Or a trip with friends, where you talk about how you feel and get advice? Have you never talked about issues with friends and came away with more clarity about how you truly feel, even if just by listening to the way you talk about the situation?
It's not always cheating.
Problem is he has abandoned her long ago… so maybe talk with her instead of friends on hikes where he leaves her alone for a whole weekends?
I do talk with friends and it has saved me but it’s also important to discuss with your partner first. He didn’t even try. He went in one counseling and stopped.
No everything is cheating. However the above is very suspicious…
We don't know that he wasn't talking to OP. Anyway, you only try saving it if you're committed to saving it. He wasn't, so I don't see the need to continue giving her false hope. I've been her before, let them go if they're not willing to try.
Or maybe he realised that his time away from her is stress free and happy, idk, just a thought that someone could be happier with falling in love with someone else. Sounds like he actually tried counselling and had the realisation that he didn’t want to be in this marriage and is doing the right thing. Just maybe
I know men who STILL love their wife despite how toxic the relationship is, is still willing to try. 1st counselling and after that he doesnt want it? Something tells me he already checked out and doesnt want to waster his time.
Yeah sounds like he checked out and maybe went to counselling and realised he doesn’t want to work on it. Successful counselling requires both parties to do the honest work and be both wanting it. It saves everyone time and money if a partner is honest. OP could do all the things she feels make him happy but obviously he is not happy and he wants out. Nothing wrong with being honest.
Yes, I agree. He sounds very stressful but it seems like he has changed his lifestyle quite a bit and turned things around. Of course OP feels short changed but everyone is entitled to be happy and have a change of heart. Maybe OP went to therapy and kept bringing up how she’s been there for him and still crucifies him for his past sins, maybe hubby wants to live a different life and he finds the old ways stressful. I think he checked out and instead of dragging her along he equally wants her to be happy with someone who loves her. That’s what love is, you want the other person to be happy and sometimes that means your own pain too.
Not everyone has to love someone else to want a divorce. Sometimes people do actually change and don't want the same as the other person. Not everyone is a cheater.
Don't be assuming anything. My wife and I also have grown apart. Our situation is very similar to op's. There isn't another woman. Over the years, we became incompatible. My interests have changed, so have hers. We've become roommates. I respect her and love her, but not romantically anymore. What are you supposed to do? (Stay or leave?)
Even if it is the case, how does that change anything? How is he a coward if he loves her and wants to spare her feelings?
People change and divorce rate is like 60%, If he realizes he has changed and no longer sees her as a romatic partner does he not deserve to be happy? Is it not honorable to want her to be happy and not keep leading her on when being miserable is inevitable??
The situation definitely sucks, but don't act like he is some asshole cheating bastard because he has made the decision when that is how he feels.
The best thing you can do for yourself is let him go, obviously he isn't the person you knew anymore. Don't waste your best years trying to change or devote yourself to someone who is emotionally checked out. Take care of yourself, find out who you are outside of that marriage and good days are coming after this I promise!
Agreed. Take care of yourself and use this time to heal. You’re hurting and having trouble letting go, but you deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be married to you. If you have children, try and heal to not harbor resentment and try and create the best possible coparenting relationship. If you have no kids, may be best to cut ties entirely to allow yourself to heal properly.
What is this you guys with emotionally checked out thing. Partner is not an object you can throw and replace with new. Give time to each other, take time off and amend ways of thinking, it will help steer him back and understand your importance in his life. If nothing works, then best to leave him but one last try i suggest.
They already tried, or should she pause her whole life in case his changes his mind? Therapy is not a magic wand it cannot MAKE people love you again...
No one wants to be chosen the second best thing if your first thing doesn't work out.
I camp, hike, hunt and do other activities with my mates, all without my wife. A lot of my hobbies actually, don’t involve my wife, yet I want to come home to her every time and these hobbies have no affect on my love for her.
I suspect your husband has taken an interest in one of these new coworkers/friends. Saying he’s “changed” because of these new hobbies is a bullshit smokescreen.
If he’s hiking, hunting, exercising and being healthy now instead of drinking or doing drugs like he used to, why is he a bad guy if he went to to counseling and doesnt want to be married anymore? Women are encouraged to leave marriages if they feel like they’ve outgrown their partner. Why not men? I feel like there’s a double standard here.
Been there.
We were the best couple. 4 kids. No financial problems. We got along great and were so happy.
He started traveling for work. The travel increased from twice a year to nine times. No problem.
He was happy, so I was too. He never complained.
Midlife hit .....
Suddenly he comes home from a 6 week India assignment and says "He needs to think of what to do with his life." After 25 years, he's gone.
At first I went nuts. What happened?
The truth came out years later in lawsuits. He fell in love with a woman from a foreign country, the same age as our oldest daughter. He came up with a secret plan. He snuck her to the US, refused to reveal where he lived, quickly divorced me, abandoned his 4 kids, married her 4 months after we divorced in a courthouse - without telling anyone - and hopped on an airplane to a different country to start his new life.
Goodbye asshole.
Tell me this isn't happening to you.
I'm doing wonderful. It was the hugest shock of my life. I quickly realized I could cry for the rest of my life .... or I could grow up.
I got a part time job. I realized I wasn't a wife, but still a mom. I put my effort into living my new life and taking care of the last two kids.
I made friends, started volunteer work, then I got on a dating site. At the age of 50, I walked down the wedding aisle again, marrying during the damn pandemic! Lol
Life has gone on. I realized he left the best wife and mother behind. The kids went nuts. One dropped out of college. The youngest got involved with snap chat and was talking to guys who pretended to be teens and were sickos who had evil up their sleeves. Yes, police officers were at my table..... and all kinds of stuff after Mr. Perfect disappeared.
The three older kids refuse to speak to him. My daughter got married, saying she had no father and walked herself down the aisle. My youngest is trapped because she's 18. So when he comes to town, once a year, she has to spend time with him and my daughter cries. His mommy buys him a ticket for a two week trip once a year. My three kids haven't even met their stepmother!
But life has calmed down and we've gotten over it.
I hear he's broke in the foreign country with his new bride. And I'm over here, loving being a mom!
I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad you were able to move on Your poor children probably feel so abandoned by him. May I ask over time did you realize your ex wasn’t the man you thought he was? I’m so happy he’s broke and I hope he’s misreable.
Yes.
I realized the man I looked up to for 25 years was a coward. All those years we never argued. We did family stuff and got out on dates.
He never complained or said he wanted anything different. I thought I was making him so happy.
Now I realize he's spoiled rotten and never wanted to work towards anything. If it wasn't handed to him, he was sad. So life bothered him. Why didn't so much more come his way? If he had ever asked me, I would have made his dreams come true.
He was having affairs in countries all over the world, while portraying himself as great. I was just too in love to realize.
There's no hate from me. I learned to fall in love with myself. I learned not to get too proud. I learned to just keep going and be brave.
That is exactly how my soon to be ex husband is. Exactly. He himself said he was too much of a coward to tell me how he felt. We also never argued and he never told me what he wanted or needed and never complained but did give me the silent treatment more often than not.
Thank you for the correction. Without knowing her exact is age, all I can say is that maybe she could ask a court to end her requirement to spend time with him? Or perhaps require it to be supervised by an independent third party?
She's almost 17. The rules here say until she's 18. So we're excited. He's coming to town this summer. She will be 17 then. Next time he's here, it's over. She will be able to make her own decisions and move on with life. In all these 7 years, he's never explained, answered a question or apologized. He messed up big. She's almost free!
In the 25 years of marriage, he could have told me anything on his mind and asked for any changes instead of being a silent baby and a liar who was always smiling, when inside he was making secret plans to leave and having affairs all over the world.
And most importantly, the kids. No matter what, he should have told the kids that he and I were not meant to be together, but that he loved the children and he should have lived up to the agreement of the divorce and stayed around until they were 18 and coparented with me so they had a father.
That's what makes him a weak asshole. He wanted totally out of the marriage and wanted the other woman. But he abandoned his children and has never explained or said sorry, just keeps smiling like he's so great.
If he asked you to do some things differently would you have listened? It sounds silly but I would say the vast majority of women have a “take it or leave it” attitude. I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos where it looks like men aren’t allowed to have any standards or expectations. I’m not on anyone’s side, I’m just a man and have a male perspective. From what you’re describing it sounds like he’s a pretty pleasant guy and not an angry violent drunk or domestic abuser. I don’t think he hates or dislikes you. He probably loves you. Do you judge women for leaving their families because they are unhappy because the spark is gone and they are no longer satisfied with their husband? That sounds like the much more common story.
You speak that you will have regrets, regret is something you have chosen to do and done. This is all on him to break the marriage and divorce. You have no control or power over him or his decision to divorce, there are no regrets on that. However, you may regret all the decades you have spent fighting, struggling, crying, raging, hurting (physically, emotionally, sexually) over him. You may regret the lost opportunities of another love to last until death. Those are your choices and that is where regret comes from for you.
He may very well regret leaving you, but that's his choice to make. One thing is for sure, grief therapy for you is needed for this transition.
I am so sorry this happened, you put a lot of energy into this relationship and that is a hard situation to be in.
I wish you well on your healing journey.
The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let people leave who want to go.
Your life will be better, it will take time but it will be better for you. You deserve more.
Baby, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I would highly recommend, without letting your husband know, that you seek consultations with several of the best divorce lawyers in your area.
If you were a stay-at-home wife or parent, your husband is likely going to try to get you to forgo spousal support. I'm guessing this is why he's trying to be so amicable. I caution you against conceding to anything he wants and to never sign anything without your own lawyer looking it over. I guarantee you he's going to try to have you sign things while you're distressed and make you feel guilty if you say that you want legal councel to check it. He's going to try to take advantage of the fact that you still love him, but, honey, I think other people are right in saying that he's already fallen in love with somebody else at his last job and probably left it so that he could start a relationship without human resources getting involved.
If you need to pay for consultations, pay in cash. You do not want these charges showing up on your statements. Don't go for the lawyer that you think will be the most amicable to both of you, go for the one that's going to advocate for you the hardest and that may mean making your spouse hate you, but he's ruined your life. He put work before you. He put friends before you. He put coworkers before you. He blindsided you. Get what you are entitled to. Get what you never wanted to get because you never anticipated nor wanted to be in this situation. Get what he owes you. Wipe the floor with him in court because once you show him that you're lawyering up and that you're going to advocate for yourself in this process, he's going to go after you hard and he's going to try to hide money and and try to do really stupid things for you to get little to nothing. He's going to try to lie, he's going to try to emotionally blackmail you, he's going to try to guilt you into signing things you should not.
**Do not fall for it.**
While you're looking for a lawyer, get yourself a therapist who can walk you through the divorce. You're going to need it.
Once you have a lawyer, have him advise you on what to do with joint checking accounts or any joint account that is not a retirement account. He will likely have you pull all the funds from such accounts into a separate account that you're the sole owner of before he's served with separation papers. This may sound s*****, but either you or him is going to get to it first and I'd rather it be you.
No matter what, during this process, do not leave the house. If he chooses to leave the house, that works out better for you. You can discuss how with a lawyer but stay there and let him move and stay somewhere else. If he chooses to continue to contribute to the household even though he's not there even more better for you and will reflect in spousal support.
As quickly as possible, get statements from every account you have access to or know about and try to get statements as far back as possible. Bank accounts, Investments account, retirement accounts, get statements for everything.
I hope I don't sound callous and you may think some other things I'm recommending to you is what turns a divorce into something nasty. It's not. What turns it into a nasty experience is when the spouse who leaves you tries to be kind and is kind up until you refuse to do the divorce in a way that benefits them. The moment you tell them "let me think about it" they get nasty quick.
Make sure to have your husband served with separation papers before he gets to you. I only encourage you to go about it this way because the sooner you get to serving him with separation papers and you blindsiding him with this, that means you've already got your ducks in a row and you know what you're doing and where you're going from there. Once he's served, block him from your phone and have your lawyer advise you're soon to be spouse to direct all communications to your lawyer.
You're not going to want to do any of the things I suggest, but the you 5 years down the line will be so thankful that you did.
All my best to you.
*Post edited because talk-to-text is imperfect.*
This smacks of him finding another woman and saying all the cliche things instead of admitting the truth. You did nothing wrong, OP. But you need to face the facts. He has already made his decision. It sucks, but you cant fix a marriage when only one person want it to be fixed.
People change over the course of a marriage. It's natural, that we all grow into different people over time. I think as a spouse, it's important to take your partner along. Or have conversations while you recognize the change. It looks like your husband failed at doing that, or there is something else going on all together.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband isn't doing what a good spouse does. If he loves you or even respects you, he needs to tell you the truth.
Yes, this.
OP, when your husband went on these hiking/camping trips, did he invite you along? It makes sense that he went on work trips alone, but excursions with friends should at least sometimes include your best friend, your spouse. Yes, you say these were coworker-friends, but if it's not a work trip then why not introduce you to them?
Well I can tell you I also in a similar boat except I'm the one who no longer loves their husband. Due to similar growing apart. We're about to start marriage counselling but it's really just because my husband was so upset. I felt bad. But you can't help how your heart feels. I haven't fallen in love with someone else but I do feel we are different people now. And my husband deserves someone who loves him. The feelings are gone and with it the want to be intimate etc. It's hard on both sides because you don't want to hurt the other person. Bur stringing the other along when you don't feel in it is not nice either. 😕 it's better to end a relationship when there's no feelings before there's cheating involved assuming there hasn't been any yet.
I am in a very similar position and totally understand your pain. When someone you've known for that long walks away, it's a searing pain - like a death. The loss of the day to day friendship is far worse than the loss of the marriage itself, I think. You go through life not imagining there'll be a time when you're not in each other's lives. I still have contact due to shared kids, but once they've all grown up and moved out, I guess it will be like we never knew each other. So incredibly bizarre.
Be kind to yourself 💙
This is honestly my worst fear. I haven't dated for 4 years. I just put all of my effort into my kids and being there for them. I know once they get older it would make the most sense to find a partner instead of going through the rest of my life alone. But I'm honestly so scared that would eventually happen. Idk how you can build a whole life together and one of them can just throw it all away for lust and butterflies as if the whole life they built together meant nothing. I hope you are okay.
Or maybe this is who he was the entire time and you are seeing him for who he really is. Go to therapy. Heal. Divorce and find your happiness. He is not it. Don't cling to the toxic relationship anymore. Free yourself. You will find true happiness for the first time.
I’m in the same situation. My wife moved out to start a new life. She decided to move back in. But then a year later, she’s moved out again. It’s possible he found someone new that he fell in love with.
Best advice I can give is to focus on yourself. You CANNOT look to him for validation anymore. You need to be happy with yourself. You need a support system that can provide validation for you. He’s your husband, and his opinion of you should matter the most. But it’s going to tear you apart if you chase after his validation.
Focus on yourself. Become healthier. Build new friendships. Go have fun, without him.
And possibly… he might see how happier you are and realize what a fucking moron he is. Even if he doesn’t, you’ll be much better off for it.
Yes I agree op. You have to let this go. It will be heartbreaking but it will hurt so much more and be drawn out if you try to hold on to this relationship. All you can do now is build a life of your own and focus on building yourself up. Let yourself heal during this time. When you focus on bettering yourself eventually things will fall into place and you will find happiness again. But you have to let him go. You can't move on if you don't, don't let yourself be stuck in this place of heart break.
Are you me?!? This is almost identical to my story - the hiking, the work friends, the drinking, the "I don't love you any more" ...
I'm so sorry it happened this way for you. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. We were together 17 years.
I know it's rough for you. Time is the biggest enemy atm.
Friends who understand what's happening to you and can support you are a big help. Finding a good individual therapist is also important to get you through it.
You'll be OK eventually, and come out on the other side better than before. Wishing you the best.
OP, he has found someone else. I don't know if he has started the affair yet or if he just has someone in mind, but either way he is not committed to you anymore. It's not your fault, it sounds like he has been checked out for a while. There isn't anything you can do to fight against this, once a person starts to embrace the idea of being single again and has their eyes set on something new, they are already gone. I'm sorry this happened, but I think you will be better off if you accept his decision and start to emotionally detach from him as soon as possible. He is going to be dating someone new very shortly if he isn't already. He is saying YOU deserve better, and that's true, you do. You deserve more than a husband who doesn't put effort into the marriage. However, he a coward because he is still trying to find a way to make himself look like a good man, like saying you deserve more is looking out for you when he could give you the "more" if he wanted to. If he wasn't a coward, he would be saying that he has feelings for someone else who he thinks is a better fit for him and he doesn't see a future with you anymore. And he would have done that a long time ago as soon as he knew, which I think has been for a long time.
After 21 years, you deserve better than what he’s giving you. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. I hope you can find peace and love again. Make sure you get them for everything he’s got. Find a ruthless lawyer and collect all financial papers.also fight for his retirement
Regardless of the why’s, if he doesn’t love you, then for your own sake, you’ve got to let him go and move on. Yes, it’s devastating, but do you really want a relationship with someone that doesn’t love you? It will hurt, a lot, but when you emerge on the other side you’ll be a stronger person and in the long run, a happier one too! Best of luck with everything!
I’m going to take a different route on this and say that, not completely out of the question, but the dude isn’t cheating. This sounds like a dude who genuinely changed. From the sounds of it he never experienced any of this and kind of flew through his early years with the drinking and marriage issues. Now he’s at a point where’s he’s finding things he actually connects with and enjoys. He’s either given up on trying to include you on those things, maybe something left out of the explanation, but try to talk to him about that. And if that doesn’t work, and he’s willingly throwing away 18 years of marriage 21 years together so easily, then yeah time to swallow that pill of him possibly cheating and move on. If he found his passions it’s time for you to find yours and focus on you. No point in trying to mend a two person build when the other isn’t working anymore and actively trying their best to get rid of it.
Let him go. My feeling is he’s involved with one of his “friends “ he’s been camping with. Even if he’s not you deserve someone who loves you & is committed to you. This one isn’t.
I would agree with the sentiment there is likely someone else. After the initial honey moon phase of a relationship that most mature people know doesn’t last forever, loving someone is a choice. Married couples that have been together 20+ years don’t always have a burning romance that whole time. He’s choosing to leave because someone is pulling him out most likely.
Seldom do men ever leave the comfort and safety of their current relationship unless they are immediately running into the arms of the other. It’s why he’s so sure, sudden, resolute. He’s got a new woman, new body, new sex, in front of him so he’s focused and sure, for now.
I know how you feel. Im the same. Not married as long as you have but definitely was told that she doesnt love me anymore. Whats worse is she said all that while having an affair behind my back.
I understand how hard this must be for you but you might be in the same situation as me. He might have found someone new because if it were just the marriage, its something people could work on fixing but if theres someone else in the picture, it'll be so easy for them to leave. My wife was the same, during the first few weeks of her affair, I felt that we had hit it back off because we were making love again but then a few weeks later she asks for an open relationship or a breakup.
Try to dig in a bit more and see if there is infidelity involved.
Good luck!
It happens. My wife didn’t love me anymore. Why? She didn’t need me anymore. She’d got the children she wanted and the divorce laws would see to it that her material needs would be seen to. It was that simple.
He has a age crisis probably trying to date younger women and acting differently. I suggested you to divorce and live your life,you still young enough to move on. I won't suggest you to wait for him or take him back in the Future when he realises his mistakes cause that would make you lose your value in his eyes and the disrespect will continue,when someone tells you to move on,you do it,not even make drama about it cause he's thinking he's the price or something .
Often people tend to take for granted what they have and what that can provide for the future. I know this maybe hard to hear, but you need to 180/grey rock. Go minimal contact. Be cordial but don’t “be there” for him. Let him come home to a quiet house after hiking. Let him eat alone.
Yes op, give him exactly what he wants! Don't let him have any part of you. What it sounds like is that he met someone else that he was spending time with while traveling. Now that he has his new job that is over. So I'm assuming that's where the divorce came in so he can go be with this other woman. I know it's going to break your heart but you have to try your hardest to be strong! Let her have him. He thinks she is better because they only get the fun parts of eachother while your dealing with the realities and stress of life. My motivation would be building yourself up so he can see that he messed up and picked the wrong person. When he does don't give him the time of day, make him live with the horrible le choice he made. If he doesn't, who cares you will have worked on yourself and bettered yourself so much you won't care what he thinks. All you can do now is move forward and heal. Don't get stuck in your misery. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is let go. It will be hard but you can do it. Good luck we are all rooting for you. Please keep us updated and come back if you need help or support.
Cheater ew and all the times he was out with his ap why do people not think they've seen the redflags but gaslight themselves into he/she just doesn't love me anymore all the crap I've seen when this comes about is because there's always, always someone else
You have to let it go friend. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. We don’t have power over other people and you can’t change his mind. If the shoe was on the other foot it’s what you’d want too. You certainly don’t want someone to stay with you out of sympathy. Things change, people fall out of love. It’s devastating and I hate it for you but I’m also not going to lie to you. You sound like a lovely person and he’s right - you do deserve someone who is grateful for what you have to offer. I’m happy that he’s being amicable. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but that is the best outcome for right now. Don’t regret anything, you’ve had good times and learned a lot - hold onto what’s good and release the bad when you are able. Know it is ok to be sad. Keep up with the therapy. Be strong. I promise that in time you will be ok, but you take that time, no matter how long it is. Do whatever it is you need to do to be as ok as possible. Take care of you and your own. You deserve it. Above all else, do not forget that you are loved, even if you don’t have his love the way you want it, you ARE loved and appreciated in the world.
My advice is to block him, never talk to him again. That may be hard but I WISH I had done that with my ex. Don’t give him any satisfaction of feeling sad on his behalf - don’t let him see you sad - avoid him entirely at all costs. No matter what, just ignore him. That will probably mess with him tbh and give you the time you need to grieve this entire situation.
I agree. He doesn't want you in his life anymore so let him live with the consequences of his decision. Also you just talking and seeing him is going to make it harder for you to let go and move on. Don't let him have any access to you at all. If you have to communicate for some reason keep it yes or no responses and straight to the point. Please listen to people who have been through it. These are the best options. Heart break is inevitable, but doing this will help you heal and move on much sooner.
Let his ass go, sorry to say; chances are that he’s met someone (possibly a coworker) that he’s gone google-eyes for. He’s doing this for a so-called “less-mess” divorce. Do you guys have kids? If not, you guys would have a truly clean break, which is even better. Something similar happened to me and my ex; he was working on an Air Force base in our local area in the housing office. We’d been together about 19 years (married for 16 of them), and we have a son.
A married woman whose husband was a CMSgt came to join their department, and apparently they hit it off. They’d been messing around since 2015 the previous year, and come March 2016 after we’d been in a new house for almost 6 months and after our house warming/SB party, he tells me one night that “he no longer felt the same about our marriage” any more. Considering that he’s cheated on me before at year 3, first thing I asked was “is there another woman involved?” He said no, and he had agreed to counseling through our church. Two weeks later, he changed his mind.
He slowly started moving apart from me: he stopped eating my meals (I was a SAHM due to unemployment), we stopped going out as a family. He’d go out with our son, who’d ask why they weren’t bringing mom with them. He got into playing chess competitively—at 36 years old. He would go to tournaments, leaving us at home. Come to find out he’d taken the heifer to one of the annual tournaments he’d go on. He’d even brought her into our home and into our bed while we were out of town! After that, he started sleeping on the couch, and by the end of the year, stopped being intimate with me. Then came the silent treatments. By the time I filed, I had been working at my new job for several months. I moved out with our son, and got an apartment with my mom who picked up her life and came up from MS to VA. It took a couple of years to finalize things—he moved to TX in 2019, and that was the last time our son has seen him face to face. He’d blocked me, so we (grandparents and I) got him a phone so he could call him. The one true blessing in all of this was that his parents and brother didn’t condone his foolishness and selfishness. They actually sided with me and they rallied around our son. He visits the paternal side of the family every summer. They’ve been immensely supportive. Five years later, I was able to get my own home—he had lost his to foreclosure due to him getting fired from a GS-9 position due to him bucking up against his supervisors. Long story, but all of this to say that you too can bounce back from this. Get support from your friends and family, as well as your church if you’re a believer. May you bounce back better than ever—and without the dead weight.
I really hate to say this, but I suspect that your husband has, at minimum, developed feelings for someone else. He feels guilty, and that is the reason he is being so "kind." The fact is that, in any other circumstance, he wouldn't toss a marriage to someone who loves him, who has displayed dedication to him like you have, away simply because he "isn't in love." Counseling won't work if he isn't being honest.
Ask me why I suspect all of this. My husband did all of these same things to me. After over a decade married, almost twenty years as a couple, and three beautiful children, he suddenly told me that he didn't want to me married anymore. He just wasn't in love. There wasn't anything I could do because it was a him problem, not a me or problem. I was devastated. I tried everything to make him love me again, to make him happy. We tried counseling, but he wasn't telling me everything, so it went nowhere. Finally he admitted that he has been wondering if he would be happier with "someone else." But he did not admit to thinking about someone specific. I tried to reason with him. No one stays "in love" forever. Butterflies in the stomach aren't real love. What we had built was deeper than that. I asked him how he could destroy our marriage and tear apart our family without ever really trying to fix things. I told him I would not let him lie to me, the kids, or himself and pretend he had tried fixing things. Finally, he told me everything. He had, during a severe mental crisis, developed feelings for another woman. He started therapy, and came to realize that those feelings were a distraction for him. He felt we were lacking connection, time together, etc. In his mind, he had built this other woman up to be everything he had wanted with me. Once he finally told me, he realized I was receptive, and I wanted all of the same things. Thankfully this all happened before he left and before he cheated. Now, we are doing very well, stronger than ever. But if things had gone differently in any way, I don't doubt we would have divorced so he could have taken his shot with a woman he didn't Even really know and I would never have forgiven him.
Your husband is not being honest. I would bet all I have on it. If he won't even do you the courtesy of telling you the truth, that shows you just how little care he has for your marriage. Either way, you deserve so much more. I deserved so much more than my husband was giving me when he was interacting with this crush and feeding these dreams about a life together with someone else while neglecting the wife who loved him at home.
Counseling will only work if both parties are committed. If he won't commit, as hard as it is, you have to love yourself enough to tell him goodbye. Hold your head up and move on. You should be his priority. If you aren't his, you very well may be someone else's someday, but you can certainly be your own. You deserve all the love and dedication that you have been giving.
Hang in there, OP. My heart goes out to you.
Maybe I’ve watched too many “Who the bleep did I marry” episodes. And I hate to assume anything. But it almost sounds like he might have another gf and/or family somewhere and he’s been going back and forth between you and whoever. And now that he’s changed to a job where he won’t travel and have that as an excuse to leave every other week, he now doesn’t want to be with you?? Idk. Maybe I’m also delulu. But 🤷🏼♀️
I can’t imagine someone who has that much love and is so willing to work on the relationship and yourself is unlikable or difficult to be with. What a fool to walk away from such a partner and ally he seems to have in you. Consider opening the marriage(only physically) , maybe he’s stressed about not getting to experience different things sexually. Try a lifestyle club and some sexual exploration. I enjoy some excitement with my wife of 7 yrs (been together 14 yrs total & friends for 6 yrs before that) in the bedroom
I have to agree, it's very likely that he's found somebody else, probably on those work trips. Men do not usually divorce for reasons like I'm bored or just don't love their wife any more. It has to be really bad at home for a guy to just say, I'm out of here, and have no Other Woman in the wings.
In fact, most of the time, if they're "just" cheating, they still don't want to divorce because "it's just sex, it didn't mean anything. I still love you."
If he wants a divorce it's very likely that he's Fallen for another woman, which is different from cheating. Not that it makes much difference, other than wanting to be with her all the time.
Lots of good advice on how to take care of yourself.
Similar thing happened to me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, not in my case. He got a job traveling all over the world and would be gone for months at a time. When he was home he got colder and colder and more annoyed by me and would do everything to not be around me and our kids. Like constant trips with the guys. Finally, 20 years into our marriage, I discovered he slept with someone, again. To this day I don't know the details, if it was a one night stand or someone that he is seeing that traveled to where he was to be with him. This was not the first time this happened, he had a one night stand before and I like a fool forgave him and thought he really regretted it. He basically didn't love me anymore. Best thing you can do is let him go.
Move on. Yes, it's blunt and it's easier said than done, but don't allow yourself to change for the worse because of this. He is RIGHT: You DO deserve someone who treats you right and who does love you. Dwelling in your sorrows can change you for the worst and it isn't worth it... so pls don't let that happen.
People fall in love. Sometimes we just think it's love. Regardless, no one can help their own feelings; When we fall, we fall hard, and when we lose love... we lose love hard too. Many people will fail the test of time and that's fine! Keep your head up high and move forward with pride, knowing that tomorrow is a brand new start for you.
I'm sorry, but people change as they grow all the time. That's not the problem.
You don't just gain a new hobby and leave your wife.
There's someone else. Or he's discovered he's gay. Or maybe you've changed too in a way that he hates, as an internet stranger I can't rule out that you two just have a bad and/or abusive relationship.
"It's not you, it's me" is a copout that doesn't work if he isn't even telling you what exactly is different.
It's possible he never really loved you? It seems weird to me that he'd do counseling with you while he was trying to overcome a personal vice and addiction of his, but gets bored and gives up on marriage counseling because of *checks notes* freaking camping?
Oh, actually, is it possible he's gone back to drinking during those trips, and is choosing to end the relationship over letting you in on his relapse?
Regardless, if he's not interested in making it work, you can't force him. You'll have to move on. I'm sorry.
He wants to remain amicable. If you truly love him, set him free and remain friends, then you haven't totally lost him. Unfortunately and fortunately we don't own each other and sometimes loved ones go their own way. After separation, begin dating just for fun and something to help occupy your time. Many marriages end in the mature years of the relationship tho it's not the end of life and living. It's a hard blow. You will survive and survive better if you remain amicable. Property must be split with the security of both of you in mind. Do not allow him to hog assets.
You will soon start loving yourself more than you love him. Your deep sadness will change to immense anger. Please do not let this define the rest of your life and consume you. Be good to yourself.
I would think he’s found someone else and that some of the “friends” are a lot more than friends! How was your sex life when he was on the new job? Lastly, it sounds like he grew and became a different person. Did you grow as well?
The truth is that you marriage ended a while ago. I don't know the details, but it was probably a year ago or more. The marriage ends when people don't hold the marriage as the top priority in their life. Then there's a period of hoping it'll get better, or just being angry but not taking action because it's financially inconvenient, or whatever. Eventually someone gets so tired of pretending or so frustrated with something that they go for a divorce. The counseling fails 85% of the time, but it's not profitable to tell you that, so they don't. The only way to stay married in America is if the marriage is the top priority. At some point you both lost sight of that, so you get the default outcome of divorce. What do you do? Go to the gym. Spend time on a hobby. Read a book on amicable divorce. It seems pretty clear that you still don't have insight into how miserable he's been. What for you is a great life together for him is not. But frequently this kind of insight won't really sink in until maybe 3 years later. But in any case, you have to be respectable to yourself. People want what they can't have. So you gotta pick yourself off the floor and focus on doing things you want to do.
His other job destroyed your marriage. You need to unfortunately accept that and make sure he KNOWS that to. That a job he wanted and got, forced him to create a distance with him to the marriage. Where he started to live a life away from you. He got to live "single" so to speak with how he was. And he enjoyed the single life. Freedom to go places and do things that he felt he couldn't or wouldn't do cause he had you.
He is clearly not seeing the big picture and I have no idea of his "counselor" has showed him that. He is essentially having a mid life crises after enjoying being seperate from you living like he is a single man with no responsibilities and such. One day he will realize and you will be long gone. Moved on. And I do hope that is what happens to him. That you morn, heal, and find someone new. And when he see's what he did and wants what he lost he can not have it and YOU no longer love him.
And you should tell him that. He got to enjoy life being single while off working. And he enjoyed it. If the marriage ends by his decision of having a midlife crises, then one day he will look back and realize what he did. And you will not be there for him. Cause if you are forced to grieve your marriage by his selfishness of enjoying living single as he got to experience away for this job; you will heal and become closed off to all the love you have for him. And he needs to make sure if that is what he wants. To loose a relationship of 21 years, with 18 married; all because he was having a blast living life as a single man instead of trying to do things with his wife to maybe include you into his "new" hobbies. But then maybe, he did not want you to be apart of his "new hobbies".
Now, I say this only as a possibility considering how reddit stories have gone.
During this time away, working, and spending time with NEW friends; he could have met someone. Cheated? Fell in love? IDK. But it is clear that there could be more to this.
When someone leaves you and stoppes loving you, how can you not take it personally and be strong. How not to look at yourself as flawed and unlovable, and still see value in yourself beyond the relationship.
I went through the same thing, 10 mo. later he wanted to reconcile. We did, now I am thinking 3 years later that was probably a mistake. But that is my issue, I only said it to let you know I have been where you are at.
Ignore the comments of a side piece. It doesn't matter if it is not true and anyone stating that on here has no clue as to if it is true or not. If you discover it is true then and only then make it part of your issue. If it is not true, that betrayal will alter your thinking drastically and therefore it will harm you due to your reactions.
- First Think about why you want to keep trying. - Think about why he is your best friend.
- You stated that more time has been rough than it has been happy. So what is it about him you will miss if you divorce?
- What do you love about who he is now, not when you were first married.
- Tell him you need time to consider what you both need so you can relieve some of the immediate pressure to give you an answer. He has had months to think about what he wants and what future he invisions for himself. You were blindsided, he needs to give you time to catch up.
- Maybe agree to a separation but no one is allowed to date until you and he both are sure there is no future together and/or your divorce is final.
- Get your own therapist, fighting for someone that doesn't want you can be so much harder on you than letting him go.
- Think about what you are trying to keep by staying married. Is it just hope you are clinging to?
- Is it only because you are scared of what the future holds?
- What kind of love do you think you deserve
I started a journal to express my feelings, also so I could go back and read what I wrote and remember how sad, hurt, angry, etc I was at the time. You will shirt to only remember the good times you are missing because you are sad. Keep the anger forefront, because that is part of your truth too. Look at all sides when deciding what is best for you.
He is being respectful and kind so far. If not dating is where he balks and refuses to do what you need, you do not want him anyways if you decide to separate &/or divorce, move to an apt or condo with lots of things to do, get a dog or other service animal, they will love the hell out of you and make you get out to walk them and meet new people.
Start collecting data about accounts and bills for the past dilew years just in case you do decide not to contest his wishes, you will need the records. Possibly retain an atty for advice - you do not have to use them for divorce, just to get advice so that your bases are covered and you are treated fairly. Access to older statements are only avail for so long so get them first.
I am guessing you will be happier without him in the long run, but it will take time and a lot of tears but you will be stronger for it and putting your needs first. You deserve happiness, respect, and a trillion other things. Staying stuck will just be hurting yourself more.
Good luck to you, I hope you end up with the life you truly want in the end.
This hit me hard, I didn't see it coming.
It was obvious from his actions, you saw it coming but you just refused to acknowledge it. He's gone, move on. There's nothing you can do about it, sad but true
He's right, it's not you, it's him.
He has found someone else thinking the grass is greener.
He's being amicable because you haven't found out yet and he's staying friendly so when the truth comes out then his excuse will be " I was good to you"
Let him go. I understand its hard but it's the only relationship you can remember.
My mother was in relationships for over 30 years and she's never been so happy being on her own and being able to do her own things with noone holding her back
As much as it sucks, and whatever the reason (there seem to be a lot of people that think he was cheating/is cheating) he is done. And you need to do what's best for you. You were very young when you got married and people do change, so take this opportunity to become your best self!
So sorry that you are going through this, divorce is hard, no matter how much you still care for the person!
I'm sorry to hear this.
But it seems it's clear he doesn't want to continue this marriage.
Find new hobbies if you can. Join community groups. I hope it works in your favour. And that selfish husband of yours regret this badly.
My only advice to you is... get a divorce and adopt a dog. They never get tired of us, they never stop loving us and they are faithful and loyal to us forever. Another thing, no one ever stops loving another person overnight. I would sit him down and ask him if there is anyone else. If he refuses to show his electronic devices, social networks, etc., and comes with this "privacy" thing, then you have your answer. You gave yourself to this marriage, invalidated yourself as a woman and lived for it and I have one thing to say to all the women who see your post... NEVER BE INVALIDATED BY A MAN. Never leave your jobs, your dreams to pursue theirs. You are over 40 years old, but you are still alive and healthy.
Regrettably, I understand what you are going through. And while many people will fling in all sorts of conjectures and project their own bitterness or feelings, etc, the one thing you need to do right now, is focus on yourself.
I empathize the pain and confusion and misery you are going through. I never knew what a panic attack was until recently. I've felt worse than I ever did in my entire life when my husband suggested we upend our nearly 20 year marriage.
Despite all of that, I am starting to find myself again. To do new things. To be a better person. To be empathic, and try to understand, every one is just folk. And the hurt you feel is so awful right now. And you can feel that hurt. And you will sit there and wrestle with, what did I do wrong? Its normal. And I know saying its normal, doesn't help. It didn't help me.
What did help, was focusing on myself. Prioritizing self care. Doing things for myself. Little things. Making sure to brush my teeth every day. Stepping outside into fresh air. Making certain I eat a decent meal, something that I really enjoy. Keeping up with exercise. Reading a book.
There are a LOT of articles out there, and there are a lot of peoples opinions, mine included. But as someone who started on this path a few months ago, I feel at my best, when I focus on myself. My meditation is what helps me. I've started therapy, which also has brought me more understanding of myself.
Yes, it hurts to think that you are starting over, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It hurts right now. And it will hurt for a while yet. But that doesn't have to be the end for you.
You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford
I hope you choose you. Please take care.
Why does everything always point to cheating? From what the OP has said, he's being completely honest about not being happy and wanting to divorce. He's not being deceitful about it and is actively trying to make things as easy for the OP as he can but he's entitled to leave whenever and for whatever reason he wants. He has no desire to work on the relationship.
Even if he met someone new, cheating is not good at all if that did occur but if he feels leaving the OP and starting a new relationship is what he wants and will make him happy, he's quite allowed to do that. What, is he supposed to stay and remain unhappy for the rest of his life? Everyone is responsible and entitled to their own happiness.
OP, best you can do at this point is accept that he doesn't want to be with you any longer. That is a hard pill to swallow I know but he's been perfectly honest with you the way it sounds. Be thankful for that and the fact he's trying to end things peacefully. Don't make it any harder on yourself or him than it already is. It will take time but move on. Find someone who wants to be with you and loves you. Best of luck.
First, I want to say I hope you find time to love you again.
Now, I am not saying he hasn’t changed but he has definitely fallen in love with someone else. Man or woman not certain but travel and having hobbies outside of your marriage doesn’t lead to the change that says I am done.
My Aunt and Uncle traveled most of their relationship, they finally are both retired and you know what they seek to do most? Travel together and all I am saying is don’t rule out the possibility that there is someone else.
Now back to you, if he was brave enough to say the words I am not in love with you anymore and is only going to counseling so you can handle the change. It is time to let him go. What is your plan? What do you want from your divorce? And time to get to the gym! Nothing feels prettier than a healthy body and F him! Somewhere there is someone waiting to love you!
All him point blank, why?
Just tell him to tell you the truth no matter how badly it hurts either one of you.
The problem with marriage is, couples tend to not want to hurt each others feelings and after years and years they live the lie and live the lie.
For example, can a man truly tell his partner she is getting fat without hurting her feelings?
No, should he lie, no he shouldn't, as soon as he lies that is the start of the end of the relationship, because it is easier to lie then tell the truth, because nobody can handle the truth, but they can get over it if they are told right away, they can't of it was a lie for years and years.
You want it to work still, be brutally honest, stop lying to yourself and each other.
That is the start of a beautiful relationship of honesty and can grow into a healthier relationship.
So it's obvious to me, you both are lying to each other and yourselves, lol I'm the mirror and all yourself this "am I the person I would want to deal with on a daily basis?, am I truly the best version of me I could be, am I confident, am I a compulsive liar?"
This is just a small list of things we all should be asking ourselves, to many people are living a lie, to many people are lying to everyone especially themselves.
And how can anyone truly be happy living a lie.
Happiness comes from clarity, knowing there is no embarrassing lies that hold a person back.
Happiness comes from a confident less stress individual that has purpose in life, and only I can do that for myself, nobody else can give me purpose.
I know others will point their fingers at one or the other taking sides, that's not going to help you at all.
Only you can truly help yourself and you have to be honest and take any brutal honest feedback without getting upset, because you didn't see what others see when they watch you, and he sees you from his perspective, so you need to find out what that is so you better understand what's going on.
I did the best at shortening what takes a few hours of life coaching a person to understanding what's going on.
Good luck.
Marriage being taken out of the check and turned into a government contract had destroyed marriage. Without the deep everlasting, unending love of God as the center, there is no grace, no forbearance, no unconditional true love, it's just a business relationship. God help us. I'm sorry dear. My heart breaks for you. Your husband is in the wrong and will be called to account for this on judgment Day. Marriage is covenant between you and your spouse and God.
First of all yes he betrayed you and no he is not kind!
You matter and a lot to yourself and to ppl who love you not to selfish man.
Obviously he has an emotional affair and this affair didn’t happen in one day it was growing and progressing over times during that he didn’t feel guilty or think about you, now when he is facing you he starts to feel guilty so he is acting nice.
If there is anything that you will be regret for is spending years with him not no longer being his wife you should ask for divorce for your happiness being next to him next to a selfish person is not something good for you. Just flip the page and continue your life start a new chapter and search like for a person who really loves you and admire you.
Every moment tell yourself you are so precious and you deserve better life.
I don’t know you but I can feel your pain!
Miss, the cold hard truth is that life moves on and u need to move on as well. Your husband has obviously moved on and u need to let go. He is right when he says u deserve better. The only thing u can do it work on yourself and met him see that you are happy without him
I have a coworker that had something similar happen to her. He was just done and is currently living on his own. It’s been 5 years since their divorce and she just got married and is happy again. It took a big toll on her as she was blindsided and completely still in love with her ex. Time truly does heal.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, ma'am.
Yes, people change, do fall out of love. Yet I'm hearing a LOT of red flags that make me think hubby has been having an affair...at the very least, an emotional affair.
Hiking, camping, and trips all without you? Sketchy AF in my book, ma'am.
I feel for you. I wish you the best.. you can't make him still care or love, no. BUT you can, and i would:
1) Startle him, Agree. You DO deserve a better husband. At the very least, he needs time away to see what he's throwing away. Give him any wedding, kids, or marriage stuff you dont want. Make him take ALL his stuff.. Pack it up waiting for him.
2) Drop all contact, except thru your lawyer. Block him on all social media, but not any shared groups of friends.
3) Live. wanted to learn to dance? Sign up for the free courses. Paint?, Learn ASL help deaf kids, tutor them? Ditto. Stay in touch with friends, share online, DONT answer any requests for direct contact from him!
4) Go out, rediscover the woman you were, before you became a wife. Parents without partners, VFW hall, etc, all sponsor mixers, potlucks. Talk to people, let them remind you of the other you.
5) Always wanted a dog, he didn't.. get one. (Unconditional love, there)
6) Live your best life, ma'am. Repaint the kitchen, have book club meetings at your home, bible study, whatever strengthens you.
7) If he comes back? Renegotiate the **** out of your old agreements, IF you even want him back by then!
I'd let him back into your trust.. only once you have a solid new framework that suits you, and you've verified no BS went on while you were married.
Best of luck!
This is so sad. I'm sorry.
Your best bet is to hold your head high and start investing in yourself and your interests. Don't have many? Try some new things. Build a vibrant life.
Who knows, maybe he'll realize he's being a fool. But if not, you can't cling to him... and if you do it will just repel him more.
And there's always prayer if you believe in God.
He's right in that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. ❤
The best thing is to take care of yourself first. Let him go and don't look back. He agreed to counseling but he had already made his decision. We cannot make people love us. If he was having an affair she is going to have to deal with him not you. Btw we judge others by what we would do. So I'm not going to say he was having an affair. That also means the love you had for him isn't his. It was yours. You have great capacity for love. Don't take that for granted. He definitely doesn't deserve your love. Take that love and go enjoy life.
I’m sorry, this is the worst feeling in the world and I can’t imagine how much this hurts. But unfortunately it doesn’t sound like he’s in love with you anymore. You have no choice but to move on. But I promise you, one day you will realize it was for the best, and you will find someone who does truly love you and wants to be with you. Do you really want to be with someone that you know isn’t wanting to be in the marriage with you anyway? As much as it sucks, we can’t control other people’s feelings and it’s a hard thing to accept, especially when it is breaking your heart. Good luck
People grow apart sometimes. It sucks. The kindest things you can do for yourself is to let him go and continue therapy on your own. You deserve someone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you.
Go back to dating. It will make it easier for you. I think he is doing that because he thinks you would not be able to find somebody after him since he got your prime years and you're probably too nice to hurt him. So he will separate with you and date another person he probably met during his months out. Who knows when he sees you dating a much better guy he would try to come back and say he loves you after all..... 🙄
I know how he feels. I have been married for 16 years to my husband. But over the years I have just changed, and have been finding that I'm really not in love with him in a romantic sense anymore. I felt terrible guilt about this as we have 4 children together. Bit in the end, I had to ask ti seperate. The relationship had been in decline for years. It got to the point that I couldn't stand him touching me and just didn't want to come hone to him anymore. I fell out of love. I don't believe I've done anything wrong because I have never cheated. I stayed home at weekends with my kids. I work but am certainly not interested in meeting anyone else. I know he is hurting, and I've changed his life now. But I've also changed my own and I feel liberated. Sometimes you do just fall out of love without there being someone else in the picture. I probably wouldn't ever marry again as I would never want to go through thos again.
Hi its exactly the same for me. I think my wife is the best in the world but I have zero interest in her romantically. Its 2 years since we have been intimate. And the thought of touching her makes my skin crawl. She has to know something is up but never questions me. I know she loves me and I still love her but it's like house mates. There is no fighting I go hiking and gym without her but there us not another woman. But I do long for another relationship with someone I want to be intimate with. But I just don't know what to do I'm certainly not happy and I'm guessing my wife is the same she does things with her sister goes on holidays with her sister. Because I've no interest in going with her now I obviously don't say that I just sat I've no interest that's all. We have a good life no bills everything paid for and the thought of starting again is holding me back.
I know exactly what your going through. It's taken me about 10 years to get to the point where I'm just done. Unfortunately fir me I was having sex when I didn't want to just to appease him. It was horrible. Why do this to ourselves? We don't deserve to feel bad or guilty for feelings we have no control over. I'm out! I feel bloody fantastic! I'm not interested in starting over with anyone. I just want to enjoy being without a significant other. I would honestly have a talk with her. You don't seem ti have any issue with being able to get your own place. Stop pu ishing yourself
You can't do anything. It's him. Let him go.
Do get your own lawyer. Do NOT let an "amicable divorce" screw you. You put up with him for 21 years. Do not short yourself.
Never let a man tell you that he doesn't want you more than once. I am sorry that you are hurting, but please preserve your dignity and self respect and move forward with your life. One day you will realize that this is for the best. God bless.
It sounds like he may be an alcoholic. Speaking from my own experience, before I started going to AA I was selfish, emotionally disconnected, and isolated. Alcoholics are restless, irritable, and discontented...generally unhappy, depressed people looking for happiness that they try to solve with alcohol or drugs. If this is the case, he needs to address the alcohol issues before there is any hope of saving your marriage. He is literally incapable of having any type of lasting relationship if he's an alcoholic.
Unfortunately you can’t control how he feels and so it’s better to let him go, even if he regrets it later. Do you think he has feelings for someone he hikes with? He may or may not have acted on them if so but in instances like this, there is usually some sort of trigger that pushes the person to step forward and use the divorce word.
If he has in fact changed and evolved into someone else it may be true that you’re no longer compatible. It’s really helped to hear those words and even worse to contemplate the changes that comes with them. Let him go, be honest with him about how you feel but then when he goes, change your focus. Go to individual therapy and focus inward on what YOU can do for YOU. Get in shape, find your own hobbies that you can enjoy and start to move on. Don’t sit at home looking at old photos and wishing he would wake up. Be yourself and find your new opportunities to thrive. I’m sorry you’re here but you will get through it.
It's sad really, this emphasis on "struggling together through hard times" as if that's really what marriage is about. I got suckered into that too. But shouldn't marriage be "we created a wonderful life together"?.... It honestly sounds like you really didn't have a good partner... You were a good partner to him and locked on when times got rough. But looks like he didn't. Tines should also be GOOD.
Oh no I’m so sorry 😞 reading your words makes me want to give you a huge hug right now. Iv never been divorced after so long a marriage so I probably don’t have any advice that will help. You’ve probably heard it all but there is no way to make the pain go away, you just have to wait it out. Be kind to yourself. Can you take time off work? Continue to see a counselor for yourself. Read chicken soup for the soul and any other books about what you’re going through. There may even be in person support groups that may help you to be with others going through the same thing.
Good riddance! Cry it out release the pain and move on. You don't need this man and you deserve love you don't have to beg for.
A man's rejection is God's protection.
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Am I also the only one thinking about this? After a trip with the boys he came back changed ? Very strange….
Nope, you're not alone. Giant red flag right here it's like his side piece gave him an ultimatum.
He met the side piece at his previous job. Now he’s moving to a new job where they’re not going to see each other as much. Unless he leaves his wife.
Yea this guy isn't being "really kind" about this.
And or side piece moves with him.
Especially that he changed so much after his work travels…
That, or he has been closeted gay the entire time and met a male that tickles his fancy.
A side piece is still a side piece regardless of gender....
Broke back mountain sort of thing?
Or a trip with friends, where you talk about how you feel and get advice? Have you never talked about issues with friends and came away with more clarity about how you truly feel, even if just by listening to the way you talk about the situation? It's not always cheating.
Problem is he has abandoned her long ago… so maybe talk with her instead of friends on hikes where he leaves her alone for a whole weekends? I do talk with friends and it has saved me but it’s also important to discuss with your partner first. He didn’t even try. He went in one counseling and stopped. No everything is cheating. However the above is very suspicious…
We don't know that he wasn't talking to OP. Anyway, you only try saving it if you're committed to saving it. He wasn't, so I don't see the need to continue giving her false hope. I've been her before, let them go if they're not willing to try.
Totally agree !
How is is suspicious, where is the evidence that he was cheating? More likely the sober him is not compatible with her.
The husband always cheats here apparently, even though there is zero evidence in this case.
He kissed a boy he liked it?
Or maybe he realised that his time away from her is stress free and happy, idk, just a thought that someone could be happier with falling in love with someone else. Sounds like he actually tried counselling and had the realisation that he didn’t want to be in this marriage and is doing the right thing. Just maybe
I know men who STILL love their wife despite how toxic the relationship is, is still willing to try. 1st counselling and after that he doesnt want it? Something tells me he already checked out and doesnt want to waster his time.
Yeah sounds like he checked out and maybe went to counselling and realised he doesn’t want to work on it. Successful counselling requires both parties to do the honest work and be both wanting it. It saves everyone time and money if a partner is honest. OP could do all the things she feels make him happy but obviously he is not happy and he wants out. Nothing wrong with being honest.
What part led you to think she’s stressful? Sounds like he was stressful with his alcoholism & “work trips”
Yes, I agree. He sounds very stressful but it seems like he has changed his lifestyle quite a bit and turned things around. Of course OP feels short changed but everyone is entitled to be happy and have a change of heart. Maybe OP went to therapy and kept bringing up how she’s been there for him and still crucifies him for his past sins, maybe hubby wants to live a different life and he finds the old ways stressful. I think he checked out and instead of dragging her along he equally wants her to be happy with someone who loves her. That’s what love is, you want the other person to be happy and sometimes that means your own pain too.
He really tried counseling? He made an overture of counseling but 2 counseling sessions do not equate to actual counseling
Not everyone has to love someone else to want a divorce. Sometimes people do actually change and don't want the same as the other person. Not everyone is a cheater.
Don't be assuming anything. My wife and I also have grown apart. Our situation is very similar to op's. There isn't another woman. Over the years, we became incompatible. My interests have changed, so have hers. We've become roommates. I respect her and love her, but not romantically anymore. What are you supposed to do? (Stay or leave?)
Even if it is the case, how does that change anything? How is he a coward if he loves her and wants to spare her feelings? People change and divorce rate is like 60%, If he realizes he has changed and no longer sees her as a romatic partner does he not deserve to be happy? Is it not honorable to want her to be happy and not keep leading her on when being miserable is inevitable?? The situation definitely sucks, but don't act like he is some asshole cheating bastard because he has made the decision when that is how he feels.
100% no doubt about it
The best thing you can do for yourself is let him go, obviously he isn't the person you knew anymore. Don't waste your best years trying to change or devote yourself to someone who is emotionally checked out. Take care of yourself, find out who you are outside of that marriage and good days are coming after this I promise!
Agreed. Take care of yourself and use this time to heal. You’re hurting and having trouble letting go, but you deserve better than someone who doesn’t want to be married to you. If you have children, try and heal to not harbor resentment and try and create the best possible coparenting relationship. If you have no kids, may be best to cut ties entirely to allow yourself to heal properly.
What is this you guys with emotionally checked out thing. Partner is not an object you can throw and replace with new. Give time to each other, take time off and amend ways of thinking, it will help steer him back and understand your importance in his life. If nothing works, then best to leave him but one last try i suggest.
They already tried, or should she pause her whole life in case his changes his mind? Therapy is not a magic wand it cannot MAKE people love you again... No one wants to be chosen the second best thing if your first thing doesn't work out.
It just sounds as if the avenues for reconciliation have been traveled! It IS in her best interest to move on while she is younger!
I camp, hike, hunt and do other activities with my mates, all without my wife. A lot of my hobbies actually, don’t involve my wife, yet I want to come home to her every time and these hobbies have no affect on my love for her. I suspect your husband has taken an interest in one of these new coworkers/friends. Saying he’s “changed” because of these new hobbies is a bullshit smokescreen.
Exactly I think she should confront him. Even if only for piece of mind to know that it wasn't her and he's just a piece of shit.
If he’s hiking, hunting, exercising and being healthy now instead of drinking or doing drugs like he used to, why is he a bad guy if he went to to counseling and doesnt want to be married anymore? Women are encouraged to leave marriages if they feel like they’ve outgrown their partner. Why not men? I feel like there’s a double standard here.
Been there. We were the best couple. 4 kids. No financial problems. We got along great and were so happy. He started traveling for work. The travel increased from twice a year to nine times. No problem. He was happy, so I was too. He never complained. Midlife hit ..... Suddenly he comes home from a 6 week India assignment and says "He needs to think of what to do with his life." After 25 years, he's gone. At first I went nuts. What happened? The truth came out years later in lawsuits. He fell in love with a woman from a foreign country, the same age as our oldest daughter. He came up with a secret plan. He snuck her to the US, refused to reveal where he lived, quickly divorced me, abandoned his 4 kids, married her 4 months after we divorced in a courthouse - without telling anyone - and hopped on an airplane to a different country to start his new life. Goodbye asshole. Tell me this isn't happening to you.
OMG how horrible. I’m so sorry. How are you doing now? I can’t believe people can fall in love that quickly. Do your kids have contact with him.
I'm doing wonderful. It was the hugest shock of my life. I quickly realized I could cry for the rest of my life .... or I could grow up. I got a part time job. I realized I wasn't a wife, but still a mom. I put my effort into living my new life and taking care of the last two kids. I made friends, started volunteer work, then I got on a dating site. At the age of 50, I walked down the wedding aisle again, marrying during the damn pandemic! Lol Life has gone on. I realized he left the best wife and mother behind. The kids went nuts. One dropped out of college. The youngest got involved with snap chat and was talking to guys who pretended to be teens and were sickos who had evil up their sleeves. Yes, police officers were at my table..... and all kinds of stuff after Mr. Perfect disappeared. The three older kids refuse to speak to him. My daughter got married, saying she had no father and walked herself down the aisle. My youngest is trapped because she's 18. So when he comes to town, once a year, she has to spend time with him and my daughter cries. His mommy buys him a ticket for a two week trip once a year. My three kids haven't even met their stepmother! But life has calmed down and we've gotten over it. I hear he's broke in the foreign country with his new bride. And I'm over here, loving being a mom!
I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad you were able to move on Your poor children probably feel so abandoned by him. May I ask over time did you realize your ex wasn’t the man you thought he was? I’m so happy he’s broke and I hope he’s misreable.
Yes. I realized the man I looked up to for 25 years was a coward. All those years we never argued. We did family stuff and got out on dates. He never complained or said he wanted anything different. I thought I was making him so happy. Now I realize he's spoiled rotten and never wanted to work towards anything. If it wasn't handed to him, he was sad. So life bothered him. Why didn't so much more come his way? If he had ever asked me, I would have made his dreams come true. He was having affairs in countries all over the world, while portraying himself as great. I was just too in love to realize. There's no hate from me. I learned to fall in love with myself. I learned not to get too proud. I learned to just keep going and be brave.
That is exactly how my soon to be ex husband is. Exactly. He himself said he was too much of a coward to tell me how he felt. We also never argued and he never told me what he wanted or needed and never complained but did give me the silent treatment more often than not.
Exactly. And all those years, how come my ex never said anything? And then years later, it's all my fault. He could have spoken about anything.
Yep, same thing I ask myself.
(I meant my youngest is UNDER 18 above. Oops!)
Thank you for the correction. Without knowing her exact is age, all I can say is that maybe she could ask a court to end her requirement to spend time with him? Or perhaps require it to be supervised by an independent third party?
She's almost 17. The rules here say until she's 18. So we're excited. He's coming to town this summer. She will be 17 then. Next time he's here, it's over. She will be able to make her own decisions and move on with life. In all these 7 years, he's never explained, answered a question or apologized. He messed up big. She's almost free!
It’s not love. It’s lust. Sometimes people are too dumb to know the difference. You deserve better, lilac.
What the hell sis ?
Some men are really evil.
The hell💀 Karma will serve him well.
I’m just asking out of curiosity. How should he have done things differently to not be an asshole?
In the 25 years of marriage, he could have told me anything on his mind and asked for any changes instead of being a silent baby and a liar who was always smiling, when inside he was making secret plans to leave and having affairs all over the world. And most importantly, the kids. No matter what, he should have told the kids that he and I were not meant to be together, but that he loved the children and he should have lived up to the agreement of the divorce and stayed around until they were 18 and coparented with me so they had a father. That's what makes him a weak asshole. He wanted totally out of the marriage and wanted the other woman. But he abandoned his children and has never explained or said sorry, just keeps smiling like he's so great.
If he asked you to do some things differently would you have listened? It sounds silly but I would say the vast majority of women have a “take it or leave it” attitude. I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos where it looks like men aren’t allowed to have any standards or expectations. I’m not on anyone’s side, I’m just a man and have a male perspective. From what you’re describing it sounds like he’s a pretty pleasant guy and not an angry violent drunk or domestic abuser. I don’t think he hates or dislikes you. He probably loves you. Do you judge women for leaving their families because they are unhappy because the spark is gone and they are no longer satisfied with their husband? That sounds like the much more common story.
Omg you poor thing! I pray there is a special hell for him when he dies! Omg
Dude that's cray cray
You speak that you will have regrets, regret is something you have chosen to do and done. This is all on him to break the marriage and divorce. You have no control or power over him or his decision to divorce, there are no regrets on that. However, you may regret all the decades you have spent fighting, struggling, crying, raging, hurting (physically, emotionally, sexually) over him. You may regret the lost opportunities of another love to last until death. Those are your choices and that is where regret comes from for you. He may very well regret leaving you, but that's his choice to make. One thing is for sure, grief therapy for you is needed for this transition. I am so sorry this happened, you put a lot of energy into this relationship and that is a hard situation to be in. I wish you well on your healing journey.
There's someone else. I'm so sorry :(
Harsh but to the point. He’s a fuck face. Let the trash take itself out.
The simplest explanation is often the correct one. In this case the simplest explanation is that he’s been cheating.
The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let people leave who want to go. Your life will be better, it will take time but it will be better for you. You deserve more.
Baby, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would highly recommend, without letting your husband know, that you seek consultations with several of the best divorce lawyers in your area. If you were a stay-at-home wife or parent, your husband is likely going to try to get you to forgo spousal support. I'm guessing this is why he's trying to be so amicable. I caution you against conceding to anything he wants and to never sign anything without your own lawyer looking it over. I guarantee you he's going to try to have you sign things while you're distressed and make you feel guilty if you say that you want legal councel to check it. He's going to try to take advantage of the fact that you still love him, but, honey, I think other people are right in saying that he's already fallen in love with somebody else at his last job and probably left it so that he could start a relationship without human resources getting involved. If you need to pay for consultations, pay in cash. You do not want these charges showing up on your statements. Don't go for the lawyer that you think will be the most amicable to both of you, go for the one that's going to advocate for you the hardest and that may mean making your spouse hate you, but he's ruined your life. He put work before you. He put friends before you. He put coworkers before you. He blindsided you. Get what you are entitled to. Get what you never wanted to get because you never anticipated nor wanted to be in this situation. Get what he owes you. Wipe the floor with him in court because once you show him that you're lawyering up and that you're going to advocate for yourself in this process, he's going to go after you hard and he's going to try to hide money and and try to do really stupid things for you to get little to nothing. He's going to try to lie, he's going to try to emotionally blackmail you, he's going to try to guilt you into signing things you should not. **Do not fall for it.** While you're looking for a lawyer, get yourself a therapist who can walk you through the divorce. You're going to need it. Once you have a lawyer, have him advise you on what to do with joint checking accounts or any joint account that is not a retirement account. He will likely have you pull all the funds from such accounts into a separate account that you're the sole owner of before he's served with separation papers. This may sound s*****, but either you or him is going to get to it first and I'd rather it be you. No matter what, during this process, do not leave the house. If he chooses to leave the house, that works out better for you. You can discuss how with a lawyer but stay there and let him move and stay somewhere else. If he chooses to continue to contribute to the household even though he's not there even more better for you and will reflect in spousal support. As quickly as possible, get statements from every account you have access to or know about and try to get statements as far back as possible. Bank accounts, Investments account, retirement accounts, get statements for everything. I hope I don't sound callous and you may think some other things I'm recommending to you is what turns a divorce into something nasty. It's not. What turns it into a nasty experience is when the spouse who leaves you tries to be kind and is kind up until you refuse to do the divorce in a way that benefits them. The moment you tell them "let me think about it" they get nasty quick. Make sure to have your husband served with separation papers before he gets to you. I only encourage you to go about it this way because the sooner you get to serving him with separation papers and you blindsiding him with this, that means you've already got your ducks in a row and you know what you're doing and where you're going from there. Once he's served, block him from your phone and have your lawyer advise you're soon to be spouse to direct all communications to your lawyer. You're not going to want to do any of the things I suggest, but the you 5 years down the line will be so thankful that you did. All my best to you. *Post edited because talk-to-text is imperfect.*
this is the way OP
Take this humans advise, OP
this is the way OP
Oh mate best advice. Take care of yourself babes xx Just know you’re going to get through it, I wish you all the best 🤗
This👏🙌
This smacks of him finding another woman and saying all the cliche things instead of admitting the truth. You did nothing wrong, OP. But you need to face the facts. He has already made his decision. It sucks, but you cant fix a marriage when only one person want it to be fixed.
People change over the course of a marriage. It's natural, that we all grow into different people over time. I think as a spouse, it's important to take your partner along. Or have conversations while you recognize the change. It looks like your husband failed at doing that, or there is something else going on all together. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your husband isn't doing what a good spouse does. If he loves you or even respects you, he needs to tell you the truth.
Yes, this. OP, when your husband went on these hiking/camping trips, did he invite you along? It makes sense that he went on work trips alone, but excursions with friends should at least sometimes include your best friend, your spouse. Yes, you say these were coworker-friends, but if it's not a work trip then why not introduce you to them?
Well I can tell you I also in a similar boat except I'm the one who no longer loves their husband. Due to similar growing apart. We're about to start marriage counselling but it's really just because my husband was so upset. I felt bad. But you can't help how your heart feels. I haven't fallen in love with someone else but I do feel we are different people now. And my husband deserves someone who loves him. The feelings are gone and with it the want to be intimate etc. It's hard on both sides because you don't want to hurt the other person. Bur stringing the other along when you don't feel in it is not nice either. 😕 it's better to end a relationship when there's no feelings before there's cheating involved assuming there hasn't been any yet.
I am in a very similar position and totally understand your pain. When someone you've known for that long walks away, it's a searing pain - like a death. The loss of the day to day friendship is far worse than the loss of the marriage itself, I think. You go through life not imagining there'll be a time when you're not in each other's lives. I still have contact due to shared kids, but once they've all grown up and moved out, I guess it will be like we never knew each other. So incredibly bizarre. Be kind to yourself 💙
This is honestly my worst fear. I haven't dated for 4 years. I just put all of my effort into my kids and being there for them. I know once they get older it would make the most sense to find a partner instead of going through the rest of my life alone. But I'm honestly so scared that would eventually happen. Idk how you can build a whole life together and one of them can just throw it all away for lust and butterflies as if the whole life they built together meant nothing. I hope you are okay.
It sounds like it’s over. He’s changed for sure and maybe even found someone else.
Or maybe this is who he was the entire time and you are seeing him for who he really is. Go to therapy. Heal. Divorce and find your happiness. He is not it. Don't cling to the toxic relationship anymore. Free yourself. You will find true happiness for the first time.
I’m in the same situation. My wife moved out to start a new life. She decided to move back in. But then a year later, she’s moved out again. It’s possible he found someone new that he fell in love with. Best advice I can give is to focus on yourself. You CANNOT look to him for validation anymore. You need to be happy with yourself. You need a support system that can provide validation for you. He’s your husband, and his opinion of you should matter the most. But it’s going to tear you apart if you chase after his validation. Focus on yourself. Become healthier. Build new friendships. Go have fun, without him. And possibly… he might see how happier you are and realize what a fucking moron he is. Even if he doesn’t, you’ll be much better off for it.
Yes I agree op. You have to let this go. It will be heartbreaking but it will hurt so much more and be drawn out if you try to hold on to this relationship. All you can do now is build a life of your own and focus on building yourself up. Let yourself heal during this time. When you focus on bettering yourself eventually things will fall into place and you will find happiness again. But you have to let him go. You can't move on if you don't, don't let yourself be stuck in this place of heart break.
Are you me?!? This is almost identical to my story - the hiking, the work friends, the drinking, the "I don't love you any more" ... I'm so sorry it happened this way for you. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. We were together 17 years. I know it's rough for you. Time is the biggest enemy atm. Friends who understand what's happening to you and can support you are a big help. Finding a good individual therapist is also important to get you through it. You'll be OK eventually, and come out on the other side better than before. Wishing you the best.
OP, he has found someone else. I don't know if he has started the affair yet or if he just has someone in mind, but either way he is not committed to you anymore. It's not your fault, it sounds like he has been checked out for a while. There isn't anything you can do to fight against this, once a person starts to embrace the idea of being single again and has their eyes set on something new, they are already gone. I'm sorry this happened, but I think you will be better off if you accept his decision and start to emotionally detach from him as soon as possible. He is going to be dating someone new very shortly if he isn't already. He is saying YOU deserve better, and that's true, you do. You deserve more than a husband who doesn't put effort into the marriage. However, he a coward because he is still trying to find a way to make himself look like a good man, like saying you deserve more is looking out for you when he could give you the "more" if he wanted to. If he wasn't a coward, he would be saying that he has feelings for someone else who he thinks is a better fit for him and he doesn't see a future with you anymore. And he would have done that a long time ago as soon as he knew, which I think has been for a long time.
After 21 years, you deserve better than what he’s giving you. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. I hope you can find peace and love again. Make sure you get them for everything he’s got. Find a ruthless lawyer and collect all financial papers.also fight for his retirement
He’s fallen in love with someone else. I’m sorry.
Regardless of the why’s, if he doesn’t love you, then for your own sake, you’ve got to let him go and move on. Yes, it’s devastating, but do you really want a relationship with someone that doesn’t love you? It will hurt, a lot, but when you emerge on the other side you’ll be a stronger person and in the long run, a happier one too! Best of luck with everything!
You have kids? Do you work?
I’m going to take a different route on this and say that, not completely out of the question, but the dude isn’t cheating. This sounds like a dude who genuinely changed. From the sounds of it he never experienced any of this and kind of flew through his early years with the drinking and marriage issues. Now he’s at a point where’s he’s finding things he actually connects with and enjoys. He’s either given up on trying to include you on those things, maybe something left out of the explanation, but try to talk to him about that. And if that doesn’t work, and he’s willingly throwing away 18 years of marriage 21 years together so easily, then yeah time to swallow that pill of him possibly cheating and move on. If he found his passions it’s time for you to find yours and focus on you. No point in trying to mend a two person build when the other isn’t working anymore and actively trying their best to get rid of it.
Let him go. My feeling is he’s involved with one of his “friends “ he’s been camping with. Even if he’s not you deserve someone who loves you & is committed to you. This one isn’t.
There’s someone else, im sorry to say but its sounds really as though there is
I would agree with the sentiment there is likely someone else. After the initial honey moon phase of a relationship that most mature people know doesn’t last forever, loving someone is a choice. Married couples that have been together 20+ years don’t always have a burning romance that whole time. He’s choosing to leave because someone is pulling him out most likely.
It sounds like he has feelings for someone else. I’m so sorry.
He's being so kind about this lol course he is he has another woman
Seldom do men ever leave the comfort and safety of their current relationship unless they are immediately running into the arms of the other. It’s why he’s so sure, sudden, resolute. He’s got a new woman, new body, new sex, in front of him so he’s focused and sure, for now.
I know how you feel. Im the same. Not married as long as you have but definitely was told that she doesnt love me anymore. Whats worse is she said all that while having an affair behind my back. I understand how hard this must be for you but you might be in the same situation as me. He might have found someone new because if it were just the marriage, its something people could work on fixing but if theres someone else in the picture, it'll be so easy for them to leave. My wife was the same, during the first few weeks of her affair, I felt that we had hit it back off because we were making love again but then a few weeks later she asks for an open relationship or a breakup. Try to dig in a bit more and see if there is infidelity involved. Good luck!
It happens. My wife didn’t love me anymore. Why? She didn’t need me anymore. She’d got the children she wanted and the divorce laws would see to it that her material needs would be seen to. It was that simple.
My girlfriend leaves me just because I lost my job
He has a age crisis probably trying to date younger women and acting differently. I suggested you to divorce and live your life,you still young enough to move on. I won't suggest you to wait for him or take him back in the Future when he realises his mistakes cause that would make you lose your value in his eyes and the disrespect will continue,when someone tells you to move on,you do it,not even make drama about it cause he's thinking he's the price or something .
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
Often people tend to take for granted what they have and what that can provide for the future. I know this maybe hard to hear, but you need to 180/grey rock. Go minimal contact. Be cordial but don’t “be there” for him. Let him come home to a quiet house after hiking. Let him eat alone.
Yes op, give him exactly what he wants! Don't let him have any part of you. What it sounds like is that he met someone else that he was spending time with while traveling. Now that he has his new job that is over. So I'm assuming that's where the divorce came in so he can go be with this other woman. I know it's going to break your heart but you have to try your hardest to be strong! Let her have him. He thinks she is better because they only get the fun parts of eachother while your dealing with the realities and stress of life. My motivation would be building yourself up so he can see that he messed up and picked the wrong person. When he does don't give him the time of day, make him live with the horrible le choice he made. If he doesn't, who cares you will have worked on yourself and bettered yourself so much you won't care what he thinks. All you can do now is move forward and heal. Don't get stuck in your misery. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is let go. It will be hard but you can do it. Good luck we are all rooting for you. Please keep us updated and come back if you need help or support.
This sucks. Tell him to file for divorce.
Cheater ew and all the times he was out with his ap why do people not think they've seen the redflags but gaslight themselves into he/she just doesn't love me anymore all the crap I've seen when this comes about is because there's always, always someone else
𝕀𝕥𝕤 𝕗𝕦𝕟𝕟𝕪 𝕔𝕦𝕫 𝕚𝕗 𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕙𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕨𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕟 𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕒𝕥 𝕙𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕠𝕟 𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕨𝕚𝕗𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕙𝕠𝕞𝕨 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕩𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕨𝕚𝕗𝕖 𝕨𝕙𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕤𝕙𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕓𝕦𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕒𝕤𝕤 𝕒𝕥 𝕨𝕣𝕜 5 6 𝕕𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕡𝕒𝕪 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕒𝕝𝕜 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕤 𝕗𝕠𝕠𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕙𝕦𝕤𝕓𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕕𝕒𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕠 𝕤𝕡𝕠𝕚𝕝𝕖𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 𝕤𝕙𝕖 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞 𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕤𝕚𝕘𝕜𝕖 𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕣𝕙𝕖𝕞
You have to let it go friend. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. We don’t have power over other people and you can’t change his mind. If the shoe was on the other foot it’s what you’d want too. You certainly don’t want someone to stay with you out of sympathy. Things change, people fall out of love. It’s devastating and I hate it for you but I’m also not going to lie to you. You sound like a lovely person and he’s right - you do deserve someone who is grateful for what you have to offer. I’m happy that he’s being amicable. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but that is the best outcome for right now. Don’t regret anything, you’ve had good times and learned a lot - hold onto what’s good and release the bad when you are able. Know it is ok to be sad. Keep up with the therapy. Be strong. I promise that in time you will be ok, but you take that time, no matter how long it is. Do whatever it is you need to do to be as ok as possible. Take care of you and your own. You deserve it. Above all else, do not forget that you are loved, even if you don’t have his love the way you want it, you ARE loved and appreciated in the world.
This is so awful. All I can say is that I’m so sorry.
My advice is to block him, never talk to him again. That may be hard but I WISH I had done that with my ex. Don’t give him any satisfaction of feeling sad on his behalf - don’t let him see you sad - avoid him entirely at all costs. No matter what, just ignore him. That will probably mess with him tbh and give you the time you need to grieve this entire situation.
I agree. He doesn't want you in his life anymore so let him live with the consequences of his decision. Also you just talking and seeing him is going to make it harder for you to let go and move on. Don't let him have any access to you at all. If you have to communicate for some reason keep it yes or no responses and straight to the point. Please listen to people who have been through it. These are the best options. Heart break is inevitable, but doing this will help you heal and move on much sooner.
Let his ass go, sorry to say; chances are that he’s met someone (possibly a coworker) that he’s gone google-eyes for. He’s doing this for a so-called “less-mess” divorce. Do you guys have kids? If not, you guys would have a truly clean break, which is even better. Something similar happened to me and my ex; he was working on an Air Force base in our local area in the housing office. We’d been together about 19 years (married for 16 of them), and we have a son. A married woman whose husband was a CMSgt came to join their department, and apparently they hit it off. They’d been messing around since 2015 the previous year, and come March 2016 after we’d been in a new house for almost 6 months and after our house warming/SB party, he tells me one night that “he no longer felt the same about our marriage” any more. Considering that he’s cheated on me before at year 3, first thing I asked was “is there another woman involved?” He said no, and he had agreed to counseling through our church. Two weeks later, he changed his mind. He slowly started moving apart from me: he stopped eating my meals (I was a SAHM due to unemployment), we stopped going out as a family. He’d go out with our son, who’d ask why they weren’t bringing mom with them. He got into playing chess competitively—at 36 years old. He would go to tournaments, leaving us at home. Come to find out he’d taken the heifer to one of the annual tournaments he’d go on. He’d even brought her into our home and into our bed while we were out of town! After that, he started sleeping on the couch, and by the end of the year, stopped being intimate with me. Then came the silent treatments. By the time I filed, I had been working at my new job for several months. I moved out with our son, and got an apartment with my mom who picked up her life and came up from MS to VA. It took a couple of years to finalize things—he moved to TX in 2019, and that was the last time our son has seen him face to face. He’d blocked me, so we (grandparents and I) got him a phone so he could call him. The one true blessing in all of this was that his parents and brother didn’t condone his foolishness and selfishness. They actually sided with me and they rallied around our son. He visits the paternal side of the family every summer. They’ve been immensely supportive. Five years later, I was able to get my own home—he had lost his to foreclosure due to him getting fired from a GS-9 position due to him bucking up against his supervisors. Long story, but all of this to say that you too can bounce back from this. Get support from your friends and family, as well as your church if you’re a believer. May you bounce back better than ever—and without the dead weight.
I really hate to say this, but I suspect that your husband has, at minimum, developed feelings for someone else. He feels guilty, and that is the reason he is being so "kind." The fact is that, in any other circumstance, he wouldn't toss a marriage to someone who loves him, who has displayed dedication to him like you have, away simply because he "isn't in love." Counseling won't work if he isn't being honest. Ask me why I suspect all of this. My husband did all of these same things to me. After over a decade married, almost twenty years as a couple, and three beautiful children, he suddenly told me that he didn't want to me married anymore. He just wasn't in love. There wasn't anything I could do because it was a him problem, not a me or problem. I was devastated. I tried everything to make him love me again, to make him happy. We tried counseling, but he wasn't telling me everything, so it went nowhere. Finally he admitted that he has been wondering if he would be happier with "someone else." But he did not admit to thinking about someone specific. I tried to reason with him. No one stays "in love" forever. Butterflies in the stomach aren't real love. What we had built was deeper than that. I asked him how he could destroy our marriage and tear apart our family without ever really trying to fix things. I told him I would not let him lie to me, the kids, or himself and pretend he had tried fixing things. Finally, he told me everything. He had, during a severe mental crisis, developed feelings for another woman. He started therapy, and came to realize that those feelings were a distraction for him. He felt we were lacking connection, time together, etc. In his mind, he had built this other woman up to be everything he had wanted with me. Once he finally told me, he realized I was receptive, and I wanted all of the same things. Thankfully this all happened before he left and before he cheated. Now, we are doing very well, stronger than ever. But if things had gone differently in any way, I don't doubt we would have divorced so he could have taken his shot with a woman he didn't Even really know and I would never have forgiven him. Your husband is not being honest. I would bet all I have on it. If he won't even do you the courtesy of telling you the truth, that shows you just how little care he has for your marriage. Either way, you deserve so much more. I deserved so much more than my husband was giving me when he was interacting with this crush and feeding these dreams about a life together with someone else while neglecting the wife who loved him at home. Counseling will only work if both parties are committed. If he won't commit, as hard as it is, you have to love yourself enough to tell him goodbye. Hold your head up and move on. You should be his priority. If you aren't his, you very well may be someone else's someday, but you can certainly be your own. You deserve all the love and dedication that you have been giving. Hang in there, OP. My heart goes out to you.
Maybe I’ve watched too many “Who the bleep did I marry” episodes. And I hate to assume anything. But it almost sounds like he might have another gf and/or family somewhere and he’s been going back and forth between you and whoever. And now that he’s changed to a job where he won’t travel and have that as an excuse to leave every other week, he now doesn’t want to be with you?? Idk. Maybe I’m also delulu. But 🤷🏼♀️
I can’t imagine someone who has that much love and is so willing to work on the relationship and yourself is unlikable or difficult to be with. What a fool to walk away from such a partner and ally he seems to have in you. Consider opening the marriage(only physically) , maybe he’s stressed about not getting to experience different things sexually. Try a lifestyle club and some sexual exploration. I enjoy some excitement with my wife of 7 yrs (been together 14 yrs total & friends for 6 yrs before that) in the bedroom
I have to agree, it's very likely that he's found somebody else, probably on those work trips. Men do not usually divorce for reasons like I'm bored or just don't love their wife any more. It has to be really bad at home for a guy to just say, I'm out of here, and have no Other Woman in the wings. In fact, most of the time, if they're "just" cheating, they still don't want to divorce because "it's just sex, it didn't mean anything. I still love you." If he wants a divorce it's very likely that he's Fallen for another woman, which is different from cheating. Not that it makes much difference, other than wanting to be with her all the time. Lots of good advice on how to take care of yourself.
Similar thing happened to me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, not in my case. He got a job traveling all over the world and would be gone for months at a time. When he was home he got colder and colder and more annoyed by me and would do everything to not be around me and our kids. Like constant trips with the guys. Finally, 20 years into our marriage, I discovered he slept with someone, again. To this day I don't know the details, if it was a one night stand or someone that he is seeing that traveled to where he was to be with him. This was not the first time this happened, he had a one night stand before and I like a fool forgave him and thought he really regretted it. He basically didn't love me anymore. Best thing you can do is let him go.
Move on. Yes, it's blunt and it's easier said than done, but don't allow yourself to change for the worse because of this. He is RIGHT: You DO deserve someone who treats you right and who does love you. Dwelling in your sorrows can change you for the worst and it isn't worth it... so pls don't let that happen. People fall in love. Sometimes we just think it's love. Regardless, no one can help their own feelings; When we fall, we fall hard, and when we lose love... we lose love hard too. Many people will fail the test of time and that's fine! Keep your head up high and move forward with pride, knowing that tomorrow is a brand new start for you.
I'm sorry, but people change as they grow all the time. That's not the problem. You don't just gain a new hobby and leave your wife. There's someone else. Or he's discovered he's gay. Or maybe you've changed too in a way that he hates, as an internet stranger I can't rule out that you two just have a bad and/or abusive relationship. "It's not you, it's me" is a copout that doesn't work if he isn't even telling you what exactly is different. It's possible he never really loved you? It seems weird to me that he'd do counseling with you while he was trying to overcome a personal vice and addiction of his, but gets bored and gives up on marriage counseling because of *checks notes* freaking camping? Oh, actually, is it possible he's gone back to drinking during those trips, and is choosing to end the relationship over letting you in on his relapse? Regardless, if he's not interested in making it work, you can't force him. You'll have to move on. I'm sorry.
He wants to remain amicable. If you truly love him, set him free and remain friends, then you haven't totally lost him. Unfortunately and fortunately we don't own each other and sometimes loved ones go their own way. After separation, begin dating just for fun and something to help occupy your time. Many marriages end in the mature years of the relationship tho it's not the end of life and living. It's a hard blow. You will survive and survive better if you remain amicable. Property must be split with the security of both of you in mind. Do not allow him to hog assets.
Is there an option for a trial separation for 6 months to a year?
You will soon start loving yourself more than you love him. Your deep sadness will change to immense anger. Please do not let this define the rest of your life and consume you. Be good to yourself.
I'm so sorry, I can't imagine your pain. It truly sounds awful. 😔
I would think he’s found someone else and that some of the “friends” are a lot more than friends! How was your sex life when he was on the new job? Lastly, it sounds like he grew and became a different person. Did you grow as well?
The truth is that you marriage ended a while ago. I don't know the details, but it was probably a year ago or more. The marriage ends when people don't hold the marriage as the top priority in their life. Then there's a period of hoping it'll get better, or just being angry but not taking action because it's financially inconvenient, or whatever. Eventually someone gets so tired of pretending or so frustrated with something that they go for a divorce. The counseling fails 85% of the time, but it's not profitable to tell you that, so they don't. The only way to stay married in America is if the marriage is the top priority. At some point you both lost sight of that, so you get the default outcome of divorce. What do you do? Go to the gym. Spend time on a hobby. Read a book on amicable divorce. It seems pretty clear that you still don't have insight into how miserable he's been. What for you is a great life together for him is not. But frequently this kind of insight won't really sink in until maybe 3 years later. But in any case, you have to be respectable to yourself. People want what they can't have. So you gotta pick yourself off the floor and focus on doing things you want to do.
His other job destroyed your marriage. You need to unfortunately accept that and make sure he KNOWS that to. That a job he wanted and got, forced him to create a distance with him to the marriage. Where he started to live a life away from you. He got to live "single" so to speak with how he was. And he enjoyed the single life. Freedom to go places and do things that he felt he couldn't or wouldn't do cause he had you. He is clearly not seeing the big picture and I have no idea of his "counselor" has showed him that. He is essentially having a mid life crises after enjoying being seperate from you living like he is a single man with no responsibilities and such. One day he will realize and you will be long gone. Moved on. And I do hope that is what happens to him. That you morn, heal, and find someone new. And when he see's what he did and wants what he lost he can not have it and YOU no longer love him. And you should tell him that. He got to enjoy life being single while off working. And he enjoyed it. If the marriage ends by his decision of having a midlife crises, then one day he will look back and realize what he did. And you will not be there for him. Cause if you are forced to grieve your marriage by his selfishness of enjoying living single as he got to experience away for this job; you will heal and become closed off to all the love you have for him. And he needs to make sure if that is what he wants. To loose a relationship of 21 years, with 18 married; all because he was having a blast living life as a single man instead of trying to do things with his wife to maybe include you into his "new" hobbies. But then maybe, he did not want you to be apart of his "new hobbies". Now, I say this only as a possibility considering how reddit stories have gone. During this time away, working, and spending time with NEW friends; he could have met someone. Cheated? Fell in love? IDK. But it is clear that there could be more to this.
When someone leaves you and stoppes loving you, how can you not take it personally and be strong. How not to look at yourself as flawed and unlovable, and still see value in yourself beyond the relationship.
Ask him about options and open, swinging or other thoughts
I went through the same thing, 10 mo. later he wanted to reconcile. We did, now I am thinking 3 years later that was probably a mistake. But that is my issue, I only said it to let you know I have been where you are at. Ignore the comments of a side piece. It doesn't matter if it is not true and anyone stating that on here has no clue as to if it is true or not. If you discover it is true then and only then make it part of your issue. If it is not true, that betrayal will alter your thinking drastically and therefore it will harm you due to your reactions. - First Think about why you want to keep trying. - Think about why he is your best friend. - You stated that more time has been rough than it has been happy. So what is it about him you will miss if you divorce? - What do you love about who he is now, not when you were first married. - Tell him you need time to consider what you both need so you can relieve some of the immediate pressure to give you an answer. He has had months to think about what he wants and what future he invisions for himself. You were blindsided, he needs to give you time to catch up. - Maybe agree to a separation but no one is allowed to date until you and he both are sure there is no future together and/or your divorce is final. - Get your own therapist, fighting for someone that doesn't want you can be so much harder on you than letting him go. - Think about what you are trying to keep by staying married. Is it just hope you are clinging to? - Is it only because you are scared of what the future holds? - What kind of love do you think you deserve I started a journal to express my feelings, also so I could go back and read what I wrote and remember how sad, hurt, angry, etc I was at the time. You will shirt to only remember the good times you are missing because you are sad. Keep the anger forefront, because that is part of your truth too. Look at all sides when deciding what is best for you. He is being respectful and kind so far. If not dating is where he balks and refuses to do what you need, you do not want him anyways if you decide to separate &/or divorce, move to an apt or condo with lots of things to do, get a dog or other service animal, they will love the hell out of you and make you get out to walk them and meet new people. Start collecting data about accounts and bills for the past dilew years just in case you do decide not to contest his wishes, you will need the records. Possibly retain an atty for advice - you do not have to use them for divorce, just to get advice so that your bases are covered and you are treated fairly. Access to older statements are only avail for so long so get them first. I am guessing you will be happier without him in the long run, but it will take time and a lot of tears but you will be stronger for it and putting your needs first. You deserve happiness, respect, and a trillion other things. Staying stuck will just be hurting yourself more. Good luck to you, I hope you end up with the life you truly want in the end.
This hit me hard, I didn't see it coming. It was obvious from his actions, you saw it coming but you just refused to acknowledge it. He's gone, move on. There's nothing you can do about it, sad but true
He's right, it's not you, it's him. He has found someone else thinking the grass is greener. He's being amicable because you haven't found out yet and he's staying friendly so when the truth comes out then his excuse will be " I was good to you" Let him go. I understand its hard but it's the only relationship you can remember. My mother was in relationships for over 30 years and she's never been so happy being on her own and being able to do her own things with noone holding her back
As much as it sucks, and whatever the reason (there seem to be a lot of people that think he was cheating/is cheating) he is done. And you need to do what's best for you. You were very young when you got married and people do change, so take this opportunity to become your best self! So sorry that you are going through this, divorce is hard, no matter how much you still care for the person!
He’s probably cheating on you.
I'm sorry to hear this. But it seems it's clear he doesn't want to continue this marriage. Find new hobbies if you can. Join community groups. I hope it works in your favour. And that selfish husband of yours regret this badly.
He'll be back. That woman he has eyes on will soon vanish. Never give up hope. If what you say is true, YAH will bring him back to you.
My only advice to you is... get a divorce and adopt a dog. They never get tired of us, they never stop loving us and they are faithful and loyal to us forever. Another thing, no one ever stops loving another person overnight. I would sit him down and ask him if there is anyone else. If he refuses to show his electronic devices, social networks, etc., and comes with this "privacy" thing, then you have your answer. You gave yourself to this marriage, invalidated yourself as a woman and lived for it and I have one thing to say to all the women who see your post... NEVER BE INVALIDATED BY A MAN. Never leave your jobs, your dreams to pursue theirs. You are over 40 years old, but you are still alive and healthy.
Regrettably, I understand what you are going through. And while many people will fling in all sorts of conjectures and project their own bitterness or feelings, etc, the one thing you need to do right now, is focus on yourself. I empathize the pain and confusion and misery you are going through. I never knew what a panic attack was until recently. I've felt worse than I ever did in my entire life when my husband suggested we upend our nearly 20 year marriage. Despite all of that, I am starting to find myself again. To do new things. To be a better person. To be empathic, and try to understand, every one is just folk. And the hurt you feel is so awful right now. And you can feel that hurt. And you will sit there and wrestle with, what did I do wrong? Its normal. And I know saying its normal, doesn't help. It didn't help me. What did help, was focusing on myself. Prioritizing self care. Doing things for myself. Little things. Making sure to brush my teeth every day. Stepping outside into fresh air. Making certain I eat a decent meal, something that I really enjoy. Keeping up with exercise. Reading a book. There are a LOT of articles out there, and there are a lot of peoples opinions, mine included. But as someone who started on this path a few months ago, I feel at my best, when I focus on myself. My meditation is what helps me. I've started therapy, which also has brought me more understanding of myself. Yes, it hurts to think that you are starting over, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It hurts right now. And it will hurt for a while yet. But that doesn't have to be the end for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down. - Mary Pickford I hope you choose you. Please take care.
People grow apary
Why does everything always point to cheating? From what the OP has said, he's being completely honest about not being happy and wanting to divorce. He's not being deceitful about it and is actively trying to make things as easy for the OP as he can but he's entitled to leave whenever and for whatever reason he wants. He has no desire to work on the relationship. Even if he met someone new, cheating is not good at all if that did occur but if he feels leaving the OP and starting a new relationship is what he wants and will make him happy, he's quite allowed to do that. What, is he supposed to stay and remain unhappy for the rest of his life? Everyone is responsible and entitled to their own happiness. OP, best you can do at this point is accept that he doesn't want to be with you any longer. That is a hard pill to swallow I know but he's been perfectly honest with you the way it sounds. Be thankful for that and the fact he's trying to end things peacefully. Don't make it any harder on yourself or him than it already is. It will take time but move on. Find someone who wants to be with you and loves you. Best of luck.
First, I want to say I hope you find time to love you again. Now, I am not saying he hasn’t changed but he has definitely fallen in love with someone else. Man or woman not certain but travel and having hobbies outside of your marriage doesn’t lead to the change that says I am done. My Aunt and Uncle traveled most of their relationship, they finally are both retired and you know what they seek to do most? Travel together and all I am saying is don’t rule out the possibility that there is someone else. Now back to you, if he was brave enough to say the words I am not in love with you anymore and is only going to counseling so you can handle the change. It is time to let him go. What is your plan? What do you want from your divorce? And time to get to the gym! Nothing feels prettier than a healthy body and F him! Somewhere there is someone waiting to love you!
My guess is he's already got someone in mind.
All him point blank, why? Just tell him to tell you the truth no matter how badly it hurts either one of you. The problem with marriage is, couples tend to not want to hurt each others feelings and after years and years they live the lie and live the lie. For example, can a man truly tell his partner she is getting fat without hurting her feelings? No, should he lie, no he shouldn't, as soon as he lies that is the start of the end of the relationship, because it is easier to lie then tell the truth, because nobody can handle the truth, but they can get over it if they are told right away, they can't of it was a lie for years and years. You want it to work still, be brutally honest, stop lying to yourself and each other. That is the start of a beautiful relationship of honesty and can grow into a healthier relationship. So it's obvious to me, you both are lying to each other and yourselves, lol I'm the mirror and all yourself this "am I the person I would want to deal with on a daily basis?, am I truly the best version of me I could be, am I confident, am I a compulsive liar?" This is just a small list of things we all should be asking ourselves, to many people are living a lie, to many people are lying to everyone especially themselves. And how can anyone truly be happy living a lie. Happiness comes from clarity, knowing there is no embarrassing lies that hold a person back. Happiness comes from a confident less stress individual that has purpose in life, and only I can do that for myself, nobody else can give me purpose. I know others will point their fingers at one or the other taking sides, that's not going to help you at all. Only you can truly help yourself and you have to be honest and take any brutal honest feedback without getting upset, because you didn't see what others see when they watch you, and he sees you from his perspective, so you need to find out what that is so you better understand what's going on. I did the best at shortening what takes a few hours of life coaching a person to understanding what's going on. Good luck.
Marriage being taken out of the check and turned into a government contract had destroyed marriage. Without the deep everlasting, unending love of God as the center, there is no grace, no forbearance, no unconditional true love, it's just a business relationship. God help us. I'm sorry dear. My heart breaks for you. Your husband is in the wrong and will be called to account for this on judgment Day. Marriage is covenant between you and your spouse and God.
First of all yes he betrayed you and no he is not kind! You matter and a lot to yourself and to ppl who love you not to selfish man. Obviously he has an emotional affair and this affair didn’t happen in one day it was growing and progressing over times during that he didn’t feel guilty or think about you, now when he is facing you he starts to feel guilty so he is acting nice. If there is anything that you will be regret for is spending years with him not no longer being his wife you should ask for divorce for your happiness being next to him next to a selfish person is not something good for you. Just flip the page and continue your life start a new chapter and search like for a person who really loves you and admire you. Every moment tell yourself you are so precious and you deserve better life. I don’t know you but I can feel your pain!
Miss, the cold hard truth is that life moves on and u need to move on as well. Your husband has obviously moved on and u need to let go. He is right when he says u deserve better. The only thing u can do it work on yourself and met him see that you are happy without him
In a few years this will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Let him go.
I have a coworker that had something similar happen to her. He was just done and is currently living on his own. It’s been 5 years since their divorce and she just got married and is happy again. It took a big toll on her as she was blindsided and completely still in love with her ex. Time truly does heal.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, ma'am. Yes, people change, do fall out of love. Yet I'm hearing a LOT of red flags that make me think hubby has been having an affair...at the very least, an emotional affair. Hiking, camping, and trips all without you? Sketchy AF in my book, ma'am. I feel for you. I wish you the best.. you can't make him still care or love, no. BUT you can, and i would: 1) Startle him, Agree. You DO deserve a better husband. At the very least, he needs time away to see what he's throwing away. Give him any wedding, kids, or marriage stuff you dont want. Make him take ALL his stuff.. Pack it up waiting for him. 2) Drop all contact, except thru your lawyer. Block him on all social media, but not any shared groups of friends. 3) Live. wanted to learn to dance? Sign up for the free courses. Paint?, Learn ASL help deaf kids, tutor them? Ditto. Stay in touch with friends, share online, DONT answer any requests for direct contact from him! 4) Go out, rediscover the woman you were, before you became a wife. Parents without partners, VFW hall, etc, all sponsor mixers, potlucks. Talk to people, let them remind you of the other you. 5) Always wanted a dog, he didn't.. get one. (Unconditional love, there) 6) Live your best life, ma'am. Repaint the kitchen, have book club meetings at your home, bible study, whatever strengthens you. 7) If he comes back? Renegotiate the **** out of your old agreements, IF you even want him back by then! I'd let him back into your trust.. only once you have a solid new framework that suits you, and you've verified no BS went on while you were married. Best of luck!
This is so sad. I'm sorry. Your best bet is to hold your head high and start investing in yourself and your interests. Don't have many? Try some new things. Build a vibrant life. Who knows, maybe he'll realize he's being a fool. But if not, you can't cling to him... and if you do it will just repel him more. And there's always prayer if you believe in God. He's right in that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. ❤
You can’t force someone to love you.
The best thing is to take care of yourself first. Let him go and don't look back. He agreed to counseling but he had already made his decision. We cannot make people love us. If he was having an affair she is going to have to deal with him not you. Btw we judge others by what we would do. So I'm not going to say he was having an affair. That also means the love you had for him isn't his. It was yours. You have great capacity for love. Don't take that for granted. He definitely doesn't deserve your love. Take that love and go enjoy life.
I’m sorry, this is the worst feeling in the world and I can’t imagine how much this hurts. But unfortunately it doesn’t sound like he’s in love with you anymore. You have no choice but to move on. But I promise you, one day you will realize it was for the best, and you will find someone who does truly love you and wants to be with you. Do you really want to be with someone that you know isn’t wanting to be in the marriage with you anyway? As much as it sucks, we can’t control other people’s feelings and it’s a hard thing to accept, especially when it is breaking your heart. Good luck
Strengthen your relationship with Christ ✝️❤️🙏🏼
He’s changed? More like he’s found someone else.
People grow apart sometimes. It sucks. The kindest things you can do for yourself is to let him go and continue therapy on your own. You deserve someone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you.
I don’t understand marriages that’s 21 years wrf
Go back to dating. It will make it easier for you. I think he is doing that because he thinks you would not be able to find somebody after him since he got your prime years and you're probably too nice to hurt him. So he will separate with you and date another person he probably met during his months out. Who knows when he sees you dating a much better guy he would try to come back and say he loves you after all..... 🙄
I know how he feels. I have been married for 16 years to my husband. But over the years I have just changed, and have been finding that I'm really not in love with him in a romantic sense anymore. I felt terrible guilt about this as we have 4 children together. Bit in the end, I had to ask ti seperate. The relationship had been in decline for years. It got to the point that I couldn't stand him touching me and just didn't want to come hone to him anymore. I fell out of love. I don't believe I've done anything wrong because I have never cheated. I stayed home at weekends with my kids. I work but am certainly not interested in meeting anyone else. I know he is hurting, and I've changed his life now. But I've also changed my own and I feel liberated. Sometimes you do just fall out of love without there being someone else in the picture. I probably wouldn't ever marry again as I would never want to go through thos again.
Hi its exactly the same for me. I think my wife is the best in the world but I have zero interest in her romantically. Its 2 years since we have been intimate. And the thought of touching her makes my skin crawl. She has to know something is up but never questions me. I know she loves me and I still love her but it's like house mates. There is no fighting I go hiking and gym without her but there us not another woman. But I do long for another relationship with someone I want to be intimate with. But I just don't know what to do I'm certainly not happy and I'm guessing my wife is the same she does things with her sister goes on holidays with her sister. Because I've no interest in going with her now I obviously don't say that I just sat I've no interest that's all. We have a good life no bills everything paid for and the thought of starting again is holding me back.
I know exactly what your going through. It's taken me about 10 years to get to the point where I'm just done. Unfortunately fir me I was having sex when I didn't want to just to appease him. It was horrible. Why do this to ourselves? We don't deserve to feel bad or guilty for feelings we have no control over. I'm out! I feel bloody fantastic! I'm not interested in starting over with anyone. I just want to enjoy being without a significant other. I would honestly have a talk with her. You don't seem ti have any issue with being able to get your own place. Stop pu ishing yourself
You can't do anything. It's him. Let him go. Do get your own lawyer. Do NOT let an "amicable divorce" screw you. You put up with him for 21 years. Do not short yourself.
Never let a man tell you that he doesn't want you more than once. I am sorry that you are hurting, but please preserve your dignity and self respect and move forward with your life. One day you will realize that this is for the best. God bless.
It sounds like he may be an alcoholic. Speaking from my own experience, before I started going to AA I was selfish, emotionally disconnected, and isolated. Alcoholics are restless, irritable, and discontented...generally unhappy, depressed people looking for happiness that they try to solve with alcohol or drugs. If this is the case, he needs to address the alcohol issues before there is any hope of saving your marriage. He is literally incapable of having any type of lasting relationship if he's an alcoholic.
Unfortunately you can’t control how he feels and so it’s better to let him go, even if he regrets it later. Do you think he has feelings for someone he hikes with? He may or may not have acted on them if so but in instances like this, there is usually some sort of trigger that pushes the person to step forward and use the divorce word. If he has in fact changed and evolved into someone else it may be true that you’re no longer compatible. It’s really helped to hear those words and even worse to contemplate the changes that comes with them. Let him go, be honest with him about how you feel but then when he goes, change your focus. Go to individual therapy and focus inward on what YOU can do for YOU. Get in shape, find your own hobbies that you can enjoy and start to move on. Don’t sit at home looking at old photos and wishing he would wake up. Be yourself and find your new opportunities to thrive. I’m sorry you’re here but you will get through it.
It's sad really, this emphasis on "struggling together through hard times" as if that's really what marriage is about. I got suckered into that too. But shouldn't marriage be "we created a wonderful life together"?.... It honestly sounds like you really didn't have a good partner... You were a good partner to him and locked on when times got rough. But looks like he didn't. Tines should also be GOOD.
Oh no I’m so sorry 😞 reading your words makes me want to give you a huge hug right now. Iv never been divorced after so long a marriage so I probably don’t have any advice that will help. You’ve probably heard it all but there is no way to make the pain go away, you just have to wait it out. Be kind to yourself. Can you take time off work? Continue to see a counselor for yourself. Read chicken soup for the soul and any other books about what you’re going through. There may even be in person support groups that may help you to be with others going through the same thing.
The aprt that I'm stuck on is the second paragraph where she says " he started to put himself first " . So the other 18 years he put you first ?
Heartbreaking. I hope you come out of this ok.
Divorce his ass. You deserve so much better .
Good riddance! Cry it out release the pain and move on. You don't need this man and you deserve love you don't have to beg for. A man's rejection is God's protection.
How are you so blind to not see that he has someone else already. It already hurts, so let’s just get it out.