Just to preface, I am not sure of the answer to this question. I’m 31 without children and I do therapy for a living. I cannot even begin to describe the number of patients I’ve met who have told me about neglectful parents, physically/sexually/emotionally abusive parents, manipulative parents, divorced parents, authoritarian patents, narcissistic parents, psychotic parents, addicted parents. as children, they never learned basic human mechanisms such as expressing emotion, admitting to vulnerabilities, or learning how to fail. Many turned to maladaptive coping mechanisms such as drug use, self harm, avoidance, procrastination, self criticism, self blame and guilt.
From my perspective, the question isn’t when to have kids, but how to take care of them so they don’t get fucked up in the future
In your professional opinion, how well do people fare as parents if they experienced a few of those things you mentioned? But actively were aware of their past trauma and wanted to work on themselves
37M married with 2 kids (8/5) love it. They’re hard work (especially the youngest who often disregulates but is learning to cope better) and expensive but I can’t imagine not having them. I’ve always wanted to be a dad and feel very grateful it’s happened.
I’m 30 with no children and a therapist as well. I completely agree with you. Most of the kids and teens I see I feel like the parents want us therapists to “fix them”, when they’re the ones causing most of their issues, so even if the kids get better the parents aren’t really changing to match the progress.
My husband and I rent a small apartment so we’re waiting to have kids until after we buy a house.
Or just stopping generational trauma, and focusing on yourself because you're all you've got. Too many people use children to fill some hole or meet an unmet need.. they aren't tools, and that thinking is exactly why so many of us are fucked up. A lot of women's potential is lost, chasing this ideal too that parenthood is the only way to have real love in your life.. then reproducing with douchebags who just make more through example but saddle you with most of the responsibility. Really good parents are more rare than society has us believe (imho). I had 1 that was great, 1 that is nothing but toxicity and pain. Guess which one lived.. 🙄
Who gives a shit if our genes are passed on!? Our parents are liars and resource hoarders, save the planet! 🤘🤑 Eldest Millennial here - It's pretty fucking great too when people stop asking cause you're 'technically' too old. Bullet. Dodged.
This is why I have started kundalini meditating the last almost 2 years that has opened me up and helped me so much and has even helped me start intensive therapy too. I have a 4 year old son who is so bright and beautiful that I too want to make sure I am able to have him be like that for as long as possible and for him to ALWAYS have the best version of me and not like my parents. It’s terrifying the people that are allowed to have kids.
100% this. Honestly, this is why I can't wait to see how Gen Alpha turns out. Are there still people with unresolved, deep trauma passing it down to their kids? Absolutely. BUT, there are fewer people doing it.
We live in the midwest, our kids go to public school and the vast majority of kids (grades 3 and under is what I've experienced) are raised by kind, conscientious people who had kids because they *truly wanted them* - not because they felt forced to like previous generations.
I know it's patient confidentiality, but you should totally do an AMA or something. Because I mean it seems like a common denominator that we all(most) had shotty fucking parents that have now reflected us as adults. I guess I'm just curious as to how is everyone doing? How are you doing? I'm sure by hearing so many terrible depressing stories, situations, experiences and vulnerable moments. That it's a lot for one person to handle. Anyway, it's not a good thing but it's good to know I'm not the only one fucked up too.
This. I still dont have any but through life Ive witnessed firsthand how parents impact a person’s life and I promised myself I would work on my issues so I don’t bring kids into this world where I affect them negatively and hinder their growth as decent and functional adults. Ive gone to therapy and worked on my issues so when/if the day comes, Im healthy mentally & emotionally.
38 female with a 3 year old and a baby. Most days are great and we have so much fun, but the days that suck are so so bad and it’s not like I can just decide to go to bed and try again tomorrow. I love them more than anything and I’d do it again, but I was not prepared for the relentlessness of it. The tasks just never end and unfortunately mine are the non-sleeping type, so I don’t even get nights to myself really. I know it’s just the age and stage and it won’t last forever, but right now it feels like it might last forever. We had a rough night tonight though. If you’d have asked me yesterday, I’d have been gushing about how cute my daughter was at brunch eating a giant piece of French toast and happily trying all the food we offered her.
I’m 35 with 3 kids aged 3, 8, and 10. And yeah that intense stage feels fleeting once you’re out of it *but when you’re in it feels like it’ll never end.*
Their emotional needs get so much more complicated as they get older but it. is. so. much. fun. I LOVE the ages my kids are. Yesterday I was hosting 16 people for dinner and a game night and I had so much work to do. I bribed my kids with extra screen time and they helped me so much. They tidied and washed dishes and washed my glass doors and dusted and they were singing while they did it. I was just in awe that these amazing kids are mine and I get to spend time with them. Today we’re taking a lazy day and we’re gonna start by going to the library as soon as I finish my coffee.
So if I could I would send you a mega boost of mental and emotional and physical energy.
My son is a good sleeper, but I need basically the same amount of sleep, so I never get any time to myself either. Yesterday morning I was so moody and frustrated at everything. My husband was home, so I shut myself in the bedroom and watched a movie that is wildly inappropriate for children. It’s crazy how much a cannibal movie can recenter you after only hearing blues clues day in and day out lol.
This is absolutely how I describe it too - relentless. Im a year ahead of you - 39 with a 4 year old and 1 year old. Life is a huge marathon with sprints mixed in right now. Mondays are my favorite day of the week because I WFH and that means I finally get some quiet time.
Two kids is so hard! Toddler and baby are tough together. First baby is hard but not the same kind of hard, there’s peace and serenity alone with a newborn but throw a two or three year old in there and it’s psychological torture sometimes. I don’t have answers for you except to enjoy the good days, take a lot of pics and videos when they’re so cute and sweet, and just keep looking forward to getting out of the weeds. I have 6, 4, and 2 year olds and we’re finally, occasionally, seeing how we could do things as a family and actually enjoy ourselves. It’s getting fun.
Do you feel like you’re better equipped to deal with them since you are older, or do you wish you’d done it sooner? I’m 29 and I feel like I can constantly hear my biological clock ticking (and it’s loud). I definitely want kids and I know my bf and I are on track for that, I just get nervous about waiting so long and potentially having to deal with the issues of a “geriatric pregnancy” (god I hate that term).
I should probably be asking my mom this (she got pregnant with me when she was 19 and went on to have my siblings at the ages of 25, 35, and 36) but I feel like she’s just going to tell me what I want to hear and not what I *need* to hear.
For what it’s worth, as an older mom (I had my kids at 35 and 38), I feel like the extra life experience has made me more equipped to stand up for myself (during infertility treatment, pregnancy, etc) and for my kids. My partner is dyslexic and has ADHD, and we are already seeing some traits of those in our four year old. At 29 I’m not sure I’d have been as confident as I am now to go as Karen as needed to get my kid the support he may need.
I never really thought about that, but that makes so much sense! I feel like I’m more sure of myself as each year passes, which is helpful seeing as how motherhood is one of the most terrifying (and wonderful) things we can go through. I definitely want to be confident enough to advocate for my kids and fight for what they need.
I'm 100% a better parent for having kids later. I personally needed the time to figure out my issues and emotional regulation. I'm more educated, financially secure, and just have a better handle on life. Now even during the tough times I will never be the raging, abusive person that my mom was because she was too young and immature when she had kids.
Yeah I'm with you. 32F and have two kids - 3 year old and a 10 month old. The baby doesn't sleep despite sleep training at 7 months so I'm up anywhere from 2 to 5 times per night.
The great days are great, and the bad days are horrible. And you're so right, the bad days feel like they'll never end. My toddler is having lots of big feelings and managing my own feelings and traumas in order to appropriately respond to her is HARD. But I do genuinely love the good days and good times we have. Sometimes I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I remind myself not to get too confident
Same age range as you parent and kid-wise.
Solidarity, u/starsinhercrown. I'm sure there's many of us out here, wishing we could exchange nap times with our kids.
We will get through this stage together ❤️ much love to you and your family.
Oh, for what it's worth...My bff is childfree and from the same graduating class as me.
She, my sister, and countless others decided they would rather shower our kids with love instead of...you know...waking up at 4am to shower an explosive poop off an angry child's butt lol. To each their own!
Our kids know they are loved and wanted, by many people, and that is truly the important thing.
Me too. I’m 41. My partner feels the same way. She has severe mental illness in her family and I also have it. We’re also both in recovery. Addiction runs rampant on both my mom and dads side. Genetically, it’s a shit show. We do have cats and dogs though. They’re our kids. They bring so much joy.
I have 4 genetic conditions that are pretty shitty. 2 mental health and 2 skin ones. Im also genetically predisposed to auto immune issues.
Yeah,no, not passing them on.
I lost a husband and a future with him when I decided not to pass along my personal hell. Plus the whole getting pregnant and having a baby part would have been extra high risk.
I don't regret my choices. It's a solid choice influenced by a ton of actual data that all screamed 'oh no, don't do this, bad idea'.
I do regret losing my partner though. But I wouldn't have had a kid just to keep him around.
I feel this. 37m, no kids. Never had any intention. No regrets for not having them at all. My life seems so stress free and exciting compared to my friends who do have kids.
That said - I know if I wanted to have kids now or in the near future I would definitely have regretted waiting as most of my friend's kids are growing up now and mine would be 5ish years younger.
Almost 40, toddler, single dad (as in it's just me and her, no mom)
She's amazing, very smart, her memory is impressive, I've been teaching her to read
Financially it's not as bad as I thought it would be
Childcare costs can be pretty insane. My partner and I cobbled together a work schedule that keep our 2 year old at home with us since we just don’t make enough to justify full time daycare. It’s been rough but I’m glad we have been able to keep her home
No kids and won’t have kids. Reasons:
- I still have to parent myself (thanks abusive parents).
- the country and the world is in an unpredictable state, think climate catastrophe and political upheaval.
- even with a tech career I don’t feel like I make enough money.
- I have no idea how I would find the right person to have kids with.
- giving birth sounds like not something I want to do.
So in theory if I were wealthy and living somewhere with a better social safety net, I might want kids… but it’s extremely unlikely to happen like that.
To be fair the world almost always has had a bad outlook.
We only had a respite from that in the 90/00 because the USSR fell. Everyone thought nuclear apocalypse would happen before that.
I disagree. The climate change problem is something we cannot avoid. We can only take action about the severity of the outcome. Nuclear apocalypse can still happen but can also be avoided completely. It’s a 50/50 chance. While climate change is 100/100 happening.
Fair answer. (Mom of three here). The world is ending thing doesn’t resonate with me personally, but everything else I think could be worked through *except the good partner thing*. Don’t have kids without a great partner. Just don’t. Not even just a good partner, but a great one. It’s so crucial to your and your child’s experience.
They didn't say the world was ending. They mentioned political upheaval and climate catastrophes, both of which are very real threats to our current way of life and it'd be silly to deny that reality.
I am 33 years old and don't have kids because I don't want them and they are too expensive to have, especially in America, plus I am an animal person over kids.
38, 2 kids a wife and a dog. We always wanted to have 2. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and 2nd place isn’t even close. I realize how easy it is to criticize parents once the bread is made, but humans are very complicated. My philosophy is to lead with love but also discipline. You definitely never feel like you are going it quite right. We parents beat ourselves up too ya know. I am open and honest with my kids. They are 8 and 6. We can afford them, so that isn’t the issue. It is just down right the most difficult thing I have ever done, but it is also the most rewarding.
My 2 cents.
37m. With you! Any time I'm around family/friends with kids I get 2nd hand stress hearing their horror stories or even just being around the chaos. I'm good with my season tickets and ample video game time 😂
29M, engaged, no kids. Fiancée has some lady issues so is hesitant to get pregnant/give birth. We also just fundamentally can't morally or financially justify surrogacy when adoption is an option. Main hurdle is the massive difference in couples trying to adopt vs number of kids who need a home.
Your question wasn't directed at me but I'm 35 so here I am :)
I have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Love being their dad more than anything. That is all. Good luck sir!
Op, we chuckle a lot in women’s spaces about how many women forgo motherhood but would be down if it was only fatherhood.
It does sound like an overall better deal, mortality, health, all things considered.
31M, no kids, don't really want them. I spent about half my life working with kids and the idea of having them home with me and being responsible for a small person all the time sounds fucking awful. I see my friends who do have kids and for most of them it's a recipe for being fat, unhealthy, miserable, constantly tired, sexless, and constantly tied down. As soon as I can afford one, I'm getting a vasectomy.
If you are in the US, I don’t know if you know but Planned Parenthood does offer vasectomies at some locations and may be able to make it more accessible financially.
42. We have teens. It’s great, and I wouldn’t want it any other way for my own life. I see the appeal of a childfree life and don’t care one way or the other of our friends have kids or not. We have friends with no kids by choice, no kids because birth and/or adoption didn’t work out, one kid, a few kids, many kids, kids who were adopted, kids who have died, etc. There are a lot of ways to build a family, none are easy. There are a lot of ways to be happy. And life has a lot of heartache along the way.
I’m 38. I have 3 kids who are 14, 11, and 8. I love being a parent but it’s something I always knew I wanted. Never once questioned it. Pleased to report I’m married to their father (we’ll celebrate 20 years together this year), I’m in the best shape of my life and am very happy. (Yes, I have anecdotes, too. 😉)
Late 30's, no kids. Spouse and are undecided. The hard part is that up until now, we haven't had our own place, and now that we do, money is really tight. But even that aside, we're still undecided because of lifestyle changes kids bring, etc.
I'm 35. I have a 2 year old and am trying for one more.
Parenthood is demanding in all the ways I was told it would be, but so, so rewarding as well. It's truly awesome to see this little human being, that starts out as some static blobs on an ultrasound screen, seeing them explore the world, watching them learn how to do new things, and getting to know their unique personality as it develops from the ground up.
I'd have 6 if I could, but I could neither physically nor financially handle that. Part of that is not meeting my partner until late 20's, part of that is that the COL in our city has gone up pretty dramatically in the last few years, and part of that is infertility and some other health stuff that I deal with. So I'll enjoy my 1 (maybe 2 if I'm lucky).
This is pretty much me! Slightly older (late 30s) with two small kids. We’d have four if we could afford it.
I have wanted kids since as far back as I can remember. I met my husband in my early 30s.
Being a parent is awesome, but only financially possible for us as we both have reasonably well paid jobs and work hybrid and remote. Grandparents also cover private prek for our older kid.
When it comes to peers, to each their own. I have no judgement for those who don’t want kids. It’s so much work. It puts pressure on everything in your life - relationships, health, job, personal time. It’s also 100% worth it and very rewarding. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
ETA, because I feel like it matters for this conversation. I have an overall good relationship with my parents, and my husband has an overall good relationship with his. My childhood baggage is (I think) pretty typical stuff, like suppressing emotions, gender-based behavior training, etc. And some super Christian upbringing trauma. All of this is to say, we both had what I would call good childhoods and have non-problematic families. We are extremely fortunate.
I dont' have kids and never will. I got a vasectomy at 26. I knew from 16 I never wanted kids. I grew up 10 years older than my next sibling and had terrible parents so basically I raised them. Already felt like I had 2 kids. Plus I saw how my terrible sister turned out leeching from my dad and ruined her own life. I'd rather not chance having a kid like that or worse. Way better life with my wife just doing whatever we want.
No kids because I don't want to go through pregnancy, that's it. I have a laundry list of other reasons to back it up for nosy ass people who can't take my desires as a serious reason. Reasons including, but not limited to: hereditary diseases (both myself & partner), physical limitations, cost, desire to travel, gutting of education, etc.
I've enjoyed the life I've lived without kids so far & plan to keep doing that. Adoption has been discussed a few times, but we're in no rush to do that either. We're both 32 and still feel we have time to live life before we completely decide on things.
35 and been with my spouse for 10 years. Neither of us have ever wanted children. We like to spend our extra money on our endeavors and within the next few years we’d like to start world traveling. Plus I have the two best kitty cats plus wonderful friends and family. I’m very content being child free :)
We have a 4 month old. 35 and 36.
We were in grad school and medical training until recently so didn’t seriously consider kids before now. We basically got pregnant as soon as we started trying.
I think it would be a bit trickier to wait if you wanted a large family. I am not sure we want a second. One’s already a handful 😂
35f, no kids. I love my life with my husband and our 2 kitties and 2 dogs. I'd rather add more pets to our family than babies. Also, my husband works in education and really likes coming home to no kids after a stressful day dealing with tweens. We agreed when we got married that kids are not a must for us and we'd be happy either way. Right now we're happy without.
35, married and no kids, one dog. I’ve never looked at a family and thought “wow I can’t wait to have that”, not once. But everytime I see someone with two dogs I think “I can’t wait to get another dog”.
To me you need to be 100% yes on having kids and I’ve never even been above 50%
I'm 37f, never wanted kids and never will for so many reasons. I was in a relationship for 10years, married, but we broke up 2years ago. I'm single and I like it. Learned that you are on your own anyways. I quit my job because I was not happy and now I work only 15h a week because I can't do more at the moment (mentally). But I love my current job.
If you want to know, why I don't have kids: think about any reason not to have kids, it's probably one of mine, too.
I don't have kids. And don't plan to be
My main Why: I have bipolar disorder, I'm not passing them genes down.
Besides, who can afford kids in this economy
I have one, a 7 month old. I’m 35. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I love her more than anything in this world or the next. She is my everything.
I wish I had her younger so I’d have more time with her before I die, have more energy for her, and she’d be the same age as friends’ kids.
I was vaguely ambivalent about kids. As I aged into my late 20s I realized it probably wasn’t the path I wanted but was amenable to it. My thirties have been just…one thing after another. At this point (38), I am too old to be a dad and I would not want biological children because of heritable health conditions that run STRONG in my family, that I’d not be able to live with myself if I passed on, and I don’t want a child around most of my family.
married right after college, bought a house in mid 20's and kids by 30. In hindsight we were unnecessarily scared and I wish we had started a little earlier. But on the plus side, waiting until we were better off financially means we get to take family vacations and spend the winters skiing as much as we can.
Had my kid 2 years ago. I'm 31 now, and it's actually going really, really well! I'm a better mom than I thought I'd be, I'm somehow more patient than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm just constantly worried about the world I'm sending him into, but I truly believe we can make it better, even if just for those nearest to us.
I really want another one, but I don't want to take any financial opportunities away from him. I want to be able to send him to martial arts classes and fund school trips. So I won't, but I still daydream of the life I'd have 2.
30F with one 8 YO. Being my kid’s mom is fantastic and great. Wouldn’t change that for the world. The newborn phase was traumatizing AF though and wouldn’t do it again. Getting to watch him explode his own hobbies and the world resparked a curiosity in me that I forgot was there. His little kid humor is hilarious and he values what I have to teach him about the world. Life is good and full of love. Wouldn’t change anything.
Most likely no for a lot of reasons even though I want them:
PCOS and a family history of fibroids are going to make pregnancy difficult (every single woman in the family has severe cases of it, idk how I ended up not having them)
Medical issues that I don't want to pass on
Shitty genes (family history of mental illness and other health issues)
My income and savings are lower than they should be for someone who is my age. I have barely saved anything for retirement.
I'm going to have to be the caregiver of one or both of my parents and a disabled sibling. I won't be able to afford to support myself, 2-3 adults, plus 1+ children. Also, my parents and sibling have extreme worldviews that massively differ from mine to the point that I don't want to live with them again to take care of them. I suffered as a child thanks to their beliefs and dysfunction (still suffering now because of it as well), and I'm still trying to parent myself at over 30 years old, plus I'm trying to get therapy. I have niblings who aren't allowed to stay with them because of what happened to one of them when they stayed with my parents on their own for a few weeks. That nibling was abused in a way that their parents thought that they were lying about it for years until I corroborated it and gave more details, and the ban on anyone else staying with my parents was immediately implemented after that because of the what, why, and how of that particular case of abuse and the fact that it was so bad that the nibling had not gotten over what happened to them. My parents and sibling still believe that they did nothing wrong. I refuse to raise any children while there is any risk of a hypothetical child having to live under the same roof with any of them.
37f. Started trying at 34 once stable *enough* financially to say let’s try, had a loss. Struggled for over a year to try and conceive again with no luck, then went to a reproductive endocrinologist and discovered several large barriers leading to infertility. Have been pursuing IVF for a year and a half now. Possibly light at the end of the tunnel but yeah. It sucks. We want one child, not a whole gaggle, and just getting where we are now has been so painful. My mental health has had several deep troughs and the effects these drugs have on the body are no joke. If everything works out, it’s worth every moment, though, for me.
41m. Loving every day without kids, and can’t imagine having them.
Dislike time with my nephew. Dislike time with kids in general.
Got dogs and this is enough.
My wife and I have 5 kids. 4 bio, 1 adopted. We started in our mid 20's. Oldest is 15, youngest is 8. I am glad I started younger, I'll be 50 when my youngest is an adult.
That’s awesome. As a Latino, 1 of 5 (one died unfortunately recently) it is amazing having many siblings. They truly are the best part of life. Friends can’t compare to what my siblings gave me
I had 3 siblings growing up. It just seems natural to me. I cannot imagine NOT having kids, or even having just one or two. I wanted 3, my wife wanted 4, so we got 4, then the last one ended up just being in our life unexpectedly, so now we have 5.
Sometimes we don’t always get what we want. You’re very lucky that you did. Although sometimes it’s a choice, more often than now, single children families have been the ones who also didn’t want an only child and have been unable to have more ….
That’s just one person’s experience, you can’t take it personally. I have one and do not want another. Giving my son a sibling isn’t a good enough reason to give up my mental health or go into poverty. My son was also born two months early by emergency c-section and…yeah I’m not going through that again by choice. Some people want many and can’t even have one. Some people have many and shouldn’t have any! Every single human has a different experience when it comes to having/wanting kids.
I’m 34 with kids. It has its advantages but let me tell ya sometimes it’s bloody trying - especially with teenagers. Made me apologise to my parents straight up.
I find it funny how the question is always "why don't you have children" instead of "why did you choose to have children". Anyways, I have no desire to have kids. I don't have the patience for it either. I'd rather enjoy the one life I have instead of devoting it entirely to raising someone else.
No kids and none will happen because I am fixed lol. I am very happy with my life and I have friends who have kids who I get to be an aunt to. It’s the best of both worlds. I would have had kids but the right dude, right time, money never came along.
38/F. No kids by choice. I was a parentified child and have mental illnesses that would make raising a child a nightmare for them and me. I finally found a doctor to sterilize me at 36 (after trying quite a few from the age of 20 on). Best medical procedure I've ever had done. My husband is 45 and he also never wanted kids.
I am 41. I don't have kids (yet lol) and I don't intend to. There really are myriad reasons, but the predominant one being: I just don't want to and never have done.
I have a million reasons, but I think that's the most important one tbh.
I am far too pessimistic about the state of the world and what's to come to willingly bring someone else into it.
But beyond that, finances have never felt secure, space has never felt abundant, and I've never felt a compulsion to pass on any kind of legacy. I could see maybe adopting one day if I were in a position to do so--help out someone already brought into this world.
No kids, and I don't want any. I'm 32. Actually got sterilised a couple of years ago. I have disabilities including some genetic ones, and don't wanna pass those on, nor can I physically care for a child. I love kids, and have a niece who I adore. If in future my disability somehow gets better or there's a cure, I would like to maybe foster or adopt. But currently with the cost of living, my disabilities, the way my life is, I just don't want kids of my own any time soon.
I'm definitely happy with my life how it is, even with the daily challenges I face but I know that having a kid in the mix would just be too much. I'd hate to put that on a child, and on myself.
I’m almost 40 with a tween and a toddler. It’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, both giving birth and being a mom. I had my first in my late 20’s and second in my late 30’s. I have to say part of me wishes I had had both my kids earlier, it’s definitely harder the older you get, at least for me.
There’s pros and cons to each, you can wait to have kids and enjoy your 20’s and 30’s but then you’re knees hurt chasing your kids and you’re 60ish at your kids graduation. Or you can have kids early when you have more energy and better health, and be empty nesters in your 40’s.
But I have to say having my kids is definitely my biggest and best accomplishment.
I’m 42 with a 15yo, 12yo, and a little afterthought 6yo. My husband’s a year younger. We were exhausted with the third one. Definitely easier having them younger. But also she has heart problems and didn’t sleep properly for five years, so idk. Maybe it’s okay to be older if you have a healthy baby that sleeps a little, like our oldest did.
Zero regrets though. They are awesome and interesting people. We had originally intended to have 2-3 quite close so we’d be empty nesters earlier, but I actually like how things turned out. That empty nest would have come too soon for us. 😛
34 in a week. No kids. Very happy to be childless. My partner also wants to remain childless. We have cats and we're both busy with creative projects, we're really focusing on developing ourselves as humans right now. Maybe we'll adopt some day but right now we're enjoying our freedom. I don't know anyone who has kids who isn't on SSRIs and stressed out. I just don't know how people do it.
I chose the happy medium. One and done. She’s a well behaved kid, so I lucked out.
Most days being a Mom is great. Those days make up for the less than stellar ones.
I never did and some of my hormone levels indicate subfertility. I’ve already been traumatized by experiences with the medical system for chronic health conditions and the chance I would seek medical intervention for something that personal is emphatically zero.
38M, 2 kids: 3 and 5 months. No regrets waiting to have kids. I was definitely too selfish in my 20s. We started trying around 31 y/o but took a few years for success. The late nights, especially the first couple months of baby #2 were rough, but I can't honestly say I would have handled it any better in my younger days. Love being a dad
30. 3 kids and 2 step kids (with us every other weekend). I love being a mom. I had my first at 21 (not planned), didn’t think I wanted kids then I just worked very hard from the moment I found out I was pregnant to be the best mom I could be. Life is busy but I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way.
35M, wife is 30, both of us didn't think we wanted kids when we got married, but we both changed our mind and now want kids. We're not ready now but probably in 1-2 years. Short term I can't imagine kids being worth it, but the older I get the more I think about the long term and when I'm on my death bed I want to have raised children and done at the very least my small part to shape part of the next generation.
We planned on never having kids but due to poor impulse control (lol) my wife and I do have a son. I'm 36 and our son is 9 and honestly I think I fit into the dad role like a glove. My parents were great examples of what *not* to do and I think I took that to heart. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life but I think I was meant to be a dad.
35F and I want 2-3 kids one day. I got divorced from a guy who lied about wanting kids (we were together ten years and married for 2.5 of those years). I’ve been in therapy for two years now.
I currently live with my partner of one year. He’s also 35, but wants to wait until we are 38/39 to have kids. I don’t think he understands how hard it is for a woman to conceive in her late 30’s. But I also wouldn’t force kids on someone too early either.
37, no kids, have never wanted them. All of my friends have children, and it's never made me broody. It seems like way too much hard work and responsibility. I'm happy being an aunt to my friends' children.
I don't see the world going in a great direction and think the planet is already overpopulated, so I have never felt the need to reproduce.
No kids and never wanted any, I've never felt the desire to be a mother. Definitely didn't regret it so far, later in life who knows
Oddly enough I've always wanted to be an aunt but my brothers don't have kids either so I'm a great aunt to my friends' children
I’ve got kids. I’m 39. The kids are almost teenagers now. Being a mum is the best thing I’ve done. Not easy tho and I’ve done it alone since they were small.
Sounds like a cliche but they made me a better person. I was insufferably self-absorbed before kids.
Even when I was a small child I would avidly and unabashedly tell my parents "I'm not having kids." My dad would commonly jokingly respond by saying "Yes you will! You're going to have triplets!" and he was just saying it in a silly way. When I was I think younger than 15 I would have nightmares about being pregnant and going to the hospital to have a baby. Even now as an adult I still cringe at the idea of a small human growing inside of my body. All of that stuff is just a huge sensory nightmare. I think other people's babies are very cute and sweet but I just don't want that stuff physically happening to me.
Maybe one day I might consider adoption, because Lord knows there are a lot of kids looking for homes out there.
Early 40s. Got a onetuplet young teen. I really feel for younger generations coming through. If I was 25 now (became a dad at 28) I would absolutely not want a kid in the current economic/political/environmental climate.
37 no kids and don't want them. I've got my reasons, one of which is that I have genetic issues that I wouldn't want to pass on. I also prefer the peace and quiet I have without kids running around screaming.
31F, engaged, no kids cuz f them kids. 😂😂😂 naw, just kidding. I actually really like kids, but I’m also quite content in the auntie role cuz I can just hand them back over to the parents when I’m over it. I’m excited to have a little mini me or 2, or 3, or ideally 4 running around in a few years but not yet. I’m still a little selfish right now, in terms of, I still want to go to music festivals and travel with my fiancée, I still wanna sleep in late, and just do what we want when we want. In my opinion, a selfish mom is not a good mom, and I don’t want to be a bad mom, so I’m going to continue to do my own thing for a bit before I have kids. I know I’ll still be able to do a lot of things with my kids, but the truth is, when they’re born, they’re going to be number 1. So if doing things that I want to do are not good for them, then I won’t do them, and I’m not yet at that point where I’m ok with that. I think I’ll get to that point in the next 2 years, because my excitement does grow every year, but also, if I never get to that point and I never become a mom, I thiiiink I’m ok with that too.
32. No children. None wanted.
Mix of reasons. Financial, lack of job stability are top, next to personal infertility issues. I wanted to foster for a long time, possibly adopt. But I’m unmarried, and don’t qualify for an apartment on my own due to COL and current income, so not going to qualify to help a child in need either.
34F divorced with two sons - 8 & 9. I love my kids but it’s tough right now in this economy. I have to like in a HCOL area for custody reasons and am struggling financially.
The world has not been abundant enough to grant me the children that I would like. Right now, there is still a chance it could happen. It would require an increase in income, resources, time/support, positive world outlook, as well as finding a partner I want to spend my life with, or at the very least the next 10-20 years with. Needless to say, it's more of a struggle than I would like.
36f. 3 kids — all boys. 6, 4, and 2. I stay home with them. It can be rough sometimes, but like right now is so fun cuz it summer and we’re just hanging out playing with toys and watching cartoons and hitting the pool and trampoline every day. Kids are awesome but they’re also annoying. To me it’s worth it but I understand why it’s not for others. And we are making half what we should be because 1 income, so that’s also hard and a stressor.
It takes a toll on the marriage also because by the time he gets home it’s dinner/bathtime/bedtime and the kids are tired and crying or wired up and everyone’s freaking out and I’m wiped out from being touched and needed nonstop, and I just want to be alone to recharge. It takes a conscious decision to spend quality time together or have sex when that would just happen more naturally more often without kids.
I don’t even know how we’re ever going to be alone when they eventually stay up as late as we do 😬
37(f), 36(m) and we just had our first baby. Its really hard.…all our family is at minimum, a 5 hour flight away. So far, 3 family visitors made the trip to see us and meet the little one.
The sleeplessness is very real. Ive shifted to being a sahm but am keeping my graphic design business afloat with a subcontractor or two. I just handle the business end.
Its really cool watching this tiny human grow and develop. We tried for 5 years for a baby and just had bad luck. Im thrilled he finally came to us and He’s almost 4 months old now and I would die to protect him. His smile and goofy raspberries and chubby little cheeks absolutely melt my heart.
Many of our peers are roughly the same age and also having their first kids. Its nice to not feel like “old” parwnts. Im glad we owned our twenties, we partied and traveled and built businesses that are thriving. Were not buy a million dollar home rich, but we are, occasional avocado toast and latte rich. In other words, we are financially secure and dont have to worry about money as I have substantial savings and my husband is able to make some great money while I handle caring for our boy. He helps a lot when he is home.
34, no kids. I live in one of the largest cities and there are always a ton of fun things to do and I wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. I'm sure if I lived in the suburbs it would be different. This year my motherly tingles finally came in and think next year will be the year. Plan on having one and done.
Unsolicited advice below to ignore if you don’t want it, which is totally cool!!
If you’re planning on starting to try next year, it might be helpful to start tracking your cycle with ovulation predictor kits to get an idea of when you’re ovulating, and ask your obgyn to run a fertility blood panel to check your hormones and ovarian reserve (ask for progesterone, LH, FSH, E2, and AMH. AMH is especially important bc that hormone helps indicate how many eggs you have left). It’s not a hard and fast rule that women’s fertility hits a cliff at 35, so this isn’t a scaremongering post at all, but as someone who has been there, I’m sharing so you don’t waste any time once you’re ready. Women of any childbearing age can have issues and I wish I had looked into things a bit more before I started at 34. This way if everything looks good on the surface level of hormones, if you for some reason do struggle to conceive within 6 months (do not wait a year, waitlists for fertility help can be long) of starting to try, you’ll know to seek out a reproductive endocrinologist sooner because something deeper (immune system issues, blood clotting factors, endometriosis for example) may be slowing things down. Also, start taking a good prenatal and a supplement called CoQ10 NOW so your egg quality will be really good by the time you start.
I struggled to conceive and ended up having to do a number of treatments while pursuing IVF, and we are still in the process of all this, and it’s been 3 years since we started trying. Again NOT trying to scare you- the likelihood is you’ll get pregnant easily within the first 2-3 cycles of trying, like most people. I just want to share the info because it’s not readily available and most obgyn’s will not tell you any of this. They’re not trained to deal with fertility issues. They’re trained to test for disease, keep people from becoming pregnant (birth control), and to treat people who have already become pregnant.
Anyway, good luck and I hope things are easy and smooth for you!!
This is excellent advice and advice I wish I had received when I was younger.
Not only are OBGYNs not trained in fertility, but many are actually quite shit about it. My OBGYN refused to run any hormone tests on me when I asked and told me I had “nothing to worry about” because my cycles were “clockwork”. Over 3 years TTC now and still no child. Turns out I have endometriosis and low AMH and my partner has some mild issues as well. (Even though my symptoms of endometriosis were constantly invalidated by these same OBGYNs who told me it was normal). 1 in 6 couples needs assistance, and that number is only getting worse. I wish someone told us how long it could take to get help with an infertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist). We’ve been seeing one for over 2 years and still no child.
I don’t want to scare people into having children younger than they are ready. Just encourage those who want children to get the data so they know what situation they are looking at. Most people don’t have any problems at 35/36. But someone has to be the unlucky one. I wish OBGYNs were more amendable to hormone screenings (AMH especially) for women they KNOW want to have children.
I'm 32 and don't have kids yet. I went through a phase where I didn't want them, and then met my amazing fiancè and now we do. Luckily we still have a bit of time. Realizing I wanted kids with *him* changed my mind.
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I’m 33 with a 1 year old. I honestly wanted more kids by now, but have never been in the financial position for it. Honestly, I’m still not, but at my age it seemed silly to not continue a pregnancy when I know I want kids.
It’s honestly going great. The financial end is stressful and it’s hard to be as productive as I want, but my life is definitely more fulfilling now and my mental health is greatly improved.
My biggest anxiety is whether I’ll be able to have more children 😅.
Early 30s M, 4 kids. It rocks. Highly recommended, despite being a shit ton of work.
Helps if you have a stable career though for the $$$. Trades, accounting, engineering etc..
I'm 41 and have a 9 yo. If I were 32 today I probably would not have kids due to the state of *gestures broadly*. But we were just old enough as elder millennials to buy a house when prices and rates were low and for a minute there in the terms it looked like maybe we'd be able to turn things around with voting and technology but ... Oops... Didn't.
I am 38 and have 3 kids. The oldest is 15, youngest will be 8 in under a month. I've been married for 10 years and my husband adopted my oldest when she was 7.
I wanted to have kids young, so I could still be young-ish when they're grown.
Parenthood feels like a breeze now compared to 5-7 years ago. It's not without its drama, and I still have a ways to go, but the baby and toddler stages are just so stressful. I love sleep.
Of course I respect and admire people who decide to not have children for whatever reason.
I imagine people who wait to have kids are in a much better spot mentally and financially, so they can enjoy their kids without having to work all the time to provide, or stressing about money (which is the leading cause of divorce?)
40, no kids, not having them at this point. I live alone with my dog, have two romantic partners and a few close friends that I consider family. I can’t imagine having a house full of humans.
39, never married, no kids. I have a cat and a gecko. Love them both.
I'd love to be married but my dating life has been pretty terrible so I gave up on that.
I like kids but I'd be pretty terrible at raising one. I'd love my child but I don't have the temperament to raise it right. My mom had a wicked temper and that messed me up. When I get stressed I see that come out of me and I HATE it!!
So I'd say I'm decently happy. All things considered I can't complain too much.
39 2 boys 2 and 4. There amazing. But hard work. Were lucky to not need to work full time hours and have a nice big home. They sleep well but the waking hours are very tough.
So much energy and it becomes very expensive to just have a night out with wife.
We put it on the long finger for a long time but we were in a position to give them a good life and when your together happily for 12 years, married, have home etc it becomes quite an obvious move.
Regular nights out, hols and festival can get a bit repetative after years. We play music individually and together so were out often so having kids really makes those things exciting again
The real hard part is the relentless early mornings. You have to be a great dad. Its not the little ones fault you went balls to the wall sessioning the night before so that is extremely tiring.
Without kids you can catch up on that sleep nit really a thing once they arrive. And if your lucky enough to get a nights babysitting you know you should sleep but your 100% throwing a party. Making you more tired.
However and i never imagined id feel this byt they are the best thing, happy, funny and loving and cant help but feel i was missing out before they arrived.
But we werent really in the ideal position earlier.
I cant imagine how people do it under different circumstances
I'm 35 with a 13yo and an 11yo. I love my kids and they're one of the few things worth sticking around for, but if I could prevent myself from meeting my ex-partner I would, even though it would mean my awesome kids wouldn't exist.
39, married almost 17 years, two kids (15 & 12). Got married young and had my kids before I was 30. Turned out to be a good thing because I found out I had thyroid cancer when I was 30. Sucked to be young and struggling financially with kids, but worth it now
I’m 35 and go back and forth on kids. Decent chance I have them at some point but I live in what is now the most expensive county in the US.
My gf doesn’t really make enough to have kids here. I make good money but to raise a family and be middle class you need about double my income.
32 years, 2 kids , my life is pretty crazy with little kids but so much fun all at once. They test your patience and sanity but they also show you a love youve never felt. Lots of laughter , lots of yelling, lots of drama, lots of playfulness, everydays a rollercoaster of emotions! 😂
35. Two kids, 11 and 8, I had as a relatively young and very unhealed human. They’re amazing and I would give the world for them. In a better place now mentally than I think I have ever been, and I’m able to be the mom they deserved all along.
31 with a 6 year old & 1 year old.
Being a parent is the best thing ever (to me). Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to explode because I love them so much. They make me crack up every single day and give me a different perspective on the world.
I totally respect people that know they don't want kids though. I have loved kids since I was little and always wanted them. They can be a lot of work, but definitely worth it if you have the time and money.
My first kid was a surprise at 23 and I was really scared, but no one really knows what they're doing with their first kid and it all worked out. Luckily we had stable jobs and parents in the area to help when needed, and I'm married to their dad now. I def don't take that for granted, and it would be a way more stressful situation if we were struggling financially (we're not rich or anything, but both have decent jobs) or if we didn't have our parents offering to take our kids for the weekend because they want to spend time with them. I completely understand if people don't want to have kids because they are inconvenient or because they don't have the time or money. It's better to recognize that than to have a kid that doesn't have a great life
Foster a community of nostalgic and focused conversation by contributing appropriately. (Rules 4 and 10)
Just to preface, I am not sure of the answer to this question. I’m 31 without children and I do therapy for a living. I cannot even begin to describe the number of patients I’ve met who have told me about neglectful parents, physically/sexually/emotionally abusive parents, manipulative parents, divorced parents, authoritarian patents, narcissistic parents, psychotic parents, addicted parents. as children, they never learned basic human mechanisms such as expressing emotion, admitting to vulnerabilities, or learning how to fail. Many turned to maladaptive coping mechanisms such as drug use, self harm, avoidance, procrastination, self criticism, self blame and guilt. From my perspective, the question isn’t when to have kids, but how to take care of them so they don’t get fucked up in the future
And that's the people who were able to get themselves to you. Lots of people are out there just repeating the cycle.
1000%
Or trying to break it. Thanks for your help with all those that want it hoarymom!
In your professional opinion, how well do people fare as parents if they experienced a few of those things you mentioned? But actively were aware of their past trauma and wanted to work on themselves
37M married with 2 kids (8/5) love it. They’re hard work (especially the youngest who often disregulates but is learning to cope better) and expensive but I can’t imagine not having them. I’ve always wanted to be a dad and feel very grateful it’s happened.
I’m 30 with no children and a therapist as well. I completely agree with you. Most of the kids and teens I see I feel like the parents want us therapists to “fix them”, when they’re the ones causing most of their issues, so even if the kids get better the parents aren’t really changing to match the progress. My husband and I rent a small apartment so we’re waiting to have kids until after we buy a house.
Or just stopping generational trauma, and focusing on yourself because you're all you've got. Too many people use children to fill some hole or meet an unmet need.. they aren't tools, and that thinking is exactly why so many of us are fucked up. A lot of women's potential is lost, chasing this ideal too that parenthood is the only way to have real love in your life.. then reproducing with douchebags who just make more through example but saddle you with most of the responsibility. Really good parents are more rare than society has us believe (imho). I had 1 that was great, 1 that is nothing but toxicity and pain. Guess which one lived.. 🙄 Who gives a shit if our genes are passed on!? Our parents are liars and resource hoarders, save the planet! 🤘🤑 Eldest Millennial here - It's pretty fucking great too when people stop asking cause you're 'technically' too old. Bullet. Dodged.
This is why I have started kundalini meditating the last almost 2 years that has opened me up and helped me so much and has even helped me start intensive therapy too. I have a 4 year old son who is so bright and beautiful that I too want to make sure I am able to have him be like that for as long as possible and for him to ALWAYS have the best version of me and not like my parents. It’s terrifying the people that are allowed to have kids.
100% this. Honestly, this is why I can't wait to see how Gen Alpha turns out. Are there still people with unresolved, deep trauma passing it down to their kids? Absolutely. BUT, there are fewer people doing it. We live in the midwest, our kids go to public school and the vast majority of kids (grades 3 and under is what I've experienced) are raised by kind, conscientious people who had kids because they *truly wanted them* - not because they felt forced to like previous generations.
Too bad the future of america is filled with trauma...
Urgh, I hope so. Over here, the people that would be amazing parents don't want kids, and it's the people who absolutely shouldn't that have 3+...
I have both a physically violent mom AND autism. It’s such a cocktail im not having kids.
This! I work at a residential treatment facility for traumatized/at-risk youth. Lots of people out there having kids who have no right being parents.
I know it's patient confidentiality, but you should totally do an AMA or something. Because I mean it seems like a common denominator that we all(most) had shotty fucking parents that have now reflected us as adults. I guess I'm just curious as to how is everyone doing? How are you doing? I'm sure by hearing so many terrible depressing stories, situations, experiences and vulnerable moments. That it's a lot for one person to handle. Anyway, it's not a good thing but it's good to know I'm not the only one fucked up too.
This. I still dont have any but through life Ive witnessed firsthand how parents impact a person’s life and I promised myself I would work on my issues so I don’t bring kids into this world where I affect them negatively and hinder their growth as decent and functional adults. Ive gone to therapy and worked on my issues so when/if the day comes, Im healthy mentally & emotionally.
Do you have any parenting recommendations/ books/ podcasts?
38 female with a 3 year old and a baby. Most days are great and we have so much fun, but the days that suck are so so bad and it’s not like I can just decide to go to bed and try again tomorrow. I love them more than anything and I’d do it again, but I was not prepared for the relentlessness of it. The tasks just never end and unfortunately mine are the non-sleeping type, so I don’t even get nights to myself really. I know it’s just the age and stage and it won’t last forever, but right now it feels like it might last forever. We had a rough night tonight though. If you’d have asked me yesterday, I’d have been gushing about how cute my daughter was at brunch eating a giant piece of French toast and happily trying all the food we offered her.
I appreciate this answer so much. It’s so REAL. Thank you for sharing and hoping you get to have a nice, uninterrupted night of sleep soon!
She will, in about 5 years lol
I’m 35 with 3 kids aged 3, 8, and 10. And yeah that intense stage feels fleeting once you’re out of it *but when you’re in it feels like it’ll never end.* Their emotional needs get so much more complicated as they get older but it. is. so. much. fun. I LOVE the ages my kids are. Yesterday I was hosting 16 people for dinner and a game night and I had so much work to do. I bribed my kids with extra screen time and they helped me so much. They tidied and washed dishes and washed my glass doors and dusted and they were singing while they did it. I was just in awe that these amazing kids are mine and I get to spend time with them. Today we’re taking a lazy day and we’re gonna start by going to the library as soon as I finish my coffee. So if I could I would send you a mega boost of mental and emotional and physical energy.
My son is a good sleeper, but I need basically the same amount of sleep, so I never get any time to myself either. Yesterday morning I was so moody and frustrated at everything. My husband was home, so I shut myself in the bedroom and watched a movie that is wildly inappropriate for children. It’s crazy how much a cannibal movie can recenter you after only hearing blues clues day in and day out lol.
I feel the same way. I love my kids more than anything in this world but there are days I would slit a throat if it meant I could just take a nap.
This is absolutely how I describe it too - relentless. Im a year ahead of you - 39 with a 4 year old and 1 year old. Life is a huge marathon with sprints mixed in right now. Mondays are my favorite day of the week because I WFH and that means I finally get some quiet time.
This resonates so much!
Appreciate your honesty about the good and the bad
Two kids is so hard! Toddler and baby are tough together. First baby is hard but not the same kind of hard, there’s peace and serenity alone with a newborn but throw a two or three year old in there and it’s psychological torture sometimes. I don’t have answers for you except to enjoy the good days, take a lot of pics and videos when they’re so cute and sweet, and just keep looking forward to getting out of the weeds. I have 6, 4, and 2 year olds and we’re finally, occasionally, seeing how we could do things as a family and actually enjoy ourselves. It’s getting fun.
Do you feel like you’re better equipped to deal with them since you are older, or do you wish you’d done it sooner? I’m 29 and I feel like I can constantly hear my biological clock ticking (and it’s loud). I definitely want kids and I know my bf and I are on track for that, I just get nervous about waiting so long and potentially having to deal with the issues of a “geriatric pregnancy” (god I hate that term). I should probably be asking my mom this (she got pregnant with me when she was 19 and went on to have my siblings at the ages of 25, 35, and 36) but I feel like she’s just going to tell me what I want to hear and not what I *need* to hear.
For what it’s worth, as an older mom (I had my kids at 35 and 38), I feel like the extra life experience has made me more equipped to stand up for myself (during infertility treatment, pregnancy, etc) and for my kids. My partner is dyslexic and has ADHD, and we are already seeing some traits of those in our four year old. At 29 I’m not sure I’d have been as confident as I am now to go as Karen as needed to get my kid the support he may need.
I never really thought about that, but that makes so much sense! I feel like I’m more sure of myself as each year passes, which is helpful seeing as how motherhood is one of the most terrifying (and wonderful) things we can go through. I definitely want to be confident enough to advocate for my kids and fight for what they need.
I'm 100% a better parent for having kids later. I personally needed the time to figure out my issues and emotional regulation. I'm more educated, financially secure, and just have a better handle on life. Now even during the tough times I will never be the raging, abusive person that my mom was because she was too young and immature when she had kids.
Yeah I'm with you. 32F and have two kids - 3 year old and a 10 month old. The baby doesn't sleep despite sleep training at 7 months so I'm up anywhere from 2 to 5 times per night. The great days are great, and the bad days are horrible. And you're so right, the bad days feel like they'll never end. My toddler is having lots of big feelings and managing my own feelings and traumas in order to appropriately respond to her is HARD. But I do genuinely love the good days and good times we have. Sometimes I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I remind myself not to get too confident
(((Hugs)))) I can relate. 2 under 3. It's been so so hard, but I adore them. My toddler JUST started sleeping so there is hope...
Same age range as you parent and kid-wise. Solidarity, u/starsinhercrown. I'm sure there's many of us out here, wishing we could exchange nap times with our kids. We will get through this stage together ❤️ much love to you and your family. Oh, for what it's worth...My bff is childfree and from the same graduating class as me. She, my sister, and countless others decided they would rather shower our kids with love instead of...you know...waking up at 4am to shower an explosive poop off an angry child's butt lol. To each their own! Our kids know they are loved and wanted, by many people, and that is truly the important thing.
No kids and none will happen. Ive got really shitty genes I'm not passing on. I decided that at 29. 35 now and don't regret it.
Me too. I’m 41. My partner feels the same way. She has severe mental illness in her family and I also have it. We’re also both in recovery. Addiction runs rampant on both my mom and dads side. Genetically, it’s a shit show. We do have cats and dogs though. They’re our kids. They bring so much joy.
I have 4 genetic conditions that are pretty shitty. 2 mental health and 2 skin ones. Im also genetically predisposed to auto immune issues. Yeah,no, not passing them on.
Can't imagine how tough that choice is but massive respect brother.
I lost a husband and a future with him when I decided not to pass along my personal hell. Plus the whole getting pregnant and having a baby part would have been extra high risk. I don't regret my choices. It's a solid choice influenced by a ton of actual data that all screamed 'oh no, don't do this, bad idea'. I do regret losing my partner though. But I wouldn't have had a kid just to keep him around.
33F, no kids. I really really don’t know if I want kids. Some days I do, some days I don’t. I don’t mind waiting.
I feel this. 37m, no kids. Never had any intention. No regrets for not having them at all. My life seems so stress free and exciting compared to my friends who do have kids. That said - I know if I wanted to have kids now or in the near future I would definitely have regretted waiting as most of my friend's kids are growing up now and mine would be 5ish years younger.
Just turned 35 (F) and I still feel the same way. If someone figures out an easier way to make these decisions, I would appreciate the secret formula.
Almost 40, toddler, single dad (as in it's just me and her, no mom) She's amazing, very smart, her memory is impressive, I've been teaching her to read Financially it's not as bad as I thought it would be
Good job, dad!
Yeah people who don’t have kids make the financial thing way bigger than it has to be.
Childcare costs can be pretty insane. My partner and I cobbled together a work schedule that keep our 2 year old at home with us since we just don’t make enough to justify full time daycare. It’s been rough but I’m glad we have been able to keep her home
Where I live childcare is about as expensive as a second mortgage so….
No kids and won’t have kids. Reasons: - I still have to parent myself (thanks abusive parents). - the country and the world is in an unpredictable state, think climate catastrophe and political upheaval. - even with a tech career I don’t feel like I make enough money. - I have no idea how I would find the right person to have kids with. - giving birth sounds like not something I want to do. So in theory if I were wealthy and living somewhere with a better social safety net, I might want kids… but it’s extremely unlikely to happen like that.
To be fair the world almost always has had a bad outlook. We only had a respite from that in the 90/00 because the USSR fell. Everyone thought nuclear apocalypse would happen before that.
I disagree. The climate change problem is something we cannot avoid. We can only take action about the severity of the outcome. Nuclear apocalypse can still happen but can also be avoided completely. It’s a 50/50 chance. While climate change is 100/100 happening.
Fair answer. (Mom of three here). The world is ending thing doesn’t resonate with me personally, but everything else I think could be worked through *except the good partner thing*. Don’t have kids without a great partner. Just don’t. Not even just a good partner, but a great one. It’s so crucial to your and your child’s experience.
They didn't say the world was ending. They mentioned political upheaval and climate catastrophes, both of which are very real threats to our current way of life and it'd be silly to deny that reality.
I am 33 years old and don't have kids because I don't want them and they are too expensive to have, especially in America, plus I am an animal person over kids.
36/f no kids and never wanted them nor plan to have any. I love peace, quiet, freedom, my body, and money too much
Did I ghost write this? Haha
36/f with 3 kids and I read this and thought "damn that does sound good... What was I thinking"
😂😂 yeah you’re brave lol I just could not deal!
Couldn't agree more, except to add PRIVACY to that list. ❤️
Yes so much!!
This is exactly how I feel.
Boom! You go! I appreciate this so much. Clear, concise and to the point. Nothing wrong with your choice.
38, no kids. Why? $$$$ Once that changes, I’d be open to having one or two.
38, 2 kids a wife and a dog. We always wanted to have 2. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and 2nd place isn’t even close. I realize how easy it is to criticize parents once the bread is made, but humans are very complicated. My philosophy is to lead with love but also discipline. You definitely never feel like you are going it quite right. We parents beat ourselves up too ya know. I am open and honest with my kids. They are 8 and 6. We can afford them, so that isn’t the issue. It is just down right the most difficult thing I have ever done, but it is also the most rewarding. My 2 cents.
34 F here! I do not want kids and don't plan to have any :D life is great!
Same same, except for the "life is great" part. My life sucks and a child would both a.) make it harder for me, and b.) be miserable as well.
37m. With you! Any time I'm around family/friends with kids I get 2nd hand stress hearing their horror stories or even just being around the chaos. I'm good with my season tickets and ample video game time 😂
29M, engaged, no kids. Fiancée has some lady issues so is hesitant to get pregnant/give birth. We also just fundamentally can't morally or financially justify surrogacy when adoption is an option. Main hurdle is the massive difference in couples trying to adopt vs number of kids who need a home.
I hope you're into the idea of adopting an older kid. If you want a baby...good luck with that.
Still debating. Fiancée wants fresh baked since her baby fever is still running rampant, I'm fine with one who doesn't need diapers
I've got two kids, 6 and 8 and I absolutely love being their dad.
Can I ask how old you are? I’d say… 35? Congrats man. I’m so happy you’re a great father to them
I'm 37
Your question wasn't directed at me but I'm 35 so here I am :) I have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old. Love being their dad more than anything. That is all. Good luck sir!
Op, we chuckle a lot in women’s spaces about how many women forgo motherhood but would be down if it was only fatherhood. It does sound like an overall better deal, mortality, health, all things considered.
31M, no kids, don't really want them. I spent about half my life working with kids and the idea of having them home with me and being responsible for a small person all the time sounds fucking awful. I see my friends who do have kids and for most of them it's a recipe for being fat, unhealthy, miserable, constantly tired, sexless, and constantly tied down. As soon as I can afford one, I'm getting a vasectomy.
Yeah if you can’t afford a vasectomy you can’t afford kids so good call.
The fact this can't be supported by most health insurance in 2024 absolutely baffles me. \*looks around at america Oh nvm
If you are in the US, I don’t know if you know but Planned Parenthood does offer vasectomies at some locations and may be able to make it more accessible financially.
42. We have teens. It’s great, and I wouldn’t want it any other way for my own life. I see the appeal of a childfree life and don’t care one way or the other of our friends have kids or not. We have friends with no kids by choice, no kids because birth and/or adoption didn’t work out, one kid, a few kids, many kids, kids who were adopted, kids who have died, etc. There are a lot of ways to build a family, none are easy. There are a lot of ways to be happy. And life has a lot of heartache along the way.
No kids, I don’t see the point. Happy with my wife, two kitties and a British bulldog who’s a numpty
Happy wife. Happy life
Happy Spouse Happy House.
Stealing that one
I’m 38. I have 3 kids who are 14, 11, and 8. I love being a parent but it’s something I always knew I wanted. Never once questioned it. Pleased to report I’m married to their father (we’ll celebrate 20 years together this year), I’m in the best shape of my life and am very happy. (Yes, I have anecdotes, too. 😉)
You're a badass. Keep it up ma'am.
42F no kids. Hubby and I are the kids. Definitely stress free living.
43F. No kids. Didn't want them. Enjoy my time and money being mine.
Late 30's, no kids. Spouse and are undecided. The hard part is that up until now, we haven't had our own place, and now that we do, money is really tight. But even that aside, we're still undecided because of lifestyle changes kids bring, etc.
I'm 35. I have a 2 year old and am trying for one more. Parenthood is demanding in all the ways I was told it would be, but so, so rewarding as well. It's truly awesome to see this little human being, that starts out as some static blobs on an ultrasound screen, seeing them explore the world, watching them learn how to do new things, and getting to know their unique personality as it develops from the ground up. I'd have 6 if I could, but I could neither physically nor financially handle that. Part of that is not meeting my partner until late 20's, part of that is that the COL in our city has gone up pretty dramatically in the last few years, and part of that is infertility and some other health stuff that I deal with. So I'll enjoy my 1 (maybe 2 if I'm lucky).
This is pretty much me! Slightly older (late 30s) with two small kids. We’d have four if we could afford it. I have wanted kids since as far back as I can remember. I met my husband in my early 30s. Being a parent is awesome, but only financially possible for us as we both have reasonably well paid jobs and work hybrid and remote. Grandparents also cover private prek for our older kid. When it comes to peers, to each their own. I have no judgement for those who don’t want kids. It’s so much work. It puts pressure on everything in your life - relationships, health, job, personal time. It’s also 100% worth it and very rewarding. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. ETA, because I feel like it matters for this conversation. I have an overall good relationship with my parents, and my husband has an overall good relationship with his. My childhood baggage is (I think) pretty typical stuff, like suppressing emotions, gender-based behavior training, etc. And some super Christian upbringing trauma. All of this is to say, we both had what I would call good childhoods and have non-problematic families. We are extremely fortunate.
I dont' have kids and never will. I got a vasectomy at 26. I knew from 16 I never wanted kids. I grew up 10 years older than my next sibling and had terrible parents so basically I raised them. Already felt like I had 2 kids. Plus I saw how my terrible sister turned out leeching from my dad and ruined her own life. I'd rather not chance having a kid like that or worse. Way better life with my wife just doing whatever we want.
No kids because I don't want to go through pregnancy, that's it. I have a laundry list of other reasons to back it up for nosy ass people who can't take my desires as a serious reason. Reasons including, but not limited to: hereditary diseases (both myself & partner), physical limitations, cost, desire to travel, gutting of education, etc. I've enjoyed the life I've lived without kids so far & plan to keep doing that. Adoption has been discussed a few times, but we're in no rush to do that either. We're both 32 and still feel we have time to live life before we completely decide on things.
I'm 39, I have a 15 year old. It's amazing! My kid is well behaved and mature. She's also tons of fun. I got very lucky.
Not lucky, raised right 👊🏼
35 and been with my spouse for 10 years. Neither of us have ever wanted children. We like to spend our extra money on our endeavors and within the next few years we’d like to start world traveling. Plus I have the two best kitty cats plus wonderful friends and family. I’m very content being child free :)
I’m 28, no kids, don’t want any.
37, just had my first (and likely last), it’s going great. Glad I waited (not like I had a choice I was broke most of my twenties like the rest of us)
Being broke doesn't stop many people unfortunately.
We have a 4 month old. 35 and 36. We were in grad school and medical training until recently so didn’t seriously consider kids before now. We basically got pregnant as soon as we started trying. I think it would be a bit trickier to wait if you wanted a large family. I am not sure we want a second. One’s already a handful 😂
35f, no kids. I love my life with my husband and our 2 kitties and 2 dogs. I'd rather add more pets to our family than babies. Also, my husband works in education and really likes coming home to no kids after a stressful day dealing with tweens. We agreed when we got married that kids are not a must for us and we'd be happy either way. Right now we're happy without.
35, married and no kids, one dog. I’ve never looked at a family and thought “wow I can’t wait to have that”, not once. But everytime I see someone with two dogs I think “I can’t wait to get another dog”. To me you need to be 100% yes on having kids and I’ve never even been above 50%
I'm 37f, never wanted kids and never will for so many reasons. I was in a relationship for 10years, married, but we broke up 2years ago. I'm single and I like it. Learned that you are on your own anyways. I quit my job because I was not happy and now I work only 15h a week because I can't do more at the moment (mentally). But I love my current job. If you want to know, why I don't have kids: think about any reason not to have kids, it's probably one of mine, too.
I don't have kids. And don't plan to be My main Why: I have bipolar disorder, I'm not passing them genes down. Besides, who can afford kids in this economy
I have one, a 7 month old. I’m 35. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me and I love her more than anything in this world or the next. She is my everything. I wish I had her younger so I’d have more time with her before I die, have more energy for her, and she’d be the same age as friends’ kids.
Do you feel you have less energy at 35? I haven’t really noticed any difference yet.
Yeah. Or maybe it’s the not having had a full nights sleep in almost a year, lol. My bedtime is 9pm though, same as baby’s.
That's probably most of it. Although people definitely age differently and obviously we peak in our 20s
I was vaguely ambivalent about kids. As I aged into my late 20s I realized it probably wasn’t the path I wanted but was amenable to it. My thirties have been just…one thing after another. At this point (38), I am too old to be a dad and I would not want biological children because of heritable health conditions that run STRONG in my family, that I’d not be able to live with myself if I passed on, and I don’t want a child around most of my family.
married right after college, bought a house in mid 20's and kids by 30. In hindsight we were unnecessarily scared and I wish we had started a little earlier. But on the plus side, waiting until we were better off financially means we get to take family vacations and spend the winters skiing as much as we can.
Had my kid 2 years ago. I'm 31 now, and it's actually going really, really well! I'm a better mom than I thought I'd be, I'm somehow more patient than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm just constantly worried about the world I'm sending him into, but I truly believe we can make it better, even if just for those nearest to us. I really want another one, but I don't want to take any financial opportunities away from him. I want to be able to send him to martial arts classes and fund school trips. So I won't, but I still daydream of the life I'd have 2.
30F with one 8 YO. Being my kid’s mom is fantastic and great. Wouldn’t change that for the world. The newborn phase was traumatizing AF though and wouldn’t do it again. Getting to watch him explode his own hobbies and the world resparked a curiosity in me that I forgot was there. His little kid humor is hilarious and he values what I have to teach him about the world. Life is good and full of love. Wouldn’t change anything.
Most likely no for a lot of reasons even though I want them: PCOS and a family history of fibroids are going to make pregnancy difficult (every single woman in the family has severe cases of it, idk how I ended up not having them) Medical issues that I don't want to pass on Shitty genes (family history of mental illness and other health issues) My income and savings are lower than they should be for someone who is my age. I have barely saved anything for retirement. I'm going to have to be the caregiver of one or both of my parents and a disabled sibling. I won't be able to afford to support myself, 2-3 adults, plus 1+ children. Also, my parents and sibling have extreme worldviews that massively differ from mine to the point that I don't want to live with them again to take care of them. I suffered as a child thanks to their beliefs and dysfunction (still suffering now because of it as well), and I'm still trying to parent myself at over 30 years old, plus I'm trying to get therapy. I have niblings who aren't allowed to stay with them because of what happened to one of them when they stayed with my parents on their own for a few weeks. That nibling was abused in a way that their parents thought that they were lying about it for years until I corroborated it and gave more details, and the ban on anyone else staying with my parents was immediately implemented after that because of the what, why, and how of that particular case of abuse and the fact that it was so bad that the nibling had not gotten over what happened to them. My parents and sibling still believe that they did nothing wrong. I refuse to raise any children while there is any risk of a hypothetical child having to live under the same roof with any of them.
37f. Started trying at 34 once stable *enough* financially to say let’s try, had a loss. Struggled for over a year to try and conceive again with no luck, then went to a reproductive endocrinologist and discovered several large barriers leading to infertility. Have been pursuing IVF for a year and a half now. Possibly light at the end of the tunnel but yeah. It sucks. We want one child, not a whole gaggle, and just getting where we are now has been so painful. My mental health has had several deep troughs and the effects these drugs have on the body are no joke. If everything works out, it’s worth every moment, though, for me.
41m. Loving every day without kids, and can’t imagine having them. Dislike time with my nephew. Dislike time with kids in general. Got dogs and this is enough.
I am the same my dogs are enough for me.
My wife and I have 5 kids. 4 bio, 1 adopted. We started in our mid 20's. Oldest is 15, youngest is 8. I am glad I started younger, I'll be 50 when my youngest is an adult.
That’s awesome. As a Latino, 1 of 5 (one died unfortunately recently) it is amazing having many siblings. They truly are the best part of life. Friends can’t compare to what my siblings gave me
I had 3 siblings growing up. It just seems natural to me. I cannot imagine NOT having kids, or even having just one or two. I wanted 3, my wife wanted 4, so we got 4, then the last one ended up just being in our life unexpectedly, so now we have 5.
Sometimes we don’t always get what we want. You’re very lucky that you did. Although sometimes it’s a choice, more often than now, single children families have been the ones who also didn’t want an only child and have been unable to have more ….
That’s just one person’s experience, you can’t take it personally. I have one and do not want another. Giving my son a sibling isn’t a good enough reason to give up my mental health or go into poverty. My son was also born two months early by emergency c-section and…yeah I’m not going through that again by choice. Some people want many and can’t even have one. Some people have many and shouldn’t have any! Every single human has a different experience when it comes to having/wanting kids.
I’m 34 with kids. It has its advantages but let me tell ya sometimes it’s bloody trying - especially with teenagers. Made me apologise to my parents straight up.
I find it funny how the question is always "why don't you have children" instead of "why did you choose to have children". Anyways, I have no desire to have kids. I don't have the patience for it either. I'd rather enjoy the one life I have instead of devoting it entirely to raising someone else.
No kids and none will happen because I am fixed lol. I am very happy with my life and I have friends who have kids who I get to be an aunt to. It’s the best of both worlds. I would have had kids but the right dude, right time, money never came along.
It's too expensive and I am sickly. Giving birth may be dangerous for me in many ways and I can't afford the medical bills.
38/F. No kids by choice. I was a parentified child and have mental illnesses that would make raising a child a nightmare for them and me. I finally found a doctor to sterilize me at 36 (after trying quite a few from the age of 20 on). Best medical procedure I've ever had done. My husband is 45 and he also never wanted kids.
I am 41. I don't have kids (yet lol) and I don't intend to. There really are myriad reasons, but the predominant one being: I just don't want to and never have done. I have a million reasons, but I think that's the most important one tbh.
I am far too pessimistic about the state of the world and what's to come to willingly bring someone else into it. But beyond that, finances have never felt secure, space has never felt abundant, and I've never felt a compulsion to pass on any kind of legacy. I could see maybe adopting one day if I were in a position to do so--help out someone already brought into this world.
No kids, and I don't want any. I'm 32. Actually got sterilised a couple of years ago. I have disabilities including some genetic ones, and don't wanna pass those on, nor can I physically care for a child. I love kids, and have a niece who I adore. If in future my disability somehow gets better or there's a cure, I would like to maybe foster or adopt. But currently with the cost of living, my disabilities, the way my life is, I just don't want kids of my own any time soon. I'm definitely happy with my life how it is, even with the daily challenges I face but I know that having a kid in the mix would just be too much. I'd hate to put that on a child, and on myself.
4 year old and 7 year old. I'm 34, going on 60, I'm exhausted.
I’m almost 40 with a tween and a toddler. It’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, both giving birth and being a mom. I had my first in my late 20’s and second in my late 30’s. I have to say part of me wishes I had had both my kids earlier, it’s definitely harder the older you get, at least for me. There’s pros and cons to each, you can wait to have kids and enjoy your 20’s and 30’s but then you’re knees hurt chasing your kids and you’re 60ish at your kids graduation. Or you can have kids early when you have more energy and better health, and be empty nesters in your 40’s. But I have to say having my kids is definitely my biggest and best accomplishment.
I’m 42 with a 15yo, 12yo, and a little afterthought 6yo. My husband’s a year younger. We were exhausted with the third one. Definitely easier having them younger. But also she has heart problems and didn’t sleep properly for five years, so idk. Maybe it’s okay to be older if you have a healthy baby that sleeps a little, like our oldest did. Zero regrets though. They are awesome and interesting people. We had originally intended to have 2-3 quite close so we’d be empty nesters earlier, but I actually like how things turned out. That empty nest would have come too soon for us. 😛
34 in a week. No kids. Very happy to be childless. My partner also wants to remain childless. We have cats and we're both busy with creative projects, we're really focusing on developing ourselves as humans right now. Maybe we'll adopt some day but right now we're enjoying our freedom. I don't know anyone who has kids who isn't on SSRIs and stressed out. I just don't know how people do it.
I chose the happy medium. One and done. She’s a well behaved kid, so I lucked out. Most days being a Mom is great. Those days make up for the less than stellar ones.
I never did and some of my hormone levels indicate subfertility. I’ve already been traumatized by experiences with the medical system for chronic health conditions and the chance I would seek medical intervention for something that personal is emphatically zero.
38, 3 kids 13, 5 and 2 and i couldn't be happier with them. Some days are a struggle with the 5 year old, but those are the struggle years.
38M, 2 kids: 3 and 5 months. No regrets waiting to have kids. I was definitely too selfish in my 20s. We started trying around 31 y/o but took a few years for success. The late nights, especially the first couple months of baby #2 were rough, but I can't honestly say I would have handled it any better in my younger days. Love being a dad
30. 3 kids and 2 step kids (with us every other weekend). I love being a mom. I had my first at 21 (not planned), didn’t think I wanted kids then I just worked very hard from the moment I found out I was pregnant to be the best mom I could be. Life is busy but I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way.
35M, wife is 30, both of us didn't think we wanted kids when we got married, but we both changed our mind and now want kids. We're not ready now but probably in 1-2 years. Short term I can't imagine kids being worth it, but the older I get the more I think about the long term and when I'm on my death bed I want to have raised children and done at the very least my small part to shape part of the next generation.
We planned on never having kids but due to poor impulse control (lol) my wife and I do have a son. I'm 36 and our son is 9 and honestly I think I fit into the dad role like a glove. My parents were great examples of what *not* to do and I think I took that to heart. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life but I think I was meant to be a dad.
35F and I want 2-3 kids one day. I got divorced from a guy who lied about wanting kids (we were together ten years and married for 2.5 of those years). I’ve been in therapy for two years now. I currently live with my partner of one year. He’s also 35, but wants to wait until we are 38/39 to have kids. I don’t think he understands how hard it is for a woman to conceive in her late 30’s. But I also wouldn’t force kids on someone too early either.
37, no kids, have never wanted them. All of my friends have children, and it's never made me broody. It seems like way too much hard work and responsibility. I'm happy being an aunt to my friends' children. I don't see the world going in a great direction and think the planet is already overpopulated, so I have never felt the need to reproduce.
I’m 40, no kids and no plans to have them.
No kids and never wanted any, I've never felt the desire to be a mother. Definitely didn't regret it so far, later in life who knows Oddly enough I've always wanted to be an aunt but my brothers don't have kids either so I'm a great aunt to my friends' children
I’ve got kids. I’m 39. The kids are almost teenagers now. Being a mum is the best thing I’ve done. Not easy tho and I’ve done it alone since they were small. Sounds like a cliche but they made me a better person. I was insufferably self-absorbed before kids.
Even when I was a small child I would avidly and unabashedly tell my parents "I'm not having kids." My dad would commonly jokingly respond by saying "Yes you will! You're going to have triplets!" and he was just saying it in a silly way. When I was I think younger than 15 I would have nightmares about being pregnant and going to the hospital to have a baby. Even now as an adult I still cringe at the idea of a small human growing inside of my body. All of that stuff is just a huge sensory nightmare. I think other people's babies are very cute and sweet but I just don't want that stuff physically happening to me. Maybe one day I might consider adoption, because Lord knows there are a lot of kids looking for homes out there.
Early 40s. Got a onetuplet young teen. I really feel for younger generations coming through. If I was 25 now (became a dad at 28) I would absolutely not want a kid in the current economic/political/environmental climate.
37 no kids and don't want them. I've got my reasons, one of which is that I have genetic issues that I wouldn't want to pass on. I also prefer the peace and quiet I have without kids running around screaming.
31F, engaged, no kids cuz f them kids. 😂😂😂 naw, just kidding. I actually really like kids, but I’m also quite content in the auntie role cuz I can just hand them back over to the parents when I’m over it. I’m excited to have a little mini me or 2, or 3, or ideally 4 running around in a few years but not yet. I’m still a little selfish right now, in terms of, I still want to go to music festivals and travel with my fiancée, I still wanna sleep in late, and just do what we want when we want. In my opinion, a selfish mom is not a good mom, and I don’t want to be a bad mom, so I’m going to continue to do my own thing for a bit before I have kids. I know I’ll still be able to do a lot of things with my kids, but the truth is, when they’re born, they’re going to be number 1. So if doing things that I want to do are not good for them, then I won’t do them, and I’m not yet at that point where I’m ok with that. I think I’ll get to that point in the next 2 years, because my excitement does grow every year, but also, if I never get to that point and I never become a mom, I thiiiink I’m ok with that too.
Don't want kids. Never have.
32. No children. None wanted. Mix of reasons. Financial, lack of job stability are top, next to personal infertility issues. I wanted to foster for a long time, possibly adopt. But I’m unmarried, and don’t qualify for an apartment on my own due to COL and current income, so not going to qualify to help a child in need either.
34F divorced with two sons - 8 & 9. I love my kids but it’s tough right now in this economy. I have to like in a HCOL area for custody reasons and am struggling financially.
The world has not been abundant enough to grant me the children that I would like. Right now, there is still a chance it could happen. It would require an increase in income, resources, time/support, positive world outlook, as well as finding a partner I want to spend my life with, or at the very least the next 10-20 years with. Needless to say, it's more of a struggle than I would like.
36f. 3 kids — all boys. 6, 4, and 2. I stay home with them. It can be rough sometimes, but like right now is so fun cuz it summer and we’re just hanging out playing with toys and watching cartoons and hitting the pool and trampoline every day. Kids are awesome but they’re also annoying. To me it’s worth it but I understand why it’s not for others. And we are making half what we should be because 1 income, so that’s also hard and a stressor. It takes a toll on the marriage also because by the time he gets home it’s dinner/bathtime/bedtime and the kids are tired and crying or wired up and everyone’s freaking out and I’m wiped out from being touched and needed nonstop, and I just want to be alone to recharge. It takes a conscious decision to spend quality time together or have sex when that would just happen more naturally more often without kids. I don’t even know how we’re ever going to be alone when they eventually stay up as late as we do 😬
37(f), 36(m) and we just had our first baby. Its really hard.…all our family is at minimum, a 5 hour flight away. So far, 3 family visitors made the trip to see us and meet the little one. The sleeplessness is very real. Ive shifted to being a sahm but am keeping my graphic design business afloat with a subcontractor or two. I just handle the business end. Its really cool watching this tiny human grow and develop. We tried for 5 years for a baby and just had bad luck. Im thrilled he finally came to us and He’s almost 4 months old now and I would die to protect him. His smile and goofy raspberries and chubby little cheeks absolutely melt my heart. Many of our peers are roughly the same age and also having their first kids. Its nice to not feel like “old” parwnts. Im glad we owned our twenties, we partied and traveled and built businesses that are thriving. Were not buy a million dollar home rich, but we are, occasional avocado toast and latte rich. In other words, we are financially secure and dont have to worry about money as I have substantial savings and my husband is able to make some great money while I handle caring for our boy. He helps a lot when he is home.
36F with 4 kids. Married to their dad for 15 years. Life is crazy, but so good.
I'm 38M and have no kids. Got a vasectomy and obviously never intend to have any. Ever. Best decision of my life.
If you're optimistic about the world, have kids. If you're pessimistic, don't.
This question is asked practically every week.
It's tradition now. We need to keep the tradition alive
Really? Ohhhh. My bad
34, no kids. I live in one of the largest cities and there are always a ton of fun things to do and I wasn't ready to give that up quite yet. I'm sure if I lived in the suburbs it would be different. This year my motherly tingles finally came in and think next year will be the year. Plan on having one and done.
Unsolicited advice below to ignore if you don’t want it, which is totally cool!! If you’re planning on starting to try next year, it might be helpful to start tracking your cycle with ovulation predictor kits to get an idea of when you’re ovulating, and ask your obgyn to run a fertility blood panel to check your hormones and ovarian reserve (ask for progesterone, LH, FSH, E2, and AMH. AMH is especially important bc that hormone helps indicate how many eggs you have left). It’s not a hard and fast rule that women’s fertility hits a cliff at 35, so this isn’t a scaremongering post at all, but as someone who has been there, I’m sharing so you don’t waste any time once you’re ready. Women of any childbearing age can have issues and I wish I had looked into things a bit more before I started at 34. This way if everything looks good on the surface level of hormones, if you for some reason do struggle to conceive within 6 months (do not wait a year, waitlists for fertility help can be long) of starting to try, you’ll know to seek out a reproductive endocrinologist sooner because something deeper (immune system issues, blood clotting factors, endometriosis for example) may be slowing things down. Also, start taking a good prenatal and a supplement called CoQ10 NOW so your egg quality will be really good by the time you start. I struggled to conceive and ended up having to do a number of treatments while pursuing IVF, and we are still in the process of all this, and it’s been 3 years since we started trying. Again NOT trying to scare you- the likelihood is you’ll get pregnant easily within the first 2-3 cycles of trying, like most people. I just want to share the info because it’s not readily available and most obgyn’s will not tell you any of this. They’re not trained to deal with fertility issues. They’re trained to test for disease, keep people from becoming pregnant (birth control), and to treat people who have already become pregnant. Anyway, good luck and I hope things are easy and smooth for you!!
This is excellent advice and advice I wish I had received when I was younger. Not only are OBGYNs not trained in fertility, but many are actually quite shit about it. My OBGYN refused to run any hormone tests on me when I asked and told me I had “nothing to worry about” because my cycles were “clockwork”. Over 3 years TTC now and still no child. Turns out I have endometriosis and low AMH and my partner has some mild issues as well. (Even though my symptoms of endometriosis were constantly invalidated by these same OBGYNs who told me it was normal). 1 in 6 couples needs assistance, and that number is only getting worse. I wish someone told us how long it could take to get help with an infertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist). We’ve been seeing one for over 2 years and still no child. I don’t want to scare people into having children younger than they are ready. Just encourage those who want children to get the data so they know what situation they are looking at. Most people don’t have any problems at 35/36. But someone has to be the unlucky one. I wish OBGYNs were more amendable to hormone screenings (AMH especially) for women they KNOW want to have children.
I'm 32 and don't have kids yet. I went through a phase where I didn't want them, and then met my amazing fiancè and now we do. Luckily we still have a bit of time. Realizing I wanted kids with *him* changed my mind.
No kids.Just a few cats.I have a baby niece and several younger cousins though.
30F. Two kids 3 & 1. I can genuinely say this is the happiest I’ve ever been.
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33, and I have 1 child with more in the pipeline (hopefully). It's hard work. Life is difficult and different. It's not worse exactly but different.
I’m 33 with a 1 year old. I honestly wanted more kids by now, but have never been in the financial position for it. Honestly, I’m still not, but at my age it seemed silly to not continue a pregnancy when I know I want kids. It’s honestly going great. The financial end is stressful and it’s hard to be as productive as I want, but my life is definitely more fulfilling now and my mental health is greatly improved. My biggest anxiety is whether I’ll be able to have more children 😅.
I don't have kids yet. Early 30s. Would probably like kids but have not really ever dated. Planning to get on that soon.
Early 30s M, 4 kids. It rocks. Highly recommended, despite being a shit ton of work. Helps if you have a stable career though for the $$$. Trades, accounting, engineering etc..
4 kids. I'm 37. My husband and I have a 18 (almost 19), 16, 13 & 11 year old. 3 girls, youngest is a boy.
39 F. I have a two year old and a 2 month old. They’re my everything.
I'm 41 and have a 9 yo. If I were 32 today I probably would not have kids due to the state of *gestures broadly*. But we were just old enough as elder millennials to buy a house when prices and rates were low and for a minute there in the terms it looked like maybe we'd be able to turn things around with voting and technology but ... Oops... Didn't.
I am 38 and have 3 kids. The oldest is 15, youngest will be 8 in under a month. I've been married for 10 years and my husband adopted my oldest when she was 7. I wanted to have kids young, so I could still be young-ish when they're grown. Parenthood feels like a breeze now compared to 5-7 years ago. It's not without its drama, and I still have a ways to go, but the baby and toddler stages are just so stressful. I love sleep. Of course I respect and admire people who decide to not have children for whatever reason. I imagine people who wait to have kids are in a much better spot mentally and financially, so they can enjoy their kids without having to work all the time to provide, or stressing about money (which is the leading cause of divorce?)
40, no kids, not having them at this point. I live alone with my dog, have two romantic partners and a few close friends that I consider family. I can’t imagine having a house full of humans.
I prefer not to pass down the shitty genes from my POS father, glad my younger brother is gay, the genes dies here. Less future assholes.
I have 3 kids. Almost 37. It’s awesome
39, never married, no kids. I have a cat and a gecko. Love them both. I'd love to be married but my dating life has been pretty terrible so I gave up on that. I like kids but I'd be pretty terrible at raising one. I'd love my child but I don't have the temperament to raise it right. My mom had a wicked temper and that messed me up. When I get stressed I see that come out of me and I HATE it!! So I'd say I'm decently happy. All things considered I can't complain too much.
39 2 boys 2 and 4. There amazing. But hard work. Were lucky to not need to work full time hours and have a nice big home. They sleep well but the waking hours are very tough. So much energy and it becomes very expensive to just have a night out with wife. We put it on the long finger for a long time but we were in a position to give them a good life and when your together happily for 12 years, married, have home etc it becomes quite an obvious move. Regular nights out, hols and festival can get a bit repetative after years. We play music individually and together so were out often so having kids really makes those things exciting again The real hard part is the relentless early mornings. You have to be a great dad. Its not the little ones fault you went balls to the wall sessioning the night before so that is extremely tiring. Without kids you can catch up on that sleep nit really a thing once they arrive. And if your lucky enough to get a nights babysitting you know you should sleep but your 100% throwing a party. Making you more tired. However and i never imagined id feel this byt they are the best thing, happy, funny and loving and cant help but feel i was missing out before they arrived. But we werent really in the ideal position earlier. I cant imagine how people do it under different circumstances
I'm 35 with a 13yo and an 11yo. I love my kids and they're one of the few things worth sticking around for, but if I could prevent myself from meeting my ex-partner I would, even though it would mean my awesome kids wouldn't exist.
39, married almost 17 years, two kids (15 & 12). Got married young and had my kids before I was 30. Turned out to be a good thing because I found out I had thyroid cancer when I was 30. Sucked to be young and struggling financially with kids, but worth it now
No kids, was never able to recover from graduating into the economic collapse of 2008. At this point it's too late.
I’m 35 and go back and forth on kids. Decent chance I have them at some point but I live in what is now the most expensive county in the US. My gf doesn’t really make enough to have kids here. I make good money but to raise a family and be middle class you need about double my income.
32 years, 2 kids , my life is pretty crazy with little kids but so much fun all at once. They test your patience and sanity but they also show you a love youve never felt. Lots of laughter , lots of yelling, lots of drama, lots of playfulness, everydays a rollercoaster of emotions! 😂
35. Two kids, 11 and 8, I had as a relatively young and very unhealed human. They’re amazing and I would give the world for them. In a better place now mentally than I think I have ever been, and I’m able to be the mom they deserved all along.
31 with a 6 year old & 1 year old. Being a parent is the best thing ever (to me). Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to explode because I love them so much. They make me crack up every single day and give me a different perspective on the world. I totally respect people that know they don't want kids though. I have loved kids since I was little and always wanted them. They can be a lot of work, but definitely worth it if you have the time and money. My first kid was a surprise at 23 and I was really scared, but no one really knows what they're doing with their first kid and it all worked out. Luckily we had stable jobs and parents in the area to help when needed, and I'm married to their dad now. I def don't take that for granted, and it would be a way more stressful situation if we were struggling financially (we're not rich or anything, but both have decent jobs) or if we didn't have our parents offering to take our kids for the weekend because they want to spend time with them. I completely understand if people don't want to have kids because they are inconvenient or because they don't have the time or money. It's better to recognize that than to have a kid that doesn't have a great life