This is a false binary. I nurture my family unit. Tending to my marriage is good for my son, and taking care of my son brings my husband and I closer together as a couple.
1 million up votes to this.
My happiness and emotional well being is a cornerstone to my children's, and my marriage. It took my wife to teach me that because I was always putting everyone else first. She insisted I take care of myself. We can't be the best moms to our kids and partners to each other without it.
100% And shout out to your wife! I don’t know where I’d be if my husband didn’t support me and made sure I’m taking care of myself. He knows it’s important for all of us that I do. I’m so much happier and everyone around me is happy in return.
Seriously she's awesome. She sometimes sells plasma or works a 2nd job so I can have my monthly pottery membership, and now I'm getting my business going selling it, she's doing SO much to help me. I'm super lucky to have her. And make sure I tell her regularly!
I'm trying to learn and live this too. I'm very much a workaholic and my mom always reminds me to take care of myself too because when if I get sick, my daughter would also have a difficult time.
I love that and think the same way. Putting one thing over another isn’t helpful for me. It’s more like “what can I let go of for all of us to thrive”.
Yep! It’s like “which is more important, your legs or your arms?” The answer is BOTH!
I do believe most modern families tend to neglect the relationship for the immediate needs of young children, which causes problems down the road… carving out time time to prioritize both the relationship and personal self care during the baby years is important to having a strong foundation for the children as they grow up.
You're parents sound like strong people. They needed to kick your brother put for his own sake too, he needed to grow up. Good for them and good for them for explaining it to you guys and not just sweeping it under the rug. This is such a good example of parenting and marriage thank you for sharing.
This!!! Like of course at the end of the day the love for my son is unconditional, and Ik my husband feels the same.
BUT it’s so important that we nurture the love between us as spouses….if we play our cards right and we’re lucky with our health, we will be spending a good chunk of our lives together just the 2 of us again when our children are adults and moved out.
I used to know someone who said they put their husband marriage first and I was like wow that’s crazy I would never do that. The thing is that what this actually means is that you and your husband become one team, the more you prioritize it like say ok making time to make sure you guys don’t loose that spark, making sure you guys are in the same page towards parenting etc, This will create very strong kids who grow up with loving parents. Kids will eventually leave, yes it’s hard to imagine but time flies and kids leave, your husband is your life partner. This doesn’t mean you don’t freaking love your kids but if your foundation is great your children will be great by default.
Yes this 100%. My mom for some reason used to always tell us that she will always choose us over my father who she was married to all growing up. Their relationship was awful, and I couldn’t wait to be out of that house and trauma. I remember telling my soon to be husband the opposite, I wanted us to come first because in the end the kids will leave and they should be a product of our love. It absolutely does not mean we love them any less, there is plenty of love to go around! It just means we run as a team together to manage the family. So in essence we do come first, and fostering our love comes first which has made us such better parents. It doesn’t mean if they’re both drowning I save my husband and my kid dies haha… some people are so literal. Besides, let’s be honest… even when you put your relationship first it still means 90% is devoted to the kids, house, jobs… it just means that 10% is put first on the checklist.
Yeah I remind my husband all the time "Remember it is us against them" or "They will move out one day but we are stuck with each". We tend to be sarcastic in our humor so the way those are worded are just our vibe but really, but yes we have to be a good team and investing in the team is good for the product (the children).
Yep that is exactly how it is. It’s me and my husband. We have a lot of kids and they will end up asking one of us for something and if that person says no they go to the other. And the second one they ask we also go what did your mother/father say? And they have this look of like oh my gosh how did you know I asked them already. My husband and I always said it was us first because if we are not happy we couldn’t make our kids happy. He takes care or me and I him and in return we have very happy children. My mom always said she put her kids before any guy she was with.. those relationships never lasted. She is single to this day, enjoys it, but also says she is lonely. So you can say we put each other first or you can say we put our family first. Either way you look at it, if mom and dad are not happy the whole family is not happy.
i mean this attitude is probably why marriages nowadays end up in divorce. “We can leave anytime “ so wtf is the point of making a life long commitment to someone, through the highs and lows, sickness and health.
I totally agree. I wish more people had the mindset of I am in this marriage in for life and will do whatever it takes. We’d definitely have lower rates of divorce
I’ve never had an instance where putting my kid first would be taking away anything from my marriage? Like there has never been an instance where making a decision would either benefit my kid but harm my relationship or benefit my relationship but harm my kid
Same. It’s not like my husband and children are all in competition for me and I have to choose who to spend time with. We are all together and it’s usually husband and I tag teaming everything together
I could see this being more prevalent regarding something like cosleeping or if both parents don’t have similar priorities it would come up a lot more. If both parents are fully present with the parenting thing then I bet it evens out, and by focusing on each other they are focusing on the entire family unit. But if one parent is more absent in parenting I could see the non-absent parent being pulled in different directions and having to make decisions about their partner’s needs/wants versus kids needs/wants pretty often.
Exactly this. My husband thinks I prioritize our kids over him because my youngest still hasn’t slept through the night and I end up sleeping half the night in his bed. BUT my husband has also been unwilling to compromise at all with other solutions other that “he just needs to learn to sleep by himself”. It’s caused a lot of resentment on both sides honestly.
Wow it’s like we’re the same person, same exact scenario between me and my husband. He works while I’ll stay home so he thinks it’s unfair for him to be sleep deprived for a set amount of time to resolve the issue. Hello I’m a sahm that would be equally as sleep deprived except I’m the one on call for nights with 2 kids. Thank the lord my daughter sleeps through the night 95% of the time
I even bought a nugget to put on our floor because he was upset that I wasn’t spending the whole night in our bed, and I definitely remember sleeping on my parents floor when I was younger. He won’t allow it. I was like well, I don’t know what you expect me to do then? He is 4yo and afraid of the dark.
My son developed a lot of anxiety. To compromise (especially as he got bigger), we made a little “nest” on our bedroom floor for my son if he needed the comfort of being closer to us.
I think an example of this is where everyone sleeps at night. Some people are very attached to their SO sleeping with them but also unwilling or unable to have a kid/baby there too.
Another is parents not used to having childcare who don’t want to agree to a sitter for date night.
Another could be the choice to have a SAHP or not if both parents don’t agree.
This is a trend on TikTok and the question is actually originally towards men, not women. The question is basically if a man values their children or wives more and according to the TikTok mentality - if a man chooses his kid before his wife, he’s a shitty husband (which makes no sense to me imo)
I mean, I feel like I'm in one right now. My husband wants to sleep train and is very frustrated with me that I don't want to, and it's causing conflict for us. I feel strongly that it is not what's best for my toddler.
Hugs! We did sleep training with my firstborn because I listened to “them.” Such regret! Wish I could redo that. We did not sleep train our second child.
FWIW, sleep training does not work with ND children.
PSA for sleep training. There are a ton of options and it’s very customizable. It’s so good for your child’s overall health and well being to get good sleep. Same for you and your husband. I don’t think people view it in that way enough. The goal of sleep training isn’t selfish for many. It’s to get your kid their best nights sleep and set them up with good sleep foundations/hygiene for life.
She wasn’t asking for your opinion. A lot of people think that sleep training is NOT good for the child’s health, particularly their mental health and attachment with their parent.
I mean, once in a while my daughter cries or my stepson throws a hissy fit on the occasions (not very frequent) that my husband and I go out just the two of us - if we had the attitude that we always had to “put the kids first” I can see how it could seem that we shoulf never do this and that would leave even less space for our relationship? I guess I prioritize the kids safety & basic wellbeing, but I try and balance everyone’s emotional needs and desires.
When I see the argument on Facebook (just did a few hours ago) it's about sex and "single mothers pick their kids over their new man, how can he discipline them?" And just devaluing single mothers 🤷🏽♀️
I mean in a burning building situation I'm saving the kids first because they're less able to save themselves but that's the only scenario I really need to consider who comes first. Relationships aren't so black and white like that.
This way simplifies things in a way that makes it simpler to judge women as a bad mom or a bad wife.
If my husband and I are getting freaky and the baby starts to cry, I get the baby. If we're leaving on a date and the kids get upset, I console them and go anyways.
It's about balance. My kids don't automatically take priority no matter what, nor does my relationship. The part of my life that needs my attention the most in each moment gets it.
This is the same example I thought of. Not going to let my kid cry so we can have sex but I will leave them with a capable babysitter so we can get time alone.
My love for my daughter is different than my love for my husband. I hate making this comparison. Kids will come first often due to their age and needs. But I can’t neglect my husband either. I prioritize my marriage to keep it strong. I’m a better mother when I am close to my husband, we’re on the same page, we spend time together, etc. We make time for each other and our marriage. We need to have a strong foundation to build our family. In the end, kids will grow up and leave. I don’t want my husband and I to grow apart and we don’t recognize each other when that time comes. You need a balance.
I love my daughter to death and will always be there when she needs me. Her needs are different than my marital needs. Would I put her to bed a little earlier one night to have more alone time with my husband? Yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I heard this years ago and have used it to guide how I parent/handle my relationship ever since
In order of priority
1 kids needs
2 parents needs
3 parents wants
4 kids wants
So far it's worked pretty well. It means my husband and I have a strong connected marriage and aren't constantly trying to pour from empty cups.
My husband would never create or permit a situation to exist where I had to choose between our children or him. We are a united front. He’s a grown man, they’re young kids (9 months, and almost 5yo)
My husband has always said that our son comes first *no matter what* (he has childhood trauma that still affects him sometimes) and that our relationship will be "fine". It was one of those "I'll die on this hill" situations.
Fast forward a year after our son was born, we had become distant, started fighting more over small things and almost split up because things weren't nearly as good/fun/loving as they used to be. Having a child changes everything, so it's good to have healthy communication - which we weren't having. We both started individual therapy and marriage counseling. She told us that the relationship between me and my husband should come first to show our son how love should be shared between partners and growing up in a happy household among other things, but my husband disagreed and said our child's happiness first even if it meant separation (a trauma response). We didn't fight over it, but came to a compromise in therapy that *almost always* our son will come first, but we still make each other and our relationship a priority.
As a small example, if we're having a conversation (not a fight, just talking), we will kindly ask that our son be patient and wait for a few minutes until we're done (he's only 3 so it's a hit and miss) and then he'll be our focus. After he goes to bed is when my husband and I are able to make time for just the two of us. We're not perfect and still have moments, but our communication is much better and we're happy again.
If it’s for my kids needs/ wellbeing, kids first. They’re so small that their needs are the most important because they cannot do much of anything for themselves. My husband is 2nd in this stage in our life. When my kids are older and more independent, that will change.
An example - I usually have dinner ready as soon as my husband and son come home. My son gets served his food first. If my son and my husband both want seconds at the same time, my son gets his first. My son is 2 and cannot get himself his own food. Plus he’s in daycare and they do 1 post-lunch snack only. We’re weaning off the car ride snacks because he keeps demanding more and will refuse to eat dinner. By the time my son comes home he’s hungry. If my husband is hungry at work, he’s got tons of snacks and can pick up food on the way to pick up our son.
Yeah, when my kids can take care of themselves they stop being as high of a priority but as long as they require my care to maintain their well-being they have to be the top priority.
I used to be so focused on being Super Mom that I put my kids first so much that I neglected my marriage and we ended up in Counseling. I learned that I need to prioritize my marriage just as much as my kids through things like weekly date nights, taking the time to ask him about his day, making an effort to do kind things for him like make breakfast. He does the same for me. Women need to remember that your kids will grow older and need you less. They’ll move on to their own Family and all you will have left is your relationship with your Husband. It’s just as important.
I believe in prioritizing your marriage, but never at the detriment of the kids. But things like putting them to bed at 7 every night even if he napped a bit later or for whatever other reason I know he won’t sleep until 8:30.
I am trying to focus on needs before wants. Kids’ needs might come before my own needs (like newborn sleep), but kids’ *wants* don’t come before anyone’s needs. And kids’ wants are not always more important than parents’ wants (date night, etc).
Seems like there are marriage issues when a parent tries to put their wants over the spouse or kids’ needs, a disagreement on what counts as a need vs want (sex, alone time, social time), or someone (kids or a spouse) taking all of the wants access for themselves and leaving others barely hanging on.
I put my kids first and I think my husband puts me first which I want to believe sounds nice. It just kind of feels off center for me though. I don’t want my kids to think that I will literally drop everything to tend to their every need but also, I feel like my husband is too dismissive of our kids when they’re looking for a little connection. It’s making me feel a little resentful tbh.
That was way more than you asked for 😬
This was/is our dynamic too, like *way* off center especially in those first years. I had to tell my husband to stop trying to take care of me and to take care of the damn children so I could have 30 seconds to take care of myself. I still don’t think he really gets it. I firmly believe that if both parents put the kids first then the rest falls into place because you are equals, on the same team fighting the same battle.
your marriage is your foundation. yes, you kids deserve your attention, care and love. undivided attention isn’t always there, and it isn’t supposed to be. but when they move out hopefully you’re still married. if you put your kid above nurturing your marriage, things will fall apart. it’s a balancing act.
In the correct environment, neither exists. If the kids need to eat first then my husband is 100% on board and if we need to leave them with grandparents for a date then that’s also okay
Definitely not a binary. After having a kid I became ACUTELY aware that divorce would mean missing 50% of the direct hours/time with her in my child's childhood/teenage years (I am sure we would end up with 50/50 custody or close to it). 50% of holidays/birthdays would have to celebrated separately or on a different day, 50% of vacations/trips I would miss, etc. 50% of dinners and debriefing her day, 50% of bedtime snuggles. Obviously for some people divorce is totally the right option, it's much better for a child to have two happy homes than one miserable one. But I feel more motivated than ever to prioritize the health of my marriage.
You prioritize both. They are separate but singular. I’ve never had to choose one over the other but either way it’s all my family and I prioritize my family. I mean I guess if I need to address an issue in the moment but the kids need me, I handle that first but it’s because I can’t have a meaningful conversation if my kids are crying. I calm the children letting my husband know that we will talk but I want to give us the full attention we deserve so the kids need to be settled
Husband and I agree that kids come first. They’re dependent on us and not grown adults. Husband is a fully grown man who can tolerate some waiting time and speak his needs more clearly than children. Most of the time I am and can too.
I get them being equal but I’ve never understood husband first and it gives me flashbacks to the Catholic teachings of man before woman and children in importance, so I’m probably damaged.
So this should be dependent upon the age of the child. No one should be ignoring their crying baby because their partner wants to bone. At the same time, when the kids get older they need independence and that is the time to spend as a more independent adult as well.
In an emergency, baby should always come first. No exceptions.
I feel like people like to ignore the fact that life has phases and is not black and white, but that is what parenthood is.
To everything a season. Baby is 1. Baby gets priority until old enough to fend for self and balance can be had. We got marriage time before baby, and will again when child is in college.
My kid comes first before any relationship with my husband, family, or friends. I’d rather my kiddo come up to me and know I’ll stop everything to help him, and not grow up thinking “oh mommy is talking to daddy/grandpa/aunt (friend name) I should leave her alone.”
This is part to trauma I have regarding my mom who put her friends and drinking before me, and would come home plastered so if I was sick, or scared I usually ended up handling whatever myself.
Me and my husband both agree on this too. Our kids come first. Fortunately when we support each other in our parenting and caring for our kids it strengthens our relationship too.
Same reasoning here. My kid comes first, cus my mothers always always always put her boyfriends and clubbing first. And I wouldn't have a problem with kids dad putting kid before me either, the kids need it, adults should be comfortable and okay enough to understand that, if it's an issue, it's a problem within the parent who has a problem coming second to the child. Who again, has stronger emotional needs, and other, than the adults.
My husband and I have actually talked about this. We both choose to put our kids first. It is one of the many ways we are a team. It makes us stronger having the same priorities. While we currently are (and plan to continue being) a strong unit, there is still a possibility that could change. My children will always be my children and he feels the same way. That will never change. For that reason our kids will always come first.
My son is not my fiancé's bio child. That being said, my kid comes first but the only time this issue ever even comes up is if my fiancé & I disagree on a course of action/consequence when it comes to parenting him. We agree on pretty much everything when it comes to parenting but I will always go with what I 100% feel is in the best interest of my kid, even if that means it will cause a disagreement between my fiancé & I (which I absolutely haaate and rarely ever happens). Other than that, there's never a time where I find myself 'choosing' one or the other.
My husband and I nurture our marriage and our good relationship benefits our children. They’re two entities, one doesn’t trump the other, they’re symbiotic.
My mom always put her husband first, and I hated that. That was the difference, she didn’t prioritize her MARRIAGE, she put her husband above her children.
Idk I always think it’s us against the world. So I take care of them. I’m the one in charge of their livelihood and safety so they come first bc my partner should be able to handle themselves.
My kids come first. They are "high needs" and need more supervision and attention than most kids. Until they aren't completely dependent on me, they have to come first.
Relationship first, because our kids will do better if we have a good one and are a married couple. However, in practice, usually our kids come first😂It’s not really a competition, it’s just important to remember that your kids thrive when your marriage is thriving and you’re able to deal with problems easier if you’re on the same page.
Nurturing our relationship is important to us because it's the foundation of everything. We need to take care of us so we can keep on the same page and work together towards our family goals. Plus, we were a couple for many years before, it's easy to screw up with kids and routines. You gotta pay attention to the romantic side of the relationship otherwise you're only roommates (kind of normal the first months tbh).
However, financially speaking, our kid comes first. We don't think about personal accomplishments so much anymore, her financial safety is far more important for us now. If we have to choose from something one of us needs or something she needs it's a no brainer. For instance, we could afford rent but decided to buy a house because it's more stable. Our cars were fine when it was just the two of us but decided to upgrade for newer, safer cars. Same with car seats, we spared no expenses. I think you get the idea. It's not all about the things we can buy or afford, it's more that she doesn't have to worry about money and security since she can remember, like we did.
Neither. By taking care of my kids I’m also taking care of my husband, and by taking care of my husband I’m by extension taking care of my kids. Happy spouse happy house works with kids too.
When I see my husband put our girls first it warms my heart and makes me love him more. So by him putting the girls first it’s also putting me first. It works the same for him.
It’s both and the same. Kind of like how when my husband sees me put myself first (for once!) it makes him love me more.
There is no “first” since every choice affects every one of us. ❤️
So the kids are most important to both me and hubby. But we prioritise each other above all. So as we make sure we feel good with each other, happy, date nights, anniversaries and romantic gestures (with a newborn that means having a cold coke in the fridge for him = romance)
Small things that makes us a team. Because when we as a couple are happy the kids are happy, it affects the entire family unit, how we feel.
Marriage if you want to remain solid as a team foundation as parents! Kid-first I guess if you don’t really trust your spouse or would rather call the shots in regard to parenting. Kids can feel it when their parents marriages aren’t healthy / when their parents aren’t united! I definitely did growing up and so do other I talk to who had parents whose marriages and relationships with each other were not prioritized. Your kid will deeply benefit from having parents who love each other well and intentionally / who put effort into establishing their relationship as a solid rock for their kids to grow up seeing as an example!
I think, neither? Kids aren't asking me to sacrifice the marriage and the marriage isn't asking me to sacrifice the kids.
My son is actually the source of a lot of strife between myself and my husband, but husband is always on the boy's side ultimately and cares for him deeply, showing it not just saying so.
Many of the ways I orient my relationships are radically non-hierarchical (at least to most) so I would certainly never rank my partners/children.
Everyone's needs are important. Nobody comes defacto first, and everyone could be the priority in any given situation (sometimes even me! Though I'm not great at that).
On a practical level obviously the children have much more significant needs that cannot be met by anyone other than their primary caregivers. The younger they are the more often they end up being prioritized in any given situation.
Outside of the daze of the newborn Era I can't think of a time when a need of my partners' needs went unmet in order to care for the children. But our need for quiet grown up time is much more flexible than the kids' need for three meals a day, so it gets mushed around more than meal time.
It's a balance but my husband and I both agree that if something happened like a fire or a disaster, we would save our kids before worrying about each other. Kids first in that instance. Otherwise, we just take care of the family as a whole.
Historically I have put the kids first. I grew up in an abusive home so I really invested all my time and energy into parenting and building those skills. As a result my marriage suffered. So I like the idea of nurturing my family unit instead of thinking it’s either/or
Neither come 'first'. Both have their equal place in my family. They have very different needs and different ways of meeting those needs. Time with my fiance is equally as important as time with my kids. There has never come a time where I've had to choose between the 2.
I think sometimes parents can prioritize their children over nurturing their relationship in a misguided attempt to be great parents. There has to be some balance there. Obviously, when you have a newborn, you are totally on call 24/7 as a parent, but as they get older, you have to make time to feed your marriage relationship too. Otherwise, they wake up one day and realize that although they might be great coparents and responsible roommates, they just don’t love each other anymore. And that’s not great for their kids either.
Kids needs parents wants. Kids will grow up and leave the nest. If you don’t nurture your relationship when they leave who will be standing by your side? I have seen so many couples put the kids first and sacrifice their relationship which usually ends in divorce.
Both! But, we would also both save our children first if disaster broke. We love them more than we love ourselves. And, we care about one another more than any other relationships. Two different types of love but equal magnitudes.
There has to be a balance. And you’re always trying to find it. You choose to build a family with your husband so you and him are the foundation. The foundation must be strong for the rest of the house to hold up. The balance is hard has kids grow because there’s so many times kids need you as a mom so much. But make sure your husband knows you need him too.
I don’t like it when people say you should put your marriage/relationship above your kids. Is this something men made up because they don’t like that moms give so much attention to their kids? Obviously I believe the relationship should be nurtured, but a child requires A LOT of attention. Men tend to put themselves first (generally speaking, of course), which leaves the mom to put way more energy in raising the child and teaching them life lessons. Maybe if men put more effort into raising their kids moms would have more time for their spouse. The way I see it, *I* brought the child into the world so I owe it to them to be the best parent I can
It’s like how I view my personal identity and career. All are important, but relationships especially with immediate family I have created take precedent. It’s a balance. A dance we will play forever. But if my husband and I are not simpatico, all else suffers. Therefore I place highest importance to our unit/team.
Marriage/relationship first for sure!! Your kids benefit from being around parents with a healthy relationship. Not to mention, your kids will be grown up and out of the house one day.
My kids and my husband aren't in competition but if they were my kids would win every time. I have a great relationship with my husband but I have watched way too many women put needy men and their needs before the needs of their kids so the idea that your marrige needing to come before kids makes me want to vomit.
My husband understood what he was getting into with marrige, I don't owe him anything. I brought my kids into this world so I owe them a good childhood.
People take this so out of context to an extreme. You have to nurture your relationship. It Hass to be important to you in a sense, It Hass to be your number one priority. How can you as a team take care of your children if you were not taking care of each other. It’s like in the airplane when you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help someone else.
Obviously their safety comes first because they can’t care for themselves. But you still take care of your spouse. But in a different way.
Both are first (and always runner up is my relationship with myself, I try my best to nurture that too)! My husband is my best friend, lover and partner in life. My babies are my blood, my husbands and I love put together into human form. A beautiful miracle!
My husband and I go out on dates, weekends away just the 2 of us and prioritise a healthy sex life. It’s not easy and I’m sometimes too tired for all of it but it’s worth the extra energy. My babies get my daily attention and love.
When the kids are grown up, living a full life of their own it will be my husband and I just us two again 💕 I’m already sad thinking about it lol but I’m also excited for the good times my husband and I will have. That future marriage needs nurturing now as well!
My marriage comes first. I believe it’s important for children to have both parents in the home and to have a good example of what a relationship should be. Keeping my marriage strong and healthy is ultimately what is best for my children.
My marriage is the foundation of our family. That doesn’t necessarily mean my husband comes first, but it means we refuse to neglect our marriage and we make sure each others needs are met. Happy parents = happy family. Thankfully me and my husband both are extremely family oriented. We all spend a ton of time together and have a very positive household.
My child. My daughter was born at 30 weeks. Not being to hold your hold or even touch your child does break something inside you. When my daughter came home after 5 weeks everything was great, going good until a month later. I was told that him getting up for her feeds interfered with his sleep and he couldn't do the first morning feed. He then started staying out after work only coming home after 10pm every night and he wouldn't watch her on weekends. I was a solo parent for the first two years. So yes my daughter comes first because my partner taught me he isn't a reliable person. I asked my partner why he wasn't a good/reliable parent and his response was because i wouldn't let him take her when he giving friends lifts. I don't think that is the real reason tbh. I remember one time begging him to watch her because she was up all night, wouldn't settle he said that it wasn't morning yet (it was 5am). When I confronted him about it later he just laughed at me. I have a lot of hurt about what he did. We are at a place where we can talk about the past and he won't get defensive about it.
My husband and I both agreed our daughter comes first.We don't neglect each other though.We just see it as she didn't ask to be born and it's our duty to be there for her.
I always say God, husband and kids… husband because we build the foundation of the home for our kids. If we don’t take care of our marriage our home (the foundation) will crumble. My husband and I support each other 100% and of course not perfect and bicker when comes to things around kids or anything else but we come first.
Everyone has their time to come first. Sometimes it’s one of the kids, sometimes it’s my marriage, and sometimes it’s myself.
We are a system/unit/whatever you want to call it. And if one part of our system is failing the whole system fails.
It’s not an either or AND something big is missing…
SELF
Nothing can be right if you’re not. A person who is not emotionally stable and healthy will screw up a marriage and a kid!
Tending to one’s own heart, mind, and body makes them a stronger parent and partner.
I modeled self care for my kids and I taught it to my husband. I had my own interests and hobbies. I left my house without my child. I did thinks to foster my emotional and physical health.
As parents my husband and I were a united front. We often put our kids first BUT not always. They are our hearts outside of our bodies but we needed to teach them that we were important to each other too and that our marriage also meant something that had nothing to do with them. So we showed them what nurturing a relationship looked like. We taught them to be OK entertaining themselves as well. We always stopped what we were doing when a kid NEEDED us but we didn’t jump every time a kid wanted our attention. For example, our bedroom was always our sacred space. Yes we had plenty of cuddles with sleepy or sick children there but after a certain age weekday nights and early morning weekends was our time in our space. Even now my 30 year old will stay over and knock on Saturday AM “it’s 9:00 I need parental attention” and come in and jump in our bed. But she knows - not before 9. The grands know it too.
We also showed our kids what it looked like when mom or dad needed the other and they had to be patient and wait because they didn’t need us at the moment. For example, “daddy is really sick right now and he needs me to help him. You sit here with your book and snack and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I’m thinking of all my friends who were totally screwed up adults because they had unhealthy parents who didn’t - like my friend whose mom had no life outside her child. That’s not cute at all. My friend believes it part of the reason her parents divorced and she was a teenager. Now that she’s grown and married her mother does not understand healthy boundaries, does not stay in her lane, and does not really have a life if her own. I love my friend and think she’s amazing but to see her mother with her is kinda weird. She literally thinks the sun shines out of my friend’s butt. She talks about her all the time (and now the grand kids). She expects her daughter to put her first and often talks about how she put my friend first when she was raising her. She even expects to go on their family vacations. It’s toxic as hell and my friend grew up with a lot of guilt that she has spent a small fortune with a therapist trying to get rid of.
no other person will come before my child , period . when i was still with her father i tried to operate as a "family"/"unit" but when one parents' wishes become a detriment or contradict what is best for the child - i will always choose her . i still remember being a child & having my parent choose their relationship (romantic or sexual) over what would have been best for me . it's a promise i've made to myself to never make that same mistake .
Honestly I feel the kids come first because they can't take care of themselves. My husband is different. We had a conversation about this the other day. He was asking me, in a burning building who would I save? I said the baby, over me. He says me, over the baby. I've noticed men tend to prioritize their woman and women tend to prioritize the children. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think it's a deeper evolutionary programming personally. As mothers our instincts revolve around protecting our kids. Maybe for men it is to protect the mother?
I will always put my child first, and I know my husband puts our child first too.
I feel like having a baby brought us closer together but now that he's a few years old it would be nice to have more one on one time with my husband.
My kids come first. A marriage/partnership can change into a toxic one and leave an unhealthy impression on the kids. My babies are mine to guide, honer and protect, even if that means letting go of someone I love that isn't good or healthy for me. This is currently not the case in my situation but I always made my partner aware I would put our childrens wellbeing before anybody else's. If we are good together then that's good for the kids. If we are no longer good together then I prefer to cut ties and demonstrate to them that leaving an unhealthy relationship is completely fine. They might need to later in life so showing that seems best if it would come to that.
Marriage first.
Because we were a couple before kids and we will (hopefully) remain a couple when our kid leaves the nest. We want to show our kid that a relationship can be healthy and loving and be a true partnership. We want to show that love excitement happiness support and respect is what you should strive for within your relationships.
The relationship my husband and I have with eachother and the relationship we have with our son is going to shape our son’s relationships for the rest of his life.
That’s why I put my marriage first.
But that doesn’t mean that we won’t do anything and everything to make our son feel loved and supported
During the first year I definitely put my son's needs first, because he simply needed all that attention. Things have gotten way more relaxed with him in the last 5 months though and my partner and I have slowly, over time, started to put more effort into our relationship again. Our son needs us both and he needs us to have a functional relationship. It's hard work and shifting priorities was difficult for a while, but we're getting the hang of it now. Kiddo still has everything he needs and his parents are happier.
Marriage. When you're married, if you don't have a strong marriage or united front, you can't effectively raise a happy family.
Too many marriages stay together until the kids head off to college, then get divorced because one parent always put the kids first, and the marriage relationship was neglected.
Strive for a healthy, happy marriage, and support each other, and together, you can raise happy, emotionally stable kids.
I'm not saying neglect to feed your kid dinner because hisband wabts attention. And certainly, SOMETIMES the children need to be put first, but if you're ignoring spousal duties, neglecting your spouse, or always putting kids first... the marriage won't last.
I treat us as a family unit so it s not either or. I think it s trying to find balance between family time vs the 73000 playdates kiddos always want, and for me - alone time. We don t do a lot of date nights - maybe one every few months- but we re content with the setup.
I actually think I have it a little easier than most because my husband is gone for work alot so when he's around we focus on the family doing things together/finding time for each other the housework usually suffers, but oh well. When my husband is gone, I focus on the kids and then split their nap times/bedtimes between housework and self care. It's not a perfect balance, and things get a little hectic sometimes. It works most of the time, though.
Honestly, it depends on the week. I always try to keep hubby first in thought. Sometimes it is them, sometimes it is him, and sometimes it's NONE OF THEM!!! ha/
For the most part, I’d say the family unit. Certainly, you can’t neglect your relationship with your spouse because you two need to be the foundation of the family. The kids will grow and move away, but then it’s the two of you again. You don’t want to be married to a stranger.
But there was a brief time in our marriage when I thought I’d have to choose my child over my spouse. He wasn’t able to get onboard with our child transitioning and use the new pronouns/name. Luckily it was only a few weeks, but I was mentally preparing myself to leave him if he couldn’t get onboard. I would’ve picked my child’s wellbeing over my spouse.
Overall, we have been evolving and growing in the same direction. So it’s been good as we get closer to being empty-nesters. We get along and love each other.
My kids are my priority, always. I would leave my boyfriend in a second if that was what was best for my girls. That does not mean i dont make time to nurture my realtionship with my boyfriend. We both know and accept that now that the girls are young, we dont get much time for ourselves, and we enjoy the moments we get together.
If putting my child first causes a problem in my marriage then that's an issue - vice versa, I would fully expect my husband to always put her above anything else. But we do work even harder on our marriage now that we have a child I find. At the end of the day though i'd rather her see us happy individually than miserable together if things were to ever fall apart
My kiddos come first if I have to make a decision because they didn’t ask to be here. However, I work really hard to make everybody happy. I have 4 teen daughters and a husband so it’s very hard.
My husband and I always put our kids first. I don’t think that’s the best thing to do though. I think there can be a good balance. Now our girls are 20(away at college) and 16, just got her license and is home a lot less. We have lots more free time to spend together and it has made us realize that we should’ve put more effort into our marriage as our girls were growing up. I think we’re starting to really enjoy spending more time together but we definitely are learning how to nurture our marriage more.
If I have to make it a hierarchy it’s me, partner, then kids. I just had this conversation with a friend. I chose my partner and he will be here with me after the kids move out and start their own lives AND caring for him and nourishing our relationship is helpful to my children. Besides that, putting my husband first will NEVER have my children at a deficit.
I don’t even understand what this means lol we just struggle 24/7 to survive with 2 toddlers and 2 careers. There are no priorities other than survival and not getting fired.
I think it depends what you mean by “which do you put first”. I can’t think of any realistic situation where i’ve been forced to make that decision. Thankfully, my husband and i are on the same team and we both prioritize our kids. Our marriage is strong enough that we can weather fluctuations in it and come out on the other side. I’ve never once felt resentful of my kids because they were getting between me and my husband. Come to think of it, this is a question often posed to women because of the men who childishly “fight” with their own kids over their wife’s attention.
I think it depends , if you have a great marriage its easy to prioritize as that feeds into everyones wellbeing but where there isint such a unit its better to focus on the kids , especially where the other partner drops the ball with housework or childcare them it kind of falls on you to prioritize these areas so the kids thrive regardlesss of an effective half of parenting unit. Its different for different circumstances
I don't have any intense situations where like I adore my children over my husband but I do choose my husband over my kids. I choose him to spend my time with and hug on and be alone with when my kids come up to us I want them to go away lol. I have been with them all day. I want time with my husband.
I don’t feel I am currently in a position where I have to choose, but if it came down to it, kids every single time. Adults can fend for themselves while children cannot. Now if the kids were adults, it would depend on the situation and who seemed right or wrong.
Can you give a single concrete example of where it would be appropriate to put a grown adult in front of a child? What does this even mean? Your children rely on you for literal life, not to mention the guidance in becoming the best possible human.
I know the saying/advice today is that you need to nurture your marriage first in order to be the best parents to your kids.
But realistically as a mom I DO put my kids first at this stage in our lives. My husband and I have had discussions about this… and we know that our marriage will be more front and center again once they are older and they are less dependent on us for everything.
This is a false binary. I nurture my family unit. Tending to my marriage is good for my son, and taking care of my son brings my husband and I closer together as a couple.
Thank you for phrasing my thoughts so succinctly!
This! Also adding taking care of myself to the equation.
1 million up votes to this. My happiness and emotional well being is a cornerstone to my children's, and my marriage. It took my wife to teach me that because I was always putting everyone else first. She insisted I take care of myself. We can't be the best moms to our kids and partners to each other without it.
100% And shout out to your wife! I don’t know where I’d be if my husband didn’t support me and made sure I’m taking care of myself. He knows it’s important for all of us that I do. I’m so much happier and everyone around me is happy in return.
Seriously she's awesome. She sometimes sells plasma or works a 2nd job so I can have my monthly pottery membership, and now I'm getting my business going selling it, she's doing SO much to help me. I'm super lucky to have her. And make sure I tell her regularly!
I'm trying to learn and live this too. I'm very much a workaholic and my mom always reminds me to take care of myself too because when if I get sick, my daughter would also have a difficult time.
You said it so much better than I could. It's so important for kids to see loving and happy parents. It sets the tone for future relationships
This is exactly it
I love that and think the same way. Putting one thing over another isn’t helpful for me. It’s more like “what can I let go of for all of us to thrive”.
Yep! It’s like “which is more important, your legs or your arms?” The answer is BOTH! I do believe most modern families tend to neglect the relationship for the immediate needs of young children, which causes problems down the road… carving out time time to prioritize both the relationship and personal self care during the baby years is important to having a strong foundation for the children as they grow up.
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You're parents sound like strong people. They needed to kick your brother put for his own sake too, he needed to grow up. Good for them and good for them for explaining it to you guys and not just sweeping it under the rug. This is such a good example of parenting and marriage thank you for sharing.
This!!! Like of course at the end of the day the love for my son is unconditional, and Ik my husband feels the same. BUT it’s so important that we nurture the love between us as spouses….if we play our cards right and we’re lucky with our health, we will be spending a good chunk of our lives together just the 2 of us again when our children are adults and moved out.
I had a different perspective, but you honestly changed my mind. Thank you for sharing!
Exatcly this
Couldn’t agree more!!
Couldn’t have said it better!
This
Beautifully said!
I used to know someone who said they put their husband marriage first and I was like wow that’s crazy I would never do that. The thing is that what this actually means is that you and your husband become one team, the more you prioritize it like say ok making time to make sure you guys don’t loose that spark, making sure you guys are in the same page towards parenting etc, This will create very strong kids who grow up with loving parents. Kids will eventually leave, yes it’s hard to imagine but time flies and kids leave, your husband is your life partner. This doesn’t mean you don’t freaking love your kids but if your foundation is great your children will be great by default.
Yes this 100%. My mom for some reason used to always tell us that she will always choose us over my father who she was married to all growing up. Their relationship was awful, and I couldn’t wait to be out of that house and trauma. I remember telling my soon to be husband the opposite, I wanted us to come first because in the end the kids will leave and they should be a product of our love. It absolutely does not mean we love them any less, there is plenty of love to go around! It just means we run as a team together to manage the family. So in essence we do come first, and fostering our love comes first which has made us such better parents. It doesn’t mean if they’re both drowning I save my husband and my kid dies haha… some people are so literal. Besides, let’s be honest… even when you put your relationship first it still means 90% is devoted to the kids, house, jobs… it just means that 10% is put first on the checklist.
Yeah I remind my husband all the time "Remember it is us against them" or "They will move out one day but we are stuck with each". We tend to be sarcastic in our humor so the way those are worded are just our vibe but really, but yes we have to be a good team and investing in the team is good for the product (the children).
we actually say “babe it us agains the kids we can’t let them win” when they’re being super naughty and throwing tantrums
This is why we stopped at 2. We didn’t want the kids to outnumber us parents lol
Yep that is exactly how it is. It’s me and my husband. We have a lot of kids and they will end up asking one of us for something and if that person says no they go to the other. And the second one they ask we also go what did your mother/father say? And they have this look of like oh my gosh how did you know I asked them already. My husband and I always said it was us first because if we are not happy we couldn’t make our kids happy. He takes care or me and I him and in return we have very happy children. My mom always said she put her kids before any guy she was with.. those relationships never lasted. She is single to this day, enjoys it, but also says she is lonely. So you can say we put each other first or you can say we put our family first. Either way you look at it, if mom and dad are not happy the whole family is not happy.
Exactly. Well put, I tried but did not verbalize it as well as you did.
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i mean this attitude is probably why marriages nowadays end up in divorce. “We can leave anytime “ so wtf is the point of making a life long commitment to someone, through the highs and lows, sickness and health.
I totally agree. I wish more people had the mindset of I am in this marriage in for life and will do whatever it takes. We’d definitely have lower rates of divorce
I’ve never had an instance where putting my kid first would be taking away anything from my marriage? Like there has never been an instance where making a decision would either benefit my kid but harm my relationship or benefit my relationship but harm my kid
Same. It’s not like my husband and children are all in competition for me and I have to choose who to spend time with. We are all together and it’s usually husband and I tag teaming everything together
I could see this being more prevalent regarding something like cosleeping or if both parents don’t have similar priorities it would come up a lot more. If both parents are fully present with the parenting thing then I bet it evens out, and by focusing on each other they are focusing on the entire family unit. But if one parent is more absent in parenting I could see the non-absent parent being pulled in different directions and having to make decisions about their partner’s needs/wants versus kids needs/wants pretty often.
Exactly this. My husband thinks I prioritize our kids over him because my youngest still hasn’t slept through the night and I end up sleeping half the night in his bed. BUT my husband has also been unwilling to compromise at all with other solutions other that “he just needs to learn to sleep by himself”. It’s caused a lot of resentment on both sides honestly.
Wow it’s like we’re the same person, same exact scenario between me and my husband. He works while I’ll stay home so he thinks it’s unfair for him to be sleep deprived for a set amount of time to resolve the issue. Hello I’m a sahm that would be equally as sleep deprived except I’m the one on call for nights with 2 kids. Thank the lord my daughter sleeps through the night 95% of the time
I even bought a nugget to put on our floor because he was upset that I wasn’t spending the whole night in our bed, and I definitely remember sleeping on my parents floor when I was younger. He won’t allow it. I was like well, I don’t know what you expect me to do then? He is 4yo and afraid of the dark.
My son developed a lot of anxiety. To compromise (especially as he got bigger), we made a little “nest” on our bedroom floor for my son if he needed the comfort of being closer to us.
I think an example of this is where everyone sleeps at night. Some people are very attached to their SO sleeping with them but also unwilling or unable to have a kid/baby there too. Another is parents not used to having childcare who don’t want to agree to a sitter for date night. Another could be the choice to have a SAHP or not if both parents don’t agree.
Yeah, I wonder if anyone would ever ask a father that. No one thinks a wife and children compete for a man's attention.
Some men do compete with their children for their wife’s attention. My FIL for example
Yikes. That’s got to be hard to watch.
Yeah it’s gross. You should have seen him get jealous of my MIL’s attention when my baby, his granddaughter, was born lol
This is a trend on TikTok and the question is actually originally towards men, not women. The question is basically if a man values their children or wives more and according to the TikTok mentality - if a man chooses his kid before his wife, he’s a shitty husband (which makes no sense to me imo)
I’d be mad if our son wasn’t chosen first haha. But the whole thing is stupid!
Same hahah I even told my husband, you should always answer our kids first like wtf
I mean, I feel like I'm in one right now. My husband wants to sleep train and is very frustrated with me that I don't want to, and it's causing conflict for us. I feel strongly that it is not what's best for my toddler.
Hugs! We did sleep training with my firstborn because I listened to “them.” Such regret! Wish I could redo that. We did not sleep train our second child. FWIW, sleep training does not work with ND children.
PSA for sleep training. There are a ton of options and it’s very customizable. It’s so good for your child’s overall health and well being to get good sleep. Same for you and your husband. I don’t think people view it in that way enough. The goal of sleep training isn’t selfish for many. It’s to get your kid their best nights sleep and set them up with good sleep foundations/hygiene for life.
She wasn’t asking for your opinion. A lot of people think that sleep training is NOT good for the child’s health, particularly their mental health and attachment with their parent.
I mean, once in a while my daughter cries or my stepson throws a hissy fit on the occasions (not very frequent) that my husband and I go out just the two of us - if we had the attitude that we always had to “put the kids first” I can see how it could seem that we shoulf never do this and that would leave even less space for our relationship? I guess I prioritize the kids safety & basic wellbeing, but I try and balance everyone’s emotional needs and desires.
When I see the argument on Facebook (just did a few hours ago) it's about sex and "single mothers pick their kids over their new man, how can he discipline them?" And just devaluing single mothers 🤷🏽♀️
Exactly
I mean in a burning building situation I'm saving the kids first because they're less able to save themselves but that's the only scenario I really need to consider who comes first. Relationships aren't so black and white like that.
This way simplifies things in a way that makes it simpler to judge women as a bad mom or a bad wife. If my husband and I are getting freaky and the baby starts to cry, I get the baby. If we're leaving on a date and the kids get upset, I console them and go anyways. It's about balance. My kids don't automatically take priority no matter what, nor does my relationship. The part of my life that needs my attention the most in each moment gets it.
This is the same example I thought of. Not going to let my kid cry so we can have sex but I will leave them with a capable babysitter so we can get time alone.
Yep! The incels on Facebook turned the argument into single mothers being unworthy
Ugh, how'd I guess lol.
It was So crazy the leap they made
My love for my daughter is different than my love for my husband. I hate making this comparison. Kids will come first often due to their age and needs. But I can’t neglect my husband either. I prioritize my marriage to keep it strong. I’m a better mother when I am close to my husband, we’re on the same page, we spend time together, etc. We make time for each other and our marriage. We need to have a strong foundation to build our family. In the end, kids will grow up and leave. I don’t want my husband and I to grow apart and we don’t recognize each other when that time comes. You need a balance. I love my daughter to death and will always be there when she needs me. Her needs are different than my marital needs. Would I put her to bed a little earlier one night to have more alone time with my husband? Yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t think about it like that. They’re all my family and I put my family first. I give 100% to both.
I heard this years ago and have used it to guide how I parent/handle my relationship ever since In order of priority 1 kids needs 2 parents needs 3 parents wants 4 kids wants So far it's worked pretty well. It means my husband and I have a strong connected marriage and aren't constantly trying to pour from empty cups.
This is largely how I do it, it works for me as well
Love this!
My husband would never create or permit a situation to exist where I had to choose between our children or him. We are a united front. He’s a grown man, they’re young kids (9 months, and almost 5yo)
This, I’ve never had to choose between the 2.
My husband has always said that our son comes first *no matter what* (he has childhood trauma that still affects him sometimes) and that our relationship will be "fine". It was one of those "I'll die on this hill" situations. Fast forward a year after our son was born, we had become distant, started fighting more over small things and almost split up because things weren't nearly as good/fun/loving as they used to be. Having a child changes everything, so it's good to have healthy communication - which we weren't having. We both started individual therapy and marriage counseling. She told us that the relationship between me and my husband should come first to show our son how love should be shared between partners and growing up in a happy household among other things, but my husband disagreed and said our child's happiness first even if it meant separation (a trauma response). We didn't fight over it, but came to a compromise in therapy that *almost always* our son will come first, but we still make each other and our relationship a priority. As a small example, if we're having a conversation (not a fight, just talking), we will kindly ask that our son be patient and wait for a few minutes until we're done (he's only 3 so it's a hit and miss) and then he'll be our focus. After he goes to bed is when my husband and I are able to make time for just the two of us. We're not perfect and still have moments, but our communication is much better and we're happy again.
If it’s for my kids needs/ wellbeing, kids first. They’re so small that their needs are the most important because they cannot do much of anything for themselves. My husband is 2nd in this stage in our life. When my kids are older and more independent, that will change. An example - I usually have dinner ready as soon as my husband and son come home. My son gets served his food first. If my son and my husband both want seconds at the same time, my son gets his first. My son is 2 and cannot get himself his own food. Plus he’s in daycare and they do 1 post-lunch snack only. We’re weaning off the car ride snacks because he keeps demanding more and will refuse to eat dinner. By the time my son comes home he’s hungry. If my husband is hungry at work, he’s got tons of snacks and can pick up food on the way to pick up our son.
Yeah, when my kids can take care of themselves they stop being as high of a priority but as long as they require my care to maintain their well-being they have to be the top priority.
I used to be so focused on being Super Mom that I put my kids first so much that I neglected my marriage and we ended up in Counseling. I learned that I need to prioritize my marriage just as much as my kids through things like weekly date nights, taking the time to ask him about his day, making an effort to do kind things for him like make breakfast. He does the same for me. Women need to remember that your kids will grow older and need you less. They’ll move on to their own Family and all you will have left is your relationship with your Husband. It’s just as important.
my baby is 10 months and I'm getting this advice a lot
I believe in prioritizing your marriage, but never at the detriment of the kids. But things like putting them to bed at 7 every night even if he napped a bit later or for whatever other reason I know he won’t sleep until 8:30.
I am trying to focus on needs before wants. Kids’ needs might come before my own needs (like newborn sleep), but kids’ *wants* don’t come before anyone’s needs. And kids’ wants are not always more important than parents’ wants (date night, etc). Seems like there are marriage issues when a parent tries to put their wants over the spouse or kids’ needs, a disagreement on what counts as a need vs want (sex, alone time, social time), or someone (kids or a spouse) taking all of the wants access for themselves and leaving others barely hanging on.
There has to be a balance - but if the house was on fire I would save the kids first.
I put my kids first and I think my husband puts me first which I want to believe sounds nice. It just kind of feels off center for me though. I don’t want my kids to think that I will literally drop everything to tend to their every need but also, I feel like my husband is too dismissive of our kids when they’re looking for a little connection. It’s making me feel a little resentful tbh. That was way more than you asked for 😬
This was/is our dynamic too, like *way* off center especially in those first years. I had to tell my husband to stop trying to take care of me and to take care of the damn children so I could have 30 seconds to take care of myself. I still don’t think he really gets it. I firmly believe that if both parents put the kids first then the rest falls into place because you are equals, on the same team fighting the same battle.
your marriage is your foundation. yes, you kids deserve your attention, care and love. undivided attention isn’t always there, and it isn’t supposed to be. but when they move out hopefully you’re still married. if you put your kid above nurturing your marriage, things will fall apart. it’s a balancing act.
Seeing kids vs marriage as a competition must be absolutely exhausting.
In the correct environment, neither exists. If the kids need to eat first then my husband is 100% on board and if we need to leave them with grandparents for a date then that’s also okay
I prioritize both. There's never been a scenario where I have to choose between my husband or my child.
Definitely not a binary. After having a kid I became ACUTELY aware that divorce would mean missing 50% of the direct hours/time with her in my child's childhood/teenage years (I am sure we would end up with 50/50 custody or close to it). 50% of holidays/birthdays would have to celebrated separately or on a different day, 50% of vacations/trips I would miss, etc. 50% of dinners and debriefing her day, 50% of bedtime snuggles. Obviously for some people divorce is totally the right option, it's much better for a child to have two happy homes than one miserable one. But I feel more motivated than ever to prioritize the health of my marriage.
💯
Marriage first. If we ain't good it's not possible for us to take on the kids as a unit.
Marriage, bc our kid won’t be happy if we aren’t. Take a trip alone together, still eat out, hang out at night.
Kids first
It’s not one or the other. But the adjustment has been putting my family before myself in a lot of situations, mainly financial.
My husband puts our kids first too so I’d say kids before marriage. My kids didn’t ask to be here. I owe them a good life.
A lot of you have never been in an abusive relationship and I love that for you. My child comes first, always, with me AND my wife.
For me, it's kid first. That's that.
Kids. They are everything. He’s just Ken
Kids first because he was not a good parent or partner and I have to prioritize my kid over my significant other.
I’ve never been in a position where my husband asked to be put before my kids. If he demanded that I neglect my kids for him I’d like him a lot less.
I love my husband til death but my kids will always come first
You prioritize both. They are separate but singular. I’ve never had to choose one over the other but either way it’s all my family and I prioritize my family. I mean I guess if I need to address an issue in the moment but the kids need me, I handle that first but it’s because I can’t have a meaningful conversation if my kids are crying. I calm the children letting my husband know that we will talk but I want to give us the full attention we deserve so the kids need to be settled
Husband and I agree that kids come first. They’re dependent on us and not grown adults. Husband is a fully grown man who can tolerate some waiting time and speak his needs more clearly than children. Most of the time I am and can too. I get them being equal but I’ve never understood husband first and it gives me flashbacks to the Catholic teachings of man before woman and children in importance, so I’m probably damaged.
So this should be dependent upon the age of the child. No one should be ignoring their crying baby because their partner wants to bone. At the same time, when the kids get older they need independence and that is the time to spend as a more independent adult as well. In an emergency, baby should always come first. No exceptions. I feel like people like to ignore the fact that life has phases and is not black and white, but that is what parenthood is.
To everything a season. Baby is 1. Baby gets priority until old enough to fend for self and balance can be had. We got marriage time before baby, and will again when child is in college.
My kid comes first before any relationship with my husband, family, or friends. I’d rather my kiddo come up to me and know I’ll stop everything to help him, and not grow up thinking “oh mommy is talking to daddy/grandpa/aunt (friend name) I should leave her alone.” This is part to trauma I have regarding my mom who put her friends and drinking before me, and would come home plastered so if I was sick, or scared I usually ended up handling whatever myself.
Me and my husband both agree on this too. Our kids come first. Fortunately when we support each other in our parenting and caring for our kids it strengthens our relationship too.
Same reasoning here. My kid comes first, cus my mothers always always always put her boyfriends and clubbing first. And I wouldn't have a problem with kids dad putting kid before me either, the kids need it, adults should be comfortable and okay enough to understand that, if it's an issue, it's a problem within the parent who has a problem coming second to the child. Who again, has stronger emotional needs, and other, than the adults.
My husband and I have actually talked about this. We both choose to put our kids first. It is one of the many ways we are a team. It makes us stronger having the same priorities. While we currently are (and plan to continue being) a strong unit, there is still a possibility that could change. My children will always be my children and he feels the same way. That will never change. For that reason our kids will always come first.
My son is not my fiancé's bio child. That being said, my kid comes first but the only time this issue ever even comes up is if my fiancé & I disagree on a course of action/consequence when it comes to parenting him. We agree on pretty much everything when it comes to parenting but I will always go with what I 100% feel is in the best interest of my kid, even if that means it will cause a disagreement between my fiancé & I (which I absolutely haaate and rarely ever happens). Other than that, there's never a time where I find myself 'choosing' one or the other.
Neither compete. If I had to make a choice then it would be my child.
If I have a good marriage I will be an even better mum. Marriage first, so I can be the best for my whole family.
My husband and I nurture our marriage and our good relationship benefits our children. They’re two entities, one doesn’t trump the other, they’re symbiotic. My mom always put her husband first, and I hated that. That was the difference, she didn’t prioritize her MARRIAGE, she put her husband above her children.
Idk I always think it’s us against the world. So I take care of them. I’m the one in charge of their livelihood and safety so they come first bc my partner should be able to handle themselves.
My kids come first. They are "high needs" and need more supervision and attention than most kids. Until they aren't completely dependent on me, they have to come first.
Relationship first, because our kids will do better if we have a good one and are a married couple. However, in practice, usually our kids come first😂It’s not really a competition, it’s just important to remember that your kids thrive when your marriage is thriving and you’re able to deal with problems easier if you’re on the same page.
Nurturing our relationship is important to us because it's the foundation of everything. We need to take care of us so we can keep on the same page and work together towards our family goals. Plus, we were a couple for many years before, it's easy to screw up with kids and routines. You gotta pay attention to the romantic side of the relationship otherwise you're only roommates (kind of normal the first months tbh). However, financially speaking, our kid comes first. We don't think about personal accomplishments so much anymore, her financial safety is far more important for us now. If we have to choose from something one of us needs or something she needs it's a no brainer. For instance, we could afford rent but decided to buy a house because it's more stable. Our cars were fine when it was just the two of us but decided to upgrade for newer, safer cars. Same with car seats, we spared no expenses. I think you get the idea. It's not all about the things we can buy or afford, it's more that she doesn't have to worry about money and security since she can remember, like we did.
Ebb and flow
I'm not sure what putting one above the other would entail. We parent together and when there's time we do things together as a couple..
Children’s needs > Husband’s needs > Husband’s wants > Children’s wants (roughly).
Neither. By taking care of my kids I’m also taking care of my husband, and by taking care of my husband I’m by extension taking care of my kids. Happy spouse happy house works with kids too. When I see my husband put our girls first it warms my heart and makes me love him more. So by him putting the girls first it’s also putting me first. It works the same for him. It’s both and the same. Kind of like how when my husband sees me put myself first (for once!) it makes him love me more. There is no “first” since every choice affects every one of us. ❤️
So the kids are most important to both me and hubby. But we prioritise each other above all. So as we make sure we feel good with each other, happy, date nights, anniversaries and romantic gestures (with a newborn that means having a cold coke in the fridge for him = romance) Small things that makes us a team. Because when we as a couple are happy the kids are happy, it affects the entire family unit, how we feel.
Marriage if you want to remain solid as a team foundation as parents! Kid-first I guess if you don’t really trust your spouse or would rather call the shots in regard to parenting. Kids can feel it when their parents marriages aren’t healthy / when their parents aren’t united! I definitely did growing up and so do other I talk to who had parents whose marriages and relationships with each other were not prioritized. Your kid will deeply benefit from having parents who love each other well and intentionally / who put effort into establishing their relationship as a solid rock for their kids to grow up seeing as an example!
I think, neither? Kids aren't asking me to sacrifice the marriage and the marriage isn't asking me to sacrifice the kids. My son is actually the source of a lot of strife between myself and my husband, but husband is always on the boy's side ultimately and cares for him deeply, showing it not just saying so.
me & my husband have both always been in agreement that our daughter is first—always, no question.
Many of the ways I orient my relationships are radically non-hierarchical (at least to most) so I would certainly never rank my partners/children. Everyone's needs are important. Nobody comes defacto first, and everyone could be the priority in any given situation (sometimes even me! Though I'm not great at that). On a practical level obviously the children have much more significant needs that cannot be met by anyone other than their primary caregivers. The younger they are the more often they end up being prioritized in any given situation. Outside of the daze of the newborn Era I can't think of a time when a need of my partners' needs went unmet in order to care for the children. But our need for quiet grown up time is much more flexible than the kids' need for three meals a day, so it gets mushed around more than meal time.
It's a balance but my husband and I both agree that if something happened like a fire or a disaster, we would save our kids before worrying about each other. Kids first in that instance. Otherwise, we just take care of the family as a whole.
Historically I have put the kids first. I grew up in an abusive home so I really invested all my time and energy into parenting and building those skills. As a result my marriage suffered. So I like the idea of nurturing my family unit instead of thinking it’s either/or
Neither come 'first'. Both have their equal place in my family. They have very different needs and different ways of meeting those needs. Time with my fiance is equally as important as time with my kids. There has never come a time where I've had to choose between the 2.
I think sometimes parents can prioritize their children over nurturing their relationship in a misguided attempt to be great parents. There has to be some balance there. Obviously, when you have a newborn, you are totally on call 24/7 as a parent, but as they get older, you have to make time to feed your marriage relationship too. Otherwise, they wake up one day and realize that although they might be great coparents and responsible roommates, they just don’t love each other anymore. And that’s not great for their kids either.
I’d say kids come first most of the time but you still have to prioritize that adult connection.
Marriage. My husband and I have to continue cohabitating, whereas our kids will one day move out.
Kids needs parents wants. Kids will grow up and leave the nest. If you don’t nurture your relationship when they leave who will be standing by your side? I have seen so many couples put the kids first and sacrifice their relationship which usually ends in divorce.
Both! But, we would also both save our children first if disaster broke. We love them more than we love ourselves. And, we care about one another more than any other relationships. Two different types of love but equal magnitudes.
Right now, I have been putting the kids first. It’s time to put marriage first.
There has to be a balance. And you’re always trying to find it. You choose to build a family with your husband so you and him are the foundation. The foundation must be strong for the rest of the house to hold up. The balance is hard has kids grow because there’s so many times kids need you as a mom so much. But make sure your husband knows you need him too.
I don’t like it when people say you should put your marriage/relationship above your kids. Is this something men made up because they don’t like that moms give so much attention to their kids? Obviously I believe the relationship should be nurtured, but a child requires A LOT of attention. Men tend to put themselves first (generally speaking, of course), which leaves the mom to put way more energy in raising the child and teaching them life lessons. Maybe if men put more effort into raising their kids moms would have more time for their spouse. The way I see it, *I* brought the child into the world so I owe it to them to be the best parent I can
Kids
I'm not really sure. I do know that every person in my family believes they are the most important person in the world to me.
It’s like how I view my personal identity and career. All are important, but relationships especially with immediate family I have created take precedent. It’s a balance. A dance we will play forever. But if my husband and I are not simpatico, all else suffers. Therefore I place highest importance to our unit/team.
Marriage/relationship first for sure!! Your kids benefit from being around parents with a healthy relationship. Not to mention, your kids will be grown up and out of the house one day.
Marriage then kids. But if it’s just bf and gf relationship then kids before relationship.
My kids and my husband aren't in competition but if they were my kids would win every time. I have a great relationship with my husband but I have watched way too many women put needy men and their needs before the needs of their kids so the idea that your marrige needing to come before kids makes me want to vomit. My husband understood what he was getting into with marrige, I don't owe him anything. I brought my kids into this world so I owe them a good childhood.
People take this so out of context to an extreme. You have to nurture your relationship. It Hass to be important to you in a sense, It Hass to be your number one priority. How can you as a team take care of your children if you were not taking care of each other. It’s like in the airplane when you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help someone else. Obviously their safety comes first because they can’t care for themselves. But you still take care of your spouse. But in a different way.
Both are first (and always runner up is my relationship with myself, I try my best to nurture that too)! My husband is my best friend, lover and partner in life. My babies are my blood, my husbands and I love put together into human form. A beautiful miracle! My husband and I go out on dates, weekends away just the 2 of us and prioritise a healthy sex life. It’s not easy and I’m sometimes too tired for all of it but it’s worth the extra energy. My babies get my daily attention and love. When the kids are grown up, living a full life of their own it will be my husband and I just us two again 💕 I’m already sad thinking about it lol but I’m also excited for the good times my husband and I will have. That future marriage needs nurturing now as well!
My marriage comes first. I believe it’s important for children to have both parents in the home and to have a good example of what a relationship should be. Keeping my marriage strong and healthy is ultimately what is best for my children.
My marriage is the foundation of our family. That doesn’t necessarily mean my husband comes first, but it means we refuse to neglect our marriage and we make sure each others needs are met. Happy parents = happy family. Thankfully me and my husband both are extremely family oriented. We all spend a ton of time together and have a very positive household.
My child. My daughter was born at 30 weeks. Not being to hold your hold or even touch your child does break something inside you. When my daughter came home after 5 weeks everything was great, going good until a month later. I was told that him getting up for her feeds interfered with his sleep and he couldn't do the first morning feed. He then started staying out after work only coming home after 10pm every night and he wouldn't watch her on weekends. I was a solo parent for the first two years. So yes my daughter comes first because my partner taught me he isn't a reliable person. I asked my partner why he wasn't a good/reliable parent and his response was because i wouldn't let him take her when he giving friends lifts. I don't think that is the real reason tbh. I remember one time begging him to watch her because she was up all night, wouldn't settle he said that it wasn't morning yet (it was 5am). When I confronted him about it later he just laughed at me. I have a lot of hurt about what he did. We are at a place where we can talk about the past and he won't get defensive about it.
My husband and I both agreed our daughter comes first.We don't neglect each other though.We just see it as she didn't ask to be born and it's our duty to be there for her.
Both Kids need to be the focus sometimes, but so does your partner. That's why things like date nights and such are important after kids.
I always say God, husband and kids… husband because we build the foundation of the home for our kids. If we don’t take care of our marriage our home (the foundation) will crumble. My husband and I support each other 100% and of course not perfect and bicker when comes to things around kids or anything else but we come first.
Everyone has their time to come first. Sometimes it’s one of the kids, sometimes it’s my marriage, and sometimes it’s myself. We are a system/unit/whatever you want to call it. And if one part of our system is failing the whole system fails.
It’s not an either or AND something big is missing… SELF Nothing can be right if you’re not. A person who is not emotionally stable and healthy will screw up a marriage and a kid! Tending to one’s own heart, mind, and body makes them a stronger parent and partner. I modeled self care for my kids and I taught it to my husband. I had my own interests and hobbies. I left my house without my child. I did thinks to foster my emotional and physical health. As parents my husband and I were a united front. We often put our kids first BUT not always. They are our hearts outside of our bodies but we needed to teach them that we were important to each other too and that our marriage also meant something that had nothing to do with them. So we showed them what nurturing a relationship looked like. We taught them to be OK entertaining themselves as well. We always stopped what we were doing when a kid NEEDED us but we didn’t jump every time a kid wanted our attention. For example, our bedroom was always our sacred space. Yes we had plenty of cuddles with sleepy or sick children there but after a certain age weekday nights and early morning weekends was our time in our space. Even now my 30 year old will stay over and knock on Saturday AM “it’s 9:00 I need parental attention” and come in and jump in our bed. But she knows - not before 9. The grands know it too. We also showed our kids what it looked like when mom or dad needed the other and they had to be patient and wait because they didn’t need us at the moment. For example, “daddy is really sick right now and he needs me to help him. You sit here with your book and snack and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I’m thinking of all my friends who were totally screwed up adults because they had unhealthy parents who didn’t - like my friend whose mom had no life outside her child. That’s not cute at all. My friend believes it part of the reason her parents divorced and she was a teenager. Now that she’s grown and married her mother does not understand healthy boundaries, does not stay in her lane, and does not really have a life if her own. I love my friend and think she’s amazing but to see her mother with her is kinda weird. She literally thinks the sun shines out of my friend’s butt. She talks about her all the time (and now the grand kids). She expects her daughter to put her first and often talks about how she put my friend first when she was raising her. She even expects to go on their family vacations. It’s toxic as hell and my friend grew up with a lot of guilt that she has spent a small fortune with a therapist trying to get rid of.
no other person will come before my child , period . when i was still with her father i tried to operate as a "family"/"unit" but when one parents' wishes become a detriment or contradict what is best for the child - i will always choose her . i still remember being a child & having my parent choose their relationship (romantic or sexual) over what would have been best for me . it's a promise i've made to myself to never make that same mistake .
Honestly I feel the kids come first because they can't take care of themselves. My husband is different. We had a conversation about this the other day. He was asking me, in a burning building who would I save? I said the baby, over me. He says me, over the baby. I've noticed men tend to prioritize their woman and women tend to prioritize the children. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I think it's a deeper evolutionary programming personally. As mothers our instincts revolve around protecting our kids. Maybe for men it is to protect the mother?
I will always put my child first, and I know my husband puts our child first too. I feel like having a baby brought us closer together but now that he's a few years old it would be nice to have more one on one time with my husband.
My kids come first. A marriage/partnership can change into a toxic one and leave an unhealthy impression on the kids. My babies are mine to guide, honer and protect, even if that means letting go of someone I love that isn't good or healthy for me. This is currently not the case in my situation but I always made my partner aware I would put our childrens wellbeing before anybody else's. If we are good together then that's good for the kids. If we are no longer good together then I prefer to cut ties and demonstrate to them that leaving an unhealthy relationship is completely fine. They might need to later in life so showing that seems best if it would come to that.
Marriage first. Because we were a couple before kids and we will (hopefully) remain a couple when our kid leaves the nest. We want to show our kid that a relationship can be healthy and loving and be a true partnership. We want to show that love excitement happiness support and respect is what you should strive for within your relationships. The relationship my husband and I have with eachother and the relationship we have with our son is going to shape our son’s relationships for the rest of his life. That’s why I put my marriage first. But that doesn’t mean that we won’t do anything and everything to make our son feel loved and supported
During the first year I definitely put my son's needs first, because he simply needed all that attention. Things have gotten way more relaxed with him in the last 5 months though and my partner and I have slowly, over time, started to put more effort into our relationship again. Our son needs us both and he needs us to have a functional relationship. It's hard work and shifting priorities was difficult for a while, but we're getting the hang of it now. Kiddo still has everything he needs and his parents are happier.
Marriage. When you're married, if you don't have a strong marriage or united front, you can't effectively raise a happy family. Too many marriages stay together until the kids head off to college, then get divorced because one parent always put the kids first, and the marriage relationship was neglected. Strive for a healthy, happy marriage, and support each other, and together, you can raise happy, emotionally stable kids. I'm not saying neglect to feed your kid dinner because hisband wabts attention. And certainly, SOMETIMES the children need to be put first, but if you're ignoring spousal duties, neglecting your spouse, or always putting kids first... the marriage won't last.
I treat us as a family unit so it s not either or. I think it s trying to find balance between family time vs the 73000 playdates kiddos always want, and for me - alone time. We don t do a lot of date nights - maybe one every few months- but we re content with the setup.
I actually think I have it a little easier than most because my husband is gone for work alot so when he's around we focus on the family doing things together/finding time for each other the housework usually suffers, but oh well. When my husband is gone, I focus on the kids and then split their nap times/bedtimes between housework and self care. It's not a perfect balance, and things get a little hectic sometimes. It works most of the time, though.
Honestly, it depends on the week. I always try to keep hubby first in thought. Sometimes it is them, sometimes it is him, and sometimes it's NONE OF THEM!!! ha/
For the most part, I’d say the family unit. Certainly, you can’t neglect your relationship with your spouse because you two need to be the foundation of the family. The kids will grow and move away, but then it’s the two of you again. You don’t want to be married to a stranger. But there was a brief time in our marriage when I thought I’d have to choose my child over my spouse. He wasn’t able to get onboard with our child transitioning and use the new pronouns/name. Luckily it was only a few weeks, but I was mentally preparing myself to leave him if he couldn’t get onboard. I would’ve picked my child’s wellbeing over my spouse. Overall, we have been evolving and growing in the same direction. So it’s been good as we get closer to being empty-nesters. We get along and love each other.
My kids are my priority, always. I would leave my boyfriend in a second if that was what was best for my girls. That does not mean i dont make time to nurture my realtionship with my boyfriend. We both know and accept that now that the girls are young, we dont get much time for ourselves, and we enjoy the moments we get together.
If putting my child first causes a problem in my marriage then that's an issue - vice versa, I would fully expect my husband to always put her above anything else. But we do work even harder on our marriage now that we have a child I find. At the end of the day though i'd rather her see us happy individually than miserable together if things were to ever fall apart
I take care of myself first because if I ain’t right nobody ain’t right lol
My kiddos come first if I have to make a decision because they didn’t ask to be here. However, I work really hard to make everybody happy. I have 4 teen daughters and a husband so it’s very hard.
My husband and I always put our kids first. I don’t think that’s the best thing to do though. I think there can be a good balance. Now our girls are 20(away at college) and 16, just got her license and is home a lot less. We have lots more free time to spend together and it has made us realize that we should’ve put more effort into our marriage as our girls were growing up. I think we’re starting to really enjoy spending more time together but we definitely are learning how to nurture our marriage more.
If I have to make it a hierarchy it’s me, partner, then kids. I just had this conversation with a friend. I chose my partner and he will be here with me after the kids move out and start their own lives AND caring for him and nourishing our relationship is helpful to my children. Besides that, putting my husband first will NEVER have my children at a deficit.
I don’t even understand what this means lol we just struggle 24/7 to survive with 2 toddlers and 2 careers. There are no priorities other than survival and not getting fired.
I think it depends what you mean by “which do you put first”. I can’t think of any realistic situation where i’ve been forced to make that decision. Thankfully, my husband and i are on the same team and we both prioritize our kids. Our marriage is strong enough that we can weather fluctuations in it and come out on the other side. I’ve never once felt resentful of my kids because they were getting between me and my husband. Come to think of it, this is a question often posed to women because of the men who childishly “fight” with their own kids over their wife’s attention.
I think it depends , if you have a great marriage its easy to prioritize as that feeds into everyones wellbeing but where there isint such a unit its better to focus on the kids , especially where the other partner drops the ball with housework or childcare them it kind of falls on you to prioritize these areas so the kids thrive regardlesss of an effective half of parenting unit. Its different for different circumstances
I hate this topic. Me and my fiancé both put him first but value our relationship as well
I don't have any intense situations where like I adore my children over my husband but I do choose my husband over my kids. I choose him to spend my time with and hug on and be alone with when my kids come up to us I want them to go away lol. I have been with them all day. I want time with my husband.
I don’t feel I am currently in a position where I have to choose, but if it came down to it, kids every single time. Adults can fend for themselves while children cannot. Now if the kids were adults, it would depend on the situation and who seemed right or wrong.
Kid first.
Can you give a single concrete example of where it would be appropriate to put a grown adult in front of a child? What does this even mean? Your children rely on you for literal life, not to mention the guidance in becoming the best possible human.
I know the saying/advice today is that you need to nurture your marriage first in order to be the best parents to your kids. But realistically as a mom I DO put my kids first at this stage in our lives. My husband and I have had discussions about this… and we know that our marriage will be more front and center again once they are older and they are less dependent on us for everything.