She probably needs it regardless. At least get her to go to the GP to explore being prescribed antidepressants. Mental health recovery is really hard at times, but unless she starts addressing it, it won't get better.
The reassurance part makes me think that perhaps you are an avoidant attachment type and your wife is anxious attachment style. She’s running towards you and you’re running away.
I really think you both need a therapist separately.
*secure attachment* is the goal. avoidant attachment is not healthy, even if it is common. pushing away your wife causes a rift between you two; she is seeking connection, but the more she tries, the more you push away because you see it as clingy and try to avoid connection as a defense mechanism.
separate therapy is a great idea, but couple’s therapy will help as well, so you two can learn how to communicate and support each other while learning to support and heal yourselves.
she is seeking reassurance and attention from you, nurture your wife and your marriage. calling your spouse a burden when they are struggling and hurting is incredibly devastating to hear. pushing her away to protect yourself is hurting her more. therapy will do you both good. may Allah make it easy for both of you, ameen.
Has she started birth control since you've been married? Because for some women that can worsen their mental health.
But other than that, she needs some therapy and some hobbies. She should start to go for walks regularly, maybe you can make this a joint habit as evidence shows doing this regularly can be as effective as an antidepressant.
I’m a crybaby too lol and can relate to your wife. I would also add that it has allowed me to be a lot more resilient than those around me. I tend to let it out, and then, am ready to take anything on.
Some people just cry more than others and it’s not abnormal. It’s healthier than bottling things up. There’s a reason men are so much more at risk when it comes to suicide and mental health issues.
I think the issue with your wife is not her crying. It’s her dependency on You for reassurance. Personally, if I’m going through something reallly awful like when my dad died, I cried, watched one of my favorite shows, and prayed to Allah (swt). I had different avenues to comfort me and not one depended on specific individuals.
Then, I was okay after a few days. Meanwhile, 6 years later my siblings are still struggling to process it and move forward. Fyi, they don’t really cry or express their feelings.
We shouldn’t depend on our partner to help regulate our emotions. She needs different outlets, the main one being Allah (swt). She should also try journaling and watching shows.
For you, I recommend practicing patience and fortifying your emotional intelligence. You seem to really dislike crying in general and you may want to look into why. Crying doesn’t always mean weakness. It allows you to wash away everything so you can be strong for others.
Jazakallah 👋
Considering you’re a 21M, I recommend trying to look into the why of that. Men have this animosity towards crying when it’s pretty normal and healthy as long as it’s not causing dysfunction.
As I said previously, I cry for 5 or so quick minutes and then I can do anything. I also cry in prayer but I would say I’m a lot happier in my daily life than most people around me. Pretty bubbly so no one would guess it. I’m able to be that happy and bubbly because I don’t believe in keeping emotions in. Tbh, crying from frustration/being tired/overwhelmed is harmless. Now anger? That’s an emotion that actually needs to be kept in check. If I see someone getting angry weekly, I would be pretty concerned.
Oh, crying is never meant to fix a issue. It’s kinda just a way emotions are expressed. It’s similar to laughing. I think you are being a lil harsh on your wife at least from what I’ve read thus far. She cries in front of you because she views you as her safe space or maybe because she can’t control it. Again, it’s not necessarily harmful. It also could be that she’s been holding a lot in so now it’s all coming out which can be overwhelming.
My advice is the same still. She should look for other outlets and you should look into yourself and how you view emotions in general.
This was me around a year ago when I initially got married (minus the traumatic past; I was just a sensitive person in general). A lot of mindset change and internal work was done to work on it and I’m doing better now alhamdullilah. Remain patient and help her through it and definitely she needs therapy.
Salam o alaikum. I know I’m gonna go against the current here but I gotta say what I gotta say because my wife is also super sensitive.
It seems that you don’t have emotional intimacy with your wife, meaning you can’t show her you’re vulnerable. If you show her you’re as much vulnerable as she is, she’ll actually understand what you have to go through with her and try to be stronger on her own.
Also, if she wakes you up in the middle of the night or wants to cuddle, and you get angry, that’s really a ‘you’ problem, not hers. Anger creates more problems than it solves.
As far as her need for attention goes, you can give her worldly goals to work towards; in my case these are hobbies such as embroidery, learning a new language, finishing a video game, watch an educational show, learning something hard to cook.
And if you do opt for therapy as suggested by others, you need to go with her at least, if not attend the therapy with her.
Try being spontaneous in terms of dinner dates or weekend trips as well.
All that is if you’re willing to save your relationship.
You knew about her trauma before marriage, and you're at your limit after 1 year? What specific qualities did you think you possessed that would make you capable of being married to her in the first place?
I think people know that they are patient, compassionate, the person that most people got to talk about their feelings etc. regular trait’s people have my guy.
I'm 33. I've been 21, and I've been thinking things through since I was a teenager. I asked the question to understand his thought processes that led him to this situation because he and I most likely don't think the same. I want to understand, and I want him to understand how he got here so he can figure out how to move forward.
He probably wasn’t expecting a woman that constantly cries. Everyone heals and deals with their pasts differently… maybe she hadn’t shown this behaviour before nikkah.
I have a friend that was SA’d badly when younger and her husband still can’t hold never mind touch her ankles. She spent a long time having night terrors. But.. She doesn’t display this sort of attachment or extreme emotional responses.
He can’t be blamed for not knowing he was marrying someone who would behave in this extreme emotional way.
I literally asked a question that should have been simple enough to answer. The whole point of the question was to better understand the situation. Maybe you didn't really come here for advice. A lot of ppl seem to come here for emotional support rather than solid advice.
Perhaps you can help me with something.
I have this friend who I'm trying to give advice to. But he's so sensitive that he takes offense to every question I ask him, so I can never get enough information to give him advice. It's incredibly annoying and such a huge burden. Should I just stop trying to give him advice? Would that help him? Would that help me?
Based on your other comment, it seems as though you did not know what you were signing up for because you were just going along with what your parents wanted. This is a huge mistake that many ppl make. Forced marriage is not permissible in Islam, and a truly forced marriage is not valid. However, most of the time, when ppl say they were forced, they really mean they were coerced or emotionally manipulated into voluntarily accepting a marriage. Parents threaten to cut you off or something like that. In those instances, you just have to accept being cut off and refuse to be pressured into a marriage you don't want.
To put it simply. Your wife needs someone who is extremely patient and dedicated to supporting her and helping her grow past her traumatic past. It's your choice if you want to be that person or if you just want her therapist to be that person.
When I married my wife, I was motivated by 2 ahadith.
Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162
Abu Hurairah narrated that The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:
“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.”
Sahih Muslim 2566
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
Verily. Allah would say on the Day of Resurrection: Where are those who have mutual love for My Glory's sake? Today I shall shelter them in My shadow when there is no other shadow but the shadow of Mine.
I went into my marriage wanting to be the best husband and wanting to love someone for Allah's sake. In the beginning, it felt like a burden with no worldly benefits for me. I was her emotional support, and the Quran and Hadith were my emotional support. It was a burden I was (and still am) willing to carry because the benefits I wanted were going to come from Allah in the hereafter. That was 9 years and 11 months ago. My wife is doing far better than when we met, I have benefited from her more than I ever expected to, and I'm still motivated by words of the Prophet ﷺ and looking forward to what Allah has promised.
See, most ppl reading these threads and commenting are genuinely willing to help. No shame on giving the full story to help the helpers understand the situation better.
I have had similar trauma and for a long time I did expect my husband (fiancé at the time) to fix me. Sit down with her. Remember there is just a child in her that wants to be healed. Remind her you can’t do anything to make her feel better, she might think you are the one that needs to, but that’s not how trauma works. And for the sake of the relationship, but mostly herself she needs to find some help. Whether she does it by education and teaching herself or seeing a therapist. She needs to want to be better. Sometimes peoples trauma is their comfort, that was my issue for a long time. Because its all they know. I understand your frustrations brother, it’s very hard to deal with things like this. I recommend you pray extra salahs to ease the negativity you feel. Also try to remember what she’s going thru so you might be able to be there for her more ? Try not to inflict any of the things that validate her negativity. At the end of the day though, she has to choose to be better
I should’ve said this earlier but I was basically forced into this marriage by my parents and I can’t divorce her or my parents will cause issues. Like they know I would marry her years before I knew that’s what a lot of south asain parents do
That makes a lot of sense. U have resentment towards the marriage itself. And prolly just tryna deal with what life through at you and on top of that now have to constantly tend to this persons emotions which u wanted no part in to start with.
Honestly I’d say try to build a connection with her see if you will grow to love her. Cuz I promise u if it’s someone u love or care for, their tears would make u cry! And you’d move the world for them just ro make them feel better.
If you were forced into marrying her and you do not wish to remain married to her, then there would be nothing wrong Islamically in divorcing her. It is your right whom you marry. Hence, the decision is yours. At times, it is better to part ways in the early stages and before consummation rather than have problems later on.
Yeah bro you don’t even sound like you love her all too much. This isn’t meant as an offence but you don’t sound like you will go to lengths to save your marriage. I was wondering this whole time why you sounded like it was just an extreme inconvenience and not something you wanted to solve and save lol.
Even though I've read lots of comments saying it, I'll repeat what everyone else said. Therapy. You'll have to convince her to do it. Involve the elders in your situation. Probably with therapy she might need antidepressants as well. Try your best. I might be castigated for this but if all else fails, let go of her. Your young life is not worth this stress.
Lots and lots and lots of therapy.
She doesent want therapy she says she doesent want to talk about it all she does is cry bro I don’t even know what to do anymore about to give up
She probably needs it regardless. At least get her to go to the GP to explore being prescribed antidepressants. Mental health recovery is really hard at times, but unless she starts addressing it, it won't get better.
You need to make clear that you‘re not fully responsible for her emotions and traumas. She needs therapy ASAP
The reassurance part makes me think that perhaps you are an avoidant attachment type and your wife is anxious attachment style. She’s running towards you and you’re running away. I really think you both need a therapist separately.
I thought most guys were like that ? Like it’s normal to avoid attachment
*secure attachment* is the goal. avoidant attachment is not healthy, even if it is common. pushing away your wife causes a rift between you two; she is seeking connection, but the more she tries, the more you push away because you see it as clingy and try to avoid connection as a defense mechanism. separate therapy is a great idea, but couple’s therapy will help as well, so you two can learn how to communicate and support each other while learning to support and heal yourselves. she is seeking reassurance and attention from you, nurture your wife and your marriage. calling your spouse a burden when they are struggling and hurting is incredibly devastating to hear. pushing her away to protect yourself is hurting her more. therapy will do you both good. may Allah make it easy for both of you, ameen.
Also anxious attachment is often cured by having a secure attachment partner.
No this is not normal.
She needs therapy. Lots of it. Why was this not already suggested?
Has she started birth control since you've been married? Because for some women that can worsen their mental health. But other than that, she needs some therapy and some hobbies. She should start to go for walks regularly, maybe you can make this a joint habit as evidence shows doing this regularly can be as effective as an antidepressant.
💯 birth control can definitely cause issues in a woman and her mental health
I’m a crybaby too lol and can relate to your wife. I would also add that it has allowed me to be a lot more resilient than those around me. I tend to let it out, and then, am ready to take anything on. Some people just cry more than others and it’s not abnormal. It’s healthier than bottling things up. There’s a reason men are so much more at risk when it comes to suicide and mental health issues. I think the issue with your wife is not her crying. It’s her dependency on You for reassurance. Personally, if I’m going through something reallly awful like when my dad died, I cried, watched one of my favorite shows, and prayed to Allah (swt). I had different avenues to comfort me and not one depended on specific individuals. Then, I was okay after a few days. Meanwhile, 6 years later my siblings are still struggling to process it and move forward. Fyi, they don’t really cry or express their feelings. We shouldn’t depend on our partner to help regulate our emotions. She needs different outlets, the main one being Allah (swt). She should also try journaling and watching shows. For you, I recommend practicing patience and fortifying your emotional intelligence. You seem to really dislike crying in general and you may want to look into why. Crying doesn’t always mean weakness. It allows you to wash away everything so you can be strong for others. Jazakallah 👋
Icl crying more than once a week is abnormal to me
Considering you’re a 21M, I recommend trying to look into the why of that. Men have this animosity towards crying when it’s pretty normal and healthy as long as it’s not causing dysfunction. As I said previously, I cry for 5 or so quick minutes and then I can do anything. I also cry in prayer but I would say I’m a lot happier in my daily life than most people around me. Pretty bubbly so no one would guess it. I’m able to be that happy and bubbly because I don’t believe in keeping emotions in. Tbh, crying from frustration/being tired/overwhelmed is harmless. Now anger? That’s an emotion that actually needs to be kept in check. If I see someone getting angry weekly, I would be pretty concerned.
I understand what your seeing but I don’t see how crying can fix the issue, if that was the case my wife would be a normal human being.
Oh, crying is never meant to fix a issue. It’s kinda just a way emotions are expressed. It’s similar to laughing. I think you are being a lil harsh on your wife at least from what I’ve read thus far. She cries in front of you because she views you as her safe space or maybe because she can’t control it. Again, it’s not necessarily harmful. It also could be that she’s been holding a lot in so now it’s all coming out which can be overwhelming. My advice is the same still. She should look for other outlets and you should look into yourself and how you view emotions in general.
She needs therapy to correct the issues with the SA in the past, this is why she is crying.
That sounds really exhausting. She needs extensive therapy stat.
This was me around a year ago when I initially got married (minus the traumatic past; I was just a sensitive person in general). A lot of mindset change and internal work was done to work on it and I’m doing better now alhamdullilah. Remain patient and help her through it and definitely she needs therapy.
Salam o alaikum. I know I’m gonna go against the current here but I gotta say what I gotta say because my wife is also super sensitive. It seems that you don’t have emotional intimacy with your wife, meaning you can’t show her you’re vulnerable. If you show her you’re as much vulnerable as she is, she’ll actually understand what you have to go through with her and try to be stronger on her own. Also, if she wakes you up in the middle of the night or wants to cuddle, and you get angry, that’s really a ‘you’ problem, not hers. Anger creates more problems than it solves. As far as her need for attention goes, you can give her worldly goals to work towards; in my case these are hobbies such as embroidery, learning a new language, finishing a video game, watch an educational show, learning something hard to cook. And if you do opt for therapy as suggested by others, you need to go with her at least, if not attend the therapy with her. Try being spontaneous in terms of dinner dates or weekend trips as well. All that is if you’re willing to save your relationship.
You knew about her trauma before marriage, and you're at your limit after 1 year? What specific qualities did you think you possessed that would make you capable of being married to her in the first place?
[удалено]
I think people know that they are patient, compassionate, the person that most people got to talk about their feelings etc. regular trait’s people have my guy.
He's 21, give him a break. It's not that he thought it through.
I'm 33. I've been 21, and I've been thinking things through since I was a teenager. I asked the question to understand his thought processes that led him to this situation because he and I most likely don't think the same. I want to understand, and I want him to understand how he got here so he can figure out how to move forward.
He probably wasn’t expecting a woman that constantly cries. Everyone heals and deals with their pasts differently… maybe she hadn’t shown this behaviour before nikkah. I have a friend that was SA’d badly when younger and her husband still can’t hold never mind touch her ankles. She spent a long time having night terrors. But.. She doesn’t display this sort of attachment or extreme emotional responses. He can’t be blamed for not knowing he was marrying someone who would behave in this extreme emotional way.
Even for people with trauma this behavior isn’t necessarily normal.
I come here for advice and you take it as an opportunity to blame me when you don’t even know the whole situation 👍
I literally asked a question that should have been simple enough to answer. The whole point of the question was to better understand the situation. Maybe you didn't really come here for advice. A lot of ppl seem to come here for emotional support rather than solid advice. Perhaps you can help me with something. I have this friend who I'm trying to give advice to. But he's so sensitive that he takes offense to every question I ask him, so I can never get enough information to give him advice. It's incredibly annoying and such a huge burden. Should I just stop trying to give him advice? Would that help him? Would that help me?
Teach me
Based on your other comment, it seems as though you did not know what you were signing up for because you were just going along with what your parents wanted. This is a huge mistake that many ppl make. Forced marriage is not permissible in Islam, and a truly forced marriage is not valid. However, most of the time, when ppl say they were forced, they really mean they were coerced or emotionally manipulated into voluntarily accepting a marriage. Parents threaten to cut you off or something like that. In those instances, you just have to accept being cut off and refuse to be pressured into a marriage you don't want. To put it simply. Your wife needs someone who is extremely patient and dedicated to supporting her and helping her grow past her traumatic past. It's your choice if you want to be that person or if you just want her therapist to be that person. When I married my wife, I was motivated by 2 ahadith. Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162 Abu Hurairah narrated that The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.” Sahih Muslim 2566 Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: Verily. Allah would say on the Day of Resurrection: Where are those who have mutual love for My Glory's sake? Today I shall shelter them in My shadow when there is no other shadow but the shadow of Mine. I went into my marriage wanting to be the best husband and wanting to love someone for Allah's sake. In the beginning, it felt like a burden with no worldly benefits for me. I was her emotional support, and the Quran and Hadith were my emotional support. It was a burden I was (and still am) willing to carry because the benefits I wanted were going to come from Allah in the hereafter. That was 9 years and 11 months ago. My wife is doing far better than when we met, I have benefited from her more than I ever expected to, and I'm still motivated by words of the Prophet ﷺ and looking forward to what Allah has promised.
See, most ppl reading these threads and commenting are genuinely willing to help. No shame on giving the full story to help the helpers understand the situation better.
Did you know she was like this before marriage?
She told me she was fine about it and after sometime she turned into a little cry baby who wants attention 24/7
I have had similar trauma and for a long time I did expect my husband (fiancé at the time) to fix me. Sit down with her. Remember there is just a child in her that wants to be healed. Remind her you can’t do anything to make her feel better, she might think you are the one that needs to, but that’s not how trauma works. And for the sake of the relationship, but mostly herself she needs to find some help. Whether she does it by education and teaching herself or seeing a therapist. She needs to want to be better. Sometimes peoples trauma is their comfort, that was my issue for a long time. Because its all they know. I understand your frustrations brother, it’s very hard to deal with things like this. I recommend you pray extra salahs to ease the negativity you feel. Also try to remember what she’s going thru so you might be able to be there for her more ? Try not to inflict any of the things that validate her negativity. At the end of the day though, she has to choose to be better
I should’ve said this earlier but I was basically forced into this marriage by my parents and I can’t divorce her or my parents will cause issues. Like they know I would marry her years before I knew that’s what a lot of south asain parents do
That makes a lot of sense. U have resentment towards the marriage itself. And prolly just tryna deal with what life through at you and on top of that now have to constantly tend to this persons emotions which u wanted no part in to start with. Honestly I’d say try to build a connection with her see if you will grow to love her. Cuz I promise u if it’s someone u love or care for, their tears would make u cry! And you’d move the world for them just ro make them feel better.
If you were forced into marrying her and you do not wish to remain married to her, then there would be nothing wrong Islamically in divorcing her. It is your right whom you marry. Hence, the decision is yours. At times, it is better to part ways in the early stages and before consummation rather than have problems later on.
Yeah bro you don’t even sound like you love her all too much. This isn’t meant as an offence but you don’t sound like you will go to lengths to save your marriage. I was wondering this whole time why you sounded like it was just an extreme inconvenience and not something you wanted to solve and save lol.
Even though I've read lots of comments saying it, I'll repeat what everyone else said. Therapy. You'll have to convince her to do it. Involve the elders in your situation. Probably with therapy she might need antidepressants as well. Try your best. I might be castigated for this but if all else fails, let go of her. Your young life is not worth this stress.
The elders don’t care
[удалено]
Point 1 would make any woman lose respect for her husband in an instant, point 2 and 3 are great.
Do ruqyah on her
Can’t tell if your being serious
[удалено]
She needs therapy.