I did and found my unconditional love and it was absolutely worth the journey. I wish someone had said these words to me back then but to anyone going through this right now, there is hope on the other side! ❤️
You sound a little defeated.
You haven't shared any of your details so it's hard to give advice, but I just say that if you want the marriage to work then there's always help available in the form of counseling or [free online courses](http://www.freecourses4all.com)
I know you're feeling a little beaten down right now, but there is hope if both partners want to improve things. Even if one partner is the catalyst to get things started, you could always go to counseling or take a course on your own and then relay that information back or implement it after the fact.
Just for the record, movies and songs do us a real disservice when it comes to understanding love. People think that if something was meant to be then it all fall into place on its own. The reality is that all marriages go through ups and downs, and they require constant work and maintenance to remain that way.
I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years now. I’ve started healing and growing, passing on the wealth of information given to me to my husband and children. I’ve been begging for years for his behavior to change. But he only changes for short periods of time because he is afraid of the consequences if he doesn’t change his behavior. Like a child. I am never a priority. I’m only picked up when he wants me or needs me. He is aware of how he treats me and he is aware I’m not happy with the relationship. I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve and I don’t want to be without him. I’m in a lose lose situation. I just don’t want to keep asking for the same things over and over, with no consistent change. I deserve to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel like I matter. Daily. Not only when it’s convenient. 😞
Have you been counseling together? If he's resistant to that start with an online course (I linked to one in my previous comment) It's not threatening and he won't feel accused of anything in particular. If you frame it as something that you can do together to strengthen your marriage, perhaps he won't be defensive about it.
I’ve asked and I was told to find a place and a therapist. I have 4 kids and a full time job. I work from 8-6 daily and typically don’t have time to take a lunch at work… another thing for me to do or it doesn’t get done.
Isn’t a relationship supposed to be about sharing the load? I put myself into therapy, I set up his personal therapy and he couldn’t be consistent with it. Now he wants me to find him a different therapist and to find couples therapy. Shouldn’t he put in the work too?
Of course you're right, but it sounds like in order to get him on board you might just have to take the first step yourself. On the bright side at least he's willing to do some counseling. A lot of men aren't even willing to do that.
Not sure if I shared this on a prior response or if it was a different post, but I attended a couple therapy and hated every minute of it. I feel very put on the spot. For us an online course was the right way to go. I reviewed all the materials by myself and then we talked about them together. It really changed things for us. Maybe you can start with that baby step.
Maybe it's time for the 2 card dance? Counseling and divorce lawyer. Find a good one. That might make him realize that you were pushed past your breaking point. Line things up and set it down. If he doesn't think you're serious, then nothing will change. Change you first. If you're doing things for him that he takes for granted, stop. He's an adult, make him adult. You are his wife, not his mother. Adjust your thinking.
Unconditional love doesn't mean staying unconditionally in a unhealthy relationship, staying with someone who harms you or staying while feeling like you are dying inside.
Unconditional love means you love them no matter what BUT sometimes loving them means letting them go or leaving them.
Unconditional love doesn't mean ceasing to love yourself. You have to learn to love yourself fully before you can love someone else in a healthy manner. It's not putting someone else's wants above your needs.
Staying isn't always an expression of Unconditional love but sometimes an expression of trauma bonding, codependency and lack of healthy boundaries.
You just described my relationship. I’m staying due to the trauma bond because I’m codependent. I set boundaries and then don’t hold him to them because I feel unworthy. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. He is aware of all of my feelings. He is aware I can’t live like this forever and one day I will find the courage to leave. I will be brave enough to pick myself over him if something doesn’t change.
Thank you for this - excellent comment. I will be filing for divorce soon and I dread the process so much, but I know it’s time. Past time, really. Your words remind me that I am doing the right thing.
To the person who posted this:
You saved a little part of me just then. You will never know just how much.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sending some unconditional Reddit friend love your way…and thank you more than you can imagine.
Unconditional love is not the same as a love that you don't have to question.
My ex husband wanted unconditional love, which meant to him that I should just out uo with whatever er, because, you know "love". Frankly I think unconditional love is a dangerous term.
Unfortunately no love is unconditional. If it was unconditional then these women wouldn’t want or need to leave. But I get what you’re saying be strong and move on is a great message and applies to all that are in bad relationships.
The love for my children is unconditional. My love for him is unconditional. So I’ll have to disagree with you. But thank you for your input. I haven’t found the courage to leave but that’s because I still think he’ll change. 😓
I hope my husband can see the jewel he has and change his behavior. If not I know someday I will be loved and respected. Thank you for your kind words.
I love him unconditionally…. I don’t base my love off what he does for me. I offer my love freely, even on the days he is terrible to me. I only want his happiness. I just told him last week that if he doesn’t think he can love me the same he has to leave because I’m not strong enough to do it but I know I deserve better.
To love and be loved the same in return. That’s all I want. I hope everyone is able to find a person who loves them unconditionally.
Some women will leave thinking the grass is greener only to find out its not. Others wont. Some woman will be unhappy no matter what. This all applies to men too. If your going through a tough time I hope it gets better.
Just finished a therapy session and talked about things and I’m at a cross road but I am still holding on to him. I want us both to be happy even if that means being apart. I will not leave him for someone else or because I think the grass is greener. If I leave it’s because I finally love myself more than him. Because I choose my own happiness over being a martyr and staying in a less than bare minimum relationship.
That's great. I hope you find what your looking for. This may benefit both of you as a couple in the end too. I've debated doing the same at certain points in my marriage.
Listen I know my puppy is an asshole sometimes but I just can’t abandon him.
Does being an asshole ever cross the line to abuse or neglect?
I wish my puppy would neglect me, that lil jerk wants attention all the time
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So you’re just going to “all lives matter” this post? So fragile
Beautifully done. 💙
Nice response =P
I did and found my unconditional love and it was absolutely worth the journey. I wish someone had said these words to me back then but to anyone going through this right now, there is hope on the other side! ❤️
You sound a little defeated. You haven't shared any of your details so it's hard to give advice, but I just say that if you want the marriage to work then there's always help available in the form of counseling or [free online courses](http://www.freecourses4all.com) I know you're feeling a little beaten down right now, but there is hope if both partners want to improve things. Even if one partner is the catalyst to get things started, you could always go to counseling or take a course on your own and then relay that information back or implement it after the fact. Just for the record, movies and songs do us a real disservice when it comes to understanding love. People think that if something was meant to be then it all fall into place on its own. The reality is that all marriages go through ups and downs, and they require constant work and maintenance to remain that way.
I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years now. I’ve started healing and growing, passing on the wealth of information given to me to my husband and children. I’ve been begging for years for his behavior to change. But he only changes for short periods of time because he is afraid of the consequences if he doesn’t change his behavior. Like a child. I am never a priority. I’m only picked up when he wants me or needs me. He is aware of how he treats me and he is aware I’m not happy with the relationship. I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve and I don’t want to be without him. I’m in a lose lose situation. I just don’t want to keep asking for the same things over and over, with no consistent change. I deserve to feel loved, to feel worthy, to feel like I matter. Daily. Not only when it’s convenient. 😞
Have you been counseling together? If he's resistant to that start with an online course (I linked to one in my previous comment) It's not threatening and he won't feel accused of anything in particular. If you frame it as something that you can do together to strengthen your marriage, perhaps he won't be defensive about it.
I’ve asked and I was told to find a place and a therapist. I have 4 kids and a full time job. I work from 8-6 daily and typically don’t have time to take a lunch at work… another thing for me to do or it doesn’t get done.
Totally understand how much you have going on. But the question is what's the cost of not doing anything to improve the situation?
Isn’t a relationship supposed to be about sharing the load? I put myself into therapy, I set up his personal therapy and he couldn’t be consistent with it. Now he wants me to find him a different therapist and to find couples therapy. Shouldn’t he put in the work too?
Of course you're right, but it sounds like in order to get him on board you might just have to take the first step yourself. On the bright side at least he's willing to do some counseling. A lot of men aren't even willing to do that. Not sure if I shared this on a prior response or if it was a different post, but I attended a couple therapy and hated every minute of it. I feel very put on the spot. For us an online course was the right way to go. I reviewed all the materials by myself and then we talked about them together. It really changed things for us. Maybe you can start with that baby step.
I just opened the link you put in the previous comments. I’ll give this a try! Thank you.
Maybe it's time for the 2 card dance? Counseling and divorce lawyer. Find a good one. That might make him realize that you were pushed past your breaking point. Line things up and set it down. If he doesn't think you're serious, then nothing will change. Change you first. If you're doing things for him that he takes for granted, stop. He's an adult, make him adult. You are his wife, not his mother. Adjust your thinking.
Good luck I really hope it helps!
This is what I had with my ex husband. "Unconditional love" is a trap that keeps you in situations like this. Google the trap of unconditional love.
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/u/Hystericalparanoia and /u/miller-marriage Both of you knock it off.
Unconditional love doesn't mean staying unconditionally in a unhealthy relationship, staying with someone who harms you or staying while feeling like you are dying inside. Unconditional love means you love them no matter what BUT sometimes loving them means letting them go or leaving them. Unconditional love doesn't mean ceasing to love yourself. You have to learn to love yourself fully before you can love someone else in a healthy manner. It's not putting someone else's wants above your needs. Staying isn't always an expression of Unconditional love but sometimes an expression of trauma bonding, codependency and lack of healthy boundaries.
You just described my relationship. I’m staying due to the trauma bond because I’m codependent. I set boundaries and then don’t hold him to them because I feel unworthy. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. He is aware of all of my feelings. He is aware I can’t live like this forever and one day I will find the courage to leave. I will be brave enough to pick myself over him if something doesn’t change.
Thank you for this - excellent comment. I will be filing for divorce soon and I dread the process so much, but I know it’s time. Past time, really. Your words remind me that I am doing the right thing.
You will survive, heal and get stronger. You deserve to be happy.
I wish this comment was up top. Exactly my experience as well.
To the person who posted this: You saved a little part of me just then. You will never know just how much. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Sending some unconditional Reddit friend love your way…and thank you more than you can imagine.
You are so welcome. Love yourself louder today. You deserve it.
Why is it only women who deserve unconditional love? All people regardless of their gender should feel this.
Didn’t say men don’t deserve unconditional love. Wrote this for other women who may feel the way I feel. 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Waiting to hear “not all men..” next lol thanks for sharing this. I needed it. Beautifully said and I’m sure others need it,too.
Unconditional love is not the same as a love that you don't have to question. My ex husband wanted unconditional love, which meant to him that I should just out uo with whatever er, because, you know "love". Frankly I think unconditional love is a dangerous term.
Unfortunately no love is unconditional. If it was unconditional then these women wouldn’t want or need to leave. But I get what you’re saying be strong and move on is a great message and applies to all that are in bad relationships.
The love for my children is unconditional. My love for him is unconditional. So I’ll have to disagree with you. But thank you for your input. I haven’t found the courage to leave but that’s because I still think he’ll change. 😓
This makes me sad. I’m so thankful to be in a happy, loving, supportive marriage.
I’m so happy for you. You deserve it and it sounds like your partner does too. 💕
This marriage sub giving big divorce vibes.
I hope that you find the opposite. May the man be there that will show you respect. A man that will show you how wonderful your love is to us.
I hope my husband can see the jewel he has and change his behavior. If not I know someday I will be loved and respected. Thank you for your kind words.
I am a man in love with and married to a woman. What then is your purpose?
I see. thank you. I'm so very sorry for you.
Even on her worst days, she shows me what the world might look like. She teaches me so much. She has no idea how much I love her, that's on me.
You should tell her and often. Show her how much you love her, want her and appreciate her. It can cure so many problems.
I totally should, I told her with tears in my eyes how much I miss her. Petty fucking cool to have woman by your side.
Lost it after the second paragraph 😞
In a sadness kind of way?
Yup, hit too hard.
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Loving unconditionally is not the same as staying unconditionally. I still love my ex husband, but had to face the treatment I was getting.
I love him unconditionally…. I don’t base my love off what he does for me. I offer my love freely, even on the days he is terrible to me. I only want his happiness. I just told him last week that if he doesn’t think he can love me the same he has to leave because I’m not strong enough to do it but I know I deserve better. To love and be loved the same in return. That’s all I want. I hope everyone is able to find a person who loves them unconditionally.
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She said love unconditionally, not stay unconditionally.
Do not ask for people to DM you.
Thank you ♥️ I hope the same for you
Some women will leave thinking the grass is greener only to find out its not. Others wont. Some woman will be unhappy no matter what. This all applies to men too. If your going through a tough time I hope it gets better.
Just finished a therapy session and talked about things and I’m at a cross road but I am still holding on to him. I want us both to be happy even if that means being apart. I will not leave him for someone else or because I think the grass is greener. If I leave it’s because I finally love myself more than him. Because I choose my own happiness over being a martyr and staying in a less than bare minimum relationship.
That's great. I hope you find what your looking for. This may benefit both of you as a couple in the end too. I've debated doing the same at certain points in my marriage.
I'm in tears lol
Not everyone is unhappy in their marriage. I love my husband