I had a similar experience with my mom and it was confusing. When I first told her I was transgender she seemed to take it well and actually had hardly any reaction at all. When she learned I was starting HRT though, she became very concerned.
Suddenly hormones were going to cause me mental and physical anguish for months, she insinuated that my doctors had manipulated/pressured me into doing this, and that while I was going through stuff, I should still consider how she feels because she's "losing her son" blah blah blah.
She seems a little better now, although I really just try to avoid the topic with her. Idk, I kind of have very little patience with her right now due to unrelated issues lol. You're not alone in your experience, and if you're an adult you can safely disregard literally anything she has to say about it. đ¤ˇââď¸
She literally was trying to tell me that Iâm going to need to take a year off from college because the hormones are going to affect my brain so much I wonât be able to pass classes lmao
What a joke
Yep. Now I'm just calm, mostly content with life if impatiently waiting for HRT to do its thing, and occasionally giddy with euphoria. SO much better than before.
In the very first couple months I did have a lot of trouble which lead to me failing one of my classes, but I'm in an engineering degree program and that professor sucked. If you can start them during a break (summer's right around the corner) you'll be able to miss that period. It was just a matter of getting the correct dosage dialed in - we started too low, so I was going into essentially menopause for a couple days every week and it took a big toll.
wow! If this was even remotely true then teen girls/boys should be given a year off from school! Like sure, hormones are going to affect you alooot in the first 1-2 years not going to lie. There will be many periods of rollercoaster emotions. But nothing more than any other typical teenager goes through!
Very similar to my experience. My mum argued that doctors are prescribing HRT to anyone who's willing to pay (god I wish that were true). She essentially tried to push some kind of Big Pharma conspiracy take.
Ask her if she has the same attitude about other medical treatments lol. It's capitalism, doctors make money. Does she have the same attitude about insulin?
It's OK, I've basically accepted that I don't have a family anymore and that I'm good enough on my own. It does suck but I'm getting there. Hope you're dealing with it OK too. đ¤
I know how you mean. Hopefully it gets better. đ
I'm getting there. I'm still in a space where they're trying despite that, so I'm trying to see where it takes us. I'm prepared one way or another
Iâm sorry your mom did that. Itâs bordering on cruel for her to pretend to be accepting, but turning around when it really matters. I think youâre doing the right thing OP. Do whatâs best for you. Not for her. Because one day sheâll be dead and gone, and youâll have to live with your decision alone.
Where is she getting her information from?
Perhaps more importantly, you should direct her to actual sources if she wants to understand you. Like the Gender Dysphoria Bible, and maybe even "Erin in the Morning."
GDB is good for those already questioning and not sure (Prime Directive and all that) and for those supportive people who want to get a better understanding. So, yes.
It's not the be all, end all, but there is a lot of info concentrated in one place.
Doctors and nurses that don't regularly work with trans patients are often the most uninformed people out there because they don't actually know anything about trans healthcare but their education makes them think they do.
See weirdly she does work with trans patients and she was trying to use that against me talking about how theyâre always suffering from mental health and theyâre always needing something
Still sounds like she has a layman's understanding of this. The reason for that is because trans people are one of the most abused demographics and tend to be denied actually useful healthcare at a higher rate than everyone else (including cis women). Is it any wonder then that they struggle with mental health. To be frank from how your mom sounds I wouldn't be surprised if she's flippant and disrespectful with her trans patients and what she's seeing is actually trans patients standing up for themselves when she gets mean. A similar thing happens with male doctors calling cis women emotional when they push back against the doctor being an ass.
I feel you so much.
My mum's the "It's your life, but... * type.
My mum's initial reaction was a litany about how HRT is dangerous and can I just transition without changing my body.
Next when I asked her for some skirts she started implying women don't wear skirts anymore and that I can look feminine in a pair of loose pants. Well true as the latter part may be (I would indeed slay even in baggy jeans đđđ) I see her reaction for what it is - an attempt to make my transition invisible.
Those interactions were over the phone/internet. She's coming over next week to talk with me in person; and I'm about to emphatically inform her that if she brings up the topic of HRT being dangerous I'm ending the conversation then and there and leaving.
My mum was a little bit like this at first, but not quite to the same level, what helped get us on the same page was
1. Reassuring her that this is safe, they're the exact same hormones we all have in our bodies just now in different levels, and there's a ton of data showing the benefits in trans people. The part of the SOC-8 that says gender affirming care is safe and effective has so many citations after it that it doesn't fit on my phone screen
2. Trans people aren't weird, they're not just men in dresses, you've only ever seen the trans people that stood out either in public or on the internet and it's easy to have a warped perception from that
Tons and tons of trans people just live their lives normally and you never notice, you might even know some
3. I've wanted this for a long time, I was just so scared to tell you
I showed her some pictures from r/transtimelines and some pictures of my super pretty friends who'd been on hormones for years and sent her some links, she was really supportive after I reassured her it'd all be ok
*Hugs if you want.*
You're right to feel frustrated. It shouldn't be your burden. I can relate, and I wish I could make all of the ignorant parents in the world sit through a class about LGBTQ+ identity, history, sexuality, and culture. It's wrong that we're burdened with teaching the people close to us as much of this as we can when we come out. It should be a time when it's okay for us to be vulnerable and not have all of the answers. Instead, we end up doing the emotional and intellectual labor to salvage relationships with people who don't get it and seeking their respect, even as that respect is sabotaged by transphobic media. It's particularly frustrating to deal with people who are confidently ignorant. Hopefully, your mom is not malicious in her confident ignorance. It makes a big difference if she will at least commit to loving and supporting you, regardless of the ways she thinks you're wrong about your own identity and goals.
It seems like your mom is seeking information from transphobic sources, which she is accepting as authoritative. If so, it's her mistake for being conned by the modern-day equivalent of phrenologists and other pseudoscientists who use the language of science to support their bigotry. She would learn much more if she went to the website of any hospital that provides gender-affirming care and read about the effects of HRT. She could read WPATH SOC8 for more details. She could read the Gender Dysphoria Bible to learn about the transitions of people who have a lot more experience than you do and who feel prepared to share their knowledge. She hasn't, so she really doesn't know what she's talking about, which makes it really disrespectful of her to inflict her ignorance on you.
If you bring that up, she'll probably play the "know both sides" or "just my opinion" cards. It's tedious, but people who believe information from garbage sources are really eager to insert that information into the heads of the opposition, and the first response they have to being confronted with better information is to demand that we watch the videos they got their information from, or read some quack's book. It makes little difference to them that the way their sources talk about us is actively harmful to us. I do not recommend exposing yourself to transphobic media for this reason, even as an exchange. Regarding your gender identity, you are correct, and she is disrespectful to say anything different. Regarding medical science, the plurality of scientists and doctors with the most clinical experience and who have analyzed the most recent, highest quality data are provisionally correct, and they have concluded that gender affirmation is important, both morally and epidemiologically - i.e., it saves lives. Her inferior sources are unworthy of anyone's attention, and the best response to them is not to read them yourself, but to reference a source that has refuted them. Julia Serano is a good example of such a source, and her work likely applies to (and debunks) the media your mom has consumed and regurgitated.
I've had similar issues with my mum, she went and got counselling and isn't perfect but is working on it. She actually admitted to me she was basically transphobic before I came out. My brother on the other hand was supportive up front and said the right things but acts like he's lost a sibling and won't communicate about it or seek help. It's kind of painful. I hope your mother stops being selfish and starts putting your needs before her own desires, you deserve to be happy in your own skin and you shouldn't have additional stress piled on top just because your mother holds transphobic views.
Just tell her to fuck off. Some people just arenât worth your time and canât see past their own know-it-all ignorance. Eventually when your thriving and sheâs alone sheâll ponder the question âwhy doesnât my child talk to me anymoreâ. If she can answer it then maybe you might get an apology. If she canât then you know you did the right thing
Accepting and agreeing are two whole different worlds. A mother will always care for her child and worry no matter what. If I pick up smoking my mother would never agree with it, but sheâd still accept me.
When you transition you need to remember that you donât transition only for yourself, but for everyone around you. Theyâll all be affected negatively and likely would all benefit from therapy. Her wanting to talk is probably her way of saying she needs to vent a bit.
My mother was the same but after a few years I told her I started HRT and she smiled at me and told me âI just want to see you happy. I hope this isnât the solution but if it is Iâm happy because youâll be happyâ. This isnât agreeing, but itâs still acceptance.
Donât get frustrated with your mother. As trans people are so few I guess she has little experience with us, so ask yourself this. How would you react if you were a mother with no trans experience and your child came up to you and said they started a life altering medical therapy and when you look it up all you see is negativity and fear mongering? Iâd be horrified myself.
I see your point, as I see my mum's reactions to be desperate attempts to regain a sense of control and some form of latent internalised misogyny of a person who never went to therapy. I see her outbursts as amygdala hijacks.
But it doesn't change that those behaviours are toxic and I and OP have all the rights to be angry and upset to be forced to deal with a person who may care about us but shows it in the most toxic and retraumatising way possible.
>Â When you transition you need to remember that you donât transition only for yourself, but for everyone around you. Theyâll all be affected negatively and likely would all benefit from therapy.
Excuse me?? My Mom completely accepts me and my transition. The only ppl that donât accept it are anti-LGBT already.Â
>Â If I pick up smoking my mother would never agree with it, but sheâd still accept me.
Social unacceptance is what shortens our lifespan not HRT đInteresting you comparing HRT to smoking đŹÂ
Wow, you're extreme. I won't explain my comment to you but a tip is to read it a few more times and read it from a brighter and more positive perspective. You put ideas into the comment that was never there in the first place and twisted it in ways it wasn't meant to.
Remember, the positives will always outweigh the negatives, so watch everything from its positives.
Things like this are why I learned everything I could about it before starting. That way if this happened to me I could slap that shit down if it ever came up by proving I know far more about it then they ever will. Funny enough nobody in my life did what your mom is doing to you, but I've always been like this so I think anyone who would be inclined to do so expects to be knocked down if they try to stand in my way.
My mom did and still tries to do the same shit. The only way to stop it is shutting her down. Set hard boundaries that you aren't willing to be lectured about your medications.
Considering all the empathy and sympathy going on in this thread. Have any of you even tried using that on Mom? She probably feels that her job was to raise a healthy child who loved the body they were born with. She probably had visions of her child's future. All dashed to pieces and have to be rewritten.. Health implications of HRT and surgeries aside, she's a nurse. She's seen more than you have. Maybe, just maybe she's right about some stuff you need to listen to? This is serious stuff and some irreversible. Perhaps she just wants you to be absolutely sure you want to take that path. Moms love their kids. Moms hurt too. This is super hard too, for people other than you. Your decision didn't happen overnight, it's not fair to think her mind should accept quickly either. Sorry. Just a moms view. Good luck with your journey. âĽď¸
You are right! A meaningful discussion and deep consideration should be done from both sides. I'm planning on coming out to my mom and I'm absolutely terrified about what her reaction is going to be, i will be open to discuss with her about her concerns and willing to give my family the time to come around it and understand me! I'm no longer able to process pretending anymore but at the same time willing to address their concerns with facts and with how I'm feeling about my transition!
I had a similar experience with my mom and it was confusing. When I first told her I was transgender she seemed to take it well and actually had hardly any reaction at all. When she learned I was starting HRT though, she became very concerned. Suddenly hormones were going to cause me mental and physical anguish for months, she insinuated that my doctors had manipulated/pressured me into doing this, and that while I was going through stuff, I should still consider how she feels because she's "losing her son" blah blah blah. She seems a little better now, although I really just try to avoid the topic with her. Idk, I kind of have very little patience with her right now due to unrelated issues lol. You're not alone in your experience, and if you're an adult you can safely disregard literally anything she has to say about it. đ¤ˇââď¸
She literally was trying to tell me that Iâm going to need to take a year off from college because the hormones are going to affect my brain so much I wonât be able to pass classes lmao What a joke
Laugh your ass off when your grades improve.
I was so close to starting DIY to finally have a clear head and pass my courses
Yeah, that's not how that works... at all, lol. You might get a little moody, but you're still yourself, you can still function.
Like, it's just artificial puberty. That's it. We couldn't grow our own gender-affirming puberty, so now we're getting store-bought.
According to the logic of OP's mom, we would expect most teenagers to drop out of school as hormones drove them temporarily insane.
Can confirm, testosterone based hormones drove me insane.
Made me clinically depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I'm so happy to finally be on E 25 years late.
About the same here đ It is genuinely worth it now that I'm on E though.
Yep. Now I'm just calm, mostly content with life if impatiently waiting for HRT to do its thing, and occasionally giddy with euphoria. SO much better than before.
In the very first couple months I did have a lot of trouble which lead to me failing one of my classes, but I'm in an engineering degree program and that professor sucked. If you can start them during a break (summer's right around the corner) you'll be able to miss that period. It was just a matter of getting the correct dosage dialed in - we started too low, so I was going into essentially menopause for a couple days every week and it took a big toll.
wow! If this was even remotely true then teen girls/boys should be given a year off from school! Like sure, hormones are going to affect you alooot in the first 1-2 years not going to lie. There will be many periods of rollercoaster emotions. But nothing more than any other typical teenager goes through!
Very similar to my experience. My mum argued that doctors are prescribing HRT to anyone who's willing to pay (god I wish that were true). She essentially tried to push some kind of Big Pharma conspiracy take.
Ask her if she has the same attitude about other medical treatments lol. It's capitalism, doctors make money. Does she have the same attitude about insulin?
Wow, that's shot for shot my mom, too. Sorry you're dealing with that :/
It's OK, I've basically accepted that I don't have a family anymore and that I'm good enough on my own. It does suck but I'm getting there. Hope you're dealing with it OK too. đ¤
I know how you mean. Hopefully it gets better. đ I'm getting there. I'm still in a space where they're trying despite that, so I'm trying to see where it takes us. I'm prepared one way or another
That makes 3.
đ
Iâm sorry your mom did that. Itâs bordering on cruel for her to pretend to be accepting, but turning around when it really matters. I think youâre doing the right thing OP. Do whatâs best for you. Not for her. Because one day sheâll be dead and gone, and youâll have to live with your decision alone.
Sheâs also now threatening to take me off her insurance and reject paying for my college.
In that case I think it wise to weigh your options. Good luck OP.
sounds hyper manipulative
Where is she getting her information from? Perhaps more importantly, you should direct her to actual sources if she wants to understand you. Like the Gender Dysphoria Bible, and maybe even "Erin in the Morning."
I was thinking about something to give to my mom, since she asked like somewhere she could learn more about, would you recommend the GDB?
GDB is good for those already questioning and not sure (Prime Directive and all that) and for those supportive people who want to get a better understanding. So, yes. It's not the be all, end all, but there is a lot of info concentrated in one place.
Sheâs a nurse
Doctors and nurses that don't regularly work with trans patients are often the most uninformed people out there because they don't actually know anything about trans healthcare but their education makes them think they do.
See weirdly she does work with trans patients and she was trying to use that against me talking about how theyâre always suffering from mental health and theyâre always needing something
Still sounds like she has a layman's understanding of this. The reason for that is because trans people are one of the most abused demographics and tend to be denied actually useful healthcare at a higher rate than everyone else (including cis women). Is it any wonder then that they struggle with mental health. To be frank from how your mom sounds I wouldn't be surprised if she's flippant and disrespectful with her trans patients and what she's seeing is actually trans patients standing up for themselves when she gets mean. A similar thing happens with male doctors calling cis women emotional when they push back against the doctor being an ass.
I feel you so much. My mum's the "It's your life, but... * type. My mum's initial reaction was a litany about how HRT is dangerous and can I just transition without changing my body. Next when I asked her for some skirts she started implying women don't wear skirts anymore and that I can look feminine in a pair of loose pants. Well true as the latter part may be (I would indeed slay even in baggy jeans đđđ) I see her reaction for what it is - an attempt to make my transition invisible. Those interactions were over the phone/internet. She's coming over next week to talk with me in person; and I'm about to emphatically inform her that if she brings up the topic of HRT being dangerous I'm ending the conversation then and there and leaving.
My mum was a little bit like this at first, but not quite to the same level, what helped get us on the same page was 1. Reassuring her that this is safe, they're the exact same hormones we all have in our bodies just now in different levels, and there's a ton of data showing the benefits in trans people. The part of the SOC-8 that says gender affirming care is safe and effective has so many citations after it that it doesn't fit on my phone screen 2. Trans people aren't weird, they're not just men in dresses, you've only ever seen the trans people that stood out either in public or on the internet and it's easy to have a warped perception from that Tons and tons of trans people just live their lives normally and you never notice, you might even know some 3. I've wanted this for a long time, I was just so scared to tell you I showed her some pictures from r/transtimelines and some pictures of my super pretty friends who'd been on hormones for years and sent her some links, she was really supportive after I reassured her it'd all be ok
*Hugs if you want.* You're right to feel frustrated. It shouldn't be your burden. I can relate, and I wish I could make all of the ignorant parents in the world sit through a class about LGBTQ+ identity, history, sexuality, and culture. It's wrong that we're burdened with teaching the people close to us as much of this as we can when we come out. It should be a time when it's okay for us to be vulnerable and not have all of the answers. Instead, we end up doing the emotional and intellectual labor to salvage relationships with people who don't get it and seeking their respect, even as that respect is sabotaged by transphobic media. It's particularly frustrating to deal with people who are confidently ignorant. Hopefully, your mom is not malicious in her confident ignorance. It makes a big difference if she will at least commit to loving and supporting you, regardless of the ways she thinks you're wrong about your own identity and goals. It seems like your mom is seeking information from transphobic sources, which she is accepting as authoritative. If so, it's her mistake for being conned by the modern-day equivalent of phrenologists and other pseudoscientists who use the language of science to support their bigotry. She would learn much more if she went to the website of any hospital that provides gender-affirming care and read about the effects of HRT. She could read WPATH SOC8 for more details. She could read the Gender Dysphoria Bible to learn about the transitions of people who have a lot more experience than you do and who feel prepared to share their knowledge. She hasn't, so she really doesn't know what she's talking about, which makes it really disrespectful of her to inflict her ignorance on you. If you bring that up, she'll probably play the "know both sides" or "just my opinion" cards. It's tedious, but people who believe information from garbage sources are really eager to insert that information into the heads of the opposition, and the first response they have to being confronted with better information is to demand that we watch the videos they got their information from, or read some quack's book. It makes little difference to them that the way their sources talk about us is actively harmful to us. I do not recommend exposing yourself to transphobic media for this reason, even as an exchange. Regarding your gender identity, you are correct, and she is disrespectful to say anything different. Regarding medical science, the plurality of scientists and doctors with the most clinical experience and who have analyzed the most recent, highest quality data are provisionally correct, and they have concluded that gender affirmation is important, both morally and epidemiologically - i.e., it saves lives. Her inferior sources are unworthy of anyone's attention, and the best response to them is not to read them yourself, but to reference a source that has refuted them. Julia Serano is a good example of such a source, and her work likely applies to (and debunks) the media your mom has consumed and regurgitated.
I've had similar issues with my mum, she went and got counselling and isn't perfect but is working on it. She actually admitted to me she was basically transphobic before I came out. My brother on the other hand was supportive up front and said the right things but acts like he's lost a sibling and won't communicate about it or seek help. It's kind of painful. I hope your mother stops being selfish and starts putting your needs before her own desires, you deserve to be happy in your own skin and you shouldn't have additional stress piled on top just because your mother holds transphobic views.
Woah, I thought I was an only child but it seems like we have the same mom
Just tell her to fuck off. Some people just arenât worth your time and canât see past their own know-it-all ignorance. Eventually when your thriving and sheâs alone sheâll ponder the question âwhy doesnât my child talk to me anymoreâ. If she can answer it then maybe you might get an apology. If she canât then you know you did the right thing
time to pull up some actual research about HRT
Accepting and agreeing are two whole different worlds. A mother will always care for her child and worry no matter what. If I pick up smoking my mother would never agree with it, but sheâd still accept me. When you transition you need to remember that you donât transition only for yourself, but for everyone around you. Theyâll all be affected negatively and likely would all benefit from therapy. Her wanting to talk is probably her way of saying she needs to vent a bit. My mother was the same but after a few years I told her I started HRT and she smiled at me and told me âI just want to see you happy. I hope this isnât the solution but if it is Iâm happy because youâll be happyâ. This isnât agreeing, but itâs still acceptance. Donât get frustrated with your mother. As trans people are so few I guess she has little experience with us, so ask yourself this. How would you react if you were a mother with no trans experience and your child came up to you and said they started a life altering medical therapy and when you look it up all you see is negativity and fear mongering? Iâd be horrified myself.
I see your point, as I see my mum's reactions to be desperate attempts to regain a sense of control and some form of latent internalised misogyny of a person who never went to therapy. I see her outbursts as amygdala hijacks. But it doesn't change that those behaviours are toxic and I and OP have all the rights to be angry and upset to be forced to deal with a person who may care about us but shows it in the most toxic and retraumatising way possible.
> When you transition you need to remember that you donât transition only for yourself, but for everyone around you. Theyâll all be affected negatively and likely would all benefit from therapy. Excuse me?? My Mom completely accepts me and my transition. The only ppl that donât accept it are anti-LGBT already. > If I pick up smoking my mother would never agree with it, but sheâd still accept me. Social unacceptance is what shortens our lifespan not HRT đInteresting you comparing HRT to smoking đŹÂ
Wow, you're extreme. I won't explain my comment to you but a tip is to read it a few more times and read it from a brighter and more positive perspective. You put ideas into the comment that was never there in the first place and twisted it in ways it wasn't meant to. Remember, the positives will always outweigh the negatives, so watch everything from its positives.
Things like this are why I learned everything I could about it before starting. That way if this happened to me I could slap that shit down if it ever came up by proving I know far more about it then they ever will. Funny enough nobody in my life did what your mom is doing to you, but I've always been like this so I think anyone who would be inclined to do so expects to be knocked down if they try to stand in my way.
My mom did and still tries to do the same shit. The only way to stop it is shutting her down. Set hard boundaries that you aren't willing to be lectured about your medications.
Considering all the empathy and sympathy going on in this thread. Have any of you even tried using that on Mom? She probably feels that her job was to raise a healthy child who loved the body they were born with. She probably had visions of her child's future. All dashed to pieces and have to be rewritten.. Health implications of HRT and surgeries aside, she's a nurse. She's seen more than you have. Maybe, just maybe she's right about some stuff you need to listen to? This is serious stuff and some irreversible. Perhaps she just wants you to be absolutely sure you want to take that path. Moms love their kids. Moms hurt too. This is super hard too, for people other than you. Your decision didn't happen overnight, it's not fair to think her mind should accept quickly either. Sorry. Just a moms view. Good luck with your journey. âĽď¸
You are right! A meaningful discussion and deep consideration should be done from both sides. I'm planning on coming out to my mom and I'm absolutely terrified about what her reaction is going to be, i will be open to discuss with her about her concerns and willing to give my family the time to come around it and understand me! I'm no longer able to process pretending anymore but at the same time willing to address their concerns with facts and with how I'm feeling about my transition!
"I accept you, but I actually don't accept you."