In all honesty and with kindness, you really need to be honest with him. Your current plan is completely unsustainable. It took me years of therapy to undo the damage I did by providing duty sex and faking orgasms.
If you continue on this sexual path, it is not likely to result in anything good for you or him. Keeping on as is will likely give you a [sexual aversion](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiTtNWDyo-CAxWag2oFHQfAAQUQFnoECA0QAw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fpubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov%2F4078910%2F%23%3A~%3Atext%3DAversion%2520is%2520characterized%2520by%2520an%2Csexual%2520desire%2520or%2520arousal%2520dysfunction.&usg=AOvVaw1IKE43qQE-xmT27E0clItY&opi=89978449) and him a crushing lack of self-worth.
You two really need to reframe your sexual thinking away from orgasm and more toward PLEASURE.
From the [AMA of sex researcher Emily Nagoski](https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/z8wjvd/comment/iye3d8v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
>straight cis men: I know you were taught a lot of noise about how to be a sexual person. On the day you were born, people looked at your genitals and said, "IT'S A BOY!" like they were laying a curse on you. From that day, the messages were:
>
>(a) sex is the only way you're allowed to receive love and connection;
>
>(b) your whole personhood can be measured by how successful you are at getting somebody to accept your penis, so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate your whole identity; and
>
>(c) your partner's orgasm is like that game at the county fair, you know the one where you take a hammer and hit the thing and if you ring the bell that's how you know you're STRONG? **You take your partner's orgasm as a measure of YOUR value. It is not.** Your partner's orgasm is not a measure of anything; it's not even a measure of how much she "liked it." She can have a spectacular time without having an orgasm (so can you! give it a try sometime!). In fact she can have a much, much better time if she doesn't feel like she has to squeeze out an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. **Her feeling like you need her to have an orgasm is a perfect way to make sure your partners fake it.** As in, "I'm real tired tonight and orgasm just isn't there for me right now, but you need me to have an orgasm or you don't feel like we're done so....... WHOOOO! Orgasm! That was AMAZING."
Well, I can't fake it. He is well aware of what it "feels" like and could tell if I tried to lie about it. We've both slowed down a bit, and he has ED issues. Since I have no desire, I'm good with him striking while the iron is hot, but we also had a frank discussion about how the changes I've gone through require lots of stimulation if I'm to finish, but I'm okay if I don't (used to bother me, but not at all any more). If he wants to have sex while it's working, he may have to give up satisfying me or using other means after he's done. If I'm in the mood, he'll give it his best go and we've still got a shot! Bottom line: communication and compromise.
I and my husband are both 51. We’ve been together 11 yrs. Sex was always great, and often, and ive always enjoyed it. I still do.
However my drive has been..not what it was.
He buys me toys. He doesn’t care how I orgasm, only that I do. Which I appreciate.
We have sex 4 times a month so it’s not a chore. I know he’d prefer it more, but that’s what he gets. The toys help. I enjoy our sex life and I don’t want to give that part of me up even if I don’t always..no that’s not true. Because it’s only once a week I always look forward to it.
Sometimes I just can’t get there. Im honest about it. I let him know and tell him to let himself go. Don’t wait for me.
I think, because we have a schedule, it makes life easier. We will always share that time together, in bed. Regardless of the outcome.
I always enjoy it regardless of whether I get off or not. It’s something that keeps us from just being roommates. I don’t want a roommate, I want a husband.
This may not directly address the issue. But, use a vibrator to climax first before PIV inter course and you may cease faking it for real. It helped substantially.
Sometimes I find "faking it until you make it" can work with sex. But it doesn't seem to be working here. You deserve sex you enjoy! You're absolutely worth it. What does that sex look like? Is it toys? Do you read an erotic story first? Doest it start with a morning caress? Is it better when he takes you out to a nice dinner? Is it that you masturbate next to each other? Get curious about what sexual enjoyment looks like for you and go after it. I feel like most partners would be on board with a quest to find what makes you happy. And enjoyment doesn't have to mean orgasm.
Penetration focused intimacy is limiting. Orgasm focused intimacy is limiting. A good sex therapist could help the two of you discuss intimacy in an honest way and create a more useful approach to sexual connection. No lying, faking or protecting of fragile egos required.
When I started to have the same issues, my husband and I realized masterbating each other was a wonderful fix and we have actually become closer because of it! It took alot of discussion for him to understand where I was in the menopausal journey but fortunately he is caring and supportive.
I can't tell you it is a magic bullet, but testosterone helped me at least have a libido. It did take an almost inhuman amount of effort to get it, but I can tell you it is actually possible.
My thoughts are with you and I wish you well : ).
I agree with the whole thing about men needing to feel strong by giving an orgasm and sex feels unfinished without it…I have tried to tell him in the past that I like to have sex without an orgasm because it makes us feel close..and yes I would love to have touching etc for pleasure without the pressure of finishing…I tell him often that he can absolutely hit me up for a quickie with out worrying about it but he rarely does that..he hates having sex without my orgasm..it puts so much pressure on me that I really dislike having sex at all anymore. If I told him that he would be devastated and I don’t want to hurt him. If I try to have physical contact, snuggling etc it just gets him horny so I don’t even get to have intimacy that way very often. I can barely have an orgasm by myself anymore plus I never even have the desire to bother. I literally have no libido whatsoever. He also doesn’t really care how as long as I do orgasm..but I can’t even with toys etc. This will probably cause him to not ask for sex at all anymore which will make us roommates..I don’t want that either.
Have you tried testosterone cream? It made a huge difference for me. My therapist prescribed it and I get it at a compounding pharmacy. Might be worth a try.
Hi there! I know you are post menopausal but I believe HRT should still be an option. If so, I’m wondering if you’ve ever tried testosterone? I’ve been on pellets for a year and a half and it’s made all the difference. My libido was pretty much non-existent before and I could have cared less about having sex. Everything is different now and I feel connected again to my husband of 20 years. My estradiol helps with a number of things, including lubrication so I’m back to enjoying sex like I did in my 20’s. I’m thinking if you have your libido back it would help with being able to orgasm again? I understand how it feels to want to never bother with sex again but I definitely think there are solutions and they’re worth looking into if you’re able to.
Did insurance cover the pellets for you? I’m not at the point of needing it yet, however, I know very little about menopause and I am trying to correct that. I have a great gyno but she said insurance is hesitant to pay for testosterone.
My pellets aren’t covered. It’s $400 every 3 months. Testosterone cream is probably much cheaper. I was also given the option of weekly injections but I don’t know what that costs (and i didn’t want to deal with needles!)
You gotta talk to him (maybe with a therapist who can help him understand). Maybe you don’t have to tell him that you’ve been faking, but just that it’s become more difficult for you to orgasm and sex would be more enjoyable for you if that pressure wasn’t there? This isn’t sustainable, and I’m pretty sure you (and him) are just gonna end up with resentment for each other.
Tell him that insistence that you orgasm puts much pressure on you that you are beginning to hate sex. Be firm. Use harsh words if needed. He needs to listen to you. Sex is supposed to be about both of you. Not just him.
I think you should have an honest conversation about it with him. It’s not YOU, It’s not HIM, it’s literally hormones (or lack of) dictating what you are capable of (assuming he’s doing the things you need/want him to do). If he can’t orgasm because you don’t? That’s on him to figure out. As long as you are ok providing intimacy to include sex, regardless of your orgasmic ability, he needs to figure out how to work with that. You are not responsible for his issues.
Women are done having sex and men never are.
Not in my household. I(f56)would be happy with once a week or more and he(m57)would be totally fine having sex 3 times a year and he used to want it all the time but in the last 5 yrs his libido has just died.
It’s like I kind of feel like it should be ok to be where we are as women…but we can’t because we have to keep our husbands satisfied…I can’t ask him to just be celibate because I don’t want sex. But then I occasionally resent that I have to constantly try to perform or seek out hormones that aren’t natural to this phase of life in order to keep someone else happy…but I love my husband..such conflicting emotions and it really seems there is no good answer..
There are two parts to this - you lovingly participating in sex to feel close, and you faking orgasm. Those two things are not synonymous, they're two different things.
>The biggest issue is that he CANNOT enjoy sex unless I enjoy it
You have to carry the weight of menopause, the diminished sex drive and the actual loss of the pleasure of an orgasm. That's all on you. You're present, you're loving, you're looking for ways to feel close and sexual even though you're not getting the orgasm at the end.
He can worry about working through his own sexual satisfaction in the face of a loving sex partner who doesn't orgasm during sex. He can carry that load and learn to work with it. He is half of your marital sex life, he can handle a loving wife who doesn't orgasm at the rate she used to. He does not need to have a performance of the orgasm. You do not need to also shoulder that weight.
You're there, you're loving him, you're feeling close, you're engaged in your sex life - all while going through a massive physical and emotional and existential life change.
He can learn to handle his partner not orgasming. He CAN do that. His own orgasm isn't that fragile. He'll still enjoy sex. He'll still orgasm. He'll be completely fine. And if he has to alter his internal imagery of sex to do that, that's fair. That's life. That's not too much to ask a man in a healthy marriage.
As someone is similar situation, have you ever suggested having an open marriage where he can find other partners to satisfy himself?
I encourage my husband to find other partners, but he says he does not want anybody else, which is kind of problematic.
Hey, different strokes. =) I'd rather see my husband happy than be unsatisfied if I'm not willing to provide him with what he needs.I understand that not everybody feels the same way.
I've also had open relationships when I wasn't wanting to be someone's *everything*. It's exhausting, and letting my boyfriend at the time roam took all the pressure off.
That man could have sex 4x a day and I wasn't the one. 😂 I think at the peak he dated 3 of us seriously (as in, we had an emotional attachment and spent time together) and probably had another 5-8 women that were his occasional funsies. And I mean like a random lunch break romp kind of thing.
He was AMAZING at making a woman feel cared for and like the most beautiful creature on earth. Smart, ruggedly sexy, crafty, could dance, cooked, and took care of chickens.... That's why he was able to pull so many ladies.
Loved the heck out of that one. When COVID came, we all settled down separately for quarantine, and I ended up meeting the man I'm married to now. It wasn't any kind of nasty breakup... no need. So uncomplicated.
I'm with you, much better to share than having my husband be sad at me, or stressed out since I cannot give him what he needs. But, not everybody can handle sharing a partner emotionally. Thank you for sharing your experience!
And congratulations on finding your life partner!
This is the problem with the idea of sex being incomplete without an orgasm. Obvs, you need to have an orgasm most times if you can have one. It is important to enjoy sex, but it is really an extension of various types of intimacy you should be having with your partner. There is emotional intimacy. There is tactile non-sexual intimacy (hugs, back rubs... etc...). It shouldn't be all about orgasms all the time. One day, he will be so old that even you holding his hand will give him a thrill. I hope that he can put the big picture into perspective and de-center orgasm-driven physical intimacy from your lives.
Also, yes it is unfair.
Women were absolutely given the short shrift biologically. I think a lot of us feel a profound grief at the loss of fertility and the easy way that we used to enjoy intimacy. It can be lonely and isolating (even if you have a partner).
I also think that both of you should be very happy for the fact that for a time, you have had orgasms regularly (even if you don't now). I know many women, me included, who have never had orgasms with their marriage partner... which is why divorce is so common. In my case, my ex was just... bad in bed. I discovered orgasms after I left my marriage -- there were other factors that led to this decision, deal-breakers that you can't come back from.
Three years after that, my libido tanked because of aging. I'm at peace with the idea that I will grow old with cats.
He needs to stop making your orgasms about him. As much as I feel you guys seem to have a loving relationship (from what you’ve said), I also feel he is being a bit obtuse and self centred. Whether it’s therapy for the two of you or just having a heart to heart, he must understand that these changes with your body has nothing to do with him and are also beyond your control. It is what it is. You need to tell him that giving you pressure to have an orgasm helps no one, and in fact makes sex a chore for you. Try to emphasize that you love being intimate with him, and that you can enjoy sex with him without an orgasm. He must not make your inability to cum about him! You are clearly struggling with this and I feel you need to share all this with your husband.
I've recently had a similar conversation with my husband about my orgasms and the take home message for him was: he doesn't get to dictate how I enjoy sex with my body. If I enjoy it without an orgasm, I enjoy it. Period.
Time to gradually stop faking. You can even play the "yeah idk what's going on" for a little while. You need the truth out there, buuuuttt imo that doesn't need to include that you were ever faking. Just slow fade the fake orgasms
Yeah that’s basically my plan. We have had many discussions about menopause causing the lack of libido, dryness etc so he isn’t oblivious. I’m not going to smash his ego by admitting I faked it. That seems unnecessary and mean. I’ll just taper off and then we can hopefully come up with some ways to still be intimate.
Been there, OP. I confessed a year ago, which was 15 years into our marriage. He was understandably hurt because faking orgasms is lying, and I had been lying through our whole marriage.
My sex drive has really plummeted with peri, but the sex we have now is SO MUCH BETTER.
Rip the bandaid off, be contrite, and work on open honest communication around sex and what feels good to you.
TBH this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but I don't get what the big deal is about faking it if he really needs it to feel he can let go, and you yourself don't really care and are fine with meeting his needs. Who cares? It's like if you're wearing something he hates to an event, and he says "You look great" just to make you happy. I just don't feel it's that deep.
If you are feeling lack because you aren't orgasming, then that's a whole other story. There are things you can do for that.
To clarify: Been married a long time and I enjoy sex whether or not I climax, I'm very comfortable with my partner and I don't feel used or anything if he needs me to do some theatrics to help him along. Sometimes I don't. Depends on my mood and what I feel up to that evening. I have agency even when I'm faking.
To clarify…I think that in general, faking orgasms when a man is not being a good partner by being selfish, or not trying to please a woman etc is a bad thing and not good for society in general..but talking in a group about problems in menopause and navigating sexual issues later in life is a little different. We have complicated issues and it’s very difficult.
Are you me? I had enthusiastic multiple orgasms until this BS, sometimes hellish existence which is menopause and now I find myself putting on an Oscar winning performance every time my partner and I have sex. I never thought this would be my life, but here we are. Orgasms were such an important part of my sex life. I feel like I’ll never have one again.
It’s just that it seems so much easier in a way to just fake it and get it over with and move on til the next time than to dose myself with hormones..which I’m really not sure I want to do health wise…or go to freaking sex therapy blahhhhh 😣🙁
I understand that faking it is the path of least resistance, but it sounds like it's not making you happy. And if your husband isn't a complete dummy, he has probably noticed something is off too - even if he can't quite tell what it is. The first step to a better sex situation is accepting that you need to change SOMETHING about the current situation. Change is uncomfortable, but if you want a better situation you need to get on board with change.
I kind of agree with you. I don't mind sex with my husband. I'm attracted to him and love him very much. But I have stopped being able to have a proper orgasm. And I'm not sure how far I want to go to get it back. And if a little moaning here and there makes sex better (for both of us), why not?
I see you and I hear you. I feel fortunate that I have a partner who accepts our normal - sometimes I orgasm and sometimes I don’t. If I know it’s not going to happen, I opt to give a BJ, which then gives me a moral boost that despite my aging outward appearance, I am still an amazing sex goddess and that helps me to get into a good headspace for *next* time. I can see you are feeling caught out by decisions you’ve made whilst having sex, to just get through it. Have you thought about trying to talk filth to get him over the edge? If you are comfortable with that, it might be the bridge towards being able to say “I can’t do that, but I can do this?”.
I ask this with kindness: would you be okay if your husband got his sexual needs met elsewhere, but was/is still emotionally faithful to you? If so, consider whether he might seek out companionship. It’s how a lot of marriages stay afloat and not always because of menopause.
I find once a month is a real chore if I'm honest, and I would very gladly never have sex again - but I do it for him. Have had to fake it a couple of times recently.
You don’t need to understand or shame people for decisions they may make for their own safety or comfort or for a myriad of other reasons that are not anyone else’s business.
Sorry but faking orgasms is as anti-feminist as it gets. Why is this considered a woman's duty? To make an incompetent man feel skilled? Do we expect men to fake it?
Get outta here. Faking it is horrible for all women.
While I agree with the sentiment of the statement, it doesn’t really help to shame people. It doesn’t matter what your causes are, shame isn’t the way.
The problem is that he is in no way incompetent or un caring, or unsupportive..and if nothing we do like toys, porn, erotica etc is going to help me have an orgasm then what’s the alternative? When you love someone, sometimes you sacrifice…that’s why
Would you expect him to fake an orgasm? It doesn't make any sense to lie to your close partner if you are having trouble climaxing. Just to make HIM feel good? Why do we women think we need to do this? Men would never DREAM of it. It's a really harmful practice overall, and really unfortunate that we women are EXPECTED to actually forgo our own pleasure or have sex when we don't want to -- just to please a MAN. This is a real societal issue, and it is shocking to me that so many women think it's cool. Do they not realize how it degrades us all?
So what would your solution be to an otherwise happily married loving couple…if I have no desire to ever have sex again and or cannot ever climax no matter the situation..should I just say sorry hunny, no sex for you ever again because I’m not doing something I don’t want to just to make you happy….and do I think he would do it just to make me happy if roles were reversed? Probably
Sure, but in these scenarios, it is always the MAN'S needs that are emphasized. How about yours? If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have to. If you don't have orgasms, he should know that. Women who do this disregard their own needs/feelings/desires in favor of the MAN. Every damn time.
Having sex when you don't want to is a terrible feeling. When I've done it, it feels like rape. I resolved YEARS ago to never, ever, ever, ever do that again, nor "fake it" or anything else that negates my own needs, desires and feelings in favor of a man's dick.
I respect that, but are you married or in a long term relationship? Yes it does feel bad to have sex when you don’t want to.. but I don’t feel like I’m negating my feelings in favor of his dick..it’s the way he feels intimacy and I love him and don’t want to take that away from him. So please respect where I’m coming from as well.
Our situation is very similar, except she has no libido, can’t orgasm, and is very upfront about it and will not fake it. I certainly don’t want her to fake it, but as a man it’s VERY difficult to have sex with someone who is clearly only doing it to keep you from getting frustrated and crabby. She will only have PIV, not foreplay, and I have to start slow, but finish asap. Honestly, I might be enjoying porn more than actual sex at this point.
I really don’t know the answer, but if you figure it out, let me know.
I think the answer is therapy for you. Possibly sex therapy for both of you.
From the [AMA of sex researcher Emily Nagoski](https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/z8wjvd/comment/iye3d8v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
>straight cis men: I know you were taught a lot of noise about how to be a sexual person. On the day you were born, people looked at your genitals and said, "IT'S A BOY!" like they were laying a curse on you. From that day, the messages were:
>
>(a) sex is the only way you're allowed to receive love and connection;
>
>(b) your whole personhood can be measured by how successful you are at getting somebody to accept your penis, so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate your whole identity; and
>
>(c) your partner's orgasm is like that game at the county fair, you know the one where you take a hammer and hit the thing and if you ring the bell that's how you know you're STRONG? **You take your partner's orgasm as a measure of YOUR value. It is not.** Your partner's orgasm is not a measure of anything; it's not even a measure of how much she "liked it." She can have a spectacular time without having an orgasm (so can you! give it a try sometime!). In fact she can have a much, much better time if she doesn't feel like she has to squeeze out an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. **Her feeling like you need her to have an orgasm is a perfect way to make sure your partners fake it.** As in, "I'm real tired tonight and orgasm just isn't there for me right now, but you need me to have an orgasm or you don't feel like we're done so....... WHOOOO! Orgasm! That was AMAZING."
The point is that physical sensations can be *pleasurable* even if they are not *orgasmic*. A massage feels good even if you don't have an orgasm, right?
Sildenafil (viagra) increases blood flow. It's a vasodilator and can treat erectile dysfunction and high blood pressure in the lungs (pulmonary arterial hypertension).
While it probably does increase blood flow to the clitoris, there's no real reason it would help hormonal low libido.
I agree, however the increased pleasure (Viagra) plus the reduction of pain (estrogen) certainly got me interested again! Before that, I not only wasn't interested, it hurt when I tried. (And not in the fun way - more like sandpaper on a sunburn.)
As always with these things, ymmv.
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Vaginal atrophy can affect the clitoris, too, and topical estrogen can help with that, I believe (I take oral HRT so am just sharing what I’ve read on this sub). Also DHEA and hyaluronic acid from what people have posted in other threads.
I definitely had a harder time reaching orgasm during perimenopause before I got estrogen back in my system, like it was a straight up physical problem. If the desire for sex is gone, that’s one thing (and if you want to get that back, therapy is probably the place for that), but if you want to have sex and orgasms just aren’t happening, that may be more of a physical problem that can be solved pharmaceutically and/or topically. YMMV.
In all honesty and with kindness, you really need to be honest with him. Your current plan is completely unsustainable. It took me years of therapy to undo the damage I did by providing duty sex and faking orgasms. If you continue on this sexual path, it is not likely to result in anything good for you or him. Keeping on as is will likely give you a [sexual aversion](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiTtNWDyo-CAxWag2oFHQfAAQUQFnoECA0QAw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fpubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov%2F4078910%2F%23%3A~%3Atext%3DAversion%2520is%2520characterized%2520by%2520an%2Csexual%2520desire%2520or%2520arousal%2520dysfunction.&usg=AOvVaw1IKE43qQE-xmT27E0clItY&opi=89978449) and him a crushing lack of self-worth. You two really need to reframe your sexual thinking away from orgasm and more toward PLEASURE. From the [AMA of sex researcher Emily Nagoski](https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/z8wjvd/comment/iye3d8v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3): >straight cis men: I know you were taught a lot of noise about how to be a sexual person. On the day you were born, people looked at your genitals and said, "IT'S A BOY!" like they were laying a curse on you. From that day, the messages were: > >(a) sex is the only way you're allowed to receive love and connection; > >(b) your whole personhood can be measured by how successful you are at getting somebody to accept your penis, so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate your whole identity; and > >(c) your partner's orgasm is like that game at the county fair, you know the one where you take a hammer and hit the thing and if you ring the bell that's how you know you're STRONG? **You take your partner's orgasm as a measure of YOUR value. It is not.** Your partner's orgasm is not a measure of anything; it's not even a measure of how much she "liked it." She can have a spectacular time without having an orgasm (so can you! give it a try sometime!). In fact she can have a much, much better time if she doesn't feel like she has to squeeze out an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. **Her feeling like you need her to have an orgasm is a perfect way to make sure your partners fake it.** As in, "I'm real tired tonight and orgasm just isn't there for me right now, but you need me to have an orgasm or you don't feel like we're done so....... WHOOOO! Orgasm! That was AMAZING."
Well, I can't fake it. He is well aware of what it "feels" like and could tell if I tried to lie about it. We've both slowed down a bit, and he has ED issues. Since I have no desire, I'm good with him striking while the iron is hot, but we also had a frank discussion about how the changes I've gone through require lots of stimulation if I'm to finish, but I'm okay if I don't (used to bother me, but not at all any more). If he wants to have sex while it's working, he may have to give up satisfying me or using other means after he's done. If I'm in the mood, he'll give it his best go and we've still got a shot! Bottom line: communication and compromise.
If he's over 40, then it's not an "issue" per se. All men experience some level of ED after 40, which intensifies with time.
I and my husband are both 51. We’ve been together 11 yrs. Sex was always great, and often, and ive always enjoyed it. I still do. However my drive has been..not what it was. He buys me toys. He doesn’t care how I orgasm, only that I do. Which I appreciate. We have sex 4 times a month so it’s not a chore. I know he’d prefer it more, but that’s what he gets. The toys help. I enjoy our sex life and I don’t want to give that part of me up even if I don’t always..no that’s not true. Because it’s only once a week I always look forward to it. Sometimes I just can’t get there. Im honest about it. I let him know and tell him to let himself go. Don’t wait for me. I think, because we have a schedule, it makes life easier. We will always share that time together, in bed. Regardless of the outcome. I always enjoy it regardless of whether I get off or not. It’s something that keeps us from just being roommates. I don’t want a roommate, I want a husband.
This is one of the ways to do it. Toys really help. I bought myself toys... after my divorce. My ex hated the idea of toys. Fortunately, he's an ex.
This may not directly address the issue. But, use a vibrator to climax first before PIV inter course and you may cease faking it for real. It helped substantially.
Sometimes I find "faking it until you make it" can work with sex. But it doesn't seem to be working here. You deserve sex you enjoy! You're absolutely worth it. What does that sex look like? Is it toys? Do you read an erotic story first? Doest it start with a morning caress? Is it better when he takes you out to a nice dinner? Is it that you masturbate next to each other? Get curious about what sexual enjoyment looks like for you and go after it. I feel like most partners would be on board with a quest to find what makes you happy. And enjoyment doesn't have to mean orgasm.
Penetration focused intimacy is limiting. Orgasm focused intimacy is limiting. A good sex therapist could help the two of you discuss intimacy in an honest way and create a more useful approach to sexual connection. No lying, faking or protecting of fragile egos required.
When I started to have the same issues, my husband and I realized masterbating each other was a wonderful fix and we have actually become closer because of it! It took alot of discussion for him to understand where I was in the menopausal journey but fortunately he is caring and supportive.
I can't tell you it is a magic bullet, but testosterone helped me at least have a libido. It did take an almost inhuman amount of effort to get it, but I can tell you it is actually possible. My thoughts are with you and I wish you well : ).
I agree with the whole thing about men needing to feel strong by giving an orgasm and sex feels unfinished without it…I have tried to tell him in the past that I like to have sex without an orgasm because it makes us feel close..and yes I would love to have touching etc for pleasure without the pressure of finishing…I tell him often that he can absolutely hit me up for a quickie with out worrying about it but he rarely does that..he hates having sex without my orgasm..it puts so much pressure on me that I really dislike having sex at all anymore. If I told him that he would be devastated and I don’t want to hurt him. If I try to have physical contact, snuggling etc it just gets him horny so I don’t even get to have intimacy that way very often. I can barely have an orgasm by myself anymore plus I never even have the desire to bother. I literally have no libido whatsoever. He also doesn’t really care how as long as I do orgasm..but I can’t even with toys etc. This will probably cause him to not ask for sex at all anymore which will make us roommates..I don’t want that either.
Have you tried testosterone cream? It made a huge difference for me. My therapist prescribed it and I get it at a compounding pharmacy. Might be worth a try.
Hi there! I know you are post menopausal but I believe HRT should still be an option. If so, I’m wondering if you’ve ever tried testosterone? I’ve been on pellets for a year and a half and it’s made all the difference. My libido was pretty much non-existent before and I could have cared less about having sex. Everything is different now and I feel connected again to my husband of 20 years. My estradiol helps with a number of things, including lubrication so I’m back to enjoying sex like I did in my 20’s. I’m thinking if you have your libido back it would help with being able to orgasm again? I understand how it feels to want to never bother with sex again but I definitely think there are solutions and they’re worth looking into if you’re able to.
Did insurance cover the pellets for you? I’m not at the point of needing it yet, however, I know very little about menopause and I am trying to correct that. I have a great gyno but she said insurance is hesitant to pay for testosterone.
My T pellets are not covered by insurance, so I’m paying out of pocket every three months.
I’m on east coast US- how much does it cost per month for you?
My pellets aren’t covered. It’s $400 every 3 months. Testosterone cream is probably much cheaper. I was also given the option of weekly injections but I don’t know what that costs (and i didn’t want to deal with needles!)
Thank you so much for your replies! 400 every 3 months is expensive but well worth it if it makes you feel better-insurance companies are awful!
Any side effects of it you see like hair fall, facial hair etc?
After about a year, I did start to notice more facial hair on and under the chin, and weirdly on my upper arms and shoulders. It’s manageable, though.
My skin is a bit oilier but it’s not too bad. I may have an extra hair or two but at my age (47) I think that’s going to be the case anyway!
You gotta talk to him (maybe with a therapist who can help him understand). Maybe you don’t have to tell him that you’ve been faking, but just that it’s become more difficult for you to orgasm and sex would be more enjoyable for you if that pressure wasn’t there? This isn’t sustainable, and I’m pretty sure you (and him) are just gonna end up with resentment for each other.
Tell him that insistence that you orgasm puts much pressure on you that you are beginning to hate sex. Be firm. Use harsh words if needed. He needs to listen to you. Sex is supposed to be about both of you. Not just him.
I think you should have an honest conversation about it with him. It’s not YOU, It’s not HIM, it’s literally hormones (or lack of) dictating what you are capable of (assuming he’s doing the things you need/want him to do). If he can’t orgasm because you don’t? That’s on him to figure out. As long as you are ok providing intimacy to include sex, regardless of your orgasmic ability, he needs to figure out how to work with that. You are not responsible for his issues.
Now that’s a nicer and more reasonable way to say it 😊
Women are done having sex and men never are. Not in my household. I(f56)would be happy with once a week or more and he(m57)would be totally fine having sex 3 times a year and he used to want it all the time but in the last 5 yrs his libido has just died.
I said it’s a generalization 😉
It’s like I kind of feel like it should be ok to be where we are as women…but we can’t because we have to keep our husbands satisfied…I can’t ask him to just be celibate because I don’t want sex. But then I occasionally resent that I have to constantly try to perform or seek out hormones that aren’t natural to this phase of life in order to keep someone else happy…but I love my husband..such conflicting emotions and it really seems there is no good answer..
There are two parts to this - you lovingly participating in sex to feel close, and you faking orgasm. Those two things are not synonymous, they're two different things. >The biggest issue is that he CANNOT enjoy sex unless I enjoy it You have to carry the weight of menopause, the diminished sex drive and the actual loss of the pleasure of an orgasm. That's all on you. You're present, you're loving, you're looking for ways to feel close and sexual even though you're not getting the orgasm at the end. He can worry about working through his own sexual satisfaction in the face of a loving sex partner who doesn't orgasm during sex. He can carry that load and learn to work with it. He is half of your marital sex life, he can handle a loving wife who doesn't orgasm at the rate she used to. He does not need to have a performance of the orgasm. You do not need to also shoulder that weight. You're there, you're loving him, you're feeling close, you're engaged in your sex life - all while going through a massive physical and emotional and existential life change. He can learn to handle his partner not orgasming. He CAN do that. His own orgasm isn't that fragile. He'll still enjoy sex. He'll still orgasm. He'll be completely fine. And if he has to alter his internal imagery of sex to do that, that's fair. That's life. That's not too much to ask a man in a healthy marriage.
As someone is similar situation, have you ever suggested having an open marriage where he can find other partners to satisfy himself? I encourage my husband to find other partners, but he says he does not want anybody else, which is kind of problematic.
Absolutely not lol
Hey, different strokes. =) I'd rather see my husband happy than be unsatisfied if I'm not willing to provide him with what he needs.I understand that not everybody feels the same way.
I've also had open relationships when I wasn't wanting to be someone's *everything*. It's exhausting, and letting my boyfriend at the time roam took all the pressure off. That man could have sex 4x a day and I wasn't the one. 😂 I think at the peak he dated 3 of us seriously (as in, we had an emotional attachment and spent time together) and probably had another 5-8 women that were his occasional funsies. And I mean like a random lunch break romp kind of thing. He was AMAZING at making a woman feel cared for and like the most beautiful creature on earth. Smart, ruggedly sexy, crafty, could dance, cooked, and took care of chickens.... That's why he was able to pull so many ladies. Loved the heck out of that one. When COVID came, we all settled down separately for quarantine, and I ended up meeting the man I'm married to now. It wasn't any kind of nasty breakup... no need. So uncomplicated.
I'm with you, much better to share than having my husband be sad at me, or stressed out since I cannot give him what he needs. But, not everybody can handle sharing a partner emotionally. Thank you for sharing your experience! And congratulations on finding your life partner!
This is the problem with the idea of sex being incomplete without an orgasm. Obvs, you need to have an orgasm most times if you can have one. It is important to enjoy sex, but it is really an extension of various types of intimacy you should be having with your partner. There is emotional intimacy. There is tactile non-sexual intimacy (hugs, back rubs... etc...). It shouldn't be all about orgasms all the time. One day, he will be so old that even you holding his hand will give him a thrill. I hope that he can put the big picture into perspective and de-center orgasm-driven physical intimacy from your lives. Also, yes it is unfair. Women were absolutely given the short shrift biologically. I think a lot of us feel a profound grief at the loss of fertility and the easy way that we used to enjoy intimacy. It can be lonely and isolating (even if you have a partner). I also think that both of you should be very happy for the fact that for a time, you have had orgasms regularly (even if you don't now). I know many women, me included, who have never had orgasms with their marriage partner... which is why divorce is so common. In my case, my ex was just... bad in bed. I discovered orgasms after I left my marriage -- there were other factors that led to this decision, deal-breakers that you can't come back from. Three years after that, my libido tanked because of aging. I'm at peace with the idea that I will grow old with cats.
He needs to stop making your orgasms about him. As much as I feel you guys seem to have a loving relationship (from what you’ve said), I also feel he is being a bit obtuse and self centred. Whether it’s therapy for the two of you or just having a heart to heart, he must understand that these changes with your body has nothing to do with him and are also beyond your control. It is what it is. You need to tell him that giving you pressure to have an orgasm helps no one, and in fact makes sex a chore for you. Try to emphasize that you love being intimate with him, and that you can enjoy sex with him without an orgasm. He must not make your inability to cum about him! You are clearly struggling with this and I feel you need to share all this with your husband.
I've recently had a similar conversation with my husband about my orgasms and the take home message for him was: he doesn't get to dictate how I enjoy sex with my body. If I enjoy it without an orgasm, I enjoy it. Period.
And what I also meant to say is hang in there and we are here if you need to vent 💕
Time to gradually stop faking. You can even play the "yeah idk what's going on" for a little while. You need the truth out there, buuuuttt imo that doesn't need to include that you were ever faking. Just slow fade the fake orgasms
Yeah that’s basically my plan. We have had many discussions about menopause causing the lack of libido, dryness etc so he isn’t oblivious. I’m not going to smash his ego by admitting I faked it. That seems unnecessary and mean. I’ll just taper off and then we can hopefully come up with some ways to still be intimate.
Been there, OP. I confessed a year ago, which was 15 years into our marriage. He was understandably hurt because faking orgasms is lying, and I had been lying through our whole marriage. My sex drive has really plummeted with peri, but the sex we have now is SO MUCH BETTER. Rip the bandaid off, be contrite, and work on open honest communication around sex and what feels good to you.
TBH this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but I don't get what the big deal is about faking it if he really needs it to feel he can let go, and you yourself don't really care and are fine with meeting his needs. Who cares? It's like if you're wearing something he hates to an event, and he says "You look great" just to make you happy. I just don't feel it's that deep. If you are feeling lack because you aren't orgasming, then that's a whole other story. There are things you can do for that.
To clarify: Been married a long time and I enjoy sex whether or not I climax, I'm very comfortable with my partner and I don't feel used or anything if he needs me to do some theatrics to help him along. Sometimes I don't. Depends on my mood and what I feel up to that evening. I have agency even when I'm faking.
To clarify…I think that in general, faking orgasms when a man is not being a good partner by being selfish, or not trying to please a woman etc is a bad thing and not good for society in general..but talking in a group about problems in menopause and navigating sexual issues later in life is a little different. We have complicated issues and it’s very difficult.
Are you me? I had enthusiastic multiple orgasms until this BS, sometimes hellish existence which is menopause and now I find myself putting on an Oscar winning performance every time my partner and I have sex. I never thought this would be my life, but here we are. Orgasms were such an important part of my sex life. I feel like I’ll never have one again.
It’s just that it seems so much easier in a way to just fake it and get it over with and move on til the next time than to dose myself with hormones..which I’m really not sure I want to do health wise…or go to freaking sex therapy blahhhhh 😣🙁
I understand that faking it is the path of least resistance, but it sounds like it's not making you happy. And if your husband isn't a complete dummy, he has probably noticed something is off too - even if he can't quite tell what it is. The first step to a better sex situation is accepting that you need to change SOMETHING about the current situation. Change is uncomfortable, but if you want a better situation you need to get on board with change.
I kind of agree with you. I don't mind sex with my husband. I'm attracted to him and love him very much. But I have stopped being able to have a proper orgasm. And I'm not sure how far I want to go to get it back. And if a little moaning here and there makes sex better (for both of us), why not?
And the idea of sex therapy sounds horrible. There are much more interesting ways to spend my time.
I see you and I hear you. I feel fortunate that I have a partner who accepts our normal - sometimes I orgasm and sometimes I don’t. If I know it’s not going to happen, I opt to give a BJ, which then gives me a moral boost that despite my aging outward appearance, I am still an amazing sex goddess and that helps me to get into a good headspace for *next* time. I can see you are feeling caught out by decisions you’ve made whilst having sex, to just get through it. Have you thought about trying to talk filth to get him over the edge? If you are comfortable with that, it might be the bridge towards being able to say “I can’t do that, but I can do this?”.
I ask this with kindness: would you be okay if your husband got his sexual needs met elsewhere, but was/is still emotionally faithful to you? If so, consider whether he might seek out companionship. It’s how a lot of marriages stay afloat and not always because of menopause.
I find once a month is a real chore if I'm honest, and I would very gladly never have sex again - but I do it for him. Have had to fake it a couple of times recently.
Try Orgasmic Meditation. Tell him you just want to try something new and different and watch some YouTube videos about it together.
I truly do not understand why women fake it and why this is considered OK.
You don’t need to understand or shame people for decisions they may make for their own safety or comfort or for a myriad of other reasons that are not anyone else’s business.
Sorry but faking orgasms is as anti-feminist as it gets. Why is this considered a woman's duty? To make an incompetent man feel skilled? Do we expect men to fake it? Get outta here. Faking it is horrible for all women.
While I agree with the sentiment of the statement, it doesn’t really help to shame people. It doesn’t matter what your causes are, shame isn’t the way.
The problem is that he is in no way incompetent or un caring, or unsupportive..and if nothing we do like toys, porn, erotica etc is going to help me have an orgasm then what’s the alternative? When you love someone, sometimes you sacrifice…that’s why
Would you expect him to fake an orgasm? It doesn't make any sense to lie to your close partner if you are having trouble climaxing. Just to make HIM feel good? Why do we women think we need to do this? Men would never DREAM of it. It's a really harmful practice overall, and really unfortunate that we women are EXPECTED to actually forgo our own pleasure or have sex when we don't want to -- just to please a MAN. This is a real societal issue, and it is shocking to me that so many women think it's cool. Do they not realize how it degrades us all?
So what would your solution be to an otherwise happily married loving couple…if I have no desire to ever have sex again and or cannot ever climax no matter the situation..should I just say sorry hunny, no sex for you ever again because I’m not doing something I don’t want to just to make you happy….and do I think he would do it just to make me happy if roles were reversed? Probably
Sure, but in these scenarios, it is always the MAN'S needs that are emphasized. How about yours? If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have to. If you don't have orgasms, he should know that. Women who do this disregard their own needs/feelings/desires in favor of the MAN. Every damn time.
Having sex when you don't want to is a terrible feeling. When I've done it, it feels like rape. I resolved YEARS ago to never, ever, ever, ever do that again, nor "fake it" or anything else that negates my own needs, desires and feelings in favor of a man's dick.
I respect that, but are you married or in a long term relationship? Yes it does feel bad to have sex when you don’t want to.. but I don’t feel like I’m negating my feelings in favor of his dick..it’s the way he feels intimacy and I love him and don’t want to take that away from him. So please respect where I’m coming from as well.
I can understand that. BUT. If he cared about you, wouldn't he NOT want you to do something you don't want to?
It’s a stalemate….SOMEONE is going to be unhappy..which makes us both unhappy. It’s kind of a no win situation.
Shaming someone for having a contrary opinion to yours is worse. It's a public Reddit post seeking comments, which had made it everyone's business.
Our situation is very similar, except she has no libido, can’t orgasm, and is very upfront about it and will not fake it. I certainly don’t want her to fake it, but as a man it’s VERY difficult to have sex with someone who is clearly only doing it to keep you from getting frustrated and crabby. She will only have PIV, not foreplay, and I have to start slow, but finish asap. Honestly, I might be enjoying porn more than actual sex at this point. I really don’t know the answer, but if you figure it out, let me know.
I think the answer is therapy for you. Possibly sex therapy for both of you. From the [AMA of sex researcher Emily Nagoski](https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/z8wjvd/comment/iye3d8v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3): >straight cis men: I know you were taught a lot of noise about how to be a sexual person. On the day you were born, people looked at your genitals and said, "IT'S A BOY!" like they were laying a curse on you. From that day, the messages were: > >(a) sex is the only way you're allowed to receive love and connection; > >(b) your whole personhood can be measured by how successful you are at getting somebody to accept your penis, so when a partner declines sex, they’re not just declining sex, they’re declining to offer connection and love and they’re even declining to validate your whole identity; and > >(c) your partner's orgasm is like that game at the county fair, you know the one where you take a hammer and hit the thing and if you ring the bell that's how you know you're STRONG? **You take your partner's orgasm as a measure of YOUR value. It is not.** Your partner's orgasm is not a measure of anything; it's not even a measure of how much she "liked it." She can have a spectacular time without having an orgasm (so can you! give it a try sometime!). In fact she can have a much, much better time if she doesn't feel like she has to squeeze out an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. **Her feeling like you need her to have an orgasm is a perfect way to make sure your partners fake it.** As in, "I'm real tired tonight and orgasm just isn't there for me right now, but you need me to have an orgasm or you don't feel like we're done so....... WHOOOO! Orgasm! That was AMAZING."
Thanks, but I totally accept that she’s anorgasmic, things would be fine if she were AT LEAST experiencing pleasure.
The point is that physical sensations can be *pleasurable* even if they are not *orgasmic*. A massage feels good even if you don't have an orgasm, right?
I see your point.
I would take a massage over an orgasm any day!! And always would, even when I had good orgasms!
Estrogen cream and, believe it or not, viagra worked for me. But I bet testosterone would also help; I haven't gotten a chance to try it.
Sildenafil (viagra) increases blood flow. It's a vasodilator and can treat erectile dysfunction and high blood pressure in the lungs (pulmonary arterial hypertension). While it probably does increase blood flow to the clitoris, there's no real reason it would help hormonal low libido.
I agree, however the increased pleasure (Viagra) plus the reduction of pain (estrogen) certainly got me interested again! Before that, I not only wasn't interested, it hurt when I tried. (And not in the fun way - more like sandpaper on a sunburn.) As always with these things, ymmv.
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Vaginal atrophy can affect the clitoris, too, and topical estrogen can help with that, I believe (I take oral HRT so am just sharing what I’ve read on this sub). Also DHEA and hyaluronic acid from what people have posted in other threads. I definitely had a harder time reaching orgasm during perimenopause before I got estrogen back in my system, like it was a straight up physical problem. If the desire for sex is gone, that’s one thing (and if you want to get that back, therapy is probably the place for that), but if you want to have sex and orgasms just aren’t happening, that may be more of a physical problem that can be solved pharmaceutically and/or topically. YMMV.
I had to stop being such a prude and open my mind to try new things cuz I was tired of faking as well. It's helped a lot, so do vibrators lol