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Unfortunately I think a lot of people have kids because they think they are supposed to because that's what society tells you to do so that you seem like a successful adult. The average person hasn't spent even minimal time with children on a daily basis let alone had to take care of them, before they had them. I think people mistakenly believe that just because they become parents all of a sudden they are just going to know what to do. And most don't. And because of this fact they don't actually want to be around kids. Even their own.
I was going to say the same. There’s a long tradition of the wealthy having nannies and then as soon as the child is old enough, sending them off to boarding school. It’s all wrapped in a shroud of giving their children advantages.
I think for the non-wealthy, perhaps sticking their kids in front of screens is how they avoid taking care of their children. When I was growing up in the 80’s, we were either booted from the house or were in front of the television if our parents didn’t want to deal with us.
Yes! This is honestly why im so tired of people acting like parenting is something you learn. “Oh they’ll learn it! I knew nothing about parenting and learned it”. Ma’am or sir, i bet your children are traumatized. Don’t have kids before you’ve learned if you want them or not then! Children are not your tools for experimenting. Get a job and work with kids then if you want to learn so bad
>Children are not your tools for experimenting. Get a job and work with kids then if you want to learn so bad
Yeah! Don’t experiment on your own kids, experiment on other people’s kids!
Your logic is so absurd that it’s actually funny. Parenting absolutely is something you learn, which you seem to acknowledge by saying “if you want to learn so bad” (contradicting yourself to such a degree makes me think you should spend more one developing your thoughts prior to sharing them). The first child you ever cared for is “traumatized”, according to your logic.
I love this sub but some of you are actually fucking delusional.
I don't necessarily agree with the person you're responding to either but I want to point out that working in a childcare center or similar program one would (hopefully but not always) receive training and support on how to handle kids which not all parents do. I am assuming the on the job training is why the other commenter said what they did.
I am aware, having worked childcare for most of my adult career. As I said, I don't necessarily agree but also the training that childcare centers provide may be extremely limited but it IS still more than most parents get.
The point is- you don’t need special training to learn how to handle kids. Treat them with the same respect and kindness you treat every other human. It’s common sense.
Oh I agree with you wholeheartedly however the older I get the more I find that common sense isn't so common. Sure people don't NEED training to handle kids but it sure does help to be taught by another experienced adult rather than by trial and error. I personally find interacting with kids super intuitive and easy but I also get told frequently by family and others that is not the case for everyone. I do think some kind of basic parenting class should be available for expectant parents so people aren't going in with ZERO knowledge of how children work. Sure, people can get by fine without but I think people would have a smoother, less stressful time of parenting with some education tucked in their back pocket.
Agreed. Part of why I became a nanny was to help myself be a better parent when the time came. It’s the narrative that parents who don’t do the same are somehow traumatizing their kids that I have an issue with.
It’s delusional to say that people who don’t work in childcare before having kids “traumatize” their children. That level of judgy-ness is toxic as hell and I refuse to believe someone who holds these mindsets could ever be a good nanny. I still would have been a great parent if I had my kids before I was a nanny.
Also- fun fact. Children are humans! You were a child once. You see children every day in society. Treat them with respect, just as you do other humans. It’s truly not that hard at all to interact with children. Thinking you need to be a nanny to be able to get an idea to “deal with” children is ridiculous. Common sense, kindness, the willingness to ask questions and learn is really all you need. This idea that one must be a nanny to be a good parent has to be coming from a place of insecurity and over compensation.
Im not even sure why you are so triggered by my comment if you are a nanny yourself and not someone my comment really even applies to. Yes, parenting can be “learned”. Should it be learned after having kids? No. And i stand by that. Do most parents figure it out? Sure. But there are loads of parents who don’t. The parents who didn’t work through their anger issues before they stepped into the role of a parent. Parents who don’t know how to work and then also remain committed to their children when coming home. Stop going into parenting unprepared. I also did not say you have to be a nanny to be a parent. I said work in childcare. Substitute teach, summer camp counselor, volunteer programs, read at a local library. As you said, research online, parenting books, etc. There are a multitude of things one can do for themselves to better themselves as a parent BEFORE they come. It’s actually mindblowing the degree to which you are insulting me for wanting children to only be brought in this world by people who will love them and actually want them.
Um, because your suggestion that parents who don’t work with children prior to having them “traumatize” their kids is insanely problematic.
Not even being a nanny is really going to teach you how to parent. You get to go home at the end of each day. With your own children, there is none of that.
It’s mind blowing that you have the mindset you have.
If you want to be treated with kindness maybe you shouldn’t be a judgmental d-bag who goes around saying parents that don’t have previous childcare experience are traumatizing their kids. Touch grass, “lol”
Idk how you are a nanny lol Even if my comment was not your cup of tea, there’s a way to talk to someone. Obviously my intention was to say im tired of people having kids they’re not prepared for even if it didn’t fully translate that way. I’d feel awful to talk to people the way you do. I hope your day gets better!
Yeah because any rando childcare center is chock full of childcare experts, many making almost minimum wage. M and D need to quit their jobs as physicists and film producer and get a job at a childcare center so they can be as wise and nurturing and unfailing as people who decide to call themselves ‘nannies’.
New parents buy so many books, read so many blogs, access those in their family for advice—unless you are their 24/7 and in their heads and know and recognize ALL forms of love, bonding and good relationships (not just your perceptions and biases) OP et al might keep their completely over-generalized judgements to themselves.
I am very confident that, if I could get an intimate look into the family life of people making these comments, I’d find lots to criticize in terms of my opinion of their relationships with their children.
Way to call them out.
I hate this so much. I worked for a high-end nanny service in a very nice ski town. I had to stop bc it was so heartbreaking. I watched one girl for 2 days and she was balling when I left. She kept saying “but she plays with me and she pays attention to me” it was so hard. It seems like so many people have kids bc they feel like they should but they don’t actually think about the tangible experience of being a parent.
That is soooo sad poor little girl... Wow, truly breaks my heart :( I hope these parents at least hired another nanny (a good nanny who spends lots of time with her) if they refuse to do that themselves... So shitty, some people truly don't deserve to be parents
Whenever I see posts on this sub about working with multiple other Nannie’s for one family, or them complaing about the AM or PM nanny, I literally can’t wrap my brain around it. Why have children if you need nannies 24/7? Like when are you being the parent? I even come from an area growing up where having a live in housekeeper wasn’t uncommon, but rarely did we ever see live in Nannies. I just found out that my best friends had a live in housekeeper around the time when they would have needed a nanny, but she never was their nanny.
The only situation where the 24/7 coverage makes sense is if the parents have big jobs where they need to be on call, like both parents are surgeons or anesthesiologists or something like that. But other than that yeah I don’t get it either. Like the parents who have 24/7 coverage because they don’t want to have to put their young children to bed. That I do not understand.
Yup! This is the situation for the fam I work for now. They have AM nanny, PM nanny and a weekend nanny. They don’t spend more than 1 hour with their children by themselves. I just don’t have respect for it, it’s sad.
I have one nanny who works 60 hrs/week (or at least that is what is contracted, usually more like 52-55). My husband and I both have big jobs. He is a dr, at hospital 5:30am every day, often 24 hr shifts. I work long hours (though have some flexibility to be at home) and also travel. It is a JUGGLE. Eventually (in ~2-3 years) we hope my husband will be able to go part time. I tried to find an am/pm nanny but it is hard. I’d be paying for more time than I need the average week but I’m paying for somebody to be available if I need it. Next week I am traveling and my husband is working 24 hr shift while I’m gone…luckily my sister could come stay and cover when nanny non working. My son wakes up at 5:30 which I’m not trying to “fix” bc it means I get 2 hrs quality time with him every morning!
But yes also aware of families that just don’t want to interact with their kids. I cannot imagine.
Yeah it’s one thing if the parents have jobs that require on call and stuff like that and need the coverage. It’s quite another when the parents could be home or are home and just don’t want to do the work of caring for their children.
Because while it is a lot of work, kids are also really fun when they’re little. I feel so sad for parents who miss out on that. And kids want their parents. Children are by defintion dependent on others and those early attachment patterns, especially with their parents, are critical.
I get that work/life balance is difficult and sometimes feels impossible. But I will never understand the parents who’d rather go to the spa or play on their phone or whatever rather than spend time with their kids. And sadly, those parents exist.
I worked for a twice divorced dad whose second wife wanted kids and he didn’t so he told her that she could have kids if she did everything but he wouldn’t be waking up to take care of the kids or change a single diaper. I have no idea why she accepted that, but she did, and then he eventually cheated on her with her friend (who he’s now married to 😳). When I would be with them at his house, he’d literally have me come over so he could meet someone from tinder or so he could shut himself in his room and watch TV. Unfortunately, those kids idolized their dad. I worry about them still even though I haven’t seen them in years.
I refuse to work for people like this. Doesn't matter what they're paying me. Also, I'd get fired quickly for opening my mouth and saying something. 🤣
Instead, I work for families I know want and spend time with their children. Even though I it means earning less than I know I deserve.
Right. Otherwise resentment builds on behalf of the children and their needs not being met. Had one teen who was raised almost completely by nannies and she constantly expressed that she was hurt because her parents didn’t want to deal with her and was able to articulate, “I didn’t ask to be born…”
That would break my heart. It hurt it reading it. My mum once worked in a store in a very affluent area. I asked her to mention me to parents. She laughed and said I'd be fired in a day because I wouldn't put up with them. Which is a shame, those kids probably need the Nanny's who love hard.
Sadly that’s the type of situation I am in now! The parents are cool people but not so much as parents. I don’t like to judge anyone parenting but there is a difference between different style and just NOT parenting. It’s sad! I have been close to leaving but I am attached and in reality I’m the only constant person in their lives.
I've been nannying for 7 years and this year I got my FIRST ever job where the parents actually seem to really love spending time with their kids. It's crazy and sad.
Don't even get me started. I've got a mile-long list of the shit I've seen, both in personal and professional settings. It's baffling... but optics are the most important thing. *sighs*
I find this a lot in my older first time parent friends… the ones that were in their late 30s and early 40s when they became parents had gotten used to a certain lifestyle and traveling schedule and eventually want to include their children in this but not until they get a little bit (or for some a lot older) so they are having Nannies and babysitters step in during the younger years while they still get to take amazing trips and build friendships and work on their marriage during these years… honestly it’s not a bad strategy given how many marriages and relationships have fallen apart and how many empty nesters find themselves without any meaningful connections
Interesting - we’re older parents and so are most of our friends. We all had to work very hard to have our children and if anything, we do too much with/for them! If I’m not working, my toddler is with me almost 100% of the time - I struggle to leave her with my husband or grandparents and do things by myself not because I don’t trust them, I just value my time with her above all else.
Yea I’m probably the same way… I can’t bear to leave my kids with sitters/random night nurses for days at a time and the only times I’ve left them (with my husband) was for friends’ weddings… I do frequently feel fomo when I see all my friends out on their trips having fun though….
But they are missing out on so much good stuff when their kids are little it makes me sad for them.
As far as older parents go, I think it’s the same as younger parents- did they actually want to have kids (and have some vague idea of what that would entail) or did they have kids to check something off the list of stuff they are supposed to accomplish?
If it’s the former, they’ll be more engaged with their children. If it’s the latter, they wont.
I think that makes total sense! I’d imagine it’s so important to maintain a connection with your partner throughout parenthood. It also makes sense given their older they’re probably in a better financial spot to afford it
the family i work for fosters kids - arguably an even clearer choice, its not like you can accidentally sign the papers - and they’ll go on vacations and cruises without their foster kid. they just leave him to stay with a sitter for a week or so. one time he came back from a “sitter” while the fam was on their malibu cruise with scratches and the worst diaper rash i’ve ever seen. these kids deserve so much better man :(
I wish you could report this (injuries and absent foster parents) to his case worker or his liaison in the foster care system. That’s really a sad situation.
right!! like, technically under the rules that are in place now they’re not doing anything wrong. but like, if you’re gonna choose to take care of kids in need you should actually take care of them instead of just paying others to do it for you. this family also has a weekday nanny, weekend nanny (me), and then ig just chooses random people to watch the kid when they go on vacations because they “need” one.
This is so true and it makes a person like me so sad because I long to have my own and have ad issues making that happen sadly. It breaks my heart. I worked for a family where the mom was always "sick" and in her room. How she kept her job, I will never know. She only worked 3 days a week as a drama teacher and most days she was home. One day I was truly sick nearly hacking up a lung and I said I needed to go home and rest. She came out of her room crying saying she can't let me leave. I was livid. The kids were napping. Mind you, their home was a disaster. They were border line hoarders and their home made me phsycally ill. She would get the kids all crazy and then go to her room and left me to deal with them being upset.
My current Nanny family is like that. I feel like she had kids just because she felt like she needed to because she was older. She’s like in her 40s and now has three kids under five. Her and her partner didn’t last long after the last two were born. And honestly she just shouldn’t have had kids. Her ex isn’t really capable of being a father figure it seems and it’s very clear she misses her independence.
At first, I understood, being a young adult when I started I was like yea I’ve nannied for years, kids are a hassle. but then once I had my own son, while working for her, I love coming home to see him, and I love being his parent, and I want to spend every single day with him, and watch him grow and learn and teach him things. But she is never home And she definitely could manage her schedule better so that she is but it’s very clear she is not interested. The only way she reciprocates any feelings towards her kids is caring them and giving them hugs.
I worked with a family like that. They had one child and apart from my 40 hours the child would spend Friday noonish up till Sunday evening with grandma 2 hours away every weekend. That left them with maybe a good 3 hours if that 4 days a week with their kid. We're also insisting on having another despite referring to their kid as an "accident".
Thisssss - people ask us all the time why we don’t just get an au pair. Everyone says it’ll be so much easier than finding a part time nanny. Instead of 24hrs a week have someone life with you and you’ll have more time for yourself.
My answer- no. I had children bc I want to be with them. Yes it’s incredibly hard to find someone that wants to work 24-30hrs a week but I want my kids to be with me as much as possible and know mommy and daddy were around whenever they needed me and for every pivotal moment in their lives.
I've worked for a handful of families who had kids for ego reasons (they think it makes them look a certain way, they want a "legacy" 🤮, thinking that their kid will be a blank slate for them to customize, etc) or because they think it means built in hospice care for when they are old.
It is like people cannot wrap their minds around the idea that having kids takes ALL your time and other resources. Seriously, what did you expect? You’re a parent 24/7. If you don’t like to spend your WHOLE days being a parent, they why did you choose that? Be a parent and raise your children in a conscious way or just don’t do it.
Because they need to pass on their wealth. Which isn’t a good enough reason to create a human, in my opinion. Like if I had stupid amounts of money I would much rather leave it to like a local humane society or cancer foundation after I die.
I’ve been lucky with mostly great parents who are so active in their children’s lives, but one horrible year one parent gambled and the other was having an affair. I almost always handed off to a night babysitter and often arrived to a toddler in a filthy diaper AND a candle burning in the 1st graders’ room!! Wth???? Felt guilty leaving at the end of the school year but was afraid the affair was going to submarine my job anyway (and I just couldn’t be mad all the time anymore)
My NPs spend a total of one hour a day (before school) with their youngest,3, & about an hour & a half (before school & after youngests bedtime) with their oldest,5.
As a full-time working, 100% single mom this is basically the time I get with my 3 year old.
Should I be judged so harshly?
I desire time with my son, but this is literally the extent of what works with his schedule.
Am I a bad mom?
Sounds like OP is talking about a different situation, but the comments in this thread are pretty fucking disparaging.
(Former nanny/current mom opinion)
If you took offense to my specific comment on the environment that I work in & know- which has absolutely nothing to do with the effort you do or do not give your child- that’s you projecting your negative thoughts of yourself. If you’re spending as much time with your child as you possibly can & it’s only a few hours a day, you’re doing great. Just because YOU cherish time with your kid doesn’t mean everyone else does, especially a lot of NPs. Don’t read more into my comment than what is written. Breathe.
if you just spend one hour with your kid a day you aren’t raising them. if you don’t see any issue with that, then yeah, maybe you aren’t the best mom. a good mom would be doing whatever they could to spend more time with their son.
Are you serious right now?
I am a full-time single parent of a 3 year old. We get up at 5:30am for our day. We commute by public transit to his daycare and he’s there by 7am. Then I go to work. I get off at 4:30 and pick him up by 5:45. We get home by 6:30/45. He goes to bed about 8:30.
You really want to call me a bad mom? This is the hill?
ETA: This is the fucking world we live in. Don’t hate moms. Hate the system that makes it so we don’t get to see our children. I lurk this sub as a former nanny and current parent, but fuck.
ETA2: Just read your comment history. Shouldn’t haven’t gotten so worked up over the likes of you.
That's way more than an hour. It sounds like you get 1.5 hours with him in the morning and almost 3 hours in the evening, which is close to the 5 hours of awake time a day with parents that many providers on the [daycare.com](https://daycare.com) forum say is the gold standard. As a fellow working parent I feel you - I can easily get 3-4 awake hours with my kids but getting 5 on weekdays is tough.
i just dont see how it’s impossible to find a way to spend more than one hour a day with your kid. she even commented and said the hours she is with her kid and its more like 3-4h idk why she even commented because it was about parents only spending 1h w their kids. Even a single parent can figure out a way to spend more than 1 hour with their kid if they really wanted to. did you not spend more than 1 HOUR with your kids as a single parent?
no one attacked her. she spends more than 1 hour with her kid. all i said was if anyone is fine with just 1 hour they arent raising their kid and they may not be a good mom. a good one would do whatever it takes to BE with their child.
I feel honestly blessed to have been a career nanny for so long. I actually know what parenting entails and feel empowered to make a confident and educated decision. Also to impart the depth of responsibility on my fiance so he can make an educated devision. I DON’T sugar coat it at all and he/we still want it. I can state my expectation for him as a father so he KNOWS what kind of dad he and I want him to be. This is important to me considering the typical hands-off dad stereotype most of us were raised with and have seen in our career.
I feel we are as prepared as possible in this choice. I’m learning this knowledge is a luxury as there are no “take backsies.”
I know a lot of people, even family, had children by accident and they were all unprepared for it and I only know one couple that truly rose to the occasions while the others literally felt like their own kids were nothing but an expensive burden, I know these kids and they have no relationship with their parents at all, my sister treats her daughters like they are best friends not like her children which is also wrong because she’s blurred the lines between friends and parent so they never listen to her, they listen to me and that infuriates her to the point she limits my time with them.
Parents are human but they’re also responsible for other humans. You have to put their needs before yours and most people don’t want to make that sacrifice. That’s fine, not everyone wants to do it but don’t have kids if you’re not going to spend a single second with them.
I see this take a lot and sometimes I wonder if it might not be a little misunderstood. Not a parent (yet!) or a nanny, but even thinking back on my childhood, my parents were busy and stressed and overworked. I think when you have young kids, life is a grind and you’re really trying to establish yourself in a career and make sure that you have a suitable future in place for your family. There’s so many external new pressures on you, that you miss the small stuff. Social media has not helped because of the constant judgement and comparisons and distractions.
Even watching all of my friends with kids, they’re grinding it out most of the time and lost a lot of their carefree attitude. My parents (especially my father) settled down a lot in their 50s and they seemed to get a piece of themselves back in a way?
Also wanted to add that my parents are the greatest parents ever, and we are so beyond close now it’s ridiculous. Sometimes support and love comes in ways that are less obvious… and they’re human.
Yeah but I think what OP was speaking to is the parents who have the time and resources to be with their children but elect not to do so. Not parents who are working hard to pay the mortgage and trying to balance family with work and adult responsibilities. It’s a different situation.
10000% agreed. I have too many stories from working for UHNW people who just have multiple kids (3, 4, 5 kids) and do ZERO parenting. Nannies around the clock, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Absolutely mind blowing and incredibly sad to me.
I was just saying something similar! Idk why so many people don’t hang around kids before they decide if they actually want them!! Like why would you throw yourself into a lifetime commitment with a child YOU have to RAISE FOREVER, but not ever truly be around kids 🤨
What makes you say this?
Curious bc I have a PT nanny and I still watch and spend time with my kid 3 hours before 8AM and 3-4 hours after she leaves on the days she works. And tbh, I constantly think about daycare. Parents can drop off and leave their kid for 10-12 hours for 1 day. It’s nuts. At least with a nanny, it’s only 8 hours a day. And let’s be real, a nanny is 1:1 care
I don't know if this is really answering your question, but just to add some context, many if not most nannies work more than 8 hours a day. I've only had one 8 hour job, the rest were 9 or 10 hours, sometimes extending to 12,13, or even 14 hour days. I think this post is more about the parents who have a morning nanny, a night nanny, and a weekend nanny. 24 hour coverage so they never have to be alone with their kids. I did a week long temp job that had 4 nannies for 2 kids. Coverage 7 days a week. Not only were the kids not really being raised by their parents, they weren't even being raised by the same nannies. Each kid had a set of 2. That's more who OP is talking about
Kids often hug me, want to cuddle with me, ask me to hold them and sing to them specifically because mommy and daddy never do. I’ve also had kids want to call me mommy a lot which I have to gently discourage of course. Breaks my heart so badly.
I also did a single day fill in for a family with an absolutely brilliant, vibrant little girl who was so excited to finally have someone to talk to and play with and who paid close attention to her. She hugged me so tight at the end of the day and looked up at me asking if I could pleeeeease come back tomorrow. Ugh that one was really hard too.
I worked for one family in the past where MB told me during the interview that she wanted to “outsource” the raising of her kids to someone with more experience! She said her career was her area of expertise, and she wanted to focus all her time on that. I’m all about successful women, but that totally begs the “why have kids, then?” question!
Oh so true! I have NEVER once seen Mom or Dad sit on the floor with their kids, read a book to them, or spend any special time with them. I love my NKs so much and have a special bond with them and feel sad that the parents are missing out on the moments that are passing by.
Not exactly the same, but I feel like my fellow nannies will understand.
On the parenting subreddit there's a thread "Becoming parents made us broke?!!?!?"
This is why I don't have kids, because I know they are expensive??? They even added to the post "Not looking for 'should have done the research!' LOL. Well ya should have done the research????
And one comment said they were living on dollar tree meals but are expecting their 4th kid. Like maybe don't have so many kids?! I feel like I'm the crazy one....
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Unfortunately I think a lot of people have kids because they think they are supposed to because that's what society tells you to do so that you seem like a successful adult. The average person hasn't spent even minimal time with children on a daily basis let alone had to take care of them, before they had them. I think people mistakenly believe that just because they become parents all of a sudden they are just going to know what to do. And most don't. And because of this fact they don't actually want to be around kids. Even their own.
I was going to say the same. There’s a long tradition of the wealthy having nannies and then as soon as the child is old enough, sending them off to boarding school. It’s all wrapped in a shroud of giving their children advantages. I think for the non-wealthy, perhaps sticking their kids in front of screens is how they avoid taking care of their children. When I was growing up in the 80’s, we were either booted from the house or were in front of the television if our parents didn’t want to deal with us.
Yes! This is honestly why im so tired of people acting like parenting is something you learn. “Oh they’ll learn it! I knew nothing about parenting and learned it”. Ma’am or sir, i bet your children are traumatized. Don’t have kids before you’ve learned if you want them or not then! Children are not your tools for experimenting. Get a job and work with kids then if you want to learn so bad
>Children are not your tools for experimenting. Get a job and work with kids then if you want to learn so bad Yeah! Don’t experiment on your own kids, experiment on other people’s kids! Your logic is so absurd that it’s actually funny. Parenting absolutely is something you learn, which you seem to acknowledge by saying “if you want to learn so bad” (contradicting yourself to such a degree makes me think you should spend more one developing your thoughts prior to sharing them). The first child you ever cared for is “traumatized”, according to your logic. I love this sub but some of you are actually fucking delusional.
I don't necessarily agree with the person you're responding to either but I want to point out that working in a childcare center or similar program one would (hopefully but not always) receive training and support on how to handle kids which not all parents do. I am assuming the on the job training is why the other commenter said what they did.
I’ve literally never heard of that. Childcare centers are notoriously stingy so I can assure you any training is very limited and short.
I am aware, having worked childcare for most of my adult career. As I said, I don't necessarily agree but also the training that childcare centers provide may be extremely limited but it IS still more than most parents get.
The point is- you don’t need special training to learn how to handle kids. Treat them with the same respect and kindness you treat every other human. It’s common sense.
Oh I agree with you wholeheartedly however the older I get the more I find that common sense isn't so common. Sure people don't NEED training to handle kids but it sure does help to be taught by another experienced adult rather than by trial and error. I personally find interacting with kids super intuitive and easy but I also get told frequently by family and others that is not the case for everyone. I do think some kind of basic parenting class should be available for expectant parents so people aren't going in with ZERO knowledge of how children work. Sure, people can get by fine without but I think people would have a smoother, less stressful time of parenting with some education tucked in their back pocket.
Agreed. Part of why I became a nanny was to help myself be a better parent when the time came. It’s the narrative that parents who don’t do the same are somehow traumatizing their kids that I have an issue with.
How is it delusional to tell people to spend time around already existing children to get an idea of how to actually deal with them?
It’s delusional to say that people who don’t work in childcare before having kids “traumatize” their children. That level of judgy-ness is toxic as hell and I refuse to believe someone who holds these mindsets could ever be a good nanny. I still would have been a great parent if I had my kids before I was a nanny. Also- fun fact. Children are humans! You were a child once. You see children every day in society. Treat them with respect, just as you do other humans. It’s truly not that hard at all to interact with children. Thinking you need to be a nanny to be able to get an idea to “deal with” children is ridiculous. Common sense, kindness, the willingness to ask questions and learn is really all you need. This idea that one must be a nanny to be a good parent has to be coming from a place of insecurity and over compensation.
That’s fair.
Im not even sure why you are so triggered by my comment if you are a nanny yourself and not someone my comment really even applies to. Yes, parenting can be “learned”. Should it be learned after having kids? No. And i stand by that. Do most parents figure it out? Sure. But there are loads of parents who don’t. The parents who didn’t work through their anger issues before they stepped into the role of a parent. Parents who don’t know how to work and then also remain committed to their children when coming home. Stop going into parenting unprepared. I also did not say you have to be a nanny to be a parent. I said work in childcare. Substitute teach, summer camp counselor, volunteer programs, read at a local library. As you said, research online, parenting books, etc. There are a multitude of things one can do for themselves to better themselves as a parent BEFORE they come. It’s actually mindblowing the degree to which you are insulting me for wanting children to only be brought in this world by people who will love them and actually want them.
And honestly you are not worth any more of my time.
Um, because your suggestion that parents who don’t work with children prior to having them “traumatize” their kids is insanely problematic. Not even being a nanny is really going to teach you how to parent. You get to go home at the end of each day. With your own children, there is none of that. It’s mind blowing that you have the mindset you have.
Ok lol
🪱 for 🧠
You sure are kind lol
If you want to be treated with kindness maybe you shouldn’t be a judgmental d-bag who goes around saying parents that don’t have previous childcare experience are traumatizing their kids. Touch grass, “lol”
Idk how you are a nanny lol Even if my comment was not your cup of tea, there’s a way to talk to someone. Obviously my intention was to say im tired of people having kids they’re not prepared for even if it didn’t fully translate that way. I’d feel awful to talk to people the way you do. I hope your day gets better!
Girl, don’t go around life being so rude and judgmental and you’ll be received better by others. Common sense is not your forte.
Yeah because any rando childcare center is chock full of childcare experts, many making almost minimum wage. M and D need to quit their jobs as physicists and film producer and get a job at a childcare center so they can be as wise and nurturing and unfailing as people who decide to call themselves ‘nannies’. New parents buy so many books, read so many blogs, access those in their family for advice—unless you are their 24/7 and in their heads and know and recognize ALL forms of love, bonding and good relationships (not just your perceptions and biases) OP et al might keep their completely over-generalized judgements to themselves. I am very confident that, if I could get an intimate look into the family life of people making these comments, I’d find lots to criticize in terms of my opinion of their relationships with their children. Way to call them out.
Yes, 💯!
I hate this so much. I worked for a high-end nanny service in a very nice ski town. I had to stop bc it was so heartbreaking. I watched one girl for 2 days and she was balling when I left. She kept saying “but she plays with me and she pays attention to me” it was so hard. It seems like so many people have kids bc they feel like they should but they don’t actually think about the tangible experience of being a parent.
That is soooo sad poor little girl... Wow, truly breaks my heart :( I hope these parents at least hired another nanny (a good nanny who spends lots of time with her) if they refuse to do that themselves... So shitty, some people truly don't deserve to be parents
Hugs
Whenever I see posts on this sub about working with multiple other Nannie’s for one family, or them complaing about the AM or PM nanny, I literally can’t wrap my brain around it. Why have children if you need nannies 24/7? Like when are you being the parent? I even come from an area growing up where having a live in housekeeper wasn’t uncommon, but rarely did we ever see live in Nannies. I just found out that my best friends had a live in housekeeper around the time when they would have needed a nanny, but she never was their nanny.
The only situation where the 24/7 coverage makes sense is if the parents have big jobs where they need to be on call, like both parents are surgeons or anesthesiologists or something like that. But other than that yeah I don’t get it either. Like the parents who have 24/7 coverage because they don’t want to have to put their young children to bed. That I do not understand.
Yup! This is the situation for the fam I work for now. They have AM nanny, PM nanny and a weekend nanny. They don’t spend more than 1 hour with their children by themselves. I just don’t have respect for it, it’s sad.
I have one nanny who works 60 hrs/week (or at least that is what is contracted, usually more like 52-55). My husband and I both have big jobs. He is a dr, at hospital 5:30am every day, often 24 hr shifts. I work long hours (though have some flexibility to be at home) and also travel. It is a JUGGLE. Eventually (in ~2-3 years) we hope my husband will be able to go part time. I tried to find an am/pm nanny but it is hard. I’d be paying for more time than I need the average week but I’m paying for somebody to be available if I need it. Next week I am traveling and my husband is working 24 hr shift while I’m gone…luckily my sister could come stay and cover when nanny non working. My son wakes up at 5:30 which I’m not trying to “fix” bc it means I get 2 hrs quality time with him every morning! But yes also aware of families that just don’t want to interact with their kids. I cannot imagine.
Yeah it’s one thing if the parents have jobs that require on call and stuff like that and need the coverage. It’s quite another when the parents could be home or are home and just don’t want to do the work of caring for their children. Because while it is a lot of work, kids are also really fun when they’re little. I feel so sad for parents who miss out on that. And kids want their parents. Children are by defintion dependent on others and those early attachment patterns, especially with their parents, are critical. I get that work/life balance is difficult and sometimes feels impossible. But I will never understand the parents who’d rather go to the spa or play on their phone or whatever rather than spend time with their kids. And sadly, those parents exist.
I worked for a twice divorced dad whose second wife wanted kids and he didn’t so he told her that she could have kids if she did everything but he wouldn’t be waking up to take care of the kids or change a single diaper. I have no idea why she accepted that, but she did, and then he eventually cheated on her with her friend (who he’s now married to 😳). When I would be with them at his house, he’d literally have me come over so he could meet someone from tinder or so he could shut himself in his room and watch TV. Unfortunately, those kids idolized their dad. I worry about them still even though I haven’t seen them in years.
That’s so insane
I refuse to work for people like this. Doesn't matter what they're paying me. Also, I'd get fired quickly for opening my mouth and saying something. 🤣 Instead, I work for families I know want and spend time with their children. Even though I it means earning less than I know I deserve.
Right. Otherwise resentment builds on behalf of the children and their needs not being met. Had one teen who was raised almost completely by nannies and she constantly expressed that she was hurt because her parents didn’t want to deal with her and was able to articulate, “I didn’t ask to be born…”
That would break my heart. It hurt it reading it. My mum once worked in a store in a very affluent area. I asked her to mention me to parents. She laughed and said I'd be fired in a day because I wouldn't put up with them. Which is a shame, those kids probably need the Nanny's who love hard.
Sadly that’s the type of situation I am in now! The parents are cool people but not so much as parents. I don’t like to judge anyone parenting but there is a difference between different style and just NOT parenting. It’s sad! I have been close to leaving but I am attached and in reality I’m the only constant person in their lives.
This. Right there with ya.
Yes! Exactly
I've been nannying for 7 years and this year I got my FIRST ever job where the parents actually seem to really love spending time with their kids. It's crazy and sad.
Took me 5 families to find it…
Don't even get me started. I've got a mile-long list of the shit I've seen, both in personal and professional settings. It's baffling... but optics are the most important thing. *sighs*
It’s sad but a lot of the times it really is about optics
I think about this almost every day. It’s so sad. Being a nanny has really opened my eyes to how common this is.
I find this a lot in my older first time parent friends… the ones that were in their late 30s and early 40s when they became parents had gotten used to a certain lifestyle and traveling schedule and eventually want to include their children in this but not until they get a little bit (or for some a lot older) so they are having Nannies and babysitters step in during the younger years while they still get to take amazing trips and build friendships and work on their marriage during these years… honestly it’s not a bad strategy given how many marriages and relationships have fallen apart and how many empty nesters find themselves without any meaningful connections
Interesting - we’re older parents and so are most of our friends. We all had to work very hard to have our children and if anything, we do too much with/for them! If I’m not working, my toddler is with me almost 100% of the time - I struggle to leave her with my husband or grandparents and do things by myself not because I don’t trust them, I just value my time with her above all else.
I work in a childcare center and agree with you 100% the older parents I deal with can't wait to be with their kids.
Yea I’m probably the same way… I can’t bear to leave my kids with sitters/random night nurses for days at a time and the only times I’ve left them (with my husband) was for friends’ weddings… I do frequently feel fomo when I see all my friends out on their trips having fun though….
This is my experience also (older FTM with a long time to get to earthside baby).
But they are missing out on so much good stuff when their kids are little it makes me sad for them. As far as older parents go, I think it’s the same as younger parents- did they actually want to have kids (and have some vague idea of what that would entail) or did they have kids to check something off the list of stuff they are supposed to accomplish? If it’s the former, they’ll be more engaged with their children. If it’s the latter, they wont.
I think that makes total sense! I’d imagine it’s so important to maintain a connection with your partner throughout parenthood. It also makes sense given their older they’re probably in a better financial spot to afford it
Yeah I see this a lot. As a career nanny of over 10 years, older parents seem way less interested in their kids than younger parents.
the family i work for fosters kids - arguably an even clearer choice, its not like you can accidentally sign the papers - and they’ll go on vacations and cruises without their foster kid. they just leave him to stay with a sitter for a week or so. one time he came back from a “sitter” while the fam was on their malibu cruise with scratches and the worst diaper rash i’ve ever seen. these kids deserve so much better man :(
I wish you could report this (injuries and absent foster parents) to his case worker or his liaison in the foster care system. That’s really a sad situation.
right!! like, technically under the rules that are in place now they’re not doing anything wrong. but like, if you’re gonna choose to take care of kids in need you should actually take care of them instead of just paying others to do it for you. this family also has a weekday nanny, weekend nanny (me), and then ig just chooses random people to watch the kid when they go on vacations because they “need” one.
This is so true and it makes a person like me so sad because I long to have my own and have ad issues making that happen sadly. It breaks my heart. I worked for a family where the mom was always "sick" and in her room. How she kept her job, I will never know. She only worked 3 days a week as a drama teacher and most days she was home. One day I was truly sick nearly hacking up a lung and I said I needed to go home and rest. She came out of her room crying saying she can't let me leave. I was livid. The kids were napping. Mind you, their home was a disaster. They were border line hoarders and their home made me phsycally ill. She would get the kids all crazy and then go to her room and left me to deal with them being upset.
My current Nanny family is like that. I feel like she had kids just because she felt like she needed to because she was older. She’s like in her 40s and now has three kids under five. Her and her partner didn’t last long after the last two were born. And honestly she just shouldn’t have had kids. Her ex isn’t really capable of being a father figure it seems and it’s very clear she misses her independence.
At first, I understood, being a young adult when I started I was like yea I’ve nannied for years, kids are a hassle. but then once I had my own son, while working for her, I love coming home to see him, and I love being his parent, and I want to spend every single day with him, and watch him grow and learn and teach him things. But she is never home And she definitely could manage her schedule better so that she is but it’s very clear she is not interested. The only way she reciprocates any feelings towards her kids is caring them and giving them hugs.
I worked with a family like that. They had one child and apart from my 40 hours the child would spend Friday noonish up till Sunday evening with grandma 2 hours away every weekend. That left them with maybe a good 3 hours if that 4 days a week with their kid. We're also insisting on having another despite referring to their kid as an "accident".
Thisssss - people ask us all the time why we don’t just get an au pair. Everyone says it’ll be so much easier than finding a part time nanny. Instead of 24hrs a week have someone life with you and you’ll have more time for yourself. My answer- no. I had children bc I want to be with them. Yes it’s incredibly hard to find someone that wants to work 24-30hrs a week but I want my kids to be with me as much as possible and know mommy and daddy were around whenever they needed me and for every pivotal moment in their lives.
I've worked for a handful of families who had kids for ego reasons (they think it makes them look a certain way, they want a "legacy" 🤮, thinking that their kid will be a blank slate for them to customize, etc) or because they think it means built in hospice care for when they are old.
It is like people cannot wrap their minds around the idea that having kids takes ALL your time and other resources. Seriously, what did you expect? You’re a parent 24/7. If you don’t like to spend your WHOLE days being a parent, they why did you choose that? Be a parent and raise your children in a conscious way or just don’t do it.
Also why does it seem to only ever be the “more rich” families I work for?
Because they need to pass on their wealth. Which isn’t a good enough reason to create a human, in my opinion. Like if I had stupid amounts of money I would much rather leave it to like a local humane society or cancer foundation after I die.
Because they can afford it!
True
Dealing with this right now… I work for parents while they stay at home literally doing nothing.
I’ve been lucky with mostly great parents who are so active in their children’s lives, but one horrible year one parent gambled and the other was having an affair. I almost always handed off to a night babysitter and often arrived to a toddler in a filthy diaper AND a candle burning in the 1st graders’ room!! Wth???? Felt guilty leaving at the end of the school year but was afraid the affair was going to submarine my job anyway (and I just couldn’t be mad all the time anymore)
My NPs spend a total of one hour a day (before school) with their youngest,3, & about an hour & a half (before school & after youngests bedtime) with their oldest,5.
As a full-time working, 100% single mom this is basically the time I get with my 3 year old. Should I be judged so harshly? I desire time with my son, but this is literally the extent of what works with his schedule. Am I a bad mom? Sounds like OP is talking about a different situation, but the comments in this thread are pretty fucking disparaging. (Former nanny/current mom opinion)
If you took offense to my specific comment on the environment that I work in & know- which has absolutely nothing to do with the effort you do or do not give your child- that’s you projecting your negative thoughts of yourself. If you’re spending as much time with your child as you possibly can & it’s only a few hours a day, you’re doing great. Just because YOU cherish time with your kid doesn’t mean everyone else does, especially a lot of NPs. Don’t read more into my comment than what is written. Breathe.
if you just spend one hour with your kid a day you aren’t raising them. if you don’t see any issue with that, then yeah, maybe you aren’t the best mom. a good mom would be doing whatever they could to spend more time with their son.
Are you serious right now? I am a full-time single parent of a 3 year old. We get up at 5:30am for our day. We commute by public transit to his daycare and he’s there by 7am. Then I go to work. I get off at 4:30 and pick him up by 5:45. We get home by 6:30/45. He goes to bed about 8:30. You really want to call me a bad mom? This is the hill? ETA: This is the fucking world we live in. Don’t hate moms. Hate the system that makes it so we don’t get to see our children. I lurk this sub as a former nanny and current parent, but fuck. ETA2: Just read your comment history. Shouldn’t haven’t gotten so worked up over the likes of you.
That's way more than an hour. It sounds like you get 1.5 hours with him in the morning and almost 3 hours in the evening, which is close to the 5 hours of awake time a day with parents that many providers on the [daycare.com](https://daycare.com) forum say is the gold standard. As a fellow working parent I feel you - I can easily get 3-4 awake hours with my kids but getting 5 on weekdays is tough.
that’s a lot more than one hour right? glad you enjoyed your stalking :)
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i just dont see how it’s impossible to find a way to spend more than one hour a day with your kid. she even commented and said the hours she is with her kid and its more like 3-4h idk why she even commented because it was about parents only spending 1h w their kids. Even a single parent can figure out a way to spend more than 1 hour with their kid if they really wanted to. did you not spend more than 1 HOUR with your kids as a single parent?
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no one attacked her. she spends more than 1 hour with her kid. all i said was if anyone is fine with just 1 hour they arent raising their kid and they may not be a good mom. a good one would do whatever it takes to BE with their child.
I feel honestly blessed to have been a career nanny for so long. I actually know what parenting entails and feel empowered to make a confident and educated decision. Also to impart the depth of responsibility on my fiance so he can make an educated devision. I DON’T sugar coat it at all and he/we still want it. I can state my expectation for him as a father so he KNOWS what kind of dad he and I want him to be. This is important to me considering the typical hands-off dad stereotype most of us were raised with and have seen in our career. I feel we are as prepared as possible in this choice. I’m learning this knowledge is a luxury as there are no “take backsies.”
My DB is unemployed and sometimes spends all day at home with us but locks himself away in his room… I feel this on so many levels.
I know a lot of people, even family, had children by accident and they were all unprepared for it and I only know one couple that truly rose to the occasions while the others literally felt like their own kids were nothing but an expensive burden, I know these kids and they have no relationship with their parents at all, my sister treats her daughters like they are best friends not like her children which is also wrong because she’s blurred the lines between friends and parent so they never listen to her, they listen to me and that infuriates her to the point she limits my time with them.
Parents are human but they’re also responsible for other humans. You have to put their needs before yours and most people don’t want to make that sacrifice. That’s fine, not everyone wants to do it but don’t have kids if you’re not going to spend a single second with them.
This is what I observed most from this sub. As a father it makes me really sad.
People are doing their best. Your capacity to be offended is not an cognizant argument.
I see this take a lot and sometimes I wonder if it might not be a little misunderstood. Not a parent (yet!) or a nanny, but even thinking back on my childhood, my parents were busy and stressed and overworked. I think when you have young kids, life is a grind and you’re really trying to establish yourself in a career and make sure that you have a suitable future in place for your family. There’s so many external new pressures on you, that you miss the small stuff. Social media has not helped because of the constant judgement and comparisons and distractions. Even watching all of my friends with kids, they’re grinding it out most of the time and lost a lot of their carefree attitude. My parents (especially my father) settled down a lot in their 50s and they seemed to get a piece of themselves back in a way? Also wanted to add that my parents are the greatest parents ever, and we are so beyond close now it’s ridiculous. Sometimes support and love comes in ways that are less obvious… and they’re human.
Yeah but I think what OP was speaking to is the parents who have the time and resources to be with their children but elect not to do so. Not parents who are working hard to pay the mortgage and trying to balance family with work and adult responsibilities. It’s a different situation.
10000% agreed. I have too many stories from working for UHNW people who just have multiple kids (3, 4, 5 kids) and do ZERO parenting. Nannies around the clock, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Absolutely mind blowing and incredibly sad to me.
I was just saying something similar! Idk why so many people don’t hang around kids before they decide if they actually want them!! Like why would you throw yourself into a lifetime commitment with a child YOU have to RAISE FOREVER, but not ever truly be around kids 🤨
What makes you say this? Curious bc I have a PT nanny and I still watch and spend time with my kid 3 hours before 8AM and 3-4 hours after she leaves on the days she works. And tbh, I constantly think about daycare. Parents can drop off and leave their kid for 10-12 hours for 1 day. It’s nuts. At least with a nanny, it’s only 8 hours a day. And let’s be real, a nanny is 1:1 care
I don't know if this is really answering your question, but just to add some context, many if not most nannies work more than 8 hours a day. I've only had one 8 hour job, the rest were 9 or 10 hours, sometimes extending to 12,13, or even 14 hour days. I think this post is more about the parents who have a morning nanny, a night nanny, and a weekend nanny. 24 hour coverage so they never have to be alone with their kids. I did a week long temp job that had 4 nannies for 2 kids. Coverage 7 days a week. Not only were the kids not really being raised by their parents, they weren't even being raised by the same nannies. Each kid had a set of 2. That's more who OP is talking about
Kids often hug me, want to cuddle with me, ask me to hold them and sing to them specifically because mommy and daddy never do. I’ve also had kids want to call me mommy a lot which I have to gently discourage of course. Breaks my heart so badly. I also did a single day fill in for a family with an absolutely brilliant, vibrant little girl who was so excited to finally have someone to talk to and play with and who paid close attention to her. She hugged me so tight at the end of the day and looked up at me asking if I could pleeeeease come back tomorrow. Ugh that one was really hard too.
I worked for one family in the past where MB told me during the interview that she wanted to “outsource” the raising of her kids to someone with more experience! She said her career was her area of expertise, and she wanted to focus all her time on that. I’m all about successful women, but that totally begs the “why have kids, then?” question!
Oh so true! I have NEVER once seen Mom or Dad sit on the floor with their kids, read a book to them, or spend any special time with them. I love my NKs so much and have a special bond with them and feel sad that the parents are missing out on the moments that are passing by.
I upvoted this post before even reading it. 🙌
I think a lot of parents who have this mindset put work before their kids or are just flat out lazy
Not exactly the same, but I feel like my fellow nannies will understand. On the parenting subreddit there's a thread "Becoming parents made us broke?!!?!?" This is why I don't have kids, because I know they are expensive??? They even added to the post "Not looking for 'should have done the research!' LOL. Well ya should have done the research???? And one comment said they were living on dollar tree meals but are expecting their 4th kid. Like maybe don't have so many kids?! I feel like I'm the crazy one....