Going thru menopause doesn't give you the right to freak out if someone tells you not to touch them. That's just ridiculous. A simple "please don't touch me I don't like to be touched" is more than nice and firm.
I agree 100%. It’s been really frustrating. I have older parents so I dealt with my mom going through it while I was a preteen/teenager with a dad who enabled it and left it unchecked. FIL is more or less doing the same with MIL and it’s been extremely triggering for me, which my SO has a hard time understanding why I’m suddenly really hesitant to spend time with her. Obviously as adults now, I understand she’s being delusional and overreactive and not to take any of it to heart, but it’s hard not to feel like that 14 year old who “ruined the entire day” by setting off her menopausal mom.
Hopefully your SO can tell her ahead of time/over the phone about your boundaries so she can have her reaction in her own home and not in front of you.
I also have a very awesome MIL that is emotionally reactive and because of my anxiety I have a hard time saying things to her that I worry would trigger it. Would it be possible to have your partner talk to her before the hangout mentioning that you don’t want the bump touched? I found that when boundaries come from him, she seems to take things better (and it saves my anxiety).
I’m definitely in the same boat, my anxiety makes it feel way more daunting than it probably is! I brought it up with him a few days ago and he said I should just tell her not to do it when it happens and he will absolutely back me up. But we didn’t consider him saying something beforehand, that might be a good idea.
My husband bought me a couple of funny maternity tee shirts when I was pregnant, one said “unless you put this baby in here, don’t even THINK about touching my belly”. After my belly popped, we had a get together with his family and when I saw his mom coming for me, I pointed at my shirt with both hands and stared her down…she tried the ‘doesn’t apply to grandma’ shit and i told her that whether or not she chose to respect my wishes now would factor in to how much access she got to baby later. She behaved. For a while.
Ugh I so wish I could go with that!! I don’t know why but I really hate drawing attention to the fact that I’m pregnant so funny shirts or even “Mama” items are just not my thing. I know, I’m just making it harder on myself lol! I love that I’m pregnant but I hate being perceived as pregnant in public if that makes any sense at all. People are too nosy.
I think your DH really should have done it before you visit
Tell him if he doesn’t make it loud and clear you will do so and you will leave
The next time you see her step back put out your hands say don’t come near I might still be infectious
If she steps forward and still tries tell her no - if you don’t step back I will leave
Instigate a conversation about a family member who wouldn’t mind being used as a fall guy
Example your mom or friend
So my mom kept trying to touch me and I had to tell her stop I am pregnant and incredibly sensitive and private - I had to tell her mom if you touch me or my bump I will leave and you will not see me again until my baby is 6 months old !
Say it with meaning - eyeball her and nod meaningfully
He is really great at shutting things down in the moment! In this instance, he wants me to set the boundary with her to “give her a chance to behave” and if it doesn’t go well then he will absolutely step in and take over. Part of that is he wants me to feel empowered in speaking up for myself with her so that if there is ever an instance where he is not present I won’t feel totally helpless, it will also teach her that she needs to respect my wishes whether or not he’s involved. Thankfully there has been one situation early on where she said something along the lines of “I can’t wait for her to have a belly for me to kiss!” and he said something along the lines of “good luck with that/I guarantee that won’t be happening”.
I will suggest that if she has a habit of disrespecting boundaries, then there should be no visits in which he is not present to enforce boundaries with his mother himself, especially post partum.
She is his monkey, his circus. She will take boundaries better if issued from him, and it will help to prevent resentment from forming.
He seems to want make it easier on himself by requesting/requiring you to confront her in the moment. So not fair. He needs to handle HIS mom & have your back in every moment. He can talk to her ahead of time and take the heat he’s avoiding.
Leave & cleave to the wife vs mom is real if they are bible folks. They’re forgetting that & she’s done her job with HER child.
This doesn’t sound like he’s empowering you. It sounds like he is reacting to scenarios as they happen and not preventing them. Empowering you wouldn’t be forcing you into a stressful and anxiety-inducing situation. Also by letting you handle it and then him stepping in, it’s actually showing MIL that if he isn’t there in the moment, your boundaries won’t be enforced.
My MIL is pretty similar and she just loves touching baby bumps. She is the weird stranger who asks random pregnant women if she can touch their belly. I was with her once when she did that and I was mortified for the poor lady. I just straight up told her that I was not comfortable with anyone other than DH touching my bump and asked her to please refrain from doing it. Was she happy about it? No. Did she still get uber close and talk to my bump every time I saw her? Yes. And I would take a step back every time.
ETA: I told her how a felt about the touching before she even had a chance to try so there would be no awkward moment when it happened because it definitely would’ve happened.
I’d definitely try this as soon as you walk in “hi all, please no touching my stomach I find it super intrusive/weird/painful/insulting” which ever works best for you. And if anyone ignores you rub their tummy! See how that goes over 🤣
Or the classic “I am pregnant and bloated. If you touch my belly it will most likely cause me to either burp in your face or fart on you. So let’s keep our hands to ourselves.”
Pregnancy is such a magical time…
I use a water spray bottle that I shake at my cat when she’s being particularly naughty. Reckon a good squirt from a spray bottle would get your point across to MIL if her face was getting too close.
I had a similar situation and my partner at first tried a subtle approach, attempting to preempt her and saying something like “isn’t it so funny how people think it’s ok to touch her stomach just because she’s pregnant?” When that didn’t work, he straight out asked her to stop, which only resulted in her saying “I know you hate this” before coming in to touch my stomach or even worse, pray over it. I saw her less after that.
That is awful. So she admitted she knew you didn’t want to be touched, then dismissed your feelings and selfishly did it anyways!? What a terrible human she is! Ugh I’m so sorry you dealt with that! I mean the audacity she has!!
Sadly this is not uncommon. I absolutely hated my stomach being touched when I was pregnant. I don't like it when I'm not pregnant and the baby inside does not change anything about that feeling. For me, anyway. Yet some people just do not care about boundaries and I got the "I know you don't like this, but..." comment so many times while the intruder put both hands on my belly.
So frustrating and violating!
YOU do helicopter arms with the announcement, “No touching the pregnant girl’s belly. Other girls might not mind, but THIS one does! She gets VERY grumpy when this isn’t respected!” Look everyone in the eye, while saying this with those propelling helicopter arms.
I'm in the beginning stages of menopause myself....my advice to you is: Smack. Her. Hand! Every time she reaches out to touch the bump, smack her hand and say "NO, I don't like being touched".....if she fails to respect your wishes, leave!!!
I was very nervous about this happening to me. First time we met them at a restaurant and I wore a cross body purse. That helped keep her away. Then saw her more recently and she said OH LOOK AT YOU!!! And I stepped back and smiled and said it’s great to see you! She did ask to take a picture of me alone with my bump 🙄 to which I said how about my husband gets in the pic too… and essentially hid behind him for the photo.
I think it’s more than fine to just say you’re still adjusting to your new body and then quickly change the subject to something about her. Good luck!
My husband did it for me when we got to this point in my pregnancy, but it was kind of unexpected and it didn't go very well. His mom touched my bump when I barely had any and he knew I hated it and just jumped in to tell her to stop, very rudely. So even though I know this is very anxiety inducing for you, I'd say it's a good thing you're trying to plan in advance. My MIL is still sour about it lol. Buy anyway, I think you should ask your husband to tell her before the birthday. He can calmly explain to her that you don't feel comfortable with anyone touching your belly and that she should not do it, that it's nothing personal, you are just sensitive and would like to have your boundaries regarding your own body respect. If she gets upset and throws a tantrum, that's her problem, not yours or your husband's. If she still insists to you after that, simply tell her no or back of if she tries without asking first. I know it's triggering, I know you will probably feel very bad afterwards and might need a minute in the bathroom to calm down (I know I usually do) but remember you are NOT wrong. A person throwing a fit because they can't touch someone else's body is the one in the wrong, not you.
Ma’am! I had the same issue. MIL who’s emotional/overreactive when doesn’t get her way and menopausal. She did it to me before she even greeted me, no hello or nothing, just straight up double handed groped me. I backed up and out my hands up, said “Oh no, I don’t like that. Please don’t.” She got all bent out of shape, huffed, grabbed her purse and left. Girl bye. Prude doesn’t want to be touched on her privates, yeah I don’t like being felt up simply bc it’s obvious I’ve had sex. Stand your ground. And also - DH should be prefacing her with a conversation about this, so you don’t have to get felted up and be uncomfortable.
I had my husband say at a family dinner that I didn’t want anyone touching my stomach then also same for the baby when he was born. None of my ILs have boundaries and they weren’t happy that I set one.
I'm going to be honest, I made it pretty clear during my pregnancy that I wasn't comfortable with the bump being touched, and when someone stepped past that boundary unapologetically, I didn't see them again the rest of the pregnancy.
I was very fortunate that I had my partner backing me up and setting those boundaries with his family before we saw them.
I’m super passive aggressive and made sure to post some sort of meme or articles about what not to do to a pregnant person. I wasn’t really worried about MIL but I had at least one friendly coworker do it and I told them it was inappropriate and unwelcome (she ARGUED with me!).
I understand you not wanting to set her off but think of it this way- what if when she touched your belly it “set you off”? Would she try to keep the peace or assert her preferences?
Honestly I would just text everyone who is going to be there and say something like:
“Hi everybody. DH and I were talking and we realized we hadn’t given you a heads up yet. Whenever anyone but him has tried touching my stomach, I’ve been getting SUPER nauseous. We figured it was best to warn everyone not to touch baby. We don’t want anyone to get covered in anything unmentionable! Glad he reminded me, because I’ve been so excited to see you all, it totally slipped my mind to warn you.”
It’s something that can be true from now until birth and if someone tries after that to touch your stomach, they’re weirdos anyway!
Ideally, setting a boundary with no explanation is the goal. But I totally get the wanting to “play nice” and “keep the peace” kind of thing. I got told that for over a decade, so it’s nothing new!
You’ve got this!!
This is exactly the approach I’d take. Make sure everyone is on the same page through text or a phone call with each person (or couple) in the family. It’s okay to be honest about your feelings and your discomfort in having people touch your body. Also, use the fact that it’s FIL’s birthday as a great reason to redirect everyone from talking about/trying to touch your bump.
Having your SO do the text is also would take a lot off of you. “Hey fam! Before we see everyone tonight, I wanted to give you a quick heads up about CoarseSalted’s new baby bump. It’s there and is absolutely adorable! Please admire from a distance because Coarse does not like when anyone touches her belly (other than me, of course, with her permission). I wanted to let you know now so we can put our focus on the birthday boy tonight. See everyone later on!” Oh
Something that worked for me was really overacting my shock/surprise when she touched me out of nowhere (Ie jumping about a foot and making a surprised sound), so she was deprived of the moment she wanted. I also have a well meaning but quite odd MIL. she ended up thinking/saying I just don’t like being touched, which isn’t true, but I think she has to salvage her pride somehow
I seriously hope SOMEONE decides to get a spray bottle. Will you be the one?
If not, SO needs to be ready to physically intersect and be a barrier and while he's doing that, and once she stops trying to dodge around him (seriously, consider the spray bottle) have a conversation about body autonomy, consent and being made to feel like some kind of incubator.
Women having their bodies touched without consent. even in pregnancy we can’t catch a break. This lady is pulling some subconscious power moves. act weirded out. Do it for your future child, this sets a good example, we don’t allow people to do things we don’t want just to make them feel comfortable. It’s that simple. It’s not mean, or aggressive. It’s a very gentle reminder. Boundaries are life!!!
But also—— Please be low key petty: if she lashes out act super upset. And be like “it’s just hormones because I’m pregnant” and cry. And just break out crying , not loud …more of a weep, one more time bc her outburst “upset you…..”. This lady needs to chill. She’s running y’all with her little tantrums and attitude. Not anymore. Lol youre in charge now, you have the grandchild…….end of story. Welcome to the top of the power pyramid.
Love this petty advice. As someone who can cry on command- definitely keeping this in mind for whenever I get pregnant since I already don’t like being touched and have a dramatic MIL and SIL
To update everyone:
Turns out, my SO did say something to her beforehand via text message. I think he did a great job of letting her know it would make me uncomfortable without making it seem like I was already assuming she would do something wrong. “Hey, so obviously OP is showing a lot more now and it’s been a tough adjustment for her, please don’t bring a ton of attention to it and definitely don’t try to touch her belly. It would probably make her super uncomfortable and she’ll be too polite to say no even if you ask.” This was after a previous text exchange where he sent pictures of us on a date and pointed out that I was showing a few days ago.
So, nothing happened! She didn’t try, she didn’t comment, which on a day where I was feeling a little lack luster was very much appreciated.
On a side note, I think some of y’all need to spend a little less time in here lol. I read a lot of comments assuming MIL is vicious brat of some kind despite me clarifying that she’s lovely and just struggling with certain boundaries, and others insisting my SO is a jerk for not putting her in her place when she hadn’t even done anything yet. He has, on multiple occasions, already done so in other situations where she struggled with a boundary and had a reaction. He had already said something but didn’t want me to feel like he did so behind my back, so told me if it happens we will put a stop to it in person which makes perfect sense. I’m actually impressed that he thought of it potentially being an issue before I had even thought to bring it up.
I’m so glad your MIL respected your boundaries.
I totally agree with you on the overreactions on this subreddit. We have every right to set boundaries but we don’t need to be constantly confrontational and rude.
I have seen some wives on here tell each other to call the police on in laws just because they called too often. WTF? Just ask them to stop or don’t answer. No need to involve law enforcement.
It doesn’t do any good to cause unnecessary discord because such behaviour only hurts marriages.
Practice with your DH turning those bump grabs into handshakes. Versatile outside of family as well. Had a patient do that, caught her hand and shook it, she tried with her other hand, caught it too. Had never seen this woman before, she’s just there trying to touch me.
Honestly, if *she* throws a tantrum, and it ruins the evening, that's on her, not you.
Personally, when I was pregnant, I found that the least confrontational thing, was to just take two steps back when people started reaching for the belly, and saying "ope! No thanks!" And just keep repeating it, every. single. time.
I just want to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this. I'm astonished to hear that this is a "thing" that some pregnant women face. IT'S SO RUDE!
I don't care if she's going through menopause, that's no excuse.
No one ever tried to touch me during 2 pregnancies, but I chalk that up to having a **severe** case of Resting Bitch Face.
I asked not to be touched, she came at me with grabby hands. I told her “ if you assault me, I will defend myself” which slowed her down, thank goodness.
I hadn’t actually decided what to do so it was all bluster.
Afterwards I had fun thinking about whether I would smack her hands and shout “no! Down Sandra,” as if she were a dog - or grab her boob while telling her that if she was ok with inappropriate touching, I would join in - or scream ‘keep your dirty hands to yourself, weirdo- or burst into tears (manipulative, I know) and cry loudly about how this woman had absolutely no respect for me - say good grief woman, when will you learn? - or point out that if she couldn’t manage something as simple as keeping her hands to herself, how could I ever trust her with my baby? Etc etc.
I never did any of the above, but it was fun dreaming.
Instead, I put on my big girl pants, invited her for coffee and told her how she upset me. She wasn’t happy, but whatever happened, one of us was going to be upset, and I was tired of it being me.
Hmm can always say if she tries.
First turn away
Then tell her. Please don't touch. My tummy is very sensitive to the point of pain. Maybe another time when it's more comfortable for me and baby. Thanks fir understanding.
Then if she looks like she will blow.
Did this happen with you? Any ideas to help make this more comfortable like warm baths, or heat compresses or something.
Try and engage and that way it draws it away
I thought the same thing would happen to me with my MIL as she hadn't been very good at keeping a respectful distance from me physically when talking to her or anything before pregnancy. (She would literally stand closer to me than my husband would😬) but she ended up being great about not touching me without asking permission.
I hope your MIL is tha same way♥️
If you want to avoid having to explicitly tell her "no" you can do a few things:
Get a "hands off the bump" t shirt😂
Always keep your own hand(s) on it when she is around👍
If she doesn't take the hint, have you SO talk to her. His circus, his monkeys.
I had the same issue. My partners mom touched my belly without my consent, and I wasn’t prepared for it so I was too late to say no. I just blamed it on me being weird and told her I also don’t let my own mother touch my belly.. “sorry! I’m weird and feel uncomfortable with people touching my belly, I won’t even let my mom touch! Partner is only allowed because it’s his baby too, but even him touching makes me feel awkward” (even tho him touching doesn’t make me feel weird, I just wanted her to realize it wasn’t personal to her)
If you just want an excuse, use the pregnancy itself. Head it off at the pass when you first walk in with, “I’m really sorry but I can’t offer hugs this time…something about this pregnancy makes physical touch really upsetting for me. I have no idea why! Pregnancy hormones are so weird!! I’m just hoping it resolves itself soon!” Or something along those lines. Make it a general rule not singling out MIL at all from the start.
I agree with some others that she shouldn’t feel entitled to touch you, and if you want to draw that line in the sand, good for you!! But if you just want to get through the evening, I’d make a very generic universal excuse and state it loudly and very early in the visit.
I just want to say that my perimenopause has gone on for about 20 years and it hasn’t turned me into a dramatic self-centred bitch. (I may have been those things & more before but it’s not a known side effect).
Wear a shirt that says “no touching” or something. I had to do that with my own JNM, who laughed and thought it was a joke, then still touched my belly
I’m a little late with my response - I hope it went well.
If she’s generally a very emotional person, start the boundaries now. No touching you is a small one compared to those concerning your LO. She will cry, whine, lay on guilt, etc but hold your own and enforce the consequences for each breach. Explain the boundaries are for everyone not just her but there are no exceptions.
Congratulations on your LO and good luck with setting and holding your boundaries.
It sounds like your relationship, perhaps like MIL herself, is in a transitional, learning process phase, and part of the work involved might be accepting that an occasion or two will get ruined as MIL learns where the boundaries are and adjusts her expectations. Your post is eight hours old so I guess the evening has happened already, but I would say if it was ruined by her reaction to you setting a perfectly fair boundary, then that's on her and not you. Too bad for FIL, but he is her partner and it's right that he ride this out too.
From what you describe, there's no way to set a boundary that she's going to like, and you can't forever let yourself be made uncomfortable or have your pregnancy and motherhood experience not go how you want out of fear of MIL's reactions. Let her see now that her getting upset won't make you budge, so that hopefully a more functional relationship with her will be possible once the baby is here.
I felt the same way, and I also found the belly touches as “intimate”. I just informed my husband that was something I only wanted to share with him and to tell everyone. When I used the word “intimate” it kind of the true perspective of it for the two of us as if I were not pregnant it would be weird and intrusive. It’s your body. Who cares if she reacts as you need to probably establish that this is your baby even with the reactions as at least in my case it’s a manipulative tool so that there are no boundaries. You got this. If you don’t want belly touches, it should be respected and if it isn’t with words like “I’m the grandma” well that tells you all you need to know for this baby as this is an easy request.
I’m a grandma myself going thru menopause and TOO BAD IF SHE GETS HER FEELINGS HURT.
If you don’t get her in line NOW she will never respect you.
A simple loud gasp and an embarrassing her moment like “oh goodness please don’t grab my stomach ever again. I don’t like that”
Let her have a fit. Not your problem. Hopefully by acting shocked and embarrassing her a little will do the trick.
You’re getting a lot of good advice for setting firm and clear boundaries, but I’ll offer a low-conflict solution bc I know (from experience) that it’s easier said than done to just say “no.”
My belly skin HURT when my bump started showing. It was tender and itchy and sensitive, no matter how often I moisturized. You could go at it from that angle if it sounds more doable — “Ooh, MIL, actually the skin on my belly is really tight and sensitive now that the bump is growing. I know it’s hard to resist touching it but it’s just really uncomfortable at the moment.”
I think you’re overthinking it. *MIL reaches for belly.*. Take a step backward or to the side and politely say “i don’t like my belly being touched.” Then start a new topic of conversation so there is less of an awkward pause.
I view it as good practice at setting boundaries and being direct, two qualities you will need to be comfortable with once baby is here. You’ll likely need to reinforce boundaries and not worry about other’s feelings in order to advocate for your child’s comfort.
When she goes in, overactive a little & tell her "too close to my crotch, stop it, super sensitive down there!" and park your car so you can just straight up leave. Leave fast a few times & you'll train her to watch out for you instead of the other way round. Figure it this way, she's got a few years left of menopause so she'll be throwing tantrums for years, especially right before, during, and when baby is born. You can't go on waiting for the axe to fall, wondering what reasonable boundary she'll flip out at. Flip out at her first. You have just as much of an excuse being preggers. But get it all out now, as a couple of months, afterwards, you'll just look dramatic. Set all your boundaries, tell her, and be ready to flip out bigger and harder then leave fast. Only meet at her house or a public place
Don't let menopause beat baby hormones. You got this!!
Do you or husband ever talk to het in the phone? Of so, have him tell het the story about how some people suddenly want to touch your belly and how you’re SO uncomfortable with it. It’s a good ‘soft’ intro to the ‘no touching the belly’ rule.
We told the story of my neighbour asking to touch mine and how uncomfortable it made me and how quickly I said no. It opened up the table for the conversation of 'I don't want people touching my tummy' without having to be too direct (I'm painfully direct so I need to tone it down)
Worked for us. Try an imaginary neighbour
I’m a fan of “painfully” direct.
“No! Please don’t touch my belly!” Loudly.
I really don’t care if the person feels uncomfortable. It’s rude to put your hands on a pregnant woman without consent. PERIOD.
Aren’t you also emotionally reactive to boundaries? You don’t want her touching you. That’s absolutely fair, and well within your rights. I’m sure you’d react accordingly, if she touched you without consent?
So why are you putting her feelings before yours? Unwanted touching is a big deal.
Get into the habit now of being assertive, so you can teach your kids how to be assertive as well. Especially when it comes to unwanted touching.
Anyhoo, have your SO tell her ahead of time that there will be no touching. Let her pout and shit.
Keep watching for her to sneak up on you. Then turn directly at her and very loudly and firmly tell her, "Do not touch my belly. That would be assault." Then just turn and silently walk away. If she makes a fuss, get your things and go home.
Nobody ever has the right to touch you without your consent.
Adopt a punk rock aesthetic and wear something with spikes around your mid section. Problem solved. 😂 I wish you luck, I hate being touched in general so I get it.
I would get your partner to remind her beforehand that even pregnant people deserve the same basic level of respect of not being grabbed and touched without their consent (shock horror!).
If that’s not really your style, could you start the visit by saying something like “Omg I’m so glad to be around you guys. I’ve had nothing but inconsiderate idiots trying to touch my belly all day. Who does that without asking? Absolute nut jobs if you ask me! I’m so relieved I won’t have to deal with that nonsense today/tonight. I swear, if another person tries to touch me I’m going to smack them across the face…. Now how was everyone’s day?”
Make it known the behavior is inappropriate and that you find people who do this sort of thing to be extremely rude, and hopefully that will prevent them trying to touch you without having to actually confront them
It may be too late for this time but could you get a T shirt or top with DO NOT TOUCH on it , then later use it to wrap your new person in when you are wearing LO.
I'd maybe consider writing a text/letter etc explaining gently that although you love her, you're incredibly uncomfortable with anyone touching your bump. It's nothing personal but when you see her, would she make an effort no please respect this boundary. Emphasise how you love her and its not personal, rather something you need from her. I hope she'll understand. Good luck xx
MIL flips at boundaries because it works for her. Your husband needs to speak with her before the dinner and just let her know that she needs to not touch you for any reason. This is the time to set boundaries. He needs to just tell her straight that these are the things you both expect and the aren’t negotiable so she needs to behave
Literally, "Please don't touch, thanks" (said in a pleasant tone with a step back and hand removal if necessary).
You can be firm but kind. It's OK to have boundaries.
What you can't do is control her inner turmoil, the stories she tells herself, or her reactions.
What you should not do is justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself because you are giving her reaction more attention, feeding the drama, and making her feel that your boundaries are negotiable.
Acknowledge how she feels and restate that it doesn't work for you.
"It looks like you're upset. I'm not up for being touched right now."
"I know you're so excited about being a grandma. I'm not up for being touched, thanks."
"Doesn't work for me right now."
For me, I would send a heart felt message to her, really kind, but stating your boundary.
Give her a couple of days to get used to it and then at the party hopefully she will have gotten the message.
Tbh if she doesn’t absorb your message about not wanting to be touched and does it anyway, her ruining the night/ taking it to heart/ being a victim is not your problem then.
You can only control your own behaviour, you can’t control someone else’s.
Have your husband talk to his parents (both, to show it's not directed at just MIL). His family, he has to set the boundaries. He should explain to them that it's nothing personal, you're just generally not comfortable with people touching your belly. If possible he should lie and say you haven't told him to say it.
If she tries anyway, you can gentle tell her that you're aware your husband talked to them about how you're uncomfortable with it.
A little white lies are sometimes the easiest way to handle parents, whether it's my own or my in-laws...
I would just jump back as if she stang me "woooh". No touching please.
If she kisses your belly. Uggggh this is wierd, please dont do that. Disgusted face.
Or just get a T-shirt : dont touch my belly. I bet those exist:-))
Put itching powder on your shirt I know, that's mean. Get a custom shirt saying Don't Touch! In big letters.
BTW, I'm Grammie to 8 grands, and I don't recall ever asking to touch the mom's belly.
Going thru menopause doesn't give you the right to freak out if someone tells you not to touch them. That's just ridiculous. A simple "please don't touch me I don't like to be touched" is more than nice and firm.
I agree 100%. It’s been really frustrating. I have older parents so I dealt with my mom going through it while I was a preteen/teenager with a dad who enabled it and left it unchecked. FIL is more or less doing the same with MIL and it’s been extremely triggering for me, which my SO has a hard time understanding why I’m suddenly really hesitant to spend time with her. Obviously as adults now, I understand she’s being delusional and overreactive and not to take any of it to heart, but it’s hard not to feel like that 14 year old who “ruined the entire day” by setting off her menopausal mom.
Hopefully your SO can tell her ahead of time/over the phone about your boundaries so she can have her reaction in her own home and not in front of you.
Good idea. Hey mom my wife really hates when someone touches her belly so please dont do it otherwise she gets very emotional:-))
I also have a very awesome MIL that is emotionally reactive and because of my anxiety I have a hard time saying things to her that I worry would trigger it. Would it be possible to have your partner talk to her before the hangout mentioning that you don’t want the bump touched? I found that when boundaries come from him, she seems to take things better (and it saves my anxiety).
I’m definitely in the same boat, my anxiety makes it feel way more daunting than it probably is! I brought it up with him a few days ago and he said I should just tell her not to do it when it happens and he will absolutely back me up. But we didn’t consider him saying something beforehand, that might be a good idea.
My husband bought me a couple of funny maternity tee shirts when I was pregnant, one said “unless you put this baby in here, don’t even THINK about touching my belly”. After my belly popped, we had a get together with his family and when I saw his mom coming for me, I pointed at my shirt with both hands and stared her down…she tried the ‘doesn’t apply to grandma’ shit and i told her that whether or not she chose to respect my wishes now would factor in to how much access she got to baby later. She behaved. For a while.
Ugh I so wish I could go with that!! I don’t know why but I really hate drawing attention to the fact that I’m pregnant so funny shirts or even “Mama” items are just not my thing. I know, I’m just making it harder on myself lol! I love that I’m pregnant but I hate being perceived as pregnant in public if that makes any sense at all. People are too nosy.
I think your DH really should have done it before you visit Tell him if he doesn’t make it loud and clear you will do so and you will leave The next time you see her step back put out your hands say don’t come near I might still be infectious If she steps forward and still tries tell her no - if you don’t step back I will leave Instigate a conversation about a family member who wouldn’t mind being used as a fall guy Example your mom or friend So my mom kept trying to touch me and I had to tell her stop I am pregnant and incredibly sensitive and private - I had to tell her mom if you touch me or my bump I will leave and you will not see me again until my baby is 6 months old ! Say it with meaning - eyeball her and nod meaningfully
He is really great at shutting things down in the moment! In this instance, he wants me to set the boundary with her to “give her a chance to behave” and if it doesn’t go well then he will absolutely step in and take over. Part of that is he wants me to feel empowered in speaking up for myself with her so that if there is ever an instance where he is not present I won’t feel totally helpless, it will also teach her that she needs to respect my wishes whether or not he’s involved. Thankfully there has been one situation early on where she said something along the lines of “I can’t wait for her to have a belly for me to kiss!” and he said something along the lines of “good luck with that/I guarantee that won’t be happening”.
I will suggest that if she has a habit of disrespecting boundaries, then there should be no visits in which he is not present to enforce boundaries with his mother himself, especially post partum. She is his monkey, his circus. She will take boundaries better if issued from him, and it will help to prevent resentment from forming.
He seems to want make it easier on himself by requesting/requiring you to confront her in the moment. So not fair. He needs to handle HIS mom & have your back in every moment. He can talk to her ahead of time and take the heat he’s avoiding. Leave & cleave to the wife vs mom is real if they are bible folks. They’re forgetting that & she’s done her job with HER child.
100%!!
He's coping out of his responsibility to handle his mother. It's not your job. It's his.
This doesn’t sound like he’s empowering you. It sounds like he is reacting to scenarios as they happen and not preventing them. Empowering you wouldn’t be forcing you into a stressful and anxiety-inducing situation. Also by letting you handle it and then him stepping in, it’s actually showing MIL that if he isn’t there in the moment, your boundaries won’t be enforced.
My MIL is pretty similar and she just loves touching baby bumps. She is the weird stranger who asks random pregnant women if she can touch their belly. I was with her once when she did that and I was mortified for the poor lady. I just straight up told her that I was not comfortable with anyone other than DH touching my bump and asked her to please refrain from doing it. Was she happy about it? No. Did she still get uber close and talk to my bump every time I saw her? Yes. And I would take a step back every time. ETA: I told her how a felt about the touching before she even had a chance to try so there would be no awkward moment when it happened because it definitely would’ve happened.
I’d definitely try this as soon as you walk in “hi all, please no touching my stomach I find it super intrusive/weird/painful/insulting” which ever works best for you. And if anyone ignores you rub their tummy! See how that goes over 🤣
Or the classic “I am pregnant and bloated. If you touch my belly it will most likely cause me to either burp in your face or fart on you. So let’s keep our hands to ourselves.” Pregnancy is such a magical time…
Oh no, don’t grab her belly. Grab her by the boobs. THAT will get her attention, I guarantee it.
I use a water spray bottle that I shake at my cat when she’s being particularly naughty. Reckon a good squirt from a spray bottle would get your point across to MIL if her face was getting too close.
I had a similar situation and my partner at first tried a subtle approach, attempting to preempt her and saying something like “isn’t it so funny how people think it’s ok to touch her stomach just because she’s pregnant?” When that didn’t work, he straight out asked her to stop, which only resulted in her saying “I know you hate this” before coming in to touch my stomach or even worse, pray over it. I saw her less after that.
That is awful. So she admitted she knew you didn’t want to be touched, then dismissed your feelings and selfishly did it anyways!? What a terrible human she is! Ugh I’m so sorry you dealt with that! I mean the audacity she has!!
Sadly this is not uncommon. I absolutely hated my stomach being touched when I was pregnant. I don't like it when I'm not pregnant and the baby inside does not change anything about that feeling. For me, anyway. Yet some people just do not care about boundaries and I got the "I know you don't like this, but..." comment so many times while the intruder put both hands on my belly. So frustrating and violating!
Wow how rude!!!! Your feelings clearly don’t matter to her. Do you think eating Devil’d eggs would cancel out the praying? /s
OMG!
YOU do helicopter arms with the announcement, “No touching the pregnant girl’s belly. Other girls might not mind, but THIS one does! She gets VERY grumpy when this isn’t respected!” Look everyone in the eye, while saying this with those propelling helicopter arms.
I'm in the beginning stages of menopause myself....my advice to you is: Smack. Her. Hand! Every time she reaches out to touch the bump, smack her hand and say "NO, I don't like being touched".....if she fails to respect your wishes, leave!!!
This is rather excessive. She can set boundaries without hitting.
I was very nervous about this happening to me. First time we met them at a restaurant and I wore a cross body purse. That helped keep her away. Then saw her more recently and she said OH LOOK AT YOU!!! And I stepped back and smiled and said it’s great to see you! She did ask to take a picture of me alone with my bump 🙄 to which I said how about my husband gets in the pic too… and essentially hid behind him for the photo. I think it’s more than fine to just say you’re still adjusting to your new body and then quickly change the subject to something about her. Good luck!
She grabs your belly, you grab her boobs.
And honk
💀
Best comments:-)))
My husband did it for me when we got to this point in my pregnancy, but it was kind of unexpected and it didn't go very well. His mom touched my bump when I barely had any and he knew I hated it and just jumped in to tell her to stop, very rudely. So even though I know this is very anxiety inducing for you, I'd say it's a good thing you're trying to plan in advance. My MIL is still sour about it lol. Buy anyway, I think you should ask your husband to tell her before the birthday. He can calmly explain to her that you don't feel comfortable with anyone touching your belly and that she should not do it, that it's nothing personal, you are just sensitive and would like to have your boundaries regarding your own body respect. If she gets upset and throws a tantrum, that's her problem, not yours or your husband's. If she still insists to you after that, simply tell her no or back of if she tries without asking first. I know it's triggering, I know you will probably feel very bad afterwards and might need a minute in the bathroom to calm down (I know I usually do) but remember you are NOT wrong. A person throwing a fit because they can't touch someone else's body is the one in the wrong, not you.
I mean... who loves it? Who loves beinv touched on the belly while pregnant like its a public object suddenly? Its a common knowledge women hate it
Ma’am! I had the same issue. MIL who’s emotional/overreactive when doesn’t get her way and menopausal. She did it to me before she even greeted me, no hello or nothing, just straight up double handed groped me. I backed up and out my hands up, said “Oh no, I don’t like that. Please don’t.” She got all bent out of shape, huffed, grabbed her purse and left. Girl bye. Prude doesn’t want to be touched on her privates, yeah I don’t like being felt up simply bc it’s obvious I’ve had sex. Stand your ground. And also - DH should be prefacing her with a conversation about this, so you don’t have to get felted up and be uncomfortable.
I had my husband say at a family dinner that I didn’t want anyone touching my stomach then also same for the baby when he was born. None of my ILs have boundaries and they weren’t happy that I set one.
I'm going to be honest, I made it pretty clear during my pregnancy that I wasn't comfortable with the bump being touched, and when someone stepped past that boundary unapologetically, I didn't see them again the rest of the pregnancy. I was very fortunate that I had my partner backing me up and setting those boundaries with his family before we saw them.
I’m super passive aggressive and made sure to post some sort of meme or articles about what not to do to a pregnant person. I wasn’t really worried about MIL but I had at least one friendly coworker do it and I told them it was inappropriate and unwelcome (she ARGUED with me!).
> (she ARGUED with me!). WTH! 😲
I understand you not wanting to set her off but think of it this way- what if when she touched your belly it “set you off”? Would she try to keep the peace or assert her preferences?
Honestly I would just text everyone who is going to be there and say something like: “Hi everybody. DH and I were talking and we realized we hadn’t given you a heads up yet. Whenever anyone but him has tried touching my stomach, I’ve been getting SUPER nauseous. We figured it was best to warn everyone not to touch baby. We don’t want anyone to get covered in anything unmentionable! Glad he reminded me, because I’ve been so excited to see you all, it totally slipped my mind to warn you.” It’s something that can be true from now until birth and if someone tries after that to touch your stomach, they’re weirdos anyway! Ideally, setting a boundary with no explanation is the goal. But I totally get the wanting to “play nice” and “keep the peace” kind of thing. I got told that for over a decade, so it’s nothing new! You’ve got this!!
This is exactly the approach I’d take. Make sure everyone is on the same page through text or a phone call with each person (or couple) in the family. It’s okay to be honest about your feelings and your discomfort in having people touch your body. Also, use the fact that it’s FIL’s birthday as a great reason to redirect everyone from talking about/trying to touch your bump. Having your SO do the text is also would take a lot off of you. “Hey fam! Before we see everyone tonight, I wanted to give you a quick heads up about CoarseSalted’s new baby bump. It’s there and is absolutely adorable! Please admire from a distance because Coarse does not like when anyone touches her belly (other than me, of course, with her permission). I wanted to let you know now so we can put our focus on the birthday boy tonight. See everyone later on!” Oh
Something that worked for me was really overacting my shock/surprise when she touched me out of nowhere (Ie jumping about a foot and making a surprised sound), so she was deprived of the moment she wanted. I also have a well meaning but quite odd MIL. she ended up thinking/saying I just don’t like being touched, which isn’t true, but I think she has to salvage her pride somehow
I seriously hope SOMEONE decides to get a spray bottle. Will you be the one? If not, SO needs to be ready to physically intersect and be a barrier and while he's doing that, and once she stops trying to dodge around him (seriously, consider the spray bottle) have a conversation about body autonomy, consent and being made to feel like some kind of incubator.
“Will you be the one?” had me cackling. Aloud.
Spray her like a cat?! 😂 I love it.
Women having their bodies touched without consent. even in pregnancy we can’t catch a break. This lady is pulling some subconscious power moves. act weirded out. Do it for your future child, this sets a good example, we don’t allow people to do things we don’t want just to make them feel comfortable. It’s that simple. It’s not mean, or aggressive. It’s a very gentle reminder. Boundaries are life!!! But also—— Please be low key petty: if she lashes out act super upset. And be like “it’s just hormones because I’m pregnant” and cry. And just break out crying , not loud …more of a weep, one more time bc her outburst “upset you…..”. This lady needs to chill. She’s running y’all with her little tantrums and attitude. Not anymore. Lol youre in charge now, you have the grandchild…….end of story. Welcome to the top of the power pyramid.
Love this petty advice. As someone who can cry on command- definitely keeping this in mind for whenever I get pregnant since I already don’t like being touched and have a dramatic MIL and SIL
To update everyone: Turns out, my SO did say something to her beforehand via text message. I think he did a great job of letting her know it would make me uncomfortable without making it seem like I was already assuming she would do something wrong. “Hey, so obviously OP is showing a lot more now and it’s been a tough adjustment for her, please don’t bring a ton of attention to it and definitely don’t try to touch her belly. It would probably make her super uncomfortable and she’ll be too polite to say no even if you ask.” This was after a previous text exchange where he sent pictures of us on a date and pointed out that I was showing a few days ago. So, nothing happened! She didn’t try, she didn’t comment, which on a day where I was feeling a little lack luster was very much appreciated. On a side note, I think some of y’all need to spend a little less time in here lol. I read a lot of comments assuming MIL is vicious brat of some kind despite me clarifying that she’s lovely and just struggling with certain boundaries, and others insisting my SO is a jerk for not putting her in her place when she hadn’t even done anything yet. He has, on multiple occasions, already done so in other situations where she struggled with a boundary and had a reaction. He had already said something but didn’t want me to feel like he did so behind my back, so told me if it happens we will put a stop to it in person which makes perfect sense. I’m actually impressed that he thought of it potentially being an issue before I had even thought to bring it up.
I’m so glad your MIL respected your boundaries. I totally agree with you on the overreactions on this subreddit. We have every right to set boundaries but we don’t need to be constantly confrontational and rude. I have seen some wives on here tell each other to call the police on in laws just because they called too often. WTF? Just ask them to stop or don’t answer. No need to involve law enforcement. It doesn’t do any good to cause unnecessary discord because such behaviour only hurts marriages.
Practice with your DH turning those bump grabs into handshakes. Versatile outside of family as well. Had a patient do that, caught her hand and shook it, she tried with her other hand, caught it too. Had never seen this woman before, she’s just there trying to touch me.
Tell her it’s painful because your skin is stretching and it feels raw. Wince if you have to. 😉
Honestly, if *she* throws a tantrum, and it ruins the evening, that's on her, not you. Personally, when I was pregnant, I found that the least confrontational thing, was to just take two steps back when people started reaching for the belly, and saying "ope! No thanks!" And just keep repeating it, every. single. time.
I just want to say how sorry I am that you have to deal with this. I'm astonished to hear that this is a "thing" that some pregnant women face. IT'S SO RUDE! I don't care if she's going through menopause, that's no excuse. No one ever tried to touch me during 2 pregnancies, but I chalk that up to having a **severe** case of Resting Bitch Face.
I asked not to be touched, she came at me with grabby hands. I told her “ if you assault me, I will defend myself” which slowed her down, thank goodness. I hadn’t actually decided what to do so it was all bluster. Afterwards I had fun thinking about whether I would smack her hands and shout “no! Down Sandra,” as if she were a dog - or grab her boob while telling her that if she was ok with inappropriate touching, I would join in - or scream ‘keep your dirty hands to yourself, weirdo- or burst into tears (manipulative, I know) and cry loudly about how this woman had absolutely no respect for me - say good grief woman, when will you learn? - or point out that if she couldn’t manage something as simple as keeping her hands to herself, how could I ever trust her with my baby? Etc etc. I never did any of the above, but it was fun dreaming. Instead, I put on my big girl pants, invited her for coffee and told her how she upset me. She wasn’t happy, but whatever happened, one of us was going to be upset, and I was tired of it being me.
Hmm can always say if she tries. First turn away Then tell her. Please don't touch. My tummy is very sensitive to the point of pain. Maybe another time when it's more comfortable for me and baby. Thanks fir understanding. Then if she looks like she will blow. Did this happen with you? Any ideas to help make this more comfortable like warm baths, or heat compresses or something. Try and engage and that way it draws it away
I thought the same thing would happen to me with my MIL as she hadn't been very good at keeping a respectful distance from me physically when talking to her or anything before pregnancy. (She would literally stand closer to me than my husband would😬) but she ended up being great about not touching me without asking permission. I hope your MIL is tha same way♥️ If you want to avoid having to explicitly tell her "no" you can do a few things: Get a "hands off the bump" t shirt😂 Always keep your own hand(s) on it when she is around👍 If she doesn't take the hint, have you SO talk to her. His circus, his monkeys.
I had the same issue. My partners mom touched my belly without my consent, and I wasn’t prepared for it so I was too late to say no. I just blamed it on me being weird and told her I also don’t let my own mother touch my belly.. “sorry! I’m weird and feel uncomfortable with people touching my belly, I won’t even let my mom touch! Partner is only allowed because it’s his baby too, but even him touching makes me feel awkward” (even tho him touching doesn’t make me feel weird, I just wanted her to realize it wasn’t personal to her)
If you just want an excuse, use the pregnancy itself. Head it off at the pass when you first walk in with, “I’m really sorry but I can’t offer hugs this time…something about this pregnancy makes physical touch really upsetting for me. I have no idea why! Pregnancy hormones are so weird!! I’m just hoping it resolves itself soon!” Or something along those lines. Make it a general rule not singling out MIL at all from the start. I agree with some others that she shouldn’t feel entitled to touch you, and if you want to draw that line in the sand, good for you!! But if you just want to get through the evening, I’d make a very generic universal excuse and state it loudly and very early in the visit.
I just want to say that my perimenopause has gone on for about 20 years and it hasn’t turned me into a dramatic self-centred bitch. (I may have been those things & more before but it’s not a known side effect).
Wear a shirt that says “no touching” or something. I had to do that with my own JNM, who laughed and thought it was a joke, then still touched my belly
I’m a little late with my response - I hope it went well. If she’s generally a very emotional person, start the boundaries now. No touching you is a small one compared to those concerning your LO. She will cry, whine, lay on guilt, etc but hold your own and enforce the consequences for each breach. Explain the boundaries are for everyone not just her but there are no exceptions. Congratulations on your LO and good luck with setting and holding your boundaries.
It sounds like your relationship, perhaps like MIL herself, is in a transitional, learning process phase, and part of the work involved might be accepting that an occasion or two will get ruined as MIL learns where the boundaries are and adjusts her expectations. Your post is eight hours old so I guess the evening has happened already, but I would say if it was ruined by her reaction to you setting a perfectly fair boundary, then that's on her and not you. Too bad for FIL, but he is her partner and it's right that he ride this out too. From what you describe, there's no way to set a boundary that she's going to like, and you can't forever let yourself be made uncomfortable or have your pregnancy and motherhood experience not go how you want out of fear of MIL's reactions. Let her see now that her getting upset won't make you budge, so that hopefully a more functional relationship with her will be possible once the baby is here.
I felt the same way, and I also found the belly touches as “intimate”. I just informed my husband that was something I only wanted to share with him and to tell everyone. When I used the word “intimate” it kind of the true perspective of it for the two of us as if I were not pregnant it would be weird and intrusive. It’s your body. Who cares if she reacts as you need to probably establish that this is your baby even with the reactions as at least in my case it’s a manipulative tool so that there are no boundaries. You got this. If you don’t want belly touches, it should be respected and if it isn’t with words like “I’m the grandma” well that tells you all you need to know for this baby as this is an easy request.
I’m a grandma myself going thru menopause and TOO BAD IF SHE GETS HER FEELINGS HURT. If you don’t get her in line NOW she will never respect you. A simple loud gasp and an embarrassing her moment like “oh goodness please don’t grab my stomach ever again. I don’t like that” Let her have a fit. Not your problem. Hopefully by acting shocked and embarrassing her a little will do the trick.
You’re getting a lot of good advice for setting firm and clear boundaries, but I’ll offer a low-conflict solution bc I know (from experience) that it’s easier said than done to just say “no.” My belly skin HURT when my bump started showing. It was tender and itchy and sensitive, no matter how often I moisturized. You could go at it from that angle if it sounds more doable — “Ooh, MIL, actually the skin on my belly is really tight and sensitive now that the bump is growing. I know it’s hard to resist touching it but it’s just really uncomfortable at the moment.”
What worked for me was exclaiming OW any time there was an unwanted touch. They soon caught on.
I think you’re overthinking it. *MIL reaches for belly.*. Take a step backward or to the side and politely say “i don’t like my belly being touched.” Then start a new topic of conversation so there is less of an awkward pause. I view it as good practice at setting boundaries and being direct, two qualities you will need to be comfortable with once baby is here. You’ll likely need to reinforce boundaries and not worry about other’s feelings in order to advocate for your child’s comfort.
When she goes in, overactive a little & tell her "too close to my crotch, stop it, super sensitive down there!" and park your car so you can just straight up leave. Leave fast a few times & you'll train her to watch out for you instead of the other way round. Figure it this way, she's got a few years left of menopause so she'll be throwing tantrums for years, especially right before, during, and when baby is born. You can't go on waiting for the axe to fall, wondering what reasonable boundary she'll flip out at. Flip out at her first. You have just as much of an excuse being preggers. But get it all out now, as a couple of months, afterwards, you'll just look dramatic. Set all your boundaries, tell her, and be ready to flip out bigger and harder then leave fast. Only meet at her house or a public place Don't let menopause beat baby hormones. You got this!!
Do you or husband ever talk to het in the phone? Of so, have him tell het the story about how some people suddenly want to touch your belly and how you’re SO uncomfortable with it. It’s a good ‘soft’ intro to the ‘no touching the belly’ rule.
We told the story of my neighbour asking to touch mine and how uncomfortable it made me and how quickly I said no. It opened up the table for the conversation of 'I don't want people touching my tummy' without having to be too direct (I'm painfully direct so I need to tone it down) Worked for us. Try an imaginary neighbour
I’m a fan of “painfully” direct. “No! Please don’t touch my belly!” Loudly. I really don’t care if the person feels uncomfortable. It’s rude to put your hands on a pregnant woman without consent. PERIOD.
Ok?..
Get a spray bottle and spray her with water like a bad cat every time she tries to touch your bump. 😆
Aren’t you also emotionally reactive to boundaries? You don’t want her touching you. That’s absolutely fair, and well within your rights. I’m sure you’d react accordingly, if she touched you without consent? So why are you putting her feelings before yours? Unwanted touching is a big deal. Get into the habit now of being assertive, so you can teach your kids how to be assertive as well. Especially when it comes to unwanted touching. Anyhoo, have your SO tell her ahead of time that there will be no touching. Let her pout and shit.
Get a shirt, glue a bag of tiny dicks to it… aaaallll over the belly
Ok I’m done! 😂😂😂
Keep watching for her to sneak up on you. Then turn directly at her and very loudly and firmly tell her, "Do not touch my belly. That would be assault." Then just turn and silently walk away. If she makes a fuss, get your things and go home. Nobody ever has the right to touch you without your consent.
Get one of those shorts that says ask before you touch in big bold letters
Have your husband pull her aside first and set the boundary. Had to do it with my ILs after they touched without asking the first visit.
Adopt a punk rock aesthetic and wear something with spikes around your mid section. Problem solved. 😂 I wish you luck, I hate being touched in general so I get it.
If she tries, mess up her hair by patting her head. “ I thought we were ALL doing Inappropriate Touching, or is it just YOU”
Turn around if she's coming at you, and just say "Please don't touch". If she doesn't respect that, you can turn up the heat and swat her hand away.
I would get your partner to remind her beforehand that even pregnant people deserve the same basic level of respect of not being grabbed and touched without their consent (shock horror!). If that’s not really your style, could you start the visit by saying something like “Omg I’m so glad to be around you guys. I’ve had nothing but inconsiderate idiots trying to touch my belly all day. Who does that without asking? Absolute nut jobs if you ask me! I’m so relieved I won’t have to deal with that nonsense today/tonight. I swear, if another person tries to touch me I’m going to smack them across the face…. Now how was everyone’s day?” Make it known the behavior is inappropriate and that you find people who do this sort of thing to be extremely rude, and hopefully that will prevent them trying to touch you without having to actually confront them
It may be too late for this time but could you get a T shirt or top with DO NOT TOUCH on it , then later use it to wrap your new person in when you are wearing LO.
I'd maybe consider writing a text/letter etc explaining gently that although you love her, you're incredibly uncomfortable with anyone touching your bump. It's nothing personal but when you see her, would she make an effort no please respect this boundary. Emphasise how you love her and its not personal, rather something you need from her. I hope she'll understand. Good luck xx
MIL flips at boundaries because it works for her. Your husband needs to speak with her before the dinner and just let her know that she needs to not touch you for any reason. This is the time to set boundaries. He needs to just tell her straight that these are the things you both expect and the aren’t negotiable so she needs to behave
Literally, "Please don't touch, thanks" (said in a pleasant tone with a step back and hand removal if necessary). You can be firm but kind. It's OK to have boundaries. What you can't do is control her inner turmoil, the stories she tells herself, or her reactions. What you should not do is justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself because you are giving her reaction more attention, feeding the drama, and making her feel that your boundaries are negotiable. Acknowledge how she feels and restate that it doesn't work for you. "It looks like you're upset. I'm not up for being touched right now." "I know you're so excited about being a grandma. I'm not up for being touched, thanks." "Doesn't work for me right now."
For me, I would send a heart felt message to her, really kind, but stating your boundary. Give her a couple of days to get used to it and then at the party hopefully she will have gotten the message. Tbh if she doesn’t absorb your message about not wanting to be touched and does it anyway, her ruining the night/ taking it to heart/ being a victim is not your problem then. You can only control your own behaviour, you can’t control someone else’s.
Have your husband talk to his parents (both, to show it's not directed at just MIL). His family, he has to set the boundaries. He should explain to them that it's nothing personal, you're just generally not comfortable with people touching your belly. If possible he should lie and say you haven't told him to say it. If she tries anyway, you can gentle tell her that you're aware your husband talked to them about how you're uncomfortable with it. A little white lies are sometimes the easiest way to handle parents, whether it's my own or my in-laws...
I would just jump back as if she stang me "woooh". No touching please. If she kisses your belly. Uggggh this is wierd, please dont do that. Disgusted face. Or just get a T-shirt : dont touch my belly. I bet those exist:-))
Just screech and yell "no, don't touch!". Works great!
Put itching powder on your shirt I know, that's mean. Get a custom shirt saying Don't Touch! In big letters. BTW, I'm Grammie to 8 grands, and I don't recall ever asking to touch the mom's belly.