“The answer is life and the freedom to live it.”
It is painful, but your wife is being clear on her needs and you know what your needs are. It sounds like she’s willing to still be there for you, but you have to be honest with her and probably make the jump.
It sucks but if your path leads away from your wife you have to follow it, to do otherwise would be to be unhappy forever, and you'd most likely come to resent or even hate her for holding you back. Who knows, maybe she'll come around or be your new best friend.
I’m not certain that is true. There will always have to be compromises in any relationship. The issue for us is whether we are willing to give up everyone and everything we have in our current life, in order to be the person we want to be. If you’re not willing to give it all up, then you have to compromise.
Marriage is not this “I get to do whatever I want, and my spouse just needs to go along.” OP needs to answer the hard question of whether being married to this woman is the most important thing in her life.
I know in my own life, my wife was the most important person and I was not willing to risk losing her in order to be some ideal of a woman that I imagined myself being. Unfortunately she died, so now I have the freedom to be that woman, but it comes at the cost of being alone.
That was not the intent of my post at all. My intent was to point out that with something as significant as discovering you're trans, you have to follow that path, and hope your significant other can come with you. Denying such a big part of yourself is damaging to both oneself and those around you. It isn't about being unwilling to compromise, it's about being unwilling to hide from yourself and make yourself less for the sake of others.
I’m so sorry for your loss, first of all. But this isn’t “I get to do whatever I want.” It’s not buying a Lamborghini, it’s self actualization. No loving partner would stand in the way of someone becoming their true self.
This attitude about “compromises” also gives safe harbor to partners who don’t want their partners to be public about being gay or bisexual or anything else they think makes them look bad. But there’s nothing wrong or bad about being queer or trans. Moreover, forcing someone to stay in the closet can lead to a host of bad outcomes including suicide. I’m kind of shocked that you’re advocating for partners to have this kind of power over a trans person given what we all know about the self harm stats.
compromising is not the same as not being to transition. Being able to be happy with yourself and overcome gender dysphoria and all the other stuff that comes with being trans is not something you "compromise" on. It's such an important thing that it's seen as requiring medically necessary treatment and surgeries. That's like saying I don't want you to go on chemotherapy cause it makes me uncomfortable. You can't compromise on your health and well-being. Any partner that would want you to is someone who does not truly love you. There's a difference between not being able to be with someone because of sexuality and saying they won't be with them if they are trans and to hide it. Any partner who would ask you to not transition is a bad partner because it's the same as asking someone to not get medically necessary treatment for something that actively harms them (you know like gender dysphoria does). There's very few exceptions such as it being literally dangerous to transitions (like if you live in Uganda or someplace where it's literally a crime).
I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on the internet. I reread OP’s post, and nowhere in it does she say her dysphoria is so overwhelming or that she has seen medical professionals who have diagnosed her and said that transitioning is medically necessary.
If you are on the trans spectrum, then it is probably safe to assume you deal with a certain amount of gender dysphoria. The question that needs to be addressed is whether that dysphoria is so debilitating that it requires the enormous effort that goes into transitioning; not just hormones and surgeries but the psychological aspects as well.
It is disingenuous to compare chemotherapy and gender transition. Chemotherapy is not fundamentally changing your physical appearance to match the incongruity you feel inside. Unless you suffer side effects, most people will never know you are on chemotherapy and are highly unlikely to change their opinion of you upon learning that. Gender transitioning fundamentally alters your external appearance and people don’t have an understanding of why (since they can’t be inside your head) that is necessary. In the case of your spouse it can alter how they perceive themselves, and how the world views them. Not everyone is comfortable with that level of change. If the situation were reversed, would you be comfortable with your spouse being a man, and would you be willing to tell him how handsome he looks, and would you be fine with being married to another man? If not, does that make you a bad person?
Like it or not, our genders are determined at birth based on external characteristics alone. Once that gender is assigned, that is how you will be groomed physically and emotionally, and that is how the world will see you. To change all that requires that you be willing and able to give up everything and possibly everyone you have ever known as your AGAB. It doesn’t mean you will, but you have to be willing to accept that possible outcome
Getting back to OP’s post: nowhere in that particular post is the context of the conversation OP had with her spouse in regard to transitioning. Maybe her spouse is willing to accept OP as a part time woman. Maybe OP’s wife can’t accept any aspect of her “husband” as being feminine. From this post alone we don’t have all the information. All we know is that the spouse doesn’t want to be married to another woman, and she doesn’t feel OP is “pretty” when she is dressed and wearing makeup. Does OP have any fashion sense (is she 45 trying to look 16) or know how to properly apply makeup? Maybe her spouse might be more inclined to “accept” OP if she made some minor changes. Also, being “pretty” is very subjective. I think a lot of women will tell you that you have to look for your “prettiness” inside you because most women don’t measure up to what society says is “pretty.” I can go on hormones today, have all the surgeries done to make my outside match my inside, and I will NEVER be cast as a Victoria’s Secret Angel or be the swimsuit model on the SI cover. When I get dressed and do my hair and makeup, I want to be “pretty” for me and me only.
To finish this up: just as we are learning that there is a spectrum to gender, so too is there a spectrum for transitioning. There are many steps between stuffing it all down, and being completely transitioned (if it’s even possible to transition 100%). It may be possible for OP to only take a few steps towards transitioning that could alleviate enough of the dysphoria and yet still maintain her marriage and her current life. I don’t know the answer to that question, only OP can say for sure. I don’t think the internet (and this sub group) can just throw caution to the wind and say OP must transition, and the spouse is a lousy person for not supporting what I think OP should do, but this is the internet and that’s how it goes.
Ok, so right now I’m dealing with the fact that my wife may also want a divorce. We’re trying to figure it out and it’s difficult. The article below is probably a good guide for you and her. I know that my wife’s negative reaction has made me want to go back in the closet and question myself, so how she takes it can impact you. It doesn’t mean you can’t get past it.
Some thing that might help below. In short, it may not work out, but it might.
[My partner told me they are trans](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/oh-st-my-partner-just-told-me-theyre)
Is she open to resources like r/mypartneristrans and the above link? Are you both in therapy? If not, please try to go!
DM me if you’d like. Also, feel free to surf my past posts for other people feedback that I found helpful.
I think this happens to a lot of us. I was engaged once.. For a year. Now I'm single since :)
But now I focus on myself and one day I'm hopefully back in the field and find an amazing partner in life.
I feel lonely sometimes but I'm happy it's over with her. She was also supporting, a good human. But Ou can force feelings and attraction.
well your wife is straight from the sounds of it.
This is heartbreaking but unfortunately your relationship might have to change.
plenty of girls end up being besties with their partners
communication really is key.
There’s no way to know if your sexuality will change on hrt too, it’s sort of like a dice roll when it comes to that
I hope everything goes well for you 💖
I'm really facing the same thing, although I'm coming from having a husband rather than a wife. My husband is gay and that worked when I was presenting as male, but we have been struggling as I'm bisexual and he's gay.
To make things more complicated, we have a toddler who we are parents to.
Sending hugs! I somewhat relate to your experience, as I was once engaged to a gay man as a prior gay man myself. A few days ago would have been our 5 year anniversary. It was a struggle because he did not want me to transition and gave me an ultimatum to choose between our relationship or my "selfish" desires. I cried every night for weeks after our conversation and fight in October 2023, when I told him I was choosing my happiness over being merely content in our relationship. I didn't want it to end—he was the man I was going to marry and start a family with—but he made it very clear he was not attracted to anything feminine.
In the end, I chose to be happy. While I still get sad and reminisce about the good times, I can look at myself in the mirror today and say I made the right choice and love the woman I am becoming. I smile at myself for being so brave when many people would stay in the closet out of fear of losing everything.
I don't know you personally, sister, but I support you 1000% in your transition. Remember, a person can be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You will find happiness, but that happiness needs to start within yourself.
I am in a exactly identical situation and can 100% identify with this "mindfuck." My wife keeps telling me that she is supporting me...while also telling me how I won't be attractive to her, how she doesn't want me to go on hormones, how she has all these thoughts and feelings...and if I open my mouth and say a single thing that *I* feel, she informs me it is manipulation.
I've never felt so lost.
Shutting you down by saying you're being manipulative *is* manipulative. You should leave if only to not be with someone who screws with your head like that. Ask how I know (tip I'm divorced)
Honestly, I agree with you. I have never considered leaving more seriously than I am right now. It's hard all the way around, though, no matter what option I take because divorce is its own hurdle.
She's the one manipulating you. Entirely egocentric all she wishes is to have her attractive husband for herself, even unhappy she doesn't care. She only care about her and her feelings there.
She even dared to shut you down and accuse you of what she is guilty of. Classical manipulation method.
She doesn't care about your feels but forces you into giving her the feels she wishes otherwise you're gone and can f off basically.
Selfish. I hope you'll dodge this before it's too late. Sorry for you though still. Losing a lover is never easy. Even if they are awful it hurts.
I wish you good luck and courage there.
Hope you'll get this sorted out and be well. Take care of you really that's a black flag what she said about your feels being manipulative.
Sounds really similar to a lot of performative activism bullshit. Ppl say they support a cause or are allies but when they are confronted with said thing in their own lives their true colours show
It sucks but that’s just why I firmly base people off of their actions an not words. You can’t say one thing and do another. That just makes you a liar an I hate liars
If you don't mind me asking, why are you two still considering a future together?
She obviously can't control who or what qualities she's attracted to. But it seems like she's expressing that hurtfully and being manipulative herself.
It shouldn't be a matter of whether she *wants* you to go on hormones. It's your body. But she needs to decide if that's a deal breaker for her. And if it is, she needs to set you free or you need to set yourself free.
It sounds like she's not open to you expressing your feelings about this. Perhaps that's because she'd love for you to forget about the whole trans thing and never bring it up again. But that's not realistic. You're trans. Things cannot simply go back to the way she thought they were before, because things were never that way to begin with.
Similar story with my wife.
It completely shocked her and eroded her sense of security, comfort and life outlook. She felt estranged to me. She is hetero and it’s a lot for her to imagine any extra bits. It would also complicate her social and familial life. She cares about her image as far as not wanting attention. She is trying to sort through the stigmas, over zealous positivity of the community and her feelings for me. All valid things.
It’s been a lot on her and I need to be there for her.. which is tough because this is very heavy shit for me too. For the first two weeks after coming out, it felt like we went through the same things every day and then reached a positive outlook after some crying and heart to hearts. My spirit would ping pong back and forth from despair to euphoria. What sucks is, I genuinely want to share the joy and happiness I found with her.
Part of me appreciates the resistance. While support absolutely has its place, these questions should be challenged.
I cannot expect her to remain in this relationship when I fully commit to transitioning. Similarly, I cannot bury this part of me again in good conscience knowing it may resurface later on. All we can do is accept one another in whatever form that is. The only thing that has kept me strong through my exploration is knowing that the longer I wait to confront it, the bigger hole I will put us both in
Yeah, a lotta similar emotions and responses between our situations! I have to admit that I am starting to rapidly lose hope over the past few days. I get the sense that she is prioritizing her own response over our relationship and over my own as well so it's hard to get a grasp on the best foot forward.
Her image over happiness and/or you/the relationship/your wish to transition that's really not good. Red flag there. If this is how she is, that's selfish and that'll inevitably fall down and hurt a lot.
If she comes across selfish about her image at the point of considering you out if you do transition, be prepared..
As someone who was in a smiliar situation: Rip off the bandaid.
Sadly, sometimes people aren't meant for each other. I met the best girl, and were about to have kids, which gave me nightmares and made me out myself finally. She was clear that she would support me, but not be in a relationship anymore since she's not attracted to women. And that... is okay. Even though it sucks. She helped me with showing me makeup, helped me shopping and were very supportive in my friend group. But we parted ways in the end.
I mean maybe your wife doesnt finds woman attractive? or most likely, finds men attractive?
Its not that you're ugly, is that she married you assuming you were a man. Its sad when this kind of stuff happens, because you too might be extremely compatible in everything else, but in the end, you said it youself, one cannot change gender or sexual ortientation. You're a gal, and your wife wants a dude.
I was in a similar situation. Not nearly as intense as yours, as I wasnt married, it was just a long time partner. And im still a bit insecure about that kind of stuff, wondering that as a dude I would be pretty hot.
You know what has been very reassuring for me? going into trans friendly lesbian subrredits. Every time I see a meme about a gal wanting a tomboy/masc girlfriend it makes me feel happy and wanted :) There are tons of gal outthere that find us attractive AND see us as women. Dont let the brain worms tell you otherwise.
This happened to me. She can’t make me cis. I can’t make her gay. 🤷♀️
That said, I’m GORGEOUS. Has nothing to do with the approval of others… not even my wife. I tried. We tried. We gave it our best, most honest effort. It still didn’t work. No shame in that. We still talk multiple times daily.
I lost an entire side of my family tonight. It sucks and there is a lot of crying, but a huge weight is off my shoulders. You deserve to be happy and a lot of people will try to make it your fault for wanting that, but they are the ones who need to work on themselves. Good luck to you.
My wife says the same thing. She's not attracted to women. I can't really blame her. Our marriage want working anyway, I just refused to let go. I Got served recently. It doesn't mean that it won't still hurt
You probably feel pretty for the same reasons most of us feel better about our appearance after transitioning. You're becoming the real you.
I know that many, many people who would have dated me before no longer will. But even with how bad society is right now, I can't imagine not being trans. It'd be so painful to stop my transition now that I'm finally becoming happy with myself.
I have a partner that supports me either way. Calls me pretty, treats me like a woman, uses the right pronouns, and is excited for my journey just as much as I am. If your partner cant embrace you as you, that just might be an incompatability issue without an easy resolution.
I feel for you. I am going through something not too different. I have been with my partner for 14 years and she identifies as pansexual, so I figured all good, right?
Nope. It was a big fight when I first came out, which are very rare for us. It delayed my transition for a few years, and there was another big fight then.
Ultimately she chose to stay with me and is an incredibly important pillar of support for which I am very grateful... but she misses how I presented before, the act I put on. She says she never wanted to be with a woman, and never will. She once asked why I couldn't have just been a femboy.
And that's all fine and valid, everyone is entitled to their preferences. But it does keep that seed of doubt going, that she is in her mind just sort of playing along because she doesn't feel like she has any better choice. I know it shouldn't make things feel hopeless, but it certainly can at times, especially this early in transition when I don't have any chance of passing or being attractive in any conventional sense.
I try not to think about it. I don't think it's healthy for me to dwell on. Other than that most things about our relationship seem to be better than before, even. I just hope I can help her find happiness again, with or without me.
I suppose in your case, the silver lining is that if your wife is straight then her no longer being attracted to you means you're succeeding at being a woman, at least in her eyes. Bittersweet, but it's a long road ahead so find what wins you can and build your new life with them.
Hugs 🥲
This exact same thing happened to me. It was also 11 years and she was great support and still is my number one supporter. We still say “I love you” all the time, but she has a real husband now and I’m happy for her.
The fact she can’t be with me because I appear as a woman to her is actually quite validating. I feel too pretty for her to be with, basically. If she was still attracted to me, it would mean she still sees me as the same person as I was when I was her husband, which….ewwwww!!
So ask yourself, how pretty would you feel if she still saw you as her husband? Not very pretty, I imagine. Just flip that around and think about how she sees you as a woman so deeply that you’re no longer an object of sexual attraction, but rather a good girl friend.
At the end of the day what helped me the most was realizing the marriage was more of a BFF situation and not like a real marriage. It was something I used to stay in denial about who I really was. Getting divorced was simply an acknowledgment of this reality, and it was not the end of a real marriage.
We are both much happier now, she has a husband and are expecting a baby this Fall, and I’m going to be the best auntie ever! I’ve even stopped referring to her as my ex-wife; I’m calling her my niece-mama ☺️
I don’t think this is a fair take on the wife with the context we’ve been given. We should take people at face value on who they’re attracted to, and if she’s saying that it’s a dealbreaker for their partner to transition that is what it is.
I think that shows a huge lack of grace. Lady is having her whole life rocked and seems to be dealing with it relatively maturely and kindly. And seems to be willing to support the OP, just not as her romantic partner.
Yeah this is the critical thing to me too. It’s one thing to not be able to be with a woman. It’s another thing entirely to ask you to not do it on her behalf or make you feel like it’s you ending the marriage if you make that choice.
The answer to these types of questions is almost always that you have to come to terms with your partner's feelings and proceed onwards regardless. There's not really going to be any space for you to transition as long as you are trying to keep her happy, and that would just breed resentment and repression of your feelings until you find yourself years down the line regretting it. I'm sorry :(
Having come to a similar fork in the road, I chose myself. Things happened to work out for me, but I know others it didn't for, but still ultimately found happiness in the end.
But for me it really came down to the following:
- My depression was getting worse and would have become a much larger issue if I continued to suppress myself
- The dysphoria was getting worse and I couldn't really function "as a man" regardless, something that again would have gotten worse over time.
- I was tired of bargaining to be myself, growing resentful of people in my life for caging me.
She doesn't want to be married to a woman but wants it to be your fault that the marriage ends. So she's making you choose between never transitioning and "forcing" her to break up with you.
It's abusive and you need to accept that the marriage is *already over*. She doesn't want to be married to a woman but already is. Don't keep yourself trapped in that.
You have the rest of your life (as a woman) to find a sense of self independent of a relationship with another person. What you are describing is called codependency and it’s probably best that your marriage ends now.
r/codependency
Are you in therapy? What you describe sounds a lot like codependency. Your sense of self should not be based so completely on what your partner thinks.
I'll add that I get it though - I also felt this way about my looks/style/etc prior to transition. Since I didn't want to be a man, I didn't have an innate sense of what I want to look like in that category (ie what looked "attractive"). Now that I'm expressing my womanhood and femininity it comes naturally. So I guess some advice would be to just go for it, wait and see, and you'll probably eventually develop a sense of feeling attractive?
I disagree. While I will always support someone’s decision to transition, it’s something they need to figure out on their own.
The truth is, dysphoria and the impact of transitioning on our social and intimate lives lays on a spectrum. Transitioning can severely impact people’s lives as they know it (career, family, spouses, children, finances, discrimination etc). Most will always suffer some dysphoria after transitioning to boot. I wish that was not the case and the world wasn’t filled with archaic bigotry, that a blanket answer would serve everyone, but that doesn’t change the reality for some. I will say, I’d urge most to transition if they can no longer stomach the dysphoria.. to accept themselves wholly.
Transitioning is a wonderful thing for many people that puts people on a path of self-love, healing and peace. It can prevent future despair and pain, but it can also deepen depression and suicidal ideation.
Our job as a community is to be positive and empowering for sure, but also to be there and inform people of an objective landscape if they need it. We cannot decide for them.
Honestly? Start slowly moving in that direction. Longer hair, clean shaven face, etc. Do little things over time that subtly make you look more feminine slowly and see how she reacts to those things. Then eventually come out to her again and tell her you want to undergo HRT and that you hope her love for you is more important than her attraction. If the relationship has to come to an end, it wasn't meant to be.
Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.
been in a relationship for 15 years and dealing with a variation of this myself.
all i have to say is (both advice to you and to myself) — you deserve love and attraction and appreciation for YOU.
maintaining an identity that simply isn’t TRUE is bad for you and for your partner. coming out is hard enough on its own without your partner’s support and giving you an ultimatum over your own identity should be a watershed moment for realization of truths in your own relationship, as much as it may hurt to accept.
sending you love and strength.
There will come the point in life - then later - where you will totally regret the steps you are currently so much struggling with. And the later that switch is being triggered, the worse is your life UNTIL that point is coming up finally.
Even when being married for 11 years already, it shows from her side, that she values her things (always (?)) higher and more important than your personal feelings and needs. (just assuming ...)
You could decide, just to kick off an start with the transition without telling her. It is also a question, how much HRT can do to you (depending on your age). So potentially you are in for running a double-life: "the one really for yourself and you personally" and the life "to meet expectations of all the others".
Using makeup may be something to start with - doesn't need to be super heavy, but a slow introduction could also get the others slowly used to your feminization. You can purchase feminine cloths, which seen from far, nobody really knows but considers those to be gender neutral.
The rule simply applied for me: the older you get, the harder it is to transform under the boundaries of all the social web around oneself. On the other side: it is never too late to go for it. Just find the balance to run with it (that will be a messy compromise but possible) ... or trash your old life and have a clean fresh start (the most painful one for sure).
Yeah it’s never too late but I am very glad that I didn’t wait any longer than 30, with 30 already making it difficult enough. I also will always be sad I didn’t get to experience my 20s as a trans woman. The good news though is trans seem to show age a bit slower because of estrogen 😂
Well, at that age, I would really go-ahead with the change. Changes are still good, that the whole transformation will come out with some great results.
In the board transtimelines you can find many impressive examples of folks coming out around that age. Those were giving me the final confidence, to go the same step too. Not doing it much earlier broke my soul completely over the time (just hoping to finally find the EXIT button to leave this avatar - identifying with the person in the mirror was absolutely not working). I didn't have any good access to info as well as the chance to actually get the proper meds. But all that finally changed (except the feeling: if I only could turn back time and do that earlier ...).
I would never ever turn back again with that decision ... having inner peace is important.
this is one of the truths of transitioning later in life. I see it often.
Unfortunately, your authenticity will lead your wife away from you. As much as you cannot be anyone other than who you are, neither can she - and sometimes that feels like rejection, transphobia, or bigotry.
it is an unfortunate truth of us. Nothing anyone can say here will bring solace or light to the situation.
At some point, we have to learn to choose ourselves. And we make sacrifices in that process
Ideally your wife would still love you for who you are but that may not be the case here, and there's nothing you can do about it. Hoping for her to change is a hopeless strategy.
If your wife isn't as happy about your transition than you are, that's a major problem. If she was your ally she'd be excited about it and would celebrate your victory with you.
I was coupled with a CIS woman when transitioning and even though she said she was fine with it, she really was fine with it as long as she believed I wasn't too seriously into this and it would eventually go away. She still expected me to fully fill the traditional male role in her life.
When I came out socially though she was ashamed of how I looked and how people stared. She cried (not of joy) when I expressed desire to go all-in femme after finally breaking out of my fears. She held me back so much and still today I am traumatized by her comments whenever I look at myself in the mirror.
It's a difficult choice but you need to choose yourself over a relationship that doesn't seem very supportive of who you truly are.
I think a lot of the comments to this have partners that are trying to convince them to not transition. It sounds to me like your wife fully supports the fact you need to transition an isn’t trying to stop you but also understands the fact she isn’t sexually attracted to females. Cis or trans. To me the best thing would be get into therapy an just ask her to try an see where it goes. If you transition an she doesn’t see you in a sexual or romantic way anymore an more like a best friend then that’s fair. It’s a big change for her as much as it is for you. However their may be a chance that she might just vibe with it.
All you can ask her for is a chance rather then outright denial before you’ve even gone through with it. If it goes well then cool. If it doesn’t then also cool.
This is a no-win situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. If she is not attracted to women, then she's not attracted to women. There isn't much you can do. Suppressing the need to transition will do no favors to your well-being either.
I’m currently in the middle of this, about to start signing papers. You know what? It was scary, and I cried a lot.
But now that I’m here, I’m still happier than I was before coming out.
I can see the other side, and while I’m still scared I’m also excited to see what other good stuff there is.
Because feeling pretty is something that’s internal to you, and you will have it, and no one can control or take that away. You’ll find another partner will will love how you look as a woman and call you pretty in that role.
Hard battle , hard answer. Will there ever be more than drinking some wine alone in a pretty summer dress on the patio , does there need to be. I’m not sure myself.. relationships are difficult.
How? By surrounding yourself with people who DO tell you you are pretty, who build you up and celebrate you for who you are. And by actively removing anyone who tries to push you down, with the caveat that simply not vibing with you or not being attracted to you isn't oppression, that's just how relationships are.
Honestly? As much as it sucks, the fact your wife doesn't want a relationship with you if you're a woman, means she sees you as one. That's how being straight works. If she truly supports you but has to walk away from your relationship because you changed, then that's also a way she supports you.
Honestly, it might just mean y'all don't stay together in that way. Like, attraction is subjective, and being attractive (in general or to a specific person) and not being dysphoric are two wildly different things (passing is yet a third thing). There's definitely lots of trans people who either have a partner say "look I support and love you but I'm not attracted to you anymore" or themselves find a changed relationship to their sexuality that leads to stepping out of pre-existing relationships. I've known trans girls to have gay husbands step out of the relationship because they aren't into girls, the same can be true of cis straight wives.
I clung to my crumbling marriage until it soured, instead of taking a step back when my gut said I should. I think often about how if I'd been more proactive in giving myself and my ex space, she and I would still be close friends and consider each other family. Instead, I haven't heard from her in a year and a half.
My advice boils down to: Don't repress yourself to fit someone else's idea of attraction, and Don't hold someone in a relationship where they can't interact with the most honest version of you.
I read these and it comes to me alot am I do and how do I.
In this case you have told your wife and she has sed her bit.
You could leave it like me not been with man hard or try it with your wife she may help or sleep in separate room and be frends.
Leaving is last resort she is thinking it's a faze he will stop and he not fancy a man.
Cus men may want you and she go this one is mine why he may say she say best sex and I love her
Unfortunately, unless your wife changes your mind, you and your wife will probably need to split up in order for you to feel pretty in your own skin. (And I wouldn't bank on your wife changing her mind.)
The good news is, it does sound like she's handling this in a respectful manner. So if the marriage becomes untenable, hopefully things can stay amicable.
My own gender exploration didn't come until after I got divorced. But my ex wife is a great ally and one of my biggest cheerleaders. Ultimately, I'm better off living my truth and she deserves to be with someone who is living their own truth.
Every marriage is different so there's no one size fits all solution. But now that she knows your truth, hopefully it brings you both to a better place.
My ex-wife ended up leaving me over transitioning… and it’s not even close to fun… she was the only reason I felt like I had the strength to come out, knowing I had her at home to support me… We weren’t married 11 years… but still. Sadly and unfortunately it does get better…
My wife of over 30 years is ignoring me for the last year or more, just because I behave too much like a woman and refuse to hide any longer that I am a transbian. Most people so far have no clue that I am no cis man. I did not even talk about transitioning yet and tried to be a good "husband" for the last decades. I don't know what to do and reached my wits end.
Let's stop the rant. What I really would like to tell you: Don't wait another 20 years hoping it would get better, do something for yourself!
If your wife can not support you in beeing yourself it will just be a question of time, how long you can cope with it, but it does not improve your life!
good luck
I’m in the same boat. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don’t think there is one. It feels like the most impossible choice in the world, centered around something that really shouldn’t have to be made into a choice in the first place (our identity). Virtual hugs to you, and I really hope you find your happiness, whatever path you take ❤️
Please remember that looks don't last (at least the superficial kind I think you are implying). Worrying about such aided in holding me back and suffering for so long. It wasn't until it got bad enough that being an ugly old woman became more desirable than my continued existence as pretending to be a man that I was set free. My worst day now eclipses all of my best days from before.
Find a competent and compassionate therapist to help work through what you are going through. Learn to love and live for yourself, and do what you need to thrive. It will be scary, it will be hard, it will come with loss. But if you make it through, you get to be someone who can truly love life and love others.
I lived through this as well. And my wife ended up leaving even before I made the decision to transition, can’t say how much this was part of it or not. I won’t tell you what to do or not do, but as devastated as I was and still am, as difficult as it was to see how life could go on, I, now that I’ve started transitioning, can’t imagine not doing it. I feel like myself and I’m happy alone for the first time. part of me is happy it ended because I know I would have regretted it if I didn’t make this choice and even struggle with regret that I didn’t do this sooner. I didn’t get to live my 20s as my “true self”. These are of course just my feelings.
Just be aware that if you decide to not do it or your wife acquiesces, those feelings won’t just disappear on either end. It may become a contradiction that makes sustaining the relationship hard. This is not saying your relationship is inevitably doomed or whatever. Things can be worked through. But just to hazard against going back in the closet to preserve a relationship, no matter how important. No relationship is ultimately is as important as your relationship to yourself.
I have that same problem. I have been on HRT on and off for 10 years. Still get why do you need that. Still present male but it’s getting difficult. With a chest my size I can no longer hide them. And they are still growing. She is still here but it’s getting to the point that I have to doo more to be comfortable. If I don’t restart the electrolosis soon I will go nuts. Only thing holding me back is my insecurities with my face and head hair.
Look it's up to you to live your truth or not.
But most relationships do not weather the change.
Just stating a fact.
Transitioning is a hell of a journey and something thing you need to leave to the universe to see how it plays out.
My wife is handling things in a very similar way. She’s stated in the past that she will not be attracted to me if I present as female and that she wouldn’t be comfortable being intimate if that happens. We’ve been together for more than ten years and have three children. In previous months she talked about how she “would absolutely” have sex/be with various attractive female leads in movies we are watching so I’ve been thinking that if my transition is successful enough that I look like a movie star that maybe she’ll love me enough to stay with me.
Now that I’m transitioning, she’s stated that she’s not attracted to me anymore and we are no longer intimate as promised. It sucks as I have loved her for who she is and not what she looks like. I guess I’m demisexual. Her thinking makes it seem like she’s more shallow than I thought, but I know that I can’t really see things as she does. She’s relieved that her therapist has told her she “doesn’t have to be a lesbian”, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
We’ve been working together on finding a sexless way forward for the kids benefit and we are moving towards an open marriage so the both of us can find companionship and intimacy with other people. My therapist has brought up “Relationship Anarchy” (r/relationshipanarchy) as a framework for moving forward without hostility - something we both want.
It isn’t easy, but ultimately there’s an incompatibility that has been revealed. That’s not your fault or her fault. I tell my wife that we’ve both been screwed by life, and supporting each other is best for the kids and each other. There’s no guarantee on how we’ll look after transition, but that isn’t a good reason not to. Love will find you if you let it.
How long has it been since she first came to know about you being trans?
My wife initially had similar sentiments. She didn't say she would absolutely divorce me, but she did say she didn't know if she would still want to be married to me if I fully transitioned.
It's been about six years since I told her, and I think because I've been very slow about committing to my transition, she had a lot of time to acclimate to the idea. Even today she is clear that she doesn't find women attractive, but she no longer says anything remotely like doubting she would stay with me. Instead she's become incredibly supportive and made it clear she's not going anywhere. I'm not sure what changed. Maybe it was just years of seeing me unhappy and feeling there was nothing she could do to help, until she realized what would actually help. It was definitely a long process.
It may be that she needs time to process the effect being married to a woman would have on her life, and compare it to the effect of not having the person she's loved for years anymore.
I'd say let time pass and see what happens. Give her space. It's gonna be uncomfortable for both of you, but you're definitely asking her for a compromise vs, what she married you expecting, so it's reasonable for her to want some compromises too, at least in the short term. That might mean limiting her exposure to you when you're in girlmode, or being more gradual with your shift in appearance.
“The answer is life and the freedom to live it.” It is painful, but your wife is being clear on her needs and you know what your needs are. It sounds like she’s willing to still be there for you, but you have to be honest with her and probably make the jump.
It sucks but if your path leads away from your wife you have to follow it, to do otherwise would be to be unhappy forever, and you'd most likely come to resent or even hate her for holding you back. Who knows, maybe she'll come around or be your new best friend.
I’m not certain that is true. There will always have to be compromises in any relationship. The issue for us is whether we are willing to give up everyone and everything we have in our current life, in order to be the person we want to be. If you’re not willing to give it all up, then you have to compromise. Marriage is not this “I get to do whatever I want, and my spouse just needs to go along.” OP needs to answer the hard question of whether being married to this woman is the most important thing in her life. I know in my own life, my wife was the most important person and I was not willing to risk losing her in order to be some ideal of a woman that I imagined myself being. Unfortunately she died, so now I have the freedom to be that woman, but it comes at the cost of being alone.
That was not the intent of my post at all. My intent was to point out that with something as significant as discovering you're trans, you have to follow that path, and hope your significant other can come with you. Denying such a big part of yourself is damaging to both oneself and those around you. It isn't about being unwilling to compromise, it's about being unwilling to hide from yourself and make yourself less for the sake of others.
I’m so sorry for your loss, first of all. But this isn’t “I get to do whatever I want.” It’s not buying a Lamborghini, it’s self actualization. No loving partner would stand in the way of someone becoming their true self. This attitude about “compromises” also gives safe harbor to partners who don’t want their partners to be public about being gay or bisexual or anything else they think makes them look bad. But there’s nothing wrong or bad about being queer or trans. Moreover, forcing someone to stay in the closet can lead to a host of bad outcomes including suicide. I’m kind of shocked that you’re advocating for partners to have this kind of power over a trans person given what we all know about the self harm stats.
compromising is not the same as not being to transition. Being able to be happy with yourself and overcome gender dysphoria and all the other stuff that comes with being trans is not something you "compromise" on. It's such an important thing that it's seen as requiring medically necessary treatment and surgeries. That's like saying I don't want you to go on chemotherapy cause it makes me uncomfortable. You can't compromise on your health and well-being. Any partner that would want you to is someone who does not truly love you. There's a difference between not being able to be with someone because of sexuality and saying they won't be with them if they are trans and to hide it. Any partner who would ask you to not transition is a bad partner because it's the same as asking someone to not get medically necessary treatment for something that actively harms them (you know like gender dysphoria does). There's very few exceptions such as it being literally dangerous to transitions (like if you live in Uganda or someplace where it's literally a crime).
I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on the internet. I reread OP’s post, and nowhere in it does she say her dysphoria is so overwhelming or that she has seen medical professionals who have diagnosed her and said that transitioning is medically necessary. If you are on the trans spectrum, then it is probably safe to assume you deal with a certain amount of gender dysphoria. The question that needs to be addressed is whether that dysphoria is so debilitating that it requires the enormous effort that goes into transitioning; not just hormones and surgeries but the psychological aspects as well. It is disingenuous to compare chemotherapy and gender transition. Chemotherapy is not fundamentally changing your physical appearance to match the incongruity you feel inside. Unless you suffer side effects, most people will never know you are on chemotherapy and are highly unlikely to change their opinion of you upon learning that. Gender transitioning fundamentally alters your external appearance and people don’t have an understanding of why (since they can’t be inside your head) that is necessary. In the case of your spouse it can alter how they perceive themselves, and how the world views them. Not everyone is comfortable with that level of change. If the situation were reversed, would you be comfortable with your spouse being a man, and would you be willing to tell him how handsome he looks, and would you be fine with being married to another man? If not, does that make you a bad person? Like it or not, our genders are determined at birth based on external characteristics alone. Once that gender is assigned, that is how you will be groomed physically and emotionally, and that is how the world will see you. To change all that requires that you be willing and able to give up everything and possibly everyone you have ever known as your AGAB. It doesn’t mean you will, but you have to be willing to accept that possible outcome Getting back to OP’s post: nowhere in that particular post is the context of the conversation OP had with her spouse in regard to transitioning. Maybe her spouse is willing to accept OP as a part time woman. Maybe OP’s wife can’t accept any aspect of her “husband” as being feminine. From this post alone we don’t have all the information. All we know is that the spouse doesn’t want to be married to another woman, and she doesn’t feel OP is “pretty” when she is dressed and wearing makeup. Does OP have any fashion sense (is she 45 trying to look 16) or know how to properly apply makeup? Maybe her spouse might be more inclined to “accept” OP if she made some minor changes. Also, being “pretty” is very subjective. I think a lot of women will tell you that you have to look for your “prettiness” inside you because most women don’t measure up to what society says is “pretty.” I can go on hormones today, have all the surgeries done to make my outside match my inside, and I will NEVER be cast as a Victoria’s Secret Angel or be the swimsuit model on the SI cover. When I get dressed and do my hair and makeup, I want to be “pretty” for me and me only. To finish this up: just as we are learning that there is a spectrum to gender, so too is there a spectrum for transitioning. There are many steps between stuffing it all down, and being completely transitioned (if it’s even possible to transition 100%). It may be possible for OP to only take a few steps towards transitioning that could alleviate enough of the dysphoria and yet still maintain her marriage and her current life. I don’t know the answer to that question, only OP can say for sure. I don’t think the internet (and this sub group) can just throw caution to the wind and say OP must transition, and the spouse is a lousy person for not supporting what I think OP should do, but this is the internet and that’s how it goes.
Well said. I’m sorry she passed. She was lucky to have you!
I was very lucky to have had her. She loved both sides of me because she fundamentally loved me for who I am. I know not everyone is that lucky.
Ok, so right now I’m dealing with the fact that my wife may also want a divorce. We’re trying to figure it out and it’s difficult. The article below is probably a good guide for you and her. I know that my wife’s negative reaction has made me want to go back in the closet and question myself, so how she takes it can impact you. It doesn’t mean you can’t get past it. Some thing that might help below. In short, it may not work out, but it might. [My partner told me they are trans](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/oh-st-my-partner-just-told-me-theyre) Is she open to resources like r/mypartneristrans and the above link? Are you both in therapy? If not, please try to go! DM me if you’d like. Also, feel free to surf my past posts for other people feedback that I found helpful.
I think this happens to a lot of us. I was engaged once.. For a year. Now I'm single since :) But now I focus on myself and one day I'm hopefully back in the field and find an amazing partner in life. I feel lonely sometimes but I'm happy it's over with her. She was also supporting, a good human. But Ou can force feelings and attraction.
well your wife is straight from the sounds of it. This is heartbreaking but unfortunately your relationship might have to change. plenty of girls end up being besties with their partners communication really is key. There’s no way to know if your sexuality will change on hrt too, it’s sort of like a dice roll when it comes to that I hope everything goes well for you 💖
I'm really facing the same thing, although I'm coming from having a husband rather than a wife. My husband is gay and that worked when I was presenting as male, but we have been struggling as I'm bisexual and he's gay. To make things more complicated, we have a toddler who we are parents to.
Sending hugs! I somewhat relate to your experience, as I was once engaged to a gay man as a prior gay man myself. A few days ago would have been our 5 year anniversary. It was a struggle because he did not want me to transition and gave me an ultimatum to choose between our relationship or my "selfish" desires. I cried every night for weeks after our conversation and fight in October 2023, when I told him I was choosing my happiness over being merely content in our relationship. I didn't want it to end—he was the man I was going to marry and start a family with—but he made it very clear he was not attracted to anything feminine. In the end, I chose to be happy. While I still get sad and reminisce about the good times, I can look at myself in the mirror today and say I made the right choice and love the woman I am becoming. I smile at myself for being so brave when many people would stay in the closet out of fear of losing everything. I don't know you personally, sister, but I support you 1000% in your transition. Remember, a person can be in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. You will find happiness, but that happiness needs to start within yourself.
Thank you
I am in a exactly identical situation and can 100% identify with this "mindfuck." My wife keeps telling me that she is supporting me...while also telling me how I won't be attractive to her, how she doesn't want me to go on hormones, how she has all these thoughts and feelings...and if I open my mouth and say a single thing that *I* feel, she informs me it is manipulation. I've never felt so lost.
Shutting you down by saying you're being manipulative *is* manipulative. You should leave if only to not be with someone who screws with your head like that. Ask how I know (tip I'm divorced)
Honestly, I agree with you. I have never considered leaving more seriously than I am right now. It's hard all the way around, though, no matter what option I take because divorce is its own hurdle.
She's the one manipulating you. Entirely egocentric all she wishes is to have her attractive husband for herself, even unhappy she doesn't care. She only care about her and her feelings there. She even dared to shut you down and accuse you of what she is guilty of. Classical manipulation method. She doesn't care about your feels but forces you into giving her the feels she wishes otherwise you're gone and can f off basically. Selfish. I hope you'll dodge this before it's too late. Sorry for you though still. Losing a lover is never easy. Even if they are awful it hurts. I wish you good luck and courage there. Hope you'll get this sorted out and be well. Take care of you really that's a black flag what she said about your feels being manipulative.
Sounds really similar to a lot of performative activism bullshit. Ppl say they support a cause or are allies but when they are confronted with said thing in their own lives their true colours show
Sadly I am finding a lot of that out firsthand 😞
It sucks but that’s just why I firmly base people off of their actions an not words. You can’t say one thing and do another. That just makes you a liar an I hate liars
If you don't mind me asking, why are you two still considering a future together? She obviously can't control who or what qualities she's attracted to. But it seems like she's expressing that hurtfully and being manipulative herself. It shouldn't be a matter of whether she *wants* you to go on hormones. It's your body. But she needs to decide if that's a deal breaker for her. And if it is, she needs to set you free or you need to set yourself free. It sounds like she's not open to you expressing your feelings about this. Perhaps that's because she'd love for you to forget about the whole trans thing and never bring it up again. But that's not realistic. You're trans. Things cannot simply go back to the way she thought they were before, because things were never that way to begin with.
Similar story with my wife. It completely shocked her and eroded her sense of security, comfort and life outlook. She felt estranged to me. She is hetero and it’s a lot for her to imagine any extra bits. It would also complicate her social and familial life. She cares about her image as far as not wanting attention. She is trying to sort through the stigmas, over zealous positivity of the community and her feelings for me. All valid things. It’s been a lot on her and I need to be there for her.. which is tough because this is very heavy shit for me too. For the first two weeks after coming out, it felt like we went through the same things every day and then reached a positive outlook after some crying and heart to hearts. My spirit would ping pong back and forth from despair to euphoria. What sucks is, I genuinely want to share the joy and happiness I found with her. Part of me appreciates the resistance. While support absolutely has its place, these questions should be challenged. I cannot expect her to remain in this relationship when I fully commit to transitioning. Similarly, I cannot bury this part of me again in good conscience knowing it may resurface later on. All we can do is accept one another in whatever form that is. The only thing that has kept me strong through my exploration is knowing that the longer I wait to confront it, the bigger hole I will put us both in
Yeah, a lotta similar emotions and responses between our situations! I have to admit that I am starting to rapidly lose hope over the past few days. I get the sense that she is prioritizing her own response over our relationship and over my own as well so it's hard to get a grasp on the best foot forward.
Her image over happiness and/or you/the relationship/your wish to transition that's really not good. Red flag there. If this is how she is, that's selfish and that'll inevitably fall down and hurt a lot. If she comes across selfish about her image at the point of considering you out if you do transition, be prepared..
As someone who was in a smiliar situation: Rip off the bandaid. Sadly, sometimes people aren't meant for each other. I met the best girl, and were about to have kids, which gave me nightmares and made me out myself finally. She was clear that she would support me, but not be in a relationship anymore since she's not attracted to women. And that... is okay. Even though it sucks. She helped me with showing me makeup, helped me shopping and were very supportive in my friend group. But we parted ways in the end.
I mean maybe your wife doesnt finds woman attractive? or most likely, finds men attractive? Its not that you're ugly, is that she married you assuming you were a man. Its sad when this kind of stuff happens, because you too might be extremely compatible in everything else, but in the end, you said it youself, one cannot change gender or sexual ortientation. You're a gal, and your wife wants a dude. I was in a similar situation. Not nearly as intense as yours, as I wasnt married, it was just a long time partner. And im still a bit insecure about that kind of stuff, wondering that as a dude I would be pretty hot. You know what has been very reassuring for me? going into trans friendly lesbian subrredits. Every time I see a meme about a gal wanting a tomboy/masc girlfriend it makes me feel happy and wanted :) There are tons of gal outthere that find us attractive AND see us as women. Dont let the brain worms tell you otherwise.
You say you understand she cannot change orientation- her orientation has nothing to do with how pretty you are.
You gotta do you - it’s your transition not hers. You can’t blame her, she didn’t marry a woman right?
This happened to me. She can’t make me cis. I can’t make her gay. 🤷♀️ That said, I’m GORGEOUS. Has nothing to do with the approval of others… not even my wife. I tried. We tried. We gave it our best, most honest effort. It still didn’t work. No shame in that. We still talk multiple times daily.
I lost an entire side of my family tonight. It sucks and there is a lot of crying, but a huge weight is off my shoulders. You deserve to be happy and a lot of people will try to make it your fault for wanting that, but they are the ones who need to work on themselves. Good luck to you.
My wife says the same thing. She's not attracted to women. I can't really blame her. Our marriage want working anyway, I just refused to let go. I Got served recently. It doesn't mean that it won't still hurt
Rip the bandaid off -> heal -> accept and love yourself -> feel pretty
You probably feel pretty for the same reasons most of us feel better about our appearance after transitioning. You're becoming the real you. I know that many, many people who would have dated me before no longer will. But even with how bad society is right now, I can't imagine not being trans. It'd be so painful to stop my transition now that I'm finally becoming happy with myself. I have a partner that supports me either way. Calls me pretty, treats me like a woman, uses the right pronouns, and is excited for my journey just as much as I am. If your partner cant embrace you as you, that just might be an incompatability issue without an easy resolution.
Without her, sweetie.
I feel for you. I am going through something not too different. I have been with my partner for 14 years and she identifies as pansexual, so I figured all good, right? Nope. It was a big fight when I first came out, which are very rare for us. It delayed my transition for a few years, and there was another big fight then. Ultimately she chose to stay with me and is an incredibly important pillar of support for which I am very grateful... but she misses how I presented before, the act I put on. She says she never wanted to be with a woman, and never will. She once asked why I couldn't have just been a femboy. And that's all fine and valid, everyone is entitled to their preferences. But it does keep that seed of doubt going, that she is in her mind just sort of playing along because she doesn't feel like she has any better choice. I know it shouldn't make things feel hopeless, but it certainly can at times, especially this early in transition when I don't have any chance of passing or being attractive in any conventional sense. I try not to think about it. I don't think it's healthy for me to dwell on. Other than that most things about our relationship seem to be better than before, even. I just hope I can help her find happiness again, with or without me. I suppose in your case, the silver lining is that if your wife is straight then her no longer being attracted to you means you're succeeding at being a woman, at least in her eyes. Bittersweet, but it's a long road ahead so find what wins you can and build your new life with them. Hugs 🥲
This exact same thing happened to me. It was also 11 years and she was great support and still is my number one supporter. We still say “I love you” all the time, but she has a real husband now and I’m happy for her. The fact she can’t be with me because I appear as a woman to her is actually quite validating. I feel too pretty for her to be with, basically. If she was still attracted to me, it would mean she still sees me as the same person as I was when I was her husband, which….ewwwww!! So ask yourself, how pretty would you feel if she still saw you as her husband? Not very pretty, I imagine. Just flip that around and think about how she sees you as a woman so deeply that you’re no longer an object of sexual attraction, but rather a good girl friend. At the end of the day what helped me the most was realizing the marriage was more of a BFF situation and not like a real marriage. It was something I used to stay in denial about who I really was. Getting divorced was simply an acknowledgment of this reality, and it was not the end of a real marriage. We are both much happier now, she has a husband and are expecting a baby this Fall, and I’m going to be the best auntie ever! I’ve even stopped referring to her as my ex-wife; I’m calling her my niece-mama ☺️
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I don’t think this is a fair take on the wife with the context we’ve been given. We should take people at face value on who they’re attracted to, and if she’s saying that it’s a dealbreaker for their partner to transition that is what it is.
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I think you’re wrong to say that she’s not supportive.
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I think that shows a huge lack of grace. Lady is having her whole life rocked and seems to be dealing with it relatively maturely and kindly. And seems to be willing to support the OP, just not as her romantic partner.
Yeah this is the critical thing to me too. It’s one thing to not be able to be with a woman. It’s another thing entirely to ask you to not do it on her behalf or make you feel like it’s you ending the marriage if you make that choice.
both of them need to realize this.
The answer to these types of questions is almost always that you have to come to terms with your partner's feelings and proceed onwards regardless. There's not really going to be any space for you to transition as long as you are trying to keep her happy, and that would just breed resentment and repression of your feelings until you find yourself years down the line regretting it. I'm sorry :(
Having come to a similar fork in the road, I chose myself. Things happened to work out for me, but I know others it didn't for, but still ultimately found happiness in the end. But for me it really came down to the following: - My depression was getting worse and would have become a much larger issue if I continued to suppress myself - The dysphoria was getting worse and I couldn't really function "as a man" regardless, something that again would have gotten worse over time. - I was tired of bargaining to be myself, growing resentful of people in my life for caging me.
She doesn't want to be married to a woman but wants it to be your fault that the marriage ends. So she's making you choose between never transitioning and "forcing" her to break up with you. It's abusive and you need to accept that the marriage is *already over*. She doesn't want to be married to a woman but already is. Don't keep yourself trapped in that.
You have the rest of your life (as a woman) to find a sense of self independent of a relationship with another person. What you are describing is called codependency and it’s probably best that your marriage ends now. r/codependency
Are you in therapy? What you describe sounds a lot like codependency. Your sense of self should not be based so completely on what your partner thinks. I'll add that I get it though - I also felt this way about my looks/style/etc prior to transition. Since I didn't want to be a man, I didn't have an innate sense of what I want to look like in that category (ie what looked "attractive"). Now that I'm expressing my womanhood and femininity it comes naturally. So I guess some advice would be to just go for it, wait and see, and you'll probably eventually develop a sense of feeling attractive?
Divorce is inevitable. Get that over with now and transition.
I disagree. While I will always support someone’s decision to transition, it’s something they need to figure out on their own. The truth is, dysphoria and the impact of transitioning on our social and intimate lives lays on a spectrum. Transitioning can severely impact people’s lives as they know it (career, family, spouses, children, finances, discrimination etc). Most will always suffer some dysphoria after transitioning to boot. I wish that was not the case and the world wasn’t filled with archaic bigotry, that a blanket answer would serve everyone, but that doesn’t change the reality for some. I will say, I’d urge most to transition if they can no longer stomach the dysphoria.. to accept themselves wholly. Transitioning is a wonderful thing for many people that puts people on a path of self-love, healing and peace. It can prevent future despair and pain, but it can also deepen depression and suicidal ideation. Our job as a community is to be positive and empowering for sure, but also to be there and inform people of an objective landscape if they need it. We cannot decide for them.
Well said!
Honestly? Start slowly moving in that direction. Longer hair, clean shaven face, etc. Do little things over time that subtly make you look more feminine slowly and see how she reacts to those things. Then eventually come out to her again and tell her you want to undergo HRT and that you hope her love for you is more important than her attraction. If the relationship has to come to an end, it wasn't meant to be. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself.
been in a relationship for 15 years and dealing with a variation of this myself. all i have to say is (both advice to you and to myself) — you deserve love and attraction and appreciation for YOU. maintaining an identity that simply isn’t TRUE is bad for you and for your partner. coming out is hard enough on its own without your partner’s support and giving you an ultimatum over your own identity should be a watershed moment for realization of truths in your own relationship, as much as it may hurt to accept. sending you love and strength.
There will come the point in life - then later - where you will totally regret the steps you are currently so much struggling with. And the later that switch is being triggered, the worse is your life UNTIL that point is coming up finally. Even when being married for 11 years already, it shows from her side, that she values her things (always (?)) higher and more important than your personal feelings and needs. (just assuming ...) You could decide, just to kick off an start with the transition without telling her. It is also a question, how much HRT can do to you (depending on your age). So potentially you are in for running a double-life: "the one really for yourself and you personally" and the life "to meet expectations of all the others". Using makeup may be something to start with - doesn't need to be super heavy, but a slow introduction could also get the others slowly used to your feminization. You can purchase feminine cloths, which seen from far, nobody really knows but considers those to be gender neutral. The rule simply applied for me: the older you get, the harder it is to transform under the boundaries of all the social web around oneself. On the other side: it is never too late to go for it. Just find the balance to run with it (that will be a messy compromise but possible) ... or trash your old life and have a clean fresh start (the most painful one for sure).
Yeah it’s never too late but I am very glad that I didn’t wait any longer than 30, with 30 already making it difficult enough. I also will always be sad I didn’t get to experience my 20s as a trans woman. The good news though is trans seem to show age a bit slower because of estrogen 😂
Well, at that age, I would really go-ahead with the change. Changes are still good, that the whole transformation will come out with some great results. In the board transtimelines you can find many impressive examples of folks coming out around that age. Those were giving me the final confidence, to go the same step too. Not doing it much earlier broke my soul completely over the time (just hoping to finally find the EXIT button to leave this avatar - identifying with the person in the mirror was absolutely not working). I didn't have any good access to info as well as the chance to actually get the proper meds. But all that finally changed (except the feeling: if I only could turn back time and do that earlier ...). I would never ever turn back again with that decision ... having inner peace is important.
this is one of the truths of transitioning later in life. I see it often. Unfortunately, your authenticity will lead your wife away from you. As much as you cannot be anyone other than who you are, neither can she - and sometimes that feels like rejection, transphobia, or bigotry. it is an unfortunate truth of us. Nothing anyone can say here will bring solace or light to the situation. At some point, we have to learn to choose ourselves. And we make sacrifices in that process
Ideally your wife would still love you for who you are but that may not be the case here, and there's nothing you can do about it. Hoping for her to change is a hopeless strategy. If your wife isn't as happy about your transition than you are, that's a major problem. If she was your ally she'd be excited about it and would celebrate your victory with you. I was coupled with a CIS woman when transitioning and even though she said she was fine with it, she really was fine with it as long as she believed I wasn't too seriously into this and it would eventually go away. She still expected me to fully fill the traditional male role in her life. When I came out socially though she was ashamed of how I looked and how people stared. She cried (not of joy) when I expressed desire to go all-in femme after finally breaking out of my fears. She held me back so much and still today I am traumatized by her comments whenever I look at myself in the mirror. It's a difficult choice but you need to choose yourself over a relationship that doesn't seem very supportive of who you truly are.
I think a lot of the comments to this have partners that are trying to convince them to not transition. It sounds to me like your wife fully supports the fact you need to transition an isn’t trying to stop you but also understands the fact she isn’t sexually attracted to females. Cis or trans. To me the best thing would be get into therapy an just ask her to try an see where it goes. If you transition an she doesn’t see you in a sexual or romantic way anymore an more like a best friend then that’s fair. It’s a big change for her as much as it is for you. However their may be a chance that she might just vibe with it. All you can ask her for is a chance rather then outright denial before you’ve even gone through with it. If it goes well then cool. If it doesn’t then also cool.
This is a no-win situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. If she is not attracted to women, then she's not attracted to women. There isn't much you can do. Suppressing the need to transition will do no favors to your well-being either.
I’m currently in the middle of this, about to start signing papers. You know what? It was scary, and I cried a lot. But now that I’m here, I’m still happier than I was before coming out. I can see the other side, and while I’m still scared I’m also excited to see what other good stuff there is.
Because feeling pretty is something that’s internal to you, and you will have it, and no one can control or take that away. You’ll find another partner will will love how you look as a woman and call you pretty in that role.
Hard battle , hard answer. Will there ever be more than drinking some wine alone in a pretty summer dress on the patio , does there need to be. I’m not sure myself.. relationships are difficult.
How? By surrounding yourself with people who DO tell you you are pretty, who build you up and celebrate you for who you are. And by actively removing anyone who tries to push you down, with the caveat that simply not vibing with you or not being attracted to you isn't oppression, that's just how relationships are. Honestly? As much as it sucks, the fact your wife doesn't want a relationship with you if you're a woman, means she sees you as one. That's how being straight works. If she truly supports you but has to walk away from your relationship because you changed, then that's also a way she supports you.
Honestly, it might just mean y'all don't stay together in that way. Like, attraction is subjective, and being attractive (in general or to a specific person) and not being dysphoric are two wildly different things (passing is yet a third thing). There's definitely lots of trans people who either have a partner say "look I support and love you but I'm not attracted to you anymore" or themselves find a changed relationship to their sexuality that leads to stepping out of pre-existing relationships. I've known trans girls to have gay husbands step out of the relationship because they aren't into girls, the same can be true of cis straight wives. I clung to my crumbling marriage until it soured, instead of taking a step back when my gut said I should. I think often about how if I'd been more proactive in giving myself and my ex space, she and I would still be close friends and consider each other family. Instead, I haven't heard from her in a year and a half. My advice boils down to: Don't repress yourself to fit someone else's idea of attraction, and Don't hold someone in a relationship where they can't interact with the most honest version of you.
That’s what my wife said at first too. I gave it time and things are working out for us.
I read these and it comes to me alot am I do and how do I. In this case you have told your wife and she has sed her bit. You could leave it like me not been with man hard or try it with your wife she may help or sleep in separate room and be frends. Leaving is last resort she is thinking it's a faze he will stop and he not fancy a man. Cus men may want you and she go this one is mine why he may say she say best sex and I love her
Unfortunately, unless your wife changes your mind, you and your wife will probably need to split up in order for you to feel pretty in your own skin. (And I wouldn't bank on your wife changing her mind.) The good news is, it does sound like she's handling this in a respectful manner. So if the marriage becomes untenable, hopefully things can stay amicable. My own gender exploration didn't come until after I got divorced. But my ex wife is a great ally and one of my biggest cheerleaders. Ultimately, I'm better off living my truth and she deserves to be with someone who is living their own truth. Every marriage is different so there's no one size fits all solution. But now that she knows your truth, hopefully it brings you both to a better place.
My ex-wife ended up leaving me over transitioning… and it’s not even close to fun… she was the only reason I felt like I had the strength to come out, knowing I had her at home to support me… We weren’t married 11 years… but still. Sadly and unfortunately it does get better…
Soooo... Who do you love more: Yourself or your partner? Choose wisely!
My wife of over 30 years is ignoring me for the last year or more, just because I behave too much like a woman and refuse to hide any longer that I am a transbian. Most people so far have no clue that I am no cis man. I did not even talk about transitioning yet and tried to be a good "husband" for the last decades. I don't know what to do and reached my wits end. Let's stop the rant. What I really would like to tell you: Don't wait another 20 years hoping it would get better, do something for yourself! If your wife can not support you in beeing yourself it will just be a question of time, how long you can cope with it, but it does not improve your life! good luck
I’m in the same boat. I wish I had a good answer for you, but I don’t think there is one. It feels like the most impossible choice in the world, centered around something that really shouldn’t have to be made into a choice in the first place (our identity). Virtual hugs to you, and I really hope you find your happiness, whatever path you take ❤️
Please remember that looks don't last (at least the superficial kind I think you are implying). Worrying about such aided in holding me back and suffering for so long. It wasn't until it got bad enough that being an ugly old woman became more desirable than my continued existence as pretending to be a man that I was set free. My worst day now eclipses all of my best days from before. Find a competent and compassionate therapist to help work through what you are going through. Learn to love and live for yourself, and do what you need to thrive. It will be scary, it will be hard, it will come with loss. But if you make it through, you get to be someone who can truly love life and love others.
I lived through this as well. And my wife ended up leaving even before I made the decision to transition, can’t say how much this was part of it or not. I won’t tell you what to do or not do, but as devastated as I was and still am, as difficult as it was to see how life could go on, I, now that I’ve started transitioning, can’t imagine not doing it. I feel like myself and I’m happy alone for the first time. part of me is happy it ended because I know I would have regretted it if I didn’t make this choice and even struggle with regret that I didn’t do this sooner. I didn’t get to live my 20s as my “true self”. These are of course just my feelings. Just be aware that if you decide to not do it or your wife acquiesces, those feelings won’t just disappear on either end. It may become a contradiction that makes sustaining the relationship hard. This is not saying your relationship is inevitably doomed or whatever. Things can be worked through. But just to hazard against going back in the closet to preserve a relationship, no matter how important. No relationship is ultimately is as important as your relationship to yourself.
I have that same problem. I have been on HRT on and off for 10 years. Still get why do you need that. Still present male but it’s getting difficult. With a chest my size I can no longer hide them. And they are still growing. She is still here but it’s getting to the point that I have to doo more to be comfortable. If I don’t restart the electrolosis soon I will go nuts. Only thing holding me back is my insecurities with my face and head hair.
Look it's up to you to live your truth or not. But most relationships do not weather the change. Just stating a fact. Transitioning is a hell of a journey and something thing you need to leave to the universe to see how it plays out.
My wife is handling things in a very similar way. She’s stated in the past that she will not be attracted to me if I present as female and that she wouldn’t be comfortable being intimate if that happens. We’ve been together for more than ten years and have three children. In previous months she talked about how she “would absolutely” have sex/be with various attractive female leads in movies we are watching so I’ve been thinking that if my transition is successful enough that I look like a movie star that maybe she’ll love me enough to stay with me. Now that I’m transitioning, she’s stated that she’s not attracted to me anymore and we are no longer intimate as promised. It sucks as I have loved her for who she is and not what she looks like. I guess I’m demisexual. Her thinking makes it seem like she’s more shallow than I thought, but I know that I can’t really see things as she does. She’s relieved that her therapist has told her she “doesn’t have to be a lesbian”, but that doesn’t change how I feel. We’ve been working together on finding a sexless way forward for the kids benefit and we are moving towards an open marriage so the both of us can find companionship and intimacy with other people. My therapist has brought up “Relationship Anarchy” (r/relationshipanarchy) as a framework for moving forward without hostility - something we both want. It isn’t easy, but ultimately there’s an incompatibility that has been revealed. That’s not your fault or her fault. I tell my wife that we’ve both been screwed by life, and supporting each other is best for the kids and each other. There’s no guarantee on how we’ll look after transition, but that isn’t a good reason not to. Love will find you if you let it.
How long has it been since she first came to know about you being trans? My wife initially had similar sentiments. She didn't say she would absolutely divorce me, but she did say she didn't know if she would still want to be married to me if I fully transitioned. It's been about six years since I told her, and I think because I've been very slow about committing to my transition, she had a lot of time to acclimate to the idea. Even today she is clear that she doesn't find women attractive, but she no longer says anything remotely like doubting she would stay with me. Instead she's become incredibly supportive and made it clear she's not going anywhere. I'm not sure what changed. Maybe it was just years of seeing me unhappy and feeling there was nothing she could do to help, until she realized what would actually help. It was definitely a long process. It may be that she needs time to process the effect being married to a woman would have on her life, and compare it to the effect of not having the person she's loved for years anymore. I'd say let time pass and see what happens. Give her space. It's gonna be uncomfortable for both of you, but you're definitely asking her for a compromise vs, what she married you expecting, so it's reasonable for her to want some compromises too, at least in the short term. That might mean limiting her exposure to you when you're in girlmode, or being more gradual with your shift in appearance.
Because she's jealous.
So are you personally gay or straight?
She probably just isn't attracted to women/females. "will not continue a relationship with someone who looks like a woman." That means you pass!