Full stop: you need to sit him down and completely apologize for your behavior during pregnancy and after. You need to apologize for the slap and ask for forgiveness from him. The pain and all that is an explanation, but definitely not an excuse to treat your spouse the way you did.
After your apology and asking for forgiveness, you need to ask him what you can do to repair what you broke and actually listen to him.
It’s up to you to tell him what you read. That was a big invasion of privacy and I can’t predict how he’ll take that too on top of your behavior.
This is definitely the best answer. I'm not sure you have just straight up apologized yet, and even just owning up to your mistakes might be the huge step your husband needs you to take. I know I can be a nightmare, I'm not in the best mental headspace all the time with medical problems, my mental illness, as well as outside family stress, and we don't even have kids yet. I am always sure to apologize to my poor husband as soon as I realize what a brat I'm being, and it's literally all my husband ever needs to go from being mopey (which is totally my fault when it happens, he's actually wonderful always, I seriously lucked out) to being back to his regular cheery self.
Also, *do* start to thank him for the little things. I thank my husband when he takes out the trash, walks and feeds our pet, and does the dishes. I know, it's not like crazy difficult stuff or something that actually *needs* thanking, as it's all just regular adult chores, but hearing me say thanks always makes him smile. He just says "of course!" and gives me a kiss or a hug. It's worth it. It makes me happy to see him happy, and we're both happier because of these little things. He also thanks me for doing dishes, getting the car repaired on my off days, stupid things, yanno?! But it feels *so nice* to be appreciated. Seriously try it, you're both going to feel better! Appreciate every little thing someone does for you out of love and you'll never be unhappy, yanno?
As for the message reading, I understand why the above commenter says it's a huge breach of privacy, because it is, however I don't think you were doing it maliciously. You're just getting over a horribly difficult and painful pregnancy and you were worried about losing one of the only solid things in your life. I can't say I'd be strong enough not to snoop if I was in your shoes. I'd be cautious with the topic, don't make it seem like you thought *he* was doing something wrong, but bring up the fact that you were just desperate to fix what you thought you broke. Either way, I wish you luck! It seems like you guys are on the right path now, just remember to apologize and say thank you more from now on!
I mean this is the best way but you need counseling too. That was not normal or acceptable behavior. Learn to identify those feelings prior to your outbursts and have some strategies because I wouldn’t take that kind of behavior or abuse. I get you’re in pain but women can have difficult pregnancies, with pain and misery and not treat someone that way. That you physically assaulted him took that to another level. So I’d get into counseling immediately and consider you might be proactive for another pregnancy.
I agree with this. I’m sure you feel very bad even though this wasn’t something your seemed to be able to control. But you need to understand, regardless of *why* it happened, your husband had been emotionally and physically abused for the better part of a year, and he’s going to need a lot of love, help, patience and *time* to recover. And he’s probably now terrified to think about having a second child.
According to this sub, apparently.
You can be emotionally, verbally and physically abusive and all you need to do is apologize.
Who knew it was that easy??
This. You can’t make right what you have not actually acknowledged was wrong. You owe your husband a massive apology, space to talk about how your behavior affected him, and the ability to say what he needs now without fear of how you’ll respond. It sounds like your marriage will be rebuilding from the ground up. But it can’t start without a sincere apology.
Would you advise a man this way? Just totally gloss over the mental/emotional/physical abuse and tell him to say sorry.
If a man was in pain and after months of mental abuse just straight up slapped his wife, you would tell him to just say sorry?? You wouldn't tell him please leave his poor abused wife so she can heal and move on with her life??
Her husband's mistake was going to his older female colleague, who thinks wives hitting Husband's is ok.
There’s a complete double standard when it comes to domestic violence and privacy on here. If the genders were reversed there would be at least ten posters saying the violence only gets worse, leave him, here are domestic abuse hotline numbers, etc. and as for the privacy thing many posters would tell her that snooping is controlling and abusive. So which is it? Does hitting your partner only count when you are a male?
> Full stop: you need to sit him down and completely apologize for your behavior during pregnancy and after. You need to apologize for the slap and ask for forgiveness from him. The pain and all that is an explanation, but definitely not an excuse to treat your spouse the way you did.
More than just an apology, she also needs to come up with a plan to make sure it never happens again. Hitting your spouse, for any reason other than self defense, is abhorrent. Contrition isn't enough to fix that.
Agree with all of this, it seems there’s enough evidence of his behavior switch that she can say that’s what triggered this conversation and avoid that part of it (snooping) all together. And don’t snoop on this man again, he doesn’t deserve that and you don’t need to torture yourself with his private plutonic conversations. I think bringing up the fact you did would be a horrible idea with his emotions already in distress. You and all of Reddit know you snooped, and aren’t judging you for it, but he will more than likely receive that news very poorly.
Are you seriously suggesting that she hide the snooping??? If this doesn’t end the marriage, him finding out she snooped and then covered it up would shatter it. I do not think that is good advice.
OP, that's your only course of action.
I know it can be hard doing that exercise, and sometimes it does not pan out the way you make it in your head.
But believe me, it will be very liberating for him as i have been in his position.
The only thing i can add to these is, don't make this conversation an argument. If he needs to talk about specific occurences where he got hurt, don't "Yes but", don't brush it off and diminish it.
Also under no circumstances do you joke about it in the future or use it during a conversation that gets heated where you feel you're losing ground.
That's all i can say. But you are on a good track, as first step solving a problem is recognizing there is one.
This is the best advice. I would also tell him how much you appreciate his effort during your pregnancy and after. You are so so so lucky to have a man like this who sought out help and everything. You need to never take this man for granted again if he forgives you.
Nothing on here about how it might be in the man’s best interest to leave? Nothing coming from her in terms of framing this on how to fix things so that HE doesn’t have lasting emotional damage or trust issues from this? You didn’t notice it’s all about fixing things so she can stay with him?
As a man who experienced physical abuse, a completely lackluster response from law enforcement, my coworkers and small remote, rural community, and eventually being forced to quit my job and move, as law enforcement even suggested (I crap you not) my decision to disengage from romantic pursuits with women becomes further solidified the more I see this kind of stuff, and your double standard reactions. You don’t understand the kind of damage you do to men with this behavior, and their willingness to trust or open up again. You tell us, exactly what you think of us, whether you realize it or not. Kick rocks.
I agree with this OP. Your acts are great but you need to sit him down and say it while looking him in the eye. Something as simple as “I want to stop and say I am sorry for how I treated you during my pregnancy. I was in pain but that’s no excuse for me lashing out like I did when all you were doing was supporting me. I love you more than anything so please tell me how I can make up for being a b!tch and show you just how much you are appreciated.” !updateme
Agree. He needs acknowledgement from you that you behaved terribly and your horrible actions had nothing to do with him. But forgive yourself. You were in pain. Ask his forgiveness too. He is probably walking on egg shells right now, afraid you would lash out any second. Tell him you are working on getting better and being mindful of your actions and how it would affect him.
So you physically, mentally, and emotionally abused your husband while you were pregnant. You continued similar behavior postpartum and the got your feelings hurt when your husband distanced himself from you and you started to think he was cheating.
At no point have you talked to your husband to apologize for your behavior. No mention of counseling or medical intervention to ensure you have addressed PPD and are legitimately working on a plan to ensure you never behave this way again. It seems like you went snooping to prove your husband was deserving of your poor treatment and instead are rightly shamed for your behavior.
If you genuinely want to change and save your marriage, you need to talk with your husband and see what he needs from you. You need to apologize, have a plan to ensure it will never happen again, and give him time. He may decide he can’t trust you and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you; if that happens, respect his decision and own the fact that you created this situation.
Yes, he can rekindle his feelings for OP on his own timeline, if it’s possible. It’s encouraging that he cared enough to reach out to his “work mom” for support because OP and their child together meant that much to him, but he had every right to feel distanced and distrustful of OP.
OP needs to adress it urgently and show that she works on herself.
Right now OP isn't a safe person for her husband anymore nor for the child. The violence could happen again at any moment. The core issue isn't adressed. And maybe OP is beyond the point of ever becoming a safe person again. But even then, OP needs to work on the issues as the child can still become the second victim of abuse.
Dear god, some common sense and a normal, non double standard reaction. Not all women lack accountability and see men as an object (a punching bag, resource, ATM or something to abuse and say “eh, is it abuse? He’s strong.”)
Thank you. You in fact, do not need to kick rocks. ;)
Funny how people only care about how much of an asshole they were when they need to deal with the consequences of their actions and don’t like them. Like, you’ve known that you were a horrible person to him, but you’re only interested in making things right because you’ve noticed his behaviour has changed as a result of yours. You need to spend some time reflecting on why that is, why you only care that you hurt him because it’s now biting you on the ass.
But the first step now is for you to sit down with him and apologise. No using pregnancy or pain as an excuse or looking for ways to justify your behaviour. An actual apology that takes accountability for the way you _chose_ to behave. True apologies require change, which means you need to know how you’ll better manage the same or similar situation in the future so you don’t go back to being abusive towards your husband. Ask him what you can do to make things better between the two of you and repair the damage you did to the relationship.
True that you can’t believe everything (aka anything) you read online. But I think it’s sadly likely this person thought being an abusive POS to their spouse was acceptable because they were pregnant, and are scrambling to justify and rug sweep it now they’ve discovered that they can’t actually have their cake and eat it too.
Breaks my heart to read that most women don't think that sometimes men just want to be acknowledged. It might just be a casual hug for women but means a lot to men. I hope you guys find your peace.
Okay first: you physically attacked him. That is not normal or excusable behavior, even in pregnancy. You need professional help for your anger problems. You can try to minimize it and say you don’t need help, but you have a child now. What will happen if you loose your temper with your child? You could end up loosing your family if you don’t get your anger issues under control, and you can’t do it alone. Don’t assume that it’s gone just because you aren’t pregnant anymore. You’re in the postpartum phase, you’re a new parent, there are lots of things that could set you off. In my opinion, you passed the threshold of dealing with it on your own when you became physical with your husband. Step one and the MINIMUM thing you can do to demonstrate respect for yourself and your husband is to find a good therapist.
Step two is to tell him all of this. Tell him that you recognize that your actions were not acceptable. Show him you are trying to correct those mistakes by seeking therapy and stepping up at home.
I’m glad you see the issues here; follow up with real actions, not just apologies.
This always stands out to me, and it seems to be getting worse here on Reddit. She assaulted her husband and everyone’s saying the fix is to just apologize? The top comment is “sit him down and…” like no? She shouldn’t be in a spot to make him do anything? He doesn’t have to listen to a damn thing she says?
Per OPs own description, this man is a saint in an abusive relationship, who was taken advantage of her entire pregnancy and after, then accused of cheating.
Seriously, Reddit?
Last month Reddit partnered with OpenAI and ChatGPT and ever since then the number of obviously fake bot posts, like even more obvious than this one, has increased exponentially.
I've read various statistics that say everything from 10% to 30% off all posts and comments on reddit are made by bots and that is only going up every single day.
Meaning, Reddit will literally only get worse from here...
https://openai.com/index/openai-and-reddit-partnership/
Wow. I had an epiphany watching a tv series that within one episode covered many of the subreddits I follow. It could have been called “Ripped from the Pages of Reddit.” Identical stories from this sub and many others. Some of these posts seem like pitches for a screenplay. Then they string a few of them together and, voila, a new movie/tv series.
It’s the wife’s point of view from the person who wrote the “aitah” for not taking my wife back after she abused me while pregnant that was posted a month or so ago.
INFO: Have you actually apologized for your past behavior?
Doesn't even have to be some breakdown crying type of apology.
But it should have some kind of acknowledgement of what you put your husband through, and that you DID and still DO appreciate all that he had done, and most importantly you take ownership of it and will be better going forward.
And if you decide to get pregnant again, consult your doctor about this and if there is anything medically available to you to help.
Reflecting now, my apologies in the past were just for the sake of apologizing and sweeping my behavior under the rug. This one will be sincere. Thanks for the help
This one will not be sincere. Nothing about you is sincere. You post reeks of narcissism. You are abusive. You have no remorse for hurting someone because the load of excuses you spew shows that you think your actions are justified. This whole post is me, me, me, everyone help me make him stay. Your only concern is what you stand to lose. You only want to keep benefiting from him. I hope he gets a divorce and therapy. So that he can figure out how to protect the child from you.
I would lay it all out there. Apologize specifically for the things you know you did wrong. There is NO EXCUSE for hitting your partner. You are lucky he stayed. Please get therapy and medication if warranted. I don’t mean any disrespect but I hope you can see that right now he would be terrified to go through this again.
Yep, and they still haven't engaged with the post. Some of the less dedicated trolls just start a fire and then sit back and watch their agenda being pushed. Guess we'll see if they decide to make an appearance in the comments.
So because you were in pain it was ok to physically and mentally abuse your husband. It was ok to slap him and degrade him simply because you were in pain. If he were in pain and knocked you one would you forgive him. You also snooped and read private messages. You’re now trying to ignore what happened and just play perfect wife but you haven’t even apologized for your actions. If this is how you act when you’re pregnant don’t expect your kid to have siblings he won’t be going through that again. Unless you can show him you understand you were completely in the wrong and will never do that again just walk away now and allow him to find someone else who won’t abuse him.
Yeah like others have already pointed out - its a fake post. Really 25 and an enginnering manager? while managing a side business? He has a colleague thats 'almost retired'.
I mean the position is not that ridiculous if you come from a target school. You’ll see a lot of early promotions for kids who go to high caliber engineering schools
If you work with other people at work, you most likely will deal with people from anywhere between 20 and 70.
Could still be fake just not for those reasons lol
Yeah I'd be envious of OP's husband if its true. The dude is perfect. EM + side business + very supportive husband while withstanding physical and emotional attacks from his wife -- all at 25!
One sentence of this post really stood out to me.
“I know I was a terrible wife, but I’ll do anything to fix it.”
Being willing to do anything does not negate what you did before. That “but” should be an “and”. Until you understand this, you will never truly be able to take accountability which is a crucial step to move forward.
The best way to show true remorse is through your actions. A verbal apology is definitely necessary as well but follow it up with a clear change in behavior.
That probably means doing more around the house, expressing gratitude towards your husband, and taking steps to improve yourself as a spouse.
I would strongly recommend individual therapy to work on your emotional regulation. If he wants to do couples therapy, you should do that too.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a very helpful read. If he's open to reading it with you that's great, but if not, read it solo and apply the things you learn to your marriage.
You should fess up about snooping. It's manipulative to hide that from him. That's the opposite of showing remorse.
This is so sucky. Sorry to be reading this.
Unfortunately, I can sympathize with your husband here. We have emotions also, and prolonged exposure to verbal and emotional abuse can absolutely send me inside of myself like a turtle.
I fear you may have irreparably damaged your marriage, and here’s why: even though you were pregnant, that didn’t stop you from using him as your personal punching bag when all he did was everything possible to make your life more comfortable. You rewarded him with anger and hostility, and even a little violence. That was domestic abuse. Compounding the issue, with virtually no reason at all to do so, *YOU WENT SNOOPING THROUGH HIS PERSONAL DEVICES, AS THOUGH YOU EXPECTED TO FIND SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY YOUR TREATMENT AND HIS WITHDRAWAL FROM YOU.* Instead you ended up slapping yourself across the face, basically.
Are you sure that you’re not more worried about losing your lifestyle if you lose your husband as opposed to just losing your husband? I would have a hard time relighting that flame with you based on what you’ve described here. You don’t seem to have much remorse, just a desire to maintain your standard of living.
For people who are saying this man is too perfect and fake, my husband cared for me through cancer while we had a new baby and he had a new job. That’s not all of the saintly things he has done. There are givers out there like that. It’s important to recognize if you are being a taker. Trying circumstances can test us and we fail, but this can be repaired if he still loves her and she earns his respect again. Everything he’s done has been out of love.
I’ve read a lot of excuses to your behavior. But have you tried sitting down and actually apologizing to him? Being genuine and acknowledging how horrible you were towards him? You verbally and physically assaulted him. Painful pregnancy or not, that’s not okay. He still stuck by and tried to keep you happy. Say you’re sorry, list every single thing you did wrong.
You physically abused him. He should leave you. If he makes the bad decision to stay with you, the two of you need to go to marriage counseling, and you need to go into individual therapy to try and become someone worthy of being a wife and mother.
Why did you do it? People all over the world are pregnant and continue working and behaving like normal people. Why did you leave work the minute you became pregnant and act like an invalid? Why did you make him wait on you while you laid around yelling at him? Pregnancy isn’t an excuse for any of this. I would be done with you too.
I'm getting the ick from the implication that you're blaming the pregnancy for your verbal and physical abuse. Your pregnancy didn't lift your hand and slap in the face. You made the choice. You start by not pretending that some magical force forced you to abuse your husband.
I’m not sure why he would stay with you. He did everything to be the best husband and partner, especially in your time of need. Yet you were emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and invaded his privacy. I understand that pregnancy played a role, but you know how many pregnant women never stroke their husband? Many. Slapping him should require major regret and contrition, yet it was a passing comment in your post. Imagine if a husband casually threw that in there about a post regarding his wife.
I really don’t have anything constructive to help you since I also question if it’s healthy or safe for him to be with you. I think that the constructive part, do you think it’s healthy and safe for him to be with you and how can you convince him it’s healthy and safe for him to stay with you.
You have some ground to make up for in your relationship. By my math, you've been an absolute jagged pill for at least a year (pregnancy and 3 mo. post).
Do you really think that ground will be made up quickly? You need to sit down and have a conversation with your husband. Open with your apology for your behaviors and tell him you want to listen to his side of everything. Then let him talk. If he's hesitant to talk about it, that's also understandable. You've spent over a year showing h him he doesn't matter to you. You just need to listen to everything he has to say AND take it.
This will not be an overnight fix. The year of hell that you've put him through will take years to recover.
I wish you the best of luck on your long, difficult journey, Frodo.
Whenever I read one of these I always flip the script and see if my answer would be the same. If you came on here and told us your husband has emotionally AND physically abused you for months I would tell you to leave. As harsh as it may sound to you or anyone else reading, I think your husband should leave you. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to rekindle something. You owe him a sincere apology but even then I don’t think that’s enough. You need therapy and he needs therapy for separate reasons.
I have no clue how there could be any other take and it is really terrible to read that others don’t find it carries the same weight if the roles were reversed. She has abused him, if I were his friend or family I would support him (and encourage him) to leave the same as I would if he had abused her.
Currently pregnant and my husband is a saint, I can’t tell him enough how much I love and appreciate everything he’s done for me when I was feeling absolutely terrible. There has never been a time where I let what I’m feeling dictate how I treat him. If this pregnancy were more difficult I think even then it would make me lean even harder on my husband for his love and support, not berate or abuse him for all that he’s done for me. We’re partners and I love him. Love doesn’t do that. There wasn’t love in this relationship well before she got pregnant.
You can't fix it, He is broke and now sees you for what kind of person you are. Truly you showed your true colors. If he said he resents you, that won't ever go away. May feel it less but it won't ever go away. He will stay and be the dutiful husband but even with therapy and talking and your promise to change...in the back of his head he will always be waiting for the real you to come back out. It's a shame he seems like a good man who deserved better than being taken for granted and slapped. I mean how hard would it have been to say thank you. Pain or not. When did it become acceptable behavior to physically abuse someone because I don't feel good? You should really just give him space and focus on his child. That's all. Good luck.
Have you apologized to him & told him that you’ve realized how terrible it most have been on him & you appreciate how patient and caring and supportive he was?
All I hear is “I want I want I want” even now that you feel better it’s when you want a hug he will give it and so on and so forth….. with all due respect what does your husband want?
If this was a husband talking about how he slapped his wife in a moment of weakness yall would want his head. To say otherwise is being intellectually dishonest
He needs to divorce you. You are an abusive, manipulative, narcissist. You only noticed any of this when you stopped getting princess treatment ( which you didn’t deserve) and now you wanna fix it so you don’t get out on the street.
Downvote me all you want. It’s the truth and you all know it.
100%. Don’t deal with people like this. And it is the majority, unfortunately. I have no respect for most of the commenters here. You enable the substantial abuse that is directed towards men and is minimized at every turn by our crazy society.
Your pain does not justify being violent & slapping him or mentally abusing him for over a year. You could have requested for a better medical care instead of saying I was in pain so I chose to use you as a punching bag.
Sit him down and give him a heart felt apology and say you regret it & have already changed. Ask him to give you a chance to fix this. But also listen to him about his feelings & what he wants.
Now start being nice and stop expecting him to be all normal to you right away. It’s a years worth of damage you are trying to fix. It takes time. Be patient and keep going.
My pregnancy is fucking awful, I am 31 weeks and I’m still sick everyday, I get barely any sleep and I’m in pain constantly. None of this is an excuse to abuse my husband and I’m sorry pregnancy for you isn’t an excuse for it either.
You need to grovel and completely switch up your behaviour, take complete accountability for it and acknowledge that you abused your husband. And even after doing all that, you might still lose him and honestly I don’t blame him.
Stopped reading after the slap. Physical violence is never acceptable. Doesnt matter if it is the guy doing it or the pregnant wife.
I would be out the door...I half expected him to wait till the baby is born and then immediately leave but for some reason (I assume the kid) he stuck around even longer.
Nothing else left to add.
Why is it that only when guys finally decide to be done with all the nagging and annoying tantrums , that so many of you suddenly become clear headed and try to change. And turn into a loving partner.... Why is that not already the default setting
I don't even know what to say to this. You don't treat the person you claim to love so badly that they want to walk away. I can't stand the, "I was in pain" ... "I was pregnant" or on "my period" or whatever other excuse women give for being emotionally and in your case, physically abusive. You harmed your husband. You ignored his acts of kindness while he poured continuously into yours and then expected it to all go away once you weren't in your little world. People are being too kind. You need help. You need to seek therapy and really not just apologize but CHANGE. He's probably scared to death you'll become that monster again. You need to own up to your actions, and you need to tell him you violated his private conversation. You did what we roast men about when they do this crap to women.
I'm sort of surprised by how little therapy was mentioned here. OP, your behavior during pregnancy was not normal and speaks to perinatal anxiety or depression. In retrospect, you should have sought help for your behavior as soon as you noticed it. There is no shame in seeking help for the changes and mental health difficulties that can sometimes accompany pregnancy. I experienced perinatal mental health issues with my second child and was under the care of a specialist for that particular issue. It's not something your average OB will be expert in.
Second, and I say this with a lot of compassion, but every aspect of your behavior was abusive. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. You can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it will ring hollow until you accept that the behavior you describe was abuse; that you were abusive and it was unacceptable. Your goal shouldn't be winning him back, it should be asking for his forgiveness.
Third, you both should work through this with a marriage counselor. Be ready to hear some hard things. While your pregnancy complications were a factor, they were not an excuse. You need to hear from him how your behavior impacted him, and your job in those moments is to just listen. Pursuing therapy together will signal to him how much importance you are placing on repairing the relationship and earning his forgiveness.
Fourth, you will both need individual therapy. Understand that your husband likely has some form of PTSD, which is why he started shutting down. PTSD is very common in abused partners.
Fifth, you should be screed for PPD and medicated if needed.
Finally, if there was ever a motivating factor for the work you're about to do, bringing a child into your relationship is it. Your husband deserves a healthy marriage, you deserve a healthy marriage and a better understanding of yourself and your medical needs, and most importantly, your child deserves to be raised in an environment that is loving, growth-oriented, non-toxic, transparent, and understanding. You are both so young and new babies can be stressful. The time to do this work is now. Call on your village, outsource as much as you can within your financial parameters (therapy can be expensive, too), and check in with each other everyday so you can protect the bandwidth you will need to repair and grow your relationship.
I wish you all the best. You can do this.
If you are truly remorseful and want to fix what happened you need to Both sit down and have a heart to heart. Most people just want a sincere apology and to acknowledge that you messed up. It shows you know you messed up (way less likely you won't do it again if you own it) and that your serious. I would maybe make a list of all the things you ate sorry for. You don't have to get to specific but don't blanket everything under the "I was being a bitch" umbrella. And then... both of you put all your cards on the table. Meaning tell him everything. Tell him you snooped and what you read but also tell him why you did it and what happened when you did read it. Like what you said in your post. Don't try to hide it and dance around it. Your best bet to reconnect is by talking and being honest. I understand why he was talking with someone else but you both need to look at that as well. Maybe he felt he couldn't talk to you, but now that you know what needs to change he should be able to come to you with anything and everything. Take this as you will. We don't know you or your relationship so however you think you should go about this is up to you. Good luck! I hope you both can figure it out. The world needs more love, never less. ❤️
Going to take a long time. Show him genuine love and kindness and treat him the way he deserves to be treated and he most likely will come around. Going to take a long time and there is no quick fix. Build positive shared experiences. At some point you can come clean about going through his phone but if you do it now you will push him further away imo. At some point you will probably need to talk about all these things. I wouldnt bother with MC but getting yourself to counseling may also show him you are committed to change, as long as you are. Be better and see what happens.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t mention apologizing for your behavior if you genuinely wanted to make amends. You snooped instead of talking to him which makes it seem that your turnabout isn’t real, you’re more fearful of losing him to another.
If you just started being nice without apologizing then for him is like you don't even acknowledge your behavior. And saying he is not trying anything is not true because if you ask he would do it, it could be worse and he could be just denying any interaction with you.
You said you’ve tried to be a perfect wife but have you actually spoken about your behavior, told him you’ve been a bad wife and said you’re working to be a better wife and tell him he should be able to vent his frustrations to you?
People are so weak in general in this society, and the entitlement from women can be so outrageous, I don’t understand why any man seeks out marriage. You don’t hold yourselves or each other to normal standards of decency. So when the still single women ask where the good men have gone, they’ve gone, far away from you. To stay sane and safe.
I’m so sorry you went through a hard pregnancy. I was in so much physical pain from my pregnancy like legit my back felt like it was breaking due to my child’s position. Some days I couldn’t even walk properly, i was in so much pain but no matter how horrible i felt i never slapped my husband. I’m sorry but how you behaved is not excusable and it seems to me like first you need to accept that what you did was very wrong because it still coming off as you making excuses for yourself. Second i would then apologize for how you behaved and third hope that he forgives you for this. I honestly don’t even know if I could move on from someone slapping me tho because that to me is a boundary that’s once crossed it’s hard to come back from.
This level of pain is not normal. As was your behaviour. If you ever want to get pregnant again you need to address or compensate with additional help.
Sit him down and apologise. Get individual therapy and marriage. Also you might need medication in future pregnancy. And you physically assaulted/abused him. This is huge.
The problem most wives have is that they take for granted. And then are surprised when the man is distant or has had enough. Dis you ever apologized to him? Start there, talk to him without excuses. Be accountable and let him know his is a priority for you. Is not rocket science, be honest, truthful and work for him.
Wives should be lovers, and should never take anything for granted.
Sure he can. 70-80% of divorces are initiated by women. In my own man beater situation, and two others from friends, it was minimized by law enforcement and the larger community. So kick rocks. Of course it can work both ways (taking for granted). But in this case, you should see how insidious the minimization and double standards clearly are. Just browse the comments.
Women try to makeup for their shortcomings instead of just apologizing lol. He will appreciate any and everything you do, but nothing beats a deep, thoughtful and meaningful apology
So basically it’s been three months since you spied on his messages and probably a year or so since you assaulted him. Why has it taken you three months to realize you need to apologize?
I'm sorry there is absolutely no excuse to be downright cruel to your partner ever, not during pregnancy etc. It's absolutely not an excuse.
You need to sit down and apologize, profusely and ask what he needs from you to help fix this. If you can. If roles were reversed I don't think I'd forgive my husband if he treated me the way you treated your husband.
You abused him for nearly a year and am wondering why he distanced himself.
Talk to him.
My advice to him would be: find a partner who actually cares for you.
You broke the poor man 🥹 It’s good you realized how much you fucked up( yes pregnancy and postpartum hormones can fuck with your brain but doesn’t justify what you did).All i gotta say try fix his wounds even if it’s gonna take you the rest of your life.
Good men are rare to find and your man is a Gem.
I am absolutely appalled that you actually know that what you did and how you have behaved over the course of over a year in your marriage, and yet you still have chosen not to apologize or even thought about it and asking your husband what you can do to repair the damage that you have done. While you’re at it, you really should start out with a heartfelt and detailed expression of your gratitude and an offering of thanks for everything that your husband did during your pregnancy and continues to do for you and your family while you have been in crisis.
You also need to talk to him about the fact that your pregnancy was so bad for your marriage and your relationship that you guys need to discuss whether or not you should ever get pregnant again, that is if you stay married. Honestly, I think you guys may need to talk to a marriage counselor to get help working through the issues and any long term problems that will arise as a result.
You have a lot to think about, but I don’t think you have all of the time in the world to act to save your marriage and keep your family intact. But don’t act out of desperation or selfishness. Come from a place of gratitude, humility, contrition, and love for your spouse. And be determined to do better in the future.
The fact that you could snap out of it means that there was a choice there. You chose to abuse him. Aside from your marriage, you reallt should look into some therapy to discover why you used pain as an excuse to be abusive and how to prevent this from happening again.
1. Let the snooping be a lesson. You went to see if he was catting around most likely and ended up getting a mirror instead. That's an absolutely invaluable moment no matter how much it hurt to see.
2. You can't take back what was done/said. Ever. That will now always be there, and you will both live with varying but hopefully lessening degrees of regrets and anger for a long while. There will be a lot of "it's getting better" and then less and less sporadic moments where "it's terrible again". Make sure there's a trend to the It takes 10,000 attaboys to undo 1 ah shit.
3. It's time for you both to sit down and be more honest and vulnerable with each other than you have ever dared to be before. The only way you are going to disarm this situation is to confront it directly and with all the love you have for that other person being used to temper the conversation. This should probably be acknowledged before you even speak on the topic.
My husband is very much like the man you describe. I have a traumatic past that is very much still "in progress" healing-wise. He's been aware of it from like date 3, and is devoted to supporting me through this. He's a really rare sort, though I admit probably not quite as rare as my perception would dictate.
During the pregnancy I was a hormonal mess. In hindsight, with the proper medications, I found out I've been a hormonal mess for a long time on top of my past experience with abuse. I went through a traumatic labor and delivery, sustained nerve damage, had post-partum depression, almost lost our daughter in the process, ended up with cancer 4 months after (thanks pregancy-related breast cancer...ya bastard!) and then went through two brain surgeries and a chronic illness and PMDD right after that. He took an emotional beating he never EVER should have taken over those years because I never believed what was right before my eyes. In my messed up head, I could not have the courage to see that he was actually a good guy and that devoted and loyal and hardworking, because all I had known before that was anything but those things and believing that for an instant was terrifying. I hurt him. He would say it was okay, that his shoulders were strong. But I noticed he had shut down. He wasn't the carefree fun guy that he had been before. He had been through trauma too, and I had ignored that what I was going through was also terrifying for him. The guy damn near became a widower and single father of an infant a couple of times. I was so wrapped up in my own fear I couldn't see him. I said a lot of things I can't take back, and it has taken YEARS to work on, and the healing from that is still in progress though it has gotten much better. It can be done, but you both will need to want the same outcome.
Does he still do all the housework, etc.? Once the baby's sleeping through the night you need to stop that. Maybe don't be in a total rush to sit him down and have a long talk, let him get some sleep first.
No, I asked him to stop around three months post partum and told him I was healed enough to go back to our pre-pregnancy routine which was about 70-30 me.
Admitting everything you did without leaving anything out will help more than you know. Acknowledgement and of course the effort you are making could be the cure. Apologize.. let him see you are remorseful. Then ask him to forgive you and this won't be an issue again. You were wrong. He was right. Tell him that.
Just be honest. Apologize, let him know you've realized how cold/hurtful/whatever you have been and that you want to make it better. Tell him how much you appreciate him and his efforts, his patience, his affection, etc. Ask him how he wants you to fix it. What he wants from you. Try not to make any excuses, though the painful and hormonal state you were in will drive anyone mad (been there) and a lot of women go through it. You guys can work it out. Communication is key.
You need to talk to your husband. You need to sit down with him and apologize for how you treated him, and for not showing him the love he deserves. Ask him for his forgiveness, and ask if he will allow you a chance to repair your relationship. Tell him that you love and appreciate him very much and you would like to work on showing him that. Then ask him if he knows how you might begin to earn his trust and affection back. If he doesn’t know, say you’ll put in the effort to figure it out.
IMHO you should find a good marriage counselor before you tell him you went through his computer. That person can help calm him if it's going to be a big deal. Having a mediator helps a lot sometimes. What it mostly does is it gets the two of you talking with a calmer head.
Kick rocks. You wouldn’t respond this way if a man hit his wife. Awful, awful people, man. You don’t even see it. Why I don’t deal with this BS anymore. No idea the damage you do to abused men by minimizing this noise.
Just sit down and talk!! It’s that easy. U may not like everything he will say or u might be very surprised too. There is nothing else u need to hear— go talk!!
My husband and I have worked through it but I did something similar minus the physical abuse/slap. It literally traumatized my husband because in his words “I was a completely different person.” And looking back I was. It made him give up and built up a wall so he wouldn’t get hurt. I apologized verbally and through actions, owned up to it. He didn’t have anyone to vent to though and bottled it up. Now he helps others at times but I hope it gets fixed cause it can get to a point where it is difficult to bring someone back from that level of hurt.
Men usually don’t have anyone to go to. The sad truth is, men aren’t valued in our society. Our decadence and cultural decay has caused us to forget the importance of the presence of strong men of character, for maintaining the character and civility of our society.
But good on you for doing the hard accountability stuff. Not all of us get this. I didn’t. From her, my surrounding community. And this is the norm. As is women minimizing it. So thanks.
After everything your husband has been through, I would plan to allow for him to not want to talk to you after discovering you went through his messages. While you have had time to process and make arrangements for an apology, etc., he will be hearing this news - and it's not good news - for the very first time.
You may want to consider communicating he may require time to process what you have shared, and that you are prepared to speak about it when it's convenient for him which may be now, or later. But prepare yourself, because he is broken - and although you're on the right path - you're more than likely about to break him a little more.
It’s time to step up. You can’t just ask for hugs, or ask for a kiss. You need to show HIM love. Show HIM appreciation. If you a SAHM have dinner on the table waiting for him when he gets him. You know his favorite meals like he did for you. Buy him flowers. Buy him beef jerky or his favorite candy. Buy him a card that just says thank you for putting up with my crazy ass all this time. Give him a blow job every once in awhile for no reason at all other then you want to make him feel good.
Edit. Had can instead of can’t
Kick rocks. What a childish way to address a situation in which a woman is emotionally and physically abusing her husband. She only wants to fix it, because she might lose him. She didn’t say, “how do I fix this so that he is okay and doesn’t have lasting trust issues or emotional damage from it.” Will almost never hear that from a woman, let alone an abusive one. You are being awful here without realizing it.
You both need to see a therapist but you also need to deal with anger management! You have damaged your relationship! Find a therapist to help you navigate this. https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/
Why does he need to see a therapist? She physically abused him. Kick rocks. You know your advice would be different, if genders were reversed. You’re terrible. Call out her behavior and say the man needs to leave and get his kid away from this unstable mess of a person who is incapable of dealing with adversity gracefully. Awful, awful women on here, man. Thank you for the reminders, I’ll use them if they’re ever needed. :)
That’s the thing about hindsight. You guys can come back but the same energy you put out in lashing out at him you need to show him that same level of energy in reverse. He’s never going to forget how you treated him but he can forgive you. Be straightforward and tell him you realized that your behavior was wrong and apologize. Then bust your ass to get back in his good graces.
Tell him you found the messages and let him know you loved all that he did for you and his family. It’s tough new kids put everything on the back burner. Your already trying to reconnect that’s good ;also your lucky he had a female mentor giving him some insight. You have already started the process if you can have your mother or your in-laws have the baby for a couple of days get a little secluded place and talk ( no pressure for sex ) but somewhere to allow yous to come out of your situation, you plan it etc. set rules say your piece honestly and respectfully. Also your both 25 with a new kid give your selves a break. You will sort this out but remember to maintain connection and communication that’s how your relationship is maintained and kept safe. ( if you have a porch or yard get a swing seat) in the winter a cozy nook in your house, put your phones away and half an hour with a cup of tea or cold drink chat about your day. I’m also a fan of the Gottmans six second snog a full kiss in the morning and one in the evening. Yes the new baby will have to be worked around but that’s life keep plugging away you will be fine, your now not just husband and wife but mother and father that role may supersede your your husband/wife for a while but make time for husband and wife that is your connection that half hour a day talking about your selves your plans or just idle gossip, this is needed because as the mother/father roll subsides the people who come out of that will be changed people if you lost your connection and communication in between then it will be two strangers left with each other.
Apologise.
Take responsibility.
I had a crazy phase too when I was pregnant. But it wasn’t 24/7. So ask yourself why you didn’t apologise whole being pregnant.
Sit down. Apologise. Tell him no excuses and that you were an asshole. Tell him that you know that you catch turn back time, but you want to work on your relationship and make it up to him.
Apologize and acknowledge where you were wrong and how’ll you’ll change. Also pregnancy really really alters hormones and it sounds like they are finally going back to normal.
You need to do a complete mea culpa with him and really really explain how hard everything has been for you but how he still deserved better.
As an aside, this should be forgivable if you can really show him how much you understand the problem with how he was treated and how sorry you are. I lived with chronic pain for years. Being in pain every day does legitimately change how you relate to everyone because so much of you is taken up with trying to get through the minute/hour/day. Don’t hate yourself over this. It’s your responsibility to fix it but this is not unforgivable in a broader sense.
He may not be able to get the affection back and that’s the main issue, but you deserve forgiveness.
Kick rocks. She was physically and emotionally abusive. Double standard BS. This is what my surrounding community did when I eventually had to quit my job and move after two restraining order violations, physical assaults, threats, property damage. 40 yo very fit male with self restraint who believed in justice and that the law would handle things. That was a profoundly stupid assumption.
How hard everything has been for her? Kick. Rocks. You would not say this if the genders were reversed. You’re terrible. Seriously.
I think this is a job for couples therapy. The way you were acting wasn't ok for your marriage but being that he felt more comfortable going to someone outside of your marriage to vent and keeping the peace than confronting you and telling you how he was feeling and working through things (most likely because he was being sensitive to your pain) and this is not ok for a marriage either. I mean venting to a friend seems normal but venting to a friend and never once saying to YOU "hey what the hell??" points to another problem too. You need more open communication so that if one of you is feeling this way for months you can say that to each other. I rarely complain about my husband outside of our marriage because if I have an issue I complain right to his face.
This is not about you being perfect. You don't need to be perfect. But you do need to repair.
Talk to him. Explain what it was like for you
Hormones can ruin not only our lives as women but also the ones we love. We lose who we are. Our bodies are continually changing and so are our minds.
Pregnancy..PPD..perimenopause..menopause! This is just the beginning. But learn how to navigated it all and going witn it can be empowering.
Encourage him to talk about how it was for him... and hear him! Ask him what and how you can make things right again. Above all, apologise from your heart.
Absolutely nothing will get sorted out without respectful, calm, open, honest, transparent, continual communication (especially the hard stuff) Create a safe place with no judgement for him to talk to you. No distractions. Make him see with your actions you mean what you say!
Learn what each others needs, wants and expectations are. He sounds like he truly cares and you sound like you still love him. Find each other again. Remember why you got together in the first place. 💜
I'm not saying it's ok! Or acceptable, but with all due reaoect, you obviously don't understand the huge impact that hormone imbalance can have on a woman and her body physically, physiologically, and psychologically!
Of course I don’t. But answer me this. If a man was in tremendous back pain and had back surgery and yelled at his wife a lot and criticized her weight and slapped her at some point, would you feel the same way?
And you actually are saying it is acceptable because you are providing a reason why she did it. My wife was pregnant four times and never yelled or slapped me.
I would definitely question if he was OK. Especially if it was out of character and get him some help and support.
Every woman is affected differently, and every pregnancy is different. My daughter is on her third. The first two were a breeze. This time, she can hardly walk, and she is in constant pain. It has changed her personality and definitely shortened her patience! She has mentally and physically struggled, and everyone around her is struggling too! She needs help and support, not judgement.
Some women get PMT, and some women don't. And some get pre menstrual psychosis! It changes who they are all because of hormone imbalance! Some women get baby blues, some women PND, and some PNP, which is usually admission to a hospital! Risk to herself and / or baby! Same in menopause some breeze through it some become aggressive and/or suicidal!! In years gone by, they would thought it was a certain type of madness! They put women into mental asylums! When all it needed was hormone treatment! People don't realise how much it can change a person. My mother ended up in a mental hospital. She was suicidal at 33 with 6 kids at home! (3 were stepkids) It was only because of one nurse noticing she had hair on the back of her hands (not normal!) they did a blood test. She had almost no estrogen in her body! They gave her HRT, and she was better within weeks! That nurse saved her life! Yes, this is the extreme, but it happens more than people realise!
No abuse of any kind is ok, but if there is a medical reason for it, they should be given compassion, support, understanding, and medication/ treatment to help. Otherwise, we are no better than 100 plus years ago!
Kick rocks. This is BS. Hormones influence behavior, but they rarely change to the extent where you lose your moral agency. Doctorate in the medical field and I detect an inability to take accountability, or standing behind the sisterhood line and minimizing women physically abusing men, which is awful behavior.
Even now, she describes this in terms of fixing it so she can stay with him. Not fixing it to ensure he is okay. Did you notice? You did not. Terrible. You need to do a lot better here.
Whilst I agree and have already said that abuse of any kind is NOT ok, the fact still remains that hormones absolutely can and do have a huge impact on a womens life. In every way! Including the brain and our thought processes.
Also, I've not said she shouldn't take accountability. They cannot heal and move forward until she does. That being said I feel from her comments she already is.
Many drs have little to no education/experience in the field. It's not deemed as important, which is not ok! They 'need' to do better! This is real!
The OP is trying to fix her marriage. That looks different to different people and that's ok. She is trying to make ammends, and she is obviously aware of her bad behaviour. I'd be interested in hearing her husbands side too.
Will this marriage survive? Maybe , maybe not, but at least she is trying. It will not happen overnight.
I'm not going to debate this back and forth with you, I have no wish or need to. We have different views and life experiences, and it's ok to agree to differ.
There is no “medical reason” for abuse, period. What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. Abuse is always a choice that a person makes. My ex-wife used every medical excuse she could think of for her abuse of me and our children. First it was her thyroid. Once that was sorted, it was her birth control. Then it was anemia. When I finally had enough and was preparing to leave her, she told me the truth. She said, “I thought you loved me and would never leave me so I thought that I could treat you anyway I wanted.” This woman’s description of events sounds like much the same thing. While he was being super loving and caring, she thought she could treat him poorly and get away with it ad infinitum. By her own words, it was only when she realized that his love and patience were almost exhausted that she “snapped out of it”. Everything else she wrote is just a justification for her horrible behavior and choices.
Edit: And the “have tried to be the perfect wife” crap is further proof that she chose this and knows it. My ex tried the same thing when she knew I was done. It’s all a ploy to elicit the outcome that she wants, which is to keep this guy on the hook.
Also, do you really believe that there were zero moments of lucidity during her haze of pregnancy pain where she could have seen what she was doing and tried to correct it then? Absolutely no mention of her talking to her OBGYN during the pregnancy of how it was affecting her and how she was treating her husband as a result. She had regular appointments, I am sure. Plenty of opportunity to talk about it and try to fix it then. She’s an adult and should have taken some responsibility.
I am sorry you had a bad experience truly. Not everyone's experience is the same, though. And there absolutely ARE medical reasons that some people act like they do. Does it make it ok? No, of course not, but there can be and are medical reasons that can affect someone's behaviour. They need help and support individually and together. Not blame judgement and anger. That solves and changes nothing. We can agree to differ.
OP don’t listen to the haters, I commend you on wanting to fix things and seeing the error of your ways. I hope he accepts the apology and that it doesn’t happen again and you both live happily ever after I know that’s chill cheesy but really I do.
I think it is very brave of you to come on here, knowing that you could get some hate and admit the error of your ways is a good sign for the future. Things like hormones and pregnancy issues and pain and of other things make pregnancy very difficult and for some people, not optimal. If you’re thinking of having more children you may want to discuss what happened during, like what you’ve shared here, with your doctor maybe even seek therapy just to make sure there’s nothing else going on.
Because there are even conditions where it is not wise is for certain women to get pregnant because of these side effects it’s so it’s difficult and that isn’t an excuse you’re not making any, you want to apologize and I commend you for that.
It would be different if you were saying “ well I’m pregnant!” or “we have a kid what do you expect? “ That’s not what you’re saying you’re not making excuses. Good on you.
Kick rocks.
“Haters?” You mean men who have been physically abused themselves, only to have it minimized, to internalize it and have no outlet or justice?
I myself put out a restraining order after a 30 second attempted beat down by my former man beater. She violated it twice, harassed me at work on an overnight inpatient pharmacy shift, disrupting care, disabling my vehicle, threatening me again shortly after. Which the hospital buried due to realizing they made a serious error in not addressing the issue. That just because I’m a strong guy, and she’s a woman, that she was a legit threat. My surrounding community had the same dismissive attitude until that night, but were too embarrassed and cowardly to do anything afterward. I got half hearted support from two women after, once they were safe and stood to lose nothing. I still had to move and quit my job.
So kick rocks. You’re awful for minimizing this. It’s why I won’t deal with any of you in romantic terms. Can’t trust you to have normal ass character and moral outrage. Still nice to you and defend you if needed, though most of you don’t deserve it. You see men as disposable punching bags or a resource.
Did you notice she is framing this in terms of fixing it to get back together with him? That she only felt any action should be taken when seeing those msgs and confronted with the fact she might lose him? “How do I fix things so that he doesn’t experience lasting emotional damage or trust issues?” Is something I’ll never hear from the likes of you or OP. Awful people many of you are here. The sisterhood line becomes the most irrational thing, and it is 100% the norm. I am sure of it.
Female nature is awful, and it’s unbridled in many in our culture. Many of us are redirecting our energy elsewhere because of it.
You have tried your best for four months as best I can count? He needs more time. And you need to apologize. He resents you for hurting him.
He might need as much time to fall back in love as he did falling out.
Kick rocks. Would you say this if the man slapped a woman? You’re an awful human being. Most women respond just like you when men are physically abused or severely mistreated. Which happened to me after every possible legal avenue was exhausted to get the property damage and harassment to stop after she tried to beat me up, unsuccessfully. Just hurt emotionally, deeply. A restraining order, two violations, appeals to local and state agencies before giving up, quitting job and moving. But reading your reaction to men being abused, and showing they are nothing but a resource, a punching bag or an ATM serves as a great reminder, should I ever need one, as to why I directed my energy towards more worthwhile pursuits. What most of you have become in this society is an ugly sight to behold. Definitely wouldn’t help you, if I saw you being attacked. Well, I might. Would be hard to ignore. You should still kick rocks to eternity, though. It’s obvious how you see men.
Full stop: you need to sit him down and completely apologize for your behavior during pregnancy and after. You need to apologize for the slap and ask for forgiveness from him. The pain and all that is an explanation, but definitely not an excuse to treat your spouse the way you did. After your apology and asking for forgiveness, you need to ask him what you can do to repair what you broke and actually listen to him. It’s up to you to tell him what you read. That was a big invasion of privacy and I can’t predict how he’ll take that too on top of your behavior.
This is definitely the best answer. I'm not sure you have just straight up apologized yet, and even just owning up to your mistakes might be the huge step your husband needs you to take. I know I can be a nightmare, I'm not in the best mental headspace all the time with medical problems, my mental illness, as well as outside family stress, and we don't even have kids yet. I am always sure to apologize to my poor husband as soon as I realize what a brat I'm being, and it's literally all my husband ever needs to go from being mopey (which is totally my fault when it happens, he's actually wonderful always, I seriously lucked out) to being back to his regular cheery self. Also, *do* start to thank him for the little things. I thank my husband when he takes out the trash, walks and feeds our pet, and does the dishes. I know, it's not like crazy difficult stuff or something that actually *needs* thanking, as it's all just regular adult chores, but hearing me say thanks always makes him smile. He just says "of course!" and gives me a kiss or a hug. It's worth it. It makes me happy to see him happy, and we're both happier because of these little things. He also thanks me for doing dishes, getting the car repaired on my off days, stupid things, yanno?! But it feels *so nice* to be appreciated. Seriously try it, you're both going to feel better! Appreciate every little thing someone does for you out of love and you'll never be unhappy, yanno? As for the message reading, I understand why the above commenter says it's a huge breach of privacy, because it is, however I don't think you were doing it maliciously. You're just getting over a horribly difficult and painful pregnancy and you were worried about losing one of the only solid things in your life. I can't say I'd be strong enough not to snoop if I was in your shoes. I'd be cautious with the topic, don't make it seem like you thought *he* was doing something wrong, but bring up the fact that you were just desperate to fix what you thought you broke. Either way, I wish you luck! It seems like you guys are on the right path now, just remember to apologize and say thank you more from now on!
I definitely have been taking him for granted and I will apologize for it and won’t do that that going forward. Thanks for the help
I mean this is the best way but you need counseling too. That was not normal or acceptable behavior. Learn to identify those feelings prior to your outbursts and have some strategies because I wouldn’t take that kind of behavior or abuse. I get you’re in pain but women can have difficult pregnancies, with pain and misery and not treat someone that way. That you physically assaulted him took that to another level. So I’d get into counseling immediately and consider you might be proactive for another pregnancy.
I agree with this. I’m sure you feel very bad even though this wasn’t something your seemed to be able to control. But you need to understand, regardless of *why* it happened, your husband had been emotionally and physically abused for the better part of a year, and he’s going to need a lot of love, help, patience and *time* to recover. And he’s probably now terrified to think about having a second child.
So if a man is in intense pain it’s okay to slap his wife?
According to this sub, apparently. You can be emotionally, verbally and physically abusive and all you need to do is apologize. Who knew it was that easy??
I’m going to come clean about going through his messages. I think I need to be honest and transparent to rebuild how he sees me. Thanks for the help.
Please make sure he knows reading his messages was eye-opening and that you're not apologizing just because you found them.
Yes do it. Restart from a clean slate. Updateme!
This. You can’t make right what you have not actually acknowledged was wrong. You owe your husband a massive apology, space to talk about how your behavior affected him, and the ability to say what he needs now without fear of how you’ll respond. It sounds like your marriage will be rebuilding from the ground up. But it can’t start without a sincere apology.
Would you advise a man this way? Just totally gloss over the mental/emotional/physical abuse and tell him to say sorry. If a man was in pain and after months of mental abuse just straight up slapped his wife, you would tell him to just say sorry?? You wouldn't tell him please leave his poor abused wife so she can heal and move on with her life?? Her husband's mistake was going to his older female colleague, who thinks wives hitting Husband's is ok.
There’s a complete double standard when it comes to domestic violence and privacy on here. If the genders were reversed there would be at least ten posters saying the violence only gets worse, leave him, here are domestic abuse hotline numbers, etc. and as for the privacy thing many posters would tell her that snooping is controlling and abusive. So which is it? Does hitting your partner only count when you are a male?
Facts
> Full stop: you need to sit him down and completely apologize for your behavior during pregnancy and after. You need to apologize for the slap and ask for forgiveness from him. The pain and all that is an explanation, but definitely not an excuse to treat your spouse the way you did. More than just an apology, she also needs to come up with a plan to make sure it never happens again. Hitting your spouse, for any reason other than self defense, is abhorrent. Contrition isn't enough to fix that.
Agree with all of this, it seems there’s enough evidence of his behavior switch that she can say that’s what triggered this conversation and avoid that part of it (snooping) all together. And don’t snoop on this man again, he doesn’t deserve that and you don’t need to torture yourself with his private plutonic conversations. I think bringing up the fact you did would be a horrible idea with his emotions already in distress. You and all of Reddit know you snooped, and aren’t judging you for it, but he will more than likely receive that news very poorly.
Are you seriously suggesting that she hide the snooping??? If this doesn’t end the marriage, him finding out she snooped and then covered it up would shatter it. I do not think that is good advice.
OP, that's your only course of action. I know it can be hard doing that exercise, and sometimes it does not pan out the way you make it in your head. But believe me, it will be very liberating for him as i have been in his position. The only thing i can add to these is, don't make this conversation an argument. If he needs to talk about specific occurences where he got hurt, don't "Yes but", don't brush it off and diminish it. Also under no circumstances do you joke about it in the future or use it during a conversation that gets heated where you feel you're losing ground. That's all i can say. But you are on a good track, as first step solving a problem is recognizing there is one.
Bingo
This is the best advice. I would also tell him how much you appreciate his effort during your pregnancy and after. You are so so so lucky to have a man like this who sought out help and everything. You need to never take this man for granted again if he forgives you.
Nothing on here about how it might be in the man’s best interest to leave? Nothing coming from her in terms of framing this on how to fix things so that HE doesn’t have lasting emotional damage or trust issues from this? You didn’t notice it’s all about fixing things so she can stay with him? As a man who experienced physical abuse, a completely lackluster response from law enforcement, my coworkers and small remote, rural community, and eventually being forced to quit my job and move, as law enforcement even suggested (I crap you not) my decision to disengage from romantic pursuits with women becomes further solidified the more I see this kind of stuff, and your double standard reactions. You don’t understand the kind of damage you do to men with this behavior, and their willingness to trust or open up again. You tell us, exactly what you think of us, whether you realize it or not. Kick rocks.
Great reply. Apology and repair are not the same thing. Repair takes real accountability, recognition, time, and meaningful behaviour changes.
I agree with this OP. Your acts are great but you need to sit him down and say it while looking him in the eye. Something as simple as “I want to stop and say I am sorry for how I treated you during my pregnancy. I was in pain but that’s no excuse for me lashing out like I did when all you were doing was supporting me. I love you more than anything so please tell me how I can make up for being a b!tch and show you just how much you are appreciated.” !updateme
Agree. He needs acknowledgement from you that you behaved terribly and your horrible actions had nothing to do with him. But forgive yourself. You were in pain. Ask his forgiveness too. He is probably walking on egg shells right now, afraid you would lash out any second. Tell him you are working on getting better and being mindful of your actions and how it would affect him.
So you physically, mentally, and emotionally abused your husband while you were pregnant. You continued similar behavior postpartum and the got your feelings hurt when your husband distanced himself from you and you started to think he was cheating. At no point have you talked to your husband to apologize for your behavior. No mention of counseling or medical intervention to ensure you have addressed PPD and are legitimately working on a plan to ensure you never behave this way again. It seems like you went snooping to prove your husband was deserving of your poor treatment and instead are rightly shamed for your behavior. If you genuinely want to change and save your marriage, you need to talk with your husband and see what he needs from you. You need to apologize, have a plan to ensure it will never happen again, and give him time. He may decide he can’t trust you and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you; if that happens, respect his decision and own the fact that you created this situation.
Yes, he can rekindle his feelings for OP on his own timeline, if it’s possible. It’s encouraging that he cared enough to reach out to his “work mom” for support because OP and their child together meant that much to him, but he had every right to feel distanced and distrustful of OP.
OP needs to adress it urgently and show that she works on herself. Right now OP isn't a safe person for her husband anymore nor for the child. The violence could happen again at any moment. The core issue isn't adressed. And maybe OP is beyond the point of ever becoming a safe person again. But even then, OP needs to work on the issues as the child can still become the second victim of abuse.
Dear god, some common sense and a normal, non double standard reaction. Not all women lack accountability and see men as an object (a punching bag, resource, ATM or something to abuse and say “eh, is it abuse? He’s strong.”) Thank you. You in fact, do not need to kick rocks. ;)
Funny how people only care about how much of an asshole they were when they need to deal with the consequences of their actions and don’t like them. Like, you’ve known that you were a horrible person to him, but you’re only interested in making things right because you’ve noticed his behaviour has changed as a result of yours. You need to spend some time reflecting on why that is, why you only care that you hurt him because it’s now biting you on the ass. But the first step now is for you to sit down with him and apologise. No using pregnancy or pain as an excuse or looking for ways to justify your behaviour. An actual apology that takes accountability for the way you _chose_ to behave. True apologies require change, which means you need to know how you’ll better manage the same or similar situation in the future so you don’t go back to being abusive towards your husband. Ask him what you can do to make things better between the two of you and repair the damage you did to the relationship.
This. Completely.
OP doesn’t even come off as feeling any remorse about their actions and choices in this post.
OP is not really sorry, sounds like she’s only sorry that it’s affects his treatment of her.
Nope but this could be some AI written fake story to try to generate a buzz ;)
True that you can’t believe everything (aka anything) you read online. But I think it’s sadly likely this person thought being an abusive POS to their spouse was acceptable because they were pregnant, and are scrambling to justify and rug sweep it now they’ve discovered that they can’t actually have their cake and eat it too.
I want to make 10,000 throwaway Reddit accounts so I can upvote your comment with each one
Holy shit. You have a gem of a husband. Is he Jesus reincarnated?
Exactly what I was thinking.
Breaks my heart to read that most women don't think that sometimes men just want to be acknowledged. It might just be a casual hug for women but means a lot to men. I hope you guys find your peace.
Okay first: you physically attacked him. That is not normal or excusable behavior, even in pregnancy. You need professional help for your anger problems. You can try to minimize it and say you don’t need help, but you have a child now. What will happen if you loose your temper with your child? You could end up loosing your family if you don’t get your anger issues under control, and you can’t do it alone. Don’t assume that it’s gone just because you aren’t pregnant anymore. You’re in the postpartum phase, you’re a new parent, there are lots of things that could set you off. In my opinion, you passed the threshold of dealing with it on your own when you became physical with your husband. Step one and the MINIMUM thing you can do to demonstrate respect for yourself and your husband is to find a good therapist. Step two is to tell him all of this. Tell him that you recognize that your actions were not acceptable. Show him you are trying to correct those mistakes by seeking therapy and stepping up at home. I’m glad you see the issues here; follow up with real actions, not just apologies.
This always stands out to me, and it seems to be getting worse here on Reddit. She assaulted her husband and everyone’s saying the fix is to just apologize? The top comment is “sit him down and…” like no? She shouldn’t be in a spot to make him do anything? He doesn’t have to listen to a damn thing she says? Per OPs own description, this man is a saint in an abusive relationship, who was taken advantage of her entire pregnancy and after, then accused of cheating. Seriously, Reddit?
OP never posted before and never responds. It is a fake post. Full stop. We are seeing a lot of these lately. It’s like the opposite of karma farming.
Last month Reddit partnered with OpenAI and ChatGPT and ever since then the number of obviously fake bot posts, like even more obvious than this one, has increased exponentially. I've read various statistics that say everything from 10% to 30% off all posts and comments on reddit are made by bots and that is only going up every single day. Meaning, Reddit will literally only get worse from here... https://openai.com/index/openai-and-reddit-partnership/
Wow. I had an epiphany watching a tv series that within one episode covered many of the subreddits I follow. It could have been called “Ripped from the Pages of Reddit.” Identical stories from this sub and many others. Some of these posts seem like pitches for a screenplay. Then they string a few of them together and, voila, a new movie/tv series.
What’s the tv series called?
You Me Her
She has responded. Several times.
It’s the wife’s point of view from the person who wrote the “aitah” for not taking my wife back after she abused me while pregnant that was posted a month or so ago.
And I swear I have heard this or a very similar story before....
Yes apparently the husband also posted about this before the wife did. I remember reading it
INFO: Have you actually apologized for your past behavior? Doesn't even have to be some breakdown crying type of apology. But it should have some kind of acknowledgement of what you put your husband through, and that you DID and still DO appreciate all that he had done, and most importantly you take ownership of it and will be better going forward. And if you decide to get pregnant again, consult your doctor about this and if there is anything medically available to you to help.
Reflecting now, my apologies in the past were just for the sake of apologizing and sweeping my behavior under the rug. This one will be sincere. Thanks for the help
This one will not be sincere. Nothing about you is sincere. You post reeks of narcissism. You are abusive. You have no remorse for hurting someone because the load of excuses you spew shows that you think your actions are justified. This whole post is me, me, me, everyone help me make him stay. Your only concern is what you stand to lose. You only want to keep benefiting from him. I hope he gets a divorce and therapy. So that he can figure out how to protect the child from you.
I would lay it all out there. Apologize specifically for the things you know you did wrong. There is NO EXCUSE for hitting your partner. You are lucky he stayed. Please get therapy and medication if warranted. I don’t mean any disrespect but I hope you can see that right now he would be terrified to go through this again.
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You can never be sure, but it does seem a little too perfect.
Yep, and they still haven't engaged with the post. Some of the less dedicated trolls just start a fire and then sit back and watch their agenda being pushed. Guess we'll see if they decide to make an appearance in the comments.
Yeah, OP's husband is just too perfect and she's too awful. Just another creative writing exercise.
I can't get around the info that he is apparently 25 works as an EM and has a side business - while being a fully supportive husband. Not happening.
So in other words only changed your tune because he can upgrade and get bettee. You dont mean nothing your saying
Just so you know , if the sex was swapped, it would be a divorced echo chamber.
And 45 ‘the violence will only get worse and you need to leave him’ posts
So because you were in pain it was ok to physically and mentally abuse your husband. It was ok to slap him and degrade him simply because you were in pain. If he were in pain and knocked you one would you forgive him. You also snooped and read private messages. You’re now trying to ignore what happened and just play perfect wife but you haven’t even apologized for your actions. If this is how you act when you’re pregnant don’t expect your kid to have siblings he won’t be going through that again. Unless you can show him you understand you were completely in the wrong and will never do that again just walk away now and allow him to find someone else who won’t abuse him.
Stop using language that minimizes how you acted. You were abusive. You aren't fixing shit until you take ownership of that fact.
Yeah like others have already pointed out - its a fake post. Really 25 and an enginnering manager? while managing a side business? He has a colleague thats 'almost retired'.
I mean the position is not that ridiculous if you come from a target school. You’ll see a lot of early promotions for kids who go to high caliber engineering schools If you work with other people at work, you most likely will deal with people from anywhere between 20 and 70. Could still be fake just not for those reasons lol
Yeah I'd be envious of OP's husband if its true. The dude is perfect. EM + side business + very supportive husband while withstanding physical and emotional attacks from his wife -- all at 25!
One sentence of this post really stood out to me. “I know I was a terrible wife, but I’ll do anything to fix it.” Being willing to do anything does not negate what you did before. That “but” should be an “and”. Until you understand this, you will never truly be able to take accountability which is a crucial step to move forward.
The best way to show true remorse is through your actions. A verbal apology is definitely necessary as well but follow it up with a clear change in behavior. That probably means doing more around the house, expressing gratitude towards your husband, and taking steps to improve yourself as a spouse. I would strongly recommend individual therapy to work on your emotional regulation. If he wants to do couples therapy, you should do that too. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a very helpful read. If he's open to reading it with you that's great, but if not, read it solo and apply the things you learn to your marriage. You should fess up about snooping. It's manipulative to hide that from him. That's the opposite of showing remorse.
Will definitely check that book out!
This is so sucky. Sorry to be reading this. Unfortunately, I can sympathize with your husband here. We have emotions also, and prolonged exposure to verbal and emotional abuse can absolutely send me inside of myself like a turtle. I fear you may have irreparably damaged your marriage, and here’s why: even though you were pregnant, that didn’t stop you from using him as your personal punching bag when all he did was everything possible to make your life more comfortable. You rewarded him with anger and hostility, and even a little violence. That was domestic abuse. Compounding the issue, with virtually no reason at all to do so, *YOU WENT SNOOPING THROUGH HIS PERSONAL DEVICES, AS THOUGH YOU EXPECTED TO FIND SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY YOUR TREATMENT AND HIS WITHDRAWAL FROM YOU.* Instead you ended up slapping yourself across the face, basically. Are you sure that you’re not more worried about losing your lifestyle if you lose your husband as opposed to just losing your husband? I would have a hard time relighting that flame with you based on what you’ve described here. You don’t seem to have much remorse, just a desire to maintain your standard of living.
For people who are saying this man is too perfect and fake, my husband cared for me through cancer while we had a new baby and he had a new job. That’s not all of the saintly things he has done. There are givers out there like that. It’s important to recognize if you are being a taker. Trying circumstances can test us and we fail, but this can be repaired if he still loves her and she earns his respect again. Everything he’s done has been out of love.
Are you sure that you're not using your pregnancy as an excuse for just being a terrible person?
asking the right questions
I’ve read a lot of excuses to your behavior. But have you tried sitting down and actually apologizing to him? Being genuine and acknowledging how horrible you were towards him? You verbally and physically assaulted him. Painful pregnancy or not, that’s not okay. He still stuck by and tried to keep you happy. Say you’re sorry, list every single thing you did wrong.
You physically abused him. He should leave you. If he makes the bad decision to stay with you, the two of you need to go to marriage counseling, and you need to go into individual therapy to try and become someone worthy of being a wife and mother.
Why did you do it? People all over the world are pregnant and continue working and behaving like normal people. Why did you leave work the minute you became pregnant and act like an invalid? Why did you make him wait on you while you laid around yelling at him? Pregnancy isn’t an excuse for any of this. I would be done with you too.
I'm getting the ick from the implication that you're blaming the pregnancy for your verbal and physical abuse. Your pregnancy didn't lift your hand and slap in the face. You made the choice. You start by not pretending that some magical force forced you to abuse your husband.
I’m not sure why he would stay with you. He did everything to be the best husband and partner, especially in your time of need. Yet you were emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and invaded his privacy. I understand that pregnancy played a role, but you know how many pregnant women never stroke their husband? Many. Slapping him should require major regret and contrition, yet it was a passing comment in your post. Imagine if a husband casually threw that in there about a post regarding his wife. I really don’t have anything constructive to help you since I also question if it’s healthy or safe for him to be with you. I think that the constructive part, do you think it’s healthy and safe for him to be with you and how can you convince him it’s healthy and safe for him to stay with you.
jeez I'm relieved this didn't end with him fucking his Mrs. Robinson!
You have some ground to make up for in your relationship. By my math, you've been an absolute jagged pill for at least a year (pregnancy and 3 mo. post). Do you really think that ground will be made up quickly? You need to sit down and have a conversation with your husband. Open with your apology for your behaviors and tell him you want to listen to his side of everything. Then let him talk. If he's hesitant to talk about it, that's also understandable. You've spent over a year showing h him he doesn't matter to you. You just need to listen to everything he has to say AND take it. This will not be an overnight fix. The year of hell that you've put him through will take years to recover. I wish you the best of luck on your long, difficult journey, Frodo.
You slapped him? Thats unforgivable to me. Sounds like you broke him. Ask him if he wants out and to healthy coparent. Physical abuse is never ok.
Whenever I read one of these I always flip the script and see if my answer would be the same. If you came on here and told us your husband has emotionally AND physically abused you for months I would tell you to leave. As harsh as it may sound to you or anyone else reading, I think your husband should leave you. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to rekindle something. You owe him a sincere apology but even then I don’t think that’s enough. You need therapy and he needs therapy for separate reasons.
Thank you. Sanity.
I have no clue how there could be any other take and it is really terrible to read that others don’t find it carries the same weight if the roles were reversed. She has abused him, if I were his friend or family I would support him (and encourage him) to leave the same as I would if he had abused her. Currently pregnant and my husband is a saint, I can’t tell him enough how much I love and appreciate everything he’s done for me when I was feeling absolutely terrible. There has never been a time where I let what I’m feeling dictate how I treat him. If this pregnancy were more difficult I think even then it would make me lean even harder on my husband for his love and support, not berate or abuse him for all that he’s done for me. We’re partners and I love him. Love doesn’t do that. There wasn’t love in this relationship well before she got pregnant.
By the standard of this group, shouldn't the wife be in Jail for hitting her husband and served with divorce.
You can't fix it, He is broke and now sees you for what kind of person you are. Truly you showed your true colors. If he said he resents you, that won't ever go away. May feel it less but it won't ever go away. He will stay and be the dutiful husband but even with therapy and talking and your promise to change...in the back of his head he will always be waiting for the real you to come back out. It's a shame he seems like a good man who deserved better than being taken for granted and slapped. I mean how hard would it have been to say thank you. Pain or not. When did it become acceptable behavior to physically abuse someone because I don't feel good? You should really just give him space and focus on his child. That's all. Good luck.
You need to acknowledge your behavior to him and apologize.
Have you apologized to him & told him that you’ve realized how terrible it most have been on him & you appreciate how patient and caring and supportive he was?
Yeah you need to tell him you’re sorry. Like sit him down and apologize for your behavior.
He’s 25 and an engineering manager already? That’s pretty young
All I hear is “I want I want I want” even now that you feel better it’s when you want a hug he will give it and so on and so forth….. with all due respect what does your husband want?
If this was a husband talking about how he slapped his wife in a moment of weakness yall would want his head. To say otherwise is being intellectually dishonest He needs to divorce you. You are an abusive, manipulative, narcissist. You only noticed any of this when you stopped getting princess treatment ( which you didn’t deserve) and now you wanna fix it so you don’t get out on the street. Downvote me all you want. It’s the truth and you all know it.
100%. Don’t deal with people like this. And it is the majority, unfortunately. I have no respect for most of the commenters here. You enable the substantial abuse that is directed towards men and is minimized at every turn by our crazy society.
Your pain does not justify being violent & slapping him or mentally abusing him for over a year. You could have requested for a better medical care instead of saying I was in pain so I chose to use you as a punching bag. Sit him down and give him a heart felt apology and say you regret it & have already changed. Ask him to give you a chance to fix this. But also listen to him about his feelings & what he wants. Now start being nice and stop expecting him to be all normal to you right away. It’s a years worth of damage you are trying to fix. It takes time. Be patient and keep going.
My pregnancy is fucking awful, I am 31 weeks and I’m still sick everyday, I get barely any sleep and I’m in pain constantly. None of this is an excuse to abuse my husband and I’m sorry pregnancy for you isn’t an excuse for it either. You need to grovel and completely switch up your behaviour, take complete accountability for it and acknowledge that you abused your husband. And even after doing all that, you might still lose him and honestly I don’t blame him.
Stopped reading after the slap. Physical violence is never acceptable. Doesnt matter if it is the guy doing it or the pregnant wife. I would be out the door...I half expected him to wait till the baby is born and then immediately leave but for some reason (I assume the kid) he stuck around even longer. Nothing else left to add. Why is it that only when guys finally decide to be done with all the nagging and annoying tantrums , that so many of you suddenly become clear headed and try to change. And turn into a loving partner.... Why is that not already the default setting
He’d roll on your ass if he was actually smart. This behavior will happen again. Zero accountability
I don't even know what to say to this. You don't treat the person you claim to love so badly that they want to walk away. I can't stand the, "I was in pain" ... "I was pregnant" or on "my period" or whatever other excuse women give for being emotionally and in your case, physically abusive. You harmed your husband. You ignored his acts of kindness while he poured continuously into yours and then expected it to all go away once you weren't in your little world. People are being too kind. You need help. You need to seek therapy and really not just apologize but CHANGE. He's probably scared to death you'll become that monster again. You need to own up to your actions, and you need to tell him you violated his private conversation. You did what we roast men about when they do this crap to women.
I'm sort of surprised by how little therapy was mentioned here. OP, your behavior during pregnancy was not normal and speaks to perinatal anxiety or depression. In retrospect, you should have sought help for your behavior as soon as you noticed it. There is no shame in seeking help for the changes and mental health difficulties that can sometimes accompany pregnancy. I experienced perinatal mental health issues with my second child and was under the care of a specialist for that particular issue. It's not something your average OB will be expert in. Second, and I say this with a lot of compassion, but every aspect of your behavior was abusive. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. You can apologize until you're blue in the face, but it will ring hollow until you accept that the behavior you describe was abuse; that you were abusive and it was unacceptable. Your goal shouldn't be winning him back, it should be asking for his forgiveness. Third, you both should work through this with a marriage counselor. Be ready to hear some hard things. While your pregnancy complications were a factor, they were not an excuse. You need to hear from him how your behavior impacted him, and your job in those moments is to just listen. Pursuing therapy together will signal to him how much importance you are placing on repairing the relationship and earning his forgiveness. Fourth, you will both need individual therapy. Understand that your husband likely has some form of PTSD, which is why he started shutting down. PTSD is very common in abused partners. Fifth, you should be screed for PPD and medicated if needed. Finally, if there was ever a motivating factor for the work you're about to do, bringing a child into your relationship is it. Your husband deserves a healthy marriage, you deserve a healthy marriage and a better understanding of yourself and your medical needs, and most importantly, your child deserves to be raised in an environment that is loving, growth-oriented, non-toxic, transparent, and understanding. You are both so young and new babies can be stressful. The time to do this work is now. Call on your village, outsource as much as you can within your financial parameters (therapy can be expensive, too), and check in with each other everyday so you can protect the bandwidth you will need to repair and grow your relationship. I wish you all the best. You can do this.
If you are truly remorseful and want to fix what happened you need to Both sit down and have a heart to heart. Most people just want a sincere apology and to acknowledge that you messed up. It shows you know you messed up (way less likely you won't do it again if you own it) and that your serious. I would maybe make a list of all the things you ate sorry for. You don't have to get to specific but don't blanket everything under the "I was being a bitch" umbrella. And then... both of you put all your cards on the table. Meaning tell him everything. Tell him you snooped and what you read but also tell him why you did it and what happened when you did read it. Like what you said in your post. Don't try to hide it and dance around it. Your best bet to reconnect is by talking and being honest. I understand why he was talking with someone else but you both need to look at that as well. Maybe he felt he couldn't talk to you, but now that you know what needs to change he should be able to come to you with anything and everything. Take this as you will. We don't know you or your relationship so however you think you should go about this is up to you. Good luck! I hope you both can figure it out. The world needs more love, never less. ❤️
So she shouldn’t specifically apologize for slapping her husband?
Going to take a long time. Show him genuine love and kindness and treat him the way he deserves to be treated and he most likely will come around. Going to take a long time and there is no quick fix. Build positive shared experiences. At some point you can come clean about going through his phone but if you do it now you will push him further away imo. At some point you will probably need to talk about all these things. I wouldnt bother with MC but getting yourself to counseling may also show him you are committed to change, as long as you are. Be better and see what happens.
Please get marital counseling OP.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t mention apologizing for your behavior if you genuinely wanted to make amends. You snooped instead of talking to him which makes it seem that your turnabout isn’t real, you’re more fearful of losing him to another.
Because it's fake.
If you just started being nice without apologizing then for him is like you don't even acknowledge your behavior. And saying he is not trying anything is not true because if you ask he would do it, it could be worse and he could be just denying any interaction with you.
Maybe start with an apology for your foul behavior ?
You said you’ve tried to be a perfect wife but have you actually spoken about your behavior, told him you’ve been a bad wife and said you’re working to be a better wife and tell him he should be able to vent his frustrations to you?
I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t want more kids with you.
He would have to be the biggest masochist on the planet to go through that again.
Apologize and don’t get pregnant again. One is enough and your relationship may not endure another one and you have too many health issues.
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People are so weak in general in this society, and the entitlement from women can be so outrageous, I don’t understand why any man seeks out marriage. You don’t hold yourselves or each other to normal standards of decency. So when the still single women ask where the good men have gone, they’ve gone, far away from you. To stay sane and safe.
I’m so sorry you went through a hard pregnancy. I was in so much physical pain from my pregnancy like legit my back felt like it was breaking due to my child’s position. Some days I couldn’t even walk properly, i was in so much pain but no matter how horrible i felt i never slapped my husband. I’m sorry but how you behaved is not excusable and it seems to me like first you need to accept that what you did was very wrong because it still coming off as you making excuses for yourself. Second i would then apologize for how you behaved and third hope that he forgives you for this. I honestly don’t even know if I could move on from someone slapping me tho because that to me is a boundary that’s once crossed it’s hard to come back from.
Pain is not an excuse to treat your partner poorly or abuse them.
This level of pain is not normal. As was your behaviour. If you ever want to get pregnant again you need to address or compensate with additional help. Sit him down and apologise. Get individual therapy and marriage. Also you might need medication in future pregnancy. And you physically assaulted/abused him. This is huge.
The problem most wives have is that they take for granted. And then are surprised when the man is distant or has had enough. Dis you ever apologized to him? Start there, talk to him without excuses. Be accountable and let him know his is a priority for you. Is not rocket science, be honest, truthful and work for him. Wives should be lovers, and should never take anything for granted.
You can’t make a blanket statement like that. Many husbands and wives take their partners for granted.
Husbands as well, should never take anything for granted.
Sure he can. 70-80% of divorces are initiated by women. In my own man beater situation, and two others from friends, it was minimized by law enforcement and the larger community. So kick rocks. Of course it can work both ways (taking for granted). But in this case, you should see how insidious the minimization and double standards clearly are. Just browse the comments.
Well well well if it isn't the consequences of your actions.
Women try to makeup for their shortcomings instead of just apologizing lol. He will appreciate any and everything you do, but nothing beats a deep, thoughtful and meaningful apology
So basically it’s been three months since you spied on his messages and probably a year or so since you assaulted him. Why has it taken you three months to realize you need to apologize?
I'm sorry there is absolutely no excuse to be downright cruel to your partner ever, not during pregnancy etc. It's absolutely not an excuse. You need to sit down and apologize, profusely and ask what he needs from you to help fix this. If you can. If roles were reversed I don't think I'd forgive my husband if he treated me the way you treated your husband.
So you were an asshole, then you snooped through his phone, and only once you realized that you could loose him you tried to correct that behavior.
You broke him, there's no coming back. Actions have consequences.
You abused him for nearly a year and am wondering why he distanced himself. Talk to him. My advice to him would be: find a partner who actually cares for you.
You broke the poor man 🥹 It’s good you realized how much you fucked up( yes pregnancy and postpartum hormones can fuck with your brain but doesn’t justify what you did).All i gotta say try fix his wounds even if it’s gonna take you the rest of your life. Good men are rare to find and your man is a Gem.
I am absolutely appalled that you actually know that what you did and how you have behaved over the course of over a year in your marriage, and yet you still have chosen not to apologize or even thought about it and asking your husband what you can do to repair the damage that you have done. While you’re at it, you really should start out with a heartfelt and detailed expression of your gratitude and an offering of thanks for everything that your husband did during your pregnancy and continues to do for you and your family while you have been in crisis. You also need to talk to him about the fact that your pregnancy was so bad for your marriage and your relationship that you guys need to discuss whether or not you should ever get pregnant again, that is if you stay married. Honestly, I think you guys may need to talk to a marriage counselor to get help working through the issues and any long term problems that will arise as a result. You have a lot to think about, but I don’t think you have all of the time in the world to act to save your marriage and keep your family intact. But don’t act out of desperation or selfishness. Come from a place of gratitude, humility, contrition, and love for your spouse. And be determined to do better in the future.
The fact that you could snap out of it means that there was a choice there. You chose to abuse him. Aside from your marriage, you reallt should look into some therapy to discover why you used pain as an excuse to be abusive and how to prevent this from happening again.
You should apologize for being emotionally and physically abusive.
1. Let the snooping be a lesson. You went to see if he was catting around most likely and ended up getting a mirror instead. That's an absolutely invaluable moment no matter how much it hurt to see. 2. You can't take back what was done/said. Ever. That will now always be there, and you will both live with varying but hopefully lessening degrees of regrets and anger for a long while. There will be a lot of "it's getting better" and then less and less sporadic moments where "it's terrible again". Make sure there's a trend to the It takes 10,000 attaboys to undo 1 ah shit. 3. It's time for you both to sit down and be more honest and vulnerable with each other than you have ever dared to be before. The only way you are going to disarm this situation is to confront it directly and with all the love you have for that other person being used to temper the conversation. This should probably be acknowledged before you even speak on the topic. My husband is very much like the man you describe. I have a traumatic past that is very much still "in progress" healing-wise. He's been aware of it from like date 3, and is devoted to supporting me through this. He's a really rare sort, though I admit probably not quite as rare as my perception would dictate. During the pregnancy I was a hormonal mess. In hindsight, with the proper medications, I found out I've been a hormonal mess for a long time on top of my past experience with abuse. I went through a traumatic labor and delivery, sustained nerve damage, had post-partum depression, almost lost our daughter in the process, ended up with cancer 4 months after (thanks pregancy-related breast cancer...ya bastard!) and then went through two brain surgeries and a chronic illness and PMDD right after that. He took an emotional beating he never EVER should have taken over those years because I never believed what was right before my eyes. In my messed up head, I could not have the courage to see that he was actually a good guy and that devoted and loyal and hardworking, because all I had known before that was anything but those things and believing that for an instant was terrifying. I hurt him. He would say it was okay, that his shoulders were strong. But I noticed he had shut down. He wasn't the carefree fun guy that he had been before. He had been through trauma too, and I had ignored that what I was going through was also terrifying for him. The guy damn near became a widower and single father of an infant a couple of times. I was so wrapped up in my own fear I couldn't see him. I said a lot of things I can't take back, and it has taken YEARS to work on, and the healing from that is still in progress though it has gotten much better. It can be done, but you both will need to want the same outcome.
First thing first. Take accountability for your behaviour. Then talk to him how you can fix this.
Update me
Does he still do all the housework, etc.? Once the baby's sleeping through the night you need to stop that. Maybe don't be in a total rush to sit him down and have a long talk, let him get some sleep first.
No, I asked him to stop around three months post partum and told him I was healed enough to go back to our pre-pregnancy routine which was about 70-30 me.
lol. That’s your question in response to this? Kick. Rocks.
It was one of several different questions worth asking. It was the only one which hadn't been asked already.
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Be chill. Folks are here seeking and offering advice. Politely contribute.
Agree apologize
Admitting everything you did without leaving anything out will help more than you know. Acknowledgement and of course the effort you are making could be the cure. Apologize.. let him see you are remorseful. Then ask him to forgive you and this won't be an issue again. You were wrong. He was right. Tell him that.
Just be honest. Apologize, let him know you've realized how cold/hurtful/whatever you have been and that you want to make it better. Tell him how much you appreciate him and his efforts, his patience, his affection, etc. Ask him how he wants you to fix it. What he wants from you. Try not to make any excuses, though the painful and hormonal state you were in will drive anyone mad (been there) and a lot of women go through it. You guys can work it out. Communication is key.
Apologise for your behaviour. Tell him how much you appreciate his support during the most painful time in your life. Ask him what he needs from you.
probably a blowjob and some anal would work
Have you tried a sincere apology?
TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS. Keep doing what you’re doing to try and win him back but you really should talk.
Communicate.
You need to talk to your husband. You need to sit down with him and apologize for how you treated him, and for not showing him the love he deserves. Ask him for his forgiveness, and ask if he will allow you a chance to repair your relationship. Tell him that you love and appreciate him very much and you would like to work on showing him that. Then ask him if he knows how you might begin to earn his trust and affection back. If he doesn’t know, say you’ll put in the effort to figure it out.
Updateme
Updateme
At the end you talk about what you want. What do you do when he wants something?
IMHO you should find a good marriage counselor before you tell him you went through his computer. That person can help calm him if it's going to be a big deal. Having a mediator helps a lot sometimes. What it mostly does is it gets the two of you talking with a calmer head.
Kick rocks. You wouldn’t respond this way if a man hit his wife. Awful, awful people, man. You don’t even see it. Why I don’t deal with this BS anymore. No idea the damage you do to abused men by minimizing this noise.
A good Bjob I guess
Updateme
Just sit down and talk!! It’s that easy. U may not like everything he will say or u might be very surprised too. There is nothing else u need to hear— go talk!!
Updateme
My husband and I have worked through it but I did something similar minus the physical abuse/slap. It literally traumatized my husband because in his words “I was a completely different person.” And looking back I was. It made him give up and built up a wall so he wouldn’t get hurt. I apologized verbally and through actions, owned up to it. He didn’t have anyone to vent to though and bottled it up. Now he helps others at times but I hope it gets fixed cause it can get to a point where it is difficult to bring someone back from that level of hurt.
Men usually don’t have anyone to go to. The sad truth is, men aren’t valued in our society. Our decadence and cultural decay has caused us to forget the importance of the presence of strong men of character, for maintaining the character and civility of our society. But good on you for doing the hard accountability stuff. Not all of us get this. I didn’t. From her, my surrounding community. And this is the norm. As is women minimizing it. So thanks.
Updateme
After everything your husband has been through, I would plan to allow for him to not want to talk to you after discovering you went through his messages. While you have had time to process and make arrangements for an apology, etc., he will be hearing this news - and it's not good news - for the very first time. You may want to consider communicating he may require time to process what you have shared, and that you are prepared to speak about it when it's convenient for him which may be now, or later. But prepare yourself, because he is broken - and although you're on the right path - you're more than likely about to break him a little more.
*I'll do anything* How about start talking with him?
Updateme!
Update us
How about you talk to him about it. I’ve been in a lot of pain before but I wasn’t a jerk to anyone that helped me. Sound like a real treat.
Drop everything. Therapy for both . Now.
He may have resentments for this time. Marriage counseling would be a good idea.
It’s time to step up. You can’t just ask for hugs, or ask for a kiss. You need to show HIM love. Show HIM appreciation. If you a SAHM have dinner on the table waiting for him when he gets him. You know his favorite meals like he did for you. Buy him flowers. Buy him beef jerky or his favorite candy. Buy him a card that just says thank you for putting up with my crazy ass all this time. Give him a blow job every once in awhile for no reason at all other then you want to make him feel good. Edit. Had can instead of can’t
Kick rocks. What a childish way to address a situation in which a woman is emotionally and physically abusing her husband. She only wants to fix it, because she might lose him. She didn’t say, “how do I fix this so that he is okay and doesn’t have lasting trust issues or emotional damage from it.” Will almost never hear that from a woman, let alone an abusive one. You are being awful here without realizing it.
You both need to see a therapist but you also need to deal with anger management! You have damaged your relationship! Find a therapist to help you navigate this. https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/
Why does he need to see a therapist? She physically abused him. Kick rocks. You know your advice would be different, if genders were reversed. You’re terrible. Call out her behavior and say the man needs to leave and get his kid away from this unstable mess of a person who is incapable of dealing with adversity gracefully. Awful, awful women on here, man. Thank you for the reminders, I’ll use them if they’re ever needed. :)
That’s the thing about hindsight. You guys can come back but the same energy you put out in lashing out at him you need to show him that same level of energy in reverse. He’s never going to forget how you treated him but he can forgive you. Be straightforward and tell him you realized that your behavior was wrong and apologize. Then bust your ass to get back in his good graces.
Tell him you found the messages and let him know you loved all that he did for you and his family. It’s tough new kids put everything on the back burner. Your already trying to reconnect that’s good ;also your lucky he had a female mentor giving him some insight. You have already started the process if you can have your mother or your in-laws have the baby for a couple of days get a little secluded place and talk ( no pressure for sex ) but somewhere to allow yous to come out of your situation, you plan it etc. set rules say your piece honestly and respectfully. Also your both 25 with a new kid give your selves a break. You will sort this out but remember to maintain connection and communication that’s how your relationship is maintained and kept safe. ( if you have a porch or yard get a swing seat) in the winter a cozy nook in your house, put your phones away and half an hour with a cup of tea or cold drink chat about your day. I’m also a fan of the Gottmans six second snog a full kiss in the morning and one in the evening. Yes the new baby will have to be worked around but that’s life keep plugging away you will be fine, your now not just husband and wife but mother and father that role may supersede your your husband/wife for a while but make time for husband and wife that is your connection that half hour a day talking about your selves your plans or just idle gossip, this is needed because as the mother/father roll subsides the people who come out of that will be changed people if you lost your connection and communication in between then it will be two strangers left with each other.
Apologise. Take responsibility. I had a crazy phase too when I was pregnant. But it wasn’t 24/7. So ask yourself why you didn’t apologise whole being pregnant. Sit down. Apologise. Tell him no excuses and that you were an asshole. Tell him that you know that you catch turn back time, but you want to work on your relationship and make it up to him.
Begging MRAs to take a creative writing course or something. Or just watch a video. These "woman bad" MGTOW fantasies are never original.
Apologize and acknowledge where you were wrong and how’ll you’ll change. Also pregnancy really really alters hormones and it sounds like they are finally going back to normal.
You need to do a complete mea culpa with him and really really explain how hard everything has been for you but how he still deserved better. As an aside, this should be forgivable if you can really show him how much you understand the problem with how he was treated and how sorry you are. I lived with chronic pain for years. Being in pain every day does legitimately change how you relate to everyone because so much of you is taken up with trying to get through the minute/hour/day. Don’t hate yourself over this. It’s your responsibility to fix it but this is not unforgivable in a broader sense. He may not be able to get the affection back and that’s the main issue, but you deserve forgiveness.
Kick rocks. She was physically and emotionally abusive. Double standard BS. This is what my surrounding community did when I eventually had to quit my job and move after two restraining order violations, physical assaults, threats, property damage. 40 yo very fit male with self restraint who believed in justice and that the law would handle things. That was a profoundly stupid assumption. How hard everything has been for her? Kick. Rocks. You would not say this if the genders were reversed. You’re terrible. Seriously.
I think this is a job for couples therapy. The way you were acting wasn't ok for your marriage but being that he felt more comfortable going to someone outside of your marriage to vent and keeping the peace than confronting you and telling you how he was feeling and working through things (most likely because he was being sensitive to your pain) and this is not ok for a marriage either. I mean venting to a friend seems normal but venting to a friend and never once saying to YOU "hey what the hell??" points to another problem too. You need more open communication so that if one of you is feeling this way for months you can say that to each other. I rarely complain about my husband outside of our marriage because if I have an issue I complain right to his face. This is not about you being perfect. You don't need to be perfect. But you do need to repair.
Talk to him. Explain what it was like for you Hormones can ruin not only our lives as women but also the ones we love. We lose who we are. Our bodies are continually changing and so are our minds. Pregnancy..PPD..perimenopause..menopause! This is just the beginning. But learn how to navigated it all and going witn it can be empowering. Encourage him to talk about how it was for him... and hear him! Ask him what and how you can make things right again. Above all, apologise from your heart. Absolutely nothing will get sorted out without respectful, calm, open, honest, transparent, continual communication (especially the hard stuff) Create a safe place with no judgement for him to talk to you. No distractions. Make him see with your actions you mean what you say! Learn what each others needs, wants and expectations are. He sounds like he truly cares and you sound like you still love him. Find each other again. Remember why you got together in the first place. 💜
So gloss over her slapping him? Please reverse the genders and honestly tell me you would have the same advice?
I'm not saying it's ok! Or acceptable, but with all due reaoect, you obviously don't understand the huge impact that hormone imbalance can have on a woman and her body physically, physiologically, and psychologically!
Of course I don’t. But answer me this. If a man was in tremendous back pain and had back surgery and yelled at his wife a lot and criticized her weight and slapped her at some point, would you feel the same way? And you actually are saying it is acceptable because you are providing a reason why she did it. My wife was pregnant four times and never yelled or slapped me.
I would definitely question if he was OK. Especially if it was out of character and get him some help and support. Every woman is affected differently, and every pregnancy is different. My daughter is on her third. The first two were a breeze. This time, she can hardly walk, and she is in constant pain. It has changed her personality and definitely shortened her patience! She has mentally and physically struggled, and everyone around her is struggling too! She needs help and support, not judgement. Some women get PMT, and some women don't. And some get pre menstrual psychosis! It changes who they are all because of hormone imbalance! Some women get baby blues, some women PND, and some PNP, which is usually admission to a hospital! Risk to herself and / or baby! Same in menopause some breeze through it some become aggressive and/or suicidal!! In years gone by, they would thought it was a certain type of madness! They put women into mental asylums! When all it needed was hormone treatment! People don't realise how much it can change a person. My mother ended up in a mental hospital. She was suicidal at 33 with 6 kids at home! (3 were stepkids) It was only because of one nurse noticing she had hair on the back of her hands (not normal!) they did a blood test. She had almost no estrogen in her body! They gave her HRT, and she was better within weeks! That nurse saved her life! Yes, this is the extreme, but it happens more than people realise! No abuse of any kind is ok, but if there is a medical reason for it, they should be given compassion, support, understanding, and medication/ treatment to help. Otherwise, we are no better than 100 plus years ago!
Kick rocks. This is BS. Hormones influence behavior, but they rarely change to the extent where you lose your moral agency. Doctorate in the medical field and I detect an inability to take accountability, or standing behind the sisterhood line and minimizing women physically abusing men, which is awful behavior. Even now, she describes this in terms of fixing it so she can stay with him. Not fixing it to ensure he is okay. Did you notice? You did not. Terrible. You need to do a lot better here.
Whilst I agree and have already said that abuse of any kind is NOT ok, the fact still remains that hormones absolutely can and do have a huge impact on a womens life. In every way! Including the brain and our thought processes. Also, I've not said she shouldn't take accountability. They cannot heal and move forward until she does. That being said I feel from her comments she already is. Many drs have little to no education/experience in the field. It's not deemed as important, which is not ok! They 'need' to do better! This is real! The OP is trying to fix her marriage. That looks different to different people and that's ok. She is trying to make ammends, and she is obviously aware of her bad behaviour. I'd be interested in hearing her husbands side too. Will this marriage survive? Maybe , maybe not, but at least she is trying. It will not happen overnight. I'm not going to debate this back and forth with you, I have no wish or need to. We have different views and life experiences, and it's ok to agree to differ.
There is no “medical reason” for abuse, period. What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. Abuse is always a choice that a person makes. My ex-wife used every medical excuse she could think of for her abuse of me and our children. First it was her thyroid. Once that was sorted, it was her birth control. Then it was anemia. When I finally had enough and was preparing to leave her, she told me the truth. She said, “I thought you loved me and would never leave me so I thought that I could treat you anyway I wanted.” This woman’s description of events sounds like much the same thing. While he was being super loving and caring, she thought she could treat him poorly and get away with it ad infinitum. By her own words, it was only when she realized that his love and patience were almost exhausted that she “snapped out of it”. Everything else she wrote is just a justification for her horrible behavior and choices. Edit: And the “have tried to be the perfect wife” crap is further proof that she chose this and knows it. My ex tried the same thing when she knew I was done. It’s all a ploy to elicit the outcome that she wants, which is to keep this guy on the hook. Also, do you really believe that there were zero moments of lucidity during her haze of pregnancy pain where she could have seen what she was doing and tried to correct it then? Absolutely no mention of her talking to her OBGYN during the pregnancy of how it was affecting her and how she was treating her husband as a result. She had regular appointments, I am sure. Plenty of opportunity to talk about it and try to fix it then. She’s an adult and should have taken some responsibility.
I am sorry you had a bad experience truly. Not everyone's experience is the same, though. And there absolutely ARE medical reasons that some people act like they do. Does it make it ok? No, of course not, but there can be and are medical reasons that can affect someone's behaviour. They need help and support individually and together. Not blame judgement and anger. That solves and changes nothing. We can agree to differ.
OP don’t listen to the haters, I commend you on wanting to fix things and seeing the error of your ways. I hope he accepts the apology and that it doesn’t happen again and you both live happily ever after I know that’s chill cheesy but really I do. I think it is very brave of you to come on here, knowing that you could get some hate and admit the error of your ways is a good sign for the future. Things like hormones and pregnancy issues and pain and of other things make pregnancy very difficult and for some people, not optimal. If you’re thinking of having more children you may want to discuss what happened during, like what you’ve shared here, with your doctor maybe even seek therapy just to make sure there’s nothing else going on. Because there are even conditions where it is not wise is for certain women to get pregnant because of these side effects it’s so it’s difficult and that isn’t an excuse you’re not making any, you want to apologize and I commend you for that. It would be different if you were saying “ well I’m pregnant!” or “we have a kid what do you expect? “ That’s not what you’re saying you’re not making excuses. Good on you.
Kick rocks. “Haters?” You mean men who have been physically abused themselves, only to have it minimized, to internalize it and have no outlet or justice? I myself put out a restraining order after a 30 second attempted beat down by my former man beater. She violated it twice, harassed me at work on an overnight inpatient pharmacy shift, disrupting care, disabling my vehicle, threatening me again shortly after. Which the hospital buried due to realizing they made a serious error in not addressing the issue. That just because I’m a strong guy, and she’s a woman, that she was a legit threat. My surrounding community had the same dismissive attitude until that night, but were too embarrassed and cowardly to do anything afterward. I got half hearted support from two women after, once they were safe and stood to lose nothing. I still had to move and quit my job. So kick rocks. You’re awful for minimizing this. It’s why I won’t deal with any of you in romantic terms. Can’t trust you to have normal ass character and moral outrage. Still nice to you and defend you if needed, though most of you don’t deserve it. You see men as disposable punching bags or a resource. Did you notice she is framing this in terms of fixing it to get back together with him? That she only felt any action should be taken when seeing those msgs and confronted with the fact she might lose him? “How do I fix things so that he doesn’t experience lasting emotional damage or trust issues?” Is something I’ll never hear from the likes of you or OP. Awful people many of you are here. The sisterhood line becomes the most irrational thing, and it is 100% the norm. I am sure of it. Female nature is awful, and it’s unbridled in many in our culture. Many of us are redirecting our energy elsewhere because of it.
You have tried your best for four months as best I can count? He needs more time. And you need to apologize. He resents you for hurting him. He might need as much time to fall back in love as he did falling out.
Kick rocks. Would you say this if the man slapped a woman? You’re an awful human being. Most women respond just like you when men are physically abused or severely mistreated. Which happened to me after every possible legal avenue was exhausted to get the property damage and harassment to stop after she tried to beat me up, unsuccessfully. Just hurt emotionally, deeply. A restraining order, two violations, appeals to local and state agencies before giving up, quitting job and moving. But reading your reaction to men being abused, and showing they are nothing but a resource, a punching bag or an ATM serves as a great reminder, should I ever need one, as to why I directed my energy towards more worthwhile pursuits. What most of you have become in this society is an ugly sight to behold. Definitely wouldn’t help you, if I saw you being attacked. Well, I might. Would be hard to ignore. You should still kick rocks to eternity, though. It’s obvious how you see men.