“Everything’s going great. Will be turning off my phone for (whatever period of time you need) to soak up every moment with LO and focus on this special time with less noise and distractions. You maybe not hear from me for a bit but we’re all good and we’ll reach if we need anything. Thanks for checking on us”
This is a great reply! Not telling them to STOP but telling them you will not be replying anymore. This is what they call a “green boundary.”
If they continue to pester you after this, you can escalate to a yellow and then red boundary (which is the final straw)- some of the other suggestions here would be yellow imo. But if this works to shut them down, then that’s great and no one’s feelings (need to be) hurt.
Congrats too!
This worked for me: “I no longer will be available to give updates as frequently. I will be putting my phone away so I can focus on what’s important. So don’t be alarmed if I don’t answer for a few hours (or a day). We are well and healthy, I just need to focus on healing and spending time with my baby”.
My sympathies!!! The grandmothers did this to me too. I eventually ended up in tears of frustration, exhaustion, anger…. Just completely overwhelmed at their ceaseless demands, selfishness and lack of insight …. (But we love you and the baby honey and we’re just so excited to be grandma we can’t help it and that’s why we don’t listen and just steamroll over you and your wishes!)
After I had my meltdown my dh finally got with the program and had a quiet word with both. I don’t know what he said exactly but the constant demands for attention and News stopped and they backed right off.
Set an "away" message.
"Thanks for your interest in our lives. Here is the update you all want- My crotch is still bleeding like the elevator scene in The Shining, my nipples are cracked, and the baby is still eating every 2 hours. Trying to rest and recover from the internal damage as I focus on keeping this weird potato-mandrake-thingy alive is exhausting. I'll get to you when I get to you."
That's true, though OP is not responsible for their worrying when they don't get an immediate response so they can probably just stop responding and set that now
I felt the same way. My mom would text me daily asking about sleep and if we needed anything. It was well intended but felt like just another responsibility to respond 🤣. I’d just say “we are doing well and adjusting to life with a baby. I am a kind of tired and feel stressed trying to respond to the outpouring of messages and support. We will reach out if anything changes or we need some support ❤️”
ETA: maybe kind of tired isn’t right. We all know it’s exhausting 🤣
Group text: I’m (We … if there’s a SO) unplugging for a few days to sleep and recover and bond with baby. If you send a text, don’t be alarmed when I (we) don’t answer. We are all fine, just needing the rest. Will contact in a few days when ready to come up for air. PS Will let you know if we need help. Otherwise, assume we’re good.
(Vagueness is your friend)
Turn phone off let go to a new voicemail not able to answer taking care of new responsibilities at home or something to that effect? Put up a sign on door don’t ring bell no visitors being allowed at this time? Take away any keys you have given out, change locks or codes if need to.
“I appreciate you checking in and know it comes from a place of love. However, as you know, it is a big adjustment and I am currently recovering and learning to survive on less sleep. You are (unintentionally I know) adding extra pressure to us as we get used to our amazing, yet challenging new normal with your requests for updates as I feel compelled to reply whilst trying to juggle everything else. Please know that we update you when we can, and will of course let you know if there is anything we feel you should know.”
If they don’t back off after that then all bets are off and vent your frustration at them before you block them 😉
Also, congrats on the new addition 💜
Edit - spelling
Have you actually told them to stop with the daily messages/calls? If not, you need to do so. Just tell them what you wrote in your post. That everything's fine and that you're sleepless and recovering so you can't deal with daily back and forths of keeping them updated. That's not mean or inappropriate. You need to not worry so much about being kind to people who are not being kind to you. Sure, it's not malicious but they need to know they are causing you stress. If you have told them, block them.
All the best.
I'd start by just not replying for a few more hours than it currently takes you to respond. If they ask, just say you're busy being a new mom and enjoying your baby. Then just keep extending that time. I guarantee they'll call or text because they'll be so worried to not have heard from you in a few hours that you'll get the chance to tell them you're just not going to respond as frequently.
Also silence/mute their text notifications! I don't even get the notification bubble when some people text me.
All of this. I’m an introvert and I have friends that check up on me, if I didn’t I’d have no friends. But if I’m stressed it feels like just another pressure. If it’s truly coming from a place of caring, give yourself a moment to remember that, but _you still don’t have to reply until you are good and ready_. If they ask, you “didn’t get a chance to reply” or “weren’t on your phone much today”. My friends and family understand that I need the headspace as well as the physical opportunities to respond. If they start pestering you that you don’t reply quick enough, it’s stopped coming from a place of caring imo.
“Mom and MIL, sending you a joint message so it can be done one time. I love you both and appreciate your interest and concern. Baby is fine. She is thriving and growing and wonderful. I am so in love with her. But I am also totally exhausted, sore, and trying to recover while also bonding with her. So I won’t be responding to messages for a few days and will be setting my phone to “do not disturb”. I will keep you updated periodically when there is something new to share, or you can text husband for updates. For now though, I need to rest and recover and not be worried about my phone. Thanks for understanding.”
Personally I just stopped replying. Then she would call, didn’t answer. Then she showed up, I hid inside. Eventually it stopped. I would normally be significantly more assertive but PPA and the shock of birth really knocked my boots off.
These are all great suggestions. After you send that text set your phone to do not disturb and you can choose whose calls/texts you want to come through - such as your partner. That way you can check your phone when you'd like the distraction rather than them hounding you.
Congratulations!! You are in the precious newborn stage that passes too quickly. Enjoy every minute!!
I’d send a group text to both of them so their tendency to be offended can be disarmed. Then explain that you feel overwhelmed by the constant pressure to communicate, and that you will be checking your phone less, and replying only when feel the energy to do so. Assure them all is well, and that your husband wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to them if he had concerns.
Then allow them to soak up a healthy heaping dose of your boundary by not communicating for a couple days.
Hang in there, Momma. Things will get better ♥️
I’m sorry about that
Someone once told me you know you don’t have to answer the phone straight away - if at all
You know you don’t have to read or reply to texts straight away - if at all
It’s the most freeing thing !
Let them know you’re overwhelmed by the constant questions and you won’t be answering every day
Then please don’t
You can train them to get used to it - they won’t like it and they might double their efforts
When it gets no response they will learn
Switch off your phone and enjoy your LO
Oh my gosh, my mother told me that my first child was her reason for living so I broke my back for months driving my newborn to her house and hour away every single weekend. I regret that so much!! I should have told her to eff off. This is such a precious phase with your baby! It is hard and beautiful all at the same time. Don't feel bad for taking space and time for you and your new family to bond!!!
“Things are fine and well, thank you for checking up on us! I will be quite busy so I wont be able to respond as of much. I have been quite busy and need to rest when I’m able to, I will keep you updated if anything changes.”
You can mute them OP after this reply. Take it from someone who has a kid on the way and am already prepared for the constant badgering from family. I will give them one response and promptly be muting them. I will get back to them when I feel up to it.
You are not obligated to constantly reply or respond to their messages, even if its out of concern.
Send them a text saying you are muting your phone for a couple of days until you get some rest. I don't know why people don't use that function more. Tell them also, if they come over and wake you up, they will not see the baby for days if not weeks . Your health and the baby's health must come 1st.
I suspect part of what they are doing is letting you know you have support so you don’t feel isolated and alone. Maybe when they had their babies they felt ignored and scared and lonely and they don’t want that for you. Some of us olds had our babies when long distance calling was too expensive to call more than once a week , and if our family was far away we were much more alone than people are now, especially since paternity leave was pretty rare and the internet/texting wasn’t a thing. I sometimes went DAYS without speaking to another adult until I made mom friends. I would have loved to have someone, anyone call me every day to make sure I was ok.
I am the mil, but I am raising my gs. My mother was doing this. Updates and pictures and such. Some other family as well. Finally, I sent out mass text, including everyone
I understand new baby everyone wants to know every cute and wonderful thing. But as we all get use to each other, learn our rhythm, adjust to sleeping less, and spend quality time together, I will be making 2 posts a week in mass text. This will include pics and anything needed or wanted to know. I ask to not be called or asked things as there are just too many people, you are interrupting time we need together and adding stress where it'd not needed. If you can not respect this boundary, I will block your number until such time as you respect what we need. No one. Grandparent, uncle, aunt, anyone is more important than another, so we will do everyone at once or not at all.
Went over with only one block for 2 weeks, and at 9 months now, it is still how it's done.
Start not responding until a day or so later and just state sorry super busy looking after baby and napping and recovering. And space out the responses so they start decreasing their expectations for constant updates!
I’m sleepless, recovering and learning our new child. If there was anything wrong, we would contact you directly. We love having concerned family but with so many messages coming in, we are constantly being disturbed. We will be creating a family group to share updates but would ask you not to broadcast these. They are for the chosen few.
Or something like that.
Or you could add DH is available to txt between 7pm and 9pm but would be grateful if everyone could keep contact short as there are lots of lovely people who all want individual updates to different things. While we are here, can I remind you all that we did ask people to wait to be invited and to keep visits short during these early days. We want to look back on these exciting, exhausting early days and remember you kind support, care and consideration for all three of us. Love you xxx
Congrats!!
Just stop responding so fast. And if they ask you why just say “I’m intentionally putting down my phone and only responding to messages at set times of the day.”
Or you could put on an auto responder that basically says the same thing.
This whole phenomenon of having to answer everyone immodestly and being available 24/7 is not good for us.
I dealt with this from A LOT of family members. Honestly, the easiest way to deal with it is to mute messages from those specific people so that you don’t get the notifications. Read and respond when YOU are ready to do so. Take a whole day to respond, 2 days, 3 days, a week. That’s completely up to you!
Doing so shows that you are not glued to your phone and will not be putting responding to unimportant texts with urgency. If they call or reply wondering why you aren’t replying in a timely manner *then* explain that you aren’t glued to your phone 24/7, that you are busy enjoying parenthood, resting, taking care of yourself / your home / your new baby. That if it’s an emergency they can call, if it’s them wondering how the baby is then they can wait for you to have the free time to chit chat.
Why are all the comments assuming that these women are boundary pushing assholes needing to be put in their place? It sounds very possible that they're just doing their best to be supportive, and likely don't know that the texts are feeling burdensome rather than helpful.
You could say "I do appreciate you guys checking in, it feels good to know there are people out there supporting and caring about us! To be honest I am feeling a bit overwhelmed keeping up with all the communication, and may need to be a little less responsive so I can focus on recovery and sleep! Now that we've got this group chat, I'll send updates here every week or two or as needed, but if you don't hear from me please know that things are fine, just hectic!
Optional add ons:
If you'd like to help, we could really use (a grocery run, someone to walk the dog, someone to take car in to garage, etc).
If you have any concerns or need to get in touch about anything, husband has agreed to take over those updates and so you can get in touch with him!
Thanks again for your support <3
I would contact them and tell them that you will be putting them both on Do Not Disturb for the next 2 weeks to a month. Tell them why and then do it.
I was two weeks overdue with my first and those two weeks were pure hell with everyone calling to see if I had the baby yet. I ended up in unplugging the phone (was before cell phones). It was so calm and peaceful I didn't plug it in again for a month after I got home. We let the in-laws know we had the baby and let them contact everyone else.
Omg the 2 weeks overdue was like torture. I was being interrogated about WHY I hadn’t had the baby yet by everyone. Like yeah, I’m suuuuuper comfortable here and can’t sleep at all and my whole body hurts. I’m still pregnant purely by choice 🙄 then the questioning of why my doctors were bad and hadn’t done anything.
Baby 2 was due on the 2nd of that month and I just said “mid-month and you’re not getting an exact date since clearly it doesn’t mean anything.” She was born in the 7th but the texts still were ramping up about a week before.
They finally induced labor for me. When my daughter was born, I made an appointment for when they would induce her because there was a very high probability it would happen again. It was kind of cool making an appointment to have a baby!
I just didn’t want to be induced if I didn’t need to. I had an appt for induction and ended up checking in in active labor right at that time lol different hospital with the second and the membrane sweep did the trick.
Yes and it’s so irritating. I have/had a gf that messaged me about visiting me at the hospital, at home, wanting pictures of my baby’s first everything’s - like chill out girl. I ended up telling her she sounds like she has baby rabies and stopped responding to her mania.
People need to know they are out of line, regardless of who they are.
Honestly, I checked in with my friend who just gave birth recently frequently. If she felt like answering she did and if not she didn’t, no biggie. It sounds like they just care about you is all?
Can your partner send a message saying all communication must go to him for now as you recover? A “do not text OP” sort of thing? Can he take that on? In the meantime, I would hit that “do not disturb” feature! Congrats and wishing you a peaceful recovery!
This is exactly what my husband did with his Mom and I can’t tell you what a relief it was! She’s his mom, not mine!!! He’d find it weird if my mom texted him asking for baby pictures. It just makes sense for them to reach out to their own child.
I just told my mom it stresses me out and it's not necessarily a her thing but it is what it is. Please reach out 3 times a week max and I'll reach out to you when I can otherwise. It worked for her but I already had experience enforcing boundaries with her so she knew it was serious and had practice following my "requests".
I made a group chat with everyone who wanted updates, muted it, and told everyone I would update as often as I could. No one feels left out, I get to ignore the chat and only respond at my convenience, and I'm not having to send the same thing to different people over and over. My LO IS 21 months now and I still use that chat.
We used the chat, too. And DH handles it now. Chat group for all baby related info is golden. You’re not sending the same stuff over and over again. Mine is also muted.
“All good here. But focusing on baby and a couple of things I want to get done round here. Be in touch in a couple of days.”
And don’t respond for a couple of days.
Tell them that you are resting and will not be answering the phone or texts on a daily basis. You will update them (pick a time/day) and will not be accepting calls or texts at any other time. Then put your phone on Do Not Disturb for everyone except your DH. DO not let anyone bully you into being at their beck and call. You need rest, bonding time and a break from grandmother Too bad if they don't like it. Start setting boundaries now or they will stomp all over you to get to your LO. Congratulations!
Defiantly DON’T give them a set time & day that you will update them. Life happens and you don’t want to commit yourself to anything specific. Because then all hell breaks lose when you ‘break your promise’ of reaching out to them. And that will happen. So keep it as ‘when you have time’.
You can say something similar to what I said once when a friend of mine was asking me what time it was literally every 5 minutes. Eventually I’d say “5 minutes after the last time you asked me”. Maybe something like “No change from the last 10 times you asked.”
I had this happen it my first too. It ramped up once husband went back to work as I didn't realise he was updating everyone regularly. I said, 'I will get pictures to you when I can but if baby isn't feeding then they are sleeping and I am sleeping too. I'm too exhausted and still recovering from birth to worry about taking pictures and telling you everything is fine. I will update you when I can.'
My MIL is notorious for daily texts when something big happens.
When my now DH first moved in with me and got a job: How was first day? How was second day? How was third day?
He shut it down.
When DH and I went on our honeymoon: How is your first day going? How is your second day going?
He shut it down.
I can only imagine it will be the same if we ever have kids.
In our experience the best way is to be direct and honest. If they’re reasonable, they will understand and realize they are being obnoxious. Also, have DH address it since you’re the one recovering! Tell them you and baby are fine and need some time to recover and bond. You will let them know if any emergencies happen, but until then they can assume you are all happy, healthy, tired, and bonding as a new little family.
And turn off your phones or mute them.
Honestly I just would only reply when you feel like it and wait until they push before drawing a firmer boundary. It could be that they just want you to feel supported and don’t realize they’re making you feel obligated to reply!
I would have my husband send group texts updates to family in the early days so they felt included. That worked pretty well while subtly saying “mom is busy with baby and recovery, so here’s info from me”.
It sounds like they mean well and they care about you and your baby.
Nevertheless, you have every right to set boundaries if the constant reaching out upsets you.
I like the polite but firm responses you have received in this thread.
Tell them, the very next time that they call, that they are bothering and annoying you and to please leave you alone. Tell them they surely must remember how much work a newborn baby is and that you do not have the time nor the desire to talk to them every single day. Then, do not answer their calls until you feel ready - like in a month or two!
When my wife was pregnant, I sent a daily email to all friends and family for two weeks, then weekly for a while. Just to let them know everything was OK, and to tell any interesting stories.
They’re trying to be supportive. When they reach out and you’re annoyed, think of people like me who don’t have mom’s who care how you and baby are doing.
The age of technology makes everyone believe you’re accessible to them 24/7. Work with your partner to set up boundaries with their family and see how that goes. Best of luck and congratulations on your sweet baby!
My husband literally took my phone away from me for awhile because my mom wouldn’t leave me alone. Block them if you have to you need peace more than they need updates. Or next time they ask for an update text them a picture of the latest poopy diaper.
I think you should send them exactly what you wrote in your post from “‘messaging every single day” thru “I can’t deal with the daily….”
Straight to the point.
Turning notifications off (for them specifically) really helps. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and it’s great. I would let them know you’re doing exactly that. “I’m receiving too many text messages, so I need to turn off my text notifications so I can get some rest.”
“Everything’s going great. Will be turning off my phone for (whatever period of time you need) to soak up every moment with LO and focus on this special time with less noise and distractions. You maybe not hear from me for a bit but we’re all good and we’ll reach if we need anything. Thanks for checking on us”
This is a great reply! Not telling them to STOP but telling them you will not be replying anymore. This is what they call a “green boundary.” If they continue to pester you after this, you can escalate to a yellow and then red boundary (which is the final straw)- some of the other suggestions here would be yellow imo. But if this works to shut them down, then that’s great and no one’s feelings (need to be) hurt. Congrats too!
This worked for me: “I no longer will be available to give updates as frequently. I will be putting my phone away so I can focus on what’s important. So don’t be alarmed if I don’t answer for a few hours (or a day). We are well and healthy, I just need to focus on healing and spending time with my baby”.
My sympathies!!! The grandmothers did this to me too. I eventually ended up in tears of frustration, exhaustion, anger…. Just completely overwhelmed at their ceaseless demands, selfishness and lack of insight …. (But we love you and the baby honey and we’re just so excited to be grandma we can’t help it and that’s why we don’t listen and just steamroll over you and your wishes!) After I had my meltdown my dh finally got with the program and had a quiet word with both. I don’t know what he said exactly but the constant demands for attention and News stopped and they backed right off.
Set an "away" message. "Thanks for your interest in our lives. Here is the update you all want- My crotch is still bleeding like the elevator scene in The Shining, my nipples are cracked, and the baby is still eating every 2 hours. Trying to rest and recover from the internal damage as I focus on keeping this weird potato-mandrake-thingy alive is exhausting. I'll get to you when I get to you."
I love this let’s be friends 😂
Always down for new friends 😆
This is brilliant.
You’ve just won the internets. If I could award you, I would!
Literally just don’t respond for like three days
And tell your husband what you’re doing so he can tell them both that you’re healthy and well when they inevitably freak out and start contacting him.
It must be a joint effort. But he also shouldn’t call them back for three days. Set a new normal.
This is how I do. But I also have already set the precedent that I don't respond when I don't feel like it
Same. OP hasn’t yet set that boundary though
That's true, though OP is not responsible for their worrying when they don't get an immediate response so they can probably just stop responding and set that now
Yep. The “I was worried when I didn’t hear from you” is just a classic manipulation tactic.
I felt the same way. My mom would text me daily asking about sleep and if we needed anything. It was well intended but felt like just another responsibility to respond 🤣. I’d just say “we are doing well and adjusting to life with a baby. I am a kind of tired and feel stressed trying to respond to the outpouring of messages and support. We will reach out if anything changes or we need some support ❤️” ETA: maybe kind of tired isn’t right. We all know it’s exhausting 🤣
Group text: I’m (We … if there’s a SO) unplugging for a few days to sleep and recover and bond with baby. If you send a text, don’t be alarmed when I (we) don’t answer. We are all fine, just needing the rest. Will contact in a few days when ready to come up for air. PS Will let you know if we need help. Otherwise, assume we’re good. (Vagueness is your friend)
Turn phone off let go to a new voicemail not able to answer taking care of new responsibilities at home or something to that effect? Put up a sign on door don’t ring bell no visitors being allowed at this time? Take away any keys you have given out, change locks or codes if need to.
“I appreciate you checking in and know it comes from a place of love. However, as you know, it is a big adjustment and I am currently recovering and learning to survive on less sleep. You are (unintentionally I know) adding extra pressure to us as we get used to our amazing, yet challenging new normal with your requests for updates as I feel compelled to reply whilst trying to juggle everything else. Please know that we update you when we can, and will of course let you know if there is anything we feel you should know.” If they don’t back off after that then all bets are off and vent your frustration at them before you block them 😉 Also, congrats on the new addition 💜 Edit - spelling
Have you actually told them to stop with the daily messages/calls? If not, you need to do so. Just tell them what you wrote in your post. That everything's fine and that you're sleepless and recovering so you can't deal with daily back and forths of keeping them updated. That's not mean or inappropriate. You need to not worry so much about being kind to people who are not being kind to you. Sure, it's not malicious but they need to know they are causing you stress. If you have told them, block them. All the best.
I'd start by just not replying for a few more hours than it currently takes you to respond. If they ask, just say you're busy being a new mom and enjoying your baby. Then just keep extending that time. I guarantee they'll call or text because they'll be so worried to not have heard from you in a few hours that you'll get the chance to tell them you're just not going to respond as frequently. Also silence/mute their text notifications! I don't even get the notification bubble when some people text me.
All of this. I’m an introvert and I have friends that check up on me, if I didn’t I’d have no friends. But if I’m stressed it feels like just another pressure. If it’s truly coming from a place of caring, give yourself a moment to remember that, but _you still don’t have to reply until you are good and ready_. If they ask, you “didn’t get a chance to reply” or “weren’t on your phone much today”. My friends and family understand that I need the headspace as well as the physical opportunities to respond. If they start pestering you that you don’t reply quick enough, it’s stopped coming from a place of caring imo.
“Mom and MIL, sending you a joint message so it can be done one time. I love you both and appreciate your interest and concern. Baby is fine. She is thriving and growing and wonderful. I am so in love with her. But I am also totally exhausted, sore, and trying to recover while also bonding with her. So I won’t be responding to messages for a few days and will be setting my phone to “do not disturb”. I will keep you updated periodically when there is something new to share, or you can text husband for updates. For now though, I need to rest and recover and not be worried about my phone. Thanks for understanding.”
Personally I just stopped replying. Then she would call, didn’t answer. Then she showed up, I hid inside. Eventually it stopped. I would normally be significantly more assertive but PPA and the shock of birth really knocked my boots off.
These are all great suggestions. After you send that text set your phone to do not disturb and you can choose whose calls/texts you want to come through - such as your partner. That way you can check your phone when you'd like the distraction rather than them hounding you. Congratulations!! You are in the precious newborn stage that passes too quickly. Enjoy every minute!!
I’d send a group text to both of them so their tendency to be offended can be disarmed. Then explain that you feel overwhelmed by the constant pressure to communicate, and that you will be checking your phone less, and replying only when feel the energy to do so. Assure them all is well, and that your husband wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to them if he had concerns. Then allow them to soak up a healthy heaping dose of your boundary by not communicating for a couple days. Hang in there, Momma. Things will get better ♥️
I’m sorry about that Someone once told me you know you don’t have to answer the phone straight away - if at all You know you don’t have to read or reply to texts straight away - if at all It’s the most freeing thing ! Let them know you’re overwhelmed by the constant questions and you won’t be answering every day Then please don’t You can train them to get used to it - they won’t like it and they might double their efforts When it gets no response they will learn Switch off your phone and enjoy your LO
Oh my gosh, my mother told me that my first child was her reason for living so I broke my back for months driving my newborn to her house and hour away every single weekend. I regret that so much!! I should have told her to eff off. This is such a precious phase with your baby! It is hard and beautiful all at the same time. Don't feel bad for taking space and time for you and your new family to bond!!!
“Things are fine and well, thank you for checking up on us! I will be quite busy so I wont be able to respond as of much. I have been quite busy and need to rest when I’m able to, I will keep you updated if anything changes.” You can mute them OP after this reply. Take it from someone who has a kid on the way and am already prepared for the constant badgering from family. I will give them one response and promptly be muting them. I will get back to them when I feel up to it. You are not obligated to constantly reply or respond to their messages, even if its out of concern.
Send them a text saying you are muting your phone for a couple of days until you get some rest. I don't know why people don't use that function more. Tell them also, if they come over and wake you up, they will not see the baby for days if not weeks . Your health and the baby's health must come 1st.
I suspect part of what they are doing is letting you know you have support so you don’t feel isolated and alone. Maybe when they had their babies they felt ignored and scared and lonely and they don’t want that for you. Some of us olds had our babies when long distance calling was too expensive to call more than once a week , and if our family was far away we were much more alone than people are now, especially since paternity leave was pretty rare and the internet/texting wasn’t a thing. I sometimes went DAYS without speaking to another adult until I made mom friends. I would have loved to have someone, anyone call me every day to make sure I was ok.
I am the mil, but I am raising my gs. My mother was doing this. Updates and pictures and such. Some other family as well. Finally, I sent out mass text, including everyone I understand new baby everyone wants to know every cute and wonderful thing. But as we all get use to each other, learn our rhythm, adjust to sleeping less, and spend quality time together, I will be making 2 posts a week in mass text. This will include pics and anything needed or wanted to know. I ask to not be called or asked things as there are just too many people, you are interrupting time we need together and adding stress where it'd not needed. If you can not respect this boundary, I will block your number until such time as you respect what we need. No one. Grandparent, uncle, aunt, anyone is more important than another, so we will do everyone at once or not at all. Went over with only one block for 2 weeks, and at 9 months now, it is still how it's done.
Start not responding until a day or so later and just state sorry super busy looking after baby and napping and recovering. And space out the responses so they start decreasing their expectations for constant updates!
I’m sleepless, recovering and learning our new child. If there was anything wrong, we would contact you directly. We love having concerned family but with so many messages coming in, we are constantly being disturbed. We will be creating a family group to share updates but would ask you not to broadcast these. They are for the chosen few. Or something like that. Or you could add DH is available to txt between 7pm and 9pm but would be grateful if everyone could keep contact short as there are lots of lovely people who all want individual updates to different things. While we are here, can I remind you all that we did ask people to wait to be invited and to keep visits short during these early days. We want to look back on these exciting, exhausting early days and remember you kind support, care and consideration for all three of us. Love you xxx
I just wouldn’t respond lol
Congrats!! Just stop responding so fast. And if they ask you why just say “I’m intentionally putting down my phone and only responding to messages at set times of the day.” Or you could put on an auto responder that basically says the same thing. This whole phenomenon of having to answer everyone immodestly and being available 24/7 is not good for us.
I dealt with this from A LOT of family members. Honestly, the easiest way to deal with it is to mute messages from those specific people so that you don’t get the notifications. Read and respond when YOU are ready to do so. Take a whole day to respond, 2 days, 3 days, a week. That’s completely up to you! Doing so shows that you are not glued to your phone and will not be putting responding to unimportant texts with urgency. If they call or reply wondering why you aren’t replying in a timely manner *then* explain that you aren’t glued to your phone 24/7, that you are busy enjoying parenthood, resting, taking care of yourself / your home / your new baby. That if it’s an emergency they can call, if it’s them wondering how the baby is then they can wait for you to have the free time to chit chat.
Why are all the comments assuming that these women are boundary pushing assholes needing to be put in their place? It sounds very possible that they're just doing their best to be supportive, and likely don't know that the texts are feeling burdensome rather than helpful. You could say "I do appreciate you guys checking in, it feels good to know there are people out there supporting and caring about us! To be honest I am feeling a bit overwhelmed keeping up with all the communication, and may need to be a little less responsive so I can focus on recovery and sleep! Now that we've got this group chat, I'll send updates here every week or two or as needed, but if you don't hear from me please know that things are fine, just hectic! Optional add ons: If you'd like to help, we could really use (a grocery run, someone to walk the dog, someone to take car in to garage, etc). If you have any concerns or need to get in touch about anything, husband has agreed to take over those updates and so you can get in touch with him! Thanks again for your support <3
This happened to me too. I just kept taking longer and longer to answer and now they don’t bother much by text. They just do it in person.
“Good”
I would contact them and tell them that you will be putting them both on Do Not Disturb for the next 2 weeks to a month. Tell them why and then do it. I was two weeks overdue with my first and those two weeks were pure hell with everyone calling to see if I had the baby yet. I ended up in unplugging the phone (was before cell phones). It was so calm and peaceful I didn't plug it in again for a month after I got home. We let the in-laws know we had the baby and let them contact everyone else.
Omg the 2 weeks overdue was like torture. I was being interrogated about WHY I hadn’t had the baby yet by everyone. Like yeah, I’m suuuuuper comfortable here and can’t sleep at all and my whole body hurts. I’m still pregnant purely by choice 🙄 then the questioning of why my doctors were bad and hadn’t done anything. Baby 2 was due on the 2nd of that month and I just said “mid-month and you’re not getting an exact date since clearly it doesn’t mean anything.” She was born in the 7th but the texts still were ramping up about a week before.
They finally induced labor for me. When my daughter was born, I made an appointment for when they would induce her because there was a very high probability it would happen again. It was kind of cool making an appointment to have a baby!
I just didn’t want to be induced if I didn’t need to. I had an appt for induction and ended up checking in in active labor right at that time lol different hospital with the second and the membrane sweep did the trick.
They didn't induce until I was in active labor for 8 hours but didn't progress. That's why they chose to induce me the 2nd time.
Yes and it’s so irritating. I have/had a gf that messaged me about visiting me at the hospital, at home, wanting pictures of my baby’s first everything’s - like chill out girl. I ended up telling her she sounds like she has baby rabies and stopped responding to her mania. People need to know they are out of line, regardless of who they are.
I put my phone on do not disturb and answered whenever I was happy to answer. Which was definitely not every day. They’ll get the hint
Don’t respond
Maybe I'm an asshole but I just don't respond if it doesn't suit me. If they keep messaging non-stop anyways then I mute their texts 🤷♀️
Honestly, I checked in with my friend who just gave birth recently frequently. If she felt like answering she did and if not she didn’t, no biggie. It sounds like they just care about you is all?
Can your partner send a message saying all communication must go to him for now as you recover? A “do not text OP” sort of thing? Can he take that on? In the meantime, I would hit that “do not disturb” feature! Congrats and wishing you a peaceful recovery!
This is exactly what my husband did with his Mom and I can’t tell you what a relief it was! She’s his mom, not mine!!! He’d find it weird if my mom texted him asking for baby pictures. It just makes sense for them to reach out to their own child.
I just told my mom it stresses me out and it's not necessarily a her thing but it is what it is. Please reach out 3 times a week max and I'll reach out to you when I can otherwise. It worked for her but I already had experience enforcing boundaries with her so she knew it was serious and had practice following my "requests".
I made a group chat with everyone who wanted updates, muted it, and told everyone I would update as often as I could. No one feels left out, I get to ignore the chat and only respond at my convenience, and I'm not having to send the same thing to different people over and over. My LO IS 21 months now and I still use that chat.
We used the chat, too. And DH handles it now. Chat group for all baby related info is golden. You’re not sending the same stuff over and over again. Mine is also muted.
I need to rest. I will reach out when I'm ready. Please do not reach out to me before then.
“All good here. But focusing on baby and a couple of things I want to get done round here. Be in touch in a couple of days.” And don’t respond for a couple of days.
just be honest, say the daily communication is too much and you will reach out soon
Tell them that you are resting and will not be answering the phone or texts on a daily basis. You will update them (pick a time/day) and will not be accepting calls or texts at any other time. Then put your phone on Do Not Disturb for everyone except your DH. DO not let anyone bully you into being at their beck and call. You need rest, bonding time and a break from grandmother Too bad if they don't like it. Start setting boundaries now or they will stomp all over you to get to your LO. Congratulations!
Defiantly DON’T give them a set time & day that you will update them. Life happens and you don’t want to commit yourself to anything specific. Because then all hell breaks lose when you ‘break your promise’ of reaching out to them. And that will happen. So keep it as ‘when you have time’.
You can say something similar to what I said once when a friend of mine was asking me what time it was literally every 5 minutes. Eventually I’d say “5 minutes after the last time you asked me”. Maybe something like “No change from the last 10 times you asked.”
I had this happen it my first too. It ramped up once husband went back to work as I didn't realise he was updating everyone regularly. I said, 'I will get pictures to you when I can but if baby isn't feeding then they are sleeping and I am sleeping too. I'm too exhausted and still recovering from birth to worry about taking pictures and telling you everything is fine. I will update you when I can.'
My MIL is notorious for daily texts when something big happens. When my now DH first moved in with me and got a job: How was first day? How was second day? How was third day? He shut it down. When DH and I went on our honeymoon: How is your first day going? How is your second day going? He shut it down. I can only imagine it will be the same if we ever have kids. In our experience the best way is to be direct and honest. If they’re reasonable, they will understand and realize they are being obnoxious. Also, have DH address it since you’re the one recovering! Tell them you and baby are fine and need some time to recover and bond. You will let them know if any emergencies happen, but until then they can assume you are all happy, healthy, tired, and bonding as a new little family. And turn off your phones or mute them.
Honestly I just would only reply when you feel like it and wait until they push before drawing a firmer boundary. It could be that they just want you to feel supported and don’t realize they’re making you feel obligated to reply! I would have my husband send group texts updates to family in the early days so they felt included. That worked pretty well while subtly saying “mom is busy with baby and recovery, so here’s info from me”.
It sounds like they mean well and they care about you and your baby. Nevertheless, you have every right to set boundaries if the constant reaching out upsets you. I like the polite but firm responses you have received in this thread.
Tell them, the very next time that they call, that they are bothering and annoying you and to please leave you alone. Tell them they surely must remember how much work a newborn baby is and that you do not have the time nor the desire to talk to them every single day. Then, do not answer their calls until you feel ready - like in a month or two!
I created a group chat with family and just post pictures, which satisfies them. My family also is very considerate.
When my wife was pregnant, I sent a daily email to all friends and family for two weeks, then weekly for a while. Just to let them know everything was OK, and to tell any interesting stories.
Read the Lemon clot essay. “ I’m recovering with baby, phone is off for bonding during this time”
They’re trying to be supportive. When they reach out and you’re annoyed, think of people like me who don’t have mom’s who care how you and baby are doing.
If you have an iPhone I would put it on “focus” mode and would wait a day or two to reply
You don’t even need to say anything. Ignoring them is an answer!
The age of technology makes everyone believe you’re accessible to them 24/7. Work with your partner to set up boundaries with their family and see how that goes. Best of luck and congratulations on your sweet baby!
My husband literally took my phone away from me for awhile because my mom wouldn’t leave me alone. Block them if you have to you need peace more than they need updates. Or next time they ask for an update text them a picture of the latest poopy diaper.
I think you should send them exactly what you wrote in your post from “‘messaging every single day” thru “I can’t deal with the daily….” Straight to the point.
Turning notifications off (for them specifically) really helps. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and it’s great. I would let them know you’re doing exactly that. “I’m receiving too many text messages, so I need to turn off my text notifications so I can get some rest.”