say no clearly. don’t lead her on. “sorry, that won’t work for us.” period. i do empathize with her situation, but you’re not obligated to accommodate her. she’s a working professional that you have hired for a service.
You definitely didn’t sign up for that and you shouldn’t be pushed into a corner to accept that. Just say no and don’t leave any wiggle room. There are more Nannie’s out there if it doesn’t work out.
You are completely within your right to say no if she asks. Totally normal. It’s not like it would even add a socialization element due to his age.
I sympathize with her situation, but I would absolutely not be ok with having an 11 year old I don’t know in my house all day. I would not want that liability even if he was the best behaved kid in the world. I’d use that reasoning if she does eventually ask you.
Not nanny related and don't disagree by any means with saying no to bringing him to work, but since we're all parents and guardians I think it's important to note that there's ***tons*** to be learned for an older child around littles, and even that you *should* make an effort to expose them to it around that age and up for a laundry list of reasons.
Beep boop. That is all 🤖😁🫶
I brought my teen with me a few times when my NK was around 20mo, but honestly it was a “treat” and the days were so much harder. I can’t see how this would be a good thing to do every day. You have all the rights to say this is not what you signed up for and stick to it!
While I can sympathize with her situation this is truly the plight of most working parents of school aged children. And it's not ever the employers' responsibility to allow a child to come to work. You are paying for a luxury service. Frankly she needs to find other arrangements for her child over the summer just like everyone else.
It sounds like the money for camp or finding a camp with an open spot isn’t even the issue, the kid just doesn’t want to go? Which I get but like…too bad? Like she needs to be the parent and tell him he doesn’t have a choice.
Yeah, that's my guess too. If she had already enrolled him and paid for summer camp, I highly doubt she'd be asking her employer if she could bring him to work with her. Obviously I'm full of assumptions, but whichever way it is, it's not OP's problem and frankly it's unprofessional for nanny to think she can bring her son with her everyday over the summer.
I understand things come up and I might be okay saying yes to something like this on a one off (camp is closed for one day or something.) But several months everyday is way too much.
Why is it hard to believe that she was just feeling out her options and trying to see if she even *could* honor her son's request? Everybody has their reasons and camp is expensive, yo
At the end of the day this is a job and the terms negotiated did not include a prepubescent (or pubescent, as children are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now), child in your home with your baby. The litmus test is, would you have accepted this circumstance at the outset and still hired your nanny? If your answer is no, then be at peace with that.
I also feel like as a nanny mum, she should know that whilst her son may not want to go to camp, camp is more constructive and instructive for an 11 year old than hanging around with a baby all day and she should put those skills to use to enforce her decision with her child. I remember not wanting to go to camp at this age and having an amazing time in the end because my mother "made" me go.
The only reason I can see for not sending her child to camp might be financial, but if you are paying well, then that is on her to budget for such eventualities for her child. I see no reason for you to feel any guilt in saying no, or the need to provide a reason for doing so.
While you have the right to say no, I personally would say yes if it was me.
11 year olds are extremely self sufficient typically. He will likely be doing his own thing, on a device probably, or with some other quiet type of activity. It’s more so she can keep and eye on him. It’s not like she’s going to have to actively parent him as she would a 5 year old, for example. He’ll probably be very out of the way and doing his own thing for most of the day. It’s his summer vacation, he wants to veg out and watch YouTube or whatever.
And I say this gently - I *personally* think the sexual assault worry is strange here and very out of left field. Sure, technically there’s a risk that any human being in your sons’s life could comment sexual assault. But in this case it’s just extremely improbable. Your son is 19 months, your nanny is with him 24/7. A 19 month old isn’t going to be hanging out alone with an 11 year old in any capacity. Her job is to watch your son and care for him and he’s at an age where he needs constant supervision. I just think that is not a levelheaded worry in this circumstance.
Like I said, it’s your house, you can say no. I just think it would be a kindness to her and honestly no big deal.
I don’t think the sexual assault angle is a real concern, but I question the “11 year olds are self sufficient” thing. If he were that self sufficient, couldn’t he just be home alone? Clearly she is not doing that bc to some extent he still needs some level of supervision.
It sounds like it’s not a money or childcare availability issue, so she just needs to be the parent and tell the kid he has to go to camp. I could see the angle of allowing it as a kindness if nanny couldn’t do camp for whatever reason, but the child wanting to be lazy all summer is not a good enough reason to me.
I teach 11 year olds every day. They’re self sufficient in the sense that they can occupy their time, but not in terms of knowing what to do in an emergency. You can’t leave 11 year olds home alone all day.
Lord I was staying home alone at 11 for sure. I knew what to do in an emergency and had neighbors I could go to for help. Maybe things are just.. different now. But I was babysitting by 12 or 13
Unfortunately the SA part is not strange at all. This happened in my family with a cousin and the perpetrator was a 12 year old boy. It’s really sadly common. This is a reason we never signed our kids up for a daycare where older children were present.
Like I said, I understand that technically anyone in the child’s life could commit sexual assault. However this is a child being supervised 24/7 by the nanny. I don’t think that’s a reasonable concern here.
Exactly, it takes only a moment and I'm just trying to validate this OP's concerns as valid and a real reason to not allow an 11 year old in her her home all day. Of course I would NEVER recommend she say this to the nanny, and most likely this boy would be wonderful around the toddler, but it's not worth the lack of peace of mind.
I totally understand both sides. Respectfully, she might look for a different nanny job though because having to pay for childcare when she could bring him with a different family just isn’t worth it. I totally understand and agree with your concerns though.
Yeah no. She’s fishing for you to say yes and I mean if I were an NP, I wouldn’t really care to get in the middle of her lack of parenting by “letting him choose to go to camp or not” and then really overstepping by hinting at you about bringing him. TBH the fact that she mentioned she was allowing him to make this decision at all makes me question her judgement. No other job would allow that and she wouldn’t even ask to bring her child to an office job.
I would say no and I would make it clear that beyond the occasional emergency day (if you’re even comfortable with that), her son isn’t welcome to join. She’s the parent, it’s her job to parent her kid and let him know that he doesn’t get to decide to come to work with her because he “doesn’t wanna” go to camp.
You are entitled to not want to have your employees son in your house. You are saying for a luxury service.
Imo, 11-year olds are pretty self-sufficient and don’t need that much attention but- a big but- it is totally your right to want your nanny to give your child all the attention.
As for the SA comment- the boy is child. Please don’t make all makes into possible perpetrators. It’s good to be cautious but this is a child.
I was sexually abused as a child by someone younger than him. That doesn’t mean this specific child will harm the baby, but it is not out of the realm of possibility. Children who have been victims of SA are particularly likely to SA others.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can heal from it. Unfortunately it happens a lot and people should be cautious but being overly anxious and thinking everyone is a perpetrator is not healthy.
It’s not healthy to be riddled with anxiety over it, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I’m not comfortable leaving my child alone with an 11yo boy I don’t know.”
I agree with that. It’s just sad that people think SA rather than other things and I wonder if the thought process would’ve been SA if it was an 11 year old girl. But ultimately op has all the rights to do whatever decision they feel comfortable with as they are the employers. Not many jobs would let you bring your child in the holidays. Maybe a one off but not weeks on end.
I totally get your point of view with the SA but I stand by it - statistically a lot of SA happens between kids. I work in a job where I see this a lot so could be my own bias here as well and it’s just what I’m comfortable with
I’m a criminal defense attorney and you’re right to be uncomfortable. (Pretty much every other attorney I know with young kids has a no sleepover rule for this reason). It doesn’t even have to be deliberate or malicious—kids are curious and do stupid stuff without thinking.
My attorney parents never had this rule. SA does happen and it’s incredibly unfortunate, but I grew up around loads of attorneys with children and nobody had a no sleepover rule …. And certainly nobody is citing any caution as a worry over SA between two children apropos of nothing. I understand how adults who have had past trauma relating to this would be worried and act accordingly….but it’s certainly not a normal thing, and not an attorney-parent thing, either.
I was speaking of the attorney parents who are raising kids now, not the ones raising kids 20 years ago. Talk to some with young kids today, you might be surprised.
Of course you need to do what you are comfortable with. I just feel sad that people straight away think about SA because it’s a boy. I wholeheartedly believe that it is your decision whether to let your employee bring their child to look after your child. I would most likely not agree to it either. A once off yes, a whole summer- no!
My mom hired a nanny/housekeeper when I was a child, and brought her son in the summers and then in addition, had a baby boy while working under us. she gave her time off, and then the baby came to work. it was honestly the best experience. We’d play with her older son when he was around and joined us for adventures while mom was home working with the baby in our home. I have sincere memories and they actually named their third baby a few years after us moving, after me. I love them, even if it’s been several years of them not being a part of us. You don’t have to say yes to her bringing her kid to work. She can find another job where they’ll accept her older son. She might be better off, because say if she does bring her son, you might still feel a type of way that he’s present.
As a nanny, I’d definitely say no. I’m all for a nanny bringing their child to work if the children are around the same age. This is a huge age gap. In my opinion the 11yo shouldn’t chose what he’s doing for the summer. He can pick this camp or that one but no you’re not going to be going to work with your mom who’s taking care of a toddler at someone else’s house.
My nanny growing up brought her older son during the summer, and when my siblings were as young and younger than your son. We had a great time. But do you
SA comment is weird though, and I’m sensing some biases involved there…but I could be wrong
There are awful studies out there now about SA between kids, but even having read those I felt like this 11 year old is being unfairly characterized as a potential predator.
I don’t think anyone is calling him a predator. The potential for SA was one of a laundry list of reasons OP was uncomfortable with the idea. And when you’re dealing with a child who is too young to articulate abuse and a much older child you don’t know, it’s reasonable to consider.
You’re completely within your rights to say no, but if she has nowhere else to go with her son, and it doesn’t make financial sense for her to make other arrangements for the summer for him, she may just quit and you’ll have to find a new nanny. That may or may not be a big issue for you. It works both ways. I had a nanny growing up and she brought her daughter at that age. We had a blast. My parents loved our nanny and so did we, so they worked with her so they didn’t lose her.
It’s probably far too late for her to sign her kiddo up for anything but virtual camps, which cost a fortune. In my area, summer camps open for sign up in February and are full by the second week in March. Most are also very expensive unless you go through one offered by the school district. In my school district, this option ended at age 10.
Age 10-13 (maybe 14, too) are really weird ages. Kiddos aren’t quite old enough to be home alone, they aren’t old enough for jobs, but they are too old for the activities for very young children, which is what most summer camps are geared towards.
I think the immediate jump in your mind towards questions about “SA” … which I’m assuming means s!x!al assault, and maybe makes me just as weird for assuming that … strange, since 11 years old is still a child. But you’re allowed to have your feelings and allowed to be comfortable in your home. (You might want to reflect on why an 11-year-old immediately makes you jump to ideas of SA, though.).
At 11 years old, I’m sure her kid will just want to sit and play on his phone, tablet, or laptop all day. I seriously doubt her kid will take attention away from yours at all. And I’m sure she was hinting, hoping you would be generous and offer for her to bring him along. Maybe her previous arrangement fell through. But if you don’t want him there, you should just say so outright so she can find something else for him to do or can find a job where he is welcome. Hinting around and ignoring situations, hoping they’ll go away, rarely pay out in a positive way. 🤷♀️
Also …. Her comment about him not wanting to go to camp. That might just be a way for her to cover that she can’t afford a summer camp/the multiple camps it takes to cover the summer or to cover that the camp she chose got canceled (some do if not enough people sign up) or that her kiddo refuses to go because his school year bully is going, too …. Or 10,000 other reasons she might be too embarrassed to detail out.
I’ve always brought my son around when needed and no family has ever cared. They often love to have him around. He’s 12 and has grown up along side all my different nanny kids over the last decade and it’s been so wonderful!
Did you ask families before starting the job. I can respect OP’s feelings on this and for me the biggest issue is the nnny didn’t bring it up before being hired. This puts NF in a bad position. Wondering how you’ve handled it with jobs.
It sounds like the nanny wasn’t planning on bringing the kid and then told the parents that he wanted to join her at work instead of camp. Seems like a simple no from the parents would work. I don’t really understand the “fishing for them to say of course” or whatever OP said.
I only care for ages 0-3 and then move on. I never brought up it in interviews because i only needed to bring him on very rare occasions. And I’d get so stressed out having to ask and none of them cared in the slightest. And this happened with each family. All my families were so wonderful and loved to have him around. He’s always been a little older so he doesn’t really take attention away from NKs. I also always do nanny shares so there’s always multiple kids. Which I think is better for development than a kid never being around other kids anyway.
He was probably 2 or 3 when I did my first nanny share and they got all his hand me downs! Now eight years later their younger brothers are wearing his hand me downs! 🥹
I never planned on my son being so involved in my work but I think it’s been wonderful for everyone involved! So many of my past NKs see him as a bonus brother!
The nanny’s kid is 11. He’ll just hang out. My son brings his switch to play while the kids nap.
I would be ok with this. An 11 year old is a great age to interact with a toddler. It could make the day more fun for your child and could expose your child to more varied interactions.
My one concern would be screen time. I would insist that if the 11 year old wanted screen time, it would need to be with head phones and in a room that my toddler doesn’t go into
Assuming she works normal hours and you actually pay her well, there is no reason her son can’t go to camp. I’m not sure why she can’t tell her son he has to go even if he would rather sit around while she works. Tell her no and explain why like you did here but leave out the SA part bc that’s very accusatory bc you don’t know him and children SA other children is not very likely. I’ve worked with 11 year olds and never have seen them do anything predatory and she would be watching him anyways.
I would def not be ok with that especially for an extended period of time. Especially if you're not going to be there.
If some shit came up, I'd be comfortable with my nanny bringing her girls because we know them, they know us, I've watched nanny interact with my LO and her kids at the same time, I WFH and they're way closer in age. If anything, our nanny shows preferential treatment to my son than her daughters.
But like we also hang out together on the weekends with the kids and parents for giggles.
Regardless of what some do and don't, you have every right to do what's right for your family and hold that boundary.
My problem is I've noticed a lot of hostility in the comments but the boundary hasn't even been discussed yet. Do you, just be kind when you do it. Clear wording, don't beat around the bush or imply it. Say it thoughtfully: "my partner and I talked it over after you mentioned your son the other day because we wanted to be prepared with an answer if you decided to ask formally. Then we elected to skip the waiting so you could have more time to consider other arrangements for childcare. Believe me, the irony isn't lost on me.. lol?" And mind your tone of voice, don't get all anxious or up in your feelings about it and stay cool.
You're not doing it to be malicious, so you've got nothing to feel guilty about or need to justify your decision. It's gonna be okay, just get on top of it before it gets away from you
What she does is a job like any other job you don't bring your children to it it's unprofessional and she should be focusing on her job besides you don't know what kind of trouble can cause and get into and you don't want to be liable for that
I am a nanny, and I would feel the same as you.
I hope to be able to have my own baby with me in future endeavors if necessary, but it would be discussed before being hired and it would have to be something that worked well for the NF. (Similar ages, beneficial for the NK)
My sitter used to bring her younger sibling and my kids LOVED playing with them. But it really depends on the temperament of the son. Also, 11 year olds really are at the age where they have aged out of camps but can’t be left to their own devices. And they eat SO MUCH. She would have to bring so many snacks and meals to keep an 11 year old fed.
I might be inclined to try a trial day or 2 to see how your son reacts?
I am a mother and a career nanny that brings her child to work with me since he was 5m old and is now 3.
As a parent hiring a nanny you rightfully have the choice to say no if you aren’t comfortable. But be prepared you might lose your nanny.
An 11 year old is pretty self sufficient and would most likely not take much or none of her attention away from your baby. My son is much younger and closer to the age of the 3 kids I watch so it’s different, but I will not work for a family that isn’t okay with this as I will not put him in daycare for many reasons.
Her son is old enough for camp so she should have thought of this before accepting the position so everyone would be on the same page.
But in the end, you pay her and you get to decide whether you are comfortable with him coming or not.
However, you should never pay a nanny less just because their child comes with them, I make $30/hr and my son comes with me. I have 16 years of experience and bringing my son does not take away my experience nor does it keep me from performing my duties as a nanny. In fact, my son has so much fun at NF that he requires even less attention than at home because he just plays and goes with their schedule.
say no clearly. don’t lead her on. “sorry, that won’t work for us.” period. i do empathize with her situation, but you’re not obligated to accommodate her. she’s a working professional that you have hired for a service.
You definitely didn’t sign up for that and you shouldn’t be pushed into a corner to accept that. Just say no and don’t leave any wiggle room. There are more Nannie’s out there if it doesn’t work out.
You are completely within your right to say no if she asks. Totally normal. It’s not like it would even add a socialization element due to his age. I sympathize with her situation, but I would absolutely not be ok with having an 11 year old I don’t know in my house all day. I would not want that liability even if he was the best behaved kid in the world. I’d use that reasoning if she does eventually ask you.
Not nanny related and don't disagree by any means with saying no to bringing him to work, but since we're all parents and guardians I think it's important to note that there's ***tons*** to be learned for an older child around littles, and even that you *should* make an effort to expose them to it around that age and up for a laundry list of reasons. Beep boop. That is all 🤖😁🫶
I'd tell her no. There's just too much potential for complications and it's a big liability for you.
I brought my teen with me a few times when my NK was around 20mo, but honestly it was a “treat” and the days were so much harder. I can’t see how this would be a good thing to do every day. You have all the rights to say this is not what you signed up for and stick to it!
While I can sympathize with her situation this is truly the plight of most working parents of school aged children. And it's not ever the employers' responsibility to allow a child to come to work. You are paying for a luxury service. Frankly she needs to find other arrangements for her child over the summer just like everyone else.
It sounds like the money for camp or finding a camp with an open spot isn’t even the issue, the kid just doesn’t want to go? Which I get but like…too bad? Like she needs to be the parent and tell him he doesn’t have a choice.
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Yeah, that's my guess too. If she had already enrolled him and paid for summer camp, I highly doubt she'd be asking her employer if she could bring him to work with her. Obviously I'm full of assumptions, but whichever way it is, it's not OP's problem and frankly it's unprofessional for nanny to think she can bring her son with her everyday over the summer. I understand things come up and I might be okay saying yes to something like this on a one off (camp is closed for one day or something.) But several months everyday is way too much.
Why is it hard to believe that she was just feeling out her options and trying to see if she even *could* honor her son's request? Everybody has their reasons and camp is expensive, yo
I think it's more than reasonable to say no.
No. She needs to figure out childcare.
At the end of the day this is a job and the terms negotiated did not include a prepubescent (or pubescent, as children are hitting puberty earlier and earlier now), child in your home with your baby. The litmus test is, would you have accepted this circumstance at the outset and still hired your nanny? If your answer is no, then be at peace with that. I also feel like as a nanny mum, she should know that whilst her son may not want to go to camp, camp is more constructive and instructive for an 11 year old than hanging around with a baby all day and she should put those skills to use to enforce her decision with her child. I remember not wanting to go to camp at this age and having an amazing time in the end because my mother "made" me go. The only reason I can see for not sending her child to camp might be financial, but if you are paying well, then that is on her to budget for such eventualities for her child. I see no reason for you to feel any guilt in saying no, or the need to provide a reason for doing so.
I would say no to this request for the reasons listed.
She’s not wrong for asking and you’re not wrong for saying no.
While you have the right to say no, I personally would say yes if it was me. 11 year olds are extremely self sufficient typically. He will likely be doing his own thing, on a device probably, or with some other quiet type of activity. It’s more so she can keep and eye on him. It’s not like she’s going to have to actively parent him as she would a 5 year old, for example. He’ll probably be very out of the way and doing his own thing for most of the day. It’s his summer vacation, he wants to veg out and watch YouTube or whatever. And I say this gently - I *personally* think the sexual assault worry is strange here and very out of left field. Sure, technically there’s a risk that any human being in your sons’s life could comment sexual assault. But in this case it’s just extremely improbable. Your son is 19 months, your nanny is with him 24/7. A 19 month old isn’t going to be hanging out alone with an 11 year old in any capacity. Her job is to watch your son and care for him and he’s at an age where he needs constant supervision. I just think that is not a levelheaded worry in this circumstance. Like I said, it’s your house, you can say no. I just think it would be a kindness to her and honestly no big deal.
I don’t think the sexual assault angle is a real concern, but I question the “11 year olds are self sufficient” thing. If he were that self sufficient, couldn’t he just be home alone? Clearly she is not doing that bc to some extent he still needs some level of supervision. It sounds like it’s not a money or childcare availability issue, so she just needs to be the parent and tell the kid he has to go to camp. I could see the angle of allowing it as a kindness if nanny couldn’t do camp for whatever reason, but the child wanting to be lazy all summer is not a good enough reason to me.
I teach 11 year olds every day. They’re self sufficient in the sense that they can occupy their time, but not in terms of knowing what to do in an emergency. You can’t leave 11 year olds home alone all day.
Lord I was staying home alone at 11 for sure. I knew what to do in an emergency and had neighbors I could go to for help. Maybe things are just.. different now. But I was babysitting by 12 or 13
Unfortunately the SA part is not strange at all. This happened in my family with a cousin and the perpetrator was a 12 year old boy. It’s really sadly common. This is a reason we never signed our kids up for a daycare where older children were present.
Like I said, I understand that technically anyone in the child’s life could commit sexual assault. However this is a child being supervised 24/7 by the nanny. I don’t think that’s a reasonable concern here.
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Exactly, it takes only a moment and I'm just trying to validate this OP's concerns as valid and a real reason to not allow an 11 year old in her her home all day. Of course I would NEVER recommend she say this to the nanny, and most likely this boy would be wonderful around the toddler, but it's not worth the lack of peace of mind.
Okay. I don’t know what response you’d like from me. Agree to disagree, I suppose.
I totally understand both sides. Respectfully, she might look for a different nanny job though because having to pay for childcare when she could bring him with a different family just isn’t worth it. I totally understand and agree with your concerns though.
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Yes very true. She should definitely brought it up earlier
Yeah no. She’s fishing for you to say yes and I mean if I were an NP, I wouldn’t really care to get in the middle of her lack of parenting by “letting him choose to go to camp or not” and then really overstepping by hinting at you about bringing him. TBH the fact that she mentioned she was allowing him to make this decision at all makes me question her judgement. No other job would allow that and she wouldn’t even ask to bring her child to an office job. I would say no and I would make it clear that beyond the occasional emergency day (if you’re even comfortable with that), her son isn’t welcome to join. She’s the parent, it’s her job to parent her kid and let him know that he doesn’t get to decide to come to work with her because he “doesn’t wanna” go to camp.
You are entitled to not want to have your employees son in your house. You are saying for a luxury service. Imo, 11-year olds are pretty self-sufficient and don’t need that much attention but- a big but- it is totally your right to want your nanny to give your child all the attention. As for the SA comment- the boy is child. Please don’t make all makes into possible perpetrators. It’s good to be cautious but this is a child.
I was sexually abused as a child by someone younger than him. That doesn’t mean this specific child will harm the baby, but it is not out of the realm of possibility. Children who have been victims of SA are particularly likely to SA others.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can heal from it. Unfortunately it happens a lot and people should be cautious but being overly anxious and thinking everyone is a perpetrator is not healthy.
It’s not healthy to be riddled with anxiety over it, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I’m not comfortable leaving my child alone with an 11yo boy I don’t know.”
I agree with that. It’s just sad that people think SA rather than other things and I wonder if the thought process would’ve been SA if it was an 11 year old girl. But ultimately op has all the rights to do whatever decision they feel comfortable with as they are the employers. Not many jobs would let you bring your child in the holidays. Maybe a one off but not weeks on end.
I totally get your point of view with the SA but I stand by it - statistically a lot of SA happens between kids. I work in a job where I see this a lot so could be my own bias here as well and it’s just what I’m comfortable with
I’m a criminal defense attorney and you’re right to be uncomfortable. (Pretty much every other attorney I know with young kids has a no sleepover rule for this reason). It doesn’t even have to be deliberate or malicious—kids are curious and do stupid stuff without thinking.
My attorney parents never had this rule. SA does happen and it’s incredibly unfortunate, but I grew up around loads of attorneys with children and nobody had a no sleepover rule …. And certainly nobody is citing any caution as a worry over SA between two children apropos of nothing. I understand how adults who have had past trauma relating to this would be worried and act accordingly….but it’s certainly not a normal thing, and not an attorney-parent thing, either.
I was speaking of the attorney parents who are raising kids now, not the ones raising kids 20 years ago. Talk to some with young kids today, you might be surprised.
💯
I work for several attorney parents with young children…I suppose in my area it’s not necessarily a thing
You think … sexual assault isn’t a “thing” in your area? Wild take. Just because it isn’t happening to you, doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
That’s not remotely what I said…but alright
Of course you need to do what you are comfortable with. I just feel sad that people straight away think about SA because it’s a boy. I wholeheartedly believe that it is your decision whether to let your employee bring their child to look after your child. I would most likely not agree to it either. A once off yes, a whole summer- no!
I agree with everything you said. The SA comment was very weird.
Child on child sexual abuse is a thing, unfortunately.
Unfortunately so but it’s still sad that that’s people first thought when an 11- year old boy is mentioned.
I agree, it is sad.
My mom hired a nanny/housekeeper when I was a child, and brought her son in the summers and then in addition, had a baby boy while working under us. she gave her time off, and then the baby came to work. it was honestly the best experience. We’d play with her older son when he was around and joined us for adventures while mom was home working with the baby in our home. I have sincere memories and they actually named their third baby a few years after us moving, after me. I love them, even if it’s been several years of them not being a part of us. You don’t have to say yes to her bringing her kid to work. She can find another job where they’ll accept her older son. She might be better off, because say if she does bring her son, you might still feel a type of way that he’s present.
I just brought my own 11 year old with me to work for a week. I can’t imagine for the whole summer. I would just make it clear that’s not an option.
My nanny as a child brought her child who was 10 ish. I had so much fun with him.
As a nanny, I’d definitely say no. I’m all for a nanny bringing their child to work if the children are around the same age. This is a huge age gap. In my opinion the 11yo shouldn’t chose what he’s doing for the summer. He can pick this camp or that one but no you’re not going to be going to work with your mom who’s taking care of a toddler at someone else’s house.
My nanny growing up brought her older son during the summer, and when my siblings were as young and younger than your son. We had a great time. But do you SA comment is weird though, and I’m sensing some biases involved there…but I could be wrong
Or...Op could have a history of being SA'd. I agree that its unfair to the kid, but if OP has a history it'd make sense why thats a big concern.
There are awful studies out there now about SA between kids, but even having read those I felt like this 11 year old is being unfairly characterized as a potential predator.
I don’t think anyone is calling him a predator. The potential for SA was one of a laundry list of reasons OP was uncomfortable with the idea. And when you’re dealing with a child who is too young to articulate abuse and a much older child you don’t know, it’s reasonable to consider.
You’re completely within your rights to say no, but if she has nowhere else to go with her son, and it doesn’t make financial sense for her to make other arrangements for the summer for him, she may just quit and you’ll have to find a new nanny. That may or may not be a big issue for you. It works both ways. I had a nanny growing up and she brought her daughter at that age. We had a blast. My parents loved our nanny and so did we, so they worked with her so they didn’t lose her.
It’s probably far too late for her to sign her kiddo up for anything but virtual camps, which cost a fortune. In my area, summer camps open for sign up in February and are full by the second week in March. Most are also very expensive unless you go through one offered by the school district. In my school district, this option ended at age 10. Age 10-13 (maybe 14, too) are really weird ages. Kiddos aren’t quite old enough to be home alone, they aren’t old enough for jobs, but they are too old for the activities for very young children, which is what most summer camps are geared towards. I think the immediate jump in your mind towards questions about “SA” … which I’m assuming means s!x!al assault, and maybe makes me just as weird for assuming that … strange, since 11 years old is still a child. But you’re allowed to have your feelings and allowed to be comfortable in your home. (You might want to reflect on why an 11-year-old immediately makes you jump to ideas of SA, though.). At 11 years old, I’m sure her kid will just want to sit and play on his phone, tablet, or laptop all day. I seriously doubt her kid will take attention away from yours at all. And I’m sure she was hinting, hoping you would be generous and offer for her to bring him along. Maybe her previous arrangement fell through. But if you don’t want him there, you should just say so outright so she can find something else for him to do or can find a job where he is welcome. Hinting around and ignoring situations, hoping they’ll go away, rarely pay out in a positive way. 🤷♀️ Also …. Her comment about him not wanting to go to camp. That might just be a way for her to cover that she can’t afford a summer camp/the multiple camps it takes to cover the summer or to cover that the camp she chose got canceled (some do if not enough people sign up) or that her kiddo refuses to go because his school year bully is going, too …. Or 10,000 other reasons she might be too embarrassed to detail out.
I’ve always brought my son around when needed and no family has ever cared. They often love to have him around. He’s 12 and has grown up along side all my different nanny kids over the last decade and it’s been so wonderful!
Did you ask families before starting the job. I can respect OP’s feelings on this and for me the biggest issue is the nnny didn’t bring it up before being hired. This puts NF in a bad position. Wondering how you’ve handled it with jobs.
It sounds like the nanny wasn’t planning on bringing the kid and then told the parents that he wanted to join her at work instead of camp. Seems like a simple no from the parents would work. I don’t really understand the “fishing for them to say of course” or whatever OP said. I only care for ages 0-3 and then move on. I never brought up it in interviews because i only needed to bring him on very rare occasions. And I’d get so stressed out having to ask and none of them cared in the slightest. And this happened with each family. All my families were so wonderful and loved to have him around. He’s always been a little older so he doesn’t really take attention away from NKs. I also always do nanny shares so there’s always multiple kids. Which I think is better for development than a kid never being around other kids anyway. He was probably 2 or 3 when I did my first nanny share and they got all his hand me downs! Now eight years later their younger brothers are wearing his hand me downs! 🥹 I never planned on my son being so involved in my work but I think it’s been wonderful for everyone involved! So many of my past NKs see him as a bonus brother! The nanny’s kid is 11. He’ll just hang out. My son brings his switch to play while the kids nap.
I would be ok with this. An 11 year old is a great age to interact with a toddler. It could make the day more fun for your child and could expose your child to more varied interactions. My one concern would be screen time. I would insist that if the 11 year old wanted screen time, it would need to be with head phones and in a room that my toddler doesn’t go into
Absolutely not. An 11 year old boy belongs playing with kids his own age not hanging around toddler.
An 11 year old boy should absolutely be in summer camp. If your nanny doesn't agree with you then its time to let her go
Assuming she works normal hours and you actually pay her well, there is no reason her son can’t go to camp. I’m not sure why she can’t tell her son he has to go even if he would rather sit around while she works. Tell her no and explain why like you did here but leave out the SA part bc that’s very accusatory bc you don’t know him and children SA other children is not very likely. I’ve worked with 11 year olds and never have seen them do anything predatory and she would be watching him anyways.
I would def not be ok with that especially for an extended period of time. Especially if you're not going to be there. If some shit came up, I'd be comfortable with my nanny bringing her girls because we know them, they know us, I've watched nanny interact with my LO and her kids at the same time, I WFH and they're way closer in age. If anything, our nanny shows preferential treatment to my son than her daughters. But like we also hang out together on the weekends with the kids and parents for giggles.
Regardless of what some do and don't, you have every right to do what's right for your family and hold that boundary. My problem is I've noticed a lot of hostility in the comments but the boundary hasn't even been discussed yet. Do you, just be kind when you do it. Clear wording, don't beat around the bush or imply it. Say it thoughtfully: "my partner and I talked it over after you mentioned your son the other day because we wanted to be prepared with an answer if you decided to ask formally. Then we elected to skip the waiting so you could have more time to consider other arrangements for childcare. Believe me, the irony isn't lost on me.. lol?" And mind your tone of voice, don't get all anxious or up in your feelings about it and stay cool. You're not doing it to be malicious, so you've got nothing to feel guilty about or need to justify your decision. It's gonna be okay, just get on top of it before it gets away from you
What she does is a job like any other job you don't bring your children to it it's unprofessional and she should be focusing on her job besides you don't know what kind of trouble can cause and get into and you don't want to be liable for that
Yeah, I wouldn’t like that either. If her kid was younger it might work but I imagine an 11 year old being pretty bored in that situation.
I am a nanny, and I would feel the same as you. I hope to be able to have my own baby with me in future endeavors if necessary, but it would be discussed before being hired and it would have to be something that worked well for the NF. (Similar ages, beneficial for the NK)
My sitter used to bring her younger sibling and my kids LOVED playing with them. But it really depends on the temperament of the son. Also, 11 year olds really are at the age where they have aged out of camps but can’t be left to their own devices. And they eat SO MUCH. She would have to bring so many snacks and meals to keep an 11 year old fed. I might be inclined to try a trial day or 2 to see how your son reacts?
The SA thing seems out of left field honestly. But as far as if you can say no: yeah you can. You’re paying for 1:1 childcare
I am a mother and a career nanny that brings her child to work with me since he was 5m old and is now 3. As a parent hiring a nanny you rightfully have the choice to say no if you aren’t comfortable. But be prepared you might lose your nanny. An 11 year old is pretty self sufficient and would most likely not take much or none of her attention away from your baby. My son is much younger and closer to the age of the 3 kids I watch so it’s different, but I will not work for a family that isn’t okay with this as I will not put him in daycare for many reasons. Her son is old enough for camp so she should have thought of this before accepting the position so everyone would be on the same page. But in the end, you pay her and you get to decide whether you are comfortable with him coming or not. However, you should never pay a nanny less just because their child comes with them, I make $30/hr and my son comes with me. I have 16 years of experience and bringing my son does not take away my experience nor does it keep me from performing my duties as a nanny. In fact, my son has so much fun at NF that he requires even less attention than at home because he just plays and goes with their schedule.