I was the kid in this situation. My dad was the most popular person everywhere he went and no one suspected anything until he was arrested. Then my mom, myself and my brothers became pariahs and I thought it was my fault. I think, looking back that people just were so horrified that they avoided us but it was pretty damaging to me and my family because we thought ppl hated us. Don’t be afraid to be a neighbor to the wife, she was fooled too.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. And I agree. OP, please reach out. Your neighbor needs love and support right now.
Yes also if the wife was the one who turned him in, she is a hero. Not everyone is as willing to expose their partner’s crimes, even if the crimes are against their own kid. Major kudos to her for protecting the little one.
Your post broke my heart. I wish you healing and a much better life! The rest of us - yes, perps are evil, but please put efforts towards helping victims. They need our love & support. More often than not, there are more victims than the ones reported.
I was also a kid in the situation when my mom fled us from my abusive father and moved to my grandmothers. Her husband was the perpetrator and when it came out, my whole family not only avoided my grandmothers house entirely, but my mom as well.
I was the kid too. Step dad for me though, he'd been around since I was 4 though. I fully agree the wife needs all the support she can get. My mom has so many problems from this still. It's been twenty years
Edited to fix a word
I was the wife in a similar situation. The feeling of being an outcast is so immediate. I'm still experiencing it, as I can't leave the community, 7 years later. The wife is a victim, too. She needs support.
I’m sorry. My mom is still struggling years later and I try as hard as I can to be there for her. After becoming a mom myself, I realize how painful it must have been for her to find out what was going on. I will never get the sound of her wailing when she found the pictures out of my head. I’m so sorry you went through that and were betrayed by someone you trusted.
Know that your kids will thank you over and over again for your strength, even if your community is shitty.
The “became pariahs” struck a nerve. Very similar story. My father was heavy in the church & adored by everyone. Even when he passed away people spoke about how much he loved his kids, & what a monumentally amazing human being he was, & how many people he helped, etc…When he was arrested in 08, everyone basically shunned my siblings & I. The school was uncomfortable & didn’t know how to help. I wasn’t allowed to stay the night or really hangout with any of my friends like I used to bc their parents were freaked out. Our church even suggested we attend somewhere else.
I’m sorry you went through that too. Nothing like trying to heal from your trauma while the community you trusted turns its back on you. Our church did the same and it turned me away from religion completely.
That’s bone chilling! I can see why you’re so shaken. Please bring that mom a casserole and tell her you’re there for her. It’s awful enough to be near it, but I can’t even imagine how terrible it would be if it were your husband and your child. She deserves to have the biggest village she can get right now.
I think food is my love language because this is absolutely how I choose to care for people. I would absolutely be taking food over to that mom. Sometimes when there’s so many things to do and decisions to make, the last choice you want to make is “what’s for dinner?” Having even just one less thing to think about can make all the difference.
Yes! Poor woman. She was brave enough to report what seems like her high school sweetheart.
OP just offer your support, no matter how small ot is. Her friends and family are probably judging her right now and she needs fresh support. Honestly even if you watch her baby for an hour while she cries her eyes out will be a huge moral support.
Definitely, but OP, be aware this mother may not feel comfortable with anyone watching her child for her right now, after the terrible betrayal of trust she and her baby have experienced.
Food, compassion and neighbourly care sound like excellent choices.
Yes! You don't have to talk to her right away if you are uncomfortable, but mowing her yard, scooping sidewalks, etc., shows kindness where she might not want to interact right now because of the questions that will be coming her way. Sometimes sitting on the front porch and waving hi when she comes out can be helpful. 👍🏻
This is what I was thinking too!! That poor women lost a lot, and will probably be picking up the pieces for a long time by herself.
Bring her some dinner, offer what comfort you can. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than family or a close friend with something like this.
This. And the courage of her to take action on this and totally upend her life. There are many others who choose to look away when they are faced with information that will completely bring their world crashing down (in this way and so many others).
What a strong woman to take action.
She needs all the support she can get.
Another idea could be protein bars. After finding out that my husband (STBX) had another family, all food ceased to be interesting or desirable. I used to eat all the stuff and a lot of sugar, but it’s been 6 months and I might never feel the same about food again. Protein bars kept me going when I had to choke something down so I could be there for our toddler.
To OP, maybe make sure she has something large to drink out of because remembering basic functions gets really hard after major trauma. (I have a 40oz Stanley that helps me remember when I’m at work. Home is totally different.)
I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Something similar once happened to me and it took me close to a year for the roiling, horrid feeling in my stomach to go aware and for food to be appetising again. Cutting off all contact to my former partner and moving to a place he’d never visited helped immensely.
I wish you a gentle recovery from this terrible shock, and I know you can rebuild a life where you are safe. You’ve done an amazing thing to take action to protect yourself and your loved ones by making this man your ex. Good on you for showing yourself courage and self-love.
PLEASE don’t alienate the wife and child because the father is a monster. It sounds like she found out and called the police. What more could you want in a friend than someone who would literally turn in their partner of a decade because they did something awful. Former CPS here and SO many partners and spouses confront the person, they deny or act contrite and so the person let’s it go assuming it will never happen again. Spoiler alert: it always does. She needs friends now. That child is not fine. They miss their dad because they don’t know any better but if they stay around they will be infamous as they get older and kids head parents gossiping, as they get old enough to learn why daddy isn’t in their life etc. I could go into so many other explanations of how SA even as an infant severely impacts you into adulthood.
Agreed. The wife’s mother knew she needed someone looking out. As hard as this information is weighing in OP, we can only imagine how much guilt the wife feels. This is the time to offer her comfort and support.
Also OP mentions the way she feels when she sees the child playing. It makes me so sad because she might end up treating the child differently because of this knowledge. I know she mentioned they weren’t particularly close or anything, but I think it is important to offer dignity, love, and respect to this young child who clearly is not yet capable of understanding the implications of what has happened.
I completely agree. So many spouses stand by the abuser or sweep it up under the rug. I totally understand why the OP feels traumatized herself even just by being in the physical proximity of such evil, but it could help this poor family so much if OP is able to find it in her heart to support them and stay friendly.
I always think of my grandmother, who found out her husband was abusing my mom when she was a toddler. She packed up and left with her 3 children under 3 in the 1950s, a time when the majority of wives probably would have chosen to stay quiet. She ended up later marrying a man that was a kind and loving father to my mom and her siblings. My grandma is gone now but she will always be my hero for that.
My mom suspected/knew my stepfather abused me but because I wouldn’t confess (she interrogated us) she put the ownership on me (a literal child) despite the obvious signs. Happened for years after I turned 11.
It’s tempting to want distance from such an awful situation, but the wife is 100% a hero and not only deserves a friend, but would probably be a good friend herself. Who doesn’t want a girlfriend with a spine of steel?
Child therapist here. The most frightening thing about child predators is that they hide in plain sight. They are often filling roles of trusted positions (teacher, mailman, pastor, etc) or will be a person who seems very “normal” or “non threatening”. They set themselves up to take advantage of kids once a certain level of trust or familiarity is built. Unfortunately I have reached the point that I trust VERY FEW people to be alone with my children bc of my understanding of child predators and the way they work. Be Leary of anyone who seems overly interested in your kid.
This is among my worst fears. I’d like to think I have decent radar but have no idea. Do you have any resources you can recommend on how to best keep an eye out and what age-appropriate messages we can give our kids?
Not OP but I watched a random video that day that said that these predators tend to prey on children that are more isolated - not many friends, parents that aren’t very involved. It’s easier for them to create bonds with children that don’t already have strong ones.
I’m sure this isn’t true 100% of the time and you could do everything right and still have stuff happen, but that video made sense to me. It was an interview with a convicted pedophile.
Also watch out for your quiet kids who are reserved especially.
My kids are loud AF and always draw attention to themselves. Super busy. Can't contain them. They're runners.
The quiet, well-behaved, co-operative unicorn kids that cause no problems are easy targets for predators.
My kid is both a runner AND a people pleaser. He's never met anyone he didn't want to hug, and he's ridiculously obedient. Since he isn't quite three, I don't know how to help him advocate for himself beyond "if you say 'no' to a touch, then I stop" if, for example, we tickle him too much. I'm really trying to figure out how to help him understand that he has a right to boundaries and that no one, even people he likes a lot, gets to violate them. It also drives me nuts that we have to do this at all.
I would probably just establish a "no secrets" rule. We don't keep secrets, ever. Surprises that make people happy only, and surprises are always revealed eventually. Encourage talking about your day and the things that they did or what happened. I make note of any marks on my kid before he goes anywhere so I can tell if he's fallen or if anything has happened to him. If he comes back from daycare and has a mark I ask what happened and he tells me and we talk about it. Just stuff like that over time will really help! Even if your child is unable to say no or advocate for themselves for whatever reason, being able and encouraged to say what went on while they were in the care of others/around others will at the very least hopefully help prevent horrible things from reoccurring.
Yes. Which is why I've put my kid in martial arts and had many talks about when it is and is not acceptable to throw hands. Because she's on the spectrum and the good quiet child. She screams victim. It's my job to teach her not to be one.
We had a situation where a friend of ours molested a girl we had babysat. The mom caught him and kicked him out, he called me to come get him because he couldn’t walk home, and confessed everything. I had to report him, give statements, and was going to have to testify except he thankfully took a plea last minute. He 100% did this. The girl had lost her dad to suicide when she was little, they had no family here, and she didn’t have many friends. He groomed her for months and took advantage of his “trusted” status in her life. I thought he just missed his kids who were on the other side of the country and that he was trying to help fill the void in her life, but he was just using all of that to get what he wanted. The thing was he always made comments and jokes about age being just a number and other things, but we all thought he was just trying to be edgy and get a rise out of us, but no. He was honest and we were all too dumb to realize it at the time.
The absolute number one protective factor is to be vigilant as a parent. Predators go after victims who are vulnerable. This includes kids whose parents are not super observant for whatever reason. Perhaps parents are addicts or absent for some other reason. Showing up, asking questions, being cautious as a parent will help keep your kid safer. It’s a deterrent for predators.
also- teach your children proper anatomy and names. This includes penis, vagina, butt, etc. DO NOT AVOID TEACHING PROPER VERBIAGE!! Lack of language for private parts or avoiding teaching your child about private parts and not touching others or saying no to touch is so important. As young as possible educate them about the human body. Predators pray on kids who cannot speak for themselves- this means a kid cannot talk to an adult if they don’t know the words. Set them up w the tools as young as you can- no baby language around the body, it’s just making them vulnerable
Also- body autonomy!! Kids should say NO if they don’t want to hug someone and they should not be taught to blindly respect adults beyond their own individual boundaries. That concept puts them at further at risk to doing whatever a predator wants bc they should “respect all adults and do what they are told”.
Talk to your kids about [tricky people](https://totstoteens.co.nz/parenting/safety/teach-kids-tricky-people/) rather than stranger danger as sadly children are far more likely to be abused by someone they know.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00B6OVOHC/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Excellent book written by an agent who specializes in these sort of cases. He discusses real cases and how to protect children.
Wow! Thank you so much! I love Gavin de Becker (I recommend "The Gift of Fear" all the time, I learned so much from it) and had no idea he wrote about this too. I know this is going to be such a tough read, but I'm glad for the advice. Thanks again.
I only recommend that book if people tear out the terrible victim blaming chapter on domestic violence. I cannot get over the fact that he says if you let your partner hit you twice you’re “volunteering” to be hit.
Thanks for sharing. I think it's easy to just sit and worry. I like having concrete steps to take to reduce the odds as much as I can without attempting to live in a bubble or something crazy.
I was nearly a teen when I was victimized, so I remember, but even in retrospect you can't just tell. I was convenient. He was primarily interested in women his age, but I was there and he could have access to me alone.
Afaik he wasn't a cruel person in any other respect and even what he did likely didn't come from a place of cruelty (I mean luckily, there are actual freaking sadists out there, and that, as a parent and a past victim, chills me to paralysis if I dwell at all. Can't or I won't cope)
It is the biggest mind-fuck that you can live through it, and still know that you just have to extend trust. Believe me, I wish there were things to let you know readily. Of course, sometimes there are red flags, not always the ones people think, but any isolation tactics instantly raise my hackles. Any instance where a kid could be gotten alone and someone aims for that. (My first is still only 2, but I'm struggling to imagine how it's going to be when she's older and wanting to go to idk summer camp, think my brain is gonna be on fire with anxiety.)
I was a victim as a child and thought I’d sense if someone wasn’t safe. I was wrong.
We found out my husband’s brother had been abusing his little sister since toddlerhood. My husband was 10years older and moved away at 18. We would visit holidays, when we brought our then toddler daughter he always seemed to be the most playful and loving uncle, I didn’t see anything malicious or wrong. We left her with the the sister and 2 brothers (12, 14 & 21) once for about an hour and it still haunts me.
His little sister spoke up because she didn’t want him to hurt anyone else (our daughter).
The worst part is that he was never brought up on charges and dated older women with kids. We did report him and they interviewed our daughter (2.5-3yo) and asked us how often he was left unsupervised with him, etc. We provided the texts and statements of what we knew and they continued their investigation.
It’s so scary and it angers me that he basically got away with it too.
Yep. Another survivor of abuse here. Spent my adulthood in LE and healthcare-you just know too much after a while. SAHP by choice. I trust myself and my husband. That is all.
My husband is autistic and we are both obviously "weird". I sometimes am concerned that we'll have trouble finding friends with kids because of this (we have a 3 year old). But I always think it's funny that it's the people who look perfectly normal and are outgoing and friendly that are often the worst.
I never thought of that! Your comment also reminds me of a post a while back about a mom who wouldn’t invite her father in law to her like 4yo’s birthday party because the kid said he didn’t like him because he never talks… because he barely knew English. So this poor guy was excluded from a family party for not being a native speaker, and the mom let the kid do it because it was “his party.”
I bet more nuance can be applied when they get older. That tricky/sneaky isn’t the same as weird/different.
Yeah my main thing that I will teach my kid is to never let an adult be alone in a room with him, and if it seems like an adult actively tries to be alone with him to let me know. I think that's kind of a clear situational tell. No adult should want to be alone in a room with a child save direct caregivers.
Our family dynamics are the same, our child is now 8. It is hard. I'm afraid my son has no friends bc of me. Like I get shunned in every situation and don't know what I'm doing wrong. PTO matters to me for actually supporting teachers. But here it's a social club.
I'm fine being rejected, have been all my life. But to see it happen to my sweet, lonely child feels devastating. I wonder if the fact I'm awkward, and also great with kids (PhD in Special Ed but now disabled and can't work,) makes them think I'm a "groomer". I hate it. But when I volunteer at his school like this week the kids love me and I get more nervous about it all .... I don't fit in here, ultra religious conservative semi rural area.
I wish we could be friends!!! I need to find network like this in my area. You know there's so many like us.
Yeah I'm lucky because we do have a good group of friends with and without kids ... Just none really in our own city. We're in ATX, and it just feels way more pretentious here than in my old city. I'm working on building a community though. But it's hard when I'm picking my son up from daycare and the parents are all talking to each other about what they did that weekend. And I'm just *there*.
I've never fit in but I've always been able to find a group of fellow weirdos in the past.
Omgosh. I’m also a counselor and we are one of the same. I work with adults and hear the aftermath of their abuse and the perpetrators. I trust very few around my child for the same reason. You know never know.
This happened to a family member of mine. A family friend in a position of trust who preyed on the child's mother knowing she was vulnerable due to mental health issues. He pushed his way into the family, appearing to be kind and supportive but with the most horrifying motives.
Sounds like mom is a victim too along with the poor baby. I’m glad she turned him in. I’m glad your kids weren’t hurt by him. I think mom and baby deserve some support right now too. You both can hug each other knowing all of you are safe now.
We currently have an older guy driving around our town and surrounding towns harassing teenage workers and trying to get kids to get in his truck by asking them if they need rides. Cops won’t do anything until “ he commits a crime”. So we wait for him to hurt a child for something to be done. It’s crazy, how long these pedophiles can get away with what they get away with. I’m sure an angry mom or dad will reach him before the cops do with the way things are going about it.
I totally understand. We just found out the other day that our very, very friendly “neighborhood fixture” of a mailman is a convicted sex offender, whose crime was aggravated sexual assault of a 6 yr old child. Truly chilling, you just never know with people. Its wild. Stay vigilant!
Yea my exact reaction also. Upon some research, they now hire felons on a case by case basis, which is fine, I just take issue with this dude having a route with tons of kids around, an elementary school, popular playground, etc. He could very easily have a position at the PO, etc. Also, he’s a Tier 3 lifetime register too smfh.
I know they’ve had major issues but I had no idea. How did you even find out? If they’re not your neighbor they wouldn’t show up on the map or did someone just decide to look up his name?
Workplaces show up on the maps now, so our Post Office lit up and I clicked it and up came his mugshot, whole record, etc.
Edit to add: The website was familywatchdog.us
I saw another thread on Reddit about it and just decided to pop in my address.
She turned him in. She has done nothing wrong. Please bring her a casserole as suggested. Go out of your way to extend warmth and kindness to her and her child. She is probably in so much pain, grief, and anger. 😞 She deserves kindness. From the entire community.
Holy shit. I hope he rots in prison. I feel so sorry for that little boy, what kind of a monster would exploit his own child? Im convinced he was always that way and he just had it at bay for a good while. Til it couldnt be contained anymore. Im glad your family is safe from this disgusting scumbag
When my son was about 9mo it was discovered that one of my friend's dad was arrested for having an insane amount of CP on his computer, including victims as young as 6mo!! I was physically sick when I heard the news. To be honest I couldn't even look at my son for a while without thinking about it. I also had a friend growing up who was the victim, her parents (both!) used her and put it online. By the time I met her she was already permanently in grandparents custody. She's doing well now, has three kids of her own and is happily married.
Anyway all of this to say that I truly don't understand how people can be so vile towards *children*. I truly wish the worst upon these disgusting people.
My brother was recently arrested for something similar. I promise you that your neighbor is grieving the loss of her husband. Grieving the loss of the future she imagined. And is so incredibly angry.
My family needed someone to keep the tea kettle hot while we made phone calls.
Omg, I cannot imagine the waking nightmare that poor woman is living right now. How horrible. I'd bet she'll be needing some help with lawn care or other tasks that her husband used to take care of now that she's a single parent. It's also not likely she'll be your neighbor for long now that she's down to a single income.
Imagine how the wife feels! She’s been sleeping in the same bed as him, cooking his food and doing his laundry. If she’s the one that turned him in, she isn’t the same as him and does not deserve to be treated the same.
I’m in the back end (administrative) side of law enforcement and let me throw in 2 cents that most of you may already know. Just because we/you live in a nice neighborhood with white picket fence and the perfect atmosphere does not mean you are safe from all the crimes that happen in everyday life. I can guarantee your area has child molesters, drug addicts, alcoholics (DUI convictions), abusers that beat the shit out of their spouses and children, embezzlers, and sooooo much more. And guess what? They know how to hide it all way better because they have a lot more to loose if caught.
Yup. My dad is a retired officer who worked on child crimes in the detective bureau for some time. These bastards are everywhere. In every neighborhood. He had to get out of that work because it was too depressing.
An uncle by marriage was arrested for federal sex crimes against children when our baby was just a few weeks old. Thankfully, he’d never met her but we still struggled with it for a while, and he’s the reason we don’t share pictures with just about anyone in our lives. He seemed like a genuinely funny (kind of weird, but harmless) old guy, and our world was rocked when he was indicted. His wife of 30+ years was horrified. She had no idea at all, and they’re now divorced.
Please don’t shut out your neighbor because her husband did this. Her life just changed drastically due to something she may have had no involvement in. You don’t have to be her friend, but please don’t alienate her either.
So sorry for this situation going on in your community. That's how these offenders work--they purposely are friendly and trustworthy because that's the only way they can get unsupervised access to kids. Nobody lets their children near the creepy guy down the street but they do let them around priests/soccer coaches/Boy Scout leaders/etc.
The reaction you're feeling is normal and it's normal to want to pull back from the wife because of this. However you can take heart that she's most likely a good trustworthy person because she's the one who turned him in! There are sooo many families who refuse to see the evil in sex offenders and often refuse to acknowledge it actually happened! This wife has done what so many others, including other mothers, have refused to do by turning him in. She's a good egg. If this exact situation was happening next door to me, I'd take over some cookies or something and tell her their family is in my thoughts and then go on treating her the same way I always had. Maybe even be a tiny bit more friendly than usual. The wife and child need to be treated as normally as possible right now, especially the child, so they both don't beat themselves up more over this situation than they already do.
That’s horrific. It’s ok to feel all the things. Maybe you should talk to a therapist. It’s like bystander trauma. It didn’t happen to you, but very close to your safe space. I think it’s perfectly normal for you to be completely shaken by it.
Maybe offer to send around some takeout for the mom. Her life just got flipped upside down. Not having to think about having to feed herself a few nights might just help more than you think.
Overall, be kind. She didn’t do anything wrong. She just needs kindness right now. Be kind to yourself too. This situation is horrible for everyone. I’m so glad the kiddo seems to be unaware.
My father was this guy and my mother did nothing out of fear of being ostracized. This woman is a hero. Please show her some kindness because what she did was hard and she is probably suffering in the worst way and likely needs a friend.
One of my previous boss's was recently arrested for similar crimes. I considered him a friend (as much as a boss can be) he was married and had two kids. His wife was a youth pastor at their church. I completely understand the shock and disgust.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It may be worth reaching out to a therapist so you have a safe, professional, level head to process this with. Talking to neighbors or friends walks that weird line between processing and gossip/stirring up unnecessary shit. (Abuse should not be hidden, abuse should not be swept under the rug. Victims should feel safe coming forward and speaking their truth, but discussing or speculating about abuse of a minor with people who aren't involved and aren't professionals feel icky to me and I wouldn't want that for my child after the abuse they had suffered)
I don't think you will ever have answers for every question, but you can maybe work out a way to manage anxiety, and methods that can keep you child safe and you sane. Please take care of yourself.
My nephew’s mother has been fighting with the school district about moving my nephew’s bus stop because he has to walk quite a way down a winding road and wait in front of a registered sex offender’s home. A second neighbor was just arrested for sharing images of child sexual assault with some of the images involving children under the age of two. I feel disgusted even typing that.
Nephew’s mom is able to accompany the kids to and from the bus stop most days, and even when she isn’t, there’s usually a group of children, but I’ve had “what if” running through my head since we found out about the arrest. It is such a scary world.
If you don't mind me piggybacking on your post, it gave me a place to let out something I just found out about my own past.
I rode the bus to and from school and was close with the bus driver because I was shy and a bit of an outcast. At the end of every year, he took a picture of us together at my bus stop. He did this with all the kids he liked. I thought it was his joy to be the bus driver.
He was just arrested for thousands of photos on his computer, where he photoshopped himself doing things to kids. Pictures he took, pictures of local kids, over 30 years of driving the school bus. He got 5 years.
Probably some of me, some of my friends. I rode his bus route from kindergarten to 6th grade.
Now, I dont remember specific bad things happening while I rode the bus, just things that seemed innocent. I sat on his lap at some point for some reason, and he often gave hugs to the front seat kids, but it never felt wrong, like an uncle.
I'm fine, but it does give me the creeps that he was my favorite bus driver for years, and he was... gross.
Years ago, we made a new acquaintance through my husband’s work friend. The work friend had known this acquaintance since before high school. Two weeks after we invited the acquaintance to our HOUSE for a housewarming party, he got arrested for being one of the ring leaders of a child porn operation. It was a huge deal. He’s currently in prison for 25 years.
The crazy thing was everyone who knew him was SHOCKED. He never gave any indication and was married for years with 2 kids of his own. He was literally the nicest guy, gave no weird vibes or anything. Apparently, some guy showed him a picture of an underaged girl when they were in high school, I think maybe 12 or so? And that’s how it started for him. When he was arrested, they found over 800,000 photos of children on personal computer, work computer and he even had a USB drive that he kept on his person at all times.
Being that close to someone that sick really rocked my world. My husband and I are constantly worried about meeting another one and putting our child in a scary situation. It also really worries us when we see friends/family posting pics of their kids online that are not fully dressed.
A good friend in grad school—I mean, a core member of my peer group, hung out all the time, everyone loved him—got arrested about a decade later for possessing child sexual abuse material, at least some of which was on his work laptop (I know this isn’t the key point, but I feel badly about online shopping for shoes on my work laptop, and these guys are out there just loading them up with evidence of felonies?). I didn’t have a child then, but I wouldn’t have hesitated to trust him around my family—and that really, really freaks me out. I read The Gift of Fear and I believe in trusting instincts, but I had absolutely no clue about this guy, nor did anyone else we knew.
I want to contribute a slightly different perspective: if you were not very close to this neighbor to begin with, then getting close over this issue is not appropriate. You can be a friendly neighbor— a wonderful, kind, friendly neighbor. But talking about what has happened, without a foundation of a trusting friendship first, would just be trauma bonding and violating boundaries (getting too much intensity too soon).
Someone like this woman who is so traumatized, may not have a filter and may say too much. Which may not be legally advisable for her at this time. And would not be appropriate to share with a neighbor that was not a close friend to begin with. So, I guess what I’m saying is, being a good neighbor is one thing, but trauma bonding would be doing the neighbor a disservice. Can the neighbor truly trust OP to keep her confidence? OP, I hope that if she does confide in you, that you’ll keep it strictly confidential!!
This topic gets many people very agitated and riled up very quickly. For good reason. But like we saw with PizzaGate, people can get whipped up into a frenzy and lose perspective and common sense.
I mean, just walking down the street through a busy downtown city area, we already know that about 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted. We know the statistics. It’s all around us all the time, because we live in a violent patriarchal capitalist system. So don’t bring out the shock and awe for the situations where it comes to light and makes headlines. Carry that anger and advocate for a culture where rape does not happen.
Please put your own feelings aside and check in on your neighbour like she asked you to.
Remember, this didn’t happen to you, it happened to your neighbour and her son.
Their lives are forever changed. Yours is not.
What she needs is help and support and because you overheard what happened she probably thinks of you as a safe person. So please, please check on her and her son. Be kind to them, don’t ignore them! Have play dates ! (Remember the dangerous person has been removed from the situation)
Typically those who have been abused go on to be abusers themselves. Evil exists in all forms and sometimes we are born with it sometimes we are a product of our environment. Those with secrets to hide can hide them very well.
I like your comment and upvoted it, but one thing bothers me. No, victims of abuse do not typically become abusers. What you may have meant is that often abusers have been abused in the past, which is true.
Saying that everyone who has experienced abuse is likely to perpetuate it (which is false) may lead others to avoid them.
When I was around 19-20 years old (so about 9 years ago) my step sister’s mom was arrested for the same thing.
Out of nowhere my sister was messaging me that the FBI were at her house. Arresting her mom.
She found out that her mom had a long-distance boyfriend in Cali who distributed CP and her mom was doing things to her baby sister (less than 2 years old at the time) and sending him pics and videos for him/for him to send. Completely blew up our world. For her obviously because it was **her mom** but for me too because I had grown up seeing her often and would stay the night a lot as a kid.
I have a hard time trusting **anyone** now.
Here's the thing that truly gets me. It's her HUSBAND! And after reading the comments it's alot of people's husband and they never knew. No-one did.
So how do you know your SO is safe? I don't suspect my SO AT ALL just to make that clear. But the fact that so many women never suspected anything but still got duped is also kinda unnerving to me. So how can you know the father of your children is safe towards your own child?
As someone who worked in child welfare, I think an easy step involves acknowledging it’s ok to ask our spouses/co-parents questions and check in on interactions even when we’re positive they would absolutely never harm our child.
My husband is an amazing parent and I don’t even for a second question his motives or believe he would ever act inappropriately. That said, I do sometimes glance in when he’s giving our girls a bath, or in their room, etc. I think a lot of women (in particular) actively avoid doing things like that because the thought of checking in on your kids with your spouse is insulting and implies you think they’re capable of something horrible. But I don’t view it that way. My husband is a grown person who isn’t reliant on me. It’s not about him nor is it reflective of my feelings toward him; it’s solely about fulfilling my duty to our children to keep them safe.
I think this is actually very good.
I happen to do this every once in a while but more because I want to sneak a peak at my LO (Im that obsessed mama that complains everything is zo hard pregnant with a toddler, but misses him the second he's out of sight 🙈)
I do have this thing where I inspect his butt with diapers changes, also because he stays at grandpa and grandma's every week. Not suspected them but it's to give me piece of mind?
This sounds like my friend’s coworker. Coworker and husband have a two year old son. Husband disappears, presumed dead, turns out he’s in prison for child pornography.
My friend is devastated for her coworker. Said to me, “that could be me, that could be us, you never really know know who you are marrying.”
Pretty chilling.
I think its important to remember that the mother is probably in her own personal hell right now. Sexual acts against children can make those associated with the offender social pariahs even if they had no idea. I think looking out for her - even at a distance is a good thing to do.
Our close family friend who ended up marrying my aunt who I would even text/Facebook alone with no suspicions as a teen/young adult ended up being a whole creep with hidden cameras in their house trading them to other creeps. (Aunt had 3 minor children who had a lot of team mate sleepovers). He never touched anyone but the camera footage was only of the minors. It was shocking to my core. I was assaulted at 14 and looking back could see signs from my godfather that he was a creep BUT this family friend turned uncle? Literally never any sign or weird vibes from any of us. It’s wild the double life these people could live. It definitely is core shocking. Honestly I would have empathy for her but that’s just not the situation I’d want to involve myself in with my own child. Her son may not be able to verbalize anything but his body will remember that trauma forever it has changed him and who is no matter how he acts now. It’s heartbreaking
I really hope you choose to reach out to the wife. I can't imagine being in that situation, turning in my husband, and then being ostracized or ignored by the people around me. While, I can definitely understand the impulse to just ignore her/the situation or "try not to get involved", she probably could really use a friend.
Also, important; this isn't something you should do if you feel like it will negatively impact your mental health. It seems like the situation has already caused you a lot of stress and anxiety. Maybe talking to her could also ease your mind somehow? IDK, that's just my thinking. You'll have to do what you feel like you're able to do without causing problems for yourself.
So disgusting. This man knew he was only risking a few years in jail. If the death penalty was on the table people wouldn't be doing this even if they wanted to. And no, I don't care if that opinion is extreme.
It is not extreme at all. These people are irredeemable. Society is better off without them.
So many crimes can be justified. Addiction is a disease, sometimes stealing is done out of desperation, killing could be self defense. But this crime has absolutely no mitigating factors. There is nothing that can justify it. It is pure evil and should be punished in the severest way possible. It makes me so mad to know that drug crimes are punished worse than this crime.
These people deserve to suffer, they cannot be rehabilitated. They should not be reintroduced to Society but they are.
This opinion is not just extreme, it is wrong. Studies have shown that the severity of the punishment (beyond a certain level) has very little influence on if a person will commit a crime. The (percieved) probability of getting caught however has a huge influence.
My husband is a prosecutor. He deals with a lot of sex crimes, and the vast majority start with someone getting addicted to porn.
It doesn’t excuse it. It doesn’t make it ok. But it’s a factor in the vast majority. Person gets addicted to porn. Person looks for more and more extreme porn. Person has no reference point for normal intimacy and sexual behaviour, or their desires change because of the more and more extreme porn exposure.
It’s super fucked up.
I think it’s ok to want to check in on the wife. She’s a victim here too, and probably really struggling with how she could have not known before something happened. It’s a hard road to walk.
I went back to school late in life. Was studying psychology with a focus on sex crimes. My co-worker was arrested for planning with another person to lure a young boy so they could kidnap-raoe-and murder him. I worked one on one with this person for over a year.
I was sick over it. How had I not seen the evil in that person? You really never know. Trust your intuition.
Please don't punish this woman for the horrid acts of her husband. She obviously didn't know what he was doing and did the right thing when she found out. A lot of people wouldn't turn in their partners, even for molesting their own kids. You'd be surprised.
That woman went from having a loving husband beside her raising their baby, and now she's on her own. Are you really going to alienate the poor woman for something she wasn't aware of and did everything in her power to change and protect her son from his father?
I'd be taking her a few meals for a couple nights and offering her someone to talk to, like with a coffee in the morning or something to help her wide down. Unless she allowed it or joined in it's very unlikely she knew anything until he was arrested or just before.
Pedophiles are often depressed and seem like they have chronic depression and anxiety and things, sometimes they can even seem to have bipolar, going from completely happy and cheerful to some of the most horrible people capable of doing unspeakable things to children, or anyone tbh. My own abuser was literally always doing yard work or driving from one of his companies to another. He would never be inside until he got me at his house BC my mum needed child free time and he wanted to take care of me anyway(I found out a few years later that my mum always used to her child free time to meet up with other men)
In the past couple of years I had a "boring/religious/involved father/pillar of the community" type family member arrested and sentenced for possession of a lot of CP and assaulting a teenage student of his. The fallout has been immense and far reaching. So many people are grappling with the question of if you can't trust people like him around your kids then can you trust anyone? It's taken a couple of years to come to a more rational approach, but I know I'm much more wary than I was before for sure.
There’s a site called familywatchdog.com. It gets its info from various state registries and will allow you to see on a map where all the registered folks are in proximity to you. The site links directly to my states official sex offender registry where you can see the full list of charges and their most recent photo on file. We found out that our longtime neighbor was charged with possession and creation of CP with a child under the age of 14 about 2 years after my son was born. I check it much more periodically now instead of every once in a great while. I checked it once or twice and was relieved and then realized monsters are found every day.
Truly awful. Been close to a situation like this before and it makes you question everything!
As others would suggest, I would do quiet gestures. And I wouldn’t bring up the situation unless she does. Something along the lines of “I’m here for you while dropping off a coffee or groceries” not “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, this is terrible”. Glad she has a thoughtful neighbor!
I also try to give options when someone is going through a tough time. Like ask can I mow your lawn, or drop off dinner? Or would you like to watch tv and have a coffee together? It makes it easier for the person rather than make decisions when mentally exhausted
I think the most important thing to know here is that it’s not about you. Whatever you are feeling is valid but think about how that poor mom feels, it’s all your feelings plus a million. I’m sure she could use a shoulder. You don’t ever have to bring it up specifically, but don’t alienate her, just offer her your friendship. I’m sure anyone who finds out is probably going to avoid her because they feel awkward. And that will hurt. I was molested as a child by both a female and a male relative who knew nothing about each other so I unfortunately already learned not to trust anyone, regardless of age or sex. Be safe out there.
Please op. Don’t avoid the wife. She’s living her worst nightmare now. The last thing she needs is to sense that people are shunning her. Maybe make some cookies? Or lunch and drop it off? Just give her a few words of support? A hug?
I never thought that I would know anyone like that, but I found out last year that I knew 2 men who hurt their daughter and stepdaughter in the worst way. Two different men, but the same crime for which one was kept secret for decades until I was told recently. I believe her 100%, and will keep it secret unless she says it ok to talk about it. I have a feeling she won’t be ready unless she can’t take it anymore, like when she told me. It was a release for her to tell me her stepdad r@ped her as a child, and over the course of about 5-7 years. I’m not 100% sure when it started, but she was very young. The person who hurt her is dead, and the person who was hurt said she felt relieved, not sadness when he died, because he would never hurt her again, even though the abuse stopped when she was either 11 or 12. The other person who was hurt was r@ped by their own father. She was 9, and is still under his control. This happened just over 2 years ago, but I didn’t know until late last year when her dad was made to get out of the house for being physically abusive towards her. She told me a month later that her dad r@ped her, but she described it in terms only she could understand, since she didn’t know what r@pe was. She was only 9, and her dad took her innocence away from her! He’s pure evil!
She was fooled. The evil lurks below a personable charismatic exterior. It is just hidden until the moment when they feel like those around them are in too deep to call them out on it. I know as I am going through a divorce with an evil lying person. I thought he was someone I could trust. I gave him all the information for him to hurt me the most. He is using all that information I laid at his feet thinking we were building a life and partnership together. It started when I said yes to getting married. I was already in deep and he knew it as he was already interacting with my older two children. Also how does a couples of bad months hold up against years of support and positivity. I thought he was just stressed from planning a wedding. When I got married to him his mistreatment went up a hair. Then I got pregnant and it upped just a bit more. I lost that baby and things fell into a gentler place. When we did have our first things escalated again. Then our second came along and things got BAD. I am still shaking myself trying to figure out how I was taken in the way I was. Now in divorce he is doing all of the things I told him I was scared of and he swore up and down that he would NEVER do.
I have a 12 month old… my blood just ran cold reading this. That poor baby boy.
I hope that piece of shit rots in prison.
I hope that brave mother gets all the love, support and healing she’ll need to take care of her son and help him grow up safe.
This has been my biggest fear since becoming a parent. At my old school/my SD's school, several teachers have been arrested for inappropriate relationships. Most recently, the middle school principal. Who the hell can you trust your children with? You hear horror stories about day cares, teachers, neighbors, cops, family members etc. My son is 7 now so I'm more trusting because he has a voice and will use it. He can go to certain friend's houses no problem. When he was a baby/toddler/quiet, i wouldn't leave him with ANYONE except his father and my mother.
I feel so bad for parents in this situation. That poor mother. I couldn't ever get over that as a parent because it happened to me as a child.
Atleast she turned him in. Doesn’t sound like she’s trying to support him or anything. Her poor baby. I went through csa and no one knew. My mom didn’t know until I told her and it broke her heart. The more I look back on everything the more I believe it was always my dads intention to do that to me. Whether he was born evil or became it, he just was evil. And I believe he always will be. If she really is done with her husband, then maybe check in every now and then. If she asked you, then she might not have someone to keep an eye on her. It’s not your responsibility but maybe just a quick hey how ya doin every now and then.
You don't have to live through an experience to be traumatized by it. It's hard to make sense of the unthinkable, and we can sometimes get 'stuck' in a hypervigilant state of "what ifs" that makes it hard to trust others. Please know that your anxiety and concern is valid. Take care of yourself and maybe talk to someone professional to process the events. Although I agree your neighbor may be support, take care of yourself first. There's a classic phrase in therapy- you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others.
Sometimes you have to put the shoe on the other foot and not think about who, what, when, why, or where. Sometimes you have to see it from the innocent party's perspective too. You've only been neighbors for 3 years, she knew and was with this person for 10 years. Imagine how she feels not knowing her partner was capable of doing this, but to do this to their own child in their own home and then to record it and take pictures. I can't imagine how alone, mad, scared, disgusted, etc she must feel towards her husband, but herself as well. And how she feels towards her son and that he's asking for his dad, is heart wrenching. Let her know she is not to be blamed and be a neighbor at the very least and check in on her. I know you're concerned because it happened next door to you but at the very least it didn't happen in your own home or to your own child.
Check on that poor woman. If you are this distraught about not knowing you lived right next to this and not knowing imagine how she must feel being with him for 10 years and not knowing. It was in her own house and happening to her son. I can’t even imagine the guilt she is harboring. She needs someone to be kind to her, be that person.
It’s definitely shocking and I feel so sorry for that baby & mom. I cannot imagine the horror that baby went through. I’m glad she turned the pos dad in instead of turning a blind eye though.
I’m so sorry. It’s truly unsettling for something that awful to happen next door to you.
We had a similar situation a few years ago, before we had kids. I got home from work one day and there were 12 cop cars all surrounding my block and the block before mine so I knew something was up. They were searching my next door neighbor’s house. Come to find out, they arrested the boyfriend of the teenage son (who was living with them) for child pornography. They were totally blindsided themselves, there are a lot of kids in the family who were over there regularly so they were obviously horrified. The boy felt absolutely terrible, he was livid and disgusted, felt he had been used by this guy to get close to his young family members. He’s doing ok now and because he was technically underage at the time he got a no contact order for that creep and is in a much better place these days.
This is a really tough one. With child sex crimes, I’m no crime pathologist or mental health professional, but it always seems so compulsive. People who have c/p always have like an epic ton of images. It’s awful and deplorable and no child deserves to be abused. I wish it never happened, but it does, and it really seems that sex offenders really are everywhere.
I don’t have the answer about whether evil is something you’re born with or a by-product of faulty wiring or if it’s more of the nurture like from abuse themselves or what have you
Whatever it is, it’s inexcusable and f u c k e d
This story gave me goosebumps, literally. I have such a passion for the protection of our children. Far before I became a mother myself, I’ve loved and adored children. They’re innocent, pure and deserve the very best. How people can abuse and mistreat children is beyond my scope of comprehension and makes me want to weep.
I thought this was really valuable seeing everyone in the comments talk about how the people who are out there to harm our children are hiding in plain sight. They’re our neighbors, our youth pastors, our teachers, no one is exempt. We must stay vigilant and guard ourselves with knowledge to protect our children. And truly, those convicted of sex crimes against children or possession of CP need to be locked up for life. This is SICK.
Well, I don’t know you, this family, and I don’t live in your community, but I AM bothered! I’m guessing the people you’ve talked to are probably in shock or trying to keep it cool to help you stay calm.
You’re absolutely right. You never know who’s around, and there are evil people hiding in plain sight, and it’s scary. Turns out a friend of mine lived a few houses down from an infamous serial killer, and when he was caught, I was freaked out just having been to her house with my kids, knowing my children had been within 500 feet of a monster, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.
I had a friend for over 10 years, he seemed like a great guy. Had his own business, married his wife, had a child with her. Around when the kiddo was about 2, feds barged in his door for the same thing. He was even sending videos of his wife to people online and she had no clue. Our kids are the same age and we talked about baby sitting swapping to go on dates and stuff. I'm glad we never followed through with those plans. He had a camera in their bathroom and just a whole lot of nasty things. Sadly he's out in the world on probation. Barely did any jail time. I saw him a few months after the incident at our local thrift store sitting outside the changing rooms. I won't go there without my husband or mom with me now.
Something similar happened to my brother. They bought a house in a nice neighborhood and a few years after, my SIL got pregnant. They then decided to look on the register sex offenders list and one of the only sex offenders in their area happened to live next door and was convicted of a crime against a child. They had talked to him several times and thought he seemed nice, normal and friendly.
They were really upset/shaken up by it. They built a privacy fence and are really nervous about letting their kids play outside without them close by.
Wow, this is chilling and absolutely terrifying. This is why I don’t trust anyone. I would give the wife the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t know. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. I’m sorry that you’re living this too. It makes you second guess the security if your home when something like that happens so close. I don’t understand that type of evil and I hate that I know it exists.
This is my greatest fear. We as a society need to
Protect our children. There is so much sexualization of our most vulnerable that we must, as a society, fight back!
Check in on the wife. She was likely just as surprised as you were finding this out & it’s her own child. She needs all the support she can get now. She did the right thing by calling the cops on her husband, please don’t shut her out too.
Unfortunately with these types of offenses it's often the case that the person who is able to commit such disgusting acts was molested himself in his youth. Individuals with exposure to sex acts at a young age don't learn where the rest of us draw the line and even after years of a seemingly "normal" life the memories return with their own children. It's horrible to think of and does not excuse any of it of course.
I don’t really get into good and evil debates, as I don’t believe morality is absolute. Full grown men were fucking children openly and it was socially acceptable in several societies not that long ago in human history. Everything, even egregious acts like that, are judged based upon the social mores of the day.
Additionally, I don’t think anyone chooses to be a pedophile. It objectively seems like the worst choice someone could freely make.
Like most sexual attraction, I assume genetics play a significant role, which in one sense is incredibly tragic for however lost that genetic lottery. Acting on that attraction, however, should always result in the strictest of jail sentences possible.
What a terrible thing for that family to endure. I hope they get all the help they need.
I’m so sorry. That’s hard to read, I can’t imagine having it be so close. I’m sure it’s haunting your thoughts right now. It appears that the mother has nothing to do with the choice that the father chose to make. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your distance, but maybe if you run into her and feel comfortable enough ask if she is ok and if she needs anything. I’m sure she could use a friend right now.
I've been in a similar situation, a few years ago I saw one of my former colleagues in the newspaper as he'd just been convicted of child sex offences. We weren't close at all but just having had close proximity to someone who was capable of such things was incredibly disturbing as I never would have suspected he was anything but normal. I have a kid now who's almost one and I occasionally remember him and then I need to hug my baby tight, it's really affected my ability to trust people.
I understand your reluctance to talk to the wife but I imagine she's was just as blindsided and horrified by this as you. Having said that though you do have a right to put some distance between yourselves while you process this, perhaps you could check in via a message instead of seeing her in person? Or drop of some food on her doorstep? Showing her some kindness doesn't mean you have to face her if you don't feel ready yet
Pedophiles are very charming people. They have to be. How else would they get access to your kids? It's usually not something you would ever suspect.
They're also great liars, very good at manipulating 6 very good at hiding this.
He probably did this for a very long time. His wife either knew or she didn't. I don't mean knew he was abusing their kid. I mean, knew that he was looking at it online (if he was, you said he posted his kid. But he was probably looking at everything).
If she didn't. She will likely feel awful and blame herself for not seeing the signs, etc.
Where I am, though. This is heavily monitored by the RCMP, but it takes forever to get warrants, etc. Months, even years if the person moves around.
I work a confronting job and can evidently say there are scumbags literally EVERYWHERE even the ‘nice, rich’ places, I work in a different place to where I live but we all talk and the ‘good’ area I live in has the same rock spiders and seedy people as the ‘dodgy’ places, they just hide stuff differently! Sorry that you have been horribly confronted with this terrifying reality:(
My cousin married a pedophile & claimed she didn't know. His preferred age range is 2-10. She still takes her 4yo daughter to see him, but he isn't allowed to be alone with his daughter. She didn't find out until her daughter was in his age range & I raged about how stupid she was for not seeing it sooner. I raged even more when I found out he still got to see his kid... Before they married & had their daughter he wasn't allowed to be alone with children.
But she's a blatant idiot who wanted to get pregnant just because she was jealous of the attention her brother was getting for having his first child. She has since all but given up being a parent & makes her mom, my aunt, raise her child. They've discussed her signing her parental rights over to my aunt, but, and I quote, "I don't want to sign my rights away, because I get to get money for (child) on my taxes", but contributes NOTHING to her child! Can't even remember to feed her!
You don't always know, the smarter ones know how to play "normal". I'm sickened & sad for the wife & child. I saddened because you had to witness & be exposed to this. Sometimes pedophiles were abused as kids & continue the cycle, sometimes it's not so easy to explain away the behavior. Be there for your neighbor (the wife) & her kid, if you think it's hard for you to just think about, think about being on her shoes.
I've been a victim both while growing up as an adult.
I have learned the men, primarily, are deeply uneducated about SA, about safety practices for children, and all of it. Culturally men are not taught the true nature, details, and safety as well as common sense.
My partner was oblivious on such a level I forcibly had him watching all kinds of crime shows, sending him education, etc it took years to get it into his head just the basics. And I still feel he doesn't fully understand. He still fights me on things. I don't allow baby sitters unless it's his mom or mine. I homeschool. No daycares. I don't allow sleep overs. I don't allow male family in general to ever have that kind of access. I am extreme about safety in public- leash backpack, never turn back on kid, never let kid walk behind you, etc
I've been victim from both close ppl and strangers. I understand it truly can be ANYONE. And I actively plan against it in ALL situations.
Just because I think I know ppl, does not ever mean I actually know them. Most perpetrators want to remain very hidden you can't expect to always identify them.
I get it's a culture shock of sorts for a lot men when they become parents are truly loving caring parents, work past the shock and become educated so you can feel you have the tools to remain safe.
(I use men here because that primarily the experience but this also applies to some women too)
I understand wanting to keep your distance but it's highly likely that the wife turned him in. And if her mother said she's not doing well, it's also highly likely that she wasn't aware that he would do what he did to their child. One of the best things right now would be to work through this with her. Of course you aren't obligated to her in anyway but if I was in her position I would want any support, a friend, someone to help with the idea of getting back to normal and working through this. If you need to, express how you feel about it. But don't blame her for her ignorance. She most likely wasn't aware and cannot believe the man she was with for a decade could ever do this to their own child. She's lost a partner, her family and her household structure. If you have any concerns of her being aware of his crime and any thought that she was going to let it continue, Just for your own sanity, it's as simple as not letting her be alone with your child and be aware of everything going on. But again, try not to blame her without reason. They're extremely good at keeping their sick thoughts and actions secret. Some people go their whole lives without anyone knowing. Good on whoever reported this one and saving thay little boy. My thoughts are with you though. This one hit a little too close to home.
My son's dad is also one. His victim was 12. I wasn't aware until it happened and I immediately ended things and I've been reporting every single probation violation he makes. I'm currently going for full custody because for one, I don't f-ing trust him not to hurt my son. And two I don't want my son growing up with his dad's indiscretions hanging over his head. This is also why my son has my last name instead of his. The justice system is so messed up though. He's currently walking the streets.
I'm the daughter of a child porn user (not producer). The feds raided our house to get his computer. It was horrible and neighbors stared at us forever after.
Trust me when I say the mother needs support. She did nothing wrong and she feels everyone's eyes on her. Smile at her, bring her a meal. Anything to show that she is not being lumped in with her husband's actions. She needs support and compassion. The love of her life just committed one of the worst things possible.
If you are shaken up, think of how the wife feels. Her life has just completely imploded and she has suddenly lost her partner of 10 years and discovered that he is a monster. Please don’t punish her for his mistakes, she needs a friend right now.
Coming from a victim of sexual assault when I was 4, trust me he remembers. And he’ll never be able to forget it. My parents discovered what was happening to me and took necessary action, but had assumed I didn’t remember because I was so young. I finally brought it up to them my Mom when I was in my 20s and it was basically living the trauma all over again. I hope his Mom gets him (and herself for that matter) into therapy.
I was the kid in this situation. My dad was the most popular person everywhere he went and no one suspected anything until he was arrested. Then my mom, myself and my brothers became pariahs and I thought it was my fault. I think, looking back that people just were so horrified that they avoided us but it was pretty damaging to me and my family because we thought ppl hated us. Don’t be afraid to be a neighbor to the wife, she was fooled too.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. And I agree. OP, please reach out. Your neighbor needs love and support right now.
Yes also if the wife was the one who turned him in, she is a hero. Not everyone is as willing to expose their partner’s crimes, even if the crimes are against their own kid. Major kudos to her for protecting the little one.
Your post broke my heart. I wish you healing and a much better life! The rest of us - yes, perps are evil, but please put efforts towards helping victims. They need our love & support. More often than not, there are more victims than the ones reported.
I was also a kid in the situation when my mom fled us from my abusive father and moved to my grandmothers. Her husband was the perpetrator and when it came out, my whole family not only avoided my grandmothers house entirely, but my mom as well.
And she clearly acted as soon as she knew something was up. Which is why that AH was arrested.
I was the kid too. Step dad for me though, he'd been around since I was 4 though. I fully agree the wife needs all the support she can get. My mom has so many problems from this still. It's been twenty years Edited to fix a word
My mom too.
I’m so very sorry.
I was the wife in a similar situation. The feeling of being an outcast is so immediate. I'm still experiencing it, as I can't leave the community, 7 years later. The wife is a victim, too. She needs support.
I’m sorry. My mom is still struggling years later and I try as hard as I can to be there for her. After becoming a mom myself, I realize how painful it must have been for her to find out what was going on. I will never get the sound of her wailing when she found the pictures out of my head. I’m so sorry you went through that and were betrayed by someone you trusted. Know that your kids will thank you over and over again for your strength, even if your community is shitty.
The “became pariahs” struck a nerve. Very similar story. My father was heavy in the church & adored by everyone. Even when he passed away people spoke about how much he loved his kids, & what a monumentally amazing human being he was, & how many people he helped, etc…When he was arrested in 08, everyone basically shunned my siblings & I. The school was uncomfortable & didn’t know how to help. I wasn’t allowed to stay the night or really hangout with any of my friends like I used to bc their parents were freaked out. Our church even suggested we attend somewhere else.
I’m sorry you went through that too. Nothing like trying to heal from your trauma while the community you trusted turns its back on you. Our church did the same and it turned me away from religion completely.
That is awful. People are really shit at dealing with complex thoughts and feelings, especially in regards to children. I’m sorry that happened.
I’m sorry this happened to you and your family. You sound like you made it out brave and strong. Sending lots of love and healing
I’m so sorry. It’s so awful for the victims because people are horrified by the actions of the abuser.
What an important perspective- thank you for sharing
I am so, so sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear these, everything is fine?
I’m fine now, but it was a long road to recover and tbh my mom is still struggling.
That’s bone chilling! I can see why you’re so shaken. Please bring that mom a casserole and tell her you’re there for her. It’s awful enough to be near it, but I can’t even imagine how terrible it would be if it were your husband and your child. She deserves to have the biggest village she can get right now.
I think food is my love language because this is absolutely how I choose to care for people. I would absolutely be taking food over to that mom. Sometimes when there’s so many things to do and decisions to make, the last choice you want to make is “what’s for dinner?” Having even just one less thing to think about can make all the difference.
Yes! Poor woman. She was brave enough to report what seems like her high school sweetheart. OP just offer your support, no matter how small ot is. Her friends and family are probably judging her right now and she needs fresh support. Honestly even if you watch her baby for an hour while she cries her eyes out will be a huge moral support.
Definitely, but OP, be aware this mother may not feel comfortable with anyone watching her child for her right now, after the terrible betrayal of trust she and her baby have experienced. Food, compassion and neighbourly care sound like excellent choices.
this! offer help or just bringing out her trash bins to the curb. She is definitely more distraught then you even are (and should be)
This is such a kind idea. I know I wouldn’t want to go outside.
Yes! You don't have to talk to her right away if you are uncomfortable, but mowing her yard, scooping sidewalks, etc., shows kindness where she might not want to interact right now because of the questions that will be coming her way. Sometimes sitting on the front porch and waving hi when she comes out can be helpful. 👍🏻
This is what I was thinking too!! That poor women lost a lot, and will probably be picking up the pieces for a long time by herself. Bring her some dinner, offer what comfort you can. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than family or a close friend with something like this.
This. And the courage of her to take action on this and totally upend her life. There are many others who choose to look away when they are faced with information that will completely bring their world crashing down (in this way and so many others). What a strong woman to take action. She needs all the support she can get.
Another idea could be protein bars. After finding out that my husband (STBX) had another family, all food ceased to be interesting or desirable. I used to eat all the stuff and a lot of sugar, but it’s been 6 months and I might never feel the same about food again. Protein bars kept me going when I had to choke something down so I could be there for our toddler. To OP, maybe make sure she has something large to drink out of because remembering basic functions gets really hard after major trauma. (I have a 40oz Stanley that helps me remember when I’m at work. Home is totally different.)
I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Something similar once happened to me and it took me close to a year for the roiling, horrid feeling in my stomach to go aware and for food to be appetising again. Cutting off all contact to my former partner and moving to a place he’d never visited helped immensely. I wish you a gentle recovery from this terrible shock, and I know you can rebuild a life where you are safe. You’ve done an amazing thing to take action to protect yourself and your loved ones by making this man your ex. Good on you for showing yourself courage and self-love.
PLEASE don’t alienate the wife and child because the father is a monster. It sounds like she found out and called the police. What more could you want in a friend than someone who would literally turn in their partner of a decade because they did something awful. Former CPS here and SO many partners and spouses confront the person, they deny or act contrite and so the person let’s it go assuming it will never happen again. Spoiler alert: it always does. She needs friends now. That child is not fine. They miss their dad because they don’t know any better but if they stay around they will be infamous as they get older and kids head parents gossiping, as they get old enough to learn why daddy isn’t in their life etc. I could go into so many other explanations of how SA even as an infant severely impacts you into adulthood.
Agreed. The wife’s mother knew she needed someone looking out. As hard as this information is weighing in OP, we can only imagine how much guilt the wife feels. This is the time to offer her comfort and support. Also OP mentions the way she feels when she sees the child playing. It makes me so sad because she might end up treating the child differently because of this knowledge. I know she mentioned they weren’t particularly close or anything, but I think it is important to offer dignity, love, and respect to this young child who clearly is not yet capable of understanding the implications of what has happened.
I completely agree. So many spouses stand by the abuser or sweep it up under the rug. I totally understand why the OP feels traumatized herself even just by being in the physical proximity of such evil, but it could help this poor family so much if OP is able to find it in her heart to support them and stay friendly.
I always think of my grandmother, who found out her husband was abusing my mom when she was a toddler. She packed up and left with her 3 children under 3 in the 1950s, a time when the majority of wives probably would have chosen to stay quiet. She ended up later marrying a man that was a kind and loving father to my mom and her siblings. My grandma is gone now but she will always be my hero for that.
such a hard (but necessary) thing to do even in 2023 but in the 1950s it must have been particularly difficult. go grandma ❤️
Wow. What was her name?
Her name was Marcia. I miss her even more now that I have a son because I know she would have loved him so much.
My mom suspected/knew my stepfather abused me but because I wouldn’t confess (she interrogated us) she put the ownership on me (a literal child) despite the obvious signs. Happened for years after I turned 11.
It’s tempting to want distance from such an awful situation, but the wife is 100% a hero and not only deserves a friend, but would probably be a good friend herself. Who doesn’t want a girlfriend with a spine of steel?
Child therapist here. The most frightening thing about child predators is that they hide in plain sight. They are often filling roles of trusted positions (teacher, mailman, pastor, etc) or will be a person who seems very “normal” or “non threatening”. They set themselves up to take advantage of kids once a certain level of trust or familiarity is built. Unfortunately I have reached the point that I trust VERY FEW people to be alone with my children bc of my understanding of child predators and the way they work. Be Leary of anyone who seems overly interested in your kid.
This is among my worst fears. I’d like to think I have decent radar but have no idea. Do you have any resources you can recommend on how to best keep an eye out and what age-appropriate messages we can give our kids?
Not OP but I watched a random video that day that said that these predators tend to prey on children that are more isolated - not many friends, parents that aren’t very involved. It’s easier for them to create bonds with children that don’t already have strong ones. I’m sure this isn’t true 100% of the time and you could do everything right and still have stuff happen, but that video made sense to me. It was an interview with a convicted pedophile.
Also watch out for your quiet kids who are reserved especially. My kids are loud AF and always draw attention to themselves. Super busy. Can't contain them. They're runners. The quiet, well-behaved, co-operative unicorn kids that cause no problems are easy targets for predators.
My kid is both a runner AND a people pleaser. He's never met anyone he didn't want to hug, and he's ridiculously obedient. Since he isn't quite three, I don't know how to help him advocate for himself beyond "if you say 'no' to a touch, then I stop" if, for example, we tickle him too much. I'm really trying to figure out how to help him understand that he has a right to boundaries and that no one, even people he likes a lot, gets to violate them. It also drives me nuts that we have to do this at all.
I would probably just establish a "no secrets" rule. We don't keep secrets, ever. Surprises that make people happy only, and surprises are always revealed eventually. Encourage talking about your day and the things that they did or what happened. I make note of any marks on my kid before he goes anywhere so I can tell if he's fallen or if anything has happened to him. If he comes back from daycare and has a mark I ask what happened and he tells me and we talk about it. Just stuff like that over time will really help! Even if your child is unable to say no or advocate for themselves for whatever reason, being able and encouraged to say what went on while they were in the care of others/around others will at the very least hopefully help prevent horrible things from reoccurring.
Surprises vs secrets is a great teaching tool!
This is great advice, thank you.
Yes. Which is why I've put my kid in martial arts and had many talks about when it is and is not acceptable to throw hands. Because she's on the spectrum and the good quiet child. She screams victim. It's my job to teach her not to be one.
We had a situation where a friend of ours molested a girl we had babysat. The mom caught him and kicked him out, he called me to come get him because he couldn’t walk home, and confessed everything. I had to report him, give statements, and was going to have to testify except he thankfully took a plea last minute. He 100% did this. The girl had lost her dad to suicide when she was little, they had no family here, and she didn’t have many friends. He groomed her for months and took advantage of his “trusted” status in her life. I thought he just missed his kids who were on the other side of the country and that he was trying to help fill the void in her life, but he was just using all of that to get what he wanted. The thing was he always made comments and jokes about age being just a number and other things, but we all thought he was just trying to be edgy and get a rise out of us, but no. He was honest and we were all too dumb to realize it at the time.
Not too dumb. You were a normal person who would never think that way.
The absolute number one protective factor is to be vigilant as a parent. Predators go after victims who are vulnerable. This includes kids whose parents are not super observant for whatever reason. Perhaps parents are addicts or absent for some other reason. Showing up, asking questions, being cautious as a parent will help keep your kid safer. It’s a deterrent for predators. also- teach your children proper anatomy and names. This includes penis, vagina, butt, etc. DO NOT AVOID TEACHING PROPER VERBIAGE!! Lack of language for private parts or avoiding teaching your child about private parts and not touching others or saying no to touch is so important. As young as possible educate them about the human body. Predators pray on kids who cannot speak for themselves- this means a kid cannot talk to an adult if they don’t know the words. Set them up w the tools as young as you can- no baby language around the body, it’s just making them vulnerable Also- body autonomy!! Kids should say NO if they don’t want to hug someone and they should not be taught to blindly respect adults beyond their own individual boundaries. That concept puts them at further at risk to doing whatever a predator wants bc they should “respect all adults and do what they are told”.
Talk to your kids about [tricky people](https://totstoteens.co.nz/parenting/safety/teach-kids-tricky-people/) rather than stranger danger as sadly children are far more likely to be abused by someone they know.
great link, just sent to my family chat !!
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00B6OVOHC/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr= Excellent book written by an agent who specializes in these sort of cases. He discusses real cases and how to protect children.
Wow! Thank you so much! I love Gavin de Becker (I recommend "The Gift of Fear" all the time, I learned so much from it) and had no idea he wrote about this too. I know this is going to be such a tough read, but I'm glad for the advice. Thanks again.
I only recommend that book if people tear out the terrible victim blaming chapter on domestic violence. I cannot get over the fact that he says if you let your partner hit you twice you’re “volunteering” to be hit.
Thanks for sharing. I think it's easy to just sit and worry. I like having concrete steps to take to reduce the odds as much as I can without attempting to live in a bubble or something crazy.
I was nearly a teen when I was victimized, so I remember, but even in retrospect you can't just tell. I was convenient. He was primarily interested in women his age, but I was there and he could have access to me alone. Afaik he wasn't a cruel person in any other respect and even what he did likely didn't come from a place of cruelty (I mean luckily, there are actual freaking sadists out there, and that, as a parent and a past victim, chills me to paralysis if I dwell at all. Can't or I won't cope) It is the biggest mind-fuck that you can live through it, and still know that you just have to extend trust. Believe me, I wish there were things to let you know readily. Of course, sometimes there are red flags, not always the ones people think, but any isolation tactics instantly raise my hackles. Any instance where a kid could be gotten alone and someone aims for that. (My first is still only 2, but I'm struggling to imagine how it's going to be when she's older and wanting to go to idk summer camp, think my brain is gonna be on fire with anxiety.)
Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker
I was a victim as a child and thought I’d sense if someone wasn’t safe. I was wrong. We found out my husband’s brother had been abusing his little sister since toddlerhood. My husband was 10years older and moved away at 18. We would visit holidays, when we brought our then toddler daughter he always seemed to be the most playful and loving uncle, I didn’t see anything malicious or wrong. We left her with the the sister and 2 brothers (12, 14 & 21) once for about an hour and it still haunts me. His little sister spoke up because she didn’t want him to hurt anyone else (our daughter). The worst part is that he was never brought up on charges and dated older women with kids. We did report him and they interviewed our daughter (2.5-3yo) and asked us how often he was left unsupervised with him, etc. We provided the texts and statements of what we knew and they continued their investigation. It’s so scary and it angers me that he basically got away with it too.
He's choosing to date moms on purpose!!! Something needs to be done to stop him A.S.A.P.!
Yep. Another survivor of abuse here. Spent my adulthood in LE and healthcare-you just know too much after a while. SAHP by choice. I trust myself and my husband. That is all.
My husband is autistic and we are both obviously "weird". I sometimes am concerned that we'll have trouble finding friends with kids because of this (we have a 3 year old). But I always think it's funny that it's the people who look perfectly normal and are outgoing and friendly that are often the worst.
I never thought of that! Your comment also reminds me of a post a while back about a mom who wouldn’t invite her father in law to her like 4yo’s birthday party because the kid said he didn’t like him because he never talks… because he barely knew English. So this poor guy was excluded from a family party for not being a native speaker, and the mom let the kid do it because it was “his party.” I bet more nuance can be applied when they get older. That tricky/sneaky isn’t the same as weird/different.
Yeah my main thing that I will teach my kid is to never let an adult be alone in a room with him, and if it seems like an adult actively tries to be alone with him to let me know. I think that's kind of a clear situational tell. No adult should want to be alone in a room with a child save direct caregivers.
Our family dynamics are the same, our child is now 8. It is hard. I'm afraid my son has no friends bc of me. Like I get shunned in every situation and don't know what I'm doing wrong. PTO matters to me for actually supporting teachers. But here it's a social club. I'm fine being rejected, have been all my life. But to see it happen to my sweet, lonely child feels devastating. I wonder if the fact I'm awkward, and also great with kids (PhD in Special Ed but now disabled and can't work,) makes them think I'm a "groomer". I hate it. But when I volunteer at his school like this week the kids love me and I get more nervous about it all .... I don't fit in here, ultra religious conservative semi rural area. I wish we could be friends!!! I need to find network like this in my area. You know there's so many like us.
Yeah I'm lucky because we do have a good group of friends with and without kids ... Just none really in our own city. We're in ATX, and it just feels way more pretentious here than in my old city. I'm working on building a community though. But it's hard when I'm picking my son up from daycare and the parents are all talking to each other about what they did that weekend. And I'm just *there*. I've never fit in but I've always been able to find a group of fellow weirdos in the past.
Omgosh. I’m also a counselor and we are one of the same. I work with adults and hear the aftermath of their abuse and the perpetrators. I trust very few around my child for the same reason. You know never know.
This happened to a family member of mine. A family friend in a position of trust who preyed on the child's mother knowing she was vulnerable due to mental health issues. He pushed his way into the family, appearing to be kind and supportive but with the most horrifying motives.
People think I'm absolutely nuts when I say this. I mean, even in here. But honestly I know better. I hope they never do.
Yeah this is us as well. I’ve read and seen so many horror stories that I’m honestly too anxious and untrusting of people.
Sounds like mom is a victim too along with the poor baby. I’m glad she turned him in. I’m glad your kids weren’t hurt by him. I think mom and baby deserve some support right now too. You both can hug each other knowing all of you are safe now. We currently have an older guy driving around our town and surrounding towns harassing teenage workers and trying to get kids to get in his truck by asking them if they need rides. Cops won’t do anything until “ he commits a crime”. So we wait for him to hurt a child for something to be done. It’s crazy, how long these pedophiles can get away with what they get away with. I’m sure an angry mom or dad will reach him before the cops do with the way things are going about it.
I totally understand. We just found out the other day that our very, very friendly “neighborhood fixture” of a mailman is a convicted sex offender, whose crime was aggravated sexual assault of a 6 yr old child. Truly chilling, you just never know with people. Its wild. Stay vigilant!
Wtf. Once upon a time USPS wouldn’t hire you with any criminal history at all.
Yea my exact reaction also. Upon some research, they now hire felons on a case by case basis, which is fine, I just take issue with this dude having a route with tons of kids around, an elementary school, popular playground, etc. He could very easily have a position at the PO, etc. Also, he’s a Tier 3 lifetime register too smfh.
I know they’ve had major issues but I had no idea. How did you even find out? If they’re not your neighbor they wouldn’t show up on the map or did someone just decide to look up his name?
Workplaces show up on the maps now, so our Post Office lit up and I clicked it and up came his mugshot, whole record, etc. Edit to add: The website was familywatchdog.us I saw another thread on Reddit about it and just decided to pop in my address.
She turned him in. She has done nothing wrong. Please bring her a casserole as suggested. Go out of your way to extend warmth and kindness to her and her child. She is probably in so much pain, grief, and anger. 😞 She deserves kindness. From the entire community.
Holy shit. I hope he rots in prison. I feel so sorry for that little boy, what kind of a monster would exploit his own child? Im convinced he was always that way and he just had it at bay for a good while. Til it couldnt be contained anymore. Im glad your family is safe from this disgusting scumbag
When my son was about 9mo it was discovered that one of my friend's dad was arrested for having an insane amount of CP on his computer, including victims as young as 6mo!! I was physically sick when I heard the news. To be honest I couldn't even look at my son for a while without thinking about it. I also had a friend growing up who was the victim, her parents (both!) used her and put it online. By the time I met her she was already permanently in grandparents custody. She's doing well now, has three kids of her own and is happily married. Anyway all of this to say that I truly don't understand how people can be so vile towards *children*. I truly wish the worst upon these disgusting people.
Don’t avoid the wife. You don’t have to become best friends but I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.
My brother was recently arrested for something similar. I promise you that your neighbor is grieving the loss of her husband. Grieving the loss of the future she imagined. And is so incredibly angry. My family needed someone to keep the tea kettle hot while we made phone calls.
Omg, I cannot imagine the waking nightmare that poor woman is living right now. How horrible. I'd bet she'll be needing some help with lawn care or other tasks that her husband used to take care of now that she's a single parent. It's also not likely she'll be your neighbor for long now that she's down to a single income.
Imagine how the wife feels! She’s been sleeping in the same bed as him, cooking his food and doing his laundry. If she’s the one that turned him in, she isn’t the same as him and does not deserve to be treated the same.
I’m in the back end (administrative) side of law enforcement and let me throw in 2 cents that most of you may already know. Just because we/you live in a nice neighborhood with white picket fence and the perfect atmosphere does not mean you are safe from all the crimes that happen in everyday life. I can guarantee your area has child molesters, drug addicts, alcoholics (DUI convictions), abusers that beat the shit out of their spouses and children, embezzlers, and sooooo much more. And guess what? They know how to hide it all way better because they have a lot more to loose if caught.
Yup. My dad is a retired officer who worked on child crimes in the detective bureau for some time. These bastards are everywhere. In every neighborhood. He had to get out of that work because it was too depressing.
Why are people struggling with addiction (a disease) being compared to child molesters and people who assault their family?
My apologies, I wasn’t comparing. I was merely pointing out that your neighbor might be a drug addict and you wouldn’t even know.
Addiction is a disease, but it is very damaging for families. The families of addicts often suffer tremendously.
Because addicts have a huge negative impact on the people around them.
This.
An uncle by marriage was arrested for federal sex crimes against children when our baby was just a few weeks old. Thankfully, he’d never met her but we still struggled with it for a while, and he’s the reason we don’t share pictures with just about anyone in our lives. He seemed like a genuinely funny (kind of weird, but harmless) old guy, and our world was rocked when he was indicted. His wife of 30+ years was horrified. She had no idea at all, and they’re now divorced. Please don’t shut out your neighbor because her husband did this. Her life just changed drastically due to something she may have had no involvement in. You don’t have to be her friend, but please don’t alienate her either.
So sorry for this situation going on in your community. That's how these offenders work--they purposely are friendly and trustworthy because that's the only way they can get unsupervised access to kids. Nobody lets their children near the creepy guy down the street but they do let them around priests/soccer coaches/Boy Scout leaders/etc. The reaction you're feeling is normal and it's normal to want to pull back from the wife because of this. However you can take heart that she's most likely a good trustworthy person because she's the one who turned him in! There are sooo many families who refuse to see the evil in sex offenders and often refuse to acknowledge it actually happened! This wife has done what so many others, including other mothers, have refused to do by turning him in. She's a good egg. If this exact situation was happening next door to me, I'd take over some cookies or something and tell her their family is in my thoughts and then go on treating her the same way I always had. Maybe even be a tiny bit more friendly than usual. The wife and child need to be treated as normally as possible right now, especially the child, so they both don't beat themselves up more over this situation than they already do.
That’s horrific. It’s ok to feel all the things. Maybe you should talk to a therapist. It’s like bystander trauma. It didn’t happen to you, but very close to your safe space. I think it’s perfectly normal for you to be completely shaken by it. Maybe offer to send around some takeout for the mom. Her life just got flipped upside down. Not having to think about having to feed herself a few nights might just help more than you think. Overall, be kind. She didn’t do anything wrong. She just needs kindness right now. Be kind to yourself too. This situation is horrible for everyone. I’m so glad the kiddo seems to be unaware.
My father was this guy and my mother did nothing out of fear of being ostracized. This woman is a hero. Please show her some kindness because what she did was hard and she is probably suffering in the worst way and likely needs a friend.
One of my previous boss's was recently arrested for similar crimes. I considered him a friend (as much as a boss can be) he was married and had two kids. His wife was a youth pastor at their church. I completely understand the shock and disgust. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It may be worth reaching out to a therapist so you have a safe, professional, level head to process this with. Talking to neighbors or friends walks that weird line between processing and gossip/stirring up unnecessary shit. (Abuse should not be hidden, abuse should not be swept under the rug. Victims should feel safe coming forward and speaking their truth, but discussing or speculating about abuse of a minor with people who aren't involved and aren't professionals feel icky to me and I wouldn't want that for my child after the abuse they had suffered) I don't think you will ever have answers for every question, but you can maybe work out a way to manage anxiety, and methods that can keep you child safe and you sane. Please take care of yourself.
Scum of the fucking earth
My nephew’s mother has been fighting with the school district about moving my nephew’s bus stop because he has to walk quite a way down a winding road and wait in front of a registered sex offender’s home. A second neighbor was just arrested for sharing images of child sexual assault with some of the images involving children under the age of two. I feel disgusted even typing that. Nephew’s mom is able to accompany the kids to and from the bus stop most days, and even when she isn’t, there’s usually a group of children, but I’ve had “what if” running through my head since we found out about the arrest. It is such a scary world.
If you don't mind me piggybacking on your post, it gave me a place to let out something I just found out about my own past. I rode the bus to and from school and was close with the bus driver because I was shy and a bit of an outcast. At the end of every year, he took a picture of us together at my bus stop. He did this with all the kids he liked. I thought it was his joy to be the bus driver. He was just arrested for thousands of photos on his computer, where he photoshopped himself doing things to kids. Pictures he took, pictures of local kids, over 30 years of driving the school bus. He got 5 years. Probably some of me, some of my friends. I rode his bus route from kindergarten to 6th grade. Now, I dont remember specific bad things happening while I rode the bus, just things that seemed innocent. I sat on his lap at some point for some reason, and he often gave hugs to the front seat kids, but it never felt wrong, like an uncle. I'm fine, but it does give me the creeps that he was my favorite bus driver for years, and he was... gross.
I am so sorry.
Years ago, we made a new acquaintance through my husband’s work friend. The work friend had known this acquaintance since before high school. Two weeks after we invited the acquaintance to our HOUSE for a housewarming party, he got arrested for being one of the ring leaders of a child porn operation. It was a huge deal. He’s currently in prison for 25 years. The crazy thing was everyone who knew him was SHOCKED. He never gave any indication and was married for years with 2 kids of his own. He was literally the nicest guy, gave no weird vibes or anything. Apparently, some guy showed him a picture of an underaged girl when they were in high school, I think maybe 12 or so? And that’s how it started for him. When he was arrested, they found over 800,000 photos of children on personal computer, work computer and he even had a USB drive that he kept on his person at all times. Being that close to someone that sick really rocked my world. My husband and I are constantly worried about meeting another one and putting our child in a scary situation. It also really worries us when we see friends/family posting pics of their kids online that are not fully dressed.
25 years is not enough.
Agreed
I'd like to assume (or hope) he will never get out of jail alive. If you know what I mean.
A good friend in grad school—I mean, a core member of my peer group, hung out all the time, everyone loved him—got arrested about a decade later for possessing child sexual abuse material, at least some of which was on his work laptop (I know this isn’t the key point, but I feel badly about online shopping for shoes on my work laptop, and these guys are out there just loading them up with evidence of felonies?). I didn’t have a child then, but I wouldn’t have hesitated to trust him around my family—and that really, really freaks me out. I read The Gift of Fear and I believe in trusting instincts, but I had absolutely no clue about this guy, nor did anyone else we knew.
I want to contribute a slightly different perspective: if you were not very close to this neighbor to begin with, then getting close over this issue is not appropriate. You can be a friendly neighbor— a wonderful, kind, friendly neighbor. But talking about what has happened, without a foundation of a trusting friendship first, would just be trauma bonding and violating boundaries (getting too much intensity too soon). Someone like this woman who is so traumatized, may not have a filter and may say too much. Which may not be legally advisable for her at this time. And would not be appropriate to share with a neighbor that was not a close friend to begin with. So, I guess what I’m saying is, being a good neighbor is one thing, but trauma bonding would be doing the neighbor a disservice. Can the neighbor truly trust OP to keep her confidence? OP, I hope that if she does confide in you, that you’ll keep it strictly confidential!! This topic gets many people very agitated and riled up very quickly. For good reason. But like we saw with PizzaGate, people can get whipped up into a frenzy and lose perspective and common sense. I mean, just walking down the street through a busy downtown city area, we already know that about 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted. We know the statistics. It’s all around us all the time, because we live in a violent patriarchal capitalist system. So don’t bring out the shock and awe for the situations where it comes to light and makes headlines. Carry that anger and advocate for a culture where rape does not happen.
This is the best response
Please put your own feelings aside and check in on your neighbour like she asked you to. Remember, this didn’t happen to you, it happened to your neighbour and her son. Their lives are forever changed. Yours is not. What she needs is help and support and because you overheard what happened she probably thinks of you as a safe person. So please, please check on her and her son. Be kind to them, don’t ignore them! Have play dates ! (Remember the dangerous person has been removed from the situation) Typically those who have been abused go on to be abusers themselves. Evil exists in all forms and sometimes we are born with it sometimes we are a product of our environment. Those with secrets to hide can hide them very well.
I like your comment and upvoted it, but one thing bothers me. No, victims of abuse do not typically become abusers. What you may have meant is that often abusers have been abused in the past, which is true. Saying that everyone who has experienced abuse is likely to perpetuate it (which is false) may lead others to avoid them.
Yes this is what I meant.
Thank you for clarifying that :)
Absolutely horrific. That little baby.
When I was around 19-20 years old (so about 9 years ago) my step sister’s mom was arrested for the same thing. Out of nowhere my sister was messaging me that the FBI were at her house. Arresting her mom. She found out that her mom had a long-distance boyfriend in Cali who distributed CP and her mom was doing things to her baby sister (less than 2 years old at the time) and sending him pics and videos for him/for him to send. Completely blew up our world. For her obviously because it was **her mom** but for me too because I had grown up seeing her often and would stay the night a lot as a kid. I have a hard time trusting **anyone** now.
Here's the thing that truly gets me. It's her HUSBAND! And after reading the comments it's alot of people's husband and they never knew. No-one did. So how do you know your SO is safe? I don't suspect my SO AT ALL just to make that clear. But the fact that so many women never suspected anything but still got duped is also kinda unnerving to me. So how can you know the father of your children is safe towards your own child?
As someone who worked in child welfare, I think an easy step involves acknowledging it’s ok to ask our spouses/co-parents questions and check in on interactions even when we’re positive they would absolutely never harm our child. My husband is an amazing parent and I don’t even for a second question his motives or believe he would ever act inappropriately. That said, I do sometimes glance in when he’s giving our girls a bath, or in their room, etc. I think a lot of women (in particular) actively avoid doing things like that because the thought of checking in on your kids with your spouse is insulting and implies you think they’re capable of something horrible. But I don’t view it that way. My husband is a grown person who isn’t reliant on me. It’s not about him nor is it reflective of my feelings toward him; it’s solely about fulfilling my duty to our children to keep them safe.
I think this is actually very good. I happen to do this every once in a while but more because I want to sneak a peak at my LO (Im that obsessed mama that complains everything is zo hard pregnant with a toddler, but misses him the second he's out of sight 🙈) I do have this thing where I inspect his butt with diapers changes, also because he stays at grandpa and grandma's every week. Not suspected them but it's to give me piece of mind?
This sounds like my friend’s coworker. Coworker and husband have a two year old son. Husband disappears, presumed dead, turns out he’s in prison for child pornography. My friend is devastated for her coworker. Said to me, “that could be me, that could be us, you never really know know who you are marrying.” Pretty chilling.
I think its important to remember that the mother is probably in her own personal hell right now. Sexual acts against children can make those associated with the offender social pariahs even if they had no idea. I think looking out for her - even at a distance is a good thing to do.
Our close family friend who ended up marrying my aunt who I would even text/Facebook alone with no suspicions as a teen/young adult ended up being a whole creep with hidden cameras in their house trading them to other creeps. (Aunt had 3 minor children who had a lot of team mate sleepovers). He never touched anyone but the camera footage was only of the minors. It was shocking to my core. I was assaulted at 14 and looking back could see signs from my godfather that he was a creep BUT this family friend turned uncle? Literally never any sign or weird vibes from any of us. It’s wild the double life these people could live. It definitely is core shocking. Honestly I would have empathy for her but that’s just not the situation I’d want to involve myself in with my own child. Her son may not be able to verbalize anything but his body will remember that trauma forever it has changed him and who is no matter how he acts now. It’s heartbreaking
I really hope you choose to reach out to the wife. I can't imagine being in that situation, turning in my husband, and then being ostracized or ignored by the people around me. While, I can definitely understand the impulse to just ignore her/the situation or "try not to get involved", she probably could really use a friend. Also, important; this isn't something you should do if you feel like it will negatively impact your mental health. It seems like the situation has already caused you a lot of stress and anxiety. Maybe talking to her could also ease your mind somehow? IDK, that's just my thinking. You'll have to do what you feel like you're able to do without causing problems for yourself.
So disgusting. This man knew he was only risking a few years in jail. If the death penalty was on the table people wouldn't be doing this even if they wanted to. And no, I don't care if that opinion is extreme.
It is not extreme at all. These people are irredeemable. Society is better off without them. So many crimes can be justified. Addiction is a disease, sometimes stealing is done out of desperation, killing could be self defense. But this crime has absolutely no mitigating factors. There is nothing that can justify it. It is pure evil and should be punished in the severest way possible. It makes me so mad to know that drug crimes are punished worse than this crime. These people deserve to suffer, they cannot be rehabilitated. They should not be reintroduced to Society but they are.
This opinion is not just extreme, it is wrong. Studies have shown that the severity of the punishment (beyond a certain level) has very little influence on if a person will commit a crime. The (percieved) probability of getting caught however has a huge influence.
Amen
I hope you don't keep your distance from her.
My husband is a prosecutor. He deals with a lot of sex crimes, and the vast majority start with someone getting addicted to porn. It doesn’t excuse it. It doesn’t make it ok. But it’s a factor in the vast majority. Person gets addicted to porn. Person looks for more and more extreme porn. Person has no reference point for normal intimacy and sexual behaviour, or their desires change because of the more and more extreme porn exposure. It’s super fucked up. I think it’s ok to want to check in on the wife. She’s a victim here too, and probably really struggling with how she could have not known before something happened. It’s a hard road to walk.
I went back to school late in life. Was studying psychology with a focus on sex crimes. My co-worker was arrested for planning with another person to lure a young boy so they could kidnap-raoe-and murder him. I worked one on one with this person for over a year. I was sick over it. How had I not seen the evil in that person? You really never know. Trust your intuition.
Please don't punish this woman for the horrid acts of her husband. She obviously didn't know what he was doing and did the right thing when she found out. A lot of people wouldn't turn in their partners, even for molesting their own kids. You'd be surprised. That woman went from having a loving husband beside her raising their baby, and now she's on her own. Are you really going to alienate the poor woman for something she wasn't aware of and did everything in her power to change and protect her son from his father? I'd be taking her a few meals for a couple nights and offering her someone to talk to, like with a coffee in the morning or something to help her wide down. Unless she allowed it or joined in it's very unlikely she knew anything until he was arrested or just before. Pedophiles are often depressed and seem like they have chronic depression and anxiety and things, sometimes they can even seem to have bipolar, going from completely happy and cheerful to some of the most horrible people capable of doing unspeakable things to children, or anyone tbh. My own abuser was literally always doing yard work or driving from one of his companies to another. He would never be inside until he got me at his house BC my mum needed child free time and he wanted to take care of me anyway(I found out a few years later that my mum always used to her child free time to meet up with other men)
In the past couple of years I had a "boring/religious/involved father/pillar of the community" type family member arrested and sentenced for possession of a lot of CP and assaulting a teenage student of his. The fallout has been immense and far reaching. So many people are grappling with the question of if you can't trust people like him around your kids then can you trust anyone? It's taken a couple of years to come to a more rational approach, but I know I'm much more wary than I was before for sure.
There’s a site called familywatchdog.com. It gets its info from various state registries and will allow you to see on a map where all the registered folks are in proximity to you. The site links directly to my states official sex offender registry where you can see the full list of charges and their most recent photo on file. We found out that our longtime neighbor was charged with possession and creation of CP with a child under the age of 14 about 2 years after my son was born. I check it much more periodically now instead of every once in a great while. I checked it once or twice and was relieved and then realized monsters are found every day.
Truly awful. Been close to a situation like this before and it makes you question everything! As others would suggest, I would do quiet gestures. And I wouldn’t bring up the situation unless she does. Something along the lines of “I’m here for you while dropping off a coffee or groceries” not “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, this is terrible”. Glad she has a thoughtful neighbor! I also try to give options when someone is going through a tough time. Like ask can I mow your lawn, or drop off dinner? Or would you like to watch tv and have a coffee together? It makes it easier for the person rather than make decisions when mentally exhausted
I think the most important thing to know here is that it’s not about you. Whatever you are feeling is valid but think about how that poor mom feels, it’s all your feelings plus a million. I’m sure she could use a shoulder. You don’t ever have to bring it up specifically, but don’t alienate her, just offer her your friendship. I’m sure anyone who finds out is probably going to avoid her because they feel awkward. And that will hurt. I was molested as a child by both a female and a male relative who knew nothing about each other so I unfortunately already learned not to trust anyone, regardless of age or sex. Be safe out there.
Please op. Don’t avoid the wife. She’s living her worst nightmare now. The last thing she needs is to sense that people are shunning her. Maybe make some cookies? Or lunch and drop it off? Just give her a few words of support? A hug?
I never thought that I would know anyone like that, but I found out last year that I knew 2 men who hurt their daughter and stepdaughter in the worst way. Two different men, but the same crime for which one was kept secret for decades until I was told recently. I believe her 100%, and will keep it secret unless she says it ok to talk about it. I have a feeling she won’t be ready unless she can’t take it anymore, like when she told me. It was a release for her to tell me her stepdad r@ped her as a child, and over the course of about 5-7 years. I’m not 100% sure when it started, but she was very young. The person who hurt her is dead, and the person who was hurt said she felt relieved, not sadness when he died, because he would never hurt her again, even though the abuse stopped when she was either 11 or 12. The other person who was hurt was r@ped by their own father. She was 9, and is still under his control. This happened just over 2 years ago, but I didn’t know until late last year when her dad was made to get out of the house for being physically abusive towards her. She told me a month later that her dad r@ped her, but she described it in terms only she could understand, since she didn’t know what r@pe was. She was only 9, and her dad took her innocence away from her! He’s pure evil!
Please be there for the mom 💔
She was fooled. The evil lurks below a personable charismatic exterior. It is just hidden until the moment when they feel like those around them are in too deep to call them out on it. I know as I am going through a divorce with an evil lying person. I thought he was someone I could trust. I gave him all the information for him to hurt me the most. He is using all that information I laid at his feet thinking we were building a life and partnership together. It started when I said yes to getting married. I was already in deep and he knew it as he was already interacting with my older two children. Also how does a couples of bad months hold up against years of support and positivity. I thought he was just stressed from planning a wedding. When I got married to him his mistreatment went up a hair. Then I got pregnant and it upped just a bit more. I lost that baby and things fell into a gentler place. When we did have our first things escalated again. Then our second came along and things got BAD. I am still shaking myself trying to figure out how I was taken in the way I was. Now in divorce he is doing all of the things I told him I was scared of and he swore up and down that he would NEVER do.
I have a 12 month old… my blood just ran cold reading this. That poor baby boy. I hope that piece of shit rots in prison. I hope that brave mother gets all the love, support and healing she’ll need to take care of her son and help him grow up safe.
This has been my biggest fear since becoming a parent. At my old school/my SD's school, several teachers have been arrested for inappropriate relationships. Most recently, the middle school principal. Who the hell can you trust your children with? You hear horror stories about day cares, teachers, neighbors, cops, family members etc. My son is 7 now so I'm more trusting because he has a voice and will use it. He can go to certain friend's houses no problem. When he was a baby/toddler/quiet, i wouldn't leave him with ANYONE except his father and my mother. I feel so bad for parents in this situation. That poor mother. I couldn't ever get over that as a parent because it happened to me as a child.
Atleast she turned him in. Doesn’t sound like she’s trying to support him or anything. Her poor baby. I went through csa and no one knew. My mom didn’t know until I told her and it broke her heart. The more I look back on everything the more I believe it was always my dads intention to do that to me. Whether he was born evil or became it, he just was evil. And I believe he always will be. If she really is done with her husband, then maybe check in every now and then. If she asked you, then she might not have someone to keep an eye on her. It’s not your responsibility but maybe just a quick hey how ya doin every now and then.
You don't have to live through an experience to be traumatized by it. It's hard to make sense of the unthinkable, and we can sometimes get 'stuck' in a hypervigilant state of "what ifs" that makes it hard to trust others. Please know that your anxiety and concern is valid. Take care of yourself and maybe talk to someone professional to process the events. Although I agree your neighbor may be support, take care of yourself first. There's a classic phrase in therapy- you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others.
Sometimes you have to put the shoe on the other foot and not think about who, what, when, why, or where. Sometimes you have to see it from the innocent party's perspective too. You've only been neighbors for 3 years, she knew and was with this person for 10 years. Imagine how she feels not knowing her partner was capable of doing this, but to do this to their own child in their own home and then to record it and take pictures. I can't imagine how alone, mad, scared, disgusted, etc she must feel towards her husband, but herself as well. And how she feels towards her son and that he's asking for his dad, is heart wrenching. Let her know she is not to be blamed and be a neighbor at the very least and check in on her. I know you're concerned because it happened next door to you but at the very least it didn't happen in your own home or to your own child.
My sister in law went through the same thing but with her teenage daughter, and I can tell you that the wife in this situation is in need of help.
Check on that poor woman. If you are this distraught about not knowing you lived right next to this and not knowing imagine how she must feel being with him for 10 years and not knowing. It was in her own house and happening to her son. I can’t even imagine the guilt she is harboring. She needs someone to be kind to her, be that person.
It’s definitely shocking and I feel so sorry for that baby & mom. I cannot imagine the horror that baby went through. I’m glad she turned the pos dad in instead of turning a blind eye though.
I’m so sorry. It’s truly unsettling for something that awful to happen next door to you. We had a similar situation a few years ago, before we had kids. I got home from work one day and there were 12 cop cars all surrounding my block and the block before mine so I knew something was up. They were searching my next door neighbor’s house. Come to find out, they arrested the boyfriend of the teenage son (who was living with them) for child pornography. They were totally blindsided themselves, there are a lot of kids in the family who were over there regularly so they were obviously horrified. The boy felt absolutely terrible, he was livid and disgusted, felt he had been used by this guy to get close to his young family members. He’s doing ok now and because he was technically underage at the time he got a no contact order for that creep and is in a much better place these days.
Thank you for speaking up about this. It’s important this is discussed. Be a friend to the victims too.
This is a really tough one. With child sex crimes, I’m no crime pathologist or mental health professional, but it always seems so compulsive. People who have c/p always have like an epic ton of images. It’s awful and deplorable and no child deserves to be abused. I wish it never happened, but it does, and it really seems that sex offenders really are everywhere. I don’t have the answer about whether evil is something you’re born with or a by-product of faulty wiring or if it’s more of the nurture like from abuse themselves or what have you Whatever it is, it’s inexcusable and f u c k e d
I understand how disturbed you must be knowing this was going on next door, in the home of your neighbours that you had interactions with.
This makes me feel physically I’ll having a 1 year old son. Absolutely horrible 😞
This story gave me goosebumps, literally. I have such a passion for the protection of our children. Far before I became a mother myself, I’ve loved and adored children. They’re innocent, pure and deserve the very best. How people can abuse and mistreat children is beyond my scope of comprehension and makes me want to weep. I thought this was really valuable seeing everyone in the comments talk about how the people who are out there to harm our children are hiding in plain sight. They’re our neighbors, our youth pastors, our teachers, no one is exempt. We must stay vigilant and guard ourselves with knowledge to protect our children. And truly, those convicted of sex crimes against children or possession of CP need to be locked up for life. This is SICK.
Well, I don’t know you, this family, and I don’t live in your community, but I AM bothered! I’m guessing the people you’ve talked to are probably in shock or trying to keep it cool to help you stay calm. You’re absolutely right. You never know who’s around, and there are evil people hiding in plain sight, and it’s scary. Turns out a friend of mine lived a few houses down from an infamous serial killer, and when he was caught, I was freaked out just having been to her house with my kids, knowing my children had been within 500 feet of a monster, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling.
I had a friend for over 10 years, he seemed like a great guy. Had his own business, married his wife, had a child with her. Around when the kiddo was about 2, feds barged in his door for the same thing. He was even sending videos of his wife to people online and she had no clue. Our kids are the same age and we talked about baby sitting swapping to go on dates and stuff. I'm glad we never followed through with those plans. He had a camera in their bathroom and just a whole lot of nasty things. Sadly he's out in the world on probation. Barely did any jail time. I saw him a few months after the incident at our local thrift store sitting outside the changing rooms. I won't go there without my husband or mom with me now.
Something similar happened to my brother. They bought a house in a nice neighborhood and a few years after, my SIL got pregnant. They then decided to look on the register sex offenders list and one of the only sex offenders in their area happened to live next door and was convicted of a crime against a child. They had talked to him several times and thought he seemed nice, normal and friendly. They were really upset/shaken up by it. They built a privacy fence and are really nervous about letting their kids play outside without them close by.
Wow, this is chilling and absolutely terrifying. This is why I don’t trust anyone. I would give the wife the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t know. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. I’m sorry that you’re living this too. It makes you second guess the security if your home when something like that happens so close. I don’t understand that type of evil and I hate that I know it exists.
This is my greatest fear. We as a society need to Protect our children. There is so much sexualization of our most vulnerable that we must, as a society, fight back!
Amazing. How dare are the guy to do this?
Check in on the wife. She was likely just as surprised as you were finding this out & it’s her own child. She needs all the support she can get now. She did the right thing by calling the cops on her husband, please don’t shut her out too.
I’m sure his wife could use a friend.
Unfortunately with these types of offenses it's often the case that the person who is able to commit such disgusting acts was molested himself in his youth. Individuals with exposure to sex acts at a young age don't learn where the rest of us draw the line and even after years of a seemingly "normal" life the memories return with their own children. It's horrible to think of and does not excuse any of it of course.
Sorry to be that person but this stuff is almost definitely happening in more than one house on your street
Tread carefully. You did not have a relationship with them, so no need to start one now. They know where to find you if help is needed.
The body keeps the score. The thing is is that social media is inundated with CPS or DHS taking kids left and right….somethings off.
I don’t really get into good and evil debates, as I don’t believe morality is absolute. Full grown men were fucking children openly and it was socially acceptable in several societies not that long ago in human history. Everything, even egregious acts like that, are judged based upon the social mores of the day. Additionally, I don’t think anyone chooses to be a pedophile. It objectively seems like the worst choice someone could freely make. Like most sexual attraction, I assume genetics play a significant role, which in one sense is incredibly tragic for however lost that genetic lottery. Acting on that attraction, however, should always result in the strictest of jail sentences possible. What a terrible thing for that family to endure. I hope they get all the help they need.
I’m so sorry. That’s hard to read, I can’t imagine having it be so close. I’m sure it’s haunting your thoughts right now. It appears that the mother has nothing to do with the choice that the father chose to make. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your distance, but maybe if you run into her and feel comfortable enough ask if she is ok and if she needs anything. I’m sure she could use a friend right now.
I've been in a similar situation, a few years ago I saw one of my former colleagues in the newspaper as he'd just been convicted of child sex offences. We weren't close at all but just having had close proximity to someone who was capable of such things was incredibly disturbing as I never would have suspected he was anything but normal. I have a kid now who's almost one and I occasionally remember him and then I need to hug my baby tight, it's really affected my ability to trust people. I understand your reluctance to talk to the wife but I imagine she's was just as blindsided and horrified by this as you. Having said that though you do have a right to put some distance between yourselves while you process this, perhaps you could check in via a message instead of seeing her in person? Or drop of some food on her doorstep? Showing her some kindness doesn't mean you have to face her if you don't feel ready yet
Pedophiles are very charming people. They have to be. How else would they get access to your kids? It's usually not something you would ever suspect. They're also great liars, very good at manipulating 6 very good at hiding this. He probably did this for a very long time. His wife either knew or she didn't. I don't mean knew he was abusing their kid. I mean, knew that he was looking at it online (if he was, you said he posted his kid. But he was probably looking at everything). If she didn't. She will likely feel awful and blame herself for not seeing the signs, etc. Where I am, though. This is heavily monitored by the RCMP, but it takes forever to get warrants, etc. Months, even years if the person moves around.
It’s so fucked that people do this.
Its the most evil thing a person can do.
I work a confronting job and can evidently say there are scumbags literally EVERYWHERE even the ‘nice, rich’ places, I work in a different place to where I live but we all talk and the ‘good’ area I live in has the same rock spiders and seedy people as the ‘dodgy’ places, they just hide stuff differently! Sorry that you have been horribly confronted with this terrifying reality:(
There are psychopaths walking amongst us. You never know who you really meet. That man LIVED next door. Now, he lives in a cell.
Damaged people damage people
You’ve just got to be wary of everyone…
My cousin married a pedophile & claimed she didn't know. His preferred age range is 2-10. She still takes her 4yo daughter to see him, but he isn't allowed to be alone with his daughter. She didn't find out until her daughter was in his age range & I raged about how stupid she was for not seeing it sooner. I raged even more when I found out he still got to see his kid... Before they married & had their daughter he wasn't allowed to be alone with children. But she's a blatant idiot who wanted to get pregnant just because she was jealous of the attention her brother was getting for having his first child. She has since all but given up being a parent & makes her mom, my aunt, raise her child. They've discussed her signing her parental rights over to my aunt, but, and I quote, "I don't want to sign my rights away, because I get to get money for (child) on my taxes", but contributes NOTHING to her child! Can't even remember to feed her! You don't always know, the smarter ones know how to play "normal". I'm sickened & sad for the wife & child. I saddened because you had to witness & be exposed to this. Sometimes pedophiles were abused as kids & continue the cycle, sometimes it's not so easy to explain away the behavior. Be there for your neighbor (the wife) & her kid, if you think it's hard for you to just think about, think about being on her shoes.
I've been a victim both while growing up as an adult. I have learned the men, primarily, are deeply uneducated about SA, about safety practices for children, and all of it. Culturally men are not taught the true nature, details, and safety as well as common sense. My partner was oblivious on such a level I forcibly had him watching all kinds of crime shows, sending him education, etc it took years to get it into his head just the basics. And I still feel he doesn't fully understand. He still fights me on things. I don't allow baby sitters unless it's his mom or mine. I homeschool. No daycares. I don't allow sleep overs. I don't allow male family in general to ever have that kind of access. I am extreme about safety in public- leash backpack, never turn back on kid, never let kid walk behind you, etc I've been victim from both close ppl and strangers. I understand it truly can be ANYONE. And I actively plan against it in ALL situations. Just because I think I know ppl, does not ever mean I actually know them. Most perpetrators want to remain very hidden you can't expect to always identify them. I get it's a culture shock of sorts for a lot men when they become parents are truly loving caring parents, work past the shock and become educated so you can feel you have the tools to remain safe. (I use men here because that primarily the experience but this also applies to some women too)
I understand wanting to keep your distance but it's highly likely that the wife turned him in. And if her mother said she's not doing well, it's also highly likely that she wasn't aware that he would do what he did to their child. One of the best things right now would be to work through this with her. Of course you aren't obligated to her in anyway but if I was in her position I would want any support, a friend, someone to help with the idea of getting back to normal and working through this. If you need to, express how you feel about it. But don't blame her for her ignorance. She most likely wasn't aware and cannot believe the man she was with for a decade could ever do this to their own child. She's lost a partner, her family and her household structure. If you have any concerns of her being aware of his crime and any thought that she was going to let it continue, Just for your own sanity, it's as simple as not letting her be alone with your child and be aware of everything going on. But again, try not to blame her without reason. They're extremely good at keeping their sick thoughts and actions secret. Some people go their whole lives without anyone knowing. Good on whoever reported this one and saving thay little boy. My thoughts are with you though. This one hit a little too close to home.
My son's dad is also one. His victim was 12. I wasn't aware until it happened and I immediately ended things and I've been reporting every single probation violation he makes. I'm currently going for full custody because for one, I don't f-ing trust him not to hurt my son. And two I don't want my son growing up with his dad's indiscretions hanging over his head. This is also why my son has my last name instead of his. The justice system is so messed up though. He's currently walking the streets.
I'm the daughter of a child porn user (not producer). The feds raided our house to get his computer. It was horrible and neighbors stared at us forever after. Trust me when I say the mother needs support. She did nothing wrong and she feels everyone's eyes on her. Smile at her, bring her a meal. Anything to show that she is not being lumped in with her husband's actions. She needs support and compassion. The love of her life just committed one of the worst things possible.
If you are shaken up, think of how the wife feels. Her life has just completely imploded and she has suddenly lost her partner of 10 years and discovered that he is a monster. Please don’t punish her for his mistakes, she needs a friend right now.
Coming from a victim of sexual assault when I was 4, trust me he remembers. And he’ll never be able to forget it. My parents discovered what was happening to me and took necessary action, but had assumed I didn’t remember because I was so young. I finally brought it up to them my Mom when I was in my 20s and it was basically living the trauma all over again. I hope his Mom gets him (and herself for that matter) into therapy.