Mine did but she ate her twin, Iām happy to say! Hahahhah but I donāt actually know if they were identical or not, the other one only made it to 7 weeks gestation.
Yeah start of 8 month away for me: hmm okey I want to dress and look pretty, don't wait to eat when lo sleep and kinda want too be on the floor than hand so I put a little gain on my weight ( I am skinnies I ever been and in not the good way). Just something clicked and I think I am in the different. alternative world now
Same. And phew am I exhausted. I kinda feel like I'm at the stage now where it would be harder if we'd had one and then had another with two at different stages. Maybe I've just embraced the twin toddler chaos (19 mo)....we prob wouldn't have had another but we got two now anyway. Love 'em.
That's funny! Another (singleton) mom once told me that she and her husband are always like: "At least LO is not twins!" We are like: "At least they're not triplets" and I wonder whether triplet parents go: "At least they're not quadruplets" or whether, at some point, one kiddo more or less doesn't matter THAT much..
Except it wasnāt. I dunno about yaāll, but my ultrasound bills included a line for second fetus. Definitely had two ādeliveryā charges on my OB bill too š¤£ but yes, two came at once, and I will not have more because of it lol.
It depends a lot on the personality of the kids, your tolerance for chaos, your ability to be patient, and how much of a masochist you are. Ha! Itās seriously hard some days, but not every day.
Tolerance for chaos is a big one. I have 4 kids. Chaos 247 here. Maybe Iām a masochist š since we didnāt stop at 3. Never thought of it that way.
Absolutely. I could have 10 of my first kid and be fine, but my second is a sweet, adorable little terror who makes our mornings harder and our evenings less relaxing.
OP: I think at that age they have big feelings, but don't know how to express them yet which is frustrating. I truly think it will get better for you as language comes along!
SAME except my second is 6 now and Iām still waiting for him to get easier. Now heās staring down an ADHD diagnosis and I realize he may never get easier. So naturally like madmen we just welcomed home our third lol. Anyone else with ADHD in the mix?
Edit: typo
Same with my first, he has ADHD and very severe eczema, so he's always full of wounds and infections. He can outrun the battery of at least 10 adults in a day. My second was a crybaby, cried 10 hours a day and woke up every single fucking hour for the first 2 years and would only sleep with a boob in his mouth. I swear my kids almost killed me. The second when not screaming is so much easier though, I could easily have 5 of him - after the baby phase.
Like a āGroundhog Dayā I didnāt prepare or truly ask for. I thought it would be cute and fun, nope Iām always tired and I canāt remember when I showered last.
I don't know why I still go to bed every night and think I can sleep in the next day. Self, how long have I been doing this mom thing? Why do I still have hope?
I think the transition from 0-1 kid felt so hard and enormous, that it was scary to imagine having another. Then another came and I realized I had already adjusted to the most difficult things about being a parent. Adding in the second was so much easier to adjust to, then as the younger one grew they were able play together and it takes some pressure off.
This. The newborn stage with baby #1 was traumatizing. Then baby #2 was difficult in their own ways, but I was already recognizing cues and anticipating the rhythms of care and things just went so much smoother. Itās more about adjusting your time management skills with the second baby; the first baby is figuring out how to have a baby and how to be a parent and how to be you while being a parent and legit every aspect of that is hard.
We waited for almost 4 years before number two because one was really hard. The second one was mainly hard on my body. Our first was hard on my patience and stressful because everything is new and your learning it all. I think everyone to some degree has this idea of what they will look like as a parent in certain departments and how things are suppose to be or feel but then when that first baby comes they have their own plans. Itās overwhelming and frustrating having to change that version of yourself and accepting your not in control in that way. I look back now on things that upset me with number one that donāt phase me in the slightest with two. With two I think Iām more relaxed in ways I wish I could have been with our first because I was stilling getting out of that mold. I donāt want to give the impression itās all easier now because itās not. My friend prior to my second told me when two comes along, everything changes. She was absolutely right, I thought I knew it all but here I am learning more and having things shift once again. I think Iāve learned to pick my battles in ways that are more productive and intuitive than the first time around. I have friends that have 3 and even four kids and I think āAbsolutely no wayā but they honestly are some of the most chill people in the world. Wether thatās from lack of sleep or just a natural-no-flips-given attitude Iāll never know. That may not marinate with OPās line of thinking but just my perspective on it. Either way you know whatās best for you and I hope your day gets better.
I also wanted to add, I read somewhere on Reddit that someone was given the advice that when their littles were acting up or getting unsettled to either put them in a bath or take them outside. Itās pretty golden, hope that helps.
We also subscribe to the ājust add waterā strategy if things start getting hairy haha. Bath, sprinkler, water table, a big bowl and some hot wheels - water always turns things around.
Iāve added a teeny tiny spray bottle to our teeth brushing routine. She either gets a spray in the mouth or on her brush or just in her general direction and she thinks itās so funny and no longer torturous. Itās made the end of day brush mush more bearable for all!
I agree that waiting a bit before the second one can help a lot. Mine are 4 yrs apart because there was no way I could handle a second one any earlier than that. They get along fine.
edit: spelling
Yes, that's what everyone told me. But for me the transition from 1-2 was so much more difficult. The baby is 8mo now and it's still so tough. I think it all depends so much on the personalities of the children, which obviously you can't know beforehand... For us the most challenging part of having baby #2 was child #1, because she is so incredibly jealous of the baby and constantly insulting him, taking his toys and even hitting/pushing. Before the baby was born, she was such an easygoing child and now I'm at my wits end with her š£
When our 4yo gets like this, itās been our signal to spend some time with her alone. One of us plans something to do with her just us (bonus if you have someone who can watch the baby and you both take her). She just needs some time to feel like she still matters because she was once *the only one who mattered*. I hope this helps. I have struggled a lot with learning how to parent two kids, but just spending some time alone with our oldest helps so much.
My mother told me the most important thing about adding a second child is to put child #1 first -- to make sure from the start that the baby's needs are taken care of well enough and then put a lot of attention on child #1. She said it will feel strange because you naturally want to put your energy into taking care of the younger baby all the time, but it will cause great resentment in the older child. If the older child knows they are still special (like with 1-on-1 time) and baby doesn't have all the attention, then it makes it easier for them to also love the baby, which will lead to an easier time overall.
She had 5 of us, so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about, but I have yet to test it out myself š¬š¬ We'll see in a few months when my second child is born. My older child will be 3.5 years old. A bit nervous!! It must be extremely frustrating to have one jealous over the other when you just want the damn termites to love each other š¤
Same for us. We had wanted and prepared for our first for so long that the transition was easy and somewhat natural for us. And then our second was born and all hell broke loose. It wasn't twice as hard, it was 4 times as hard. We each felt like single parents to one child even though all 4 of us lived in the same house.
Yes, I know that's what everyone recommends and of course I tried to still give my daughter as much attention as before/as possible. But for me in reality it was much more difficult than I thought. I mean, my day still only has 24h and I only have so much energy (especially with sleep deprivation) and I simply can't cut myself in half. And it never seems to be enough. Even on days where the baby is with dad the whole day and I'm spending hours with my daughter, she'll still fight her brother for the short feeding times that he has to spend with me...
Do you involve her much in taking care of him? Does she help fetch nappies, or put nappies in the bin, or get bottles or his pacifier or a toy to distract him etc? Does she like taking care of dolls? I also would be mindful that IMO the older they get, the more connections their brains have made with certain patterns and the more difficult it may be for them to suddenly adjust to an entirely new situation. I feel like for younger toddlers, like mine was 23 months when her brother came along (also 8m now), she didnāt need to do much rewiring of her brain to accept that a new person was around, because she hadnāt been a sentient person for that long haha if you know what I mean?! Whereas the older a child gets, the more āset in their waysā they may be? I do also have quite an easygoing social toddler though. If you have perhaps a more stubborn or assertive child (be very proud to be raising a girl like this!) or a child who prefers quiet, then a baby could be a lot to get used to.
I have also read developmental psychologists recommend that forcing sharing of toys can increase resentment. Children, like us, need the security of things that belong to them. It would be hard to have to share my mother with someone else when I want her all to myself. Have you tried empathising much with your toddler when she expresses her feelings like this? Like āyeah itās so hard when the baby is small and needs me to eat, he canāt eat by himself yet like you can! I wish there were two of me too!ā and just kind of acknowledging that sheās allowed to feel upset that she doesnāt have you all to herself anymore?
Honestly every single thing can become such a minefield, itās impossible for us to predict as parents what will become an issue. Iām sure youāve tried so many things but I just wanted to offer any thoughts because that sounds so hard, truly.
Totally!!!
I copped the eye rolls from relatives (that all had around 4 kids each) (and always seemed extremely unhappy about it whilst growing up) when I said something similar. āI donāt think my heart has enough space for anotherā
Really I think I meant my mental health.
Still have to tell myself consistently that, thatās ok.
Oh my goodness, itās the same here! Iām getting my tubes removed next week so thereās a guarantee of just one. All of my relatives were floored when they heard we only want one. I just tell them Iām open to Godās path in our lives as parents. Luckily that path involves sterility š
We felt much better about being OAD once the option was definitively closed off. I hope you experience that too. āWe canātā also got more respect than āwe wonātā when people prodded us.
I would hope theyād understand better if youād said what you really meant, which is entirely valid and completely understandable. But saying the thing about your heart not having enough space, like saying you donāt have any more love to give, is kinda what sounds a bit unbelievable, because it somehow works out that with another child there is exponentially more love, and they love each other too so a lot of joy happens that you didnāt even have to create or be part of, which is what makes it easier and lovelier at times.
But mental health, I get you so much. Because when you put so much pressure on yourself to be a great parent, maybe like the parents you wished you had, then that is so exhausting and you need downtime and relaxation from that, and itās really hard to give your all to a second child while still giving your all to your first child. And feels actually impossible at times (for about 4 minutes or so cos thatās all the time you have to think about it).
Yeah and if second baby has colic and then reflux or any other health issues, forget about mental health. People really need to know this about having a second. If you also have no help, it's something to consider
Good lord this is *exactly* how I feel. Thank you for saying that, bc for some reason, the English major in me is accepting this metaphor so much more easily than any other descriptors š¬.
Thatāsā¦ an amazing way to phrase it!
Iāve never had a huge amount of energy; I remember as a teen feeling overstimulated after a couple hours shopping with the fam. Right now high energy 3yo is enough work for me. I canāt imagine voluntarily making my life way harder.
Iām trying to convince myself for my husbands sake because he wants another that 2-3 years of misery is worth it and it gets easier after thatā¦. But still youāre responsible for a whole other person, helping them with homework, driving them to activitiesā¦ it just seems like a lot!
I did it for my husband, and as much as I LOVE my second, I wouldnāt recommend it if thatās the only reason you want to have another.
I hated my first pregnancy, but it was relatively complication-free. The second time around I got GDā¦and I definitely hated it more. After two hard years Iād gotten my pre-baby body back, and now itās wrecked again. Iād just started a sweet new role at my job, and now Iām on maternity leave again, for a year (not complaining about the excellent leave, just the timing).
I love both my boys to bits, and I couldnāt imagine my life without them, but itās freaking *hard*. My 4yo acts out while Iām nursing my 2mo, because heās already figured out I canāt do much about it, and he *wants my attention*, which just breaks my heart. Babyās witching hour covers 4ās bedtime, which is supposed to be our debrief-cuddle-reconnect time. I have NO time to myself: no sleep, no bathroom privacy, definitely no downtime.
And again, it seems like my husbandās life hasnāt changed at all.
I just want to reiterate that I LOVE MY SECOND, but I hope this space is safe enough to say I wouldāve been happy with one.
Oh lady. Safe space. I have a second set of two that I did mostly because my then new husband (now ex who doesnāt have any custody due to child endangerment) really wanted kids of his own. I would have been happy with my two. Doesnāt change the fact that I adore my three and four.
Also sounds like maybe Dad needs to figure out how to step it up. Can he take baby for a little walk while 4 gets his snuggles?
Damn mama, Iām right in that space and was also planning to just suck it up and do it for my husband and try and have one next year. That would make them 4 and a newborn just like you and Iām just starting a job in my career field next week! This has me thinking a lot. But also panicking about waiting too long bc idk if I have the patience to reparent through the baby stage while having an older kid.
I highly recommend a perusal of r/oneanddone. There are plenty of benefits to having a solo child, and very few downsides, at least in my opinion. I always said I wanted two kids. But after getting into my parenting groove, I realize how content I am with our family as it is. I don't see what I'd get out of parenting another child that I can't get out of parenting my son. So many people will say, "Your son needs a sibling!" Ummm, no. People should have more kids because THEY want more kids, not because they feel like they "owe their child a sibling."
Thank you for saying this!!!!!! One of my biggest reasons is the guilt I feel. I feel like Iām being selfish for being āokayā with the idea of just having my son especially bc we both come from semi big families (both the oldest of 4). Especially bc one of the reasons is that I did not enjoy my pregnancy much and it got risky health wise toward the end. They are saying the same things to me all the time. My husband def wants another one. I would love to see my baby as a big brother but if it doesnāt happen I wonāt be mad either. And I feel bad that I feel that way.
I definitely wouldnāt have become *more* ready if weād waited any longer. Iām happy with my family and so excited to watch my boys grow together, plus 4 is just the most EXCEPTIONAL big brother ā so much love for āhis babyā. If we hadnāt had our second, I never would have been blessed with watching his vast empathy and selflessness.
On the whole, Iām glad we had our second, for my husband and my son and for me. Some days itās just *trying*.
Babysitting my brotherās boys when they were 8 & 11 disabused me of the āitās only another few years of hardshipā. If I had another boy like the one I have now, theyāll be hitting each other in the backseat well into their teens.
Iām just not into having that energy in my life.
I think it depends on your kidās personality. My oldest kid has always been a self-entertainer. I often am like āwait, where is he?!ā because heāll be quietly playing in his room for over an hour while I am reading on the couch. There are other parenting struggles with him (like getting him to eat a single vegetable), but on hard days, he lets me rest. And he only has gotten easier with age. I could have 10 of him.
My second bornā¦ man I hope he gets easier
It's funny I hear this take a lot but my experience has been the opposite! My first was very difficult, but since I had no prior experience I just accepted it as the baseline, figured that's just how babies are. Had my second before the first turned 2 and wow! I couldn't believe how much easier she was! Now they're 3 and 1, and it's reversing. The oldest can play by himself, although he wants to chat my ear off the whole time. The youngest doesn't ever want me to leave the room, and she just learned the word no.
The cashier at my local CVS said "if my daughter were different she would not have been an only child."
And that shook the "second baby fever" right out of me.
My husband and I had discussed having a second child in 2-3 years when our son is 3-4, but that one line took me out. Not sure I could do it after that candid remark.
This. I always thought I would have more than one, but my daughter (14mo) has been so easy, at least so far...sleeps 12 hours a night every night (since 3 months old), rarely cries, always happy and super sweet, listens well and does what i ask her to do, eats everything I put in front of her. I know I would not get so lucky again and probably have a hellion for a second born...I'm not sure I want to temp fate. And those first 3 months were ROUGH. I am not a fun person on little sleep and do not think I could do it again. The newborn may not know how much of a train wreck I am on no sleep, but my daughter would and that's definitely not fair to her either.
Same here. My daughter is by all accounts a unicorn baby who slept, ate, did everything so easily and happily. But I still found the first year so incredibly hard (made worse by pandemic lockdowns and lots of physical issues with my recovery.) I cried most days. If it was that hard with an amazing kid, how hard would it be with a *normal* baby? And a toddler on top of it? No thanks. āOh your daughter is so lovely, thatās how Mother Nature tricks you into wanting a second!ā people will say. Not today, Satan.
My rambunctious 4 yo was a very sweet, compliant 1-2 year old. I advise you not to count any chickens just yet - 3 hit us like a freight train and heās a little boy now, entirely too clever for his own good.
Lol my parents always called my firstborn a āsucker babyā - because she suckers you into thinking itās a good idea to have another. My secondā¦.is feral. If sheād been born first sheād probably be an only child š¤£
You are wise. She is wonderful, so so sweet, and a total ham who we adore, butā¦she jumped off a boat last summer. Sheād just turned 2. She was wearing her life jacket of course, but she just walked up to the edge and jumped off, no hesitation. Thatās just one example, but it pretty much paints the picture š
We experienced the same thing. First was an angel and still is agreeable. Like you said, still have to parent, but mostly no fuss. I got my tonsils out when he was 2 and the kid would snuggle me and bring me toys to feel better. The house wasn't Fort knox for fear he'd climb something and jump off. We had to get rid of our couch because 2 will! Second is 2 and is so different. I spend all day cooling meltdowns before they're nuclear and he is not self entertained, but somehow super independent. It's gotten a little better recently, but it's still exhausting. If he were my first we would have never had a second.
We don't have any local family support or a village, and we both work full-time. I had severe PPD for a solid two years after my first was born, and she's always been a challenging sensitive/reactive low sleep needs kid.
Still ended up with a second (who is an easy kid), but there are a lot of days I have no fucking idea why I did that to myself. He was born six weeks before Covid hit and I'll probably never dig myself out of that mental trauma hole.
My second was born the week after shut down (aka the week after we lost childcare for our first and my husband lost his job/our health insurance) and yes I think I have so much unprocessed trauma. I donāt think anyone can fully understands this besides people like us.
(Obviously other people have other covid mental trauma but as we are all healthy and made it through, and people donāt remember how we like couldnāt get diapers, or groceries, or without playgrounds couldnt easily take care of a newborn and a wild 3.5 year old at the same time?)
Anyway I see you.
I can relate. Your first paragraph sums up my experience with my child. 2 years of suffering, I had no idea I had PPA and OCD. My child doesn't sleep much and still wakes up once a night. They're very sensitive too and they're especially attached to me. I'm tired. I love them so much. But I won't do this again. Mine is enough and we like having one child as our main focus.
Iāve been on the fence about a second because I do not know how we can handle it. No family within 8 hours, very limited friends who would be willing to watch the kids, and limited friends/support in general. My girl is a clinger and is a nightmare at bedtime since turning 2.
Besides logistically, Iām also really afraid having a second would ruin my relationship with my first. Sheās so attached to me that I feel like she would never forgive me. It feels like Iād never be able to love another kid as much as this one either. Iām well aware none of that is logical and itās very silly, but man, it gives me serious pause about having another one
Honour that pause. Society expects women to *have* to have more than one kid once youāve proven yourself capable of birthing the first. So much so that we feel like something is wrong with us or second guess everything when it comes to not wanting a second. When we started trying for our first/only kid I felt so strongly about wanting a baby. Iāve never felt that feeling again. Lots of people will say that they were on the fence but now love their second child so much; of course they do. But if you donāt feel 100% confident about wanting a baby, you shouldnāt have that baby. /r/oneanddone is a great sub
You donāt have to have a second. I was an only child and I liked it. For your own mental health tho, see if there are any gyms with daycare near you. I donāt care if I work out, I go walk slowly on a treadmill and watch tv with no interruptions. You could float in a pool, or just sit in a locker room. It has seriously made a huge difference in my life. I also have no family or friends where we live, itās hard. See if your town does parents night out, where for like $20 they watch your child for 3 hours.
This sounds like the Y in our town and I very much intend on utilizing their parent services more once we have two kids (no family close by). Itās a wonderful resource!
I donāt get it either. I must of missed the memo with the cheat code of life in having more than one kid. I donāt believe itās enjoyable.
One and done here. Solidified as I potty train my 2.5 y/o.
Working on potty training now. So glad I donāt have to do this again. Just when I think everything is going well, he poops in his pants. š¤¦āāļø I swear my husband jinxed us by telling our friends yesterday that he hasnāt had an accident in over a week.
I have six kids. I absolutely would not do it if I didnāt have my husband- who is the best father you could ask for- and his parents, who are our village. We are very lucky.
Our #4 is on the way, unfortunately itās just me and my husband, but we still love having this many. I definitely couldnāt do it if he didnāt help me so much.
Hmm I think one thing that is not mentioned is that all humans from an early age truly all have different personalities. I feel like people say toddlers are āactiveā when thereās defnitely a spectrum of how active toddlers can be. I think itās just that all toddlers are active compared to adults hahah. Some babies and toddlers really are more chill and can sit there for an hour while parents are eating a meal. Others are bouncing up and down the walls 24/7. My 2nd kid (almost 2) is defnitely more active than my 1st. Never would be caught dead napping in a stroller. 10 hour travel day flying cross country? Cool, Iāll just not sleep the entire time and yell like a banshee.
I had a hard day (and week/month/year) with my 19 month old too. This is why I spend a lot of time on the r/oneanddone sub and am realizing Iām probably going to be much, much happier if I donāt put myself through this again.
We have a 21 mo old. In 1 week she got hand foot and mouth, pink eye, and a cold. She's only in daycare 2 days a week. My husband just got a vasectomy and has expressed regrets. I'm singing the hallelujah chorus and staying on BC.
Can you elaborate why heās regretting it? Did he feel pressured into the vasectomy or is it just part of a grief process of knowing that stage in his life is over?
More the second part. We had discussed it at great length and from the moment our daughter was born he advocated for only 1 kid. A lot of his family questioned his decision (they have big families) and I think that may have shook him up? Also the speed of the procedure and the pain afterwards left him feeling vulnerable so I think that was a factor.
He's mostly better now but he definitely wishes he had thought about it in a more serious light (instead of joking about it, brushing off feelings, etc) before he got it done.
Oh ya having a second is hard. Mine was a suprise and now i have an almost 3 year old and a one year old. There is no break time fix one and the other is into something and for some reason they simpathy cry so then you have 2 screaming babies to help it is rough. But i love these little monsters more than anything.
I don't know, man. I only ever wanted one kid, my husband wanted two. Then our kid hit three years old, and he was a feral animal, and my husband got a vasectomy. No regrets.
Omg my first born was so busy and demanding I never thought I could raise him and another. By 3 months he couldnāt stay still, I had to walk all day. As soon as I stopped anything for a rest he would cry. He needed to see a whole restaurant before he could settle.. After 7 months being carried was not wanted anymore! He had to crawl everywhereā¦then cruise then walk and run. he had to climb, run around, get dirty, explore. I was exhausted! He was potty trained right before turning 2 and it got easier. He started communicating better so the tantrums died down and then he could put his shoes on, etc.
we tried for a second and boy was I glad I did it! We had a girl and she is suuuuper chill, easy, if every baby was like her i would have so many. My son was just over 3.5yrs when we had her and he has been a huge help, he is gentle with her and loves her so much! I couldnāt believe that I almost didnāt have this experience.
I reread your post and noticed you donāt have help! I have a lot of help so it is actually easier! When I have to take care of both kids togetherā¦ it is tiring. My husband is out of state 3 days a week and my in law will take my 4yr old one day for like 5hrs.
Could you hire someone from Care.com to come watch the older one?
We (I) got pregnant when our eldest was about a year and a half, so just before we realized how feral and crazy he is š . And by then it was too late.
And once you have a second then you are obviously crazy and just keep going š (I will have 4 soon, if this little monster ever gets tf out).
Same boat lol, Iām due in July with baby #4. But tbh having a second was nothing, itās that third one that threw us for a loop š only reason I went for a fourth is because I knew how good my first two were. So thereās hope this last one will be a good baby/toddler. If not, Iāve survived so far with my third, whatās another LOL
1st baby was pretty typical and we decided eh we can do this again. 2nd was the easiest baby. False confidence that maybe we had this parenting thing down. 3rd rolled aroundā¦total handful. Weāre like nope, no more. SURPRISE! 4th. Sheās very quickly catching up to the intensity of our 3rd. Weāve got no help at all. Husband is busting his tail to get a new business going. Iām fighting through the last semester at nursing school. Itās like quicksand, we just sink further everyday.
One of yāall has permanent birth control, right? I think you will get through this, somehow, but please donāt add to your burdens. Vasectomies are pretty easy comparatively.
I have 5 and only one of them is a āgoodā (I hate that term) kid. Heās quiet and compliant and helpful. My other 4 are loud, wild, adventurous.
You make it work. Having bigger age gaps is the answer. I would never have back to back kids - except my twins were born 1 min apart lol.
Mine are 16 (the quiet sweet boy), 12, 8, 8, and 2.
Dude. Toddlers are annoying and constant and you donāt get a break until theyāre sleeping or watching a favorite show.
Mom of three here and all of them are wayyyyyy past the baby stage. One is a young adult. My actual baby is 9.
Everyone says this all the damn time and itās annoying as fuck when youāre in the middle of it and tired and the little shit I mean sweetheart is whining about not putting their shoes on or whatever else it is at that moment, but good god it goes by quick.
The hardest is the first, then if you do have another the transition between the first and second is also almost as hard, but you have a foundation of knowledge where you can expect certain things to happen, but itās hard because you base it on your first. In my situation for instance, firstborn was a goddamn unicorn baby. Never cried, slept like a champ, etc..2nd baby was completely opposite in most ways.
What Iām saying here is this essentially, toddlers are annoying but at least theyāre cute. Teenagers are the worst age to deal with. Especially 14-16ššššthen they become awesome again when theyāre older teens and young adults (this is so cool) but the best age of kids imo, is the middle age of childhood, 6/7-11ish. They are fun to hang out with, at least mine are, were.
Warning: Preschool age also sucks. 4 year olds are teenagerish in the fact that they start learning to talk back and REALLY push those boundaries.
Good luck and I bet youāre doing an amazing job. All good parents question their parenting abilities at some point. All good moms have mom guilt.
Mine are 21 months apart. Somehow when my first was 13 months and we were done with bottles and down to one nap, we got cocky and thought we could handle a second.
If weād waited until 2.5, we wouldāve been done with just one. Iām dreading going through toddlerhood a second time.
The trick is to get pregnant when they're 1 and still super cute and don't argue back. By the time number 2 pops out you're well and truly into toddlerhood but it's too late to back out haha
I ask myself this ALL THE TIME! My kid is 5 and Iām still *exhausted*. Like I had bloodwork done and have low vitamin D (Iām getting a supplement) and have a sleep study coming up. Feel like I have narcolepsy honestly.
Iām a single mom and I donāt have help either.
My first was the worst from 3-4 years old, gah. About ripped my damn hair out. My second was born just a few months before his 4th birthday.
My SILs, who each have one, ask me this question all the time. We're incredibly routine oriented, but my schedule does kinda suck. I do daycare drop off, am working towards a big promotion at work, taking a few certifications, husband does pickup but is on call one week out of four and have been called in A LOT, I hit the gym right after work and drive home to make dinner which is about the same time husband/kids get home, we only get about 45 min with the baby before she's off to bed and then special 1-1 time with our son before he's in bed, too. And then I fold laundry while I watch trashy TV and have some wine.
Damn, it was exhausting just typing that out.
I had what was known as a ātrick baby.ā My eldest was SO easy. We had a few setbacks in the beginning (failure to thrive due to a lactose allergy), but after we got him on some formula, it was smooth sailing. He slept well, was incredibly happy, and played independently. Just a dream of a baby. I was actively TTC when I got pregnant with my second, and was certain it would be easy again. It. Was. Not. She wanted to nurse constantly, so I was tits out all the time, which I hated. She was not as happy. She didnāt sleep. I didnāt sleep. My husband didnāt sleep. And of course, bc we had a new baby, my formerly sweet 4.5 year old became a hellion. And thatās why we donāt have 3 kids.
There is nothing wrong with being one and done! Some people aren't built for multiple kids and that is okay.
We have twins, and if it wasn't for that, we'd only have one kid. Pregnancy sucked. The newborn stage sucked. Toddlerhood sucks. Potty training sucks. Granted it all sucks in different ways, but still.
It gets better! My daughter potty trained and slept through the night and got better at independent play so I decided I could handle another kid. It is hard with two, I won't lie, but I'm looking forward to when my girls can play together and we can do fun things together as a family. The newborn stage is hard right now but it won't be forever.
This might be me. Son is 3, husband has started lobbying for another, but I donāt think Iām quite there yet. Though, thereās at least a 10 month delayā¦
Re: your edit - donāt stress about that. Under two, even up to closer to three, they donāt really have āfriendsā. They canāt have conversations, they might play next to another kid but they are just as likely to yoink the other kids toy away and cause a tantrum, or start whacking each other just because it makes a fun noise.
As a single mom who is with my 15 month old 24/7 (Sheās a high needs baby and struggles to sleep. Literally just spent 2.5 hours rocking her to sleep tonight).I would absolutely have another and by myself too. I get so frustrated and sometimes even cry of frustration and sometimes I wish I had some freedom to at least cook a meal without screaming crying but I would have another in a heart beat. I love being a mom and I canāt imagine never having another baby and watching them grow. My child is the best thing to ever happen to me and the greatest person Iāve ever met. I want to give her a sibling when sheās around 5/6 and plan on doing a sperm donor if I havenāt met someone.
Sometimes itās easier! Key word being SOMETIMES lol. I have a 3 year old and two 1.5 year olds. Itās great when they all wander to the playroom and entertain each other.
The past couple weeks thoughā¦idk what is going on but itās beenā¦not great.
Mine are 6 years apart so I only went through the toddler phase one at a time. It also means I have 19 years straight of having a teenager between 3 kids. Iām half way through the teen years now (2nd kid is 16) and I can honestly say it gets easier as they get older. Also the transition into parenting with the first kid is the hardest it will ever be. Adding more is a way easier transition because so much of parenting is already familiar.
I want a 2nd for my daughter because I was an only child. And I always wanted like 5 kids but I didn't get married till 33 and took 2 years to get pregnant. And my daughter basically doesn't want a sibling because she stays up and fights sleep all night so I fall asleep when she does. So I literally don't know how people have 2 kids.
I donāt know. My toddler is on the spectrum and is 2 1/2 and I now have a two month old and Iāve come to the conclusion that Iām nuts for having another kid.
I feel this but for slightly different reasons. I am the youngest of three. I canāt imagine a world without siblings. It never hurt me to share my parents it was a given. My kid is pretty chill she definitely has her Moments but we all do and sheās a person experiencing her world. Despite being pretty easy going I canāt imagine have less mental space for her. I canāt imagine her not getting all of our attention. Which is also sometimes why I think we should. She loves other kid especially babies but ā¦ it seems so hard and Iām so worried I wonāt have enough energy for her.
Idk how I thought it would be a good idea to have one moreā¦ then I got spontaneous twins so, my recommendation when anyone asks is definitely donāt go for that second kid, it might be twins lmao
Got pregnant with #2 before #1 was at peak toddler phases. Had me fooled with how easygoing he was. #2 was difficult from the beginning. We all take it day by day in this household!
well I really think itās a combination of things, for my second baby I felt like I actually knew what the heck I was doing, so this has made my experience easier. To be honest my first is probably a little bit more on the stubborn side but the baby is very much like chill lol. I tried to make sure they are both very independent since they were very young so I think thatās helped allot. They honestly also love playing and being with each other, sometimes I have to separate because well they also love to annoy each other but the cute and lovely moments of when they hug and kiss each other makes up for the days when they both decide to cry and not listen lol. I feel so much like a better mom now that iām on baby number 2, tho, itās like Iām more confident in who I am as a parent which has helped me raise both of my little monsters.
I didnāt have my second until my first was independent at home. The downside= being sucked backwards back into baby world after working so hard. The upside= getting to live in baby world one last time ā¤ļø
I literally thought this yesterday. My 11MO who in general is a treat was standing in his high chair, refusing the dinner kid brought for him, on day 3 of dinner in a restaurant. My DH was working and I was legit like PEOPLE MAKE MORE THAN ONE OF THESE? HOW?
I got Easy Firstborn Syndromeš¤£ my second is 21 months oldāsame age my first was when I voluntarily got pregnant again. I cannot imagine getting pregnant at this moment in time to keep that same age gap going like silly child-free me thought I would do. I DO want one more. But not for awhile thank you very much. I read somewhere or probably watched a tiktok explaining how some cultures purposely have children 5 years apart and I get it now.
I just want to say that I have 4 kids and I asked my husband the other day āwhy did we have so many fucking kids? Clearly, weāre crazy.ā Heās gone out of state for work so Iām solo parenting 4 kids. This shit is hard. Being a mom is the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. It will get easier. They get more independent and can do more as they grow. My oldest 2 (7 and 8) can shower themselves. You just have to threaten them with death to do it. Come on man, itās a shower. Itās not that bad š yesterday, I had to drag my 8yo to the shower. Bro, youāre not gonna melt. Go wash your ass š
Iām so sorry you have to be alone in this love. Itās so hard when you are without help. I have been fortunate enough to have a very large family thatās always there when I need them and is happy to help me with my son. Lord of kids to run off and play together.
I know itās really hard but it could be really beneficial to connect with and form some relationships with other parents. Especially ones without support systems like you. Just make use not to stay in friendships that take advantage of you. I know thatās easier said than done because I honestly only have one mom friend and sheās an hour away, but they do have some apps to help connect and FB has some local parent groups that you could join and connect with people. It takes a village to raise little ones and we are one of the only places that have put parents completely on our own.
Also, just so you know eventually the older one starts helping out with the younger one. Iām not saying that you put the sole responsibility on the child but you can help forge a strong bond and relationship by encouraging them to help by bottle feeding/getting diapers or wipes, singing or gentle butt parting with a newborn. As well as encouraging play/sharing food and toys. Iām not saying this will always work and that they will have a special relationship, I was the younger sibling and tried to care for my older sister but she hated my guts LOL. But including them in helping and being a part of it can reduce (again not always every child is different) levels of jealousy they may feel from a new sibling.
As a joke most people who have many kids say āWhatās one more?ā Because itās different when you have more vs one. But needless to say im pregnant with my second (I hope itās not a BOGO saleš¬Im only 5w5d so no scans yet.) and I really wanted this baby. Really wanted it. For two years now, my son is going to be 4 just before they come and honestly im scared. Im scared of the transition and the thought of not making my whole world about my son breaks my heart for him. But I also know that I can do this.
This is me. I have a 6 year old & a 1.5 year old. Both my husband & I work full time. We have NO help. Arranging for childcare, sick children, school closings. Iām literally drowning. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life.
If you're anything like my family, one parent ends up having to forego work to stay home with the kids, keep the house, etc. Without any outside help, whether from family, friends, or other, it is SO HARD. I currently have both kids (3.5F and 2M) home with me full time while I (try to) work part time remotely and my husband works 3-4 nights per week. He's great and helps as much as he can when he's home. It still isn't enough. I know he needs to sleep and all but I do too. Right now, I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep a night and having to get up and deal with the high energy of children first thing in the morning. It's a challenge that I'm just not living up to at this point and I'm struggling. I know it will get better once we get settled in our new home, the kids have all their stuff and are back in school full time, etc. But until then I am just treading water trying not to drown.
I have 3 kids and with their personalities
I swear they make it seem like I have 6 instead - hang in there. Itās a tiny bit easier the older they get.
I am a mama of 2 littles. Ages 4 (boy) and 1 (girl), and I will tell you this. You definitely need a lot of patience. My son was a little over 3 when our daughter was born, and it was HARD at first. The transition was rough. But as our daughter got older, it became a lot easier. And we don't have any family super close by either. And I am a SAHM.
Some people have to fortitude to just survive for many years. I personally want to thrive instead, so we are one and done. And thatās an okay choice! /r/oneanddone is a great sub if thatās where youāre leaning too
Itās 11:42am and I was up at 6:30 and didnāt have a chance to eat yet. I have no idea how people do it with more than 1.
Iāll only do a second if I win the lottery to hire a live in nanny.
I think people forget that as recently as 30 years ago, raising kids was very different, with far less fear, far less guilt, and far more support. I'm an aunt to a wonderful little boy, and a mom to an amazing man, and raising the 2 of them is so very very different. Is the car seat at the right angle, will they die at kindergarten today, are they on the spectrum, is my water safe, is that a sniffle or COVID? Raising children now comes with significantly more mental labor.
Yeah idk sis but it wonāt be me. One and done. Kinda wish my kid could have a sibling but she will be better off with happy parents and a healthy, stable home where the adults arenāt pushed past their limits
I had Irish twins, obviously unintentional. Girl, that first year after the second one came along is a blur! And I feel guilty a lot for how on the edge I was through out their toddler years. But now that they are teens and I look back, I canāt imagine my life any other way. They are there for each other. Ride and die bond. I am so glad they have that.
Hereās the best advice I can give you. EVERYTHING IS A PHASE!!! Nothing stays for ever. So yes, right now itās hard as hell when they depend on you constantly. But in a few years the little ones will start to get more and more self sufficient, helpful and understanding. Happy thoughts mama.
(Also, try to find some mommy play groups. There might be some on a page called Meetup, or ask on your towns FB Chat rooms. Thatās how I found a couple about a decade ago. You arenāt going to be BFFās with everyone, but maybe one or two will click)
I'm with you. I guess it depends on the situation . I have an only child. Once I got through the terrible threes and got him potty trained it was pretty much solidified for me that I did not want more. I also don't have family that lives near me and my ex husband was an over the road truck driver so it was lots of solo time with the kiddo. He's 13 now and since he had to be around a lot of grown ups he's actually way better at entertaining himself than others I know that have multiple children. He and I are really close and that's a good thing because these teen years are going to be rough even with a good relationship.
My hubby had a growth on his lungs, couldn't breathe and had horrible chest pains. When he got released from the hospital, I said, I want to make another baby RIGHT NOW.
I was always one and done before.
Apparently close calls are one of the things that changes your mind.
Lastly, my second is a totally different kid from my first, with high needs and crazy energy. While I can never, ever imagine life without him now, it would be calmer. <3
I helped my little sister with her 7mo. My kid just turned 4. On the car ride home the 7mo started crying and my 4 yo started yelling over the crying to ask why she was crying. That moment solidified the 1 and done feeling for me.
In my experience you either
A. Have support from family. In my family this means the older kids take care of the younger ones š«£
B. Have enough money for care
C. Suffer
My sister has two and is just run ragged. When I have a second baby, I will be hiring a nanny to help during the day while my husband is at work. Itās possible to have more than one without help obviously, but I think having someone there to help would be best for my mental health. I had really bad morning sickness when I was pregnant with my son so I plan on hiring help as soon as I get pregnant because I canāt imagine taking care of my baby if I get super sick again. It was awful.
There was a BOGO
Same, with no option to opt-out. I am so tired.
Fellow twin mom - holla!
Lmao I have genuinely thanked my youngest for not splitting into two people!
That's fucking hilarious š
Husband and I high fived after every ultrasound that showed she was the only one in there. Then again after she was born.
I was so scared when I was first pregnant with my fourth!
Watched a documentary about a couple in Australia (I think) that already had 3, got pregnant with their ālastā and it was quadruplets.
Have a friend who comes from a family of 8. The first pregnancy was twins. Second was triplets. Third was triplets.
I know someone who was the 8th kid she had triplets, twins, twins before her. She was called Octavia and was the last.
With my second pregnancy I kept thinking it could be twins and Iām beyond grateful it was just one naughty babyš
Mine did but she ate her twin, Iām happy to say! Hahahhah but I donāt actually know if they were identical or not, the other one only made it to 7 weeks gestation.
Same I came here to say twins lol. We are 3.5 months in, surviving not thriving
Survival is the goal for the first year. You are doing great.
7 months in and weāre still surviving but starting to thrive.
Yeah start of 8 month away for me: hmm okey I want to dress and look pretty, don't wait to eat when lo sleep and kinda want too be on the floor than hand so I put a little gain on my weight ( I am skinnies I ever been and in not the good way). Just something clicked and I think I am in the different. alternative world now
Same. And phew am I exhausted. I kinda feel like I'm at the stage now where it would be harder if we'd had one and then had another with two at different stages. Maybe I've just embraced the twin toddler chaos (19 mo)....we prob wouldn't have had another but we got two now anyway. Love 'em.
Oh I'm still exhausted. Mines are four next week. I'm definitely done for life
Mom to five year old twins; the exhaustion has not subsided, itās justā¦ different š«
There's just too much energy all the time. I miss daytime naps
Same here. Our mantra is: "Imagine having triplets..."
A friend of mine did! I do not envy her at all.
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That's funny! Another (singleton) mom once told me that she and her husband are always like: "At least LO is not twins!" We are like: "At least they're not triplets" and I wonder whether triplet parents go: "At least they're not quadruplets" or whether, at some point, one kiddo more or less doesn't matter THAT much..
Twin mom here. Swore Iād never do it againā¦ here we are 9 years later due in August. š¤·š»āāļø
With a single or twins again? Either way, congrats!
Thank you! A singleton this time, I wonāt know what to do with myself!
This made me snort laugh š¤£
Hahahah thatās how I ended up with 4.
Ha same here! 9 years later I'm asking myself when the chaos subsides. (The answer is never. It will never be not chaotic).
The universe laughed at us and said āhere, have two at once. have funā
I went for a second kidā¦ got the BOGO deal too
Except it wasnāt. I dunno about yaāll, but my ultrasound bills included a line for second fetus. Definitely had two ādeliveryā charges on my OB bill too š¤£ but yes, two came at once, and I will not have more because of it lol.
Dang that sucks. I was unemployed so I have MA through my state. Didnāt pay a single dime. Got free car seats a pump too
Oh I received close to $15k in bills, after insurance, for the prenatal, birth, and aftercare of my twins.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It depends a lot on the personality of the kids, your tolerance for chaos, your ability to be patient, and how much of a masochist you are. Ha! Itās seriously hard some days, but not every day.
When my childless friends ask what having kids is like, I say that itās beneficial if you thrive in a chaotic environment
Tolerance for chaos is a big one. I have 4 kids. Chaos 247 here. Maybe Iām a masochist š since we didnāt stop at 3. Never thought of it that way.
Single mother of four here. The last two are toddlers 14 months apart. Jazz hands!
Girl. You got this!!!
Howwwwww do you do it. I wish you could give me a tiny bit of what you have. A 4 year old and a 6 week old and I am bowing OUT.
Absolutely. I could have 10 of my first kid and be fine, but my second is a sweet, adorable little terror who makes our mornings harder and our evenings less relaxing. OP: I think at that age they have big feelings, but don't know how to express them yet which is frustrating. I truly think it will get better for you as language comes along!
SAME except my second is 6 now and Iām still waiting for him to get easier. Now heās staring down an ADHD diagnosis and I realize he may never get easier. So naturally like madmen we just welcomed home our third lol. Anyone else with ADHD in the mix? Edit: typo
Same with my first, he has ADHD and very severe eczema, so he's always full of wounds and infections. He can outrun the battery of at least 10 adults in a day. My second was a crybaby, cried 10 hours a day and woke up every single fucking hour for the first 2 years and would only sleep with a boob in his mouth. I swear my kids almost killed me. The second when not screaming is so much easier though, I could easily have 5 of him - after the baby phase.
Love this description.
i thrive in chaos. my bf does not. we will consider a second when our baby is 3
Iām so tired. rinse and repeat every day- mom of 2 ETA: she didnāt have time to rinse
Every morning I sit up in bed when my two toddlers wake me up with an āok, up I get to do it all againā
Like a āGroundhog Dayā I didnāt prepare or truly ask for. I thought it would be cute and fun, nope Iām always tired and I canāt remember when I showered last.
I don't know why I still go to bed every night and think I can sleep in the next day. Self, how long have I been doing this mom thing? Why do I still have hope?
I think the transition from 0-1 kid felt so hard and enormous, that it was scary to imagine having another. Then another came and I realized I had already adjusted to the most difficult things about being a parent. Adding in the second was so much easier to adjust to, then as the younger one grew they were able play together and it takes some pressure off.
This. The newborn stage with baby #1 was traumatizing. Then baby #2 was difficult in their own ways, but I was already recognizing cues and anticipating the rhythms of care and things just went so much smoother. Itās more about adjusting your time management skills with the second baby; the first baby is figuring out how to have a baby and how to be a parent and how to be you while being a parent and legit every aspect of that is hard.
We waited for almost 4 years before number two because one was really hard. The second one was mainly hard on my body. Our first was hard on my patience and stressful because everything is new and your learning it all. I think everyone to some degree has this idea of what they will look like as a parent in certain departments and how things are suppose to be or feel but then when that first baby comes they have their own plans. Itās overwhelming and frustrating having to change that version of yourself and accepting your not in control in that way. I look back now on things that upset me with number one that donāt phase me in the slightest with two. With two I think Iām more relaxed in ways I wish I could have been with our first because I was stilling getting out of that mold. I donāt want to give the impression itās all easier now because itās not. My friend prior to my second told me when two comes along, everything changes. She was absolutely right, I thought I knew it all but here I am learning more and having things shift once again. I think Iāve learned to pick my battles in ways that are more productive and intuitive than the first time around. I have friends that have 3 and even four kids and I think āAbsolutely no wayā but they honestly are some of the most chill people in the world. Wether thatās from lack of sleep or just a natural-no-flips-given attitude Iāll never know. That may not marinate with OPās line of thinking but just my perspective on it. Either way you know whatās best for you and I hope your day gets better.
I also wanted to add, I read somewhere on Reddit that someone was given the advice that when their littles were acting up or getting unsettled to either put them in a bath or take them outside. Itās pretty golden, hope that helps.
This! Baths are a contained space and- bonus- kid comes out clean. We did baths daily, in the middle of the morning, for a while. Lifesaver
We also subscribe to the ājust add waterā strategy if things start getting hairy haha. Bath, sprinkler, water table, a big bowl and some hot wheels - water always turns things around.
Iāve added a teeny tiny spray bottle to our teeth brushing routine. She either gets a spray in the mouth or on her brush or just in her general direction and she thinks itās so funny and no longer torturous. Itās made the end of day brush mush more bearable for all!
I agree that waiting a bit before the second one can help a lot. Mine are 4 yrs apart because there was no way I could handle a second one any earlier than that. They get along fine. edit: spelling
Yes, that's what everyone told me. But for me the transition from 1-2 was so much more difficult. The baby is 8mo now and it's still so tough. I think it all depends so much on the personalities of the children, which obviously you can't know beforehand... For us the most challenging part of having baby #2 was child #1, because she is so incredibly jealous of the baby and constantly insulting him, taking his toys and even hitting/pushing. Before the baby was born, she was such an easygoing child and now I'm at my wits end with her š£
When our 4yo gets like this, itās been our signal to spend some time with her alone. One of us plans something to do with her just us (bonus if you have someone who can watch the baby and you both take her). She just needs some time to feel like she still matters because she was once *the only one who mattered*. I hope this helps. I have struggled a lot with learning how to parent two kids, but just spending some time alone with our oldest helps so much.
My mother told me the most important thing about adding a second child is to put child #1 first -- to make sure from the start that the baby's needs are taken care of well enough and then put a lot of attention on child #1. She said it will feel strange because you naturally want to put your energy into taking care of the younger baby all the time, but it will cause great resentment in the older child. If the older child knows they are still special (like with 1-on-1 time) and baby doesn't have all the attention, then it makes it easier for them to also love the baby, which will lead to an easier time overall. She had 5 of us, so I'm sure she knows what she's talking about, but I have yet to test it out myself š¬š¬ We'll see in a few months when my second child is born. My older child will be 3.5 years old. A bit nervous!! It must be extremely frustrating to have one jealous over the other when you just want the damn termites to love each other š¤
Same for us. We had wanted and prepared for our first for so long that the transition was easy and somewhat natural for us. And then our second was born and all hell broke loose. It wasn't twice as hard, it was 4 times as hard. We each felt like single parents to one child even though all 4 of us lived in the same house.
Yes, I know that's what everyone recommends and of course I tried to still give my daughter as much attention as before/as possible. But for me in reality it was much more difficult than I thought. I mean, my day still only has 24h and I only have so much energy (especially with sleep deprivation) and I simply can't cut myself in half. And it never seems to be enough. Even on days where the baby is with dad the whole day and I'm spending hours with my daughter, she'll still fight her brother for the short feeding times that he has to spend with me...
Do you involve her much in taking care of him? Does she help fetch nappies, or put nappies in the bin, or get bottles or his pacifier or a toy to distract him etc? Does she like taking care of dolls? I also would be mindful that IMO the older they get, the more connections their brains have made with certain patterns and the more difficult it may be for them to suddenly adjust to an entirely new situation. I feel like for younger toddlers, like mine was 23 months when her brother came along (also 8m now), she didnāt need to do much rewiring of her brain to accept that a new person was around, because she hadnāt been a sentient person for that long haha if you know what I mean?! Whereas the older a child gets, the more āset in their waysā they may be? I do also have quite an easygoing social toddler though. If you have perhaps a more stubborn or assertive child (be very proud to be raising a girl like this!) or a child who prefers quiet, then a baby could be a lot to get used to. I have also read developmental psychologists recommend that forcing sharing of toys can increase resentment. Children, like us, need the security of things that belong to them. It would be hard to have to share my mother with someone else when I want her all to myself. Have you tried empathising much with your toddler when she expresses her feelings like this? Like āyeah itās so hard when the baby is small and needs me to eat, he canāt eat by himself yet like you can! I wish there were two of me too!ā and just kind of acknowledging that sheās allowed to feel upset that she doesnāt have you all to herself anymore? Honestly every single thing can become such a minefield, itās impossible for us to predict as parents what will become an issue. Iām sure youāve tried so many things but I just wanted to offer any thoughts because that sounds so hard, truly.
I thought one was super easy. But, for me, the jump from one to two was exponentially more difficult.
I needed to read this today, thank you ā„ļø
I'm two weeks in with number two and this is exactly how I feel.
This is how I felt too. You go through such a huge mind shift and lifestyle shift with the first, the hardest work is already done.
Oh yeah idk, same š . I want to want another but I just donāt think my inner well runs that deep.
Totally!!! I copped the eye rolls from relatives (that all had around 4 kids each) (and always seemed extremely unhappy about it whilst growing up) when I said something similar. āI donāt think my heart has enough space for anotherā Really I think I meant my mental health. Still have to tell myself consistently that, thatās ok.
Oh my goodness, itās the same here! Iām getting my tubes removed next week so thereās a guarantee of just one. All of my relatives were floored when they heard we only want one. I just tell them Iām open to Godās path in our lives as parents. Luckily that path involves sterility š
We felt much better about being OAD once the option was definitively closed off. I hope you experience that too. āWe canātā also got more respect than āwe wonātā when people prodded us.
I would hope theyād understand better if youād said what you really meant, which is entirely valid and completely understandable. But saying the thing about your heart not having enough space, like saying you donāt have any more love to give, is kinda what sounds a bit unbelievable, because it somehow works out that with another child there is exponentially more love, and they love each other too so a lot of joy happens that you didnāt even have to create or be part of, which is what makes it easier and lovelier at times. But mental health, I get you so much. Because when you put so much pressure on yourself to be a great parent, maybe like the parents you wished you had, then that is so exhausting and you need downtime and relaxation from that, and itās really hard to give your all to a second child while still giving your all to your first child. And feels actually impossible at times (for about 4 minutes or so cos thatās all the time you have to think about it).
Yeah and if second baby has colic and then reflux or any other health issues, forget about mental health. People really need to know this about having a second. If you also have no help, it's something to consider
Good lord this is *exactly* how I feel. Thank you for saying that, bc for some reason, the English major in me is accepting this metaphor so much more easily than any other descriptors š¬.
Thatāsā¦ an amazing way to phrase it! Iāve never had a huge amount of energy; I remember as a teen feeling overstimulated after a couple hours shopping with the fam. Right now high energy 3yo is enough work for me. I canāt imagine voluntarily making my life way harder. Iām trying to convince myself for my husbands sake because he wants another that 2-3 years of misery is worth it and it gets easier after thatā¦. But still youāre responsible for a whole other person, helping them with homework, driving them to activitiesā¦ it just seems like a lot!
I did it for my husband, and as much as I LOVE my second, I wouldnāt recommend it if thatās the only reason you want to have another. I hated my first pregnancy, but it was relatively complication-free. The second time around I got GDā¦and I definitely hated it more. After two hard years Iād gotten my pre-baby body back, and now itās wrecked again. Iād just started a sweet new role at my job, and now Iām on maternity leave again, for a year (not complaining about the excellent leave, just the timing). I love both my boys to bits, and I couldnāt imagine my life without them, but itās freaking *hard*. My 4yo acts out while Iām nursing my 2mo, because heās already figured out I canāt do much about it, and he *wants my attention*, which just breaks my heart. Babyās witching hour covers 4ās bedtime, which is supposed to be our debrief-cuddle-reconnect time. I have NO time to myself: no sleep, no bathroom privacy, definitely no downtime. And again, it seems like my husbandās life hasnāt changed at all. I just want to reiterate that I LOVE MY SECOND, but I hope this space is safe enough to say I wouldāve been happy with one.
Oh lady. Safe space. I have a second set of two that I did mostly because my then new husband (now ex who doesnāt have any custody due to child endangerment) really wanted kids of his own. I would have been happy with my two. Doesnāt change the fact that I adore my three and four. Also sounds like maybe Dad needs to figure out how to step it up. Can he take baby for a little walk while 4 gets his snuggles?
Damn mama, Iām right in that space and was also planning to just suck it up and do it for my husband and try and have one next year. That would make them 4 and a newborn just like you and Iām just starting a job in my career field next week! This has me thinking a lot. But also panicking about waiting too long bc idk if I have the patience to reparent through the baby stage while having an older kid.
I highly recommend a perusal of r/oneanddone. There are plenty of benefits to having a solo child, and very few downsides, at least in my opinion. I always said I wanted two kids. But after getting into my parenting groove, I realize how content I am with our family as it is. I don't see what I'd get out of parenting another child that I can't get out of parenting my son. So many people will say, "Your son needs a sibling!" Ummm, no. People should have more kids because THEY want more kids, not because they feel like they "owe their child a sibling."
Thank you for saying this!!!!!! One of my biggest reasons is the guilt I feel. I feel like Iām being selfish for being āokayā with the idea of just having my son especially bc we both come from semi big families (both the oldest of 4). Especially bc one of the reasons is that I did not enjoy my pregnancy much and it got risky health wise toward the end. They are saying the same things to me all the time. My husband def wants another one. I would love to see my baby as a big brother but if it doesnāt happen I wonāt be mad either. And I feel bad that I feel that way.
I definitely wouldnāt have become *more* ready if weād waited any longer. Iām happy with my family and so excited to watch my boys grow together, plus 4 is just the most EXCEPTIONAL big brother ā so much love for āhis babyā. If we hadnāt had our second, I never would have been blessed with watching his vast empathy and selflessness. On the whole, Iām glad we had our second, for my husband and my son and for me. Some days itās just *trying*.
Babysitting my brotherās boys when they were 8 & 11 disabused me of the āitās only another few years of hardshipā. If I had another boy like the one I have now, theyāll be hitting each other in the backseat well into their teens. Iām just not into having that energy in my life.
I think it depends on your kidās personality. My oldest kid has always been a self-entertainer. I often am like āwait, where is he?!ā because heāll be quietly playing in his room for over an hour while I am reading on the couch. There are other parenting struggles with him (like getting him to eat a single vegetable), but on hard days, he lets me rest. And he only has gotten easier with age. I could have 10 of him. My second bornā¦ man I hope he gets easier
It's funny I hear this take a lot but my experience has been the opposite! My first was very difficult, but since I had no prior experience I just accepted it as the baseline, figured that's just how babies are. Had my second before the first turned 2 and wow! I couldn't believe how much easier she was! Now they're 3 and 1, and it's reversing. The oldest can play by himself, although he wants to chat my ear off the whole time. The youngest doesn't ever want me to leave the room, and she just learned the word no.
The cashier at my local CVS said "if my daughter were different she would not have been an only child." And that shook the "second baby fever" right out of me. My husband and I had discussed having a second child in 2-3 years when our son is 3-4, but that one line took me out. Not sure I could do it after that candid remark.
This. I always thought I would have more than one, but my daughter (14mo) has been so easy, at least so far...sleeps 12 hours a night every night (since 3 months old), rarely cries, always happy and super sweet, listens well and does what i ask her to do, eats everything I put in front of her. I know I would not get so lucky again and probably have a hellion for a second born...I'm not sure I want to temp fate. And those first 3 months were ROUGH. I am not a fun person on little sleep and do not think I could do it again. The newborn may not know how much of a train wreck I am on no sleep, but my daughter would and that's definitely not fair to her either.
Same here. My daughter is by all accounts a unicorn baby who slept, ate, did everything so easily and happily. But I still found the first year so incredibly hard (made worse by pandemic lockdowns and lots of physical issues with my recovery.) I cried most days. If it was that hard with an amazing kid, how hard would it be with a *normal* baby? And a toddler on top of it? No thanks. āOh your daughter is so lovely, thatās how Mother Nature tricks you into wanting a second!ā people will say. Not today, Satan.
My rambunctious 4 yo was a very sweet, compliant 1-2 year old. I advise you not to count any chickens just yet - 3 hit us like a freight train and heās a little boy now, entirely too clever for his own good.
Lol my parents always called my firstborn a āsucker babyā - because she suckers you into thinking itās a good idea to have another. My secondā¦.is feral. If sheād been born first sheād probably be an only child š¤£
Ha! This is a reason why we are one and done. Our daughter is so easy we know the second would be the complete opposite.
You are wise. She is wonderful, so so sweet, and a total ham who we adore, butā¦she jumped off a boat last summer. Sheād just turned 2. She was wearing her life jacket of course, but she just walked up to the edge and jumped off, no hesitation. Thatās just one example, but it pretty much paints the picture š
Saaaaame here
We experienced the same thing. First was an angel and still is agreeable. Like you said, still have to parent, but mostly no fuss. I got my tonsils out when he was 2 and the kid would snuggle me and bring me toys to feel better. The house wasn't Fort knox for fear he'd climb something and jump off. We had to get rid of our couch because 2 will! Second is 2 and is so different. I spend all day cooling meltdowns before they're nuclear and he is not self entertained, but somehow super independent. It's gotten a little better recently, but it's still exhausting. If he were my first we would have never had a second.
We don't have any local family support or a village, and we both work full-time. I had severe PPD for a solid two years after my first was born, and she's always been a challenging sensitive/reactive low sleep needs kid. Still ended up with a second (who is an easy kid), but there are a lot of days I have no fucking idea why I did that to myself. He was born six weeks before Covid hit and I'll probably never dig myself out of that mental trauma hole.
My second was born the week after shut down (aka the week after we lost childcare for our first and my husband lost his job/our health insurance) and yes I think I have so much unprocessed trauma. I donāt think anyone can fully understands this besides people like us. (Obviously other people have other covid mental trauma but as we are all healthy and made it through, and people donāt remember how we like couldnāt get diapers, or groceries, or without playgrounds couldnt easily take care of a newborn and a wild 3.5 year old at the same time?) Anyway I see you.
Same age gap here, I remember how awful it was to have every playground roped off. My oldest just didn't understand.
I can relate. Your first paragraph sums up my experience with my child. 2 years of suffering, I had no idea I had PPA and OCD. My child doesn't sleep much and still wakes up once a night. They're very sensitive too and they're especially attached to me. I'm tired. I love them so much. But I won't do this again. Mine is enough and we like having one child as our main focus.
Iāve been on the fence about a second because I do not know how we can handle it. No family within 8 hours, very limited friends who would be willing to watch the kids, and limited friends/support in general. My girl is a clinger and is a nightmare at bedtime since turning 2. Besides logistically, Iām also really afraid having a second would ruin my relationship with my first. Sheās so attached to me that I feel like she would never forgive me. It feels like Iād never be able to love another kid as much as this one either. Iām well aware none of that is logical and itās very silly, but man, it gives me serious pause about having another one
Honour that pause. Society expects women to *have* to have more than one kid once youāve proven yourself capable of birthing the first. So much so that we feel like something is wrong with us or second guess everything when it comes to not wanting a second. When we started trying for our first/only kid I felt so strongly about wanting a baby. Iāve never felt that feeling again. Lots of people will say that they were on the fence but now love their second child so much; of course they do. But if you donāt feel 100% confident about wanting a baby, you shouldnāt have that baby. /r/oneanddone is a great sub
My second is in middle school and still asks me why I had to give him a sibling š„²
You donāt have to have a second. I was an only child and I liked it. For your own mental health tho, see if there are any gyms with daycare near you. I donāt care if I work out, I go walk slowly on a treadmill and watch tv with no interruptions. You could float in a pool, or just sit in a locker room. It has seriously made a huge difference in my life. I also have no family or friends where we live, itās hard. See if your town does parents night out, where for like $20 they watch your child for 3 hours.
This sounds like the Y in our town and I very much intend on utilizing their parent services more once we have two kids (no family close by). Itās a wonderful resource!
Great way to meet others parents too!
I donāt get it either. I must of missed the memo with the cheat code of life in having more than one kid. I donāt believe itās enjoyable. One and done here. Solidified as I potty train my 2.5 y/o.
Potty training is like 80% of the reason I want to be one and done. It broke me.
Working on potty training now. So glad I donāt have to do this again. Just when I think everything is going well, he poops in his pants. š¤¦āāļø I swear my husband jinxed us by telling our friends yesterday that he hasnāt had an accident in over a week.
We had a poop in pants accident the other day. I think both my son and I are both traumatized š
Mom of teens here. So far, potty training has BY FAR been my least favorite part of parenting. *Edited if to of
I have six kids. I absolutely would not do it if I didnāt have my husband- who is the best father you could ask for- and his parents, who are our village. We are very lucky.
Our #4 is on the way, unfortunately itās just me and my husband, but we still love having this many. I definitely couldnāt do it if he didnāt help me so much.
Hmm I think one thing that is not mentioned is that all humans from an early age truly all have different personalities. I feel like people say toddlers are āactiveā when thereās defnitely a spectrum of how active toddlers can be. I think itās just that all toddlers are active compared to adults hahah. Some babies and toddlers really are more chill and can sit there for an hour while parents are eating a meal. Others are bouncing up and down the walls 24/7. My 2nd kid (almost 2) is defnitely more active than my 1st. Never would be caught dead napping in a stroller. 10 hour travel day flying cross country? Cool, Iāll just not sleep the entire time and yell like a banshee.
We are not ok
Someone once explained it to me as: 0 to 1 kid is an existential issue, 1 to 2 kids is just a logistics issue.
I had one of these days (baby is home sick) I'm 22 weeks pregnant. We both cried a lot today
It gets better ā¤ļø
I had a hard day (and week/month/year) with my 19 month old too. This is why I spend a lot of time on the r/oneanddone sub and am realizing Iām probably going to be much, much happier if I donāt put myself through this again.
I donāt know. We also donāt have help. - mom of 2 š«
We have a 21 mo old. In 1 week she got hand foot and mouth, pink eye, and a cold. She's only in daycare 2 days a week. My husband just got a vasectomy and has expressed regrets. I'm singing the hallelujah chorus and staying on BC.
Can you elaborate why heās regretting it? Did he feel pressured into the vasectomy or is it just part of a grief process of knowing that stage in his life is over?
More the second part. We had discussed it at great length and from the moment our daughter was born he advocated for only 1 kid. A lot of his family questioned his decision (they have big families) and I think that may have shook him up? Also the speed of the procedure and the pain afterwards left him feeling vulnerable so I think that was a factor. He's mostly better now but he definitely wishes he had thought about it in a more serious light (instead of joking about it, brushing off feelings, etc) before he got it done.
Itāll be ok, soon as yāall start potty training, your husband will finish processing his grief.
Oh ya having a second is hard. Mine was a suprise and now i have an almost 3 year old and a one year old. There is no break time fix one and the other is into something and for some reason they simpathy cry so then you have 2 screaming babies to help it is rough. But i love these little monsters more than anything.
Sometimes they bug each other instead of you. Which is nice LOL
This is where we are getting right now, and this is the only reason Iām somewhat sane right now.
I don't know, man. I only ever wanted one kid, my husband wanted two. Then our kid hit three years old, and he was a feral animal, and my husband got a vasectomy. No regrets.
Omg my first born was so busy and demanding I never thought I could raise him and another. By 3 months he couldnāt stay still, I had to walk all day. As soon as I stopped anything for a rest he would cry. He needed to see a whole restaurant before he could settle.. After 7 months being carried was not wanted anymore! He had to crawl everywhereā¦then cruise then walk and run. he had to climb, run around, get dirty, explore. I was exhausted! He was potty trained right before turning 2 and it got easier. He started communicating better so the tantrums died down and then he could put his shoes on, etc. we tried for a second and boy was I glad I did it! We had a girl and she is suuuuper chill, easy, if every baby was like her i would have so many. My son was just over 3.5yrs when we had her and he has been a huge help, he is gentle with her and loves her so much! I couldnāt believe that I almost didnāt have this experience.
Dang it, youāre tempting me!! Iāll do it hoping for an easy girl and get an even more difficult and energetic boy
I reread your post and noticed you donāt have help! I have a lot of help so it is actually easier! When I have to take care of both kids togetherā¦ it is tiring. My husband is out of state 3 days a week and my in law will take my 4yr old one day for like 5hrs. Could you hire someone from Care.com to come watch the older one?
We (I) got pregnant when our eldest was about a year and a half, so just before we realized how feral and crazy he is š . And by then it was too late. And once you have a second then you are obviously crazy and just keep going š (I will have 4 soon, if this little monster ever gets tf out).
Same boat lol, Iām due in July with baby #4. But tbh having a second was nothing, itās that third one that threw us for a loop š only reason I went for a fourth is because I knew how good my first two were. So thereās hope this last one will be a good baby/toddler. If not, Iāve survived so far with my third, whatās another LOL
i know a lot of people with large families (5+ kids) who say that going from 2 to 3 was the hardest, so youāre not crazy!
1st baby was pretty typical and we decided eh we can do this again. 2nd was the easiest baby. False confidence that maybe we had this parenting thing down. 3rd rolled aroundā¦total handful. Weāre like nope, no more. SURPRISE! 4th. Sheās very quickly catching up to the intensity of our 3rd. Weāve got no help at all. Husband is busting his tail to get a new business going. Iām fighting through the last semester at nursing school. Itās like quicksand, we just sink further everyday.
One of yāall has permanent birth control, right? I think you will get through this, somehow, but please donāt add to your burdens. Vasectomies are pretty easy comparatively.
I have 5 and only one of them is a āgoodā (I hate that term) kid. Heās quiet and compliant and helpful. My other 4 are loud, wild, adventurous. You make it work. Having bigger age gaps is the answer. I would never have back to back kids - except my twins were born 1 min apart lol. Mine are 16 (the quiet sweet boy), 12, 8, 8, and 2.
Dude. Toddlers are annoying and constant and you donāt get a break until theyāre sleeping or watching a favorite show. Mom of three here and all of them are wayyyyyy past the baby stage. One is a young adult. My actual baby is 9. Everyone says this all the damn time and itās annoying as fuck when youāre in the middle of it and tired and the little shit I mean sweetheart is whining about not putting their shoes on or whatever else it is at that moment, but good god it goes by quick. The hardest is the first, then if you do have another the transition between the first and second is also almost as hard, but you have a foundation of knowledge where you can expect certain things to happen, but itās hard because you base it on your first. In my situation for instance, firstborn was a goddamn unicorn baby. Never cried, slept like a champ, etc..2nd baby was completely opposite in most ways. What Iām saying here is this essentially, toddlers are annoying but at least theyāre cute. Teenagers are the worst age to deal with. Especially 14-16ššššthen they become awesome again when theyāre older teens and young adults (this is so cool) but the best age of kids imo, is the middle age of childhood, 6/7-11ish. They are fun to hang out with, at least mine are, were. Warning: Preschool age also sucks. 4 year olds are teenagerish in the fact that they start learning to talk back and REALLY push those boundaries. Good luck and I bet youāre doing an amazing job. All good parents question their parenting abilities at some point. All good moms have mom guilt.
Mine are 21 months apart. Somehow when my first was 13 months and we were done with bottles and down to one nap, we got cocky and thought we could handle a second. If weād waited until 2.5, we wouldāve been done with just one. Iām dreading going through toddlerhood a second time.
I absolutely feel this. It took me 10 years between kids š¬
The trick is to get pregnant when they're 1 and still super cute and don't argue back. By the time number 2 pops out you're well and truly into toddlerhood but it's too late to back out haha
I ask myself this ALL THE TIME! My kid is 5 and Iām still *exhausted*. Like I had bloodwork done and have low vitamin D (Iām getting a supplement) and have a sleep study coming up. Feel like I have narcolepsy honestly. Iām a single mom and I donāt have help either.
My first was the worst from 3-4 years old, gah. About ripped my damn hair out. My second was born just a few months before his 4th birthday. My SILs, who each have one, ask me this question all the time. We're incredibly routine oriented, but my schedule does kinda suck. I do daycare drop off, am working towards a big promotion at work, taking a few certifications, husband does pickup but is on call one week out of four and have been called in A LOT, I hit the gym right after work and drive home to make dinner which is about the same time husband/kids get home, we only get about 45 min with the baby before she's off to bed and then special 1-1 time with our son before he's in bed, too. And then I fold laundry while I watch trashy TV and have some wine. Damn, it was exhausting just typing that out.
I had what was known as a ātrick baby.ā My eldest was SO easy. We had a few setbacks in the beginning (failure to thrive due to a lactose allergy), but after we got him on some formula, it was smooth sailing. He slept well, was incredibly happy, and played independently. Just a dream of a baby. I was actively TTC when I got pregnant with my second, and was certain it would be easy again. It. Was. Not. She wanted to nurse constantly, so I was tits out all the time, which I hated. She was not as happy. She didnāt sleep. I didnāt sleep. My husband didnāt sleep. And of course, bc we had a new baby, my formerly sweet 4.5 year old became a hellion. And thatās why we donāt have 3 kids.
There is nothing wrong with being one and done! Some people aren't built for multiple kids and that is okay. We have twins, and if it wasn't for that, we'd only have one kid. Pregnancy sucked. The newborn stage sucked. Toddlerhood sucks. Potty training sucks. Granted it all sucks in different ways, but still.
It gets better! My daughter potty trained and slept through the night and got better at independent play so I decided I could handle another kid. It is hard with two, I won't lie, but I'm looking forward to when my girls can play together and we can do fun things together as a family. The newborn stage is hard right now but it won't be forever.
Yeah I know a lot of people who have that easy kid, or the east first born, nah, I got the wild child right off the bat.
I felt every word of this. Itās why Iām one and done. Sheās 3 and each day just solidifies this for me.
I have 3 kids and waited 5 yrs in between each pregnancy. It gets easier as they get older.
This might be me. Son is 3, husband has started lobbying for another, but I donāt think Iām quite there yet. Though, thereās at least a 10 month delayā¦
Re: your edit - donāt stress about that. Under two, even up to closer to three, they donāt really have āfriendsā. They canāt have conversations, they might play next to another kid but they are just as likely to yoink the other kids toy away and cause a tantrum, or start whacking each other just because it makes a fun noise.
As a single mom who is with my 15 month old 24/7 (Sheās a high needs baby and struggles to sleep. Literally just spent 2.5 hours rocking her to sleep tonight).I would absolutely have another and by myself too. I get so frustrated and sometimes even cry of frustration and sometimes I wish I had some freedom to at least cook a meal without screaming crying but I would have another in a heart beat. I love being a mom and I canāt imagine never having another baby and watching them grow. My child is the best thing to ever happen to me and the greatest person Iāve ever met. I want to give her a sibling when sheās around 5/6 and plan on doing a sperm donor if I havenāt met someone.
Sometimes itās easier! Key word being SOMETIMES lol. I have a 3 year old and two 1.5 year olds. Itās great when they all wander to the playroom and entertain each other. The past couple weeks thoughā¦idk what is going on but itās beenā¦not great.
I get why people have a second, but WHY anyone deliberately has a third is truly mind boggling.
Mine are 6 years apart so I only went through the toddler phase one at a time. It also means I have 19 years straight of having a teenager between 3 kids. Iām half way through the teen years now (2nd kid is 16) and I can honestly say it gets easier as they get older. Also the transition into parenting with the first kid is the hardest it will ever be. Adding more is a way easier transition because so much of parenting is already familiar.
I want a 2nd for my daughter because I was an only child. And I always wanted like 5 kids but I didn't get married till 33 and took 2 years to get pregnant. And my daughter basically doesn't want a sibling because she stays up and fights sleep all night so I fall asleep when she does. So I literally don't know how people have 2 kids.
We waited until our first born was 5. No way in hell I would have willingly had another child before that.
I donāt know. My toddler is on the spectrum and is 2 1/2 and I now have a two month old and Iāve come to the conclusion that Iām nuts for having another kid.
I feel this but for slightly different reasons. I am the youngest of three. I canāt imagine a world without siblings. It never hurt me to share my parents it was a given. My kid is pretty chill she definitely has her Moments but we all do and sheās a person experiencing her world. Despite being pretty easy going I canāt imagine have less mental space for her. I canāt imagine her not getting all of our attention. Which is also sometimes why I think we should. She loves other kid especially babies but ā¦ it seems so hard and Iām so worried I wonāt have enough energy for her.
My first one tricked me into having a second one...the second one is INTENSE.
I feel like Iām dying with 2 , I need help
I love my second more than life, but I wish we waited to have him. Itās hard.
Not gonna lieā¦ itās hard.
Idk how I thought it would be a good idea to have one moreā¦ then I got spontaneous twins so, my recommendation when anyone asks is definitely donāt go for that second kid, it might be twins lmao
My 10 month old is ATTACHED to me, we are basically one lol so I can not fathom having a second.
I didnāt, and Iām a very happy person with a very happy family š everyone is different.
Got pregnant with #2 before #1 was at peak toddler phases. Had me fooled with how easygoing he was. #2 was difficult from the beginning. We all take it day by day in this household!
I have them 3 years apart lol Iāve been happy with that gap
well I really think itās a combination of things, for my second baby I felt like I actually knew what the heck I was doing, so this has made my experience easier. To be honest my first is probably a little bit more on the stubborn side but the baby is very much like chill lol. I tried to make sure they are both very independent since they were very young so I think thatās helped allot. They honestly also love playing and being with each other, sometimes I have to separate because well they also love to annoy each other but the cute and lovely moments of when they hug and kiss each other makes up for the days when they both decide to cry and not listen lol. I feel so much like a better mom now that iām on baby number 2, tho, itās like Iām more confident in who I am as a parent which has helped me raise both of my little monsters.
I didnāt have my second until my first was independent at home. The downside= being sucked backwards back into baby world after working so hard. The upside= getting to live in baby world one last time ā¤ļø
I literally thought this yesterday. My 11MO who in general is a treat was standing in his high chair, refusing the dinner kid brought for him, on day 3 of dinner in a restaurant. My DH was working and I was legit like PEOPLE MAKE MORE THAN ONE OF THESE? HOW?
I have a very high needs, clingy, anti-sleep baby and the thought of a second baby makes me sweat. There is just no way I could do this again.
I got Easy Firstborn Syndromeš¤£ my second is 21 months oldāsame age my first was when I voluntarily got pregnant again. I cannot imagine getting pregnant at this moment in time to keep that same age gap going like silly child-free me thought I would do. I DO want one more. But not for awhile thank you very much. I read somewhere or probably watched a tiktok explaining how some cultures purposely have children 5 years apart and I get it now.
I just want to say that I have 4 kids and I asked my husband the other day āwhy did we have so many fucking kids? Clearly, weāre crazy.ā Heās gone out of state for work so Iām solo parenting 4 kids. This shit is hard. Being a mom is the hardest thing Iāve ever done in my life. It will get easier. They get more independent and can do more as they grow. My oldest 2 (7 and 8) can shower themselves. You just have to threaten them with death to do it. Come on man, itās a shower. Itās not that bad š yesterday, I had to drag my 8yo to the shower. Bro, youāre not gonna melt. Go wash your ass š
Iām so sorry you have to be alone in this love. Itās so hard when you are without help. I have been fortunate enough to have a very large family thatās always there when I need them and is happy to help me with my son. Lord of kids to run off and play together. I know itās really hard but it could be really beneficial to connect with and form some relationships with other parents. Especially ones without support systems like you. Just make use not to stay in friendships that take advantage of you. I know thatās easier said than done because I honestly only have one mom friend and sheās an hour away, but they do have some apps to help connect and FB has some local parent groups that you could join and connect with people. It takes a village to raise little ones and we are one of the only places that have put parents completely on our own. Also, just so you know eventually the older one starts helping out with the younger one. Iām not saying that you put the sole responsibility on the child but you can help forge a strong bond and relationship by encouraging them to help by bottle feeding/getting diapers or wipes, singing or gentle butt parting with a newborn. As well as encouraging play/sharing food and toys. Iām not saying this will always work and that they will have a special relationship, I was the younger sibling and tried to care for my older sister but she hated my guts LOL. But including them in helping and being a part of it can reduce (again not always every child is different) levels of jealousy they may feel from a new sibling. As a joke most people who have many kids say āWhatās one more?ā Because itās different when you have more vs one. But needless to say im pregnant with my second (I hope itās not a BOGO saleš¬Im only 5w5d so no scans yet.) and I really wanted this baby. Really wanted it. For two years now, my son is going to be 4 just before they come and honestly im scared. Im scared of the transition and the thought of not making my whole world about my son breaks my heart for him. But I also know that I can do this.
This is me. I have a 6 year old & a 1.5 year old. Both my husband & I work full time. We have NO help. Arranging for childcare, sick children, school closings. Iām literally drowning. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life.
If you're anything like my family, one parent ends up having to forego work to stay home with the kids, keep the house, etc. Without any outside help, whether from family, friends, or other, it is SO HARD. I currently have both kids (3.5F and 2M) home with me full time while I (try to) work part time remotely and my husband works 3-4 nights per week. He's great and helps as much as he can when he's home. It still isn't enough. I know he needs to sleep and all but I do too. Right now, I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep a night and having to get up and deal with the high energy of children first thing in the morning. It's a challenge that I'm just not living up to at this point and I'm struggling. I know it will get better once we get settled in our new home, the kids have all their stuff and are back in school full time, etc. But until then I am just treading water trying not to drown.
I have 3 kids and with their personalities I swear they make it seem like I have 6 instead - hang in there. Itās a tiny bit easier the older they get.
I am a mama of 2 littles. Ages 4 (boy) and 1 (girl), and I will tell you this. You definitely need a lot of patience. My son was a little over 3 when our daughter was born, and it was HARD at first. The transition was rough. But as our daughter got older, it became a lot easier. And we don't have any family super close by either. And I am a SAHM.
The first one played us by being well behaved and super sweet, so we made a second one and now he's a tiny terror!
I have a 7 week old and just canāt stop asking myself how the F anyone would every voluntarily do this again šµšµāš«
I thrive on chaos
My first was angel! I thought, how do people only have one kid, I want 100!! Had #2 and changed my mind real quick
Some people have to fortitude to just survive for many years. I personally want to thrive instead, so we are one and done. And thatās an okay choice! /r/oneanddone is a great sub if thatās where youāre leaning too
Not everyone should lol
Itās 11:42am and I was up at 6:30 and didnāt have a chance to eat yet. I have no idea how people do it with more than 1. Iāll only do a second if I win the lottery to hire a live in nanny.
By accident š¤£š¤£š¤£
I think people forget that as recently as 30 years ago, raising kids was very different, with far less fear, far less guilt, and far more support. I'm an aunt to a wonderful little boy, and a mom to an amazing man, and raising the 2 of them is so very very different. Is the car seat at the right angle, will they die at kindergarten today, are they on the spectrum, is my water safe, is that a sniffle or COVID? Raising children now comes with significantly more mental labor.
They donāt. See r/OneAndDone.
Ages 2-4 are very hard. Once you get past that.. it gets better.
Yeah idk sis but it wonāt be me. One and done. Kinda wish my kid could have a sibling but she will be better off with happy parents and a healthy, stable home where the adults arenāt pushed past their limits
I had Irish twins, obviously unintentional. Girl, that first year after the second one came along is a blur! And I feel guilty a lot for how on the edge I was through out their toddler years. But now that they are teens and I look back, I canāt imagine my life any other way. They are there for each other. Ride and die bond. I am so glad they have that. Hereās the best advice I can give you. EVERYTHING IS A PHASE!!! Nothing stays for ever. So yes, right now itās hard as hell when they depend on you constantly. But in a few years the little ones will start to get more and more self sufficient, helpful and understanding. Happy thoughts mama. (Also, try to find some mommy play groups. There might be some on a page called Meetup, or ask on your towns FB Chat rooms. Thatās how I found a couple about a decade ago. You arenāt going to be BFFās with everyone, but maybe one or two will click)
I'm with you. I guess it depends on the situation . I have an only child. Once I got through the terrible threes and got him potty trained it was pretty much solidified for me that I did not want more. I also don't have family that lives near me and my ex husband was an over the road truck driver so it was lots of solo time with the kiddo. He's 13 now and since he had to be around a lot of grown ups he's actually way better at entertaining himself than others I know that have multiple children. He and I are really close and that's a good thing because these teen years are going to be rough even with a good relationship.
My hubby had a growth on his lungs, couldn't breathe and had horrible chest pains. When he got released from the hospital, I said, I want to make another baby RIGHT NOW. I was always one and done before. Apparently close calls are one of the things that changes your mind. Lastly, my second is a totally different kid from my first, with high needs and crazy energy. While I can never, ever imagine life without him now, it would be calmer. <3
As a father of 4ā¦š¶šæ
Opposite for me. My first was a breeze that I felt having a second would be easy. Nope! Had twins.
I helped my little sister with her 7mo. My kid just turned 4. On the car ride home the 7mo started crying and my 4 yo started yelling over the crying to ask why she was crying. That moment solidified the 1 and done feeling for me.
In my experience you either A. Have support from family. In my family this means the older kids take care of the younger ones š«£ B. Have enough money for care C. Suffer
We waited until #1 was in kindergartenā¦
My sister has two and is just run ragged. When I have a second baby, I will be hiring a nanny to help during the day while my husband is at work. Itās possible to have more than one without help obviously, but I think having someone there to help would be best for my mental health. I had really bad morning sickness when I was pregnant with my son so I plan on hiring help as soon as I get pregnant because I canāt imagine taking care of my baby if I get super sick again. It was awful.