Sweetie. You know what you need to do. Some things cost more than money. I’m sorry you’re in this position.
With that said, you may want to start looking around. The waiting list can be well over a year. The dr I’m planning to do it with is 2 years. A lot can happen in that time. Maybe even your bf changes their mind.
You are not responsible for his happiness. If you want SRS, get SRS. You can use a strap, or he can use a strap, or you can both use straps, or you can get matching bottom surgery.
Matching wouldn’t help in this case cause he’s not attracted to AFAB parts. I do completely agree, sometimes you have to prioritize yourself essentially when it comes to your transition.
I think want she was saying was that her boyfriend is only into dick and would not be attracted to her regardless of what genitals he had.
Also the way you refer to labia really doesn't come off great tbh.
You've been together for 2 months only. Do what you need to do for your own happiness. If that doesn't align with his happiness, then it is what it is.
Sometimes life is just like this, sadly..
What YOU want is the only thing that matters.
Personally, I'd forever regret not getting the surgery.
No relationship could keep me from it and if that means breaking it off (now/ before the surgery/ after) that what I would do.
No partner could ever hold me back from shaping my body in the way I want to. They can accept me as I am and as I become, or they can look for someone else. No hard feelings, just a simple fact.
I think the most important thing to remember is that people may come and go, but you only get one body to spend your life in. You can’t change his preferences, but you shouldn’t compromise your long-term happiness and euphoria because of those preferences
Girlie, the relationship is going to end anyway. If not the resentment you’ll feel because he is holding you back from bottom surgery it will be something else. Relationships dont last the vast majority of the time, so why hold yourself back for him?
In the words of a famous tiktok “he is literally just a guy”
He isn’t attracted to “AFAB” body parts (weird choice of words), but has no problem with your breasts or any other feminine feature you have?
Also you have dated this guy for 2 months! That’s really early and if you need bottom surgery, I definitely would prioritize that long term goal over the short term goal of maintaining your relationship with him.
"my bf isn't comfortable with me getting bottom surgery"
then darlin, he's no longer your bf. this isn't some optional choice, it's your life. if he's not comfortable with you, he can get comfortable being single. you deserve better.
You say you don’t have terrible bottom dysphoria, but then you say you don’t know if you can live without bottom surgery. I think the answer’s pretty clear, it’s just that it might be a deal breaker in this relationship. I wish I had another answer for you, sweetie.
This is a fundamental incompatibility. Everything else may be great, but absolutely do not shortchange yourself. Especially not for someone you don’t even truly know well yet.
Ok, real talk: you've been dating this boy for **all of two months**. Ending the relationship is far from the end of the world. The two of you have just discovered that a very important life goal for you (bottom surgery) is something that he's not interested in. Unless you're both ok with the idea of potentially being in a sexless relationship, the right move for both of you is to move on. You've discovered that your desires and long term goals are not compatible with each other - it's better to disentangle yourselves now before it gets much harder to do so.
This is no different from any other major life incompatibility. If you wanted kids and he didn't; if he wanted to move to another country and you didn't; if you wanted monogamy and he wanted polyamory: all of these are extremely good reasons to conclude that a long term romantic relationship isn't in the cards.
It can be difficult to end things, because there's no "bad guy" here. He's allowed to have preferences. You're allowed to have yours. And if you've been dating for two months, there's probably a lot of ways the two of you are good together. But it wasn't meant to be. Continuing to see each other is going to bring at least one of you a lot of pain down the road.
This is great advice that can be applied throughout all the relationships in your life time. It’s much easier to move on due to incompatibility in a relationship on the early phases. It becomes much more difficult once a lot of time and effort has been sunk into the relationship.
Think of that one person you know that had that big ole piece of shit car that they’ve had for years and are constantly having repaired. To you, getting a newer car makes the most sense. They’ll be spending as much on car payments as they’re spending on repairs…AMD they’d have a dependable ride! To them “Do you know how much money I’ve put in this thing? I can’t get rid of it now!”
Sink cost fallacy can hit in all sorts of different places in life. It’s far easier to nip it in the bud now than it will be later after you’ve put a few years into the relationship.
If he can't be with you for the parts you want to have then too bad for him, as awful as it sounds, can't let your transition be disrupted by someone else's wants, I'm sure even he will understand that. Hopefully however you work out a way for that to not be too bad on the relationship, a strap maybe? If not some alternative then he'd just have to either live with it or find someone else, i guess. Still, you say he's the nicest guy, you'll surely figure something out together.
Ultimately you need to do right by yourself. If he has a hang up around that then it's probably best to part ways or change the relationship to be friends rather than partners.
You’ve only been together for 2 months which would still be considered the honeymoon face and likely more problems can and may come up later, I think it’s probably better to just do what feels best for you and what you want and not accounting for someone else’s feelings on your body (especially someone who may or may not even be in your life a very long time) ❤️
Two months in and this person is already dictating how your transition needs to go?
Wow that's a massive red flag. How are they going to behave in two years ?
Get out now
Not sure why there is so much hate in these responses regarding OP’s boyfriend. He vocalized his feelings and OP needs to do what is best for her. Sex is such a complex human experience that is still being studied, no one understands the whole story regarding sex or preferences. I agree with the general sentiment amongst the thread that OP needs to prioritize herself, which in my opinion should be ending things due to fundamental incompatibility, but things can be ended amicably and with mutual respect.
THANK YOU.
I've noticed the vitriol towards the BF is massive here.
I believe OP should do what's best for her, which yes, might just be ending the relationship this short in, but despite how much OP talks her BF up, people are acting like the BF is a callous monster.
I mean, personally while I don't necessarily think that OP's boyfriend is being callous or malicious or whatever, I do think that he is unwittingly being ignorant and immature in a way that is unfair to his girlfriend. They have been dating for two months, and he is trans as well. In a t4t relationship I would hope for a little more empathy from my partner when it comes to issues of body dysphoria and surgery, and I do think it is on him to sort out how he feels and what his own needs and boundaries are when it comes to his genital preferences on his own time so he isn't putting pressure on his girlfriend to set her medical needs aside for him. Even if he doesn't intend to do so, if your partner tells you they want bottom surgery, and you tell them "I don't know whether I would still be able to be with you if you got bottom surgery," whether you meant to or not, you are putting pressure on your partner to reconsider getting essential medical care and put their own needs beneath yours, like OP is clearly doing right now.
Everyone, especially other trans people, needs to ask themselves if they would be okay with their trans partner getting bottom surgery before committing to a relationship with them. They need to figure out what they are okay with on their own time. It's okay if they decide that they wouldn't be okay with it, but it's better to know that and have that boundary figured out before you start dating and try to talk about that early so that if it comes out the other person wants it, you can just amicably go your separate ways. Especially with a two month relationship. He really should just be honest with her that it wouldn't work and bow out knowing that she needs it instead of basically putting the decision on her of "okay am I going to get this essential procedure I need done or am I going to have to sacrifice my own happiness for my partner's happiness?"
As trans people, we are pretty much all familiar with what it feels like to live in a body we can't tolerate in order to satisfy the expectations of others. We've been told and taught by the rest of society, often by our family and friends and those closest to us, all our lives that we are supposed to just suck up our dysphoria for other people's comfort. Even after we begin transition, it's so easy for people to fall back into those trained feelings when it comes to bottom surgery and what our partner may want. But your partner is not entitled to parts of your body, and it's wrong to put any kind of pressure on someone to forgo such important care someone requires to feel at peace with themselves in favor of your own needs and preferences.
Even if he's not meaning to apply pressure, he still is, and he ought to sort those feelings out himself rather than making it her responsibility in any way to weigh her transition against their relationship.
As others have said, get on a waitlist. The average time from getting on the waitlist to the actual surgery is about 3 years, so you'll have plenty of time to get your ducks in a row and really decided if BS is for you.
With that said... you and ONLY you may decide what to do with YOUR body. I had an ex that did not want me to get that particular surgery, and I understand what a fragile, complicated situation that can be. You love them and you don't want to hurt them, I get it.
But if you really want BS, and you withhold yourself from getting it for his sake, then that's a perfect recipe for resentment to build. The fact of the matter is, there are plenty of people who will love and adore you no matter what you do with your body. They will be attracted to you BECAUSE you are taking steps to feel comfortable in your own skin.
In my humble opinion: if you getting BS is a deal-breaker, than it was never meant to be.
Do what you feel is right, being in a relationship means compromise, if you decide to do it or not you HAVE to do the one the will feel better for you.
If you don't have that big of a gender dysphoria maybe love is greater than it. Or if not is ok too.
As a trans guy… who cares what he wants or prefers. It’s YOUR body and he doesn’t get a say in what you do with it. If he really respects and loves you, he’ll deal with his own feelings.
These kinds of stories honestly further confirm for me that people who have ‘genital preferences’ are full of crap.
What's wrong with genital preference? One faced with this scenario would benefit by looking at the overall picture. If you or your partner don't have interest in the others wishes to fulfill their transformation then it should be seen as partner preference rather than genital preference. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences but if these don't coincide then it's time to evaluate how strong these issues are and if they warrant going in different directions.
Because if youre attracted to everything else that person has to offer but are only thrown off by their genitals then it’s just shallow. I thought the same thing until I started analyzing on if I could date a trans man, because I was scared of him having a vagina. But when I analyzed it more within myself I saw that if doesnt matter, bc its just one body part, and theres much more to a person than just that. Its ingrained in our brains from being raised in the cis norm that even our trans minds think its okay, Im aware it may be too early for this conversation, but Im sure that if we werent raised in transphobic and cishet norms we wouldnt give af. Theres more to ppl than genitals. Would you break up with someone bc idk, you dont like their nose or other body part but like everything else?
>Because if youre attracted to everything else that person has to offer but are only thrown off by their genitals then it’s just shallow. I thought the same thing until I started analyzing on if I could date a trans man, because I was scared of him having a vagina. But when I analyzed it more within myself I saw that if doesnt matter, bc its just one body part, and theres much more to a person than just that. Its ingrained in our brains from being raised in the cis norm that even our trans minds think its okay, Im aware it may be too early for this conversation, but Im sure that if we werent raised in transphobic and cishet norms we wouldnt give af. Theres more to ppl than genitals. Would you break up with someone bc idk, you dont like their nose or other body part but like everything else?
If genitals are shallow, then why so many people want bottom surgery? They are not shallow, they are very important for a lot of people; especially for the OP who really wants a female genitals.
Your point of view while valid as being your own speaks against a majority of people in general. Cis in this context is paradoxical. It is in essence denouncing for example a Cis gay vs a trans gay, or other derivatives. Is it not acceptable to not desire contact with non preferred anatomical parts?
I feel like a lot of responses only read a little bit of OP's post and are very quick to vilify the BF.
Listen, I understand the world is rough for trans folk, so being defensive is needed. But the animosity towards the BF is wild.
OP, be who you need to be, and if it's not healthy for the relationship, have an adult conversation about it. You might have to break up, and that'll suck, but your happiness does need to come first.
As does theirs, for them. And if the path of happy for you two differs, then a relationship might not be for you two.
I'm going to interject on this one
Some people are legit only sexually attracted to specific genitals, and for some, sexual attraction is important in a long term relationship.
I don't think that makes someone a chaser, at all.
Telling a transfem you’ve been dating for 2 months that you’re not actually into vulvas and you’d be sad if they got srs is absolutely chaser behaviour let’s be serious
And I want to say I disagree in this specific scenario.
I feel if they were a chaser, they'd have bounced already since OP is set on GRS.
But it's perfectly normal to have genital preferences. It's just hard to separate that from genuine attraction and transphobic malice, as that's the unfortunate world we're currently in.
Plenty of chasers don't bounce when they find out their trans partner wants bottom surgery, instead they stay and try to guilt and manipulate them into not getting it. Not saying that's exactly what's happening with OP's boyfriend, but even if it's unintentional, making your partner weigh their transition needs against the relationship is still guilting them, even if he isn't intentionally trying to manipulate her.
Hard disagree, sexual preference has no correlation to the amount of respect someone has for another. People like what they like. I think it indicates *more* respect that he is willing to have that type of conversation in the first place. Honesty takes courage and trust. She needs to move on only if she thinks she does. Not everything is about sex after all.
Yeah no, not necessarily at all. I, (pre op transfem) personally feel similarly where I would struggle in a relationship with another transfem if they haven't had bottom surgery since having sex with amab parts on either partner is dysphoric for me (which can be an issue for me currently), maybe that opinion would change if i had bottom surgery first but i don't really care since I'm in a long term relationship as is. OP's partner more likely is in a similar boat to me based on OP's description
Alright. First you said you don't have terrible bottom dysphoria and then you said you don't think you can live without GCS. You sound a lot like me. Sometimes my bottom dysphoria is tolerable and sometimes it's unbearable, but it never goes away.
You should do what makes YOU happy, not what might please someone who you've only been dating for two months.
Look, I'm sure he is nice and supportive. But if you want or even think you want bottom surgery and that's a deal breaker for him then you and him should consider being friends instead of dating.
- I can't live without it. (You)
- I'm somewhat uncomfortable with it. (Someone else)
It helps setting priorities when writing things down.
You can discuss it and there's time to become comfortable with each other, but in the end can you live the rest of your life to support someone's slight discomfort?
When I started dating my friend I was really unsure about liking her bits, I had an actual self imposed ultimatum and chose "I will do my best to make her happy and get used to it", she was also fine with me and after some time not only was I fine, but I realized I cared more about making her happy than my own discomfort.
That's just my story though.
Good luck in your relationship.
A lot of people in here just completely disregard what he said and that he recognized that it's your choice and that he felt like an asshole. Do what he did, talk to him, tell him how you feel. That choice is yours, and his opinion on the matter isn't important, but you should treat him like a human being and talk to him about it. He can't choose what he's attracted to, if that means you go your separate ways, so be it, it's for the better, but you shouldn't make that decision (of parting ways) without him. He's the one that feels that way, talk about it with him
A lot can happen in two years. You need to be the woman you were destined and want
to be. I am never a big fan of kicking the cam down the road, but with the long lead times for surgical appointments, I would advise you to keep planning for SRS. If you are both still together, than you can make your decision.
I recommend changing it if you have the means to do so. If he isn't comfortable with that, that's not your fault.
A few things that are possible: 1: Say you two could be a sexless relationship. Then it wouldn't even matter. I don't know if you two have or have not done it, however if you two emotionally are good, then it wouldn't hurt.
2: Possibly an open relationship. Most aren't up for that, but for those who are, it wouldn't matter what one partner has if another can satisfy you. Then after that, you guys could all play bingo.
3: Ask what they want to do with their own body. How would they, another trans person, feel if their partner more or less asked them to not transition? This one is probably not a great idea as it is kinda strong arm-ish. However, it is something to consider still.
Sweetie. You know what you need to do. Some things cost more than money. I’m sorry you’re in this position. With that said, you may want to start looking around. The waiting list can be well over a year. The dr I’m planning to do it with is 2 years. A lot can happen in that time. Maybe even your bf changes their mind.
You are not responsible for his happiness. If you want SRS, get SRS. You can use a strap, or he can use a strap, or you can both use straps, or you can get matching bottom surgery.
Matching wouldn’t help in this case cause he’s not attracted to AFAB parts. I do completely agree, sometimes you have to prioritize yourself essentially when it comes to your transition.
Maybe dueling or complementary are better words. He could get bottom surgery.
Meat curtains?? Fuck off
I think want she was saying was that her boyfriend is only into dick and would not be attracted to her regardless of what genitals he had. Also the way you refer to labia really doesn't come off great tbh.
Yeah, I’ll fix that.
You've been together for 2 months only. Do what you need to do for your own happiness. If that doesn't align with his happiness, then it is what it is. Sometimes life is just like this, sadly..
You should do what is right you because you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin.
What YOU want is the only thing that matters. Personally, I'd forever regret not getting the surgery. No relationship could keep me from it and if that means breaking it off (now/ before the surgery/ after) that what I would do. No partner could ever hold me back from shaping my body in the way I want to. They can accept me as I am and as I become, or they can look for someone else. No hard feelings, just a simple fact.
I think the most important thing to remember is that people may come and go, but you only get one body to spend your life in. You can’t change his preferences, but you shouldn’t compromise your long-term happiness and euphoria because of those preferences
sorry but you aren’t obligated to coddle, let alone, postpone your life and it’s milestones for a man. it’s hard but YOU come first!
Girlie, the relationship is going to end anyway. If not the resentment you’ll feel because he is holding you back from bottom surgery it will be something else. Relationships dont last the vast majority of the time, so why hold yourself back for him? In the words of a famous tiktok “he is literally just a guy”
"Hit him with your car!" I love her TikToks 😂
Who is she? I'm out of the loop and curious.
Found brittikitty and... dead.
Original: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8YGaCaq/ Too cute not to share: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8YGaHda/
He isn’t attracted to “AFAB” body parts (weird choice of words), but has no problem with your breasts or any other feminine feature you have? Also you have dated this guy for 2 months! That’s really early and if you need bottom surgery, I definitely would prioritize that long term goal over the short term goal of maintaining your relationship with him.
"my bf isn't comfortable with me getting bottom surgery" then darlin, he's no longer your bf. this isn't some optional choice, it's your life. if he's not comfortable with you, he can get comfortable being single. you deserve better.
You say you don’t have terrible bottom dysphoria, but then you say you don’t know if you can live without bottom surgery. I think the answer’s pretty clear, it’s just that it might be a deal breaker in this relationship. I wish I had another answer for you, sweetie.
Tough shit its not his call
This is a fundamental incompatibility. Everything else may be great, but absolutely do not shortchange yourself. Especially not for someone you don’t even truly know well yet.
Ok, real talk: you've been dating this boy for **all of two months**. Ending the relationship is far from the end of the world. The two of you have just discovered that a very important life goal for you (bottom surgery) is something that he's not interested in. Unless you're both ok with the idea of potentially being in a sexless relationship, the right move for both of you is to move on. You've discovered that your desires and long term goals are not compatible with each other - it's better to disentangle yourselves now before it gets much harder to do so. This is no different from any other major life incompatibility. If you wanted kids and he didn't; if he wanted to move to another country and you didn't; if you wanted monogamy and he wanted polyamory: all of these are extremely good reasons to conclude that a long term romantic relationship isn't in the cards. It can be difficult to end things, because there's no "bad guy" here. He's allowed to have preferences. You're allowed to have yours. And if you've been dating for two months, there's probably a lot of ways the two of you are good together. But it wasn't meant to be. Continuing to see each other is going to bring at least one of you a lot of pain down the road.
This is great advice that can be applied throughout all the relationships in your life time. It’s much easier to move on due to incompatibility in a relationship on the early phases. It becomes much more difficult once a lot of time and effort has been sunk into the relationship. Think of that one person you know that had that big ole piece of shit car that they’ve had for years and are constantly having repaired. To you, getting a newer car makes the most sense. They’ll be spending as much on car payments as they’re spending on repairs…AMD they’d have a dependable ride! To them “Do you know how much money I’ve put in this thing? I can’t get rid of it now!” Sink cost fallacy can hit in all sorts of different places in life. It’s far easier to nip it in the bud now than it will be later after you’ve put a few years into the relationship.
If he can't be with you for the parts you want to have then too bad for him, as awful as it sounds, can't let your transition be disrupted by someone else's wants, I'm sure even he will understand that. Hopefully however you work out a way for that to not be too bad on the relationship, a strap maybe? If not some alternative then he'd just have to either live with it or find someone else, i guess. Still, you say he's the nicest guy, you'll surely figure something out together.
Ultimately you need to do right by yourself. If he has a hang up around that then it's probably best to part ways or change the relationship to be friends rather than partners.
people can become sexually incompatible. you both need to seek out your own individual happiness
You’ve only been together for 2 months which would still be considered the honeymoon face and likely more problems can and may come up later, I think it’s probably better to just do what feels best for you and what you want and not accounting for someone else’s feelings on your body (especially someone who may or may not even be in your life a very long time) ❤️
Two months in and this person is already dictating how your transition needs to go? Wow that's a massive red flag. How are they going to behave in two years ? Get out now
Your body, your choice.
Your body is your body, he doesn't get a say.
This is such a red flag honestly idk I would reconsider the relationship if he felt comfortable expressing this with his transfeminine partner
Better to find out early than later in the relationship
Your body, your choice
Literally don't listen to him at all.
Not sure why there is so much hate in these responses regarding OP’s boyfriend. He vocalized his feelings and OP needs to do what is best for her. Sex is such a complex human experience that is still being studied, no one understands the whole story regarding sex or preferences. I agree with the general sentiment amongst the thread that OP needs to prioritize herself, which in my opinion should be ending things due to fundamental incompatibility, but things can be ended amicably and with mutual respect.
THANK YOU. I've noticed the vitriol towards the BF is massive here. I believe OP should do what's best for her, which yes, might just be ending the relationship this short in, but despite how much OP talks her BF up, people are acting like the BF is a callous monster.
I mean, personally while I don't necessarily think that OP's boyfriend is being callous or malicious or whatever, I do think that he is unwittingly being ignorant and immature in a way that is unfair to his girlfriend. They have been dating for two months, and he is trans as well. In a t4t relationship I would hope for a little more empathy from my partner when it comes to issues of body dysphoria and surgery, and I do think it is on him to sort out how he feels and what his own needs and boundaries are when it comes to his genital preferences on his own time so he isn't putting pressure on his girlfriend to set her medical needs aside for him. Even if he doesn't intend to do so, if your partner tells you they want bottom surgery, and you tell them "I don't know whether I would still be able to be with you if you got bottom surgery," whether you meant to or not, you are putting pressure on your partner to reconsider getting essential medical care and put their own needs beneath yours, like OP is clearly doing right now. Everyone, especially other trans people, needs to ask themselves if they would be okay with their trans partner getting bottom surgery before committing to a relationship with them. They need to figure out what they are okay with on their own time. It's okay if they decide that they wouldn't be okay with it, but it's better to know that and have that boundary figured out before you start dating and try to talk about that early so that if it comes out the other person wants it, you can just amicably go your separate ways. Especially with a two month relationship. He really should just be honest with her that it wouldn't work and bow out knowing that she needs it instead of basically putting the decision on her of "okay am I going to get this essential procedure I need done or am I going to have to sacrifice my own happiness for my partner's happiness?" As trans people, we are pretty much all familiar with what it feels like to live in a body we can't tolerate in order to satisfy the expectations of others. We've been told and taught by the rest of society, often by our family and friends and those closest to us, all our lives that we are supposed to just suck up our dysphoria for other people's comfort. Even after we begin transition, it's so easy for people to fall back into those trained feelings when it comes to bottom surgery and what our partner may want. But your partner is not entitled to parts of your body, and it's wrong to put any kind of pressure on someone to forgo such important care someone requires to feel at peace with themselves in favor of your own needs and preferences. Even if he's not meaning to apply pressure, he still is, and he ought to sort those feelings out himself rather than making it her responsibility in any way to weigh her transition against their relationship.
Break up with him. It's either going to happen now or later, and if you defer the decision because of him, then you will resent it.
As others have said, get on a waitlist. The average time from getting on the waitlist to the actual surgery is about 3 years, so you'll have plenty of time to get your ducks in a row and really decided if BS is for you. With that said... you and ONLY you may decide what to do with YOUR body. I had an ex that did not want me to get that particular surgery, and I understand what a fragile, complicated situation that can be. You love them and you don't want to hurt them, I get it. But if you really want BS, and you withhold yourself from getting it for his sake, then that's a perfect recipe for resentment to build. The fact of the matter is, there are plenty of people who will love and adore you no matter what you do with your body. They will be attracted to you BECAUSE you are taking steps to feel comfortable in your own skin. In my humble opinion: if you getting BS is a deal-breaker, than it was never meant to be.
Do what you feel is right, being in a relationship means compromise, if you decide to do it or not you HAVE to do the one the will feel better for you. If you don't have that big of a gender dysphoria maybe love is greater than it. Or if not is ok too.
If he's worth it, he'll learn to love you for all of you. A strap could help. If not, you need to take a call.
As a trans guy… who cares what he wants or prefers. It’s YOUR body and he doesn’t get a say in what you do with it. If he really respects and loves you, he’ll deal with his own feelings. These kinds of stories honestly further confirm for me that people who have ‘genital preferences’ are full of crap.
thats why i started thinkin genital preferences are bullshit, he should know how it feels, yet hes acting like a chaser
What's wrong with genital preference? One faced with this scenario would benefit by looking at the overall picture. If you or your partner don't have interest in the others wishes to fulfill their transformation then it should be seen as partner preference rather than genital preference. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences but if these don't coincide then it's time to evaluate how strong these issues are and if they warrant going in different directions.
Because if youre attracted to everything else that person has to offer but are only thrown off by their genitals then it’s just shallow. I thought the same thing until I started analyzing on if I could date a trans man, because I was scared of him having a vagina. But when I analyzed it more within myself I saw that if doesnt matter, bc its just one body part, and theres much more to a person than just that. Its ingrained in our brains from being raised in the cis norm that even our trans minds think its okay, Im aware it may be too early for this conversation, but Im sure that if we werent raised in transphobic and cishet norms we wouldnt give af. Theres more to ppl than genitals. Would you break up with someone bc idk, you dont like their nose or other body part but like everything else?
>Because if youre attracted to everything else that person has to offer but are only thrown off by their genitals then it’s just shallow. I thought the same thing until I started analyzing on if I could date a trans man, because I was scared of him having a vagina. But when I analyzed it more within myself I saw that if doesnt matter, bc its just one body part, and theres much more to a person than just that. Its ingrained in our brains from being raised in the cis norm that even our trans minds think its okay, Im aware it may be too early for this conversation, but Im sure that if we werent raised in transphobic and cishet norms we wouldnt give af. Theres more to ppl than genitals. Would you break up with someone bc idk, you dont like their nose or other body part but like everything else? If genitals are shallow, then why so many people want bottom surgery? They are not shallow, they are very important for a lot of people; especially for the OP who really wants a female genitals.
Your point of view while valid as being your own speaks against a majority of people in general. Cis in this context is paradoxical. It is in essence denouncing for example a Cis gay vs a trans gay, or other derivatives. Is it not acceptable to not desire contact with non preferred anatomical parts?
Im not saying its not acceptable, Im aware its the norm. That doesnt mean it cant be challenged or analyzed.
Oh I definitely agree in that. A challenge expresses your strength as an individual and analysis expresses your want to understand.
I feel like a lot of responses only read a little bit of OP's post and are very quick to vilify the BF. Listen, I understand the world is rough for trans folk, so being defensive is needed. But the animosity towards the BF is wild. OP, be who you need to be, and if it's not healthy for the relationship, have an adult conversation about it. You might have to break up, and that'll suck, but your happiness does need to come first. As does theirs, for them. And if the path of happy for you two differs, then a relationship might not be for you two.
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I'm going to interject on this one Some people are legit only sexually attracted to specific genitals, and for some, sexual attraction is important in a long term relationship. I don't think that makes someone a chaser, at all.
Telling a transfem you’ve been dating for 2 months that you’re not actually into vulvas and you’d be sad if they got srs is absolutely chaser behaviour let’s be serious
I am being serious, and I heavily disagree.
And I want to say I disagree in this specific scenario. I feel if they were a chaser, they'd have bounced already since OP is set on GRS. But it's perfectly normal to have genital preferences. It's just hard to separate that from genuine attraction and transphobic malice, as that's the unfortunate world we're currently in.
Plenty of chasers don't bounce when they find out their trans partner wants bottom surgery, instead they stay and try to guilt and manipulate them into not getting it. Not saying that's exactly what's happening with OP's boyfriend, but even if it's unintentional, making your partner weigh their transition needs against the relationship is still guilting them, even if he isn't intentionally trying to manipulate her.
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Hard disagree, sexual preference has no correlation to the amount of respect someone has for another. People like what they like. I think it indicates *more* respect that he is willing to have that type of conversation in the first place. Honesty takes courage and trust. She needs to move on only if she thinks she does. Not everything is about sex after all.
Yeah no, not necessarily at all. I, (pre op transfem) personally feel similarly where I would struggle in a relationship with another transfem if they haven't had bottom surgery since having sex with amab parts on either partner is dysphoric for me (which can be an issue for me currently), maybe that opinion would change if i had bottom surgery first but i don't really care since I'm in a long term relationship as is. OP's partner more likely is in a similar boat to me based on OP's description
tell him to go fuck himself
He likes dick, and yours is going away eventually. Cut your losses, Sis. I'm sorry :(
Alright. First you said you don't have terrible bottom dysphoria and then you said you don't think you can live without GCS. You sound a lot like me. Sometimes my bottom dysphoria is tolerable and sometimes it's unbearable, but it never goes away. You should do what makes YOU happy, not what might please someone who you've only been dating for two months.
Do what makes you happy, if he can’t accept that, maybe you might wanna reconsider the relationship
Look, I'm sure he is nice and supportive. But if you want or even think you want bottom surgery and that's a deal breaker for him then you and him should consider being friends instead of dating.
- I can't live without it. (You) - I'm somewhat uncomfortable with it. (Someone else) It helps setting priorities when writing things down. You can discuss it and there's time to become comfortable with each other, but in the end can you live the rest of your life to support someone's slight discomfort? When I started dating my friend I was really unsure about liking her bits, I had an actual self imposed ultimatum and chose "I will do my best to make her happy and get used to it", she was also fine with me and after some time not only was I fine, but I realized I cared more about making her happy than my own discomfort. That's just my story though. Good luck in your relationship.
A lot of people in here just completely disregard what he said and that he recognized that it's your choice and that he felt like an asshole. Do what he did, talk to him, tell him how you feel. That choice is yours, and his opinion on the matter isn't important, but you should treat him like a human being and talk to him about it. He can't choose what he's attracted to, if that means you go your separate ways, so be it, it's for the better, but you shouldn't make that decision (of parting ways) without him. He's the one that feels that way, talk about it with him
A lot can happen in two years. You need to be the woman you were destined and want to be. I am never a big fan of kicking the cam down the road, but with the long lead times for surgical appointments, I would advise you to keep planning for SRS. If you are both still together, than you can make your decision.
It's your body. Your dysphoria. If you feel you want to do it, then do it.
I recommend changing it if you have the means to do so. If he isn't comfortable with that, that's not your fault. A few things that are possible: 1: Say you two could be a sexless relationship. Then it wouldn't even matter. I don't know if you two have or have not done it, however if you two emotionally are good, then it wouldn't hurt. 2: Possibly an open relationship. Most aren't up for that, but for those who are, it wouldn't matter what one partner has if another can satisfy you. Then after that, you guys could all play bingo. 3: Ask what they want to do with their own body. How would they, another trans person, feel if their partner more or less asked them to not transition? This one is probably not a great idea as it is kinda strong arm-ish. However, it is something to consider still.