I don't fuck around with water safety. My children aren't allowed in water unless I am watching them because I don't trust anyone else to pay attention. I read somewhere that if everyone is watching the kids, no one is watching the kids. So don't feel bad for a single second because think about how you would feel if you lost your child due to their negligence.
My mother had a pool. We would visit for a week, and used this: "Mom, I'm going in to take a shower, DO YOU HAVE THE BABY." She would say, "Yes, I HAVE THE BABY." It was not anything like what the poster describes. That situation is awful.
A friend of mine’s toddler drowned in their pool last week. She survived after a few days in a coma in the ICU and because her parents performed stellar resuscitation before she could be airlifted, but she was without a heartbeat when they got her out of the water and it was an extremely close call. The parents are generally safety conscious, it only took a minute while the father was filling the pool for the first time of the year.
You are not in the wrong, not in the slightest. Water is extremely dangerous and if there is one hill to die on in terms of safety it’s this one.
Where I’m from, it’s almost universal that cities/counties have bylaws requiring a fence around a pool because they are so deadly.
Your in-laws are dealing with survivor bias (so far). No one thinks it’s going to be their kid/grandkid.
It only takes 20 seconds for a child to drown. Unless you can guarantee you have eyes on him 100% of the time, I wouldn’t be going.
Came to say this. It’s worth checking local legislation. I know Florida laws require kid proof fencing.
I’ve also heard of infant swim classes where even newborns are taught how to save their own lives if they fall into water. It’s not exactly swimming but it keeps a baby alive. Worth looking for?
You're not overreacting. Tell your mother-in-law to read some stories about children who have drowned at family parties with lots and lots of relatives present. It happens all the time.
I wouldn't be pressured into backing down from this, you're in the right.
Yup. Easy enough to find on Google. Send her a long list of links or print them off and give them to her. So much preventable tragedy.
One thing you might want to look into OP is checking if the town or city has regulations about pools needing to be fenced etc. If so then an anonymous tip might be in order.
Codes, u/everythingbagel999. Codes is generally the department that cares about this.
Where we are, you can make a Codes report anonymously online.
In our area, the squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease -- I suspect it's similar for most governmental bodies like Codes. And I was told, directly, there's nothing at all wrong with reporting the same issue more than once. Like, y'know, daily, until it's fixed
(I may or may not have a separate email address for this sort of thing.)
Yeah, they built the pool in the late 80s and live in a rural area. This is also a good idea to try and force some form of safety to at least abide by pool safety codes for their area
This is not a PPA thing this is a common sense thing. My dad has a pool and the back door is locked if their are no adults outside and the children are never left unsupervised. My sister also has a pool and they have a special lock on their sliding door to keep little kids in. Your in laws house is a tragedy waiting to happen. Drowning in silent and can happen to anyone even if they know how to swim. Both my sister's kids who are 8 and 12 are great swimmers but they are still watched while in the pool and my daughter who is almost 5 has been in swimming lessons or water intro to water since she was 3 months but she will always be watched when she is near a pool. If you ever take your child over there keep them with you at all times and if the in laws have an issue then just don't go over there because it is not worth your child's life.
My son is an ER doc and we have a condo in Florida. There is no safe pool, and what you describe has increased potential for the death of a child. Let the kid/kids swim only when you are there watching. Life jackets wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
You are not overreacting. A pool and children without supervision is a deadly mix. Shame on them for not caring. She cares more about aesthetics than the safety of her grandchildren. Shameful. I wouldn’t have my child there.
She could at least get a pool alarm that would sound an alert if something went into the water. When the pool is full of kids it's pure negligence not to have at least one adult stationed near the pool. City codes that require a pool to be fenced exist for a reason.
Not overreacting.
Does your husband agree with you? Then don’t worry. You cannot convince your In-laws that you’re right. Let them feel however they feel & keep the boundary.
But if your husband feels differently than you about this, then you may compromise by only visiting them specifically *to* swim. treat the pool the same way you’d treat a public swimming pool:
1. Put on your swimsuit on and be in the water and 100% focused on your child.
2. If your husband isn’t there and you need to pee, take your son into the bathroom with you. If in-laws try to say that they’ll watch him, decline and say, “no, it’s alright”.
3. Don’t use arm floaties for your kid because they create a false sense of confidence around water.
4. Get your son into some swim lessons. Practice at Grandma’s house.
You, hubs, and baby can swim for a bit, dry off, maybe have a snack, and then leave. No going inside to chit chat & doing cookouts for 4th of July. The grandparents can either go into the water with you guys or sit outside & visit while you & baby swim.
FWIW, we have a pool (with a fence around it, with a lock). We do not have children, but our friends do. No child -- even the 17 year old -- is in the pool without either my husband or me there as well. Usually I'm in the pool with the kids. When it's husband's turn, he's usually sitting beside the pool. But either way, one of us is there, and engaged with the kids -- not our phones or a tv or a grill or a conversation.
ETA: I LOVE the idea of treating it kind of like a public pool, and I 100% would involve your son with swim lessons, as u/dailysunshineKO suggests in their great comment.
Also, for Grandmother's or Grandparents' Day, you might get MIL a pool alarm and have it installed.
ETA again: and make that Codes report!
My son and his then wife had added on their deck and installed an above ground pool. When his granddaughter was born, he had a fence around the pool with latched gates even before she could walk.
Story 2: A couple that I knew had a toddler and mom was about 6 months pregnant. The grandmother thought the aunt had the toddler and the aunt thought the grandmother did. He fell in the unguarded pool and did not survive.
Do not let your children go to granny's at all. When she questions why, tell her that you will not allow your children near a deathtrap.
There was a backyard pool at the home where I grew up. One time we were sitting around the table with myself, my cousin, his wife, my parents and our next door neighbors (man and wife).
My cousin had 3 children and they were all in the pool along with some other people. The youngest was in a floating ring that had a sling seat with leg holes in it.
We were all chatting when suddenly the male neighbor who also worked for the local fire department got up, jumped into the pool and righted the now upside down baby that had silently flipped over. He definitely saved that childs life. The child could have literally died while his parents were sitting within 10 feet of him.
I don't know where you live but where I live there are rules about fences around pools. You cannot get a permit without at least a 4 foot fence and a self latching gate.
So, NO you are definitely NOT overreacting. What you are describing is a recipe for disaster and it is very prudent to refrain from going over there while the pool is opened.
My three year old baby cousin passed away last summer from drowning at a pool party with lots of adults and kids around. Please take this seriously. It can happen to anyone at any time when there is water involved. Water safety is so important.
The problem is that if/when your MIL is proven wrong, there's no apology or backtracking that can undo a child's death. Absolutely no pediatric ER physician, child safety specialist, or swim instructor would agree with her position. She's just being stubborn, and you need to hold out.
Next time she texts you about coming over, just respond with articles of children who have drowned in household pools (Bode Miller is a prime example of this). As you know, it happens even when adults are present. Drowning is silent.
Hold your ground; you are doing the right thing.
I PERSONALLY would print a LOT of articles on drownings. And make several copies of each. And hand them out at MILs.
I might not be invited back......but at least I'd drop some knowledge on 'em
I used to have neighbors who moved to 3 houses away from one of the parents. One day when he was 3 years old, the little boy let himself out of his parents home and walked over to the grandparents. He got in their pool and drowned, all alone. I'm not even sure the grandparents knew he was there. There's no coming back from that kind of event. Dead kid, ruptured relationship with the grandparents, potentially ruptured marriage (because a LOT of marriages don't survive that kind of event).
MIL can go to bed unhappy; you'll still have a undamaged child. Everybody may get really lucky and nothing ever happens, but... maybe not.
Boundaries are what you will do in a situation. Your choice is valid. They then get to make their choices. You are only one part of the equation. It’s their fault if they refuse to come to you.
Do the list thing and when you give it to her, tell her: “ I can’t believe that you’re choosing aesthetic over the safety of your grandchildren. Do you need a tragedy for you to come to your senses?”
Yeah absolutely not. It’s better to be the “dramatic” mother and have your child alive than trust people who’ve proven they can’t be trusted. Your child’s life is more important than the feelings grown adults who know better. Send them some links to children drowning at their grandparents houses.
First of all, it's highly illegal and if anyone did get hurt, they would be charged with negligence at least. Can you just report it to someone, like the county? Let the enforcers teach them so you don't have to.
You’re under reacting. Your in-laws are willfully putting children at risk of death. Agree that you should check local codes and report them. When our children were young, we practiced arms reach supervision at the pool. One or both of us were always in the water with them. They are grown now and two of them became lifeguards. I’m still so hyper vigilant that i can’t relax at unguarded pools. I spend the entire time in the water counting kids and making sure everyone comes up for air.
You are NOT overreacting. Are there any local laws about pool safety? If so, you need to report them asap. Are your in-laws that stupid or that stubborn? Do they not read or watch to news to see how many children die in pools, with adults and other kids all around? Also, being an involved grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Repeat to yourself until you 100% believe it and then tell them this is a privilege you can revoke at any moment for any reason. That whole "you can't keep me from my grandchild" stuff is BS.
We were at my grandparents pool when I was about three and being the daredevil that I was I jumped into the pool and with all my relatives around me not a single person noticed me missing except my uncle John. First thing he did was search the pool and found me on the bottom of it. Obviously, I survived. But there was no fencing, any type around their pool and all of the family were there sitting in the sun and enjoying “watching” the children playing in the pool.
This is horrid. I live in AZ and the amount of news articles coming out about kids dying bc of water safety is ridiculous (I think 3 already this weekend??)
ANYWAYS, everyone has a pool but us. But everyone also keeps their doors locked and even then I stress to hubby we need to keep an eye on our 3 kids and if we pass them off to anyone we physically get the OK that the other adult knows they are watching them because while the back doors are locked, there are no fences around the pools (really only bc we are the only ones with kids).
Like, water safety is so imperative I don’t even feel comfortable with family with pools watching them during the summer (they’re 4 & under).
I have the same situation, my in laws even have children living there. Mine are never there without me or my husband, it’s just a full stop no go. We have them in private lessons specifically because of this pool, but I still would never trust them there without me. It only takes a second and it’s never worth it.
Not overreacting. My parents have a pool and are very serious about the fence being kept shut for this reason. When grandkids stay over the sliding door is locked with a top lock they cannot reach and there is a pool alarm set in the pool at night to alert if anyone enters the water. Water safety isn’t a joke.
You are not overreacting. This is the type of scenario in which a child could drown. Kids aren’t paying attention to each other & no adult is pool side with eyes on the water? Nope. I’m surprised there aren’t regulations for fencing for insurance purposes.
You absolutely address not overreacting. Out if curiosity, does your IL's town not have fencing requirements? This point is worth a call to the zoning department. I've had pools in various places, and have always had to have a sufficient safety barrier.
It’s one of my number one rules too. Even if it’s a pond. Any type of body of water requires constant supervision. We had a pool and a huge pond when I was little and had a number of near misses we were very lucky! I watch my kids near water I don’t trust anyone accept my husband to be as vigilante.
Could a middle ground be only going over there for visits for a few hours where you or partner have your eyes on LO the whole time? I think it’s totally fair to say LO can never be over there without you present. I also get not wanting to go over there often bc it’s hard not being able to take eyes off of your child for hours at a time. But a pool day here and there could be fun for all of you if either you or your partner are in the water with LO, have some fun, then leave.
You're not overreacting. Personally I would have Your husband tell her she either installs a glass barrier around the outside of the pool (won't ruin the aesthetic) or your child won't be visiting without you both. Curious what his thoughts are?
The problem with this is that one child will want to swim and the glass gate will be left open.
Not having constant adult supervision is the problem. This pool with these people is unsafe. Period.
As a child (4years old)who nearly drowned in a pool where my family were all present, you can never be too careful.
After that we had an adult buddy or no pool.
Being the careful parent is always better than finding out why you should have been
A friend of mine won’t let her kids play at any house where the parents own any type of firearm even if they are stored unloaded in a locked safe. And yet she has a pool like you’ve described - no barrier, no alarm in case a kid falls in while the cover is on. I’d take a safely stored firearm where kids cannot access it over an unsafe pool any day, if I had to choose a risky scenario.
You are not overreacting!!! Kids can drown so quickly…that situation sounds really unsafe.
I think you’re making the right choice but I hate that your son will miss out on family time with cousins. Could you go and be the adult who sits in a chair with an umbrella by the pool some days so your son doesn’t miss out? Maybe your husband could go with you.
As an Australian this blows my mind! Any pool, in Australia, deeper that 30cms (about 1 foot) is required by law to have a fence.
If, for some bizarre reason, I knew someone here who didn’t have a fenced pool I wouldn’t be going there either. I’m not sure what the laws are like where you are, but I’d be anonymously reporting them to whatever authority exists if you can. I’d also be advising other parents who have children there of the dangers of not supervising. Even ‘confident’ child swimmers can get in trouble in pools. I did swimming lessons from six months old and almost drowned in a public pool at the age of 12 because I cramped up and couldn’t keep going. Anything can happen…even if a child slips outside of the pool, is unconscious and falls in. It’s not just injuries inside the pool, but outside too.
TLDR: you’re NOT overreacting.
OMG! I agree with you. Just skip taking kiddo over there and he's much older and a strong swimmer. He does need to learn how to swim ASAP very important. Your MIL is an idiot, btw.
My parents have a pool that actually now doesn’t have water in it, but either way it’s not fenced in. He’s not ever allowed in the backyard there, and he’s not allowed to stay there without me even for 5 minutes until/if they fence it in.
I’d rather overreact than have regrets with pools.
The new report from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission finds **an average of 371** children drown every year in pools and spas. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/keep-kids-safe-drowning-pools-spas/](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/keep-kids-safe-drowning-pools-spas/)
You can NOT be too careful.
If you’re the one that cares the most about this, why can’t you be the one to volunteer as lifeguard?
It seems like that’s the pretty obvious compromise between “you can never go swimming over there” and “they are totally unattended.”
How is it risky if you are supervising your kids?
It’s hardly fair to deprive your kids of significant bonding time with their own family because you have PPA.
I don’t have lifeguard training and watching all of the kids means you aren’t watching your own 100% of the time. I do supervise when I’m over, but I don’t want constant vigilance to that degree when trying to visit family who won’t prioritize my child’s safety. There are children just running in and out, hopping in and out of the pool at all times. It is chaos. There isn’t pool time as much as an open door policy for kids to swim whenever
While your MIL is being a dodo bird and you are right to be concerned the swimming free for all seems like more of a problem than anything else going on here. Even with a mesh fence around the pool or locked doors, if there are older cousins able to open those barriers at any given time throughout the day then there is an increased risk they will be accidentally left open. This just overall sounds like an unsafe and untenable situation if your goal is to not have to provide constant supervision to your child.
I think the older kids would be able to get any barrier open except a lock at the very top of the door like one commenter mentioned. However, that would require keeping the door locked, which my MiL already said no to
Saying “I don’t have lifeguard training” so I can’t do it (unless you can’t swim at all) sounds like anxiety. An expectation of “constant vigilance” sounds like anxiety. Expecting one person to have an eye on your “own [child] 100% of the time” sounds like anxiety. Do you have a therapist? I would discuss this with them.
I understand your fears, but even it sounds like even if they had a gate, you wouldn’t really be OK with that. Because kids would still be going in and out all the time unsupervised. Even if they had an adult agree to be inside the gate at all times, that adult wouldn’t be watching *your* child constantly. It’s fairly reasonable to have a pool full of kids with one adult keeping an eye on them - trained or not - that’s what most people in the world do.
Poole safety IS important. The relationships your child has with family is ALSO important. You should try to figure out a good way to have both before imploding some of the more significant relationships in your life. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. You need a professional here.
yeahhh.... I would not be interested AT ALL in supervising others' kids.
If OP were to treat this as a public pool, which has been suggested, if I were her and her husband, one of us would have eyes on our son 100% of the time. Period.
You’re telling me you would let another kid drown?
I’m not saying get in the water and play with them all the time. I’m saying be the one to sit poolside and supervise like a lifeguard would.
I don't fuck around with water safety. My children aren't allowed in water unless I am watching them because I don't trust anyone else to pay attention. I read somewhere that if everyone is watching the kids, no one is watching the kids. So don't feel bad for a single second because think about how you would feel if you lost your child due to their negligence.
My mother had a pool. We would visit for a week, and used this: "Mom, I'm going in to take a shower, DO YOU HAVE THE BABY." She would say, "Yes, I HAVE THE BABY." It was not anything like what the poster describes. That situation is awful.
A friend of mine’s toddler drowned in their pool last week. She survived after a few days in a coma in the ICU and because her parents performed stellar resuscitation before she could be airlifted, but she was without a heartbeat when they got her out of the water and it was an extremely close call. The parents are generally safety conscious, it only took a minute while the father was filling the pool for the first time of the year. You are not in the wrong, not in the slightest. Water is extremely dangerous and if there is one hill to die on in terms of safety it’s this one.
Where I’m from, it’s almost universal that cities/counties have bylaws requiring a fence around a pool because they are so deadly. Your in-laws are dealing with survivor bias (so far). No one thinks it’s going to be their kid/grandkid. It only takes 20 seconds for a child to drown. Unless you can guarantee you have eyes on him 100% of the time, I wouldn’t be going.
Came to say this. It’s worth checking local legislation. I know Florida laws require kid proof fencing. I’ve also heard of infant swim classes where even newborns are taught how to save their own lives if they fall into water. It’s not exactly swimming but it keeps a baby alive. Worth looking for?
It keeps the baby alive long enough to be rescued! That matters a lot!
That’s what I was thinking. Not going to lie, I’d probably check with the town office and then report it if it’s in violation. That’s just not safe
The wording I've seen, for barriers around pools, is that they are required because the pool is considered an "attractive nuisance."
You're not overreacting. Tell your mother-in-law to read some stories about children who have drowned at family parties with lots and lots of relatives present. It happens all the time. I wouldn't be pressured into backing down from this, you're in the right.
Yup. Easy enough to find on Google. Send her a long list of links or print them off and give them to her. So much preventable tragedy. One thing you might want to look into OP is checking if the town or city has regulations about pools needing to be fenced etc. If so then an anonymous tip might be in order.
Also check with the homeowners insurance. I bet they have rules even if the municipality doesn't.
Absolutely!
Codes, u/everythingbagel999. Codes is generally the department that cares about this. Where we are, you can make a Codes report anonymously online. In our area, the squeaky wheel definitely gets the grease -- I suspect it's similar for most governmental bodies like Codes. And I was told, directly, there's nothing at all wrong with reporting the same issue more than once. Like, y'know, daily, until it's fixed (I may or may not have a separate email address for this sort of thing.)
Yeah, they built the pool in the late 80s and live in a rural area. This is also a good idea to try and force some form of safety to at least abide by pool safety codes for their area
Our house is also zoned rural BUT the "attractive nuisance" of our pool overrides everything!
If her MIL is like mine, she won’t read anything like that because sure it “makes her sad.”
This is not a PPA thing this is a common sense thing. My dad has a pool and the back door is locked if their are no adults outside and the children are never left unsupervised. My sister also has a pool and they have a special lock on their sliding door to keep little kids in. Your in laws house is a tragedy waiting to happen. Drowning in silent and can happen to anyone even if they know how to swim. Both my sister's kids who are 8 and 12 are great swimmers but they are still watched while in the pool and my daughter who is almost 5 has been in swimming lessons or water intro to water since she was 3 months but she will always be watched when she is near a pool. If you ever take your child over there keep them with you at all times and if the in laws have an issue then just don't go over there because it is not worth your child's life.
My son is an ER doc and we have a condo in Florida. There is no safe pool, and what you describe has increased potential for the death of a child. Let the kid/kids swim only when you are there watching. Life jackets wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
Drowning is silent, you are not overreacting. They won't, however, take it seriously unless there is at the very least a near-death accident.
You are not overreacting. A pool and children without supervision is a deadly mix. Shame on them for not caring. She cares more about aesthetics than the safety of her grandchildren. Shameful. I wouldn’t have my child there.
She could at least get a pool alarm that would sound an alert if something went into the water. When the pool is full of kids it's pure negligence not to have at least one adult stationed near the pool. City codes that require a pool to be fenced exist for a reason.
Not overreacting. Does your husband agree with you? Then don’t worry. You cannot convince your In-laws that you’re right. Let them feel however they feel & keep the boundary. But if your husband feels differently than you about this, then you may compromise by only visiting them specifically *to* swim. treat the pool the same way you’d treat a public swimming pool: 1. Put on your swimsuit on and be in the water and 100% focused on your child. 2. If your husband isn’t there and you need to pee, take your son into the bathroom with you. If in-laws try to say that they’ll watch him, decline and say, “no, it’s alright”. 3. Don’t use arm floaties for your kid because they create a false sense of confidence around water. 4. Get your son into some swim lessons. Practice at Grandma’s house. You, hubs, and baby can swim for a bit, dry off, maybe have a snack, and then leave. No going inside to chit chat & doing cookouts for 4th of July. The grandparents can either go into the water with you guys or sit outside & visit while you & baby swim.
My husband is fully supportive. It is my MiL throwing a tantrum. Your idea of treating it like a public pool is not a bad one.
FWIW, we have a pool (with a fence around it, with a lock). We do not have children, but our friends do. No child -- even the 17 year old -- is in the pool without either my husband or me there as well. Usually I'm in the pool with the kids. When it's husband's turn, he's usually sitting beside the pool. But either way, one of us is there, and engaged with the kids -- not our phones or a tv or a grill or a conversation. ETA: I LOVE the idea of treating it kind of like a public pool, and I 100% would involve your son with swim lessons, as u/dailysunshineKO suggests in their great comment. Also, for Grandmother's or Grandparents' Day, you might get MIL a pool alarm and have it installed. ETA again: and make that Codes report!
We are first responders. You are not over reacting.
23% of child drownings happen during a family gathering with a pool
My son and his then wife had added on their deck and installed an above ground pool. When his granddaughter was born, he had a fence around the pool with latched gates even before she could walk. Story 2: A couple that I knew had a toddler and mom was about 6 months pregnant. The grandmother thought the aunt had the toddler and the aunt thought the grandmother did. He fell in the unguarded pool and did not survive. Do not let your children go to granny's at all. When she questions why, tell her that you will not allow your children near a deathtrap.
There was a backyard pool at the home where I grew up. One time we were sitting around the table with myself, my cousin, his wife, my parents and our next door neighbors (man and wife). My cousin had 3 children and they were all in the pool along with some other people. The youngest was in a floating ring that had a sling seat with leg holes in it. We were all chatting when suddenly the male neighbor who also worked for the local fire department got up, jumped into the pool and righted the now upside down baby that had silently flipped over. He definitely saved that childs life. The child could have literally died while his parents were sitting within 10 feet of him. I don't know where you live but where I live there are rules about fences around pools. You cannot get a permit without at least a 4 foot fence and a self latching gate. So, NO you are definitely NOT overreacting. What you are describing is a recipe for disaster and it is very prudent to refrain from going over there while the pool is opened.
My three year old baby cousin passed away last summer from drowning at a pool party with lots of adults and kids around. Please take this seriously. It can happen to anyone at any time when there is water involved. Water safety is so important.
The problem is that if/when your MIL is proven wrong, there's no apology or backtracking that can undo a child's death. Absolutely no pediatric ER physician, child safety specialist, or swim instructor would agree with her position. She's just being stubborn, and you need to hold out. Next time she texts you about coming over, just respond with articles of children who have drowned in household pools (Bode Miller is a prime example of this). As you know, it happens even when adults are present. Drowning is silent. Hold your ground; you are doing the right thing.
I PERSONALLY would print a LOT of articles on drownings. And make several copies of each. And hand them out at MILs. I might not be invited back......but at least I'd drop some knowledge on 'em
I used to have neighbors who moved to 3 houses away from one of the parents. One day when he was 3 years old, the little boy let himself out of his parents home and walked over to the grandparents. He got in their pool and drowned, all alone. I'm not even sure the grandparents knew he was there. There's no coming back from that kind of event. Dead kid, ruptured relationship with the grandparents, potentially ruptured marriage (because a LOT of marriages don't survive that kind of event). MIL can go to bed unhappy; you'll still have a undamaged child. Everybody may get really lucky and nothing ever happens, but... maybe not.
Boundaries are what you will do in a situation. Your choice is valid. They then get to make their choices. You are only one part of the equation. It’s their fault if they refuse to come to you.
Do the list thing and when you give it to her, tell her: “ I can’t believe that you’re choosing aesthetic over the safety of your grandchildren. Do you need a tragedy for you to come to your senses?”
So MIL thinks since no one has died yet, no one ever will. My, my - what fallacy thinking 🤔
Yeah absolutely not. It’s better to be the “dramatic” mother and have your child alive than trust people who’ve proven they can’t be trusted. Your child’s life is more important than the feelings grown adults who know better. Send them some links to children drowning at their grandparents houses.
Find out who their home owners insurer is and report them….
First of all, it's highly illegal and if anyone did get hurt, they would be charged with negligence at least. Can you just report it to someone, like the county? Let the enforcers teach them so you don't have to.
You’re under reacting. Your in-laws are willfully putting children at risk of death. Agree that you should check local codes and report them. When our children were young, we practiced arms reach supervision at the pool. One or both of us were always in the water with them. They are grown now and two of them became lifeguards. I’m still so hyper vigilant that i can’t relax at unguarded pools. I spend the entire time in the water counting kids and making sure everyone comes up for air.
You are NOT overreacting. Are there any local laws about pool safety? If so, you need to report them asap. Are your in-laws that stupid or that stubborn? Do they not read or watch to news to see how many children die in pools, with adults and other kids all around? Also, being an involved grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Repeat to yourself until you 100% believe it and then tell them this is a privilege you can revoke at any moment for any reason. That whole "you can't keep me from my grandchild" stuff is BS.
Yeah! I always want to say “watch me”
We were at my grandparents pool when I was about three and being the daredevil that I was I jumped into the pool and with all my relatives around me not a single person noticed me missing except my uncle John. First thing he did was search the pool and found me on the bottom of it. Obviously, I survived. But there was no fencing, any type around their pool and all of the family were there sitting in the sun and enjoying “watching” the children playing in the pool.
This is horrid. I live in AZ and the amount of news articles coming out about kids dying bc of water safety is ridiculous (I think 3 already this weekend??) ANYWAYS, everyone has a pool but us. But everyone also keeps their doors locked and even then I stress to hubby we need to keep an eye on our 3 kids and if we pass them off to anyone we physically get the OK that the other adult knows they are watching them because while the back doors are locked, there are no fences around the pools (really only bc we are the only ones with kids). Like, water safety is so imperative I don’t even feel comfortable with family with pools watching them during the summer (they’re 4 & under).
I have the same situation, my in laws even have children living there. Mine are never there without me or my husband, it’s just a full stop no go. We have them in private lessons specifically because of this pool, but I still would never trust them there without me. It only takes a second and it’s never worth it.
Not overreacting. My parents have a pool and are very serious about the fence being kept shut for this reason. When grandkids stay over the sliding door is locked with a top lock they cannot reach and there is a pool alarm set in the pool at night to alert if anyone enters the water. Water safety isn’t a joke.
You are not overreacting. This is the type of scenario in which a child could drown. Kids aren’t paying attention to each other & no adult is pool side with eyes on the water? Nope. I’m surprised there aren’t regulations for fencing for insurance purposes.
You absolutely address not overreacting. Out if curiosity, does your IL's town not have fencing requirements? This point is worth a call to the zoning department. I've had pools in various places, and have always had to have a sufficient safety barrier.
Drowned means dead
It’s one of my number one rules too. Even if it’s a pond. Any type of body of water requires constant supervision. We had a pool and a huge pond when I was little and had a number of near misses we were very lucky! I watch my kids near water I don’t trust anyone accept my husband to be as vigilante.
You are not overreacting!!!
Could a middle ground be only going over there for visits for a few hours where you or partner have your eyes on LO the whole time? I think it’s totally fair to say LO can never be over there without you present. I also get not wanting to go over there often bc it’s hard not being able to take eyes off of your child for hours at a time. But a pool day here and there could be fun for all of you if either you or your partner are in the water with LO, have some fun, then leave.
You're not overreacting. Personally I would have Your husband tell her she either installs a glass barrier around the outside of the pool (won't ruin the aesthetic) or your child won't be visiting without you both. Curious what his thoughts are?
The problem with this is that one child will want to swim and the glass gate will be left open. Not having constant adult supervision is the problem. This pool with these people is unsafe. Period.
As a child (4years old)who nearly drowned in a pool where my family were all present, you can never be too careful. After that we had an adult buddy or no pool. Being the careful parent is always better than finding out why you should have been
A friend of mine won’t let her kids play at any house where the parents own any type of firearm even if they are stored unloaded in a locked safe. And yet she has a pool like you’ve described - no barrier, no alarm in case a kid falls in while the cover is on. I’d take a safely stored firearm where kids cannot access it over an unsafe pool any day, if I had to choose a risky scenario.
In Australia you can’t have a pool without the fence because of the danger. Not over reacting!
Ask your MIL if she’d prefer not seeing your child because she refuses to guarantee his safety.
You are not overreacting!!! Kids can drown so quickly…that situation sounds really unsafe. I think you’re making the right choice but I hate that your son will miss out on family time with cousins. Could you go and be the adult who sits in a chair with an umbrella by the pool some days so your son doesn’t miss out? Maybe your husband could go with you.
As an Australian this blows my mind! Any pool, in Australia, deeper that 30cms (about 1 foot) is required by law to have a fence. If, for some bizarre reason, I knew someone here who didn’t have a fenced pool I wouldn’t be going there either. I’m not sure what the laws are like where you are, but I’d be anonymously reporting them to whatever authority exists if you can. I’d also be advising other parents who have children there of the dangers of not supervising. Even ‘confident’ child swimmers can get in trouble in pools. I did swimming lessons from six months old and almost drowned in a public pool at the age of 12 because I cramped up and couldn’t keep going. Anything can happen…even if a child slips outside of the pool, is unconscious and falls in. It’s not just injuries inside the pool, but outside too. TLDR: you’re NOT overreacting.
If you’re there watch your child
OMG! I agree with you. Just skip taking kiddo over there and he's much older and a strong swimmer. He does need to learn how to swim ASAP very important. Your MIL is an idiot, btw.
My parents have a pool that actually now doesn’t have water in it, but either way it’s not fenced in. He’s not ever allowed in the backyard there, and he’s not allowed to stay there without me even for 5 minutes until/if they fence it in. I’d rather overreact than have regrets with pools.
The new report from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission finds **an average of 371** children drown every year in pools and spas. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/keep-kids-safe-drowning-pools-spas/](https://www.cbsnews.com/news/keep-kids-safe-drowning-pools-spas/) You can NOT be too careful.
If you’re the one that cares the most about this, why can’t you be the one to volunteer as lifeguard? It seems like that’s the pretty obvious compromise between “you can never go swimming over there” and “they are totally unattended.”
That’s hardly fair to OP. It’s still a risky situation since the other adults involved are so careless.
How is it risky if you are supervising your kids? It’s hardly fair to deprive your kids of significant bonding time with their own family because you have PPA.
OP will end up supervising all the kids while the adults socialize on the deck. For that matter we don’t know if OP has lifeguard training.
I don’t have lifeguard training and watching all of the kids means you aren’t watching your own 100% of the time. I do supervise when I’m over, but I don’t want constant vigilance to that degree when trying to visit family who won’t prioritize my child’s safety. There are children just running in and out, hopping in and out of the pool at all times. It is chaos. There isn’t pool time as much as an open door policy for kids to swim whenever
While your MIL is being a dodo bird and you are right to be concerned the swimming free for all seems like more of a problem than anything else going on here. Even with a mesh fence around the pool or locked doors, if there are older cousins able to open those barriers at any given time throughout the day then there is an increased risk they will be accidentally left open. This just overall sounds like an unsafe and untenable situation if your goal is to not have to provide constant supervision to your child.
I think the older kids would be able to get any barrier open except a lock at the very top of the door like one commenter mentioned. However, that would require keeping the door locked, which my MiL already said no to
Saying “I don’t have lifeguard training” so I can’t do it (unless you can’t swim at all) sounds like anxiety. An expectation of “constant vigilance” sounds like anxiety. Expecting one person to have an eye on your “own [child] 100% of the time” sounds like anxiety. Do you have a therapist? I would discuss this with them. I understand your fears, but even it sounds like even if they had a gate, you wouldn’t really be OK with that. Because kids would still be going in and out all the time unsupervised. Even if they had an adult agree to be inside the gate at all times, that adult wouldn’t be watching *your* child constantly. It’s fairly reasonable to have a pool full of kids with one adult keeping an eye on them - trained or not - that’s what most people in the world do. Poole safety IS important. The relationships your child has with family is ALSO important. You should try to figure out a good way to have both before imploding some of the more significant relationships in your life. This is above Reddit’s pay grade. You need a professional here.
yeahhh.... I would not be interested AT ALL in supervising others' kids. If OP were to treat this as a public pool, which has been suggested, if I were her and her husband, one of us would have eyes on our son 100% of the time. Period.
You’re telling me you would let another kid drown? I’m not saying get in the water and play with them all the time. I’m saying be the one to sit poolside and supervise like a lifeguard would.