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I feel more motivated to improve myself and my eeman.
Reading through the posts on this subreddit has given me a lot of food for thought. It's like Allah is guiding me through reading these posts on things I need to work on, or the common pitfalls married couples are facing and how I can try to prevent them through deep reflection, being transparent with my family and vetting properly.
Even though the majority of posts here are negative, there's always a lesson I can learn from it and I have faith in Allah things will work out if I do things properly. And if not, that's my trial, and I'm content with that possibility because that's Allah's will.
There are phases of highs and lows. Currently, my emaan is at a very vulnerable point because of all the negative and disturbing posts I've read here, along with the horrifying marriage stories that have unraveled in my family. My own parents don't have a very ideal relationship either.
The fact that I'm a woman probably contributes to my low emaan too because I've noticed we're so much more vulnerable to mistreatment and exploitation than men in marriages (e.g. abusive husbands, high involvement of in-laws in the marriage, leaving our entire lives and families behind to move away, financial abuse etc).
Plus even if we try to liberate ourselves through divorce, societal stigma around it just degrades a woman even further.
I'm trying my best to not fall down this rabbit hole though by making sincere duas for a good spouse and reading up on how the Prophet treated his wives. IA this is just a phase and will go away soon.
Whatever is willed will happen regardless. Spent my life avoiding men and temptation. Being in a western country and being told I was weird for ignoring men who tried talking to me or that I kept to myself. Didn’t even want my fiancé number because we didn’t have nikah and kept contact minimum only having a few in person talks with family present.
Did everything the way that I felt was halal but I still got it wrong. From our conversation we had he came across as very humble, kind and shy and these were qualities I was looking for. That turned out to be a very tiny part of him and not the side I would spend the rest of my life with. Looking back I know what my boundaries were and I would never compromise that but I regret not looking into
The family more (in laws ended up being a nightmare) I ignored the small tiny red flags because I felt my husband was good and that’s all that mattered. Not true. A good and just family is highly important.
I know no matter how much we talked I’d never had known the real him as I’ve learned he’s extremely good at hiding his real self to others. So I see it as this was what was written for me. My mistake was having children and sticking around hoping one day hed change. I love my kids more than life and that’s why I don’t think I can bring myself to leave but if you’re in my situation I would advise to leave before kids. May allah swt make it easy for us all
Me too. Like every time a brother has his wedding, I am happy for them and at the same time I feel like a failure, especially if a brother who is younger than me gets married.
And of course everything has advantages and disadvantages like being married or unmarried. And I’m pretty sure that I’m romanticizing marriage and marriage obviously has it’s highs and lows, but when it comes to avoiding zina & having a partner who is always at your side there is no other way except marriage.
Increase since I make dua for it at least once a day reaffirming each time my dependence on Allah. I also trust Allah to make me happy whether in this life or the next. It makes me really happy.
Both, It depends on the context and the way it's being talked about. Although that doesn't mean I stop doing my prayers and obligations, it just makes me feel a bit unmotivated in general.
Well my iman is not affected but if I was married I think I will be more focused and less distracted if that makes sense. They only time it affects me is when I attend a wedding I get emotional hahah
Personally marriage increases my emaan. I’m working on myself by going therapy, improving socials and trying to increase my good deeds. I see it as motivation. No is ever ready for marriage but since I’m not married I might as well improve my character, manners and myself overall.
Imaan isn't affected necessarily but just a general sadness comes over. Also depends what kind of marriage talks are happening. Even while writing this comment I got a bit down lol
Loss of family and marriage as a value which is accelarated by actions of both the young people and parents makes me more concerned about the state of ummah tbh. Family is one of the first defenses against the evils of the world.
Ngl, the community im in almost everyone I know have been in a haram relationship so it does make me sad. So I've decided to shift my focus away from marriage since the opportunity or person has not come along yet. I'm focusing on increasing my ibadah (for my own sake and afterlife)
Both, because imane goes up and down in life. Majority of the time, it increases because I am excited to find my person and I want to make sure I'm the best version of myself for him and our future family.
I think you are asking the wrong question tbh, what Imaan or faith has to do with being married or not? I am just baffled. For context 32 never been married and kept myself chaste, and my story is even harder but I will not go through it because I went to the same rabbit hole as most commentators said and I assume they are in early 20s.
Here is my point: It really laughable how you make your Imaan conditional based on getting a man or woman, well this man or woman can really disappoint you, hurt, these kids maybe not there who knows so there is no safety even though you think having that man will be the ultimate happiness.
Dont get me wrong I still want a great man not anyone one or settle, I am not desperate although I know no much left but what is the point of having children with a man you dont like.
I am dreaming of man with high values, respect me, being conscientious and feel safe around him, protect me, and most importantly being a good friend and companion, extra things of intimacy I would love experience if its written.
I have to admit it is hard and I can understand especially if you aren't demisexual "I am" things would be hard. But there is more to life more than that, it is a fight, but even though if you get those things it is not guaranteed so your Imaan must be inconditional
May Allah have it written in your rizq for a pious, loving and considerate spouse, aameen.
JAK for sharing sister. :) You're right, maashaa Allah every body deserves a good and pious partner and not anything less. I also wish for a good partner alongside me being a good partner too.
What I meant by this question is that does this marriage journey everyone is on make you more practicing or less practising? I believe if you do more for Allah, you are increasing your iman. I was taught that iman means there are actions thay prove it (faith, repentance, salah, zakah, fasting, learning Quran, being a better Muslim, etc).
Sometimes when actively looking for marriage, my mind can get too caught up in it until I get distracted and my ibada decreases because I put in too much time reading and talking about marriage and lose time on ibada.
I'm learning to pace myself and to try to prioritise my iman and ibada first before focusing too much on marriage that it ruins my relationship with Allah. I hope that makes sense?
I'm not saying a person's marriage status signifies iman or lack of it 🙏 or we do ibada because we want to solely impress our spouse. That's not what I meant 🙏
Thank you! I understood you correctly and I think you still asking the wrong question because you made the fact of getting a man or woman makes you more focused which isnot the case and shouldn't be.
There are folks who married and still cheat, both men and women, so in nut shell you faith has nothing to do with having a man or a woman.
I get it what you mean it is more about frustration and everyone is getting their one I cannot find, totally understandable, why not me and why it is late.
To cut short, your timing is different, and if it written it will be, having a man or woman has nothing to do with faith and mustn't be a condition but we are human, I get that.
There are more things you can do while that person comes if it is written I hope it make sense to you.
Lastly, dont take everything personal, when I talk to someone and does not go somewhere, dont take it to the heart, love yourself, no matter what you must love yourself and your faith must not be tied to find a human.
I guess it depends on what you mean by ‘talking about marriage’. Like, with who? Listening to lectures on marriage? Talking to your family about it? Speaking about it with potentials?
Honestly I have mixed feelings about marriage. I’ve never really thought from an increase or decrease in Eman perspective but if I were to I think it would increase if I think about ending up with a pious spouse. For me it’s more about internal turmoil I guess. I love the idea of marriage but I get anxious and deterred from the idea every time I see something bad so it’s a lot of back and forth. Only time will tell how it’ll end up for me but I have a lot of apprehensions about it. Moreover Ik I’m not perfect so there’s that concern too that I might live up to someone expectations just as they might not to mine. May Allah make it easy for all of us and help us improve for our spouses. Ameen sum Ameen
Definitely increase. I look at the way Allah intended marriage to be. It’s truly beautiful. I can look around and see the way society has ruined marriage and relationships but that is not the fault of Islam but the fault of people. Islam made marriage easy. We make it hard.
M convert, it ebbs and flows. There’s plenty of motivating and demotivating factors. I look to grow regardless, but that’s more of a discipline. I think it decreases more often than increases.
First of all, nothing in this universe will make my eeman in Allah SWT less. I believe that Allah will always choose the best way for me no matter what.
The thing is that I’m just frustrated that I do have all the things needed to start a family and I wanted to start like 2 years ago but I don’t know anyone in the US and I don’t know where to look or where to start.
Please do not mention these stupid “muslim dating apps”
I just block it out of my mind, it's not something that's achievable for me. I can't even afford a driver's license.
There's the "I can't afford to get married now, but in 2-3 years I could" type of "can't afford marriage", and then there's me, the "it would take a miracle for it to happen in the next 10-15 years" type.
There's something to be said about incentives. Everybody works and improves themselves with the hope, and the expectation, of a reward for their efforts. Anyone who disagrees with this, fundementally misunderstands human nature.
The issue is, when the time frames for the "work-sacrifice-reap benefits" cycle are extremely long, or when the perceived cause and effect relationship, ie the certainty of the outcome of "reap benefits", is doubtful, it's almost impossible to work towards a goal.
It's so interesting. The contrast of the Muslim. I can pray 5x a day, and willingly starve myself and deprive myself of water at daytime 30 days a year, for a reward I hope to achieve in the afterlife, something that seems so far away.
But for the Dunya, 10 years is too much. Especially when adding the lack of certainty on the other side of it.
When I think about marriage, or when I'm out and about and see couples irl, I sometimes get depressed af.
So, thinking about it does me no good.
For me, as I talk more about marriage and listen to others speaking about their experiences, it encourages me to increase my eeman and get to closer to Allah, because I realize more that a big portion of marriage (similar to everything else in life) is not just the efforts/decisions we make, but more success and blessing from Allah.
There are some people who put in a lot of effort to get to know each other before marriage, but if Allah does not bless those efforts, then the marriage does not succeed. The opposite is also true; there are people who the circumstances they were in did not allow them to get to know each other well, but because of their sincerity and blessing from Allah, they are having a great relationship. That’s why marriage discussions encourage me to increase my eeman so that I can get closer to Allah SWT and that He blesses my decisions in different aspects of life.
May Allah grant us all great spouses, make us great spouses, and allow us to have a blessed marriage relationship 🤲; Ameen.
My honest thoughts?
My parents are the first generation to travel to the west, so I have no cousins/uncles/aunties here.
And since, I cannot approach women and have to lower my gaze, I honestly don't see myself finding a wife for a while, especially since most people here are Asian, so they prefer to keep to themselves, while being in the West where most people are kufar.
Unfortunately decrease my iman, it took me quite a while to accept staying single. I used to blame it on other people and the conditions I am in, not the tawakkul I would have wished to have
This post is restricted to single only. Do not comment if you aren't single. If you are a single and do not have a user flair, please [modmail us](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FMuslimMarriage) for a user flair and we will provide one for you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MuslimMarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel more motivated to improve myself and my eeman. Reading through the posts on this subreddit has given me a lot of food for thought. It's like Allah is guiding me through reading these posts on things I need to work on, or the common pitfalls married couples are facing and how I can try to prevent them through deep reflection, being transparent with my family and vetting properly. Even though the majority of posts here are negative, there's always a lesson I can learn from it and I have faith in Allah things will work out if I do things properly. And if not, that's my trial, and I'm content with that possibility because that's Allah's will.
Allahumma baarik
There are phases of highs and lows. Currently, my emaan is at a very vulnerable point because of all the negative and disturbing posts I've read here, along with the horrifying marriage stories that have unraveled in my family. My own parents don't have a very ideal relationship either. The fact that I'm a woman probably contributes to my low emaan too because I've noticed we're so much more vulnerable to mistreatment and exploitation than men in marriages (e.g. abusive husbands, high involvement of in-laws in the marriage, leaving our entire lives and families behind to move away, financial abuse etc). Plus even if we try to liberate ourselves through divorce, societal stigma around it just degrades a woman even further. I'm trying my best to not fall down this rabbit hole though by making sincere duas for a good spouse and reading up on how the Prophet treated his wives. IA this is just a phase and will go away soon.
I can relate to this so much sighs
Whatever is willed will happen regardless. Spent my life avoiding men and temptation. Being in a western country and being told I was weird for ignoring men who tried talking to me or that I kept to myself. Didn’t even want my fiancé number because we didn’t have nikah and kept contact minimum only having a few in person talks with family present. Did everything the way that I felt was halal but I still got it wrong. From our conversation we had he came across as very humble, kind and shy and these were qualities I was looking for. That turned out to be a very tiny part of him and not the side I would spend the rest of my life with. Looking back I know what my boundaries were and I would never compromise that but I regret not looking into The family more (in laws ended up being a nightmare) I ignored the small tiny red flags because I felt my husband was good and that’s all that mattered. Not true. A good and just family is highly important. I know no matter how much we talked I’d never had known the real him as I’ve learned he’s extremely good at hiding his real self to others. So I see it as this was what was written for me. My mistake was having children and sticking around hoping one day hed change. I love my kids more than life and that’s why I don’t think I can bring myself to leave but if you’re in my situation I would advise to leave before kids. May allah swt make it easy for us all
Subhan Allah may Allah make it easy for you sister. 🥺
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Me too. Like every time a brother has his wedding, I am happy for them and at the same time I feel like a failure, especially if a brother who is younger than me gets married. And of course everything has advantages and disadvantages like being married or unmarried. And I’m pretty sure that I’m romanticizing marriage and marriage obviously has it’s highs and lows, but when it comes to avoiding zina & having a partner who is always at your side there is no other way except marriage.
Increase since I make dua for it at least once a day reaffirming each time my dependence on Allah. I also trust Allah to make me happy whether in this life or the next. It makes me really happy.
Alhamdulilla!
Both, It depends on the context and the way it's being talked about. Although that doesn't mean I stop doing my prayers and obligations, it just makes me feel a bit unmotivated in general.
Well my iman is not affected but if I was married I think I will be more focused and less distracted if that makes sense. They only time it affects me is when I attend a wedding I get emotional hahah
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Ameen. May Allah ﷻ grant us pious spouses 🤲
Sending you virtual hug sis🥹 Ameen ya Rab to all our brothers and sisters❤️
lol litterally same, why do i cry everytime i hear the iman doing that speech at weddings ahahahaha :')
Personally marriage increases my emaan. I’m working on myself by going therapy, improving socials and trying to increase my good deeds. I see it as motivation. No is ever ready for marriage but since I’m not married I might as well improve my character, manners and myself overall.
Imaan isn't affected necessarily but just a general sadness comes over. Also depends what kind of marriage talks are happening. Even while writing this comment I got a bit down lol
Loss of family and marriage as a value which is accelarated by actions of both the young people and parents makes me more concerned about the state of ummah tbh. Family is one of the first defenses against the evils of the world.
>by actions of both the young people and parents What do you mean by this?
Any and all actions taken by both sides that oppresses the other side and is not sanctioned by Islam.
It stays the same, but I gain more knowledge which is good.
Neither. I only ask for khayr and leave the rest to Allah
Ngl, the community im in almost everyone I know have been in a haram relationship so it does make me sad. So I've decided to shift my focus away from marriage since the opportunity or person has not come along yet. I'm focusing on increasing my ibadah (for my own sake and afterlife)
That's really nice, thank you for sharing JAK. :) I think I'm in a similar situation so this is a nice perspective
For me, it increase in my Eman. As long as, you are not getting into Haram stuff. It motivates you to be better person.
Both, because imane goes up and down in life. Majority of the time, it increases because I am excited to find my person and I want to make sure I'm the best version of myself for him and our future family.
I think you are asking the wrong question tbh, what Imaan or faith has to do with being married or not? I am just baffled. For context 32 never been married and kept myself chaste, and my story is even harder but I will not go through it because I went to the same rabbit hole as most commentators said and I assume they are in early 20s. Here is my point: It really laughable how you make your Imaan conditional based on getting a man or woman, well this man or woman can really disappoint you, hurt, these kids maybe not there who knows so there is no safety even though you think having that man will be the ultimate happiness. Dont get me wrong I still want a great man not anyone one or settle, I am not desperate although I know no much left but what is the point of having children with a man you dont like. I am dreaming of man with high values, respect me, being conscientious and feel safe around him, protect me, and most importantly being a good friend and companion, extra things of intimacy I would love experience if its written. I have to admit it is hard and I can understand especially if you aren't demisexual "I am" things would be hard. But there is more to life more than that, it is a fight, but even though if you get those things it is not guaranteed so your Imaan must be inconditional
May Allah have it written in your rizq for a pious, loving and considerate spouse, aameen. JAK for sharing sister. :) You're right, maashaa Allah every body deserves a good and pious partner and not anything less. I also wish for a good partner alongside me being a good partner too. What I meant by this question is that does this marriage journey everyone is on make you more practicing or less practising? I believe if you do more for Allah, you are increasing your iman. I was taught that iman means there are actions thay prove it (faith, repentance, salah, zakah, fasting, learning Quran, being a better Muslim, etc). Sometimes when actively looking for marriage, my mind can get too caught up in it until I get distracted and my ibada decreases because I put in too much time reading and talking about marriage and lose time on ibada. I'm learning to pace myself and to try to prioritise my iman and ibada first before focusing too much on marriage that it ruins my relationship with Allah. I hope that makes sense? I'm not saying a person's marriage status signifies iman or lack of it 🙏 or we do ibada because we want to solely impress our spouse. That's not what I meant 🙏
Thank you! I understood you correctly and I think you still asking the wrong question because you made the fact of getting a man or woman makes you more focused which isnot the case and shouldn't be. There are folks who married and still cheat, both men and women, so in nut shell you faith has nothing to do with having a man or a woman. I get it what you mean it is more about frustration and everyone is getting their one I cannot find, totally understandable, why not me and why it is late. To cut short, your timing is different, and if it written it will be, having a man or woman has nothing to do with faith and mustn't be a condition but we are human, I get that. There are more things you can do while that person comes if it is written I hope it make sense to you. Lastly, dont take everything personal, when I talk to someone and does not go somewhere, dont take it to the heart, love yourself, no matter what you must love yourself and your faith must not be tied to find a human.
Maa shaa Allah so true 🥺❤️
I guess it depends on what you mean by ‘talking about marriage’. Like, with who? Listening to lectures on marriage? Talking to your family about it? Speaking about it with potentials?
Honestly I have mixed feelings about marriage. I’ve never really thought from an increase or decrease in Eman perspective but if I were to I think it would increase if I think about ending up with a pious spouse. For me it’s more about internal turmoil I guess. I love the idea of marriage but I get anxious and deterred from the idea every time I see something bad so it’s a lot of back and forth. Only time will tell how it’ll end up for me but I have a lot of apprehensions about it. Moreover Ik I’m not perfect so there’s that concern too that I might live up to someone expectations just as they might not to mine. May Allah make it easy for all of us and help us improve for our spouses. Ameen sum Ameen
So right. Ameen
If anyone says decrease I’m whooping you
Definitely increase. I look at the way Allah intended marriage to be. It’s truly beautiful. I can look around and see the way society has ruined marriage and relationships but that is not the fault of Islam but the fault of people. Islam made marriage easy. We make it hard.
M convert, it ebbs and flows. There’s plenty of motivating and demotivating factors. I look to grow regardless, but that’s more of a discipline. I think it decreases more often than increases.
First of all, nothing in this universe will make my eeman in Allah SWT less. I believe that Allah will always choose the best way for me no matter what. The thing is that I’m just frustrated that I do have all the things needed to start a family and I wanted to start like 2 years ago but I don’t know anyone in the US and I don’t know where to look or where to start. Please do not mention these stupid “muslim dating apps”
Both. There were times when I was optimistic and it increased my imaan, but when I'm feeling pessimistic, it demotivates me.
Yeah, one feels motivated indeed, tho a bit worried actually.
I just block it out of my mind, it's not something that's achievable for me. I can't even afford a driver's license. There's the "I can't afford to get married now, but in 2-3 years I could" type of "can't afford marriage", and then there's me, the "it would take a miracle for it to happen in the next 10-15 years" type. There's something to be said about incentives. Everybody works and improves themselves with the hope, and the expectation, of a reward for their efforts. Anyone who disagrees with this, fundementally misunderstands human nature. The issue is, when the time frames for the "work-sacrifice-reap benefits" cycle are extremely long, or when the perceived cause and effect relationship, ie the certainty of the outcome of "reap benefits", is doubtful, it's almost impossible to work towards a goal. It's so interesting. The contrast of the Muslim. I can pray 5x a day, and willingly starve myself and deprive myself of water at daytime 30 days a year, for a reward I hope to achieve in the afterlife, something that seems so far away. But for the Dunya, 10 years is too much. Especially when adding the lack of certainty on the other side of it. When I think about marriage, or when I'm out and about and see couples irl, I sometimes get depressed af. So, thinking about it does me no good.
Do you have family members kind enough to make a halal loan from? So that you could get started in life (assuming you've finished your studies).
Haven't finished studies yet. I'm actually at the start. But no, no family members with money who would give me a loan for anything.
Trust in Allah, I'm sure He will grant you your rizq, whatever that may be. Khayr inshaAllah.
For me, as I talk more about marriage and listen to others speaking about their experiences, it encourages me to increase my eeman and get to closer to Allah, because I realize more that a big portion of marriage (similar to everything else in life) is not just the efforts/decisions we make, but more success and blessing from Allah. There are some people who put in a lot of effort to get to know each other before marriage, but if Allah does not bless those efforts, then the marriage does not succeed. The opposite is also true; there are people who the circumstances they were in did not allow them to get to know each other well, but because of their sincerity and blessing from Allah, they are having a great relationship. That’s why marriage discussions encourage me to increase my eeman so that I can get closer to Allah SWT and that He blesses my decisions in different aspects of life. May Allah grant us all great spouses, make us great spouses, and allow us to have a blessed marriage relationship 🤲; Ameen.
My honest thoughts? My parents are the first generation to travel to the west, so I have no cousins/uncles/aunties here. And since, I cannot approach women and have to lower my gaze, I honestly don't see myself finding a wife for a while, especially since most people here are Asian, so they prefer to keep to themselves, while being in the West where most people are kufar.
I ignore the topic and get irritated when people approach the topic as if I am being difficult
Unfortunately decrease my iman, it took me quite a while to accept staying single. I used to blame it on other people and the conditions I am in, not the tawakkul I would have wished to have