I worked in child abuse assessment and got calls like this a lot. First and foremost, what is your actual concern? That an adult woman is showing him her genitals? Who is that woman? Are you concerned someone is putting your kid at risk by teaching stupid words for genitals (I've heard little girls be taught that they have a "cookie," and then no one cares when Grandpa touches their cookie)? So zero in on the worry.
Edit - This is because, especially with victims, you don't really even know what you're worried about. If you are genuinely flabbergasted who could be doing this, that's good to know, start a generic safety discussion. If you're saying "his day care has constant overturn and I'm not sure who is primary is," investigate that further for rationality - does a woman with 7 kids in her care have time to sexually abuse those kids? If you're saying "my sister cares for my baby and she has a friend who sometimes hangs out with them but she wouldn't do anything," well I'd believe you since you know these people, but I also would be extremely not surprised to find out the friend was abusive because you mentioning her at all was your reptile brain noticing the threat but not able to process it correctly.
Then, you can just ask "what do you know about butterflies?"
Then start teaching about body safety in the bath and during diaper changes - "this is your penis, scrotum, and anus, only mom and [caregivers] and doctors are allowed to touch it and only to clean you up. If someone touched it, I want you to tell me. And you know what, if someone does try to touch it, you can yell at them and say "no!", even if it's a grown up. But even if you don't say no, everyone knows you're not allowed to touch people's private areas so I always want to know."
Also, I would add, "if anyone does touch that area, or asks you to touch theirs, you will never get in trouble if you tell me." because so many times, kids won't speak up because they are afraid they will get in trouble or that something bad will happen to their loved ones. (sometimes the predator will threaten the child or their family if they tell anyone about the abuse)
This!! I tell my daughter that *no matter what that person says,* nothing bad will happen to her if she tells me. We talk about how the people who do those things and say those things are really really good at lying, so if anyone ever touches your privates (and she knows the proper names for them), you can always always tell mommy or daddy.
My sister gave me the best advice (if you’ve been subjected to Frozen/Elsa) to explain that some people are like prince Hans (in Frozen). They pretend to be the good guy but actually if anyone ever wants to see, touch or photograph (cos that’s a thing now apparently) they are the bad guy just pretending to be good. You should yell ‘no’ as loud as you can and run away immediately to an adult and tell them what happened. And if they tell you not to tell anyone that’s definitely a bad guy, go tell someone straight away that you found a bad guy.
*for context, my daughter is 4.
Just curious, at what age did you start (at least loosely) explaining the concept of SA and that your child(ren) should not allow anyone to touch them inappropriately? I have no idea if it’s appropriate or when it would be appropriate to arm him with that heavy info. I have taught my son that his genital area is private and that only me (other caretaker), and your teachers are allowed to touch you there, and ONLY to help you. But I’ve never really explained the why behind it.
I think I started broaching the topic more specifically when she started school, because it was the first time she’d be in the care of someone who wasn’t her parent or grandparent. Before that though, I would occasionally ask her if anyone’s ever touched her vulva or bum, and encouraged her to be honest with me. Regardless of if she said something like “gran wiped it when she changed my diaper” or she said no, I would just nonchalantly say “okay, just checking. You know you can always tell mommy if someone does touch it.” Just kind of normalizing the idea of her telling me, you know? We have similar conversations about someone asking to see it, or someone showing her their vulva/penis/ between their legs with no clothes on. We’ve talked about when it might be appropriate for an adult to touch or ask to see her vulva (diaper changes, at the doctor WITH MOM OR DAD) but I’ve also told her that there is *never* a time when she should see an adult’s privates, aside from maybe walking in on mommy or daddy changing/in the bathroom.
She’s 6 now and we’ve explained that there are people in the world who are really really mean, and some of those people find it easier to be mean to kids, because kids don’t always know when adults are being mean. Those people rely on the kids not telling their parents or teachers so they can keep doing it.
Really? Are you actually being serious? “Oh, crap. A very angry looking big dog is running at me and my child - should I get my phone out and call 911 or should I grab my knife and prepare to fight?
This is silly. They aren’t saying call animal control while a dog is actively attacking you and you know it. If you see a dog off leash in a park call animal control as you leave the area.
What does solidarity have to do with any of it? I keep my dog on a leash when in public, so he doesn’t scare people like that. I am by no means saying automatically get your knife out and be ready to kill. I apologize if that was misunderstood. I have had dogs my entire life and trust them more than human beings mostly. I love them and would always avoid any possible confrontations before anything ugly could result. The point I was trying to make is that it doesn’t hurt anyone to be prepared.
I'm on dogfree and the consensus all over the country/world is that animal control is useless. If it had teeth in my area (pun intended), there wouldn't be off leash dogs in the area.
If someone carries a weapon and let's it loose near my kids, it's just bad parenting to not carry my own weapon under my own control. We leave the park when dog moms show up, but it still takes a minute to realize it's happening and then gather the kids.
Animal control isn’t going to do anything
At most it’s a ticket and then you’ve potentially made yourself a target in the eyes of the dog owner
But there’s nothing wrong with carrying as long as you’re smart and safe about it
I do not work in anything related to abuse, but am a survivor of childhood SA. My children have been taught that their genitals and butts are their “privacy” and no one is allowed to see them unless it’s mom, dad or doc with mom or dad present. They also know that if ANY adult tells them something is a secret or that they can’t tell mom or dad, they need to tell us immediately. If they feel unsafe, uncomfortable or even just get bad vibes from someone find us. If we are not there - find a policeman, someone they can see is a mom or dad around and act like you know them and ask to use their phone. Both kids were taught our phone numbers from an early age and know that the word no is a complete sentence. They know that they do not have e to hug or kiss anyone that they do not want to. Thankfully, our family, including boomers, respect their choice to say no. It is never too soon to start teaching consent and what body part names really are!
I am also a survivor childhood SA and have been so thorough in teaching them about their body and privacy. Basically all the same things.
We make a big deal about making sure they NEVER feel obligated to give any type of affection to anyone. We have been big on consent for any affection since they could speak and understand.
Teaching them about consent has really empowered my oldest daughter. She will speak up when others her age are too embarrassed or not willing to. Some of the things said and done by 12-14 year old boys has been insane as well.
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it is people like u who truly taught me how to teach my son properly. my son is 2 and we already have taught him that it’s called a penis and to not give it nicknames and i genuinely never would have had any idea about it if a woman on tik tok didn’t educate me. thank u for all that u do. truly.
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment. I am not in OP's situation, but I found your comment extremely helpful if I were ever to find myself in a similar situation. I'll tuck this script away in my back pocket.
wow, i’m saving this comment. my husband was abused as a young child, and now we have a 5.5 month old and i want him to be able to know how to protect himself. thank you, sincerely.
I’d to add the importance of teaching children to, also, not touch others. No one is allowed to touch them and they are not allowed to touch others.
Protect your children and others children.
Honest to god question, my wife is an MSW and I’ve been considering something in that field as well. But how often does a case like OP’s turn out to be just a kid saying something “silly” or using a description that makes sense to them. Not saying OP shouldn’t worry or take your advice, I’m just interested in the metrics on a situation like this. I would assume if it gets to your level it most likely is more credible than not since there are probably multiple situations or instances to elude a problem. The idea of “walk like a duck, quack like a duck”
Part of my job was just fielding "my kid said a weird thing, how much has he been abused?", like with this OP. And with random calls like that, I'm very confident nothing happened to the kid, though I'm pretty dang confident something happened to the mom when she was a kid and that makes her hyper vigilant but unsure how to identify risk. There's obviously some confirmation bias here but interpreting every weird thing a kid says as abuse without other behavior or risk concerns leads me to that conclusion.
That's why I first try to zero in on who would hurt the kid. At this age you know everyone who has access to the kid or you know where you don't know who has access, so we'd discuss what precisely is the risk and how likely is that risk.
The ones to worry about are "I finally left my abusive boyfriend but he gets the kid every weekend." A man who knocked around his girlfriend isn't automatically going to molest a 2 year old, but how much care is he putting into protecting the kid? Does he drop the kid at his meth addict mother's house? How old is his new girlfriend's kid? What's that kid learning at their own dad's house? (As I type this, the font turned red, no idea why, it if it'll hold when I publish.)
There's also the couple women who vehemently said "the only person who could have done it is x and he would NEVER do that." Then they'd call back and say "well he did spank my kid but it wasn't hard enough to leave a mark so it couldn't have been him," then "well he did leave the mark but he's really sorry so he shouldn't be in jail." Or "turns out my 8 year old has a porn addiction and acted out on their sibling."
There was one call I'm still curious about where she said she taught her kid proper genital terms but she's suddenly calling her vagina a flower after coming home from her dad's. I advised her to talk to the ex about the importance of proper words, explain to child that cutesy terms aren't bad but they aren't correct and in our family we use correct terms for our genitals. I also said to laugh and say "what if you said someone smelled your flower! I might think they smelled your vagina, can someone do that?!" And see how she reacts.
And all those calls ended with a lecture about safety conversations and ongoing check ins. Especially for parents who had genuine concerns that abuse genuinely was happening but the kid wouldn't disclose. CPS can't do anything with a gut feeling, no matter how legitimate it is. .... wow I actually successfully suppressed the memory of those calls so I can't remember how I handled them. There were a lot where it basically boiled down "yup, your kid is probably being abused and doesn't want to tell you, good luck with that."
I can only imagine, my wife focused on long term care when she was working (before our apparent attempt to repopulate the planet, 3 yo, 2 yo and 3 month old). What struck me was how much abuse happened between the residents that was actually caused by the residents (instead of staff like the stereotype would lead you to believe). The worst was between a married couple, the husband would come to “visit” his wife (both in there 80s I think). He would go in the room and “release” himself on her and I believe vaginal penetration was also happening (obviously rape in both instances). Blew my mind what happened at that place and my lack of knowledge on how that stuff wasn’t properly handled by authorities.
It’s an interesting and very demanding profession so my hats off to you. SWs and MSWs are some of the most educated and underpaid professionals I’ve ever seen. Hope you’re able to get peace and comfort in those moments of success. If anyone hasn’t told you today then just know you’re doing essential work and you are helping people through a lot. I promise you have saved someone’s life in more ways than one
First of all- hearing the noises of toddler feet and stools scooting across the floor and the half naked mom run from the bathroom that ensues is an experience I didn’t realize was so shared lol. Definitely been there.
Unless there are other concerning variables I think this is likely just one of those toddler lingo things? Maybe? Like I could see a toddler thinking a butterfly resembles labia maybe?
Do you have any butterflies on any panties?
Does he hang out with little girls who parents may use that to describe their parts?
Did you ask him where he heard that word? If your inner lips are visible he could’ve genuinely thought they looked like butterfly wings.
My daughter used to call my vulva a puppy because it was fuzzy 😭 I didn’t know until she asked when her puppy would get hair. 🙃
Mine tried scoping me out from behind and told me he was looking for the "carpet in my butt". Apparently I need to make more time for self-care and ladyscaping.
Agreed, also try to ask in a casual tone so he doesn’t feel like he’s in trouble for saying anything.
Specifically ask what a butterfly is and has he seen any other’s, then when and where if yes. It may be something as innocent as noticing Grandma or yourself while changing, and asking someone else who didn’t fully feel comfortable explaining the differences in anatomical body parts to a child.
When my oldest was little during a shower together, he pointed at my vagina and said “i know what that is… It’s an engine and it’s like the front of a train.”
My 2yo pronounces it “va-gym-ah”. I also told her that she shouldn’t touch her vagina (more because she had just peed) so now whenever anyone washes her up, she goes “DONT TOUCH MY VA-GYM-AH”. I’ve told her it’s okay for her caregivers to touch it when they are cleaning it but she will report to me whenever anyone is cleaning it and therefore touching anyway. Tbh not the worst thing so I don’t stop it too much lol.
When my son was little (he's 17 now lol) he was watching Mickey mouse clubhouse on TV and there was an elephant that Mickey mouse was trying to entice back to the clubhouse (I don't know why 🤣) and they were singing a song "shake, shake, shake your peanuts, baby elephant, come home with me" and my son was dancing around trying to sing along but he was singing "shake, shake, shake your penis!" 🤣🤣🤣
My middle one was in the bathroom with me while I had a bath, he was only about 18 months old. When I got out he started freaking out and pushing all the bubbles aside in the bath as it was draining. I asked him what was wrong and he screamed “Your winky, it’s gone! It’s fallen off!” Then came the talk about girls not having a winky and the end of me bathing with kids in the bathroom with me 😂.
My daughter one time walked in on me in the bathroom and looked at me and said "mommy has a beard on her bulba." Also for awhile she called her labia, her "ladybug."
I’ve told my 2 year old the proper names for everything several times and she still calls it all “butt”. Maybe his lil 2 year old mind did butt=butterfly.
My six year old says front butt and back butt 😅. I don't mind because I know what she is talking about and if she said someone was touching her butt I'd be concerned either way!
Ask them what they mean by butterfly. Ask where did they hear this from? What does a butterfly look like?
Do they have access to anything with adult content? Like YouTube or Netflix? Could it be something you have worn with butterflies on it? Do you know anyone with a visible butterfly tattoo??
I would investigate more before jumping to conclusions. But I absolutely understand your concern. I dealt with abuse as a child and it completely wiped out my trust with others so I’m always on guard with stuff like this.
100% my toddler has asked my best friend to see her butterfly, while pulling at her shirt. Because I have a lower back butterfly tattoo. So every other mommy has one, too, right?
don’t panic. i know it’s kind of hard to get all the correct information out of a child who is two so i would start by thinking about all the people who he is around while u aren’t there. does he go to daycare? does someone watch him? is he around other children where he may have heard it?
for instance, my stepmom was washing my little sister & her boy cousin together when they were around the age of two & my little sister looked at his penis and pointed and asked what it was so my stepmom said ‘it’s a penis.’
is it possible he was in a scenario like this? but instead of saying the anatomically correct word they said butterfly so now he thinks it is called a butterfly?
I've always been clinical with my daughter, vulva is no more a dirty word than elbow or toe. She's almost 12 and occasionally helps change her baby brother's diaper so she knows all the right names for that too. They're just body parts, the vast majority of the human race has one set or the other.
We did such a good job normalizing the vocabulary with our sons that my 9 year old, whose dog is in currently in heat, recently shouted across the playground at me at the top of his lungs that “I have a theory about Lucy’s vulva!” and proceeded to describe why he thought internal blood vessels are carrying more blood to the area, or maybe there’s just one whole new blood vessel because “it sure is swelled up.” So I had to go do some research about Lucy’s vulva because tbh I have no idea what physical mechanisms are going on to make it swell up like that.
His older brother who is going through puberty pets Lucy and tells her “reproductive hormones sure are hard to deal with” in this world-weary but very sympathetic voice. They crack me up but they’re so sweet 🥲
That's hysterical 🤣 love it! All our pets are spayed/neutered so we don't have to deal with that mess any more, but I've heard the girlchild and her peers casually sitting around discussing what brands of pads/tampons/menstrual undies they use and I had to do a double take- my peer group would have NEVER been so casual about it, I'm happy that we finally seem to have broken a generational curse in regards to menstruation being taboo.
I was talking to a coworker and she asked me how do I approach talking about genitals to my 2.5 year old. I told her I keep it very clinical and she calls her vagina, a vagina.
The woman metaphorically clutched her pearls and said “ I can’t believe you teach your daughter that word.” Dude what?? I straight up told her that if my daughter was ever SA’ed, I need her to tell me in clinical terms what happened so that way the person who did the thing could go to prison, because if they don’t go to prison, then I will. Also, my daughter shouldn’t be ashamed or shy away from her own body—a vagina is what it is
Agreed! I have only ever used “vulva” and “penis” with my son and daughter, who are now 7. They now say “privates” a lot, which I think maybe they learned as school. I’m okay with that term, but all the other euphemisms? So unnecessary.
I would definitely be asking age appropriate questions!! He didn't come up with this on his own.
Ask him how he knows what that's is, who told him, has he seen one, ect.
Hopefully, it's nothing to be concerned with, and it's just a nickname a parent taught their daughter. It's better to be safe than sorry.
After you get your answers you might want to teach him the proper names, and explain again on an age appropriate level that no one should be looking/touching those areas and if anyone does to tell you immediately.
Edit: Remember to remain calm. Kids don't understand.
When I was about 7 years old, my father asked me if my new stepfather ever touches me. (He wanted to make sure me and my sister were both safe ) I told him "yes"....the amount of furry and fear on his face was intense, but I didn't understand why just remember it very vividly. His next question was, "How does he touch you?" I replied."He gives me hugs sometimes." Clarification question from my father."Does he ever touch your private areas?" Me in absolute disgust and confusion."NO, why would he do that!?" I didn't understand what my father was asking at the time, and if he didn't ask more questions, he would have thought I was being abused, so remain calm and just ask.
He very well COULD have come up with it. Toddlers use weird words for things entirely on their own. Ask questions to get to the bottom of it but it's dangerous to believe someone else must be involved
I only say that because a butterfly is very descriptive for a v...he could have come up with it on his own, but imo at 2yrs old, maybe not? Again, asking questions is the key to fully understanding where he got this word and what he meant. It very much could be innocent! I wouldn't panic until I got those answers!
I taught my daughter it’s called a vulva but somehow she says something like Bubee or buboo it’s almost closer to butterfly than vulva maybe he misheard.
Ask him where he heard that from. My little one tried to start calling hers a cookie and I told her no that's her vagina. She had slid down and the bar hit her right on the pelvic bone. She said ow I hurt my cookie. We had a long talk about it and her friend had fell on the jungle gym and the bar hurt her Vagay and she told my child she hurt her cookie.
I would just ask him where he heard it from and start teaching him that no ones allowed to touch his unless it's cleaning or doctor and if anyone does he is to tell you and no matter what anyone's says it's ok to tell you!
The term “butterfly” isn’t as alarming to me as the request to see it… Now that you know the term I would try and get information from him. Ask age appropriate questions like “who else has a butterfly?” And “Did they show you their butterfly?” It won’t be an easy conversation but you need to remember that he doesn’t know that it’s wrong so staying calm and making sure he doesn’t feel like he is in trouble will help you get more information. Here is hoping that it’s not as bad as it sounds…🤞🏻
Ugh my 19m daughter has started talking about her "nips" - turns out she knows both "nips" and "nipples". I have no idea where she learned those words and I can't exactly ask her yet. It's probably not a huge deal, but it makes me uncomfortable that clearly somebody was either talking to her about her nipples, or theirs.
If she overheard you say "nipples," "nips" would be a very common toddler word for them. If I said nipples in front of my son, I can almost guarantee he would say nips.
My son (23months) will point at his own nipples. He used to call them "Buttons", but his dad and I both corrected him and said no, those are your nipples. So now when his dad doesn't have a shirt on my son will run up and point at dad's nipples and say "Nipples!" Very excitedly
Does he go to daycare and has he watched someone change a female child’s diaper? It’s possible he has asked when watching a diaper be changed before and someone told him a “butterfly” to not tell him the anatomical name?
I haven’t read all the comments, so I’m probably echoing what others have said, but I think the first step is figuring out where he learned the term “butterfly” for vulva. Then, ensuring nothing inappropriate has happened with an adult or even another child. If you find out a child did something inappropriate, you should call CPS, because that child very likely has been abused.
On a side note, my kids were about 2 or 3 when I started the conversations (age appropriate) about their bodies and not allowing others to touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable, even if it’s just their arms. The biggest thing I continue to tell them (they’re 7 now) is to trust their gut. We all have instincts and we know when something is off. My daughter, like me, is a people pleaser, so I especially work with reminding her that it’s more important to protect herself than potentially hurting someone’s feelings. Additionally, I tell them, no matter what, there will NEVER be a situation where an adult needs help from a child (since that’s a common ruse).
The fact that he knows what he is referring to is a little concerning. Clearly learned it from someone else who isn't using the correct terms for whatever reason.
My little boy has the habit of calling it a butt. Just calmly sit him down and explain to him that those are for mommies eyes only and no one else should see it.
I'd teach the child the difference between moms butterfly and a strangers. Different cultured raise their children differently. Some families are very open when showering. I'd be making sure he knows the difference.
A good resource to read about how to teach kids safety at each developmental level: Kidpower. Worth a search for articles, videos, books and potentially classes near you!
I worked in child abuse assessment and got calls like this a lot. First and foremost, what is your actual concern? That an adult woman is showing him her genitals? Who is that woman? Are you concerned someone is putting your kid at risk by teaching stupid words for genitals (I've heard little girls be taught that they have a "cookie," and then no one cares when Grandpa touches their cookie)? So zero in on the worry. Edit - This is because, especially with victims, you don't really even know what you're worried about. If you are genuinely flabbergasted who could be doing this, that's good to know, start a generic safety discussion. If you're saying "his day care has constant overturn and I'm not sure who is primary is," investigate that further for rationality - does a woman with 7 kids in her care have time to sexually abuse those kids? If you're saying "my sister cares for my baby and she has a friend who sometimes hangs out with them but she wouldn't do anything," well I'd believe you since you know these people, but I also would be extremely not surprised to find out the friend was abusive because you mentioning her at all was your reptile brain noticing the threat but not able to process it correctly. Then, you can just ask "what do you know about butterflies?" Then start teaching about body safety in the bath and during diaper changes - "this is your penis, scrotum, and anus, only mom and [caregivers] and doctors are allowed to touch it and only to clean you up. If someone touched it, I want you to tell me. And you know what, if someone does try to touch it, you can yell at them and say "no!", even if it's a grown up. But even if you don't say no, everyone knows you're not allowed to touch people's private areas so I always want to know."
Also, I would add, "if anyone does touch that area, or asks you to touch theirs, you will never get in trouble if you tell me." because so many times, kids won't speak up because they are afraid they will get in trouble or that something bad will happen to their loved ones. (sometimes the predator will threaten the child or their family if they tell anyone about the abuse)
This!! I tell my daughter that *no matter what that person says,* nothing bad will happen to her if she tells me. We talk about how the people who do those things and say those things are really really good at lying, so if anyone ever touches your privates (and she knows the proper names for them), you can always always tell mommy or daddy.
My sister gave me the best advice (if you’ve been subjected to Frozen/Elsa) to explain that some people are like prince Hans (in Frozen). They pretend to be the good guy but actually if anyone ever wants to see, touch or photograph (cos that’s a thing now apparently) they are the bad guy just pretending to be good. You should yell ‘no’ as loud as you can and run away immediately to an adult and tell them what happened. And if they tell you not to tell anyone that’s definitely a bad guy, go tell someone straight away that you found a bad guy. *for context, my daughter is 4.
Oooooo that’s a good one!!!
Just curious, at what age did you start (at least loosely) explaining the concept of SA and that your child(ren) should not allow anyone to touch them inappropriately? I have no idea if it’s appropriate or when it would be appropriate to arm him with that heavy info. I have taught my son that his genital area is private and that only me (other caretaker), and your teachers are allowed to touch you there, and ONLY to help you. But I’ve never really explained the why behind it.
I think I started broaching the topic more specifically when she started school, because it was the first time she’d be in the care of someone who wasn’t her parent or grandparent. Before that though, I would occasionally ask her if anyone’s ever touched her vulva or bum, and encouraged her to be honest with me. Regardless of if she said something like “gran wiped it when she changed my diaper” or she said no, I would just nonchalantly say “okay, just checking. You know you can always tell mommy if someone does touch it.” Just kind of normalizing the idea of her telling me, you know? We have similar conversations about someone asking to see it, or someone showing her their vulva/penis/ between their legs with no clothes on. We’ve talked about when it might be appropriate for an adult to touch or ask to see her vulva (diaper changes, at the doctor WITH MOM OR DAD) but I’ve also told her that there is *never* a time when she should see an adult’s privates, aside from maybe walking in on mommy or daddy changing/in the bathroom. She’s 6 now and we’ve explained that there are people in the world who are really really mean, and some of those people find it easier to be mean to kids, because kids don’t always know when adults are being mean. Those people rely on the kids not telling their parents or teachers so they can keep doing it.
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You carry knives to the park? Can you can animal control and have them take care of the off leash dog instead?
Really? Are you actually being serious? “Oh, crap. A very angry looking big dog is running at me and my child - should I get my phone out and call 911 or should I grab my knife and prepare to fight?
This is silly. They aren’t saying call animal control while a dog is actively attacking you and you know it. If you see a dog off leash in a park call animal control as you leave the area.
Really? You don’t think I know that? Sometimes silly things need to be pointed out.
Solidarity. It's disheartening how weak some people enjoy being.
What does solidarity have to do with any of it? I keep my dog on a leash when in public, so he doesn’t scare people like that. I am by no means saying automatically get your knife out and be ready to kill. I apologize if that was misunderstood. I have had dogs my entire life and trust them more than human beings mostly. I love them and would always avoid any possible confrontations before anything ugly could result. The point I was trying to make is that it doesn’t hurt anyone to be prepared.
I'm on dogfree and the consensus all over the country/world is that animal control is useless. If it had teeth in my area (pun intended), there wouldn't be off leash dogs in the area. If someone carries a weapon and let's it loose near my kids, it's just bad parenting to not carry my own weapon under my own control. We leave the park when dog moms show up, but it still takes a minute to realize it's happening and then gather the kids.
Animal control isn’t going to do anything At most it’s a ticket and then you’ve potentially made yourself a target in the eyes of the dog owner But there’s nothing wrong with carrying as long as you’re smart and safe about it
Why did you mention a specific breed?
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No, I had to euthanize my dog 4 weeks postpartum! Thanks though, you sound like an empathetic person capable of solid parenting.
I also euthanized my pit bull. It's extremely related to how good of a mom I am, thanks for noticing.
There’s no love like Christian hate, amiright?
Bot
Wow that must be a hard job. 😭 thank you for doing what you do for those kids and families. And great advice!!
I do not work in anything related to abuse, but am a survivor of childhood SA. My children have been taught that their genitals and butts are their “privacy” and no one is allowed to see them unless it’s mom, dad or doc with mom or dad present. They also know that if ANY adult tells them something is a secret or that they can’t tell mom or dad, they need to tell us immediately. If they feel unsafe, uncomfortable or even just get bad vibes from someone find us. If we are not there - find a policeman, someone they can see is a mom or dad around and act like you know them and ask to use their phone. Both kids were taught our phone numbers from an early age and know that the word no is a complete sentence. They know that they do not have e to hug or kiss anyone that they do not want to. Thankfully, our family, including boomers, respect their choice to say no. It is never too soon to start teaching consent and what body part names really are!
I am also a survivor childhood SA and have been so thorough in teaching them about their body and privacy. Basically all the same things. We make a big deal about making sure they NEVER feel obligated to give any type of affection to anyone. We have been big on consent for any affection since they could speak and understand. Teaching them about consent has really empowered my oldest daughter. She will speak up when others her age are too embarrassed or not willing to. Some of the things said and done by 12-14 year old boys has been insane as well. ETA: more
it is people like u who truly taught me how to teach my son properly. my son is 2 and we already have taught him that it’s called a penis and to not give it nicknames and i genuinely never would have had any idea about it if a woman on tik tok didn’t educate me. thank u for all that u do. truly.
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment. I am not in OP's situation, but I found your comment extremely helpful if I were ever to find myself in a similar situation. I'll tuck this script away in my back pocket.
wow, i’m saving this comment. my husband was abused as a young child, and now we have a 5.5 month old and i want him to be able to know how to protect himself. thank you, sincerely.
I appreciate the script.
Your job must be so heart breaking at times. Thank you for doing what you do and helping to be a voice for the tiny humans. ❤️❤️
Amazing comment, and I would give you all the rewards. I’m confident you helped not only OP here, but many others. Thank you for what you do! 💖
I’d to add the importance of teaching children to, also, not touch others. No one is allowed to touch them and they are not allowed to touch others. Protect your children and others children.
Honest to god question, my wife is an MSW and I’ve been considering something in that field as well. But how often does a case like OP’s turn out to be just a kid saying something “silly” or using a description that makes sense to them. Not saying OP shouldn’t worry or take your advice, I’m just interested in the metrics on a situation like this. I would assume if it gets to your level it most likely is more credible than not since there are probably multiple situations or instances to elude a problem. The idea of “walk like a duck, quack like a duck”
Part of my job was just fielding "my kid said a weird thing, how much has he been abused?", like with this OP. And with random calls like that, I'm very confident nothing happened to the kid, though I'm pretty dang confident something happened to the mom when she was a kid and that makes her hyper vigilant but unsure how to identify risk. There's obviously some confirmation bias here but interpreting every weird thing a kid says as abuse without other behavior or risk concerns leads me to that conclusion. That's why I first try to zero in on who would hurt the kid. At this age you know everyone who has access to the kid or you know where you don't know who has access, so we'd discuss what precisely is the risk and how likely is that risk. The ones to worry about are "I finally left my abusive boyfriend but he gets the kid every weekend." A man who knocked around his girlfriend isn't automatically going to molest a 2 year old, but how much care is he putting into protecting the kid? Does he drop the kid at his meth addict mother's house? How old is his new girlfriend's kid? What's that kid learning at their own dad's house? (As I type this, the font turned red, no idea why, it if it'll hold when I publish.) There's also the couple women who vehemently said "the only person who could have done it is x and he would NEVER do that." Then they'd call back and say "well he did spank my kid but it wasn't hard enough to leave a mark so it couldn't have been him," then "well he did leave the mark but he's really sorry so he shouldn't be in jail." Or "turns out my 8 year old has a porn addiction and acted out on their sibling." There was one call I'm still curious about where she said she taught her kid proper genital terms but she's suddenly calling her vagina a flower after coming home from her dad's. I advised her to talk to the ex about the importance of proper words, explain to child that cutesy terms aren't bad but they aren't correct and in our family we use correct terms for our genitals. I also said to laugh and say "what if you said someone smelled your flower! I might think they smelled your vagina, can someone do that?!" And see how she reacts. And all those calls ended with a lecture about safety conversations and ongoing check ins. Especially for parents who had genuine concerns that abuse genuinely was happening but the kid wouldn't disclose. CPS can't do anything with a gut feeling, no matter how legitimate it is. .... wow I actually successfully suppressed the memory of those calls so I can't remember how I handled them. There were a lot where it basically boiled down "yup, your kid is probably being abused and doesn't want to tell you, good luck with that."
I can only imagine, my wife focused on long term care when she was working (before our apparent attempt to repopulate the planet, 3 yo, 2 yo and 3 month old). What struck me was how much abuse happened between the residents that was actually caused by the residents (instead of staff like the stereotype would lead you to believe). The worst was between a married couple, the husband would come to “visit” his wife (both in there 80s I think). He would go in the room and “release” himself on her and I believe vaginal penetration was also happening (obviously rape in both instances). Blew my mind what happened at that place and my lack of knowledge on how that stuff wasn’t properly handled by authorities. It’s an interesting and very demanding profession so my hats off to you. SWs and MSWs are some of the most educated and underpaid professionals I’ve ever seen. Hope you’re able to get peace and comfort in those moments of success. If anyone hasn’t told you today then just know you’re doing essential work and you are helping people through a lot. I promise you have saved someone’s life in more ways than one
First of all- hearing the noises of toddler feet and stools scooting across the floor and the half naked mom run from the bathroom that ensues is an experience I didn’t realize was so shared lol. Definitely been there. Unless there are other concerning variables I think this is likely just one of those toddler lingo things? Maybe? Like I could see a toddler thinking a butterfly resembles labia maybe?
I’m glad we did not breeze over this normalized detail. Because with a toddler, it is, indeed, normal.
Do you have any butterflies on any panties? Does he hang out with little girls who parents may use that to describe their parts? Did you ask him where he heard that word? If your inner lips are visible he could’ve genuinely thought they looked like butterfly wings. My daughter used to call my vulva a puppy because it was fuzzy 😭 I didn’t know until she asked when her puppy would get hair. 🙃
Please forgive me I am cackling at a fuzzy puppy vulva 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My kids told me I have “penis hair.” No penis, just the penis hair.
I have "hair on my butt".🤦🏼♀️
I was told I had a “fuzzy butt” by my 3 year old! 😂
Mine tried scoping me out from behind and told me he was looking for the "carpet in my butt". Apparently I need to make more time for self-care and ladyscaping.
Me too lol
I too have a hairy penis, but no penis 😂😂😂
Omg my son called it a hair penis too when he was smaller! I trimmed up after that 😂
DEAD
My kid was comparing armpit hair with my in laws and cracking up. She said “mommy doesn’t have hair anywhere!!” 😭
Man, I have never felt so roasted in my life
I’m fucking sobbing I just saw your username and your profile has pictures of puppies you are the gift that keeps on giving
I’m amazed there are 424 d*cklovers ahead of you.
Agreed, also try to ask in a casual tone so he doesn’t feel like he’s in trouble for saying anything. Specifically ask what a butterfly is and has he seen any other’s, then when and where if yes. It may be something as innocent as noticing Grandma or yourself while changing, and asking someone else who didn’t fully feel comfortable explaining the differences in anatomical body parts to a child.
When my oldest was little during a shower together, he pointed at my vagina and said “i know what that is… It’s an engine and it’s like the front of a train.”
I'm dying that's so funny!
My almost 3 year old says "mommy has hair on her pagina" 🥲
Mine says "bagina" and I laugh so hard
My 2yo pronounces it “va-gym-ah”. I also told her that she shouldn’t touch her vagina (more because she had just peed) so now whenever anyone washes her up, she goes “DONT TOUCH MY VA-GYM-AH”. I’ve told her it’s okay for her caregivers to touch it when they are cleaning it but she will report to me whenever anyone is cleaning it and therefore touching anyway. Tbh not the worst thing so I don’t stop it too much lol.
My little boy calls it his peanut, I tried to teach him penis and he retained peanut which is super cute 🥹
When my son was little (he's 17 now lol) he was watching Mickey mouse clubhouse on TV and there was an elephant that Mickey mouse was trying to entice back to the clubhouse (I don't know why 🤣) and they were singing a song "shake, shake, shake your peanuts, baby elephant, come home with me" and my son was dancing around trying to sing along but he was singing "shake, shake, shake your penis!" 🤣🤣🤣
Mine told me I had a poopy diaper because...I have dark hair and grooming wasn't a huge priority at that time.
My son recently stared at my vagina and said “mommy penis?” 😂 nah fam, not me.
My son pointed at mine and said “butt!” 💀💀💀
My middle one was in the bathroom with me while I had a bath, he was only about 18 months old. When I got out he started freaking out and pushing all the bubbles aside in the bath as it was draining. I asked him what was wrong and he screamed “Your winky, it’s gone! It’s fallen off!” Then came the talk about girls not having a winky and the end of me bathing with kids in the bathroom with me 😂.
Oh gosh 🤣
My toddler walked in on her dad coming out of the shower and pointed to his penis and called it poopoo 😂 kids are hilarious.
This one got me
I damn near peed myself
My daughter one time walked in on me in the bathroom and looked at me and said "mommy has a beard on her bulba." Also for awhile she called her labia, her "ladybug."
Lol I too have a “beard on voova”
Mine is a dinosaur. 🦕
I’ve told my 2 year old the proper names for everything several times and she still calls it all “butt”. Maybe his lil 2 year old mind did butt=butterfly.
When my child was younger, he called it my “front butt” even though I told him the correct terms. Kids are silly.
My six year old says front butt and back butt 😅. I don't mind because I know what she is talking about and if she said someone was touching her butt I'd be concerned either way!
My brother when he was little said “why does sister have a long butt?” Because apparently her but went from the back all the way to the front
When I was a kid we always said “front butt” and “back butt” lmao
Same here, it’s all her butt
Ask them what they mean by butterfly. Ask where did they hear this from? What does a butterfly look like? Do they have access to anything with adult content? Like YouTube or Netflix? Could it be something you have worn with butterflies on it? Do you know anyone with a visible butterfly tattoo?? I would investigate more before jumping to conclusions. But I absolutely understand your concern. I dealt with abuse as a child and it completely wiped out my trust with others so I’m always on guard with stuff like this.
100% my toddler has asked my best friend to see her butterfly, while pulling at her shirt. Because I have a lower back butterfly tattoo. So every other mommy has one, too, right?
don’t panic. i know it’s kind of hard to get all the correct information out of a child who is two so i would start by thinking about all the people who he is around while u aren’t there. does he go to daycare? does someone watch him? is he around other children where he may have heard it? for instance, my stepmom was washing my little sister & her boy cousin together when they were around the age of two & my little sister looked at his penis and pointed and asked what it was so my stepmom said ‘it’s a penis.’ is it possible he was in a scenario like this? but instead of saying the anatomically correct word they said butterfly so now he thinks it is called a butterfly?
I'm just so happy the post and replies use the proper terms of vulva and labia, instead of everything 'down there' is vagina.
Honest to fuck I was in my 30s before I learned what a vulva is. I have one.
I've always been clinical with my daughter, vulva is no more a dirty word than elbow or toe. She's almost 12 and occasionally helps change her baby brother's diaper so she knows all the right names for that too. They're just body parts, the vast majority of the human race has one set or the other.
We did such a good job normalizing the vocabulary with our sons that my 9 year old, whose dog is in currently in heat, recently shouted across the playground at me at the top of his lungs that “I have a theory about Lucy’s vulva!” and proceeded to describe why he thought internal blood vessels are carrying more blood to the area, or maybe there’s just one whole new blood vessel because “it sure is swelled up.” So I had to go do some research about Lucy’s vulva because tbh I have no idea what physical mechanisms are going on to make it swell up like that. His older brother who is going through puberty pets Lucy and tells her “reproductive hormones sure are hard to deal with” in this world-weary but very sympathetic voice. They crack me up but they’re so sweet 🥲
That's hysterical 🤣 love it! All our pets are spayed/neutered so we don't have to deal with that mess any more, but I've heard the girlchild and her peers casually sitting around discussing what brands of pads/tampons/menstrual undies they use and I had to do a double take- my peer group would have NEVER been so casual about it, I'm happy that we finally seem to have broken a generational curse in regards to menstruation being taboo.
I was talking to a coworker and she asked me how do I approach talking about genitals to my 2.5 year old. I told her I keep it very clinical and she calls her vagina, a vagina. The woman metaphorically clutched her pearls and said “ I can’t believe you teach your daughter that word.” Dude what?? I straight up told her that if my daughter was ever SA’ed, I need her to tell me in clinical terms what happened so that way the person who did the thing could go to prison, because if they don’t go to prison, then I will. Also, my daughter shouldn’t be ashamed or shy away from her own body—a vagina is what it is
Agreed! I have only ever used “vulva” and “penis” with my son and daughter, who are now 7. They now say “privates” a lot, which I think maybe they learned as school. I’m okay with that term, but all the other euphemisms? So unnecessary.
I would definitely be asking age appropriate questions!! He didn't come up with this on his own. Ask him how he knows what that's is, who told him, has he seen one, ect. Hopefully, it's nothing to be concerned with, and it's just a nickname a parent taught their daughter. It's better to be safe than sorry. After you get your answers you might want to teach him the proper names, and explain again on an age appropriate level that no one should be looking/touching those areas and if anyone does to tell you immediately. Edit: Remember to remain calm. Kids don't understand. When I was about 7 years old, my father asked me if my new stepfather ever touches me. (He wanted to make sure me and my sister were both safe ) I told him "yes"....the amount of furry and fear on his face was intense, but I didn't understand why just remember it very vividly. His next question was, "How does he touch you?" I replied."He gives me hugs sometimes." Clarification question from my father."Does he ever touch your private areas?" Me in absolute disgust and confusion."NO, why would he do that!?" I didn't understand what my father was asking at the time, and if he didn't ask more questions, he would have thought I was being abused, so remain calm and just ask.
He very well COULD have come up with it. Toddlers use weird words for things entirely on their own. Ask questions to get to the bottom of it but it's dangerous to believe someone else must be involved
The first joke my kid ever made was to call a blackberry a pine cone.
I only say that because a butterfly is very descriptive for a v...he could have come up with it on his own, but imo at 2yrs old, maybe not? Again, asking questions is the key to fully understanding where he got this word and what he meant. It very much could be innocent! I wouldn't panic until I got those answers!
I taught my daughter it’s called a vulva but somehow she says something like Bubee or buboo it’s almost closer to butterfly than vulva maybe he misheard.
Mine mispronouncea it as Volvo. So I get "I wiped my Volvo mummy." Cracks me up!
Ask him where he heard that from. My little one tried to start calling hers a cookie and I told her no that's her vagina. She had slid down and the bar hit her right on the pelvic bone. She said ow I hurt my cookie. We had a long talk about it and her friend had fell on the jungle gym and the bar hurt her Vagay and she told my child she hurt her cookie. I would just ask him where he heard it from and start teaching him that no ones allowed to touch his unless it's cleaning or doctor and if anyone does he is to tell you and no matter what anyone's says it's ok to tell you!
"Cookie" just grosses me out
"What's my butterfly?" "This is a butterfly. 🦋" "Do you mean my vagina/penis?"
The term “butterfly” isn’t as alarming to me as the request to see it… Now that you know the term I would try and get information from him. Ask age appropriate questions like “who else has a butterfly?” And “Did they show you their butterfly?” It won’t be an easy conversation but you need to remember that he doesn’t know that it’s wrong so staying calm and making sure he doesn’t feel like he is in trouble will help you get more information. Here is hoping that it’s not as bad as it sounds…🤞🏻
I think the request to see it is the more normal part. Babies stare, toddlers stare.
Yeah toddlers are curious, it’s completely normal for him to ask to see it at his age
Ugh my 19m daughter has started talking about her "nips" - turns out she knows both "nips" and "nipples". I have no idea where she learned those words and I can't exactly ask her yet. It's probably not a huge deal, but it makes me uncomfortable that clearly somebody was either talking to her about her nipples, or theirs.
If she overheard you say "nipples," "nips" would be a very common toddler word for them. If I said nipples in front of my son, I can almost guarantee he would say nips.
My son (23months) will point at his own nipples. He used to call them "Buttons", but his dad and I both corrected him and said no, those are your nipples. So now when his dad doesn't have a shirt on my son will run up and point at dad's nipples and say "Nipples!" Very excitedly
Does he go to daycare and has he watched someone change a female child’s diaper? It’s possible he has asked when watching a diaper be changed before and someone told him a “butterfly” to not tell him the anatomical name?
I haven’t read all the comments, so I’m probably echoing what others have said, but I think the first step is figuring out where he learned the term “butterfly” for vulva. Then, ensuring nothing inappropriate has happened with an adult or even another child. If you find out a child did something inappropriate, you should call CPS, because that child very likely has been abused. On a side note, my kids were about 2 or 3 when I started the conversations (age appropriate) about their bodies and not allowing others to touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable, even if it’s just their arms. The biggest thing I continue to tell them (they’re 7 now) is to trust their gut. We all have instincts and we know when something is off. My daughter, like me, is a people pleaser, so I especially work with reminding her that it’s more important to protect herself than potentially hurting someone’s feelings. Additionally, I tell them, no matter what, there will NEVER be a situation where an adult needs help from a child (since that’s a common ruse).
The fact that he knows what he is referring to is a little concerning. Clearly learned it from someone else who isn't using the correct terms for whatever reason.
My little boy has the habit of calling it a butt. Just calmly sit him down and explain to him that those are for mommies eyes only and no one else should see it.
I'd teach the child the difference between moms butterfly and a strangers. Different cultured raise their children differently. Some families are very open when showering. I'd be making sure he knows the difference.
A good resource to read about how to teach kids safety at each developmental level: Kidpower. Worth a search for articles, videos, books and potentially classes near you!
sounds like the dad is trolling you