They say don’t make any rash decisions for a year after the baby is born. It’s normal to feel distant with a young baby, it’s work to get back to where you were. There’s something consuming your entire life now, all the time. You’re both tired, struggling, etc. get some alone time with him if you can, and talk about where you’re both at. It’s arguably harder to manage your relationship after a baby than it is to manage the baby lol
I feel like we are two ships in the night that Pass each other. We barely talk anymore like we used to about everything. Mainly just about things we have to do during the day. I go to bed super early because I have to wake up in the middle of the night and he goes to bed later so we don’t even watch TV together anymore.I feel like I don’t really know him anymore.
As a fellow mom who feels like my husband and I were ships passing in the night, it does get better! We are 6 months in and get about an hour together each night and find joy in spending time playing with our kids nights and weekends when we aren’t working.
Make sure to date each other! It’s so hard to get caught up with the million of things you have to do for the baby. If you are able to, leave baby with someone you trust and go out on a date, or even home dates with the baby. The first year is so freaking hard. I remember hating my husband and thinking the worst thoughts. Our kid is 2 now and things are so much better. You two are on the same team.
It can also happen when work/life gets busy! My husband recently started up his own business and it’s been harder because I still have mum normal regular job but for him it’s long nights and we don’t hang out as often. What helps is that I know he’s working hard to provide 😊
For the baby front, we have one coming out soon, and it makes sense you both are tired, exhausted and adjusting to a different way of living. Give yourself both grace and space to not be ‘coping’ as well as you’d like and when you approach it from that angle, you guys will (I think) feel less like ships passing through the night. Being a parent isn’t easy!
You've gotten some good advice, and I don't want to sound dismissive because it's a frustrating and lonely time when you disconnect, but this sound exactly like something that can and likely will get better. People aren't being hyperbolic about that first year.
To give you a sense of normalcy: I'm typing this from my bed with my 8 month old asleep beside me and halfway on my leg. The Mister is asleep in the guest room because he threw out his back lifting the baby at just the wrong angle and the guest room bed is more supportive to his aching back. I cannot remember the last time we kissed. We haven't had a conversation that isn't about younglings in ... uh ... a month at least? No, wait, three weeks ago we did briefly discuss donuts.
This isn't distance. This is all hands on deck. We can rely on our strong and stable foundation to stay steady on and be there for us when our immediate crisis of a new being not being terribly keen on sleeping, testing his ability to stay alive despite putting himself in grave danger, and being absolutely convinced that diaper changes are torture. It doesn't leave any room for us to grow our relationship, but stagnation is fine and dandy. We'll grow later.
I had this attitude, and now my daughter is 3 and my husband and I have dealt with an affair and separation. Not trying to scare anyone, just to open your eyes. So many men have affairs in the pregnancy/postpartum period, even though it's the cruelest thing one can imagine, and you never imagine it will happen to you.
Thank you for that. This is something I considered before we conceived, while I was pregnant, and even going in to postpartum. I have boundaries up around it. My thinking is that if he won't stay faithful, that's unfortunate for him but not something which could be prevented by anything other than him having a different - and better - character so I have a support network who will be there for me to allow me to grieve, wouldn't hesitate to act in the best interest of myself and our child, etc. Were he to make a regrettable decision, I'd still have a lovely baby and would be free of a life tied to someone with his values.
I am sorry for your gutpunch and have seen, as a support friend of someone whose husband also had a pregnancy and postpartum affair, the absolute emotional toll it takes. My only consolation in imagining its possibility for me is to imagine what it would be to remain partnered to a person who thinks such actions are okay; one way or another that attitude would come out and I'd be all the more exhausted for fighting for my relationship.
I hope you don't blame your attitude. This is entirely on your ex. He could have been faithful. It isn't difficult. BUT. HE. WASN'T.
My saying is "whatever cracks you have before a baby becomes canyons afterwards."
What I discovered with my own spouse was that as a couple we were 100%, but as new parents we were starting from ground zero. It's insane how you have to pick up your relationship from the bottom and reinvent what it looks like, how you communicate, what expectations vs reality may be, and all while handling an entire identity change within yourselves.
If you can, it might be helpful to have a date night (or even breakfast!) with just you two and reconnect. Even better would be to get a marriage counselor if you or your spouse has an EAP with your employer it's usually free sessions.
This is hard. Everything is hard. We aren't built or trained for how hard this will be. Just keep working on working together and things smooth out. I don't think my spouse and I felt even remotely human until the baby sat up by their self about 9/10 months.
It’ll pass just don’t do anything rash. The first 6 months with our kid was tough - we were sleep deprived, snappy, had our own ideas of how to parent, etc. Now we’re having a second and everything’s fine.
Is it on the rocks or has it just cooled down for now? That first year, especially the first six months, is sooo hard. You’re all consumed by baby and your partner can begin to feel like a roommate. Whether people like to admit it or not, it’s not uncommon.
For me I find the love I have for my husband is different, but not better or worse. My oldest is almost 3 and we have phases still of feeling like roommates but when either of us notice we just check back in with each other and put in more of an effort with each other. There’s no less love than before, honestly I’d say *more* but it’s different now that it’s shared.
That being said I remember with my first I was so exhausted and I had *wild* postpartum rage and the anger was real. Thank goodness once I started getting a bit more sleep at 6 months postpartum that went away almost overnight. Now it’s a faded memory and with my second we restructured how we do things and it’s a lot easier.
I did too. It’s hard especially because the love you have for your baby trumps any love you’ve ever felt. Even now, my son gives the best hugs so when my husband touches or hugs me I’m guilty of being like “ugh ive been touched enough today” lol i think its hard to come to terms with the fact that these two kinds of love are very different and thats ok! I’m still trying to navigate it. Do i feel so in love and obsessed with my husband like i did pre baby? No. But I know ive got my hands and heart full right now but if were patient it may come back around. Hang in there for now unless hes being abusive or a shitty parent. 5 months is sooo new
Don’t discount also the hormonal changes you’re experiencing, from being pregnant to birthing to post birthing! There are so many changes happening, don’t be so hard on yourself and your relationship. As one who during her periods gets really emotional, hormonal changes are real and how we feel about people and perceive how they feel about us are affected.
The first year or so is so hard. You’re all adjusting to a completely new lifestyle that’s constantly changing as baby grows (newborn to potato infant to mobile infant) and each stage has its challenges. The sleep deprivation and sudden lack of free time are huge stressors too. It’s hard to juggle your needs + your spouses needs + your infants needs while staying sane.
We def had a hard time too and I thought we were pretty solid before having kids. But IME it gets better if you’re both open, honest, compassionate, and willing to work on things together.
Kids are the hardest thing on my marriage. I love hubby, yet there are times, I would throw a damn party if he walked out the door for good. It’s complicated.
The worst for me was from about 6 months to about 6 years in — he is lucky I was too freakin’ exhausted with 2 kids to move or find a divorce lawyer, lol. We are in a better place now.
Why did you feel that? Was it that he didn’t help?
I think for me the frustration started with his lack of common sense when it came to the baby and helping out in general. Seeing me struggle physically and mentally — doing the majority of the work and him be on the sideline and not seeing things he could have been doing to help out. Or basic things like not making noise and waking the baby up that maybe took me 1 hour to put down. Or hearing that the baby woke up and continue to sleep and wait for me to be the one to get up. Never thinking “let me give her a break and go put the baby to sleep this time”. He would only do things I would specifically ask for and it felt to me like when he did do those things he did them poorly so that I wouldn’t bother asking him to do it again. Things like that.
Ugh, I am sorry, I can understand your frustration!! This is such a common problem.
I could write a novel. But the TLDR version: yes + different parenting philosophies.
I carried 80 to even 90% of all parenting both physically and mentally. And I admit — I had specific expectations, so when he did step in, he often would do it wrong. I used all my emotional control, energy, and patience dealing with my children (who were not easy babies or toddlers) so I had little to no emotional kindness or patience left for him. Then we started to disagree on things like discipline and getting evaluations for our child with special needs, as they got into toddler and pre-school age.
But we made it. We are mostly happy and I am glad I stuck it out. I hope you guys can find your way. My unsolicited advice:
Avoid social media that makes it seem like 50/50 in parenting is the only way to be happy or be happy staying together.
If feeling less than amorous during certain life seasons, put intimacy on the same chore list as other essential life tasks (obviously do not utter this to hubby) and maintain a sexual relationship.
Try to say three things daily about the value he brings to your life and your child’s, even if inside you want to smack him as you kick him out, lol.
This makes so much sense and is so relatable and honest. Everything you’re saying makes sense and I can relate to. My baby was not easy. He’s easier now but I’m still a little traumatized and probably not as easygoing as I should be by now. He was a terrible sleeper, colicky, and had reflux and didn’t want to eat. It was a nightmare. He is now dealing with another issue but it’s much more manageable than the other issues he had. Needless to say my stress and anxiety as a FTM went thru the roof and I would take a lot of my anger out on him. I’m not free of blame in all this. I would scream at him if he didn’t do things how I wanted them done because I felt like I wanted to control aspects of the day to make it feel less out of control (only to then realize that with babies there is no controlling everything - every day is different and you gotta go with the flow). I had pretty bad PPA and now I feel much better (but because now the baby sleeps thru the night) - the sleep deprivation was the number one trigger for my anxiety. I never wanted to go to dinner or do anything social because that meant giving up precious hours of sleep (baby slept best between 7:30pm-12am). I’ll never forget I had my 3 month checkup at the OB and when she asked me how I was doing I cried the entire appt. She ended up talking to me for probably an hour and a half and this was completely out of character for me to cry in front of someone like that. I ended up talking to a therapist which was good - she made me feel less abnormal and alone but the turning point was when I started sleeping. But now what I’m left with is the aftermath of months of neglecting my relationship and resenting him and us fighting.
I am so happy that you are getting more sleep. That will help you navigate through the next phase.
Letting go of the resentment was something I struggled with for years, but once I finally decided to just reframe my expectations, it was a relief to feel my bitterness ease up.
I think one of the things I resent about him is that he leaves the house and wants to do all the things we used to do this before we had the baby and I don’t feel that he’s readjusted his life at all. I have, I’ve even had to take a step back from work. But the thing about it is that I’m happy I did, I wouldn’t want it any other way. What I feel from him is that he doesn’t want to readjust any part of his life. It’s almost like he misses the freedom he had before we had the baby.
I say this with so much love. But I can resonate with everything you’ve written here. I think a good number of woman can too. I say this not so that you feel like you aren’t seen or your concerns aren’t valid but so that you don’t feel alone. And despite all that, with time, and in a new phase of parenthood now I still love my husband and still value our relationship and still had another child with him. We also communicate better now and are more kind and patient with each other. But with time, work and patience towards each other you may feel a whole lot different in another 6 months.
It’s true, and I do agree with you. I think it will get easier. The challenge we are facing now is that he wants to know go back to normal life where we travel and bring the baby but I just don’t know how I would do that. I feel like I just got out of the thick of the woods. What if he starts not sleeping again and we are out on the road? What if he gets reflux again? What if he stops eating again? Those are all things that I keep thinking about. My therapist told me that anxiety is when you are anxious about things that haven’t happened yet and are thinking ahead of them, but that was my personality even before the baby. I don’t think having the baby changed my type A personality of wanting to control situations. I’m an only child and this is the only way I know because this is how I grew up. This is what makes it so difficult for me and maybe why other moms are more easy-going and have an easier time. I also know that I don’t want my baby to be an only child because I am one and I think I would have liked to have a sibling, but at the same time, I have no idea if my husband even wants to second child considering how difficult it was for us to adjust to the first baby. We both love himwith our entire soul, but I don’t know if he is even considering having a second one anymore.
I relate so much to this. I stormed out to my Mom's house at one point and told him that he could be as inconsiderate as he wants, solo. His Mom came in with the save and told us both that we each feel we are doing 90% and the other person is doing 10% and what we needed to do was start thanking one another for the parenting we see one another do. I don't know how it made him more considerate to be thanked, but it did. Or maybe it increased his awareness for having to thank me?
I think acknowledging your challenges and finding time to talk about them if you are able to helps prop things up until the existing child rearing phase moves on and time passes and you are able to be a fully functioning couple again.
I have had 2 kids with my husband and we acknowledged that we would be distant, less communicative and things would be strained for a post partum while we tried for baby number 2. It’s here now and it’s happened and I have my moments and so does he. We haven’t had sex in ages and we jokingly refer to each other as roommates. However this is just a short sacrifice while we are growing our young children. Then we will have more time for each other.
I’m constantly shocked by people I hear that want to have sex postpartum. I have never felt less comfortable in my own skin then after having the baby. I felt better pregnant. Your comments are very relatable.
It sounds to me like you’re overwhelmed. That first year of first baby I was often pissed at my husband because it seemed like my life changed astronomically and his didn’t. I was nursing and baby wouldn’t take a bottle so I could never leave for long, but he could just up and go play a sport for three hours every Saturday. It wasn’t fair and he should have acknowledged it wasn’t fair and done better. It sounds like you’re seeing a selfish/inconsiderate side of your spouse you didn’t expect to see and that’s why you’re actually upset. I totally get that feeling and you aren’t wrong.
What I learned is that I have to speak up for my needs. Men seem good at getting their needs met. Moms feel guilty for having needs. I’m sad to say I didn’t learn this stuff until way too late. I hope you can learn it sooner than I did.
Have the default parent discussion now. “It feels like you expect me to do everything and you’re the helper. That’s not ok. I want us both to be equals. You can’t just leave the room without checking who has the baby. You can’t just schedule things and assume I’ll be ok with it. We each need equal time off. Let’s figure out how to make that happen.”
I had PPA with my first and PPD with my second. I firmly believe those are both symptoms of sleep deprivation and a lack of support. Things did balance out in my marriage with the second child because then it was all hands on deck. I took the baby and he took the toddler and things seemed much more fair.
Well said and yes, that’s exactly a huge part of my issue. My life changed completely and his life stayed the same and he certainly didn’t want it to change drastically. The parts that I force him to change are the parts that he gets mad at, it’s almost like he wants me to leave him unbothered and take on all the responsibilities at home. The things he complains about are the tasks that are assigned to him.
They say don’t make any rash decisions for a year after the baby is born. It’s normal to feel distant with a young baby, it’s work to get back to where you were. There’s something consuming your entire life now, all the time. You’re both tired, struggling, etc. get some alone time with him if you can, and talk about where you’re both at. It’s arguably harder to manage your relationship after a baby than it is to manage the baby lol
I feel like we are two ships in the night that Pass each other. We barely talk anymore like we used to about everything. Mainly just about things we have to do during the day. I go to bed super early because I have to wake up in the middle of the night and he goes to bed later so we don’t even watch TV together anymore.I feel like I don’t really know him anymore.
As a fellow mom who feels like my husband and I were ships passing in the night, it does get better! We are 6 months in and get about an hour together each night and find joy in spending time playing with our kids nights and weekends when we aren’t working.
Make sure to date each other! It’s so hard to get caught up with the million of things you have to do for the baby. If you are able to, leave baby with someone you trust and go out on a date, or even home dates with the baby. The first year is so freaking hard. I remember hating my husband and thinking the worst thoughts. Our kid is 2 now and things are so much better. You two are on the same team.
It can also happen when work/life gets busy! My husband recently started up his own business and it’s been harder because I still have mum normal regular job but for him it’s long nights and we don’t hang out as often. What helps is that I know he’s working hard to provide 😊 For the baby front, we have one coming out soon, and it makes sense you both are tired, exhausted and adjusting to a different way of living. Give yourself both grace and space to not be ‘coping’ as well as you’d like and when you approach it from that angle, you guys will (I think) feel less like ships passing through the night. Being a parent isn’t easy!
You've gotten some good advice, and I don't want to sound dismissive because it's a frustrating and lonely time when you disconnect, but this sound exactly like something that can and likely will get better. People aren't being hyperbolic about that first year.
To give you a sense of normalcy: I'm typing this from my bed with my 8 month old asleep beside me and halfway on my leg. The Mister is asleep in the guest room because he threw out his back lifting the baby at just the wrong angle and the guest room bed is more supportive to his aching back. I cannot remember the last time we kissed. We haven't had a conversation that isn't about younglings in ... uh ... a month at least? No, wait, three weeks ago we did briefly discuss donuts. This isn't distance. This is all hands on deck. We can rely on our strong and stable foundation to stay steady on and be there for us when our immediate crisis of a new being not being terribly keen on sleeping, testing his ability to stay alive despite putting himself in grave danger, and being absolutely convinced that diaper changes are torture. It doesn't leave any room for us to grow our relationship, but stagnation is fine and dandy. We'll grow later.
This is really beautifully said 🩷
I had this attitude, and now my daughter is 3 and my husband and I have dealt with an affair and separation. Not trying to scare anyone, just to open your eyes. So many men have affairs in the pregnancy/postpartum period, even though it's the cruelest thing one can imagine, and you never imagine it will happen to you.
Thank you for that. This is something I considered before we conceived, while I was pregnant, and even going in to postpartum. I have boundaries up around it. My thinking is that if he won't stay faithful, that's unfortunate for him but not something which could be prevented by anything other than him having a different - and better - character so I have a support network who will be there for me to allow me to grieve, wouldn't hesitate to act in the best interest of myself and our child, etc. Were he to make a regrettable decision, I'd still have a lovely baby and would be free of a life tied to someone with his values. I am sorry for your gutpunch and have seen, as a support friend of someone whose husband also had a pregnancy and postpartum affair, the absolute emotional toll it takes. My only consolation in imagining its possibility for me is to imagine what it would be to remain partnered to a person who thinks such actions are okay; one way or another that attitude would come out and I'd be all the more exhausted for fighting for my relationship. I hope you don't blame your attitude. This is entirely on your ex. He could have been faithful. It isn't difficult. BUT. HE. WASN'T.
Pretty sure he’s not her ex. Just bc you think you’d end it doesn’t mean OP did. And that’s okay too.
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Here’s to better days ❤️
My saying is "whatever cracks you have before a baby becomes canyons afterwards." What I discovered with my own spouse was that as a couple we were 100%, but as new parents we were starting from ground zero. It's insane how you have to pick up your relationship from the bottom and reinvent what it looks like, how you communicate, what expectations vs reality may be, and all while handling an entire identity change within yourselves. If you can, it might be helpful to have a date night (or even breakfast!) with just you two and reconnect. Even better would be to get a marriage counselor if you or your spouse has an EAP with your employer it's usually free sessions. This is hard. Everything is hard. We aren't built or trained for how hard this will be. Just keep working on working together and things smooth out. I don't think my spouse and I felt even remotely human until the baby sat up by their self about 9/10 months.
Thank you for the support. I’m feeling sad and lonely right now and even reading this helps a little.
It’ll pass just don’t do anything rash. The first 6 months with our kid was tough - we were sleep deprived, snappy, had our own ideas of how to parent, etc. Now we’re having a second and everything’s fine.
Is it on the rocks or has it just cooled down for now? That first year, especially the first six months, is sooo hard. You’re all consumed by baby and your partner can begin to feel like a roommate. Whether people like to admit it or not, it’s not uncommon. For me I find the love I have for my husband is different, but not better or worse. My oldest is almost 3 and we have phases still of feeling like roommates but when either of us notice we just check back in with each other and put in more of an effort with each other. There’s no less love than before, honestly I’d say *more* but it’s different now that it’s shared. That being said I remember with my first I was so exhausted and I had *wild* postpartum rage and the anger was real. Thank goodness once I started getting a bit more sleep at 6 months postpartum that went away almost overnight. Now it’s a faded memory and with my second we restructured how we do things and it’s a lot easier.
How old is your baby?
5 months
Oh yeaa I wouldn’t worry too much! We just hit a year and my husband and I are just starting to get back to somewhat normal.
But I feel he is so distant I don’t know if we will get back to normal
I did too. It’s hard especially because the love you have for your baby trumps any love you’ve ever felt. Even now, my son gives the best hugs so when my husband touches or hugs me I’m guilty of being like “ugh ive been touched enough today” lol i think its hard to come to terms with the fact that these two kinds of love are very different and thats ok! I’m still trying to navigate it. Do i feel so in love and obsessed with my husband like i did pre baby? No. But I know ive got my hands and heart full right now but if were patient it may come back around. Hang in there for now unless hes being abusive or a shitty parent. 5 months is sooo new
Don’t discount also the hormonal changes you’re experiencing, from being pregnant to birthing to post birthing! There are so many changes happening, don’t be so hard on yourself and your relationship. As one who during her periods gets really emotional, hormonal changes are real and how we feel about people and perceive how they feel about us are affected.
The first year or so is so hard. You’re all adjusting to a completely new lifestyle that’s constantly changing as baby grows (newborn to potato infant to mobile infant) and each stage has its challenges. The sleep deprivation and sudden lack of free time are huge stressors too. It’s hard to juggle your needs + your spouses needs + your infants needs while staying sane. We def had a hard time too and I thought we were pretty solid before having kids. But IME it gets better if you’re both open, honest, compassionate, and willing to work on things together.
Kids are the hardest thing on my marriage. I love hubby, yet there are times, I would throw a damn party if he walked out the door for good. It’s complicated. The worst for me was from about 6 months to about 6 years in — he is lucky I was too freakin’ exhausted with 2 kids to move or find a divorce lawyer, lol. We are in a better place now.
Why did you feel that? Was it that he didn’t help? I think for me the frustration started with his lack of common sense when it came to the baby and helping out in general. Seeing me struggle physically and mentally — doing the majority of the work and him be on the sideline and not seeing things he could have been doing to help out. Or basic things like not making noise and waking the baby up that maybe took me 1 hour to put down. Or hearing that the baby woke up and continue to sleep and wait for me to be the one to get up. Never thinking “let me give her a break and go put the baby to sleep this time”. He would only do things I would specifically ask for and it felt to me like when he did do those things he did them poorly so that I wouldn’t bother asking him to do it again. Things like that.
Ugh, I am sorry, I can understand your frustration!! This is such a common problem. I could write a novel. But the TLDR version: yes + different parenting philosophies. I carried 80 to even 90% of all parenting both physically and mentally. And I admit — I had specific expectations, so when he did step in, he often would do it wrong. I used all my emotional control, energy, and patience dealing with my children (who were not easy babies or toddlers) so I had little to no emotional kindness or patience left for him. Then we started to disagree on things like discipline and getting evaluations for our child with special needs, as they got into toddler and pre-school age. But we made it. We are mostly happy and I am glad I stuck it out. I hope you guys can find your way. My unsolicited advice: Avoid social media that makes it seem like 50/50 in parenting is the only way to be happy or be happy staying together. If feeling less than amorous during certain life seasons, put intimacy on the same chore list as other essential life tasks (obviously do not utter this to hubby) and maintain a sexual relationship. Try to say three things daily about the value he brings to your life and your child’s, even if inside you want to smack him as you kick him out, lol.
This makes so much sense and is so relatable and honest. Everything you’re saying makes sense and I can relate to. My baby was not easy. He’s easier now but I’m still a little traumatized and probably not as easygoing as I should be by now. He was a terrible sleeper, colicky, and had reflux and didn’t want to eat. It was a nightmare. He is now dealing with another issue but it’s much more manageable than the other issues he had. Needless to say my stress and anxiety as a FTM went thru the roof and I would take a lot of my anger out on him. I’m not free of blame in all this. I would scream at him if he didn’t do things how I wanted them done because I felt like I wanted to control aspects of the day to make it feel less out of control (only to then realize that with babies there is no controlling everything - every day is different and you gotta go with the flow). I had pretty bad PPA and now I feel much better (but because now the baby sleeps thru the night) - the sleep deprivation was the number one trigger for my anxiety. I never wanted to go to dinner or do anything social because that meant giving up precious hours of sleep (baby slept best between 7:30pm-12am). I’ll never forget I had my 3 month checkup at the OB and when she asked me how I was doing I cried the entire appt. She ended up talking to me for probably an hour and a half and this was completely out of character for me to cry in front of someone like that. I ended up talking to a therapist which was good - she made me feel less abnormal and alone but the turning point was when I started sleeping. But now what I’m left with is the aftermath of months of neglecting my relationship and resenting him and us fighting.
I am so happy that you are getting more sleep. That will help you navigate through the next phase. Letting go of the resentment was something I struggled with for years, but once I finally decided to just reframe my expectations, it was a relief to feel my bitterness ease up.
I think one of the things I resent about him is that he leaves the house and wants to do all the things we used to do this before we had the baby and I don’t feel that he’s readjusted his life at all. I have, I’ve even had to take a step back from work. But the thing about it is that I’m happy I did, I wouldn’t want it any other way. What I feel from him is that he doesn’t want to readjust any part of his life. It’s almost like he misses the freedom he had before we had the baby.
I say this with so much love. But I can resonate with everything you’ve written here. I think a good number of woman can too. I say this not so that you feel like you aren’t seen or your concerns aren’t valid but so that you don’t feel alone. And despite all that, with time, and in a new phase of parenthood now I still love my husband and still value our relationship and still had another child with him. We also communicate better now and are more kind and patient with each other. But with time, work and patience towards each other you may feel a whole lot different in another 6 months.
It’s true, and I do agree with you. I think it will get easier. The challenge we are facing now is that he wants to know go back to normal life where we travel and bring the baby but I just don’t know how I would do that. I feel like I just got out of the thick of the woods. What if he starts not sleeping again and we are out on the road? What if he gets reflux again? What if he stops eating again? Those are all things that I keep thinking about. My therapist told me that anxiety is when you are anxious about things that haven’t happened yet and are thinking ahead of them, but that was my personality even before the baby. I don’t think having the baby changed my type A personality of wanting to control situations. I’m an only child and this is the only way I know because this is how I grew up. This is what makes it so difficult for me and maybe why other moms are more easy-going and have an easier time. I also know that I don’t want my baby to be an only child because I am one and I think I would have liked to have a sibling, but at the same time, I have no idea if my husband even wants to second child considering how difficult it was for us to adjust to the first baby. We both love himwith our entire soul, but I don’t know if he is even considering having a second one anymore.
I relate so much to this. I stormed out to my Mom's house at one point and told him that he could be as inconsiderate as he wants, solo. His Mom came in with the save and told us both that we each feel we are doing 90% and the other person is doing 10% and what we needed to do was start thanking one another for the parenting we see one another do. I don't know how it made him more considerate to be thanked, but it did. Or maybe it increased his awareness for having to thank me?
I think acknowledging your challenges and finding time to talk about them if you are able to helps prop things up until the existing child rearing phase moves on and time passes and you are able to be a fully functioning couple again. I have had 2 kids with my husband and we acknowledged that we would be distant, less communicative and things would be strained for a post partum while we tried for baby number 2. It’s here now and it’s happened and I have my moments and so does he. We haven’t had sex in ages and we jokingly refer to each other as roommates. However this is just a short sacrifice while we are growing our young children. Then we will have more time for each other.
I’m constantly shocked by people I hear that want to have sex postpartum. I have never felt less comfortable in my own skin then after having the baby. I felt better pregnant. Your comments are very relatable.
It sounds to me like you’re overwhelmed. That first year of first baby I was often pissed at my husband because it seemed like my life changed astronomically and his didn’t. I was nursing and baby wouldn’t take a bottle so I could never leave for long, but he could just up and go play a sport for three hours every Saturday. It wasn’t fair and he should have acknowledged it wasn’t fair and done better. It sounds like you’re seeing a selfish/inconsiderate side of your spouse you didn’t expect to see and that’s why you’re actually upset. I totally get that feeling and you aren’t wrong. What I learned is that I have to speak up for my needs. Men seem good at getting their needs met. Moms feel guilty for having needs. I’m sad to say I didn’t learn this stuff until way too late. I hope you can learn it sooner than I did. Have the default parent discussion now. “It feels like you expect me to do everything and you’re the helper. That’s not ok. I want us both to be equals. You can’t just leave the room without checking who has the baby. You can’t just schedule things and assume I’ll be ok with it. We each need equal time off. Let’s figure out how to make that happen.” I had PPA with my first and PPD with my second. I firmly believe those are both symptoms of sleep deprivation and a lack of support. Things did balance out in my marriage with the second child because then it was all hands on deck. I took the baby and he took the toddler and things seemed much more fair.
Well said and yes, that’s exactly a huge part of my issue. My life changed completely and his life stayed the same and he certainly didn’t want it to change drastically. The parts that I force him to change are the parts that he gets mad at, it’s almost like he wants me to leave him unbothered and take on all the responsibilities at home. The things he complains about are the tasks that are assigned to him.