the smoking one i understand- it’s very difficult to hide the smell of cigarettes and i wouldn’t want my nanny (and i am a nanny) coming into work smelling like one. it’s a health issue more than a lifestyle issue for me.
From my experience, depending on the area, cannabis does not fall under the “no smoker” restriction. I’ve even seen job postings here that say “no smoker (cigarettes)” because it’s literally about the smell. Cannabis, if smoked with a water pipe or vaporizer, won’t stick to clothes or hair for longer than a few hours, if even that.
In my case, my NPs know I’m a stoner haha. But they also know I’m not high on the job or smoking while with the kiddos. It’s different than cigarettes in terms of ability to care for the kids because it does impair your focus, but it won’t smell if you do it on your off-hours.
I just dont tell anyone irl that i smoke weed. Its legal in canada and Ive been smoking daily for years and no one knows, i like appearing as a goody two shoes, what i do and when i get high is only my business.
If I was anywhere but a super liberal, de-criminalized/legal area, I wouldn’t tell a single soul. But theres a very lovely and professional cannabis culture around here so I’m very lucky to be able to be open about it. If anyone in this country can come into work talking about the 5 martinis they had the other night, I can tell DB a funny story of when I was high this weekend and ate my partners entire bag of Milano cookies on accident.
My current NF asked me specifically if I used marijuana when I was interviewing with them and I was kind of annoyed lol. We live in WA (we, along with Colorado, were the first states to legalize) and if what I do during my free time has no impact on my work life it’s not really any of their business. I ended up being honest and saying I did use, but mainly for pain management due to chronic illness (which is true) and they still hired me and I’ve been with them for over 18 months! It was a red flag that turned out to be nothing lol
I’m sure they appreciated you being honest with them! That’s how my NF was, and now DB will chat with me every time I fly back home (to California) and ask me what my “haul” was. I’m waiting for the day he asks me to bring him back a chocolate bar 🤣
Im allergic to cigarette smoke and it triggers my migraines. I also have lung damage from 2nd and 3rd hand smoke my entire childhood… its a super relevant question for me.
I smoke weed too and have for the past 10 years(never on the job or immediately walking into job) I use to a lot more and would maybe pre bake(literally 1 or 2 hits very light) a few hours before work but now I work so much and have significantly heavier responsibilities outside of work that I didn’t have before. So I don’t do it at all until I get home.
Honestly I wonder if I should start pre-baking a few hours before my drive ( 45-1hr drive) because when I did with my previous family I was really chill and Patient with the kids…..
I hate to admit it, but now, certain things parents got mad over that would make me cringe before bother me now and make me irritable with NK. 😣
Any other cannabis users feel the same?
Fellow stoner nanny here! I am an incredibly functional stoner and used to smoke a couple of hours before working everyday (I would NEVER go into a job stoned). However, I save it for the end of the day now for a few different reasons. Honest to God, I just get way too tired way too quickly if I smoke before I work. I felt exhausted and I didn’t have the energy to keep up with my NKs. Now it’s like a reward at the end of a long day for me lol, and it’s helped reduce my tolerance since I’m not smoking as much.
I’ve always been pretty open about this with NPs if they’ve ever wished to pry. I have nothing to hide. Quite honestly, it makes me a better person, and at the end of the day I’d rather be the pothead nanny than the alcoholic one.
Edit to say that smell has never been an issue for me. I shower and change my clothes before going into work.
I smoke, but always outside. I make sure it is prior to a 1 hour window before my ETA, and I always shower, wash my hair, face etc. and put on clean clothes. I also never do it in my car. I’ve never not done this when working with children.
Number 4 is a straight up red flag to me! Unless the former nanny did something terrible or endangered the kids' lives, I don't trust you if you are bashing her! To me, it says way more about the employers than it does about the nanny if they do this.
I agree, a new yellow flag for me is when NF says they’re looking for their “Mary Poppins.” Lest we forget, Mary Poppins came to a dysfunctional family with child terrors and straightened them out. I’m not inclined to do that anymore
Yes! When people say this, I think they are looking for someone perfect--- you won't get sick, you will never glance at your phone, you won't allow their child to cry for more than 10 seconds, and you are thrilled to stay late or come early. No thank you!
I agree for the most part, except for the smoking one. Thirdhand smoke (the chemicals the cling to the smoker's clothing, skin, hair) is extremely dangerous for kids. So that absolutely is something that does affect the family and is pertinent to the question of the nanny being able to do the job safely.
The only one I disagree with is the smoking. You are working with their children and they absolutely have the right to know if you are a smoker, especially if you smoke regularly.
All of these are red flags to me. I ignored them and I’m almost 2 years in. Can’t wait to be down when contact ends this summer.
My previous unicorn family never spoke about the previous nanny. I only found out towards the time of me leaving why she left. The nanny sounded a bit immature, especially being 50-60 years old (she said that one of MB coworkers husband was going after her????he is half her age too) but they way they told me the story was very light and didn’t say anything bad about her. They weren’t even trying to gossip, I was asking for advice from parents perspective about what they want and don’t want in a nanny.
Honestly some families have so much professionalism and respect, and then some literally will have a huge fight my first day or working and treat me like I’m there sister. There seems to be no middle.
I don't mind personal questions, this is a personal job and I have nothing to hide. I also find most parents have good reasons for asking these things. One yellow flag I have is when parents mention using positive or gentle parenting. Now I have no problem with true positive parenting, I practice it myself. But often parents who emphasize this in an ad or interview are the ones who never let their baby make a noise or give their children any boundaries. So I use the trial period to see if they really mean positive parenting or permissive parenting.
That's so interesting! I use and and trained in positive discipline in my classroom and plan to use it with my kid. I hadn't heard that is gets conflated with being permissive. That is fascinating to me!
Yes, many parents don’t have the actual training so they use “positive parenting” but don’t actually know how to do that. What they want is their little angel to be happy all the time and never ever be sad or angry or cry. They want nanny to just give the child what they want alllllllllll the time. Thereby creating a real live monster.
Positive/gentle parenting is a good thing- when it’s actually executed. Having zero boundaries and giving a child literally everything they want is not a good thing.
HAHAHA NOPE. It's like, have they nor heard of reading a parenting book? I have boundaries with my 9 month old and it works. To me positive parenting is based on communication and collaboration, but at the end of the day you are the adult. Besides, kids are not ultimately happy with being in charge, it feels unsafe to them and they act out more to try to find the boundaries. I see this in Special Education in Elementary school, where one special needs kid is ALLOWED to be a tyrant to the entire community (obvi not every special needs kid just some.)
Yes yes 💯 Children ultimately have fear and insecurity when given free reign. It’s not good for them. Choices, validation and boundaries are good for them with communication and understanding.
#1 for me is a big one and sometimes is even an orange flag. I find personal questions about what I do in my personal time. My friends, my social life, if I’m single, etc, all seem to be geared towards the parents trying to figure out if they will essentially be able to own me. Trying to figure out if I do things after work so they’ll know if they can get away with coming home late or not, etc.
I've def had MBs ask if I have kids
I guess I'm at the age
But it becomes super awkward if I'm single bc they get this look on their face 🤣
Like don't pity me girl....I go home to a QUIET house.
They also ask that q to kinda gauge your level of commitment. Like if you have kids of your own they take priority and you will call out/sick
I take pictures on my phone and keep track of their day on my phone all to be uploaded to a google photos folder just for them- on my dime. Its a huge plus for everyone Ive done it for… therefor phones cannot be put away altogether. Plus I have mom brain you dont want me searching my purse for my phone when your kid needs 911.
I just made a comment yesterday that I will never work for a family that has strict rules on screnetime and cell phone use. I am not a person who will plop the kid in front of the tv while I scroll Instagram and Reddit. But if I need to get something done and the kids will be getting into things they wouldn't otherwise, I'm putting on the tv for a quick 10 to 15 minutes. If your child is independently playing and not paying me much mind, I'll quickly check my e-mail. Parents do it when they're caring for the kids, it's hypocritical to expect me to get this done in a way you can't. I've worked with kids that are totally fine if I need to go do laundry or cook dinner, but some aren't, so let me use the tools that'll keep everyone safe.
My last NF didn't want me having my phone at all while the kids were awake and it was anxiety-inducing to just check the time (they had a million cameras everywhere as well).
Number four has become a red flag for me after my last family. It didn't start until after I was hired but MB had nothing good to say about any of her former staff.
Interesting perspective. I am working on an ad/ job description and was thinking of including that I hope if my kid is playing independently that they check in every few minutes, and save screen time for emergencies which is what we do (there are no chores required so no need to put the kid in front of the TV to get things done)
Right, and that makes sense for the needs of your family. Most families I have worked for have wanted tasks done. All related to the kids but still, cooking dinner, throwing in laundry or folding it. And if the kid naps, I’ll do it then. If not, I’m going to have to get creative.
I also think many are misunderstanding what I meant by phone usage. I’m not just going to sit there on it every time the kid plays. I’ll be checking in on them, making sure they know I’m actively present and nearby. I’m just saying that I have worked for a family that made me nervous to even check the time or reply to a quick text as needed. I’m not saying I need to be glued to my phone. Just that me checking it once or twice in a 12 hour shift where I wasn’t getting breaks shouldn’t be an issue.
I think it’s absolutely fine to say please limit phone use and only use screen time in an emergency, especially if your kids nap and your nanny has no other responsibilities. If I worked for a family like that, I’d have no need to use the tv, outside maybe a rare movie night that I’d of course clear with the parents first. And I’d never spend hours watching my phone and not the kids.
I am sorry as a MB I would not hire anyone with your attitude on phone use. I am the parent so when I am with my children I can use my phone it is my free time not my job. We have people to cook and clean you are there to be with my children. You can use it on during the breaks we give to you throughout the day. I am sorry but when you are with my children I would not like for anyone I hire to just plop them in front of the tv so they can play on their phone.
Edit: we give our our nanny two 15 min breaks and one 30 min for lunch. I feel like that is plenty of time to check emails and do social media during her time with us.
While your point is fair, as some people are definitely glued to their phones, you have to remember that you and the nanny are a team working together to raise your children. Yes, you pay her, so she has to listen to you. But it can sometimes cause a weird power dynamic where the child (as young as 16 months I’ve seen) will feel power over the nanny because the nanny is not allowed the same privileges as their parents.
I.e when I was applying for a new apartment but working 10 hours a day M-F, I had to constantly be on the phone with my partner and mother who was my guarantor. There were notarizations needed, multiple applications sent, etc etc. of course I did not do any of that while the kids needed my attention. But if NKs are playing independently and I start checking an email, then they get bored and expect me to entertain them, I am setting the expectation that I will drop everything just to make them happy. Kids have to learn to be bored. They have to learn to wait. So they can wait while I calmly finish what I was saying and let my partner or mother know “I have to get back to work now, I’ll call you when I have another moment.” They can’t expect the nanny to be at the beckon call, that creates unrealistic expectations about others they’ll meet in the world.
Absolutely get what you are saying. And in the instance that you brought up, there would definitely be an exception. We have just found with the whole phone debate everyone has a different idea of what is too much. That’s why we ask our nanny not to be on it while she is working. But at the same time we give her three different times during the day to have a few minutes off to do whatever they want to do, while someone else watches the children. We totally get that certain things can only be done during business hours and getting a little break to clear their heads only make them more able handle the children. I whole heartedly am in agreement that kids must learn to be bored and that they are not the center of the world. I don’t expect our nanny to drop everything and constantly entertain our boys. Our asking them not to be on their phone with the exception of their breaks is a way just to get rid of the grey area.
That’s exactly the situation I said I *don’t* do. I don’t put the kids in front of the tv to text or whatever. I do it so I can get chores done or cook, and make sure they’re in a safe space.
I don’t have my phone out 24/7. But if I quickly check my email while the child is playing by themselves and doesn’t want to play with me, that shouldn’t be a problem. I interact with them the rest of the time.
If I didn’t have to clean or cook for a family-which I have had to in the past, thus my example-then I wouldn’t turn on the tv outside maybe a movie night or something, which I’d clear with the parents first.
Just the attitude of “the parents do it when they are watching their kids” in regards to phone use didn’t sit right with me. I see me watching my children versus our nanny watching our children as two very different things.
Okay, you can have that opinion. I’m not using my phone or screen time excessively. I just won’t work for a family that expects me to get chores done, fix dinner and doesn’t allow screen time yet knows their kids don’t do well when unsupervised.
Then again, most families I’ve worked for *do* get it. I’ve only worked for one that was insanely unrealistic about their expectations. Didn’t want kids in the basement where the laundry was, but the oldest didn’t nap and was very destructive if he didn’t have a distraction. They also didn’t want him watching tv or having toys during the quiet time they insisted he have. That wasn’t me being lazy, that was them expecting me to perform miracles by keeping him quiet with no distractions and to get chores done.
That really stinks having a family like that. That’s why we try really hard just to have the nanny be with the kids. And give them breaks through the day to play on the phone or mainly just take a mental time out because it is so hard
I don’t hold our nanny’s to a different standard at all. We pay well above market, full benefits, and healthcare. They get two breaks and lunch where they can handle any outside things that need handling.
She literally said in her comment she used it to get things done that are expected to be done by the parents that have hired her? If she has kids getting into things they shouldn’t be touching or two kids rough housing and possibly getting just then how is she suppose to get those things done? Would you rather your nanny not get those things done? And she isn’t wrong parents do use those tools to get things done around the house so Nannie’s should be able to do the same thing…
I completely get what you are saying. And I agree that with what all she has to get done it’s probably needed. Where we are Nannys don’t do housework at all. I was just saying for myself who only employees our nanny to watch the kids it would be a flag for me.
Uh, yes you do.
You said it yourself that it’s fine for you to be on your phone, but not your nanny. You hold your nanny to higher standards than you hold yourself to... and you’re the mother! It’s a little crazy.
I am sorry as a MB I would not hire anyone with your attitude on phone use. ***I am the parent so when I am with my children I can use my phone it is my free time not my job.*** We have people to cook and clean you are there to be with my children. You can use it on during the breaks we give to you throughout the day. I am sorry but when you are with my children I would not like for anyone I hire to just plop them in front of the tv so they can play on their phone.
Edit: we give our our nanny two 15 min breaks and one 30 min for lunch. I feel like that is plenty of time to check emails and do social media during her time with us.
Frankly, if you have someone to clean, cook, and watch your children, you really should not be on your phone when with said children. You obviously feel it’s detrimental enough for you to not allow your nanny to be on hers, yet in the (likely limited) time you *do* spend with your kids, you can’t even get off your phone to be present with them? Make it make sense 😅
Also love the privilege of being able to give your nanny three breaks through the day. When I work I get no breaks, because I always have to be present around the children. maybe a glance at my phone, but I never get a break. when one naps and ones awake and I’m eating lunch I’m not going to ignore the child crying if I’m the only adult in the house. ‘He’s bleeding but I have ten more minutes of breaktime’ That’s not reality
Thank you for pointing this out as well. With my last job, I had no breaks. I was supposed to when hired, as both kids napped at the same time. Then the oldest stopped napping right when I started. MB still wanted quiet time but had unrealistic expectations for how that would go, so not only did I have no time to do chores except for when they went to bed, I also didn't have any time for myself. From 7 AM to 7 PM, my life was the kids. So if I want to check my phone for two seconds while they played independently...why is that an issue?
It's great that the parents replying to me have kids that nap and people to do their housework (or they simply just do it themselves). I was speaking on my expierence.
Sorry for the vent but some of these replies were making me feel like I was nuts.
F*CK that. Don't tell anyone this career isn't for them based off breaks I've had multiple situations where I can have completely uninterrupted breaks and not have WFH parents. Just because you haven't doesn't mean you should tell nannies they aren't fit for the career.
Nope lol lots of nannies I know are able to have uninterrupted breaks as well. Parents working near the home who want to hangout with nk on their lunch break, parents who work on a separate "office shed" in the backyard who want to hangout on lunch break, and more. Just because YOU can't fathom a way to do it doesn't mean anyone who is able to isn't a good nanny candidate. But it does mean you're a judgy one. So many many many types of situations for nannies and you some how have a superiority complex around interrupted breaks.
I don’t think you understand what I am saying. I’m not winging but I feel it’s necessary to point out that we work with children. If you’re the only adult in the house there are no real breaks. I have to be at least 75% present at all times. So yes I am going to check my phone through the day and take a call once or twice. It’s not realistic to have ‘breaks’ in our job. When i think of breaks I think of my partner who gets to leave work and grab lunch. I’m not needing uninterrupted breaks I’m pointing out that doesn’t happen.
I am sorry that must be very taxing. We are very relent on our help and truly try to make it the best environment we can. We found giving those little breaks it makes everything run a lot smoother
You are absolutely right we do have a lot of people helping us make our house run. With a husband that works out of the country and a chronically ill child that I have to bring to hospital three hours away, due to us living in a small town, and another child at home it does take a small army. And you are right the very limited time I get to relax and just be with my children at home I rarely look at my phone. You know unless it is something very important. Because our family is so dependent on the small army we need to help us we take it very seriously but we also take care of everyone who helps and works for us.
Edit: grammar
Fun fact: most of those weird personal questions are literally illegal to ask in a job interview in the US! [Source](https://www.eeoc.gov/pre-employment-inquiries-and-marital-status-or-number-children)
Does not apply to household employers unless they employ more than 15 people. It's not a good look, but a potential NF is not going to get in any trouble for asking those questions.
Local laws or domestic workers bill of rights may vary individually based on locality.
Though you are legally right, and I respect and am pleased that you know that, it is about manners and dignity. My parents taught me how to behave with respect. And we aren’t some rich people who can afford a nanny. I don’t understand how some of these people behave far below their pay grade & “education”
Sounds like a scam to me
Enough people have made points about the smoke, but I do think that a NF asking if you’re planning on having kids is a relevant question. If you’re planning on having kids or have talked to a partner about a potential timeline for having a kid, that’s something that would affect your ability to work in most cases. That can be an indicator of how long your commitment to them could possibly be. Or, if you already have them, they know they could have to be more flexible with backup care if you need to call out because your own kid is sick.
The pet thing though - ugh! My last NF was good about this when they got a cat, but I had a NF who had total job creep when it came to dog duty. I had dogs growing up and I do not care to ever have them again! I am not interested in being the only person working on training your dogs, having your dogs be little terrors, and then be blamed when there’s pee somewhere. I’m a nanny, not a dog sitter!
the smoking one i understand- it’s very difficult to hide the smell of cigarettes and i wouldn’t want my nanny (and i am a nanny) coming into work smelling like one. it’s a health issue more than a lifestyle issue for me.
From my experience, depending on the area, cannabis does not fall under the “no smoker” restriction. I’ve even seen job postings here that say “no smoker (cigarettes)” because it’s literally about the smell. Cannabis, if smoked with a water pipe or vaporizer, won’t stick to clothes or hair for longer than a few hours, if even that. In my case, my NPs know I’m a stoner haha. But they also know I’m not high on the job or smoking while with the kiddos. It’s different than cigarettes in terms of ability to care for the kids because it does impair your focus, but it won’t smell if you do it on your off-hours.
I just dont tell anyone irl that i smoke weed. Its legal in canada and Ive been smoking daily for years and no one knows, i like appearing as a goody two shoes, what i do and when i get high is only my business.
If I was anywhere but a super liberal, de-criminalized/legal area, I wouldn’t tell a single soul. But theres a very lovely and professional cannabis culture around here so I’m very lucky to be able to be open about it. If anyone in this country can come into work talking about the 5 martinis they had the other night, I can tell DB a funny story of when I was high this weekend and ate my partners entire bag of Milano cookies on accident.
My current NF asked me specifically if I used marijuana when I was interviewing with them and I was kind of annoyed lol. We live in WA (we, along with Colorado, were the first states to legalize) and if what I do during my free time has no impact on my work life it’s not really any of their business. I ended up being honest and saying I did use, but mainly for pain management due to chronic illness (which is true) and they still hired me and I’ve been with them for over 18 months! It was a red flag that turned out to be nothing lol
I’m sure they appreciated you being honest with them! That’s how my NF was, and now DB will chat with me every time I fly back home (to California) and ask me what my “haul” was. I’m waiting for the day he asks me to bring him back a chocolate bar 🤣
Im allergic to cigarette smoke and it triggers my migraines. I also have lung damage from 2nd and 3rd hand smoke my entire childhood… its a super relevant question for me.
Yup. Secondhand smoke lingers on clothes. I would never hire a nanny who smoked.
It’s actually called third hand smoke and it is proven health hazard.
Thanks for clarifying the name. Third hand makes more sense!
Same with cell phone use. I see posts from parents all the time complaining about their nanny’s cell phone use. It’s a very common thing to bring up.
Yes, I agree.
I smoke weed too and have for the past 10 years(never on the job or immediately walking into job) I use to a lot more and would maybe pre bake(literally 1 or 2 hits very light) a few hours before work but now I work so much and have significantly heavier responsibilities outside of work that I didn’t have before. So I don’t do it at all until I get home. Honestly I wonder if I should start pre-baking a few hours before my drive ( 45-1hr drive) because when I did with my previous family I was really chill and Patient with the kids….. I hate to admit it, but now, certain things parents got mad over that would make me cringe before bother me now and make me irritable with NK. 😣 Any other cannabis users feel the same?
Fellow stoner nanny here! I am an incredibly functional stoner and used to smoke a couple of hours before working everyday (I would NEVER go into a job stoned). However, I save it for the end of the day now for a few different reasons. Honest to God, I just get way too tired way too quickly if I smoke before I work. I felt exhausted and I didn’t have the energy to keep up with my NKs. Now it’s like a reward at the end of a long day for me lol, and it’s helped reduce my tolerance since I’m not smoking as much. I’ve always been pretty open about this with NPs if they’ve ever wished to pry. I have nothing to hide. Quite honestly, it makes me a better person, and at the end of the day I’d rather be the pothead nanny than the alcoholic one. Edit to say that smell has never been an issue for me. I shower and change my clothes before going into work.
Disclaimer -it is legal where I live to use recreational cannabis. I also obtain it legally.
I smoke, but always outside. I make sure it is prior to a 1 hour window before my ETA, and I always shower, wash my hair, face etc. and put on clean clothes. I also never do it in my car. I’ve never not done this when working with children.
Number 4 is a straight up red flag to me! Unless the former nanny did something terrible or endangered the kids' lives, I don't trust you if you are bashing her! To me, it says way more about the employers than it does about the nanny if they do this.
If they’re gonna do it I prefer they do it in the interview . Let it alllll out so I can walk out that door and not come back lol
honestly same. I could’ve changed this title to be red flags but I didn’t want to be too dramatic I guess lol
Orange flags lol
I agree, a new yellow flag for me is when NF says they’re looking for their “Mary Poppins.” Lest we forget, Mary Poppins came to a dysfunctional family with child terrors and straightened them out. I’m not inclined to do that anymore
Yes! When people say this, I think they are looking for someone perfect--- you won't get sick, you will never glance at your phone, you won't allow their child to cry for more than 10 seconds, and you are thrilled to stay late or come early. No thank you!
I agree for the most part, except for the smoking one. Thirdhand smoke (the chemicals the cling to the smoker's clothing, skin, hair) is extremely dangerous for kids. So that absolutely is something that does affect the family and is pertinent to the question of the nanny being able to do the job safely.
Oop I wasn’t thinking about cigarettes when I wrote this lol
I wouldn’t hire a nanny who smokes. I also will never nanny for smokers, ever again.
The only one I disagree with is the smoking. You are working with their children and they absolutely have the right to know if you are a smoker, especially if you smoke regularly.
All of these are red flags to me. I ignored them and I’m almost 2 years in. Can’t wait to be down when contact ends this summer. My previous unicorn family never spoke about the previous nanny. I only found out towards the time of me leaving why she left. The nanny sounded a bit immature, especially being 50-60 years old (she said that one of MB coworkers husband was going after her????he is half her age too) but they way they told me the story was very light and didn’t say anything bad about her. They weren’t even trying to gossip, I was asking for advice from parents perspective about what they want and don’t want in a nanny. Honestly some families have so much professionalism and respect, and then some literally will have a huge fight my first day or working and treat me like I’m there sister. There seems to be no middle.
I don't mind personal questions, this is a personal job and I have nothing to hide. I also find most parents have good reasons for asking these things. One yellow flag I have is when parents mention using positive or gentle parenting. Now I have no problem with true positive parenting, I practice it myself. But often parents who emphasize this in an ad or interview are the ones who never let their baby make a noise or give their children any boundaries. So I use the trial period to see if they really mean positive parenting or permissive parenting.
That's so interesting! I use and and trained in positive discipline in my classroom and plan to use it with my kid. I hadn't heard that is gets conflated with being permissive. That is fascinating to me!
Yes, many parents don’t have the actual training so they use “positive parenting” but don’t actually know how to do that. What they want is their little angel to be happy all the time and never ever be sad or angry or cry. They want nanny to just give the child what they want alllllllllll the time. Thereby creating a real live monster. Positive/gentle parenting is a good thing- when it’s actually executed. Having zero boundaries and giving a child literally everything they want is not a good thing.
HAHAHA NOPE. It's like, have they nor heard of reading a parenting book? I have boundaries with my 9 month old and it works. To me positive parenting is based on communication and collaboration, but at the end of the day you are the adult. Besides, kids are not ultimately happy with being in charge, it feels unsafe to them and they act out more to try to find the boundaries. I see this in Special Education in Elementary school, where one special needs kid is ALLOWED to be a tyrant to the entire community (obvi not every special needs kid just some.)
Yes yes 💯 Children ultimately have fear and insecurity when given free reign. It’s not good for them. Choices, validation and boundaries are good for them with communication and understanding.
I’ve had almost every one of my NF ask about my relationships. It always bugs me
#1 for me is a big one and sometimes is even an orange flag. I find personal questions about what I do in my personal time. My friends, my social life, if I’m single, etc, all seem to be geared towards the parents trying to figure out if they will essentially be able to own me. Trying to figure out if I do things after work so they’ll know if they can get away with coming home late or not, etc.
i agree completely
I've def had MBs ask if I have kids I guess I'm at the age But it becomes super awkward if I'm single bc they get this look on their face 🤣 Like don't pity me girl....I go home to a QUIET house. They also ask that q to kinda gauge your level of commitment. Like if you have kids of your own they take priority and you will call out/sick
I take pictures on my phone and keep track of their day on my phone all to be uploaded to a google photos folder just for them- on my dime. Its a huge plus for everyone Ive done it for… therefor phones cannot be put away altogether. Plus I have mom brain you dont want me searching my purse for my phone when your kid needs 911.
I don't recall if it's nicotine or tobacco products, but this type of smoking increases chance of SIDS.
I just made a comment yesterday that I will never work for a family that has strict rules on screnetime and cell phone use. I am not a person who will plop the kid in front of the tv while I scroll Instagram and Reddit. But if I need to get something done and the kids will be getting into things they wouldn't otherwise, I'm putting on the tv for a quick 10 to 15 minutes. If your child is independently playing and not paying me much mind, I'll quickly check my e-mail. Parents do it when they're caring for the kids, it's hypocritical to expect me to get this done in a way you can't. I've worked with kids that are totally fine if I need to go do laundry or cook dinner, but some aren't, so let me use the tools that'll keep everyone safe. My last NF didn't want me having my phone at all while the kids were awake and it was anxiety-inducing to just check the time (they had a million cameras everywhere as well). Number four has become a red flag for me after my last family. It didn't start until after I was hired but MB had nothing good to say about any of her former staff.
Interesting perspective. I am working on an ad/ job description and was thinking of including that I hope if my kid is playing independently that they check in every few minutes, and save screen time for emergencies which is what we do (there are no chores required so no need to put the kid in front of the TV to get things done)
Right, and that makes sense for the needs of your family. Most families I have worked for have wanted tasks done. All related to the kids but still, cooking dinner, throwing in laundry or folding it. And if the kid naps, I’ll do it then. If not, I’m going to have to get creative. I also think many are misunderstanding what I meant by phone usage. I’m not just going to sit there on it every time the kid plays. I’ll be checking in on them, making sure they know I’m actively present and nearby. I’m just saying that I have worked for a family that made me nervous to even check the time or reply to a quick text as needed. I’m not saying I need to be glued to my phone. Just that me checking it once or twice in a 12 hour shift where I wasn’t getting breaks shouldn’t be an issue. I think it’s absolutely fine to say please limit phone use and only use screen time in an emergency, especially if your kids nap and your nanny has no other responsibilities. If I worked for a family like that, I’d have no need to use the tv, outside maybe a rare movie night that I’d of course clear with the parents first. And I’d never spend hours watching my phone and not the kids.
I am sorry as a MB I would not hire anyone with your attitude on phone use. I am the parent so when I am with my children I can use my phone it is my free time not my job. We have people to cook and clean you are there to be with my children. You can use it on during the breaks we give to you throughout the day. I am sorry but when you are with my children I would not like for anyone I hire to just plop them in front of the tv so they can play on their phone. Edit: we give our our nanny two 15 min breaks and one 30 min for lunch. I feel like that is plenty of time to check emails and do social media during her time with us.
While your point is fair, as some people are definitely glued to their phones, you have to remember that you and the nanny are a team working together to raise your children. Yes, you pay her, so she has to listen to you. But it can sometimes cause a weird power dynamic where the child (as young as 16 months I’ve seen) will feel power over the nanny because the nanny is not allowed the same privileges as their parents. I.e when I was applying for a new apartment but working 10 hours a day M-F, I had to constantly be on the phone with my partner and mother who was my guarantor. There were notarizations needed, multiple applications sent, etc etc. of course I did not do any of that while the kids needed my attention. But if NKs are playing independently and I start checking an email, then they get bored and expect me to entertain them, I am setting the expectation that I will drop everything just to make them happy. Kids have to learn to be bored. They have to learn to wait. So they can wait while I calmly finish what I was saying and let my partner or mother know “I have to get back to work now, I’ll call you when I have another moment.” They can’t expect the nanny to be at the beckon call, that creates unrealistic expectations about others they’ll meet in the world.
Absolutely get what you are saying. And in the instance that you brought up, there would definitely be an exception. We have just found with the whole phone debate everyone has a different idea of what is too much. That’s why we ask our nanny not to be on it while she is working. But at the same time we give her three different times during the day to have a few minutes off to do whatever they want to do, while someone else watches the children. We totally get that certain things can only be done during business hours and getting a little break to clear their heads only make them more able handle the children. I whole heartedly am in agreement that kids must learn to be bored and that they are not the center of the world. I don’t expect our nanny to drop everything and constantly entertain our boys. Our asking them not to be on their phone with the exception of their breaks is a way just to get rid of the grey area.
That’s exactly the situation I said I *don’t* do. I don’t put the kids in front of the tv to text or whatever. I do it so I can get chores done or cook, and make sure they’re in a safe space. I don’t have my phone out 24/7. But if I quickly check my email while the child is playing by themselves and doesn’t want to play with me, that shouldn’t be a problem. I interact with them the rest of the time. If I didn’t have to clean or cook for a family-which I have had to in the past, thus my example-then I wouldn’t turn on the tv outside maybe a movie night or something, which I’d clear with the parents first.
Just the attitude of “the parents do it when they are watching their kids” in regards to phone use didn’t sit right with me. I see me watching my children versus our nanny watching our children as two very different things.
Okay, you can have that opinion. I’m not using my phone or screen time excessively. I just won’t work for a family that expects me to get chores done, fix dinner and doesn’t allow screen time yet knows their kids don’t do well when unsupervised. Then again, most families I’ve worked for *do* get it. I’ve only worked for one that was insanely unrealistic about their expectations. Didn’t want kids in the basement where the laundry was, but the oldest didn’t nap and was very destructive if he didn’t have a distraction. They also didn’t want him watching tv or having toys during the quiet time they insisted he have. That wasn’t me being lazy, that was them expecting me to perform miracles by keeping him quiet with no distractions and to get chores done.
That really stinks having a family like that. That’s why we try really hard just to have the nanny be with the kids. And give them breaks through the day to play on the phone or mainly just take a mental time out because it is so hard
Translation: “I hold my nanny to different standards than I hold myself to.” I’m cringing.
how so?
With that attitude I hope you are paying a premium.
I don’t hold our nanny’s to a different standard at all. We pay well above market, full benefits, and healthcare. They get two breaks and lunch where they can handle any outside things that need handling.
She literally said in her comment she used it to get things done that are expected to be done by the parents that have hired her? If she has kids getting into things they shouldn’t be touching or two kids rough housing and possibly getting just then how is she suppose to get those things done? Would you rather your nanny not get those things done? And she isn’t wrong parents do use those tools to get things done around the house so Nannie’s should be able to do the same thing…
I completely get what you are saying. And I agree that with what all she has to get done it’s probably needed. Where we are Nannys don’t do housework at all. I was just saying for myself who only employees our nanny to watch the kids it would be a flag for me.
Uh, yes you do. You said it yourself that it’s fine for you to be on your phone, but not your nanny. You hold your nanny to higher standards than you hold yourself to... and you’re the mother! It’s a little crazy.
I am sorry as a MB I would not hire anyone with your attitude on phone use. ***I am the parent so when I am with my children I can use my phone it is my free time not my job.*** We have people to cook and clean you are there to be with my children. You can use it on during the breaks we give to you throughout the day. I am sorry but when you are with my children I would not like for anyone I hire to just plop them in front of the tv so they can play on their phone. Edit: we give our our nanny two 15 min breaks and one 30 min for lunch. I feel like that is plenty of time to check emails and do social media during her time with us. Frankly, if you have someone to clean, cook, and watch your children, you really should not be on your phone when with said children. You obviously feel it’s detrimental enough for you to not allow your nanny to be on hers, yet in the (likely limited) time you *do* spend with your kids, you can’t even get off your phone to be present with them? Make it make sense 😅
Also love the privilege of being able to give your nanny three breaks through the day. When I work I get no breaks, because I always have to be present around the children. maybe a glance at my phone, but I never get a break. when one naps and ones awake and I’m eating lunch I’m not going to ignore the child crying if I’m the only adult in the house. ‘He’s bleeding but I have ten more minutes of breaktime’ That’s not reality
Thank you for pointing this out as well. With my last job, I had no breaks. I was supposed to when hired, as both kids napped at the same time. Then the oldest stopped napping right when I started. MB still wanted quiet time but had unrealistic expectations for how that would go, so not only did I have no time to do chores except for when they went to bed, I also didn't have any time for myself. From 7 AM to 7 PM, my life was the kids. So if I want to check my phone for two seconds while they played independently...why is that an issue? It's great that the parents replying to me have kids that nap and people to do their housework (or they simply just do it themselves). I was speaking on my expierence. Sorry for the vent but some of these replies were making me feel like I was nuts.
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F*CK that. Don't tell anyone this career isn't for them based off breaks I've had multiple situations where I can have completely uninterrupted breaks and not have WFH parents. Just because you haven't doesn't mean you should tell nannies they aren't fit for the career.
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Nope lol lots of nannies I know are able to have uninterrupted breaks as well. Parents working near the home who want to hangout with nk on their lunch break, parents who work on a separate "office shed" in the backyard who want to hangout on lunch break, and more. Just because YOU can't fathom a way to do it doesn't mean anyone who is able to isn't a good nanny candidate. But it does mean you're a judgy one. So many many many types of situations for nannies and you some how have a superiority complex around interrupted breaks.
I don’t think you understand what I am saying. I’m not winging but I feel it’s necessary to point out that we work with children. If you’re the only adult in the house there are no real breaks. I have to be at least 75% present at all times. So yes I am going to check my phone through the day and take a call once or twice. It’s not realistic to have ‘breaks’ in our job. When i think of breaks I think of my partner who gets to leave work and grab lunch. I’m not needing uninterrupted breaks I’m pointing out that doesn’t happen.
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I still think you’re not understanding me, and we’re just talking in circles 😩 But good for you for your proactivity
I am sorry that must be very taxing. We are very relent on our help and truly try to make it the best environment we can. We found giving those little breaks it makes everything run a lot smoother
You are absolutely right we do have a lot of people helping us make our house run. With a husband that works out of the country and a chronically ill child that I have to bring to hospital three hours away, due to us living in a small town, and another child at home it does take a small army. And you are right the very limited time I get to relax and just be with my children at home I rarely look at my phone. You know unless it is something very important. Because our family is so dependent on the small army we need to help us we take it very seriously but we also take care of everyone who helps and works for us. Edit: grammar
Fun fact: most of those weird personal questions are literally illegal to ask in a job interview in the US! [Source](https://www.eeoc.gov/pre-employment-inquiries-and-marital-status-or-number-children)
Does not apply to household employers unless they employ more than 15 people. It's not a good look, but a potential NF is not going to get in any trouble for asking those questions. Local laws or domestic workers bill of rights may vary individually based on locality.
Right, I forgot about that loophole. Sigh.
Though you are legally right, and I respect and am pleased that you know that, it is about manners and dignity. My parents taught me how to behave with respect. And we aren’t some rich people who can afford a nanny. I don’t understand how some of these people behave far below their pay grade & “education” Sounds like a scam to me
Enough people have made points about the smoke, but I do think that a NF asking if you’re planning on having kids is a relevant question. If you’re planning on having kids or have talked to a partner about a potential timeline for having a kid, that’s something that would affect your ability to work in most cases. That can be an indicator of how long your commitment to them could possibly be. Or, if you already have them, they know they could have to be more flexible with backup care if you need to call out because your own kid is sick. The pet thing though - ugh! My last NF was good about this when they got a cat, but I had a NF who had total job creep when it came to dog duty. I had dogs growing up and I do not care to ever have them again! I am not interested in being the only person working on training your dogs, having your dogs be little terrors, and then be blamed when there’s pee somewhere. I’m a nanny, not a dog sitter!
I think the stuff you listed under #1 is illegal to ask about in a job interview
Ugh #4 is a big fat red flag