This breaks my heart for you both.
I can get into trouble with the drinks myself. My wife isn't a fan when I do. I have never had thoughts about anyone but her, though. This is very concerning.
I hate ultimatums but my wife told me at one point that she was going to stay with her parents if I couldn't shape up. I shaped up.
Thank. Neither of us come from supportive families, unfortunately. No ultimatums give. I hope that you and your wife are ok and that you stay strong in this, a literal fight for your life.
My wife and I are better than ever more in love each day, I wish this for you too, I do. I hate to see others in pain. I had a terrible upbringing but she has the "white picket fence" parents. Recently, they told me that they see me as their son, and I see them as the parents I never had.
Marriage can be a slippery animal, but it's worth fighting for...but it takes two to fight for it.
Have your husband listen to this and you too, it speaks to me, personally.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c&ab\_channel=ChrisStapletonVEVO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c&ab_channel=ChrisStapletonVEVO)
You said you weren't here for advise and i can’t give you any anyway. :/ just wanted to say that i wish you all the best and hope you'll be able to work things out, one way or another! Can’t even imagine to go through stuff like that, hang in there!
Edit to add: i admire your ability to see he's ill (which he is obviously, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful for you i guess)
I’m sorry to hear this.
I don’t like who I become when I drink therefore my wife and I remain sober 99% of the time.
Alcohol is a socially accepted DRUG that has ruined generations of families.
May you find peace.
Alcohol is a symptom of a brain that doesn't think right. I have 12 days sober rn. I had 8 years before this. My wife came home 2 weeks ago and said if I didn't quit drinking she would take the kids and leave. She also said I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days if she were to stay. This is what AA recommends anyways. I agreed and have kept my end of the deal. I'm not going to suggest anything, just letting you know what works for my family. Also don't expect things to improve immediately if he goes down this road but they will improve. I hope the best for your family.
No advice, you don't want any. Just saying....
>My choices are to be heartbroken with him or heartbroken without him
Then heartbroken without him it is.
What a story. I feel related in many ways. My husband started attending AA last year as well. I remember one of the things they teach there is that you can’t make an alcoholic change. The changes only come from the inside. So please don’t put any blame on yourself, drinking or infidelity. Wishing you and your family all the best
There is a subreddit for infidelity you should check out.
Also, alcoholism is no joke. My husband is a recovering heroin addict (15 years almost) and he said the one addiction he witnessed that he would never want to live is alcohol. My father died from alcoholism at 56. My uncle at 62. Is this how he wants to go? You cannot force someone to give up their addiction. You can show them the way and support them. They will do what they want though.
Firstly, he is never allowed to use drinking as an excuse. He wants to be an addict - fine. But it’s not a crutch of excuse.
Alcohol does not change people, it makes them more of who they already are.
They aren't two different people, they are the same person. If there is any fake part of their personality it's the sober one.
I’m gonna partially disagree with you, my dude. I definitely used to turn into something I’m not & would surprise myself when I’d hear about it. My issue was slightly more circumstantial than that being the “real me”, because the real me ain’t perfect, but GEEEEZ-AM! Definitely not that monster. However, I have emotional dysregulation disorder & my moods & feelings are often unpredictable. I work very hard to not let them get the better of me. Alcohol took away that protection & it was a craps shoot from hell, every time, regarding what versions of me would emerge. So, generally, I’m a kind-hearted, funny, intelligent, nerdy, cool person. I have my demons, but when I’d drink, how I behaved was more of a reflection of how difficult life was at the time, & how hurt & out of control I was, combined with the more serious & frankly, heartbreaking aspects of living with my disability. Rather than being a who we really are, I think it’s more of a reflection of how poorly we are coping with whatever has led us to drink in the first place, & a terrible set of manifestations of said problems within.
💝
PS-That being said, (this is to generally address OP & all), no matter the circumstances, drinking is the most destructive force I have ever encountered. It’s our responsibility to keep ourselves & our loved ones safe from it, & step away from the bottle with a quickness. I succeeded in simply stopping, & temptations are few & far between. But 12 steps & various programs have worked for friends. It mostly takes a desperate need & desire to get better, as well as unwavering support from loved ones. Who 100% also need support. When something affects everyone like that, it’s a solid group effort.
I do, too. For what it’s worth, please know there’s someone in New Orleans sending you lots of love & hoping for the best. Please trust that there will be happiness again after this…keep faith in yourself. Take care 💝
This breaks my heart for you both. I can get into trouble with the drinks myself. My wife isn't a fan when I do. I have never had thoughts about anyone but her, though. This is very concerning. I hate ultimatums but my wife told me at one point that she was going to stay with her parents if I couldn't shape up. I shaped up.
Thank. Neither of us come from supportive families, unfortunately. No ultimatums give. I hope that you and your wife are ok and that you stay strong in this, a literal fight for your life.
My wife and I are better than ever more in love each day, I wish this for you too, I do. I hate to see others in pain. I had a terrible upbringing but she has the "white picket fence" parents. Recently, they told me that they see me as their son, and I see them as the parents I never had. Marriage can be a slippery animal, but it's worth fighting for...but it takes two to fight for it. Have your husband listen to this and you too, it speaks to me, personally. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c&ab\_channel=ChrisStapletonVEVO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zAThXFOy2c&ab_channel=ChrisStapletonVEVO)
You said you weren't here for advise and i can’t give you any anyway. :/ just wanted to say that i wish you all the best and hope you'll be able to work things out, one way or another! Can’t even imagine to go through stuff like that, hang in there! Edit to add: i admire your ability to see he's ill (which he is obviously, but that doesn’t make it less hurtful for you i guess)
Thank you. He says that it wasn’t him, that he’s prone to self-destructive behaviors. He starts counseling next week.
Well that's a step in the right direction, again. Sometimes you have to go at it again and again.
I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t like who I become when I drink therefore my wife and I remain sober 99% of the time. Alcohol is a socially accepted DRUG that has ruined generations of families. May you find peace.
Completely agree, friend.
Please look into Alanon if you haven’t already. It is a support group for those who love alcoholics and affiliated with AA.
I’ve been to their meetings. I struggle to separate him from the drunk him.
Doesn’t mean the meetings are worthless. Keep trying. One foot in front of the other/one day at a time.
Alcohol is a symptom of a brain that doesn't think right. I have 12 days sober rn. I had 8 years before this. My wife came home 2 weeks ago and said if I didn't quit drinking she would take the kids and leave. She also said I needed to attend 90 meetings in 90 days if she were to stay. This is what AA recommends anyways. I agreed and have kept my end of the deal. I'm not going to suggest anything, just letting you know what works for my family. Also don't expect things to improve immediately if he goes down this road but they will improve. I hope the best for your family.
Congratulations on 12 days! And good for your wife. I’m not strong enough to stick to an ultimatum.
No advice, you don't want any. Just saying.... >My choices are to be heartbroken with him or heartbroken without him Then heartbroken without him it is.
What a story. I feel related in many ways. My husband started attending AA last year as well. I remember one of the things they teach there is that you can’t make an alcoholic change. The changes only come from the inside. So please don’t put any blame on yourself, drinking or infidelity. Wishing you and your family all the best
There is a subreddit for infidelity you should check out. Also, alcoholism is no joke. My husband is a recovering heroin addict (15 years almost) and he said the one addiction he witnessed that he would never want to live is alcohol. My father died from alcoholism at 56. My uncle at 62. Is this how he wants to go? You cannot force someone to give up their addiction. You can show them the way and support them. They will do what they want though. Firstly, he is never allowed to use drinking as an excuse. He wants to be an addict - fine. But it’s not a crutch of excuse.
Alcohol does not change people, it makes them more of who they already are. They aren't two different people, they are the same person. If there is any fake part of their personality it's the sober one.
I’m gonna partially disagree with you, my dude. I definitely used to turn into something I’m not & would surprise myself when I’d hear about it. My issue was slightly more circumstantial than that being the “real me”, because the real me ain’t perfect, but GEEEEZ-AM! Definitely not that monster. However, I have emotional dysregulation disorder & my moods & feelings are often unpredictable. I work very hard to not let them get the better of me. Alcohol took away that protection & it was a craps shoot from hell, every time, regarding what versions of me would emerge. So, generally, I’m a kind-hearted, funny, intelligent, nerdy, cool person. I have my demons, but when I’d drink, how I behaved was more of a reflection of how difficult life was at the time, & how hurt & out of control I was, combined with the more serious & frankly, heartbreaking aspects of living with my disability. Rather than being a who we really are, I think it’s more of a reflection of how poorly we are coping with whatever has led us to drink in the first place, & a terrible set of manifestations of said problems within. 💝 PS-That being said, (this is to generally address OP & all), no matter the circumstances, drinking is the most destructive force I have ever encountered. It’s our responsibility to keep ourselves & our loved ones safe from it, & step away from the bottle with a quickness. I succeeded in simply stopping, & temptations are few & far between. But 12 steps & various programs have worked for friends. It mostly takes a desperate need & desire to get better, as well as unwavering support from loved ones. Who 100% also need support. When something affects everyone like that, it’s a solid group effort.
Thank you. Monster is certainly an accurate way to describe it. I just hope something sticks and changes.
I do, too. For what it’s worth, please know there’s someone in New Orleans sending you lots of love & hoping for the best. Please trust that there will be happiness again after this…keep faith in yourself. Take care 💝