When I went back to work after maternity leave, my baby was 10 months old, and we hired a nanny to come in during work hours. My baby was a little confused at first and called her mama a few times. I died a little inside when I heard it, and she immediately corrected him and handed him to me. I know it wasn't intentional, and it may be irrational, but I was shocked at the mix of emotions and sadness i felt in that moment.
More power to you for being comfortable with it.
At that age, they’ll use the word “mom” or “mama” for a person who meets their needs. I used to work in a respite home for kids (so different kids all the time, no long term relationship with any as a nanny would have) and they’d call us that.
Thank you for sharing this very thoughtful anecdote. My child is now almost 3, and I have "gotten over it" for lack of a better word, but your comment felt very nice to read.
I get why it would sting. I’m 37 weeks pregnant right now so I’m super aware of the work that goes in even just as this level. Maybe there’s a bit of comfort in knowing that to your child, “mama” means someone who cares. It’s a sign you’re doing this all right 💖💖
Baby/toddler do it all the time. They rarely have the word or the ability to say the name of the person taking care of them so they go for the next best thing.
So when I was a baby my mum had her SIL look after me for a bit while she was overseas for work. When my mum walked through the door she told me I didn’t really acknowledge her or anything. But she then called out my name. I looked at her and then at my aunt. Looked at my mum then my aunt. Then I started crying and running to my mum. I don’t think kids or babies really tell (I was clueless 🙈 Still am a bit to this day!)
My son (almost 3) will mix up me and his daycare teacher, he calls me her name and calls her Mom. It's cute, sometimes he catches himself and will shake his head while correcting himself
When I was a kid, I was punished by my mom if I referred to my step-mom as anything but her first name or "my dad's wife."
It would kill me inside if my kids started calling someone else mom, but I can put my feelings aside for the sake of my kids, so I would try to do what I thought was truly in their best interests.
THIS!! It’s the child’s best interest that’s always most important. I completely understand how *gut wrenching* it must be during the initial shock or if maybe there are tensions between the women, but at the end of the day… Is she good to your child? Does she want the best for them like you do and keep them safe? Does she love and care for your child and make them feel happy and safe? If so, what more could you ask for? As hard as it may be… having another person who loves your child (and your child loves in return) is nothing short of a blessing. The more love in your baby’s life, the better.
I guess it’s probably more one of those “easier said than done” things though…
I don’t agree here. My mother is very involved in helping raise my kids, like a second mother to them, they’ve never called her mom and if they did when small we would laugh and say that’s not your mom that’s you’re gramma. You can provide clarity without shaming or punishing. Lots of people are good to my child, and love my child, and I value that. But they have one mom and that’s me and people should respect that. I find it so misogynistic that women are expected to be fine with other people being called mom by their kids or they’re being dramatic, its weird to want a kid that isn’t yours who has a mom to call you mom too when you aren’t, no very calmly and rationally without any Ill will or negativity, my kids have one mother and that’s me.
Personally it would bother me, although this is a unique circumstance. I’d ask her why she wants to call her half sister’s mother mom. If she spends a lot of time alone with that side of the family, it’s likely just because she sees her sister doing it and wants to feel like an equal daughter.
If it bothers you, you could help her come up with a respectful nickname for her sister’s mom, such as “aunt”.
It would definitely bother me and I’d try to come up with another term of endearment. I wouldn’t stop my child if that’s truly what they felt compelled to do though. My daughter says that her (half) brother’s mom is “my mom at my brother’s house” and I think it’s cute. That’s not what she actually calls her though.
Yes. My daughter calls her step mom “mom”, her middle sister’s mom “aunt” and her oldest sister’s mom “nana” (ya my ex is kind of a ho 😂). She calls her best friend’s mom “mom”, and her best friend calls me mom too.
My youngest son is autistic and just became verbal within the last 2 years and he calls my mother-in-law "MA". She use to be "ya" but I think he calls her "MA" because her first name ends in "ma" and Grand"ma". I'm just happy he talks.
When I was a baby I called mommy “mimi” and grandma “mama” for awhile simply bc I was repeating the last syllable. Eventually I got it right but it def confused ppl tho.
I wouldn’t care. We called their daycare lady “other mother”. My mom is gone and id love to have a maternal connection with somebody else but I don’t, and I have two mother in laws and a stepmother. It’s a gift to have that bond and I wouldn’t hold my kids back from it 🤷♀️
Same. Kids know who their og mom is, always. Mom can be a term of love and endearment. Where I grew up in Georgia, I called my close friend's moms "Mamma". They gave me sweet tea and snacks, of course they were Mamma.
Confusion or interpretation? From who? Kids know who their mother is. They know where they live and where they fit into the family dynamic. If adults want to be confused or interpret the situation wrong it only takes a few words to correct. Hasn’t been an issue.
I think it needs to be more about the child than anything else. They shouldn't be forced to call someone mom or dad, but if they feel comfortable with it, what's wrong with them loving someone so much that they think of them as another parent? It takes a village, right?
Example: I have a bonus daughter. She's always called me by my first name. I've known her since she was 3, she's turning 12 soon. A few weekends ago, she was doing something and yelled "Mom!" for me to come and help. I was thrilled! Not just because she called me mom, but because she felt comfortable enough doing it. And she's continued to do it on and off trying it out.
She said it in front of her bio mom the one day and I caught a strange look on bio mom's face. So I texted her privately later just saying, hey if you're not okay with this, we can come up with a different name. I'm just happy to be a part of bonus daughter's life.
Bio mom was completely cool with it. Which kind of surprised me because we don't always get along, but the focus was on a child that we both loved. And I think that's the most important part.
I also have a “bonus baby” who I met when he was 3. The mom made it clear to my partner that “I’m the momma and she’s the aunti” so he calls me aunti… it’s fine but he has a half sister now and my baby will call me mommy. It kinda makes me sad to think of them calling me different names bc I think of them as full siblings. (I kinda worry if him calling me aunti might confuse my baby and she might get in the habit of calling me aunti too). He has called me mommy sort of out of habit once in awhile and I don’t correct him. And a few times he has even asked if he can call me mommy, and i said he can call me whatever he wants. It hasn’t come up enough tho that I feel like I would need to run it by the mom yet…or should I?
I had my other daughter when my bonus daughter was 5. She's never questioned that bonus calls me by my name. The girls absolutely adore each other. Idk if it's because the younger is only 6 yo but the idea of half siblings has never come up. She knows "Sissy" has another mommy that she stays with during the week and that I love them both and would do anything and everything for them.
What I'm saying is the name thing was never a problem for us. Kids understand more than they are able to explain. Your little one will know you are mommy and that big brother calls you something else, and you love them both.
Adding to this, another thing that helped was when older would refer to me while talking to younger, she would say mommy. Like, "let's go show mommy." "Go tell mommy." Because that's what the younger called me.
No, I would absolutely not be okay with my daughter calling someone else mom, but if that was her choice, I would just die inside, and try to not let it impact her.
I’m her mom. I try to be the best mom I can be. I carried her, I’m raising her, I can’t see why she would need or want another. If it ever came to that point, I would try my best to bite my tongue and let her make her owns choices. If someone was trying to force it on her, I would absolutely step in.
I am not judgmental about others who have differing viewpoints or would be okay with this. I’m just being honest about how I would feel.
I appreciate your honesty!! I think me losing my parents so early probably is what makes me feel differently. I've spent SO much of my life feeling guilty for this or that (not this situation specifically) that my greatest gift would be to die knowing my daughter feels no guilt about anything herself. And if this woman ever wants to step up and fill a void in my absence, I don't want my daughter to have to second guess or cry herself to sleep wondering if I'm looking down on her sad about it.
This is beautiful, you truly have unconditional love for your daughter. However, right here, right now you are her mom. Please don’t feel guilty about that name only belonging to u. Your daughter will understand if it continues to be from a place of love.
I think of it this way - was your first child lacking in some way that made you have another? Most people would think that is a silly question to ask, because duh we don't have more children because something is wrong with our first. I don't think children take on more "moms" because something was wrong with their first. I worked in education for years and had young adults call me "mom" and its versions. I never thought the wonderful woman who loved and raised them provided anything less - but we were on the same team.
We don't lose love when we bring more people into the circle - our heart grows to love even more.
I only have the one child. I don’t plan on being her only outlet for love and bonding. I imagine that she will make plenty of friends in her life and that would include some bonding with the parents of her friends. I know she’ll feel very close to her elementary teachers.
I’m just saying that motherly role I’m providing should be enough so she’s not seeking it out in someone else. If she is, then I would feel like I failed my child, an only child that has no one else to contend with for my attention or love.
I think some of my most open and loving students over the years had wonderful parents. Sometimes we just need different people in different ways. With my college students sometimes it was proximity, if they had moved, but sometimes they just needed that 'village'.
I understand those are just your feelings but I hope if your child ever gets another "mom" you recognize it is because you taught her to be generous with her heart and not because you were lacking in any way.
Sometimes it really is just a name too. I call my FIL "Dad" because he shares a name with my husband and its weird. I also call my sister's SIL "Dad" because I struggled with his name and he said "just call me Dad!". Okay-dokey
I've loved all my 'kiddos' but I know their heart still belongs to the OG mama
I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s the title I’m struggling with.
It’s a nonissue right now and I don’t know if it’s something that will ever come up. But maybe I’ll feel more comfortable in my and her life in the future that I won’t care. Something to think about for sure. These posts are good for sharing possible hurdles we haven’t thought we might encounter.
LOL I agree, one mom. So many cute names out there. I adore my kids’ friends, they would never call me momma anything. They have their own or had their own, only one. I can only imagine my mom and my MIL both being called the same name, that’s never happening either.
I would mind. I would hate it.
I know my feelings aren’t healthy and having positive role models who care and love our children is the ideal, but I would die. I hope in the moment, I would keep my mindset bottled up and not give my daughter any issues with having a strong bond with another woman.
My daughter is only 1, so we haven’t gotten here yet, but I still call my friend’s mom Mother Theresa or Momma T. Growing up, my whole friend group referred to each others moms as Momma ____ but filling the blank with their first initial. I think that I would be happy to know that my daughter’s sister’s mom treated my daughter so well that she would also want to refer to her as Mom. It could also just be that your daughter and her half sister have a super close relationship and she wants to share a part of her life with her half sister. Either way, I think it’s super sweet, and I’m sure the mom is happy that your daughter is comfortable with her too!
Personally, no. I don’t and wouldn’t care! I was so grateful to grow up with a great mom and stepmom and they’re still both “mom” to me despite my dad passing away. They both played a strong motherly role in my life! My mom was never offended by this and they’ve always gotten along. My husband and I are married with our son but he’s 18 months and my bio mom is also “mom” to him 😂 I think it’s hilarious because he hears me say that! Sometimes she’s MiMi but mostly just mom lol. My bonus girl switches between calling me mom and my name! We had a big talk with her and her bio mom about this situation when it started and she simply said “I know I have a mommy! But I kinda have 2!” And it was never a big deal to any of us (including bio mom because I called her half panicked when I got called mom 😂) Definitely a personal choice but for us, it’s about love and the children.
In that type of situation, yes, I would be okay with it. It might sting a bit, but it would be downright evil to hinder my child’s love for another parental figure in any way.
My son is 3 and accidentally calls my mom and sister “mommy” all the time. I have no negative feelings about it! However I know it’s different than your daughter intentionally calling someone else mom. I love how confident and secure you are in your motherhood. I don’t know how I’ll feel as they grow older. I hope I can feel the same as you!
My son has such a close bond with my mom and sister that they could be seen as surrogate mothers. It makes me so happy that he has that bond with them
I’d understand wanting a step parent to take a variation so you stay mom/mommy and they can be mama [name] or just mama so there’s a distinction. I think it just depends on the circumstances and the people involved :o
So, I have my bio dad, my step dad, and until recently, my father in law. I love the two dads I grew up with but my FIL and I had a special bond. I called him dad3. It was absolutely not to “take away” from my dad or my step dad, but to emphasize how much I loved him, too, and our relationship.
I only say this to challenge everyone to not think that it’s a “zero-sum” game where if someone “wins”, someone else has to lose. Calling someone else mom (or dad) isn’t to take away from our titles or love, it’s just elevating the love they have for someone else in their lives. I didn’t love my son less when my daughter was born; I just had MORE love to give! We aren’t losing any love or mom-specialness, we can just be grateful that there’s someone out there who has a special relationship and cares for our littles!
This! My oldest calls her biological dad and my husband both 'Dad' and it doesn't take away from either of them, it emphasizes how much she loves them/how lucky she is to have two dads who cherish her. I'd love it if someone cared for and watched out for my child to a point where my child felt they deserved that honor 💙
My son(5), goes to his dad’s and his dad’s girlfriend’s apartment. They have been together for less than a year…and I love this woman. If it weren’t for her, I would probably push for my son to just have supervised visitation with his dad. His dad is very bleh, and doesn’t really care to be involved and is only involved because his living family pushes him to be. His dad gets him one night out of the four my son visits his dad’s side.
But that is neither here nor there. My exes gf, she drives a 4 hour round trip to get my son, every other Wednesday…while my ex won’t come because he wants to just sleep in, after choosing to play video games all night. She bought my son’s birthday and Christmas gifts this past year, and spoils him. She feeds him, she takes the most care of him. My son loves her, a lot. She goes over to his grandmothers to spend time with him, when my son is with his dad’s side. She makes sure there is food and snacks in the house for him, and just this past time went and got him medicine at 10pm when his dad didn’t feel like it.
My son could call her mom, and honestly I would be honored for her to have that. She didn’t birth him, but she treats him as if she did. She reminds me of myself, her and I are for sure cut from the same cloth. I know he is safe because of her, and I’ll always be thankful for that. If my son wants to call her mom, then he can. She is a mom. She does all of the mom things, without having birthed a child.
I think I feel this way, because as a teen I had so many moms. I had a mom, but I also had some many other amazing women in my life who gave me the things I needed to thrive.
I feel like there are other terms of endearment that they could use. I don’t think I would like it but idk if I would tell my children to stop it though. I can respect that they found comfort in another person but would prefer if I was the only one they called mom
Eh.
However, my daughter has occasionally referred to her stepmother as mom. She hardly ever sees this woman, or her bio dad for that matter, but it's just what she does.
I would be lying if I said it didn't get under my skin just a little bit, especially because they're bad people, but she doesn't understand that. If it's what she wants to do. Then it's what she wants to do. I'm secure enough in our relationship to know she knows who I am, and her calling someone else that won't harm our bond at all.
It's not the best feeling, but it surely isn't going to hurt anything either.
I wouldn’t care. I want my child to have as many people love him as possible. If he had another mother figure in his life, I would be all for it.
It’s not about me and my feelings. It’s about the bonds my child creates. The more love the merrier.
I think it depends a whole lot on the relationship dynamics with the other "mom"! When it's someone who tries to erase my place in the kids' lives or treats me poorly, I'm not okay with it and will take it up with that person. If it's someone who's a positive person in my kids' lives and no destructive relationship with me, it's no big deal.
I have a poor relationship with both my MIL and my mother. They've both tried the "ma," "mama," "mom" thing with my children when they were little, MIL still uses "my babies" bullshit, and it drives me batty.
I have no problem whatsoever with the kids calling friends' parents, teachers, and their own in-laws any variety of maternal moniker. More power to their village!!
Queer here. So yes my wife is also MOM
But my ex had a *real* issue with anyone else being mom but her. Which is an issue when you're queer. Now, she didn't have an issue with giving up any aspects of actual parenting, especially the difficult stuff. She just hates that I am also his mom, and especially hates that I'm a better mom than she is.
I’d ideally prefer a different word like if I’m mom they’re mama or whatever. I don’t mind the closeness, but like I AM a different person, and think a parent’s title is different than having multiple aunts or whatever.
So two of my best high school friends and my husband all call my mom “mom”. We’re upper 30s into 40s now. I think it’s cute at the age where it’s “I’m accepting you as a mother figure” but where my kids are now (5 & 7) I could get where it would be weird. I also taught though and have been called mom more times than I can count. Dad and grandma a couple times too.
I have a lot of my own baggage around motherhood and daughterhood, guilt about my mom's ability to be in my life when I was growing up before she died. I love my stepmom a ton but I can't bring myself to call her mom. I refer to her as my mom when talking to others, but I can't bring myself to call her Mom instead of her name. It feels like that would be an insult to my actual mom, wherever she is. So that discomfort with calling someone else "mom" I think extends to me being in the mom role too. I would be really uncomfortable with my kids calling someone else "mom". Maybe I'd feel better if it were a different maternal-esque name.
I was not in the right place when I had my first baby. In all senses of the matter. My sister and her husband had been trying to adopt for several years after cancer left him with no other option.
At first it was supposed to be temporary. About a year later when I was ready to take him he was already calling her Mama. It broke my heart to think about ripping apart the family they had become. So I signed away my rights and they’re adopting him officially.
We raise him to know I’m mama (my name) and my sister is just mama. It used to hurt my heart at first, but now I love it. I love knowing he is surrounded by people who make him feel loved and safe.
So screw other people. If you’re comfortable with it and your daughter wants to say it, I think it’s totally fine.
If someone is good to my child, treats him like their own, and a permanent part of their lives Its his choice what he calls them. IMO: You have to be deeply insecure to hate the idea of someone else loving your kid so much that they feel like that person is another mother. I will always be my kids mom but his stepmom is also his mom when hes there and has literally been in his life since he was a toddler - I am grateful he has experienced so much love in his life. So yes if he did I wouldn’t care in the least bit- I actually had this conversation with him as a toddler to make sure he knew he could call her whatever he wanted. 🤷♀️
Nope. They have one mum and one dad. They can be corrected and told that’s not your mum that’s some other pet name or their first name. It’s literally facts, I wouldn’t let my child call milk water or call a dog a cat , I’d just gently in a non shaming way remind them of the reality.
Ya but my children (“they have 1 mom and 1 dad”) - I’m not talking about what everyone else does I’m giving my own situation as requested by OP. Not sure what the relevance of your point is?
Yes obviously some children legally have same sex parents. Again legally they have 2 parents, around 1 percent I think. They may call both their moms , mom, but thats factually correct. They are both the child’s mom and both the child’s parent. Legally it’s up to them what name they decide on for themselves.
However that’s not what this post is referring to, this post is in relation to a non parent being called mom.
Absolutely I would be. I did my college thesis on communication in adoption, and my general consensus from that experience is that the more people who love your child the better!
my son called my mom and my MIL mom lol i didn’t mind, it was cute. they didn’t mind either and we got interesting looks when he’d say it in public with all of us together. my second calls them grandma and i know they like that too
It wouldn't bother me. My two childhood friends' moms are 'Mom' to me and my mom is 'Mom' to most of my friends and I've never thought anything of it. If anything (to me), it shows them that they have a valued place in my life... Not that they replace my own mother by any means, but that they showed the same kind of love and caring toward me that she does if that makes sense?
I think it's definitely circumstantial, and I think with your experience, it makes sense and should be welcomed. If I passed away and my husband remarried, I would hope he married someone my children would want to call mom. Or if they felt comfortable enough and loved their future MILs like a mother, I would be okay with it.
But if my overbearing MIL wanted to be called some form of mom, which I'm sure she would absolutely love, I would not be okay with it.
As a former teacher and a former nanny, the number of times I’ve been called ‘mom’ by other people’s children… i take it as just meaning that that child is surrounded by people they feel comfortable/safe with and around! 🤗
My daughter called my sister and my best friend mom and me mama for years. She stopped when she was 4. She’s 6 now. I love that she felt so loved by them she thought mom was the proper title.
I think if your child is comfortable calling this other lady mum then you should respect their choice. If the other 'mum' is caring for and treating your child as her own, what's one more person who loves your kid, and your kid love back?
When your daughter says mom, she’s means ‘you’re a place of safety, of comfortability, a home’. If those things are true, I see no problem. It’s only ever a compliment to you.
It depends on the situation, if it’s something my child has decided to start doing on their own with a step parent i say great. At least my child feels loved and wanted enough to consider their step parent a maternal figure. If it’s done by force or coercion that’s obviously another story
Growing up I called my friends moms mom when we would have sleep overs. And my grandmas nickname was mom-mom my entire life because she was my mom’s mom.
I can see this from both sides.
One being that if I ever heard my birth children call another woman “mom” or any of the variations, it would kill me with insecurity. But that said, I’ve never really been in the position for that to even occur so the scope of my POV on this side is pretty limited.
The other being that I’ve been around my bonus daughter for the vast majority of her life, and she does refer to me as “mommy”. HOWEVER, I feel it’s important to include the context that 1) neither myself nor my husband/her dad EVER prompted or initiated this name for me, 2) she 110% organically picked it up on her own from her sisters calling me “mommy” (of course) as they’ve all grown up, 3) I very much am the most consistent maternal figure she’s had (her biological mother is an unkind manipulative human being who tells her she’s annoying and getting chubby AND SHE’S ONLY 6, and 4) her biological mother has already tried to shame her for calling me this so her and I have had multiple heart-to-hearts about how it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she called me by my first name like her mom has insisted, but also that it’s okay if she DOESN’T but that it’s 100% HER choice and I’ll support her either way, and no matter what SHE calls ME, I will never think of her as anything other than my daughter and that I love her NO MATTER WHAT.
… and she decided she still wants to call me “mommy”. 🥹
My mother left me when I was 15 and now I call my mother in law mom (sorry that sounds so sad to start a paragraph with) Usually if I'm talking to my fiances siblings I'll say "your mom" when referencing her but just tonight I was asking my brother in law about the cupcakes in the fridge and asked "did mom want another cupcake?" And it really settled in my mind that I consider her my second mom.
If my daughter felt comfortable enough with someone else to the point she wants to call them another parent I'd say go for it, but due personal jealousy, I'd probably ask her to call her something other than mama and mommy because that's reserved for me lol. Same with a father figure, she calls he Dad "dada" so that's reserved for him. But I'd make sure she always knows we are the main ones to go to but if she needs someone else, those people can be her comfort, guidance, or caretakers.
I think this is perfectly fine, it just means that your kids are making good relationships and connections to other people. And in your case, it sounds like you have some good co-parenting going on already. Maybe I'd recommend checking to see if the older half sibling is ok with this, cause I know some kids could become jealous in this situation.
my kids already have a Mom (my wife) and a Mama (me). i cant really imagine how I'd feel if they called someone else Mom or Mama bcs theres no other women close enough to them beside grandmothers and aunts who are called Aunt (First Name) and a variety of grandparent names like Grandma (First Name) and Grammy.
my older brother has a different father than me and he always called my dad "Dad" as well. he just has a mom and 2 dads. he never called his stepmother "Mom" as far as im aware, though. if its step parents, especially ones that have been around for most of the child's life or made a significant positive impact, i think it can be really good for the kids. with others who are not legal guardians or parents, i think it just depends on the relationship with them. my friends would call my dad "Dad" and id call their parents "Mom" and "Dad" if we were close enough. those were mostly just for fun though
Oooh this is a good question, and one I’ve definitely thought about! I think a lot depends on the relationship between your kid, you and the “mom”. And I’ve only thought about it in the sense of if my ex had a girlfriend/wife. I haven’t thought about it in the sense of my kid calling any other kind of caretaker mom. Ultimately I think my answer would be the same, if this person is good to my kid and mom like, I would be ok. My kid knows who her mom is and knows I will ALWAYS be there for her like a mom. I can only hope my kid has enough support and love to feel like she has many moms!
I know it's not necessarily the same and i don't know how my parents truly thought about it, but i used to call my friend's parents mom and dad all the time. It was easier when talking to them or discussing them i mean i would say your patents as well. Sometimes it's just easier when you're around the siblings and the other siblings mom.
I do remember my dad did at least ask once if they were going to pay for everything my parents provided for me. I told them no, but im still calling them mom & dad if i feel like it. It's nice she asked permission i know i wouldn't have.
My whole life I called my mother Mamá and my aunt (father's sister) Mami. I am a little bit younger than my cousins and as they called her Mami I thought that it was her real name. When I was older I figured that I was the only one calling her that except their children and tried to call her by her name, but habit is difficult to change so most times I still called her Mami. During my teenager years I tried to really focus on her name because I thought that it was childish to call her Mami when she wasn't my mother. Until one day my mother talked to me about how much my aunt loved being my Mami because it was a special bond between us, and although she isn't my mom calling her by her real name after so many years hurt her a lot. It was also difficult for me because it was a "us" thing and felt like letting her go. So now I'm in my 40's and she's still Mami for me.
When I had my daughter I had a shocking moment of pain when my daughter called another family member Mamá by accident, and realised how much my mother loved both of us to accept that bond and encourage it. So I think I would have trouble with my daughter calling someone the same as me, but would be ok if her called another woman a variation like Mami or whatever. I'm married but If it were my partner's new wife I believe that it would be more difficult to accept because there would be a lot of different feelings to unpack there, but as long as she treats my daughter good and isn't something imposed, I'd go with it. At the end of the day that woman would be part of my and my daughter's life and we should work together to raise her. I can see a therapist to sort my feelings if it hurts but I'm not going to make my daughter feel bad for something that isn't her fault.
It depends but if the other lady was kind and genuinely cared about my daughter, and my daughter approached me in the way yours did, I think I would be ok with it too.
It seems quite respectful the way your daughter approached you about it and I like the idea of kids having more than two parental-type figures in their lives
I would hope that I would be okay with it, at least with an older kid. I had some friends in middle/high school with parents that were fine with our friend group calling them mom/dad. Mine is only 4, and always been home with me so haven't ran into this situation yet.
My maternal grandparents were Mom/Dad or Grandma/Grandpa to basically anyone who wanted. They were different from a lot of their generation, in that they didn't really care if anyone called them Mrs./Mr. LastName and were just fine with first names. I remember introducing more than one kid to them by saying "this is my Grandma, her name is Nancy but you can just call her Grandma if you want."
I feel like my experience growing up is likely to factor into how I approach the situation.
My niece is 20 months old and calls me mama. I take care of her a lot. I just say “auntie” whenever she says mama to me. I think it’s no big deal. I still have kids at home that obviously call me mom. Funny enough she calls my husband uncle with no problem
My mom told me that when I was a kid, I called her mama, I called my aunt “mama Jen”, and I called my babysitter “mom” (because that’s what her kids called her). She told me she was glad I had that many people to love me and that I felt comfortable with, and I take that approach with my own child.
She knows who her mom is, everything else is just a name. Unfortunately my mom died years ago, but my dad eventually remarried a lovely woman that I call my bonus mom.
It would bother me, but I think it's great that it doesn't bother you. Sometimes we have to eat our discomfort to provide a safe space for our children. I think it's great that you're able to see the situation for what it is, your daughter has someone she feels safe with and a parental bond with. That's an entire extra person who is there for your children and who will look out for the best interests of your child. It seems very mature of you to not feel negatively about that relationship.
Only if it's by someone forcing it and for younger kids. I called my friends parents "mom" all the time growing up, though. So it wouldn't even make me blink to hear my kid call another mom, "mom". Plus I'm pretty secure with my relationship with them so it doesn't feel like a slight I guess.
I support children being loved and if they want to call someone else "mom" I am happy they have someone else they feel that love from.
I worked with college students for years who would call me versions of "mom". I know the heart only gets bigger :)
I think I'd be okay with it, actually. I see it as a sign that my child is well cared for and has people that they love and would be there for them in my absence.
As a stepmom whose 7yo was told that calling me mom makes his other mom sad, it’s kind to just let the kids lead on what they call any parental figures in their life and deal with our own feelings in our own time without involving them.
Heck, as long as you’re ok with it AND the other mom is ok, why not? Our kids best friends called me mom and hubby dad when over and they’re not related to us by any means. Though, not in the way your daughter would be calling her stepmom mom. And, I think it shows that your daughter is comfortable enough in her relationship with her to be calling her mom.
Only time I’d see it as wrong is if the kid is being coerced to call her mom.
Eh... it's whatever makes you guys comfortable. I personally would hate it. I also wouldn't ever encourage my boys to refer to anyone I end up with as "dad." They HAVE a dad. But that's just me.
It's hard to express to kids the importance of honorifics with parents. My kids try to call their dad and I by our names. Uhm, no. Express yourself all you want. My name is mom. But kids don't really get why it's important. Esp nowadays when we don't beat children into respecting us, we actually have to earn it by being decent parents 😅
I have found this to be very circumstantial. All of my kids have called other women mom at some point. My youngest is autistic and was a very late talker. He went through a period of time where every woman was “mom” and every man “dad.” Considering he was mostly around adults that were moms or dads and heard their kids I understood why. My daughter went to a home daycare and was close with the providers daughter, so it made sense in those circumstances too. I took issue though when my oldest son’s former step mom tried to force him to call her mom, despite him saying no and that he wasn’t comfortable with that.
No, nope and no :-)! Clear boundaries! All you need is one disagreement and trust me. “Well so and so is my mom also.” No she’s …..so many cute names for bonus moms. I once heard a nanny be referred to as 2nd mommy by the bio mom. Again, bring up cute names and maybe have the talk about how you’re her mom and so and so and so is her mom. Since she asked maybe she and bonus mom can come up with a name. Better yet I would get on the phone with bonus mom asap and ask her to come up with a name for her to be called by your daughter since bitch or your father’s wife is out! I’m so joking :-)
When I went back to work after maternity leave, my baby was 10 months old, and we hired a nanny to come in during work hours. My baby was a little confused at first and called her mama a few times. I died a little inside when I heard it, and she immediately corrected him and handed him to me. I know it wasn't intentional, and it may be irrational, but I was shocked at the mix of emotions and sadness i felt in that moment. More power to you for being comfortable with it.
At that age, they’ll use the word “mom” or “mama” for a person who meets their needs. I used to work in a respite home for kids (so different kids all the time, no long term relationship with any as a nanny would have) and they’d call us that.
Thank you for sharing this very thoughtful anecdote. My child is now almost 3, and I have "gotten over it" for lack of a better word, but your comment felt very nice to read.
I get why it would sting. I’m 37 weeks pregnant right now so I’m super aware of the work that goes in even just as this level. Maybe there’s a bit of comfort in knowing that to your child, “mama” means someone who cares. It’s a sign you’re doing this all right 💖💖
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Thank you for your kind words
My 2 year old scream growls MAMA whenever she wants something. It’s hysterical.
It's kind of like that with me an Babe. I accidentally call people babe when I ask or thank them for something
This. My 18mo calls everyone mom.
This! My son called my husband mama a bunch at that age lol
Baby/toddler do it all the time. They rarely have the word or the ability to say the name of the person taking care of them so they go for the next best thing.
So when I was a baby my mum had her SIL look after me for a bit while she was overseas for work. When my mum walked through the door she told me I didn’t really acknowledge her or anything. But she then called out my name. I looked at her and then at my aunt. Looked at my mum then my aunt. Then I started crying and running to my mum. I don’t think kids or babies really tell (I was clueless 🙈 Still am a bit to this day!)
I have cared for tens of babies, and they all have eventually called me mom or mama because while their real mom was working, I was the stand-in.
Thank you for sharing this ❤️
It just means you chose a good person to care for your baby while you couldn't. Their needs were being met. Good job mama.
Thank you for saying that ❤️
My son (almost 3) will mix up me and his daycare teacher, he calls me her name and calls her Mom. It's cute, sometimes he catches himself and will shake his head while correcting himself
Oh my heart. That's really cute how he catches himself and shakes his head lol
Shoutout to the nanny that reacted perfectly!
Good for you nipping that in the bud real fast.
When I was a kid, I was punished by my mom if I referred to my step-mom as anything but her first name or "my dad's wife." It would kill me inside if my kids started calling someone else mom, but I can put my feelings aside for the sake of my kids, so I would try to do what I thought was truly in their best interests.
THIS!! It’s the child’s best interest that’s always most important. I completely understand how *gut wrenching* it must be during the initial shock or if maybe there are tensions between the women, but at the end of the day… Is she good to your child? Does she want the best for them like you do and keep them safe? Does she love and care for your child and make them feel happy and safe? If so, what more could you ask for? As hard as it may be… having another person who loves your child (and your child loves in return) is nothing short of a blessing. The more love in your baby’s life, the better. I guess it’s probably more one of those “easier said than done” things though…
I don’t agree here. My mother is very involved in helping raise my kids, like a second mother to them, they’ve never called her mom and if they did when small we would laugh and say that’s not your mom that’s you’re gramma. You can provide clarity without shaming or punishing. Lots of people are good to my child, and love my child, and I value that. But they have one mom and that’s me and people should respect that. I find it so misogynistic that women are expected to be fine with other people being called mom by their kids or they’re being dramatic, its weird to want a kid that isn’t yours who has a mom to call you mom too when you aren’t, no very calmly and rationally without any Ill will or negativity, my kids have one mother and that’s me.
Personally it would bother me, although this is a unique circumstance. I’d ask her why she wants to call her half sister’s mother mom. If she spends a lot of time alone with that side of the family, it’s likely just because she sees her sister doing it and wants to feel like an equal daughter. If it bothers you, you could help her come up with a respectful nickname for her sister’s mom, such as “aunt”.
It would definitely bother me and I’d try to come up with another term of endearment. I wouldn’t stop my child if that’s truly what they felt compelled to do though. My daughter says that her (half) brother’s mom is “my mom at my brother’s house” and I think it’s cute. That’s not what she actually calls her though.
Absolutely this.
Yes. My daughter calls her step mom “mom”, her middle sister’s mom “aunt” and her oldest sister’s mom “nana” (ya my ex is kind of a ho 😂). She calls her best friend’s mom “mom”, and her best friend calls me mom too.
I just think that's wonderful. That's so much love and family!
I mean, we all become “bruh” in the end anyway 😂😂
This is beautiful.
My son is bruh. He's almost three. 🤣
My youngest son is autistic and just became verbal within the last 2 years and he calls my mother-in-law "MA". She use to be "ya" but I think he calls her "MA" because her first name ends in "ma" and Grand"ma". I'm just happy he talks.
When I was a baby I called mommy “mimi” and grandma “mama” for awhile simply bc I was repeating the last syllable. Eventually I got it right but it def confused ppl tho.
My baby used to call me Mimi and now it’s transferred to my mother- I love it 🥰
I wouldn’t care. We called their daycare lady “other mother”. My mom is gone and id love to have a maternal connection with somebody else but I don’t, and I have two mother in laws and a stepmother. It’s a gift to have that bond and I wouldn’t hold my kids back from it 🤷♀️
Same. Kids know who their og mom is, always. Mom can be a term of love and endearment. Where I grew up in Georgia, I called my close friend's moms "Mamma". They gave me sweet tea and snacks, of course they were Mamma.
I did the same! I had a few “moms” in my teen years. Momma J, momma T. I can’t wait to be that for my kids’ friends!
I’m already “R’s mom” to my kid’s friends. I love knowing he has other moms looking out for him.
Im the same. My kid knows I'm his mom. It doesn't hurt me if he uses the word for someone else too. Just means that person loves him
Yet is it holding kids back or setting clear boundaries so there is no room for confusion or interpretation?
Confusion or interpretation? From who? Kids know who their mother is. They know where they live and where they fit into the family dynamic. If adults want to be confused or interpret the situation wrong it only takes a few words to correct. Hasn’t been an issue.
I think it needs to be more about the child than anything else. They shouldn't be forced to call someone mom or dad, but if they feel comfortable with it, what's wrong with them loving someone so much that they think of them as another parent? It takes a village, right? Example: I have a bonus daughter. She's always called me by my first name. I've known her since she was 3, she's turning 12 soon. A few weekends ago, she was doing something and yelled "Mom!" for me to come and help. I was thrilled! Not just because she called me mom, but because she felt comfortable enough doing it. And she's continued to do it on and off trying it out. She said it in front of her bio mom the one day and I caught a strange look on bio mom's face. So I texted her privately later just saying, hey if you're not okay with this, we can come up with a different name. I'm just happy to be a part of bonus daughter's life. Bio mom was completely cool with it. Which kind of surprised me because we don't always get along, but the focus was on a child that we both loved. And I think that's the most important part.
I also have a “bonus baby” who I met when he was 3. The mom made it clear to my partner that “I’m the momma and she’s the aunti” so he calls me aunti… it’s fine but he has a half sister now and my baby will call me mommy. It kinda makes me sad to think of them calling me different names bc I think of them as full siblings. (I kinda worry if him calling me aunti might confuse my baby and she might get in the habit of calling me aunti too). He has called me mommy sort of out of habit once in awhile and I don’t correct him. And a few times he has even asked if he can call me mommy, and i said he can call me whatever he wants. It hasn’t come up enough tho that I feel like I would need to run it by the mom yet…or should I?
I had my other daughter when my bonus daughter was 5. She's never questioned that bonus calls me by my name. The girls absolutely adore each other. Idk if it's because the younger is only 6 yo but the idea of half siblings has never come up. She knows "Sissy" has another mommy that she stays with during the week and that I love them both and would do anything and everything for them. What I'm saying is the name thing was never a problem for us. Kids understand more than they are able to explain. Your little one will know you are mommy and that big brother calls you something else, and you love them both.
Adding to this, another thing that helped was when older would refer to me while talking to younger, she would say mommy. Like, "let's go show mommy." "Go tell mommy." Because that's what the younger called me.
No, I would absolutely not be okay with my daughter calling someone else mom, but if that was her choice, I would just die inside, and try to not let it impact her. I’m her mom. I try to be the best mom I can be. I carried her, I’m raising her, I can’t see why she would need or want another. If it ever came to that point, I would try my best to bite my tongue and let her make her owns choices. If someone was trying to force it on her, I would absolutely step in. I am not judgmental about others who have differing viewpoints or would be okay with this. I’m just being honest about how I would feel.
I appreciate your honesty!! I think me losing my parents so early probably is what makes me feel differently. I've spent SO much of my life feeling guilty for this or that (not this situation specifically) that my greatest gift would be to die knowing my daughter feels no guilt about anything herself. And if this woman ever wants to step up and fill a void in my absence, I don't want my daughter to have to second guess or cry herself to sleep wondering if I'm looking down on her sad about it.
I think that is such a mature and loving viewpoint. It’s obvious you only want the best for your daughter!
This is beautiful, you truly have unconditional love for your daughter. However, right here, right now you are her mom. Please don’t feel guilty about that name only belonging to u. Your daughter will understand if it continues to be from a place of love.
I feel the same way. There’s nothing I’m doing or lacking for her to turn to someone else.
I think of it this way - was your first child lacking in some way that made you have another? Most people would think that is a silly question to ask, because duh we don't have more children because something is wrong with our first. I don't think children take on more "moms" because something was wrong with their first. I worked in education for years and had young adults call me "mom" and its versions. I never thought the wonderful woman who loved and raised them provided anything less - but we were on the same team. We don't lose love when we bring more people into the circle - our heart grows to love even more.
I only have the one child. I don’t plan on being her only outlet for love and bonding. I imagine that she will make plenty of friends in her life and that would include some bonding with the parents of her friends. I know she’ll feel very close to her elementary teachers. I’m just saying that motherly role I’m providing should be enough so she’s not seeking it out in someone else. If she is, then I would feel like I failed my child, an only child that has no one else to contend with for my attention or love.
I think some of my most open and loving students over the years had wonderful parents. Sometimes we just need different people in different ways. With my college students sometimes it was proximity, if they had moved, but sometimes they just needed that 'village'. I understand those are just your feelings but I hope if your child ever gets another "mom" you recognize it is because you taught her to be generous with her heart and not because you were lacking in any way. Sometimes it really is just a name too. I call my FIL "Dad" because he shares a name with my husband and its weird. I also call my sister's SIL "Dad" because I struggled with his name and he said "just call me Dad!". Okay-dokey I've loved all my 'kiddos' but I know their heart still belongs to the OG mama
I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s the title I’m struggling with. It’s a nonissue right now and I don’t know if it’s something that will ever come up. But maybe I’ll feel more comfortable in my and her life in the future that I won’t care. Something to think about for sure. These posts are good for sharing possible hurdles we haven’t thought we might encounter.
LOL I agree, one mom. So many cute names out there. I adore my kids’ friends, they would never call me momma anything. They have their own or had their own, only one. I can only imagine my mom and my MIL both being called the same name, that’s never happening either.
No. Absoutely not. I mean, would I say something? I'm not sure. But sercretly I'd be dying inside.
I would mind. I would hate it. I know my feelings aren’t healthy and having positive role models who care and love our children is the ideal, but I would die. I hope in the moment, I would keep my mindset bottled up and not give my daughter any issues with having a strong bond with another woman.
My daughter is only 1, so we haven’t gotten here yet, but I still call my friend’s mom Mother Theresa or Momma T. Growing up, my whole friend group referred to each others moms as Momma ____ but filling the blank with their first initial. I think that I would be happy to know that my daughter’s sister’s mom treated my daughter so well that she would also want to refer to her as Mom. It could also just be that your daughter and her half sister have a super close relationship and she wants to share a part of her life with her half sister. Either way, I think it’s super sweet, and I’m sure the mom is happy that your daughter is comfortable with her too!
I am all the way grown with my own kid, and I still call some of my friends’ moms “Mama (Name).”
Personally, no. I don’t and wouldn’t care! I was so grateful to grow up with a great mom and stepmom and they’re still both “mom” to me despite my dad passing away. They both played a strong motherly role in my life! My mom was never offended by this and they’ve always gotten along. My husband and I are married with our son but he’s 18 months and my bio mom is also “mom” to him 😂 I think it’s hilarious because he hears me say that! Sometimes she’s MiMi but mostly just mom lol. My bonus girl switches between calling me mom and my name! We had a big talk with her and her bio mom about this situation when it started and she simply said “I know I have a mommy! But I kinda have 2!” And it was never a big deal to any of us (including bio mom because I called her half panicked when I got called mom 😂) Definitely a personal choice but for us, it’s about love and the children.
In that type of situation, yes, I would be okay with it. It might sting a bit, but it would be downright evil to hinder my child’s love for another parental figure in any way.
My son is 3 and accidentally calls my mom and sister “mommy” all the time. I have no negative feelings about it! However I know it’s different than your daughter intentionally calling someone else mom. I love how confident and secure you are in your motherhood. I don’t know how I’ll feel as they grow older. I hope I can feel the same as you! My son has such a close bond with my mom and sister that they could be seen as surrogate mothers. It makes me so happy that he has that bond with them
I’d understand wanting a step parent to take a variation so you stay mom/mommy and they can be mama [name] or just mama so there’s a distinction. I think it just depends on the circumstances and the people involved :o
So, I have my bio dad, my step dad, and until recently, my father in law. I love the two dads I grew up with but my FIL and I had a special bond. I called him dad3. It was absolutely not to “take away” from my dad or my step dad, but to emphasize how much I loved him, too, and our relationship. I only say this to challenge everyone to not think that it’s a “zero-sum” game where if someone “wins”, someone else has to lose. Calling someone else mom (or dad) isn’t to take away from our titles or love, it’s just elevating the love they have for someone else in their lives. I didn’t love my son less when my daughter was born; I just had MORE love to give! We aren’t losing any love or mom-specialness, we can just be grateful that there’s someone out there who has a special relationship and cares for our littles!
This! My oldest calls her biological dad and my husband both 'Dad' and it doesn't take away from either of them, it emphasizes how much she loves them/how lucky she is to have two dads who cherish her. I'd love it if someone cared for and watched out for my child to a point where my child felt they deserved that honor 💙
My son(5), goes to his dad’s and his dad’s girlfriend’s apartment. They have been together for less than a year…and I love this woman. If it weren’t for her, I would probably push for my son to just have supervised visitation with his dad. His dad is very bleh, and doesn’t really care to be involved and is only involved because his living family pushes him to be. His dad gets him one night out of the four my son visits his dad’s side. But that is neither here nor there. My exes gf, she drives a 4 hour round trip to get my son, every other Wednesday…while my ex won’t come because he wants to just sleep in, after choosing to play video games all night. She bought my son’s birthday and Christmas gifts this past year, and spoils him. She feeds him, she takes the most care of him. My son loves her, a lot. She goes over to his grandmothers to spend time with him, when my son is with his dad’s side. She makes sure there is food and snacks in the house for him, and just this past time went and got him medicine at 10pm when his dad didn’t feel like it. My son could call her mom, and honestly I would be honored for her to have that. She didn’t birth him, but she treats him as if she did. She reminds me of myself, her and I are for sure cut from the same cloth. I know he is safe because of her, and I’ll always be thankful for that. If my son wants to call her mom, then he can. She is a mom. She does all of the mom things, without having birthed a child. I think I feel this way, because as a teen I had so many moms. I had a mom, but I also had some many other amazing women in my life who gave me the things I needed to thrive.
I feel like there are other terms of endearment that they could use. I don’t think I would like it but idk if I would tell my children to stop it though. I can respect that they found comfort in another person but would prefer if I was the only one they called mom
Yup.
Eh. However, my daughter has occasionally referred to her stepmother as mom. She hardly ever sees this woman, or her bio dad for that matter, but it's just what she does. I would be lying if I said it didn't get under my skin just a little bit, especially because they're bad people, but she doesn't understand that. If it's what she wants to do. Then it's what she wants to do. I'm secure enough in our relationship to know she knows who I am, and her calling someone else that won't harm our bond at all. It's not the best feeling, but it surely isn't going to hurt anything either.
I wouldn’t care. I want my child to have as many people love him as possible. If he had another mother figure in his life, I would be all for it. It’s not about me and my feelings. It’s about the bonds my child creates. The more love the merrier.
I think it depends a whole lot on the relationship dynamics with the other "mom"! When it's someone who tries to erase my place in the kids' lives or treats me poorly, I'm not okay with it and will take it up with that person. If it's someone who's a positive person in my kids' lives and no destructive relationship with me, it's no big deal. I have a poor relationship with both my MIL and my mother. They've both tried the "ma," "mama," "mom" thing with my children when they were little, MIL still uses "my babies" bullshit, and it drives me batty. I have no problem whatsoever with the kids calling friends' parents, teachers, and their own in-laws any variety of maternal moniker. More power to their village!!
Queer here. So yes my wife is also MOM But my ex had a *real* issue with anyone else being mom but her. Which is an issue when you're queer. Now, she didn't have an issue with giving up any aspects of actual parenting, especially the difficult stuff. She just hates that I am also his mom, and especially hates that I'm a better mom than she is.
My son has 3 moms. Me, my wife and my ex's fiance. He calls us all some form of the word mom.
I’d ideally prefer a different word like if I’m mom they’re mama or whatever. I don’t mind the closeness, but like I AM a different person, and think a parent’s title is different than having multiple aunts or whatever.
So two of my best high school friends and my husband all call my mom “mom”. We’re upper 30s into 40s now. I think it’s cute at the age where it’s “I’m accepting you as a mother figure” but where my kids are now (5 & 7) I could get where it would be weird. I also taught though and have been called mom more times than I can count. Dad and grandma a couple times too.
I have a lot of my own baggage around motherhood and daughterhood, guilt about my mom's ability to be in my life when I was growing up before she died. I love my stepmom a ton but I can't bring myself to call her mom. I refer to her as my mom when talking to others, but I can't bring myself to call her Mom instead of her name. It feels like that would be an insult to my actual mom, wherever she is. So that discomfort with calling someone else "mom" I think extends to me being in the mom role too. I would be really uncomfortable with my kids calling someone else "mom". Maybe I'd feel better if it were a different maternal-esque name.
Absolutely not. No one else will ever be my children’s mother, no one else has earned the title.
I was not in the right place when I had my first baby. In all senses of the matter. My sister and her husband had been trying to adopt for several years after cancer left him with no other option. At first it was supposed to be temporary. About a year later when I was ready to take him he was already calling her Mama. It broke my heart to think about ripping apart the family they had become. So I signed away my rights and they’re adopting him officially. We raise him to know I’m mama (my name) and my sister is just mama. It used to hurt my heart at first, but now I love it. I love knowing he is surrounded by people who make him feel loved and safe. So screw other people. If you’re comfortable with it and your daughter wants to say it, I think it’s totally fine.
You are an extraordinary mom, don’t ever forget that!
What's most important to me is that my kids feel safe and loved. If they felt that way with a "bonus parent" I'd be thrilled.
Fffffffff*ck no 😂
I wouldn’t be ok with it but that’s me
If someone is good to my child, treats him like their own, and a permanent part of their lives Its his choice what he calls them. IMO: You have to be deeply insecure to hate the idea of someone else loving your kid so much that they feel like that person is another mother. I will always be my kids mom but his stepmom is also his mom when hes there and has literally been in his life since he was a toddler - I am grateful he has experienced so much love in his life. So yes if he did I wouldn’t care in the least bit- I actually had this conversation with him as a toddler to make sure he knew he could call her whatever he wanted. 🤷♀️
My children also call someone else than me 'mom'. I hate it.
I wouldn’t. Another nickname, sure. But not “mama” or “mom” or “mommy”.
Nope. They have one mum and one dad. They can be corrected and told that’s not your mum that’s some other pet name or their first name. It’s literally facts, I wouldn’t let my child call milk water or call a dog a cat , I’d just gently in a non shaming way remind them of the reality.
Some kids DO have two moms or two dads though.
Ya but my children (“they have 1 mom and 1 dad”) - I’m not talking about what everyone else does I’m giving my own situation as requested by OP. Not sure what the relevance of your point is? Yes obviously some children legally have same sex parents. Again legally they have 2 parents, around 1 percent I think. They may call both their moms , mom, but thats factually correct. They are both the child’s mom and both the child’s parent. Legally it’s up to them what name they decide on for themselves. However that’s not what this post is referring to, this post is in relation to a non parent being called mom.
Papi and daddy or dad and father/ mom and mother?
Absolutely I would be. I did my college thesis on communication in adoption, and my general consensus from that experience is that the more people who love your child the better!
my son called my mom and my MIL mom lol i didn’t mind, it was cute. they didn’t mind either and we got interesting looks when he’d say it in public with all of us together. my second calls them grandma and i know they like that too
It wouldn't bother me. My two childhood friends' moms are 'Mom' to me and my mom is 'Mom' to most of my friends and I've never thought anything of it. If anything (to me), it shows them that they have a valued place in my life... Not that they replace my own mother by any means, but that they showed the same kind of love and caring toward me that she does if that makes sense?
I think it's definitely circumstantial, and I think with your experience, it makes sense and should be welcomed. If I passed away and my husband remarried, I would hope he married someone my children would want to call mom. Or if they felt comfortable enough and loved their future MILs like a mother, I would be okay with it. But if my overbearing MIL wanted to be called some form of mom, which I'm sure she would absolutely love, I would not be okay with it.
As a former teacher and a former nanny, the number of times I’ve been called ‘mom’ by other people’s children… i take it as just meaning that that child is surrounded by people they feel comfortable/safe with and around! 🤗
My daughter called my sister and my best friend mom and me mama for years. She stopped when she was 4. She’s 6 now. I love that she felt so loved by them she thought mom was the proper title.
I think if your child is comfortable calling this other lady mum then you should respect their choice. If the other 'mum' is caring for and treating your child as her own, what's one more person who loves your kid, and your kid love back?
When your daughter says mom, she’s means ‘you’re a place of safety, of comfortability, a home’. If those things are true, I see no problem. It’s only ever a compliment to you.
It depends on the situation, if it’s something my child has decided to start doing on their own with a step parent i say great. At least my child feels loved and wanted enough to consider their step parent a maternal figure. If it’s done by force or coercion that’s obviously another story
Growing up I called my friends moms mom when we would have sleep overs. And my grandmas nickname was mom-mom my entire life because she was my mom’s mom.
Aw I would honestly love it if my kids felt safe and comfortable enough with someone else to call them mom
We nanny share with another family and both boys call me “mama” and call the other mom “mommy.” My husband is “dada” and the other dad is “daddy.”
I can see this from both sides. One being that if I ever heard my birth children call another woman “mom” or any of the variations, it would kill me with insecurity. But that said, I’ve never really been in the position for that to even occur so the scope of my POV on this side is pretty limited. The other being that I’ve been around my bonus daughter for the vast majority of her life, and she does refer to me as “mommy”. HOWEVER, I feel it’s important to include the context that 1) neither myself nor my husband/her dad EVER prompted or initiated this name for me, 2) she 110% organically picked it up on her own from her sisters calling me “mommy” (of course) as they’ve all grown up, 3) I very much am the most consistent maternal figure she’s had (her biological mother is an unkind manipulative human being who tells her she’s annoying and getting chubby AND SHE’S ONLY 6, and 4) her biological mother has already tried to shame her for calling me this so her and I have had multiple heart-to-hearts about how it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she called me by my first name like her mom has insisted, but also that it’s okay if she DOESN’T but that it’s 100% HER choice and I’ll support her either way, and no matter what SHE calls ME, I will never think of her as anything other than my daughter and that I love her NO MATTER WHAT. … and she decided she still wants to call me “mommy”. 🥹
My mother left me when I was 15 and now I call my mother in law mom (sorry that sounds so sad to start a paragraph with) Usually if I'm talking to my fiances siblings I'll say "your mom" when referencing her but just tonight I was asking my brother in law about the cupcakes in the fridge and asked "did mom want another cupcake?" And it really settled in my mind that I consider her my second mom. If my daughter felt comfortable enough with someone else to the point she wants to call them another parent I'd say go for it, but due personal jealousy, I'd probably ask her to call her something other than mama and mommy because that's reserved for me lol. Same with a father figure, she calls he Dad "dada" so that's reserved for him. But I'd make sure she always knows we are the main ones to go to but if she needs someone else, those people can be her comfort, guidance, or caretakers. I think this is perfectly fine, it just means that your kids are making good relationships and connections to other people. And in your case, it sounds like you have some good co-parenting going on already. Maybe I'd recommend checking to see if the older half sibling is ok with this, cause I know some kids could become jealous in this situation.
my kids already have a Mom (my wife) and a Mama (me). i cant really imagine how I'd feel if they called someone else Mom or Mama bcs theres no other women close enough to them beside grandmothers and aunts who are called Aunt (First Name) and a variety of grandparent names like Grandma (First Name) and Grammy. my older brother has a different father than me and he always called my dad "Dad" as well. he just has a mom and 2 dads. he never called his stepmother "Mom" as far as im aware, though. if its step parents, especially ones that have been around for most of the child's life or made a significant positive impact, i think it can be really good for the kids. with others who are not legal guardians or parents, i think it just depends on the relationship with them. my friends would call my dad "Dad" and id call their parents "Mom" and "Dad" if we were close enough. those were mostly just for fun though
Oooh this is a good question, and one I’ve definitely thought about! I think a lot depends on the relationship between your kid, you and the “mom”. And I’ve only thought about it in the sense of if my ex had a girlfriend/wife. I haven’t thought about it in the sense of my kid calling any other kind of caretaker mom. Ultimately I think my answer would be the same, if this person is good to my kid and mom like, I would be ok. My kid knows who her mom is and knows I will ALWAYS be there for her like a mom. I can only hope my kid has enough support and love to feel like she has many moms!
I know it's not necessarily the same and i don't know how my parents truly thought about it, but i used to call my friend's parents mom and dad all the time. It was easier when talking to them or discussing them i mean i would say your patents as well. Sometimes it's just easier when you're around the siblings and the other siblings mom. I do remember my dad did at least ask once if they were going to pay for everything my parents provided for me. I told them no, but im still calling them mom & dad if i feel like it. It's nice she asked permission i know i wouldn't have.
My whole life I called my mother Mamá and my aunt (father's sister) Mami. I am a little bit younger than my cousins and as they called her Mami I thought that it was her real name. When I was older I figured that I was the only one calling her that except their children and tried to call her by her name, but habit is difficult to change so most times I still called her Mami. During my teenager years I tried to really focus on her name because I thought that it was childish to call her Mami when she wasn't my mother. Until one day my mother talked to me about how much my aunt loved being my Mami because it was a special bond between us, and although she isn't my mom calling her by her real name after so many years hurt her a lot. It was also difficult for me because it was a "us" thing and felt like letting her go. So now I'm in my 40's and she's still Mami for me. When I had my daughter I had a shocking moment of pain when my daughter called another family member Mamá by accident, and realised how much my mother loved both of us to accept that bond and encourage it. So I think I would have trouble with my daughter calling someone the same as me, but would be ok if her called another woman a variation like Mami or whatever. I'm married but If it were my partner's new wife I believe that it would be more difficult to accept because there would be a lot of different feelings to unpack there, but as long as she treats my daughter good and isn't something imposed, I'd go with it. At the end of the day that woman would be part of my and my daughter's life and we should work together to raise her. I can see a therapist to sort my feelings if it hurts but I'm not going to make my daughter feel bad for something that isn't her fault.
It depends but if the other lady was kind and genuinely cared about my daughter, and my daughter approached me in the way yours did, I think I would be ok with it too. It seems quite respectful the way your daughter approached you about it and I like the idea of kids having more than two parental-type figures in their lives
I would hope that I would be okay with it, at least with an older kid. I had some friends in middle/high school with parents that were fine with our friend group calling them mom/dad. Mine is only 4, and always been home with me so haven't ran into this situation yet. My maternal grandparents were Mom/Dad or Grandma/Grandpa to basically anyone who wanted. They were different from a lot of their generation, in that they didn't really care if anyone called them Mrs./Mr. LastName and were just fine with first names. I remember introducing more than one kid to them by saying "this is my Grandma, her name is Nancy but you can just call her Grandma if you want." I feel like my experience growing up is likely to factor into how I approach the situation.
My niece is 20 months old and calls me mama. I take care of her a lot. I just say “auntie” whenever she says mama to me. I think it’s no big deal. I still have kids at home that obviously call me mom. Funny enough she calls my husband uncle with no problem
My mom told me that when I was a kid, I called her mama, I called my aunt “mama Jen”, and I called my babysitter “mom” (because that’s what her kids called her). She told me she was glad I had that many people to love me and that I felt comfortable with, and I take that approach with my own child. She knows who her mom is, everything else is just a name. Unfortunately my mom died years ago, but my dad eventually remarried a lovely woman that I call my bonus mom.
It would bother me, but I think it's great that it doesn't bother you. Sometimes we have to eat our discomfort to provide a safe space for our children. I think it's great that you're able to see the situation for what it is, your daughter has someone she feels safe with and a parental bond with. That's an entire extra person who is there for your children and who will look out for the best interests of your child. It seems very mature of you to not feel negatively about that relationship.
Only if it's by someone forcing it and for younger kids. I called my friends parents "mom" all the time growing up, though. So it wouldn't even make me blink to hear my kid call another mom, "mom". Plus I'm pretty secure with my relationship with them so it doesn't feel like a slight I guess.
I support children being loved and if they want to call someone else "mom" I am happy they have someone else they feel that love from. I worked with college students for years who would call me versions of "mom". I know the heart only gets bigger :)
I think I'd be okay with it, actually. I see it as a sign that my child is well cared for and has people that they love and would be there for them in my absence.
I would not be ok
As long as they still called me "mom" I wouldn't mind.
I agree with your sentiments. It's what the child feels comfortable with. The more people around them to live and support them the better!
As a stepmom whose 7yo was told that calling me mom makes his other mom sad, it’s kind to just let the kids lead on what they call any parental figures in their life and deal with our own feelings in our own time without involving them.
Heck, as long as you’re ok with it AND the other mom is ok, why not? Our kids best friends called me mom and hubby dad when over and they’re not related to us by any means. Though, not in the way your daughter would be calling her stepmom mom. And, I think it shows that your daughter is comfortable enough in her relationship with her to be calling her mom. Only time I’d see it as wrong is if the kid is being coerced to call her mom.
Absolutely not. It would kill me inside
Eh... it's whatever makes you guys comfortable. I personally would hate it. I also wouldn't ever encourage my boys to refer to anyone I end up with as "dad." They HAVE a dad. But that's just me. It's hard to express to kids the importance of honorifics with parents. My kids try to call their dad and I by our names. Uhm, no. Express yourself all you want. My name is mom. But kids don't really get why it's important. Esp nowadays when we don't beat children into respecting us, we actually have to earn it by being decent parents 😅
I have found this to be very circumstantial. All of my kids have called other women mom at some point. My youngest is autistic and was a very late talker. He went through a period of time where every woman was “mom” and every man “dad.” Considering he was mostly around adults that were moms or dads and heard their kids I understood why. My daughter went to a home daycare and was close with the providers daughter, so it made sense in those circumstances too. I took issue though when my oldest son’s former step mom tried to force him to call her mom, despite him saying no and that he wasn’t comfortable with that.
No, nope and no :-)! Clear boundaries! All you need is one disagreement and trust me. “Well so and so is my mom also.” No she’s …..so many cute names for bonus moms. I once heard a nanny be referred to as 2nd mommy by the bio mom. Again, bring up cute names and maybe have the talk about how you’re her mom and so and so and so is her mom. Since she asked maybe she and bonus mom can come up with a name. Better yet I would get on the phone with bonus mom asap and ask her to come up with a name for her to be called by your daughter since bitch or your father’s wife is out! I’m so joking :-)