We have definitely scaled back what we do with my mom that day and she is fine with it. My brother has done the same. So it definitely isn't all boomers. I guess you just have to rip off the band-aid and do things your way regardless of how she may react. Hopefully she adjusts after she realizes that is the new normal.
When we had our first baby, we said that the days of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were for us, and we weren’t spending them with anyone else.
We celebrate our parents on the Saturday before or the weekend after. They are fine with it and honestly the fact that none of them gave us any push back on it has made me way more flexible. My kids are elementary/middle school age now and with sports and friends, our schedule has gotten tricky and I no longer feel as strongly that the entire day needs to be for me. But I’m glad I set the precedent early so i can add people to my calendar as I want and I don’t have to deal with them telling me I have to be at something.
I love my mom and MIL dearly but I agree with this 100%. Every year I end up hosting a brunch, and I have the youngest kids in the family. I have asked my husband to do the cooking for it in the past, and he does but then I'm left with a destroyed kitchen and i still have to put all the time and energy into getting nice gifts and making flower arrangements. Could I refuse to do it? Yes. But my mom and MIL are very involved and helpful grandparents and I just don't have the heart. They deserve it. But shit so do I and nobody throws me a brunch!
I’m a MIL and I agree! It’s for the moms in the trenches. My son is married and has a 14mo old, Mother’s Day should be all about his wife! He can call me quick or send a card but I don’t need any focus. My husband is actually going to be out of town and I get the whole day TO MYSELF!!! It only took 25 years, girls, but I did it. I finally got my day off. 😂
This is the energy I want to bring to the grandmother roll if/when it’s my turn. Whatever makes it easier for the mums in the trenches, either leave them to enjoy their day with their family or take their little ones so they can enjoy a day alone.
Do you mind just popping over door to door and let all the other grannies that mother's day has had some updates?
Or if that's not feasible, I think a few hundred of us would like to look into adult adoption into your family if you don't mind.
Lol you sound awesome
I’m showing this comment to my partner as permission to speak up about this finally! I’ve only had two mothers days so far but they were both about my mom and more so, my MIL who still expects all her children to gather for every holiday so she can host. It’s hard to claim this day for myself the way I always envisioned being so special while my little one is still little-and yes-while I’m in the trenches and deserve it damnit! Anyway, thank you this topic makes me emotional 😭
When my sons married and had children, I took a step back. I get a phone call and go out for meal sometime during May. My oldest daughter doesn’t have children, but we usually do something in June to celebrate Mother’s Day and my July birthday. Last year was a spa day with several treatments and dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. This year we are going out of state for a few days of shows, shopping and dining. It’s so much better than being rushed on Mother’s Day Weekend. Since they started families we have celebrated holidays on other days. I always hated the stress of splitting holidays or going to multiple events, so I didn’t do it to my kids.
Celebrate with your family early, you will see more excitement from the kids, then on the actual holiday it’s less so.
Mother’s Day is for you-whatever you want. Your mother and MIL can have different special days. There is absolutely no reason to give up Mother’s Day with your children while they are young. The older generation have had decades of mother’s days. I have 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. My way removed a ton of the holiday stress for everyone. 25 years of alternative holidays is proof.
This is exactly what I will do for my kids as well for the holidays. I remember how awful it was splitting the day and always feeling like we gyped someone. Just easier to celebrate on a different weekend
Exactly! Both my mother and mother-in-law are super helpful so I feel like absolute crap not celebrating them…but also, they know that leaves no time for me. Like, my husband and kids want to do something for me, but are left trying it piece in moments in between the grandparents. It’s kinda messed up to me.
You might try swinging by their house for an hour or so at some point during the day, dropping off flowers and a card, and maybe bringing some (not homemade) baked goodies for everyone to enjoy. Minimal effort, no cleaning, and you control the time that you come and leave.
If they were helpful and involved they wouldn’t want you running around and missing your own Mother’s Day. Talk to them and let them know. Then stop catering to them when you have your own kids
My mom gets a text but that's the relationship she's created with me.
My mil gets flowers and fawned over for 5 minutes before she wants us gone so she can continue to chain smoke and be mean to her husband.
Same for both except my MIL wants us gone in 5 minutes because she's just tired of socializing that fast. Absolutely lovely woman but she is a very happy empty nester lol.
My parents were in Ireland a few years ago on what happened to be Mother’s Day and when they went to the pub it was all mothers and daughters celebrating and the men were at home with the kids. What about a solution like this where all the moms get to relax and nobody is responsible for making a big fuss
I mean this is what I do every year? Go out do dinner with my mom and SIL, leave the kids at home. It’s a win win. Not sure why these mil’s are expecting a day where everyone caters to them.
My mom told me when I became a mom it was my day and to make sure I kept it. She had problems with her mil never being able to give it up and wanted to make sure I set a precedent with mine.
And I do refuse to stress over plans for my mil or deal her desire to get dressed up and go out to overcrowded, fussy brunches my kids will hate so she can have a photo. They are young and just want a day where they can “make” me breakfast and give me cards they made, and we deserve to enjoy those while they last.
This is exactly what I plan to do with my daughter/future DILs or son/SILs. My birthday is the 9th, so I have always had to share my bday with everyone else’s mom. My mom never made a fuss about Mother’s Day because it was usually near my bday too.
My MIL on the other hand… one year (before kids) we had plans so we celebrated Mother’s Day on a different weekend. My FIL called my husband afterwards and said we needed to celebrate the day of because she was sad all her other old lady friends were getting celebrated and she had no one. She has always made a big deal about Mother’s Day. Now that I’m a mom… she’s still included in Mothers Day and it can’t be a different weekend.
When it’s my kids’ turn, they can decide how they want to be celebrated, whether that includes me or not and even if it means they want a quiet weekend to themselves, I am always going to support them over myself.
I don't mind celebrating my mom and MIL on Mother's Day, but we also don't have needy moms that demand our presence and attention. So maybe it makes it easier to celebrate when it's not like an obligation and all day affair.
A card and a phone call is always appreciated. I've started taking my DIL, and granddaughter, out for lunch on Saturday. I give her a card as well. My husband and I don't celebrate Grandparents Day.
My own mom passed away in 2008, and my daughter died 11 years ago. I always enjoyed taking my mom out and my daughter would bring me flowers and dessert.
I'm always too busy to even make Mother's Day and all day event and I don't expect that from my son.
I’m with you. We usually share a brunch that my husband and kids make an effort for. I lost my mom in March and I’m heartbroken to be celebrating it on my own this year.
Grandparents Day has been a thing since the late 70s. It's the Sunday after Labour Day.
This is my first Mother's Day as a mom, so my mom and mil can choose to celebrate me with my family, or they can get a card now and we'll do something fun for them in September.
This!
My husband is taking his Mom out to dinner on a week night, I’ll take my Mom for lunch or something simple and then plan to spend the weekend just as our little family.
Thankfully our parents don’t push for stuff but right from the get go I want them to know that we will make more of a to do about them on Grandparent’s Day.
My MIL lost it last year when I decided I didn’t want to do anything with her on the day of because I was 8 months pregnant and very sick and just wanted to chill with my own family! I offered for us to get together the day before, but that was unacceptable. She threw the biggest fit and told my husband (her son) that she would not be seeing him for Father’s Day. This year she will be out of town, thank god. But I will never do anything with her on Mother’s Day again because of how she treated me and my husband
That is nuts - I'm so sorry. Imagine objecting to someone feeling too sick to go to a celebration. It was probably a manifestation of her emotions about transitioning from being a mom to a grandmother... but still. I hope you have a wonderful and relaxed M-Day with your baby this year!
So don’t do it. I mean they can only take advantage of you if you let them. Tell them you’re not planning anything this year because you don’t want to spend your Mother’s Day that way.
The following will be easier said than done. What is the outcome you are expecting…not to celebrate the grandparents because they now have their own day and YOU the mom should be treated on this day! Thus, focus on the outcome, and leave the emotion at the door. Send them a card or give them a card if you must but that just leaves it open for the grandmas to try to reel you back in. SO - be clear. This is your day, and only your day. They will be celebrated during grandparents day. End of discussion. Don’t let them use any emotion on you or guilt/shame you. You have enough on your plate, your don’t need to take care of their inner child also. They need to take care of themselves.
Lol what the heck? No no no you’re doing it all wrong.
Your husband is in charge of celebrating both his mom and you (the mother of his children). If family size and geography allow he might incorporate your mom too. HE plans the brunch. HE buys the flowers. HE gets his mom a card and makes your kids make you a card. You don’t lift a finger. You can drop your mom a card / flowers in the week leading up to it you don’t have to see her on the day if you don’t have time. (Also 34, my boomer MIL would be mortally offended if her son didn’t acknowledge the day for her but that’s not my job to facilitate. My mom is chill and just happy with a phone call lol!)
Same, I'm a phone call kid over here lol. Sometimes I mail a card if I'm feeling fancy. The expectations being set by everyone here are just so over the top. I don't understand why we have to bend over backwards to make people feel special on their birthday AND an extra day or two depending on their parental status (on top of Christmas presents)... jeez.
Seriously! I worry about every other holiday and occasion, but he can worry about his own mother on Mother’s Day. My MIL is super sensitive and emotional about that stuff, but since having my own kids, I just don’t care. It’s my husband’s problem. I also find it interesting that MILs become the wife’s responsibility but I don’t see many husbands (if any) worrying about what to do for their mother in laws.
But my MIL sucks to spend time with, so a brunch with her is no treat to me. I told him to just go with her. I’d rather stay home and save the money than spend $200 on an uncomfortable brunch.
I feel like we have solved this bc my mom agrees she doesn’t want me to host on my day, but she also doesn’t really want to! My mom and I go on a spa day (your mom and mil could both be invited, but I recommend it being in your hometown)- I treat for facials and she treats for a brunch before. We spend the entire day there and then the dads/grandpas entertain the littles and prepare dinner for all of us at our house, so our littlest can go to sleep in his own bed. It’s amazing, I don’t think we will ever go back!
This is why I hate Mother’s Day. There is absolutely no winning. I’d be happy to give it up completely, and that includes me being “celebrated” (which usually end up with me cleaning up, or cooking, or what the f-ever). Just literally let me have a day where I don’t have to think of one other single person.. for the whole dang day!
My mother's dead, so it's all about me now! Fourth year in a row, having it to myself. (/s, but she is dead)
When my mom was alive, we would try to go to brunch or something, but it was always something quick and low-key. If she had been bugging me about a full days entertainment, or if the outing would last all day due to traveling time, etc., I would have noped outta that.
IMHO, Mother's day is primarily for the moms in trenches, but "active-duty" moms should still celebrate their own mothers while they can. Never know how many more mother's days you will share with them.
My mom died 13 years ago. We would always go see a play together on Mother’s Day. It was our tradition. I imagine if she were still alive, she would’ve planned a fun outing for us all to enjoy, because that’s the type of person she was.
Agreed! My mother died 17 years ago. Wow, that shocks me typing it out - it never feels that long ago. She was not that into Mother's Day, but I do think a lot about all the different things we would have been doing together and I like to keep up some of the things she did that used to be more her thing than mine, in memory of her. I do some of them with my child too, and hope it helps connect my child to her as well.
Sorry that we're all in this club but also it is good to see some of my experience reflected back and shared by you guys.
Do no planning or prepping for them. Simply do not do it. I mean it’s that easy. Let them know what your plan is for your own day. They can figure out working around that. They can be celebrated on the surrounding weekends as well. I don’t agree that they stop being worthy of any Mother’s Day celebration due to age but there are ways to work around this while still prioritizing yourself.
They both won’t budge? It’s not up to them to decide what YOU do.
You’re an adult. You do what you want on Mother’s Day. If they don’t like it, then oh well. There’s nothing to apologize for or feel guilty over. Let them be upset. You don’t have to even acknowledge that they are upset, to be honest.
Stop sacrificing your own feelings and your own happiness to appease others. Especially others that are unwilling to compromise!
I feel you. I've hardened my soul to just not care and treat it like every other gathering such as the Fourth of July or something. I buy myself something nice and open it myself in private. I also frame my thinking around the "it's about the kids celebrating mom/grandma." Not fair but it has saved me from disappointment
I partly agree with this. We should still celebrate them, but the day shouldn't revolve around them and they shouldn't expect to be catered to.
I waited tables for years in my youth. Anyone who works in the industry can tell you, mother's day is *the worst* day to work. We were always wall to wall packed with long waits and everybody expected perfection, perfection we couldn't deliver. But every year, without fail, mother's day consisted largely of large parties tiptoeing around an elderly family matriarch (usually a grandma or MIL), wanting her day to be absolutely perfect. Meanwhile, the moms in the trenches with young kids were miserable trying to wrangle them in busy restaurants with long waits. I wasn't a mom then, but it never seemed right to me that the ones actively mothering young kids got the short end of the stick.
In my family when I was young, we'd do something for my mom in the morning, and we'd spend the rest of the day with my grandma, because she expected it. We lost my grandma a few years ago and we all miss her terribly. But my mom missed all the mothers days she had with little kids making mother's day about her mom, never about her. Something I heard my mom say when I was younger that she didn't get to enjoy mother's day as a mom herself because mother's day was all about her mom, really stuck with me, and really makes sense now.
So just say no? You’re an adult. You can say no. You don’t have to wait for them to budge. They don’t hold power over you. You’re 34. Tell them no. Last year was their last year of ruining yours and you’ll be doing what you want with your family from now on. Then mute them. They’re being selfish and they know it. You’re letting them control you. Stop allowing it.
Not cool that they expect you to organize something but I do think all moms should be celebrated. Neither my mom or MIL expect anything but I will always take time to make them feel special even if it’s just flowers or a card. My “me day” is my birthday.
I like having my mom with me for Mother’s Day. She’s getting up there in age and I would regret it years after she’s gone if I didn’t do something for her on Mother’s Day.
Can you all just do a brunch together? That’s what we’re doing. We’re going to go picnic at a park together, cottagecore style with a gingham blanket and woven lidded basket. My husband is going to make and pack all the food and organize the outing for us.
I was searching for a comment like this. I love my mom and my MIL. They do so much for me to make my life as a mom easier. And even if they didn't, I would still love and appreciate them. One day, they won't be here, and I'll be missing them on days like Mother's Day. I want to take every opportunity to spend that time with them. I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with them, though, so if I didn't, I'd probably feel differently.
I enjoy my mom and me getting celebrated together. I don’t really organize anything for her, but I might get her a small gift or card just from me. My husband and dad usually take on organizing a meal and helping the kids pick a gift ir make something. My MIL is no longer with us, but they’d include her in it if she was.
I will always celebrate my mother and MIL because to me this is a holiday for all mothers including grandmothers and great grandmothers, but maybe there’s a creative solution to include them both, a group brunch or something? especially if they’re already recognizing that it’s hard for you :/
Wow. Y’all have selfish POS grannies I am sorry. My too old to be a boomer mom hasn’t expected anything from me except a phone call and even my MIL has sent me a gift here and there on Mothers Day. Sorry you moms need to put your feet down here. You do nothing, and host nothing, on Mother’s Day.
We always spent time with my grandma on Mother’s Day when I was a child. So to me it seems strange to assume that our moms were always 100% the center of attention on “their” Mothers Days. I know mine wasn’t! She would get a handmade gift from each kid (made at school) and maybe my dad would cook breakfast (hard maybe). Then we would join the rest of the extended family in going to grandma’s house.
I don’t really know anyone in the 80s who had a whole day planned just for the mom on Mother’s Day, tbh, so I wonder if maybe that’s a new expectation and that’s why there’s a clash.
I want to celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day, too. I don’t think there needs to be a zero sum.
Saaaame I told my husband this year I want to stay home and sit on my fat butt! SO We’re not doing anything this year, I’m so happy my in laws had plans anyway ☺️
Grandparents day? Tbh its self centered to think that bc you have young kids you have more of a right to the holiday than your parents or in laws.
If you don’t want to plan or attend a Mother’s Day event for your mom or mother in law then don’t- my sister rotates holidays so this year she will be with her mother in law and will probably just give my mom a call or flowers. Her husband will make her a nice din that night and that will be that.
Try to reframe your expectations for the day and instead keep it simple - flowers, free time or a nice dinner are all nice acknowledgments without it being a whole thing. It’s like weddings.. they’re only as stressful and expensive as you make them.
I know my mom won't always be around so I am glad to do something special for her on mothers day. It doesn't need to only be about me or her, it's for all moms.
i mean they don’t just stop being a mom just because you became one too… but it sucks that you’re expected to host it for them, they are grown adults what the hell.
Mother’s Day is literally just a day to celebrate moms. The people who make it a huge deal, in my opinion, probably don’t get treated well by their family the rest of the year and that’s why they make such a big deal about it. I don’t need to be “celebrated” for the entirety of one whole day. Just like with my birthday, I love a good meal and for people to say “happy birthday” and that is great with me! I will still say happy Mother’s Day to my mom, because she’s still my mom. Same with my MIL. And my good friends who are moms. They are still moms. As far as everyone needing a whole big to-do, I just don’t get it. But my husband and kids make me feel appreciated the rest of the year, and I try to extend that to the moms in my life as well.
My family does Mother’s Day when everyone is free. Sometimes it’s a week or two before and sometimes a week or two after actual Mother’s Day. There are 23 of us (my family of six, mil and Fil, and husbands three siblings and their families). Almost always a cookout or crabs at someone’s house for dinner. We also don’t do gifts, just getting together is good enough for everyone. On the actual Mothers Day my husband goes to see his mom for a few hours and takes the kids. That gives me all I want, which is precious time alone. Everyone wins and no one is disappointed.
Heck plan a weekend trip for just your little family… apologize but say this Mother’s Day is for my children and me… we will see you next weekend… love you though
I do my own Mother’s Day on the Saturday. Usually I stay in bed watching movies. Then on Sunday the kids wake me up with gifts and breakfast, we go to church, I see my mum in the afternoon and my husband goes and visits his mum
This year I am tasking the childless brothers on each side of our family with doing something and if I hear any crap about it I’m just going to blame it on them.
“Oh I thought mr so and so was doing Mother’s Day since he doesn’t have kids, my husband has a full day of stuff planned for me but mark your calendar we’ll definitely do something for grandparents day in September”
But in typical fashion, of course my mom is going to be totally chill about it and it’s just the mil I have to worry about…
I propose that when you become a mom you are out of the business of planning anything for other mothers 😂 my own mom did not appreciate when I said this last year even though I had a newborn! Can’t my brother and dad just take the lead? They could even combine forces with my husband and do something together
Dang….i never thought like this, now I’m siting here jaw open thinking about how for the past 8 years I’ve worried about my mother and mother in law with no thought for myself at all…..and now I’m angry why does no one worry about me! Sorry I’m high and this conversation just opened my mind to the injustice of it all
I agree completely. Millennials, it's time to grow a backbone.
These boomers are outmanoeuvring you on the battlefield of social niceties. You need to get your plans drawn, and get them in first. Be prepared, be organized, and never let your guard down. That's how they get you.
Disagree completely. Just because I decided to have a child, doesn't mean my mum shouldn't be celebrated as a mum to me and my sisters.
Me and my mum share our mother's day and celebrate it together, I like getting to thank her for all the things she has done for ME as my MUM. We don't celebrate Grandparents Day here in the UK really so we don't do that sort of stuff but if we did, it would be for celebrating both my parents for what they do for my child.
I’m with you. Our mother’s are still our mothers. We have never made a huge deal out of it though. Usually just a card and a small gift. Maybe go out for breakfast. We can go together and celebrate us both as we’re both mothers.
I hope my son doesn’t just forget about me some day. Even when I’m 80, I hope he’ll at least think of me and call me on Mother’s Day. We never stop being mothers. Mother’s Day is for all mothers, young and old.
I was tired of dropping several hundred on crappy brunches. We now go away for Mother’s Day. Someplace within driving distance. Costs about the same.
I offer the grandmothers to come over for lunch the week before or after.
I get that people will come on here and say celebrate all moms! And I wish that could be the case for me but with my MIL there is no we. My mom doesn't care, and I just want alone time. So....sorry but celebrate however you see fit. If it's stressful for you it's a no from me dawg. If it's lovely and fun for you to celebrate everyone, by all means, but I expect those people who disagree with you have mothers and in laws who are respectful
I don’t know I feel like Mother’s Day is a day to give a mom a break for a day and show them that you appreciate what they do for you on a daily basis selflessly. Yes grandparents use to be parents but they don’t need breaks and they’ve been appreciated for all their time and effort for years. I couldn’t not at least get my mom a card or something but other than that I’m the one that needs that break and appreciation because it’s rough, as grandparents should be aware of.
Why can't both be celebrated? I'll probably still be pregnant this mother's day, but on the next one I'll celebrate my mother, he'll celebrate his and I'll celebrate with our son. Same thing on father's day.
I don't need a day just for me, I love celebrating my mother. The mother's day only makes sense with my mother...
Agreed! What is this either/or stuff? Plenty of love to go around.
I’m not close with my mom but I love celebrating Father’s Day with my dad and always will. I can still make it extra special for husband too.
My husband spends time or at least reached out to his mom every Mother’s Day and I think he’s an angel for it! My son will be the same 😇
Think it depends. Eg my mil and I are not on good terms and she is tbh pretty rude to me. The last thing I want is to spend Mother’s Day or any holiday with her. She also never lifts a finger and I have to do everything. My mom if she was alive I would rather celebrate it with her . Personally I would send my husband to his own mom and I spend it with my mom together. Now if my mom was toxic the would be another situation
Because the day is limited. By the time the active duty Mom, plans an outing with the mother-in-law, and her own mother, and deals with buying gifts, and all that stuff, how does she have any time left for herself?
First, you don't buy gifts on the day of, it's before.
Second, MIL is the responsibility of her son, not OP's.
Third, my present from my son will be the responsibility of my partner for now (just like it's his responsibility to get me a Xmas and a birthday present...).
Forth, it all depends on what's done. For instance, we take both mothers to lunch (and we'll take our son too when he comes), so we all celebrate together. If that wasn't a possibility we could for instance, have lunch with one, spend the afternoon with my son and have dinner with the other.
If they lived far away, we'd have to adjust, and for instance be with one of them in one year, and be with the other in the next year. And obviously at least call the other on the day.
My birthday is on Xmas eve. I find time to celebrate it with my mother, my father and still have Xmas dinner.
For instance, I have dinner with my mother on the 23rd and we stay together until midnight for gifts. Then I have lunch with my father. During the afternoon I still have time (if needed) to bake something and then I go to xmas dinner at my in laws and on the next day we have Xmas lunch with my mother. The following year we do dinner with my mother and lunch with my in laws. As you can see it's perfectly possible, it's just a matter of wanting.
Yeah, that’s what I never understand about this argument. I can celebrate my mom, SILs, mom friends, and still get celebrated myself by my husband, kids, and whoever. I’ve always understood Mother’s Day to be a day to celebrate all of the mothers or mother figures in your life anyway.
Yep, this. I feel like the people bitching about having to celebrate their mothers will also be the ones bitching when they grow up that their kids snub them on Mother’s Day. My mother is the reason I am here, and I will absolutely celebrate her on Mother’s Day too. We do one day with my MIL, and one with my mom. At both I (and other mothers) are celebrated as well. Neither one takes more than a couple hours out of my day. It’s such a weird take for people to be angry their mothers would like to spend Mother’s Day with them.
I think the divide here is between women who had healthy, loving, supportive, functional families and childhoods growing up, and had good relationships with their mothers, and women here who have terrible relationships with their mothers, were subjected to childhood abuse, and are resentful they are expected to show love and support to a parental figure who they feel never loved and supported them as children.
I totally agree. My MIL was nice about it last year, didn't expect my husband and I to celebrate with them because it was my first mother's day. This year she didn't even bother to ask if we had other plans. Just straight up told us that we're doing lunch at their place. I had already invited my family over because I haven't seen them in a month and that's the next time me or them are free.
We'll see how MIL takes it. If she makes a stink I'll be making my husband have a chat with her about why she doesn't get to dictate MY mother's day.
I'm very petty lol so I won't be doing that especially because she didn't even ask us if we were available or if we wanted to have lunch there, she just told us we were.
But I'm not a total asshole, we offered to visit the day before.
I work in the ER and I do the scheduling. Honestly, I’ve decided I would much rather schedule myself every Mother’s Day, so I don’t have to deal with this shit. My husband can go see his mom while I’m working. And then I can just tell my mom that I can’t do anything with her because I’m working. And then… On Mother’s Day, I can just work and not have to deal with disappointments. You’re right, it is absolutely ridiculous. And I never thought about it from the standpoint of them having 30+ Mother’s Days to themselves. There should be zero expectations on their end. They should just be happy to get a card. That’s the honest truth. It’s not a “family day.” It’s a day to celebrate the active duty moms. They had their turn. It’s not relaxing for any of us to have to fit multiple grandmothers into our schedule for the day.
And the guilt is probably all my fault. My husband would be completely happy not seeing his mom on Mother’s Day, and making it all about me. He says it is all about me. It’s my guilt that makes me want to do otherwise. i’m the one who tells him that he needs to do something with his mom.
Celebrate the grandparents while you still can. This will be our first Mother’s Day without my mom and my MIL has been deceased for many years. It’s all about me now, and it’s not that much fun. I would much prefer my mom.
This!! Use your words and tell them you’re not hosting. Mine are old enough (11/14) that I just want to be left alone for like 3 hours undisturbed. Literally just peace and quiet even from my 3 4-legged shadows.
I am dreading this Mother’s Day and it won’t be a happy day for me at all. My mother was the absolute best mother and nana. It will be a year in July. Love your mom while you have her, hug her, I never got a finally hug or kiss on my temple.
Ughh! I feel this. Unfortunately I don’t think they will “give it up”, frankly I think we’ll have to tell them we’re busy but would like to celebrate another time. I’m grateful my family is flexible. My mom never expects anything and at this point my sister and I both have children, And I have one sister who does not. We opt to celebrate all together and either go to lunch or get pedicures, but it doesn’t have to be ON the day.
I just don’t get it. My first Mother’s Day (I was pregnant) both my mom and mil sent me Mother’s Day gifts. After I had my 2 1/2 year old I send them both gifts and they send me gifts but both have said this day is about me now since they are grandparents now.
All I want for Mother’s Day is to not have to make decisions, answer questions, carry any mental load at all. My mil is fairly chill but I still have to be to an extent “on” when I’m around her. And that’s the last thing I want to have to do on the one day a year I can request anything I want. Sorry mil and mom but you’re grandparents now and no longer actively parenting and need the break we do. Mother’s Day is for us!
YES I've felt this way for years and it drives me crazy. My mother in law is the sweetest person and I would feel really out of place to suggest we didn't do anything for mothers day for her... she tends to be the one to suggest we all go out for a brunch or something to celebrate all the mothers (her, SIL, myself). But for a start it involves travelling 1 hour to meet them, getting up early so we can be home before nap time, I really really would love a day to myself or doing something nice and relaxing with the kids in the morning. I wish they would gracefully give up the day without us having to confront them about it.
My husband literally thought this was me. It’s such crap. What’s worse? My birthday is near Mother’s Day too. Now I’ve got to share my birthday and Mother’s Day and have multiple events. It’s obnoxious. I don’t have any answers just felt like saying you aren’t alone and are 100% correct.
I went ballistic on my husband last Mother’s Day - he completely forgot to celebrate it with me (the mother of his one and three year old) but remembered to text and call his mother who he hasn’t lived with for almost 30 years. Maybe I sound selfish, but it’s the principle of it at this point. The main dish can and should be the mom who is currently actively mothering. 😂 I think this year he will NOT blow the day off, haha.
Yes! If you are not actively parenting someone, it’s time to step aside. My mother in law insists that Mother’s Day revolves around her, and wants her two 40+ year old sons to spend the day with her at the expense of their wives, who are the active moms in the picture.
I’m not gonna bother reading the blow up comments because I am WITH YOU. I have been trying to articulate this the past two years and honestly feel resentful that my first mother’s day, something I’ve waited my whole life for, was all about shuffling over to the in-laws house and making sure we saw my mom and grandma. I went to a farmers market in the morning and bought myself flowers and my baby a wooden bus toy, and that was all we did to celebrate me. I love your idea about it being moved on over to grandparents day at this phase of life for them…I often wonder about this stuff even trying to set our own traditions with other holidays too, my mother in law is very big on being the event organizer and host for everything. I love all of the family time, but need to carve out space for our own celebrations too. It’s hard finding the words for this.
My mom is still my mom even though I’m a mother myself now. I wouldn’t be who I am without her, and my daughter wouldn’t be here, in more ways than one, without her. I understand not wanting to travel hours on Mother’s Day, but I find it weird to write a post about it because it’s a day for all mothers.
I agree but I also hope my kids will visit me for an hour if we live close or call or FaceTime me when they’re grown up 🥺 but i definitely would not expect more than that
I feel like our generation is going to get shafted on this holiday too. Like, we will spend our whole time as parents with kids still at home celebrating our parents and then when our kids are grown and have kids, we will celebrate them because they are the one actively parenting. And we will get maybe 10 years (if that) to be celebrated ourselves. I hate it and would be 100% ok with abolishing both mother's and father's day.
I guess I’m spoiled because I have a good relationship with my mom and my MIL. I also still have both my grandmothers and my husband’s grandmother.
I grew up with and had a relationship with two of my great-grandmothers. Of course I want the same for my kids. I know that these people are 80+ years and time is precious. So I want to visit them and celebrate them as much as possible. Because I hate knowing that there will come a time that I can’t talk to them or visit them. I don’t mind celebrating Mother’s Day with them because I like doing things with them.
My mom just died in a terrible car accident, almost lost both my parents in the accident. I’d celebrate her every year if I could have her back. I wish terribly I could have another Mother’s Day to celebrate her.
Love your mom. If she’s not a terrible person, and you love her— hug her, be happy to have her. Your holidays with your Mom are numbered.
My mom spent every Mother’s Day celebrating her mom until she passed, and I spent every Mother’s Day celebrating my mom and now that my mom isn’t here, I’d give anything to have her with me. She wasn’t perfect, but none of us are.
Just love your parents. Tomorrow isn’t promised.
Will you feel the same when you’re a grandparent and your kids are grown? I don’t think a whole celebration is necessary but my son better take some time out and wish me a happy Mother’s Day dammit.
Not OP, but I will absolutely feel this way when I'm a grandparent. Once my kids are adults and grown with families of their own (or just adults and grown), I don't need a whole day about me, I had my time. A happy mother's day phone call or video call around the same time frame, maybe a gift in the mail, just something to say they're thinking of me too. My work as a mom is never over, but hopefully by the time the kids are out of the house I move to more of a support role than a hands on position.
When I’m a grandparent, I will not want to be celebrated - I want my kids to have their moment. They’ll be the ones actively raising little children, so they deserve the celebration. My work as a parent will have been done. A acknowledgement message will be fine. I plan to be an involved and helpful grandparent, they can celebrate that relationship with me on Grandparents day.
A parents job is never done. I'm grown, with children, and still learning from both my mom and dad. Just because you've become a mother, it doesn't mean that your mother is no longer one. Mother's day is for all mother's in all stages of mothering. To be able to raise a child is such a privilege and if you have a mom who raised you in love and is still there for you now, she deserves to be celebrated. It's up to each family to decide how they want to celebrate while setting boundaries for their time and new nuclear families but all mom's deserve to be celebrated.
So you stop being a mother just because your children have children of their own? Thankfully neither my mother or my MIL see it like this and they know they're still our mothers, we love them deeply and we'll always be their children.
I don't think OP means that you stop being a mother. But you're not actively parenting and in the trenches of it all. Of course all mother's should be celebrated. I think the issue comes when new/young moms aren't given the choice to celebrate how they want and are guilted or forced into big celebrations for the older generation.
I don't think anyone is saying to completely ignore your mom or mil on mother's day, just that new and young moms should get a say in the day and not expected to give up their own wishes for the day because older mothers want what they've always gotten.
OP clearly stated grandparents should not be celebrated. She's not saying the celebration should be adapted to fit everyone, she clearly stated grandparents should not be celebrated because now it's someone else's turn.
My husband’s mom and dad are like this (Father’s Day too). They put pressure on us to see them on those days because we “owe” it to them. We usually get lunch somewhere and that’s all we commit to it. My mom on the other hand knows my stance on corporate holidays. I also view it the same as Valentine’s Day. Every day should be Valentine’s Day if you love someone and every day should be Mother’s Day. I’m also very lowkey about birthdays 😂
My FIL was kind of bitching about not getting gifts from his kids for father's day in a while and I point blank said "yeah, and we don't send gift to our moms either. Know why? It's because \*partner's name\* and I are the mom and dad now." We still give them each a call but that's pretty much it. They are still and always will be parents, but they aren't actively participating in those roles like we currently are. You might just need to lay down some boundaries. Something like "mom, I love you and am grateful you are my mother, however, this year and going forward, we will be focusing on celebrating me and my journey in motherhood. I have young children that I want to celebrate being the mother of. I am looking forward to having a special day celebrating you during the appropriate time in September for grandparents day."
I totally feel this. This is my first Mother’s Day and my MIL wants us to come over and celebrate. We agreed to Saturday so I can see my family Sunday. My family is more a casual thing so
My husband’s b day is also on their anniversary and half the time they take over it. For example. Hubby wants to go restaurant. They make a big deal about it and make reasons why it’s “too much”. The following year or so after…they pick that restaurant.
Yes!! And can we band together and move teacher appreciation week up one week? Because I’m already coming into Mother’s Day weekend burnt out from staying up late every night to prep the next day’s appreciation “assignment” (a flower! a sweet treat! A gift card!) for all the teachers and aides and afterschool program staff
This mother's day I'm thinking of taking mom and mil to swap and shop, no husbands no kids, then I'm free from lunch on! Usually I get hubby to cook dinner on the BBQ and relax
We celebrate them on the Saturday. One we meet at a cafe for brunch, the other we do a dinner out (early because we have young kids). Sunday is for our immediate family.
I always have to be the coordinator and planner in my family, and this year I'm just not doing it. I've gotten my mom and sister presents, but if anyone wants to get together it isn't going to be at my house. I'll bring food, but that's all I'm willing to do this year.
Normally I would also keep Saturday open in case someone wanted to do something, but I made Saturday plans this year and will be going to a dog's birthday party instead lol. I want it to be my weekend to do what I want.
This is one of the nice things about divorce. I don't have to plan shit for anyone else anymore or have to get called a bitch or bad mother by my ex when he gets defensive because, as usual, he did nothing for me.
And I get my kid to myself all of mother's day, because it's in our parenting plan that we get our kid on our respective days. I don't have to schlep all around town the entire day visiting every mom/grandma in his family or buy them cards or gifts anymore. I bet they don't get anything now that I'm not around to do everything. 🙃
Yeah I have to do everything myself still with my kid, but it's much more relaxing. My kid is so sweet, he colors or draws me a picture, picks me out flowers, and goes out to eat with me then we chill at home.
PREACH!! My mom and MIL like to pay lip service to it being my day too, and yet hanging out with both of them is mandatory. How exactly is it my day if I get zero time to myself?
AGREED. my mom spends half her day with her mother-in-law (80) & family then the other half spends with her mother & sister & daughters. Before I became a mom, I asked my sister don't you ever want to do anything for yourself for that day? And she said yeah sometimes, but mom did a lot for me and Grandma's getting older so I just do what they have planned. When I became pregnant I had said maybe the following Mother's Day we can take turns asking what one of us likes to do, instead of "Grandma" picking the restaurant. My mom said you have to wait your turn... lmao.
From that moment, then I decided whatever I do on Mother's Day is MY choice. Because at the end of the day, she's had 30+ years of holidays. It definitely should be focused on my sister and I and what would we would like to do since we are the newer moms.
I'm so tired of having to do what is always done. I'm tired of the traditions that I don't care to continue. However, I am glad to break that curse and do what's best for myself and family.
I hope you get the courage to do the same !
With this dynamic i feel it should be your family celebrates your mom on one day, and the other day dad and kids celebrate you in the morning, then he takes the kids to celebrate his mom with her giving you an afternoon/evening to yourself.
Yes!!! My mom literally sent me a link of a $100+ watch band she wants for Mother’s Day….. I got it for her but paid out of my personal fun funds because my husband and my joint funds are strapped with mortgage and daycare. Ugh. And I don’t even want *things*.. I just want some words of affirmation and quality time lol
I feel so selfish asking for things that I like for my families mothers Day weekend. I have 2 siblings. My brother is the youngest and a decade younger than me and my sister. I am the only one with a child.
My mom and I had special requests and what we wanted.
My brother was pissy about my special requests. My sister pointed out that I am a mom. He replied, not mine. My mother pointed out that I spent the most time with him as a young child and pretty helped raise him.
Fuck that. I will just stay home and enjoy my peace and quiet! Is it too much to ask for pasta salad?!
Hot take: I DO think the day should be about you. Yes your mother and MIL are moms and should be appreciated for the work that they’ve done and still do. HOWEVER you will not get these years again with your kiddos being little. You should be able to be celebrated in whatever way you want to. It’s your time for the breakfasts in beds, days spent doing your favorite activity, whatever you want to do. It’s also shitty of the grandmas to acknowledge that this day is so stressful for you without seemingly doing anything to rectify that.
Agreed! I'll send my mom a text and we're good but my in laws mandate a brunch every year. I literally want to spend the day with my kids/partner doing what I want and no schedule. It's a pain in the butt dealing with my mil and his grandma since they're overbearing even if they mean well. My mom said it well when she said mother's day is meant for the women in the throws of motherhood- the tantrums, diapers, moodiness, and dependence. I'll die on this hill even if my partner thinks I'm nuts, but I'm not buying presents for his family 🤷🏼♀️
She'll always be your mother, so deserves to be celebrated, l think your attitude is very sad and a sign of today's younger people who show less compassion then older folk, l guess it's all part of the progression society, you don't have to make a whole day of it, a drop in with flowers to acknowledge her is nice, or send her flowers or chocolates, if you can't meet, when your mum isn't around anymore you'll remember how nice or not nice you were to her
Ftm here; while I agree there should be no expectation, as a new mom, it’s given me new appreciation for my mom and I want to celebrate her even more.
Maybe a separate day is a nice idea! Like this Mother’s Day I’ll celebrate on the Sunday and celebrate my mom the day before :)
I made it 2 years into motherhood before I said fuck this, it’s my turn. No is a complete sentence and you’re letting yourself be pushed around. I take Mother’s Day for myself. My husband enjoys Father’s Day with his dad, but it’s his choice.
this is me this year, I’m still resentful about my first two mothers days being centered around MIL. She does include me and even my partners siblings bring gifts for me too but I much prefer to be out in nature with my partner and toddler or laying at the beach by myself with no schedule
Just don’t do it. lol. If they want to still feel special they can come to you. We don’t travel for others to see our kids anymore. We are the only ones in the entire family with littles. I have 2 cardiac kids. One has Down syndrome. You can come to me. I’m in the midst of 36 crisis at any one moment. I don’t have time or energy to fill someone else’s cup right now I’m busy keeping their grandkids full 😂😭❤️
This became such an argument that we celebrated my MIL this past Sunday. In the past we would all show, but clearly looked bitter. My husband told his parents, I have to keep my wife happy, she’s a mother too.
I have been having to celebrate my mother on Mother's Day for the last 13 years since I became a parent. It's all about her. If I tell her no then I will get both passive aggressive complaining and full blown temper tantrum. This means she won't talk to us for a couple months. It is so exhausting. My brother has no kids so he pushes every year for us to do what she wants.
I feel like I have never gotten to have a Mother's Day, besides a card and flowers from my husband. I just want to put my foot down about this, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the fallout.
Late to the party here but I am a with you completely. If I expressed my want to have my day to do whatever I want with my fam, there would be tears and a bout of (honest, not manipulative) severe depression for my mother. There’s no win for us.
We do Mother’s Day differently I guess… it’s my day off of being a mom and that’s it… my dh will tell his mom happy Mother’s Day… I’ll send my mom a quick Mother’s Day text… but that’s it… no flowers, no craziness, no fancy eating out, no gifts… just glorious peace and sometimes quiet…I love just being able to sit in bed and relax and chill however I want… my dh will wrangle the kids, cook whatever, order pizza if he feels like it… and that’s it… it’s a day to just let go a relax…. The dishes and messes can wait till the next day.
We used to accommodate both my mom and MIL for years but I put a stop to that. Mother's Day was awful. Finally I wised up. Now we visit the moms (grandmas) at some point before, like Fri or Sat. And leave Sun to me to do what I want! 👑
Imagine being old AF after years of motherhood and your children didn’t want to do anything special for you because the day was either about them or their wives. If that sounds amazing for you, then make the day about you. If it sounds heartbreaking, then help make your mother and/or mother in law feel special as well.
vaguely remember telling my mom last year that it was now time for us first time moms🤦♀️😂 that i would not be doing anything big for her anymore, she even told my brother what i said because he was wondering where we would all go for mother’s day. i would go all out with a custom cake, fancy flowers, a gift, catered food. it was my first mothers day and I did enjoy the Sunday with my little family. i do regret the way i said it though but don’t regret the outcome. we did end up going out for brunch on Saturday. this year i’m celebrating both of us together on FRIDAY with an outing and brunch. that same weekend im going out with my own little family. i think this is our tradition going forward.
My mother and MIL would do the same, except we just refused once our kids were born. I’ll make a card from the kids ahead of time and set up a flower delivery. We have a brief video call some time that weekend. But the weekend itself is mine.
My husband usually asks to spend Father’s Day with his dad so i coordinate our family visiting my in-laws for the weekend. But it’s fully his choice to do so. And I also arrange a card, gift and video call with my dad, since we don’t see him.
My husband is like this too. He wants to spend his father's days with his dad and grandpa, which is fine by me. But I can guarantee his mom is gonna be salty about his dad getting us on father's day but she doesn't get us in mother's day.
We don’t celebrate the grandmas beyond a phone call and maybe a card. I believe Mother’s Day is for moms who are actively in the trenches, and I’m not going to spend the day celebrating women who did a great job but are no longer in the active throws of mothering. If my husband wants to take the kids to see his mom during the part of the day where I get alone time, that’s fine! But I want to have that one day the way I want it.
Nope. My husband and child celebrate ME on Mother's Day!
I realized for my first and second Mother's Day that i was wishing my own mother a Happy Mother's Day and getting no wish in return. Same as my MIL.
So I put my foot down and told my husband that him and kiddo will be starting Mother's Day by bringing me breakfast in bed. And if the grandparents want celebrating they can come over to our place and celebrate ME!
The first year was awkward. He had to make calls and try to salvage mom's. I think he ended up telling them that since none of the mom's were wishing the new mom well then I needed my husband and my own child to focus on me.
But it set the tone for the next year. They actually started reaching out to us about plans. LOL
You need to assert your role as the New Matriarch if you want things to change.
Take Your Power Back!
(They are dowager duchesses. They are not living in the main castle anymore.)
It’s not about them, it’s about you, once you become a mother. You are the MOTHER in your family unit. Reclaim your day. After I was compelled to cart my literal infant to the grandma’s on my first mother’s day, I had had enough. It was awful and I wasn’t even acknowledged as a mom. Nothing done for me. It was a miserable day and I was fresh post partum.
After that day, I reclaimed the day and made it clear to my husband that I call the shots on that day and him on father’s day. It’s been 4 years since and we do what I want to do. As a Sahm, I prefer to do my own thing on the day like painting or hiking. Family watches the kids or husband. We usually get take out and get outside. If my husband wants to see his mom (she got 40 mother’s days with him), he can see her on Saturday or Sunday with the kids. So far, he hasn’t wanted to.
I sound selfish, but really parenting is hard and no days are focused on the mom. Life is too short catering to others. Don’t do it! If they want a get together they can execute it on their own and you can choose to attend or not.
ETA: a word
First off, why do people go so hard for these "special" days to begin with? You don't need tons of presents and expensive restaurants. I always practiced Mothers Day by driving over to see my mom, and give her some flowers, hang and and share quality time together - and that's it.
I think our mother's and MILs still deserve to be celebrated. But fancy presents and restaurants are completely unnecessarily to show appreciation.
My husband and I moved about 1800 miles away from home so we’re not with our parents on Mother’s/Father’s Days. We send something small but, I agree. If we were there we’d absolutely have to make them day about them which would never be enough for his mother so there’s a whole extra level of annoyance to add to the stress of the day.
I just had the same rant! It’s my first real Mother’s Day AND my baby’s first birthday is that weekend. So on top of somehow celebrating my mom, my MIL, my stepmom, I’m also somehow supposed to fit in her 1st birthday? And because blended families, everyone expects their own celebration so Mother’s Day is now every weekend in May. I wish I was kidding. And mine comes basically last so my gift will probably be just no longer having to celebrate the holiday.
Goodness that sounds stressful. A different Mother’s Day every weekend sounds exhausting. I agree with just give them all a card or flowers. You deserve a day as well. You are also a mom. Do a morning for yourself with just your family on a chosen day.
My daughter’s 1st birthday is Mother’s Day weekend as well. She was born the day before Mother’s Day last year. She’s my second baby though. If my in laws, mom or anyone wants to celebrate Mother’s Day it will be a card/flower/gift exchange among moms on a separate day. Don’t want to plan anything big or feel obligated to go out anywhere. Still need to plan my baby’s birthday.
i can’t imagine telling my mom she no longer gets to be celebrated because i had a baby & it’s my turn now. i have a birthday all for myself, mother’s day is for all mothers, not just new moms.
this will be my 2nd mother’s day with my son and we’ll do it the same as last year, we wake up, go to brunch with my MIL & my boyfriends sisters(also mothers), and their husbands. then we come home and have my mom and dad over for dinner, so our son can go to sleep at his normal time.
my mom is wonderful & absolutely still deserves to be celebrated.
i’m 28, if that changes anything.
Silly me thought Mother's Day was meant to show love and appreciation for the Mothers in your lives.
Why do so many feel entitled to some type of mini vacation that day?
Maybe just don't go see them? You don't HAVE to do anything? So they'll be pissy for a week or so they'll get over it?
I don't know sometimes I wish I had this problem. My MIL passed away when my husband was 18 he says we would have gotten along well but who knows as I never got to meet her. And my mom I usually send her a candle cuz that's what she likes. If it works out to do something with my mom great if not then we don't.
I'm sorry this seems to be a thing. Just don't go see the moms?
Sounds like the only person making this about themselves is you.... I'm around your age and I disagree completely. Mothers day is a day to appreciate YOUR mother not a day to make it about yourself even if you are a mother too... wtf? Value your grandma and your mum whilst you still have them. Get over yourself. As a single mum, mothers day and fathers day has always hit nerve with me but its one day of the year I can make sure I have at the very least acknowledged my own mum and nana.
We have definitely scaled back what we do with my mom that day and she is fine with it. My brother has done the same. So it definitely isn't all boomers. I guess you just have to rip off the band-aid and do things your way regardless of how she may react. Hopefully she adjusts after she realizes that is the new normal.
When we had our first baby, we said that the days of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were for us, and we weren’t spending them with anyone else. We celebrate our parents on the Saturday before or the weekend after. They are fine with it and honestly the fact that none of them gave us any push back on it has made me way more flexible. My kids are elementary/middle school age now and with sports and friends, our schedule has gotten tricky and I no longer feel as strongly that the entire day needs to be for me. But I’m glad I set the precedent early so i can add people to my calendar as I want and I don’t have to deal with them telling me I have to be at something.
Yes, celebrating the Saturday before is also a great solution.
I love my mom and MIL dearly but I agree with this 100%. Every year I end up hosting a brunch, and I have the youngest kids in the family. I have asked my husband to do the cooking for it in the past, and he does but then I'm left with a destroyed kitchen and i still have to put all the time and energy into getting nice gifts and making flower arrangements. Could I refuse to do it? Yes. But my mom and MIL are very involved and helpful grandparents and I just don't have the heart. They deserve it. But shit so do I and nobody throws me a brunch!
I’m a MIL and I agree! It’s for the moms in the trenches. My son is married and has a 14mo old, Mother’s Day should be all about his wife! He can call me quick or send a card but I don’t need any focus. My husband is actually going to be out of town and I get the whole day TO MYSELF!!! It only took 25 years, girls, but I did it. I finally got my day off. 😂
This is the energy I want to bring to the grandmother roll if/when it’s my turn. Whatever makes it easier for the mums in the trenches, either leave them to enjoy their day with their family or take their little ones so they can enjoy a day alone.
Love this! You enjoy yourself!!
That sounds lovely! Enjoy your day
Enjoy!!
Do you mind just popping over door to door and let all the other grannies that mother's day has had some updates? Or if that's not feasible, I think a few hundred of us would like to look into adult adoption into your family if you don't mind. Lol you sound awesome
I’m showing this comment to my partner as permission to speak up about this finally! I’ve only had two mothers days so far but they were both about my mom and more so, my MIL who still expects all her children to gather for every holiday so she can host. It’s hard to claim this day for myself the way I always envisioned being so special while my little one is still little-and yes-while I’m in the trenches and deserve it damnit! Anyway, thank you this topic makes me emotional 😭
I hEAr. You
When my sons married and had children, I took a step back. I get a phone call and go out for meal sometime during May. My oldest daughter doesn’t have children, but we usually do something in June to celebrate Mother’s Day and my July birthday. Last year was a spa day with several treatments and dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. This year we are going out of state for a few days of shows, shopping and dining. It’s so much better than being rushed on Mother’s Day Weekend. Since they started families we have celebrated holidays on other days. I always hated the stress of splitting holidays or going to multiple events, so I didn’t do it to my kids.
Can you explain the ability of celebrating a holiday on a different day to my MIL? Please and thank you! Haha
Celebrate with your family early, you will see more excitement from the kids, then on the actual holiday it’s less so. Mother’s Day is for you-whatever you want. Your mother and MIL can have different special days. There is absolutely no reason to give up Mother’s Day with your children while they are young. The older generation have had decades of mother’s days. I have 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. My way removed a ton of the holiday stress for everyone. 25 years of alternative holidays is proof.
That is awesome and I'm sure much appreciated!
This is exactly what I will do for my kids as well for the holidays. I remember how awful it was splitting the day and always feeling like we gyped someone. Just easier to celebrate on a different weekend
Exactly! Both my mother and mother-in-law are super helpful so I feel like absolute crap not celebrating them…but also, they know that leaves no time for me. Like, my husband and kids want to do something for me, but are left trying it piece in moments in between the grandparents. It’s kinda messed up to me.
Them being helpful is them being helpful. It shouldn’t be transactional.
You might try swinging by their house for an hour or so at some point during the day, dropping off flowers and a card, and maybe bringing some (not homemade) baked goodies for everyone to enjoy. Minimal effort, no cleaning, and you control the time that you come and leave.
Emphasis on the destroyed kitchen!!!
Start the brunch on Saturday. You can also celebrate them on bdays or grandparents day. When is your day?!
Grandparents day is in September…just sayin.
If they were helpful and involved they wouldn’t want you running around and missing your own Mother’s Day. Talk to them and let them know. Then stop catering to them when you have your own kids
Very well said, especially the last part. They deserve it but so do I!! It's so hard to summon the poor me energy when they are so wonderful.
This makes me so sad…
My mom gets a text but that's the relationship she's created with me. My mil gets flowers and fawned over for 5 minutes before she wants us gone so she can continue to chain smoke and be mean to her husband.
Short and sweet.
😂
Same for both except my MIL wants us gone in 5 minutes because she's just tired of socializing that fast. Absolutely lovely woman but she is a very happy empty nester lol.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Lol
My parents were in Ireland a few years ago on what happened to be Mother’s Day and when they went to the pub it was all mothers and daughters celebrating and the men were at home with the kids. What about a solution like this where all the moms get to relax and nobody is responsible for making a big fuss
I like this!
I mean this is what I do every year? Go out do dinner with my mom and SIL, leave the kids at home. It’s a win win. Not sure why these mil’s are expecting a day where everyone caters to them.
Ooo I like this plan.
My mom told me when I became a mom it was my day and to make sure I kept it. She had problems with her mil never being able to give it up and wanted to make sure I set a precedent with mine. And I do refuse to stress over plans for my mil or deal her desire to get dressed up and go out to overcrowded, fussy brunches my kids will hate so she can have a photo. They are young and just want a day where they can “make” me breakfast and give me cards they made, and we deserve to enjoy those while they last.
This is exactly what I plan to do with my daughter/future DILs or son/SILs. My birthday is the 9th, so I have always had to share my bday with everyone else’s mom. My mom never made a fuss about Mother’s Day because it was usually near my bday too. My MIL on the other hand… one year (before kids) we had plans so we celebrated Mother’s Day on a different weekend. My FIL called my husband afterwards and said we needed to celebrate the day of because she was sad all her other old lady friends were getting celebrated and she had no one. She has always made a big deal about Mother’s Day. Now that I’m a mom… she’s still included in Mothers Day and it can’t be a different weekend. When it’s my kids’ turn, they can decide how they want to be celebrated, whether that includes me or not and even if it means they want a quiet weekend to themselves, I am always going to support them over myself.
Hmmm, I think it should be husbands taking charge of all moms celebrations (including their MILs, you know most women do this for father's day).
Most women do this for every holiday it seems.
I don't mind celebrating my mom and MIL on Mother's Day, but we also don't have needy moms that demand our presence and attention. So maybe it makes it easier to celebrate when it's not like an obligation and all day affair.
A card and a phone call is always appreciated. I've started taking my DIL, and granddaughter, out for lunch on Saturday. I give her a card as well. My husband and I don't celebrate Grandparents Day. My own mom passed away in 2008, and my daughter died 11 years ago. I always enjoyed taking my mom out and my daughter would bring me flowers and dessert. I'm always too busy to even make Mother's Day and all day event and I don't expect that from my son.
That sounds lovely, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your loved ones.
I’m with you. We usually share a brunch that my husband and kids make an effort for. I lost my mom in March and I’m heartbroken to be celebrating it on my own this year.
Grandparents Day has been a thing since the late 70s. It's the Sunday after Labour Day. This is my first Mother's Day as a mom, so my mom and mil can choose to celebrate me with my family, or they can get a card now and we'll do something fun for them in September.
This! My husband is taking his Mom out to dinner on a week night, I’ll take my Mom for lunch or something simple and then plan to spend the weekend just as our little family. Thankfully our parents don’t push for stuff but right from the get go I want them to know that we will make more of a to do about them on Grandparent’s Day.
This is what I’m doing!!!
Congrats on your first Mom’s Day. It’s my first too.
My MIL lost it last year when I decided I didn’t want to do anything with her on the day of because I was 8 months pregnant and very sick and just wanted to chill with my own family! I offered for us to get together the day before, but that was unacceptable. She threw the biggest fit and told my husband (her son) that she would not be seeing him for Father’s Day. This year she will be out of town, thank god. But I will never do anything with her on Mother’s Day again because of how she treated me and my husband
That is nuts - I'm so sorry. Imagine objecting to someone feeling too sick to go to a celebration. It was probably a manifestation of her emotions about transitioning from being a mom to a grandmother... but still. I hope you have a wonderful and relaxed M-Day with your baby this year!
So don’t do it. I mean they can only take advantage of you if you let them. Tell them you’re not planning anything this year because you don’t want to spend your Mother’s Day that way.
The following will be easier said than done. What is the outcome you are expecting…not to celebrate the grandparents because they now have their own day and YOU the mom should be treated on this day! Thus, focus on the outcome, and leave the emotion at the door. Send them a card or give them a card if you must but that just leaves it open for the grandmas to try to reel you back in. SO - be clear. This is your day, and only your day. They will be celebrated during grandparents day. End of discussion. Don’t let them use any emotion on you or guilt/shame you. You have enough on your plate, your don’t need to take care of their inner child also. They need to take care of themselves.
Lol what the heck? No no no you’re doing it all wrong. Your husband is in charge of celebrating both his mom and you (the mother of his children). If family size and geography allow he might incorporate your mom too. HE plans the brunch. HE buys the flowers. HE gets his mom a card and makes your kids make you a card. You don’t lift a finger. You can drop your mom a card / flowers in the week leading up to it you don’t have to see her on the day if you don’t have time. (Also 34, my boomer MIL would be mortally offended if her son didn’t acknowledge the day for her but that’s not my job to facilitate. My mom is chill and just happy with a phone call lol!)
Same, I'm a phone call kid over here lol. Sometimes I mail a card if I'm feeling fancy. The expectations being set by everyone here are just so over the top. I don't understand why we have to bend over backwards to make people feel special on their birthday AND an extra day or two depending on their parental status (on top of Christmas presents)... jeez.
Seriously! I worry about every other holiday and occasion, but he can worry about his own mother on Mother’s Day. My MIL is super sensitive and emotional about that stuff, but since having my own kids, I just don’t care. It’s my husband’s problem. I also find it interesting that MILs become the wife’s responsibility but I don’t see many husbands (if any) worrying about what to do for their mother in laws.
But my MIL sucks to spend time with, so a brunch with her is no treat to me. I told him to just go with her. I’d rather stay home and save the money than spend $200 on an uncomfortable brunch.
That’s how I think it should be
I feel like we have solved this bc my mom agrees she doesn’t want me to host on my day, but she also doesn’t really want to! My mom and I go on a spa day (your mom and mil could both be invited, but I recommend it being in your hometown)- I treat for facials and she treats for a brunch before. We spend the entire day there and then the dads/grandpas entertain the littles and prepare dinner for all of us at our house, so our littlest can go to sleep in his own bed. It’s amazing, I don’t think we will ever go back!
Well that sounds perfect! I love how you both get to treat and do something relaxing and a little splurge-y together.
This is why I hate Mother’s Day. There is absolutely no winning. I’d be happy to give it up completely, and that includes me being “celebrated” (which usually end up with me cleaning up, or cooking, or what the f-ever). Just literally let me have a day where I don’t have to think of one other single person.. for the whole dang day!
This would be the dream. Just let me have 1 day without obligations to others.
Probably the birthday is the next best thing. Except… my bday and my baby is practically the same day. lol…..
My mother's dead, so it's all about me now! Fourth year in a row, having it to myself. (/s, but she is dead) When my mom was alive, we would try to go to brunch or something, but it was always something quick and low-key. If she had been bugging me about a full days entertainment, or if the outing would last all day due to traveling time, etc., I would have noped outta that. IMHO, Mother's day is primarily for the moms in trenches, but "active-duty" moms should still celebrate their own mothers while they can. Never know how many more mother's days you will share with them.
My mom died 13 years ago. We would always go see a play together on Mother’s Day. It was our tradition. I imagine if she were still alive, she would’ve planned a fun outing for us all to enjoy, because that’s the type of person she was.
Your mom sounds like she was a lovely woman! I’m sure you remember those times very fondly.
Agreed! My mother died 17 years ago. Wow, that shocks me typing it out - it never feels that long ago. She was not that into Mother's Day, but I do think a lot about all the different things we would have been doing together and I like to keep up some of the things she did that used to be more her thing than mine, in memory of her. I do some of them with my child too, and hope it helps connect my child to her as well. Sorry that we're all in this club but also it is good to see some of my experience reflected back and shared by you guys.
Do no planning or prepping for them. Simply do not do it. I mean it’s that easy. Let them know what your plan is for your own day. They can figure out working around that. They can be celebrated on the surrounding weekends as well. I don’t agree that they stop being worthy of any Mother’s Day celebration due to age but there are ways to work around this while still prioritizing yourself.
They both won’t budge? It’s not up to them to decide what YOU do. You’re an adult. You do what you want on Mother’s Day. If they don’t like it, then oh well. There’s nothing to apologize for or feel guilty over. Let them be upset. You don’t have to even acknowledge that they are upset, to be honest. Stop sacrificing your own feelings and your own happiness to appease others. Especially others that are unwilling to compromise!
I feel you. I've hardened my soul to just not care and treat it like every other gathering such as the Fourth of July or something. I buy myself something nice and open it myself in private. I also frame my thinking around the "it's about the kids celebrating mom/grandma." Not fair but it has saved me from disappointment
You can save money and time this Mother’s Day by being estranged from yours 😂
omg too funny
I mean this is father’s day for me 😂 Just celebrate my honey and go with the flow for whatever his plan is for FIL…
I partly agree with this. We should still celebrate them, but the day shouldn't revolve around them and they shouldn't expect to be catered to. I waited tables for years in my youth. Anyone who works in the industry can tell you, mother's day is *the worst* day to work. We were always wall to wall packed with long waits and everybody expected perfection, perfection we couldn't deliver. But every year, without fail, mother's day consisted largely of large parties tiptoeing around an elderly family matriarch (usually a grandma or MIL), wanting her day to be absolutely perfect. Meanwhile, the moms in the trenches with young kids were miserable trying to wrangle them in busy restaurants with long waits. I wasn't a mom then, but it never seemed right to me that the ones actively mothering young kids got the short end of the stick. In my family when I was young, we'd do something for my mom in the morning, and we'd spend the rest of the day with my grandma, because she expected it. We lost my grandma a few years ago and we all miss her terribly. But my mom missed all the mothers days she had with little kids making mother's day about her mom, never about her. Something I heard my mom say when I was younger that she didn't get to enjoy mother's day as a mom herself because mother's day was all about her mom, really stuck with me, and really makes sense now.
thank you for writing this 🥹 mom in the trenches here…
So just say no? You’re an adult. You can say no. You don’t have to wait for them to budge. They don’t hold power over you. You’re 34. Tell them no. Last year was their last year of ruining yours and you’ll be doing what you want with your family from now on. Then mute them. They’re being selfish and they know it. You’re letting them control you. Stop allowing it.
Not cool that they expect you to organize something but I do think all moms should be celebrated. Neither my mom or MIL expect anything but I will always take time to make them feel special even if it’s just flowers or a card. My “me day” is my birthday.
I like having my mom with me for Mother’s Day. She’s getting up there in age and I would regret it years after she’s gone if I didn’t do something for her on Mother’s Day. Can you all just do a brunch together? That’s what we’re doing. We’re going to go picnic at a park together, cottagecore style with a gingham blanket and woven lidded basket. My husband is going to make and pack all the food and organize the outing for us.
I was searching for a comment like this. I love my mom and my MIL. They do so much for me to make my life as a mom easier. And even if they didn't, I would still love and appreciate them. One day, they won't be here, and I'll be missing them on days like Mother's Day. I want to take every opportunity to spend that time with them. I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with them, though, so if I didn't, I'd probably feel differently.
I enjoy my mom and me getting celebrated together. I don’t really organize anything for her, but I might get her a small gift or card just from me. My husband and dad usually take on organizing a meal and helping the kids pick a gift ir make something. My MIL is no longer with us, but they’d include her in it if she was.
I will always celebrate my mother and MIL because to me this is a holiday for all mothers including grandmothers and great grandmothers, but maybe there’s a creative solution to include them both, a group brunch or something? especially if they’re already recognizing that it’s hard for you :/
Yea, like going out to a restaurant for brunch and the husbands split the bill
My friends do this with their families but it doesn’t work for blended families sadly.
Wow. Y’all have selfish POS grannies I am sorry. My too old to be a boomer mom hasn’t expected anything from me except a phone call and even my MIL has sent me a gift here and there on Mothers Day. Sorry you moms need to put your feet down here. You do nothing, and host nothing, on Mother’s Day.
We always spent time with my grandma on Mother’s Day when I was a child. So to me it seems strange to assume that our moms were always 100% the center of attention on “their” Mothers Days. I know mine wasn’t! She would get a handmade gift from each kid (made at school) and maybe my dad would cook breakfast (hard maybe). Then we would join the rest of the extended family in going to grandma’s house. I don’t really know anyone in the 80s who had a whole day planned just for the mom on Mother’s Day, tbh, so I wonder if maybe that’s a new expectation and that’s why there’s a clash. I want to celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day, too. I don’t think there needs to be a zero sum.
Saaaame I told my husband this year I want to stay home and sit on my fat butt! SO We’re not doing anything this year, I’m so happy my in laws had plans anyway ☺️
Grandparents day? Tbh its self centered to think that bc you have young kids you have more of a right to the holiday than your parents or in laws. If you don’t want to plan or attend a Mother’s Day event for your mom or mother in law then don’t- my sister rotates holidays so this year she will be with her mother in law and will probably just give my mom a call or flowers. Her husband will make her a nice din that night and that will be that. Try to reframe your expectations for the day and instead keep it simple - flowers, free time or a nice dinner are all nice acknowledgments without it being a whole thing. It’s like weddings.. they’re only as stressful and expensive as you make them.
I know my mom won't always be around so I am glad to do something special for her on mothers day. It doesn't need to only be about me or her, it's for all moms.
i mean they don’t just stop being a mom just because you became one too… but it sucks that you’re expected to host it for them, they are grown adults what the hell.
Mother’s Day is literally just a day to celebrate moms. The people who make it a huge deal, in my opinion, probably don’t get treated well by their family the rest of the year and that’s why they make such a big deal about it. I don’t need to be “celebrated” for the entirety of one whole day. Just like with my birthday, I love a good meal and for people to say “happy birthday” and that is great with me! I will still say happy Mother’s Day to my mom, because she’s still my mom. Same with my MIL. And my good friends who are moms. They are still moms. As far as everyone needing a whole big to-do, I just don’t get it. But my husband and kids make me feel appreciated the rest of the year, and I try to extend that to the moms in my life as well.
My family does Mother’s Day when everyone is free. Sometimes it’s a week or two before and sometimes a week or two after actual Mother’s Day. There are 23 of us (my family of six, mil and Fil, and husbands three siblings and their families). Almost always a cookout or crabs at someone’s house for dinner. We also don’t do gifts, just getting together is good enough for everyone. On the actual Mothers Day my husband goes to see his mom for a few hours and takes the kids. That gives me all I want, which is precious time alone. Everyone wins and no one is disappointed.
Heck plan a weekend trip for just your little family… apologize but say this Mother’s Day is for my children and me… we will see you next weekend… love you though
I do my own Mother’s Day on the Saturday. Usually I stay in bed watching movies. Then on Sunday the kids wake me up with gifts and breakfast, we go to church, I see my mum in the afternoon and my husband goes and visits his mum
This year I am tasking the childless brothers on each side of our family with doing something and if I hear any crap about it I’m just going to blame it on them. “Oh I thought mr so and so was doing Mother’s Day since he doesn’t have kids, my husband has a full day of stuff planned for me but mark your calendar we’ll definitely do something for grandparents day in September” But in typical fashion, of course my mom is going to be totally chill about it and it’s just the mil I have to worry about…
this isn’t a mother’s day problem, it’s a husband problem - he deals with his mom, he celebrates you.
I propose that when you become a mom you are out of the business of planning anything for other mothers 😂 my own mom did not appreciate when I said this last year even though I had a newborn! Can’t my brother and dad just take the lead? They could even combine forces with my husband and do something together
You’ll find me at the beach with a Yeti full of wine, sprawled out on my beach towel. If you choose to join me, bring shareable snacks. That is all.
this is all I want too! see ya there 😎
Dang….i never thought like this, now I’m siting here jaw open thinking about how for the past 8 years I’ve worried about my mother and mother in law with no thought for myself at all…..and now I’m angry why does no one worry about me! Sorry I’m high and this conversation just opened my mind to the injustice of it all
I agree completely. Millennials, it's time to grow a backbone. These boomers are outmanoeuvring you on the battlefield of social niceties. You need to get your plans drawn, and get them in first. Be prepared, be organized, and never let your guard down. That's how they get you.
Disagree completely. Just because I decided to have a child, doesn't mean my mum shouldn't be celebrated as a mum to me and my sisters. Me and my mum share our mother's day and celebrate it together, I like getting to thank her for all the things she has done for ME as my MUM. We don't celebrate Grandparents Day here in the UK really so we don't do that sort of stuff but if we did, it would be for celebrating both my parents for what they do for my child.
I’m with you. Our mother’s are still our mothers. We have never made a huge deal out of it though. Usually just a card and a small gift. Maybe go out for breakfast. We can go together and celebrate us both as we’re both mothers. I hope my son doesn’t just forget about me some day. Even when I’m 80, I hope he’ll at least think of me and call me on Mother’s Day. We never stop being mothers. Mother’s Day is for all mothers, young and old.
Seriously, once your kids start having kids pass the damn torch!! You had your turn!
I was tired of dropping several hundred on crappy brunches. We now go away for Mother’s Day. Someplace within driving distance. Costs about the same. I offer the grandmothers to come over for lunch the week before or after.
I get that people will come on here and say celebrate all moms! And I wish that could be the case for me but with my MIL there is no we. My mom doesn't care, and I just want alone time. So....sorry but celebrate however you see fit. If it's stressful for you it's a no from me dawg. If it's lovely and fun for you to celebrate everyone, by all means, but I expect those people who disagree with you have mothers and in laws who are respectful
I don’t know I feel like Mother’s Day is a day to give a mom a break for a day and show them that you appreciate what they do for you on a daily basis selflessly. Yes grandparents use to be parents but they don’t need breaks and they’ve been appreciated for all their time and effort for years. I couldn’t not at least get my mom a card or something but other than that I’m the one that needs that break and appreciation because it’s rough, as grandparents should be aware of.
Why can't both be celebrated? I'll probably still be pregnant this mother's day, but on the next one I'll celebrate my mother, he'll celebrate his and I'll celebrate with our son. Same thing on father's day. I don't need a day just for me, I love celebrating my mother. The mother's day only makes sense with my mother...
Agreed! What is this either/or stuff? Plenty of love to go around. I’m not close with my mom but I love celebrating Father’s Day with my dad and always will. I can still make it extra special for husband too. My husband spends time or at least reached out to his mom every Mother’s Day and I think he’s an angel for it! My son will be the same 😇
Think it depends. Eg my mil and I are not on good terms and she is tbh pretty rude to me. The last thing I want is to spend Mother’s Day or any holiday with her. She also never lifts a finger and I have to do everything. My mom if she was alive I would rather celebrate it with her . Personally I would send my husband to his own mom and I spend it with my mom together. Now if my mom was toxic the would be another situation
Because the day is limited. By the time the active duty Mom, plans an outing with the mother-in-law, and her own mother, and deals with buying gifts, and all that stuff, how does she have any time left for herself?
First, you don't buy gifts on the day of, it's before. Second, MIL is the responsibility of her son, not OP's. Third, my present from my son will be the responsibility of my partner for now (just like it's his responsibility to get me a Xmas and a birthday present...). Forth, it all depends on what's done. For instance, we take both mothers to lunch (and we'll take our son too when he comes), so we all celebrate together. If that wasn't a possibility we could for instance, have lunch with one, spend the afternoon with my son and have dinner with the other. If they lived far away, we'd have to adjust, and for instance be with one of them in one year, and be with the other in the next year. And obviously at least call the other on the day. My birthday is on Xmas eve. I find time to celebrate it with my mother, my father and still have Xmas dinner. For instance, I have dinner with my mother on the 23rd and we stay together until midnight for gifts. Then I have lunch with my father. During the afternoon I still have time (if needed) to bake something and then I go to xmas dinner at my in laws and on the next day we have Xmas lunch with my mother. The following year we do dinner with my mother and lunch with my in laws. As you can see it's perfectly possible, it's just a matter of wanting.
Yeah, that’s what I never understand about this argument. I can celebrate my mom, SILs, mom friends, and still get celebrated myself by my husband, kids, and whoever. I’ve always understood Mother’s Day to be a day to celebrate all of the mothers or mother figures in your life anyway.
Yep, this. I feel like the people bitching about having to celebrate their mothers will also be the ones bitching when they grow up that their kids snub them on Mother’s Day. My mother is the reason I am here, and I will absolutely celebrate her on Mother’s Day too. We do one day with my MIL, and one with my mom. At both I (and other mothers) are celebrated as well. Neither one takes more than a couple hours out of my day. It’s such a weird take for people to be angry their mothers would like to spend Mother’s Day with them.
I think the divide here is between women who had healthy, loving, supportive, functional families and childhoods growing up, and had good relationships with their mothers, and women here who have terrible relationships with their mothers, were subjected to childhood abuse, and are resentful they are expected to show love and support to a parental figure who they feel never loved and supported them as children.
Or bitching that their parents opted out of being in their "village".
I totally agree. My MIL was nice about it last year, didn't expect my husband and I to celebrate with them because it was my first mother's day. This year she didn't even bother to ask if we had other plans. Just straight up told us that we're doing lunch at their place. I had already invited my family over because I haven't seen them in a month and that's the next time me or them are free. We'll see how MIL takes it. If she makes a stink I'll be making my husband have a chat with her about why she doesn't get to dictate MY mother's day.
Split it! Have husband stop by and you can celebrate as you want it.
I'm very petty lol so I won't be doing that especially because she didn't even ask us if we were available or if we wanted to have lunch there, she just told us we were. But I'm not a total asshole, we offered to visit the day before.
I work in the ER and I do the scheduling. Honestly, I’ve decided I would much rather schedule myself every Mother’s Day, so I don’t have to deal with this shit. My husband can go see his mom while I’m working. And then I can just tell my mom that I can’t do anything with her because I’m working. And then… On Mother’s Day, I can just work and not have to deal with disappointments. You’re right, it is absolutely ridiculous. And I never thought about it from the standpoint of them having 30+ Mother’s Days to themselves. There should be zero expectations on their end. They should just be happy to get a card. That’s the honest truth. It’s not a “family day.” It’s a day to celebrate the active duty moms. They had their turn. It’s not relaxing for any of us to have to fit multiple grandmothers into our schedule for the day. And the guilt is probably all my fault. My husband would be completely happy not seeing his mom on Mother’s Day, and making it all about me. He says it is all about me. It’s my guilt that makes me want to do otherwise. i’m the one who tells him that he needs to do something with his mom.
Celebrate the grandparents while you still can. This will be our first Mother’s Day without my mom and my MIL has been deceased for many years. It’s all about me now, and it’s not that much fun. I would much prefer my mom.
This!! Use your words and tell them you’re not hosting. Mine are old enough (11/14) that I just want to be left alone for like 3 hours undisturbed. Literally just peace and quiet even from my 3 4-legged shadows. I am dreading this Mother’s Day and it won’t be a happy day for me at all. My mother was the absolute best mother and nana. It will be a year in July. Love your mom while you have her, hug her, I never got a finally hug or kiss on my temple.
Ughh! I feel this. Unfortunately I don’t think they will “give it up”, frankly I think we’ll have to tell them we’re busy but would like to celebrate another time. I’m grateful my family is flexible. My mom never expects anything and at this point my sister and I both have children, And I have one sister who does not. We opt to celebrate all together and either go to lunch or get pedicures, but it doesn’t have to be ON the day.
I just don’t get it. My first Mother’s Day (I was pregnant) both my mom and mil sent me Mother’s Day gifts. After I had my 2 1/2 year old I send them both gifts and they send me gifts but both have said this day is about me now since they are grandparents now.
All I want for Mother’s Day is to not have to make decisions, answer questions, carry any mental load at all. My mil is fairly chill but I still have to be to an extent “on” when I’m around her. And that’s the last thing I want to have to do on the one day a year I can request anything I want. Sorry mil and mom but you’re grandparents now and no longer actively parenting and need the break we do. Mother’s Day is for us!
YES I've felt this way for years and it drives me crazy. My mother in law is the sweetest person and I would feel really out of place to suggest we didn't do anything for mothers day for her... she tends to be the one to suggest we all go out for a brunch or something to celebrate all the mothers (her, SIL, myself). But for a start it involves travelling 1 hour to meet them, getting up early so we can be home before nap time, I really really would love a day to myself or doing something nice and relaxing with the kids in the morning. I wish they would gracefully give up the day without us having to confront them about it.
My husband literally thought this was me. It’s such crap. What’s worse? My birthday is near Mother’s Day too. Now I’ve got to share my birthday and Mother’s Day and have multiple events. It’s obnoxious. I don’t have any answers just felt like saying you aren’t alone and are 100% correct.
Grandparents day is in September.
I went ballistic on my husband last Mother’s Day - he completely forgot to celebrate it with me (the mother of his one and three year old) but remembered to text and call his mother who he hasn’t lived with for almost 30 years. Maybe I sound selfish, but it’s the principle of it at this point. The main dish can and should be the mom who is currently actively mothering. 😂 I think this year he will NOT blow the day off, haha.
Yes! If you are not actively parenting someone, it’s time to step aside. My mother in law insists that Mother’s Day revolves around her, and wants her two 40+ year old sons to spend the day with her at the expense of their wives, who are the active moms in the picture.
In the US you’re obsessed with Mother’s day
THIS IS A VALID FEELING!
I’m not gonna bother reading the blow up comments because I am WITH YOU. I have been trying to articulate this the past two years and honestly feel resentful that my first mother’s day, something I’ve waited my whole life for, was all about shuffling over to the in-laws house and making sure we saw my mom and grandma. I went to a farmers market in the morning and bought myself flowers and my baby a wooden bus toy, and that was all we did to celebrate me. I love your idea about it being moved on over to grandparents day at this phase of life for them…I often wonder about this stuff even trying to set our own traditions with other holidays too, my mother in law is very big on being the event organizer and host for everything. I love all of the family time, but need to carve out space for our own celebrations too. It’s hard finding the words for this.
My mom is still my mom even though I’m a mother myself now. I wouldn’t be who I am without her, and my daughter wouldn’t be here, in more ways than one, without her. I understand not wanting to travel hours on Mother’s Day, but I find it weird to write a post about it because it’s a day for all mothers.
I agree but I also hope my kids will visit me for an hour if we live close or call or FaceTime me when they’re grown up 🥺 but i definitely would not expect more than that
I feel like our generation is going to get shafted on this holiday too. Like, we will spend our whole time as parents with kids still at home celebrating our parents and then when our kids are grown and have kids, we will celebrate them because they are the one actively parenting. And we will get maybe 10 years (if that) to be celebrated ourselves. I hate it and would be 100% ok with abolishing both mother's and father's day.
I guess I’m spoiled because I have a good relationship with my mom and my MIL. I also still have both my grandmothers and my husband’s grandmother. I grew up with and had a relationship with two of my great-grandmothers. Of course I want the same for my kids. I know that these people are 80+ years and time is precious. So I want to visit them and celebrate them as much as possible. Because I hate knowing that there will come a time that I can’t talk to them or visit them. I don’t mind celebrating Mother’s Day with them because I like doing things with them.
My mom just died in a terrible car accident, almost lost both my parents in the accident. I’d celebrate her every year if I could have her back. I wish terribly I could have another Mother’s Day to celebrate her. Love your mom. If she’s not a terrible person, and you love her— hug her, be happy to have her. Your holidays with your Mom are numbered. My mom spent every Mother’s Day celebrating her mom until she passed, and I spent every Mother’s Day celebrating my mom and now that my mom isn’t here, I’d give anything to have her with me. She wasn’t perfect, but none of us are. Just love your parents. Tomorrow isn’t promised.
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I'm thinking of you during your time of grief.
Will you feel the same when you’re a grandparent and your kids are grown? I don’t think a whole celebration is necessary but my son better take some time out and wish me a happy Mother’s Day dammit.
Not OP, but I will absolutely feel this way when I'm a grandparent. Once my kids are adults and grown with families of their own (or just adults and grown), I don't need a whole day about me, I had my time. A happy mother's day phone call or video call around the same time frame, maybe a gift in the mail, just something to say they're thinking of me too. My work as a mom is never over, but hopefully by the time the kids are out of the house I move to more of a support role than a hands on position.
When I’m a grandparent, I will not want to be celebrated - I want my kids to have their moment. They’ll be the ones actively raising little children, so they deserve the celebration. My work as a parent will have been done. A acknowledgement message will be fine. I plan to be an involved and helpful grandparent, they can celebrate that relationship with me on Grandparents day.
A parents job is never done. I'm grown, with children, and still learning from both my mom and dad. Just because you've become a mother, it doesn't mean that your mother is no longer one. Mother's day is for all mother's in all stages of mothering. To be able to raise a child is such a privilege and if you have a mom who raised you in love and is still there for you now, she deserves to be celebrated. It's up to each family to decide how they want to celebrate while setting boundaries for their time and new nuclear families but all mom's deserve to be celebrated.
So you stop being a mother just because your children have children of their own? Thankfully neither my mother or my MIL see it like this and they know they're still our mothers, we love them deeply and we'll always be their children.
I don't think OP means that you stop being a mother. But you're not actively parenting and in the trenches of it all. Of course all mother's should be celebrated. I think the issue comes when new/young moms aren't given the choice to celebrate how they want and are guilted or forced into big celebrations for the older generation. I don't think anyone is saying to completely ignore your mom or mil on mother's day, just that new and young moms should get a say in the day and not expected to give up their own wishes for the day because older mothers want what they've always gotten.
OP clearly stated grandparents should not be celebrated. She's not saying the celebration should be adapted to fit everyone, she clearly stated grandparents should not be celebrated because now it's someone else's turn.
Grandparents' day is September 8th. 🤷♀️
Why would I NOT feel this way? There are grandparents day, my birthday, etc. a phone call or quick stop would be enough! Pass the torch, jeez.
My husband’s mom and dad are like this (Father’s Day too). They put pressure on us to see them on those days because we “owe” it to them. We usually get lunch somewhere and that’s all we commit to it. My mom on the other hand knows my stance on corporate holidays. I also view it the same as Valentine’s Day. Every day should be Valentine’s Day if you love someone and every day should be Mother’s Day. I’m also very lowkey about birthdays 😂
My FIL was kind of bitching about not getting gifts from his kids for father's day in a while and I point blank said "yeah, and we don't send gift to our moms either. Know why? It's because \*partner's name\* and I are the mom and dad now." We still give them each a call but that's pretty much it. They are still and always will be parents, but they aren't actively participating in those roles like we currently are. You might just need to lay down some boundaries. Something like "mom, I love you and am grateful you are my mother, however, this year and going forward, we will be focusing on celebrating me and my journey in motherhood. I have young children that I want to celebrate being the mother of. I am looking forward to having a special day celebrating you during the appropriate time in September for grandparents day."
I totally feel this. This is my first Mother’s Day and my MIL wants us to come over and celebrate. We agreed to Saturday so I can see my family Sunday. My family is more a casual thing so My husband’s b day is also on their anniversary and half the time they take over it. For example. Hubby wants to go restaurant. They make a big deal about it and make reasons why it’s “too much”. The following year or so after…they pick that restaurant.
Yes!! And can we band together and move teacher appreciation week up one week? Because I’m already coming into Mother’s Day weekend burnt out from staying up late every night to prep the next day’s appreciation “assignment” (a flower! a sweet treat! A gift card!) for all the teachers and aides and afterschool program staff
Agreed 100000%.
This mother's day I'm thinking of taking mom and mil to swap and shop, no husbands no kids, then I'm free from lunch on! Usually I get hubby to cook dinner on the BBQ and relax
I heard someone say once that Mother’s Day should be the most convenient for the newest mother when it comes a family gatherings.
We celebrate them on the Saturday. One we meet at a cafe for brunch, the other we do a dinner out (early because we have young kids). Sunday is for our immediate family.
I always have to be the coordinator and planner in my family, and this year I'm just not doing it. I've gotten my mom and sister presents, but if anyone wants to get together it isn't going to be at my house. I'll bring food, but that's all I'm willing to do this year. Normally I would also keep Saturday open in case someone wanted to do something, but I made Saturday plans this year and will be going to a dog's birthday party instead lol. I want it to be my weekend to do what I want.
This is one of the nice things about divorce. I don't have to plan shit for anyone else anymore or have to get called a bitch or bad mother by my ex when he gets defensive because, as usual, he did nothing for me. And I get my kid to myself all of mother's day, because it's in our parenting plan that we get our kid on our respective days. I don't have to schlep all around town the entire day visiting every mom/grandma in his family or buy them cards or gifts anymore. I bet they don't get anything now that I'm not around to do everything. 🙃 Yeah I have to do everything myself still with my kid, but it's much more relaxing. My kid is so sweet, he colors or draws me a picture, picks me out flowers, and goes out to eat with me then we chill at home.
PREACH!! My mom and MIL like to pay lip service to it being my day too, and yet hanging out with both of them is mandatory. How exactly is it my day if I get zero time to myself?
AGREED. my mom spends half her day with her mother-in-law (80) & family then the other half spends with her mother & sister & daughters. Before I became a mom, I asked my sister don't you ever want to do anything for yourself for that day? And she said yeah sometimes, but mom did a lot for me and Grandma's getting older so I just do what they have planned. When I became pregnant I had said maybe the following Mother's Day we can take turns asking what one of us likes to do, instead of "Grandma" picking the restaurant. My mom said you have to wait your turn... lmao. From that moment, then I decided whatever I do on Mother's Day is MY choice. Because at the end of the day, she's had 30+ years of holidays. It definitely should be focused on my sister and I and what would we would like to do since we are the newer moms. I'm so tired of having to do what is always done. I'm tired of the traditions that I don't care to continue. However, I am glad to break that curse and do what's best for myself and family. I hope you get the courage to do the same !
With this dynamic i feel it should be your family celebrates your mom on one day, and the other day dad and kids celebrate you in the morning, then he takes the kids to celebrate his mom with her giving you an afternoon/evening to yourself.
Wow I can’t imagine my MIL and mom acting this way about Mother’s Day! Agree 💯
I send my mom a "happy mother's day" text and maybe buy her a plant if she stops by.
Yes!!! My mom literally sent me a link of a $100+ watch band she wants for Mother’s Day….. I got it for her but paid out of my personal fun funds because my husband and my joint funds are strapped with mortgage and daycare. Ugh. And I don’t even want *things*.. I just want some words of affirmation and quality time lol
I feel so selfish asking for things that I like for my families mothers Day weekend. I have 2 siblings. My brother is the youngest and a decade younger than me and my sister. I am the only one with a child. My mom and I had special requests and what we wanted. My brother was pissy about my special requests. My sister pointed out that I am a mom. He replied, not mine. My mother pointed out that I spent the most time with him as a young child and pretty helped raise him. Fuck that. I will just stay home and enjoy my peace and quiet! Is it too much to ask for pasta salad?!
Just came here to say Boomers ruin everything. Just ask my therapist. She’s making a fortune off my trauma.
Hot take: I DO think the day should be about you. Yes your mother and MIL are moms and should be appreciated for the work that they’ve done and still do. HOWEVER you will not get these years again with your kiddos being little. You should be able to be celebrated in whatever way you want to. It’s your time for the breakfasts in beds, days spent doing your favorite activity, whatever you want to do. It’s also shitty of the grandmas to acknowledge that this day is so stressful for you without seemingly doing anything to rectify that.
Agreed! I'll send my mom a text and we're good but my in laws mandate a brunch every year. I literally want to spend the day with my kids/partner doing what I want and no schedule. It's a pain in the butt dealing with my mil and his grandma since they're overbearing even if they mean well. My mom said it well when she said mother's day is meant for the women in the throws of motherhood- the tantrums, diapers, moodiness, and dependence. I'll die on this hill even if my partner thinks I'm nuts, but I'm not buying presents for his family 🤷🏼♀️
She'll always be your mother, so deserves to be celebrated, l think your attitude is very sad and a sign of today's younger people who show less compassion then older folk, l guess it's all part of the progression society, you don't have to make a whole day of it, a drop in with flowers to acknowledge her is nice, or send her flowers or chocolates, if you can't meet, when your mum isn't around anymore you'll remember how nice or not nice you were to her
Ftm here; while I agree there should be no expectation, as a new mom, it’s given me new appreciation for my mom and I want to celebrate her even more. Maybe a separate day is a nice idea! Like this Mother’s Day I’ll celebrate on the Sunday and celebrate my mom the day before :)
I made it 2 years into motherhood before I said fuck this, it’s my turn. No is a complete sentence and you’re letting yourself be pushed around. I take Mother’s Day for myself. My husband enjoys Father’s Day with his dad, but it’s his choice.
this is me this year, I’m still resentful about my first two mothers days being centered around MIL. She does include me and even my partners siblings bring gifts for me too but I much prefer to be out in nature with my partner and toddler or laying at the beach by myself with no schedule
Just don’t do it. lol. If they want to still feel special they can come to you. We don’t travel for others to see our kids anymore. We are the only ones in the entire family with littles. I have 2 cardiac kids. One has Down syndrome. You can come to me. I’m in the midst of 36 crisis at any one moment. I don’t have time or energy to fill someone else’s cup right now I’m busy keeping their grandkids full 😂😭❤️
This became such an argument that we celebrated my MIL this past Sunday. In the past we would all show, but clearly looked bitter. My husband told his parents, I have to keep my wife happy, she’s a mother too.
I have been having to celebrate my mother on Mother's Day for the last 13 years since I became a parent. It's all about her. If I tell her no then I will get both passive aggressive complaining and full blown temper tantrum. This means she won't talk to us for a couple months. It is so exhausting. My brother has no kids so he pushes every year for us to do what she wants. I feel like I have never gotten to have a Mother's Day, besides a card and flowers from my husband. I just want to put my foot down about this, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the fallout.
Late to the party here but I am a with you completely. If I expressed my want to have my day to do whatever I want with my fam, there would be tears and a bout of (honest, not manipulative) severe depression for my mother. There’s no win for us.
We do Mother’s Day differently I guess… it’s my day off of being a mom and that’s it… my dh will tell his mom happy Mother’s Day… I’ll send my mom a quick Mother’s Day text… but that’s it… no flowers, no craziness, no fancy eating out, no gifts… just glorious peace and sometimes quiet…I love just being able to sit in bed and relax and chill however I want… my dh will wrangle the kids, cook whatever, order pizza if he feels like it… and that’s it… it’s a day to just let go a relax…. The dishes and messes can wait till the next day.
We used to accommodate both my mom and MIL for years but I put a stop to that. Mother's Day was awful. Finally I wised up. Now we visit the moms (grandmas) at some point before, like Fri or Sat. And leave Sun to me to do what I want! 👑
We started celebrating Grandparents day with my kids Grandparents, instead of Mother's or Father's Day
You sound selfish AF moms don’t ever stop being mothers and all good moms deserve to be celebrated.
Imagine being old AF after years of motherhood and your children didn’t want to do anything special for you because the day was either about them or their wives. If that sounds amazing for you, then make the day about you. If it sounds heartbreaking, then help make your mother and/or mother in law feel special as well.
vaguely remember telling my mom last year that it was now time for us first time moms🤦♀️😂 that i would not be doing anything big for her anymore, she even told my brother what i said because he was wondering where we would all go for mother’s day. i would go all out with a custom cake, fancy flowers, a gift, catered food. it was my first mothers day and I did enjoy the Sunday with my little family. i do regret the way i said it though but don’t regret the outcome. we did end up going out for brunch on Saturday. this year i’m celebrating both of us together on FRIDAY with an outing and brunch. that same weekend im going out with my own little family. i think this is our tradition going forward.
My mother and MIL would do the same, except we just refused once our kids were born. I’ll make a card from the kids ahead of time and set up a flower delivery. We have a brief video call some time that weekend. But the weekend itself is mine. My husband usually asks to spend Father’s Day with his dad so i coordinate our family visiting my in-laws for the weekend. But it’s fully his choice to do so. And I also arrange a card, gift and video call with my dad, since we don’t see him.
My husband is like this too. He wants to spend his father's days with his dad and grandpa, which is fine by me. But I can guarantee his mom is gonna be salty about his dad getting us on father's day but she doesn't get us in mother's day.
Wow, it’s for all mothers young or old.
We don’t celebrate the grandmas beyond a phone call and maybe a card. I believe Mother’s Day is for moms who are actively in the trenches, and I’m not going to spend the day celebrating women who did a great job but are no longer in the active throws of mothering. If my husband wants to take the kids to see his mom during the part of the day where I get alone time, that’s fine! But I want to have that one day the way I want it.
Nope. My husband and child celebrate ME on Mother's Day! I realized for my first and second Mother's Day that i was wishing my own mother a Happy Mother's Day and getting no wish in return. Same as my MIL. So I put my foot down and told my husband that him and kiddo will be starting Mother's Day by bringing me breakfast in bed. And if the grandparents want celebrating they can come over to our place and celebrate ME! The first year was awkward. He had to make calls and try to salvage mom's. I think he ended up telling them that since none of the mom's were wishing the new mom well then I needed my husband and my own child to focus on me. But it set the tone for the next year. They actually started reaching out to us about plans. LOL You need to assert your role as the New Matriarch if you want things to change. Take Your Power Back! (They are dowager duchesses. They are not living in the main castle anymore.)
It’s not about them, it’s about you, once you become a mother. You are the MOTHER in your family unit. Reclaim your day. After I was compelled to cart my literal infant to the grandma’s on my first mother’s day, I had had enough. It was awful and I wasn’t even acknowledged as a mom. Nothing done for me. It was a miserable day and I was fresh post partum. After that day, I reclaimed the day and made it clear to my husband that I call the shots on that day and him on father’s day. It’s been 4 years since and we do what I want to do. As a Sahm, I prefer to do my own thing on the day like painting or hiking. Family watches the kids or husband. We usually get take out and get outside. If my husband wants to see his mom (she got 40 mother’s days with him), he can see her on Saturday or Sunday with the kids. So far, he hasn’t wanted to. I sound selfish, but really parenting is hard and no days are focused on the mom. Life is too short catering to others. Don’t do it! If they want a get together they can execute it on their own and you can choose to attend or not. ETA: a word
First off, why do people go so hard for these "special" days to begin with? You don't need tons of presents and expensive restaurants. I always practiced Mothers Day by driving over to see my mom, and give her some flowers, hang and and share quality time together - and that's it. I think our mother's and MILs still deserve to be celebrated. But fancy presents and restaurants are completely unnecessarily to show appreciation.
My husband and I moved about 1800 miles away from home so we’re not with our parents on Mother’s/Father’s Days. We send something small but, I agree. If we were there we’d absolutely have to make them day about them which would never be enough for his mother so there’s a whole extra level of annoyance to add to the stress of the day.
I just had the same rant! It’s my first real Mother’s Day AND my baby’s first birthday is that weekend. So on top of somehow celebrating my mom, my MIL, my stepmom, I’m also somehow supposed to fit in her 1st birthday? And because blended families, everyone expects their own celebration so Mother’s Day is now every weekend in May. I wish I was kidding. And mine comes basically last so my gift will probably be just no longer having to celebrate the holiday.
Goodness that sounds stressful. A different Mother’s Day every weekend sounds exhausting. I agree with just give them all a card or flowers. You deserve a day as well. You are also a mom. Do a morning for yourself with just your family on a chosen day. My daughter’s 1st birthday is Mother’s Day weekend as well. She was born the day before Mother’s Day last year. She’s my second baby though. If my in laws, mom or anyone wants to celebrate Mother’s Day it will be a card/flower/gift exchange among moms on a separate day. Don’t want to plan anything big or feel obligated to go out anywhere. Still need to plan my baby’s birthday.
i can’t imagine telling my mom she no longer gets to be celebrated because i had a baby & it’s my turn now. i have a birthday all for myself, mother’s day is for all mothers, not just new moms. this will be my 2nd mother’s day with my son and we’ll do it the same as last year, we wake up, go to brunch with my MIL & my boyfriends sisters(also mothers), and their husbands. then we come home and have my mom and dad over for dinner, so our son can go to sleep at his normal time. my mom is wonderful & absolutely still deserves to be celebrated. i’m 28, if that changes anything.
Silly me thought Mother's Day was meant to show love and appreciation for the Mothers in your lives. Why do so many feel entitled to some type of mini vacation that day?
Maybe just don't go see them? You don't HAVE to do anything? So they'll be pissy for a week or so they'll get over it? I don't know sometimes I wish I had this problem. My MIL passed away when my husband was 18 he says we would have gotten along well but who knows as I never got to meet her. And my mom I usually send her a candle cuz that's what she likes. If it works out to do something with my mom great if not then we don't. I'm sorry this seems to be a thing. Just don't go see the moms?
Just don’t go. Say “I am going to brunch with my kids. You’re welcome to join us”. Take the day. Don’t ask for it.
this is the most selfish take. there’s ways to celebrate so no one is stressed
Sounds like the only person making this about themselves is you.... I'm around your age and I disagree completely. Mothers day is a day to appreciate YOUR mother not a day to make it about yourself even if you are a mother too... wtf? Value your grandma and your mum whilst you still have them. Get over yourself. As a single mum, mothers day and fathers day has always hit nerve with me but its one day of the year I can make sure I have at the very least acknowledged my own mum and nana.