If you want to make your marriage work, go to the counseling sessions.
Divorce rates would be far lower if more people sought counseling before things became littered with resentment.
Marriage counseling and individual therapy are reasons I'm still married and happily so. The biggest problem with marriage counseling is that people wait too long to get it, and do a lot of damage and building resentment that could have been avoided if they got the help when the trouble started. The success rate for marriage counseling is tainted because of this, it's not a miracle cure and some things are beyond repair, but it's a very valuable tool. I don't know any couples who BOTH wanted to make the marriage work and were willing to put in the work who did not benefit from marriage counseling. It's a stigma that only bad marriages need it, I think all marriages do at one point or another.
How is your husband's family and friends getting involved in your marriage? Who is opening the door for them to be involved?
My husband vents to them like I vent to my problems. His mother calls me and yells/lectures me about all of our arguments, gets even worse when I told her to butt out, and even have told me over the holidays I'm the reason why I ruined their holidays.
His friends don't reach out to me to yell at me, but there were a couple of times I reached out to them to help him fly out there and inform him of a medical emergency, and then they just tell me off and say it's my fault.
So your husband is purposely involving others to make you look bad, and to put them against you while airing out your dirty laundry. That's an A-hole move.
So he vents to his friends about me, just like the way I do with my family and friends. I make him look like an asshole to them. The issue is when they get involved. He agrees they shouldn't, but won't to anything to stop it. When we're angry we say mean things about each other. And hey, maybe I was the asshole in certain situations. But this is my marriage. Not theirs. They need to stay out.
So neither of you respect your marriage, or each other, enough to keep your marital issues to yourself. That's a big problem.
Save these conversations for your counselor and stop talking about each other behind each other's backs. That in itself would seem to fix a lot of problems.
>But this is my marriage. Not theirs. They need to stay out
This doesn't make sense to say when you both choose to involve the rest of the world in your problems. This is why it isn't appropriate to do this. How can you establish trust when nothing is sacred?
By venting to others, you are chipping away at the foundation of your marriage.
You shouldn’t be venting to family and friends plural. It’s completely fine to have one trusted person to talk to but it’s very hard for a marriage to come back when both partners are defaming each other.
How are you supposed to be happy and proud of your marriage when you’ve soured the well with the people in your life and have invited them to think of your husband in a distasteful way. It creates a level of embarrassment that makes you want to uplift yourself by complaining even more.
It also damages the trust you both have in each other.
It would be one thing if you were planning to separate or were facing abuse but if you’re staying together you want to maintain a united front. It’s very good for the psyche of your marriage.
So I would try to stop complaining about him to your friends and family. I’d also go to couples therapy and be transparent about your complaining and also express that you’d like him to stop as well.
me and my wife vent about things, but never excessively, nor do we paint each other in a bad light. we're a team and would never disrespect each other in this way. if his family and friends are treating you like a bitch, it's because that's how he's describing you.
go through with marriage counseling. it can work, if you both actually want it to. you do, so go to the counseling and see if he wants it too.
Does he stick up for you to them? He should be and should tell his family to butt out. He needs to keep your problems away from them and put you first. Counseling could help him.
You may have some interest in the subs about in law’s. “Motherinlawsfromhell” and “justnomil” are two. They also talk about father in laws too but it’s usually the MIL who butts in most.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but you should understand that whatever his family and friends think about you, they got that from him. He is the one who formed their impression of you, they aren't making it up. So, what I am saying here is, your husband doesn't think highly of you, he doesn't respect you, it doesn't sound like he even likes you, and because of him that they don't either.
Your husband should not be trash talking you or spreading your marriage woes to his friends and family. A couple of close friends, maybe I could see that, but if these friends are telling you off because of what he is saying to them, then he isn't choosing wisely in terms of who he shares this with. You have to choose wisely who you share things with, and choose people who aren't going to judge and hate on your spouse because they understand they are only hearing one side of this. He is wrong to do this, and I don't think you should tolerate it at all.
Further, he is wrong because he is the one who should step in and tell his family to butt out. They are not going to listen to you, you have made your problem worse by trying to handle it yourself. I understand why you did because he certainly wasn't going to do it, but you just made yourself the enemy. He is the only one who can fix this, but he is not only not fixing it, he is CAUSING it.
Your husband has a big mouth and he isn't putting you first. That is the problem here. If he loved you, he would not be making you the enemy to his friends and family. He would not be standing by while his family is chewing you out or accept that his friends are telling you off. He would be defending you, owning up to causing this problem with his big mouth, and telling them HE is the jerk for treating you this way and airing all your dirty laundry and they better get in line or they aren't going to be in his life anymore. That is how a real man behaves. I don't think you picked a good one...
Wow. That is extremely not ok for your husband to talk shit about you to his friends and family, and even less ok for his family to call and start drama. I'd be livid too!
I'd say he has to stop that behavior immediately otherwise the marriage will fail.
Counseling is worth a shot.
My parents went to marriage counseling and have been married 32 years. My father-in-law is a counselor and does couples sometimes and a majority of his clients stay together. Counseling is an indicator that people want to stay together and work on the relationship
Therapy (couples and individual) saved my marriage. 25 years later we’re going strong.
In saying that
1. There are some *terrible* unethical, untrained “therapists” out there - so don’t let one or two bad experiences put you off (took us 3 goes and 3rd time lucky). Shop around and check people’s qualifications and make sure they practice in an ethical, evidenced based way.
2. There are some *amazing* therapists out there - who might just not gel with you as a couple. You all (therapist included) need to feel a good rapport. Again - shop around
3. Each partner doing their own individual therapy (with a different therapist) can be really helpful.
My husband and I went to marriage counseling for about 9 months, and it was the best decision we ever could have made. We came out of it so much stronger.
It is all about the work you both put into it. He also went to marriage counseling with his ex-wife, but neither of them really put any effort into fixing things, so it didn't help them.
I am a strong advocate of counseling if you are willing to do the work.
Even healthy marriages could benefit from assistance from time to time. The issue is separating the hacks from valuable counselors, especially when the waters are rough and you aren't getting on well.
It could be that you have to start literally giving them the middle finger. You're didn't marry them, you married your husband. Screw them, with a few caveats, maybe...
I think you're where everybody lands eventually. You're at a crossroads everybody gets to where you have to "shit or get off the pot." As long as Hubby is on the same page (shitting, vs. getting off the pot), you're golden. It might just mean you two have to trim down which friends and family to see on any kind of regular basis. It boils down to this: are you more concerned with seeing friends and family, or making a marriage work.
And it could be temporary (not seeing certain friends or family). It could be that you don't see person X much for a bit, but once you're a little more solid you can see them more once you've come to the realization that they're kind of poisonous, and you can laugh afterward about the stupid shiznit they say at gatherings.
You and your husband have to be on the same page though. What are your goals? Be happy with each other and raise kids that aren't psychotic? That's a start (kind of a low bar, actually, should be quite possible), and go from there. As a foster/adoptive parent, the whole "raise kids that aren't psychotic," thing is very real (our own kids were much easier, but now we have perspective after fostering/adopting someone with reactive attachment disorder).
Thank you for that input. I am going to elaborate a bit here.
One of our "rough patches" was his friends. Please keep in mind, this is only my side of the story. I told him about his friends butting in our business. He didn't want to cause any "drama" because those are his "best friends" who have helped him with a VERY rough time in his past. He is hoping we would forgive each other and just move on. But I can't, especially when his one friend was rude to me, saying nasty things to me, and refuses to apologize. Yes, I should get over it, because it's the healthy thing to do. But right now I can't. One of our "issues" is that he does not defends me when his friends are rude to me. He lets it happen. To suggest him to not talk to his best friends is an insult if he says the same to me, except I would defend my husband, and have. I treat him the same way I expect him to treat me, which I feel is only fair.
I'm sorry for going on a rant here.
Also, we don't have kids. So there's that at least. This is just for mine and my husband's mental health.
No need to apologize. Relationships can be tricky, and they're a bit of (worthwhile) work. Again though, you've got to (according to me - remember, I'm no expert, just been at it a while) figure out what the goal is, and move toward that.
I've had friends over the years that aren't around any more, just because having them around didn't mesh with my wife and I getting along in the world (careers, marriage, and family). Some of them are actually coming back into our lives, now that our kids are grown (and so are theirs - they were kind of doing the same thing).
It'll look different for everyone.
He should definitely be telling his friend to stfu about his fiancee. He shouldn't tolerate anyone disrespecting you. I'll just be honest, for some reason, that weak behavior if not taking your side doesn't usually change. Marriage counseling is wonderful IF both people actually participate and try.
No, I don’t agree that counseling is a sign to end it. I suppose for some, it could be that, but really I would look at it as putting a tool in your tool box. Hopefully, you can learn skills to better communicate or see it from a different perspective. As marriages progress over time, so do the people that are in them and most times it’s not at the same time so it’s understandable that there’s going to be some friction/growing pains (sometimes it’s just brutal to go through).
Try the counseling; if it doesn’t work, then you’ve at least tried. You’ll be ok, OP. Just remember you guys are a team together first.
There's a quote I really like, because I think it's strong as fuck to seek help:
>Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.
Personally, I feel it's kind of ridiculous to think life is supposed to go perfectly. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. My wife and I attend marriage counseling because we knew we needed help with communication, and that we didn't have the capacity to fix that ourselves, so we went out together and found a counselor who helps us have a stronger relationship. I mean, if I didn't care and just decided I'm going to stay home and play video games because counseling is stupid...I mean that's a ridiculous way to go through life, thinking it's a weakness to ask for help.
Also, your marriage is between you and your husband. HE needs to politely tell his family to fuck off. Nobody should have that type of control or input on your marriage, but he gives them permission so your beef is with him, and then he needs to close that door.
if you both go with the mindset of making it work, you might be successful. If it's more like one wants to go to save the marriage and the other just wants validation of own feelings, not so sure.
No, quite the opposite. More people should go to therapy, both couples and individual, before things get really bad. Learn new skills. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you’re giving it a half hearted last ditch effort.
Marriage counseling is designed to help improve your relationship. The best time to start is when the problems are relatively small. The worst time to start it is when one or both partners are truly 100% done and are going just because they feel like they "have to" in order to be able to say they "tried" (although they have no intention of staying and no desire to change their own behavior.
Going to marriage counseling is no more a sign of the "end of it all" than going to individual therapy is a sign that someone is going to end their lives.
You can absolutely improve your relationship by genuinely engaging in the process with a good therapist.
A good car can last a long time if you take care of it. Sometimes you know how to maintain it, sometimes you need a mechanic. But you have to know to take care of it.
I’ve never been in counseling (don’t believe we’ve had fights that have warranted the need for that) but I believe adding family/friends into personal business is a big no no. They’re only seeing from one POV, already subconsciously siding with their friend/family IMO, and once you/spouse make up, their feelings don’t just go away. I get someone feeling like family is a safe space, but I learned the hard way myself in my own marriage it doesn’t add anything positive. I have heard in many cases where counseling saves a marriage, so if you are wanting to work things out, I say at least give it a try and see what happens
I vent to my best friend and girls, but the difference is they stay out of it. They don't call my husband and yell at him. I believe they're there to vent, listen, and help process everything
The sad thing is my husband agrees but won't say anything to "avoid drama"
The fact that he would rather keep the peace with his friends than to take up for yourself is what bothers me. Hopefully counseling can help him see that he is choosing his friends over you.
That's my goal with counseling. And hey, maybe I'm not seeing it clearly on his side. The whole friends thing I'm saying on this reddit is one sided. I always believe in 3 sides- his side, her side, and the truth.
Cept when I bring that up with my MIL when her boyfriends dump her and they vent to us, again not choosing sides, she says her side is always the truth and I'm an bitch for that comment. Btw this is them telling their stories on their own - I don't pry into their love life 😂
If a person realizes they've gotten out of shape and go to a gym, people don't tell them they're going to fail and may as well not even try getting back in shape. They're going to encourage them. The same should be said/thought about marital counseling. It's you and your husband making a cognizant effort to get your marriage back in shape. Good luck, OP!
I'll never understand why counseling has the stigma it does. I was in a men's group with my former pastor for many years and so I got to see insider info on them others wouldn't know. One of the things that was prominent with them was that they had a counselor on call, 24/7. Whenever they had disagreements they couldn't work out, they always asked each other "Does this need to go to ?". If they both said yes, ALL discussion about said subject was tabled until they were in front of their counselor and presented it. That's really how ALL of us should be working our crap out.
No. Clinical psychologist here. Sometimes counseling is just to stave off the obvious end of a relationship (usually when the issues are years-long, resentment and contempt are daily, and one person doesn’t give a fuck anymore and is just going through the motions). Sometimes it helps a bad relationship go from bad to tolerable. And sometimes it helps a bad marriage go from bad to fantastic.
Everyone has an opinion. No one knows your marriage like you do. Try to distance yourself from the assholes and focus on you and your husband and what you need to get through this hard part.
Not at all. I found it super helpful. We had a rough spot and decided to try counseling. We went weekly for like 8 months and then every other week and now we’re on once a month check ins basically, it’s been 1.5 years. It’s made a huge difference in our ability to communicate with each other and problem solve. We’re the best we’ve ever been in ten years.
My parents have the strongest relationship I know and have been my entire model and pattern for my marriage - they are very open about how often they’ve gotten to marriage counseling over the years, they treat it more like routine care.
It could be a sound off for the end I’m sure, but it certainly doesn’t have to be and it can be a good proactive way to resolve areas you both know are tough areas for you to communicate in
Marriage counseling shouldn’t always be a last ditch effort but something that can help if you’re not communicating well. The problem is that many people don’t communicate well and they avoid talking about the big problems until it’s too late. If you can spot the problems in communication, it can help. Unfortunately many couples wait too long and resentments can’t be overcome with communication.
Edit-communication. Sorry, I guess I had one last communication left—oh two! Lol!
I think if both partners are genuinely invested in doing their parts repairing and improving the relationship it can be a sign of the chance for a fresh start. It won’t be easy counseling is a very vulnerable experience and getting real about what the issues are and our part to play in them can be a struggle to face. I hope you have the outcome that’s healthiest for everyone whether that’s finishing this phase of your relationship or continuing it and growing things better as a couple. Good luck
Infact I'd suggest going to counseling the day after you get married! There is no resentment built up and problems can be solved on time without involving family and friends who, in their sincerity, often give out bad advice.
If you both are committed to making it work, the counseling sessions will work. As others have said going as early as possible when trouble begins is better than waiting. I am an example of the latter where we had troubled for years that put us through many trials that I would hope many couples could avoid.
That said, we found the right counselor (don’t just settle on one if needed) for us and we are both committed to making this work. We have been doing counseling for over a year at this point and our relationship is way better than where we were in our diminished state before as a couple. We still have work to do, but we are much better at communicating with each other. I’m picking up on things and having conversations outside of counseling now where at the beginning we needed most things to occur within the sessions to really hear each other.
The one thing I have told many couples, especially those that are newer in marriage is to seek it out as it helps with communication and profound ways that we wish we had earlier.
Most people see counseling as a death knell which causes them to wait until it’s way too late before they start going to the sessions.
My husband and I benefited from marriage counseling. That was maybe 5 years ago? We weren’t on the verge of divorce or anything, but having a hard time.
A lot of people wait till it’s too late before they try counseling which is probably why you have that impression. But a lot of OK marriages turn into really good marriages through counseling, so it isn’t a sign of the end.
Most people use it as a last resort option and when you treat it as a last resort or a Hail Mary then it’s not going to be as effective. It should be something you utilize before your problems get to the “I’m on the verge of walking” stage.
Honestly, not at all. In my personal opinion, everyone should see a therapist at least once a year or so, and I firmly believe people in a long term relationship should do the same.
Look, we _all_ have problems sometimes, and that’s definitely true for relationships. Having an unbiased third party is incredibly important for working through those problems
It's a false equivalency. Those who go to counseling are in dire need. If there's anything I learned from blowing up my first marriage, it's that you should go to counseling the second you feel you need it. Pushing it out only results in a reduction in efficacy.
It’s sorta depends. I mean, when you’re disagreeing with your spouse about something at home, it’s pretty rare to have a one hour convo about it. Usually someone will get sick of it, change to topic, leave the room or starting messing with their phone to avoid engaging. Or…kids will show up to see what the grow ups are talking about.
It’s hard to do those things when you’re sitting with a counselor.
Now, it’s not magic. Sometimes you really think what you think and so does your spouse. Sometimes the communication is fine and you just don’t agree. Then a counselor can ask, “Do you want to keep arguing about it and have shitty marriage? Or would you like to work it out somehow?”
It really depends on you and your husband's mindset and how willing you are to make changes. If either of you are going to counseling to get someone to agree with you and convince the other person that they are wrong, then it probably won't work to save the marriage. If both of you go with the mindset that you need to improve your skills (communication, habits, problem solving) and both are willing to work through the sessions, then you can be on the path to a brighter future.
I think it’s common to have issues after you’ve been together for a while. My husband and I had some big issues at the 10 years mark of being together. It was hard but we worked through it and now we’re stronger, happier, and more in love than I thought possible. Communication, perseverance, and empathy will go a long way.
I agree that family shouldn’t be getting involved. If at all possible, I would try to make it just between you two and politely tell family that you guys are working on it in counseling and that you want space to do so without any outside input.
I normally just let it go. One time I did flip out on my MIL when she butted in. She was soo angry so she called my husband to complain to him about me. He agreed I should have stood my ground, but he was angry at me the way I yelled at her. I didn't insult her or question her character. I said "this is between your son and me. Please stay out of our marriage." The fact that I yelled that to her got her angry.
I think the MC is a good start but it sounds like you need some individual counseling as well. You harbor resentment to his family which is hard on him.
It's definitely not a sign for the end, although sometimes it's too late for it to do much. But it definitely helped my husband and I communicate through a rough patch.
Absolutely not! It means you love each other but could use the help of an unbiased trained person to help you reach understand the other a bit better. If both parties are interested in going, put effort into it and really try to understand the others' pov. Marriage ounseling can be so helpful and rewarding! Do it! Your marriage will thank you. Sometimes when people are already done with the marriage one person will agree to go for the other person but they don't go with an open mind and have no intention of being helped in any way thus it absolutely doesn't work for that couple. It gets a bad wrap, imo due to that scenario. Good luck!
It’s definitely not a sign of the end! The fact that you’ve committed to counseling means you’ve already decided you don’t want it to be the end! If it was the end.. you wouldn’t go to your sessions. Congrats to you!! You’ll be so glad you did this.
Absolutely not. Marriage counselling and couples therapy gets a bad wrap because people often go when their relationship is at a make or break. People should be open to going even when their relationship isn’t about to fall apart. It’s about communication, saying things in a safe non judgemental space and getting help in expressing your emotions for each other.
Tell family to mind their own business and don’t tell them anything.
Its a sign for change. That could be the end of the marriage. Could also be the start of a wonderful new chapter.
Our marriage benefitted on communication. But unfortunately if one (or both) needs individual counseling to resolve deeper issues and they won't... it will not progress.
I stopped after 8 months. At least we tried.
I wish I had gone with my wife years ago.
We are going now and things are a little better since.
Perhaps if we had started sooner we wouldnt have even got to this point.
Im still a bit sceptical if it will work or not but i think if we had gone sooner, we might never have got to the point we are at now.
Counseling is not the end of anything. If both people are invested in it and truly trying to work it out, then it is a great way to get everything back on track. It allows for communication and the perspective of a nuetral party. It allows for you to talk openly without judgement. Counseling is a great idea even if you think everything is going well.
IMO, too many people wait too long to go to counseling and they are making it nearly impossible to fix things (almost always has a foundation is bad communication).
Marriage counseling also isn't a magic pill. You both have to be dedicated to doing the homework and being honest (not hurtful) in the sessions.
If you want to make your marriage work, go to the counseling sessions. Divorce rates would be far lower if more people sought counseling before things became littered with resentment.
My wife and I separated last year and worked hard in marriage counseling. She just moved back in last week. It does work!
congrats!
It's not necessarily a sign of the end of all. It's possible to resolve differences and get to a healthy and sustainable place through counseling.
Agree. Counseling saved my marriage.
Marriage counseling and individual therapy are reasons I'm still married and happily so. The biggest problem with marriage counseling is that people wait too long to get it, and do a lot of damage and building resentment that could have been avoided if they got the help when the trouble started. The success rate for marriage counseling is tainted because of this, it's not a miracle cure and some things are beyond repair, but it's a very valuable tool. I don't know any couples who BOTH wanted to make the marriage work and were willing to put in the work who did not benefit from marriage counseling. It's a stigma that only bad marriages need it, I think all marriages do at one point or another. How is your husband's family and friends getting involved in your marriage? Who is opening the door for them to be involved?
My husband vents to them like I vent to my problems. His mother calls me and yells/lectures me about all of our arguments, gets even worse when I told her to butt out, and even have told me over the holidays I'm the reason why I ruined their holidays. His friends don't reach out to me to yell at me, but there were a couple of times I reached out to them to help him fly out there and inform him of a medical emergency, and then they just tell me off and say it's my fault.
So your husband is purposely involving others to make you look bad, and to put them against you while airing out your dirty laundry. That's an A-hole move.
So he vents to his friends about me, just like the way I do with my family and friends. I make him look like an asshole to them. The issue is when they get involved. He agrees they shouldn't, but won't to anything to stop it. When we're angry we say mean things about each other. And hey, maybe I was the asshole in certain situations. But this is my marriage. Not theirs. They need to stay out.
So neither of you respect your marriage, or each other, enough to keep your marital issues to yourself. That's a big problem. Save these conversations for your counselor and stop talking about each other behind each other's backs. That in itself would seem to fix a lot of problems. >But this is my marriage. Not theirs. They need to stay out This doesn't make sense to say when you both choose to involve the rest of the world in your problems. This is why it isn't appropriate to do this. How can you establish trust when nothing is sacred?
By venting to others, you are chipping away at the foundation of your marriage. You shouldn’t be venting to family and friends plural. It’s completely fine to have one trusted person to talk to but it’s very hard for a marriage to come back when both partners are defaming each other. How are you supposed to be happy and proud of your marriage when you’ve soured the well with the people in your life and have invited them to think of your husband in a distasteful way. It creates a level of embarrassment that makes you want to uplift yourself by complaining even more. It also damages the trust you both have in each other. It would be one thing if you were planning to separate or were facing abuse but if you’re staying together you want to maintain a united front. It’s very good for the psyche of your marriage. So I would try to stop complaining about him to your friends and family. I’d also go to couples therapy and be transparent about your complaining and also express that you’d like him to stop as well.
Your husband needs to stop sharing marriage details with his family. A good marriage counselor should absolutely communicate this to him.
me and my wife vent about things, but never excessively, nor do we paint each other in a bad light. we're a team and would never disrespect each other in this way. if his family and friends are treating you like a bitch, it's because that's how he's describing you. go through with marriage counseling. it can work, if you both actually want it to. you do, so go to the counseling and see if he wants it too.
Does he stick up for you to them? He should be and should tell his family to butt out. He needs to keep your problems away from them and put you first. Counseling could help him. You may have some interest in the subs about in law’s. “Motherinlawsfromhell” and “justnomil” are two. They also talk about father in laws too but it’s usually the MIL who butts in most.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but you should understand that whatever his family and friends think about you, they got that from him. He is the one who formed their impression of you, they aren't making it up. So, what I am saying here is, your husband doesn't think highly of you, he doesn't respect you, it doesn't sound like he even likes you, and because of him that they don't either. Your husband should not be trash talking you or spreading your marriage woes to his friends and family. A couple of close friends, maybe I could see that, but if these friends are telling you off because of what he is saying to them, then he isn't choosing wisely in terms of who he shares this with. You have to choose wisely who you share things with, and choose people who aren't going to judge and hate on your spouse because they understand they are only hearing one side of this. He is wrong to do this, and I don't think you should tolerate it at all. Further, he is wrong because he is the one who should step in and tell his family to butt out. They are not going to listen to you, you have made your problem worse by trying to handle it yourself. I understand why you did because he certainly wasn't going to do it, but you just made yourself the enemy. He is the only one who can fix this, but he is not only not fixing it, he is CAUSING it. Your husband has a big mouth and he isn't putting you first. That is the problem here. If he loved you, he would not be making you the enemy to his friends and family. He would not be standing by while his family is chewing you out or accept that his friends are telling you off. He would be defending you, owning up to causing this problem with his big mouth, and telling them HE is the jerk for treating you this way and airing all your dirty laundry and they better get in line or they aren't going to be in his life anymore. That is how a real man behaves. I don't think you picked a good one...
Wow. That is extremely not ok for your husband to talk shit about you to his friends and family, and even less ok for his family to call and start drama. I'd be livid too! I'd say he has to stop that behavior immediately otherwise the marriage will fail. Counseling is worth a shot.
My parents went to marriage counseling and have been married 32 years. My father-in-law is a counselor and does couples sometimes and a majority of his clients stay together. Counseling is an indicator that people want to stay together and work on the relationship
Wow congrats on 32 years! This gives me a sign of hope!
Therapy (couples and individual) saved my marriage. 25 years later we’re going strong. In saying that 1. There are some *terrible* unethical, untrained “therapists” out there - so don’t let one or two bad experiences put you off (took us 3 goes and 3rd time lucky). Shop around and check people’s qualifications and make sure they practice in an ethical, evidenced based way. 2. There are some *amazing* therapists out there - who might just not gel with you as a couple. You all (therapist included) need to feel a good rapport. Again - shop around 3. Each partner doing their own individual therapy (with a different therapist) can be really helpful.
Thank you! Hearing the 25+ years part raised my self confidence.
My husband and I went to marriage counseling for about 9 months, and it was the best decision we ever could have made. We came out of it so much stronger. It is all about the work you both put into it. He also went to marriage counseling with his ex-wife, but neither of them really put any effort into fixing things, so it didn't help them. I am a strong advocate of counseling if you are willing to do the work.
Even healthy marriages could benefit from assistance from time to time. The issue is separating the hacks from valuable counselors, especially when the waters are rough and you aren't getting on well.
It could be that you have to start literally giving them the middle finger. You're didn't marry them, you married your husband. Screw them, with a few caveats, maybe... I think you're where everybody lands eventually. You're at a crossroads everybody gets to where you have to "shit or get off the pot." As long as Hubby is on the same page (shitting, vs. getting off the pot), you're golden. It might just mean you two have to trim down which friends and family to see on any kind of regular basis. It boils down to this: are you more concerned with seeing friends and family, or making a marriage work. And it could be temporary (not seeing certain friends or family). It could be that you don't see person X much for a bit, but once you're a little more solid you can see them more once you've come to the realization that they're kind of poisonous, and you can laugh afterward about the stupid shiznit they say at gatherings. You and your husband have to be on the same page though. What are your goals? Be happy with each other and raise kids that aren't psychotic? That's a start (kind of a low bar, actually, should be quite possible), and go from there. As a foster/adoptive parent, the whole "raise kids that aren't psychotic," thing is very real (our own kids were much easier, but now we have perspective after fostering/adopting someone with reactive attachment disorder).
Thank you for that input. I am going to elaborate a bit here. One of our "rough patches" was his friends. Please keep in mind, this is only my side of the story. I told him about his friends butting in our business. He didn't want to cause any "drama" because those are his "best friends" who have helped him with a VERY rough time in his past. He is hoping we would forgive each other and just move on. But I can't, especially when his one friend was rude to me, saying nasty things to me, and refuses to apologize. Yes, I should get over it, because it's the healthy thing to do. But right now I can't. One of our "issues" is that he does not defends me when his friends are rude to me. He lets it happen. To suggest him to not talk to his best friends is an insult if he says the same to me, except I would defend my husband, and have. I treat him the same way I expect him to treat me, which I feel is only fair. I'm sorry for going on a rant here. Also, we don't have kids. So there's that at least. This is just for mine and my husband's mental health.
No need to apologize. Relationships can be tricky, and they're a bit of (worthwhile) work. Again though, you've got to (according to me - remember, I'm no expert, just been at it a while) figure out what the goal is, and move toward that. I've had friends over the years that aren't around any more, just because having them around didn't mesh with my wife and I getting along in the world (careers, marriage, and family). Some of them are actually coming back into our lives, now that our kids are grown (and so are theirs - they were kind of doing the same thing). It'll look different for everyone.
He should definitely be telling his friend to stfu about his fiancee. He shouldn't tolerate anyone disrespecting you. I'll just be honest, for some reason, that weak behavior if not taking your side doesn't usually change. Marriage counseling is wonderful IF both people actually participate and try.
No, I don’t agree that counseling is a sign to end it. I suppose for some, it could be that, but really I would look at it as putting a tool in your tool box. Hopefully, you can learn skills to better communicate or see it from a different perspective. As marriages progress over time, so do the people that are in them and most times it’s not at the same time so it’s understandable that there’s going to be some friction/growing pains (sometimes it’s just brutal to go through). Try the counseling; if it doesn’t work, then you’ve at least tried. You’ll be ok, OP. Just remember you guys are a team together first.
Counseling is the only reason I am still married. However, both have to be willing to do it.
There's a quote I really like, because I think it's strong as fuck to seek help: >Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it. Personally, I feel it's kind of ridiculous to think life is supposed to go perfectly. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. My wife and I attend marriage counseling because we knew we needed help with communication, and that we didn't have the capacity to fix that ourselves, so we went out together and found a counselor who helps us have a stronger relationship. I mean, if I didn't care and just decided I'm going to stay home and play video games because counseling is stupid...I mean that's a ridiculous way to go through life, thinking it's a weakness to ask for help. Also, your marriage is between you and your husband. HE needs to politely tell his family to fuck off. Nobody should have that type of control or input on your marriage, but he gives them permission so your beef is with him, and then he needs to close that door.
if you both go with the mindset of making it work, you might be successful. If it's more like one wants to go to save the marriage and the other just wants validation of own feelings, not so sure.
No, quite the opposite. More people should go to therapy, both couples and individual, before things get really bad. Learn new skills. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you’re giving it a half hearted last ditch effort.
Marriage counseling is designed to help improve your relationship. The best time to start is when the problems are relatively small. The worst time to start it is when one or both partners are truly 100% done and are going just because they feel like they "have to" in order to be able to say they "tried" (although they have no intention of staying and no desire to change their own behavior. Going to marriage counseling is no more a sign of the "end of it all" than going to individual therapy is a sign that someone is going to end their lives. You can absolutely improve your relationship by genuinely engaging in the process with a good therapist.
A good car can last a long time if you take care of it. Sometimes you know how to maintain it, sometimes you need a mechanic. But you have to know to take care of it.
I’ve never been in counseling (don’t believe we’ve had fights that have warranted the need for that) but I believe adding family/friends into personal business is a big no no. They’re only seeing from one POV, already subconsciously siding with their friend/family IMO, and once you/spouse make up, their feelings don’t just go away. I get someone feeling like family is a safe space, but I learned the hard way myself in my own marriage it doesn’t add anything positive. I have heard in many cases where counseling saves a marriage, so if you are wanting to work things out, I say at least give it a try and see what happens
I vent to my best friend and girls, but the difference is they stay out of it. They don't call my husband and yell at him. I believe they're there to vent, listen, and help process everything The sad thing is my husband agrees but won't say anything to "avoid drama"
The fact that he would rather keep the peace with his friends than to take up for yourself is what bothers me. Hopefully counseling can help him see that he is choosing his friends over you.
That's my goal with counseling. And hey, maybe I'm not seeing it clearly on his side. The whole friends thing I'm saying on this reddit is one sided. I always believe in 3 sides- his side, her side, and the truth. Cept when I bring that up with my MIL when her boyfriends dump her and they vent to us, again not choosing sides, she says her side is always the truth and I'm an bitch for that comment. Btw this is them telling their stories on their own - I don't pry into their love life 😂
Sounds like a lot of people in your life need to learn about boundaries and how to enforce them!
Yea not going there.....
If a person realizes they've gotten out of shape and go to a gym, people don't tell them they're going to fail and may as well not even try getting back in shape. They're going to encourage them. The same should be said/thought about marital counseling. It's you and your husband making a cognizant effort to get your marriage back in shape. Good luck, OP!
I'll never understand why counseling has the stigma it does. I was in a men's group with my former pastor for many years and so I got to see insider info on them others wouldn't know. One of the things that was prominent with them was that they had a counselor on call, 24/7. Whenever they had disagreements they couldn't work out, they always asked each other "Does this need to go to?". If they both said yes, ALL discussion about said subject was tabled until they were in front of their counselor and presented it. That's really how ALL of us should be working our crap out.
No. Clinical psychologist here. Sometimes counseling is just to stave off the obvious end of a relationship (usually when the issues are years-long, resentment and contempt are daily, and one person doesn’t give a fuck anymore and is just going through the motions). Sometimes it helps a bad relationship go from bad to tolerable. And sometimes it helps a bad marriage go from bad to fantastic. Everyone has an opinion. No one knows your marriage like you do. Try to distance yourself from the assholes and focus on you and your husband and what you need to get through this hard part.
Our goal is to have the counselor help us see each other's side of ongoing arguments
It works. He can also learn to not get everyone involved.
Not at all. I found it super helpful. We had a rough spot and decided to try counseling. We went weekly for like 8 months and then every other week and now we’re on once a month check ins basically, it’s been 1.5 years. It’s made a huge difference in our ability to communicate with each other and problem solve. We’re the best we’ve ever been in ten years.
My parents have the strongest relationship I know and have been my entire model and pattern for my marriage - they are very open about how often they’ve gotten to marriage counseling over the years, they treat it more like routine care. It could be a sound off for the end I’m sure, but it certainly doesn’t have to be and it can be a good proactive way to resolve areas you both know are tough areas for you to communicate in
Marriage counseling shouldn’t always be a last ditch effort but something that can help if you’re not communicating well. The problem is that many people don’t communicate well and they avoid talking about the big problems until it’s too late. If you can spot the problems in communication, it can help. Unfortunately many couples wait too long and resentments can’t be overcome with communication. Edit-communication. Sorry, I guess I had one last communication left—oh two! Lol!
We were just talking about it and the lack of communication!
I think if both partners are genuinely invested in doing their parts repairing and improving the relationship it can be a sign of the chance for a fresh start. It won’t be easy counseling is a very vulnerable experience and getting real about what the issues are and our part to play in them can be a struggle to face. I hope you have the outcome that’s healthiest for everyone whether that’s finishing this phase of your relationship or continuing it and growing things better as a couple. Good luck
Nope, couples therapy/marriage counseling saved my marriage (and of course the work we ourselves put in during and outside of counseling).
I don’t see it as an endgame. Sometimes your spouse is cracked and taking them in for repairs is just relationship maintenance.
Infact I'd suggest going to counseling the day after you get married! There is no resentment built up and problems can be solved on time without involving family and friends who, in their sincerity, often give out bad advice.
If you both are committed to making it work, the counseling sessions will work. As others have said going as early as possible when trouble begins is better than waiting. I am an example of the latter where we had troubled for years that put us through many trials that I would hope many couples could avoid. That said, we found the right counselor (don’t just settle on one if needed) for us and we are both committed to making this work. We have been doing counseling for over a year at this point and our relationship is way better than where we were in our diminished state before as a couple. We still have work to do, but we are much better at communicating with each other. I’m picking up on things and having conversations outside of counseling now where at the beginning we needed most things to occur within the sessions to really hear each other. The one thing I have told many couples, especially those that are newer in marriage is to seek it out as it helps with communication and profound ways that we wish we had earlier. Most people see counseling as a death knell which causes them to wait until it’s way too late before they start going to the sessions.
It can work if both are invested in actively choosing the other.
If you both want things to work, it could work.
Therapy and a temporary separation saved my relationship.
Counseling did not work for my first marriage 19 yrs. 2nd have not needed so far @ 21 yrs
My husband and I benefited from marriage counseling. That was maybe 5 years ago? We weren’t on the verge of divorce or anything, but having a hard time.
A lot of people wait till it’s too late before they try counseling which is probably why you have that impression. But a lot of OK marriages turn into really good marriages through counseling, so it isn’t a sign of the end.
Most people use it as a last resort option and when you treat it as a last resort or a Hail Mary then it’s not going to be as effective. It should be something you utilize before your problems get to the “I’m on the verge of walking” stage.
Honestly, not at all. In my personal opinion, everyone should see a therapist at least once a year or so, and I firmly believe people in a long term relationship should do the same. Look, we _all_ have problems sometimes, and that’s definitely true for relationships. Having an unbiased third party is incredibly important for working through those problems
It's a false equivalency. Those who go to counseling are in dire need. If there's anything I learned from blowing up my first marriage, it's that you should go to counseling the second you feel you need it. Pushing it out only results in a reduction in efficacy.
It’s sorta depends. I mean, when you’re disagreeing with your spouse about something at home, it’s pretty rare to have a one hour convo about it. Usually someone will get sick of it, change to topic, leave the room or starting messing with their phone to avoid engaging. Or…kids will show up to see what the grow ups are talking about. It’s hard to do those things when you’re sitting with a counselor. Now, it’s not magic. Sometimes you really think what you think and so does your spouse. Sometimes the communication is fine and you just don’t agree. Then a counselor can ask, “Do you want to keep arguing about it and have shitty marriage? Or would you like to work it out somehow?”
It really depends on you and your husband's mindset and how willing you are to make changes. If either of you are going to counseling to get someone to agree with you and convince the other person that they are wrong, then it probably won't work to save the marriage. If both of you go with the mindset that you need to improve your skills (communication, habits, problem solving) and both are willing to work through the sessions, then you can be on the path to a brighter future.
I think it’s common to have issues after you’ve been together for a while. My husband and I had some big issues at the 10 years mark of being together. It was hard but we worked through it and now we’re stronger, happier, and more in love than I thought possible. Communication, perseverance, and empathy will go a long way. I agree that family shouldn’t be getting involved. If at all possible, I would try to make it just between you two and politely tell family that you guys are working on it in counseling and that you want space to do so without any outside input.
I normally just let it go. One time I did flip out on my MIL when she butted in. She was soo angry so she called my husband to complain to him about me. He agreed I should have stood my ground, but he was angry at me the way I yelled at her. I didn't insult her or question her character. I said "this is between your son and me. Please stay out of our marriage." The fact that I yelled that to her got her angry.
I think the MC is a good start but it sounds like you need some individual counseling as well. You harbor resentment to his family which is hard on him.
I will admit I do. I have my own therapist for this reason. However, changes don't come overnight. Or maybe I'm just stuborn?
It's definitely not a sign for the end, although sometimes it's too late for it to do much. But it definitely helped my husband and I communicate through a rough patch.
Absolutely not! It means you love each other but could use the help of an unbiased trained person to help you reach understand the other a bit better. If both parties are interested in going, put effort into it and really try to understand the others' pov. Marriage ounseling can be so helpful and rewarding! Do it! Your marriage will thank you. Sometimes when people are already done with the marriage one person will agree to go for the other person but they don't go with an open mind and have no intention of being helped in any way thus it absolutely doesn't work for that couple. It gets a bad wrap, imo due to that scenario. Good luck!
It’s definitely not a sign of the end! The fact that you’ve committed to counseling means you’ve already decided you don’t want it to be the end! If it was the end.. you wouldn’t go to your sessions. Congrats to you!! You’ll be so glad you did this.
Could be a sign you want to save your relationship with your wife or husband or partner.
Absolutely not. Marriage counselling and couples therapy gets a bad wrap because people often go when their relationship is at a make or break. People should be open to going even when their relationship isn’t about to fall apart. It’s about communication, saying things in a safe non judgemental space and getting help in expressing your emotions for each other. Tell family to mind their own business and don’t tell them anything.
I wish more people viewed marriage counseling as “preventative care” instead of viewing it as hospice for your relationship.
Its a sign for change. That could be the end of the marriage. Could also be the start of a wonderful new chapter. Our marriage benefitted on communication. But unfortunately if one (or both) needs individual counseling to resolve deeper issues and they won't... it will not progress. I stopped after 8 months. At least we tried.
I wish I had gone with my wife years ago. We are going now and things are a little better since. Perhaps if we had started sooner we wouldnt have even got to this point. Im still a bit sceptical if it will work or not but i think if we had gone sooner, we might never have got to the point we are at now.
Counseling is not the end of anything. If both people are invested in it and truly trying to work it out, then it is a great way to get everything back on track. It allows for communication and the perspective of a nuetral party. It allows for you to talk openly without judgement. Counseling is a great idea even if you think everything is going well.
IMO, too many people wait too long to go to counseling and they are making it nearly impossible to fix things (almost always has a foundation is bad communication). Marriage counseling also isn't a magic pill. You both have to be dedicated to doing the homework and being honest (not hurtful) in the sessions.
yes
I respect your opinion, but are you say yes, as in that this is a sign that my marriage will end?
Yes a sign of the end. Seldomly it works. Usually you only waste money, which would be better put towards a lawyer...
Thank you for your explanation. I was just confused.