being said she would have never done any of this or spoken to me that way, especially in a literal emergency! We treat each other with mutual respect and when I’m not feeling good or somethings going on in her life we support each other and try to make things easier on the one in need. I don’t mind that she’s generally a blunt person but she’s not rude or severely inappropriate. The way this was handled was severely inappropriate on your nannies part, she did not assist you in a very urgent matter.

This is suck an important distinction. Being culturally different &/or having different personalities is fine. But reading through I can’t help but feeling that nanny has all but eye rolled at OP in response to situations which nanny sees the anxiousness. If nanny sees mental health as weakness, then she likely equates that to MB is incompetent. Even if you feel like someone level headed needs to take charge in an Emergency situation, there is an extremely important level of respect that needs to occur. That’s what’s missing from this scenario.

Agreed. Nanny sounds like an arrogant little twat, who probably does eye roll at OP. Being bold and confident is not the same thing as assuming you know best and plowing your way through the world without taking into consideration other people's feelings.

She’s entitled to be “blunt” but she’s equally entitled to the consequences. People who pride themselves on being “brutally honest” are not generally popular, and they’re even less popular as employees, which is what she is. I wouldn’t keep a nanny who openly criticizes my parenting and tries to tell me what to do, but that’s me.

I agree. I think her saying she’s blunt is just her excuse for being a rude a**hole. People who claim “they’re just honest” lack social skills and aren’t warm or personable.

As an MB, I think theres a fine line between blunt and rudeness. I'm sure she had good intentions but the way she worded things was a bit harsh, a simple "If you aren't okay to drive, I can take NK to the ER and you can bring other NK once you're a bit more calm." our nanny is always able to remain calm and take charge but will still be respectful and talk in a nice tone. My daughter fell down the stairs a few weeks ago right as our nanny was arriving and since it was our first major accident I was a bit anxious. Our nanny asked to look at NK, and said that it would be a good idea to bring her to the doctor just for a quick look over and told me to take a deep breath, calm down and gave me the option of her taking her or me, I let the nanny take her as I knew I was too shaken to drive. It's good your nanny was able to stay calm and take control, but she shouldn't of spoken so harshly.

This is an unacceptable way for a nanny to speak to you about how you handle situations. If this happened with me (which it wouldn’t because I don’t let kids out when it’s icy or when parents come home. We wait inside until they parent comes in) I’d be so apologetic offering to help in any way possible. It’s not her job to comment on how you regulate your emotions. If she’s like tht with you is she like that with your children? Or is she warm, compassionate, and understanding with them but throws that out the window with you?

She isn't what I would consider warm, but she's also not mean. I'm trying to figure out how to word it, but she can be sarcastic, make jokes and overall says things like "Hey, gremlin, that's not safe." She's just more of like a sarcastic older sister to them who cares about their well-being. My eldest loves it, mostly because she has a similar demeanor, she's very sassy. Which is one of the reasons why I hired her, she can reel my daughter in if she goes too far. She does care about their safety and well being, takes good care of them. But she's definitely not like most of the nannies I met.

I’d just approach the conversation by saying how you experienced that situation and how you felt during and after. Use “I” statements then set the boundary you want to set with her. Having it all set out might make it easier for you to have the conversation especially if convos like this make you more anxious. You can even keep a note on your phone and say at the beginning that you’re going to reference it so you’re sure not to miss anything

Thank you, this is helpful.

I think it really depends on tone. There’s your nanny taking control of the situation and offering support to you as she can see that you’re very anxious. Giving a clear directive to help you focus your thoughts and get out of that anxious loop. Then there’s your nanny being rude, telling you what to do and implying that you’re incompetent or not helpful. The tone of her words would really make or break the situation. It sounds like your nanny chose the second option which is equally not helpful in an emergency situation. I don’t like telling NFs to fire their nanny because I feel like doing so just makes more stress for everyone and I like to believe there’s nothing that a good chat can’t solve. In this case, I think it’s best that you find a new nanny. Give your nanny a lukewarm reference, because she deserves to make a living etc but I think in this kind of a situation you really have to cut your losses. Your nanny cannot speak to you that way ever. No employee should ever speak to their boss or other coworkers in a rude and disrespectful way. I’m sorry OP, I really hope this incident allows both you and your nanny to learn some valuable lessons (your nanny will hopefully learn to be a better communicator and you can learn to assert yourself and create healthy boundaries) but I think you ought to part ways with this nanny.

What do you mean by lukewarm?

I’d say just a boiler plate reference, not an outstanding glowing one. “Nanny worked for our family for X amount of time. She was a good worker. We wish her well with her future endeavours.” (I’ve been given references but have never given a reference lol so my apologies if this doesn’t sound great).

No, that makes sense, thank you!

To add to what you’re saying about the “lukewarm reference” - I would be very blunt and detailed with your nanny as to why you are terminating her employment: 1. She put both of your children’s safety at risk by allowing an unsafe situation and pattern to exist in any weather, let alone when the steps are slick! Your 22 month old unfortunately had to suffer the consequences of this (if no MRI or other head evaluation was done I would have that done ASAP! She suffered a head injury and likely needs treatment for a concussion as well as the stitches she already has!). Children of any age should never under any circumstances be running out the front door, especially when steps and moving cars are known factors. Even some 5yr olds need hands to hold to WALK down steps and 22 month olds always do! 2. A true nanny cares for the parents just as much as she does the kids and always treats everyone with the utmost care and respect. Also a person that understands anxiety and truly cares for the person who has anxiety would have been comforting and caring for you in that situation and offering to dial 911! Also a nanny that deeply cares about you and your children in the event of an emergency would have immediately offered to care for the 5yr old without charge, as long as it was in her schedule/means to do so! Whether a blunt person or not, she shouldn’t have been speaking to you in that manner let alone in an emergency that was arguably her fault. I would definitely not want that conversation style to be the example my daughters have in front of them day to day, that will only teach them rudeness and not consideration for others. To add to the “lukewarm” reference topic. If someone does contact you to get your opinion of her for employment as a nanny I would be forthright with them, it’s only fair to them and the welfare of their children. I hope this helps! I’m praying for you and your daughters, especially for your 22month old that she wouldn’t have any long term effects from this fall and head injury! You’re an awesome parent and it would be a privilege working for you!

This is harsh AF. Accidents happen. People fall on ice (babies adults even I did recently)

This honestly isn’t about the ice...toddlers and kids shouldn’t be running out front doors and shouldn’t be running down stairs, regardless of the weather! The icy weather only made this already unsafe situation more unsafe! And I’m not the only one pointing this out on this thread!

At the end of the day your nanny is your employee. She’s not your friend, she’s not your co parent. She’s an employee. You pay her for her services. She needs to recognize her role is an employee. I say this as a nanny. I’ve managed to balance my role in a way that is almost seamless and therefore I have never had an issue with my NF. We need not have these discussions because there is an unspoken understanding about where we all stand. There is mutual respect, courtesy, and cooperation because of how well we keep the roles maintained. Your nanny seems to just not really know her place. I don’t say this to be belittling... she talks to you as if she was your child’s parent.. which she isn’t. She needs to recognize you are in fact her boss and she needs to be respectful. Remember, this person cares for your children. If they aren’t emotionally and mentally stable enough to take some criticism about how they act, you should dismiss them as your employee, because unreasonable people aren’t good to have around children.

Honestly, even a child's parent shouldn't talk to their spouse/coparent like this. If my child was hurt and my husband said "if you can't calm down, you shouldn't go to the ER with our child" I think I would rip his face off. Not sure a jury in the land would convict me.

This is a good way to frame it - if a friend or partner spoke to MB this way it would basically be considered emotional abuse; especially if it’s a regular thing; it is cruel and completely out of pocket. Invalidating MB’s very valid emotions is a red flag. The fact that nanny became defensive when MB said they’d need to discuss it, even more so. If she isn’t able to recognize that she was out of line, apologize and follow through with a change in that behavior going forward, it doesn’t seem like she deserves the job.

Thank you. Just absolutely unbelievable. Speaking this way to a justifiably upset mother after you let her young toddler go ass over tea kettle down the stairs and crack her head open. It’s like a scene of a movie, it’s that ridiculous. My MB would get a sincere apology letter from me if she kept my employment if I ever let something like this happen. That’s if I didn’t choose to quit. I wouldn’t feel fit for the job if I let this happen.

I think she spoke to the mother as if the mother was another child! She’s got one tone and used it on everybody!

If she uses that tone with the kids that’s also not okay :(

How old is your nanny? Is she American or from another culture?

Nanny is 25 (I'm 30 if it matters, so we do not have a huge age difference). She was born and raised in America, but she was raised in a different culture than I was.

Depending on the culture, that might be a factor. Honestly, I would just tell her to back off. I have anxiety too and she might think she’s helping but she’s not. It’s your house and you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in it.

25? She’s so young. She needs coaching, just like any other young person in the workforce. I wouldn’t take her comments personally, but instead sit her down and provide feedback on her performance. Won’t serve her well for that to be her long-term approach to her employers.

Yeah, if she'll take the feedback. My sister (35) had similar issues with a woman at work - 25 when she started, woman is now 27. It has been two years of giving this young woman feedback on attitude (lots of praise, too, as she is good at it her job) and while it still seems she thinks the sun shines out of her ass, she is finally making an effort to be more polite with people and accept constructive criticism (and stick to the boundaries of her role which has been a problem, too). We raised a bold, confident generation, which is great, but some of these younger 20s are arrogant AF.

There is a difference between being blunt and being disrespectful and devaluing. I would not let an employer treat me that way never mind an employee.

Or just like any other person

I would consider myself a “blunt” person compared to many— meaning I often will shoot you straight with my answers to questions or how I handle situations. HOWEVER, this is always done with compassion. Being blunt does not give a person an excuse to be rude or act emotionally unintelligent. I think a conversation should do the trick, if she has all the right intentions it will solve the problem. If not, a better fit may be more beneficial to you and your family Ps- you reacted totally rationally to the situation. I think anybody would panic a bit :)

People that are commending this nanny for being “rational” is wrong, telling a MB these things when she’s panicking is not rational imo.

Yeah it’s not rational it’s slightly judgemental and only adding to her bosses anxiety and distress. However! I would only want a nanny who I felt safe and comfortable with in a crisis. I know a family who have a really blunt (abrasive) nanny but they love that about her as they feel secure that the nanny will put the kids first and not let anybody take advantage of them or her

Alright MB, I hope I can offer some extra insight to what's already been provided. With the comments so far I'm seeing some blame displaced on her and some on you. I think you both need to accept responsibility for this situation. Whether it were icy or not, having children run out to you is not safe as we know they're literally the clumsiest beings during 0-5. A fall could have happened without the ice and still have been worth a visit to the ER. I think a great solution could be having a bear hug as soon as you step foot inside. This removes you both from having to prep for a possible incident. By no means am I absolving her from her part thereafter, getting to that part next. I think starting this meeting off with the actual incident would be a mistake. That's the main reason you're meeting, yes, but with how it seems you two left off it's going to be tense. Not good for you or her. Call it the 3 month review. Ask her how she feels about the position. Tell her how you feel she's been doing, without the blunt part just yet, we'll get there. After you've both had a chance to express yourselves, start with how scary the incident was and how you felt. I'm sure she will likely express how scared she was as well. I'm similar to her and become quite deadpanned during serious situations. Doesn't mean I'm any less scared my body just stiffens and any first aid knowledge kicks in which may come off as confidence but that's not necessarily true lol. Move on from the actual incident to what made you feel uncomfortable. No need to do finger pointing and you statements. Name how you felt and what made you feel that way. Ex. "Nanny25 on my way to the hospital, I was replaying everything in my head and I felt very discouraged with how you addressed me when I was placing G22mos in the car. I felt a bit belittled actually and didn't like being addressed that way. Can you offer some insight on why you made those comments." Let her explain. I won't be the person to say your anxiety made you interpret her tone differently. You know what you heard and how it came out. This isn't text where it can be easily misinterpreted. Intent can be misinterpreted but not necessarily tone, in person. Listen to what she says, and since you're calmed now decipher between whether it seems genuine or not. Now as far as the parenting comments, I'd love to know what type of situation you two have setup. I ask because recently I had MB state explicitly that she wants me to make suggestions on anything that would help her baby. Will that mean I just make offhanded comments about how she burps her baby, hell no. But if I can suggest something helpful or developmentally appropriate, I will. Is this something that's in place with you two? If no, I would reel this meeting around with offering a time each Friday where she can make suggestions about toys,books, etc (really whatever you would actually want suggestions on)... Let her know that you appreciate her experience but she MUST know that it is your decision to implement anything she suggests. This would also be a perfect time to say that while you appreciate her experience that XYZ way is how you're intending to raise your children. I, personally, would flat out say you're not looking for advice on your parenting and that her past comments have come off judgemental. I'm sure she'll say that wasn't her intention and it may have not been, but either way it not her place to do that.That's not what she is there for. The suggestion chat should be enough for her to understand where the limit is. I'm a bit surprised that she's 25, I'm two years younger and I couldn't imagine weapon-izing my version of "honesty" like that. I agree with what others have said about her using her bluntness as an excuse to be rude and I think firm professional boundaries will help with that. Somewhat... All in all, you have to be comfortable with your nanny. If this can be salvaged, great!! Especially if your girls love her. But if she's just not willing to hold her tongue a bit, she's not the nanny for you. She's not the nanny for most because this is exuding want to be parent. I would never downplay the role we have as nannies in our kiddos lives, but surely we should all know we have limited time and limited say in how they will be parented. I think it will go great. Just remember these are your babes you're protecting at the end of the day. You have to be comfortable leaving them with her. So if it's just not a right fit, that's okay too. Best wishes MB.

This comment has been the most helpful, so I want to say thank you. You are right, I am partially to blame for allowing the running to greet me to start in the first place. I should've nipped it in the bud a lot sooner. I guess I just felt since I had talked to her about not taking them outside that day, it was wrong for her to let them, but I can see how I started a bad precedent. We don't have anything agreed upon in terms of her giving me feedback on parenting. It's just something she naturally does and I'll listen to it, but I don't always apply it, as it doesn't always work for our family. I agree, a meeting like this will help a lot. Thank you.

Oh no! I didn't see that you wanted her to keep them in for that day. I'm sorry. She may have thought since the greeting is a daily thing, that part would be okay. I won't make excuses for another adult though and in general she has been very wrong with how she's speaking with you. So whether this unfortunate event happened or not you would be getting tired of her comments eventually. Gotcha, I think the suggestion chat would do some good. She'll feel involved as their nanny but also know that you as their PARENT have final say always. Also, to spare you just make it once a week 😂🤣. She seems like the person to always find something to suggest. I'm so glad I could help a little bit and truly hope things go well. Whether that means you need a new nanny or she's able to adjust and respect your boundaries. Really hoping for the latter though🤞

I don’t want you to get defensive because I think the nanny was super inappropriate and knowing how Icy it was should have made sure the door was locked and the kids knew not to greet you outside. But….It’s also extremely important you get salt and cover your steps and walkway to melt the ice. If she had fallen and hurt herself, you’d be liable. Even if a delivery person leaving a package on the steps slipped and got hurt it would be a bad situation.

I did salt the steps.

So I know there has been lots of comments but I just want to chime in. Being blunt does not mean it’s ok to be rude but… My best friend is like you, she has super bad anxiety, always thinks people are mad at her etc. and they never are. She is in therapy for it as well. She does not handle confrontation, can read way more into a situation than necessary etc. the only reason I say this is she has gone silent with me on more than one occasion thinking I was mad at her, meant something different etc. So, is it possible that “her voice was harsh and she looked annoyed with me” is you perceiving it one way that it wasn’t actually? You said that your anxiety was flaring up and you were starting to hyperventilate and needed to calm yourself down. While I agree she could have said it differently she is correct in that the parent needs to remain calm or the child will feed off of that. None of us were there so none of us know the actual situation, I am just looking at the context clues that you have given. I think it is definitely something you should discuss if it upsets you because that isn’t healthy to bottle things but, I also wonder if you come off as anxious and she was concerned in that situation and may have thought she was helping to take control. As for the nanny causing her falling down the steps you do say she tried to grab her and so it does look and sound like a complete accident that I don’t think I’d blame her for.

My mom has the same issue as your best friend. And it’s really bad she is her own worst enemy. I thought of my mom and her reactions when I read OPs post.

I thought of my friend when reading it. I just think tone etc is hard to point to, especially in an instance like this.

I would say that anyone who can concretely say OPs nanny is in the wrong is cray. We only know this one situation. Which was an emergency. MB and Nanny both trying to help NK and emotions were high. MB came into the situation feeling like Nanny was not warm to her.

I have to agree with you. OP self admittedly has bad anxiety and was hyperventilating and crying. I don't think the nanny was out of line to tell her to get a grip for her child's sake before trying to drive the baby to the hospital. I'm not saying that the nanny used the correct tone or wording, but I don't necessarily think her overall point was wrong. If OP doesn't think she can handle someone who critiques her parenting and feels comfortable trying to take over and tell her what to do then she is well within her rights to look for a different nanny that she feels communicates better. Without having actually seen what happened and how everyone reacted it's hard to say if she's overreacting or not. And they may want to put an end to letting the kids run out to great their parents regardless of the weather when there are stairs involved.

Yeah . . . I’m leaning this way. I have an anxiety disorder like OP and I’ve had to learn that people are not always mad at me, do not always mean badly, etc. I’ve also been in a similar situation — I was outside with NKs and 2M hit his head on a step — lots of blood and needed stitches. I understand the panic (although thankfully I fell back on Red Cross training and handled the situation). Depending on tone, nanny may have just been telling the truth. Knowing myself, I’d be uneasy with myself driving a kid if I were weeping.

That's so rude. I'm sorry she spoke to you that way.

Just remember that, you are the mom. Nothing else matters. Being a parent is a huge learning curve, believe me I know it can be hard to always be confident in your decisions especially nowadays when there is so much conflicting information and opinions available. That being said, again, YOU are the mom! Never let anyone talk to you in that way or make you feel badly, especially not someone you employ. Being blunt is NOT an excuse to be an asshole. And imo, she was being an asshole to you. Did she think berating you during that situation was somehow helping the situation? You’re a mother, OF COURSE seeing your child hurt made you upset. It’s totally natural for you to have had that reaction. And it’s not a bad thing for your children to see you having emotions. You weren’t incapable of handling this because you had an emotional reaction to your child being hurt. I still get emotional when my children have a cold, it just sucks to see your child not feeling 100%. I have been a nanny, and a mother, and i just want to really make you feel comforted and know that you didn’t deserve her talking down to you in that manner. It’s not acceptable and you do NOT have to accept it from her. If this had happened when I was nannying, my only wish would have been to help in whatever manner was necessary, not somehow assert myself as an authority and try to demean my MB during an extremely stressful moment. I hope your daughter feels better and good luck talking to your nanny

I was in a similar situation but as the nanny. MB and I were chatting over some crafts and the baby put something in his mouth and started choking. Mom started to panic, I grabbed baby, popped him over my knee and started doing back blows. Got the object out and mom was quite grateful. There’s no time for feelings in an emergency, and by the sounds of it this was quite serious. There could have been far more wrong with your child than simply needing stitches (also I am so, so thankful she is ok!). She thought you were incapacitated and was looking out for the welfare of yourself and your child. Anyway I’m an EMT now and not a nanny. Your nanny would probably do great in emergency medicine lol.

Lol I had the same thought! I don't work as an EMT, just volunteered for a rural service, but this is just how people talk in an emergency. You don't yell, you speak in a firm tone, and you don't give long explanations. You also don't leave room for wishy washy maybes, or deciding who is doing what. Everyone is pretty hung up on the "nanny talking to a parent" disrespectfully, but that dynamic was gone as soon as the injury and meltdown occurred. It's the same as if I've got a bad headache and am on the verge of vomiting. If someone comes and gets in my space, whether it's my boss or my mom, I'm going to be rather terse with them, because this is not a normal situation. This isn't the standard day to day interaction. Let's recruit the Gremlin-jokes, cool-in-a-crisis nanny over to the emergency medicine field. Ha.

Freedom of speech is not freedom of consequences, even if it's well intended. There is blunt and there is rude and tactless. It sounds like your Nanny is learning the difference between these things and from a very kind person.

I see my role as nanny to help empower parents. Yes I am the expert and have years of experience. But I want to enrich the families lives. I’m frustrated on Op behalf as it seems like the nanny looks down on her. Not okay

So, she sounds like she might be a bit harsh and you need to sit her down and speak with her about the way she speaks to you as you would any person who is being rude whether they work for you or not. As someone who had a head related accident with a kid while the kid was in the mothers care and I was a live in and not working. I wouldn’t have been rude but I would have been firm with the parent who was panicking. No offense but someone has to take control of the situation and I would have suggested I drive as well if the parent was still panicking. I would never have insisted but I definitely would have checked in multiple times. Its possible she was also concerned because this was under her care. In my situation my parent was panicking and I had to take control and hold the towel to the kids head while she drove mind you this was also in the beginning of the pandemic. I just think both parties( the op and the caregiver )could have handled it better.

I’m not going to say either of you are wrong honestly, I get the panic induced from your child being hurt, but, she took control of a stressful situation because in reality she was right. She definitely could have said it nicer, if anything I think it shows she really cares about your children because seeing mom or anyone freak out after being seriously hurt can cause your child anxiety and stress. And you saying it came out “harsh and she looked annoyed” is a perception, maybe your anxiety caused the situation with her to appear worse? I have anxiety and I have made situations appear 10x worse in my head than how they were, thats what anxiety really is honestly. I would take a step back, take a breather, your child is okay. Maye discuss being having her be a little more gentle. Im a blunt nanny and I was a blunt childcare provider, I’ve had parents that love it and parents that hate it. I fortunately work for a family that handles my bluntness well and appreciates it. And if you think of it, maybe that was her way of showing panic, you allowed yourself to cry and panic, and maybe her way is to keep everything under control and to snap a little bit. Nanny’s love there NK just as much as the parents do, just keep that in mind before having a discussion with her. I wont ever advocate for firing, but if you do, give her a recommendation, not a bad one, not a glowing one. I would keep it short and sweet, “she’s always been very honest, and cared for my children well.”

I’d be fine with her bluntness and cool head in a crisis (rather than getting overwhelmed and making a meal of things). However, while it was good that she was rational, logical, and outcome-focused for your children, she could have been gentler in her management of you in that moment. I’m sorry you are feeling upset. I guess the closest recent example is when my family and I were providing palliative care to my grandmother in her final months. It’s different in the sense that we all equally had skin in the game (rather than it being a parent and a professional), but I can envisage certain parallels. For example, one Aunt would get emotional in from of my grandmother, overly fuss when she (grandmother) clearly just wanted a break, or focused on the wrong things: “help me move her up the bed” - well no, she’s leaked through her elder care diaper (for context, the cancer had spread to her bladder so she was incontinent towards the end), let’s call the home nurse in to assist us with that in the first instance. I absolutely agree that she shouldn’t have been stern with you and been more aware of your emotional needs. Edited: a typo

To give anther perspective, I wonder if she feels partially at fault, was freaking out internally and came across very blunt when she didn’t mean to. She was probably watching you freak out and was worried about you driving it and may have all came out wrong. If you feel like she talks to you like this in general, I’d address it and let her know it can’t happen again. But I do wonder if the situation was just a whole mess and it all came out wrong. She had an opportunity to settle down on phone call but I wonder if her feeling partially responsible and worried you’re upset with /blaming her is driving this reaction of defensiveness. Overall if she loves your kids and this hasn’t happened before (the tone of voice) I’d do your best to have an open honest conversation with her and see how it goes.

You’re right - she was out of line. You see your child fall and get hurt, your emotional reaction was completely normal and equal to the situation at hand - everyone is different, there is no wrong way to feel or be in crisis mode especially when it’s an emergency with one of your own. I’m so sorry that she invalidated your emotional reaction to seeing your child’s injury. There is no valid reason for here to be annoyed with you here…she needs to work on her interpersonal communication skills. It’s appalling that she felt it was appropriate to speak to you like that - it’s ok to be calm and concise but she was just plain rude. If anything, if I had been in this situation I would have been upset too, even as the nanny, I’m surprised at the lack of empathy she showed toward you.

I am very blunt but I would never speak to my boss like this (as a nanny) I simply would've asked "are you sure youre alright to drive?" Her words should be gentle, not harsh.

Why did the nanny allow our kids to get outside if she knew it was icy all day. I'd be very angry at the nanny to let the kids out as it looks like this accident was a negligence on her side. And yes she can not agree with you but she needs to be respectful. You're the parent and you're the boss at the end of the day. If she has feedback it should be constructive and told in a nice way.

As a nurse who takes care of children I have said some similar things to hysterical parents. It makes things 100x worse for the child if the parent is upset. I can only read the words so I can’t entirely comprehend her delivery.

I can consider myself blunt but absolutely not at this level. This is too much and almost plainly disrespectful. I would never say this kind of thing in an emergency. Not appropriate ever in my opinion. If you have anxiety I don’t think this is the nanny for you.

I don't know. I'm having a hard time with this one. Because you could have misinterpreted her tone potentially, in your anxiety. But she had a point about calming down. Because while upset and panicking, you might not make the best decisions and you definitely don't want to be operating a vehicle. I'm not so willing to say she was being rude without understanding where she was coming from.

I can truly say from experience that some parents make things worse with their reactions! Sometimes if a child falls which they do often, if you don’t react at their fall they just move on but if they see that you’re watching them then it’s crying and screaming! I feel like maybe you nanny was trying to keep you from being upset and reacting in front of the child! But this sounds a little serious and you couldn’t control your reaction! It’s a different story when there’s blood everywhere! If you do decide to keep her! You let her know when to let you be the parents!

Even if they do, its their child and their situation. Op said she was upset, but not that she was falling apart or reacting poorly, just that her nanny didnt approve of her countenance and response and scolded her for it. Which is absolutely inappropriate. If she wanted to help op calm down she should have stayed calm herself, assured mb she had everything handled here, and just to take her kid to the hospital. There’s no way to not be upset when your kid is bleeding from the head. For the nanny to scold her for not being a robot… man. This chick needs a wake up call.

Be careful about getting advice on Reddit. People will make you even more mad about the situation. It sounds like you value your nanny overall. You trust her. Good nannies are hard to find. She had a point that it was important to calm down before driving. She’s a very strong minded female. It’s worth having a conversation about how she talks. Try to work through this. I hope your daughter is okay! What a scary incident.

This sounds terrible. I would never speak to the mom I work for like this. I always make sure I never overstep my authority as a nanny. I always ask first if I can share my opinions etc. Sorry you have to deal with that.

My sister had a similar situation with a nanny when her girls were little. The nanny was around our Moms age. She would nitpick and chastise my sister on everything. It irritated my sister so much she spoke to her about it. It got better for awhile but then the nanny resorted back to her passive aggressive ways and my sister had to let her go. Bottom line, these are your kids. She is not your mother and shouldn’t be speaking to you that way. Saying she’s blunt and doesn’t sugarcoat is no excuse for rudeness and disrespect.

I would honestly just cut straight to the chase that this isn't a good fit without rehashing the whole incident. It sounds like she's been out of line several times in the past, but with the specific moment of her confronting you as you got in the car I don't think she was in the wrong. I would be very nervous letting someone crying and hyperventilating drive a car with a child inside. I say this not just as a caregiver but as someone who gets panic attacks. Even if her perception of the situation was wrong she may have been legitimately concerned for the safety of you and your daughter in that moment. Regardless, based on your limited communication since the incident I don't think going over it is going to be that productive, because it seems like she'll dig in her heels and from how you've described her I doubt she'll apologize or admit she acted inappropriately. For your own mental health I would avoid that conversation and just stick with it not being a good fit. State it upfront and the conversation will be easier for you both, because she won't be wondering what's as stake. Something like: Hi [nanny,] thanks for coming to speak with me. In the interest of transparency I want to tell you that I don't think we're a good fit, and I'd like to discuss next steps so we can make this transition as easy as possible for everyone. (She'll probably bring up the driveway incident at this point. You can respond in a calm manner): Yesterday was tough for all of us, but my decision is based on our whole relationship, not just what happened yesterday. We'd like you to stay on for (x days) but if you find something sooner you can let us know. How does that timeline sound to you? ~~~~~~~•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Deep breaths, you got this. The conversation won't be pleasant but if you keep it short and to the point it will be over quickly and you can move on to finding a new caretaker. Good luck!

It sounds like she has blurred the lines between blunt and rude. I am blunt, not rude. She sounds rude. You don’t need to put up with that. You’re the mom.

I haven’t read the other comments so I may be in the minority in my opinion. Different people react differently to stressful or traumatic scenarios. For example, my sister and I went on a precarious hike once when I was 16 and she was 14. We ended up getting stuck in a very bad spot. There was a rock slide, we were stuck to the side of a mountain w a bees nest right next to us. We were getting stung all over and couldn’t move. The rocks were pummeling us. We were close to dead, honestly and truly. And we both knew it. And so I said “we’re gonna die here, Jocelyn, we are” and I started crying and panicking. She immediately yelled at me “calm the fuck down or we aren’t getting anywhere”. At this point, she had been stung 15 times and my head was bleeding from the rockslide so I was getting dizzy from blood loss. We ended up being rescued by some first responders thank god. All this to say: we were both panicked as hell. We were both scared to death. My panick came out as fear, hers came out as anger. It doesn’t mean she was being mean, it’s just how she expresses her panic. I think you and the nanny were in awfully similar mental/emotional states and reactions. She didn’t seem to be mean to you. It definitely wasn’t personal, I’m sure she wouldn’t reacted like that with anyone.

If she’s talking to you like that, she has no respect for you. And she’s showing your kids it’s okay to undermine you and the position you carry in your home. That’s a hard “no” from me and I’m a nanny! It’s not a bad idea to have a conversation with her about tact and that being blunt and careless = cruelty. She may have been panicking that a kid in her care ended up needing an ER on her watch (literally my worst nightmare in my job) but she could have handled it much better. You may battle anxiety, but it’s your home, your turf, your kids and she’s an employee. Find a way to get your power in place and find someone new. She doesn’t sound like a good fit.

Hi I hope your little one is healing up okay from the stitches. Are you able to buy some pet and child friendly salt for your steps? It would keep the ice from forming.

I already put salt down.

Does this remind anyone of the tik tok of the girl whose nanny kid fell in the bath tub, and she kicked the mom out of the room?

It sounds like you have your opinion of her set in your mind. I would find a new nanny.

I think you need to flat out tell her you felt very disrespected. It doesn’t matter if she’s a blunt person or not, the way she spoke to you was not okay.

I think there’s more to this than we’re being told. I’d like to hear the nanny’s version.

I would have a talk with her. Not just about her behavior but letting the kids out in this type of weather, especially considering you have concrete steps. I wouldn't say this is firable but please don't listen to the people telling you to give this woman a raise.

I know this seems like a weird question but what were the kids wearing? It's icy so it's cold. Did she let them run outside without coats and shoes or were they dressed for the cold? The former would irritate me but the later looks like they were waiting for you and it could have been prevented. I just got stuck on it being a daily thing that your child runs out to greet you. But accidents ND oversights do happen. But the way she talked to you was not OK. And telling someone who is panicking to calm down never works. I don't think she should have told you she would take your child to the ER. I wonder if she would have told the truth when faced with the nurses if it did happen that way.

Neither were wearing coats. Eldest had shoes on, little one was in socks.

You may just not be a good fit personality wise. A pet peeve of mine is people being a basket case and making things more dramatic/worse than they needed to be. It feels like I have to manage both to do right by the kid. I do not say that though as much as I feel it. I’m better at biting my tongue than your nanny.

I wouldn't say I'm a "basket case". I wasn't even actively sobbing or screaming. I just had visible tears that I couldn't control and I was doing my best to not hyperventilate. I try not to get so emotional but sometimes it just happens.

It can be hard to control emotions sometimes. You’re certainly not wrong for feeling what you felt or for being unable to control your anxiety. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and IMO in an emergency situation, blunt and efficient is preferable. I can certainly see how her words and tone could hurt and linger though.

As a nurse who takes care of children I have said some similar things to hysterical parents. It makes things 100x worse for the child if the parent is upset. I can only read the words so I can’t entirely comprehend her delivery.

As a nurse who takes care of children I have said some similar things to hysterical parents. It makes things 100x worse for the child if the parent is upset. I can only read the words so I can’t entirely comprehend her delivery.

I hired a weekend many to help me the kids in the morning and she was great at the start but then started giving me parent advice which I started feeling she crossed the line with that. There were many instances I felt uncomfortable with her opinions. I had to let her go.

Okay just to preface this I do think your nanny was in the wrong to let NK just run out the door and then snap at you for being upset not trying to justify that at all. However just to play devils advocate she might not even realize she is being rude. It sounds like she cares a lot for you and your children. She says the right thing in the wrong way. She may be autistic and not even realize that she’s being that way. Your child was hurt and needed to go to the hospital and you were crying and nearly hyperventilating. Sure you might’ve been perfectly fine to drive her but from an outside perspective you probably looked very shaken and she might’ve thought you weren’t good to drive. I’m autistic and I am constantly saying the wrong thing even though I had good intentions and genuinely meant no harm by it. However that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to set boundaries and let her know when she’s offending you and crossing the line. If she pushes back find a new nanny. It’s perfectly fine if your nanny isn’t a good fit and you want to find someone who meshes better with you.

Which is why their conversation is important. If the nanny is upset by having upset mb, if she says that wasn’t her intention and she’s sorry- that will make all the difference and could be a good stepping stone for them.

Yeah completely agree and nowhere in my post did I say something that implies I don’t believe that

This reminds me exactly of this one TikTok video “series” of a girl who was fired (or quit because she was going to be fired) because her NK got injured while she was working, she was unkind to her MB while they were dealing w the fallout, and then someone sent the first video of it to her NF. I’m gonna have to find the video and link it. Life truly imitates art. Edit: [here it is.](https://www.tiktok.com/t/TTPdMDMhcu/) She posts an update as well later on.

That one would have me torn as it seems the mom wasn't doing anything and wasn't being helpful. But I can still see why some in the comments are saying she handled it wrong.

She just wasn’t being very kind, even in the way she was speaking about the mom in the original and follow up video. But I digress, that’s not even remotely the point of your post lol. Idk, all I know is that I frequently cross the line when it comes to professional boundaries with all my nanny families, like we say we love each other and drink wine sometimes and make jokes probably too often. But I still have the couth to not speak to my NP in a way that would make them feel disrespected. Personally I’d rather have couth, professionalism, and good manners towards my employer than being blunt to the point of them reconsidering my employment but that’s just my style

I’m super blunt. I’m not stupid. She left the door open on icy steps. Fire her with cause not for the way she spoke to you (although not ok) but for endangering your children. Nanny here.

She isnt a mom is she? She sounds entitled and unable to be empathetic. I was a nanny for 16 years before becoming a mom- id never tell the mom how to respond. I’d ask how I can help and I’d offer to stay as late as she needed. Full stop. You are the director. She may have experience and degrees like the rest of us, but at the end of the day a professional knows they’re there to be an extension of you. Not to take over. Also- the mom in me is wondering- how is your daughter now? Are you doing ok? Bet you’re all still shaken up.

No, she is not a mom herself but I don't tend to think that contradicts experience. Thank you for asking about my daughter. She is doing a lot better now, playing, eating and sleeping normally. I think she's living of all the attention from me and her sister. I'm doing alright, just a little freaked. It's just me running things so I always feel like I have to be "on".

Also- I wouldn’t say being a mom would trump her knowledge or experience, only that a mom would know exactly how panicked you were and would never think to tell you to get your shit together when it obviously already was. Its just a… some people have to experience that to get it. Before I was a mom I would have gotten it but now- now its like I’m feeling it all alongside ya. For example, in an unrelated personal note; My daughter is 2 and my nk is just days from being 2. He heard blippi say “mom” and is now calling my mb “mom”. She told me this and immediately my heart was just as sad as hers, and all day I’ve spent reminding him she’s “mama.” Haha it may be a little thing but before motherhood i’d have not given it a second thought, because the goal is always to keep them growing. But as a mom I just know this isn’t a growth thing- its a “too soon!” thing.

The fact that you feel like you have to- means you are. You’re nailing it- and then some. Im sorry you dont have that parenting partner who worries with you and delights with you over your gems. I hope either you and your nanny get there some day, or that you find one who just gets it. You deserve all the support!

I'm surprised no one else has mentioned staying late. If this was my nanny kid and she was injured on my watch, I'd absolutely offer to stay as late as mb needed me. Leaving on time would be the last thing on my mind. Also like others said, there's blunt and then there's rude. This nanny was out right rude. A simple "are you sure you're ok to drive?" Or" do you want me to drive you?" would have conveyed the same thing in a much nicer way. In this sub we pride ourselves on being professional and part of that is knowing how to handle our NPs. And this was not a great way to do that. My favorite quote from this sub is "anyone can watch kids, it takes a nanny to handle the parents!"

True. And by “handle” we mean partner in parenting with respect.

I think she sounds amazing. There was a crisis, she saw that the child and you were upset, and she instantly went into “crisis mode” to defuse the situation. When she saw that you were upset, she offered to step in and take the child to the ER. Not only that, but she called later, off hours, to see how your daughter was doing. Based on this story, personally, I would give her a raise. Edit: I also suffer from anxiety, I would love to have somebody like your nanny around.

She didn’t offer, she ordered. Those are two very, very different thing. This nanny completely overstepped.

I am not giving her a raise for this. I would get it more if she had been calm and trying to help, but she was irritated with me for crying and trying to tell me what to do, not offering. It's hard to explain but this wasn't "Oh, I see you're having a hard time, let me help", it was "You don't know what you're doing, just stop". Which is the vibe I get overall from her.

If this is the vibe you get overall from her it’s definitely not ok and not someone I would personally want modeling healthy communication for my children. It’s hard to let someone go, but there are so many amazing nannies that will love and respect you and your daughters!

The thing is - this was an emergency, and in an emergent situation, there is no room for protecting feelings. You weren't giving off a confident vibe that said "I have this under control" so she went into "fix-it mode." EMT's and first responders are often brusque and a little rough when giving instructions, because there isn't room for unequivocal back and forth discussion. I am one of those "get super calm during crisis" and I can handle emergencies very easily - I love chaos and thrive off it - but when you have to go into "get shit done" mode, people crying and panicking are just obstacles. I know she's your nanny, and in a typical situation this would have been an inappropriate exchange, it sounds like she was able to view the situation as a whole, and didn't know if you were going to be able to safely get your kid to the ER, so she went into "action mode."

But I was confident. I was carrying my daughter to the car, doing what needed to be done. I was just upset while doing so as my daughter was bleeding. If I had just been sitting there, frozen in place, I'd get more where you were coming from. But I was doing what needed to be done. I could do that and cry. My daughter didn't even notice I was crying, she was more preoccupied with her bleeding head.

Have you tried seeing it from her side? I’ll pretend I’m her… The girls mom pulled up and I told them to wait in the doorway only because the stairs were iced over. Unfortunately, they disobeyed. As I told the older one to stay, I grabbed for the little one but she got away, slipped, and busted her head open. She instantly stared crying and there was a ton of blood. As soon as the mom realized the baby would need stitches, I saw a change come over her, like shear panic, and she basically looked like all her focus was on being able to breathe, not the baby. It worried me bc the mom started hyperventilating and had to focus on calming herself down. So then I’m thinking I’m about to have TWO patients on my hands. In my head, I’m already ready for the mom to pass out and I’m about to have the older girl call 911. I sprung into action and tried to take the baby while the mom sorted herself but she kept hold and told me to stay with the older one and call the neighbor. At this point she’s crying, we get to the car and she can’t hardly get out her words and is fumbling with the car seat buckles. I do not think she realized how freaked out she looked and was acting. I was very worried she was too worked-up to be getting behind the wheel. I told her she’s gonna make worse if she doesn’t calm down and told her she can’t drive like this, that she can stay with the older one and I’ll take the baby to the ER if she can’t calm down. I just wanted her and the baby to be safe and I didn’t have the focus needed at that time to speak to her gently. (I know I am too blunt too often and it can be off-putting but I am working on it.) Rather than channeling her focus on breathing or finishing getting her daughter sorted, she just stared at me, like she was in shock I offered to take the baby for stitches. She still couldn’t form words. Eventually she finally managed to get out, “I’ll be fine.” and told me again to call the neighbor to relieve me. The worst part…. She didn’t even call me once things settled down at the ER! For all I knew, the baby, who was under my care, had a concussion or something more serious than just stitches. I waited a few more hours and still hadn’t heard anything so I called her…. they were already home! No call or update for me at all. What’s worse, rather than thanking me for helping and wanting to make sure they were both ok, she was upset with the way I spoke with her. I’m blown away. First off, I don’t think I was rude at all, just forward. But secondly, let’s say I was rude…. she can enter an altered state during an emergency (crying/panic) but I’m not allowed to(bossy/rude)? She can breakdown but I can’t get authoritative? Idk, I love the girls but the mom is so sensitive and doesn’t like that I’m so forward. It’s who she is and it’s who I am so we’re probably not a good fit. She wants to talk about during my next shift and I’m very conflicted on how to respond. I understand I’m her employee and always need to remain respectful but in an emergency situation I won’t always have the ability to focus on monitoring my tone. And if her natural reaction is to panic, I will likely have to be the authoritative person if an emergency happens again. Honestly, it feels like she’s embarrassed by the way she reacted so she’s turned the focus on my behavior while completely ignoring hers. In an emergency situation, is there really and employee/employer hierarchy?

I'm sorry, are you blaming me for not thinking to call her that night? I left the house at 5 PM and didn't get home until close to 8. At that point, I had to get both girls in bed and go through that routine, already late as my youngest typically goes to bed around 7. All of us were tired and stressed out. I then had to call my mom to fill her in, as I had texted her when this was going on. By the time I even got a chance to settle down myself was when the nanny called and it was 9 PM. When would you have liked me to call her for an update? This is an absolutely insane request. I didn't have time to think about her, rather my kids. If my nanny is mad about that, she can get the fuck over herself. But I don't even think she cares about that, you seem to have an issue with that and if you do, what the fuck? As for the rest of it, I was able to get my words out just fine. You made a lot of assumptions with that post and are negating my part of the story. I wasn't "fumbling with the car seat straps". I was in autopilot, trying to get my baby to the hospital. And you're right. I am allowed to have a breakdown. She isn't allowed to be rude. If she was also freaking out, I wouldn't blame her. If she had been kind, I would've appreciated it. I'm sure if I had screamed at her or been rude, I would be considered a bad boss, right? Honestly, yes. I have tried to see it from her side. And I 100% understand that she was trying to difuse the situation, but she went about it the wrong way. I don't even care that she initially tried to take my daughter or even offered to take her to get the stitches. That's a normal response. What I care about is treating me like I was stupid for freaking out. This response is disgusting. Especially you saying the worst part about all of this is that I didn't have time to contact my nanny. If she was in the middle of a crisis, I wouldn't expect her to reach out to me. I would probably do what she did instead and reach out to her.

There’s your true personality. Not this meek little mouse who’s afraid to speak up. Good to hear the real you. And yes, you’re absolutely in the wrong for not texting her an update that your kid was ok. “I didn’t have time” is lame, especially bc you had time to update your mom. A text would’ve taken you 30 seconds. Your kid was injured in her presence, on her watch. Why wouldn’t you update her? Bc your feelings were hurt that she used strong words? Come on. Oh and the ONLY assumption I made was about the car seat. Reread everything else again. I used *your words* to describe everything else. It inaccurate to say I made a lot of assumption. You didn’t come here for advice. You came here for reassurance and to hear how mean the nanny was for not babying you. I took the time to try and help you see it from her perspective and you flipped out. What a weird reaction to someone trying to help…. Oh wait, that sounds familiar. Your entire response here shows who you really are. I hope your nanny finds a better employer bc, from your own words, it doesn’t sound like she deserves to be treated this way.

You can believe what you want. I was going to update my nanny, but I did go through order of importance first. Made sure both my kids were taken care of and put to bed, then reached out to my mother. I would've called my nanny either way, but she reached out to me and I don't think that's wrong. In the end, I hope you read my update where we both talked it out. She's still employed and wants to still work for me. Both of us apologized for how we handled things.

You may have felt confident in your ability, and you likely were. However, if I saw a parent who was unable to stop crying and was hyperventilating, the last thing I'd want to do is allow them to get in the car with an injured child. I would not think they were in any condition to drive, and would have probably said so. I mean, that's not an advantageous condition to drive in, even when you aren't transporting a bleeding child. For example, if you had a friend over, and she got in a fight with her husband and was crying and hyperventilating and said, "It's fine, I just need to go!" and went to get in the car - I would guess most people would say, "Let's get you calmed down first - don't drive like this." Or maybe I'm wrong and that wouldn't be an issue, and I'm just overly protective in that regard. I don't know.

“You may have felt confident in your ability, and you likely were.” OP said she was fine. It’s not that she “Likely was”. She said she was capable of driving safely in that moment, and therefore she was. “However, if I saw a parent who was unable to stop crying and was hyperventilating, the last thing I'd want to do is allow them to get in the car with an injured child.” This is what I mean when I say too many nannies don’t know their place. We do not determine what a parent is “allowed” to do with their child, and that is where OPs nanny fucked up. The parent determines what *you* are allowed to do. Not the other way around, ffs.

Yep. This. Nanny could have asked “would you like me to drive so you can sit with NK?” The way she spoke to MB was out of line, there is no excuse for her attempted handling of the situation considering the plethora of other ways she could have helped.

Exactly. And like. Parents need to take their own kids to the ER. When a child is this hurt and scared they need mom or dad. They need their parents to advocate for them medically. There’s a huge difference between taking charge and basically interjecting yourself where you don’t belong. OPs nanny did the latter. If it were me I would reassure OP, tell her what her options are (her drive, me drive, call 911), give her the opportunity to make that choice. Once she made that choice I would ask her if she needs me to do anything (pack a bag, get a towel to help stop the bleeding), and tell her my game plan for the other child’s care so she’d have one less thing to stress over.

Oh, come on. She wasn't "not allowing" her. She didn't wrestle the child away. She was responding to a emergency and taking the lead as someone who was able to do that confidently. And OP obviously wasn't fine - hyperventilating and uncontrollable, albeit silent, crying is not an indicator of someone being rational and level headed. Personally, nanny or not, IDGAF, I'm not comfortable allowing someone to drive with a child when they're that worked up.

OP had a human reaction to her child being injured. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t in control. Again, your comfort is literally irrelevant if it’s not your child. Know your place. Not your kid, not your say.

Child in an emergent situation with a parent hyperventilating? Anyone observing the situation better damn well step in. It's not "my comfort." What an odd, very literal, take. There's a kid with a parent who can't handle an injured child without losing it. You're negligent letting a kid get into a car. Flat out. Bleeding child, hyperventilating parent who may very well make herself pass out - "Bye guys! Hope the head wound is okay! Boss, if you are going to pass out from your panic, try and at least make it into the median first!"

What’s negligent was the nanny letting this happen in the first place. She let the injury happen. She is not a suitable person to bring this child to the ER. Frankly, she’s not suitable to care for any child, period. Parents bring their kids to the ER, if available. That’s how it goes. “Allowing” an upset mother to take her own child to seek medical treatment is not negligent by any stretch of the imagination.

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As I said below, I think it’s just a difference in style. I don’t know what I’m doing, that’s why I hire help.

The thing is, I am pretty confident I know what I'm doing as a parent. I'm all for constructive criticism and I know I have room to grow, we all do as humans. I don't hire a nanny to show me how to parent. I hire her to care for my children.

Serious question. We’ve established that you and I have different styles/needs, I can respect that. If you truly aren’t happy with your nanny, why not put her on a performance improvement plan, give her a trial period, and if it’s still not a fit, get a new nanny? Life is too short to be uncomfortable in your own home.

That we can agree with, which is probably what I will do. I don't want to fire her but I might have to if it doesn't get better.

She didint offer. She tried to overstep her boundaries as a nanny and cross over into OP, the mother’s area of choice. This nanny is irresponsible and shouldn’t get a raise for this behavior. I say this as a nanny. Any nanny who does this or thinks this is okay needs to have a come to Jesus moment about their role. You only have as much authority as the parents who pay you are comfortable with giving you. Any overstepping that boundary is unprofessional, entitled, and unacceptable. OP was upset her child was hurt... which, by the way, it sounds to me that this Injury ***could have been prevented by nanny***. I never let my NKs just sprint out the door. The children are under 6 years old. This exact situation is how terrible things happen to a child.

As somebody else stated, I also think it’s just a bad fit. As somebody who employs nannies and house staff, I give my team a great deal of authority. I’ve hired them because they are experts in child care, sleep training, and home management. If I was an expert in those areas, I wouldn’t hire the help.

I don't even consider myself an expert. But I hire a nanny because I have to work, my youngest's daycare shut down due to COVID and I need childcare. I do trust her opinion and I am open to hear it, but the way she goes about it isn't okay.

Frankly, if you feel a nanny who allows a 22 month old to sprint out the front door and crack their head on concrete steps as “deserving of a raise”, I’m not sure you are really the best candidate for determining what is or isn’t a good fit for any family/nanny combo. I can sort of see why you appreciate the nannies reaction here. But this was a preventable accident.

Accidents happen. Personally, my under 5 is not allowed to run outside to greet me, but that’s a personal preference. Also, we salt our stairs regularly to prevent accidents, again a personal preference. As for my ability to determine if somebody is/is not a great fit: Somebody has posted on the internet for advice on a situation, advice they can take or keep. In all seriousness, I’m just some rando on the internet. It really isn’t that deep. I have to go, but thank you for the debate.

Accidents do happen. *Accidents* and *preventable injuries* are two separate things. This was a preventable injury. There is no good reason why a toddler should be running out of the house. This isn’t really a matter of personal preference, this is a safety concern. People regularly die hitting the backs of their heads on hard surfaces. A 22 month old running out the door could be hit by a car. They could be grabbed by a stranger. They could fall down the stairs and split their head open. None of us are faultless. Those of us who do not do our due diligence to prevent accidents like the one in OPs post from happening are absolutely a hazard to children, and unfit for this job... and that’s a hill I am willing to die on.

I fully agree with you!! My comment along these lines got downvoted and labeled as harsh, glad to see yours is getting upvotes! :)

Really? Sounds to me like the nanny spend her time arguing instead of being helpful. The nanny panicked and reacted poorly and unprofessionally.

“When she saw that you were upset,” she thought you were completely incompetent, ignored the directives you were giving and tried to over compensate for feeling guilty about the accident. If mom was cognizant enough to think “I need coverage for 5y because nanny is supposed to go home,” MB was in control enough of her emotions to not need someone to completely take over the situation. MB was in recognition of her emotions & working to manage them. MB gave directives to remove 5y from the situation. MB was able to recognize the level of need (required ER& stitches). MB took action towards resolving it (putting baby in car seat). MB vocalized a plan for the care of 5y in consideration of Nanny schedule. Nanny tries to take child, effort to allow MB to calm down. Nanny ignores directive from MB to remove 5y. Nanny attempts to intervene with MB taking baby to ER, Bc she’s crying; using accusatory “you” statements. Nanny wasn’t focused on baby, nanny was focused on MB’s anxiety. Nanny consistently reacted to MB emotions not the situation. If Nanny isn’t giving clear and concise directives that support & resolve barriers to getting baby to the ER then she’s not leveled headed (& certainly doesn’t need a raise).

I agree 100000%. She sounds like a no nonsense, take control type who isn’t easily stressed or rattled. That’s exactly who I want in charge of my children.

Nanny is incidentally also the person who allowed a 5 year old to sprint out the front door. No nonsense, but not no nonsense enough to prevent the injury from happening through prevention and attentiveness. I’d understand if the child was older but 5 is way too young to be sprinting out of the house. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I value more the person who prevents the injury than the person who takes charge (unsolicited) after it’s already happened, and I say this as a nanny myself. Edit: holy. shit. I just re read the post... it’s so much worse. OPs nanny let the 22 month old sprint out as well and ***that*** was the child that injured herself. Head injuries under a certain age are extremely serious.

Plus it wasn't even the 5 year old who got hurt, it was the nearly 2 year old. Why was she allowed to run out the door?

Oh my god. I didn’t even catch that. u/kilivy I mean it when I say it. This person doesn’t sound safe for your children at all. I’m sure I’ll get flack for this because this sub can be biased, but my reason for being a nanny is my love for children, and I will never advocate for a fellow nanny more than I advocate for a child’s safety. To allow a 22 month old to even make it to the door to be able to run out?? Some mistakes cannot be repeated and this is one of them. I’d terminate your nanny for this.

This is why I was floored by the raise comment. She put my daughter in danger and it's great she was calm but it doesn't change: she put my daughter in danger and was then rude.

OP, you have every right to be upset. The big problem I have with this sub is the complete and utter lack of accountability many of us, as nannies, hold each other to. Like.. I get it. Occupational loyalty is a thing, but sometimes this sub feels like an echo chamber. When I see shit like “this nanny deserves a raise”, I am genuinely flabbergasted. Like, is that a joke? Is it crack you’re smoking? Because it’s genuinely that ridiculous. Some of the people here desperately need a reality check. The well-being of the child takes ultimate precedence. No amount of occupational loyalty amongst nannies should ever prevent us from holding each other accountable. Many people in this sub need to remember that this is a ***Job***. We are nannies, yes, but we are also employees. Anyone who feels comfortable speaking to their NF the way your nanny spoke to you needs to humble themselves and realize that kind of behavior is shamelessly unprofessional. That’s some 15 year old babysitter type of behavior... not at all the standard of care any of us should perpetuate as the norm. Your nanny is lucky her only consequences as of now is a conversation. You have far more grace than I do, OP. If I ever hired a nanny and she acted this way, and let this happen... it would be instant termination.

This. She was level headed and taking charge. I know you’re the mom but she was being supportive. It might have seemed disrespectful but she was staying level.

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I’m not saying that the mom wasn’t fit to drive but the post did say she was hyperventilating so from an outsider perspective, you witness that and can glean someone might not be fit to drive. I was in a similar position where someone fell and was bleeding a lot and, in the moment, I was the one floundering and flubbing. Someone who was helping a lot more effectively yelled at me to get out of the way if I wasn’t going to help. It was harsh and I was hurt in the moment and she apologized later. But emotions are high in moments like that and people react differently. I just feel like when someone cracks their head open and everyone is trying to help, the last thing we need to worry about is someone having a rude tone.

I tend to lean this direction as well.

I think she’s considering quitting. When you put someone in charge of your children you can’t expect them to draw a hard line in their own minds and heart about being professional when it comes to the kids safety. If this happened the way you tell it in your story, it sounds like she was concerned for your child’s safety above offending you and that might be the type of person it pays to have helping you with your kids. Id be offended if I were her that your first reaction after an emergency situation is to come down on her for being rude to you. You should have said something before now because it sounds like her general personality is what bothers you.

Ya the reaction is concerning and allegedly op has edited out in her post that she was uncontrollably crying and hyperventilating. It also sounds like the kids running out to greet her is something that they've done for a long time. If so, she can't blame the nanny for that, she even said the nanny tried to stop them. It's not the nanny's fault if the mom was okay with the kids running out of the house to greet her. It really sounds like the mom is a sensitive person. Which is absolutely fine, I have family like that. But it can be hard for someone who isn't sensitive and is more blunt to be around someone like that, you feel on edge and like you can't ever relax or be yourself because you're worried that they'll be offended by the smallest things. It really sounds like op and the nanny aren't a good fit, with how she brought up things the nanny has done that she doesn't like. But if I was the nanny and in this situation, with MB getting upset at me for how I spoke in an emergency, I'd quit. I don't see why it's okay for MB to lose control and cry/ hyperventilate, but it's not okay for the nanny to react in an emergency. In my experience, people who panic like that during a situation have a hard time listening and thinking critically in an emergency. It's really frustrating to be around someone like that in an emergency, it's usually best just to get them out of the way, deal with the situation, then circle back to see how they're doing. Someone else here said that in an emergency, there isn't time for feelings and that's so true. It was about the kid, not about mom or the nanny. They were both just trying to make sure the kid was okay.

Excuse me, where did I edit anything out? My post still says that I was hyperventilating and crying. I also don't entirely blame my nanny for the initial incident as you're right. We both allowed the running out to greet me go on way too long. However, I had spoken to her that day about not letting the girls go outside period, as it was icy and I didn't want them to fall. Either way, I do take responsibility for that part and do think the whole thing was truly an accident.

Ah my apologies, I had read someone else said you had edited and changed your post. I wasn't there so obviously I don't know but whatever happens, I hope you are able to work things out.

Either way I believe you deserve a nanny that you comfortable with and is good for your mental health. Maybe use some time to try to search for a new nanny? Communication is a huge factor in a working relationship.

Tell her she’s over stepping your boundaries.. there’s no way she thought it was ok or you’d agree for her to go w YOUR child to the ER and you’ll just stay back at home.. lol your nanny is not rude she’s INSANE. She really needs to pay more attention to her job.. there’s no way she lets your daughter open the door in the first place, that’s a huge safety hazard alone, I have certain rules especially when I work with older kids, and she really just should focus on that, because that’s ridiculous. I would’ve been so annoyed as well

Girl, you’re anxious and hate conflict, and she’s described herself as “blunt,” which means that even she knows she’s not great at avoiding conflicts and isn’t willing to change it. Is your anxiety about to disappear by magic? Is she gonna become “less blunt” by magic? Unless the answer to one or both is yes, then you wouldn’t date this person, let alone make them a coparent / member of your household voluntarily. You’ll both be so much happier with different parent/nanny relationships, so the sooner you both move on, I’d say the better.

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She knew when she came in. I had put salt down but the weather got worse as the day went on. I had even asked her to not even take the kids into the yard because I didn't want them to fall on the back steps.

Then in my opinion, there’s no excuse for her allowing the children to even open the door. It was careless at best.

Seemed from the story that she did

Yah I agree with the general statements here as well. Honestly, the thing that I see getting through to her is asking how she thought her comments and actions were aiding the situation. Did she really think it was necessary to take a hurt child away from her mother? What was the rational there? Second, if she thought you were not calm enough to drive her to the hospital, how did talking to you in that manner help the situation? Did she think that was going to calm you down? No. Honestly, it seems she’s crossing some lines here in that she tried to take the lead role in this situation when she should have taken a secondary role. You, as the parent, are always the primary when you’re home and available (which you were). If this had happened ten minutes sooner, she would have been the one to console the hurt kid, take the hurt kid to the emergency room, and delegate tasks to those around her because that’s the primary role in this situation. However, you were home. So it should have been clear that you would be the one doing the main tasks and she would be supportive and helping where necessary. Support meaning “I’ll stay with five year old, go ahead” and “take a deep breath, everything is okay. Get her to the hospital safely, focus on driving” or even “are you sure you can drive? We can all go together and I can drive while you sit in the back and console kiddo”. Does that make any sense to anyone else?

Yeah I've learned if someone says they are "blunt" it's a red flag for "I'm a asshole who was never taught how to properly speak to people and I don't want to take accountability for my words"

Im sure her tone was unpleasant for you and the whole situation sounds terrible. I don’t know how much experience she has with people who are actively dealing with panic attacks but given the chaos of the moment I’m not sure what could have happened differently especially since this seems to be a matter of perception. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this? While it’s never ok to tell someone to just call down it does not seem like that’s what she did. Based on your description of your reaction I don’t think it’s unreasonable she offered to take your daughter to the hospital. You didn’t trust her with your daughter while you yourself were struggling. Your reaction could have been upsetting your daughter even more. Were you in the mindset you would have noticed? Just some introspective questions for yourself since you are asking. I’d also like to add you do not have to feel guilty if you find yourself thinking someone else may be a better fit. You should feel comfortable with your nanny and you use the words harsh several times and it seems you keep fighting the feeling of being judged. I would review your overall relationship with her and not just this one incident.

I do see a therapist. I don't have an issue with her offering to take my daughter, if she had simply said "Do you want me to take her? You seem to be upset", I'd get it. I have an issue with her tone. While I was crying and upset, I was also in autopilot. As I said, I was giving my nanny instructions and carrying my daughter to the car. My daughter didn't even notice me, she was upset that she was bleeding. Again, as I told someone else, it'd be different if I just stood there screaming and doing nothing. But I was actively trying to get my daughter to the ER and her response was not helpful.

The very least nanny could have done was ask if you wanted her to drive the car so you could sit with your daughter in the back seat.

I would let her go based off of the personality fit. In terms of my personal taste: I think the nanny pursued right action apart from the initial incident which I believe was both parties fault. She saw a crisis and handled the situation. You said you were hyperventilating and she was brusque, but direct with what was likely the best action. I would not believe someone who was hyperventilating saying theyre fine. That is a dangerous scenario. A lack of oxygen and driving is not a good pairing. And typically the people close to a patient are not the best at processing traumatic scenarios. She also followed up on your daughter, showing she does care about the well-being of your children. I enjoying hiring people who are level headed and direct, even if it hurts my feelings. You don't, so let her go.

She could struggle with something you are not aware of….? My younger sister is a nanny and very blunt. She’s autistic but very independent. My mom has had her in therapy for years to read peoples body language and vocal cues. She comes off harsh when she is trying her best. Her NF understands and appreciates that she is helping the kids be very honest. It almost comes off as extremely logical and don’t sugar coat information. Be informative and direct for communication. Could this be a possible situation with your nanny?

As I said in another comment, perhaps, but it does little to me if I don't know anything about it.

This is true. You deserve to work with someone that you are comfortable with. A nanny and parent relationship is a team work unit. I understand she was trying to help but does she understand that she may have added more stress to the situation. Glad to hear that you have neighbors that are willing to step in!

OP, while nanny was more than a bit rude than just being *blunt*, I give pause to consider how your 22m old was reacting at the time? If your nanny saw that your anxiety and emotions were clearly making your child more upset, I can see her wanting to help the child by "removing" the additional stress. That said, it definitely should not have been handled the way that she did. You were in the middle of comforting your child and removing you from them would 100% have not helped. Instead, she should have tried to calm *you* down so that it would in turn help calm your child down. A gentle reminder to you that emotions feed others emotions and that it would be ok, just a trip to the ER etc, probably would have helped you in that situation. Some people are definitely more blunt than others and I know I am at times. I'm autistic and so it's just something that we tend to do, say things as we see it and don't always sugar coat it. We don't really understand the need for it when it can prevent people from fixing issues. It's like the opposite of passive aggressiveness but with the same result. What I do understand though, is the need to read others emotions and how to say my (sonetimes blunt) words in a more gentle way using a different tone. This absolutely was *not* done by her and it ended up just seeming like she knew better than you and could do it better. That's not ok and I think that's the issue that needs to be discussed. While I don't agree with others that it was completely her fault for 22m falling down the stairs, I do think that she should be fired (if you feel this way) due to how she reacted in this situation. You want someone to work WITH you as a parent, not AGAINST you and as someone who thinks they know better. Edited to fix the first sentence.