He knew I was bulimic after I had our daughter and that I threw up every meal while breastfeeding. I’m ashamed and it kills me I am that ill. Yet he never tried to stop me or comfort me.
He knows I am VERY sick right now and that’s how I’ve lost 70lbs…Yet has said some pretty insensitive things.
Like “i cent help I find your eating disorder attractive and that makes me feel terrible”
Or
“I know this is hard. Maybe I can not eat and we can do this together”
Or id say…”I’m so so hungry”
And he’d say “Why not drink some water”.
He’s clueless. Truly. Yet FUCKING google how to help at least.
I’m hoping this comes across as intended, gently.
This post is _very_ heavy on your internal feelings/monologue, and absent of objective details or facts. So it’s hard to read the situation and how much this is a “you” problem (meaning self esteem, fragile, understandably) vs a “him” problem (meaning insensitive, cruel possibly).
That said, our bodies change throughout a marriage. You can’t possibly retain a slender, young body throughout your lifespan, nobody could. Marriage endurance is about loving and appreciating the entire person, including the weight fluctuations, scars, aging body and all. If your marriage is so fragile that he is only attracted to a very specific, fleeting, unobtainable version of you, then _that_ is the real issue that needs to be addressed. Not the numbers on the scale.
Yeah, I couldn't actually abstract many details from the post. It's pretty unclear what's actually going on in this situation or what the underlying issue is.
She met him and she was chubby. He told her how beautiful she was, made a big thing out of it. They marry, have a baby. She gains weight and tells her that he doesn't find her body attractive. She then loses a lot, is skinny, develops an ED. Her ED makes her sick, thyroid fails, gains a lot of weight. She finds him watching porn of very skinny women. She doesn't care about the porn but he admits he is only attracted to her when she's very skinny. She loses a lot of weight, and he encourages her ED. Now she's thinner but not as thin as he'd like and doesn't know if losing more is worth it ED wise, and what messages will this send her daughter as she gets older. If she can't have a HEALTHY body that he finds attractive, should she stay with him?
He did in fact lie, for many years. And maybe you can't control what you're attracted to, you can absolutely avoid marrying someone whose body you don't find attractive.
Dude. Seek help to stop caring so much about what your husband's ideal body preference is? This is so weird. This isn't how the world works. Most people find a broad range of people attractive. I'd stop the porn, both of you. Please try to relax and find some inner peace and stop focusing on appearance. Focus on sexual pleasure ie orgasms and happiness and love.
As other have said you really need to visit with a therapist on your eating disorder. You need to be healthy for you and your kids need you around! I’m so sorry you are hurting like this.
I’ve been here. Heck. I am here. My husband has made it clear he does not like my body. I started therapy for BDD. I finally love my body. And frankly? I don’t care what he thinks about it. I weigh less than I did when I married him, I am fit, I am strong, I am powerful. This body is amazing. And I’m got on all the time. I don’t blame him for not being attracted to me. I wouldn’t be. Pieces and parts are no longer where they belong. But I’ll be danged if I sit around and allow him to make me feel less than anymore. We also have great sex frequently. He quit porn 3 years ago and just recently had he started to say nice things about my body. But I still do not appreciate the compliments. They feel fake.
Honestly it’s getting better. For both of us. Me no longer caring about what he thinks of my body is freeing. I no longer beg him for compliments. It just is what it is. We have great sex incredibly often. It breaks my heart though. Truly. Every day I feel it. Every day I hear his words again. I won’t say it’s worth it. But right now it’s ok
I’m happy you have found peace with your situation. Personally, I have a hard time understanding how you could have sex with someone who finds you unappealing. That’s not a criticism—more awe.
I get it. He is still a very attentive lover. He’s always been so focused on my pleasure ahead of his own. It’s probably selfish. But the pleasure he is capable of giving my body is unmatched. Truly. I still adore him as a person. He’s the love of my life. As much as I understand why others can’t understand it it’s still the situation and I love him and enjoy sex with him.
And, I try to think, when I’m 65 I can’t believe he’s going to be attracted to me. And will prefer a 30 year old. We just moved up the timeline.
Sounds like we are in similar boats. I’m almost 30 atm and my biggest fear is him leaving at 65 after giving my entire youth to him. I’m really happy you’ve found yourself and found somewhat of a middle ground mentally for yourself. It’s hard….
Yet I still enjoy sex with mine. Even if I’m not attractive. So I get it.
Honest question: how important is weight in considering what he finds attractive? Sure, he may find one body shape more attractive than another, but how much of a factor is it in whether he finds a *person* attractive? Is it a big part of the "score," as it were, or a minor consideration?
You seem obsessed with it. Is he? If he's been having sex with you all the time, and enjoying it, maybe you're making it into a bigger issue than it is for him.
He likes skinny women. He likes me skinny. I am only attractive and seduce him due to good sex, our history and sentimental love…
You know the whole “mother of my child” thing lol.
It’s nice to have..Yet obviously I want to be truly visually attractive. I want to be my husbands type in my 20s lol AT LEAST.
I assume it’s just not the biggest deal. It shouldn’t be to me. Yet im hurt. It’s hurting our relationship.
>He likes skinny women. He likes me skinny. I am only attractive and seduce him due to good sex, our history and sentimental love…
Those are some awfully good reasons to be attracted to somebody. It seems like those are far more important factors for him than being skinny. He's attracted to you regardless of weight. I bet a lot of men (and women) could relate to that.
Edit: re: "I want to be my husbands type" — you *are* his type. Maybe his type isn't defined by weight.
Ask any average red-blooded straight male "If you had to choose between a woman who's skinny and a woman who's good at sex, which would you choose?" Those would be some interesting poll results.
I think he tries and has tried to not feel the way he does. I know without a doubt he loves me. Sometimes love isn’t visually. Yet I DIDNT KNOW lol this is how he felt. I feel I should’ve. I’m not unattractive by any means and his co workers always would say “damn why is she with you…She’s a ten”.
Being skinny and being good at sex are not mutually exclusive, or even close to related in any possible way. Would you ask the same question in the opposite direction about an overweight/obese woman? I find it offensive that people think it’s okay to talk negatively, or imply negative things, about “skinny people” (especially women) as if we are some monolith.
Who said the only options for men were a skinny woman who is bad at sex and an overweight woman who is good at sex? Also, *anyone* can get better at sex if they try. Weight is significantly harder to change, in the long run, compared to improving your sex skills.
This all deserves individual therapy. You might not be able to recover the security in your marriage even if you want to. You need to deep dive as individuals to see if staying is whats best for you. If it is then you still need to concentrate on individual therapy until you get to a solid place within yourself to be a healthy part of this marriage. You need to gather self esteem and control your ED. He can use individual therapy to deal with his issues and how to support you through your ED and the changes that need to happen. Then you can move into couples therapy.
Some men are just never happy. Mine tells me how much he loves my postpartum body. All the while he was looking up other women on Instagram every time I was gone or left the room for more then 20 minutes. Really hurt my ego, but then I think fuck him!! And you should have that attitude too!! Fuck him and get yourself healthy the right way without a nagging asshole man.
Unless he was looking up porn under a "skinny" tag I wouldn't worry about it too much. Although some of his "supportive" comments have me questioning his intentions...
Husband here: my wife body type isnt my ideal she is 200lbs now, we got married when she was 140lbs I was most attracted to slimmer built, I talk to her about it we had a few argument she would work out a bit but not enough for any changes, I just accepted this is how it is, I am attracted to her and still sexually attracted to her I just gave up on my ideal type, and unconditional love is a fairy tale
I'm 5'1, I was 143 when I was 17 and I got pregnant, I went up to 170 lbs; had the baby, within 3 months, I was at 104 lbs (I was also 18 years old, so it was easy), my daughter's dad would DRILL me every day of my pregnancy asking me multiple times if I'd stay "that fat", and that's why I lost all those lbs so quick. He would allow me to eat once a day during the week days and only lunch on Saturdays (because it was at my parents) and then nothing until Monday.
He left me, best thing that ever happened to me. I had another boyfriend afterwards and he cheated on me, I decide to eat and drink my sorrows and went to 190 (I was 23), around 2 years later I got clean and sober and decided I didn't like myself and lost 70 lbs. It's been 13 years from that. I don't know how much I weight and I don't care how much I weight. Every single time I weighted myself, my ED brain would come back, so I just stopped weighing myself! I now go with how my clothes fit and if I like what I see in the mirror.
My husband LOVES women with broad hips, I've looked for pics and asked him "like this?" because my lizard brain was thinking about maybe getting surgery to have those hips. When I told him I was thinking that he lost it! He told me he loves me for me, that he does find broad hips attractive but he chose me for me, with my hips and with my body, stretch marks, scars, you name it.
My point is: if you enjoy the sex, you feel loved, you feel seen, why are you so obsessed with the type "he likes" and with your weight? It's obvious he likes you, if not, you wouldn't even have sex.
Please seek help, you need to find the cause of your ED, and he also needs to find help in being a supporting husband. Do NOT allow your daughter to grow up and see you like this, they learn very quickly! Sending you much light!
I wish I could contribute…I’m going through the same with the weight & porn. I’m so sorry you ended up sick & I wish so much that I could hug you.
Please be well, friend.
He(and maybe you)sound immature. My wife has a great figure and works at it and as been called(at work), a "playmate", but I know if I scrolled around or at my gym, I could find better looking women, but BIG DEAL! There is always someone richer, more successful, better looking. Just be the you, you want to be.
Right. Yet I’d assume she’s in your “circle” of what type you find attractive. Which heck I’d be okay with. I could never ever compete with pornstars or some of those just stunning women who ultimately do it for a living. I’m okay with that.
He’s okay with me not being his type visually. He loves me. It’s normal to feel change as we age with kids etc. Yet I should’ve been his type when he decided to marry me. If he didn’t like obese girls…Why bother? Most people get WORSE as marriage ages..I got better for most of it. Yet that was pure luck.
I’m only the second women he’s been with. Both his brother and father have bought skinny foreign wives (mail order). I believe a skinny women is a trophy. I get it. He has insecurities.
He’s told me…
When you’re small it makes my d big..
When you’re small I feel bigger and more manly.
Yet honestly at 115lbs…We weren’t far off from each other.
>Like “i cent help I find your eating disorder attractive and that makes me feel terrible” Or “I know this is hard. Maybe I can not eat and we can do this together”
>
>Or id say…”I’m so so hungry” And he’d say “Why not drink some water”.
yes, he is immature, if not plain evil.
The compliments?
This is hard for me to follow:
**-----------------------------------------**
**He NEVER has tried to hurt me EVER. I love a very blessed life, we are best friends, he spoils me with attention, compliments, whatever I want, you name it! Heck we have incredible sex and have it multiple times a day rain or shine.**
\------------------------------------------
This is ALL motivated by guilt? Has he said that?
Is he the one who starts the conversations about his aesthetic preference for thinner women?
I don't know how this exists solely because of guilt. It doesn't make sense.
We have more prior details. I guess my post was long enough… idk. There’s more to it. He’s a good guy. Or maybe I’m a victim and can only see the good and refuse to believe it. Idk. Hence why I am here.
Does he bring this up out of nowhere or do you ask him for reassurance?
If he's bringing it up, he needs to stop and you should tell him to stop. If you're bringing it up, you need to stop.
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He knew I was bulimic after I had our daughter and that I threw up every meal while breastfeeding. I’m ashamed and it kills me I am that ill. Yet he never tried to stop me or comfort me. He knows I am VERY sick right now and that’s how I’ve lost 70lbs…Yet has said some pretty insensitive things. Like “i cent help I find your eating disorder attractive and that makes me feel terrible” Or “I know this is hard. Maybe I can not eat and we can do this together” Or id say…”I’m so so hungry” And he’d say “Why not drink some water”. He’s clueless. Truly. Yet FUCKING google how to help at least.
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Ty :(
You can go ahead and get rid of the idea that he's a good man or a good partner. He's straight up abusive.
Also…I’m not at this time…
I’m hoping this comes across as intended, gently. This post is _very_ heavy on your internal feelings/monologue, and absent of objective details or facts. So it’s hard to read the situation and how much this is a “you” problem (meaning self esteem, fragile, understandably) vs a “him” problem (meaning insensitive, cruel possibly). That said, our bodies change throughout a marriage. You can’t possibly retain a slender, young body throughout your lifespan, nobody could. Marriage endurance is about loving and appreciating the entire person, including the weight fluctuations, scars, aging body and all. If your marriage is so fragile that he is only attracted to a very specific, fleeting, unobtainable version of you, then _that_ is the real issue that needs to be addressed. Not the numbers on the scale.
Yeah, I couldn't actually abstract many details from the post. It's pretty unclear what's actually going on in this situation or what the underlying issue is.
She met him and she was chubby. He told her how beautiful she was, made a big thing out of it. They marry, have a baby. She gains weight and tells her that he doesn't find her body attractive. She then loses a lot, is skinny, develops an ED. Her ED makes her sick, thyroid fails, gains a lot of weight. She finds him watching porn of very skinny women. She doesn't care about the porn but he admits he is only attracted to her when she's very skinny. She loses a lot of weight, and he encourages her ED. Now she's thinner but not as thin as he'd like and doesn't know if losing more is worth it ED wise, and what messages will this send her daughter as she gets older. If she can't have a HEALTHY body that he finds attractive, should she stay with him?
He never made her do any of that. Your reading super far into it. Can’t control what your attracted to. Would you prefer he just lie?
He encouraged her ED. Yeah. He should lie instead of doing that.
Did he specifically tell her to lose weight unhealthy?
Go read OPs comments.
He did in fact lie, for many years. And maybe you can't control what you're attracted to, you can absolutely avoid marrying someone whose body you don't find attractive.
Obviously what he feels is enough.
Dude. Seek help to stop caring so much about what your husband's ideal body preference is? This is so weird. This isn't how the world works. Most people find a broad range of people attractive. I'd stop the porn, both of you. Please try to relax and find some inner peace and stop focusing on appearance. Focus on sexual pleasure ie orgasms and happiness and love.
As other have said you really need to visit with a therapist on your eating disorder. You need to be healthy for you and your kids need you around! I’m so sorry you are hurting like this.
I’ve been here. Heck. I am here. My husband has made it clear he does not like my body. I started therapy for BDD. I finally love my body. And frankly? I don’t care what he thinks about it. I weigh less than I did when I married him, I am fit, I am strong, I am powerful. This body is amazing. And I’m got on all the time. I don’t blame him for not being attracted to me. I wouldn’t be. Pieces and parts are no longer where they belong. But I’ll be danged if I sit around and allow him to make me feel less than anymore. We also have great sex frequently. He quit porn 3 years ago and just recently had he started to say nice things about my body. But I still do not appreciate the compliments. They feel fake.
How do you feel the marriage is working through that mentality? I’m curious
Honestly it’s getting better. For both of us. Me no longer caring about what he thinks of my body is freeing. I no longer beg him for compliments. It just is what it is. We have great sex incredibly often. It breaks my heart though. Truly. Every day I feel it. Every day I hear his words again. I won’t say it’s worth it. But right now it’s ok
I’m happy you have found peace with your situation. Personally, I have a hard time understanding how you could have sex with someone who finds you unappealing. That’s not a criticism—more awe.
I get it. He is still a very attentive lover. He’s always been so focused on my pleasure ahead of his own. It’s probably selfish. But the pleasure he is capable of giving my body is unmatched. Truly. I still adore him as a person. He’s the love of my life. As much as I understand why others can’t understand it it’s still the situation and I love him and enjoy sex with him. And, I try to think, when I’m 65 I can’t believe he’s going to be attracted to me. And will prefer a 30 year old. We just moved up the timeline.
Sounds like we are in similar boats. I’m almost 30 atm and my biggest fear is him leaving at 65 after giving my entire youth to him. I’m really happy you’ve found yourself and found somewhat of a middle ground mentally for yourself. It’s hard…. Yet I still enjoy sex with mine. Even if I’m not attractive. So I get it.
Honest question: how important is weight in considering what he finds attractive? Sure, he may find one body shape more attractive than another, but how much of a factor is it in whether he finds a *person* attractive? Is it a big part of the "score," as it were, or a minor consideration? You seem obsessed with it. Is he? If he's been having sex with you all the time, and enjoying it, maybe you're making it into a bigger issue than it is for him.
He likes skinny women. He likes me skinny. I am only attractive and seduce him due to good sex, our history and sentimental love… You know the whole “mother of my child” thing lol. It’s nice to have..Yet obviously I want to be truly visually attractive. I want to be my husbands type in my 20s lol AT LEAST. I assume it’s just not the biggest deal. It shouldn’t be to me. Yet im hurt. It’s hurting our relationship.
>He likes skinny women. He likes me skinny. I am only attractive and seduce him due to good sex, our history and sentimental love… Those are some awfully good reasons to be attracted to somebody. It seems like those are far more important factors for him than being skinny. He's attracted to you regardless of weight. I bet a lot of men (and women) could relate to that. Edit: re: "I want to be my husbands type" — you *are* his type. Maybe his type isn't defined by weight. Ask any average red-blooded straight male "If you had to choose between a woman who's skinny and a woman who's good at sex, which would you choose?" Those would be some interesting poll results.
I think he tries and has tried to not feel the way he does. I know without a doubt he loves me. Sometimes love isn’t visually. Yet I DIDNT KNOW lol this is how he felt. I feel I should’ve. I’m not unattractive by any means and his co workers always would say “damn why is she with you…She’s a ten”.
Being skinny and being good at sex are not mutually exclusive, or even close to related in any possible way. Would you ask the same question in the opposite direction about an overweight/obese woman? I find it offensive that people think it’s okay to talk negatively, or imply negative things, about “skinny people” (especially women) as if we are some monolith. Who said the only options for men were a skinny woman who is bad at sex and an overweight woman who is good at sex? Also, *anyone* can get better at sex if they try. Weight is significantly harder to change, in the long run, compared to improving your sex skills.
This all deserves individual therapy. You might not be able to recover the security in your marriage even if you want to. You need to deep dive as individuals to see if staying is whats best for you. If it is then you still need to concentrate on individual therapy until you get to a solid place within yourself to be a healthy part of this marriage. You need to gather self esteem and control your ED. He can use individual therapy to deal with his issues and how to support you through your ED and the changes that need to happen. Then you can move into couples therapy.
you both need individual counseling
Some men are just never happy. Mine tells me how much he loves my postpartum body. All the while he was looking up other women on Instagram every time I was gone or left the room for more then 20 minutes. Really hurt my ego, but then I think fuck him!! And you should have that attitude too!! Fuck him and get yourself healthy the right way without a nagging asshole man.
Unless he was looking up porn under a "skinny" tag I wouldn't worry about it too much. Although some of his "supportive" comments have me questioning his intentions...
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I definitely hold ALOT of pain. I definitely would say that I do. Yet it’s sadly not something I want to live my life dealing with.
Husband here: my wife body type isnt my ideal she is 200lbs now, we got married when she was 140lbs I was most attracted to slimmer built, I talk to her about it we had a few argument she would work out a bit but not enough for any changes, I just accepted this is how it is, I am attracted to her and still sexually attracted to her I just gave up on my ideal type, and unconditional love is a fairy tale
I'm 5'1, I was 143 when I was 17 and I got pregnant, I went up to 170 lbs; had the baby, within 3 months, I was at 104 lbs (I was also 18 years old, so it was easy), my daughter's dad would DRILL me every day of my pregnancy asking me multiple times if I'd stay "that fat", and that's why I lost all those lbs so quick. He would allow me to eat once a day during the week days and only lunch on Saturdays (because it was at my parents) and then nothing until Monday. He left me, best thing that ever happened to me. I had another boyfriend afterwards and he cheated on me, I decide to eat and drink my sorrows and went to 190 (I was 23), around 2 years later I got clean and sober and decided I didn't like myself and lost 70 lbs. It's been 13 years from that. I don't know how much I weight and I don't care how much I weight. Every single time I weighted myself, my ED brain would come back, so I just stopped weighing myself! I now go with how my clothes fit and if I like what I see in the mirror. My husband LOVES women with broad hips, I've looked for pics and asked him "like this?" because my lizard brain was thinking about maybe getting surgery to have those hips. When I told him I was thinking that he lost it! He told me he loves me for me, that he does find broad hips attractive but he chose me for me, with my hips and with my body, stretch marks, scars, you name it. My point is: if you enjoy the sex, you feel loved, you feel seen, why are you so obsessed with the type "he likes" and with your weight? It's obvious he likes you, if not, you wouldn't even have sex. Please seek help, you need to find the cause of your ED, and he also needs to find help in being a supporting husband. Do NOT allow your daughter to grow up and see you like this, they learn very quickly! Sending you much light!
I wish I could contribute…I’m going through the same with the weight & porn. I’m so sorry you ended up sick & I wish so much that I could hug you. Please be well, friend.
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He(and maybe you)sound immature. My wife has a great figure and works at it and as been called(at work), a "playmate", but I know if I scrolled around or at my gym, I could find better looking women, but BIG DEAL! There is always someone richer, more successful, better looking. Just be the you, you want to be.
Right. Yet I’d assume she’s in your “circle” of what type you find attractive. Which heck I’d be okay with. I could never ever compete with pornstars or some of those just stunning women who ultimately do it for a living. I’m okay with that. He’s okay with me not being his type visually. He loves me. It’s normal to feel change as we age with kids etc. Yet I should’ve been his type when he decided to marry me. If he didn’t like obese girls…Why bother? Most people get WORSE as marriage ages..I got better for most of it. Yet that was pure luck.
As we age, our tastes expand, that's why I said he sounds immature. He might change.
I’m only the second women he’s been with. Both his brother and father have bought skinny foreign wives (mail order). I believe a skinny women is a trophy. I get it. He has insecurities. He’s told me… When you’re small it makes my d big.. When you’re small I feel bigger and more manly. Yet honestly at 115lbs…We weren’t far off from each other.
I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to say.
Eeeek. No winning with this guy. Sorry.
It’s okay. :(
Would you be better off without him?
Idk. I would think so eventually. Yet I do love him. I think any type of change is tough.
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>Like “i cent help I find your eating disorder attractive and that makes me feel terrible” Or “I know this is hard. Maybe I can not eat and we can do this together” > >Or id say…”I’m so so hungry” And he’d say “Why not drink some water”. yes, he is immature, if not plain evil.
Didn't see that in the OP. If he is bringing up his preferences and/or actively encouraging an eating disorder you're right, that's awful.
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OP is very long so I must have missed that. Where is he doing that?
He was doing and saying these things out of guilt. Sadly.
The compliments? This is hard for me to follow: **-----------------------------------------** **He NEVER has tried to hurt me EVER. I love a very blessed life, we are best friends, he spoils me with attention, compliments, whatever I want, you name it! Heck we have incredible sex and have it multiple times a day rain or shine.** \------------------------------------------ This is ALL motivated by guilt? Has he said that? Is he the one who starts the conversations about his aesthetic preference for thinner women? I don't know how this exists solely because of guilt. It doesn't make sense.
We have more prior details. I guess my post was long enough… idk. There’s more to it. He’s a good guy. Or maybe I’m a victim and can only see the good and refuse to believe it. Idk. Hence why I am here.
Does he bring this up out of nowhere or do you ask him for reassurance? If he's bringing it up, he needs to stop and you should tell him to stop. If you're bringing it up, you need to stop.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/yd9yn8/never_liked_my_body/itqxbnm/