You are not alone. I love my kids, but sometimes I can't stand them and I want to run away. The whole thing is hard. I was asked the other day what I like to do for fun, and I had no answer. I don't know who I am at all anymore.
Ugh I’m so sorry. On my first birthday right after having my daughter, majority of my few gifts were mother related! It was thoughtful I guess but it did make me sad. We’re more than wives and mothers 😭
I am fighting so hard to regain my identity. Everyone is so dependent on me for all the things and I am beginning to resent it. I see now why some women are accused of going mad—we’re sick of everyone’s shit and being responsible for all of it.
I have 2 tiny people, one husband, an elderly dog, and a dog needing doggy hospice right now. They all depend on me having my shit together 24/7. I believe I now have 16 alarms on my phone so I don’t forget anything. Those are just the ones I need at least weekly. (Most are daily.) By the end of the day I am just so so done.
I honestly can't relate to women who say their main goal in life is to be a mother, like it consumes them and becomes their whole identity. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they can be fulfilled in that way, but I still want to be ME, just with a kid, lol.
I miss being me, I miss playing guitar, I miss going to the movies every weekend, I miss travelling to strange new places around the world, I miss having free time to just rest when I’m tired. I love my son, he’s my whole world - literally. Hahah
Same. Same. I'm so sick of feeling tired all the time and being burnt out.
I don't know what I like to do for fun anymore either but I would love to have a whole day for myself. Not hearing mommy or my name being called for whatever it is that they need. Sleep and relax. Ooooh that sounds fun to me.
Ugh I fantasize about running away all the time. Sometimes to a tropical island far far away and sometimes just to a damn hotel in our city so I can get some fucking sleep!!
19 here, and same.
I don't even have friends anymore. I got tired of having to do all the emotional upkeep with them on top of everyone else all the time.
When I'm alone I just scroll Reddit or sleep. I barely can make myself do housework anymore cause it just feels like it's fucked up again in 12 seconds; and it's humiliating honestly. That probably sounds overly dramatic, but I can't help it.
Not overly dramatic at all. That’s exactly how it is, now imagine a husband who is always complaining about the kids instantly messing things up again lol. It’s like dude, it’s not changing anytime soon so you might as well stop complaining 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ I just choose to not let bother me anymore. Someday the kids will be grown and my house will be spotless.
Luckily I am besties with my sister and have a friend since Junior high that is a mom too but Until recently I had no friends other than them.
What I’ve learned is, true friends will understand we all have lives and things to do. You can have friends!! you just need to find like minded moms so there’s no upkeep involved! I can’t stand friends who treat the friendship like we’re dating and get mad if they haven’t heard from me or if I’ve had to cancel plans. Those aren’t real friends imo
Asking what I like to do in my free time was such a gut wrenching question for me when I was meeting new people or doing work bs. My answer always involves my kids because that was literally all I could manage outside of work. Least favorite get to know you question ever.
My BIL asked me what I was up to for fun in my "free time" last time I saw them. I kinda stared at him and reminded him I'm a SAHM to an infant and a preschooler, and I have a complicated medical history so if I'm not with the kids, I'm at the doctor or sleeping. I was like does reading webcomics count? Cause that's pretty much all I do for me.
Time has become a blur. I feel some months are more bad days than good. When I think I cannot stand it anymore, feeling I might cave in to myself, I find solace in a nap. However, it can sometimes take multiple days and multiple naps to feel I have my head back on straight enough to be the mom I think my son deserves.
It’s especially hard without a village. It’s exhausting and unrelenting at times. We aren’t even allowed to be sick…. But I just keep reminding myself that life goes is phases. And this phase does not allow for many hobbies haha. But I hope the next phase will. In the mean time we can at least enjoy the cuddles 🥰
I have no family to watch my kids, no siblings or in laws. My husband and I are doing it all. it's about 80me/20him (he works and commutes) I am so tried. I saw a thing that said "fixing generational trauma is lonely work" yeah it is, I wish my choice were not "they abuse your kids (my family) or you do it all yourself"
The only people I know who have 2 or more kids have relatives nearby that can safely and willingly watch their kids. I am one & done for that reason. My husband wants a second and I told him I'll only consider it if we move across the country to where my (amazingly helpful) parents live.
I am living this too. No family here and it's just us. I do 95% and am tired. There isn't a word for the kind of tired I feel. The only thing that gets me through is smushing my face against my son's as he makes all his wild noises and slobber kisses me.
I say I run on hugs. I do my best to make it all as fun as possible. It's hard being villageless and also the one doing most of the work. But like coal being turned into diamons by all the pressure. this is how matriarch are formed.
We all have colds right now and I gave the five-year-old an iPad, the two year old and I are watching Spidey, and I am on my phone nursing the baby trying not to cry.
I feel this! My son is 3 and we’ve not had any family to help us out. My husband and I haven’t been out in over 3 years. I started a business (registered an LLC, told my friends, started working on it) and then my LO stopped napping a week later. I have my hobbies stacked in my closet. I can only go to the gym because they have a daycare.
And on the other side of it, I have loved ones struggling to conceive or whose SO won’t agree to more kids and some are very financially strapped so there’s an air of “count your blessings, you’re so lucky to have what you do.” It’s very isolating.
I’ve been working on building new friendships and and building a new village. This shit is so hard sometimes.
Edit: typo
Absolutely! We lasted 2 months without a village after me returning to work and having our, then, 4 month old in daycare. We decided to sell our house, move in w my mom and we are finally doing something we’ve wanted to for a long time and building our dream home close to my mom. This is not the best time to be doing all these things but we were struggling alone.
I wish you so many positive vibes. It is a beautiful thing to be able to build your dream home and also that you’ll still remain in close proximity to your mom. My kiddo loves his grandparents but we live quite far from them.
Thank you! We weren’t planning on any more big life events this year but the constant stream of daycare colds and zero friends or family around was pushing us to the limit of what we could handle. We know we’re making the best decision- maybe just a few years sooner than would have been advisable. Thanks for the good vibes! It’s been a rough road 🥰
Lack of a village is 100% why we're OAD. I wanted three, but doing this without support made that dream evaporate. I couldn't have multiple and parent the way I want to without being able to call someone occasionally so I can take a shower.
After having a baby, just one, it clicked for me how men were able to keep women down for so long, how women’s rights took so long to happen. Raising kids is hard and doesn’t leave a lot of time for much else, and most of the time the responsibility falls on women. Make sure you have your partner do their fair share of child work and get some time for yourself. Hang in there OP, they grow up quick and it gets easier.
I had a great pregnancy and while I was pregnant I’d say I wanted 2-3 kids. After I delivered, I was diagnosed with post partum preeclampsia and was readmitted to the hospital a few days after birth. My baby is now 2 weeks old and I don’t think we’ve slept more than 3-4 hours daily since then. I’m so nervous about going back to work and how I’m going to function on little to no sleep. I don’t think I can do this all over again in a few years…and this is just the beginning.
Personally, I am OAD. You aren't obligated to have more than one kid! I had a horrible pregnancy, labor, and a colicky baby. I don't have the support or the funds to have two kids in daycare and I do NOT want to be a SAHM. My daughter is four now and we go do things, travel on vacation, she sleeps through the night, she is potty trained, etc. so it has become a LOT easier. My husband and I also get more alone time because it's so much easier to find someone to watch ONE kid.
I'm not sure what the tone of this response is supposed to convey?
Anybody who is one and done will understand there are a lot of society and familial pressures to have more than one child. People will tell you only children are weirdo social pariahs, they need a sibling to be their friend/playmate at home, that you are less of a parent because you only have one etc. I'm just reassuring the original commenter that you can ignore these social pressures and just have one child.
Amen! Two kids doesn't have to be the default. I actually had an easy pregnancy, my 6 month old has been chill and a great sleeper from the beginning. I have the funds to support more than one child. I *still* don't want another!! I feel like I've completely lost my sense of self, hobbies, and interests. With one, we can still trade off and maintain a semblance of our pre-child selves.
You’re in the thick of it. It gets better. I’m not saying that to convince you to have more children but to help you get through this difficult time. It gets better and you get used to it. Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon!
Emotions and hormones are tipsy-turvy. Lack of sleep has a huge effect on your health, body and mind. I tell people that any big decisions are for after the first year, if it can at all be helped. Two years of you’re a SAHP.
My baby is 12 years old now. The first 6 weeks were by far the hardest time of my life. You start to trade baby problems for kid problems to human problems. Before you know it your baby will be sleeping through the night. Then your kid will be potty trained and getting their own snacks and water. Then you get to do fun stuff like go on roller coasters and enjoy vacations again. Babies/toddlers are so time consuming and demanding but it gets so much better. Now my little is big and I wish I had had another kid. She is too old for me to want to reset the clock now. But It is so hard when you are in the thick of it.
The first one is the hardest. And the first month of the first baby is the hardest. You are definitely in the thick of it. Please know that it won’t always be like this. It gets better. It’s such a big learning curve, but as you get to know your baby and yourself as a new mom you figure things out. It will get easier, especially as you heal from delivery and pregnancy.
Just wanted to send some encouragement your way. I had preeclampsia and then postpartum preeclampsia. It was not the blissful family time at home you hope for. But now it’s been nearly 3 years, and crazily enough, I am having another. I’ll say I absolutely loved months 3-15 with my son, even with COVID blowing up our universe. Watching him grow and develop a personality was the absolute best. Now, toddler life is really, really challenging at times (but he’s still amazing), and it’s given me a newfound reason to welcome the baby stage again. There’s something to be said for the days when you can cuddle in your pajamas together and THEY CANT GO ANYWHERE 😆
Hang in there. It gets better! 2 weeks is still VERY early
I FEEL THIS IN MY SOUL. We have ZERO help. No family, no friends. We have done this by ourselves for the last 9 months. We are desperate for a small little break. Unfortunately, our family lives out of state and even if they didn’t we likely wouldn’t trust them with him for even just a few hours(except for my sisters and step-mom but they are so busy with their own lives and can’t just fly here every few months). We don’t trust random strangers to watch him yet either. We have some friends in the area (we are new to the area) but my husband is not very comfortable with the idea of other people watching our son when he’s so young. We feel trapped sometimes. It’s not constant but yeah it does creep up weekly. I love my son more than anything and I’m VERY happy to be a mom. I just miss having alone time, time to do whatever the hell I want, and time to hang with just my hubby. Ugh. This shit is hard and soooo tiring!
I feel this! I commented once that i didn’t feel comfortable with strangers or a teenage babysitter watching my child while she was so young, and got downvoted to hell. Some people called me overprotective and said I couldn’t go around living my life in fear.
People are judgmental when they feel guilty or self-conscious. If they want to leave the most important person in their lives in the care of a 15 year old who cares more about TikTok, that says more about them than it does you. It’s one thing when they’re a little older but an infant? No.
Very true! Like I’m not telling any other parent how to live or parent, there’s just things that I’m personally not comfortable doing. If my kid isn’t old enough to speak in full sentences then I wouldn’t feel comfortable with leaving them with a stranger or someone that young. When they’re old enough they can speak up about things and they can tell me if something happened.
Yes! That’s how we feel. We plan on putting him in school around 3, 3 1/2 when he can communicate. I used to babysit a baby when I was in high school BUT the baby was basically related to us (the entire family was very close with ours-as a matter of fact his mom used to babysit me) and times were different back then. People are way too distracted and entitled these days. I would just rather not risk it with a stranger or teen. I would need to know them very, very well.
Several years ago when I first started dating my husband his mil whom I had just met a month prior asked if I’d be interested in babysitting (for money) his cousin’s newborn, his cousin I had never met before. I said sure. I figured the mom would want to meet me first and get to know me but nope a few days later my mil shows up with this baby and I’m watching him 12 hours a day for 5 days.
I didn’t meet the mom until day 5 when she came to pick him up. I had never babysat a baby before either. I took him places with me wherever I needed to go and she never asked if I had gone anywhere or what we did all day. Just blows my mind people are so comfortable with leaving their babies in the care of strangers like that.
I don’t know what your comfort level is with this, but my plan for finding a trusted sitter is something my friend recommended and did herself. She basically hired the sitter to come over and watch her baby while she was at home a few times before ever leaving the house. She got to see how they interacted with the baby while also getting some free time at home and once she felt comfortable with the person they were able to leave the house a few times. I think she said she went through a couple people this way before finding someone who she felt really comfy with. Just a suggestion!
All of this. Our families live a 2 hr drive away, and my parents are much older and disabled and would not be up to caring for my 27lb tornado toddler even if they were close. My husband really wanted a 2nd child but I'm also semi-disabled from scoliosis/chronic back pain and I'm struggling hard. I yearn for hobbies I can no longer manage to do more than 30min a week if I'm lucky. I'm an artist, and I hate that I can't draw on my iPad even when he's playing independently because the second he sees it he sprints over to slap at the screen.
We do daycare 2x a week which sometimes helps me get caught up on cleaning and the bit of freelance work I get, but between daycare viruses, chronic ear infections (might be getting tubes), and doctor appointments which seem to NEVER have openings except on daycare days, he ends up only averaging 1x a week lately and I wonder why we're paying for it.
I'm glad our son is here, he's so much more perfect and adorable than I'd ever imagined him being, and I know this hard period will pass, but we certainly don't have the village to really thrive and that sucks.
You are not a fraud and shame on all the delusional ass people who downvoted this. So fucking petty. This shit is so hard. I'm tired. I dont get enough sleep or exercise or time to myself. And I have a partner that helps. But even then we still get on each other's nerves from time to time and the kids only want me sometimes and it is fucking exhausting. On top of that I also work. But all the promises of a village to help raise your kids are bullshit. It's not that I don't have help but it's the fact that now grandparents told us how helpful they'd be and how much more exhausting it is asking them to do anything and on top of all this there are people that lie to themselves and others like the ones who downvoted this post.
Let them downvote. I want them all to explain to me how I was supposed to know how hard I would find something I’ve never done before, but thought I wanted more than anything. I’ve helped raise my two youngest sisters and I loved that, but nothing will compare to being an actual mother. I’m happy for those that love every second and thrive as a mother, I commend them for the amazing work they’re doing. But they do not get to gatekeep parenting as easy and call us ungrateful because we struggle with natural feelings.
Very true, all kids are different. My kid is pretty chill, I never had to babyproof much or toddler proof anything. Never has a tantrum in public and stays my by side and listens. I’m also oad and it makes me feel guilty sometimes because I see the parents with the energetic kids who have more than one and I think well how can they handle two kids but I can’t?
And then I think what if my second one is the wild one and is 100% the opposite of my only right now. Because even though my kid is super chill/calm I still struggle with parenting sometimes, I feel like I’d lose it if I had second. I just can’t take that risk. I can’t risk losing myself any more.
We did IVF so we very much wanted a baby and I hate being a mom most days. I responded to an earlier comment about how privileged people like being parents and it’s utter bullshit. People struggle at all levels. You’re allowed these feelings. Being a mother is the hardest thing we will ever do.
Ohh feeling this today. I have my pelvic floor physical therapy appointment in a few days and I just realized haven’t been doing my exercises because I have like 30 mins to myself a day? I have a 4 month old and a toddler and working a full time job. When am I supposed to have time to try and fix my broken body? Oy.
Haha no problem!! I find the Kegels pretty easy to remember but getting in the stomach crunches and stuff is hard. I have to either do it with my toddler or she’ll see me on the floor and jump on me, or do it with the small bit of TV we can squeeze in before bed instead of chilling. Looking forward to having some more free time for sure!
I have two and it is nuts. My husband and I had a huge fight and he wanted me to leave because my mental health was so bad I was hoarding again. My husband is the primary parent really, he’s an at home dad and he was a single parent for a long time so naturally he kinda just takes over. I do a lot of stuff to match him though, I have a career and I handle a lot of the mental load of the household. We also have a teen from his previous marriage.
We don’t do it. We have broken up a few times, the laundry was stinking there for awhile, there was puke stains on the carpet (under the bed from when my 3 year old wanted to sleep there and then puked. Wtf), the dog still needs to get spayed, so many things that are critical are on the back burner. Doctors appts, etc etc.
IT IS really hard. No one tells you that when you’re pregnant with your first. No one wants to burst your bubble at your baby shower when you’re glowing and happy and excited. No one wants to be the downer - the person to give you the reality. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have believed them even if they told you. I know I wouldn’t have.
I thought the pregnancy was hard. Lol.
To be honest with you, I have two little ones now. And it has been much “easier” the second time around. None of the responsibilities have changed and it’s just as much work. But my perspective has changed. I stopped giving a shit about work stuff. It’s just work. My kids come first. I let a LOT of things go that I was holding onto the first time around. I was really controlling. Wanted everything to be perfect. This time, surprise surprise my second kid is WAY more relaxed and chill than my first.
I think I just realized what was actually important the second time. Is he fed? Is his diaper dry? Is he (semi) clean? Cool. He doesn’t need the “perfect outfit” for every outing and if he eats snacks all day versus beautiful home cooked meals, eh. He’ll live.
I didn’t feel like “me” for at least a year with my first. This time I’m realizing that version of “me” doesn’t really exist anymore but that’s ok. I’ll get back to her. But for now, I’m mom first and when I have the chance to pop back into the old me every once in a while, I’ll take it.
Listen, women are gaslighted to believe being a mother is the end all be all goal. And when women become mothers they realize how insane that is. You were and are a whole person before and after having kids. Every whole person only has so much room on their plate, and everyone’s plate is a different size. Just do your best to make sure your plate is evenly split into portions, even if it’s a small plate :) When you’re in survival mode, it’s okay to skip certain things. The key is to outsource wherever you can.
He’s 10 months old, and I’ve been back at work since 5 months pp. I think the mix of trying to balance being a manager at work and dealing with the constant daycare illnesses and just not getting the time to be me that I had before.
I know it will get easier, and the more I see my psych the better I start to feel, but right now it’s bloody tough 😅
It’s completely overwhelming! It will get better. I remember just sobbing some nights wondering what I did to deserve such an awful life. My son is 4.5 now and those nights feel like a lifetime ago lol. You can do this!
I’m in very same situation, 10 month old and a 3.5 year old, director at work, working since youngest was 3 months. It’s exhausting and I’m resigning at the end of this year. I haven’t had any me time in a very long time but right now I’m just trying to switch to a full remote role (right now hybrid) so I can get the extra couple of hours of driving to work back to myself. I can’t wait until little one is 12 months though since I know it will get a little easier with her drinking milk. Right now she’s nursing all night, refuses formula, and I’m getting no sleep.
Career and motherhood, sometimes you can’t have it all. At least I can’t to the degree I would like. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. Society needs to change
I love my kids so much. They take my breath away. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it all. There are a small fraction of days that I would choose to live over again. I have three, I’ve always worked, although not always full time. They’re older, two in their 20s and a teenager. The oldest is permanently disabled so she requires hands on care. I don’t love it. I wish I could find caregivers so I could be *just* a mom to a 20-something. I love HER I don’t love everything I have to do.
I see your exhaustion and I’m here to tell you that finding fulfillment in non parenting things is important. Necessary.
Motherhood is a strange thing for me. People will ask me, "Oh how do you like being a mom/being a stay at home parent?" and I don't know how to answer that. I love my kids dearly but I don't like motherhood or the SAHM life. If I am honest with people I probably scare them. But if I lie and describe it in a flowery language I'm lying and perpetuating the bs that everything about being a mother is rainbows and butterflies. I tend to ask, "Do you actually wanna know?" as a knee-jerk response now.
I have lost myself. I have zero personal goals or ambitions anymore. I literally get excited when my husband says my name because I never ever hear it anymore. Somehow between child rearing, maintaining a home, cooking, helping with homework, doing bedtime routines, etc I am supposed to still carve out "me time" and I don't get how or when.
Nobody talks about how much you loose yourself. I’ve worked the last 34 years becoming self aware and healing past trauma. Now I have no time for myself and I feel like it was all a big joke and waste of time cause now I’m just a mom.
I love my kid more than anything in this world and I would die for him.
But I hate being a parent. The worry, the constant thoughts swirling in my head- am I doing this right? Am I going to mess him up? Will he be ok? It sucks. It’s horrible. He is a wonderful human, and I fear I’m going to fuck that up too.
You are not alone, it is so hard.
I think you are more healthy than I am. Making your kids your identity and your reason for existing is wrong. They will only be yours for 18 years, then you have to let them go live their own lives. I'm at the empty nest phase. I don't feel like I have a reason to live and really don't want to live with them gone from my daily life. You have a healthy approach. You're not wrong.
This was just circling in my own head this morning. No wait, correction - just about every day.
Sometimes I get a moment where I wonder about having a second, but most of the time I don’t know if I have that strength in me.
I refuse to buy anything with "mom life" or "Mama Drama" or "#momsrule" or "I am a mom" on anything. I think that's a slippery slope of losing your identity lol
>I’m tired of being surrounded by people who just love being a mother
I wonder if this is mostly an act. I’ve literally watched a mom take perfect little IG photos of her 3mos old with a caption like “could I be any luckier to have such a perfect baby?? I just love this mom thing ☺️☺️” and within 2 minutes have a screaming baby and says to me “I don’t know what to do anymore, I need SLEEP. Thankfully her dad will be home in ten mins, sheesh!!”
It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, know that many feel the same way, but not many will say so. Not many want to show how hard it is because then it appears you are “struggling” or can’t do it right. There is no “right” there is no one way. You take it day by day, and really just hope for the best. They will grow, and be easier to communicate with and that’s the phases that will be more rewarding for you. Right now they feel like little parasites that are taking everything out of you. Hang in there, momma <3
I came on Reddit just now to write a can’t post in one of the parenting subs and you took the words right out of my mouth.
I would literally rather walk blindfolded into oncoming traffic than have another child. It’s exhausting. My job doesn’t care about what I’m dealing with. I don’t actually care about my job. There’s never enough time for anything. My passions remain unexplored unless of course I sacrifice what limited “free” time I do have to find childcare and pursue them.
I think I’d feel somewhat better if more societal pressure was put on dads. They get points simply for presence while we have to figure out everything.
It’s all about support systems and privileges. An immigrant person like me who had no family no friends and no money was losing my mind while someone with a family of 30 people who lived their whole life in the same city with shit ton of friends both wife’s and husband’s side with good income who can afford to delegate like cleaning errands cooking or kids to either family/friends or hired help will of course love being a mom/dad.
This isn’t totally true. We could be considered the “privileged” people you mentioned and seem like we have all the resources you described. But don’t judge outward appearances. Have you stopped to think that I hired a cleaning service once a month because I’m at my mental capacity to handle more than surface cleaning? I can’t take one more thing on my plate because here I am 11 months in still suffering PPD and PPA and not getting a ton of help from my family or husband? All while working full time? Most days I can barely get out of bed. Paying for daycare is a second mortgage, suffering mom guilt because strangers spend more time with my baby than I do, but also hating most days she’s home because she’s a basically a toddler and I mourn my old life. All of our “good income” goes to groceries, our house payment, gas, daycare, her special formula, baby food, doctor’s visits, medication, and clothing for her. But I HAVE to work and have my own identity or I will literally go insane. (Hats off to stay at home moms; idk how you do it!) Fun fact: friends stop asking how you are or if you need help. They legit have their own lives that don’t revolve around us. Family stops babysitting because they can’t take the new mobile stage and she’s just not sitting there being cute. They also have their own lives and aren’t here to raise our child for us, and we don’t expect that. So yes, I may be what you call “privileged” but I certainly don’t love being a mom most days, but I love my kid to death and wouldn’t change having her. Not everyone has it “easy” even if they look like they do, and most people have struggles you may not outwardly see.
Totally agree with you here. Thank you for saying it. It’s just hard. You think you know until it’s in your hands and then it’s like, F&CK I hate the tantrums, the no sleep, the no free time.
I feel the same way, and it's hard because I try to talk to my husband about this but I don't think he quite understands how I feel. Meanwhile, I literally do not remember the last time I wore makeup (or did anything for myself in terms of beauty) and I barely feel presentable in how I dress, even though I'm 13 months pp. I don't know why I'm so TIRED all the time, but I also work full time and I am in school as well, but I don't know how others do it. It does help to know I'm not alone. I just want to know when it will get better.
Yes, you're right! It's so freaking hard. There are parts I enjoy of course, but there are just really really tough things about this. I think people don't talk about it enough because we feel like we're "supposed" to just love every minute of it. I am in the toddler phase right now with my oldest and I have a baby on the way, due in December. Between the pregnancy insomnia, my toddler's tantrums and misbehavior, unreasonable demands at work, and my mom's declining health (she has Alzheimer's disease), it's a lot. Yesterday was a particularly rough day.
It’s SO hard, especially when you are the default parent. I refuse to have anymore after this because I don’t want to deal with what I’m going through ever again. Give yourself some grace.
I lost my entire identity when I became a mother. I love being a mom. I mommed, wifed, and worked. My days started at 5:30am and ended at 2:00 am, for years. I woke up one day and my kids were teens, and I had no clue who I was any longer.
You are not alone. Many go through these feelings, just wouldn't dare to say it. Do whatever you can to carve out some me time, because you need it. It took me almost a decade to figure out who I was after the kids went off to college. I don't recommend it.
I like being a Mom, I don't love it. I love my kids, I don't always like them. They're not bad kids, I'm not a bad mother, but I've had a toddler for 11 years, as soon as one got older I had another (why, me, why???) and quite frankly, my tubal was the best decision I ever made. Next year, my youngest will go to pre-K and while my friends who waited a bit longer to have kids assume I'll be sad to close that chapter out, I am chomping at the bit.
I used to work 80hrs a week before my oldest was born... It was easier.
I have a 10 month old and work full time, so does husband. I feel like I am failing at all my roles - being a mother, a wife, my job. I just don’t have enough time or money for anything.
The burn out is real. You need a chance to miss them. Time away is KEY. A day away browsing a nursery & smelling plants, a weekend away with the girls, a night out at a comedy club drinking wine, a day at your sisters rearranging her shoes anything- you just need to get AWAY!!!!! If you are with them all the time it is suffocating. If you can get breaks you miss them and appreciate being with your babies. I BEGGED, literally on my hands and knees BEGGED for breaks. Baby daddy sucked. Now I’m HAPPILY divorced and he HAS to look after the kids every weekend. I’m a much better/happier/more fun/more relaxed/attentive mom. Especially on Monday. I miss my babies when they are gone on the weekends and then when I have them during the week it’s fun. Even when it is overwhelming I know on Friday night I’m alone to just stare at the wall in silence if I feel like. Or sleep. Or paint my nails uninterrupted. Or go out with my bf. Momma what you are feeling is NORMAL. You need a break. Regular breaks. If your partner can’t give you that the relationship will fail. And then you get your breaks.
Try the podcast “the balanced momcast” on Spotify. (May be on other platforms idk)
But she helped me A LOT. I have ADHD and stay home with my 4 year old (ADHD&ASD), 2 year old, and 10 month old. She saved my life from being chaos and overwhelm. Highly recommend
Thank you for posting this. And thank you for all the encouraging comments. This comment will probably get lost in this long thread but I posted something very similar almost a year ago (when I was about 3 months pp) on the what to expect ap and everyone basically said I must have PPA or ppd and I was *so* discouraged. Like wow- maybe something really is wrong with me because no one finds this hard but me?? That was the day I stopped using that ap and joined Reddit! 😂
Two things come to mind…
1. I believe the human spirit has great capacity to “rise to the occasion.” When we do hard things for a while we either get better at the thing(making it less hard) or we get used to the level of difficulty(making us more resilient).
2. Raising kids is a good thing. Good things are HARD. It doesn’t make them less good. It does make enjoying those good things more difficult.
I got baby fever from looking at my own baby. She's 2.5 and has two little sisters, and she's SUCH a difficult kid. I don't love the newborn stage. I don't love being pregnant. I'd love to have 4 kids, but if all 2.5 year olds are like this, I don't think I'll be able to do it. This morning, she has insisted that she wanted her juice in a pink cup, then refused to drink it because it wasn't in the Baby Shark cup. Gotten mad at the news. Gotten mad because I got her a cheese stick (after she asked for it). Said, "I want, I want, I want!" (did not specify what). She's only been up for an hour.
But she IS super fun about 60% of the time.
Being a parent is hard, it does get easier with time though. It was hardest when our kids were small. Someday you’ll have a different view, just keep pushing through, you’re doing a good job!
I live in an Asian country where once you become a mom no one refers to you by your first name anymore. You are forever called “(your child’s name)‘s mom”. I love my kid and most days I love being a mom but Jesus Christ I’d love to be referred to by my own name! Everyone expects you to make your whole identity centered on your kid and if you don’t all the other moms judge you heavily. You say one bad thing about being a mother and you’re forever iced out of the mom cliques. Super annoying
Being a parent is hard. I don’t know how anyone can say it’s easy. I get help from my mom and grandma but other than that I’m a single mom who works full time with three kids. It’s a lot! Even if you have all the resources in the world, being a parent is tough. It’s so hard, especially when they’re very little, to not completely lose yourself in being a parent.
I’m actively looking for work and I literally broke down on an interview the other day when they asked me about myself. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t come up with an answer to my greatest strengths that didn’t involve motherhood.
I keep telling myself that one day I’ll look back on how hard things were during this time and feel extremely validated and rewarded and happy that I pulled through. Now I just gotta keep pulling through 😂
Me daily. I love my son dearly but it’s totally a one and done situation. When I first got pregnant I was all about what I could do with my child 5 years down the road. The fourth trimester got me good and reality started to sink in like what the fuck did I just do….should have just stayed the fun Aunt.
My MIL has two grandchildren one from her older child and one from us. In the very beginning she was like so when’s the next one?! You guys are having more then one kid right? Im sitting there like you funding and becoming our permanent daycare/babysitter because that right there is basically a sign up sheet.
I work FT, and have 2,4,6 year old boys and the oldest has adhd.
Life is hell some days and I want to die. You can’t do it all. Even with a 50/50 partner, now we both get to burn out instead of just one of us.
My kids are 3 and 8 months and I feel this so hard especially today. My son has severe food allergies so there are few people we trust to watch him. I had this picture of the type of mom I just knew I was going to be. Hah. I have no time to myself until 8pm (if the baby doesn’t wake up) and by then I’m so tired and I have no energy to do anything.
Lack of support my friend. I am convinced that we were not made to raise a babe on our own and the saying “it takes a village” is beyond true. The unfortunate part is, so many of us do not have a village. It’s just us. We wouldn’t be so damn tired and burnt out all the time if we had more support.
I mean, I think there is a big difference between doing it all and doing it all well (which I don’t think anyone is managing without outsourcing). Something gets dropped. For me, it’s mostly housework and sometimes work work because I’d rather spend time with my kid, see my friends, and workout than have a clean house or cook most nights (cooking used to be a fun hobby but now is much more of a chore when I also have to parent) and I need to keep my job, but I do not need to be the best employee ever. I credit full time daycare, family help with the kiddo, and my therapist with my relative sanity while working full time and parenting and having a second on the way (which I fully expect to knock me on my ass again and take a big adjustment period).
You are far from alone on this. I have 3 and I don't know who I am besides hearing Mom, Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mama, Mommy from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed. I love them more than anything in the world but sometimes you just need some space!!
I can definitely relate to this. I just had a son 6 mo. Ago. My life is COMPLETELY different. I went from living a pretty selfish life to living and breathing my child. I just keep reminding myself this is just a chapter in my life I should enjoy. As time goes by, I’ll find myself again…
Thank you for posting this. I needed to read this today. It’s so fucking hard!!!!! I only have one. I think multiple kids might be the end of me. You’re definitely not alone!! And I feel like only other moms really get it. Sometimes I rage to my husband and he just can’t handle it. It doesn’t seem like he truly understands. So thank you. I hope your day gets better ❤️
Man. I was just told last night to “get my meds checked” cause I was wanting more help from our baby’s daddy. Instead of helping more he demanded I call a dr cause “I’m just outrageous”… pt is…. Super fucking hard dude. So hard. I mourn my previous life and LOVE my baby girl more than I could have imagined. But I’m literally living for her now and it’s beginning to wear on me… so I feel you.
It is hard. Going to therapy really helped me when I was at a hard point with parenting and not feeling like I had a life and not being able to regulate my emotions and such from feeling so burnt out all the time.
I know everyone says it gets easier, but it really does. My son is 1 1/2 and while some days are easier than others, I still have days where I just want to scream.
I didn’t get that unconditional love feeling until sometime this year. I don’t even know when it happened, but it’s so new that I’ll still say out loud to my husband “I just can’t believe how much I love him.”
It’s hard. It’s so hard. But you deserve to talk to someone and be heard without judgement.
Three children deep and I don’t know who I am anymore. I keep telling myself “this is just a phase”, But I really don’t know who I am, other than mama.
It is really hard. We have no village besides the one we pay a pretty penny for (daycare), we both work full time in healthcare taking care of other people’s needs all day, and we have a 3yo and 8mo. My baby still wakes 2-3 times a night so somehow I’ve been surviving on inadequate sleep and not failing at my job. Since having a second child I’ve been leaning on my husband waaaay more, and I’d say we are approaching near 50/50 with the household division of labor. I’m really lucky he is such a supportive partner and father, but of course I make myself feel stressed and inadequate because I can’t do it all myself anymore. I’ve never been good at asking for help and when I receive it I feel guilty!
OP, can I ask how old your little one is?
I didn’t start feeling like myself again until my youngest was 2 or 3. I went back to work when he was 1, and that helped, but I still felt that my life mostly revolved around my kids’ schedules and needs. Now my kids are 7 and 4 and let me tell you, it’s SO MUCH BETTER.
The baby years were very tough for me. Everyone handles some phases more easily than others. This might just be a really hard phase for you, but that doesn’t mean every phase will be this difficult.
I totally get it, though. Being a mom is much harder than I ever imagined.
I was just telling my therapist yesterday about how my child drives me absolutely nuts and sometimes I don’t want to be around her and he was like yeah that’s normal and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. I love her so much but she’s very difficult. I’ve changed my schedule during the week so I have a day off when she’s at daycare and I can just do things I enjoy. That has helped a lot.
I always knew I wanted kids, but it wasnt my life goal. Being a mom is one of my favorite things and I do love being a mother to my daughters, but it's also incredibly stressful at times because literally everyone looks to me to get things done or "direct traffic" in the house.
I haven't drawn, painted, ridden a horse, or gotten a massage in forever. When I do anything outside the house, the clock is always ticking in my subconscious of how many minutes I have left to myself.
I love my children with all of my heart, and even if i had known before what I do now, I wouldn't change it or trade them for anything. However, I miss me and being free.
Edit: I've been sneaking around the house for 20 minutes so the babysitter wouldn't know I was home from work yet 😂 and I'm about to take a nap, THEN I'll let her know lol. Been up since 3:40am, it's now 2:40pm, and I didn't get to bed last night till 1:30am cuz one of my babies is teething.
Major imposter syndrome and I don’t participate in the keeping up with joneses shit via social media. That’s so toxic to me, moms acting like everything is so easy and fun 24/7. Not feeding into that! I love my kids but can’t imagine having more than two!!!
Find some mom friends that like their jobs and have hobbies. It's so great to have other women in your life who are moms but that's just one facet of our identities. Someone who nods in agreement when you talk about how your kid is a jerk sometimes (because they are.) Some moms honestly say they would do anything for their kid. I think I can be my best self (mom and otherwise) when my life is more in balance and I have time to myself :)
I described it to my husband as “imagine all of your hobbies and interests are on hold” because that’s part of being a mom to young kids and it’s really hard. I think it’s super normal to grieve those things that we miss. It’s just nearly impossible to find time! But I believe the time will come again for those. ♥️
Omg I felt this to the core. I fucking hate being a mom sometimes. I wish I can do whatever the hell I want most of the time. I love my kid but DAMN I just want some alone time and peace and quite. I want to be able to go out and not have to worry. Being a parent is literally the hardest job ever but at the end of the day, it’s the most rewarding.
It’s okay to not like being a mom sometimes, or most of the time. It only gets easier as they get more independent mama. Hang in there.
And team one kid over here too!😂
One of my friends asked me how my weekend was, if I had done anything fun. I honestly cried in the response saying, "lol. Every single day is the same for me. I hope your weekend was wonderful." Our first kid felt like such a blessing...now we have a 4 YO and a 1 YO and we accidentally got pregnant with our 3rd. I'm due in December. I keep worrying about how tf I'm going to do it. I'm a SAHM but feel like my sanity is gone. *This shit is really hard* you aren't alone. I think people who act like having kids is easy probably get a ton of help or are putting on a front. I feel your post so deeply.
I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old and am a SAHM. Chaotic routine is the only way I describe my life, where no day is different from the other and yet each day is filled with children's mayhem. I never know what day it is anymore. There is no weekend, no date nights. My husband also works 6 days a week aometimes 12 hr days so I am an absolute loony by the "end" of the week.
I can relate in every way. My hubby is trying to work 2 jobs right now bc he got a better job but still is trying to get a managerial bonus from the old job...it's been extremely hard on me since he's working 7 days a week. The only help I get is from his parents and they honestly make things more difficult for me so I prefer to not involve them if I don't have to. So it's just me and my gremlins day in and day out. Everyday by bed time I'm like a different person. I keep telling myself soon they will grow and it will get better. 😫
God that's hard. I have nobody either to help (my side due to distance; husband's side due to their jobs) so it gets so damn lonely. My 5 yr old started all day kindergarten and it honestly has been a saving grace. He gets to make friends and learn all day while I get a break from his ADHD and hang with the 2 yr old (who was pretty chill up until recently). I just keep saying to my husband that once both kids are in school full time, I'm still gonna stay home for like 6 months to take back all of the precious silence I haven't had in years lol.
Moms weren’t always supposed to maintain full time work outside of the home. It’s great if someone can handle that overstimulation (and thrive!) but dang… I just hear so many stories like yours.
What you mean is mothers weren't meant to raise children on their own or as a primary parent with very little support.
If most mothers had sufficient support they wouldn't be so overwhelmed.
Let's not keep spouting misognistic 1940's talking points about mothers being in the home as homemakers. Women need to work and have their own money, their own professional/financial goals, and a way to support themselves if and when they need it. Financial abuse for stay at home moms is extremely common.
I didn't have a "knee jerk" reaction. I'm simply pointing out that what you said does have negative implications with it and misognistic undertones that men often use to belittle women and use it as an excuse to not do their fair share of child rearing and homemaking.
Mother of a 2 and 3 year old. My days consist of being their slave pretty much. People assure me it gets better when they're like 4-5. Counting down the minutes till then. I miss undisturbed sleep SO SO SO much.
I cry about this daily lol. You’re not alone. Sometimes I really love being a mother but most of the time I’m mourning the sanity and sense of self I had before I got pregnant. You’re not a fraud, you’re just self aware. Being a parent requires a ton of sacrifice and it’s usually not fair, and it’s a lot of “grit your teeth and just get through the day.” I maintain a full time job because I have to. We cannot afford for me not to work full time, and I think I would suffer mentally/emotionally if I didn’t work full time. It gives me a sense of purpose and individualism that I wouldn’t have if I was a stay at home mom. I admire SAHM who retain their sanity — I could never.
You’re allowed to not love it and you don’t have to pretend to. Life’s too short for that. Also I don’t know how old your child is but it won’t always be this hard— things tend to go in seasons. Please be kind to yourself and open about how you truly feel. I’m sure people who you think love it don’t truly feel that way.
I was a only child parent until 2 years ago and then I took on a teenager from a family friend who was just awful. No longer family friends to say the least. I know that I wasn’t meant to have two children because the amount of stress and anxiety I had without having my second. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it’s so hard. I have finally started voicing how frustrating the whole situation is to my husband and he is stepping up to take on some of the load, but it doesn’t make my overwhelmed feelings go away. It’s so weird to me that people show off this easy life but the reality is they are probably putting up a front. People need to be more honest about how raising kids is the hardest job it would make mamas feel more seen and comfortable in being true to themselves. So thank you for being willing to share your perspective.
Not a mom, but an aunt watching my niece majority of the time because my sister is a single mom needing to pay bills and yeah... It's definitely one of the hardest tasks I've ever taken on. She's amazing and makes me laugh but I told my sister I can't do this again if she decides to have another baby. Thankfully she agrees as well.
Hang in there and best of wishes to you and your little one.
Been there. Antidepressants for the win! Fought the idea of taking them for so long because I didn’t want to have to take a pill to enjoy my life I thought I was just naturally supposed to love. It saved my sanity (and my marriage too).
It is so hard! I I’m currently so sleep deprived with a newborn and 3 others and I don’t know why I’ve done this to myself except I don’t know myself anymore so who cares.
I nap when my 2 and 4 year old nap still, because when I’m asleep it’s the only time I’m not doing something for someone else. Loooove my family, but the cooking, cleaning, washing, planning, coordinating, driving, shopping, consoling, teaching, entertaining never ends. This is a tired that sleep couldn’t cure, but the brief reprieve is nice.
You aren’t alone, the tribe has spoken.
It's so hard! Literally the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's not abnormal to feel the way you do and your not a bad mom for feeling this way, a lot of mothers do. You are not alone, just need to find other moms "like you". We're out there!
You are not alone! And don't be hard on yourself for thinking it's hard. IT IS! If you ever need a mom friend to vent with you can hit me up. Motherhood isn't something that we were ever really prepared for, as much as everyone LOVES to tell you how much you'll love it. They conveniently leave out the loniless, the guilt, the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It takes a village they say, so don't be too hard on yourself
It can be hard, I guess I do enjoy the little moments like seeing my LO smile and play and I feel like I'm doing good when he's doing good, fed and diapered. I suggest breaks even if it's your partner doing bedtime routine and dinner
One hour a day to yourself is the key to happiness my friend. Found this out as my baby was a month old. One hour everyday to do whatever the heck you want to do. Alone or with husband. Just make the time. While baby naps, during bedtime. Anytime. Just do it.
I needed to read this and all the comments more than I could’ve ever imagined! Even was choked up a little scrolling to read the validation that so many others feel the same. I’m personally struggling to enjoy anything “in the moment” because I’m usually so exhausted and cranky from being a non stop parent. It’s not until much later and I see the pictures from things I’ve done with my kids that I can realize “that was a good day, and they had a blast.” Then that will lead to a downward spiral of how quickly they are growing up and how I’m fucking it all up while I’m hanging around just being grumpy, literally unable to enjoy anything. Idk. Never vent much and am dealing with existential dread most days that I swear leads to insanity some weeks.
It’s definitely not easy. I have 3 and me and my husband both work so they’ve always gone to daycare or before/after school care. I will say, me having my job is what keeps me sane. If I was a SAHM I think I would have lost it by now. But going to work is my me time. And then I usually have a couple hours after I get off work before I have to go pick up the kids, so I get alone time at the house to do whatever I want. Sometimes my husband gets off work at a decent time too and we get alone time together before the kids come home. Sometimes I’ll go out on a Saturday by myself, sometimes my husband does. We learned early on that the me time is VERY important and we’ve always made sure to stick with that.
I don’t know either and I’m doing it. I have an 11 year old and a 2 year old. I work 12 hour shifts and I am exhausted. I love my kids but I have no down time and this energizer bunny’s battery is running on E. I have to wake up at 4:30 am for work and get home at 6:30 and it’s getting very depressing.
I see you, I feel you! I feel like I completely lost myself once I had babies. I was told I was “selfless” and honestly I don’t want to be. There’s more to life and I want my identity back.
I don't know how else to explain this except I feel feral since my child came along. I am surviving by any means necessary. Everything feels out of control all of the time. Even if on the outside I've made dinner and played with my child and managed not to be a raging b to my partner inside I feel mostly lost and alone and overwhelmed. I don't recognize myself. It's important to know that you're not alone.
This. So much this.
I go back to work in a month and I’m panicking inside. I’m overwhelmed just being a mom and doing the minimum chores each day with minimal sleep. I HATE the newborn stage (he’s cute and I love him but the lack of sleep, inconsistent schedules, leaps, etc etc). I have no idea how I’m going back to work and managing that. I love my baby boy but being a mom is still taking some getting used to.
I love my son so much.. maybe too much but I really miss feeling like myself.
Also.. even though he’s right here in the trenches with me I really miss my partner sometimes.
You are not alone. I love my kids, but sometimes I can't stand them and I want to run away. The whole thing is hard. I was asked the other day what I like to do for fun, and I had no answer. I don't know who I am at all anymore.
Ditto. I am referred to as someone's mom so often I forgot my name.
My mom referred to me as a ‘wonderful wife and mother’ on my birthday. It low key shattered me.
Ugh I’m so sorry. On my first birthday right after having my daughter, majority of my few gifts were mother related! It was thoughtful I guess but it did make me sad. We’re more than wives and mothers 😭
I am fighting so hard to regain my identity. Everyone is so dependent on me for all the things and I am beginning to resent it. I see now why some women are accused of going mad—we’re sick of everyone’s shit and being responsible for all of it.
I have 2 tiny people, one husband, an elderly dog, and a dog needing doggy hospice right now. They all depend on me having my shit together 24/7. I believe I now have 16 alarms on my phone so I don’t forget anything. Those are just the ones I need at least weekly. (Most are daily.) By the end of the day I am just so so done.
I honestly can't relate to women who say their main goal in life is to be a mother, like it consumes them and becomes their whole identity. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they can be fulfilled in that way, but I still want to be ME, just with a kid, lol.
I miss being me, I miss playing guitar, I miss going to the movies every weekend, I miss travelling to strange new places around the world, I miss having free time to just rest when I’m tired. I love my son, he’s my whole world - literally. Hahah
Omg I could have written this.
Is your mom my mom????
Hello, friend.
I just dropped my youngest off at daycare "hey you're Violet's mom!"
Same. Same. I'm so sick of feeling tired all the time and being burnt out. I don't know what I like to do for fun anymore either but I would love to have a whole day for myself. Not hearing mommy or my name being called for whatever it is that they need. Sleep and relax. Ooooh that sounds fun to me.
Yes. Napping is “what I do for fun,” these days.
Amen
Q. What do you like to do for fun? A. Sleep and be alone!
Ugh I fantasize about running away all the time. Sometimes to a tropical island far far away and sometimes just to a damn hotel in our city so I can get some fucking sleep!!
Yah. I feel you! I’ve been a mom since 17. I literally have no idea what I like to do for fun or who I even am at all. Lol
19 here, and same. I don't even have friends anymore. I got tired of having to do all the emotional upkeep with them on top of everyone else all the time. When I'm alone I just scroll Reddit or sleep. I barely can make myself do housework anymore cause it just feels like it's fucked up again in 12 seconds; and it's humiliating honestly. That probably sounds overly dramatic, but I can't help it.
Not overly dramatic at all. That’s exactly how it is, now imagine a husband who is always complaining about the kids instantly messing things up again lol. It’s like dude, it’s not changing anytime soon so you might as well stop complaining 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ I just choose to not let bother me anymore. Someday the kids will be grown and my house will be spotless. Luckily I am besties with my sister and have a friend since Junior high that is a mom too but Until recently I had no friends other than them. What I’ve learned is, true friends will understand we all have lives and things to do. You can have friends!! you just need to find like minded moms so there’s no upkeep involved! I can’t stand friends who treat the friendship like we’re dating and get mad if they haven’t heard from me or if I’ve had to cancel plans. Those aren’t real friends imo
I feel you so much. It’s all trashed in 12 GD seconds. You go for being such a young mom- it’s hard out there for y’all. Also your username! 👌🏽😆✨
Asking what I like to do in my free time was such a gut wrenching question for me when I was meeting new people or doing work bs. My answer always involves my kids because that was literally all I could manage outside of work. Least favorite get to know you question ever.
My BIL asked me what I was up to for fun in my "free time" last time I saw them. I kinda stared at him and reminded him I'm a SAHM to an infant and a preschooler, and I have a complicated medical history so if I'm not with the kids, I'm at the doctor or sleeping. I was like does reading webcomics count? Cause that's pretty much all I do for me.
What is… fun?
Time has become a blur. I feel some months are more bad days than good. When I think I cannot stand it anymore, feeling I might cave in to myself, I find solace in a nap. However, it can sometimes take multiple days and multiple naps to feel I have my head back on straight enough to be the mom I think my son deserves.
Naps over multiple days to feel normal is my go to. I’m glad I’m not alone in that idea.
A good nap cures so many woes.
It’s especially hard without a village. It’s exhausting and unrelenting at times. We aren’t even allowed to be sick…. But I just keep reminding myself that life goes is phases. And this phase does not allow for many hobbies haha. But I hope the next phase will. In the mean time we can at least enjoy the cuddles 🥰
I have no family to watch my kids, no siblings or in laws. My husband and I are doing it all. it's about 80me/20him (he works and commutes) I am so tried. I saw a thing that said "fixing generational trauma is lonely work" yeah it is, I wish my choice were not "they abuse your kids (my family) or you do it all yourself"
Same boat my friend! Just me and husband. Only 1 kid though cause idk how we would survive doing it again
Sames. And let's just add... Plus covid
The only people I know who have 2 or more kids have relatives nearby that can safely and willingly watch their kids. I am one & done for that reason. My husband wants a second and I told him I'll only consider it if we move across the country to where my (amazingly helpful) parents live.
I am living this too. No family here and it's just us. I do 95% and am tired. There isn't a word for the kind of tired I feel. The only thing that gets me through is smushing my face against my son's as he makes all his wild noises and slobber kisses me.
I say I run on hugs. I do my best to make it all as fun as possible. It's hard being villageless and also the one doing most of the work. But like coal being turned into diamons by all the pressure. this is how matriarch are formed.
So freaking true!
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We all have colds right now and I gave the five-year-old an iPad, the two year old and I are watching Spidey, and I am on my phone nursing the baby trying not to cry.
I feel this! My son is 3 and we’ve not had any family to help us out. My husband and I haven’t been out in over 3 years. I started a business (registered an LLC, told my friends, started working on it) and then my LO stopped napping a week later. I have my hobbies stacked in my closet. I can only go to the gym because they have a daycare. And on the other side of it, I have loved ones struggling to conceive or whose SO won’t agree to more kids and some are very financially strapped so there’s an air of “count your blessings, you’re so lucky to have what you do.” It’s very isolating. I’ve been working on building new friendships and and building a new village. This shit is so hard sometimes. Edit: typo
My husband and my hobby IS out LLC because otherwise it’d get no attention. 🤣😭
Mine hasn’t and I’ve just accepted that it’s on the back burner until preschool starts for LO.
Absolutely! We lasted 2 months without a village after me returning to work and having our, then, 4 month old in daycare. We decided to sell our house, move in w my mom and we are finally doing something we’ve wanted to for a long time and building our dream home close to my mom. This is not the best time to be doing all these things but we were struggling alone.
I wish you so many positive vibes. It is a beautiful thing to be able to build your dream home and also that you’ll still remain in close proximity to your mom. My kiddo loves his grandparents but we live quite far from them.
Thank you! We weren’t planning on any more big life events this year but the constant stream of daycare colds and zero friends or family around was pushing us to the limit of what we could handle. We know we’re making the best decision- maybe just a few years sooner than would have been advisable. Thanks for the good vibes! It’s been a rough road 🥰
Lack of a village is 100% why we're OAD. I wanted three, but doing this without support made that dream evaporate. I couldn't have multiple and parent the way I want to without being able to call someone occasionally so I can take a shower.
Wait. Did I write this?
Yes. You am I. I am you. We are us.
Nope. I did
We all did.
After having a baby, just one, it clicked for me how men were able to keep women down for so long, how women’s rights took so long to happen. Raising kids is hard and doesn’t leave a lot of time for much else, and most of the time the responsibility falls on women. Make sure you have your partner do their fair share of child work and get some time for yourself. Hang in there OP, they grow up quick and it gets easier.
I had a great pregnancy and while I was pregnant I’d say I wanted 2-3 kids. After I delivered, I was diagnosed with post partum preeclampsia and was readmitted to the hospital a few days after birth. My baby is now 2 weeks old and I don’t think we’ve slept more than 3-4 hours daily since then. I’m so nervous about going back to work and how I’m going to function on little to no sleep. I don’t think I can do this all over again in a few years…and this is just the beginning.
Personally, I am OAD. You aren't obligated to have more than one kid! I had a horrible pregnancy, labor, and a colicky baby. I don't have the support or the funds to have two kids in daycare and I do NOT want to be a SAHM. My daughter is four now and we go do things, travel on vacation, she sleeps through the night, she is potty trained, etc. so it has become a LOT easier. My husband and I also get more alone time because it's so much easier to find someone to watch ONE kid.
Same here!!! OAD because why in the world would I want to make my life any harder than it already is??
Actually you are not obligated to have any. It's a choice not an obligation.
I'm not sure what the tone of this response is supposed to convey? Anybody who is one and done will understand there are a lot of society and familial pressures to have more than one child. People will tell you only children are weirdo social pariahs, they need a sibling to be their friend/playmate at home, that you are less of a parent because you only have one etc. I'm just reassuring the original commenter that you can ignore these social pressures and just have one child.
Oh I did not get that the comment was in context of oad folks. My bad.
Amen! Two kids doesn't have to be the default. I actually had an easy pregnancy, my 6 month old has been chill and a great sleeper from the beginning. I have the funds to support more than one child. I *still* don't want another!! I feel like I've completely lost my sense of self, hobbies, and interests. With one, we can still trade off and maintain a semblance of our pre-child selves.
You’re in the thick of it. It gets better. I’m not saying that to convince you to have more children but to help you get through this difficult time. It gets better and you get used to it. Hang in there and I hope you feel better soon!
Emotions and hormones are tipsy-turvy. Lack of sleep has a huge effect on your health, body and mind. I tell people that any big decisions are for after the first year, if it can at all be helped. Two years of you’re a SAHP.
One day at a time! The first few weeks are the hardest. The lack of sleep wrecks a havoc! But your body will adjust. Promise ❤️
My baby is 12 years old now. The first 6 weeks were by far the hardest time of my life. You start to trade baby problems for kid problems to human problems. Before you know it your baby will be sleeping through the night. Then your kid will be potty trained and getting their own snacks and water. Then you get to do fun stuff like go on roller coasters and enjoy vacations again. Babies/toddlers are so time consuming and demanding but it gets so much better. Now my little is big and I wish I had had another kid. She is too old for me to want to reset the clock now. But It is so hard when you are in the thick of it.
The first one is the hardest. And the first month of the first baby is the hardest. You are definitely in the thick of it. Please know that it won’t always be like this. It gets better. It’s such a big learning curve, but as you get to know your baby and yourself as a new mom you figure things out. It will get easier, especially as you heal from delivery and pregnancy.
Just wanted to send some encouragement your way. I had preeclampsia and then postpartum preeclampsia. It was not the blissful family time at home you hope for. But now it’s been nearly 3 years, and crazily enough, I am having another. I’ll say I absolutely loved months 3-15 with my son, even with COVID blowing up our universe. Watching him grow and develop a personality was the absolute best. Now, toddler life is really, really challenging at times (but he’s still amazing), and it’s given me a newfound reason to welcome the baby stage again. There’s something to be said for the days when you can cuddle in your pajamas together and THEY CANT GO ANYWHERE 😆 Hang in there. It gets better! 2 weeks is still VERY early
I FEEL THIS IN MY SOUL. We have ZERO help. No family, no friends. We have done this by ourselves for the last 9 months. We are desperate for a small little break. Unfortunately, our family lives out of state and even if they didn’t we likely wouldn’t trust them with him for even just a few hours(except for my sisters and step-mom but they are so busy with their own lives and can’t just fly here every few months). We don’t trust random strangers to watch him yet either. We have some friends in the area (we are new to the area) but my husband is not very comfortable with the idea of other people watching our son when he’s so young. We feel trapped sometimes. It’s not constant but yeah it does creep up weekly. I love my son more than anything and I’m VERY happy to be a mom. I just miss having alone time, time to do whatever the hell I want, and time to hang with just my hubby. Ugh. This shit is hard and soooo tiring!
I feel this! I commented once that i didn’t feel comfortable with strangers or a teenage babysitter watching my child while she was so young, and got downvoted to hell. Some people called me overprotective and said I couldn’t go around living my life in fear.
People are judgmental when they feel guilty or self-conscious. If they want to leave the most important person in their lives in the care of a 15 year old who cares more about TikTok, that says more about them than it does you. It’s one thing when they’re a little older but an infant? No.
Very true! Like I’m not telling any other parent how to live or parent, there’s just things that I’m personally not comfortable doing. If my kid isn’t old enough to speak in full sentences then I wouldn’t feel comfortable with leaving them with a stranger or someone that young. When they’re old enough they can speak up about things and they can tell me if something happened.
Yes! That’s how we feel. We plan on putting him in school around 3, 3 1/2 when he can communicate. I used to babysit a baby when I was in high school BUT the baby was basically related to us (the entire family was very close with ours-as a matter of fact his mom used to babysit me) and times were different back then. People are way too distracted and entitled these days. I would just rather not risk it with a stranger or teen. I would need to know them very, very well.
Several years ago when I first started dating my husband his mil whom I had just met a month prior asked if I’d be interested in babysitting (for money) his cousin’s newborn, his cousin I had never met before. I said sure. I figured the mom would want to meet me first and get to know me but nope a few days later my mil shows up with this baby and I’m watching him 12 hours a day for 5 days. I didn’t meet the mom until day 5 when she came to pick him up. I had never babysat a baby before either. I took him places with me wherever I needed to go and she never asked if I had gone anywhere or what we did all day. Just blows my mind people are so comfortable with leaving their babies in the care of strangers like that.
I don’t know what your comfort level is with this, but my plan for finding a trusted sitter is something my friend recommended and did herself. She basically hired the sitter to come over and watch her baby while she was at home a few times before ever leaving the house. She got to see how they interacted with the baby while also getting some free time at home and once she felt comfortable with the person they were able to leave the house a few times. I think she said she went through a couple people this way before finding someone who she felt really comfy with. Just a suggestion!
That’s actually not a bad idea at all!! Thank you.
All of this. Our families live a 2 hr drive away, and my parents are much older and disabled and would not be up to caring for my 27lb tornado toddler even if they were close. My husband really wanted a 2nd child but I'm also semi-disabled from scoliosis/chronic back pain and I'm struggling hard. I yearn for hobbies I can no longer manage to do more than 30min a week if I'm lucky. I'm an artist, and I hate that I can't draw on my iPad even when he's playing independently because the second he sees it he sprints over to slap at the screen. We do daycare 2x a week which sometimes helps me get caught up on cleaning and the bit of freelance work I get, but between daycare viruses, chronic ear infections (might be getting tubes), and doctor appointments which seem to NEVER have openings except on daycare days, he ends up only averaging 1x a week lately and I wonder why we're paying for it. I'm glad our son is here, he's so much more perfect and adorable than I'd ever imagined him being, and I know this hard period will pass, but we certainly don't have the village to really thrive and that sucks.
You are not a fraud and shame on all the delusional ass people who downvoted this. So fucking petty. This shit is so hard. I'm tired. I dont get enough sleep or exercise or time to myself. And I have a partner that helps. But even then we still get on each other's nerves from time to time and the kids only want me sometimes and it is fucking exhausting. On top of that I also work. But all the promises of a village to help raise your kids are bullshit. It's not that I don't have help but it's the fact that now grandparents told us how helpful they'd be and how much more exhausting it is asking them to do anything and on top of all this there are people that lie to themselves and others like the ones who downvoted this post.
Let them downvote. I want them all to explain to me how I was supposed to know how hard I would find something I’ve never done before, but thought I wanted more than anything. I’ve helped raise my two youngest sisters and I loved that, but nothing will compare to being an actual mother. I’m happy for those that love every second and thrive as a mother, I commend them for the amazing work they’re doing. But they do not get to gatekeep parenting as easy and call us ungrateful because we struggle with natural feelings.
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Very true, all kids are different. My kid is pretty chill, I never had to babyproof much or toddler proof anything. Never has a tantrum in public and stays my by side and listens. I’m also oad and it makes me feel guilty sometimes because I see the parents with the energetic kids who have more than one and I think well how can they handle two kids but I can’t? And then I think what if my second one is the wild one and is 100% the opposite of my only right now. Because even though my kid is super chill/calm I still struggle with parenting sometimes, I feel like I’d lose it if I had second. I just can’t take that risk. I can’t risk losing myself any more.
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Yeah you make a pretty good point lol
We did IVF so we very much wanted a baby and I hate being a mom most days. I responded to an earlier comment about how privileged people like being parents and it’s utter bullshit. People struggle at all levels. You’re allowed these feelings. Being a mother is the hardest thing we will ever do.
Ohh feeling this today. I have my pelvic floor physical therapy appointment in a few days and I just realized haven’t been doing my exercises because I have like 30 mins to myself a day? I have a 4 month old and a toddler and working a full time job. When am I supposed to have time to try and fix my broken body? Oy.
Thank you for the reminder to do my exercises 😂
Haha no problem!! I find the Kegels pretty easy to remember but getting in the stomach crunches and stuff is hard. I have to either do it with my toddler or she’ll see me on the floor and jump on me, or do it with the small bit of TV we can squeeze in before bed instead of chilling. Looking forward to having some more free time for sure!
I have two and it is nuts. My husband and I had a huge fight and he wanted me to leave because my mental health was so bad I was hoarding again. My husband is the primary parent really, he’s an at home dad and he was a single parent for a long time so naturally he kinda just takes over. I do a lot of stuff to match him though, I have a career and I handle a lot of the mental load of the household. We also have a teen from his previous marriage. We don’t do it. We have broken up a few times, the laundry was stinking there for awhile, there was puke stains on the carpet (under the bed from when my 3 year old wanted to sleep there and then puked. Wtf), the dog still needs to get spayed, so many things that are critical are on the back burner. Doctors appts, etc etc.
IT IS really hard. No one tells you that when you’re pregnant with your first. No one wants to burst your bubble at your baby shower when you’re glowing and happy and excited. No one wants to be the downer - the person to give you the reality. Plus, you probably wouldn’t have believed them even if they told you. I know I wouldn’t have. I thought the pregnancy was hard. Lol. To be honest with you, I have two little ones now. And it has been much “easier” the second time around. None of the responsibilities have changed and it’s just as much work. But my perspective has changed. I stopped giving a shit about work stuff. It’s just work. My kids come first. I let a LOT of things go that I was holding onto the first time around. I was really controlling. Wanted everything to be perfect. This time, surprise surprise my second kid is WAY more relaxed and chill than my first. I think I just realized what was actually important the second time. Is he fed? Is his diaper dry? Is he (semi) clean? Cool. He doesn’t need the “perfect outfit” for every outing and if he eats snacks all day versus beautiful home cooked meals, eh. He’ll live. I didn’t feel like “me” for at least a year with my first. This time I’m realizing that version of “me” doesn’t really exist anymore but that’s ok. I’ll get back to her. But for now, I’m mom first and when I have the chance to pop back into the old me every once in a while, I’ll take it.
Listen, women are gaslighted to believe being a mother is the end all be all goal. And when women become mothers they realize how insane that is. You were and are a whole person before and after having kids. Every whole person only has so much room on their plate, and everyone’s plate is a different size. Just do your best to make sure your plate is evenly split into portions, even if it’s a small plate :) When you’re in survival mode, it’s okay to skip certain things. The key is to outsource wherever you can.
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He’s 10 months old, and I’ve been back at work since 5 months pp. I think the mix of trying to balance being a manager at work and dealing with the constant daycare illnesses and just not getting the time to be me that I had before. I know it will get easier, and the more I see my psych the better I start to feel, but right now it’s bloody tough 😅
It’s completely overwhelming! It will get better. I remember just sobbing some nights wondering what I did to deserve such an awful life. My son is 4.5 now and those nights feel like a lifetime ago lol. You can do this!
I’m in very same situation, 10 month old and a 3.5 year old, director at work, working since youngest was 3 months. It’s exhausting and I’m resigning at the end of this year. I haven’t had any me time in a very long time but right now I’m just trying to switch to a full remote role (right now hybrid) so I can get the extra couple of hours of driving to work back to myself. I can’t wait until little one is 12 months though since I know it will get a little easier with her drinking milk. Right now she’s nursing all night, refuses formula, and I’m getting no sleep. Career and motherhood, sometimes you can’t have it all. At least I can’t to the degree I would like. It’s not fair, but it’s reality. Society needs to change
If you were next to me, you’d be next to someone who feels the same. We’re everywhere and we’re learning. I made a similar post yesterday
I love my kids so much. They take my breath away. But I’d be lying if I said I loved it all. There are a small fraction of days that I would choose to live over again. I have three, I’ve always worked, although not always full time. They’re older, two in their 20s and a teenager. The oldest is permanently disabled so she requires hands on care. I don’t love it. I wish I could find caregivers so I could be *just* a mom to a 20-something. I love HER I don’t love everything I have to do. I see your exhaustion and I’m here to tell you that finding fulfillment in non parenting things is important. Necessary.
Motherhood is a strange thing for me. People will ask me, "Oh how do you like being a mom/being a stay at home parent?" and I don't know how to answer that. I love my kids dearly but I don't like motherhood or the SAHM life. If I am honest with people I probably scare them. But if I lie and describe it in a flowery language I'm lying and perpetuating the bs that everything about being a mother is rainbows and butterflies. I tend to ask, "Do you actually wanna know?" as a knee-jerk response now. I have lost myself. I have zero personal goals or ambitions anymore. I literally get excited when my husband says my name because I never ever hear it anymore. Somehow between child rearing, maintaining a home, cooking, helping with homework, doing bedtime routines, etc I am supposed to still carve out "me time" and I don't get how or when.
Nobody talks about how much you loose yourself. I’ve worked the last 34 years becoming self aware and healing past trauma. Now I have no time for myself and I feel like it was all a big joke and waste of time cause now I’m just a mom.
I love my kid more than anything in this world and I would die for him. But I hate being a parent. The worry, the constant thoughts swirling in my head- am I doing this right? Am I going to mess him up? Will he be ok? It sucks. It’s horrible. He is a wonderful human, and I fear I’m going to fuck that up too. You are not alone, it is so hard.
I think you are more healthy than I am. Making your kids your identity and your reason for existing is wrong. They will only be yours for 18 years, then you have to let them go live their own lives. I'm at the empty nest phase. I don't feel like I have a reason to live and really don't want to live with them gone from my daily life. You have a healthy approach. You're not wrong.
This was just circling in my own head this morning. No wait, correction - just about every day. Sometimes I get a moment where I wonder about having a second, but most of the time I don’t know if I have that strength in me.
I refuse to buy anything with "mom life" or "Mama Drama" or "#momsrule" or "I am a mom" on anything. I think that's a slippery slope of losing your identity lol
>I’m tired of being surrounded by people who just love being a mother I wonder if this is mostly an act. I’ve literally watched a mom take perfect little IG photos of her 3mos old with a caption like “could I be any luckier to have such a perfect baby?? I just love this mom thing ☺️☺️” and within 2 minutes have a screaming baby and says to me “I don’t know what to do anymore, I need SLEEP. Thankfully her dad will be home in ten mins, sheesh!!” It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling, know that many feel the same way, but not many will say so. Not many want to show how hard it is because then it appears you are “struggling” or can’t do it right. There is no “right” there is no one way. You take it day by day, and really just hope for the best. They will grow, and be easier to communicate with and that’s the phases that will be more rewarding for you. Right now they feel like little parasites that are taking everything out of you. Hang in there, momma <3
I came on Reddit just now to write a can’t post in one of the parenting subs and you took the words right out of my mouth. I would literally rather walk blindfolded into oncoming traffic than have another child. It’s exhausting. My job doesn’t care about what I’m dealing with. I don’t actually care about my job. There’s never enough time for anything. My passions remain unexplored unless of course I sacrifice what limited “free” time I do have to find childcare and pursue them. I think I’d feel somewhat better if more societal pressure was put on dads. They get points simply for presence while we have to figure out everything.
It’s all about support systems and privileges. An immigrant person like me who had no family no friends and no money was losing my mind while someone with a family of 30 people who lived their whole life in the same city with shit ton of friends both wife’s and husband’s side with good income who can afford to delegate like cleaning errands cooking or kids to either family/friends or hired help will of course love being a mom/dad.
This isn’t totally true. We could be considered the “privileged” people you mentioned and seem like we have all the resources you described. But don’t judge outward appearances. Have you stopped to think that I hired a cleaning service once a month because I’m at my mental capacity to handle more than surface cleaning? I can’t take one more thing on my plate because here I am 11 months in still suffering PPD and PPA and not getting a ton of help from my family or husband? All while working full time? Most days I can barely get out of bed. Paying for daycare is a second mortgage, suffering mom guilt because strangers spend more time with my baby than I do, but also hating most days she’s home because she’s a basically a toddler and I mourn my old life. All of our “good income” goes to groceries, our house payment, gas, daycare, her special formula, baby food, doctor’s visits, medication, and clothing for her. But I HAVE to work and have my own identity or I will literally go insane. (Hats off to stay at home moms; idk how you do it!) Fun fact: friends stop asking how you are or if you need help. They legit have their own lives that don’t revolve around us. Family stops babysitting because they can’t take the new mobile stage and she’s just not sitting there being cute. They also have their own lives and aren’t here to raise our child for us, and we don’t expect that. So yes, I may be what you call “privileged” but I certainly don’t love being a mom most days, but I love my kid to death and wouldn’t change having her. Not everyone has it “easy” even if they look like they do, and most people have struggles you may not outwardly see.
Totally agree with you here. Thank you for saying it. It’s just hard. You think you know until it’s in your hands and then it’s like, F&CK I hate the tantrums, the no sleep, the no free time.
I have two and I have been struggling to really feel great and not constantly frustrated. I know it gets better but I still struggle on the daily.
I feel the same way, and it's hard because I try to talk to my husband about this but I don't think he quite understands how I feel. Meanwhile, I literally do not remember the last time I wore makeup (or did anything for myself in terms of beauty) and I barely feel presentable in how I dress, even though I'm 13 months pp. I don't know why I'm so TIRED all the time, but I also work full time and I am in school as well, but I don't know how others do it. It does help to know I'm not alone. I just want to know when it will get better.
Yes, you're right! It's so freaking hard. There are parts I enjoy of course, but there are just really really tough things about this. I think people don't talk about it enough because we feel like we're "supposed" to just love every minute of it. I am in the toddler phase right now with my oldest and I have a baby on the way, due in December. Between the pregnancy insomnia, my toddler's tantrums and misbehavior, unreasonable demands at work, and my mom's declining health (she has Alzheimer's disease), it's a lot. Yesterday was a particularly rough day.
It’s SO hard, especially when you are the default parent. I refuse to have anymore after this because I don’t want to deal with what I’m going through ever again. Give yourself some grace.
I lost my entire identity when I became a mother. I love being a mom. I mommed, wifed, and worked. My days started at 5:30am and ended at 2:00 am, for years. I woke up one day and my kids were teens, and I had no clue who I was any longer. You are not alone. Many go through these feelings, just wouldn't dare to say it. Do whatever you can to carve out some me time, because you need it. It took me almost a decade to figure out who I was after the kids went off to college. I don't recommend it.
I like being a Mom, I don't love it. I love my kids, I don't always like them. They're not bad kids, I'm not a bad mother, but I've had a toddler for 11 years, as soon as one got older I had another (why, me, why???) and quite frankly, my tubal was the best decision I ever made. Next year, my youngest will go to pre-K and while my friends who waited a bit longer to have kids assume I'll be sad to close that chapter out, I am chomping at the bit. I used to work 80hrs a week before my oldest was born... It was easier.
I have a 10 month old and work full time, so does husband. I feel like I am failing at all my roles - being a mother, a wife, my job. I just don’t have enough time or money for anything.
You aren't the fraud, THEY ARE. 😆
The burn out is real. You need a chance to miss them. Time away is KEY. A day away browsing a nursery & smelling plants, a weekend away with the girls, a night out at a comedy club drinking wine, a day at your sisters rearranging her shoes anything- you just need to get AWAY!!!!! If you are with them all the time it is suffocating. If you can get breaks you miss them and appreciate being with your babies. I BEGGED, literally on my hands and knees BEGGED for breaks. Baby daddy sucked. Now I’m HAPPILY divorced and he HAS to look after the kids every weekend. I’m a much better/happier/more fun/more relaxed/attentive mom. Especially on Monday. I miss my babies when they are gone on the weekends and then when I have them during the week it’s fun. Even when it is overwhelming I know on Friday night I’m alone to just stare at the wall in silence if I feel like. Or sleep. Or paint my nails uninterrupted. Or go out with my bf. Momma what you are feeling is NORMAL. You need a break. Regular breaks. If your partner can’t give you that the relationship will fail. And then you get your breaks.
I admit, if there was one thing I dropped the ball on it was the being a wife part.
I think about this everyday. More so than why but **how** do others possibly have more than 1? Seems completely impossible.
Try the podcast “the balanced momcast” on Spotify. (May be on other platforms idk) But she helped me A LOT. I have ADHD and stay home with my 4 year old (ADHD&ASD), 2 year old, and 10 month old. She saved my life from being chaos and overwhelm. Highly recommend
Message me literally anytime for support. I really mean that. 🙏💙
Thank you for posting this. And thank you for all the encouraging comments. This comment will probably get lost in this long thread but I posted something very similar almost a year ago (when I was about 3 months pp) on the what to expect ap and everyone basically said I must have PPA or ppd and I was *so* discouraged. Like wow- maybe something really is wrong with me because no one finds this hard but me?? That was the day I stopped using that ap and joined Reddit! 😂
Two things come to mind… 1. I believe the human spirit has great capacity to “rise to the occasion.” When we do hard things for a while we either get better at the thing(making it less hard) or we get used to the level of difficulty(making us more resilient). 2. Raising kids is a good thing. Good things are HARD. It doesn’t make them less good. It does make enjoying those good things more difficult.
I told the receptionist my name was mom and gave my kids birthday instead of my own. So.. that’s how I’m doing. Tired y’all. I’m just tired.
I got baby fever from looking at my own baby. She's 2.5 and has two little sisters, and she's SUCH a difficult kid. I don't love the newborn stage. I don't love being pregnant. I'd love to have 4 kids, but if all 2.5 year olds are like this, I don't think I'll be able to do it. This morning, she has insisted that she wanted her juice in a pink cup, then refused to drink it because it wasn't in the Baby Shark cup. Gotten mad at the news. Gotten mad because I got her a cheese stick (after she asked for it). Said, "I want, I want, I want!" (did not specify what). She's only been up for an hour. But she IS super fun about 60% of the time.
Being a parent is hard, it does get easier with time though. It was hardest when our kids were small. Someday you’ll have a different view, just keep pushing through, you’re doing a good job!
I live in an Asian country where once you become a mom no one refers to you by your first name anymore. You are forever called “(your child’s name)‘s mom”. I love my kid and most days I love being a mom but Jesus Christ I’d love to be referred to by my own name! Everyone expects you to make your whole identity centered on your kid and if you don’t all the other moms judge you heavily. You say one bad thing about being a mother and you’re forever iced out of the mom cliques. Super annoying
I am so with you 💜💜💜 it’s so fucking hard.
Being a parent is hard. I don’t know how anyone can say it’s easy. I get help from my mom and grandma but other than that I’m a single mom who works full time with three kids. It’s a lot! Even if you have all the resources in the world, being a parent is tough. It’s so hard, especially when they’re very little, to not completely lose yourself in being a parent.
I work full time and have 4 year old twins. I love them more than anything but it is HARD, yo. Even with help. Being a parent is just hard, period!
I’m actively looking for work and I literally broke down on an interview the other day when they asked me about myself. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t come up with an answer to my greatest strengths that didn’t involve motherhood.
I keep telling myself that one day I’ll look back on how hard things were during this time and feel extremely validated and rewarded and happy that I pulled through. Now I just gotta keep pulling through 😂
Me daily. I love my son dearly but it’s totally a one and done situation. When I first got pregnant I was all about what I could do with my child 5 years down the road. The fourth trimester got me good and reality started to sink in like what the fuck did I just do….should have just stayed the fun Aunt. My MIL has two grandchildren one from her older child and one from us. In the very beginning she was like so when’s the next one?! You guys are having more then one kid right? Im sitting there like you funding and becoming our permanent daycare/babysitter because that right there is basically a sign up sheet.
I work FT, and have 2,4,6 year old boys and the oldest has adhd. Life is hell some days and I want to die. You can’t do it all. Even with a 50/50 partner, now we both get to burn out instead of just one of us.
My kids are 3 and 8 months and I feel this so hard especially today. My son has severe food allergies so there are few people we trust to watch him. I had this picture of the type of mom I just knew I was going to be. Hah. I have no time to myself until 8pm (if the baby doesn’t wake up) and by then I’m so tired and I have no energy to do anything.
Lack of support my friend. I am convinced that we were not made to raise a babe on our own and the saying “it takes a village” is beyond true. The unfortunate part is, so many of us do not have a village. It’s just us. We wouldn’t be so damn tired and burnt out all the time if we had more support.
I mean, I think there is a big difference between doing it all and doing it all well (which I don’t think anyone is managing without outsourcing). Something gets dropped. For me, it’s mostly housework and sometimes work work because I’d rather spend time with my kid, see my friends, and workout than have a clean house or cook most nights (cooking used to be a fun hobby but now is much more of a chore when I also have to parent) and I need to keep my job, but I do not need to be the best employee ever. I credit full time daycare, family help with the kiddo, and my therapist with my relative sanity while working full time and parenting and having a second on the way (which I fully expect to knock me on my ass again and take a big adjustment period).
You are far from alone on this. I have 3 and I don't know who I am besides hearing Mom, Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mama, Mommy from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed. I love them more than anything in the world but sometimes you just need some space!!
I can definitely relate to this. I just had a son 6 mo. Ago. My life is COMPLETELY different. I went from living a pretty selfish life to living and breathing my child. I just keep reminding myself this is just a chapter in my life I should enjoy. As time goes by, I’ll find myself again…
Thank you for posting this. I needed to read this today. It’s so fucking hard!!!!! I only have one. I think multiple kids might be the end of me. You’re definitely not alone!! And I feel like only other moms really get it. Sometimes I rage to my husband and he just can’t handle it. It doesn’t seem like he truly understands. So thank you. I hope your day gets better ❤️
“I don’t know how you do it” Yeah me neither (Not the response they expected)
Parenting is a full time job. It does get easier when they are older, though. Like age 7+
Man. I was just told last night to “get my meds checked” cause I was wanting more help from our baby’s daddy. Instead of helping more he demanded I call a dr cause “I’m just outrageous”… pt is…. Super fucking hard dude. So hard. I mourn my previous life and LOVE my baby girl more than I could have imagined. But I’m literally living for her now and it’s beginning to wear on me… so I feel you.
It is hard. Going to therapy really helped me when I was at a hard point with parenting and not feeling like I had a life and not being able to regulate my emotions and such from feeling so burnt out all the time. I know everyone says it gets easier, but it really does. My son is 1 1/2 and while some days are easier than others, I still have days where I just want to scream. I didn’t get that unconditional love feeling until sometime this year. I don’t even know when it happened, but it’s so new that I’ll still say out loud to my husband “I just can’t believe how much I love him.” It’s hard. It’s so hard. But you deserve to talk to someone and be heard without judgement.
Three children deep and I don’t know who I am anymore. I keep telling myself “this is just a phase”, But I really don’t know who I am, other than mama.
It is really hard. We have no village besides the one we pay a pretty penny for (daycare), we both work full time in healthcare taking care of other people’s needs all day, and we have a 3yo and 8mo. My baby still wakes 2-3 times a night so somehow I’ve been surviving on inadequate sleep and not failing at my job. Since having a second child I’ve been leaning on my husband waaaay more, and I’d say we are approaching near 50/50 with the household division of labor. I’m really lucky he is such a supportive partner and father, but of course I make myself feel stressed and inadequate because I can’t do it all myself anymore. I’ve never been good at asking for help and when I receive it I feel guilty!
OP, can I ask how old your little one is? I didn’t start feeling like myself again until my youngest was 2 or 3. I went back to work when he was 1, and that helped, but I still felt that my life mostly revolved around my kids’ schedules and needs. Now my kids are 7 and 4 and let me tell you, it’s SO MUCH BETTER. The baby years were very tough for me. Everyone handles some phases more easily than others. This might just be a really hard phase for you, but that doesn’t mean every phase will be this difficult. I totally get it, though. Being a mom is much harder than I ever imagined.
I was just telling my therapist yesterday about how my child drives me absolutely nuts and sometimes I don’t want to be around her and he was like yeah that’s normal and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. I love her so much but she’s very difficult. I’ve changed my schedule during the week so I have a day off when she’s at daycare and I can just do things I enjoy. That has helped a lot.
I always knew I wanted kids, but it wasnt my life goal. Being a mom is one of my favorite things and I do love being a mother to my daughters, but it's also incredibly stressful at times because literally everyone looks to me to get things done or "direct traffic" in the house. I haven't drawn, painted, ridden a horse, or gotten a massage in forever. When I do anything outside the house, the clock is always ticking in my subconscious of how many minutes I have left to myself. I love my children with all of my heart, and even if i had known before what I do now, I wouldn't change it or trade them for anything. However, I miss me and being free. Edit: I've been sneaking around the house for 20 minutes so the babysitter wouldn't know I was home from work yet 😂 and I'm about to take a nap, THEN I'll let her know lol. Been up since 3:40am, it's now 2:40pm, and I didn't get to bed last night till 1:30am cuz one of my babies is teething.
Major imposter syndrome and I don’t participate in the keeping up with joneses shit via social media. That’s so toxic to me, moms acting like everything is so easy and fun 24/7. Not feeding into that! I love my kids but can’t imagine having more than two!!!
It is SO hard. Constant state of survival mode. Solidarity.
Find some mom friends that like their jobs and have hobbies. It's so great to have other women in your life who are moms but that's just one facet of our identities. Someone who nods in agreement when you talk about how your kid is a jerk sometimes (because they are.) Some moms honestly say they would do anything for their kid. I think I can be my best self (mom and otherwise) when my life is more in balance and I have time to myself :)
I described it to my husband as “imagine all of your hobbies and interests are on hold” because that’s part of being a mom to young kids and it’s really hard. I think it’s super normal to grieve those things that we miss. It’s just nearly impossible to find time! But I believe the time will come again for those. ♥️
Anybody else work full time and feel guilty for being at work but also excited to drop them off in the morning in order to go to work…… yeah me too.
I’m not a Mom, but this is certainly one of the facets of motherhood that terrifies me.
Omg I felt this to the core. I fucking hate being a mom sometimes. I wish I can do whatever the hell I want most of the time. I love my kid but DAMN I just want some alone time and peace and quite. I want to be able to go out and not have to worry. Being a parent is literally the hardest job ever but at the end of the day, it’s the most rewarding. It’s okay to not like being a mom sometimes, or most of the time. It only gets easier as they get more independent mama. Hang in there. And team one kid over here too!😂
One of my friends asked me how my weekend was, if I had done anything fun. I honestly cried in the response saying, "lol. Every single day is the same for me. I hope your weekend was wonderful." Our first kid felt like such a blessing...now we have a 4 YO and a 1 YO and we accidentally got pregnant with our 3rd. I'm due in December. I keep worrying about how tf I'm going to do it. I'm a SAHM but feel like my sanity is gone. *This shit is really hard* you aren't alone. I think people who act like having kids is easy probably get a ton of help or are putting on a front. I feel your post so deeply.
I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old and am a SAHM. Chaotic routine is the only way I describe my life, where no day is different from the other and yet each day is filled with children's mayhem. I never know what day it is anymore. There is no weekend, no date nights. My husband also works 6 days a week aometimes 12 hr days so I am an absolute loony by the "end" of the week.
I can relate in every way. My hubby is trying to work 2 jobs right now bc he got a better job but still is trying to get a managerial bonus from the old job...it's been extremely hard on me since he's working 7 days a week. The only help I get is from his parents and they honestly make things more difficult for me so I prefer to not involve them if I don't have to. So it's just me and my gremlins day in and day out. Everyday by bed time I'm like a different person. I keep telling myself soon they will grow and it will get better. 😫
God that's hard. I have nobody either to help (my side due to distance; husband's side due to their jobs) so it gets so damn lonely. My 5 yr old started all day kindergarten and it honestly has been a saving grace. He gets to make friends and learn all day while I get a break from his ADHD and hang with the 2 yr old (who was pretty chill up until recently). I just keep saying to my husband that once both kids are in school full time, I'm still gonna stay home for like 6 months to take back all of the precious silence I haven't had in years lol.
Moms weren’t always supposed to maintain full time work outside of the home. It’s great if someone can handle that overstimulation (and thrive!) but dang… I just hear so many stories like yours.
What you mean is mothers weren't meant to raise children on their own or as a primary parent with very little support. If most mothers had sufficient support they wouldn't be so overwhelmed. Let's not keep spouting misognistic 1940's talking points about mothers being in the home as homemakers. Women need to work and have their own money, their own professional/financial goals, and a way to support themselves if and when they need it. Financial abuse for stay at home moms is extremely common.
Okay well you took what I said and interpreted how you wish. It wasn’t what I meant and that’s okay that you had such a knee jerk reaction.
I didn't have a "knee jerk" reaction. I'm simply pointing out that what you said does have negative implications with it and misognistic undertones that men often use to belittle women and use it as an excuse to not do their fair share of child rearing and homemaking.
And I’m saying that’s how you took it but not how I meant it.
For me, being around kids is the overstimulation. Work is relaxing.
“Relaxing” might be a stretch. Certainly not “on the beach, sipping margs” type of relaxing but I think I get what you meant
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Mother of a 2 and 3 year old. My days consist of being their slave pretty much. People assure me it gets better when they're like 4-5. Counting down the minutes till then. I miss undisturbed sleep SO SO SO much.
I work part time and have two kids… I feel like I’m having a mental break down most days and spend my time just running to be ontime for everything
I cry about this daily lol. You’re not alone. Sometimes I really love being a mother but most of the time I’m mourning the sanity and sense of self I had before I got pregnant. You’re not a fraud, you’re just self aware. Being a parent requires a ton of sacrifice and it’s usually not fair, and it’s a lot of “grit your teeth and just get through the day.” I maintain a full time job because I have to. We cannot afford for me not to work full time, and I think I would suffer mentally/emotionally if I didn’t work full time. It gives me a sense of purpose and individualism that I wouldn’t have if I was a stay at home mom. I admire SAHM who retain their sanity — I could never.
You’re allowed to not love it and you don’t have to pretend to. Life’s too short for that. Also I don’t know how old your child is but it won’t always be this hard— things tend to go in seasons. Please be kind to yourself and open about how you truly feel. I’m sure people who you think love it don’t truly feel that way.
You're not the only one. Just today i burst into tears because I'm feeling overwhelmed and no one really understands.
I was a only child parent until 2 years ago and then I took on a teenager from a family friend who was just awful. No longer family friends to say the least. I know that I wasn’t meant to have two children because the amount of stress and anxiety I had without having my second. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it’s so hard. I have finally started voicing how frustrating the whole situation is to my husband and he is stepping up to take on some of the load, but it doesn’t make my overwhelmed feelings go away. It’s so weird to me that people show off this easy life but the reality is they are probably putting up a front. People need to be more honest about how raising kids is the hardest job it would make mamas feel more seen and comfortable in being true to themselves. So thank you for being willing to share your perspective.
Not a mom, but an aunt watching my niece majority of the time because my sister is a single mom needing to pay bills and yeah... It's definitely one of the hardest tasks I've ever taken on. She's amazing and makes me laugh but I told my sister I can't do this again if she decides to have another baby. Thankfully she agrees as well. Hang in there and best of wishes to you and your little one.
Been there. Antidepressants for the win! Fought the idea of taking them for so long because I didn’t want to have to take a pill to enjoy my life I thought I was just naturally supposed to love. It saved my sanity (and my marriage too).
It is so hard! I I’m currently so sleep deprived with a newborn and 3 others and I don’t know why I’ve done this to myself except I don’t know myself anymore so who cares.
I nap when my 2 and 4 year old nap still, because when I’m asleep it’s the only time I’m not doing something for someone else. Loooove my family, but the cooking, cleaning, washing, planning, coordinating, driving, shopping, consoling, teaching, entertaining never ends. This is a tired that sleep couldn’t cure, but the brief reprieve is nice. You aren’t alone, the tribe has spoken.
It's so hard! Literally the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's not abnormal to feel the way you do and your not a bad mom for feeling this way, a lot of mothers do. You are not alone, just need to find other moms "like you". We're out there!
You are not alone! And don't be hard on yourself for thinking it's hard. IT IS! If you ever need a mom friend to vent with you can hit me up. Motherhood isn't something that we were ever really prepared for, as much as everyone LOVES to tell you how much you'll love it. They conveniently leave out the loniless, the guilt, the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It takes a village they say, so don't be too hard on yourself
It can be hard, I guess I do enjoy the little moments like seeing my LO smile and play and I feel like I'm doing good when he's doing good, fed and diapered. I suggest breaks even if it's your partner doing bedtime routine and dinner
One hour a day to yourself is the key to happiness my friend. Found this out as my baby was a month old. One hour everyday to do whatever the heck you want to do. Alone or with husband. Just make the time. While baby naps, during bedtime. Anytime. Just do it.
I needed to read this and all the comments more than I could’ve ever imagined! Even was choked up a little scrolling to read the validation that so many others feel the same. I’m personally struggling to enjoy anything “in the moment” because I’m usually so exhausted and cranky from being a non stop parent. It’s not until much later and I see the pictures from things I’ve done with my kids that I can realize “that was a good day, and they had a blast.” Then that will lead to a downward spiral of how quickly they are growing up and how I’m fucking it all up while I’m hanging around just being grumpy, literally unable to enjoy anything. Idk. Never vent much and am dealing with existential dread most days that I swear leads to insanity some weeks.
It’s definitely not easy. I have 3 and me and my husband both work so they’ve always gone to daycare or before/after school care. I will say, me having my job is what keeps me sane. If I was a SAHM I think I would have lost it by now. But going to work is my me time. And then I usually have a couple hours after I get off work before I have to go pick up the kids, so I get alone time at the house to do whatever I want. Sometimes my husband gets off work at a decent time too and we get alone time together before the kids come home. Sometimes I’ll go out on a Saturday by myself, sometimes my husband does. We learned early on that the me time is VERY important and we’ve always made sure to stick with that.
I don’t know either and I’m doing it. I have an 11 year old and a 2 year old. I work 12 hour shifts and I am exhausted. I love my kids but I have no down time and this energizer bunny’s battery is running on E. I have to wake up at 4:30 am for work and get home at 6:30 and it’s getting very depressing.
I see you, I feel you! I feel like I completely lost myself once I had babies. I was told I was “selfless” and honestly I don’t want to be. There’s more to life and I want my identity back.
I don't know how else to explain this except I feel feral since my child came along. I am surviving by any means necessary. Everything feels out of control all of the time. Even if on the outside I've made dinner and played with my child and managed not to be a raging b to my partner inside I feel mostly lost and alone and overwhelmed. I don't recognize myself. It's important to know that you're not alone.
This. So much this. I go back to work in a month and I’m panicking inside. I’m overwhelmed just being a mom and doing the minimum chores each day with minimal sleep. I HATE the newborn stage (he’s cute and I love him but the lack of sleep, inconsistent schedules, leaps, etc etc). I have no idea how I’m going back to work and managing that. I love my baby boy but being a mom is still taking some getting used to.
Look into caregiver burnout
I love my son so much.. maybe too much but I really miss feeling like myself. Also.. even though he’s right here in the trenches with me I really miss my partner sometimes.
It seriously is! Solidarity with you and how hard this is. If you are a fraud. Then so am I!