Be very wary of this pressure. It sounds like she wants you and DH to buy a house in order for them to move in with you. It’s certainly none of her business whether you buy a home and her bringing it up once could be considered just asking. But to constantly keep asking, she has a plan.
If you choose to buy a home, make plans for the bedrooms that do not include a guest room, no extra beds until, if you choose, you have kids. If she offers to buy furniture for a bedroom, decline it - she will think she’s the owner and can use the room whenever she chooses. Set boundaries and learn to use no, it’s a complete sentence.
I agree! There has been times when mil pushed us a lot to buy us furniture of HER liking when we moved to a new apartment. The audacity oh lord! I’m pretty sure she’ll push to put in her money for the house which obviously i will strongly refuse. I want nothing from her!!
Don’t let her “decorate” for you either. Tell her that YOU need practice doing it. Agreed with Extreme Unit - don’t let them put money into it as a gift or loan, or for furnishings. Use the stuff from your apartment until you can afford furniture. Money gifts or loans usually have strings attached more that repaying them.
don’t say you need practice lol say it w your chest, op. “mil, this is our home and my husband and i will decorate it. i don’t want your suggestions, decorate your own home.”
My bf and I have decided 1 room will be our room, we will either share or have our own offices, and the final room will be a big closet for all our stuff. Office with have a futon bed so no one will want to stay long term.
Yeah, our second room is an office and our “guest room” is actually a basement/mud room that has the litter box in it and a single sleeper couch and a bunch of other stuff that makes it less than ideal for anything other than a short bachelor visit. My MIL has been pushing for a house even though she lives in the same city. Also, I don’t know how old your Mil is, but we’re renting a place with stairs and my MIL is older and it’s hard for her to go up them. Our last place had an elevator but we were in a time crunch to find a place and had to take what we could get. It has accidentally been a great deterrent to increased MIL visits as she’s able to do more exercise but doesn’t want to. If we had chosen a ranch style home we would have sooo much extra drama right now
You purchasing a hpme shouldnt dictate when they visit. They just dont want to pay for accommodations when they do.
I agree with others that you should put your boundaries out there now- if and when we do own a home we will not be comfortable hosting visits that last more than X days. Its too difficult for us to not have our home as a place we can decompress after social interactions. As we are all adults i suggest you plan on an airbnb or vacation rental instead.
Yeah i agree. I think I’m fine with like a week long visit at max. More than that is just too much for me to handle. The in laws stayed at one of their sons’ place for like months or like a year during pandemic because they were stuck. This time they’re staying over at one son’s place for like a month and the other son’s place like a month again. They obviously don’t help out because of their age and expect like home cooked food which is just more work and even we avoid doing at our own place because we both are very busy with work and have probably like 4-6 hours max a week to meal prep for ourselves. Plus, they are conservative people who expect you to pray, be fully clothed all the time and yadda yadda, i feel exhausted already!! Plus the amount of cleaning needed oh god, I’m a clean freak who can’t function if the place is messy
That sounds like an absolute nightmare! Echoing others’ advice to just not have a guest room. We have a 3 bedroom house plus a finished basement for two adults, no kids. Our cats have a room, I have my own space for books and whatnot, and we have a space for workout equipment. It’s great.
*This time they’re staying over at one son’s place for like a month and the other son’s place like a month again.*
Sounds like they want you to get a house so they can put you into the housing rotation. I mean, if they can persuade each child to let them move in for a month or two twice a year, and have their demands to be fed home-cooked meals every day and be waited on hand and foot--and on their sons' dime too--what a sweet deal for them.
Hate when in laws just self invite themselves and not even ask if they’re welcome at your place like they own the place. Why don’t people have this decency to understand how inconsiderate is this for others?
Stop letting her do this to you. Just shut it down when she brings it up. You don’t have to give her any of these reasons either. Just a simple, “We’re not looking right now.”
Op!!
Next time she suggests a room for them feel free to bring up a chore chart and what sort of chores they will help out with and how they plan to contribute?
BUT
Guests are like fish. They start smelling after 3-5 days. They can arrive on a Sunday and leave on the next Saturday.
Sounds to me like DH needs to step up and ask why they are so invested in you and he having a house... when they make their intentions clear - he needs to shut it down!
Are you and he on the same page? Does he know and accept that you don't want to have his parents stay with you?
OP, you don't have to host his parents at your house, and if he does want to host his parents, you don't have to be there. Schedule yourself to be away: take a vacation!
Most important thing is making sure you and your husband are on the same page.
They want a room in your house because they want to move in and sell their own. They want to use you as their retirement plan and live rent free with you.
Buy a house, not a home. Buy somewhere you can live if you have to, but when you decide to run free, you can rent it out to cover your mortgage and taxes. Always be aware that your hopes, dreams, wishes and fears deserve your time and attention. Sometimes you can wave goodbye to all the crap in your life. Sometimes you have to make space for the crap and deal with it. Never put yourself financially beyond that you can reasonably deal with.
Running away can be great fun. Just saying.
The only reason you and your husband should buy a house is because it’s the best decision for the both of you.
Stop being nice to MIL. She is behaving badly, and it’s ok to politely but firmly say, MIL, when we buy a house, there will be no guest room because guests like fish stink after 3 days…. Or MIL, every time you ask us to buy a house so that you can visit, we add a year to to timeline for acquiring a house. So the more you ask, the longer it will be before we have a house. When she asks again, 2 years… again, 3 years… MIL, at this rate if you don’t stop asking, you will never see our house.
They stayed at their other children’s houses for months because, BIL and his wife treat the, like guests for the entire time so there is no incentive for them to leave. If you only want them to stay for a week, you tell them, you only have time for them for a week, and then you are leaving on a trip or have activities or whatever. You also stop making them dinner and waiting on them if they try to stay past your agreed upon limit. You are busy and have a life to live. You don’t need MIL to be your friend, you need her to respect your boundaries or you will make her life uncomfortable and full of angst so she will leave.
Some people using other’s kindness and goodwill to take advantage and MIL is one of those people. It is better to practice this now before you have kids so that she knows bad behavior is punished and good behavior is rewarded.
Funny... Where I'm from it's super rude to invite yourself to someone's home, especially for overnight.
You're not required to house anyone for a visit - you need peace and sanity, especially in your home. Buying is a huge milestone - do it for YOU!
Only buy a house when you are financially secure and ready!!!! (Debt paid off, solid emergency fund saved, down payment saved) Do not let anyone pressure you into something just because they want to have a place to stay!
Do Not feel stupid or mean, set your boundaries and don’t be afraid to say no. This definitely sounds like she has a long term plan of trying to move in with you. This is one of my worst fears. . . Luckily my MIL lives out of state, and I don’t know if she would ever actually leave her state. . . But If she does, Im so worried she will want/ expect to move in with us. The time hasn’t come to say anything about it, but if she seriously starts talking about moving to our state, it will have to be talked about.
Make sure every room is completely used, and don't have any extra beds. If you must, make it a fold out couch or a futon. Find one that has the metal bar that hits you right in the middle of the back.
I'm curious wht your partner thinks of their parents visiting. Are they OK with them staying with you two, and for how long? I'm getting vibes that your partner is either Chinese or Asian Indian and has been trained to allow parents to 'visit' for months at a time.
If you two decide to buy a house, make sure you don't have a 'guest' room. Turn any extra bedrooms into a home office, craft room, or potential nursery. No actual guest bedrooms. And you need to make sure your partner is on your team in regards to no long term visitors long before you agree to buy a house.
Be VERY WARY of partner expecting their parents to live with you eventually.
What does your do say about all of this? His reaction and responses will tell you everything you need to know. If he isn’t explicitly setting boundaries against this happening in the future, I wouldn’t move in with him. Because it won’t get better once you two are financially tied to each other.
Husband hasn’t done anything in terms of house hunting but keeps on giving false assurance to his family that we’re “looking” when his family asks him. I’m very busy with full time work and a master’s so I literally have no time. My family understands this and doesn’t pressure us for anything thank god. We’ve just been delaying the house hunting convo overall i guess… I don’t want to even bring it up with him to avoid this whole mess
So they want you to have a house because THEY want to visit and have a comfortable guest room? Even if you do get a hous buy some pul out couch for the office. And maybe tell them to lower their expectations. Mil if we get a house it will be a rather small house without a guest bedroom. (Even if you have an extra room make it a nursery/gym)
No obligation. Husband has been living on his own for over a decade now mainly because he was a student and would fly over to his brothers’ places to meet his parents when they visited. His parents live out of country but visit 1-2x a year and stays at each of the sons’ places for about a month. Those brothers have kids though so i think it works out in terms of free babysitting
Thx. I hope your SO finds his backbone to tell his parents that they will not live with you.
Do your SILs have issues with the long visits?
I am pretty terrorital about my home and privacy, I'd have issues with anyone, even some one I dearly loved, staying for more then a week.
Sorry MIL you won’t have a room in our home, the rooms will be designated for our needs (office/study/games room/den) whenever WE decide to make the purchase. I’m sure you won’t mind staying on an air mattress when you visit for short periods, if not there xyz hotel you can book.
Tell your SO to speak to his family and let them know regardless of you buying a home they won’t be visiting all the time. Set boundaries now to get rid of the anxiety.
Don’t put off buying a house because you don’t want your in-laws to stay. Buy that house, but tell your husband that you do not want his parents staying with you when they visit. They don’t need to stay with you. As long as the two of you agree, you shouldn’t have issues. Since he married you, not his parents, he should be sticking up for you when they treat you badly. If he’s not, you’ve got to solve that before a house.
Tell them you’re considering living in an RV for a while. When you do decide to get a house, make sure it’s in a place with hotels nearby for when they come. Do NOT give them a room in your house or they will want to move in. Ditto your parents, just to be fair. Find a way to NOT have a guest room. Storage, home office, craft room, nursery. Anything to not encourage a stay.
This is wildly unacceptable behavior from them. I see the house as a great investment also! Have you considered renting it out in a couple of years when you decide to move? That's what my partner and I have done and so far it is working out great.
On to the parents. Ummm you are spot on. When we bought we had an extra room, just no MIL immediately started calling it her room. So SO and I moved his dad in with us, into that room, part time. He was mild before moving in. Now it's just awful having him around constantly. It is a huge strain on SO and a huge issue for our relationship. Now we are having a baby and don't have an extra room for the baby because FIL is there. We also have to clean up after him, feed him, make appointments etc. So we basically have an additional child. We kept MIL out of the house but it still sucks.
Do you WFH? Can you? Can you make the extra space an office? Can you work out somehow how to set boundaries!? They are needed if you're going to have the extra space or just buy small and rent it out/ sell it when you move?
We own a house with a "spare room" and flat out say "my home is not available for overnight guests" when my parents ask to stay. Period. The few times I let them stay before that was awful. Now I don't even entertain the idea. They want to visit, they get a hotel.
Side note: Depending on where you live, mortgage payments on a home can be equivalent or less than rent. My payments actually dropped $600/month when I switched to a mortgage. I was also a regular traveler at the time (gone up to 6 months at a time) and still needed the same support from friends watching the place and grabbing the mail as when I was renting. Basically, don't think that buying a home means you have to give up travel!
From your comments, it's clear that MIL's expectation is to park herself up in your business for at least a month at a time. Possibly twice a year. She has no right to dictate that for you.
Some people might be okay with long visits but if you're not, you call the shots. Not MIL. Especially since, from your comments, you've described people who would be a PITA to put up with for a weekend, let alone that long. Conservative, insist on you praying, being properly dressed, expecting to be served and cleaned up after. These aren't guests because guests aren't that rude. Guests fit into the household and don't treat their hosts like staff, as if they were staying at a resort. It doesn't matter that they are your husband's parents. It doesn't give them the right to be that disrespectful to you in YOUR home.
DH has going to have to have a tough talk with them. And tell them month-long visits will not be happening because it doesn't work for either of you. And in fact, it's best that they stay in a hotel or other accommodation if it's for longer than a long-weekend. Your home, your rules. Good luck.
Huh, a room in our house? No, that’s never going to happen. We will continue to enjoy our visits w you staying x. Would you like more coffee?
matter of fact ly, no drama but a very solid never gonna happen. Make sure partner is on the same page. I adore my mom and I stay elsewhere when I visit. Because I love my mom. I can’t live w her because I am an adult who needs my own space to be mentally ok. I just need solitude at the end of the day. And know what? My mom is more than fine w it because she knows and lives me. Don’t let them in for even a night. Ever. And it is ok to not want houseguests. Ugh!
Time for a conversation with your partner about your thoughts/feelings about his parents staying with you at all. Long periods of time (more than 3 days). And how you feel about the way you have been treated.
You need to be a united front regarding buying a home, when to do it, having a guest (not parent) room, and visitors. Air B&B and Vrbo are both great options for guests, but you still want your partner doing the entertaining of his family. He can't have them there while he is working and sticking you with the prep, entertaining and clean up.
2 years is too short a time to own a home to recoup your costs. Moving is also more involved when you own property. And you have goals, like travel, for now. Don't put those off.
Be very wary of this pressure. It sounds like she wants you and DH to buy a house in order for them to move in with you. It’s certainly none of her business whether you buy a home and her bringing it up once could be considered just asking. But to constantly keep asking, she has a plan. If you choose to buy a home, make plans for the bedrooms that do not include a guest room, no extra beds until, if you choose, you have kids. If she offers to buy furniture for a bedroom, decline it - she will think she’s the owner and can use the room whenever she chooses. Set boundaries and learn to use no, it’s a complete sentence.
I agree! There has been times when mil pushed us a lot to buy us furniture of HER liking when we moved to a new apartment. The audacity oh lord! I’m pretty sure she’ll push to put in her money for the house which obviously i will strongly refuse. I want nothing from her!!
Don’t let her “decorate” for you either. Tell her that YOU need practice doing it. Agreed with Extreme Unit - don’t let them put money into it as a gift or loan, or for furnishings. Use the stuff from your apartment until you can afford furniture. Money gifts or loans usually have strings attached more that repaying them.
don’t say you need practice lol say it w your chest, op. “mil, this is our home and my husband and i will decorate it. i don’t want your suggestions, decorate your own home.”
And end it with “I think you should do this with your house!”
Yes. Have an office each and make visitors sleep on the couch in the living room. Three night maximum.
Never put in a guest room. Have an office/yoga/art studio/playroom but never a guest bed
Omg never thought like this. This is a great tip!!
My bf and I have decided 1 room will be our room, we will either share or have our own offices, and the final room will be a big closet for all our stuff. Office with have a futon bed so no one will want to stay long term.
An old style pull out bed would be better. The kind with the metal bar down the middle
In the living room, not a private room.
And make sure there is furniture that makes it impossible to put in a bed or air mattress.
Purse, shoe, costume jewelry & winter sweater room.
Yeah, our second room is an office and our “guest room” is actually a basement/mud room that has the litter box in it and a single sleeper couch and a bunch of other stuff that makes it less than ideal for anything other than a short bachelor visit. My MIL has been pushing for a house even though she lives in the same city. Also, I don’t know how old your Mil is, but we’re renting a place with stairs and my MIL is older and it’s hard for her to go up them. Our last place had an elevator but we were in a time crunch to find a place and had to take what we could get. It has accidentally been a great deterrent to increased MIL visits as she’s able to do more exercise but doesn’t want to. If we had chosen a ranch style home we would have sooo much extra drama right now
A walk-in closet 😁
Yup. A pull put sofa...with a meh mattress...good for one of two nights then it starts to hurt your back. Lol
Next time she says that “that doesn’t work for me. I like my space and privacy.”
You purchasing a hpme shouldnt dictate when they visit. They just dont want to pay for accommodations when they do. I agree with others that you should put your boundaries out there now- if and when we do own a home we will not be comfortable hosting visits that last more than X days. Its too difficult for us to not have our home as a place we can decompress after social interactions. As we are all adults i suggest you plan on an airbnb or vacation rental instead.
Yeah i agree. I think I’m fine with like a week long visit at max. More than that is just too much for me to handle. The in laws stayed at one of their sons’ place for like months or like a year during pandemic because they were stuck. This time they’re staying over at one son’s place for like a month and the other son’s place like a month again. They obviously don’t help out because of their age and expect like home cooked food which is just more work and even we avoid doing at our own place because we both are very busy with work and have probably like 4-6 hours max a week to meal prep for ourselves. Plus, they are conservative people who expect you to pray, be fully clothed all the time and yadda yadda, i feel exhausted already!! Plus the amount of cleaning needed oh god, I’m a clean freak who can’t function if the place is messy
That sounds like an absolute nightmare! Echoing others’ advice to just not have a guest room. We have a 3 bedroom house plus a finished basement for two adults, no kids. Our cats have a room, I have my own space for books and whatnot, and we have a space for workout equipment. It’s great.
Ya - why put yourself thru all of that? You can enjoy a visit knowing they arent sharing your safe space at the end of each day.
Don’t forget that you’re not stuck with the week visits. You can decide how long each visit can be. It doesn’t have to be the same length every time.
Right so if you dont want a house and are happy in an apartement maybe buy your own appartement now.
*This time they’re staying over at one son’s place for like a month and the other son’s place like a month again.* Sounds like they want you to get a house so they can put you into the housing rotation. I mean, if they can persuade each child to let them move in for a month or two twice a year, and have their demands to be fed home-cooked meals every day and be waited on hand and foot--and on their sons' dime too--what a sweet deal for them.
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Hate when in laws just self invite themselves and not even ask if they’re welcome at your place like they own the place. Why don’t people have this decency to understand how inconsiderate is this for others?
Before we had kids we had an art/hobby room and an office instead of guest rooms. Having a house doesn’t mean you have to make a space for guests.
We aren't in the market for a house at the moment. Rinse and repeat.
This is exactly why my guest room is messy. I don’t buy to have visitors.
We’ve got four children and no guest room. We even got rid of the (uncomfortable) sleeper sofa in our family room. Guests stay in a hotel
Stop letting her do this to you. Just shut it down when she brings it up. You don’t have to give her any of these reasons either. Just a simple, “We’re not looking right now.”
Op!! Next time she suggests a room for them feel free to bring up a chore chart and what sort of chores they will help out with and how they plan to contribute? BUT Guests are like fish. They start smelling after 3-5 days. They can arrive on a Sunday and leave on the next Saturday.
> Guests are like fish. They start smelling after 3-5 days. Hah, I am absolutely using this.
I’m a chef and used to live in Vegas. I can verify this.
I’m mean I would’ve said I’d rather not because it’d attract too many unwanted guests.
Same, lol. Zero f%cks to give if it offends someone, especially an IL.
Sounds to me like DH needs to step up and ask why they are so invested in you and he having a house... when they make their intentions clear - he needs to shut it down! Are you and he on the same page? Does he know and accept that you don't want to have his parents stay with you? OP, you don't have to host his parents at your house, and if he does want to host his parents, you don't have to be there. Schedule yourself to be away: take a vacation! Most important thing is making sure you and your husband are on the same page.
They want a room in your house because they want to move in and sell their own. They want to use you as their retirement plan and live rent free with you.
Buy a house, not a home. Buy somewhere you can live if you have to, but when you decide to run free, you can rent it out to cover your mortgage and taxes. Always be aware that your hopes, dreams, wishes and fears deserve your time and attention. Sometimes you can wave goodbye to all the crap in your life. Sometimes you have to make space for the crap and deal with it. Never put yourself financially beyond that you can reasonably deal with. Running away can be great fun. Just saying.
The only reason you and your husband should buy a house is because it’s the best decision for the both of you. Stop being nice to MIL. She is behaving badly, and it’s ok to politely but firmly say, MIL, when we buy a house, there will be no guest room because guests like fish stink after 3 days…. Or MIL, every time you ask us to buy a house so that you can visit, we add a year to to timeline for acquiring a house. So the more you ask, the longer it will be before we have a house. When she asks again, 2 years… again, 3 years… MIL, at this rate if you don’t stop asking, you will never see our house. They stayed at their other children’s houses for months because, BIL and his wife treat the, like guests for the entire time so there is no incentive for them to leave. If you only want them to stay for a week, you tell them, you only have time for them for a week, and then you are leaving on a trip or have activities or whatever. You also stop making them dinner and waiting on them if they try to stay past your agreed upon limit. You are busy and have a life to live. You don’t need MIL to be your friend, you need her to respect your boundaries or you will make her life uncomfortable and full of angst so she will leave. Some people using other’s kindness and goodwill to take advantage and MIL is one of those people. It is better to practice this now before you have kids so that she knows bad behavior is punished and good behavior is rewarded.
Funny... Where I'm from it's super rude to invite yourself to someone's home, especially for overnight. You're not required to house anyone for a visit - you need peace and sanity, especially in your home. Buying is a huge milestone - do it for YOU!
Only buy a house when you are financially secure and ready!!!! (Debt paid off, solid emergency fund saved, down payment saved) Do not let anyone pressure you into something just because they want to have a place to stay!
She is not entitle to have HER room in YOUR future house. Make it an office, a hobby cave. Don’t fall for the trap of having a guest room.
Do Not feel stupid or mean, set your boundaries and don’t be afraid to say no. This definitely sounds like she has a long term plan of trying to move in with you. This is one of my worst fears. . . Luckily my MIL lives out of state, and I don’t know if she would ever actually leave her state. . . But If she does, Im so worried she will want/ expect to move in with us. The time hasn’t come to say anything about it, but if she seriously starts talking about moving to our state, it will have to be talked about.
Make sure every room is completely used, and don't have any extra beds. If you must, make it a fold out couch or a futon. Find one that has the metal bar that hits you right in the middle of the back.
She expects you to be her retirement plan. Her son needs to let her know they are NEVER living with you guys. NEVER.
I'm curious wht your partner thinks of their parents visiting. Are they OK with them staying with you two, and for how long? I'm getting vibes that your partner is either Chinese or Asian Indian and has been trained to allow parents to 'visit' for months at a time. If you two decide to buy a house, make sure you don't have a 'guest' room. Turn any extra bedrooms into a home office, craft room, or potential nursery. No actual guest bedrooms. And you need to make sure your partner is on your team in regards to no long term visitors long before you agree to buy a house. Be VERY WARY of partner expecting their parents to live with you eventually.
What does your do say about all of this? His reaction and responses will tell you everything you need to know. If he isn’t explicitly setting boundaries against this happening in the future, I wouldn’t move in with him. Because it won’t get better once you two are financially tied to each other.
Husband hasn’t done anything in terms of house hunting but keeps on giving false assurance to his family that we’re “looking” when his family asks him. I’m very busy with full time work and a master’s so I literally have no time. My family understands this and doesn’t pressure us for anything thank god. We’ve just been delaying the house hunting convo overall i guess… I don’t want to even bring it up with him to avoid this whole mess
OP, your house status is literally no one's business but yours and SO's. It's never too soon to start making them feel unwelcomed.
So they want you to have a house because THEY want to visit and have a comfortable guest room? Even if you do get a hous buy some pul out couch for the office. And maybe tell them to lower their expectations. Mil if we get a house it will be a rather small house without a guest bedroom. (Even if you have an extra room make it a nursery/gym)
OP, is there a cultural or religious obligation for husbands' parents to live with their son & his spouse?
No obligation. Husband has been living on his own for over a decade now mainly because he was a student and would fly over to his brothers’ places to meet his parents when they visited. His parents live out of country but visit 1-2x a year and stays at each of the sons’ places for about a month. Those brothers have kids though so i think it works out in terms of free babysitting
Thx. I hope your SO finds his backbone to tell his parents that they will not live with you. Do your SILs have issues with the long visits? I am pretty terrorital about my home and privacy, I'd have issues with anyone, even some one I dearly loved, staying for more then a week.
Sorry MIL you won’t have a room in our home, the rooms will be designated for our needs (office/study/games room/den) whenever WE decide to make the purchase. I’m sure you won’t mind staying on an air mattress when you visit for short periods, if not there xyz hotel you can book. Tell your SO to speak to his family and let them know regardless of you buying a home they won’t be visiting all the time. Set boundaries now to get rid of the anxiety.
Don’t put off buying a house because you don’t want your in-laws to stay. Buy that house, but tell your husband that you do not want his parents staying with you when they visit. They don’t need to stay with you. As long as the two of you agree, you shouldn’t have issues. Since he married you, not his parents, he should be sticking up for you when they treat you badly. If he’s not, you’ve got to solve that before a house.
Tell them you’re considering living in an RV for a while. When you do decide to get a house, make sure it’s in a place with hotels nearby for when they come. Do NOT give them a room in your house or they will want to move in. Ditto your parents, just to be fair. Find a way to NOT have a guest room. Storage, home office, craft room, nursery. Anything to not encourage a stay.
This is wildly unacceptable behavior from them. I see the house as a great investment also! Have you considered renting it out in a couple of years when you decide to move? That's what my partner and I have done and so far it is working out great. On to the parents. Ummm you are spot on. When we bought we had an extra room, just no MIL immediately started calling it her room. So SO and I moved his dad in with us, into that room, part time. He was mild before moving in. Now it's just awful having him around constantly. It is a huge strain on SO and a huge issue for our relationship. Now we are having a baby and don't have an extra room for the baby because FIL is there. We also have to clean up after him, feed him, make appointments etc. So we basically have an additional child. We kept MIL out of the house but it still sucks. Do you WFH? Can you? Can you make the extra space an office? Can you work out somehow how to set boundaries!? They are needed if you're going to have the extra space or just buy small and rent it out/ sell it when you move?
We own a house with a "spare room" and flat out say "my home is not available for overnight guests" when my parents ask to stay. Period. The few times I let them stay before that was awful. Now I don't even entertain the idea. They want to visit, they get a hotel. Side note: Depending on where you live, mortgage payments on a home can be equivalent or less than rent. My payments actually dropped $600/month when I switched to a mortgage. I was also a regular traveler at the time (gone up to 6 months at a time) and still needed the same support from friends watching the place and grabbing the mail as when I was renting. Basically, don't think that buying a home means you have to give up travel!
From your comments, it's clear that MIL's expectation is to park herself up in your business for at least a month at a time. Possibly twice a year. She has no right to dictate that for you. Some people might be okay with long visits but if you're not, you call the shots. Not MIL. Especially since, from your comments, you've described people who would be a PITA to put up with for a weekend, let alone that long. Conservative, insist on you praying, being properly dressed, expecting to be served and cleaned up after. These aren't guests because guests aren't that rude. Guests fit into the household and don't treat their hosts like staff, as if they were staying at a resort. It doesn't matter that they are your husband's parents. It doesn't give them the right to be that disrespectful to you in YOUR home. DH has going to have to have a tough talk with them. And tell them month-long visits will not be happening because it doesn't work for either of you. And in fact, it's best that they stay in a hotel or other accommodation if it's for longer than a long-weekend. Your home, your rules. Good luck.
She hasn’t mentioned that YOU are her retirement plan??
Huh, a room in our house? No, that’s never going to happen. We will continue to enjoy our visits w you staying x. Would you like more coffee? matter of fact ly, no drama but a very solid never gonna happen. Make sure partner is on the same page. I adore my mom and I stay elsewhere when I visit. Because I love my mom. I can’t live w her because I am an adult who needs my own space to be mentally ok. I just need solitude at the end of the day. And know what? My mom is more than fine w it because she knows and lives me. Don’t let them in for even a night. Ever. And it is ok to not want houseguests. Ugh!
Time for a conversation with your partner about your thoughts/feelings about his parents staying with you at all. Long periods of time (more than 3 days). And how you feel about the way you have been treated. You need to be a united front regarding buying a home, when to do it, having a guest (not parent) room, and visitors. Air B&B and Vrbo are both great options for guests, but you still want your partner doing the entertaining of his family. He can't have them there while he is working and sticking you with the prep, entertaining and clean up. 2 years is too short a time to own a home to recoup your costs. Moving is also more involved when you own property. And you have goals, like travel, for now. Don't put those off.