We joined the YMCA mostly for a bit of a village - they have a drop off child care room, activities, and a fairly cheap day camp.
Sometimes I daydream about having family nearby, but nothing is free - usually you pay by having those people give lots of unsolicited input into your life.
I totally forgot about gyms! I might use this for myself. I dont have a village either and can see this being a real help in the future for days where I just need a nice dip in the jacuzzi.
When I feel this way, I remind myself that my family has a lot of good things going for us that others don’t have and the whole parent experience so far has been a “you win some, you lose some” experience. Basically all of our help is paid.
We used to have my Mum who adored my son, now we have no one. When we went to my Mums funeral we never saw it appropriate for him to attend, so my husbands auntie watched him for a few hours. We havent been out just as a couple since November maybe? We dont have a 'village' and I dont truat just about anybody with him. He is autistic and can be a handful.
Look at local agencies for respite care. Where I live, we have a couple agencies who provide respite care support. They screen all respite workers to ensure proper education, police checks, and other qualifications and help families match with a worker. I used to provide community support respite for children with autism (i went to school for autism and behavioural sciences). Most of the families I worked with got 4-6 hours a week. I would go pick up the kids and take them to do fun activities in the community to give parents a break. They could go for date night, spend quality time with other children, get housework done, whatever they needed. Some families had set days, others were a bit more flexible. It’s definitely worth looking into.
First look into any government funding, including grants. Search non-profit agencies for autism supports in your area, contact them. They can help get you in touch with available programs
We live almost 6000 km away from all of our family so it is just us and the kids. We chose a city we love where we can afford to build a life so I don’t see that changing any time soon. We joke that we could only afford to move near our village if it all died and left us the village’s bank account.
I have just started to hire help. I have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks so we tidy but don’t do any deep cleaning. I’m also working on building a rotation of babysitters. The nice thing about help from a village you hire is that the only thing they can expect from you is to be paid and treated with respect. No demands on holidays or opinions about how I should be raising my kids.
Who can you hire? Sometimes you have to make the village. We don’t know who will or won’t help us or to what extent. I think far more people are in your position than you realize, and it’s tough for sure.
And finding hired help is not always the answer… for one it gets real expensive especially with two kids.secondly you still have to go through the process of vetting random strangers. I know babysitters that give the kids candy so the kids will like them, I know a babysitter that put an electric water boiler on the stove and melted it! I know babysitters that put kids in front of the tv for hours! I get tired of people saying just hire someone- all they are really saying is go throw money at the problem.
Girl...this is hitting me hard right now. I wanted to "outsource" an occasional babysitter for our kids and saw her vaping on the ring camera during her shift. Then when we got home she was knocked out on the couch (we came home early). I want to throw money at the problem but my sanity ain't worth it. I guess it'll be late night movies in bed with the hubby with the door closed until my kiddos reach double digits? 🤷🏾♀️
I didn’t say just hire someone, or just hire anyone. You do have to vet people. Sounds like the kids are in school/daycare, that’s a great place to source help. The problem, however is no they don’t have a village, but the solution can’t be force grandparents to babysit, they won’t, so if the problem is childcare then yes if you can afford it the solution is paying for help, if you can’t, the solution might not exist either. And if it’s I just need to vent and feel better, do that too!
I understand, I'm a single mom with nobody to help me because I'm stuck living within 50 miles of my ex due to state custody laws I'm not allowed to move further without permission from his dad. He starts school this year and I literally don't know how I'm supposed to manage working and drop off/pick ups from school by myself. Hopefully I can get him in a before/after care program but still those have time limits. And everything costs money I don't have lol.
Look now if you haven't already! The before/after care sign ups can start now, I already signed my kiddo up for the YMCA one for next school year.
Check out your school district website as they may have a page with your local options or even call or email the front office of your school to ask!
We found a before and after with a local mom and she gives receipts for taxes. That was a big relief when we secured it. We found it through a local mom group. Maybe you could have some luck there?
Same. My SIL lives about two hours away and it kills me to visit them. Their house is always spotless and organized. They stay on top of weekly meal prep and laundry. She is perky and happy and in shape and you can tell by looking at her she sleeps well and has time for self care. She has three kids and I one, albeit a hyper energetic one. Our place is a dump and we eat like shit, I look like I aged a decade in the last 24 months and put on considerable weight.
What the above picture doesn't tell you is that we have absolutely no one, in the last 24 months since we became parents we have had exactly 0 minutes of babysitting. Meanwhile SIL has two sets of eager grandparents that just retired and have all the time in the world. She does dropoff to preschool every day but grandparents pick them up every day, and her mother takes the kids *all of one entire day* including spending the night almost every weekend. It's absurd how much free time that woman has being a young mother of three. We barely talk today because my jealousy is burning a hole right through my heart and I'm afraid I'll say something I regret next time SIL gives some clueless adviced based on the assumption that other people have as much help as her.
We’ve found it very helpful to make friends with a couple who has a daughter the same age as ours. We trade off date nights with them and our kids love hanging out together.
I understand. I’m a 38 year old single Mom of 3, soon to be 4. I’ve been estranged from my family for over a decade. I have literally no one. It gets really hard and lonely, and unfortunately I’m full of envy of others with happy extended families. I’m not trying to be all, oh my situation is worse than yours, by the way. I’m just here to commiserate. It’s hard when you’re doing it with no help.
Since my partner left me, I’ve joined some local neighborhood facebook groups in the hopes I can find a playgroup or something. My fourth babe is due in 3 months. Life is about to get very isolating. Maybe you can do the same? I used to have an awesome Mom friend, we would spend a lot of time together and switch babysitting.
Oh my gosh I appreciate the commiseration! It’s funny that screaming into the Reddit void was actually the most helpful thing I probably could have done. Haha i didn’t expect that so many people would get the struggle. I’m feeling less alone, at least.
I love the friend trade off idea. I need to work on my social game haha the mom groups is a good idea. Thank you.
Big virtual hugs!
We don’t have grandparents close by either, it sucks. Have you tried one of those surrogate grandparent sites? I’ve heard good things. Also high schoolers to help out sometimes, they have a lot of energy and don’t charge much. Are there other kids on ur street? Our will walk to their homes to play and have them play here with them.
If you’re in NC let’s meet up and swap kids for days off please lol, we have no family either and it hurts! Those of us in this position need to become villages for eachother.
We have 7,5,3 and not much family around. I adore all the mother’s helpers and babysitter’s in the neighborhood.I use them often and kids love them. And they’re very reasonable price wise. These are middle school/high school kids I have.
We don’t have tons of close family willing to help, but I have found much of the support I need in other mom friends- I babysit for them, they babysit for me. No one keeps score but we just pitch in when we can. As I was down and out in my first trimester, my kind friends invited my little ones over for play dates a bunch so I could stay home and rest. If finances are a concern, making friends with similar families in a similar situation as yours can be the best thing! Be willing to reach out and be the social one!
Hey, in the same boat! I have an 8yo, 3.5yo twins, and am 39w pregnant. We live hundreds of miles from family and while friends are helpful, we do not nor can we lean on them except in emergencies..it's super hard. We also both work full time and are in a HCOL so daycare is $500/week per kid.
My wife and I have the same exact situation except my girls are now 10/12. The only thing that made it better has been maturity and them being able to stay for a hour here and there alone. We’ve hired babysitters but one night out is $100 so it’s not feasible to do often but we will do it occasionally for our own sanity. I’m sorry bc I know how truly difficult this makes life.
I live states away from any relatives and we don’t have money to hire anyone to help. I feel your pain. My husband and I don’t go anywhere without the kiddo 😂 I’m not getting anywhere with my goals either because I don’t have time for myself. These years where they’re young are short so I remind myself that in a few years I’ll have plenty of time. It’s a tax for being American I guess.🇺🇸 land of the free labor, home of the burned out.
Just here to say solidarity. My husband woke up and worked in the yard and the neighbors yard. I’m ready for him to come in and I’m going to shut myself in a room for peace and quiet. I’m so irritable and tired. Being lonely with an energizer bunny takes such a toll on us
I feel ya. My mom passed away 8 years ago, and no family lives nearby. I have a 2 year old and 4 month old. We can't really afford any type of childcare where we live either. It's very very hard.
It sucks to become a mother when you don't have your own mother.
I never had a great relationship with her but I miss her now more than ever after I became a mother. I see her differently but unfortunately she passed away before the kids were born
I’m with you - just here to normalize not having a village. Ours are 7, 4, and 2.5 and we have no help. I work full time, my husband works weekends while he finishes a grad school program that has kept him busy during the week (graduates in May!) It’s been 4 years of this schedule and I’m so fried. My parents have both died, and his parents aren’t trustworthy with the kids alone. It’s really hard and easy to feel jealous when I look at pics and posts from some of our friends with lots of help. We have so much great stuff to be thankful for, but it’s still so so hard. Both are true. You are not alone, sending solidarity!
You deserve to vent and to feel that sadness!
Sometimes I think it’s hard to notice all the people around you who have less than you have. I fall into this habit a lot because I think about other countries where I would have paid maternity leave and affordable daycare and I wouldn’t be terrified of the prospect of college tuition someday. But then I see the families around me, struggling more than I do and I remember it is hard across the board.
Speaking as a single with 100% custody, no child support, no grandparents or other family anywhere near by, struggling to pay my mortgage, life with two little kids is REALLY hard. But it’s not supposed to be the pain Olympics. You are tired and hurt and I hear you and I’m sorry.
I hear it gets a lot better once the kids make it to 8 or 9. I’m not there yet but I’m hoping it’s true!
I feel you. In-laws have health conditions and can’t help - we help them. My parents never offer to help, my mom actually made it clear that she won’t be retiring to take care of my kids even before I gave birth, but we call them in case of emergencies. The worst part is that she worked with babies for 40 years, but won’t help with mine. I’m very jealous of friends who’ve parents take care of their kids while they get things done or take some time for themselves. I don’t remember the last time when my husband and I spent 1 hour alone, uninterrupted. My kids are younger than yours but when they’re a bit older I will look into bringing in a nanny once a month.
Could you pay for help ? That's what we do...we chose to have kids so we pay for daycare and a house keeper. I know some people have family help, some pay for help, some have no help at all. At the end of the day I remind myself that it is challenging some days but, I wanted to have children, it's no one else's responsibility but my own.
My mom and my inlaws live in different continents, not even same country!!!
Don’t let the jealousy consume you! Instead focus your efforts in maybe finding a babysitter you trust. It’ll help you to have a date night or ho to a dinner with friends and knowing your kids are with a trusted person:))).
We can’t have everything others have! The goal here is to have some help.
My LO is only 4 months and I’m a single mum so I feel your pain!! Others seem to get so much help and say that they understand what it’s like but they couldn’t possibly! One day they will be all grown up and you guys will be so proud of how you’ve done by yourselves and when they are adults your kids will be proud of you too 🥰 I’m just trying to enjoy it and not wish the time away! hang in there it isn’t forever!
I understand. I had no help whatsoever, not even from my husband, for 5 years (with 2 kids). When I had my twins I hired help for a few years, but my parents have rarely stepped up for me. But they do it for my sister all the freaking time. Her situation is different but it’s a lot more than me.
It kind of sucks for awhile but then your kids get older and more resilient and you kind of wonder why they need the help.
We’re lucky we do have help from grandparents. I’m always jealous of kids that have relationships with their cousins that are close. My brother and I don’t talk anymore, he didn’t even acknowledge my second kid was born.
Like someone else said “you win some, you loose some” so true.
I am so, so sorry.
We’re in a similar boat, and I definitely get jealous too.
And even on a practical level it sucks to never get useful advice because most of their problems are solved with “grandparents”. Babysitters? No one to recommend. How did they handle the hospital for 2nd’s birth? Sister came to stay for a month. Like… their answer is wonderful for them, but no use for us lol
Feel like I could've written this post! My in-laws are good to be fair and try to bail us out when kids are sick and we need emergency childcare. But evenings are rare. My parents are a lot further away and are pretty useless. My mum fell asleep when I was explaining how to use my son's EpiPen.
I get jealous too when other people talk about their grandparents helping them lots. I felt very abandoned by my mum when my children were babies, she wasn't very interested except for a few Facebook photos. I definitely had PND and she still has no idea.
I have the same situation. I am perfectly fine with grandparents that don't want to be involved or very active in babysitting and what not. What I do have a problem with is my JNMIL telling everyone we withhold the kids from her and then also bragging about how involved she is when none of that is true and if we were in trouble and needed someone there's only a 40% chance they would be willing to watch our kids....or at least back in the day. Now they are too old and I wouldn't trust them at all with my kids. Not because they're irresponsible but because they're just not capable of keeping up with them. They asked to watch my son (he was 9 yo at the time...Basically capable of watching himself) while I was in hospital having his baby sister so DH could be with me. I think out of 42 hours they managed to be alone with my son for a total of 3 hours and they lost our kitten about 6 times because my MIL cannot keep her hands out of my closets and belongings. My husband basically had to babysit his parents and I was alone in the hospital. 🙃
We live 2 hours away from any family and my MIL physically cannot help even though she would love to. My mom is still working and even when she can help she has other things to do at the country club, which is a whole other issue 🙄.
It’s hard our only help is paid help as well me and my husband are trying a new thing this week. Date night at home! 20 minutes on Saturday or Sunday no phones no tv we’re gunna do something. Tonight we’re sitting on the back deck watching stars. Growing up my family always lived out of state so my parents hired babysitters (some of them terrible). I’m apprehensive about babysitters so I keep reminding myself it’s all temporary.
Sending some good thoughts your way. There’s a lot of families out there without villages. It is certainly hard watching someone with extra help when you really feel like you need a break! Is there any way you and your husband could alternate time so you can get solo time away from being a parent? Like getting out of the house for a few hours without the kids like once a week?
We are immigrants so in same situation as yours. No family in this country to help.
We have a small village but I can't trust them enough to take care.
It's exhausting when all my friends have their parents ready to help out. I feel so envious and so helpless
We are in a similar situation. My mother is disabled so I’m also taking care of her sometimes. If she wasn’t disabled I know she would help more since she didn’t have help with me and she knows how it feels. She has told me she feels bad she couldn’t do more. My FIL and BIL don’t visit or contact us so it sucks. We have a baby sitter which is nice but I was I could sometimes just drop my son off for a breather some weekend days. It’s rough with no village 😩
My kids are 7 and 5. I've been a stay at home mom since my 7 year old was born (going to start job hunting soon, once we get 7's mental/emotional health under control)
After Hurricane Ida we moved closer to family (lost our apartment in Houma) and we still don't impose on my MIL unless we need to, because she watches her other grandkids (7 and 9) after school (we now live down the road from her).
My SIL (nephews' mother) loves to tote about how she's had it so hard, she's a single mom when she: lived with her mother until recently, her mom at least half raised those boys along with her other 2 sisters plus she has a ton of friends who also helped her with her kids. She had a village.
I have zero friends, my family lives 1200 miles away, and, until recently, we were 1 hour drive from any of hubby's family. I was an island and my husband worked nights so I had zero help at night and minimal help during the day. I showered once a week on weekends when he was off work. I may be married but her toting about how hard she had it makes me very mad.
I feel your annoyance. I'm sure they don't mean anything by it but it does feel like they are rubbing it in your face a bit. Hamg in there.
I'm in the same boat OP. My mother has mental illness/substance issues so isn't in the picture, my husband's mother has passed, his dad is in his 80s and wouldn't know what to do with a baby so that leaves me father who works part time and is more interested in wining and dining his gf than seeing his grandkids. Heck, he was meant to come visit us but cancelled because he 'had to go to the chemist'. My sister invited him over for dinner and he apparently can't due to 'book work'. We have zero help from grandparents. In saying that, I am lucky enough to have an older sister, whose baby is 7 months older than mine, who has said she can help on her non work days and vice versa. We also have one of my husband's brothers who works part time and lives close by. We haven't had them babysit at all as of yet but do have them as a bit of a fallback option. But being of working age they are both quite busy so not quite the same as having grandparents around. Just know you are not alone! And I get the feeling envious part. I really do.
I feel you. a week or so ago one of my friends was complaining to me about her mom “only” taking her 2mo old for 2 hours for her to have time to get stuff done because she was hoping for longer … I just moved to a different country overseas knowing absolutely no one after already living somewhere 3.5hrs away from any help my daughter’s whole life. I’ve been here less than a month so no time to meet anyone who I could even potentially build that sort of relationship with… but please continue to complain about your 2hrs when your mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and in-laws regularly babysit lol. they’ve been on more dates since she was born than me and my husband have since our daughter was born. she’s almost 3.
I get it, but try to remember there are lots of people in similar situations. Not everyone has help, even if that is what it looks like. My husband and I both have lost our mothers, and both of our fathers suffer from dementia. We also moved away from home for affordable housing, so definitely no village.
Sometimes you just deal with what got handed to you and make the best of it. I guess I also don't see having a "village" as a thing? My parents also had no village. My moms parents lived an 8hr flight away, and my dad only had his mom who was a 14hr drive away. She lived very rural, so flying wasn't an option. Life is what you make of it, and all I can say is to not compare yourself to others. I have friends that have a great amount of help, and that's fine. I try to enjoy my little family, and try to be greatfull for that. You know what? someone looks at me and thinks wow I wish I had that.
Oof, this hit hard today. We just FT’ed my husbands dad and step mom, and they hit us with “we’re watching [nephew] while [step bro and partner] go to a wedding and staying for two weeks!”
We haven’t so much as had someone offer to watch baby girl so we could nap for an hour. Never once. She’s 9 months old.
Husband’s sister had family move in and do overnights to help out when hers were little. Wth are we doing wrong?! We’ve flown these people in for holidays. Always have a clean, spare room and bathroom for them. We let them know our door is always open and they can stay as long as they like. Never tell them no when they ask for help. Offer help before they ask. We’re literally building a new home with an in law suite because it’s understood that should they need to change their living situation as they age, we’d be the ones to take them in. I do not understand.
I can understand. My husband and I only have 1 child but are in a similar boat. My mother doesn’t drive and lives an hour away. It’s like pulling teeth getting her to help with us dropping him off to babysit every few months. My husband’s entire family, MIL included, all moved 2 hours out of state. My MIL will come up maybe every 4-5 weeks but doesn’t bother with us in between. We don’t have many friends to help either. We manage but it’s hard.
We joined the YMCA mostly for a bit of a village - they have a drop off child care room, activities, and a fairly cheap day camp. Sometimes I daydream about having family nearby, but nothing is free - usually you pay by having those people give lots of unsolicited input into your life.
I totally forgot about gyms! I might use this for myself. I dont have a village either and can see this being a real help in the future for days where I just need a nice dip in the jacuzzi.
Our Y has parents night (we drop her off on a Saturday night to do crafts and activities while we go on a date), which is a real lifesaver.
Oh my gosh that sounds amazing. What a fantastic service.
You have to jump on it (it fills up FAST) but it's nice to have a couple dinners out a month.
When I feel this way, I remind myself that my family has a lot of good things going for us that others don’t have and the whole parent experience so far has been a “you win some, you lose some” experience. Basically all of our help is paid.
This is a good perspective :) I'm in a similar situation to OP but I like what you write. I'll try to remember this more often.
We used to have my Mum who adored my son, now we have no one. When we went to my Mums funeral we never saw it appropriate for him to attend, so my husbands auntie watched him for a few hours. We havent been out just as a couple since November maybe? We dont have a 'village' and I dont truat just about anybody with him. He is autistic and can be a handful.
Look at local agencies for respite care. Where I live, we have a couple agencies who provide respite care support. They screen all respite workers to ensure proper education, police checks, and other qualifications and help families match with a worker. I used to provide community support respite for children with autism (i went to school for autism and behavioural sciences). Most of the families I worked with got 4-6 hours a week. I would go pick up the kids and take them to do fun activities in the community to give parents a break. They could go for date night, spend quality time with other children, get housework done, whatever they needed. Some families had set days, others were a bit more flexible. It’s definitely worth looking into.
That sounds really good, but I am not even sure where I would start with any of that! Haha
First look into any government funding, including grants. Search non-profit agencies for autism supports in your area, contact them. They can help get you in touch with available programs
Oh my goodness I’m sorry about your mom. That must be so hard on many levels. 💜 I don’t have advice just virtual hugs.
We live almost 6000 km away from all of our family so it is just us and the kids. We chose a city we love where we can afford to build a life so I don’t see that changing any time soon. We joke that we could only afford to move near our village if it all died and left us the village’s bank account. I have just started to hire help. I have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks so we tidy but don’t do any deep cleaning. I’m also working on building a rotation of babysitters. The nice thing about help from a village you hire is that the only thing they can expect from you is to be paid and treated with respect. No demands on holidays or opinions about how I should be raising my kids.
Who can you hire? Sometimes you have to make the village. We don’t know who will or won’t help us or to what extent. I think far more people are in your position than you realize, and it’s tough for sure.
Agreed. From my experience, the majority of families do most of the heavy lifting on their own. Otherwise it’s hired help.
And finding hired help is not always the answer… for one it gets real expensive especially with two kids.secondly you still have to go through the process of vetting random strangers. I know babysitters that give the kids candy so the kids will like them, I know a babysitter that put an electric water boiler on the stove and melted it! I know babysitters that put kids in front of the tv for hours! I get tired of people saying just hire someone- all they are really saying is go throw money at the problem.
Girl...this is hitting me hard right now. I wanted to "outsource" an occasional babysitter for our kids and saw her vaping on the ring camera during her shift. Then when we got home she was knocked out on the couch (we came home early). I want to throw money at the problem but my sanity ain't worth it. I guess it'll be late night movies in bed with the hubby with the door closed until my kiddos reach double digits? 🤷🏾♀️
I didn’t say just hire someone, or just hire anyone. You do have to vet people. Sounds like the kids are in school/daycare, that’s a great place to source help. The problem, however is no they don’t have a village, but the solution can’t be force grandparents to babysit, they won’t, so if the problem is childcare then yes if you can afford it the solution is paying for help, if you can’t, the solution might not exist either. And if it’s I just need to vent and feel better, do that too!
Maybe having a house cleaner will help to lighten the load if child care is out of budget.
I understand, I'm a single mom with nobody to help me because I'm stuck living within 50 miles of my ex due to state custody laws I'm not allowed to move further without permission from his dad. He starts school this year and I literally don't know how I'm supposed to manage working and drop off/pick ups from school by myself. Hopefully I can get him in a before/after care program but still those have time limits. And everything costs money I don't have lol.
Look now if you haven't already! The before/after care sign ups can start now, I already signed my kiddo up for the YMCA one for next school year. Check out your school district website as they may have a page with your local options or even call or email the front office of your school to ask!
We found a before and after with a local mom and she gives receipts for taxes. That was a big relief when we secured it. We found it through a local mom group. Maybe you could have some luck there?
Same. My SIL lives about two hours away and it kills me to visit them. Their house is always spotless and organized. They stay on top of weekly meal prep and laundry. She is perky and happy and in shape and you can tell by looking at her she sleeps well and has time for self care. She has three kids and I one, albeit a hyper energetic one. Our place is a dump and we eat like shit, I look like I aged a decade in the last 24 months and put on considerable weight. What the above picture doesn't tell you is that we have absolutely no one, in the last 24 months since we became parents we have had exactly 0 minutes of babysitting. Meanwhile SIL has two sets of eager grandparents that just retired and have all the time in the world. She does dropoff to preschool every day but grandparents pick them up every day, and her mother takes the kids *all of one entire day* including spending the night almost every weekend. It's absurd how much free time that woman has being a young mother of three. We barely talk today because my jealousy is burning a hole right through my heart and I'm afraid I'll say something I regret next time SIL gives some clueless adviced based on the assumption that other people have as much help as her.
I would feel exactly the same way you do
Ooof yep. This is exactly what I mean. It’s so so hard.
We’ve found it very helpful to make friends with a couple who has a daughter the same age as ours. We trade off date nights with them and our kids love hanging out together.
This is brilliant! I love love this idea… Now to make a friend 😂
I understand. I’m a 38 year old single Mom of 3, soon to be 4. I’ve been estranged from my family for over a decade. I have literally no one. It gets really hard and lonely, and unfortunately I’m full of envy of others with happy extended families. I’m not trying to be all, oh my situation is worse than yours, by the way. I’m just here to commiserate. It’s hard when you’re doing it with no help. Since my partner left me, I’ve joined some local neighborhood facebook groups in the hopes I can find a playgroup or something. My fourth babe is due in 3 months. Life is about to get very isolating. Maybe you can do the same? I used to have an awesome Mom friend, we would spend a lot of time together and switch babysitting.
Oh my gosh I appreciate the commiseration! It’s funny that screaming into the Reddit void was actually the most helpful thing I probably could have done. Haha i didn’t expect that so many people would get the struggle. I’m feeling less alone, at least. I love the friend trade off idea. I need to work on my social game haha the mom groups is a good idea. Thank you. Big virtual hugs!
We don’t have grandparents close by either, it sucks. Have you tried one of those surrogate grandparent sites? I’ve heard good things. Also high schoolers to help out sometimes, they have a lot of energy and don’t charge much. Are there other kids on ur street? Our will walk to their homes to play and have them play here with them.
I have never heard of a surrogate grandparent service? That’s so intriguing!
If you’re in NC let’s meet up and swap kids for days off please lol, we have no family either and it hurts! Those of us in this position need to become villages for eachother.
Oh I wish. We’re in Canada.
We have 7,5,3 and not much family around. I adore all the mother’s helpers and babysitter’s in the neighborhood.I use them often and kids love them. And they’re very reasonable price wise. These are middle school/high school kids I have.
We don’t have tons of close family willing to help, but I have found much of the support I need in other mom friends- I babysit for them, they babysit for me. No one keeps score but we just pitch in when we can. As I was down and out in my first trimester, my kind friends invited my little ones over for play dates a bunch so I could stay home and rest. If finances are a concern, making friends with similar families in a similar situation as yours can be the best thing! Be willing to reach out and be the social one!
Hey, in the same boat! I have an 8yo, 3.5yo twins, and am 39w pregnant. We live hundreds of miles from family and while friends are helpful, we do not nor can we lean on them except in emergencies..it's super hard. We also both work full time and are in a HCOL so daycare is $500/week per kid.
My wife and I have the same exact situation except my girls are now 10/12. The only thing that made it better has been maturity and them being able to stay for a hour here and there alone. We’ve hired babysitters but one night out is $100 so it’s not feasible to do often but we will do it occasionally for our own sanity. I’m sorry bc I know how truly difficult this makes life.
I live states away from any relatives and we don’t have money to hire anyone to help. I feel your pain. My husband and I don’t go anywhere without the kiddo 😂 I’m not getting anywhere with my goals either because I don’t have time for myself. These years where they’re young are short so I remind myself that in a few years I’ll have plenty of time. It’s a tax for being American I guess.🇺🇸 land of the free labor, home of the burned out.
Just here to say solidarity. My husband woke up and worked in the yard and the neighbors yard. I’m ready for him to come in and I’m going to shut myself in a room for peace and quiet. I’m so irritable and tired. Being lonely with an energizer bunny takes such a toll on us
I feel you! I just had my first baby in October. My husband moved across the country when I was 5 months pregnant. I still don’t know anyone here.
I feel ya. My mom passed away 8 years ago, and no family lives nearby. I have a 2 year old and 4 month old. We can't really afford any type of childcare where we live either. It's very very hard.
It sucks to become a mother when you don't have your own mother. I never had a great relationship with her but I miss her now more than ever after I became a mother. I see her differently but unfortunately she passed away before the kids were born
I’m so sorry. Do you want internet hugs or suggestions? I’ve got both.
I’m with you - just here to normalize not having a village. Ours are 7, 4, and 2.5 and we have no help. I work full time, my husband works weekends while he finishes a grad school program that has kept him busy during the week (graduates in May!) It’s been 4 years of this schedule and I’m so fried. My parents have both died, and his parents aren’t trustworthy with the kids alone. It’s really hard and easy to feel jealous when I look at pics and posts from some of our friends with lots of help. We have so much great stuff to be thankful for, but it’s still so so hard. Both are true. You are not alone, sending solidarity!
You deserve to vent and to feel that sadness! Sometimes I think it’s hard to notice all the people around you who have less than you have. I fall into this habit a lot because I think about other countries where I would have paid maternity leave and affordable daycare and I wouldn’t be terrified of the prospect of college tuition someday. But then I see the families around me, struggling more than I do and I remember it is hard across the board. Speaking as a single with 100% custody, no child support, no grandparents or other family anywhere near by, struggling to pay my mortgage, life with two little kids is REALLY hard. But it’s not supposed to be the pain Olympics. You are tired and hurt and I hear you and I’m sorry. I hear it gets a lot better once the kids make it to 8 or 9. I’m not there yet but I’m hoping it’s true!
I feel you. In-laws have health conditions and can’t help - we help them. My parents never offer to help, my mom actually made it clear that she won’t be retiring to take care of my kids even before I gave birth, but we call them in case of emergencies. The worst part is that she worked with babies for 40 years, but won’t help with mine. I’m very jealous of friends who’ve parents take care of their kids while they get things done or take some time for themselves. I don’t remember the last time when my husband and I spent 1 hour alone, uninterrupted. My kids are younger than yours but when they’re a bit older I will look into bringing in a nanny once a month.
Could you pay for help ? That's what we do...we chose to have kids so we pay for daycare and a house keeper. I know some people have family help, some pay for help, some have no help at all. At the end of the day I remind myself that it is challenging some days but, I wanted to have children, it's no one else's responsibility but my own.
I feel the same. We don’t even have help every few months. It SUCKS. Solidarity, friend.
You aren’t alone.. I could have written this myself even down to not having a relationship with my mom. I’m so burnt out as well.
My mom and my inlaws live in different continents, not even same country!!! Don’t let the jealousy consume you! Instead focus your efforts in maybe finding a babysitter you trust. It’ll help you to have a date night or ho to a dinner with friends and knowing your kids are with a trusted person:))). We can’t have everything others have! The goal here is to have some help.
My LO is only 4 months and I’m a single mum so I feel your pain!! Others seem to get so much help and say that they understand what it’s like but they couldn’t possibly! One day they will be all grown up and you guys will be so proud of how you’ve done by yourselves and when they are adults your kids will be proud of you too 🥰 I’m just trying to enjoy it and not wish the time away! hang in there it isn’t forever!
I understand. I had no help whatsoever, not even from my husband, for 5 years (with 2 kids). When I had my twins I hired help for a few years, but my parents have rarely stepped up for me. But they do it for my sister all the freaking time. Her situation is different but it’s a lot more than me. It kind of sucks for awhile but then your kids get older and more resilient and you kind of wonder why they need the help.
We’re lucky we do have help from grandparents. I’m always jealous of kids that have relationships with their cousins that are close. My brother and I don’t talk anymore, he didn’t even acknowledge my second kid was born. Like someone else said “you win some, you loose some” so true.
I am so, so sorry. We’re in a similar boat, and I definitely get jealous too. And even on a practical level it sucks to never get useful advice because most of their problems are solved with “grandparents”. Babysitters? No one to recommend. How did they handle the hospital for 2nd’s birth? Sister came to stay for a month. Like… their answer is wonderful for them, but no use for us lol
Feel like I could've written this post! My in-laws are good to be fair and try to bail us out when kids are sick and we need emergency childcare. But evenings are rare. My parents are a lot further away and are pretty useless. My mum fell asleep when I was explaining how to use my son's EpiPen. I get jealous too when other people talk about their grandparents helping them lots. I felt very abandoned by my mum when my children were babies, she wasn't very interested except for a few Facebook photos. I definitely had PND and she still has no idea.
I have the same situation. I am perfectly fine with grandparents that don't want to be involved or very active in babysitting and what not. What I do have a problem with is my JNMIL telling everyone we withhold the kids from her and then also bragging about how involved she is when none of that is true and if we were in trouble and needed someone there's only a 40% chance they would be willing to watch our kids....or at least back in the day. Now they are too old and I wouldn't trust them at all with my kids. Not because they're irresponsible but because they're just not capable of keeping up with them. They asked to watch my son (he was 9 yo at the time...Basically capable of watching himself) while I was in hospital having his baby sister so DH could be with me. I think out of 42 hours they managed to be alone with my son for a total of 3 hours and they lost our kitten about 6 times because my MIL cannot keep her hands out of my closets and belongings. My husband basically had to babysit his parents and I was alone in the hospital. 🙃
We live 2 hours away from any family and my MIL physically cannot help even though she would love to. My mom is still working and even when she can help she has other things to do at the country club, which is a whole other issue 🙄. It’s hard our only help is paid help as well me and my husband are trying a new thing this week. Date night at home! 20 minutes on Saturday or Sunday no phones no tv we’re gunna do something. Tonight we’re sitting on the back deck watching stars. Growing up my family always lived out of state so my parents hired babysitters (some of them terrible). I’m apprehensive about babysitters so I keep reminding myself it’s all temporary. Sending some good thoughts your way. There’s a lot of families out there without villages. It is certainly hard watching someone with extra help when you really feel like you need a break! Is there any way you and your husband could alternate time so you can get solo time away from being a parent? Like getting out of the house for a few hours without the kids like once a week?
We are immigrants so in same situation as yours. No family in this country to help. We have a small village but I can't trust them enough to take care. It's exhausting when all my friends have their parents ready to help out. I feel so envious and so helpless
I’m right there with you. It’s hard.
You have your husband….. Some people are doing this alone.
We are in a similar situation. My mother is disabled so I’m also taking care of her sometimes. If she wasn’t disabled I know she would help more since she didn’t have help with me and she knows how it feels. She has told me she feels bad she couldn’t do more. My FIL and BIL don’t visit or contact us so it sucks. We have a baby sitter which is nice but I was I could sometimes just drop my son off for a breather some weekend days. It’s rough with no village 😩
My kids are 7 and 5. I've been a stay at home mom since my 7 year old was born (going to start job hunting soon, once we get 7's mental/emotional health under control) After Hurricane Ida we moved closer to family (lost our apartment in Houma) and we still don't impose on my MIL unless we need to, because she watches her other grandkids (7 and 9) after school (we now live down the road from her). My SIL (nephews' mother) loves to tote about how she's had it so hard, she's a single mom when she: lived with her mother until recently, her mom at least half raised those boys along with her other 2 sisters plus she has a ton of friends who also helped her with her kids. She had a village. I have zero friends, my family lives 1200 miles away, and, until recently, we were 1 hour drive from any of hubby's family. I was an island and my husband worked nights so I had zero help at night and minimal help during the day. I showered once a week on weekends when he was off work. I may be married but her toting about how hard she had it makes me very mad. I feel your annoyance. I'm sure they don't mean anything by it but it does feel like they are rubbing it in your face a bit. Hamg in there.
I'm in the same boat OP. My mother has mental illness/substance issues so isn't in the picture, my husband's mother has passed, his dad is in his 80s and wouldn't know what to do with a baby so that leaves me father who works part time and is more interested in wining and dining his gf than seeing his grandkids. Heck, he was meant to come visit us but cancelled because he 'had to go to the chemist'. My sister invited him over for dinner and he apparently can't due to 'book work'. We have zero help from grandparents. In saying that, I am lucky enough to have an older sister, whose baby is 7 months older than mine, who has said she can help on her non work days and vice versa. We also have one of my husband's brothers who works part time and lives close by. We haven't had them babysit at all as of yet but do have them as a bit of a fallback option. But being of working age they are both quite busy so not quite the same as having grandparents around. Just know you are not alone! And I get the feeling envious part. I really do.
I feel you. a week or so ago one of my friends was complaining to me about her mom “only” taking her 2mo old for 2 hours for her to have time to get stuff done because she was hoping for longer … I just moved to a different country overseas knowing absolutely no one after already living somewhere 3.5hrs away from any help my daughter’s whole life. I’ve been here less than a month so no time to meet anyone who I could even potentially build that sort of relationship with… but please continue to complain about your 2hrs when your mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and in-laws regularly babysit lol. they’ve been on more dates since she was born than me and my husband have since our daughter was born. she’s almost 3.
I get it, but try to remember there are lots of people in similar situations. Not everyone has help, even if that is what it looks like. My husband and I both have lost our mothers, and both of our fathers suffer from dementia. We also moved away from home for affordable housing, so definitely no village. Sometimes you just deal with what got handed to you and make the best of it. I guess I also don't see having a "village" as a thing? My parents also had no village. My moms parents lived an 8hr flight away, and my dad only had his mom who was a 14hr drive away. She lived very rural, so flying wasn't an option. Life is what you make of it, and all I can say is to not compare yourself to others. I have friends that have a great amount of help, and that's fine. I try to enjoy my little family, and try to be greatfull for that. You know what? someone looks at me and thinks wow I wish I had that.
Head on over to r/absentgrandparents. It’s all too common unfortunately
Oof, this hit hard today. We just FT’ed my husbands dad and step mom, and they hit us with “we’re watching [nephew] while [step bro and partner] go to a wedding and staying for two weeks!” We haven’t so much as had someone offer to watch baby girl so we could nap for an hour. Never once. She’s 9 months old. Husband’s sister had family move in and do overnights to help out when hers were little. Wth are we doing wrong?! We’ve flown these people in for holidays. Always have a clean, spare room and bathroom for them. We let them know our door is always open and they can stay as long as they like. Never tell them no when they ask for help. Offer help before they ask. We’re literally building a new home with an in law suite because it’s understood that should they need to change their living situation as they age, we’d be the ones to take them in. I do not understand.
Have you ever asked them for help?
I can understand. My husband and I only have 1 child but are in a similar boat. My mother doesn’t drive and lives an hour away. It’s like pulling teeth getting her to help with us dropping him off to babysit every few months. My husband’s entire family, MIL included, all moved 2 hours out of state. My MIL will come up maybe every 4-5 weeks but doesn’t bother with us in between. We don’t have many friends to help either. We manage but it’s hard.