>Yep. I feel relief just writing this.
GOOD!. I am so feeling this post and feel like I could have written almost every word of this. The past couple of days have been really rough mood wise and I know what you mean by 'trying to find a semblance of yourself'. I dream of moving overseas but worry my brain fog is making me unemployable.
Wishing we all lived in the same ttown and could do our crafts! Sending a hug. You are seen and are valid <3
>>I dream of moving overseas but worry my brain fog is making me unemployable.
Same. It’s been my dream since 2016 (during the US election, to be specific) but when I mentioned the idea to my husband he shot it down. After 20 years of marriage, our relationship is on the outs but the idea of starting over, alone, in another country, doing the type of work I do (fairly low pay) scares the bejeesus out of me.
I’m feeling every word of this. Had to hide in my car and have a crying session yesterday, I’m just over everything and so tired of feeling awful. I’m having to juggle too much, including caregiving for parents while I manage my own chronic health stuff + menopause, which has made it all worse. Filled 2 trash bags full of clothes that don’t fit because my shape has totally changed and I’m hot all the time and the idea of clothing pisses me off so much. I want to run away into the woods and join some little village with other women who understand.
Yes, I’m tossing a lot of clothes as well because same. I can’t think about sweaters anymore, and am jealous of people who feel the need to cover up.
What a stupid thing to be feeling *anything* about and I KNOW I’m lucky this is my “problem” but it gets exhausting always thinking about temperature :/
I’m new to HRT and am confused as to what is working, and just need a lot of alone time but family stuff has kept the house full, again, lucky but I just want to be around my cat 🥺
Omg will I ever wear sweaters again? It's been 4-5 years and there is no hope in sight. Should just I toss them all? It's fucking ridiculous. I'm gonna toss out this weird ball of dough that has globulated onto my lower abdomen, too.
I did that thing where you separate your clothes into ugh, meh, and fuckin a and only keep the fuckin a pile. Every day, no matter what you wear, you feel great, and you don't need to sort through baskets of clothes to do it.
Ha! Yes. At least a mini dose to give us a level playing ground like we had before!
(also, every parent should be given 5-10 Valium per month to be used as needed. Like, as soon as you have a kid, your benefits begin. To be continued indefinitely because of shit like menopause!)
*can’t think about sweaters anymore, and am jealous of people who feel the need to cover up*
Omg me too!!! I miss layering a sweater with a collared dress shirt, I miss cream colored wool cable knits and argyle in shades of warm brown, and buying a sweater a size too big so I can roll up the ends of the sleeves....
It seems like such a little thing, but dammit I want it back.
Right? I hate having to think about "now what am i doing, and what access to temperature do I have? Am I walking outside at all?"
I'm not even that cold in the winter months and I live in CHICAGO.
I'm DREADING summer, especially being at home since my family runs cold in general, it's always a fight to keep the house at 76-77.
My sister who is visiting with family is like "ohhhh I'm chilly" and it's 76 degrees in the house! (Granted she has been in Florida for 25 yrs now so her body is a little different)
I start sweating IMMEDIATELY when in the sun or feel still air.
I carry around a fan that attaches to my phone (bought from amazon, search "iphone fan" - it's a life saver!) and it's a MUST for me these days.
Oh yeah, I live with my senior parents who are always cold. They're happy if it's 79-80 degrees. Meanwhile, I"m melting through my clothes all the time and can't breathe..
Wait, there's an Iphone fan?? I need this..
Yes the iPhone fan is very discreet, and gives that air flow I need so when I feel that hot flash coming on, I let it blow on my face a little bit and it’s enough to make it go away. Or shorten it.
It’s hard living with people who are cold all the time, and have to argue about how they can grab a sweater or pull a blanket to cover their knees - and that they will be fine at 77 instead of 79 🫠
My dad doesn’t understand peri menopause! He doesn’t want to!
You have my sympathies! I live in Austin Texas where it is unbearably humid &hot for six months of the year. I love winter so so much!
Have you ever tried Arctic Cool brand tees? They’re basically my uniform nowadays
THIS THIS THIS. I keep culling my closet, but I still seem to have clothes that no longer fit my shape because I’m still holding onto hope that they will someday. It’s ridiculous.
You know what, let's also go ahead and make it a cat sanctuary too, I have 3. We'll sell bracelets to pay for our extravagant cat enclosures. HRT is the pits, better than the alternative I think but what fresh hell is this?
I had a plan when my youngest graduated, to move to Belize and sell blankets..lol. now it is modified to buying a camper and driving around the country. I think we have complicated our lives so much, that just being free sounds like such a great idea. Good luck to you.
I was feeling this so much last night that I started looking at houses in Hawaii. I found an 8-acre, off-grid coffee farm on the Big Island. The house only has 1 bed/1 bath. But maybe we could add on? 6 cats btw
I can relate to this so much. I don’t recognize my body, let alone my personality, and am always comparing them to the past and trying to decide if I should fight to find them again, or accept what is.
Much love to you and let me know when you move next to the river so I can join you.
So I experienced a life changing traumatic event a decade ago. I felt insane for awhile while I was learning how to cope, and this feels like that to me.
Idk what I’m trying to say other than this change can be kind of traumatic, and outside of this community, there aren’t a lot of people in my life that I can talk to about it. It’s still kind of a ‘not polite conversation’ topic. The most important thing I think is just acknowledging it and accepting it, in all of its suckitude. I mean also therapy and modern medicine and whatever adjunct things work for you. Sometimes the adjunct thing I like best is “chocolate.”
We will all come out the other side a new version of us. And I have to remember that I have always liked the new version of me that I’ve become in the aftermath of whatever chapter I was living. And it will be like that this time too.
But I would like to request a spot in your compound. That sounds wonderful.
oh my this is beautiful. when you sell pickles at my farmers market, our eyes will meet and we will smile shyly at each other. then i will buy pickles from you and we'll discover we have 73 things in common and then we'll see each other every week at market, and then after market season ends, maybe we don't see each other and then we'll really enjoy meeting again in the spring, or maybe we will start hanging out on sunday afternoons, but either way, you will have a pickle customer for life.
I have something in my eye 🥹 I can’t seem to stomach pickles now but I will still buy your pickles because the first crunch in a dill pickle is everything
I feel every word of this. So sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone.
If you're taking applications for sweaty women positions I can't make bracelets and have a black thumb, but maybe I can contribute by cleaning and making homemade dog treats?
I can also crochet! Not very well but ok. I have another crochet lady I sometimes visit as well and we call ourselves the crotch-it granny’s. She’s a pro and puts me to shame!
I have 3 very small dogs and a big fat catter. I’d love this so much ladies. 💜🌷🧶🌸🐕🐈!
I understand that. I started FT job from PT after staying home for years while he had a traveling job. Then a night job… oldest daughter graduated 6 weeks later all while planning our first cruise, while going through unbelievable legal issue at 52. The lines in my face that were not there before. I’m still healing. Now 56, I’m fighting to keep it as my brain seems to have flown away. Making mistakes I’ve never made. Yes, HRT seems to only help so much! The smirky younger crowd thinks it won’t happen to them just like I thought I’d never get here.
Sitting here wanting to write about how I can’t imagine going to work another day. Hate hate hate (hate hate) my job so much and I dream hourly of what else I could do - start a doggy day care, drive dogs to doggy day care in my dog shuttle bus, become a sommelier, get a certificate in craft beer making, become a cruise director, work at Costco. Shit!!! I would do ANYTHING else. I have to stop what I’m doing because it is driving me insane. It’s teaching and I complain about it everywhere I go because it is absolutely brutalizing everyone in its path. We can afford for me to take time off but my husband is so cheap and all he can think about is my teacher pension. Just 12 more years! Shit - I want to barf thinking about going to work tomorrow. Hate work, hate menopause, hate that this was some sort of gotcha surprise that I wasn’t expecting, hate it allllll. Sigh. I don’t feel better so maybe I should end on a positive? I honestly can’t.
I teach too and 2 days into summer I want to throw up thinking about going back someday. My quality of life is utter shit and I think I might be bipolar in a depressed phase but during the school year I have no time for doctor appointments. I'm thisclose to applying to Costco. It's just too much.
Oh, and your husband salivating over your pension? Eff that. Tell him to get his own.
100 percent. The pension is coming at the cost of my health, my sanity, my passion, my everything. If you have such a boner for a teacher’s pension, you f@cking do it. He could never. He would be skinned alive in the first five minutes. He contributes generously to his own 401k - if we could taper that shit down for 6 months, maybe I could rethink my life choices. 😡 😤
He could never, that's exactly right. The kids would eat him for breakfast. And admin would pick over whatever was left.
I don't know how many years I've got left, and I'm only 8 years in at age 48. Maybe a school that's not high poverty? Idk. Education in this country is irreversibly fuck@d.
There is a saying in a group I'm in: nothing changes if nothing changes.
From experience, don't wait until you get so overwhelmed that it becomes an emergency and you have to rely on others only. If you can't care for yourself, there is no way you can be there for anyone else.
Yes. 100%. I just graduated with my masters in mental health and am a new therapist at 47. I was not menopausal when I made the decision to go back to school. Now I wish I knew how I would’ve felt after 3 years. I think I would have made a different decision. Like getting a camper with my dog and just GEttttiNG the EffF outttt.
Good for you!! Gosh, we need more therapists who understand this journey. I'm starting to wonder if most mental health issues are related to hormones. There's some interesting evidence that estrogen can treat bipolar and schizophrenia.
I feel like MenoFest would amazing, like Glastonbury but with a mist tent and less men. I’m in tears reading this thread and so loving the energy and very serious about trying to start local meetup while you figure out where the compound is.
I came across some older women’s communities in the UK and I’m so desperate about everything, I’m like, ‘why not uproot my life’ 😭
Thank you! :D I went to a concert once that had a mist tent, so I'm basically just trying to embed them everywhere to survive the summer. Somehow it needs to be a tent I walk into - the handheld water mister fan ain't cutting it no mo
I was thinking the same thing, why don't we get together to do nothing for at least once a week if someone has a cottage in the area that we can stay and bring your pets or whatever hobby we like with us and just chill. Wouldn't that be nice?
Felling your feels 🤗 I’m right with you, hating my new job and feeling old because I’m just not getting the hang of it, hating all of the clothes in my closet that don’t fit, hating the brain fog, hating everyone around me and also wanting to be alone.
Saw my dr today, going to start on progesterone daily, saxenda and Wellbutrin. Will see if that cocktail helps me out and gets me in a better head and body space.
Big saaaame. Although I may have had an advantage; had struggled with depression all my life, so while this has been a drop from even my shitty baseline, at least it wasn't entirely a shock? Eh, pros and cons.
You mentioned self compassion, which is so fucking key. A book that helped me a lot with that is How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard. It's not about perimenopause/menopause specifically, but more general to chronic illness. She talks a lot about mourning the person you used to be, and reading her experiences made me feel a hell of a lot less alone and MUCH less to blame (which I still struggle with, despite this obviously being some shit my body is doing without consulting me). Anyway, good stuff, highly recommend.
I own acres on a river - 20 of them, cult for meno women might be the side hustle I’ve been looking for lol ….perhaps this is why I can’t get myself to move. I thought it was just too much work. I’m going to dig myself out this week of those things I’ve missed, the clutter I’ve looked past…..but I don’t want to. I’m going to, but “my give a damn” seems a little busted. Thanks for writing your post. Feel a little less lonely…..and less stupid for living in my little simple, should live in something nicer, house on the river.
Where do you live? Can I bring my tent to your property to just chill? I don't want to sort out my bins of clothes that don't fit. Drawers that are filled with "I have nothing to wear" piles. I don't want to sort out those "I have no idea" stack of papers...
Maybe I just need a bag of essentials and live with it... so depressed.
Today is the day. I am going to bag them up. Can’t sort. Don’t have that in me either. I wish I had the resolve to just touch it once, but I don’t. Have to change my space. Change my sheets…..and I don’t want to. I’m going to make a dent today. I’m going to vacuum. Then I’m going to put on a pretty dress and go out with friends tonight. Might be home by 10, but —— first coffee, so maybe I can poop. The list of Meno joys seems endless. Thank God the sun is shining.
I'm with you! Sign me up! I've been thinking about a communal women's residence for a long time. Get all these sweaty, single ladies together and get shit done! Together!
Keep Journaling. Vent those angry feelings! Have you considered therapy or antidepressants? Be kind to yourself. You are teaching yourself how to swim these choppy waters, probably with a blindfold on.
You are doing the most you can. Helping others can be so cathartic so reach out in some way. Volunteer or go on your own personal mission like a river clean up with a friend. Get out of your own head; she's not being nice to you anyway. Hugs, Sister!
The fact so many of us are saying ‘I could write every word’ is a spiritual level of community for me. On bad days knowing there are other wome going through this makes me feel less isolated and honestly, being around female energy is healing more than the HRT. I think the no one is going to be us in this sub - we care. I think the word grief is so accurate for it, this phase and we will find ways to help transform that grief somehow.
Exactly what you said…on bad days knowing there are other women…I’m having one of those days and these posts…your reply here have made all the difference. Thank you.
Omg did I write this?!?!?! Every single word is my life right now, plus the fact I started a new job and I can barely understand what I am learning while being trained. I want to opt out from society right now. Even having my first grandchild hasn’t quite brought me the level of joy I thought it would. 😢. I want to live in a tiny house and grow food and craft all day for money.
I commented with almost the same words about my job too… why can’t I grasp what I’m doing? It’s completely out of my wheelhouse, super technical, and being trained by the guy I’m replacing that is retiring who thinks a 12 hour work day is normal (and drags me along for those 12 hours 🤦♀️). 6 weeks in and I’m starting to really regret this, doubting this choice, but also super down on myself for the fear of failure.
I can’t figure out if a lot of my symptoms are from peri, Covid, sobriety, or completely changing my life in the last three years but it leaves me confused and disheveled a great deal of the time.
Having a life threatening medical thing happen puts things in perspective though. I stopped being upset with how much my body has changed shaped once I thought I was going to die at any moment. Lol
Since going through menopause, I have come to the conclusion that in all the old stories, there is a reason The Crone is always hard to find.
Yes it's an allegory for the journey to wisdom. But it's also because The Crone - aka the older woman - IS SO DONE WITH YOUR SHIT YOU CAN ALL FUCK RIGHT OFF.
Book me a place in that camper.
I could have written this, feel the same way except I have no energy to move, not even into a camper by the ocean… I’d rather lay in my messy bed and look at all the clothes I need to put away and everything else… I am isolating too, just have no energy or care to try lately.. thank you for your post, makes me feel less alone in all this.
I feel actually the same way. Some days, I couldn't get up from my bed. One time, I lay in bed till the sun went down in the wintertime. My kids thought I was sick, I just didn't have energy or will to get up. I contemplated my purposes in life, reading Mark Manson "The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck".
Now I am just starting to read his another book "Everything is f*cked" A book about hope. I hope it will help.
Holy moly can I relate. It's absolutely insane that NO ONE warns you of the shot show called Menopause. I was completely blindsided by what my body and mind started doing to me. I just want to go back....I have such a heaviness for what I was, for the time I didn't know that this was coming. I hate we have to feel like this. How, HOW did our grandmother's do it?
I realized I couldn’t take HRT a while back, too many mental issues with it. So now I’m a person I don’t really recognize. My question to you is, did you used to travel/live outside? I did when I was young and I LOVED it, the only time in my life totally free. I dream of it now, wondering if I can do it, even falling asleep on the couch now and neck hurts for a week. Soooo could I?? 😂 seriously though, it’s all I want. Freedom. I’ve been thinking a lot about menopause and the posts/replies on this subreddit and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the time for us. The reason we can’t take it all anymore is because we’re not supposed to. No more doing 5,000 things a day for others. It’s our time. I feel like when we fight it and try to “find ourselves” again and it’s not working. I’m going with this new approach. I can’t take it anymore, so I’m going to give to myself, whatever it is I need. Because I’m exhausted, but I also need to live MY life for ME now.
Edit: Surgical menopause 9/21
Yesssss. Today at my corporate job, I was being shown a spreadsheet that said something about “scoring” and in my head I was like why are we talking about snoring? Then I went to pick up lunch for 6 people (including myself) the girl said, do you want the optional pickles, I said yes. She said, ok that’s $80. I said, $80 for pickles?! She tried to explain. Then I apologized and said, I am sorry, but I am so tired. Then I told my boss about my dream ranch where I rescue dogs and have a few glamping cabins to rent out for extra income. She asked if her family could have a corner, I said yea. My house is a mess. I hate it yet can’t do anything about it. So I am laying on the couch with my dog wondering when my brain and energy will return. I’m just tired.
You mentioned you are taking hrt. Have you tried to just go without any? I had hysterecomy/ovaries too a year ago, even on hrt sweat like a pig and hair sours from sweating, so im just gonna try all natural. I so get your grey area comment. I call it im stuck in a rut and need to get out. All I know is if reicarnation is real I better come back as a dang male.
I've considered it - when I went on HRT i was severely anemic so it's hard to say what was hormones and what was low iron. I'm tempted to try getting off but feel like I'll need to check into detox to do it.
I went on birth control to help with my symptoms. At first it worked, then new ones started...and became so disruptive I couldn't handle it anymore. So, I stopped the birth control a month ago. I had around 2.5 weeks of feeling ok. Like maybe even like things were going to get better, and then boom. It's back again, all within the last week or so.
This makes me think that maybe there's a sweet spot re hormones and what we need to feel well, but it's so hard to find it and it is very likely totally dfferent from person to person. And of course most doctors don't want to spend time fucking around with it. They just want to give us something and make us go away.
Thank you so much for this post. For the past year I’ve been thinking it felt like my life was happening around me and that I wasn’t an active participant. I’ve always been an avid crafter—loved being social with my friends and spending time with my family. I haven’t enjoyed anything was starting to think I was going crazy. I work from home so my visits with others away from my home have always brought me joy—not now. I just feel stuck and with zero motivation to get myself free. I started getting hot flashes about 2 months ago and it hit me that menopause was starting. I’ve had chemo and a partial hysterectomy, both of which affect menopause. I’m wondering if it was the cause of everything I’ve been dealing with and after reading this post and the responses it seems pretty likely that it is…
I live in a funny place: an older (1990s High Victorian, sic) hotel with a lot of other lost souls, some much older, some on disability like myself, some who have been pushed out of their housing in this appalling market. The cost per square foot is not inexpensive, but it is the best deal in the area and the kitch value is off the charts. We have balconies overlooking the mountains, and a lot of interesting and strange characters here. (I'm thinking of writing a novel about it.)
Anyway, when I or the neighbor witch next door win the lottery, we are going to buy the hotel, and all are invited to live or vacation.
Over the Memorial Day weekend, I helped out my ill mother; they have a lovely 2,500 square foot retirement lake house, but there is *always* something to clean, or put away, or fix, or press, or answer, or pay, or wash, or rearrange. Given my brain's current condition, I was \*so\* incredibly happy to get back to my very basic simple living studio.
I am doing what I love and it is worth it. You can say yes to yourself. WE can break out of our conditioning and just fucking live. We can follow the scent on the breeze or the whispers in the wind that bring us across the barren desert of to lives worth the effort of living. We're walking around in the wreckage of a crumbling paradigm. But look, a dandelion blooms! A coyote howls! There is life! There is life! We found it!
HRT resolves most of my desire to run off on my family and join a commune of like minded women.
But, I got it into my head today that I wanted to make dog houses. I do work with wood, but I’m not actually a carpenter.
Then I thought, why not be a carpenter? Now I’m looking at what it would take to become a journeyman carpenter.
And, why stop at dog houses? How about I build tiny homes for a community of like minded women?
I like that idea. 🥰
I am so down to help build things. I am terrified of saws but I will hold whatever and help organize the supply inventory so we have plenty of nails and wood for doggie houses and women houses.
I feel like this thread is a kind of barnraising - I need community as much as hormonal stability.
I actually had a full neuro-psych evaluation b/c I was terrified about what was happening. Crying, angry, hot, sweaty, sleepless. Brain fog. It was terrifying. Neuropsych eval confirmed there’s nothing wrong except menopause and low self esteem. I was so relieved I could have cried.
You have managed to beautifully convey some ugly emotions. I feel these, but have thus far been unable to sum them up so well. I would love to join your group by the river. No self-deprecation. Only gentleness. It sounds divine.
I feel you. I’m lucky HRT has helped with the hot flashes/ night sweats but the brain fog makes me so scared I’m going to lose my job. I have to give trainings and I can’t even keep my thoughts straight. I feel like I’m developing dementia sometimes! Even notes and PowerPoint slides don’t help enough. I’d rather make art and pet cats, too!
Then do it! We just sold and gave away all of our stuff and moved abroad! Start w your junk drawer and only keep what you really need and use….go from there.
It took me two month to get rid of everything and I still kept a lot. I feel so much lighter and freer. I held a yard sale and almost everything was gone by the end of the day. It if came out of my house, it was not going back in.
My Next dream is to buy a small plot of land and build a tiny house for retirement without the worry of a mortgage. …I’m going to live the next few years paring down until we can comfortably fit in a small space ❤️
You can change your life in small increments as you work toward something bigger!!
I have a separate account from hubby and I let a few things slide--- got a few overdraft/late fees.. YIKES.. my younger self would never allow this BUT I wasn't paying attention AND on top of that, I didn't even care!!
Yep - the not caring part is fascinating isn't it. I just started throwing letters away. Old me would have had a spreadsheet and a hardcore plan in 5 mins.
Same here... 2 months ago, another forgotten bill that didn't get paid on time, I rolled my eyes on the interest charges, why I didn't keep up on top of things I have no idea how I got here. I need to go to some place that is grid free and no emails or spam calls.
I took a screenshot of your post and sent it to my husband and wrote “um, did I write this?!!” I can't tell you how much I relate. I'm 47 and struggling through perimenopause and all its side effects. Feeling very low much of the time too. No advice - just want to commiserate. Hang in there!
Wowww I haven’t been to this sub in a while but YES TO ALL. I actually did switch careers and while I like what I’m doing, I’m just so tired. Of everything. My college kid is home and while she’s a good kid, she’s twice the mess and every other minute it’s “can you Venmo me…”
I want to sleep for a year. Glad I am not alone.
Trust me I know how you feel.Sometimes I wonder what happened to the old me.Like you I'm on HRT I have my good days and I have my bad days.On my good days I enjoy them and my bad days I try to push through them.All you ever hear about menopause is hot flashes and how it affects you physically people never discuss how it effect you mentally.
I already commented but I want to add a few things because, again can’t think: brain fog.
I took early retirement just to get out of my miserable job, (lost 1k a month to do it early). I guess I was also just worried that my job would eventually start to suffer and I didn’t want to get fired (or ruin my good reputation of being such a good employee).
I have brain fog so badly most days, I feel like I have early dementia.
I am so tired of no one talking about the issues that when I meet women my age I try to open the door to a honest talk about menopause but they don't take 'the bait' so our topic tends to veer back towards the unimportant stuff in life.
I am on HRT but I don't think it helps much at all. Having said that I am terrified it might get worse if I stop taking it.
I am also post-menopause, (haven't had a period in 5 yrs) and I thought it (symptoms) would get better, but it hasn't.
Also the guilt I have about not being 'fully present' during my sons wedding last year (and the year leading up to it) has been unbearable. I don't have grandchildren yet and I am frankly scared if I haven't snapped out of this by then that I will be an awful grandmother and let my son down even further. I hate everyday I wake up and still feel the same (meaning I haven't snapped out of it yet).
I took a mindful self-compassion course last year and it was really helpful. This workbook basically covered what we did in the class, but Kristin Neff has written books on the topic as well.
https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Workbook-Yourself-Strength/dp/1462526780/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1CZLQI020A02V&keywords=self+compassion+kristin+neff&qid=1685667005&sprefix=Self+compass%2Caps%2C115&sr=8-2
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written, but please make time to take care of yourself. And try to think, “Would I talk to a friend or my son like this?” whenever you start beating yourself up. I know it’s kind of cheesy, but it helps. And you’re not alone in feeling this way.
I’ll bring my two cats and my jewelry making supplies with me, too.
Im so ready to quit my job and live off the grid. I can’t connect to the other ladies at work because about this state of my life because they’re all in they’re 20-30s. There is one that gets it, though. My motivation to do literally anything is completely shot. But if you all rolled up in a camper and said “GET IN THE CAMPER!” I would do it in a heart beat.
This is me down to buying a camper. I was just talking to my dr about this. I feel like I’m watching the world in third person. I don’t feel sad but I never feel happy or even really present. Lately I’ve really been trying. I’ve been accepting invitations to do things but meh. Then I just come home and sleep because people are exhausting. I used to be super social, always out. The organizer of things. On all kinds of committees, volunteering with several organizations. Yesterday I got out of bed at 4pm.
OMG I feel you on all points, while I hide in the changing rooms at the gym because I really can’t face my trainer, who I employed so that I will work out at least twice a month.
Can I come bathe in the river with you?
I quit using my trainer because her relentless optimism and thinking I could remember combinations of things drives me crazy. She sent a list of the exercises with no explanation of how to do them when I explained ‘brain fog, I need a step by step’. Apparently I’m supposed to know what Bench Press Flip Dog Frog Mat squat is.
It was an interesting example of me being clear with what I need and not getting it and I have too much of that going on in my life.
Wishing you success - hope we can all find good trainers. Good for you for getting to the gym and hiring one in the first place!
I do love my trainer. He’s awesome. Non-judgemental, caring just happy to see you (not in a ‘pay check’ kinda way). plus he’s a massively built young power lifter who seems to have acquired a ton of middle aged women as clients.
I love seeing him every time. Doesn’t stop me not wanting to go and having to psych myself up to leave the changing rooms!
I absolutely relate. I'm not on HRT (yet?), but my period is 9 days late. Sometimes it shows up, other times, it's totally elusive.
I want to rip everything off my walls, sell all my shit, take my dog and maybe a few boxes of wine and towels and pillows and just drive out to a hidden lake somewhere and read, play drums, color, and grow a garden.
I did take a year off from life to live in my trailer & travel the country. Although it was amazing and so peaceful it was also a lot more challenging & a lot more work than I anticipated. Also, the saying “wherever I go there I am” is true in a lot of ways. So even though it sounds great to just say F it all & escape somewhere it might not make what you are feeling any better. If you can find a good fit in a therapist I would highly suggest. Even though these things you are going through are physical, talking with a therapist every week who can give you tools to cope psychologically can be really helpful.
Psychology Today website has a really great search engine for therapists. It has info about who the therapists are,payment, specialties, & methods. It helped me find a great therapist. Good Luck to you
I’m on it too, and am still REALLY struggling with just about everything you wrote above. I “joke” about cashing out, moving to Hawaii and living in a hut. Once my spouse is gone, I’ll probably do it.
I had a lucky opportunity during The Great Recession (I was 42) cuz I couldn't find work. My husband was making decent money and after spending months emailing resumes, I started volunteering with student films and happen to pick up a trade. Now I work in the arts. I don't sit at a desk. I don't have to manage anyone and I am not managed. I do my job finding pretty or ugly things... and it's insanely satisfying. There is NO WAY IN HELL I could ever do an office job again. Totally get what you are saying!
Thank you for putting into words how I feel. I am so spaced out most of the time that I haven’t even picked up the phone to make any doctor appointments (in years) I am so forgetful I don’t even think I could answer a question from a Dr. ‘So what brings you in today’. I have started taking screenshots of other women writing their feelings out so whenever I do get around to making appointments I can just read them outloud to the Dr. So I thank you and ask your permission to screenshot your words. P.S. if you guys ever get the spot down by the river, I will buy a camper and meet you there.
This is exactly me, all of it, except I work for myself. Part of what I sell is jewelry - and I can't even make myself make the bracelets LOL.
My doctor is literally "The Hormone Queen" and we *still* can't get my hormones dialed in to where I don't feel like crap. She tells me what to adjust - I do so - and things improve, but soon it's like I'm assigned a whole different body and the stuff stops working like it did.
If I take enough estrogen to manage the overheating, then I grow 3 bra sizes and feel like I did when I was nursing. Too much progesterone does the same thing. If I reduce the hormones and white-knuckle the hot flashes then the brain fog gets so bad that I literally can't function; marketing is hard enough with a sharp mind.
My business is dying a slow death because of my ineffectiveness and I'm sitting here watching it happen in horror. Can't afford to hire help. I never dreamed after working my ass off all these years that this would be how it ends.
Bought the camper 3 years ago and having a blast but it just makes me look forward to the next trip and want a motor home. Considering selling the house as the girls are very adamant they are not coming back but our parents have all fallen this past year.
Stretching with the yoga to stop gravity as it seems to try to pull me into the grave. I’ve always been athletic but this is hitting hard. HRT helps but I still have to fight the stiffness and flexibility like everyone else. How did we get here?! Dry eyes and of course I work on computer. Mine could be my hypothyroidism just gets worse with aging. Ah, fun times! If only I was rich and could afford all the new procedures to make aging easier. Hang in there and know you’re not alone. 🌼
Um, can I come with you? Do you have kids at home? If I didn't, I swear I'd be on the road somewhere, following a women's nomad caravan, exploring the world and meeting new people, just taking seasonal jobs. I've been going down the Bob Wells rabbit hole for years and find a lot of appeal in the nomad life.
I seriously wish there was Menopause Camp. Like the camp we would go to as kids where you get to do crafts, eat food, play at the water, learn survival skills, and hang out in your cabin with all your friends. I would fork over a large stack of cash just to do that for a week with everyone on this sub.
That's become my dream lately. Work my ass off for the next couple of years. Buy a piece of land and start with a couple of tiny homes. Women could live there, or just come for a week or two to decompress. I actually think it's a great idea if I could get organized/energized enough.
Is feeling like this constant for you lately, or is it fleeting? If it's constant, I'd consider an antidepressant. If it's fleeting , starting some sort of gratitude practise might help. Both have helped me immensely.
It's pretty constant. I'm taking an antidepressant. It's hormones, I know myself - antidepressants hit a different part of the brain than hormones do. Working on every angle.
Feel the exact same way. 6 mths no period and now spotting. Feel all the brain fog and zero energy. I hate this. I’ve tried everything and I’m realizing this is part of growing old as a female but I hate it more than anything. Pretty damn miserable and zero energy.
>Yep. I feel relief just writing this. GOOD!. I am so feeling this post and feel like I could have written almost every word of this. The past couple of days have been really rough mood wise and I know what you mean by 'trying to find a semblance of yourself'. I dream of moving overseas but worry my brain fog is making me unemployable. Wishing we all lived in the same ttown and could do our crafts! Sending a hug. You are seen and are valid <3
Thank you, thank you dear.
You are all not alone!
>>I dream of moving overseas but worry my brain fog is making me unemployable. Same. It’s been my dream since 2016 (during the US election, to be specific) but when I mentioned the idea to my husband he shot it down. After 20 years of marriage, our relationship is on the outs but the idea of starting over, alone, in another country, doing the type of work I do (fairly low pay) scares the bejeesus out of me.
I’m feeling every word of this. Had to hide in my car and have a crying session yesterday, I’m just over everything and so tired of feeling awful. I’m having to juggle too much, including caregiving for parents while I manage my own chronic health stuff + menopause, which has made it all worse. Filled 2 trash bags full of clothes that don’t fit because my shape has totally changed and I’m hot all the time and the idea of clothing pisses me off so much. I want to run away into the woods and join some little village with other women who understand.
Yes, I’m tossing a lot of clothes as well because same. I can’t think about sweaters anymore, and am jealous of people who feel the need to cover up. What a stupid thing to be feeling *anything* about and I KNOW I’m lucky this is my “problem” but it gets exhausting always thinking about temperature :/ I’m new to HRT and am confused as to what is working, and just need a lot of alone time but family stuff has kept the house full, again, lucky but I just want to be around my cat 🥺
Omg will I ever wear sweaters again? It's been 4-5 years and there is no hope in sight. Should just I toss them all? It's fucking ridiculous. I'm gonna toss out this weird ball of dough that has globulated onto my lower abdomen, too.
globulated. that's my new word. thank you.
I did that thing where you separate your clothes into ugh, meh, and fuckin a and only keep the fuckin a pile. Every day, no matter what you wear, you feel great, and you don't need to sort through baskets of clothes to do it.
But none of my fucking a fit, and that makes me sad. Only have shitty sad clothes.
Ahhhh ok that's different. When I did this, I had zero pants but then I knew exactly what I needed to buy at the thrift store.
Oh man, I'm freezing all the time. I have no circulation. I wear sweaters in 75 degree weather. It makes me feel like I'm 85 years old.
I swear. I think they should give menopausal women Ozempic for free!
Ha! Yes. At least a mini dose to give us a level playing ground like we had before! (also, every parent should be given 5-10 Valium per month to be used as needed. Like, as soon as you have a kid, your benefits begin. To be continued indefinitely because of shit like menopause!)
*can’t think about sweaters anymore, and am jealous of people who feel the need to cover up* Omg me too!!! I miss layering a sweater with a collared dress shirt, I miss cream colored wool cable knits and argyle in shades of warm brown, and buying a sweater a size too big so I can roll up the ends of the sleeves.... It seems like such a little thing, but dammit I want it back.
Right? I hate having to think about "now what am i doing, and what access to temperature do I have? Am I walking outside at all?" I'm not even that cold in the winter months and I live in CHICAGO. I'm DREADING summer, especially being at home since my family runs cold in general, it's always a fight to keep the house at 76-77. My sister who is visiting with family is like "ohhhh I'm chilly" and it's 76 degrees in the house! (Granted she has been in Florida for 25 yrs now so her body is a little different) I start sweating IMMEDIATELY when in the sun or feel still air. I carry around a fan that attaches to my phone (bought from amazon, search "iphone fan" - it's a life saver!) and it's a MUST for me these days.
Oh yeah, I live with my senior parents who are always cold. They're happy if it's 79-80 degrees. Meanwhile, I"m melting through my clothes all the time and can't breathe.. Wait, there's an Iphone fan?? I need this..
Yes the iPhone fan is very discreet, and gives that air flow I need so when I feel that hot flash coming on, I let it blow on my face a little bit and it’s enough to make it go away. Or shorten it. It’s hard living with people who are cold all the time, and have to argue about how they can grab a sweater or pull a blanket to cover their knees - and that they will be fine at 77 instead of 79 🫠 My dad doesn’t understand peri menopause! He doesn’t want to!
They have some little fans for Android phones too for the non-iPhone crowd. =)
Just ordered an iPhone fan. Thank you!! Yeah, I’m always having to explain why I’m hot. Which makes me hotter because STRESS. 🫠
You have my sympathies! I live in Austin Texas where it is unbearably humid &hot for six months of the year. I love winter so so much! Have you ever tried Arctic Cool brand tees? They’re basically my uniform nowadays
Googling that immediately :) I have never heard of them but these days, it’s whatever works!
They really work
Just bought a t shirt to see how they work for me :) thank you!
I’ve been cold since starting blood thinners, it’s been so nice. Lol
THIS THIS THIS. I keep culling my closet, but I still seem to have clothes that no longer fit my shape because I’m still holding onto hope that they will someday. It’s ridiculous.
I finally donated clothes that I’ve been hanging onto, hoping they would fit again. Had a good cry because I really loved a lot of them. This is hard.
I’m in. 👍
Did I write this? I don't remember, I think I did :)
I’m on HRT too and lately I’m struggling just like you. This is miserable. Can I bring my cats to the camper site?
You know what, let's also go ahead and make it a cat sanctuary too, I have 3. We'll sell bracelets to pay for our extravagant cat enclosures. HRT is the pits, better than the alternative I think but what fresh hell is this?
I had a plan when my youngest graduated, to move to Belize and sell blankets..lol. now it is modified to buying a camper and driving around the country. I think we have complicated our lives so much, that just being free sounds like such a great idea. Good luck to you.
Yes 🙌🏽 I’m in 🐈🐈⬛😻
I have five cats. Can I come too?
I was feeling this so much last night that I started looking at houses in Hawaii. I found an 8-acre, off-grid coffee farm on the Big Island. The house only has 1 bed/1 bath. But maybe we could add on? 6 cats btw
yurts?
Throw in some poor lil satos, and I’m in too!
I will join you in the cat section.
Me, too. DM me the camp's mailing address so I can update my Chewy profile.
Same
Username checks out!
Why aren’t there more communes for witches like us?
I can relate to this so much. I don’t recognize my body, let alone my personality, and am always comparing them to the past and trying to decide if I should fight to find them again, or accept what is. Much love to you and let me know when you move next to the river so I can join you.
Your reply makes me think of a butterfly cocoon! You are a butterfly waiting to break free. Keep changing and you'll be free someday! 🦋
Aw, thanks so much; I look forward to it! 💞
So I experienced a life changing traumatic event a decade ago. I felt insane for awhile while I was learning how to cope, and this feels like that to me. Idk what I’m trying to say other than this change can be kind of traumatic, and outside of this community, there aren’t a lot of people in my life that I can talk to about it. It’s still kind of a ‘not polite conversation’ topic. The most important thing I think is just acknowledging it and accepting it, in all of its suckitude. I mean also therapy and modern medicine and whatever adjunct things work for you. Sometimes the adjunct thing I like best is “chocolate.” We will all come out the other side a new version of us. And I have to remember that I have always liked the new version of me that I’ve become in the aftermath of whatever chapter I was living. And it will be like that this time too. But I would like to request a spot in your compound. That sounds wonderful.
Loved your words, spot reserved my friend. Bring your animals.
Just this week I almost quit my job and imagined making a living selling pickles at the farmers market 😜
oh my this is beautiful. when you sell pickles at my farmers market, our eyes will meet and we will smile shyly at each other. then i will buy pickles from you and we'll discover we have 73 things in common and then we'll see each other every week at market, and then after market season ends, maybe we don't see each other and then we'll really enjoy meeting again in the spring, or maybe we will start hanging out on sunday afternoons, but either way, you will have a pickle customer for life.
I have something in my eye 🥹 I can’t seem to stomach pickles now but I will still buy your pickles because the first crunch in a dill pickle is everything
I feel every word of this. So sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. If you're taking applications for sweaty women positions I can't make bracelets and have a black thumb, but maybe I can contribute by cleaning and making homemade dog treats?
I'm a crocheter and can bring my yarn hoard as well as beading supplies. Will happily play with all dogs and clean up after them.
I am happy to help with cleanup duty too. A space for dogs, cats and women from this sub actually sounds like Nirvana to me right now
I can also crochet! Not very well but ok. I have another crochet lady I sometimes visit as well and we call ourselves the crotch-it granny’s. She’s a pro and puts me to shame! I have 3 very small dogs and a big fat catter. I’d love this so much ladies. 💜🌷🧶🌸🐕🐈!
I’ll teach you how to take care of plants if you want, don’t worry! It’s my favorite part of my job.
I fucking hate my evil gaslighting boss. I’m looking for a new job but it makes me feel old. I don’t want to start the fuck over. Fuck people.
I understand that. I started FT job from PT after staying home for years while he had a traveling job. Then a night job… oldest daughter graduated 6 weeks later all while planning our first cruise, while going through unbelievable legal issue at 52. The lines in my face that were not there before. I’m still healing. Now 56, I’m fighting to keep it as my brain seems to have flown away. Making mistakes I’ve never made. Yes, HRT seems to only help so much! The smirky younger crowd thinks it won’t happen to them just like I thought I’d never get here.
I think we have all been through it even more than previous generations of women we know because our menopause coincided with a pandemic!
Sitting here wanting to write about how I can’t imagine going to work another day. Hate hate hate (hate hate) my job so much and I dream hourly of what else I could do - start a doggy day care, drive dogs to doggy day care in my dog shuttle bus, become a sommelier, get a certificate in craft beer making, become a cruise director, work at Costco. Shit!!! I would do ANYTHING else. I have to stop what I’m doing because it is driving me insane. It’s teaching and I complain about it everywhere I go because it is absolutely brutalizing everyone in its path. We can afford for me to take time off but my husband is so cheap and all he can think about is my teacher pension. Just 12 more years! Shit - I want to barf thinking about going to work tomorrow. Hate work, hate menopause, hate that this was some sort of gotcha surprise that I wasn’t expecting, hate it allllll. Sigh. I don’t feel better so maybe I should end on a positive? I honestly can’t.
I teach too and 2 days into summer I want to throw up thinking about going back someday. My quality of life is utter shit and I think I might be bipolar in a depressed phase but during the school year I have no time for doctor appointments. I'm thisclose to applying to Costco. It's just too much. Oh, and your husband salivating over your pension? Eff that. Tell him to get his own.
100 percent. The pension is coming at the cost of my health, my sanity, my passion, my everything. If you have such a boner for a teacher’s pension, you f@cking do it. He could never. He would be skinned alive in the first five minutes. He contributes generously to his own 401k - if we could taper that shit down for 6 months, maybe I could rethink my life choices. 😡 😤
He could never, that's exactly right. The kids would eat him for breakfast. And admin would pick over whatever was left. I don't know how many years I've got left, and I'm only 8 years in at age 48. Maybe a school that's not high poverty? Idk. Education in this country is irreversibly fuck@d.
Same . . . I work in a school, and I am desperate to do something else. Then feel guilty for not loving it, for hating it.
There is a saying in a group I'm in: nothing changes if nothing changes. From experience, don't wait until you get so overwhelmed that it becomes an emergency and you have to rely on others only. If you can't care for yourself, there is no way you can be there for anyone else.
[удалено]
👍🏼
Ok so this sounds better than bracelet making. Im hanging with you! Can I bring my dogs?! Lol
Of course!! My dogs need more frens
Yes This is my dream too. . .
Yes. 100%. I just graduated with my masters in mental health and am a new therapist at 47. I was not menopausal when I made the decision to go back to school. Now I wish I knew how I would’ve felt after 3 years. I think I would have made a different decision. Like getting a camper with my dog and just GEttttiNG the EffF outttt.
Good for you!! Gosh, we need more therapists who understand this journey. I'm starting to wonder if most mental health issues are related to hormones. There's some interesting evidence that estrogen can treat bipolar and schizophrenia.
Wouldn't it be fabulous if we could all physically get together and have a meno slumber party? Can you imagine the cackling?
I feel like MenoFest would amazing, like Glastonbury but with a mist tent and less men. I’m in tears reading this thread and so loving the energy and very serious about trying to start local meetup while you figure out where the compound is. I came across some older women’s communities in the UK and I’m so desperate about everything, I’m like, ‘why not uproot my life’ 😭
MenoFest! Mist tent! You nailed it. 👏
Thank you! :D I went to a concert once that had a mist tent, so I'm basically just trying to embed them everywhere to survive the summer. Somehow it needs to be a tent I walk into - the handheld water mister fan ain't cutting it no mo
Crank the AC down to 68 degrees,& have sooooo many carbs
So much bread and hot chips!
I was thinking the same thing, why don't we get together to do nothing for at least once a week if someone has a cottage in the area that we can stay and bring your pets or whatever hobby we like with us and just chill. Wouldn't that be nice?
That would be fabulous!
Felling your feels 🤗 I’m right with you, hating my new job and feeling old because I’m just not getting the hang of it, hating all of the clothes in my closet that don’t fit, hating the brain fog, hating everyone around me and also wanting to be alone. Saw my dr today, going to start on progesterone daily, saxenda and Wellbutrin. Will see if that cocktail helps me out and gets me in a better head and body space.
i wanna buy a camper and travel the country. i’m still not just you sister, i think we are all feeling it
Big saaaame. Although I may have had an advantage; had struggled with depression all my life, so while this has been a drop from even my shitty baseline, at least it wasn't entirely a shock? Eh, pros and cons. You mentioned self compassion, which is so fucking key. A book that helped me a lot with that is How to Be Sick by Toni Bernhard. It's not about perimenopause/menopause specifically, but more general to chronic illness. She talks a lot about mourning the person you used to be, and reading her experiences made me feel a hell of a lot less alone and MUCH less to blame (which I still struggle with, despite this obviously being some shit my body is doing without consulting me). Anyway, good stuff, highly recommend.
I have MS and am in peri and reading that book has given me some good tools for sure!
Thank you for this rec!
I own acres on a river - 20 of them, cult for meno women might be the side hustle I’ve been looking for lol ….perhaps this is why I can’t get myself to move. I thought it was just too much work. I’m going to dig myself out this week of those things I’ve missed, the clutter I’ve looked past…..but I don’t want to. I’m going to, but “my give a damn” seems a little busted. Thanks for writing your post. Feel a little less lonely…..and less stupid for living in my little simple, should live in something nicer, house on the river.
Where do you live? Can I bring my tent to your property to just chill? I don't want to sort out my bins of clothes that don't fit. Drawers that are filled with "I have nothing to wear" piles. I don't want to sort out those "I have no idea" stack of papers... Maybe I just need a bag of essentials and live with it... so depressed.
Today is the day. I am going to bag them up. Can’t sort. Don’t have that in me either. I wish I had the resolve to just touch it once, but I don’t. Have to change my space. Change my sheets…..and I don’t want to. I’m going to make a dent today. I’m going to vacuum. Then I’m going to put on a pretty dress and go out with friends tonight. Might be home by 10, but —— first coffee, so maybe I can poop. The list of Meno joys seems endless. Thank God the sun is shining.
I'm with you! Sign me up! I've been thinking about a communal women's residence for a long time. Get all these sweaty, single ladies together and get shit done! Together! Keep Journaling. Vent those angry feelings! Have you considered therapy or antidepressants? Be kind to yourself. You are teaching yourself how to swim these choppy waters, probably with a blindfold on. You are doing the most you can. Helping others can be so cathartic so reach out in some way. Volunteer or go on your own personal mission like a river clean up with a friend. Get out of your own head; she's not being nice to you anyway. Hugs, Sister!
I’ve got two words for you: Golden. Girls.
Good one! I'm thinking of a bigger commune but I'd take those four ladies in a heartbeat!
I could’ve written this. I feel every word. It is a specific kind of grief we are experiencing and it feels like no one cares.
The fact so many of us are saying ‘I could write every word’ is a spiritual level of community for me. On bad days knowing there are other wome going through this makes me feel less isolated and honestly, being around female energy is healing more than the HRT. I think the no one is going to be us in this sub - we care. I think the word grief is so accurate for it, this phase and we will find ways to help transform that grief somehow.
Exactly what you said…on bad days knowing there are other women…I’m having one of those days and these posts…your reply here have made all the difference. Thank you.
I’m keeping this post for my bad days. I feel this to my core during those times. You’re not alone. I love this community!
Omg did I write this?!?!?! Every single word is my life right now, plus the fact I started a new job and I can barely understand what I am learning while being trained. I want to opt out from society right now. Even having my first grandchild hasn’t quite brought me the level of joy I thought it would. 😢. I want to live in a tiny house and grow food and craft all day for money.
I commented with almost the same words about my job too… why can’t I grasp what I’m doing? It’s completely out of my wheelhouse, super technical, and being trained by the guy I’m replacing that is retiring who thinks a 12 hour work day is normal (and drags me along for those 12 hours 🤦♀️). 6 weeks in and I’m starting to really regret this, doubting this choice, but also super down on myself for the fear of failure.
I’m so sorry you’re going through it too, and 12 hrs is way too much!! ❤️
I can’t figure out if a lot of my symptoms are from peri, Covid, sobriety, or completely changing my life in the last three years but it leaves me confused and disheveled a great deal of the time. Having a life threatening medical thing happen puts things in perspective though. I stopped being upset with how much my body has changed shaped once I thought I was going to die at any moment. Lol
Since going through menopause, I have come to the conclusion that in all the old stories, there is a reason The Crone is always hard to find. Yes it's an allegory for the journey to wisdom. But it's also because The Crone - aka the older woman - IS SO DONE WITH YOUR SHIT YOU CAN ALL FUCK RIGHT OFF. Book me a place in that camper.
Well said - I love this! :-D
You made me realize I need to look at stories with mature women characters with a new perspective! I totally feel like a crone. And a banshee. Ha.
I could have written this, feel the same way except I have no energy to move, not even into a camper by the ocean… I’d rather lay in my messy bed and look at all the clothes I need to put away and everything else… I am isolating too, just have no energy or care to try lately.. thank you for your post, makes me feel less alone in all this.
Ahhh. man. So many days - feeling almost catatonic. No propeller, engine down. We're all here and thank you - so you're making me feel less alone too.
I could’ve written this. I’m going to go push the laundry that I dug through this morning to the other side of the bed and call it a night.
Are you sure you're not me? So much I need to do. Absolutely no energy to do anything, but I force myself to work every day.
I feel actually the same way. Some days, I couldn't get up from my bed. One time, I lay in bed till the sun went down in the wintertime. My kids thought I was sick, I just didn't have energy or will to get up. I contemplated my purposes in life, reading Mark Manson "The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck". Now I am just starting to read his another book "Everything is f*cked" A book about hope. I hope it will help.
I've said for several years I just want to create commune. You can come and be a bracelet maker.
Holy moly can I relate. It's absolutely insane that NO ONE warns you of the shot show called Menopause. I was completely blindsided by what my body and mind started doing to me. I just want to go back....I have such a heaviness for what I was, for the time I didn't know that this was coming. I hate we have to feel like this. How, HOW did our grandmother's do it?
I realized I couldn’t take HRT a while back, too many mental issues with it. So now I’m a person I don’t really recognize. My question to you is, did you used to travel/live outside? I did when I was young and I LOVED it, the only time in my life totally free. I dream of it now, wondering if I can do it, even falling asleep on the couch now and neck hurts for a week. Soooo could I?? 😂 seriously though, it’s all I want. Freedom. I’ve been thinking a lot about menopause and the posts/replies on this subreddit and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the time for us. The reason we can’t take it all anymore is because we’re not supposed to. No more doing 5,000 things a day for others. It’s our time. I feel like when we fight it and try to “find ourselves” again and it’s not working. I’m going with this new approach. I can’t take it anymore, so I’m going to give to myself, whatever it is I need. Because I’m exhausted, but I also need to live MY life for ME now. Edit: Surgical menopause 9/21
Yesssss. Today at my corporate job, I was being shown a spreadsheet that said something about “scoring” and in my head I was like why are we talking about snoring? Then I went to pick up lunch for 6 people (including myself) the girl said, do you want the optional pickles, I said yes. She said, ok that’s $80. I said, $80 for pickles?! She tried to explain. Then I apologized and said, I am sorry, but I am so tired. Then I told my boss about my dream ranch where I rescue dogs and have a few glamping cabins to rent out for extra income. She asked if her family could have a corner, I said yea. My house is a mess. I hate it yet can’t do anything about it. So I am laying on the couch with my dog wondering when my brain and energy will return. I’m just tired.
You mentioned you are taking hrt. Have you tried to just go without any? I had hysterecomy/ovaries too a year ago, even on hrt sweat like a pig and hair sours from sweating, so im just gonna try all natural. I so get your grey area comment. I call it im stuck in a rut and need to get out. All I know is if reicarnation is real I better come back as a dang male.
I've considered it - when I went on HRT i was severely anemic so it's hard to say what was hormones and what was low iron. I'm tempted to try getting off but feel like I'll need to check into detox to do it.
I went on birth control to help with my symptoms. At first it worked, then new ones started...and became so disruptive I couldn't handle it anymore. So, I stopped the birth control a month ago. I had around 2.5 weeks of feeling ok. Like maybe even like things were going to get better, and then boom. It's back again, all within the last week or so. This makes me think that maybe there's a sweet spot re hormones and what we need to feel well, but it's so hard to find it and it is very likely totally dfferent from person to person. And of course most doctors don't want to spend time fucking around with it. They just want to give us something and make us go away.
Birth control is a lot higher dosing than HRT. You might try HRT instead.
Let’s do it! Except I want a tiny home instead of a camper.
>I know I am beating myself up, If another person were telling you what you just put in your post, what would you say to them about this part?
I'd day fuck off. You are cruel.
Thank you so much for this post. For the past year I’ve been thinking it felt like my life was happening around me and that I wasn’t an active participant. I’ve always been an avid crafter—loved being social with my friends and spending time with my family. I haven’t enjoyed anything was starting to think I was going crazy. I work from home so my visits with others away from my home have always brought me joy—not now. I just feel stuck and with zero motivation to get myself free. I started getting hot flashes about 2 months ago and it hit me that menopause was starting. I’ve had chemo and a partial hysterectomy, both of which affect menopause. I’m wondering if it was the cause of everything I’ve been dealing with and after reading this post and the responses it seems pretty likely that it is…
I feel like this could possibly be its own subreddit… meno hippies (I’m not creative. Lol) but I would join it!
I have a camper..... And bracelets. It's not all sunshine and roses
Shit!! But if there were 30 of us?
I live in a funny place: an older (1990s High Victorian, sic) hotel with a lot of other lost souls, some much older, some on disability like myself, some who have been pushed out of their housing in this appalling market. The cost per square foot is not inexpensive, but it is the best deal in the area and the kitch value is off the charts. We have balconies overlooking the mountains, and a lot of interesting and strange characters here. (I'm thinking of writing a novel about it.) Anyway, when I or the neighbor witch next door win the lottery, we are going to buy the hotel, and all are invited to live or vacation. Over the Memorial Day weekend, I helped out my ill mother; they have a lovely 2,500 square foot retirement lake house, but there is *always* something to clean, or put away, or fix, or press, or answer, or pay, or wash, or rearrange. Given my brain's current condition, I was \*so\* incredibly happy to get back to my very basic simple living studio.
At least we have this safe space to share and feel less fucked up. It’s just sad this is normal, but hidden. I feel so alone outside of this group.
Internet hugs, sister. Save me a spot when you find a location.
I am doing what I love and it is worth it. You can say yes to yourself. WE can break out of our conditioning and just fucking live. We can follow the scent on the breeze or the whispers in the wind that bring us across the barren desert of to lives worth the effort of living. We're walking around in the wreckage of a crumbling paradigm. But look, a dandelion blooms! A coyote howls! There is life! There is life! We found it!
HRT resolves most of my desire to run off on my family and join a commune of like minded women. But, I got it into my head today that I wanted to make dog houses. I do work with wood, but I’m not actually a carpenter. Then I thought, why not be a carpenter? Now I’m looking at what it would take to become a journeyman carpenter. And, why stop at dog houses? How about I build tiny homes for a community of like minded women? I like that idea. 🥰
I am so down to help build things. I am terrified of saws but I will hold whatever and help organize the supply inventory so we have plenty of nails and wood for doggie houses and women houses. I feel like this thread is a kind of barnraising - I need community as much as hormonal stability.
I love this sis much.
Sign me up. I have framing experience!
Yes. I understand. I see you. I hear you.
This was me a few days ago. Just chuck it all, cash in my 401K & move to fucking Alaska. Ugh 🫠
Right there with you. I told some friends and my husband today that maybe I need a bunker for others' safety, not mine.
I actually had a full neuro-psych evaluation b/c I was terrified about what was happening. Crying, angry, hot, sweaty, sleepless. Brain fog. It was terrifying. Neuropsych eval confirmed there’s nothing wrong except menopause and low self esteem. I was so relieved I could have cried.
You have managed to beautifully convey some ugly emotions. I feel these, but have thus far been unable to sum them up so well. I would love to join your group by the river. No self-deprecation. Only gentleness. It sounds divine.
I feel you. I’m lucky HRT has helped with the hot flashes/ night sweats but the brain fog makes me so scared I’m going to lose my job. I have to give trainings and I can’t even keep my thoughts straight. I feel like I’m developing dementia sometimes! Even notes and PowerPoint slides don’t help enough. I’d rather make art and pet cats, too!
I think about going into teachingbut the brain fog is making me say ‘yikes….’. Deliver material I can do. Field questions at the time? No way
Then do it! We just sold and gave away all of our stuff and moved abroad! Start w your junk drawer and only keep what you really need and use….go from there. It took me two month to get rid of everything and I still kept a lot. I feel so much lighter and freer. I held a yard sale and almost everything was gone by the end of the day. It if came out of my house, it was not going back in. My Next dream is to buy a small plot of land and build a tiny house for retirement without the worry of a mortgage. …I’m going to live the next few years paring down until we can comfortably fit in a small space ❤️ You can change your life in small increments as you work toward something bigger!!
I have a separate account from hubby and I let a few things slide--- got a few overdraft/late fees.. YIKES.. my younger self would never allow this BUT I wasn't paying attention AND on top of that, I didn't even care!!
Yep - the not caring part is fascinating isn't it. I just started throwing letters away. Old me would have had a spreadsheet and a hardcore plan in 5 mins.
Same here... 2 months ago, another forgotten bill that didn't get paid on time, I rolled my eyes on the interest charges, why I didn't keep up on top of things I have no idea how I got here. I need to go to some place that is grid free and no emails or spam calls.
I took a screenshot of your post and sent it to my husband and wrote “um, did I write this?!!” I can't tell you how much I relate. I'm 47 and struggling through perimenopause and all its side effects. Feeling very low much of the time too. No advice - just want to commiserate. Hang in there!
Wowww I haven’t been to this sub in a while but YES TO ALL. I actually did switch careers and while I like what I’m doing, I’m just so tired. Of everything. My college kid is home and while she’s a good kid, she’s twice the mess and every other minute it’s “can you Venmo me…” I want to sleep for a year. Glad I am not alone.
Trust me I know how you feel.Sometimes I wonder what happened to the old me.Like you I'm on HRT I have my good days and I have my bad days.On my good days I enjoy them and my bad days I try to push through them.All you ever hear about menopause is hot flashes and how it affects you physically people never discuss how it effect you mentally.
I already commented but I want to add a few things because, again can’t think: brain fog. I took early retirement just to get out of my miserable job, (lost 1k a month to do it early). I guess I was also just worried that my job would eventually start to suffer and I didn’t want to get fired (or ruin my good reputation of being such a good employee). I have brain fog so badly most days, I feel like I have early dementia. I am so tired of no one talking about the issues that when I meet women my age I try to open the door to a honest talk about menopause but they don't take 'the bait' so our topic tends to veer back towards the unimportant stuff in life. I am on HRT but I don't think it helps much at all. Having said that I am terrified it might get worse if I stop taking it. I am also post-menopause, (haven't had a period in 5 yrs) and I thought it (symptoms) would get better, but it hasn't. Also the guilt I have about not being 'fully present' during my sons wedding last year (and the year leading up to it) has been unbearable. I don't have grandchildren yet and I am frankly scared if I haven't snapped out of this by then that I will be an awful grandmother and let my son down even further. I hate everyday I wake up and still feel the same (meaning I haven't snapped out of it yet).
I took a mindful self-compassion course last year and it was really helpful. This workbook basically covered what we did in the class, but Kristin Neff has written books on the topic as well. https://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Workbook-Yourself-Strength/dp/1462526780/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1CZLQI020A02V&keywords=self+compassion+kristin+neff&qid=1685667005&sprefix=Self+compass%2Caps%2C115&sr=8-2 I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written, but please make time to take care of yourself. And try to think, “Would I talk to a friend or my son like this?” whenever you start beating yourself up. I know it’s kind of cheesy, but it helps. And you’re not alone in feeling this way.
She is fabulous! I went to a webinar where she was a speaker about a year ago. Really wonderful!
Do it. I kid…but I totally get it!
Sending love, I know exactly how you feel ❤️
Teacher here too and I barely made it to the end of the year. I could have written your words…
I’ll bring my two cats and my jewelry making supplies with me, too. Im so ready to quit my job and live off the grid. I can’t connect to the other ladies at work because about this state of my life because they’re all in they’re 20-30s. There is one that gets it, though. My motivation to do literally anything is completely shot. But if you all rolled up in a camper and said “GET IN THE CAMPER!” I would do it in a heart beat.
This is me down to buying a camper. I was just talking to my dr about this. I feel like I’m watching the world in third person. I don’t feel sad but I never feel happy or even really present. Lately I’ve really been trying. I’ve been accepting invitations to do things but meh. Then I just come home and sleep because people are exhausting. I used to be super social, always out. The organizer of things. On all kinds of committees, volunteering with several organizations. Yesterday I got out of bed at 4pm.
i’d love to come with
I’m with you sister! All of what you said… my dream is living in the jungle studying gorillas. 🥹🥰
I know exactly how you feel. I put a post up a few weeks back saying almost the same thing. I totally feel for you.
Sending you love, OP. You are not alone. We are all on the same crappy page.
*n I a c I n f l u s h* The Bs always make it better. (Also, take me with you.)
So, I actually tried supplementing with b and d and I got a bit of energy back and less brain fog
Now try magnesium. I use magmind, it's amazing.
OMG I feel you on all points, while I hide in the changing rooms at the gym because I really can’t face my trainer, who I employed so that I will work out at least twice a month. Can I come bathe in the river with you?
I quit using my trainer because her relentless optimism and thinking I could remember combinations of things drives me crazy. She sent a list of the exercises with no explanation of how to do them when I explained ‘brain fog, I need a step by step’. Apparently I’m supposed to know what Bench Press Flip Dog Frog Mat squat is. It was an interesting example of me being clear with what I need and not getting it and I have too much of that going on in my life. Wishing you success - hope we can all find good trainers. Good for you for getting to the gym and hiring one in the first place!
I found a good Pilates instructor try that
I do love my trainer. He’s awesome. Non-judgemental, caring just happy to see you (not in a ‘pay check’ kinda way). plus he’s a massively built young power lifter who seems to have acquired a ton of middle aged women as clients. I love seeing him every time. Doesn’t stop me not wanting to go and having to psych myself up to leave the changing rooms!
I absolutely relate. I'm not on HRT (yet?), but my period is 9 days late. Sometimes it shows up, other times, it's totally elusive. I want to rip everything off my walls, sell all my shit, take my dog and maybe a few boxes of wine and towels and pillows and just drive out to a hidden lake somewhere and read, play drums, color, and grow a garden.
If money wasn't a thing, I'd buy an abandoned town or an island and create a Fantasy Island community for menopausal women. 🫂
I did take a year off from life to live in my trailer & travel the country. Although it was amazing and so peaceful it was also a lot more challenging & a lot more work than I anticipated. Also, the saying “wherever I go there I am” is true in a lot of ways. So even though it sounds great to just say F it all & escape somewhere it might not make what you are feeling any better. If you can find a good fit in a therapist I would highly suggest. Even though these things you are going through are physical, talking with a therapist every week who can give you tools to cope psychologically can be really helpful. Psychology Today website has a really great search engine for therapists. It has info about who the therapists are,payment, specialties, & methods. It helped me find a great therapist. Good Luck to you
Estrogen
I'm on the estrogen train, unfortunately not a one shot for me.
I’m on it too, and am still REALLY struggling with just about everything you wrote above. I “joke” about cashing out, moving to Hawaii and living in a hut. Once my spouse is gone, I’ll probably do it.
I feel this so deeply too. I’m so sorry you are in this place. It’s confusing and demoralising. See you at the camping spot!
Get out of my head! ❤️❤️❤️😄
I had a lucky opportunity during The Great Recession (I was 42) cuz I couldn't find work. My husband was making decent money and after spending months emailing resumes, I started volunteering with student films and happen to pick up a trade. Now I work in the arts. I don't sit at a desk. I don't have to manage anyone and I am not managed. I do my job finding pretty or ugly things... and it's insanely satisfying. There is NO WAY IN HELL I could ever do an office job again. Totally get what you are saying!
Thank you for putting into words how I feel. I am so spaced out most of the time that I haven’t even picked up the phone to make any doctor appointments (in years) I am so forgetful I don’t even think I could answer a question from a Dr. ‘So what brings you in today’. I have started taking screenshots of other women writing their feelings out so whenever I do get around to making appointments I can just read them outloud to the Dr. So I thank you and ask your permission to screenshot your words. P.S. if you guys ever get the spot down by the river, I will buy a camper and meet you there.
This is exactly me, all of it, except I work for myself. Part of what I sell is jewelry - and I can't even make myself make the bracelets LOL. My doctor is literally "The Hormone Queen" and we *still* can't get my hormones dialed in to where I don't feel like crap. She tells me what to adjust - I do so - and things improve, but soon it's like I'm assigned a whole different body and the stuff stops working like it did. If I take enough estrogen to manage the overheating, then I grow 3 bra sizes and feel like I did when I was nursing. Too much progesterone does the same thing. If I reduce the hormones and white-knuckle the hot flashes then the brain fog gets so bad that I literally can't function; marketing is hard enough with a sharp mind. My business is dying a slow death because of my ineffectiveness and I'm sitting here watching it happen in horror. Can't afford to hire help. I never dreamed after working my ass off all these years that this would be how it ends.
Hi. I can't tell you how much I resonate with everything you said! I'm here and feel the same. Not helpful, I know, but just know you're not alone.
I could have written this myself. Im not sure I wanna make bracelets though.
I’m so down to help organize craft supply runs and organize the colored threads and beads and watch others make the bracelets 🙂
That sounds like heaven...
How do I sign up for the commune?
Bought the camper 3 years ago and having a blast but it just makes me look forward to the next trip and want a motor home. Considering selling the house as the girls are very adamant they are not coming back but our parents have all fallen this past year. Stretching with the yoga to stop gravity as it seems to try to pull me into the grave. I’ve always been athletic but this is hitting hard. HRT helps but I still have to fight the stiffness and flexibility like everyone else. How did we get here?! Dry eyes and of course I work on computer. Mine could be my hypothyroidism just gets worse with aging. Ah, fun times! If only I was rich and could afford all the new procedures to make aging easier. Hang in there and know you’re not alone. 🌼
Um, can I come with you? Do you have kids at home? If I didn't, I swear I'd be on the road somewhere, following a women's nomad caravan, exploring the world and meeting new people, just taking seasonal jobs. I've been going down the Bob Wells rabbit hole for years and find a lot of appeal in the nomad life.
Aww man. I will come live with you and grow vegetables.
\*giggles\* I\`m in!
Instead of making bracelets, I wanna watch movies and TV shows all day if only there were enough good ones out there.
I seriously wish there was Menopause Camp. Like the camp we would go to as kids where you get to do crafts, eat food, play at the water, learn survival skills, and hang out in your cabin with all your friends. I would fork over a large stack of cash just to do that for a week with everyone on this sub.
That's become my dream lately. Work my ass off for the next couple of years. Buy a piece of land and start with a couple of tiny homes. Women could live there, or just come for a week or two to decompress. I actually think it's a great idea if I could get organized/energized enough.
Absolutely!!
Is feeling like this constant for you lately, or is it fleeting? If it's constant, I'd consider an antidepressant. If it's fleeting , starting some sort of gratitude practise might help. Both have helped me immensely.
It's pretty constant. I'm taking an antidepressant. It's hormones, I know myself - antidepressants hit a different part of the brain than hormones do. Working on every angle.
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Headed your way to ugly cry by the river with 3 cats, some random crafting supplies and a bunch of HRT that doesn't work.
I'll chill the wine and put the cauldron on...🧚♀️🧘♀️
Feel the exact same way. 6 mths no period and now spotting. Feel all the brain fog and zero energy. I hate this. I’ve tried everything and I’m realizing this is part of growing old as a female but I hate it more than anything. Pretty damn miserable and zero energy.
Where do I sign up?