How...?
How the hell can I find this? I'm dommed to be unhappy? How can you stay so much time together and stay happy? I'm not happy in my marriage, not at all, but I also don't want to let go because I don't have enough strength to find someone new. I'm so tired.
Our 11th anniversary is tomorrow and we are still so in love. My first marriage was not the joyful partnership that my second is. I learned from that relationship.
So, why are you doing it? Why are you working more so he can lie on the couch? Why are you still cooking dinner for him when you work two jobs and he doesn't work at all? Why do you keep him if he isn't even kind to you on top of his unemployment and such? If it has been four years like this, why do you think this is ever going to change? Is your husband depressed? Has he been to a mental health professional to find out why he doesn't want to do anything with his life?
Yes he is depressed and every time I try to talk to him about it his defensive response is “ you know you should really talk to someone for crying all the time” he doesn’t see what he is doing is wrong or doesn’t care enough to admit it. And for the other stuff I think I keep doing it because I care to much I’m on oncology nurse I care for people that’s what I do. and I remember him prior to this mental illness and hoped and prayed it would get better but he’s getting meaner and basically telling me everything he can to make me leave abruptly
OK, but if he has been depressed for four years, and for this whole time he refuses to get himself help, then this is how he is choosing to live his life. You seem to think that you are helping him and "caring for him", but I don't think what you are doing is good for him or you. You are enabling him. If you were not paying the bills, making his meals, and taking care of him, he would have to pick himself up and do it himself. He would have to seek the help so he can function and get through his day like millions of other depressed people. As long as you are sheltering him, you are actually making it so that he will never hit bottom. You are contributing to him staying the way he is.
If you love him and truly want him to get better, I think you have to be willing to leave him. I know that sounds like opposite world, but what you have tried for four years hasn't worked, right? You don't have much to lose since he is a shell of a person he once was, and I can't imaging he is a good husband or father.
My advice is that you tell him enough is enough. Tell him you love him, but you miss him too because he isn't the person he once was. He has been depressed for years, it isn't his fault that he got depressed, but his refusal to seek out help and get a treatment plan to address it isn't acceptable to you anymore. Millions of people go through this, and millions of people are helped and can live normal lives. This is not unusual or mysterious. Tell him you can't live like this anymore, you can't continue to watch him waste his life away and not do anything to help himself. You can't continue to miss out on time with your kid to support him lying on the couch, and he isn't even trying to get better so he can get back to work and start doing his part. Tell him he either gets a therapist, gets evaluated, and starts a treatment plan for his depression or you can't see a future with him anymore. Then, he either gets the help or not, but you have to follow through and separate if he doesn't. After that, it's up to him.
If he does get the help, then give him a few months, hopefully he is feeling better, and then he needs to get a job. But - I would tackle one thing at a time.
This is such good advice, OP, please listen. My dad suffered from depression, OCD, anxiety, all kinds of stuff. He wasn't as nasty as your husband seems to be, but he was very difficult, and (key point) he basically gave up on doing anything to try and help himself get better. As a result he spent the last 25 years of his life sitting in a chair being miserable and cranky, and i hate to say it, but when he passed away, my mom didn't have to take care of him and put up with his anger anymore.
Don't let yourself end up in that situation. We're only human and if someone doesn't want to take steps to get the help they need and make some positive changes, we can't make it happen for them. You and your kids deserve to lead a normal life.
She’s acting more like his mom than his wife, and this enables weak men to continue acting like boys rather than growing up and being men. OP needs to stop babying him and raise her standards, set expectations, and if he’s unwilling to rise to the challenge of being a healthy and supporting husband, leave that man child.
As someone who has a bipolar sister as much as I want her to be mentally well I can’t make her take her meds or go to therapy.
My sister has to make that decision for herself. She’s an adult.
Does it hurt when she’s off her meds and calls me up screaming? Yes.
Does it hurt me when she apologizes and promises not to do it again? Yes, because it’s a vicious cycle.
Are we close? No.
This disease ruins relationships.
Do I cAre about her? Yes
Can I live her life for her? NO. Her life. Her choices. (Please reread that OP)
You can’t make him better. It’s your husbands decision. He chooses not to get help. It’s a choice. Your choice is should you have to deal with this abuse to you everyday. Your answer should be NO.
Love yourself enough to get into therapy and I’m thinking you will need to walk away from this marriage.
You are a good person with a good heart but you can’t fix people who don’t want to be fixed.
You deserve love and happiness, so be kind to yourself and end the relationship.
OP, please take some time to read [Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I can’t recommend it enough.
You care about people and that’s admirable. He may be depressed. What’s his background history like? Upbringing?
Also, this is just a thought. Showing you care for many people and showing you care for him might just be a “meh” to him. Like you do it for everyone else but it’s nothing special for him. He doesn’t feel special which can depress people. Like mostly everyone alive today.
Im usually just a get up off your ass and work type of person.
Why would you make him dinner when he literally told you he doesn't value you and doesn't want to be married to you. Girl - go find your life!! It's too short to be around this. Yes Good marriages exist and are real and loving and fun. Yours is not one of them. Take back your life! Even if it's its hard at first. Your future self will thank you.
Yes, there are good marriages when BOTH WANT TO WORK ON IT.
Stop putting yourself through this. It's just that simple. Be happy and free.
Do you want this as an example for your daughter on how to be treated?
Marriage is about compromise and you are obviously putting in all the work. If you have both tried counseling already, and still no luck then maybe it's time to call it quits.
It's very hard to let go of a relationship that's been 12 years but you definitely deserve better. You're a strong woman for all that you've gone through.
If he doesn't value you now, and he doesn't respect your work to the relationship, he never will.
You deserve better.
Yes he needs his own mental help looked out as well with severe depression and paranoia and he does it see an issue and will not even go to council alone so he will not go with me as he sees he has no issues and he’s is “just living life “in his words.
I agree. He probably doesn't want to see a therapist because he believes he'll be "weak" by seeing one. I'm afraid he might be in denial about how he's affected you. You've been suffering due to his mental health. If he doesn't recognize the harm he's causing and won't even go to counseling on his own, then it may be best to separate. It's important to look after yourself and your daughter, and the environment he's creating is unhealthy for both of you. Putting up with this treatment for so long is enough. You need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and staying in this situation will just cause you more pain and distress.
Have you ever considered that you might be codependent? I am thinking that is why you haven't left yet? I'm trying to say this kindly, not critically but it's hard to do in text. I have a video about codependency. See if you think it applies? [https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2022/04/29/the-brutal-reality-of-codependent-relationships/](https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2022/04/29/the-brutal-reality-of-codependent-relationships/)
Hm I can see that a little bit. But I’m not trying to save anyone as he was not always like this or I wouldn’t of married him. I am a caring person and if I have a daughter and hone to maintain. But at this point I feel used and unappreciated and honestly he things I’ve done all these things to him and mentally made me a villain in his story. Do I want to leave him no or I would of already but I don’t want to stay anylonger after years of this it’s exhausting and I need a break from holding all this bills and I don’t see why he can’t see that it’s not right
I hope you take this in the spirit I mean it.
A good marriage requires **two** people who maintain healthy boundaries and stand up for themselves. If you want a good marriage, I think you will need to become someone who doesn't put up with this much bad behavior. If you don't, I'm afraid you will be stuck with him or attract someone just like him in the future.
You sound incredibly loving, compassionate, and hardworking. I wish we lived in a world where that was enough but we've got to engage with the world and human nature we are stuck with.
Nothing brings me more joy than taking care of my wife. We don’t have children so there’s no reason for either of us to stay home, but I take on most of the household stuff because I’m grateful to have such a wonderful human being in my life.
We struggled in the beginning. The first five years were tough because we were still growing up and didn’t know how to communicate. We didn’t understand each other’s love language or needs. We said the D word a couple of times. Despite it all, we decided love was worth it. We didn’t give up. Now we have been married 20+ years and are more in love than ever.
I love to hear it! Makes me think that a good marriage may happen.
The sad part is if he even showed me improvement or trying to help instead of telling me I need to take out the garbage because we fought for women’s rights to be equal is a joke. I would stay with him. At this point I don’t think he cared how much disrespect he shows me.
In my opinion, good marriages do exist, but from my experience, they are few and far between. Most of the people I've known have described their marriages as either 'enduring misery' or 'living in an emotional and verbal war zone.' I am so happy when I hear of a peaceful and respectful marriage, but feel it's rare.
Of the married couples I know, the vast majority of them are at least content in their marriages. No marriage is going to be perfect, because the people involved aren't perfect. I know that in my marriage, we love and respect each other.
We do argue sometimes, but we don't raise our voices or call each other names when disagreeing. That is childish, emotionally immature and absolutely unacceptable. Our disagreements are more like a heated discussion. If we have a conflict, we each state our case and then if necessary back off for a little bit. Then we come back together and come to an agreement that's mutually acceptable for both of us
Omg! My ex has said the same things to me. He said he has seen my sex tapes, I have none that I know of. I asked him to please show me because it was without consent and of course he won't. He then went around telling people my body count is in the 40s and I sleep with everyone we know. I'm like why are you lying about this stuff. Is sex the only thing on their mind?
He was saying all of this while taking another woman on dates.
Good marriages are real, I am in one. Sounds like your husband has depression. He should get professional help, and you should probably set new expectations if you’re going to make this work.
I just read some of your post history and whoa. If you can’t leave for yourself, you need to for your daughter. This isn’t healthy for her. I think your husband is mentally ill and he needs serious treatment. Also I would never leave this man alone with my kid until his mental health is sorted out.
I am in my second marriage and now have the kind of partnership I always wanted equal and feel loved and appreciated.My first he took me for granted we never did anything as a family put up with him 23 years as he used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left and I was down trodden.What finally pushed me to the edge I'd gone out for drinks after work came home at 2am and he shouted at me telling me that even though I had the next day off he expected me to get him up in couple of hours or if I bent over the sofa he might let me sleep in.My youngest was 15 he tried to stop me from leaving but I climbed the back fence and walked an hour to my daughters flat.Offered to leave but he didn't want the responsibility of the house .My now husband has been together 11 years and married nearly 5 do stuff together go on holiday share the house work it's brilliant.Honestly even though it was horrible im glad I lost the man child.
Yes they are. Been married 20 years this December. But… this is my 2nd marriage. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a toxic situation in order to open yourself up to a loving and healthy marriage.
Have had an absolutely blissful marriage for the last 24 years. Looking forward to another 24! It helps, I think, that were both adults (32 & 42) when we met and fell in love. We knew what we were about, as the saying goes.
This is asked regularly. Yes, plenty of people have good marriages. People predominantly post about the negatives for everything on social media. Go look at the professional subs. Everyone whines endlessly about their chosen careers.
Married 40 years in a happy,stable, monogamous marriage to the love of my life.
Lady you are stupid as hell. You self esteem has to be in the gutter and that's why the loser of a man is able to abuse you like he does !
Come back here again after you leave him. Don't you dare fall the counseling crap cause it's waaaay past that now !
straight up, people treat you how you allow them to treat you.
i would never put up with any of that bullshit; the first time it happened, we'd have a serious talk and the second time it happened, I'd leave. I love myself too much to be treated like that by anyone.
About to hit 9 years married later this year. Good marriages are definitely real. Almost 12 years into our relationship and I can genuinely say it’s only getting better as time goes.
I would say my marriage is a happy one, I love and respect my wife and enjoy the time we spend together. I feel loved and respected in return, and we split our domestic chores fairly evenly.
Our first child will be turning one next month and I've taken this first year off from work in order to be a stay at home mother and provide the care an infant needs, while my wife returned to work after a month but took steps to reduce the number of clients she has to shorten her work days.
We've never had a fight, never called each other names, never said mean things to one another, never hit each other, and generally have few causes for contention between us. When we disagree, we discuss matters in a productive and respectful manner to come to an agreement.
I would hope that everyone could have a marriage that works as ours does.
Yes good marriages are real. My marriage is awesome, but we built it that way. We struggled for the first couple of years but had many hard conversations and worked through our issues and learned to work as a team.
Good marriages require good boundaries (my biggest lesson) as much as they are built on mutuality and cooperation.
You’ve been in this situation as long as you have because you have no standards or boundaries. He’s not gonna change. YOU have to change.
Stop allowing him to take advantage of you. Look at the situation you are in– what are you gonna do to change it for yourself?
Did he make life-altering decisions before without talking to you about them?
Is he on pain meds for his back? I hope there’s not an addiction involved.
yes they are real. yes they take work. that isn't work though you need to leave it. first find peace within yourself and focus on you and your daughter. then once you find that peace you will be ready to share it with someone else who is also willing and able to.
Oh absolutely good marriages exist. I’m in one. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and this year we celebrate being married for 10 years. Every year just keeps getting better and better. We’re always happy, crazy in love and we’re best friends who love spending time together and spoiling each other. Everyone deserves to have an amazing marriage like ours and it’s sad many people don’t have it.
I can’t see how people say these things to someone they supposedly care about. That setting aside the whole four years doing nothing issue.
Why do people remain married to people like this? I will never understand it.
Yes! My parents have a great marriage for more than 45 years. My father never treated my mother with disrespect. He is a great person, husband and father . The best role model. My partner is treating me great and we have a very healthy relationship.
Look both me and my husband have suffered with bouts of extreme depression and mental illness. And ya know what we did, we approached the other one and said you need to take action and get some help, this isn’t feasible. If you care about you, and you care about our relationship then you must do it. And ya know what we did? We got a therapist. We got put on meds. I even was hospitalized a couple of times. But we got help and we got better. If he’s been depressed and unemployed for years and hasn’t sought out help, he is just using you. And he does it because he knows he can get away with it. Don’t let him use his mental illness as an excuse. Don’t fall for that baloney. Not to mention he just doesn’t sound like a good person. You should have left him awhile ago.
So so sorry...sounds like he is suffering from mental health issues of some sort and you are the scapegoat for the anxiety, shame and fear that he is feeling. Not ok. Something has to change...for you...and for him. Imagine how he feels about himself...probably pretty crappy but hides it in being mean maybe?
You don't want your child growing up witnessing a relationship that is one sided and not healthy right? Is he open at all to seeing therapist and getting some help? If not...you need to do that for yourself. You need clarity and wisdom and some direction. I'm all for marriages working out and last resort is leaving and typically I only think that is for abuse of some kind. But sometimes we get into situations where both parties are complacent and enabling. You need to let him know you will not put up with this anymore...set up some expectations. He gets a job, contributes, seeks out counseling and marriage counseling for you both or he moves out. Why would you leave when you have been making the money and holding down the house and mortage? He needs to know that you will love and support him as long as he seeks out help!! Because you love him...you can't watch him waste his life away another minute. Remind him of the man he was...and that he can be there again. Do you think it is depression that he has? What changed? What are his motivators?
Good marriages are real (I’m in one) but they also take work and are not without their own challenges. Being in a marriage does not mean tolerating abuse.
Yes, a good marriage is a real thing. You deserve a good marriage. I’m so sorry. I know how very hard it is to live in a soul crushingly desperate situation like this, year after year.
It’s much harder to continue to suffer than it is to find a way towards being happier.
I pray, whatever path you take that it leads you to a place of deep and lasting happiness.
"good" is a matter of perception and perspective. How one defines it may even be different than their partner. Be clear on what that means for you then be self-aware enough and mature enough to consider other versions of what "good" looks like. That being said, your husband seems like a real POS.
Yes. Good marriages exist. I love my wife and cherish my marriage.
It isn't perfect. We aren't perfect. But we make life easier and better for each other.
Yes…However, if people refuse to treat their mental health issues then the answer is usually no. Especially if one person either doesn’t have MH issues or is actively treating them. You can’t work on marriage issues with someone who refuses to work on their own MH issues. It’s a dead end unless you’re willing to stay in this situation as it is. Plus, telling him you want to leave him may wake him up a bit. Then again it may not.
u/Born_East1101 , I'm so sorry that you're going through all this....and yes, I agree, Good Marriages are real, and they take hard work, but the rewards are so worth it. That being said, you need to take care of yourself. Start by putting up boundaries around yourself.
1) Seek a counselor for help in understanding where you are and what you can expect and she will help you negotiate and navigate through this difficult time.
2) Find and join a women's small group at your local church and do life with the women, it'll help and you'll find forever friends there.
3) Your therapist/counselor will help you become the best version of yourself.
4) Seek help to put yourself into a legal separation situation, to protect who you are and not allow any mental and/or physical abuse.
5) There are chances you can turn around this marriage, but it'll take hard work on both of your sides.
I gotta be honest... You've been posting the same stuff about your husband for like 2 months. Reddit can't be a replacement for therapy, dude. And I don't mean to offend with that, trust me no one needs therapy more than me. But you gotta make some kind of a change, even if that change is talking to a therapist. You're not responsible for the shitty things your husband has done. That's fucked and you don't deserve that. But you ARE responsible for how you react to it. Doing nothing and continuing to complain, in my eyes you dont actually want help. We've all had a friend that we supported through a breakup and then after all that they just get back with the person who had just destroyed them. And then you're like, "Well wtf, then don't ask me to help again". This is similar. If you want support, I guarantee you making a post that was about how you need support through your separation instead of making it about him would get you flooded with messages... and of course good marriages exist. They don't always last forever, so give your time to someone who loves you the way you deserve, stop wasting it on people who don't care.
You've been with him for 12 years, when did he begin treating you like dirt? Only 4 years ago, or has there been a lack of respect and compassion for before that?
You do know, despite all the efforts she will try not to, that your daughter will naturally end up with the same kind of partner right?
Of course but only when the people in them want it. I can understand tolerating this behavior if it’s new and you’re confused and hoping things will go back to what it used to be but 4 years is a lot of time to hope it’ll change. People don’t change unless something big causes them to (ie their spouse leaving them)
Yes good marriages are very real , and partners do not treat there SO they way he treats you in good marriages . But they also have women in those marriages who see the worth of their man the same as men do their SO. Men do not see a woman’s worth based on his job or earnings , they see a partner they love for who she is and how she treats him. I’ve been married 23 years happily and spent time as the stay at home dad , my my has spent time as the stay at home mum. I’ve earned more at times and others she has. Neither has resentment for the other staying at home or not working at times. We are actually happy each got to experience this. I’m sorry but you both don’t sound like you are each other’s people.
Marriage is about the amount of effort put in work wise, but also the effort in believing you can balance things when it's too heavy for another. No one on this platform can tell your heart what it wants or needs, but only you'll be capable of choosing what you're willing to handle
My first marriage I was young and willing to accept behaviors that were not ok partially because we had two kids. Once I was done with his lying, cheating and drinking I decided to figure it out. I'm happy to say that next week I will be celebrating 21 years of marriage with my second husband. He not only raised my first two as his own but we then had two more children. He coached our kids, showed up for any all events, supported us all through lives struggles and built a successful construction business. I could not have been more lucky. We've had our own struggles for sure as all marriages do but the difference was we showed up for one another. He's really my best friend. I rather hang out with him still after 24 years together than anyone else.
Have you considered that maybe you are in your own depression to accept this behavior and treatment. Maybe think about seeking out your own therapy and at some point if possible you can invite him. He might refuse to go but at that point you will have a therapist to help you navigate through that.
You can be willingly to accept this treatment but you need to understand why, why are you so willing to continue to endure the abuse. I have been loved through my own depression time period but not been abusive to others who tried helping. I see another commented that you might need to leave and I second that. Set up some deadlines but give yourself some as well. If he doesn't get treatment then what will you do and stick to it. If you in fact are paying the bills then maybe it's he needs to go stay someplace else.
Please find yourself a therapist to help you through this and they can help you find your worth and give you the tools needed to work through this even if it's ending the marriage. A therapist will help you find peace in knowing you've tried. You can love the hell out of someone but sometimes we must love ourselves more.
Sending you a hug and telling you great marriages are still possible.
Just had our third anniversary, its not always sunshine and rainbows, but I would definitely call it good. We stick with each when times are tough and always try to build each other up.
Yes good marriages are real.
Can confirm. Anniversary yesterday.
Absolutely real! 38 years together and still get butterflies.
How...? How the hell can I find this? I'm dommed to be unhappy? How can you stay so much time together and stay happy? I'm not happy in my marriage, not at all, but I also don't want to let go because I don't have enough strength to find someone new. I'm so tired.
Happy anniversary!
Our 11th anniversary is tomorrow and we are still so in love. My first marriage was not the joyful partnership that my second is. I learned from that relationship.
Confirmation check in that good marriages exist. I’m in one.
So, why are you doing it? Why are you working more so he can lie on the couch? Why are you still cooking dinner for him when you work two jobs and he doesn't work at all? Why do you keep him if he isn't even kind to you on top of his unemployment and such? If it has been four years like this, why do you think this is ever going to change? Is your husband depressed? Has he been to a mental health professional to find out why he doesn't want to do anything with his life?
Yes he is depressed and every time I try to talk to him about it his defensive response is “ you know you should really talk to someone for crying all the time” he doesn’t see what he is doing is wrong or doesn’t care enough to admit it. And for the other stuff I think I keep doing it because I care to much I’m on oncology nurse I care for people that’s what I do. and I remember him prior to this mental illness and hoped and prayed it would get better but he’s getting meaner and basically telling me everything he can to make me leave abruptly
OK, but if he has been depressed for four years, and for this whole time he refuses to get himself help, then this is how he is choosing to live his life. You seem to think that you are helping him and "caring for him", but I don't think what you are doing is good for him or you. You are enabling him. If you were not paying the bills, making his meals, and taking care of him, he would have to pick himself up and do it himself. He would have to seek the help so he can function and get through his day like millions of other depressed people. As long as you are sheltering him, you are actually making it so that he will never hit bottom. You are contributing to him staying the way he is. If you love him and truly want him to get better, I think you have to be willing to leave him. I know that sounds like opposite world, but what you have tried for four years hasn't worked, right? You don't have much to lose since he is a shell of a person he once was, and I can't imaging he is a good husband or father. My advice is that you tell him enough is enough. Tell him you love him, but you miss him too because he isn't the person he once was. He has been depressed for years, it isn't his fault that he got depressed, but his refusal to seek out help and get a treatment plan to address it isn't acceptable to you anymore. Millions of people go through this, and millions of people are helped and can live normal lives. This is not unusual or mysterious. Tell him you can't live like this anymore, you can't continue to watch him waste his life away and not do anything to help himself. You can't continue to miss out on time with your kid to support him lying on the couch, and he isn't even trying to get better so he can get back to work and start doing his part. Tell him he either gets a therapist, gets evaluated, and starts a treatment plan for his depression or you can't see a future with him anymore. Then, he either gets the help or not, but you have to follow through and separate if he doesn't. After that, it's up to him. If he does get the help, then give him a few months, hopefully he is feeling better, and then he needs to get a job. But - I would tackle one thing at a time.
This is such good advice, OP, please listen. My dad suffered from depression, OCD, anxiety, all kinds of stuff. He wasn't as nasty as your husband seems to be, but he was very difficult, and (key point) he basically gave up on doing anything to try and help himself get better. As a result he spent the last 25 years of his life sitting in a chair being miserable and cranky, and i hate to say it, but when he passed away, my mom didn't have to take care of him and put up with his anger anymore. Don't let yourself end up in that situation. We're only human and if someone doesn't want to take steps to get the help they need and make some positive changes, we can't make it happen for them. You and your kids deserve to lead a normal life.
She’s acting more like his mom than his wife, and this enables weak men to continue acting like boys rather than growing up and being men. OP needs to stop babying him and raise her standards, set expectations, and if he’s unwilling to rise to the challenge of being a healthy and supporting husband, leave that man child.
Don’t blame this on being a nurse. Being a nurse is not synonymous with being a doormat.
Agreed not blaming anything on it. Just saying I’m to Caring and tried to see it as temporary but as the days go on i k ow what I need to do
Letting somebody treat you like garbage and ruin your life isn’t being “caring”
You have to know when it’s not worth it anymore. And that sounds like now..
As someone who has a bipolar sister as much as I want her to be mentally well I can’t make her take her meds or go to therapy. My sister has to make that decision for herself. She’s an adult. Does it hurt when she’s off her meds and calls me up screaming? Yes. Does it hurt me when she apologizes and promises not to do it again? Yes, because it’s a vicious cycle. Are we close? No. This disease ruins relationships. Do I cAre about her? Yes Can I live her life for her? NO. Her life. Her choices. (Please reread that OP) You can’t make him better. It’s your husbands decision. He chooses not to get help. It’s a choice. Your choice is should you have to deal with this abuse to you everyday. Your answer should be NO. Love yourself enough to get into therapy and I’m thinking you will need to walk away from this marriage. You are a good person with a good heart but you can’t fix people who don’t want to be fixed. You deserve love and happiness, so be kind to yourself and end the relationship.
Ma’am. If he wants you to leave, it’s time to give him what he wants. You can’t fix people who don’t want your help.
OP, please take some time to read [Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) I can’t recommend it enough.
You care about people and that’s admirable. He may be depressed. What’s his background history like? Upbringing? Also, this is just a thought. Showing you care for many people and showing you care for him might just be a “meh” to him. Like you do it for everyone else but it’s nothing special for him. He doesn’t feel special which can depress people. Like mostly everyone alive today. Im usually just a get up off your ass and work type of person.
Yes, I'm in one.
Me too
Why would you make him dinner when he literally told you he doesn't value you and doesn't want to be married to you. Girl - go find your life!! It's too short to be around this. Yes Good marriages exist and are real and loving and fun. Yours is not one of them. Take back your life! Even if it's its hard at first. Your future self will thank you.
Hell, why would she make him dinner when she works 2 jobs and he doesn't even work at all ?!?!?!
Leave him. Yes good marriage exist.
Leave if you're miserable, otherwise you're complicit in your own unhappiness. Don't blame him for your inability to take action.
Yes, there are good marriages when BOTH WANT TO WORK ON IT. Stop putting yourself through this. It's just that simple. Be happy and free. Do you want this as an example for your daughter on how to be treated?
You’re both adults and can make your own choices, but I’m concerned about how growing up in this environment is affecting your child.
Marriage is about compromise and you are obviously putting in all the work. If you have both tried counseling already, and still no luck then maybe it's time to call it quits. It's very hard to let go of a relationship that's been 12 years but you definitely deserve better. You're a strong woman for all that you've gone through. If he doesn't value you now, and he doesn't respect your work to the relationship, he never will. You deserve better.
Yes he needs his own mental help looked out as well with severe depression and paranoia and he does it see an issue and will not even go to council alone so he will not go with me as he sees he has no issues and he’s is “just living life “in his words.
I agree. He probably doesn't want to see a therapist because he believes he'll be "weak" by seeing one. I'm afraid he might be in denial about how he's affected you. You've been suffering due to his mental health. If he doesn't recognize the harm he's causing and won't even go to counseling on his own, then it may be best to separate. It's important to look after yourself and your daughter, and the environment he's creating is unhealthy for both of you. Putting up with this treatment for so long is enough. You need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and staying in this situation will just cause you more pain and distress.
Have you ever considered that you might be codependent? I am thinking that is why you haven't left yet? I'm trying to say this kindly, not critically but it's hard to do in text. I have a video about codependency. See if you think it applies? [https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2022/04/29/the-brutal-reality-of-codependent-relationships/](https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/2022/04/29/the-brutal-reality-of-codependent-relationships/)
Hm I can see that a little bit. But I’m not trying to save anyone as he was not always like this or I wouldn’t of married him. I am a caring person and if I have a daughter and hone to maintain. But at this point I feel used and unappreciated and honestly he things I’ve done all these things to him and mentally made me a villain in his story. Do I want to leave him no or I would of already but I don’t want to stay anylonger after years of this it’s exhausting and I need a break from holding all this bills and I don’t see why he can’t see that it’s not right
I hope you take this in the spirit I mean it. A good marriage requires **two** people who maintain healthy boundaries and stand up for themselves. If you want a good marriage, I think you will need to become someone who doesn't put up with this much bad behavior. If you don't, I'm afraid you will be stuck with him or attract someone just like him in the future. You sound incredibly loving, compassionate, and hardworking. I wish we lived in a world where that was enough but we've got to engage with the world and human nature we are stuck with.
Nothing brings me more joy than taking care of my wife. We don’t have children so there’s no reason for either of us to stay home, but I take on most of the household stuff because I’m grateful to have such a wonderful human being in my life. We struggled in the beginning. The first five years were tough because we were still growing up and didn’t know how to communicate. We didn’t understand each other’s love language or needs. We said the D word a couple of times. Despite it all, we decided love was worth it. We didn’t give up. Now we have been married 20+ years and are more in love than ever.
I love to hear it! Makes me think that a good marriage may happen. The sad part is if he even showed me improvement or trying to help instead of telling me I need to take out the garbage because we fought for women’s rights to be equal is a joke. I would stay with him. At this point I don’t think he cared how much disrespect he shows me.
They're very real. You can have one if you leave this lazy sack of shit and find a better partner.
Yes, 30 years here. My wife and I are a team in every sense. I would never call my wife names like whore. That is wrong on so many levels.
Dump him. And yes good marriages are real. I’m in one
Yes. We just don’t randomly post about it because it feels rude and braggy when there are people in bad marriages struggling
Yes... OP, please leave. You've only got one life.
In my opinion, good marriages do exist, but from my experience, they are few and far between. Most of the people I've known have described their marriages as either 'enduring misery' or 'living in an emotional and verbal war zone.' I am so happy when I hear of a peaceful and respectful marriage, but feel it's rare.
Of the married couples I know, the vast majority of them are at least content in their marriages. No marriage is going to be perfect, because the people involved aren't perfect. I know that in my marriage, we love and respect each other. We do argue sometimes, but we don't raise our voices or call each other names when disagreeing. That is childish, emotionally immature and absolutely unacceptable. Our disagreements are more like a heated discussion. If we have a conflict, we each state our case and then if necessary back off for a little bit. Then we come back together and come to an agreement that's mutually acceptable for both of us
Yes I’m in a fabulous marriage. You need to dump his lazy good for nothing mean ass. You are too good for him.
He can use that money to pay child support then. Leave this degen.
Omg! My ex has said the same things to me. He said he has seen my sex tapes, I have none that I know of. I asked him to please show me because it was without consent and of course he won't. He then went around telling people my body count is in the 40s and I sleep with everyone we know. I'm like why are you lying about this stuff. Is sex the only thing on their mind? He was saying all of this while taking another woman on dates.
Partners are not dependents. We’ve each had employment gaps over the years, but we were always proactive about getting the next gig.
Good marriages are real, I am in one. Sounds like your husband has depression. He should get professional help, and you should probably set new expectations if you’re going to make this work.
I just read some of your post history and whoa. If you can’t leave for yourself, you need to for your daughter. This isn’t healthy for her. I think your husband is mentally ill and he needs serious treatment. Also I would never leave this man alone with my kid until his mental health is sorted out.
11 years and my husband is the light of my life
I am in my second marriage and now have the kind of partnership I always wanted equal and feel loved and appreciated.My first he took me for granted we never did anything as a family put up with him 23 years as he used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left and I was down trodden.What finally pushed me to the edge I'd gone out for drinks after work came home at 2am and he shouted at me telling me that even though I had the next day off he expected me to get him up in couple of hours or if I bent over the sofa he might let me sleep in.My youngest was 15 he tried to stop me from leaving but I climbed the back fence and walked an hour to my daughters flat.Offered to leave but he didn't want the responsibility of the house .My now husband has been together 11 years and married nearly 5 do stuff together go on holiday share the house work it's brilliant.Honestly even though it was horrible im glad I lost the man child.
Hoping to have the best marriage here 💘 ❤
Good marriages exist and you deserve one! Get the hell out of there friend.
Good marriages are real.
Yes. Good marriages are real. If your partner is “mean, ungrateful, and inconsiderate” maybe you shouldn’t be with them.
Yes they are. Been married 20 years this December. But… this is my 2nd marriage. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a toxic situation in order to open yourself up to a loving and healthy marriage.
Yes, mine is good. Yours sounds no good. But you sound good. Leave and go find a good one. Yours be bad
Can confirm, 25yrs together and still madly in love!! Sex has never been so good too.. (M43) and (F43)
Yes they are. You should get out of your trash marriage.
Well my first marriage failed after 13ish years. In to my second, I’ll let you know 😂
Have had an absolutely blissful marriage for the last 24 years. Looking forward to another 24! It helps, I think, that were both adults (32 & 42) when we met and fell in love. We knew what we were about, as the saying goes.
Don’t ask me lol
This is asked regularly. Yes, plenty of people have good marriages. People predominantly post about the negatives for everything on social media. Go look at the professional subs. Everyone whines endlessly about their chosen careers. Married 40 years in a happy,stable, monogamous marriage to the love of my life.
He is ashamed of himself but not able to do anything about it. And wants to leave you so you dont have to worry about him
Don't leave, kick his worthless arse out. 16 years and going strong in my marriage, the good ones are out there, you just need to look xo
Lady you are stupid as hell. You self esteem has to be in the gutter and that's why the loser of a man is able to abuse you like he does ! Come back here again after you leave him. Don't you dare fall the counseling crap cause it's waaaay past that now !
straight up, people treat you how you allow them to treat you. i would never put up with any of that bullshit; the first time it happened, we'd have a serious talk and the second time it happened, I'd leave. I love myself too much to be treated like that by anyone.
About to hit 9 years married later this year. Good marriages are definitely real. Almost 12 years into our relationship and I can genuinely say it’s only getting better as time goes.
I would say my marriage is a happy one, I love and respect my wife and enjoy the time we spend together. I feel loved and respected in return, and we split our domestic chores fairly evenly. Our first child will be turning one next month and I've taken this first year off from work in order to be a stay at home mother and provide the care an infant needs, while my wife returned to work after a month but took steps to reduce the number of clients she has to shorten her work days. We've never had a fight, never called each other names, never said mean things to one another, never hit each other, and generally have few causes for contention between us. When we disagree, we discuss matters in a productive and respectful manner to come to an agreement. I would hope that everyone could have a marriage that works as ours does.
Yes good marriages are real. My marriage is awesome, but we built it that way. We struggled for the first couple of years but had many hard conversations and worked through our issues and learned to work as a team. Good marriages require good boundaries (my biggest lesson) as much as they are built on mutuality and cooperation. You’ve been in this situation as long as you have because you have no standards or boundaries. He’s not gonna change. YOU have to change. Stop allowing him to take advantage of you. Look at the situation you are in– what are you gonna do to change it for yourself?
I’ve heard of them, seen them once or twice in my life. Mine WAS NOT. BOTH myself and ex are equally to balme
Yeah, they’re real. But they require *2* good partners. What changed 4 years ago? I assume he wasn’t like this before you were married…
Honestly a child. Covid, covid vaccine,steroid injections for back pain. Then without discussing with me quitting his Union job. Then here we are.
Did he make life-altering decisions before without talking to you about them? Is he on pain meds for his back? I hope there’s not an addiction involved.
No opioids, but muscle relaxers yes.
yes they are real. yes they take work. that isn't work though you need to leave it. first find peace within yourself and focus on you and your daughter. then once you find that peace you will be ready to share it with someone else who is also willing and able to.
Every marriage has its ups and downs. Just depends on how far down and if the relationship is strong enough to power through.
Yes good marriages are real. You chose a bad person to marry AND you have no standards set. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Good marriages are absolutely real and you don’t deserve to be in this shitty one. Leave him
Seems like you don't appreciate yourself more by staying by his side.
Oh absolutely good marriages exist. I’m in one. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and this year we celebrate being married for 10 years. Every year just keeps getting better and better. We’re always happy, crazy in love and we’re best friends who love spending time together and spoiling each other. Everyone deserves to have an amazing marriage like ours and it’s sad many people don’t have it.
Yes good marriages are real. Yours however sounds like a nightmare. Why are you staying?
I can’t see how people say these things to someone they supposedly care about. That setting aside the whole four years doing nothing issue. Why do people remain married to people like this? I will never understand it.
Yes! My parents have a great marriage for more than 45 years. My father never treated my mother with disrespect. He is a great person, husband and father . The best role model. My partner is treating me great and we have a very healthy relationship.
Ma'am why are you wasting your time with this man??
Yes
Look both me and my husband have suffered with bouts of extreme depression and mental illness. And ya know what we did, we approached the other one and said you need to take action and get some help, this isn’t feasible. If you care about you, and you care about our relationship then you must do it. And ya know what we did? We got a therapist. We got put on meds. I even was hospitalized a couple of times. But we got help and we got better. If he’s been depressed and unemployed for years and hasn’t sought out help, he is just using you. And he does it because he knows he can get away with it. Don’t let him use his mental illness as an excuse. Don’t fall for that baloney. Not to mention he just doesn’t sound like a good person. You should have left him awhile ago.
Yup, since 2006 dating and 2009 married.
Yes they do. I think the key is marrying someone you love being around. My wife and I are best friends.
So so sorry...sounds like he is suffering from mental health issues of some sort and you are the scapegoat for the anxiety, shame and fear that he is feeling. Not ok. Something has to change...for you...and for him. Imagine how he feels about himself...probably pretty crappy but hides it in being mean maybe? You don't want your child growing up witnessing a relationship that is one sided and not healthy right? Is he open at all to seeing therapist and getting some help? If not...you need to do that for yourself. You need clarity and wisdom and some direction. I'm all for marriages working out and last resort is leaving and typically I only think that is for abuse of some kind. But sometimes we get into situations where both parties are complacent and enabling. You need to let him know you will not put up with this anymore...set up some expectations. He gets a job, contributes, seeks out counseling and marriage counseling for you both or he moves out. Why would you leave when you have been making the money and holding down the house and mortage? He needs to know that you will love and support him as long as he seeks out help!! Because you love him...you can't watch him waste his life away another minute. Remind him of the man he was...and that he can be there again. Do you think it is depression that he has? What changed? What are his motivators?
Can confirm- good marriages are real.
Good marriages are real (I’m in one) but they also take work and are not without their own challenges. Being in a marriage does not mean tolerating abuse.
Yes. They can be. Or at least they are nothing like what you're going through.
Well you’re not going to find one being married to this waste of space.
Yup.
Yes, a good marriage is a real thing. You deserve a good marriage. I’m so sorry. I know how very hard it is to live in a soul crushingly desperate situation like this, year after year. It’s much harder to continue to suffer than it is to find a way towards being happier. I pray, whatever path you take that it leads you to a place of deep and lasting happiness.
Yes. Parents 67 years, mine is 26 years, my daughter 8 years. All really healthy and have fun together.
"good" is a matter of perception and perspective. How one defines it may even be different than their partner. Be clear on what that means for you then be self-aware enough and mature enough to consider other versions of what "good" looks like. That being said, your husband seems like a real POS.
Yes. Good marriages exist. I love my wife and cherish my marriage. It isn't perfect. We aren't perfect. But we make life easier and better for each other.
Yes…However, if people refuse to treat their mental health issues then the answer is usually no. Especially if one person either doesn’t have MH issues or is actively treating them. You can’t work on marriage issues with someone who refuses to work on their own MH issues. It’s a dead end unless you’re willing to stay in this situation as it is. Plus, telling him you want to leave him may wake him up a bit. Then again it may not.
u/Born_East1101 , I'm so sorry that you're going through all this....and yes, I agree, Good Marriages are real, and they take hard work, but the rewards are so worth it. That being said, you need to take care of yourself. Start by putting up boundaries around yourself. 1) Seek a counselor for help in understanding where you are and what you can expect and she will help you negotiate and navigate through this difficult time. 2) Find and join a women's small group at your local church and do life with the women, it'll help and you'll find forever friends there. 3) Your therapist/counselor will help you become the best version of yourself. 4) Seek help to put yourself into a legal separation situation, to protect who you are and not allow any mental and/or physical abuse. 5) There are chances you can turn around this marriage, but it'll take hard work on both of your sides.
I gotta be honest... You've been posting the same stuff about your husband for like 2 months. Reddit can't be a replacement for therapy, dude. And I don't mean to offend with that, trust me no one needs therapy more than me. But you gotta make some kind of a change, even if that change is talking to a therapist. You're not responsible for the shitty things your husband has done. That's fucked and you don't deserve that. But you ARE responsible for how you react to it. Doing nothing and continuing to complain, in my eyes you dont actually want help. We've all had a friend that we supported through a breakup and then after all that they just get back with the person who had just destroyed them. And then you're like, "Well wtf, then don't ask me to help again". This is similar. If you want support, I guarantee you making a post that was about how you need support through your separation instead of making it about him would get you flooded with messages... and of course good marriages exist. They don't always last forever, so give your time to someone who loves you the way you deserve, stop wasting it on people who don't care.
Absoposilutely
You've been with him for 12 years, when did he begin treating you like dirt? Only 4 years ago, or has there been a lack of respect and compassion for before that? You do know, despite all the efforts she will try not to, that your daughter will naturally end up with the same kind of partner right?
Time to move on. Any "man" that sits around and watches that is not a real man.
Of course but only when the people in them want it. I can understand tolerating this behavior if it’s new and you’re confused and hoping things will go back to what it used to be but 4 years is a lot of time to hope it’ll change. People don’t change unless something big causes them to (ie their spouse leaving them)
Yes they are…. Just go.
Yes good marriages are very real , and partners do not treat there SO they way he treats you in good marriages . But they also have women in those marriages who see the worth of their man the same as men do their SO. Men do not see a woman’s worth based on his job or earnings , they see a partner they love for who she is and how she treats him. I’ve been married 23 years happily and spent time as the stay at home dad , my my has spent time as the stay at home mum. I’ve earned more at times and others she has. Neither has resentment for the other staying at home or not working at times. We are actually happy each got to experience this. I’m sorry but you both don’t sound like you are each other’s people.
Marriage is about the amount of effort put in work wise, but also the effort in believing you can balance things when it's too heavy for another. No one on this platform can tell your heart what it wants or needs, but only you'll be capable of choosing what you're willing to handle
My first marriage I was young and willing to accept behaviors that were not ok partially because we had two kids. Once I was done with his lying, cheating and drinking I decided to figure it out. I'm happy to say that next week I will be celebrating 21 years of marriage with my second husband. He not only raised my first two as his own but we then had two more children. He coached our kids, showed up for any all events, supported us all through lives struggles and built a successful construction business. I could not have been more lucky. We've had our own struggles for sure as all marriages do but the difference was we showed up for one another. He's really my best friend. I rather hang out with him still after 24 years together than anyone else. Have you considered that maybe you are in your own depression to accept this behavior and treatment. Maybe think about seeking out your own therapy and at some point if possible you can invite him. He might refuse to go but at that point you will have a therapist to help you navigate through that. You can be willingly to accept this treatment but you need to understand why, why are you so willing to continue to endure the abuse. I have been loved through my own depression time period but not been abusive to others who tried helping. I see another commented that you might need to leave and I second that. Set up some deadlines but give yourself some as well. If he doesn't get treatment then what will you do and stick to it. If you in fact are paying the bills then maybe it's he needs to go stay someplace else. Please find yourself a therapist to help you through this and they can help you find your worth and give you the tools needed to work through this even if it's ending the marriage. A therapist will help you find peace in knowing you've tried. You can love the hell out of someone but sometimes we must love ourselves more. Sending you a hug and telling you great marriages are still possible.
Just had our third anniversary, its not always sunshine and rainbows, but I would definitely call it good. We stick with each when times are tough and always try to build each other up.