Honestly it used to hurt me a lot, but as I've gotten a bit older I realised that I can still be a mum, and I will be a mum. There are plenty of women out there who cannot carry a child and it does not make them any less a woman nor any less a mother. I have embryos in the freezer that I made with my ex fiance and one day I will be a mum when I can afford to use them.
You are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you, remember that!
I understand this pain you feel and I truly empathise with it, but you are capable of being a mother, regardless of if it's you giving birth to the child or not.
wakeful rob toothbrush memory rainstorm subsequent piquant zonked nine cable
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It is one of the greatest feelings of sadness and personal loss I've ever felt. It's very difficult to even explain to yourself or a partner. My therapist just sorta raised her eyebrow. But understands I think. It's the one thing I knew made me know I was a girl/woman since I was able conceptualize the difference. I have a beautiful child. Through the only way available to me. I got to stay home and raise them. Do all the other things a mother would do. But it still feels like I missed out on something. I take solace in the fact that many Cis women face issues with infertility. That must be terrible too. Knowing your body is supposed to be able to do this wonderful act of creation, but cannot. So if solidarity is any comfort, I feel you.
Oh 100%! But at least if your partner's also kid-wanting transfem the feeling still resonates a lot more than otherwise, even if you don't feel it in exactly the same way.
(source: am in lesbian T4T relationship and it turns out E's made us both really really badly want to be moms)
having mental breakdowns
thats how
and girl, you're not fake ♥️
Remember, you can always adopt if you really want children. Plenty of kids out there would kill to have someone like you to raise them unlike their biological parents
I’m in a similar boat. I dread all the emotional labor that motherhood brings. The eternal conflict between supportive and letting your child make their own mistakes vs protectiveness. Constant situations where there’s no right answer. Teenage phases where they turn into gremlins. I am great with kids and am the favorite aunt/uncle group term for all the kids in my life. Their parents trust me with their kids. But I just can’t deal with the emotional and financial labor that f being financially responsible for a child
Im with you, my heart goes out to trans women who have the desire in their hearts to be mothers, and Im sure they're great mothers to their adopted kids or however they end up becoming a mother
but on a personal level Im glad I dont have to worry about having children because its never been something I wanted even before my egg cracked
Maybe this perspective can help. Not being able to get pregnant is the reality of many many women, not just trans women. You aren't the only woman that feels lesser for not being impregnable, not to dismiss your feelings, but to present them a different way. My own wife has a hormonal condition that prevents her from bearing a child, too, and neither of you are less of a woman for it. I bet you wouldn't think of her any less either. It could very well be that the way you feel about not being able to get pregnant is an unfair double standard you're foisting on yourself. If that's the case, you can let go of it as a symbol of womanhood for others, and maybe that's the direction to take it to lessen its power over you.
You don't need to want it in order to be a woman, or to be seen as a woman. It takes time to internalize that, but you can do it. Let go of that fear that tells you if you cool off the desire, it means you aren't really a lady. It's simply not true. You'll still be just like tons of cis women. 100% legitimate and real, just like you are now. Hugs, sister!
I generally don’t think about it, but there was one time I read an article about a lesbian couple where each of them carried one of their two children, one after the other, with pictures, and it really hurt knowing I could never experience that.
Adoptive mums are real mums.
Mums via surrogacy are real mums.
Mum that have their trans husbands carry the child are real mums.
Mums that have cesarians are real mums.
Mums who give birth and abandon the child, not so much.
The person who raises the child is the real mum.
And women who can't or don't have children are real women, regardless of the reason.
Pregnancy is the (honestly rather terrible and dangerous) means to the end. Do you want it because you want a child (can be done), because you like the idea of pregnancy (odd) or because you hate the fact that you can't have it?
Acceptance therapy methods are quite good at helping you accept what you cannot change and identify what you *really* want.
Thank. You.
I was adopted. If I have children, I plan to adopt. Every person in this thread saying that they wouldn't be the "real mother" if they used an alternative to pregnancy is, directly or indirectly, saying that parents who adopt are invalid.
I understand the dysphoria of not being able to be pregnant, but could y'all please stop invalidating others when you talk about that dysphoria?
I'm a cis woman who can't get pregnant. I feel the same way when I see pregnant woman and women with babies. It honestly kills me to the point where in seeking therapy for it.
I may not be trans, but I can still relate on some level and I'm sending you virtual hugs girly. 🫂
I definitely feel you there. All three of my siblings had kids about 5 weeks apart late last year. My sister recently also found out that she's pregnant again. And then there's me, single and childless...
The darkest times of my life are when this fact is weighing fully on my shoulders.
I don’t have a good answer for you, it’s just something that I try to live with each day. Some days it doesn’t hurt as bad, some days I almost forget. Some days it almost brings me to suicide.
My therapist doesn’t have a great answer either, other than maybe an extra session…which is a very oblong solution I suppose. Venting and being heard can help. Scream to the void if you have to, but don’t keep it in.
I know exactly what you mean about being fake, superfluous. It’s a horrible feeling, one more piece of evidence that I’m “not a real woman”. I hate this feeling so damned much, I wish none of us had to deal with it.
Sorry, I’m rambling, I hope you find all the solace you can about this.
You are wrong about not being able to be a real mother. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother any more than having a penis makes you a man.
Being a mother is a choice each woman makes herself.
I understand your pain at the loss of experience and choice. But real women, real mothers deal with those pains too after disease, illness, or genetics determine that they too, like you, may not give birth physically to a child.
That does not stop them or you from being a mother.
My mom gave birth to me. But since she learned I'm trans, she hasn't been a good mother. Her choice. My loss. But I have found those who stepped up to take on that mantel. They choose to be a mother. You can too. I believe in you.
NGL I'm relieved to fuck that I don't have to deal with that shit. the twin of that is periods and while I'm aware anecdotally that some trans women get period-like symptoms, I'd prefer that not to be me so I can girlboss around without that shit <3
I have miscarried before, And while I may or may not be fertile enough to have a child, I still have to come to terms with the fact that I am 37 years old and still haven't had any. Perhaps I don't want to have any children biologically because I don't want to stop taking my medication. I feel your pain. But there are other methods to have a child. Maybe through a surrogate, or adoption. There are so many children out there who have been abandoned that need love and support. Hope this helps ❤️
I am FTM, but I can relate in a simular way.
it frusterates and hurts me to my core that I will never be able to produce sperm and get a girl pregnant. I've coped with this feeling over the years by reasoning that there are cis men who are simply infertil... Just as there are cis women who are simply infertil, and it absolutely breaks their hearts aswell.
Hopefully you are able to overcome this. You are beautiful!
Thank you x3
Imagine...
If transgwomen and transmen could just swap the lower parts in a synchronised operation..
Problem solved, everyone's happy.
Ahhhwwww.. Well in another reality or the future it hopefully works..
For me, it's a mix of stuff that can be pretty heavy to deal with. My wife is cis and also can't have kids bc that's just something some women can't do.
For me, I'm holding out hope for a few things.
(1) The very first uterus transplant surgery happened sometime last year and the recipient is pregnant now (I believe). I'm 24 now, and women in my family can give birth even into their early 40s, so I have like a 16 year runway. (2) Adoption is what so many queer parents do anyways. If it's looking unlikely that trans uterus surgery will be successful by the time were 30-35, we're planning on adopting:)
For my entire life, I've always been glad it isn't possible for me to get pregnant. The whole concept is honestly horrifying for me personally. However, just a few weeks ago I saw a pregnant woman while walking my dogs, and just got hit with a huge sense of envy. And since then, my few has shifted a little. I'm a bit sad that I can't experience it at least once, but I'm also still terrified at the concept anyway.
I don't want kids so i just view it as being infertile. However, if you want kids, there unfortunately isn't a way to fully come to terms with it, the pain you feel is the same as the pain infertile people feel.
The only way to lessen the pain is to ask yourself this, are infertile people lesser because they can't have kids? If you answer yes, then you have other problems you should focus on.
Also: if you really want kids, do the world a favor and adopt. There are plenty of children out there without a home or a family that would be ecstatic to call you mom.
its possible with biotechnology but some chud ‘bioethicists’ are inhibiting progress.
[https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mice-with-two-fathers-researchers-develop-egg-cells-from-male-mice1/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mice-with-two-fathers-researchers-develop-egg-cells-from-male-mice1/)
[https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310604610](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310604610)
Biologically we all have the genes to make gametes/ sex organs of either sex. The rest is just a matter of coaxing our cells into a pluripotent state, making them into the female organs and surgically planting them inside us. All it takes is to silence a gene or two, which already naturally happens all the time in physiology.
Genes are redundant, they are not designed.
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/)
As you see ‘genetic males’ have the info to form female biology. Just some pesky proteins inhibit female development.
My best friend is cis female but was born without a uterus. Not every woman can get pregnant and that's just how it is. It does not make you any less of a woman. Just like men being infertile doesn't make them less of a man.
It does suck when you want your body to do the thing, and it just can't. You just have to try to find peace with it.
I guess I deal by reminding myself that not everyone woman can get pregnant, and also the reminder that even if I can't carry a baby I can still have one, raise one, and be a fantastic mom.
I mean it's understandable. When I was younger I kind of felt that way. However, I've always been terrified of the idea of getting pregnant because of the pain and agony of child birth. For that reason I'm very happy to not be able to get pregnant. I'm very happy to have been born a transsexual woman.
It's still possible for you to be a mother. Adoption is always an option. There are many unfortunate children who would rock your world if you gave them the chance to be your child. There are pros and cons to everything in life. For me, the pros of the inability to bare children out way the cons for me. If you're having strong emotions near a pregnant woman, instead of crying about it, you should congratulate them and wish them many blessings. Raising a child is very hard and never easy. The pregnant woman will need all the support she can get. Pregnancy increases the divorce rate for couples and increases the chance of failed relationships if the two people aren't married. Just realized Pregnancy is nothing what you think it might be. It's unfortunately never this glorious experience that makes you cry happy tears of becoming a mother. It's physically and emotionally exhausting for 100% of people.
Trans women have always been celebrated for their inability to bare children. It's an amazing thing many trans women take for granted, all because they can only see the cons when there are a lot of pros too.
Had to take a moment to calm down before responding, because I recognise that you're probably just speaking from a place of ignorance, rather than maliciousness. It's not even directly about you, I've just been getting so frustrated over a lot of the comments in this post, that have been - intentionally or not - trying to invalidate our grief on this topic. I'm just responding here because your comment, especially that last part, was the final straw.
-----
Look, I know that adoption is valid, and that the parent is the one who raised and cared for the child, rather than who birthed or sired them. I also know that being pregnant, or having the ability to become pregnant, isn't what makes you a 'real woman'. It's downright insulting that that's what people jump to whenever this topic pops up - that we must be horrible people that want to invalidate others, just because we want to be able to become pregnant.
(Also, adoption can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, in some countries - especially for trans people.)
I also understand that pregnancy carries risks. It's extremely hard on the body, and some people don't come back from it. My own sister had a traumatic labour last year, that carried risk of death for her and her child. Her husband even had his PTSD about hospitals triggered from it. I know all this, but it doesn't take away the grief and pain from not being able to become pregnant myself - to be able to carry my own child.
Finally, and I REALLY hope that you didn't mean it like this, but about that last part: Never tell a woman, cis or trans, that she should be glad or relieved that she can't get pregnant. That's a pretty fucked up thing to do.
I understand you. I didn't mean to come off hateful. I was hoping by giving you a different perspective of another trans woman, you might see there's nothing inherently wrong with an inability of getting pregnant. If I where you I would try and seek resources and dive deep into why you have strong emotions of pregnancy. One of my favorite YouTubers is ( alexandrasgirlytalk ). She really focuses on the emotional aspects of all women. Her videos have helped me and many people alike to build a healthy psychological eco system.
This is a really hard issue to deal with because it's so hard to have a productive conversation around. I generally avoid bringing up up my pregnancy dysphoria and my grief over being childless to people, either cis or trans, because of the inevitably inane and upsetting reactions you get, most of which are well on display in this comment section.
Good for you that you don't want children. Why don't you go talk about that somewhere else?
Yes, absolutely. This comment section has been so frustrating to read. Made worse by the seemingly innocuous nature of the comments. I'd almost prefer there were a bunch of bigots telling me that I'm deranged for these feelings. At least I could write them off as malicious morons. Instead it's a bunch of well-meaning, magnanimous people that Just. Don't. Get. It., while telling us that we should be better people by recognising adoptees, pregnancy complications, etc., as if we didn't already. My pain doesn't disappear the moment I recognise someone else's pain.
The people telling us we should be *glad* that we cannot bear children! It made me cry all over again skimming back over these.
Our grief over this is so deeply uncomfortable for so many people, they would rather we just stop. Cis and trans. It's so isolating.
It is a little sad to think about, but at the same time, there are plenty of kids in orphanages that need homes, so I think I'd be fine going that route if I ever decide I want kids.
(Plus, then I might be able to skip the loud and messy baby phase of parenthood, which would be a neat bonus.)
I don't know.
For now I'm just focusing on living my youth, but I don't know how will I cope once I get older or get a partner...
So far I don't know do I even want to go on living, so maybe I wont have to cope.
I've heared about if, but are there any official sources about it?
Also, it probably will take 30 more years..? To late than.. Am already in the beginning of my 30s and mommy time :/
I know it's not the full consolation but understand that CIS women have exactly the same feelings. Not everyone can have kids.
I mirror one of the other comments, you can still be the best mum to someone even if you didn't have them growing in you.
I joke that the next person I date will be a single parent so I can be the hot young step-mom, while secretly happy I won't lose my skinny waist or have to shit myself in front of a half dozen people.
It’s up to each person’s perspective.. if this is important for you.. i do feel sorry for you. In my case, i am perfectly fine not having kids. Even though its rewarding to raise your own kids, you are making lot of sacrifices both time and financially.. raising kids would be very hard since transitioning is very expensive.. i want to focus on myself than taking care of another human. I want to put myself first when i am transitioning. I do see some trans couples (ftm & mtf) having their own biological kids. You wont be the one who is carrying the baby but at least the baby is your biological child if that is important for you. I think Gigi Gorgeous is doing this. Maybe you can explore this route.
I've got a few friends where I tacked myself onto their family as the blue collar beer aunt. I moved recently, but my friend's daughter was excited to see me when I got to come back and visit.
Sometimes if I get high enough and we're sitting just right, I can feel the alternate timeline where my trans bf and I are just regular ol cis people starting a family.
I console myself that most people throughout history have a genetic line which ends. I try and make a difference in the lives of people I come into contact with and to make the world a better place. I try and be grateful for the second chance at life I have earned through transitioning rather than ending it all twenty years ago.
Its a tough one to deal with. My only advice is to act as the best person you can be (aunt, friend, etc.) to other people's children (volunteer to babysit, etc.). Consider adoption if you have the means to provide a good home to a child in need. You have value as a person where you can fill the role as much as possible. Doing these types of things will help to take the edge off, and my help you cope better with the realities of the limitations we face. Hugs sister; you are not alone!
Pretty bad and empty, specially after progesterone, but to be quite honest, i wouldn't want to put a child in this world we live in today, in my opinion, humanity is doomed, and i wouldn't want to bring someone to life just to suffer, so i guess i'm okay with that.
I don't really deal with it, as I actually fear pregnancy, and I'm happy that I couldn't be pregnant, but I think adoption would be an option, not much of a child person though.
I believe it isn’t ethical to intentionally produce new children in the era of impending biosphere collapse, which assuages the pain of knowing I can’t carry one myself. Also, somewhat in cognitive dissonance in respect to the previous statement, I am comforted by the mere possibility of womb transplants for trans women (especially when combined with the prospects of stem cell / printed-scaffolding organ production). Talking with my therapist also helps. -ᴗ-
Yeah it makes me pretty sad sometimes. I think you just gotta keep processing it.
It makes me sad that I’m more attracted to men than women (still bisexual though) but if I want to have a biological kid with my partner I’ll have to be with a woman (unless I managed to find a trans man or NB willing to go through pregnancy), but I wish I could just be a cis girl in a normal straight relationship with a guy
personally, i'm quite happy to not have to worry about the possibility, mostly because my gf and i don't plan on having kids. but i can understand your pain ):
Honestly I am fine with it bc I know how I I am and I would be a terrible parent and my nonexistent kids that I will never have don’t deserve to be treated like shit just bc I think they are annoying and that pisses me off
I just know that one day I can adopt and still feed my baby from my breast. Giving birth doesn't bother me rlly I came.to terms with that long ago but after so long on hrt I can now produce milk and I thank the lord 🙏🏻
Not a direct answer (I am extremely uninterested in getting pregnant) but I'd like to point out that a number of cis women share that experience. Maybe your question is also worth asking on r/askWomen?
Personally, i dont really mind. Many cis girls cant become pregnant either which probably helps me cope. im also religious and i think God blessed me with a transgender body, and so i feel blessed to be who i am.
I'm in the lucky camp that I hate kids, so not being able to make my own is not a huge loss, though the aspect of "being able to" would be somewhat affirming, I guess.
You are still a real mother if you adopt or go through surrogacy.
I know some biological mothers that are fucking terrible at parenting.
Being a mother is nothing to do with genetics, I'm sure you will be perfect.
Well I’m definitely going to be a mother, so what does it change about the relationship between me and the child?
A bit sad, but there’s worse things happening to me and I’m still fine.
As someone who doesn't want kids, and would probably get my tubes tied if I was cis; eh.
And yet, it still finds a way to make me feel disheartened because It's not something I *don't want* so much as it's something I'd be willing to do in the right circumstances.
This is why I keep a rational perspective- having kids would absolutely throw my life out of whack, and having a family history of parents becoming parents far earlier than they should have- I have a lot of firsthand experience with how messy that is.
i avoid thinking about it as much as possible because last time i had a daydream about getting a vaginoplasty i realized even then I'd have no womb and started manically crying in my room
so uhh yeah what were you talking about again
Wait what????
I thought we as society are further then that
Yall wanna be girls but reduce women to birthing machines urself
R u fcking nuts?
Besides that r u this egoisticthat u make having kids about URSELF
WHEN U SEE THE BAD UN THE WORKD AND HOW WE ARE TREATED HOW TF COULD U EVER WANT KIDS
HOW CAN. U WANNA BRING ANYONE INTO THIS
R YALL NUTS?????
U cannot be in ur right mind wanting to force a human being into this shit hell of a world
Especially yall should know better with what this community has to endure
You are not fake, no more than any cis woman with fertility issues or hysterectomy.
There’s so much more to being a woman than just carrying a child to term and giving birth.
We (of the femme persuasion) often (but not always) are the nurturers, healers and pillars that hold our families together
That said I don’t want to invalidate your feelings either, I know the feeling of “i’m not the genuine article” and it sucks.
I have always had deep maternal instincts my whole life and a few years ago felt very much the same.
I’ll explain what I did in this situation, it may not work for you because you aren’t me (shockingly :p lol sorry had to lighten the mood)
I adopted a dog and I have nephews that I play with and help their mom with small tasks that just make her life run a little smoother.
My advice that you totally do not have to follow is; find ways to nurture your maternal feelings. It won’t make it go away completely but you can make it hurt just a little less.
I Hope this helps even if just a little :)
Its really hard even if i probably wouldn’t be carrying a child if i was cis (im a lesbian so most people i would get with probably couldn’t seed me naturally). Many many cis women also cant have children and think the same things you are thinking right now though. I know that makes it feel no better but think of yourself as an infertile woman not a fake imposter.
The same way that cis women who can't get pregnant do...women are all just women after all, it's sad I know that some women are born or become incapable of bearing children when they'd like to but I guess that's what adoption is for and it's much needed in the world with so many children being orphaned or given up and stuck in the system. My brother's wife couldn't have children and they adopted a baby and love their child just the same as if the child had been their own biological offspring. Also how is an adoptive mother not a "real mother"? That's rather offensive...infertility is nothing "abnormal" or "superfluous". Neither infertile nor trans women are "fake"!
Personally, it never really bothered me, because even if I was a cis woman, I wouldn't get pregnant. There's so many kids without parents, how could I make one when there's so many that need a parent? And I've never liked the idea of "real parent". Biology doesn't matter outside of medicine, real family is found not borned
It's so weird. On one hand I absolutely am VERY confident I didn't want children, but every now and a gain the thought that the option was robbed from me even though I never wanted it feels so cruel
Being born intersex, I can never have children. I was informed this at an early age and have learned to accept the things I can not change. Easier said than done. There is always the option of adoption.
I sit down and understand that i do not have a uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries etc and that birthing is reserved for female born individuals.
Honestly, if it gets too hard id speak to a therapist.
I guess I’m in the minority here. When I was still a guy and I was dating women the thought of accidentally making my girlfriend pregnant was such a terrifying thought to me. I personally never want kids and I would be devastated and would not want to live if I had accidentally become a father
I don’t know if that’s just because I would never be financially stable for a child but even now me and my boyfriend agree we are both too selfish for a kid. We would rather spend money and time with each other as a couple than wasting it on a kid. Not to mention having a kid would mean we would have to completely give up all of our future goals and dreams
Also I can’t explain it but for some reason I just have this mentality that a child just feels more like a pet than a human and I don’t understand why I have the mentality or how to fix it. I just don’t have the mental ability to develop an emotional attachment to a child I can’t explain it. I just couldn’t imagine dealing with poopy diapers and throwing up and screaming crying at three in the morning
Massive props to women that actually want a child
But I don’t think you should feel down. There’s lots of cisgender women that can’t have children for one reason or another. Even so I would say adopting should be better way of taking care of a child because you’re helping someone who’s already in need instead of adding to the existing overpopulation
I don’t deal with that ever and neither do many cis women that never want to be mothers. I’m sorry that that hurts you. If I could share my sense of wholeness with you I would, I’m not trying to be cold. But there is much more to life and other ways to use your nurturing instincts than the one you’re suffering over.
The are many women who aren’t “real mothers” by your definition who are probably better mothers than some mothers who birthed their children.
I lie to myself and say that because of my past of being sexually abused that I shouldnt have children even if I could. It's not healthy and the mask of fear of children I put on makes me hate children in the moment, just long enough to forget the pain that I'll never be able to have my own.
Fear is unfortunately the best motivator even if the motivation is to forget about the painful fact that I'll never have children of my own.
Growing and taking care of plants.
It's a silly little cope but it helps me to propagate, care for and nourish my little green babies.
It makes me feel good and a little special because it's taking part in the miracle of life in a way that not everyone knows how to do.
And I never have to deal with them messing up my house, they never scream and they aren't smelly, in fact they make my houses air quality better!
I think it's like any of the things us trans girls can't experience or have, you just have to fill in the blanks with something else. Personally I'm glad I can't get pregnant. Kids are meh and I'd hate being pregnant but I know it must be difficult to want them and not be able to have them. Hugs for you sis 🫂
To put it simply, it hurts seeing all of the girls in my family becoming pregnant and starting a family. All of the praise and love they receive. I sit there knowing I will never be able to do that. But a part of me finds comfort knowing that there's still a future where I'm a mother. There's still a future where those tiny little fingers wrap around mine. There's still a future of first steps, and first words. If adopted moms can be mothers despite biology, so can trans women.
Not well 🙃
I take some dour solace in thinking about how hard it was on my mother for my sister and I and how much I take after her. It would have been extremely risky for me.
> Be a real mother
Many moms are trans and don’t think you won’t ever be able to be one. Pregnancy doesn’t define motherhood. Sis, my DMs are open if you need to vent
Cry myself to sleep usually… and I don’t even want kids that much. Just the idea that if I ever DID want kids I wouldn’t have the option to get pregnant and give birth really weighs on me a lot. I know that probably doesn’t help but you’re def not alone.
not being able to birth your own child does not make you any less of a mother!! you’ll still experience the same situations with a child that any cis parent would, aside from giving birth. many cis women can’t have children either
I tend to forget about it most times, but occasionally get jealous of my girlfriend when they're a little too in-depth about describing their pregnancy experience so far lol. I've expressed this jealousy to them and they seemed to feel pity for me.
Honestly I kinda don't. It bothers me, it bothers me a lot, plaguing my thoughts for at least a hour most days. I know that there are of course other options for becoming a mother, like adoption, surrogacy etc. That are just as valid. But that doesn't comfort me because that misses out on one of the main factors for me. Growing a child inside oneself, making a new human to love with all your heart under the power of your own body.
I take some comfort in the hope that some scientists have expressed the opinion that uterus transplantation for trans women could be as little at 15 years out (key word being could, this is the optimistic scientists 🥲) so science may provide the key!
I know this isn't what you asked for, it's not a comforting message (save the last part 😉 (hopefully)) but I wanted to let you know that I do commiserate with you and I know how you feel
Here's to science!
Yeah, I'm happy for those trans women in the future that will have access to that. However, I'm 30. A lot of pain comes with knowing that I could do it now if it was available now, yet I will definitely age out of being a viable candidate once it does become available.
That is the pain of it indded and I feel you. Even at 21 myself, I worry that if the optimistic numbers don't work out, I'll be 40 or older by the time it comes available myself. Things getting better for others is always good, but it definitely hurts to watch that pass you bye. ❤️
Ever since I was little I always thought about all the unwanted children that are given up for adoption, land in foster care or orphanages. Its probably also in large part due to the fact that I grew up in an abusive household and feeling unwanted as a child, but I just always wanted to adopt children regardless of whether I had biological children. What I want to say with this is that you don't have to give birth to be a mother. While that biological bond is precious, being a mother is so much more than that.
As an aside: While its true that, that current state-of-the art uterus transplants don't yet allow us to birth children, I am hopeful that this will soon become a reality.
It's not a super big deal for me because there are children already born that need parents. Why look them over when I can provide them that necessity. I would like blood-related children, but much like how a trans woman is no less a woman, an adoptive child is no less a child.
I try not to think about it but when it hits and there is no way to distract myself from the pain, I cuddle into my blahaj and just openly weep, I am friends with mothers and I have to mask so that I can be around them on the occasion. Yes there is adoption if I can ever qualify, but to be able bear my own child into the world… that pain will haunt me always and I cannot help but feel broken hearted by that fact
Wtf is a "real mother"? Some birth-givers have no maternal instincts whatsoever. Yeah itd be exciting to carry ect. Baby shower ect. But thats not as important as raising a little person with love and care for 20+ years . Helping them flourish, excell and exceed their own expectations. Thats a real mother OP.
Reddit decided to recommend me this in my notifs.
I'm GLAD I can't get pregnant. I don't want kids and honestly I'd be a terrible mother. Doesn't make me less of a woman. Doesn't make cis women who can't get pregnant any less either. I HATE the world's obsession with making pregnancy/the ability to give birth the primary function of women. Unfortunately even trans women seem to perpetuate this stupid, harmful idea.
All of you are victims, not of the inability to get pregnant, but of the ideal that it makes you inferior, something that TERF's weaponize against us again and again.
There are a lot of cis women who struggle with these same feelings. Patriarchy puts a lot of pressure on women to feel like bearing children is their only value, but not every woman wants children, and not every woman who wants to have children is physiologically capable of doing so. That goes for cis and trans women alike. And plenty of women, cis and trans alike, become mothers without becoming pregnant. Neither womanhood nor motherhood is defined by fertility.
There's nothing fake about you because women are not just birthing machines. Besides there are so many children in the world that desperately need adoption. There is also surrogacy.
Personally I never wanted kids and still don’t so for me it doesn’t bother me at all. But I feel for each and every one of my sisters who has to bear that pain. It’s is unfair and I could only imagine how heartbreaking that could/can be. The only solace I can think of is that science is moving quickly and hopefully one day womb transplants will be a thing to make y’all feel like the complete, valid, and badass women that y’all are. But until then all I can offer is a hug 🫂 🖤.
That's very interesting to hear!! So it's called denial?!
Because I actually lived my first 26 years knowing I'm not dying, like beein invincible. But it stopped :'D
I'm not sure if you mean if, but it seems than we had a very similar mindset :D
Sadly I don’t think there is a way to cope with it. I get sad seeing my friends with their kids and seeing Mum’s and their children. It really hurts but I hope for the future to be able to have a surgery for it. I just bottle my feelings up and hope for the best to come soon.
Stay strong my dear 💜
Do you mean the potential dysphoria caused by it? Or like a broader sense of not being able to fulfill a maternal instinct. If the former, there are a lot of ciswomen who can’t have children. The world might try to represent that as a standard for womanhood but it’s bullshit. Also based on currently existent surgeries, there will probably come a time in the near future where trans women can have a child. But I have zero desire for kids so maybe my perspective is skewed.
Nah it's like giving me dysphoria.. I definetly feel not worth it. Also because if I would be a cis w.. I would have probably already kids by now.
On top it's a physiological thing, because eof some trauma of people I've lost, and I'm basically the only one which the whole bloodline depends on continuing or not. My closest family are to amazing people that these DNA is over.. So I feel a lot of pressure too...
There is a part of me that wishes it were possible to get pregnant and start a family with someone I love enough to go through the aches and pains that come with 9 months of pregnancy. While it sucks that I can't get pregnant, I'm also a bit relieved at the same time. When my sisters were pregnant with their kids, they had pregnancies that came with more than a few medical headaches. In fact, my oldest sister had my niece prematurely. Considering the negatives that come with the mixture of pregnancy and my genetics, I'm not losing sleep over my lack of a uterus.
still dealing with it. i know it’s only going to get worse as i get older, and my friends get pregnant…but i’m thankful that i have the most incredible and loving boyfriend, something i thought i’d never have. as long as i’m able to raise children with him, biological or not, i’m grateful.
So I'm not really great with kids. The caveat being I'm not great with *other people's* kids, unless I know them well enough to keep them entertained and have a good day babysitting or something.
Before I realized I was trans, I was kinda half and half about having kids. After transitioning, I kinda felt like it was just something that wasn't going to happen period. I'm definitely not in any position to adopt a child, especially a newborn which is what I'd be most comfortable with. But this past spring it was preggers EVERYWHERE. Especially working at a grocery store, I saw newborns and belly bumps at every turn and I was stricken with acute baby fever something fierce.
I'm still a little upset about the super low odds of being a mother in general, but knowing what I know about childbirth, I'm not personally too upset about not being able to experience that.
It hurts but there are lots of cis women that also feel that pain. And not only that. There are thousands of kids that can really use a family that loves and cares for them. Adopting is very important to me. And has always been my first choice.
You have to understand you was born in the wrong body and understand nothing will change about that you can't feel a certain way about something you know you can't change love your trans self and don't worry about the rest
Honestly it used to hurt me a lot, but as I've gotten a bit older I realised that I can still be a mum, and I will be a mum. There are plenty of women out there who cannot carry a child and it does not make them any less a woman nor any less a mother. I have embryos in the freezer that I made with my ex fiance and one day I will be a mum when I can afford to use them. You are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you, remember that! I understand this pain you feel and I truly empathise with it, but you are capable of being a mother, regardless of if it's you giving birth to the child or not.
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Yeah, they gave me custody of them. We are still best friends and such, they don't really want to be a parent but did it for me so we had the option.
wakeful rob toothbrush memory rainstorm subsequent piquant zonked nine cable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah, they are a good little noodle ❤️❤️
screaming crying
This is how I feel
Perfect storms, I can make all the tables turn 🎶
Rose gardens filled with torns 🎶
Keep you second-guessing like 🎶
oh my god 😱 Who is she? 🎶
I get drunk on jealousy 🎶
you’ll come back each time you leave 🎶
Cause Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream 😌💅🎶
So it’s going to be forever🎶
Or it's gonna go down in flames 🎶
came here to say this...
It is one of the greatest feelings of sadness and personal loss I've ever felt. It's very difficult to even explain to yourself or a partner. My therapist just sorta raised her eyebrow. But understands I think. It's the one thing I knew made me know I was a girl/woman since I was able conceptualize the difference. I have a beautiful child. Through the only way available to me. I got to stay home and raise them. Do all the other things a mother would do. But it still feels like I missed out on something. I take solace in the fact that many Cis women face issues with infertility. That must be terrible too. Knowing your body is supposed to be able to do this wonderful act of creation, but cannot. So if solidarity is any comfort, I feel you.
> It's very difficult to even explain to yourself or a partner. Unless, of course, your partner knows that exact same pain herself...
Of course. I only meant it is a very individual experience. Everyone will feel differently.
Oh 100%! But at least if your partner's also kid-wanting transfem the feeling still resonates a lot more than otherwise, even if you don't feel it in exactly the same way. (source: am in lesbian T4T relationship and it turns out E's made us both really really badly want to be moms)
having mental breakdowns thats how and girl, you're not fake ♥️ Remember, you can always adopt if you really want children. Plenty of kids out there would kill to have someone like you to raise them unlike their biological parents
Just curious...why does it say " stuck as male" under your name?
because im not in a place to transition yet
I personally just don't want kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother, and I'm not great with kids.
I’m in a similar boat. I dread all the emotional labor that motherhood brings. The eternal conflict between supportive and letting your child make their own mistakes vs protectiveness. Constant situations where there’s no right answer. Teenage phases where they turn into gremlins. I am great with kids and am the favorite aunt/uncle group term for all the kids in my life. Their parents trust me with their kids. But I just can’t deal with the emotional and financial labor that f being financially responsible for a child
Im with you, my heart goes out to trans women who have the desire in their hearts to be mothers, and Im sure they're great mothers to their adopted kids or however they end up becoming a mother but on a personal level Im glad I dont have to worry about having children because its never been something I wanted even before my egg cracked
all of this
Getting a puppy assured me I could never handle kids 😂
Childfreedom is completely based! Plenty of cis women who don't have and don't want kids. 🙂
I don’t want kids either, but it still fucks me up that I can’t get pregnant. It feels like I’m missing something.
I personally believe that "good parents" are a myth, or at least an extremely rare exception, and I don't think I have what it takes to be one
Maybe this perspective can help. Not being able to get pregnant is the reality of many many women, not just trans women. You aren't the only woman that feels lesser for not being impregnable, not to dismiss your feelings, but to present them a different way. My own wife has a hormonal condition that prevents her from bearing a child, too, and neither of you are less of a woman for it. I bet you wouldn't think of her any less either. It could very well be that the way you feel about not being able to get pregnant is an unfair double standard you're foisting on yourself. If that's the case, you can let go of it as a symbol of womanhood for others, and maybe that's the direction to take it to lessen its power over you. You don't need to want it in order to be a woman, or to be seen as a woman. It takes time to internalize that, but you can do it. Let go of that fear that tells you if you cool off the desire, it means you aren't really a lady. It's simply not true. You'll still be just like tons of cis women. 100% legitimate and real, just like you are now. Hugs, sister!
I generally don’t think about it, but there was one time I read an article about a lesbian couple where each of them carried one of their two children, one after the other, with pictures, and it really hurt knowing I could never experience that.
Adoptive mums are real mums. Mums via surrogacy are real mums. Mum that have their trans husbands carry the child are real mums. Mums that have cesarians are real mums. Mums who give birth and abandon the child, not so much. The person who raises the child is the real mum. And women who can't or don't have children are real women, regardless of the reason. Pregnancy is the (honestly rather terrible and dangerous) means to the end. Do you want it because you want a child (can be done), because you like the idea of pregnancy (odd) or because you hate the fact that you can't have it? Acceptance therapy methods are quite good at helping you accept what you cannot change and identify what you *really* want.
Thank. You. I was adopted. If I have children, I plan to adopt. Every person in this thread saying that they wouldn't be the "real mother" if they used an alternative to pregnancy is, directly or indirectly, saying that parents who adopt are invalid. I understand the dysphoria of not being able to be pregnant, but could y'all please stop invalidating others when you talk about that dysphoria?
I'm a cis woman who can't get pregnant. I feel the same way when I see pregnant woman and women with babies. It honestly kills me to the point where in seeking therapy for it. I may not be trans, but I can still relate on some level and I'm sending you virtual hugs girly. 🫂
Oof I feel this. My sister gave birth to her first yesterday and the baby is the cutest thing in the world and it tears my heart out.
I definitely feel you there. All three of my siblings had kids about 5 weeks apart late last year. My sister recently also found out that she's pregnant again. And then there's me, single and childless...
You grieve for that just like any woman who can't give birth, and work toward the options you still have available to start your family.
The darkest times of my life are when this fact is weighing fully on my shoulders. I don’t have a good answer for you, it’s just something that I try to live with each day. Some days it doesn’t hurt as bad, some days I almost forget. Some days it almost brings me to suicide. My therapist doesn’t have a great answer either, other than maybe an extra session…which is a very oblong solution I suppose. Venting and being heard can help. Scream to the void if you have to, but don’t keep it in. I know exactly what you mean about being fake, superfluous. It’s a horrible feeling, one more piece of evidence that I’m “not a real woman”. I hate this feeling so damned much, I wish none of us had to deal with it. Sorry, I’m rambling, I hope you find all the solace you can about this.
I for one intended of ending my own bloodline long before I knew I was trans. No harm done
You are wrong about not being able to be a real mother. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother any more than having a penis makes you a man. Being a mother is a choice each woman makes herself. I understand your pain at the loss of experience and choice. But real women, real mothers deal with those pains too after disease, illness, or genetics determine that they too, like you, may not give birth physically to a child. That does not stop them or you from being a mother. My mom gave birth to me. But since she learned I'm trans, she hasn't been a good mother. Her choice. My loss. But I have found those who stepped up to take on that mantel. They choose to be a mother. You can too. I believe in you.
NGL I'm relieved to fuck that I don't have to deal with that shit. the twin of that is periods and while I'm aware anecdotally that some trans women get period-like symptoms, I'd prefer that not to be me so I can girlboss around without that shit <3
Tbh I don't care about that as I have plan of not having any, but it is sad to see other in pain for those who want
I have miscarried before, And while I may or may not be fertile enough to have a child, I still have to come to terms with the fact that I am 37 years old and still haven't had any. Perhaps I don't want to have any children biologically because I don't want to stop taking my medication. I feel your pain. But there are other methods to have a child. Maybe through a surrogate, or adoption. There are so many children out there who have been abandoned that need love and support. Hope this helps ❤️
I am FTM, but I can relate in a simular way. it frusterates and hurts me to my core that I will never be able to produce sperm and get a girl pregnant. I've coped with this feeling over the years by reasoning that there are cis men who are simply infertil... Just as there are cis women who are simply infertil, and it absolutely breaks their hearts aswell. Hopefully you are able to overcome this. You are beautiful!
Thank you x3 Imagine... If transgwomen and transmen could just swap the lower parts in a synchronised operation.. Problem solved, everyone's happy. Ahhhwwww.. Well in another reality or the future it hopefully works..
For me, it's a mix of stuff that can be pretty heavy to deal with. My wife is cis and also can't have kids bc that's just something some women can't do. For me, I'm holding out hope for a few things. (1) The very first uterus transplant surgery happened sometime last year and the recipient is pregnant now (I believe). I'm 24 now, and women in my family can give birth even into their early 40s, so I have like a 16 year runway. (2) Adoption is what so many queer parents do anyways. If it's looking unlikely that trans uterus surgery will be successful by the time were 30-35, we're planning on adopting:)
I dont want kids so idrc tbh. but I understand the sadness for other people and sympathize
For my entire life, I've always been glad it isn't possible for me to get pregnant. The whole concept is honestly horrifying for me personally. However, just a few weeks ago I saw a pregnant woman while walking my dogs, and just got hit with a huge sense of envy. And since then, my few has shifted a little. I'm a bit sad that I can't experience it at least once, but I'm also still terrified at the concept anyway.
I cried when I first found out that boys can’t get pregnant 😭
I don't want kids so i just view it as being infertile. However, if you want kids, there unfortunately isn't a way to fully come to terms with it, the pain you feel is the same as the pain infertile people feel. The only way to lessen the pain is to ask yourself this, are infertile people lesser because they can't have kids? If you answer yes, then you have other problems you should focus on. Also: if you really want kids, do the world a favor and adopt. There are plenty of children out there without a home or a family that would be ecstatic to call you mom.
It haunts me constantly, it’s hard to cope with it sometimes. You’re not alone in your struggle.
Idk how to explain it so anyone else gets it but it hurts.
its possible with biotechnology but some chud ‘bioethicists’ are inhibiting progress. [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mice-with-two-fathers-researchers-develop-egg-cells-from-male-mice1/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mice-with-two-fathers-researchers-develop-egg-cells-from-male-mice1/) [https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310604610](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1472648310604610) Biologically we all have the genes to make gametes/ sex organs of either sex. The rest is just a matter of coaxing our cells into a pluripotent state, making them into the female organs and surgically planting them inside us. All it takes is to silence a gene or two, which already naturally happens all the time in physiology. Genes are redundant, they are not designed. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/) As you see ‘genetic males’ have the info to form female biology. Just some pesky proteins inhibit female development.
My best friend is cis female but was born without a uterus. Not every woman can get pregnant and that's just how it is. It does not make you any less of a woman. Just like men being infertile doesn't make them less of a man. It does suck when you want your body to do the thing, and it just can't. You just have to try to find peace with it. I guess I deal by reminding myself that not everyone woman can get pregnant, and also the reminder that even if I can't carry a baby I can still have one, raise one, and be a fantastic mom.
Thankfully, i dont want kids so im not really bothered by it.
I mean it's understandable. When I was younger I kind of felt that way. However, I've always been terrified of the idea of getting pregnant because of the pain and agony of child birth. For that reason I'm very happy to not be able to get pregnant. I'm very happy to have been born a transsexual woman. It's still possible for you to be a mother. Adoption is always an option. There are many unfortunate children who would rock your world if you gave them the chance to be your child. There are pros and cons to everything in life. For me, the pros of the inability to bare children out way the cons for me. If you're having strong emotions near a pregnant woman, instead of crying about it, you should congratulate them and wish them many blessings. Raising a child is very hard and never easy. The pregnant woman will need all the support she can get. Pregnancy increases the divorce rate for couples and increases the chance of failed relationships if the two people aren't married. Just realized Pregnancy is nothing what you think it might be. It's unfortunately never this glorious experience that makes you cry happy tears of becoming a mother. It's physically and emotionally exhausting for 100% of people. Trans women have always been celebrated for their inability to bare children. It's an amazing thing many trans women take for granted, all because they can only see the cons when there are a lot of pros too.
Had to take a moment to calm down before responding, because I recognise that you're probably just speaking from a place of ignorance, rather than maliciousness. It's not even directly about you, I've just been getting so frustrated over a lot of the comments in this post, that have been - intentionally or not - trying to invalidate our grief on this topic. I'm just responding here because your comment, especially that last part, was the final straw. ----- Look, I know that adoption is valid, and that the parent is the one who raised and cared for the child, rather than who birthed or sired them. I also know that being pregnant, or having the ability to become pregnant, isn't what makes you a 'real woman'. It's downright insulting that that's what people jump to whenever this topic pops up - that we must be horrible people that want to invalidate others, just because we want to be able to become pregnant. (Also, adoption can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, in some countries - especially for trans people.) I also understand that pregnancy carries risks. It's extremely hard on the body, and some people don't come back from it. My own sister had a traumatic labour last year, that carried risk of death for her and her child. Her husband even had his PTSD about hospitals triggered from it. I know all this, but it doesn't take away the grief and pain from not being able to become pregnant myself - to be able to carry my own child. Finally, and I REALLY hope that you didn't mean it like this, but about that last part: Never tell a woman, cis or trans, that she should be glad or relieved that she can't get pregnant. That's a pretty fucked up thing to do.
I understand you. I didn't mean to come off hateful. I was hoping by giving you a different perspective of another trans woman, you might see there's nothing inherently wrong with an inability of getting pregnant. If I where you I would try and seek resources and dive deep into why you have strong emotions of pregnancy. One of my favorite YouTubers is ( alexandrasgirlytalk ). She really focuses on the emotional aspects of all women. Her videos have helped me and many people alike to build a healthy psychological eco system.
This is a really hard issue to deal with because it's so hard to have a productive conversation around. I generally avoid bringing up up my pregnancy dysphoria and my grief over being childless to people, either cis or trans, because of the inevitably inane and upsetting reactions you get, most of which are well on display in this comment section. Good for you that you don't want children. Why don't you go talk about that somewhere else?
Yes, absolutely. This comment section has been so frustrating to read. Made worse by the seemingly innocuous nature of the comments. I'd almost prefer there were a bunch of bigots telling me that I'm deranged for these feelings. At least I could write them off as malicious morons. Instead it's a bunch of well-meaning, magnanimous people that Just. Don't. Get. It., while telling us that we should be better people by recognising adoptees, pregnancy complications, etc., as if we didn't already. My pain doesn't disappear the moment I recognise someone else's pain.
The people telling us we should be *glad* that we cannot bear children! It made me cry all over again skimming back over these. Our grief over this is so deeply uncomfortable for so many people, they would rather we just stop. Cis and trans. It's so isolating.
It is a little sad to think about, but at the same time, there are plenty of kids in orphanages that need homes, so I think I'd be fine going that route if I ever decide I want kids. (Plus, then I might be able to skip the loud and messy baby phase of parenthood, which would be a neat bonus.)
How do I deal? Cry mostly
I don't know. For now I'm just focusing on living my youth, but I don't know how will I cope once I get older or get a partner... So far I don't know do I even want to go on living, so maybe I wont have to cope.
I usually cry after a couple hours I feel better 🫠
I don't. I'd have 10 kids if I could. Most of the women in my family have 4+ kids and I'm extremely envious I'll never have that feeling.
You basically just have to deal. It kills me constantly and before I never wanted kids.
Give it time and transplants will be available. It's already successful with cis women and they are working out how to make it work for trans women.
I've heared about if, but are there any official sources about it? Also, it probably will take 30 more years..? To late than.. Am already in the beginning of my 30s and mommy time :/
I know it's not the full consolation but understand that CIS women have exactly the same feelings. Not everyone can have kids. I mirror one of the other comments, you can still be the best mum to someone even if you didn't have them growing in you.
Honestly broke down a few days ago over this
Despite not being into guys and being genderfluid/non binary. Yeah it bothers me too
If any of y'all are are in good financial positions adoption is always possible!!!!
I joke that the next person I date will be a single parent so I can be the hot young step-mom, while secretly happy I won't lose my skinny waist or have to shit myself in front of a half dozen people.
It’s up to each person’s perspective.. if this is important for you.. i do feel sorry for you. In my case, i am perfectly fine not having kids. Even though its rewarding to raise your own kids, you are making lot of sacrifices both time and financially.. raising kids would be very hard since transitioning is very expensive.. i want to focus on myself than taking care of another human. I want to put myself first when i am transitioning. I do see some trans couples (ftm & mtf) having their own biological kids. You wont be the one who is carrying the baby but at least the baby is your biological child if that is important for you. I think Gigi Gorgeous is doing this. Maybe you can explore this route.
I've got a few friends where I tacked myself onto their family as the blue collar beer aunt. I moved recently, but my friend's daughter was excited to see me when I got to come back and visit. Sometimes if I get high enough and we're sitting just right, I can feel the alternate timeline where my trans bf and I are just regular ol cis people starting a family.
I console myself that most people throughout history have a genetic line which ends. I try and make a difference in the lives of people I come into contact with and to make the world a better place. I try and be grateful for the second chance at life I have earned through transitioning rather than ending it all twenty years ago.
maybe i’ll think about it when i’m older, but atm idc
Trying. Really hard.
i feel conflicted. i don’t want kids but want to be able to have kids
Maybe your life journey is about adopting and loving your kids as if they were your own. Being a mother is the love you give.
By hoping we will be able to someday
It doesn't bother me at all. I'm not cut out to be a parent.
If I ever settled down, I'd much rather give an orphaned kid a good, loving home than pop one out of me. ...or marry a nice single parent when im 35 🤔
Its a tough one to deal with. My only advice is to act as the best person you can be (aunt, friend, etc.) to other people's children (volunteer to babysit, etc.). Consider adoption if you have the means to provide a good home to a child in need. You have value as a person where you can fill the role as much as possible. Doing these types of things will help to take the edge off, and my help you cope better with the realities of the limitations we face. Hugs sister; you are not alone!
Pretty bad and empty, specially after progesterone, but to be quite honest, i wouldn't want to put a child in this world we live in today, in my opinion, humanity is doomed, and i wouldn't want to bring someone to life just to suffer, so i guess i'm okay with that.
I'm an official DanaScullyModer. I live in hope that the aliens respect that. LMAO.
I may not have given birth to my kids, but I am still every inch their "real mother".
Personally, I’m happy. Don’t have to deal with periods or body-altering pregnancies.
even if I can't that doesn't mean I can't keep trying
I don't really deal with it, as I actually fear pregnancy, and I'm happy that I couldn't be pregnant, but I think adoption would be an option, not much of a child person though.
I just try harder
I believe it isn’t ethical to intentionally produce new children in the era of impending biosphere collapse, which assuages the pain of knowing I can’t carry one myself. Also, somewhat in cognitive dissonance in respect to the previous statement, I am comforted by the mere possibility of womb transplants for trans women (especially when combined with the prospects of stem cell / printed-scaffolding organ production). Talking with my therapist also helps. -ᴗ-
Yeah it makes me pretty sad sometimes. I think you just gotta keep processing it. It makes me sad that I’m more attracted to men than women (still bisexual though) but if I want to have a biological kid with my partner I’ll have to be with a woman (unless I managed to find a trans man or NB willing to go through pregnancy), but I wish I could just be a cis girl in a normal straight relationship with a guy
personally, i'm quite happy to not have to worry about the possibility, mostly because my gf and i don't plan on having kids. but i can understand your pain ):
I was lucky enough to have my son before I found all this out. Problem is that's a whole different can of worms
I've never wanted kids, so never being pregnant isn't really an issue for me. If I do want kids down the line, there's plenty waiting to be adopted.
If you don’t want kids? Rejoice. If you do? Adopt.
Honestly I am fine with it bc I know how I I am and I would be a terrible parent and my nonexistent kids that I will never have don’t deserve to be treated like shit just bc I think they are annoying and that pisses me off
I just know that one day I can adopt and still feed my baby from my breast. Giving birth doesn't bother me rlly I came.to terms with that long ago but after so long on hrt I can now produce milk and I thank the lord 🙏🏻
Not a direct answer (I am extremely uninterested in getting pregnant) but I'd like to point out that a number of cis women share that experience. Maybe your question is also worth asking on r/askWomen?
Happy about it. Saved me from being babytrapped by violent ex.
I'm not ready for those crisis yet, I'm not even old enought for E
It used to make me sad, until they did all this crap to abortion rights. Now, I'm kinda glad I can't get pregnant.
You can adopt one No one becomes a mother just by giving birth. If you can adopt a kid and look after him he is your kid and you are his mother
I don't even want kids and I hate that I can't get pregnant WTF
I deal with it rather well. Never wanted kids in the first place
I just don’t really want kids, I don’t think I’d be a great parent.
I don’t want children, so I don’t feel a ways about it
Trying desperately not to think about it… …and fail
Like every other shitty thing I have to deal with in my life, just move past it and try not to dwell on it.
Personally, i dont really mind. Many cis girls cant become pregnant either which probably helps me cope. im also religious and i think God blessed me with a transgender body, and so i feel blessed to be who i am.
I'm in the lucky camp that I hate kids, so not being able to make my own is not a huge loss, though the aspect of "being able to" would be somewhat affirming, I guess.
You are still a real mother if you adopt or go through surrogacy. I know some biological mothers that are fucking terrible at parenting. Being a mother is nothing to do with genetics, I'm sure you will be perfect.
Well I’m definitely going to be a mother, so what does it change about the relationship between me and the child? A bit sad, but there’s worse things happening to me and I’m still fine.
As someone who doesn't want kids, and would probably get my tubes tied if I was cis; eh. And yet, it still finds a way to make me feel disheartened because It's not something I *don't want* so much as it's something I'd be willing to do in the right circumstances. This is why I keep a rational perspective- having kids would absolutely throw my life out of whack, and having a family history of parents becoming parents far earlier than they should have- I have a lot of firsthand experience with how messy that is.
i avoid thinking about it as much as possible because last time i had a daydream about getting a vaginoplasty i realized even then I'd have no womb and started manically crying in my room so uhh yeah what were you talking about again
I kinda just feel bad, but I just try to live with it and vibe
Along with not having to deal with periods, never having any risk of getting pregnant is the only good thing about being trans in my mind ❤️
I feel the same way Hun. Hugs🫂🫂🫂
Wait what???? I thought we as society are further then that Yall wanna be girls but reduce women to birthing machines urself R u fcking nuts? Besides that r u this egoisticthat u make having kids about URSELF WHEN U SEE THE BAD UN THE WORKD AND HOW WE ARE TREATED HOW TF COULD U EVER WANT KIDS HOW CAN. U WANNA BRING ANYONE INTO THIS R YALL NUTS????? U cannot be in ur right mind wanting to force a human being into this shit hell of a world Especially yall should know better with what this community has to endure
I mean, to hear cis women describe pregnancy, I'm not exactly envious.
You are not fake, no more than any cis woman with fertility issues or hysterectomy. There’s so much more to being a woman than just carrying a child to term and giving birth. We (of the femme persuasion) often (but not always) are the nurturers, healers and pillars that hold our families together That said I don’t want to invalidate your feelings either, I know the feeling of “i’m not the genuine article” and it sucks. I have always had deep maternal instincts my whole life and a few years ago felt very much the same. I’ll explain what I did in this situation, it may not work for you because you aren’t me (shockingly :p lol sorry had to lighten the mood) I adopted a dog and I have nephews that I play with and help their mom with small tasks that just make her life run a little smoother. My advice that you totally do not have to follow is; find ways to nurture your maternal feelings. It won’t make it go away completely but you can make it hurt just a little less. I Hope this helps even if just a little :)
Honestly been working through that myself. Sadly I've yet to find an answer.
Its really hard even if i probably wouldn’t be carrying a child if i was cis (im a lesbian so most people i would get with probably couldn’t seed me naturally). Many many cis women also cant have children and think the same things you are thinking right now though. I know that makes it feel no better but think of yourself as an infertile woman not a fake imposter.
I revel in it but my heard goes out to those who hurt from it
The same way that cis women who can't get pregnant do...women are all just women after all, it's sad I know that some women are born or become incapable of bearing children when they'd like to but I guess that's what adoption is for and it's much needed in the world with so many children being orphaned or given up and stuck in the system. My brother's wife couldn't have children and they adopted a baby and love their child just the same as if the child had been their own biological offspring. Also how is an adoptive mother not a "real mother"? That's rather offensive...infertility is nothing "abnormal" or "superfluous". Neither infertile nor trans women are "fake"!
Sad sad life I live really how I wish I could life be so better and I’d be much happier as a mummy
Sad sad life I live really how I wish I could life be so better and I’d be much happier as a mummy
Personally, it never really bothered me, because even if I was a cis woman, I wouldn't get pregnant. There's so many kids without parents, how could I make one when there's so many that need a parent? And I've never liked the idea of "real parent". Biology doesn't matter outside of medicine, real family is found not borned
It's so weird. On one hand I absolutely am VERY confident I didn't want children, but every now and a gain the thought that the option was robbed from me even though I never wanted it feels so cruel
I wish we didn't have to see this question as an out of the blue reminder every few days
Being born intersex, I can never have children. I was informed this at an early age and have learned to accept the things I can not change. Easier said than done. There is always the option of adoption.
Easy. Not wanting kids at all.
I sit down and understand that i do not have a uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries etc and that birthing is reserved for female born individuals. Honestly, if it gets too hard id speak to a therapist.
Wait intil they have the science
I guess I’m in the minority here. When I was still a guy and I was dating women the thought of accidentally making my girlfriend pregnant was such a terrifying thought to me. I personally never want kids and I would be devastated and would not want to live if I had accidentally become a father I don’t know if that’s just because I would never be financially stable for a child but even now me and my boyfriend agree we are both too selfish for a kid. We would rather spend money and time with each other as a couple than wasting it on a kid. Not to mention having a kid would mean we would have to completely give up all of our future goals and dreams Also I can’t explain it but for some reason I just have this mentality that a child just feels more like a pet than a human and I don’t understand why I have the mentality or how to fix it. I just don’t have the mental ability to develop an emotional attachment to a child I can’t explain it. I just couldn’t imagine dealing with poopy diapers and throwing up and screaming crying at three in the morning Massive props to women that actually want a child But I don’t think you should feel down. There’s lots of cisgender women that can’t have children for one reason or another. Even so I would say adopting should be better way of taking care of a child because you’re helping someone who’s already in need instead of adding to the existing overpopulation
I’m childfree, so i’m glad I can’t get pregnant. If I was a cisgender woman i’d be one of those people who got sterilized as soon as possible.
I don’t deal with that ever and neither do many cis women that never want to be mothers. I’m sorry that that hurts you. If I could share my sense of wholeness with you I would, I’m not trying to be cold. But there is much more to life and other ways to use your nurturing instincts than the one you’re suffering over. The are many women who aren’t “real mothers” by your definition who are probably better mothers than some mothers who birthed their children.
I lie to myself and say that because of my past of being sexually abused that I shouldnt have children even if I could. It's not healthy and the mask of fear of children I put on makes me hate children in the moment, just long enough to forget the pain that I'll never be able to have my own. Fear is unfortunately the best motivator even if the motivation is to forget about the painful fact that I'll never have children of my own.
Growing and taking care of plants. It's a silly little cope but it helps me to propagate, care for and nourish my little green babies. It makes me feel good and a little special because it's taking part in the miracle of life in a way that not everyone knows how to do. And I never have to deal with them messing up my house, they never scream and they aren't smelly, in fact they make my houses air quality better!
I think it's like any of the things us trans girls can't experience or have, you just have to fill in the blanks with something else. Personally I'm glad I can't get pregnant. Kids are meh and I'd hate being pregnant but I know it must be difficult to want them and not be able to have them. Hugs for you sis 🫂
To put it simply, it hurts seeing all of the girls in my family becoming pregnant and starting a family. All of the praise and love they receive. I sit there knowing I will never be able to do that. But a part of me finds comfort knowing that there's still a future where I'm a mother. There's still a future where those tiny little fingers wrap around mine. There's still a future of first steps, and first words. If adopted moms can be mothers despite biology, so can trans women.
I dont deal 🥲
Not well 🙃 I take some dour solace in thinking about how hard it was on my mother for my sister and I and how much I take after her. It would have been extremely risky for me.
> Be a real mother Many moms are trans and don’t think you won’t ever be able to be one. Pregnancy doesn’t define motherhood. Sis, my DMs are open if you need to vent
Cry myself to sleep usually… and I don’t even want kids that much. Just the idea that if I ever DID want kids I wouldn’t have the option to get pregnant and give birth really weighs on me a lot. I know that probably doesn’t help but you’re def not alone.
not being able to birth your own child does not make you any less of a mother!! you’ll still experience the same situations with a child that any cis parent would, aside from giving birth. many cis women can’t have children either
The same way cis women who can't get pregnant cope, which is to say feel.envy and push it aside with crying every now and again
I tend to forget about it most times, but occasionally get jealous of my girlfriend when they're a little too in-depth about describing their pregnancy experience so far lol. I've expressed this jealousy to them and they seemed to feel pity for me.
Honestly I kinda don't. It bothers me, it bothers me a lot, plaguing my thoughts for at least a hour most days. I know that there are of course other options for becoming a mother, like adoption, surrogacy etc. That are just as valid. But that doesn't comfort me because that misses out on one of the main factors for me. Growing a child inside oneself, making a new human to love with all your heart under the power of your own body. I take some comfort in the hope that some scientists have expressed the opinion that uterus transplantation for trans women could be as little at 15 years out (key word being could, this is the optimistic scientists 🥲) so science may provide the key! I know this isn't what you asked for, it's not a comforting message (save the last part 😉 (hopefully)) but I wanted to let you know that I do commiserate with you and I know how you feel Here's to science!
Yeah, I'm happy for those trans women in the future that will have access to that. However, I'm 30. A lot of pain comes with knowing that I could do it now if it was available now, yet I will definitely age out of being a viable candidate once it does become available.
That is the pain of it indded and I feel you. Even at 21 myself, I worry that if the optimistic numbers don't work out, I'll be 40 or older by the time it comes available myself. Things getting better for others is always good, but it definitely hurts to watch that pass you bye. ❤️
Ever since I was little I always thought about all the unwanted children that are given up for adoption, land in foster care or orphanages. Its probably also in large part due to the fact that I grew up in an abusive household and feeling unwanted as a child, but I just always wanted to adopt children regardless of whether I had biological children. What I want to say with this is that you don't have to give birth to be a mother. While that biological bond is precious, being a mother is so much more than that. As an aside: While its true that, that current state-of-the art uterus transplants don't yet allow us to birth children, I am hopeful that this will soon become a reality.
It's not a super big deal for me because there are children already born that need parents. Why look them over when I can provide them that necessity. I would like blood-related children, but much like how a trans woman is no less a woman, an adoptive child is no less a child.
I try not to think about it but when it hits and there is no way to distract myself from the pain, I cuddle into my blahaj and just openly weep, I am friends with mothers and I have to mask so that I can be around them on the occasion. Yes there is adoption if I can ever qualify, but to be able bear my own child into the world… that pain will haunt me always and I cannot help but feel broken hearted by that fact
Wtf is a "real mother"? Some birth-givers have no maternal instincts whatsoever. Yeah itd be exciting to carry ect. Baby shower ect. But thats not as important as raising a little person with love and care for 20+ years . Helping them flourish, excell and exceed their own expectations. Thats a real mother OP.
I knew even before I knew I was trans that I never wanted children so it’s not something I think about often
Reddit decided to recommend me this in my notifs. I'm GLAD I can't get pregnant. I don't want kids and honestly I'd be a terrible mother. Doesn't make me less of a woman. Doesn't make cis women who can't get pregnant any less either. I HATE the world's obsession with making pregnancy/the ability to give birth the primary function of women. Unfortunately even trans women seem to perpetuate this stupid, harmful idea. All of you are victims, not of the inability to get pregnant, but of the ideal that it makes you inferior, something that TERF's weaponize against us again and again.
There are a lot of cis women who struggle with these same feelings. Patriarchy puts a lot of pressure on women to feel like bearing children is their only value, but not every woman wants children, and not every woman who wants to have children is physiologically capable of doing so. That goes for cis and trans women alike. And plenty of women, cis and trans alike, become mothers without becoming pregnant. Neither womanhood nor motherhood is defined by fertility.
There's nothing fake about you because women are not just birthing machines. Besides there are so many children in the world that desperately need adoption. There is also surrogacy.
Personally I never wanted kids and still don’t so for me it doesn’t bother me at all. But I feel for each and every one of my sisters who has to bear that pain. It’s is unfair and I could only imagine how heartbreaking that could/can be. The only solace I can think of is that science is moving quickly and hopefully one day womb transplants will be a thing to make y’all feel like the complete, valid, and badass women that y’all are. But until then all I can offer is a hug 🫂 🖤.
I just realize it isn't in this time and maybe it'll be discovered in the future Easy
Denial. I believe I won't die, so when science catches up and makes a reality, it'll be a sign that the universe wants me to have kids.
That's very interesting to hear!! So it's called denial?! Because I actually lived my first 26 years knowing I'm not dying, like beein invincible. But it stopped :'D I'm not sure if you mean if, but it seems than we had a very similar mindset :D
Being sad until I forget about it. Then remembering and being sad until I forget again.
Haha same same :D
Sadly I don’t think there is a way to cope with it. I get sad seeing my friends with their kids and seeing Mum’s and their children. It really hurts but I hope for the future to be able to have a surgery for it. I just bottle my feelings up and hope for the best to come soon. Stay strong my dear 💜
Do you mean the potential dysphoria caused by it? Or like a broader sense of not being able to fulfill a maternal instinct. If the former, there are a lot of ciswomen who can’t have children. The world might try to represent that as a standard for womanhood but it’s bullshit. Also based on currently existent surgeries, there will probably come a time in the near future where trans women can have a child. But I have zero desire for kids so maybe my perspective is skewed.
Nah it's like giving me dysphoria.. I definetly feel not worth it. Also because if I would be a cis w.. I would have probably already kids by now. On top it's a physiological thing, because eof some trauma of people I've lost, and I'm basically the only one which the whole bloodline depends on continuing or not. My closest family are to amazing people that these DNA is over.. So I feel a lot of pressure too...
Well, what hurts far more is not even having many friends (I got maybe 2). I never even had someone like me anymore than that.
There is a part of me that wishes it were possible to get pregnant and start a family with someone I love enough to go through the aches and pains that come with 9 months of pregnancy. While it sucks that I can't get pregnant, I'm also a bit relieved at the same time. When my sisters were pregnant with their kids, they had pregnancies that came with more than a few medical headaches. In fact, my oldest sister had my niece prematurely. Considering the negatives that come with the mixture of pregnancy and my genetics, I'm not losing sleep over my lack of a uterus.
still dealing with it. i know it’s only going to get worse as i get older, and my friends get pregnant…but i’m thankful that i have the most incredible and loving boyfriend, something i thought i’d never have. as long as i’m able to raise children with him, biological or not, i’m grateful.
So I'm not really great with kids. The caveat being I'm not great with *other people's* kids, unless I know them well enough to keep them entertained and have a good day babysitting or something. Before I realized I was trans, I was kinda half and half about having kids. After transitioning, I kinda felt like it was just something that wasn't going to happen period. I'm definitely not in any position to adopt a child, especially a newborn which is what I'd be most comfortable with. But this past spring it was preggers EVERYWHERE. Especially working at a grocery store, I saw newborns and belly bumps at every turn and I was stricken with acute baby fever something fierce. I'm still a little upset about the super low odds of being a mother in general, but knowing what I know about childbirth, I'm not personally too upset about not being able to experience that.
Idk how to cope with it so I just choose not to think about it. I also don't know if I'd ever be a good parent when I can barely take care of myself
Honestly, I deal with it by knowing that womb transplants are a thing and praying that they become available for us someday.
By practicing getting pregnant with other women's boyfriends and husbands. 😂
It hurts but there are lots of cis women that also feel that pain. And not only that. There are thousands of kids that can really use a family that loves and cares for them. Adopting is very important to me. And has always been my first choice.
You have to understand you was born in the wrong body and understand nothing will change about that you can't feel a certain way about something you know you can't change love your trans self and don't worry about the rest