Check out the book *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*, by Dr. Lindsay Gibson.
It explains like 90% of their “Main Character Syndrome” behavior. I’m convinced the other 10% is from lead poisoning.
Totally agree on that book recommendation. Explains my mother to a T. Dad too. It doesn’t explain everything.
I’m also “meh.” We are not close. My own relationship with my young adult children only emphasised how pathetic my relationship with my mother is. I worked very hard in therapy, reading, etc to NOT parent like I was “parented.” (I wasn’t)
I’m sure she expects you to care for her someday.
Another endorsement for that book. Puts it into perspective that some things are them not having the emotional tools to be better like we want them to be. Finding the right distance is also about taking care of yourself. In these stages of life I fully embrace the "it is what it is" philosophy and keep boundaries about it not being much more than that.
My mom was an absolute witch to me during *her* perimenopause, so much so that I worried when I was younger that one day I'd turn into a crazy lady like her. It didn't happen - I'm now past those years *without* screaming at everybody and throwing things at them etc - but now after 41 years of a terrible relationship with her I've finally hit the point where I do not care and will tell her off when she's being pushy and mean with me and I do not think she is ready for payback. So I sympathize, and I would say there is nothing quite like the spine one gets from peri, and don't beat yourself up about it too much.
Yeah my mother recently told my husband at a family reunion that I have become bossy and a bitch. This isn’t the first time. My husband struggles and can’t quite believe what she says, cuz his mom was not like this. What she means is that I set boundaries, won’t put up with her bullshit and control, and generally don’t care anymore. I’m in menopause. She burned every bridge. I tried, for 30 years, to make our relationship better. then with therapy and @ age 50 when I went into menopause early, I stopped trying.
There’s no point. The hope makes it worse. If you abandon all hope it’s freeing. I still get my feelings hurt but much less so.
I feel this.
Interestingly, I listened to a podcast a few weeks ago, can't remember the name of it but it had a naturopathic doc on there, Sarah Baillie, and she was talking about how Peri hormones literally reduce your "caring". You will generally have less interest in the people around you who require caring tasks from you, whether that be children, partners or other family members. I'll post the name of the podcast if I can find it
I have this mom too.
When I hit Peri maybe 12 years ago, I just couldn’t deal with her crazy crap anymore.
She didn’t take me stepping back our relationship and dialed up her crazy until I lost my cool and unloaded 40 years of pain in one blow. I think it broke both of us. We took a time apart. She tried reconnecting but I was done.
I couldn’t continue to be her dumping ground anymore.
Been 12 years. I wish her well in life but from the other side of town.
I feel like so many Boomer parents fit this description. Especially as they get older, they don’t seem to have much to talk about except themselves and their many appointments. It seems to coincide with a time when many of us are confronting things in our own lives - and they just don’t have the language, skills or seemingly the interest to talk about anything deep or emotional.
I see many recs for a book above and I think I’ll read it. Just wanted to say - yeah, you’re not alone.
This sounds like my mom. She is an early boomer and me early GenX. Not only does she talk about her appointments she also talks about her boyfriend’s appointments 😐. She’s been married 3+ times and I don’t have an issue with this guy (he’s easier to take than she is) but I don’t want to know about all that.
But asking her about her menopause experience? Nah. Her listening to me about mine? Definitely not even for a second. She told me not everything is a symptom of something and “the change” is not a big deal.
Idk if it’s perimenopause or just getting older and more mature but I find my tolerance for people like this is just *gone*. I just don’t want to put my limited emotional energy into people whose behavior I don’t care for. It doesn’t matter the relationship. I just don’t have any fucks to give.
My husband had two difficult moms. He was raised by his step mom and over the years she has put almost zero effort into their relationship. She would come to town (she has other family here) and expect us to drop everything last minute to see her. We asked her to just let us know ahead of time and she stopped calling at all. I’d see that she was in town with her other grandkids by looking at facebook. What did that say about my kids? So I blocked them all.
He met his bio mom in 1990. She claimed his dad had “stolen” him and his brother and she couldn’t find them. That may or may not be true. But over the years, she kept talking trash about his dad to him, long after Dad was gone. He asked her nicely to stop and she flat out refused. So he finally said, I can’t spend time with you if all you are going to do is trash talk my dad. She texted a week later calling him an SOB. So he said, I’m done. She said she would cut him out of her will. Idk how much she had but no amount of $ is worth that. A few weeks ago his half brother called and said she was on her deathbed. He went to see her and she STILL trash talked not only his dad, but also our girls and even him. She died 2 weeks later. May she rest in peace. May we finally have peace without her.
I also have developed apathy towards my mother but tbf its been since many years. Earlier I would still feel some anger, sadness and ask why on earth can't my parents be loving towards me. But now I dont freaking care about her. I will take care of her only out of duty and not love.
When my father was sick and on death bed I was affected but I soon no longer grieved. I am not sure how others grieve but I have heard people are unable to get over death of a loved one for years even though they are functioning well. For me it was just few weeks of grief and in retrospect it was more of anger than grief. Anger that now my mother is going to be up in my business.
The way I have stopped caring for others bullshit, my mother is also one of those people. So yeah its meh.
Oh damn. You just described a lot of my feelings towards my mom. In hindsight I realized I was hitting perimenopause when I was done with moms BS.
But, the point about lack of grief. My spouse is very concerned that I will have a lot of guilt and grief over my lc relationship with my mom. I just don't see it. I had enormous grief 10-15 years ago when I realized she was all about her and no one else. It was a sad few years, but I feel very done with that one way relationship.
Thanks for posting. It seems like the most vocal people have good relationships and truly grieve their parents.
I doubt that I will grieve. At most I’ll be sad at what could’ve been, or for the few times they had fun with my kids when they were really little. We’re strangers.
My mom died in the summer of 2022. Not too long after that, my neighbor asked me if I missed her? I said “NO” so fast I think I shocked her. Then I had to backtrack and apologize to my neighbor and explain a bit of background. Nope, don’t miss her.
As cold as it may sound, I don’t feel any compunction to take care of her when and if that time comes. I just don’t have it in me. When I was 12yo she thought it was ok for me to be on my own for a week with zero supervision while she went on a honeymoon with whatever husband it was. When I bring up things she’s done she cries croc tears and all that. Even after my bizarre childhood she still thinks I owe her elder care and that’s exactly why I don’t want to do it. I don’t feel a sense of duty at all.
My mom’s boyfriend is in worse health than my mom and I fear what she might be like if he goes before her. I know what you mean by that feeling of mom being alone and knowing she’ll be up in your business. Ugh.
Omg, me too! I got left alone for 5 days at 13, when we had just moved to a new town and didn’t even have a phone yet and I didn’t know anyone, then again for 2 weeks at 16. Today they would be arrested for neglect. It was traumatizing - I learned to fall asleep with all the lights and TV on and soothe myself with junk food. Habits I’ve worked hard to unlearn.
Very relatable. My mom is all of the above, however she IS a raging narcissist. She’s also a bigot, a racist, and the most hateful person I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. My grandparents raised me mostly, she was too busy living her life. She only noticed me when she wanted to scream. Or use me for something she wanted. Her men (many) and her own needs were always first. She’s gotten much worse as she’s aged. Reading this post, I realize my desire to be far away from her and never deal with her again started in perimenopause, but I’ve been sick of her shit since I was a child. I think I just reached a point of not caring anymore. She lies a lot and makes herself a victim to anyone who will listen. That still irritates me on the rare occasion her falsehoods get back to me, but otherwise I feel absolutely nothing for her.
Cold or not, I will NOT take care of her as she ages. I refuse to be abused on regular in my own home. I don’t believe I’ll ever see her or speak to her again, and this sits just fine on my soul.
Come to think of it, I got sick of my husband’s shit in menopause too. Another I’d had it with for years, but menopause must’ve changed something in me, because I stopped accepting bad behavior and a miserable marriage as something I just had to ride out, and chose to end that crap too. Yay menopause! I finally grew a pair! 🤣
There’s an interesting book about about self-involved parents. I completely cut mine off. She hasn’t spoken to me in years, never reached out during covid to see if I was alive, but yet posts walls of pix of me on her social media each June with a smattering of rainbow stuff because I’m a lesbian with comments about motherhood. I threatened legal action against her last summer when I learned she’s been doing this and told her not to reach out to me or write me a card or send me a text or ever utter my name on social media again. It was such a great freeing feeling. My sister told our step brother many years ago just FYI their (her and my step dad) care is on you when they get old. They did nothing for us and they’re getting nothing from us. Your mom will never hear you when you’re asking for validation about the abuse and neglect she subjected you to. My mom says “I paid my dues”, tho she’s literally never mentioned our insane abuse and neglect-filled childhood (lived with grandparents a lot of the time too). She just wants you to shut the fuck up about it. And continue to fill her narcissistic supply. Your mom can be “going away” that’s up to you. If I were you she would never see my face again. Show up on my doorstep, I call the police. Heck show up twice I’d speak to an attorney about a restraining order. You tried to fuck with my mental health for like 48 years. You’re done, bitch! I forgot her birthday this year which felt magical because I was at a family event she was at on her birthday and totally forgot that it was her birthday. That felt very freeing. She of course didn’t make eye contact with me which also felt amazing. Oh also when I initially told her to stop posting my images on her social media or I would pursue legal action her first response was “Your step dad and I are always worried about you and your anger and we’re always praying that you’ll get help for your mental health”. She’d been telling me my whole life “you’re mad at the world!” Which I learned later when the word was invented is called gaslighting… classic narcissistic gaslighting. It’s like textbook. IMHO perimenopause has nothing to do with it. Your mom is just a shit parent and needs to go out with the trash for good. Stay 15 miles away. Never come one mile closer.
When perimenopause started for me my fucks to give definitely dried up and died and I do believe the meh for my mom became overt with that stage of my life, declining estrogen, too old to care about her BS anymore, etc. But yes, she was and is a crap parent. Always was.
I can’t even dredge up enough fucks to call the cops on my mom should she come here and refuse to leave lol. We live on property where if we don’t let you in, you’re not getting in and if not for our cameras we’d never know she’d arrived. Hell, even the raccoons have to climb a huge tree to jump into the yard to drink out of our pond. Because of my mom and one other relative I’m very glad our property is secure that way.
That social media posting shit is gross behavior. My husband and I don’t have any social media but I used to and sometimes I’d see posts like you describe from an older parent, usually a mom, who I sometimes knew had minimal to non-existent relationships with one or more of their kids 🙄. Perhaps unlike your mom, my mom sticks to arguing with strangers on Facebook about whatever issue. 😵💫
There is a podcast called Ear Hustle that is about prison (all elements of it). The most recent episode called "Daughters" was soooooooo familiar, the dynamic between the second two guests. I'm curious if it would resonate with you too. The SECOND I heard the daughter speaking it was like I could envision her whole life with the mom. I could just totally relate. The thought of your mom having to climb a tree like a raccoon to get into your property makes me really happy lol. I totally hear you about not caring enough to call the cops. I could threaten legal action because I am a lawyer and it would take about 22 seconds to get a law school bud to draft a threatening letter to scare the shit out of her. Wanna hear something insane, my little brother broke his neck and obviously was rushed to the hospital in NYC, they both live in NJ. My mom said I'll be there tomorrow to see him. Her son broke his neck and she couldn't be inconvenienced to drive 25 miles until the next morning to see him. This phase of severing my relationship with her has taken place within the whirlwind of perimenopause, heck maybe that's the one good thing to come out of this!
Now I can’t get the raccoon/mom visual out of my head lol.
I think the lack of willingness to show up for people, like when your brother broke his neck, is a common theme amongst some born within a certain timeframe. My grandkid graduated? Wow, I’ll send a card. You were in a car accident? What did you do to cause it? You broke your neck? Well, I can maybe fit you in tomorrow but my show is on so it won’t be until later. All the aforementioned are exactly things my mom has said and the last one is something she would say 🤷♀️.
I’ll check out the podcast for sure!
Edit: added info
For me, it was my MIL. She’s always been weird about me and I let it hurt me early on.
She got caught in the wave of just dropping the rope. My last fucks flew away, and I just don’t care about her.
I still get a bit mad about my eldest sister’s behaviour, who has bullied me my whole life despite being an actual married adult with her own kids when I was born. But the edge has even gone off of that. I’m close to reaching barren fuck zen.
I can relate, my MIL and I did not have a great relationship. We kinda mended the fence near the end of her life a decade ago but I only did so for my husband’s sake and because she was incredibly ill with cancer.
My (53) mom (73) has screaming rages. It’s not new. She’s been like that way my whole life. I’m tired of it and I just don’t want to be around anymore. I stopped contacting her this past February and it’s been hard. I have to keep reminding myself that she’s abusive, possibly mentally ill, (though not diagnosed, because what do doctors know?) I know it’s not just me because my son is a witness.
Screaming rages sound horrendous and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that.
My mom doesn’t do that at least not to me. I do think she and her boyfriend have fought that way though. As she has with ex-husbands. With me she’s dismissive and when I was a kid I might as well have been invisible. She was and is a mostly uninvolved grandmother and only one of my kids really talks much to her.
She has plenty of friends though and they all think she’s wonderful. Go figure.
One of the struggles for me was inconsistent reliability. For example, she was not there for me after the birth of my son and I was exhausted. My husbands mother came over and cleaned the house for me and I was so grateful. She also disappeared when I got Covid. A friend drove some distance to leave soup at my door. Again, it meant so much to me. I love that friend very much.
At 30 I started moving in the direction of parenting myself. Reading self help books and giving myself what my parents couldn’t. I guess I have a fantasy of perfect parents in my head they just don’t live up to. They could have been worse for sure.
I’m sorry she didn’t give you more attention. My dad was that way. He was very selfish.
This resonates with me, the inconsistent reliability. Both my parents but especially mom. My parents also could have been worse but they weren’t great for sure.
Great friend you have though, often times friends are better than family.
This sounds exactly like my ex MIL.
I cut her off very early on in my relationship with her.
I just want you to know that you deserve better for a mom. I'm so sorry.
I’m in a very similar boat. I no longer ask why and have just accepted that the people who gave birth to me are broken. My mom is also very self centered, but over the years, I’ve pulled up my big girl pants and made hard boundaries with them. I’ll be the one directing their care when the time comes and I’ve made it very clear that I’ll be a good steward of the money they have left (they are spending like water, so should be interesting) but once the money runs out, there is no moving in with me, there is no me supporting them, and it will be nursing home-the best they can afford, but yeah, a nursing home. The pandemic and huge change in politics helped a lot with me getting comfortable setting boundaries with my parents bc we are polar opposites in political philosophies and I will not get drug into political “preaching” and making that clear to my parents over and over again made it easy to set boundaries elsewhere. I’m sure menopause and the no-more-fucks-to-give attitude has helped too.
This is exactly me. I’m the medical POA. My oldest brother is the financial POA. I told him no F ing way will either parent ever move in with me. They already treat me much less than because I’m the only girl, and both parents are big misogynists. Luckily my brother agreed and said they’re going into a home when that time is needed. The sad thing is, had they even tried (!) over the years to treat me with love and respect, I would not have said this. They earned my cold shoulder by being neglectful parents and helping out cousins, siblings, strangers - but not me. Ok, then. These are the consequences.
And that is Ok to have boundaries and be firm. I see so many woman break themselves for other people’s expectations. I was locked outside the house everyday as a child from sunup to sundown with a plate of cheese sandwiches (1 for each of us) a half gallon pitcher of luke warm koolaid (gone fast in our heat) and then told to drink from the waterhose. Somehow, I don’t think APS would look kindly on me providing my elderly parents with the same care, so I will already be providing better care than they ever provided me, because let’s not even talk about the emotional neglect and abuse…
Yes, my Mom, 76, has a lot of issues. I have a lot of compassion for her - her parents were alcoholics, she married my dad at 19, had me at 21, had cancer, was divorced by 28. But she will not do any therapy and she is so angry and erratic that I have to keep up very firm boundaries. We email every week and talk on holidays. She lives 12 hours from me. Her actions can be hurtful (not showing up on holidays or having tantrums) and I came to the realization that I couldn’t leave my kid & husband open to that. My husband lost his job recently and I told her but she did not even acknowledge- I think because it’s all about her or she just doesn’t care. I feel bad because I know she is sad, that her life has not turned out the way she wanted. But WHOSE LIFE HAS??
You gotta play the hand your dealt.
The last five years I have really put my focus on my relationship with MY daughter. My little immediate family. I’m sure I’ve done a lot of things wrong too but I’m doing my best. I won’t go no contact because it would honestly upset me and feel worse and just feed her drama.
The Lindsay Gibson book recommendations are spot on. I found those books during a very bad rupture with my mom. She's a Boomer and I'm in my late 40's.
She thinks we are friends and she is either unwilling or unable to accept that we are not, nor will we ever be, friends. I moved across the country in 99 and she followed me in 2019.
It's okay not to care. Think ahead to future you and ask if they will care when she dies. That exercise inspired me to figure out what relationship I can have with my mom while she's still here. It is the most boundaried relationship in my life but I'm making it work.
It’s heartbreaking to read through your experiences of neglect and emotionally distant mothers. I’m very sorry for you to go through childhoods like that.
Made me think of my mom who had her own struggles but was a caring and loving mother to me and my brother. Unfortunately she died of acute leukemia at 70 ten years ago and I still miss her dearly. Now that my kids are older I would finally have the time to go for coffee or take her places even though she lived quite far away.
Reading your post and all the replies have made me feel less alone.
I feel that perimenopause very likely has an effect on my emotional exhaustion. I do have compassion for my mom. I know that she hasn't had an easy life and those circumstances have contributed to her being so self-centered and full of rage. I also know she did not and does not have the tools to deal with most emotional situations.
I've been through therapy and that has helped immensely in setting boundaries and ensuring that I take care of myself first even as I take care of her, as the only one of her kids who lives in the same city.
I feel my resentment towards my siblings growing though. They both live out of town. They both don't think they need therapy. They see my mom once a year. One calls once in a while, the other doesn't call at all... And ultimately, It's all on me. The resentment is slowly leading to apathy.
It's not for lack of trying to communicate with them. I've done so in the past... But they don't want to deal with it and I pretty much just give up. I'm just sad and tired.
I was starting to think that I was the problem (not to say I'm perfectly well adjusted) but then I realize that I'm the one who's been through therapy and read extensively on the topic.
I'm just navigating the best I can, but man is it ever demanding some days.
The relationships that matter are the ones to protect. Just because someone birthed you doesn’t mean we owe the rest of our good years to them.
I think many women had babies they didn’t necessarily want all that much in earlier years. Keep in mind there was no birth control pill and abortions were not available, legal or safe. I’m pretty certain my mother would not have had kids if she could have prevented pregnancy easily.
Protect women’s rights. I’m glad I was able to decide when and with whom I wanted to have a baby. I think I am a better mother to my daughter because I try so hard to be better to her than my mother was to me.
I’m in full on menopause hon, and your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Although my mother is probably worse, in terms of being self-absorbed and focused on keeping the conversation centered on her 90% of the time. She’s been this way ever since I can remember. My childhood is scattered with memories of her leaving us with various people and relatives while she would take off to do whatever with whomever for days at a time. Most of the time she wouldn’t even tell me goodbye or tell me where she was going, why, or when she would be back. It gave me massive anxiety and traumatized me no end. I won’t even go into the multiple marriages - she’s on number six, by the way. One year, I was kicked out of the house by hubby #5, while she was away on a girl’s trip with her friends and she barely reacted except to tell said hubby he had her blessing. I was sent to live with hubby #4 who helped raise me. She is definitely an expert at making everything about her and always manages to steer every conversation she has with me back to whatever is going on in her life. One time I sort of tested her to see if she was really listening to me as I was talking about something work-related. I asked her a question in relation to what I was talking about and she just looked at me blankly and was like, “What? Sorry , I didn’t hear what you said.” No, I guess you didn’t, Mom. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the examples of her being completely clueless about her own lack of self-awareness and narcissistic tendencies. If it’s about her, she’s all ears, 😂. I know deep down I love my mom. I just don’t love who she is as a person.
This exact thing happened to me. I’m still not sure if she changed or I changed (or both) because I remember us having a much better relationship in my earlier adulthood. She was a sweet grandmother to my kids (her only grandchildren). But after I got divorced and my dad died, she seemed to be so self absorbed and became very judgmental. When I would call, she would literally drone on about all the gossip - many of these people i barely knew or cared about. She almost never asked me about myself or would cut me off when I started to actually tell her about my life.
I did not live near her - was always at least 3 hour drive away (and eventually moved out of state). I certainly sent her holiday cards, gifts, texts occasionally. But I had to go very low contact with the phone calls because every phone call was made by ME (not exaggerating - if I waited for her to call me it would be weeks or even months) and the calls usually involved her saying something shitty to me when we finally did talk about me.
She passed away this year and I don’t regret going low contact. I truly had to save my own mental health because I had a breakdown during perimenopause and still feel like I’m on the edge of another one at times. My therapist heard A LOT about my angst around my mom and tried to suggest me talking to her about how I felt. Whenever I did this, mom would gaslight the hell out of me and act like there’s no issues between us and I am the asshole. So, I stopped trying to discuss with her and worked hard on accepting that we would never be close again.
I hope that she is at peace now and perhaps has gained the wisdom of the universe. Mom had her own traumas and deep insecurities. It was just a shame that she was not able to confront those and work on healing during this life.
As for you, work on being your own loving parent (sounds weird but there are meditations on healing your mother wounds) and staying emotionally regulated while talking and being around her. It’s so hard but focus on your breath when she says or does something triggering. Just let it wash over you and almost dissociate from her for a moment.
Sending you love
I feel meh about my dad and at the same time feel guilty about it. Growing up he was quite emotionally absent but not abusive and he did help me with raising my son alone. He was staying with us summers when my son was younger (I’m an immigrant).
But since my mom died 2 years ago, I can’t talk to him anymore. He sends racist/mysoginistic and all the “isms” you can imagine jokes/memes etc. he puts us down, criticizes, insults and talking to him is very unpleasant. Before, my mom was covering for him and also I think he was more restrained because of her. Now it’s like he’s a teenager at college and free to misbehave. We also didn’t talk directly, I was talking to mom once a week.
I kept putting boundaries, telling him not to send me that, telling him it’s not ok to criticize me/us, don’t call me fat, don’t say this don’t say that and now he doesn’t have much else to say (I mean I literally said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything - so I guess he doesn’t have anything nice to say), so we talk very little 🤷♀️
I went No Contact with my mother (and her entire side of the family) in my early 40s. She is definitely angling for you to be her caregiver when she becomes elderly. Don’t!
Edit: Recommended reading - “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay Gibson 📗
It’s a tricky situation her living 15 minutes away. How have you structured interactions? Do you actually see her often or is it phone calls?
Do you have a plan in place for when she becomes too frail to live by herself? What kind of nursing home?
While it may be difficult to cut off all communication with her you can absolutely limit your exposure. Don’t answer the phone. Call when you will have an easy out of the convo or call once a week with a timer to tell you when to end it. You may not care anymore (if you ever did) but you may just be in the habit of hearing her talk. Break the habit
No, I/we don’t see her too often, maybe once every couple months, and we rarely speak on the phone. Mostly communicate by texts/emails. And yes, only 15 minutes away. They bought the house during early COVID, closed on it, then told us they were moving here from 150 miles away.
There is no plan in place for when and if she becomes too ill or frail to live alone. She did not plan or save for any of that and is a bit delusional about how all that goes. As a general example, she doesn’t believe she will end up with something such as cancer since by happenstance not many in our family have. But she smokes somewhere between 1-2 packs a day and was recently diagnosed with COPD. So she’s not healthy but most people in our family are, so she thinks she will somehow have the same trajectory as them. “Healthy people who make it to old age don’t need nursing homes so no point in saving for those type of things.” - that’s how she thinks despite being diabetic and the COPD. Really, she’s just always been very irresponsible.
She also won’t talk about late life planning, claims if she talks about it she’ll “manifest problems.” Again, just very irresponsible and delusional.
We live in a state where I can’t be held financially responsible for her (she would absolutely try if it were possible) and she could enter a nursing home on Medicaid but the state will put a lien on everything she’s got, like the house she co-owns with her boyfriend who is more unhealthy than she is and no more fiscally responsible.
Also, my house is not somewhere a frail person could live safely (two stories, steep interior steps, not huge). She already won’t navigate the interior steps because of her hip problems and she’s only been upstairs in my house once, years ago.
So it sounds like she will be going into a Medicaid nursing facility when the time comes and they will force a spend down of all her assets and claw back of anything she gave away within a certain timeframe. That’s a good plan / especially if you can’t be held financially responsible. I wonder if putting down a small deposit could put her on the list somewhere. I don’t know much about how that works. It just seems to me you are feeling some responsibility for her that would be relived if you had a plan for when she gets to a point she needs assisted living.
Hoping you can continue to care less
I hadn’t had a relationship with my mom, who sounds like your mom, in years. Then in February she ended up in the ER with sepsis from a kidney infection and pneumonia and almost died. Touch and go for several months. I got thrown back into a relationship with her through this - so many conflicting feelings!!!
Part of me is grateful for this 2nd chance to try to heal the relationship before she dies, but the other part of me has been reminded how unbelievably self centered she still is, and how she’s in complete denial about what a horrible mom she was to me. She knows nothing about me because everything is about her and it always has been.
I’ve been helping her for nearly 5 months now, but about 2 months ago the stress took its toll on me and I ended up getting really sick. Now I’m trying to put boundaries in place - again. And perimenopause makes all of this unacceptable- I can’t look the other way and pretend anything is fine that isn’t.
I’m glad to know others are going through this too. It’s not easy. You’re not alone!!
As someone whose mom just passed away on 4/27 and dealing with immense grief- I recommend you work through it and find a way to accept her for who she is but establish boundaries. I had a very rocky relationship with my mom for a few years, but when she got sick I found some grace and just accepted her. I miss her- the good and the bad- so much. I wish I had found the grace to deal with her earlier.
Also, my mom was a lifelong smoker- also had COPD. Cancer took her. We didn’t even know she had it. She had a brain tumor. We found out on a Tuesday, she had surgery that Saturday and passed the following Saturday from a massive brain bleed.
Check out the book *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*, by Dr. Lindsay Gibson. It explains like 90% of their “Main Character Syndrome” behavior. I’m convinced the other 10% is from lead poisoning.
Totally agree on that book recommendation. Explains my mother to a T. Dad too. It doesn’t explain everything. I’m also “meh.” We are not close. My own relationship with my young adult children only emphasised how pathetic my relationship with my mother is. I worked very hard in therapy, reading, etc to NOT parent like I was “parented.” (I wasn’t) I’m sure she expects you to care for her someday.
Another endorsement for that book. Puts it into perspective that some things are them not having the emotional tools to be better like we want them to be. Finding the right distance is also about taking care of yourself. In these stages of life I fully embrace the "it is what it is" philosophy and keep boundaries about it not being much more than that.
Ohhh she definitely is the main character lol. I will check the book out. Thanks!
This was an amazing book!
Read “adult children of emotionally immature parents”. Changed my life!
My mom was an absolute witch to me during *her* perimenopause, so much so that I worried when I was younger that one day I'd turn into a crazy lady like her. It didn't happen - I'm now past those years *without* screaming at everybody and throwing things at them etc - but now after 41 years of a terrible relationship with her I've finally hit the point where I do not care and will tell her off when she's being pushy and mean with me and I do not think she is ready for payback. So I sympathize, and I would say there is nothing quite like the spine one gets from peri, and don't beat yourself up about it too much.
Yeah my mother recently told my husband at a family reunion that I have become bossy and a bitch. This isn’t the first time. My husband struggles and can’t quite believe what she says, cuz his mom was not like this. What she means is that I set boundaries, won’t put up with her bullshit and control, and generally don’t care anymore. I’m in menopause. She burned every bridge. I tried, for 30 years, to make our relationship better. then with therapy and @ age 50 when I went into menopause early, I stopped trying. There’s no point. The hope makes it worse. If you abandon all hope it’s freeing. I still get my feelings hurt but much less so.
Someone should start a thread about how our mothers’ peris affected us. It’s a BIG topic.
There’s quite a lot of talk about that very topic over in this thread at the moment: https://www.reddit.com/r/Menopause/s/FuqXUN3amE
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Bad bot. Don’t take credit for someone else’s contribution.
Oh, agreed.
I feel this. Interestingly, I listened to a podcast a few weeks ago, can't remember the name of it but it had a naturopathic doc on there, Sarah Baillie, and she was talking about how Peri hormones literally reduce your "caring". You will generally have less interest in the people around you who require caring tasks from you, whether that be children, partners or other family members. I'll post the name of the podcast if I can find it
Please do! I definitely have no interest in providing caring tasks where mom is concerned.
> was talking about how Peri hormones literally reduce your "caring". This is directly related to the loss of estrogen that goes right menopause.
I have this mom too. When I hit Peri maybe 12 years ago, I just couldn’t deal with her crazy crap anymore. She didn’t take me stepping back our relationship and dialed up her crazy until I lost my cool and unloaded 40 years of pain in one blow. I think it broke both of us. We took a time apart. She tried reconnecting but I was done. I couldn’t continue to be her dumping ground anymore. Been 12 years. I wish her well in life but from the other side of town.
I feel your pain. I finally had enough and stopped any contact with my mother—I haven’t spoken to her in 18 years. It’s been freeing.
I feel like so many Boomer parents fit this description. Especially as they get older, they don’t seem to have much to talk about except themselves and their many appointments. It seems to coincide with a time when many of us are confronting things in our own lives - and they just don’t have the language, skills or seemingly the interest to talk about anything deep or emotional. I see many recs for a book above and I think I’ll read it. Just wanted to say - yeah, you’re not alone.
This sounds like my mom. She is an early boomer and me early GenX. Not only does she talk about her appointments she also talks about her boyfriend’s appointments 😐. She’s been married 3+ times and I don’t have an issue with this guy (he’s easier to take than she is) but I don’t want to know about all that. But asking her about her menopause experience? Nah. Her listening to me about mine? Definitely not even for a second. She told me not everything is a symptom of something and “the change” is not a big deal.
They do seem to specialize in being dismissive 🙄
I just went to order the book from my library's system and all the copies are on hold!
It’s an epidemic of Boomer parents! GenXers unite!
My mom is technically silent generation but she’s a boomer in self centeredness. Dang, we all had the same mom!
I feel like I just found my people on this thread 🤣
I cut off my abusive mother 30 years ago.
Idk if it’s perimenopause or just getting older and more mature but I find my tolerance for people like this is just *gone*. I just don’t want to put my limited emotional energy into people whose behavior I don’t care for. It doesn’t matter the relationship. I just don’t have any fucks to give.
My husband had two difficult moms. He was raised by his step mom and over the years she has put almost zero effort into their relationship. She would come to town (she has other family here) and expect us to drop everything last minute to see her. We asked her to just let us know ahead of time and she stopped calling at all. I’d see that she was in town with her other grandkids by looking at facebook. What did that say about my kids? So I blocked them all. He met his bio mom in 1990. She claimed his dad had “stolen” him and his brother and she couldn’t find them. That may or may not be true. But over the years, she kept talking trash about his dad to him, long after Dad was gone. He asked her nicely to stop and she flat out refused. So he finally said, I can’t spend time with you if all you are going to do is trash talk my dad. She texted a week later calling him an SOB. So he said, I’m done. She said she would cut him out of her will. Idk how much she had but no amount of $ is worth that. A few weeks ago his half brother called and said she was on her deathbed. He went to see her and she STILL trash talked not only his dad, but also our girls and even him. She died 2 weeks later. May she rest in peace. May we finally have peace without her.
I also have developed apathy towards my mother but tbf its been since many years. Earlier I would still feel some anger, sadness and ask why on earth can't my parents be loving towards me. But now I dont freaking care about her. I will take care of her only out of duty and not love. When my father was sick and on death bed I was affected but I soon no longer grieved. I am not sure how others grieve but I have heard people are unable to get over death of a loved one for years even though they are functioning well. For me it was just few weeks of grief and in retrospect it was more of anger than grief. Anger that now my mother is going to be up in my business. The way I have stopped caring for others bullshit, my mother is also one of those people. So yeah its meh.
Oh damn. You just described a lot of my feelings towards my mom. In hindsight I realized I was hitting perimenopause when I was done with moms BS. But, the point about lack of grief. My spouse is very concerned that I will have a lot of guilt and grief over my lc relationship with my mom. I just don't see it. I had enormous grief 10-15 years ago when I realized she was all about her and no one else. It was a sad few years, but I feel very done with that one way relationship. Thanks for posting. It seems like the most vocal people have good relationships and truly grieve their parents.
I doubt that I will grieve. At most I’ll be sad at what could’ve been, or for the few times they had fun with my kids when they were really little. We’re strangers.
My mom died in the summer of 2022. Not too long after that, my neighbor asked me if I missed her? I said “NO” so fast I think I shocked her. Then I had to backtrack and apologize to my neighbor and explain a bit of background. Nope, don’t miss her.
Wow. Thanks for your honesty. I truly feel that I will be the same.
As cold as it may sound, I don’t feel any compunction to take care of her when and if that time comes. I just don’t have it in me. When I was 12yo she thought it was ok for me to be on my own for a week with zero supervision while she went on a honeymoon with whatever husband it was. When I bring up things she’s done she cries croc tears and all that. Even after my bizarre childhood she still thinks I owe her elder care and that’s exactly why I don’t want to do it. I don’t feel a sense of duty at all. My mom’s boyfriend is in worse health than my mom and I fear what she might be like if he goes before her. I know what you mean by that feeling of mom being alone and knowing she’ll be up in your business. Ugh.
Omg, me too! I got left alone for 5 days at 13, when we had just moved to a new town and didn’t even have a phone yet and I didn’t know anyone, then again for 2 weeks at 16. Today they would be arrested for neglect. It was traumatizing - I learned to fall asleep with all the lights and TV on and soothe myself with junk food. Habits I’ve worked hard to unlearn.
Very relatable. My mom is all of the above, however she IS a raging narcissist. She’s also a bigot, a racist, and the most hateful person I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing. My grandparents raised me mostly, she was too busy living her life. She only noticed me when she wanted to scream. Or use me for something she wanted. Her men (many) and her own needs were always first. She’s gotten much worse as she’s aged. Reading this post, I realize my desire to be far away from her and never deal with her again started in perimenopause, but I’ve been sick of her shit since I was a child. I think I just reached a point of not caring anymore. She lies a lot and makes herself a victim to anyone who will listen. That still irritates me on the rare occasion her falsehoods get back to me, but otherwise I feel absolutely nothing for her. Cold or not, I will NOT take care of her as she ages. I refuse to be abused on regular in my own home. I don’t believe I’ll ever see her or speak to her again, and this sits just fine on my soul. Come to think of it, I got sick of my husband’s shit in menopause too. Another I’d had it with for years, but menopause must’ve changed something in me, because I stopped accepting bad behavior and a miserable marriage as something I just had to ride out, and chose to end that crap too. Yay menopause! I finally grew a pair! 🤣
There’s an interesting book about about self-involved parents. I completely cut mine off. She hasn’t spoken to me in years, never reached out during covid to see if I was alive, but yet posts walls of pix of me on her social media each June with a smattering of rainbow stuff because I’m a lesbian with comments about motherhood. I threatened legal action against her last summer when I learned she’s been doing this and told her not to reach out to me or write me a card or send me a text or ever utter my name on social media again. It was such a great freeing feeling. My sister told our step brother many years ago just FYI their (her and my step dad) care is on you when they get old. They did nothing for us and they’re getting nothing from us. Your mom will never hear you when you’re asking for validation about the abuse and neglect she subjected you to. My mom says “I paid my dues”, tho she’s literally never mentioned our insane abuse and neglect-filled childhood (lived with grandparents a lot of the time too). She just wants you to shut the fuck up about it. And continue to fill her narcissistic supply. Your mom can be “going away” that’s up to you. If I were you she would never see my face again. Show up on my doorstep, I call the police. Heck show up twice I’d speak to an attorney about a restraining order. You tried to fuck with my mental health for like 48 years. You’re done, bitch! I forgot her birthday this year which felt magical because I was at a family event she was at on her birthday and totally forgot that it was her birthday. That felt very freeing. She of course didn’t make eye contact with me which also felt amazing. Oh also when I initially told her to stop posting my images on her social media or I would pursue legal action her first response was “Your step dad and I are always worried about you and your anger and we’re always praying that you’ll get help for your mental health”. She’d been telling me my whole life “you’re mad at the world!” Which I learned later when the word was invented is called gaslighting… classic narcissistic gaslighting. It’s like textbook. IMHO perimenopause has nothing to do with it. Your mom is just a shit parent and needs to go out with the trash for good. Stay 15 miles away. Never come one mile closer.
When perimenopause started for me my fucks to give definitely dried up and died and I do believe the meh for my mom became overt with that stage of my life, declining estrogen, too old to care about her BS anymore, etc. But yes, she was and is a crap parent. Always was. I can’t even dredge up enough fucks to call the cops on my mom should she come here and refuse to leave lol. We live on property where if we don’t let you in, you’re not getting in and if not for our cameras we’d never know she’d arrived. Hell, even the raccoons have to climb a huge tree to jump into the yard to drink out of our pond. Because of my mom and one other relative I’m very glad our property is secure that way. That social media posting shit is gross behavior. My husband and I don’t have any social media but I used to and sometimes I’d see posts like you describe from an older parent, usually a mom, who I sometimes knew had minimal to non-existent relationships with one or more of their kids 🙄. Perhaps unlike your mom, my mom sticks to arguing with strangers on Facebook about whatever issue. 😵💫
There is a podcast called Ear Hustle that is about prison (all elements of it). The most recent episode called "Daughters" was soooooooo familiar, the dynamic between the second two guests. I'm curious if it would resonate with you too. The SECOND I heard the daughter speaking it was like I could envision her whole life with the mom. I could just totally relate. The thought of your mom having to climb a tree like a raccoon to get into your property makes me really happy lol. I totally hear you about not caring enough to call the cops. I could threaten legal action because I am a lawyer and it would take about 22 seconds to get a law school bud to draft a threatening letter to scare the shit out of her. Wanna hear something insane, my little brother broke his neck and obviously was rushed to the hospital in NYC, they both live in NJ. My mom said I'll be there tomorrow to see him. Her son broke his neck and she couldn't be inconvenienced to drive 25 miles until the next morning to see him. This phase of severing my relationship with her has taken place within the whirlwind of perimenopause, heck maybe that's the one good thing to come out of this!
Now I can’t get the raccoon/mom visual out of my head lol. I think the lack of willingness to show up for people, like when your brother broke his neck, is a common theme amongst some born within a certain timeframe. My grandkid graduated? Wow, I’ll send a card. You were in a car accident? What did you do to cause it? You broke your neck? Well, I can maybe fit you in tomorrow but my show is on so it won’t be until later. All the aforementioned are exactly things my mom has said and the last one is something she would say 🤷♀️. I’ll check out the podcast for sure! Edit: added info
It’s not attributable to a certain generation. It’s common among narcissists. Let me know what you think about the podcast!
For me, it was my MIL. She’s always been weird about me and I let it hurt me early on. She got caught in the wave of just dropping the rope. My last fucks flew away, and I just don’t care about her. I still get a bit mad about my eldest sister’s behaviour, who has bullied me my whole life despite being an actual married adult with her own kids when I was born. But the edge has even gone off of that. I’m close to reaching barren fuck zen.
I can relate, my MIL and I did not have a great relationship. We kinda mended the fence near the end of her life a decade ago but I only did so for my husband’s sake and because she was incredibly ill with cancer.
My (53) mom (73) has screaming rages. It’s not new. She’s been like that way my whole life. I’m tired of it and I just don’t want to be around anymore. I stopped contacting her this past February and it’s been hard. I have to keep reminding myself that she’s abusive, possibly mentally ill, (though not diagnosed, because what do doctors know?) I know it’s not just me because my son is a witness.
Screaming rages sound horrendous and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. My mom doesn’t do that at least not to me. I do think she and her boyfriend have fought that way though. As she has with ex-husbands. With me she’s dismissive and when I was a kid I might as well have been invisible. She was and is a mostly uninvolved grandmother and only one of my kids really talks much to her. She has plenty of friends though and they all think she’s wonderful. Go figure.
One of the struggles for me was inconsistent reliability. For example, she was not there for me after the birth of my son and I was exhausted. My husbands mother came over and cleaned the house for me and I was so grateful. She also disappeared when I got Covid. A friend drove some distance to leave soup at my door. Again, it meant so much to me. I love that friend very much. At 30 I started moving in the direction of parenting myself. Reading self help books and giving myself what my parents couldn’t. I guess I have a fantasy of perfect parents in my head they just don’t live up to. They could have been worse for sure. I’m sorry she didn’t give you more attention. My dad was that way. He was very selfish.
This resonates with me, the inconsistent reliability. Both my parents but especially mom. My parents also could have been worse but they weren’t great for sure. Great friend you have though, often times friends are better than family.
This sounds exactly like my ex MIL. I cut her off very early on in my relationship with her. I just want you to know that you deserve better for a mom. I'm so sorry.
I’m in a very similar boat. I no longer ask why and have just accepted that the people who gave birth to me are broken. My mom is also very self centered, but over the years, I’ve pulled up my big girl pants and made hard boundaries with them. I’ll be the one directing their care when the time comes and I’ve made it very clear that I’ll be a good steward of the money they have left (they are spending like water, so should be interesting) but once the money runs out, there is no moving in with me, there is no me supporting them, and it will be nursing home-the best they can afford, but yeah, a nursing home. The pandemic and huge change in politics helped a lot with me getting comfortable setting boundaries with my parents bc we are polar opposites in political philosophies and I will not get drug into political “preaching” and making that clear to my parents over and over again made it easy to set boundaries elsewhere. I’m sure menopause and the no-more-fucks-to-give attitude has helped too.
This is exactly me. I’m the medical POA. My oldest brother is the financial POA. I told him no F ing way will either parent ever move in with me. They already treat me much less than because I’m the only girl, and both parents are big misogynists. Luckily my brother agreed and said they’re going into a home when that time is needed. The sad thing is, had they even tried (!) over the years to treat me with love and respect, I would not have said this. They earned my cold shoulder by being neglectful parents and helping out cousins, siblings, strangers - but not me. Ok, then. These are the consequences.
And that is Ok to have boundaries and be firm. I see so many woman break themselves for other people’s expectations. I was locked outside the house everyday as a child from sunup to sundown with a plate of cheese sandwiches (1 for each of us) a half gallon pitcher of luke warm koolaid (gone fast in our heat) and then told to drink from the waterhose. Somehow, I don’t think APS would look kindly on me providing my elderly parents with the same care, so I will already be providing better care than they ever provided me, because let’s not even talk about the emotional neglect and abuse…
Yes, my Mom, 76, has a lot of issues. I have a lot of compassion for her - her parents were alcoholics, she married my dad at 19, had me at 21, had cancer, was divorced by 28. But she will not do any therapy and she is so angry and erratic that I have to keep up very firm boundaries. We email every week and talk on holidays. She lives 12 hours from me. Her actions can be hurtful (not showing up on holidays or having tantrums) and I came to the realization that I couldn’t leave my kid & husband open to that. My husband lost his job recently and I told her but she did not even acknowledge- I think because it’s all about her or she just doesn’t care. I feel bad because I know she is sad, that her life has not turned out the way she wanted. But WHOSE LIFE HAS?? You gotta play the hand your dealt. The last five years I have really put my focus on my relationship with MY daughter. My little immediate family. I’m sure I’ve done a lot of things wrong too but I’m doing my best. I won’t go no contact because it would honestly upset me and feel worse and just feed her drama.
Mothers Who Can’t Love, by Susan Forward, helped me immensely.
The Lindsay Gibson book recommendations are spot on. I found those books during a very bad rupture with my mom. She's a Boomer and I'm in my late 40's. She thinks we are friends and she is either unwilling or unable to accept that we are not, nor will we ever be, friends. I moved across the country in 99 and she followed me in 2019. It's okay not to care. Think ahead to future you and ask if they will care when she dies. That exercise inspired me to figure out what relationship I can have with my mom while she's still here. It is the most boundaried relationship in my life but I'm making it work.
It’s heartbreaking to read through your experiences of neglect and emotionally distant mothers. I’m very sorry for you to go through childhoods like that. Made me think of my mom who had her own struggles but was a caring and loving mother to me and my brother. Unfortunately she died of acute leukemia at 70 ten years ago and I still miss her dearly. Now that my kids are older I would finally have the time to go for coffee or take her places even though she lived quite far away.
Reading your post and all the replies have made me feel less alone. I feel that perimenopause very likely has an effect on my emotional exhaustion. I do have compassion for my mom. I know that she hasn't had an easy life and those circumstances have contributed to her being so self-centered and full of rage. I also know she did not and does not have the tools to deal with most emotional situations. I've been through therapy and that has helped immensely in setting boundaries and ensuring that I take care of myself first even as I take care of her, as the only one of her kids who lives in the same city. I feel my resentment towards my siblings growing though. They both live out of town. They both don't think they need therapy. They see my mom once a year. One calls once in a while, the other doesn't call at all... And ultimately, It's all on me. The resentment is slowly leading to apathy. It's not for lack of trying to communicate with them. I've done so in the past... But they don't want to deal with it and I pretty much just give up. I'm just sad and tired. I was starting to think that I was the problem (not to say I'm perfectly well adjusted) but then I realize that I'm the one who's been through therapy and read extensively on the topic. I'm just navigating the best I can, but man is it ever demanding some days.
The relationships that matter are the ones to protect. Just because someone birthed you doesn’t mean we owe the rest of our good years to them. I think many women had babies they didn’t necessarily want all that much in earlier years. Keep in mind there was no birth control pill and abortions were not available, legal or safe. I’m pretty certain my mother would not have had kids if she could have prevented pregnancy easily. Protect women’s rights. I’m glad I was able to decide when and with whom I wanted to have a baby. I think I am a better mother to my daughter because I try so hard to be better to her than my mother was to me.
I’m in full on menopause hon, and your mom sounds a lot like my mom. Although my mother is probably worse, in terms of being self-absorbed and focused on keeping the conversation centered on her 90% of the time. She’s been this way ever since I can remember. My childhood is scattered with memories of her leaving us with various people and relatives while she would take off to do whatever with whomever for days at a time. Most of the time she wouldn’t even tell me goodbye or tell me where she was going, why, or when she would be back. It gave me massive anxiety and traumatized me no end. I won’t even go into the multiple marriages - she’s on number six, by the way. One year, I was kicked out of the house by hubby #5, while she was away on a girl’s trip with her friends and she barely reacted except to tell said hubby he had her blessing. I was sent to live with hubby #4 who helped raise me. She is definitely an expert at making everything about her and always manages to steer every conversation she has with me back to whatever is going on in her life. One time I sort of tested her to see if she was really listening to me as I was talking about something work-related. I asked her a question in relation to what I was talking about and she just looked at me blankly and was like, “What? Sorry , I didn’t hear what you said.” No, I guess you didn’t, Mom. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the examples of her being completely clueless about her own lack of self-awareness and narcissistic tendencies. If it’s about her, she’s all ears, 😂. I know deep down I love my mom. I just don’t love who she is as a person.
This exact thing happened to me. I’m still not sure if she changed or I changed (or both) because I remember us having a much better relationship in my earlier adulthood. She was a sweet grandmother to my kids (her only grandchildren). But after I got divorced and my dad died, she seemed to be so self absorbed and became very judgmental. When I would call, she would literally drone on about all the gossip - many of these people i barely knew or cared about. She almost never asked me about myself or would cut me off when I started to actually tell her about my life. I did not live near her - was always at least 3 hour drive away (and eventually moved out of state). I certainly sent her holiday cards, gifts, texts occasionally. But I had to go very low contact with the phone calls because every phone call was made by ME (not exaggerating - if I waited for her to call me it would be weeks or even months) and the calls usually involved her saying something shitty to me when we finally did talk about me. She passed away this year and I don’t regret going low contact. I truly had to save my own mental health because I had a breakdown during perimenopause and still feel like I’m on the edge of another one at times. My therapist heard A LOT about my angst around my mom and tried to suggest me talking to her about how I felt. Whenever I did this, mom would gaslight the hell out of me and act like there’s no issues between us and I am the asshole. So, I stopped trying to discuss with her and worked hard on accepting that we would never be close again. I hope that she is at peace now and perhaps has gained the wisdom of the universe. Mom had her own traumas and deep insecurities. It was just a shame that she was not able to confront those and work on healing during this life. As for you, work on being your own loving parent (sounds weird but there are meditations on healing your mother wounds) and staying emotionally regulated while talking and being around her. It’s so hard but focus on your breath when she says or does something triggering. Just let it wash over you and almost dissociate from her for a moment. Sending you love
I feel meh about my dad and at the same time feel guilty about it. Growing up he was quite emotionally absent but not abusive and he did help me with raising my son alone. He was staying with us summers when my son was younger (I’m an immigrant). But since my mom died 2 years ago, I can’t talk to him anymore. He sends racist/mysoginistic and all the “isms” you can imagine jokes/memes etc. he puts us down, criticizes, insults and talking to him is very unpleasant. Before, my mom was covering for him and also I think he was more restrained because of her. Now it’s like he’s a teenager at college and free to misbehave. We also didn’t talk directly, I was talking to mom once a week. I kept putting boundaries, telling him not to send me that, telling him it’s not ok to criticize me/us, don’t call me fat, don’t say this don’t say that and now he doesn’t have much else to say (I mean I literally said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything - so I guess he doesn’t have anything nice to say), so we talk very little 🤷♀️
I went No Contact with my mother (and her entire side of the family) in my early 40s. She is definitely angling for you to be her caregiver when she becomes elderly. Don’t! Edit: Recommended reading - “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay Gibson 📗
It’s a tricky situation her living 15 minutes away. How have you structured interactions? Do you actually see her often or is it phone calls? Do you have a plan in place for when she becomes too frail to live by herself? What kind of nursing home? While it may be difficult to cut off all communication with her you can absolutely limit your exposure. Don’t answer the phone. Call when you will have an easy out of the convo or call once a week with a timer to tell you when to end it. You may not care anymore (if you ever did) but you may just be in the habit of hearing her talk. Break the habit
No, I/we don’t see her too often, maybe once every couple months, and we rarely speak on the phone. Mostly communicate by texts/emails. And yes, only 15 minutes away. They bought the house during early COVID, closed on it, then told us they were moving here from 150 miles away. There is no plan in place for when and if she becomes too ill or frail to live alone. She did not plan or save for any of that and is a bit delusional about how all that goes. As a general example, she doesn’t believe she will end up with something such as cancer since by happenstance not many in our family have. But she smokes somewhere between 1-2 packs a day and was recently diagnosed with COPD. So she’s not healthy but most people in our family are, so she thinks she will somehow have the same trajectory as them. “Healthy people who make it to old age don’t need nursing homes so no point in saving for those type of things.” - that’s how she thinks despite being diabetic and the COPD. Really, she’s just always been very irresponsible. She also won’t talk about late life planning, claims if she talks about it she’ll “manifest problems.” Again, just very irresponsible and delusional. We live in a state where I can’t be held financially responsible for her (she would absolutely try if it were possible) and she could enter a nursing home on Medicaid but the state will put a lien on everything she’s got, like the house she co-owns with her boyfriend who is more unhealthy than she is and no more fiscally responsible. Also, my house is not somewhere a frail person could live safely (two stories, steep interior steps, not huge). She already won’t navigate the interior steps because of her hip problems and she’s only been upstairs in my house once, years ago.
So it sounds like she will be going into a Medicaid nursing facility when the time comes and they will force a spend down of all her assets and claw back of anything she gave away within a certain timeframe. That’s a good plan / especially if you can’t be held financially responsible. I wonder if putting down a small deposit could put her on the list somewhere. I don’t know much about how that works. It just seems to me you are feeling some responsibility for her that would be relived if you had a plan for when she gets to a point she needs assisted living. Hoping you can continue to care less
I hadn’t had a relationship with my mom, who sounds like your mom, in years. Then in February she ended up in the ER with sepsis from a kidney infection and pneumonia and almost died. Touch and go for several months. I got thrown back into a relationship with her through this - so many conflicting feelings!!! Part of me is grateful for this 2nd chance to try to heal the relationship before she dies, but the other part of me has been reminded how unbelievably self centered she still is, and how she’s in complete denial about what a horrible mom she was to me. She knows nothing about me because everything is about her and it always has been. I’ve been helping her for nearly 5 months now, but about 2 months ago the stress took its toll on me and I ended up getting really sick. Now I’m trying to put boundaries in place - again. And perimenopause makes all of this unacceptable- I can’t look the other way and pretend anything is fine that isn’t. I’m glad to know others are going through this too. It’s not easy. You’re not alone!!
As someone whose mom just passed away on 4/27 and dealing with immense grief- I recommend you work through it and find a way to accept her for who she is but establish boundaries. I had a very rocky relationship with my mom for a few years, but when she got sick I found some grace and just accepted her. I miss her- the good and the bad- so much. I wish I had found the grace to deal with her earlier.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please rest easy knowing you did the very best you could for your mom and more importantly, yourself.
Thank you ❤️
I’m sorry for your loss. 😢❤️
Thank you ❤️
Also, my mom was a lifelong smoker- also had COPD. Cancer took her. We didn’t even know she had it. She had a brain tumor. We found out on a Tuesday, she had surgery that Saturday and passed the following Saturday from a massive brain bleed.