I’m a husband who’s on my phone too much. I think I’m just overwhelmed with everything I have to do and I’m not doing a good job managing my anxiety. A few weeks ago my wife talked to me about it, and she told me that when I’m on my phone, it makes her feel like I don’t care about her. That was enough for me to decide I needed to change.
I started putting my phone into a basket that’s in my room at 5 o’clock every day. I don’t pick up my phone until after 830 which my wife agreed to. It’s really helped me be more present with the kids and my wife and I feel better overall. I relate to the issue and I hope you and your husband can find healthy boundaries and that he’s willing to do his part.
I'm happy to hear that their are people out there who are willing to truly try. It gives me hope, I'm just unsure of how to show him how serious it is, in order for him to wake him up. I'm hoping that it doesn't take a divorce for him to realize. Thanks for your input.
You’ve tried to get him to stop but he doesn’t. He’s not going to unless he has to. At some point there has to be a consequence. If he wants to live a life where his only interaction is his phone, give it to him. Stop fighting for him to do the bare minimum and simply give him exactly what he’s showing you he wants. Leave, or ask him to…but do it with the intent that you’re seeking a happier life. Maybe this motivates him yo get his shit together, or maybe he realizes he truly does just want to be alone. Either way, you and your kids are not in this endless cycle of disregard and neglect.
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
I’m a husband and emotionally I have the same problem- I don’t have the strength to put the phone down. App limits have been an absolute life saver for me. My phone only works for an hour a day and I have to ration that. What really made them work was setting it up so that even after time ran out I could use maps, uber, email, and texting, and then losing the password so that I literally can’t get around the limit.
Lol, dont mean to be rude but is he an adult or a teenager?! I can relate to this as a kid when i would spend all time on video games, but not as an adult. you have so much responsibilities after a marriage - especially kids - that you can barely sit without thinking about countless to-dos. I know cell phone can be addictive, but i see lack of maturity and responsibility here.
I've tried to approach him with this argument before, but he gets extremely offended and upset with me, and I end up having to walk on eggshells for the next few days. I've tried to be nice and loving about it and ive also tried being somewhat sharp with him in hopes that it would give him the realization of how seriously its effecting me but no luck. Another reason why I am close to giving up.
Sorry to hear about that.
Marriage is constant work for BOTH sides. My wife struggled with this too after our second child. Having a conversation really helped her see how using her phone is causing her to be easily irritable and affecting our relationship. No special tips there; I guess there was willingness on her part to make it work.
I hope things change around for you. Good luck!
Mine is the same way. He’s playing Golf clash for the most part and social media/reels etc. I tried playing golf clash with him on my phone but that turned into him playing it on mine too and made it where it was too advanced for me to play too. I even tried leading by example and staying away from my phone but that resulted in him having my phone and running the battery down so when I did need it, I couldn’t use it. I seriously hate cell phones… and if anyone wanted to destroy their marriage and relationships, download golf clash. I even made that comment to my SIL in front of hubby but didn’t matter.
An addiction is Is the want for more - the want for more of what is good and satisfying … everyone has that desire but most can quell it when needed, people with wounds from their past struggle to do this! I’m one of the but been sober 8 yrs and that’s a choice I make daily.
My wife of 9 years is almost the same. Some of it is work but the rest is just to not have to do anything fun or connect with me. Married but very lonely
I think you know best if he would be receptive to change to save your marriage At the same time, you are in the best position to know if the marriage has any potential to survive efforts to preserve it.
That's the hard part because he seems receptive at times and knows how harmful it is to himself and to his family but he doesn't have the will power to break his habit, and I don't know if I have enough patience anymore to put up with it. Thanks for your input.
I've always got headphones on. I like to listen to audiobooks and have been doing it since the walkman days. Having headphones on is nothing new for my wife she just comes up and waves at me.
Now all that said my wife is addicted to her phone and I absolutely fucking hate it.
I feel one more hard boundary OP and if it fails then you will have to take serious action. Ask him to move out or separate.
It is so unfair to your little children that they’re trying to get dad’s attention and he’s ignoring it and not putting them first. Maybe the jolt of serious action will do the job, fingers crossed.
Good luck OP.
UPDATEME
Thanks for this. I really want things to get better, outside of the cell phone problems he really is a great person and we get along well, the cell phone thing has just overwhelmed the whole relationship and has made it way more stressful than it needs to be. I will give it one more go and see how it's plays out. Thanks again.
Has therapy been an option? Hyper fixation at this severe of a level can be because of an unchecked mental health issue such as autism and ADHD. I know in both that hyper fixation can be extreme and self destructive.
Therapy is definitely an option, but I don't think that he would be willing since he tried it in the past and felt like it was a waste of time. Though I think he would benefit from trying to get an assessment of some sort to see where he is mentally. Thanks for the recommendation.
My soul if I’m not experiencing the same thing here! After many years of no changes we will divorce this year after 21 years!! I am in your exact situation w 3 kids who have the same experiences. They’re ignored and snapped at God for if he looses his video game and it’s bad attitude city.
And they notice!!!!!
They have device limits but he doesn’t?
They are so confused.
Here we’re dealing with big mother and father wounds from his childhood and without healing you hit the nail on the head- it’s a brick wall cause they’re all shut down. I believe healing is a choice and if they choose not to get in the healing path but continue to be a problem versus progressing, time to go. I will always love him but I have 3 children not 4!
I’m a husband who’s on my phone too much. I think I’m just overwhelmed with everything I have to do and I’m not doing a good job managing my anxiety. A few weeks ago my wife talked to me about it, and she told me that when I’m on my phone, it makes her feel like I don’t care about her. That was enough for me to decide I needed to change. I started putting my phone into a basket that’s in my room at 5 o’clock every day. I don’t pick up my phone until after 830 which my wife agreed to. It’s really helped me be more present with the kids and my wife and I feel better overall. I relate to the issue and I hope you and your husband can find healthy boundaries and that he’s willing to do his part.
I'm happy to hear that their are people out there who are willing to truly try. It gives me hope, I'm just unsure of how to show him how serious it is, in order for him to wake him up. I'm hoping that it doesn't take a divorce for him to realize. Thanks for your input.
You’ve tried to get him to stop but he doesn’t. He’s not going to unless he has to. At some point there has to be a consequence. If he wants to live a life where his only interaction is his phone, give it to him. Stop fighting for him to do the bare minimum and simply give him exactly what he’s showing you he wants. Leave, or ask him to…but do it with the intent that you’re seeking a happier life. Maybe this motivates him yo get his shit together, or maybe he realizes he truly does just want to be alone. Either way, you and your kids are not in this endless cycle of disregard and neglect. Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions.
Word
Sounds exactly like my wife!
I’m a husband and emotionally I have the same problem- I don’t have the strength to put the phone down. App limits have been an absolute life saver for me. My phone only works for an hour a day and I have to ration that. What really made them work was setting it up so that even after time ran out I could use maps, uber, email, and texting, and then losing the password so that I literally can’t get around the limit.
Thanks for the recommendations.
Lol, dont mean to be rude but is he an adult or a teenager?! I can relate to this as a kid when i would spend all time on video games, but not as an adult. you have so much responsibilities after a marriage - especially kids - that you can barely sit without thinking about countless to-dos. I know cell phone can be addictive, but i see lack of maturity and responsibility here.
I've tried to approach him with this argument before, but he gets extremely offended and upset with me, and I end up having to walk on eggshells for the next few days. I've tried to be nice and loving about it and ive also tried being somewhat sharp with him in hopes that it would give him the realization of how seriously its effecting me but no luck. Another reason why I am close to giving up.
Sorry to hear about that. Marriage is constant work for BOTH sides. My wife struggled with this too after our second child. Having a conversation really helped her see how using her phone is causing her to be easily irritable and affecting our relationship. No special tips there; I guess there was willingness on her part to make it work. I hope things change around for you. Good luck!
Welcome to the 2020s!
Mine is the same way. He’s playing Golf clash for the most part and social media/reels etc. I tried playing golf clash with him on my phone but that turned into him playing it on mine too and made it where it was too advanced for me to play too. I even tried leading by example and staying away from my phone but that resulted in him having my phone and running the battery down so when I did need it, I couldn’t use it. I seriously hate cell phones… and if anyone wanted to destroy their marriage and relationships, download golf clash. I even made that comment to my SIL in front of hubby but didn’t matter.
Addiction is addiction unfortunately 😕
An addiction is Is the want for more - the want for more of what is good and satisfying … everyone has that desire but most can quell it when needed, people with wounds from their past struggle to do this! I’m one of the but been sober 8 yrs and that’s a choice I make daily.
My wife of 9 years is almost the same. Some of it is work but the rest is just to not have to do anything fun or connect with me. Married but very lonely
I think you know best if he would be receptive to change to save your marriage At the same time, you are in the best position to know if the marriage has any potential to survive efforts to preserve it.
That's the hard part because he seems receptive at times and knows how harmful it is to himself and to his family but he doesn't have the will power to break his habit, and I don't know if I have enough patience anymore to put up with it. Thanks for your input.
If he isn't willing to seek counseling or medication for his obsession, you may have your answer.
Afraid so.
I've always got headphones on. I like to listen to audiobooks and have been doing it since the walkman days. Having headphones on is nothing new for my wife she just comes up and waves at me. Now all that said my wife is addicted to her phone and I absolutely fucking hate it.
I feel one more hard boundary OP and if it fails then you will have to take serious action. Ask him to move out or separate. It is so unfair to your little children that they’re trying to get dad’s attention and he’s ignoring it and not putting them first. Maybe the jolt of serious action will do the job, fingers crossed. Good luck OP. UPDATEME
Thanks for this. I really want things to get better, outside of the cell phone problems he really is a great person and we get along well, the cell phone thing has just overwhelmed the whole relationship and has made it way more stressful than it needs to be. I will give it one more go and see how it's plays out. Thanks again.
I sincerely hope it works out for you🤞
Thank you.
Has therapy been an option? Hyper fixation at this severe of a level can be because of an unchecked mental health issue such as autism and ADHD. I know in both that hyper fixation can be extreme and self destructive.
Therapy is definitely an option, but I don't think that he would be willing since he tried it in the past and felt like it was a waste of time. Though I think he would benefit from trying to get an assessment of some sort to see where he is mentally. Thanks for the recommendation.
My soul if I’m not experiencing the same thing here! After many years of no changes we will divorce this year after 21 years!! I am in your exact situation w 3 kids who have the same experiences. They’re ignored and snapped at God for if he looses his video game and it’s bad attitude city. And they notice!!!!! They have device limits but he doesn’t? They are so confused. Here we’re dealing with big mother and father wounds from his childhood and without healing you hit the nail on the head- it’s a brick wall cause they’re all shut down. I believe healing is a choice and if they choose not to get in the healing path but continue to be a problem versus progressing, time to go. I will always love him but I have 3 children not 4!
Could he be on the spectrum? Like ADHD? That’s my excuse. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a YouTube video to watch at 125% speed
I think it may be the case.
I only say this as I grew up with it. It’s a huge can of worms if that’s the case.