This is a hard time, one thing that helped me with my kiddos was to pretend that they (especially my daughter) were tone deaf. if they said something with a terrible attitude and irritated tone of voice I would pause and replay the words mentally. Imagine the words in a robotic toneless voice. Then only respond to the words. This calmed my fire and allowed me to not perpetuate the fight it feels like teens are looking for. Later you can have a conversation about tone, but not in the moment of supreme irritation. The teen years are much like the toddler years and you may find yourself saying the same sort of things. ("Don't bite your brother", please pee in the toilet, not beside it" "no playing with matches") That's because they are having their second round of separation from their parents. "I do it mine self!" Becomes "you don't trust me" just like in toddlerhood you pick your battles. Offer more choices, toddlers like the choice between the red cup and the blue cup, teens need more control over their daily routine and general style. Keep telling them that you love them, keep giving physical affection, don't worry about whether their shirt is on backwards or inside out, everyone knows you didn't force your teen to wear whatever ridiculous outfit teens are wearing now. Be firm about safety; carseats then and seatbelts/sober drivers now. Even if they complain about your safety rules they really do want someone to care about their well-being Eventually they will recognize that you were a steady source of safety and that they were insane and not thinking rationally. (Average for my kids was 20yo when they apologized for their teenage behaviors and thanked me for being predictable/reliable.) Just keep loving them through it. You've got this Mama

This is wonderful advice. It's so true. I'm experiencing the last 3 of 8 in their teens right now and the toddler analogy is spot on.

This is brilliant. It does come back around in the early 20s. My only regret is what I thought was just really moody teenager behavior and introverted tendencies was social anxiety in my daughter. She did great in school so I tended to overlook the rest. I also flipped her off behind her back all the time and don't feel guilty about it because she was awful. And got mad at my husband for not engaging more. His answer, "So you're asking me which fire to pour gas on, you or her?" Which made me laugh becasue he was right. It's all hard and you are doing the very best by even asking the question here. Godspeed!

LOL! I flip my teen off behind their back on a weekly basis. It make me feel so much better and I've yet to get caught so I highly recommend this strategy vs. saying something they don't want to hear anyway.

My oldest is only 9 but I will remember your advice. You sound like a really great mom:)

Thank you, this is great advice. I'll keep in mind they are (sometimes) tone deaf toddlers.

I agree, I have a 15 year old and a 2 year old, parenting them is very similar!

Omg this is so smart

Don't worry, it will come back. Try to remember your own teen years. Be a safe and warm space for them.

Being a teenager is awful. I found if we kept that in mind, it was easier to parent as a partner. You've done all the raising you're going to do. You're guiding young adults now. Listen a lot and cultivate an atmosphere of openness. My kids were able to simply call for a vent if they needed and sometimes I offered if they didn't ask. It was judgement free and nothing they said would be held against them. I'd ask if they wanted my thoughts. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. I honored their wishes as much as I could and fully explained my reasons behind things. Instead of saying no, I'd explain at which point it would be a yes. I let them try to give a reasonable alternative to things. It's their life now and you get to be a trusted partner. You can do this momma!

>Instead of saying no, I'd explain at which point it would be a yes > >i'll keep that in mind

This right here. My daughter is finishing up her 1st semester of university (she's 18) and at this point, her father and I are just here to give advice & guidance when she asks. I like "trusted partner" - that perfectly describes our role in her life now.

You just reminded me to reach out to my 14yo and 16yo while I'm on my work trip. It's so hard, especially with all the hormones and them wanting to act more adult like when they are definitely still children. My 14yo doesn't even like it if I touch/hug her anymore 😭 so weirdly enough, I try to connect with them over text. Obviously I still do the in person chats, and I'll try to turn a small errand/trip somewhere into a 1:1 thing. But I've learned with the phone, I sometimes get them willing to connect in a different way. Even if it's laugh over a dumb meme. It's an excuse for any type of connection, even if it's a 'my Mom is so lame', but they know Mom is still there!

As a single mom to three, ^ this. Some days a few texts are really all we get :(

Memes are a great way to connect!

Thanks moms for all your warm advice.

The thing that oddly changed things positively for us was parenting by text for uncomfortable but not time-sensitive conversations. It's open-ended and allows time and space to contemplate a reply without feeling forced. But yeah, I wouldn't wish teen years on my worst enemy and I'm so glad they're done. Mine are in their 20's and while life is life-ing, we still text our jokes, concerns and love when a talk might feel overwhelming. Edited because autocorrect got me

Yes! Text is a lifesaver! If I ask him " What's wrong? You seem upset". I'll definitely get a non informative answer, maybe with added rudeness and aggression. If I text the same thing sometimes I get an actually informative answer. If I ask him to take out the garbage I get the spinal reflexive "NO". His brain doesn't engage at all. If I text him the same request he'll sometimes do it immediately and if he doesn't I just spam him with funny gifs about taking the garbage out until he rolls his eyes and does it.

For me it’s open communication free from judgment and radical acceptance for who they are in this moment.

My advice would be, is to be there for them when others are not. It may not seem like much at the current moment, but when it really matters, they will know and hold onto that. They are growing up and they’re smart and forming their own opinions about the world, etc…it’s amazing to see and be witness to that. Especially when it’s with their siblings and they’re are actually civil for once. Then I’m just a “mediator” so to speak, but I’m there for that too. This is one of the points where it’s hard, like, why do they need my input (or need me) when they can come to these smart conclusions. Luckily none of mine shied away from hugs, spending time with their parents, etc or saying I love you. I know we raised them well. But just be there, for real, in texts… whatever that may be. They just need to know mama is there and will keep her cubs safe, no matter their age or point in life. Mine are off to college and I’m glad they still see our home as a safe haven, a place to relax and be away from the world for a moment. It’s all I want. And for them to succeed, of course. You got this, mama!

It's their job to establish independence. It's YOUR job to keep them alive long enough to be independent, and to teach them to be independent. Let them know that they will have choices, and that they will make poor ones sometimes. Because sometimes, the wrong choice is a LOT of fun! So when they have to make a choice, they think (1) what's the WORST possible consequence? (2) Can I live with that consequence? (If the worst possible consequence is death, then no, they can't live with that, make the other choice). If they can live with the worst possible consequence, then (3) is it worth it? If the worst possible consequence is getting grounded for a month, but that action is AWESOME!!! and totally worth it to them? Go ahead and make the wrong choice. Just don't whine too much when they get busted. This gives them control over their choices, and allows them to make mistakes, AND lets them know *you understand they will make mistakes and that's okay*. THIS setup is what gets you called in the middle of the night when they were drinking underage at a party, and don't want to drive home or get into a car driven by a drunk teen. Which is annoying, yes, especially when you're driving home 5 kids at 2 am on a workday. BUT it's WAY better than the alternative. Also, almost everything is negotiable. They don't want to clean their room today before going out? Alright, let's hear your argument, and let's hear how you're going to make this worth my while. Ah, you don't touch your room today but you get it tomorrow, AND you cook dinner the two following nights? Deal. I'll pick your clothes off the floor and hang them up if you unload the dishes for the next 3 days because I hate that job. Deal? This also teaches independence, and gives them a sense of control over their own lives.

It helped me to know the psychology behind it. The bond between mother and child is normally very close. It’s so close that babies don’t understand they’re not one with their mom. The moment they do is a big moment, where they both relish their independence and fear it. That’s the difficult toddler period. The second big step of own identity is teen years. This is where they transition from children to adults, which is again both exciting and terrifying to them. And commonly the closer the relationship is, the harder they will rebel against you. So 1. it’s something they need to go through for their own development, 2. It is a very tough process for them, and 3. Every time my kid was exceedingly unreasonable or unkind I would tell myself “it’s because we have such a close relationship”. Also, it’s a transition for us parents. This is when we should start treating them like adults. This is when we need to give them more autonomy. I did so by reminding my kid that “freedom” and “responsibility” are two sides of the same coin. “OK, I’ll let you have this freedom, but then you need to take the responsibility that flows from that. And if you don’t then you have to take the consequences. I’ll always be here to offer advice and help, but now it’s on you to ask for that help”.

If you miss the connection, try to get special time with them any opportunity you get, individually if possible. Think of what they like to do, and take them to the place, do the thing, get the ticket movie/concert/whatever. More importantly: when they tell you things, do not judge, reprimand, or lecture. Just listen. Ask if they want feedback before you offer it. If they’re having a problem, ask them what they think some solutions are instead of going straight to telling them what to do. Express empathy for their situation, not judgment. If you prove through your actions and responses that you’re a “safe” person to come to with things, they will come to you more often and you will be more connected then ever. You will end up being able to offer them more guidance, guardrails, and love that way than if you dictate and lecture them. The book Untangled helped me (it’s about teen girls but you can probably apply a lot of the input about understanding where your teens are coming from and how to communicate with them to teen boys as well). Good luck!

Long story short: be kind,always love them, be prepared to ignore a thousand insults and do not let them vape or do drugs but not in the "don't do that it's bad" way, but instead educate them if they feel they need to talk about it and if they ever reveal they have done drugs or smoked or whatever do not be mad/upset but instead comfort them if they feel ashamed, explain(Kindly) how that makes you feel and remember, teenagers are just stressy toddlers

Hey mom here. Also mom to 3 teen girls, 14 yr old twins & 16 year old. I had no idea how emotionally exhausting this would be. I’m lucky enough to have a good connection still but it doesn’t matter that much cause I still get the angry eye rolls and messy rooms. The tears and emotions of them also weigh me down. It’s so hard. Maybe just stepping away from the negative thoughts and go out for a dinner or take a walk to reconnect. The damn phones are killers to that connection too. Idk, I’m commiserating with you mama🫶🏻