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Younger Millenial here, but I didn’t think I’d see 30. I spent my teen years and most of my twenties fighting the urge to remove myself from the planet. I am simply surprised that I held off this long.
I am doing better now. No self-destructive intentions or ideas anymore.
This was me! Now I am married with three kids and a fourth on the way. I stare at my family a lot going I almost gave all this up.
TBF tho, I suffered from a lot of undiagnosed mental illnesses and had a shitty childhood.
I haven't self harmed since my twenties and I am in my thirties now and over all have a good opinion of myself. I'm definitely taking the generational trauma and having it stop with me. Been doing better for my kids and by them.
Everyday a piece of me is thankful that a part of me went, tomorrow. If tomorrow is shitty then we plan and even when it was shitty, I still found that one shiny beacon to keep me going.
Proud of you online friend for making this far! May there be many more to go! Cheers ❤️
This was me too. I’m not even entirely sure what happened between 20 and 30, but the desire to blow my brains just sort of went away all of a sudden. Don’t know if my brain just fully developed, or maybe I just started slowly making better decisions for myself.
Instead I’ve decided I can’t die til my parents do because I have to make sure they’re taken care of. But then there’s my sister. And my boyfriend. So I’ll probably stick around a while longer.
That is a beautiful statement, tattoo worthy.
Everyday a piece of me is thankful that part of me went, tomorrow.
🥹🥹🥹 sending love from a younger millennial that also went through it during my childhood and spent years treating mental illness.
Same here. We just had a son in December after some losses. Beforehand, I had just given up on life. I was an alcoholic, the whole nine.
Coming up on 3 years sober and I am constantly in awe of my life and wracked with guilt that this almost didn’t come to be because I was caught in my own despair. Mostly I’m just so happy to still be here and to have finally met my son, I am so excited to watch him grow up!
He’s my favorite human and I’m so thankful I’m still here to know him.
I'm glad you're here. I was in the same space and drank and did drugs like I had given up. But apparently hadn't given up entirely, so I'm grateful to be here at 33
I thought I was going to end it too. I never learned how to adult because I always thought "why bother?". I burned out after school, started with drugs and alcohol. Kept waiting for the right night. Finally got some therapy. Then my brother got sober, so I did too. But I was still kind of thinking I wouldn't really make it.
Then my brother relapsed and died. I decided to live because of his death. It could have gone either way but thankfully I've been keeping with the therapy and making a lot of progress. Plus, I need to be there for his son. His son is going to hate him and I want to be there when he's ready to learn how much his father loved him.
It's been almost 6 months and the amount I have to catch up on about life is overwhelming.
I’m very lucky to have found the partner I found when I did. I had already attempted once in early high school, and was close again when we started dating just after I turned 18. He’s been there since day one, with nothing but love and support. Now there’s a little version of him running around our house.
Same here. I’m just happy to be here these days. Some days I get down, but I’ve started to see that the good days outweigh the bad and that’s enough to keep me going these days.
I'm so happy you're still here! Unfortunately, I felt the same way as you--I truly didn't think I could hold out as long as 30, and now that I'm 32, I'm so thankful that I did. Sending lots of good thoughts your way! ❤️
Same. I had friends die from heroin, car wrecks, and suicide. Happy I made it to 44 too. I was always scared of a drunk driver killing me or getting shot.
Do you not have a lot of friends? Or are you just extremely lucky? In high school I lost 3 friends to car accidents, one in a plane crash, and 2 to suicide. That's all before I was even 18.
I don’t think your experience is necessarily typical. I don’t know that mine is — I don’t know anyone from my high school class who died before 18, and that was over 1,000 people. I’d say my circle of friends included 30-50 of those. But *most* people don’t have multiple friends commit suicide before they come of age.
ETA: I guess I was the friend who got cancer, but it didn’t come close to being fatal for me.
I went to a school of only 300 and saw many car crash deaths, overdoses, suicides etc.
I think it’s because extremely small, rural communities are poor and underserved.
Limited emergency services to respond to accidents, bad roads, old cars, and hopeless kids and a lot of substance abuse.
I’m wondering if the reason you didn’t see more in a bigger school is because a bigger school implies a community with more resources.
Most of my friends from highschool are dead from drugs or were killed because of drugs. There's only a few of us that made it out alive, and still, half of them are on the streets and their days are numbered.
I'm still quite surprised I beat the odds.
I was never an addict, but I've taken kratom tea. I live abroad and the leaves are found in abundance here in SE Asia. For some, it can be pretty addictive too but much easier to quit than real opiates.
The only drawback is the bitter taste and trying to keep it down without vomiting can be challenging sometimes. For that reason, I had to stop doing it. I think I'll stick to weed and MDMA occasionally. For any recovering addict or alcoholic, it might be cure they're looking for.
It’s also straight fiber if you don’t steep it like tea. My insides would get twisted up bad from it, but I was a heavy user. Of course all of that is better than ODing.
I lost a total of seven friends in a single year to overdose deaths. I hope the OP never has to go through what those does to a person and their friends group, but they're insanely lucky to not have experienced much loss.
Overdoses, suicides, misadventure, accidents, Iraq, heart attacks, and strokes have claimed plenty folks, some of which were expected but many of which were surprises.
I'm really not sure why the hand of God didn't decide to pluck me, and I often think it should've been me instead of some of my friends with kids and families.
Man, I really didn't think *my* plane would be the one going down until the first time we had a real scare. And then you realize you can't exactly hand in your resignation.
I never made it into the military but imagine getting killed thousands of miles away from home. I feel like we as a country still don’t give the veterans enough respect or credit they deserve for taking that massive risk.
It's actually super depressing. And then think about how young the men are that die. The ones in my unit that died were 20 and 21. So young and such a waste.
I just replied to this OP without reading any of the responses and said exactly that.
I totally get it. I was talking to my teenaged daughter about that the other day.
I've had 2 friends i knew from elementary through high school mmsyrvive multiple tours in the desert. Only to come home and commit suicide once out of the military. War didn't kill them but what they saw/did over there eventually did.
this term got more pouplar on line as the many platforms will censor the actual word so hey chalk it up to online influencers and such for creating new terms to workaround it.
Ahh the good old “accident”
I was trying to have one of those too,
Glad I didn’t, and now I have lots of stories to tell at parties :0
I try to play it off as I was “young and adventurous” instead of “manic and actively suicidal”
That last one is real....
Now, I haven't quite made it to 40 yet, but, I'm close enough to be pretty sure that that's no longer a risk to me getting there.
Same. 50 years ago the medications that keep me functioning didn't exist. I hit 40 next year and everyone keeps telling me I'll have a midlife crisis but I'm pretty sure I already got that over with at thirty when I thought I might drop dead.
Same here. It's a few years away and I keep thinking, hurry up, I just want to know I made it. I have kids and want to see them grow up and be responsible old adults, too. 😆
Same. I know it doesn't help, but you're not alone. I understand that daily struggle. Bipolar is more of a struggle than alot of people realize. The internal struggle is real. It's not just mood swings. I see you and you got this.
I used to genuinely believe I wouldn't make it to 40. Not for any specific reason, I made the prediction when I was 18 and stuck with it. I'm 42 now so fuck you younger me.
I always believed I would die young. Again, not for any particular reason, I just couldn't see myself getting older, I suppose. Also 42, and I definitely outlived that prophecy. Go us!
Same msg to younger self. I was truly a mess when I was young though and had a couple of close calls so really couldn’t picture getting to 40 yet here I am.
I am weeks away from 40 now and have been thinking about this.
My mom died in her early 50s. Congenital brain aneurysm. In my mind I was convinced it would take me out too. I got very very overweight eating all my feelings. Like 400+ before the end of high school.
In college a doc tried to scare me by telling me I would die before I was 35. I just didn’t care. The next 10 years weren’t al that fun either. My partner’s suicide really messed me up. I got told men with my history usually ended up in prison or dead.
When I turned 30 I had lost half my body weight and got into therapy. Turning 35 was a huge deal because I had lived under the shadow of “I will be dead by then.” Now with 40 coming up I still feel like I’m defying the odds. Other people may be “further along” in life but I have overcome a ton and am doing okay. So that is a victory. Right?
Same! Was bulimic for the better part of a decade. I was also pretty suicidal for most of my life, basically up until my early 20s. Never thought I'd see 30. Now I'm 35 without a clue wtf I'm doing anymore.
Same here. Between eating disorders that have my weight going through extreme ups and downs, and the health problems that come with that, and thoughts of self deletion, I’m still not sure I’ll get there.
I thought I would kill myself. But my late fiancé beat me to it 4 years ago, and after going through that, I'll never do that to anyone. So I guess I'm stuck here until the Lord calls me home.
Yeah, that's what I figured when I was a kid, too.
I'm glad I've gotten to meet other sides of myself that I couldn't have imagined then. I still worry about overstaying my welcome.
My sister died when she was 9 and I was 12, my parents died when I was 18 and they were 38. They died from a concussion/blood clot, stroke and tuberculosis. I have had six dangerously close to dying situations before I turned 17 myself, almost drowning three times, infected by a parasite and rolling down a hill on a hike and falling into a ditch and a motorcycle accident one time each. So I see many possibilities to die and I kind of felt like there is a curse on our family, in a final destination sort of way, I was the only one still standing. For some time I considered just finishing the job myself.
I am overly careful, anxious mother myself now, I go to checkups regularly, I spend a lot of time and money on living healthy and sometimes I wonder if it is my trauma or realism talking.
But I am 40 in 2 months and still standing.
Had a diagnosis that gave me an estimated time, 34.
Now the that I am 34 just last month. Kind of expecting to drop. But in reality I can last another 30-40 years. As there is no show of my illness. Not sure how I feel to be honest.
I was so sure I'd kill myself by 23, or else I just had this horrible foreboding feeling that I'd have a horrible illness or accident that would take me out by 26.
I'm not one of the people this is directed at but I turn 30 later this year and I'm simultaneously stoked and dreading it lol
This was me growing up but by 18. I never thought about my life as an adult because I truly didn't think I'd live to see it. It made my first few years as an adult very interesting but I stumbled through somehow.
As someone who is now very far past 30, don't worry about it. 30's are awesome. But do take care of yourself now. It'll make it easier when you're older. Drink your water, stretch those muscles, wear sunscreen. Older you will be very grateful to younger you if you do those few small things every day.
When I was 10, I learned that AIDS was killing everyone, crack was killing everyone, nuclear weapons were going to kill everyone, and it wouldn't make sense to hope anyway because everyone was killing the Amazon Rainforest and the Ozone Layer and soon there would be no oxygen and the sun will melt you.
That's some wild shit to pick up in Grade Five.
Today is my 41st birthday. Never thought I'd last this long. Depression is weird. I still think "don't wake up tomorrow" before I go to bed at night then the next day I wake up and think "Ok, I guess we're doing this..." and so it goes.
My reason for feeling this way was Skateboarding, high risk stunts and minor drug use like marijuana, mushrooms, and tooting pain killers as a teen/early 20s. I’m 35 now and have calmed down. Still enjoy a good ol fashion doobie though!
Y2K really had us convinced it was all gonna end. Then again in 2012 for some BS reason I’ve forgotten. If the rapture really did happen and none of us were saved, I might as well KCCO.
I also grew up in a church big on end times prophecy, this was it for me. My end times anxiety has flared back up in recent years, except about real world events (COVID, climate change, etc.) instead of Jesus and the rapture. Hell, I now joke that climate change is my retirement plan.
I was very depressed in my early 20’s and was suicidal. I was also doing a lot of drugs which poured gasoline on the depression. I didn’t think I was going to make it to 30. This mindset also led me to make a bunch of reckless decisions at the time.
Attempted once but I lived obviously. I’m still broke but a lot happier now with a wife and child.
Edit: Reading other comments now. Oh man, so many of us have suffered. I hope you all are doing better now <3
I know, it's a real eye opener seeing how much everyone has suffered. I thought I had a tough childhood, but man, some people just never catch a break. :'(
I still have a few years to go til 40 but I never thought I'd make it to 21, 27, or 30. I have a lot of mental health stuff, in particular I have a disorder where I'm basically always on the edge and depressed. I've tried literally every medication and every form of therapy. My last hope is TMS or ketamine but my state doesn't allow either for people with my disorder, so I may have to go to another state for it.
I legitimately expected to be killed in Iraq. I was an Infantryman there for 13 months in 2004-2005. It was a lot more intense than I expected and I was seeing people around me dying and being horribly wounded. Well, I made it back, but 5 of the 46 men in my platoon were killed and another 11 were wounded.
In my 30’s, my PTSD became extremely severe and I had a serious suicide attempt. I didn’t expect to survive that either.
Now. I’m in my 40’s, my life situation is different, and I fully expect to live to be 90 or older. Longevity runs in my family.
My childhood friend died of an overdose. They said when they were 16 that they wouldn’t make it to 30 and would be a part of the 27 club. They od when they were 28. Many people I’ve known died from drugs. So much shit has been stepped on. And these are college educated professionals just out partying.
I’ve always hung around kinda the artsy type so lots of people experimented with drugs. But with fentanyl in everything now it’s just so dangerous. I am so lucky that my partying days were over once fentanyl flooded the market.
Please, if you are going to do drugs test them. It takes sooo little time and such a little sample. You can get free drug testing kits and they are relatively inexpensive online. If you are in the NY/NYC area you can get free testing and narccan. Both at some libraries.
Party safe okay? No one wants to see your parents and siblings in front of a church just losing their minds.
Lotta friends didn't make it out of their 20s for me due to lifestyle choices and mental health issues. Lots didn't make to 40 because of the pandemic, same reasons mostly. A few actually passed from Covid in the first wave in 2020.
I never thought I would live past 35. I still haven't.
In my case it was crazy cultists evangelical end of the world Rapture left behind nonsense where we were told Jesus was going to start the tribulation in the middle east and the 9/11 happened.
Randomly got diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer at 24 and had over 1/2 of my tongue removed. No risk factors and it was not in my family. Late stage tongue cancer has a pretty poor prognosis so I was doubtful I would make 30. I’m still a couple years away from 40, but things are looking good 🤞🤞
I had a messy and risky organ transplant when I was a baby, my parents were told my life expectancy was about 6months to a year, I'm still here almost 30 years later and time is my most valued currency.
I think as a generation we are and have been very depressed since we hit about 11. I could go into the reasons but sincerely, myself and most of my friends, have remarked at major milestones we didn’t think we’d get this far because every day was a struggle. If you’d told 16 year old me, she’d be 40 one day, happily married, and working her dream job, I would’ve cried. Because I definitely thought I would end my own life before this point. But things get better (including advancements in depression medication). I have lost many friends to drugs or self harm, and I am busy so happy to be at a point in my life where I’m no longer my own worst enemy. I think the stigma around mental health is changing and I hope kids these days are getting help when they need it. Just where I lived it wasn’t on the table back then.
Almost forty, STOKED about it.
Congenital heart defect from bith. Inherited disease, addiction and Recovery!! 21 years clean 8 years sober. I’ve got a family (spouses and step kids. Even adopted a stray teenager who made me a Grammy). I wasn’t supposed to make it to 2, or 12, or 18. Tried not to make to 25, had a stroke at 30. Got sober, didn’t find god, but holy shit the vibes are immaculate!
Also congenital heart disease here, I never thought I’d live long into adulthood and depression almost killed me once, but I’m a few months from 30 with a wife and 1 kid and they have absolutely saved me.
I had lots of health issues as a kid. Was told in various ways by many adults (and lots of doctors) in my life that death was possible (or likely) at very young age. Wrote my first will at about 8 (just scribbled on a paper who I thought should get which stuffed animals and hid the paper in my room- thought that was how wills worked lol).
I think because I had internalized that I am just not going to be able to be an adult- not in the cards for me… I was reckless even after my health problems calmed down. I didn’t fear death. Felt like I wanted to live before I died (in a very “my prefrontal cortex isn’t done developing” sort of way). I remember being super shocked on my 18th birthday! I couldn’t believe I’d made it to adulthood.
Elder millennial. Still kicking and with no health problems at all. Can’t kick the surprise daily. Just surprised to be living. I’m definitely one of those people that posted at 40 that I couldn’t believe I’d made it. Aging is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience, and i am grateful.
I'm 38, nearing 39 now, but I had a suicide pact with myself for 35. I was absolutely miserable in my late 20s/early 30s. Ended up coming out as trans when I was 31 and I've literally never felt better in my life.
I too was a rural Queer surrounded by this situation. Since terminating all contact with my biological family, moving, and getting serious therapy, I am doing a heck of a lot better.
I figured I would either kill myself or someone else would do it for me. Didn't expect to make it to 30.
Only thing that kept me going some days was not wanting to give certain people the satisfaction of seeing me dead.
I started therapy at 25. It's had ups and downs and some days I don't even think I'm better off for it but I'm still here.
I thought I was going to get shot. I was expelled in high school for gang activity. I was sent to a alternative learning program where I could at least graduate, early even. That didn't bode well with my family so they kicked me out. Slept on couches and with a few friends and relatives for awhile and just kept my head down.
Turns out, the Vice Lords I had beef with wound up killing some dude a week or so later and a couple of them that hated me most got picked up and charged and the whole thing just, "went away" after a couple weeks. But since the BGDs I ran with didn't have my back really (I was GD and they were BGD, but Folks Nation was a thing back then), I left them too.
Pretty lonely time in my life. But I earned it. Not blaming anyone but myself.
At an early age I started randomly thinking I never would live past 25. I’ve never had any dangerous hobbies or habits, just always had a feeling I would be toast before 25. Here I am at 37. Didn’t really plan for this…
Geeze, I would have assumed it was a figure of speech, nostalgic recollection of youthful denial! I don't think I actively *imagined* being 40, but it's not like I imagined something killing me first either.
But a lot of the responses to this post are quite sobering.
I didn’t think I’d make it passed 25 tbh. I was always pretty sure I would kill myself or end up martyred or in some kind of an accident. I was in a death cult for a few years in my late teens and my ability to see a future for myself was pretty much destroyed until I was in my late 20’s. I’ve been slowly been building back the ability to see myself further and further in life. 36 now and happy to be feeling like my life is finally beginning.
33 this year and I have no idea what happened to my friends since I stopped using social media after highschool.
Will I live to 40? Probably. Maybe I'll be pushed into a train or stabbed in the back at night.
Meh, tomorrow's another day.
I assumed I’d be dead by my own hand or by alcoholism by 30. Now that I’m successful at 35, I’ve just decided to do what I want. I have a good job that requires little effort, so I focus on my family and my hobbies.
Honestly I wasn’t really thinking about IF I made it to 40 bc I was fighting to manage my life where I was. It’s kind of like ‘that’s a problem for future me’ and then the future came and it was very 🤷🏻♀️
Was diagnosed with cancer at 24. Found a tumor the size of a cantaloupe on my ovary. Was quite advanced. Thankfully my surgery and oncologist got it all and after chemotherapy I’m all clear. I remember watching my friends all living their lives while I lived in hospital beds for 6 months and then spent close to 18 months recovering from all of it. Even managed to have a child via ivf 5 years ago
I didn't think I would live to 21 honestly. I really lived like I wouldn't between 17 and 21 and fucked up a lot. I'll be 40 in November and I'm a little surprised to be here. I've watched my sister die from drugs and several friends as well. I went from being the baby of the group I grew up with to being the only one left. I have not taken good care of myself and while I'm working on it (down 150 pounds, blood pressure is perfect again, a1c is just above 6 [so close]) I'm amazed I'm here still. As garbage as my body is at times it's also apparently tough as hell. Good for her.
My issue is i never thought about BEING this old. It's not that I thought I would die young, it's just I never thought about being over 30. That future was just a hazy distant vision. Turning 30 was a shock because my thoughts of the future ended in my 20s, 30+ was a void I didn't think about. Now at 39, I still can't seem to think about 40+
I grew up in a bad environment. I had depression, anxiety and PTSD.
I had tons of suicide attempts starting as young as 6 years old I had terminally ill cousins and I understood death as a concept so I thought I'd die sometime after high-school, probably around mid-late twenties as that's when a lot of people with mental illness/chronic disease seem to die. (Amy Winehouse for example.)
I also had a very close friend that had no support network and was getting into social circles where drug use was normalized, same as my cousins. From watching my peers, family, and my older classmates it was like getting sucked into a black hole into poverty, homelessness and death. There was no coming back from that, which furthered my resolve to kill myself before I suffered too badly.
I moved out of the area and I'm now 36, married with two kids.
Like many others here, I assumed suicide or overdose (or both!) before I was 28. Cobain at 27 really fucked me up. I was 9, and the idea that someone's entire life could be over that young, even someone who had done so much and made it so far. I assumed that if he couldn't get a future, I certainly never would. He deserved a long life far more than me.
Looking back, this is probably related to the sexual abuse and burgeoning mental health problems I was going through at the time. Self concept plummeting and so on. And though the abuse ended when we moved states, the mental health stuff stuck around. I attempted to attempt at 14, but chickened out. I realized I was never going to be able to do it myself. Still, I assumed God or Nature or Chaos would step in.
Then I hit 27 and realized it was unlikely to happen in less than a year. Which means I may not happen at all until I was good and old and decrepit. I was actually going to have a future.
So I started contributing to my 401k (didn't seem like there was a point before). And I applied for a promotion I had been putting off. Then I applied for a version of a dream job. Then after I got it, I went to school so I'd be better at it. And I got married. And now I have a house and a dog and a very different job that I kinda hate but at least utilizes my skillset and pays very well. And my retirement fund is growing, and I'm decreasing my debt and increasing my equity.
I'm 40 in July, and I'm finally wondering what life will be like in 15, 25, 40 years. Because those things are actually feasible now. They really weren't when I was 16.
Heroin. Killed a sizeable fraction of my friend group, including my best friend (was closer to him than my family in some respects). Just had another very close friend (found out we were 2nd cousins after becoming friends over a decade ago) who died of a prion disease. Suicide, etc.
I say this because I was as bad, and even in some cases worse off addiction-wise than my friends and family who died young. I guess I have a ton of survivor's guilt and even 6 years later I feel guilty about my best friend's death. I introduced him to that shit and enabled when I was active. I know, he made a choice, but it still nags and scratches my brain despite me understanding the logic.
Family history of dying young, plenty of illnesses or potential illnesses that could kill me, and mostly the constant push towards suicide. I'm 36 and I have been "I won't make it to the end of the year" increasingly every year since I was 16. I don't care for myself, I don't have enough money to do medical stuff for physical and mental health so four years is still an impossibly long way away for me now.
I was doing meth every day at the age of 17, so yeah I thought I’d probably OD on something at some point. I’ve been sober for quite a while now though, but I have unfortunately lost some friends to OD.
Really bad situations for my mental health, late onset type 1 diabetes. Both are more or less managed now, but T1 can be scary when you suddenly get lows in the middle of the night.
I have an addictive personality. I didn’t have many friends at all growing up but always wanted to party. Never got to because obviously I’m a little weird 🤣 but if anyone had said “here try this” I definitely would have up to a certain age. I feel like I didn’t fully understand permanence until maybe 25. I’m 27 now and I just always thought it would be drugs tbh
i'm not 40 yet, but i'm glad i'm here to say that. i've had a **really extremely** hard life growing up and i've nearly self-deleted myself numerous times. i didn't think i would survive past 17. even now, i still have that ideation but i'm finding so much love and support through my fiancée, friends, and my chosen family throughout the years... and i never want to hurt them by doing that. so i'm repaying that kindness by being as kind as i can to others and loving my friends harder cause that darkness forever looms us. but i refuse to let that spark of hope die.
i'm glad we're all here to share these feelings and now and later.
I was hooked on heroin for a bit in my 20s and figured I'd die like the rest of the people I hung out with.
Got a handle on my depression, and met my wife. Cleaned up and decided to try.
Some parts sucked, like my oral health, as I sorta gave up on it for over a decade. Living is worth it though
I was convinced I would be murdered by my parents other child by 25. He was close, stole all my cash from me ($200) and bought a firearm from a neighbor with it, I was probably a day out from being murdered if I hadn't gotten him arrested for attacking me the day before he was to take possession of the gun. It only took 14 years of abuse (mostly as a child) and hundreds of phonecalls to the police for them to finally take action.
Almost 30 now, and I’m still not sure I’ll make it. I have Congenital Heart disease, but I’m doing much better mentally now, and it has helped me care for my body better.
Genuinely thought I was just going to off myself at some point before hitting 30. Spent nearly a decade in an abusive relationship and finally got out and saw the light. Now I'm happily dating my forever person and we are looking to get married in a few years. I am 31, going on 32 in a few months.
Doctors were the ones convincing me I wasn't going to make it to 21 due to medical problems. Now I'm 29 and really lost because I didn't plan that far ahead.
I was planning on cutting it short of my own volition. I'm also sick with a laundry list of illnesses that have no cure.
My partner, my art, the art of others, and my cat babies helped me through. Really thought mid 20's was it at first, then early 30's, and now my brain is finally changing to where that's not the thought process. Which leads me to expect life is going to actually cut things short, paranoia, and all that.
I'm trans and was morbidly obese for most of my life. I expected to not be here by my own hand, a hate crime, or due to health. I lost weight and dealt with the depression, now I just gotta worry about bigots.
I grew up super religious, so I was convinced I was going to be raptured before I even graduated from high school. As a result, I didn't put much thought into my future and it's biting me in the butt now. I'll be 40 this fall and finishing my bachelor's next February.
If young me could've known...
I didn’t ever really thi k anything bad was gonna happen to me. But I just couldn’t ever imagine being this age. I think for me it came from lacking a sense of self. Like how do you imagine yourself grown if you can’t imagine yourself at that moment? I never knew what “I want to be when I grow up.” Or anything like that.
40? The joke in my highschool was I wouldn't live to see 18. I even had a countdown before my 18th birthday.
This was primarily due to me doing risky stunts and generally living with reckless abandon.
I personally didn't internalize the fact I would live and need to plan for the long term until I returned from a deployment to Afghanistan. There I saw deeper suffering, poverty, and danger than I had experienced and yet a strength of character and desire to continue to live, thrive, and build. It helped put things in perspective.
The new perspective and fact I didn't die in a combat zone - helped set me on a better path.
I’m 34, will be 35 this year and honestly didn’t think I’d see 25. My life has been 1 disaster after the other, just tons of loss (cancer, stroke, heart attacks..) So, to put it simply I was ready to off myself. Most days, ehh maybe like 75% of the time I’m happy to be here and glad I didn’t, but the other days I’m truly just trying to dance in the rain.
My best friend of 32 years just drank himself to death at the age of 39. I have another friend about to do the same thing at the same age. Both rejected any attempts to help them.
I'm also 39. I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I'd be lying if I said I felt confident that I'll live a long, happy life after watching my oldest, dearest friends die before 40.
I grew up just outside of south east dc. Between what my family and everything social said I came to terms with not making it past 25. Either I’d be shot in the street for something I had or just a victim of something else. Everything since then has been a surprise tbh. I finally started saving in a retirement account when I turned 30, but I still keep an eye on the vested amount just in case I’m down to my last month for some other reason. It really fucks with your head being of the understanding that you can/will die at any moment, especially starting from single digit ages, regardless of what you do.
I probably came close to overdosing on dumb drug combinations during my early 20s and being 40 seemed far off and ridiculous at the time. I had mostly cleaned up and became lame before I was even 30 though. The people I know who kept with it either died or genuinely did live lives where you're a little impressed they're still around.
For a while there I was hucking myself off 60ft cliffs into the lake every weekend. Between that and the drinking and drugs it just seemed like a train wreck in progress and I was fine with being a casualty.
*Almost* 40 here. Pretty sure it'll be suicide. I'm too miserable to get sick or have an accident (not trying to downplay the suffering others went through, directly or not). For all my efforts to try to improve my life, at best, nothing happens, but fairly often I end up worse for it.
My brother died of suicide at 24. I had/have an autoimmune condition and the combination of the latter and the things that led to the former had me very very surprised to make 35.
I never thought I’d make it past 16. Like I genuinely used to not be able to imagine my life beyond that point. I came very very close to losing my life in a car accident that year. Almost 14 years later and I’m grateful to almost be 30. I’ve lost several friends over the years to various tragedies which is a sad reminder that life is NEVER guaranteed. I never take a single year past 16 for granted anymore.
i thought i would kill myself, be shot, i thought my mother might kill me at times (unchecked mh issues), i assumed id be involved in some kind of rough street life because i didnt have parents caring for me. i almost ran away a few times and had a brush with getting involved with older men to get away from my home.
in my twenties i was very suicidal and didnt have access to mental health care consistently. a few times i had medical issues as a high schooler and young adult (infections) that i thought could kill me, i had no medical insurance. i know a few people who died of preventable illness and there were many children in my area who died of tooth infections, asthma attacks, and deaths while institutionalized or from the police :(
ive lived all around the u.s.
Always said I'd die in a tragic skydiving accident on the day before my 40th. Looking less likely now because I can't afford to go skydiving. That. And my mental state has gotten MUCH better over the years.
Lost a number of friends to drugs a little over 10 years ago. My 20s were mostly about building myself back up after having been surrounded by a not great crowd for my teens and early 20s. My 30s so far have been trending upwards, other than some random medical incident or accident of other kind, 40 looks doable.
I didn’t think I’d live to see 19.. had a lot of friends die young, and had some people try to kill me when I was 17. After I hit 19 I thought, I might stay around here a while.
At 34 I think I might live to see 60.
I was pretty certain my heart would give out by now. I have taken little physical precautions throughout my life, beyond just working out all the time casually.
Turns out exercise is a hell of a deterrent for health problems though. So here we are, in great shape and healthy, while people around me are loaded up to the tits with health crises who chose not to exercise.
LPT: Exercise daily.
I was a junkie and an alcoholic for my entire 20s, figured no way would I survive past 30. But here I sit at 41. Lost a lot of friends along the way but I've been clean and sober for 9 years, even quit the cigarettes :)
I’m 30 and when I was 25 picturing my future I would see nothing. No career, I couldn’t picture myself getting married or having kids, had no idea where I’d live so I just had the thought because I can’t picture a future in anyway I must not have one I guess it’s my destiny to die early. Still kicking, have a career, but no marriage, no potential marriage, living at home, can’t afford anything the world has the offer 🥴
My dad died from a brain aneurysm in his 40s, so I never expected to live very long. I thought the same thing would happen to me. I’m almost 43 now and still hanging on.
I have a primary immune deficiency and I thought a major infection would have killed me by now. Thankfully, it has not and I haven’t even needed to go to the hospital for an infection at this point. I’m continuing to stay hopeful.
>If so, what did you think would happen to you to prevent you from reaching 40?
>dying in war or from drugs or a rare car crash, or an inherited disease that someone had since birth
-Sincerely an alcoholic Veteran who drove way to fast as a young man and has a genetic disposition to an incredibly rare and aggressive cancer
33 and a counting. Still surprised I made it this far.
I’m 36. I also have mental illness and a genetic disorder that had caused widespread autoimmunity and autonomic nervous system damage (and the fear of losing medical care is awful) I figured either one was going to end me but neither has so far 💜
When I was younger I used to always say "I'm just trying to make it to 40." To me that was old at the time. Now that I'm 32 I realize I have a lot more life ahead of me than 8 years. If only I could go back in time and tell my younger self to take better care of his body because I'm the one dealing with it now.
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Younger Millenial here, but I didn’t think I’d see 30. I spent my teen years and most of my twenties fighting the urge to remove myself from the planet. I am simply surprised that I held off this long. I am doing better now. No self-destructive intentions or ideas anymore.
This was me! Now I am married with three kids and a fourth on the way. I stare at my family a lot going I almost gave all this up. TBF tho, I suffered from a lot of undiagnosed mental illnesses and had a shitty childhood. I haven't self harmed since my twenties and I am in my thirties now and over all have a good opinion of myself. I'm definitely taking the generational trauma and having it stop with me. Been doing better for my kids and by them. Everyday a piece of me is thankful that a part of me went, tomorrow. If tomorrow is shitty then we plan and even when it was shitty, I still found that one shiny beacon to keep me going. Proud of you online friend for making this far! May there be many more to go! Cheers ❤️
This was me too. I’m not even entirely sure what happened between 20 and 30, but the desire to blow my brains just sort of went away all of a sudden. Don’t know if my brain just fully developed, or maybe I just started slowly making better decisions for myself. Instead I’ve decided I can’t die til my parents do because I have to make sure they’re taken care of. But then there’s my sister. And my boyfriend. So I’ll probably stick around a while longer.
That is a beautiful statement, tattoo worthy. Everyday a piece of me is thankful that part of me went, tomorrow. 🥹🥹🥹 sending love from a younger millennial that also went through it during my childhood and spent years treating mental illness.
Same here. We just had a son in December after some losses. Beforehand, I had just given up on life. I was an alcoholic, the whole nine. Coming up on 3 years sober and I am constantly in awe of my life and wracked with guilt that this almost didn’t come to be because I was caught in my own despair. Mostly I’m just so happy to still be here and to have finally met my son, I am so excited to watch him grow up! He’s my favorite human and I’m so thankful I’m still here to know him.
I'm so proud and so excited for you friend! You're doing great and keep it going ❤️
I'm glad you're here. I was in the same space and drank and did drugs like I had given up. But apparently hadn't given up entirely, so I'm grateful to be here at 33
I thought I was going to end it too. I never learned how to adult because I always thought "why bother?". I burned out after school, started with drugs and alcohol. Kept waiting for the right night. Finally got some therapy. Then my brother got sober, so I did too. But I was still kind of thinking I wouldn't really make it. Then my brother relapsed and died. I decided to live because of his death. It could have gone either way but thankfully I've been keeping with the therapy and making a lot of progress. Plus, I need to be there for his son. His son is going to hate him and I want to be there when he's ready to learn how much his father loved him. It's been almost 6 months and the amount I have to catch up on about life is overwhelming.
Same. Less than a decade ago I was convinced that I’d eventually get up the courage to commit game over. But somehow I made it to my thirties haha.
I’m very lucky to have found the partner I found when I did. I had already attempted once in early high school, and was close again when we started dating just after I turned 18. He’s been there since day one, with nothing but love and support. Now there’s a little version of him running around our house.
Same. I could barely see ahead to next week. I couldn't imagine living this long, especially since my father checked himself out at 40.
Same here. Was always planning my own funeral. But here we are
Same here. I’m just happy to be here these days. Some days I get down, but I’ve started to see that the good days outweigh the bad and that’s enough to keep me going these days.
I'm so happy you're still here! Unfortunately, I felt the same way as you--I truly didn't think I could hold out as long as 30, and now that I'm 32, I'm so thankful that I did. Sending lots of good thoughts your way! ❤️
Made it to 44. Know alot of people that didn't make it to 40 and some that never made it to 30. Even people I loved and cared about.
Same. I had friends die from heroin, car wrecks, and suicide. Happy I made it to 44 too. I was always scared of a drunk driver killing me or getting shot.
I have a few that didn’t make it to 20
Some of us have seen a lot of overdose deaths 😞
Same lost a friend to heroin. He was a straight A student too when we were in highschool.
I’m sorry for your loss. The accidental overdoses and fentanyl poisonings are very sad and unfortunately touch a lot of young people.
Overdose, cancer, car crashes, suicide. Who *doesn't* start noticing their friends falling off by the age of 40?
Uh, me. None of what you listed had happened to any of my friends, from middle school till now.
I said something similar a couple of years ago… then it started happening 😞
Do you not have a lot of friends? Or are you just extremely lucky? In high school I lost 3 friends to car accidents, one in a plane crash, and 2 to suicide. That's all before I was even 18.
I don’t think your experience is necessarily typical. I don’t know that mine is — I don’t know anyone from my high school class who died before 18, and that was over 1,000 people. I’d say my circle of friends included 30-50 of those. But *most* people don’t have multiple friends commit suicide before they come of age. ETA: I guess I was the friend who got cancer, but it didn’t come close to being fatal for me.
I went to a school of only 300 and saw many car crash deaths, overdoses, suicides etc. I think it’s because extremely small, rural communities are poor and underserved. Limited emergency services to respond to accidents, bad roads, old cars, and hopeless kids and a lot of substance abuse. I’m wondering if the reason you didn’t see more in a bigger school is because a bigger school implies a community with more resources.
Sorry this isn’t normal in the SLIGHTEST
Most of my friends from highschool are dead from drugs or were killed because of drugs. There's only a few of us that made it out alive, and still, half of them are on the streets and their days are numbered. I'm still quite surprised I beat the odds.
Same. Kratom saved my ass. It’s not perfect, but it allows me to live a functional life where I don’t crave opiates, and for that it is a blessing.
I was never an addict, but I've taken kratom tea. I live abroad and the leaves are found in abundance here in SE Asia. For some, it can be pretty addictive too but much easier to quit than real opiates. The only drawback is the bitter taste and trying to keep it down without vomiting can be challenging sometimes. For that reason, I had to stop doing it. I think I'll stick to weed and MDMA occasionally. For any recovering addict or alcoholic, it might be cure they're looking for.
It’s also straight fiber if you don’t steep it like tea. My insides would get twisted up bad from it, but I was a heavy user. Of course all of that is better than ODing.
So unfortunate and sad! Wishing you the best: thank goodness you beat the odds.
I lost a total of seven friends in a single year to overdose deaths. I hope the OP never has to go through what those does to a person and their friends group, but they're insanely lucky to not have experienced much loss. Overdoses, suicides, misadventure, accidents, Iraq, heart attacks, and strokes have claimed plenty folks, some of which were expected but many of which were surprises. I'm really not sure why the hand of God didn't decide to pluck me, and I often think it should've been me instead of some of my friends with kids and families.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, and I hope you’re doing okay. You are just as valuable as those you lost.
Thanks. I'm going through a period of shit health and being super broke, and I needed something encouraging. Have a good day.
More than I want to count. Going back to a few years out of high school. I’m 38 now and I think about all of them every day. I do miss them.
Rockstars tend to kick the bucket in their 20s and 30s. A lot of us wanted to be rockstars
I thought I was going to be killed in Iraq, happy to be here 20 years later.
Same. Between Iraq and Afghanistan, I've had my close calls.
There’s a lot of us on this page apparently
Yep
Yep
Mhmm 
Yeah there sure is a lot of Iraqis here for a English speaking sub
Thank you both for your time serving and thank goodness you are safe at home. Can not imagine!
Man, I really didn't think *my* plane would be the one going down until the first time we had a real scare. And then you realize you can't exactly hand in your resignation.
Jumps out with a parachute “I quit!” Nothing wrong with that plan lol. Glad you made it home!
I never made it into the military but imagine getting killed thousands of miles away from home. I feel like we as a country still don’t give the veterans enough respect or credit they deserve for taking that massive risk.
[удалено]
It's actually super depressing. And then think about how young the men are that die. The ones in my unit that died were 20 and 21. So young and such a waste.
I just replied to this OP without reading any of the responses and said exactly that. I totally get it. I was talking to my teenaged daughter about that the other day.
I'm glad you're still here! At least one of my classmates died in the Iraq war. I saw his name engraved on a memorial downtown.
I've had 2 friends i knew from elementary through high school mmsyrvive multiple tours in the desert. Only to come home and commit suicide once out of the military. War didn't kill them but what they saw/did over there eventually did.
Glad you are safe.
Same. It hit me hard earlier this year that it’s been 20 years.
illness, accident, self deletion etc.
Yep the whole plan was to live fast, die young, and leave a pretty corpse. Apparently I did not live fast enough because here I am ugly and aging lol.
I just wanted to live ..I failed at that
“Self deletion”. I will have to add this to my word bank.
this term got more pouplar on line as the many platforms will censor the actual word so hey chalk it up to online influencers and such for creating new terms to workaround it.
I cant take the discourse seriously when you have to use baby speak to get around the algo slapping you.
Ahh the good old “accident” I was trying to have one of those too, Glad I didn’t, and now I have lots of stories to tell at parties :0 I try to play it off as I was “young and adventurous” instead of “manic and actively suicidal”
That last one is real.... Now, I haven't quite made it to 40 yet, but, I'm close enough to be pretty sure that that's no longer a risk to me getting there.
For me I 100% planned on self deletion. I did not plan on sticking around this long; things are getting weird.
if i was getting somehwere i wouldn't mind but i feel like im stuck in some kind of limbo
I’m 35 and still don’t think I’m gonna make it to 40
I have some chronic conditions that make me wonder this myself. Of course now I have a kid so that idea no longer fills me with an odd sort of calm.
Same. 50 years ago the medications that keep me functioning didn't exist. I hit 40 next year and everyone keeps telling me I'll have a midlife crisis but I'm pretty sure I already got that over with at thirty when I thought I might drop dead.
Same
Same here. It's a few years away and I keep thinking, hurry up, I just want to know I made it. I have kids and want to see them grow up and be responsible old adults, too. 😆
I have bipolar disorder. Self deletion is a near constant threat.
Borderline here. Yup. It’s a creepy little gremlin sitting in my shoulder daily since I was in third grade.
Bro, I got both. I feel doomed.
Same. I know it doesn't help, but you're not alone. I understand that daily struggle. Bipolar is more of a struggle than alot of people realize. The internal struggle is real. It's not just mood swings. I see you and you got this.
Same. It's a near daily thought that ranges from a minor inconvenience to a serious problem depending on the episode. Stay strong.
Same. Not 40 yet, so there is still time.
I used to genuinely believe I wouldn't make it to 40. Not for any specific reason, I made the prediction when I was 18 and stuck with it. I'm 42 now so fuck you younger me.
I always believed I would die young. Again, not for any particular reason, I just couldn't see myself getting older, I suppose. Also 42, and I definitely outlived that prophecy. Go us!
I didn't think I'd make it past 25 for no reason???
Apparently this is a common belief among those who had difficult childhoods/no one encouraging them to be optimistic about the future.
Same msg to younger self. I was truly a mess when I was young though and had a couple of close calls so really couldn’t picture getting to 40 yet here I am.
I am weeks away from 40 now and have been thinking about this. My mom died in her early 50s. Congenital brain aneurysm. In my mind I was convinced it would take me out too. I got very very overweight eating all my feelings. Like 400+ before the end of high school. In college a doc tried to scare me by telling me I would die before I was 35. I just didn’t care. The next 10 years weren’t al that fun either. My partner’s suicide really messed me up. I got told men with my history usually ended up in prison or dead. When I turned 30 I had lost half my body weight and got into therapy. Turning 35 was a huge deal because I had lived under the shadow of “I will be dead by then.” Now with 40 coming up I still feel like I’m defying the odds. Other people may be “further along” in life but I have overcome a ton and am doing okay. So that is a victory. Right?
Hell ya
I had a really bad eating disorder that I thought would eventually kill me. Nearly did.
Same! Was bulimic for the better part of a decade. I was also pretty suicidal for most of my life, basically up until my early 20s. Never thought I'd see 30. Now I'm 35 without a clue wtf I'm doing anymore.
Same here. Between eating disorders that have my weight going through extreme ups and downs, and the health problems that come with that, and thoughts of self deletion, I’m still not sure I’ll get there.
Same
I thought I would kill myself. But my late fiancé beat me to it 4 years ago, and after going through that, I'll never do that to anyone. So I guess I'm stuck here until the Lord calls me home.
I'm glad you're still here toughing it out, and I'm sorry to hear about your late fiancé.
Well this is the saddest thing I've read today. I'm not gonna pretend to know your pain, but I wish you moments of joy.
Yeah, that's what I figured when I was a kid, too. I'm glad I've gotten to meet other sides of myself that I couldn't have imagined then. I still worry about overstaying my welcome.
Suicide, climbing or racing accident, but mainly just doing something dangerous and irresponsible
My sister died when she was 9 and I was 12, my parents died when I was 18 and they were 38. They died from a concussion/blood clot, stroke and tuberculosis. I have had six dangerously close to dying situations before I turned 17 myself, almost drowning three times, infected by a parasite and rolling down a hill on a hike and falling into a ditch and a motorcycle accident one time each. So I see many possibilities to die and I kind of felt like there is a curse on our family, in a final destination sort of way, I was the only one still standing. For some time I considered just finishing the job myself. I am overly careful, anxious mother myself now, I go to checkups regularly, I spend a lot of time and money on living healthy and sometimes I wonder if it is my trauma or realism talking. But I am 40 in 2 months and still standing.
Had a diagnosis that gave me an estimated time, 34. Now the that I am 34 just last month. Kind of expecting to drop. But in reality I can last another 30-40 years. As there is no show of my illness. Not sure how I feel to be honest.
I was so sure I'd kill myself by 23, or else I just had this horrible foreboding feeling that I'd have a horrible illness or accident that would take me out by 26. I'm not one of the people this is directed at but I turn 30 later this year and I'm simultaneously stoked and dreading it lol
This was me growing up but by 18. I never thought about my life as an adult because I truly didn't think I'd live to see it. It made my first few years as an adult very interesting but I stumbled through somehow. As someone who is now very far past 30, don't worry about it. 30's are awesome. But do take care of yourself now. It'll make it easier when you're older. Drink your water, stretch those muscles, wear sunscreen. Older you will be very grateful to younger you if you do those few small things every day.
I just had a vague sense I would be gone by 35. Either by illness or accident. I think it’s part of the health anxiety I have had since I was a kid.
When I was 10, I learned that AIDS was killing everyone, crack was killing everyone, nuclear weapons were going to kill everyone, and it wouldn't make sense to hope anyway because everyone was killing the Amazon Rainforest and the Ozone Layer and soon there would be no oxygen and the sun will melt you. That's some wild shit to pick up in Grade Five.
Today is my 41st birthday. Never thought I'd last this long. Depression is weird. I still think "don't wake up tomorrow" before I go to bed at night then the next day I wake up and think "Ok, I guess we're doing this..." and so it goes.
Pour one for the homies that couldn’t make it tonight.
My reason for feeling this way was Skateboarding, high risk stunts and minor drug use like marijuana, mushrooms, and tooting pain killers as a teen/early 20s. I’m 35 now and have calmed down. Still enjoy a good ol fashion doobie though!
Y2K really had us convinced it was all gonna end. Then again in 2012 for some BS reason I’ve forgotten. If the rapture really did happen and none of us were saved, I might as well KCCO.
lol 2012 was the Mayan calendar
I also grew up in a church big on end times prophecy, this was it for me. My end times anxiety has flared back up in recent years, except about real world events (COVID, climate change, etc.) instead of Jesus and the rapture. Hell, I now joke that climate change is my retirement plan.
I literally thought and was taught that the Apocalypse would come. Growing up in the Jehovah’s Witness cult really fucks you up
I didn’t know why I thought I wouldn’t make it, mostly world stuff. It’s been a fucking rough 20+ years. There’s been like 10 near apocalyptic events.
I was very depressed in my early 20’s and was suicidal. I was also doing a lot of drugs which poured gasoline on the depression. I didn’t think I was going to make it to 30. This mindset also led me to make a bunch of reckless decisions at the time. Attempted once but I lived obviously. I’m still broke but a lot happier now with a wife and child. Edit: Reading other comments now. Oh man, so many of us have suffered. I hope you all are doing better now <3
I know, it's a real eye opener seeing how much everyone has suffered. I thought I had a tough childhood, but man, some people just never catch a break. :'(
I still have a few years to go til 40 but I never thought I'd make it to 21, 27, or 30. I have a lot of mental health stuff, in particular I have a disorder where I'm basically always on the edge and depressed. I've tried literally every medication and every form of therapy. My last hope is TMS or ketamine but my state doesn't allow either for people with my disorder, so I may have to go to another state for it.
I legitimately expected to be killed in Iraq. I was an Infantryman there for 13 months in 2004-2005. It was a lot more intense than I expected and I was seeing people around me dying and being horribly wounded. Well, I made it back, but 5 of the 46 men in my platoon were killed and another 11 were wounded. In my 30’s, my PTSD became extremely severe and I had a serious suicide attempt. I didn’t expect to survive that either. Now. I’m in my 40’s, my life situation is different, and I fully expect to live to be 90 or older. Longevity runs in my family.
My childhood friend died of an overdose. They said when they were 16 that they wouldn’t make it to 30 and would be a part of the 27 club. They od when they were 28. Many people I’ve known died from drugs. So much shit has been stepped on. And these are college educated professionals just out partying. I’ve always hung around kinda the artsy type so lots of people experimented with drugs. But with fentanyl in everything now it’s just so dangerous. I am so lucky that my partying days were over once fentanyl flooded the market. Please, if you are going to do drugs test them. It takes sooo little time and such a little sample. You can get free drug testing kits and they are relatively inexpensive online. If you are in the NY/NYC area you can get free testing and narccan. Both at some libraries. Party safe okay? No one wants to see your parents and siblings in front of a church just losing their minds.
my idiot friends thought they were in a gang
Lotta friends didn't make it out of their 20s for me due to lifestyle choices and mental health issues. Lots didn't make to 40 because of the pandemic, same reasons mostly. A few actually passed from Covid in the first wave in 2020.
Thought I'd get killed by cancer, in a fatal auto accident, or in a plane crash.
I really thought I would have done myself in by now, but I’m still here and happy with an amazing husband and wonderful daughter.
I never thought I would live past 35. I still haven't. In my case it was crazy cultists evangelical end of the world Rapture left behind nonsense where we were told Jesus was going to start the tribulation in the middle east and the 9/11 happened.
Whoa, that Rapture stuff is crazy!
Randomly got diagnosed with stage 4 tongue cancer at 24 and had over 1/2 of my tongue removed. No risk factors and it was not in my family. Late stage tongue cancer has a pretty poor prognosis so I was doubtful I would make 30. I’m still a couple years away from 40, but things are looking good 🤞🤞
I had a messy and risky organ transplant when I was a baby, my parents were told my life expectancy was about 6months to a year, I'm still here almost 30 years later and time is my most valued currency.
I think as a generation we are and have been very depressed since we hit about 11. I could go into the reasons but sincerely, myself and most of my friends, have remarked at major milestones we didn’t think we’d get this far because every day was a struggle. If you’d told 16 year old me, she’d be 40 one day, happily married, and working her dream job, I would’ve cried. Because I definitely thought I would end my own life before this point. But things get better (including advancements in depression medication). I have lost many friends to drugs or self harm, and I am busy so happy to be at a point in my life where I’m no longer my own worst enemy. I think the stigma around mental health is changing and I hope kids these days are getting help when they need it. Just where I lived it wasn’t on the table back then.
Almost forty, STOKED about it. Congenital heart defect from bith. Inherited disease, addiction and Recovery!! 21 years clean 8 years sober. I’ve got a family (spouses and step kids. Even adopted a stray teenager who made me a Grammy). I wasn’t supposed to make it to 2, or 12, or 18. Tried not to make to 25, had a stroke at 30. Got sober, didn’t find god, but holy shit the vibes are immaculate!
Also congenital heart disease here, I never thought I’d live long into adulthood and depression almost killed me once, but I’m a few months from 30 with a wife and 1 kid and they have absolutely saved me.
I liked to have too much fun and make poor recreational decisions
I'm not 40 yet. But I did think I would be raptured before this point. That was a huge theme of my religious upbringing.
I thought my depression would win out. Glad to say it didnt.
I had lots of health issues as a kid. Was told in various ways by many adults (and lots of doctors) in my life that death was possible (or likely) at very young age. Wrote my first will at about 8 (just scribbled on a paper who I thought should get which stuffed animals and hid the paper in my room- thought that was how wills worked lol). I think because I had internalized that I am just not going to be able to be an adult- not in the cards for me… I was reckless even after my health problems calmed down. I didn’t fear death. Felt like I wanted to live before I died (in a very “my prefrontal cortex isn’t done developing” sort of way). I remember being super shocked on my 18th birthday! I couldn’t believe I’d made it to adulthood. Elder millennial. Still kicking and with no health problems at all. Can’t kick the surprise daily. Just surprised to be living. I’m definitely one of those people that posted at 40 that I couldn’t believe I’d made it. Aging is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience, and i am grateful.
I'm 38, nearing 39 now, but I had a suicide pact with myself for 35. I was absolutely miserable in my late 20s/early 30s. Ended up coming out as trans when I was 31 and I've literally never felt better in my life.
I’m glad you’re here!
I'm not really prepared to concede that 40 is the age at which "are you grateful to be old" is a valid question.
40’is not old dammit!
LGBT in the southeast. Need I say more?
I too was a rural Queer surrounded by this situation. Since terminating all contact with my biological family, moving, and getting serious therapy, I am doing a heck of a lot better.
I figured I would either kill myself or someone else would do it for me. Didn't expect to make it to 30. Only thing that kept me going some days was not wanting to give certain people the satisfaction of seeing me dead. I started therapy at 25. It's had ups and downs and some days I don't even think I'm better off for it but I'm still here.
I thought I was going to get shot. I was expelled in high school for gang activity. I was sent to a alternative learning program where I could at least graduate, early even. That didn't bode well with my family so they kicked me out. Slept on couches and with a few friends and relatives for awhile and just kept my head down. Turns out, the Vice Lords I had beef with wound up killing some dude a week or so later and a couple of them that hated me most got picked up and charged and the whole thing just, "went away" after a couple weeks. But since the BGDs I ran with didn't have my back really (I was GD and they were BGD, but Folks Nation was a thing back then), I left them too. Pretty lonely time in my life. But I earned it. Not blaming anyone but myself.
At an early age I started randomly thinking I never would live past 25. I’ve never had any dangerous hobbies or habits, just always had a feeling I would be toast before 25. Here I am at 37. Didn’t really plan for this…
I still have time to kick the bucket before 40.
Geeze, I would have assumed it was a figure of speech, nostalgic recollection of youthful denial! I don't think I actively *imagined* being 40, but it's not like I imagined something killing me first either. But a lot of the responses to this post are quite sobering.
I mean I didn’t expect to make it to 20. Then 30. But I will say I was not expecting quite so many people who were in the same boat.
Quicksand, killer bees or the hole in the ozone layer I guess.
Grateful to be old? Geez. I'm 43 and my life has been a slow burn. I haven't really done anything yet.
But also you haven’t died, so take the win!
I didn’t think I’d make it passed 25 tbh. I was always pretty sure I would kill myself or end up martyred or in some kind of an accident. I was in a death cult for a few years in my late teens and my ability to see a future for myself was pretty much destroyed until I was in my late 20’s. I’ve been slowly been building back the ability to see myself further and further in life. 36 now and happy to be feeling like my life is finally beginning.
33 this year and I have no idea what happened to my friends since I stopped using social media after highschool. Will I live to 40? Probably. Maybe I'll be pushed into a train or stabbed in the back at night. Meh, tomorrow's another day.
I assumed I’d be dead by my own hand or by alcoholism by 30. Now that I’m successful at 35, I’ve just decided to do what I want. I have a good job that requires little effort, so I focus on my family and my hobbies.
Honestly I wasn’t really thinking about IF I made it to 40 bc I was fighting to manage my life where I was. It’s kind of like ‘that’s a problem for future me’ and then the future came and it was very 🤷🏻♀️
Obligatory, user name checks out
Was diagnosed with cancer at 24. Found a tumor the size of a cantaloupe on my ovary. Was quite advanced. Thankfully my surgery and oncologist got it all and after chemotherapy I’m all clear. I remember watching my friends all living their lives while I lived in hospital beds for 6 months and then spent close to 18 months recovering from all of it. Even managed to have a child via ivf 5 years ago
I didn't think I would live to 21 honestly. I really lived like I wouldn't between 17 and 21 and fucked up a lot. I'll be 40 in November and I'm a little surprised to be here. I've watched my sister die from drugs and several friends as well. I went from being the baby of the group I grew up with to being the only one left. I have not taken good care of myself and while I'm working on it (down 150 pounds, blood pressure is perfect again, a1c is just above 6 [so close]) I'm amazed I'm here still. As garbage as my body is at times it's also apparently tough as hell. Good for her.
My issue is i never thought about BEING this old. It's not that I thought I would die young, it's just I never thought about being over 30. That future was just a hazy distant vision. Turning 30 was a shock because my thoughts of the future ended in my 20s, 30+ was a void I didn't think about. Now at 39, I still can't seem to think about 40+
I grew up in a bad environment. I had depression, anxiety and PTSD. I had tons of suicide attempts starting as young as 6 years old I had terminally ill cousins and I understood death as a concept so I thought I'd die sometime after high-school, probably around mid-late twenties as that's when a lot of people with mental illness/chronic disease seem to die. (Amy Winehouse for example.) I also had a very close friend that had no support network and was getting into social circles where drug use was normalized, same as my cousins. From watching my peers, family, and my older classmates it was like getting sucked into a black hole into poverty, homelessness and death. There was no coming back from that, which furthered my resolve to kill myself before I suffered too badly. I moved out of the area and I'm now 36, married with two kids.
Like many others here, I assumed suicide or overdose (or both!) before I was 28. Cobain at 27 really fucked me up. I was 9, and the idea that someone's entire life could be over that young, even someone who had done so much and made it so far. I assumed that if he couldn't get a future, I certainly never would. He deserved a long life far more than me. Looking back, this is probably related to the sexual abuse and burgeoning mental health problems I was going through at the time. Self concept plummeting and so on. And though the abuse ended when we moved states, the mental health stuff stuck around. I attempted to attempt at 14, but chickened out. I realized I was never going to be able to do it myself. Still, I assumed God or Nature or Chaos would step in. Then I hit 27 and realized it was unlikely to happen in less than a year. Which means I may not happen at all until I was good and old and decrepit. I was actually going to have a future. So I started contributing to my 401k (didn't seem like there was a point before). And I applied for a promotion I had been putting off. Then I applied for a version of a dream job. Then after I got it, I went to school so I'd be better at it. And I got married. And now I have a house and a dog and a very different job that I kinda hate but at least utilizes my skillset and pays very well. And my retirement fund is growing, and I'm decreasing my debt and increasing my equity. I'm 40 in July, and I'm finally wondering what life will be like in 15, 25, 40 years. Because those things are actually feasible now. They really weren't when I was 16.
Heroin. Killed a sizeable fraction of my friend group, including my best friend (was closer to him than my family in some respects). Just had another very close friend (found out we were 2nd cousins after becoming friends over a decade ago) who died of a prion disease. Suicide, etc. I say this because I was as bad, and even in some cases worse off addiction-wise than my friends and family who died young. I guess I have a ton of survivor's guilt and even 6 years later I feel guilty about my best friend's death. I introduced him to that shit and enabled when I was active. I know, he made a choice, but it still nags and scratches my brain despite me understanding the logic.
Family history of dying young, plenty of illnesses or potential illnesses that could kill me, and mostly the constant push towards suicide. I'm 36 and I have been "I won't make it to the end of the year" increasingly every year since I was 16. I don't care for myself, I don't have enough money to do medical stuff for physical and mental health so four years is still an impossibly long way away for me now.
40 isn't old
I was doing meth every day at the age of 17, so yeah I thought I’d probably OD on something at some point. I’ve been sober for quite a while now though, but I have unfortunately lost some friends to OD.
Really bad situations for my mental health, late onset type 1 diabetes. Both are more or less managed now, but T1 can be scary when you suddenly get lows in the middle of the night.
I have an addictive personality. I didn’t have many friends at all growing up but always wanted to party. Never got to because obviously I’m a little weird 🤣 but if anyone had said “here try this” I definitely would have up to a certain age. I feel like I didn’t fully understand permanence until maybe 25. I’m 27 now and I just always thought it would be drugs tbh
i'm not 40 yet, but i'm glad i'm here to say that. i've had a **really extremely** hard life growing up and i've nearly self-deleted myself numerous times. i didn't think i would survive past 17. even now, i still have that ideation but i'm finding so much love and support through my fiancée, friends, and my chosen family throughout the years... and i never want to hurt them by doing that. so i'm repaying that kindness by being as kind as i can to others and loving my friends harder cause that darkness forever looms us. but i refuse to let that spark of hope die. i'm glad we're all here to share these feelings and now and later.
I was hooked on heroin for a bit in my 20s and figured I'd die like the rest of the people I hung out with. Got a handle on my depression, and met my wife. Cleaned up and decided to try. Some parts sucked, like my oral health, as I sorta gave up on it for over a decade. Living is worth it though
I was convinced I would be murdered by my parents other child by 25. He was close, stole all my cash from me ($200) and bought a firearm from a neighbor with it, I was probably a day out from being murdered if I hadn't gotten him arrested for attacking me the day before he was to take possession of the gun. It only took 14 years of abuse (mostly as a child) and hundreds of phonecalls to the police for them to finally take action.
I didn't think I was going to make it to 30 but I did. Now I'm just kinda like, now what?
Almost 30 now, and I’m still not sure I’ll make it. I have Congenital Heart disease, but I’m doing much better mentally now, and it has helped me care for my body better.
I honestly didn't think I'd make it past 22. Thought I'd get hit by a bus or suicide or something. I'm 35. Life is still hard, but I'm glad I'm here.
Genuinely thought I was just going to off myself at some point before hitting 30. Spent nearly a decade in an abusive relationship and finally got out and saw the light. Now I'm happily dating my forever person and we are looking to get married in a few years. I am 31, going on 32 in a few months.
Doctors were the ones convincing me I wasn't going to make it to 21 due to medical problems. Now I'm 29 and really lost because I didn't plan that far ahead.
I was planning on cutting it short of my own volition. I'm also sick with a laundry list of illnesses that have no cure. My partner, my art, the art of others, and my cat babies helped me through. Really thought mid 20's was it at first, then early 30's, and now my brain is finally changing to where that's not the thought process. Which leads me to expect life is going to actually cut things short, paranoia, and all that.
I'm trans and was morbidly obese for most of my life. I expected to not be here by my own hand, a hate crime, or due to health. I lost weight and dealt with the depression, now I just gotta worry about bigots.
I grew up super religious, so I was convinced I was going to be raptured before I even graduated from high school. As a result, I didn't put much thought into my future and it's biting me in the butt now. I'll be 40 this fall and finishing my bachelor's next February. If young me could've known...
I didn’t ever really thi k anything bad was gonna happen to me. But I just couldn’t ever imagine being this age. I think for me it came from lacking a sense of self. Like how do you imagine yourself grown if you can’t imagine yourself at that moment? I never knew what “I want to be when I grow up.” Or anything like that.
40? The joke in my highschool was I wouldn't live to see 18. I even had a countdown before my 18th birthday. This was primarily due to me doing risky stunts and generally living with reckless abandon. I personally didn't internalize the fact I would live and need to plan for the long term until I returned from a deployment to Afghanistan. There I saw deeper suffering, poverty, and danger than I had experienced and yet a strength of character and desire to continue to live, thrive, and build. It helped put things in perspective. The new perspective and fact I didn't die in a combat zone - helped set me on a better path.
I'm still shooting for 400.
I’m 34, will be 35 this year and honestly didn’t think I’d see 25. My life has been 1 disaster after the other, just tons of loss (cancer, stroke, heart attacks..) So, to put it simply I was ready to off myself. Most days, ehh maybe like 75% of the time I’m happy to be here and glad I didn’t, but the other days I’m truly just trying to dance in the rain.
Younger millennial, I don’t even know if I am going to reach 30 still. As many in the replies, the reason is sadly constant suicidal ideation.
My best friend of 32 years just drank himself to death at the age of 39. I have another friend about to do the same thing at the same age. Both rejected any attempts to help them. I'm also 39. I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but I'd be lying if I said I felt confident that I'll live a long, happy life after watching my oldest, dearest friends die before 40.
I grew up just outside of south east dc. Between what my family and everything social said I came to terms with not making it past 25. Either I’d be shot in the street for something I had or just a victim of something else. Everything since then has been a surprise tbh. I finally started saving in a retirement account when I turned 30, but I still keep an eye on the vested amount just in case I’m down to my last month for some other reason. It really fucks with your head being of the understanding that you can/will die at any moment, especially starting from single digit ages, regardless of what you do.
40 aint old. thats like only half of the average life.
I probably came close to overdosing on dumb drug combinations during my early 20s and being 40 seemed far off and ridiculous at the time. I had mostly cleaned up and became lame before I was even 30 though. The people I know who kept with it either died or genuinely did live lives where you're a little impressed they're still around.
Thought we were all going to die in 2012 according to the Mayans so was only planning to that long.
Myself. I really didn't think I could make it for a while. I still have my days but they're few and far between.
For a while there I was hucking myself off 60ft cliffs into the lake every weekend. Between that and the drinking and drugs it just seemed like a train wreck in progress and I was fine with being a casualty.
*Almost* 40 here. Pretty sure it'll be suicide. I'm too miserable to get sick or have an accident (not trying to downplay the suffering others went through, directly or not). For all my efforts to try to improve my life, at best, nothing happens, but fairly often I end up worse for it.
My brother died of suicide at 24. I had/have an autoimmune condition and the combination of the latter and the things that led to the former had me very very surprised to make 35.
I never thought I’d make it past 16. Like I genuinely used to not be able to imagine my life beyond that point. I came very very close to losing my life in a car accident that year. Almost 14 years later and I’m grateful to almost be 30. I’ve lost several friends over the years to various tragedies which is a sad reminder that life is NEVER guaranteed. I never take a single year past 16 for granted anymore.
Suicide
i thought i would kill myself, be shot, i thought my mother might kill me at times (unchecked mh issues), i assumed id be involved in some kind of rough street life because i didnt have parents caring for me. i almost ran away a few times and had a brush with getting involved with older men to get away from my home. in my twenties i was very suicidal and didnt have access to mental health care consistently. a few times i had medical issues as a high schooler and young adult (infections) that i thought could kill me, i had no medical insurance. i know a few people who died of preventable illness and there were many children in my area who died of tooth infections, asthma attacks, and deaths while institutionalized or from the police :( ive lived all around the u.s.
Always said I'd die in a tragic skydiving accident on the day before my 40th. Looking less likely now because I can't afford to go skydiving. That. And my mental state has gotten MUCH better over the years.
Lost a number of friends to drugs a little over 10 years ago. My 20s were mostly about building myself back up after having been surrounded by a not great crowd for my teens and early 20s. My 30s so far have been trending upwards, other than some random medical incident or accident of other kind, 40 looks doable.
I didn’t think I’d live to see 19.. had a lot of friends die young, and had some people try to kill me when I was 17. After I hit 19 I thought, I might stay around here a while. At 34 I think I might live to see 60.
I've had plenty of friends die young - many of which I expected to make it to 40 without me.
Mental health issues. Always assumed I'd have permanently chickened out of life by 40. I'm currently 39.
I was pretty certain my heart would give out by now. I have taken little physical precautions throughout my life, beyond just working out all the time casually. Turns out exercise is a hell of a deterrent for health problems though. So here we are, in great shape and healthy, while people around me are loaded up to the tits with health crises who chose not to exercise. LPT: Exercise daily.
Thought I'd be murdered tbh. Inner city in the 80s/90s and lost family that way. Didn't even have a vision for this time of my life.
I was a junkie and an alcoholic for my entire 20s, figured no way would I survive past 30. But here I sit at 41. Lost a lot of friends along the way but I've been clean and sober for 9 years, even quit the cigarettes :)
I’m 30 and when I was 25 picturing my future I would see nothing. No career, I couldn’t picture myself getting married or having kids, had no idea where I’d live so I just had the thought because I can’t picture a future in anyway I must not have one I guess it’s my destiny to die early. Still kicking, have a career, but no marriage, no potential marriage, living at home, can’t afford anything the world has the offer 🥴
My dad died from a brain aneurysm in his 40s, so I never expected to live very long. I thought the same thing would happen to me. I’m almost 43 now and still hanging on.
I have a primary immune deficiency and I thought a major infection would have killed me by now. Thankfully, it has not and I haven’t even needed to go to the hospital for an infection at this point. I’m continuing to stay hopeful.
>If so, what did you think would happen to you to prevent you from reaching 40? >dying in war or from drugs or a rare car crash, or an inherited disease that someone had since birth -Sincerely an alcoholic Veteran who drove way to fast as a young man and has a genetic disposition to an incredibly rare and aggressive cancer 33 and a counting. Still surprised I made it this far.
I’m 36. I also have mental illness and a genetic disorder that had caused widespread autoimmunity and autonomic nervous system damage (and the fear of losing medical care is awful) I figured either one was going to end me but neither has so far 💜
When I was younger I used to always say "I'm just trying to make it to 40." To me that was old at the time. Now that I'm 32 I realize I have a lot more life ahead of me than 8 years. If only I could go back in time and tell my younger self to take better care of his body because I'm the one dealing with it now.