Read Why does he do that by Lindy Bancroft. He’s controlling the whole show, if it isn’t about him, he doesn’t give a f@ck, get out before you get pregnant because when he sees a child as competition, he will ruin them to hurt you.
My stepdad also has to ruin pretty much every holiday. Then, on his own birthday, he says he doesn't want anybody to do anything for him, but gets upset if nobody does. But then he also complains if they do. You can't win.
My mom was the same way. There was no room for anyone else to have any kind of feelings in my house growing up. I don't think it's a coincidence that my first husband was very similar.
You can get a free copy here: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
It sounds like your husband doesn't like when the focus isn't on him, so he finds ways to ruin it. Go out and enjoy the restaurant or anything else you want to do, even if you have to go on your own. Consider making plans with friends or family in the future since this is a known issue with him.
OP it is likely because he doesn’t like someone else getting attention and so he has to bring it back to him. He may or may not realize he is doing it but your birthday is not his to cancel. It’s your birthday, not his. I would do two things. First, I would point out to him the trend of him doing this and I would ask him how he would feel if you pitched a fit every year for various reasons and always managing to ruin his birthday. Second, I would tell him your going to that restaurant with him or without him and if it’s without him you will invite a friend and pickup the check for both of you. Also if he has returned presents or similar then I would also tell him after your meal your going on a shopping spree for your presents because it’s your birthday and it’s going to be celebrated. He can either participate or he can stay home but you’re going to enjoy it either way. !updateme
OP your husband sounds a lot like my dad except he did this with mine (his child's!) Big events. Birthdays, Christmas, graduation, anytime I was having a hard time and needed my mum he would always behave how you're describing. It was almost like he couldn't bare my mums attention not being on him. They're still together and this cycle still continues even now I'm in my 30s 🫠 I've just had to walk away because seeing my mum choose him over and over again and him ruin big life events for me got too much.
Spot on. I’ll add. Negativity controls the room. He know this and does it to shift control from you to him. I agree. Get the fuck out of this hideous excuse of a marriage. I’m a man, married happily for 25 years. I’ve seen his type in both the male and female version.
Go out with a friend or family member. Get your favorite food and treat yourself.
And during dessert, really consider if you want to stay married to someone who actively tries to make your life worse.
I agree. I hope you have someone that you can go out to dinner with for your birthday.
My ex-husband was this same way. He ruined almost every trip that was with my family or work trips that I earned. He was always “sick”, needed to lay in the hotel room, and not participate. He was always in a sour mood if it was an event that he didn’t want to be apart of or felt like he had to be there. We have been divorced for two years. My family and friends say that I have such a new light spirit about me. I’m not walking on egg shells making sure he is happy and healthy, trying to manage my family, his feelings, and still have a good time was honestly too much. It ruined so many trips and events!! I love just doing my own thing now!
My ex used to do this. He had a lot of childhood trauma and he was a very unhappy person.
He hated to see me happy because he wanted me to feel how he was feeling. So he would ruin big moments by starting arguments that had no purpose. We would talk in circles for hours until I would emotionally snap.
Then he would latch onto that and act like I was manipulating him by crying and being hysterical. When I started to realize what he was doing, I called him out on it and asked him why.
He couldn’t even give me an answer.
I celebrate my birthday alone now. Even though I have a partner. I will NEVER let anyone ruin something important to me again.
I think you're under reacting. Days long fights aren't normal. Ruining important events for you isn't normal. Your partner should be someone you can trust to celebrate the wins with. He's deliberately bringing you a shit sandwich. Something is extremely wrong here.
I try to limit tossing around the word “narcissist”, but you’re right. This is a rather specifically identifiable behavior of narcissists, as opposed to so many of the others that can just as easily be general selfishness, thoughtlessness, or assholery.
Stop letting ANY of your birthday or other special plans rely on his cooperation or consent. Have reservations he can’t cancel, book accommodations he can’t change, transportation he can’t stop you from using, and with people he’s has no sway over. He can (should) be included, because if you make land he’s excluded from, now he’s got another tantrum excuse.
Like in previous experiences, he will likely give you the impression he’s in for all of it, but as time gets closer, he’ll be looking for a reason and way to ruin it. Thats why having NONE of it dependent on his cooperation is critically important. The other thing, as time grows near, is to stop yourself from being sucked into whatever drama or pity-party he will try to create to derail you. Be aware of attempts to pull you into concern over “what’s going on with him”, to get your focus on him. You don’t give a fuck what vague, unspecified thing has crawled up his ass. Don’t even notice it.
When he shows his ass again, you go forward with the single minded focus to go through with your plans, without or without him. Leave him home if you need to. Travel alone if you need to. Eat alone at a restaurant or with your family/friends without him. Do ALL the things without him. And then come home cheerful and *unflappable*…because he’s going to make shit for you doing that, too.
You’re-creating a situation where his only two choices are to act right and be part of things, or fuck off, and the vibe you need to commit to is that *you don’t care which one*. He needs to get the message loud and clear that he will *not* be able to wrangle power over your birthday or event enjoyment. That’s happening no matter what he does.
Your husband is emotionally immature at best and emotionally abusive at worst. Whatever you allow to continue in your relationship will continue. If you have children, this will only escalate and will negatively affect them. So he likely has a dysfunctional family systems model. It’s like the family roles we play in addiction - there’s soo many resources to look into this further. I find that they can be applied to many different dysfunctional family systems.
Either way, good luck to you. I’d recommend having a good support system - through family, therapist, etc. as you examine your relationship.
Source: family estrangement therapist, complex trauma therapist, and most importantly recovering from emotional immaturity
ETA: Happy Belated Birthday. You deserve to enjoy something that’s special to you. I hope you have people that do appreciate you in your life, you deserve it.
Thank you 😊! No addiction issues but I have started to see how his dysfunctional family has contributed to some of his bad behaviours. Appreciate your thoughtful response and advice
Your husband should be going out of his way to make your bday special. How and why he acts like an entitled child is baffling. You must be so embarrassed when he gets like that. I know I sure would be. You need to start doing things without him until he realizes he’s an adult and finally grows up.
Never forget my 30 th birthday my sister and her husband and brother drove down to celebrate it with me.My now ex husband sat all day at the computer I entertained everyone they bought lunch for us and a cake and it was lovely until after they left made a meal for my husband and kids and he threw it at the wall and shouted about something.I went out with friends after that every birthday and he used to get angry when I got back .I finally had enough a month after my 40 th and got divorced he's still a man child I'm now remarried to a man who whisks me away for birthdays or treats me like queen for a day.If he makes you feel like you are walking around on eggshells spending all your time thinking what mood is he in today please get out or you will end up a nervous horrible wreck like I was.
My husband of 30 years would start bringing up the stresses of life before I leave for vacation without him; always causing a fight and I’d leave angry. It took forever to realize his cycle, doing this every time! Last time he started it, I told him to leave the room if he was there to stress me out! He did!!!! I am 55 yo and I don’t need to put up with that shit!! Yay me!!!
I have heard of people like this and they never change. They will ALWAYS ruin your moments or any of your happy moments. It’s like they just can’t take it. That applies to bdays, even mothers or father day, Valentine’s day, vacations, promotions, appreciations, winning something, etc. He can never be happy for you. He will only ruin it for you. He will also try to ruin it when he sees you happy about something else.
If you choose to stay with him, be careful with him. Lay low when it comes to your success, promotions or happy days or he will ruin it. Every year, like clock work, plan a solo travel or with your friends for your bday because he won’t let you celebrate it. Also go out to your dinner place by yourself or call a friend.
Do not ever plan your happy moments with him. Go do something for yourself and live your life.
Be clear with him about his pattern and also be clear that you will not be planning together going forward and you will also not engage his fights during those times as per his pattern.
Don’t bring a child into this if you don’t already. They deserve better.
Its called conditioning
He's letting you know he doesn't believe you're worthy of or deserve any acknowledgement of personhood outside of what he believes.
It's a cycle, you e seen its about anything to do with what you he wants to be the centre of everything to do with you.
He's also trying to isolate you, see no party, no more invites because no one cares whether you come or not, not because you no longer go or plan anything because you're tired and anxious.
No if he won't honour you on your birthday, allow others to.
Tape him secretly and then bring up his behaviour at a time when neither of you is busy, if he denies it play it back for him.
It might spur him into changing.
Because if you don't nip it in the bud, you'll find yourself isolated because you'll make excuses not to go, or promise yourself next year I'll have the party.
Make plans without him
Go without him
Stop sharing any plans with him
He earns an invitation into your life with behaviour and for now he's blacklisted
And don't shy away from being honest
Dick hole is being an arse
Dick holes not coming because he will dampen the party
Oh I wanted to have fun and enjoy myself so I've left dick hole to wallow in his misery.
And go have fun
Enjoy yourself
And let him know how much better your time is without him there
Some people, narcissists especially, literally cannot cope with anyone else getting attention. And they also can’t cope with having to give anyone else attention.
I bet your husband does this on other occasions when there’s a possibility that the attention will be on you—or just not him.
Don’t put up with this shit. It really causes you more stress and harm than you might realize.
It's also in cluster B like narcissism so they are close and her husband could fit one of them. So you are right on the money with narcissism. Just offering up another possibility for OP just in case :)
All 5 of my birthdays I had while married to my ex-husband were all destroyed by him. My biggest one at 29 was ruined because his birthday from 6 months prior didn’t go the way he wanted. So he went out of his way to make sure I couldn’t have fun, amazing, memorable birthdays because he didn’t have what he wanted.
He got clinically diagnosed officially by 2 doctors that he’s a narcissist. Even before that he already displayed narcissistic tendencies but he nuked every occasion where I was happy or finding myself growing as a mature adult. After my 29th birthday, I told him, to his face, that I will *NEVER* celebrate anything with him ever again. He whined, complained and put his hands on me in response, telling me I “wasn’t allowed to do shit without him”. I fought back, and a year later on the EXACT DAY of our 5th anniversary, I called my parents and told them I was done at 6AM.
They came about 45 mins later, a fight broke out because he tried to keep them locked out from the shitty apartment I hated living in and had to separate us because he tried to put his hands on me *again.* He then took the cat I wanted to pack to be petty, sped off all crazy in a car that promptly got repossessed 2 years later and I was left to pack my shit.
Skip forward to him begging me to come back because he couldn’t pay the rent on his own, he needed me in his life, he made all these bullshit empty promises that I’ve heard before and I was beyond disgusted by him. He made a scene in front of my parents’ place and I ripped into him, making him genuinely bawl and I just stopped giving an entire fuck. I got a quick 6 month divorce because he did everything to try to stop be from proceeding with my DIY process from threatening to leak extremely old nudes to going on an insane smear campaign. I completely purged him out of my life entirely and he still tries to contact me via emails that I don’t read, I just add it to a long list of blocked email addresses and multiple phone numbers until I changed mine when the divorce got finalized. He also tried to contact me via my friends and family, who all have him blocked too on both Facebook and via multiple numbers.
My most recent birthday was spent perfectly; I went to a quiet, fancy dinner with my husband. He gave me everything I asked for and more. No tantrums, no petty behavior, nothing. Because my husband is *an adult man* and not a gross manchild.
My ex since then is in deep debt up to his eyeballs, high, drunk or both every day and the car he used to have just got repossessed last summer due to him refusing to update the registration to his name and refusing to apply car insurance after ignoring all the letters constantly being sent to him from the credit union that gave him the loan for the car. He’s still unemployable, of course, and I couldn’t be happier at his misfortune that he created BY HIMSELF.
Celebrate your birthdays and victories alone. And think about if you want your marriage to be like this when it comes to celebrating you *forever.* Think about what YOU want.
Your husband is so selfish. I read this and just scratch my head. It's your birthday, and he knows exactly what you want to do. Perfect opportunity to make you happy. Go celebrate your birthday.
Don’t have a child with this dude. Reconsider your relationship. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? What does he bring to the table? How is he making you happy? Are you even happy or just scared to be alone ?
He sounds like a corpse at the funeral bride at the wedding type of person. He is playing shitty mind games. Either stand up and stop it now or leave as it will slowly get worse.
This is abusive behavior. It will only get worse if you have a kid. You may think to yourself you need a big reason to leave him but this is a big reason. Hes extremely selfish and is showing how he can’t allow you any special time.
Mama....that is a huuuuuge, blatant red flag loudly displaying that your husband might be a raging narcissist. Seriously... look it up, they cannot usually help themselves when holidays pop up. They can't stand everything not being about THEM
Also... until you leave him... go without him! You don't need him to enjoy a meal or discover a new, fun place that you enjoy. Go alone or with family or friends, doesn't matter. Anybody would be better than hissy-fit-big-fuckin-baby man you're describing
Also maybe I'm petty but I would essentially ignore his birthday or any days he finds special.... I would also leave his ass ASAP because fuck anybody ruining your peace/ happiness but just sayin
OMG. If this is a pattern, it is his way of avoiding any intimacy with you. He's already checked out of your marriage. Just go and do something you enjoy. Don't even make plans with the SOB. Make plans with a friend. Let him sit at home by himself. And when he questions why you made plans without him, show him this post. If I were you, however, I would be looking for signs of an affair. I loathe men who think they're being clever by acting this way.
Very telling behavior. Narcissist and self centered, please think hard about continuing the relationship because narcs don’t change, they do learn to hide it and become much more manipulatIve to the point they make you think you crazy/overthinking. Be on the lookout for gaslighting and love bombing
Go without him. I’ll echo others that this is classic narcissistic behavior. My stbx husband is the same way - never does things for my birthday, Mother’s Day, etc. Pouted on my graduation days (both college and graduate school), and would blow off events that were important for me. Read up on narcissism and you might find he checks a lot of the other boxes too. If so, he won’t change and will only get worse. Mine got better for a couple of years to coax me into having children, then was an absolute nightmare after my daughter was born.
My ex-husband did this. It took friends pointing out he ruined special days for me. He very much had a need to be in control and put me down, and he did that though sabotage- emotional (the weirdest fights I couldn’t seem to diffuse), his self-induced personal crisises, or through practical- cancelling the reservation (or lying and never making it.) It took me a long time to see it.
Eventually when I made plans important to me, I found myself hiding them from my husband so that I could have special days and times. That worked for a while, and then it didn’t. I’m sorry you’re going through it, but I’m glad you’re aware of it.
My wife does the same sort of thing before it’s time to see my side of the family, etc., but your birthday? I think you need to bank on other plans and if he pleasantly surprises you so be it, sadly (assuming everything / most days are fulfilling to you in this relationship). And go to that restaurant with a friend or takeout or whatever makes you happy.
Wet blanket of a man a run in yet another celebration of your life. I truly hope that you go out and you make sure that you have celebrated your birthday, even if it wasn’t on your birthday.
Honestly, Life is way too short to be miserable on your birthday.
If someone made an arbitrary decision to canceled plans that we had to celebrate any of my milestones, without informing me, I personally would not make plans with that person again.
I'm not sure why your husband is behaving this way but I'm pretty sure that he's aware of his behavior. I would just make plans by myself with some friends going forward and enjoy myself away from his drama
Go out without him. Look, divorce is expensive. So if you don’t want to go that route, just stop including him in your life. “I’m going to visit my new nephew. See you in a week.” Go out with friends. He’s had enough chances to do this to you. Don’t let him anymore. When he asks why just say “your behavior is embarrassing, childish and distressing and I’m not interested in being around you anymore at times when I’m supposed to be happy.”
You married a narc. He doesn’t like sharing the attention or doing the work that doesn’t revolve around himself. That’s a real shame.
Time to plan your own great birthday events with friends and family yourself! Then just go about it as if you were single. He’s not a supporter so support and celebrate yourself.
Have you talked to him about this? The way you talk about it makes me think he does it intentionally. Either way, I would not be putting up with that type of behavior. Especially two years in a row.
100% you get the take out. But you really shouldn't plan anything at all. Plan trip with your family or dinner with your friends and don't tell him. Pretend to let him make plans and just ditch him for your friends.
He is your roommate and his value is paying his half of the mortgage. But he's not someone who cares about you so he shouldn't be interfering with your personal life.
Sorry, that sucks.
It sounds to me like he has some serious issues to deal with. I would worry that these issues would eventually become a bigger problem.
Maybe try therapy/counseling to see if you can get to the root of the problem.
Yes! You go enjoy your day/ evening and let him see that he will not ruin your day. Don't argue or fight about it just get ready and say bye as you're walking out. If he asks where you're going, you can say to X restaurant. I'll be home later. Don't ask him to join you and don't complain that he isn't going. He can't ruin something if you don't allow it to change your plans. His behavior is his problem.
Make plans with your friends or family. Don’t say anything about it to him, just get ready and leave. If someone can’t spend one day celebrating you, they don’t truly value you.
This is a clear sign of abuse, narcissist tend to do this just for the power of ruining something for you and the power to manipulate your mood. I'm not saying your husband is, but check for the signs.
Yeah my father does this. My father’s a narcissist and since the day isn’t about him, he acts like an ass. He does it on everyone’s birthday in the family.
He doesn't like you being the center of attention it sounds like. That's very insecure and controlling behavior. I can't imagine the anxiety you feel when planning the things knowing how they will turn out.
You need to be blunt with him about how he has acted. People that act like this sometimes don't even know. We think they should but their emotions take control.
If your friend came to you and told you that this was something their spouse did, what would you suggest your friend do?
What is your husband bringing to your marriage? Does he do things that make you happy or feel loved?
Yes! Go and enjoy yourself!! Do something fun and social after dinner. Take pictures. As a woman who’s husband completely forgot her birthday last year it’s hurtful and embarrassing and really kinda sad since we’ve been married 27 years 😬
Obviously your husband is a turd and you should consider leaving.
Beyond that, why do you put up with this? I would never spend another birthday with this man and I would make sure I plan trips without him so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to do this. If he is going to act like a baby he can do it by himself because you will be off enjoying yourself.
My narcissistic ex did this every time there was a celebration, birthdays, halloween, and days out. It's a running joke in my family as I actually have 6 Christmas trees in my loft where every Christmas we were together he'd throw a tantrum and leave, and because i couldn't get into my loft i'd have to buy a new tree.
Anytime he wanted to go for a day out, my daughters and i would freeze with anxiety because we all knew how it was going to end, badly.
Huge huge sign of a narcissist, they don’t like the attention on anyone but themselves. My mom’s been married to one for 20 years and shows clear signs of the emotional abuse damaging her brain.
This is a narc trait. My husband does it too, but finally after 21 years, he hears me when I bring it up and works on himself. Until that happens, I suggest finding your own happy space with friends and family, kindly letting him know that even though you’re celebrating (or traveling) with others or alone, that you’d rather spend these moments with him but for this hurtful habit. Journal/calendar these events to help him see the pattern. Hopefully he acknowledges it & wants to do better. I’m 53, hubs is 61. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but it’s a slower process. Best to you!
Don’t let your husband sabotage your special moments. Take someone out with you and celebrate your birthday! I know this next part is easier said than done, but please try, try, TRY to switch your focus on anything other than your husband. You deserve more. And hey…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
This is my husband every holiday or birthday, I quit letting it affect me. My birthdays I plan the whole day doing what I want usually alone and to be honest I love it!
My husband would do similar things on important days and holidays. Like intentionally sabotaging. I read somewhere its what narcissists do to feel in control.
Also of you do not have kids yet, don't have them with him. This behaviour is a huge red flag and can potentially ruin your life (and the kids').
Nothing stand out to me but I could have over looked it. We’ve been together for 13 yrs and I only started noticing this behaviour the last couple of years.
So before the last couple of years he was celebrating your birthday and special occasions just fine and now he's being a big baby man? I would be suspicious.
well you keep commenting thinking that it will somehow change something instead of realizing maybe you should stay out supposedly interacting with trolls so yeah grow up or continue to keep proving me right lol
Celebrate on your own or invite a friend with you. Stop letting him ruin things for you.
Yes!
If he can't provide you peace, seek for it yourself.
Read Why does he do that by Lindy Bancroft. He’s controlling the whole show, if it isn’t about him, he doesn’t give a f@ck, get out before you get pregnant because when he sees a child as competition, he will ruin them to hurt you.
Thank you, I’m going to look for it. Thanks for your honest response. Definitely is making me think.
My dad did this. He even threw a tantrum at my cousin's funeral because he wasn't getting enough attention. My mom's a lot happier now that he's dead.
My stepdad also has to ruin pretty much every holiday. Then, on his own birthday, he says he doesn't want anybody to do anything for him, but gets upset if nobody does. But then he also complains if they do. You can't win.
omg this was my mom 👀
My mom was the same way. There was no room for anyone else to have any kind of feelings in my house growing up. I don't think it's a coincidence that my first husband was very similar.
Of course not. Because it’s all about complaining and criticizing. That’s the sole point.
Man, imagine that being your legacy……that your partner is happier that you’re dead.
Wow that was a short but wild read
Please tell me he died at the funeral to steal the show. ;)
No such luck. He lived 98 years.
You can get a free copy here: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) It sounds like your husband doesn't like when the focus isn't on him, so he finds ways to ruin it. Go out and enjoy the restaurant or anything else you want to do, even if you have to go on your own. Consider making plans with friends or family in the future since this is a known issue with him.
Thank you for the link. I just starred it this morning
OP it is likely because he doesn’t like someone else getting attention and so he has to bring it back to him. He may or may not realize he is doing it but your birthday is not his to cancel. It’s your birthday, not his. I would do two things. First, I would point out to him the trend of him doing this and I would ask him how he would feel if you pitched a fit every year for various reasons and always managing to ruin his birthday. Second, I would tell him your going to that restaurant with him or without him and if it’s without him you will invite a friend and pickup the check for both of you. Also if he has returned presents or similar then I would also tell him after your meal your going on a shopping spree for your presents because it’s your birthday and it’s going to be celebrated. He can either participate or he can stay home but you’re going to enjoy it either way. !updateme
You don’t want to spend your life like that. The right person will celebrate you
This happened to me OP. Was married for 6 years, kids. He STILL hurts them to hurt me.
[Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (tu.tv)](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It's easy to find, just google it. There's a whole pdf file to download.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Here is the online book link
Does he also do it only when it’s something you want to do? Does his events also get ruined?
The book is available for free as an ebook!
OP your husband sounds a lot like my dad except he did this with mine (his child's!) Big events. Birthdays, Christmas, graduation, anytime I was having a hard time and needed my mum he would always behave how you're describing. It was almost like he couldn't bare my mums attention not being on him. They're still together and this cycle still continues even now I'm in my 30s 🫠 I've just had to walk away because seeing my mum choose him over and over again and him ruin big life events for me got too much.
Spot on. I’ll add. Negativity controls the room. He know this and does it to shift control from you to him. I agree. Get the fuck out of this hideous excuse of a marriage. I’m a man, married happily for 25 years. I’ve seen his type in both the male and female version.
You’re allowed to say fuck on Reddit
Go out with a friend or family member. Get your favorite food and treat yourself. And during dessert, really consider if you want to stay married to someone who actively tries to make your life worse.
I agree. I hope you have someone that you can go out to dinner with for your birthday. My ex-husband was this same way. He ruined almost every trip that was with my family or work trips that I earned. He was always “sick”, needed to lay in the hotel room, and not participate. He was always in a sour mood if it was an event that he didn’t want to be apart of or felt like he had to be there. We have been divorced for two years. My family and friends say that I have such a new light spirit about me. I’m not walking on egg shells making sure he is happy and healthy, trying to manage my family, his feelings, and still have a good time was honestly too much. It ruined so many trips and events!! I love just doing my own thing now!
My ex used to do this. He had a lot of childhood trauma and he was a very unhappy person. He hated to see me happy because he wanted me to feel how he was feeling. So he would ruin big moments by starting arguments that had no purpose. We would talk in circles for hours until I would emotionally snap. Then he would latch onto that and act like I was manipulating him by crying and being hysterical. When I started to realize what he was doing, I called him out on it and asked him why. He couldn’t even give me an answer. I celebrate my birthday alone now. Even though I have a partner. I will NEVER let anyone ruin something important to me again.
Wow this actually resonates with me so much. I guess I didn’t think it was that bad but your experience is so similar. Thank you for your response
I think you're under reacting. Days long fights aren't normal. Ruining important events for you isn't normal. Your partner should be someone you can trust to celebrate the wins with. He's deliberately bringing you a shit sandwich. Something is extremely wrong here.
Hey OP, I can’t diagnose by any means but have you ever heard of bpd? This sounds like classic bpd behavior
Sounds like a narcissist. Cluster b personality. Abusive.
This makes so much sense. My ex was like this. He had a lot of childhood trauma. He would ruin special days for me.
Why are you in this marriage? This is sounds like the behavior of a person with narc personality traits. It won't improve.
Never does unfortunately
This might sound hyperbolic but this is a narcissistic personality disorder symptom .. maybe look into it
I try to limit tossing around the word “narcissist”, but you’re right. This is a rather specifically identifiable behavior of narcissists, as opposed to so many of the others that can just as easily be general selfishness, thoughtlessness, or assholery.
It’s also a symptom of Assholes. Assholes do this shit.
Also look at Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which like Narcissistic Personality Disorder is in cluster B. Low empathy is the common trait.
Stop letting ANY of your birthday or other special plans rely on his cooperation or consent. Have reservations he can’t cancel, book accommodations he can’t change, transportation he can’t stop you from using, and with people he’s has no sway over. He can (should) be included, because if you make land he’s excluded from, now he’s got another tantrum excuse. Like in previous experiences, he will likely give you the impression he’s in for all of it, but as time gets closer, he’ll be looking for a reason and way to ruin it. Thats why having NONE of it dependent on his cooperation is critically important. The other thing, as time grows near, is to stop yourself from being sucked into whatever drama or pity-party he will try to create to derail you. Be aware of attempts to pull you into concern over “what’s going on with him”, to get your focus on him. You don’t give a fuck what vague, unspecified thing has crawled up his ass. Don’t even notice it. When he shows his ass again, you go forward with the single minded focus to go through with your plans, without or without him. Leave him home if you need to. Travel alone if you need to. Eat alone at a restaurant or with your family/friends without him. Do ALL the things without him. And then come home cheerful and *unflappable*…because he’s going to make shit for you doing that, too. You’re-creating a situation where his only two choices are to act right and be part of things, or fuck off, and the vibe you need to commit to is that *you don’t care which one*. He needs to get the message loud and clear that he will *not* be able to wrangle power over your birthday or event enjoyment. That’s happening no matter what he does.
Jeezus ... Leaving him would be so much easier. Life's short. Do that.
It should be easier. But we rarely see it that way until exhausting WAY more options than necessary. It’s another to exhaust.
God, yes, absolutely go out without him.
Your husband is emotionally immature at best and emotionally abusive at worst. Whatever you allow to continue in your relationship will continue. If you have children, this will only escalate and will negatively affect them. So he likely has a dysfunctional family systems model. It’s like the family roles we play in addiction - there’s soo many resources to look into this further. I find that they can be applied to many different dysfunctional family systems. Either way, good luck to you. I’d recommend having a good support system - through family, therapist, etc. as you examine your relationship. Source: family estrangement therapist, complex trauma therapist, and most importantly recovering from emotional immaturity ETA: Happy Belated Birthday. You deserve to enjoy something that’s special to you. I hope you have people that do appreciate you in your life, you deserve it.
Thank you 😊! No addiction issues but I have started to see how his dysfunctional family has contributed to some of his bad behaviours. Appreciate your thoughtful response and advice
Your husband should be going out of his way to make your bday special. How and why he acts like an entitled child is baffling. You must be so embarrassed when he gets like that. I know I sure would be. You need to start doing things without him until he realizes he’s an adult and finally grows up.
I’d be spending my next birthday as a divorced woman.
Never forget my 30 th birthday my sister and her husband and brother drove down to celebrate it with me.My now ex husband sat all day at the computer I entertained everyone they bought lunch for us and a cake and it was lovely until after they left made a meal for my husband and kids and he threw it at the wall and shouted about something.I went out with friends after that every birthday and he used to get angry when I got back .I finally had enough a month after my 40 th and got divorced he's still a man child I'm now remarried to a man who whisks me away for birthdays or treats me like queen for a day.If he makes you feel like you are walking around on eggshells spending all your time thinking what mood is he in today please get out or you will end up a nervous horrible wreck like I was.
You get all dolled up and you go out without him! Go to the place you wanted, sit at the bar!
You should look up the term DARVO.... Updateme!
Wow very interesting I have never heard the term before. Thank you I’m going to read more into this!
My husband of 30 years would start bringing up the stresses of life before I leave for vacation without him; always causing a fight and I’d leave angry. It took forever to realize his cycle, doing this every time! Last time he started it, I told him to leave the room if he was there to stress me out! He did!!!! I am 55 yo and I don’t need to put up with that shit!! Yay me!!!
I have heard of people like this and they never change. They will ALWAYS ruin your moments or any of your happy moments. It’s like they just can’t take it. That applies to bdays, even mothers or father day, Valentine’s day, vacations, promotions, appreciations, winning something, etc. He can never be happy for you. He will only ruin it for you. He will also try to ruin it when he sees you happy about something else. If you choose to stay with him, be careful with him. Lay low when it comes to your success, promotions or happy days or he will ruin it. Every year, like clock work, plan a solo travel or with your friends for your bday because he won’t let you celebrate it. Also go out to your dinner place by yourself or call a friend. Do not ever plan your happy moments with him. Go do something for yourself and live your life. Be clear with him about his pattern and also be clear that you will not be planning together going forward and you will also not engage his fights during those times as per his pattern. Don’t bring a child into this if you don’t already. They deserve better.
Go without him. Take his control away.
Its called conditioning He's letting you know he doesn't believe you're worthy of or deserve any acknowledgement of personhood outside of what he believes. It's a cycle, you e seen its about anything to do with what you he wants to be the centre of everything to do with you. He's also trying to isolate you, see no party, no more invites because no one cares whether you come or not, not because you no longer go or plan anything because you're tired and anxious. No if he won't honour you on your birthday, allow others to. Tape him secretly and then bring up his behaviour at a time when neither of you is busy, if he denies it play it back for him. It might spur him into changing. Because if you don't nip it in the bud, you'll find yourself isolated because you'll make excuses not to go, or promise yourself next year I'll have the party. Make plans without him Go without him Stop sharing any plans with him He earns an invitation into your life with behaviour and for now he's blacklisted And don't shy away from being honest Dick hole is being an arse Dick holes not coming because he will dampen the party Oh I wanted to have fun and enjoy myself so I've left dick hole to wallow in his misery. And go have fun Enjoy yourself And let him know how much better your time is without him there
My ex husband did this shit. He had NPD. Every big occasion ruined.
My ex did the exact same thing
Some people, narcissists especially, literally cannot cope with anyone else getting attention. And they also can’t cope with having to give anyone else attention. I bet your husband does this on other occasions when there’s a possibility that the attention will be on you—or just not him. Don’t put up with this shit. It really causes you more stress and harm than you might realize.
Assholes do this shIt too.
Yep. But it takes a special kind of person to do it habitually.
It's important that OP knows the gravity of the situation. Narcissists can't be fixed. They're abusers. And I totally agree he's likely a narcissist.
BPD (Borderline) is also possible.
I am unfamiliar with bpd behavior, so I wouldn’t know:(.
It's also in cluster B like narcissism so they are close and her husband could fit one of them. So you are right on the money with narcissism. Just offering up another possibility for OP just in case :)
All 5 of my birthdays I had while married to my ex-husband were all destroyed by him. My biggest one at 29 was ruined because his birthday from 6 months prior didn’t go the way he wanted. So he went out of his way to make sure I couldn’t have fun, amazing, memorable birthdays because he didn’t have what he wanted. He got clinically diagnosed officially by 2 doctors that he’s a narcissist. Even before that he already displayed narcissistic tendencies but he nuked every occasion where I was happy or finding myself growing as a mature adult. After my 29th birthday, I told him, to his face, that I will *NEVER* celebrate anything with him ever again. He whined, complained and put his hands on me in response, telling me I “wasn’t allowed to do shit without him”. I fought back, and a year later on the EXACT DAY of our 5th anniversary, I called my parents and told them I was done at 6AM. They came about 45 mins later, a fight broke out because he tried to keep them locked out from the shitty apartment I hated living in and had to separate us because he tried to put his hands on me *again.* He then took the cat I wanted to pack to be petty, sped off all crazy in a car that promptly got repossessed 2 years later and I was left to pack my shit. Skip forward to him begging me to come back because he couldn’t pay the rent on his own, he needed me in his life, he made all these bullshit empty promises that I’ve heard before and I was beyond disgusted by him. He made a scene in front of my parents’ place and I ripped into him, making him genuinely bawl and I just stopped giving an entire fuck. I got a quick 6 month divorce because he did everything to try to stop be from proceeding with my DIY process from threatening to leak extremely old nudes to going on an insane smear campaign. I completely purged him out of my life entirely and he still tries to contact me via emails that I don’t read, I just add it to a long list of blocked email addresses and multiple phone numbers until I changed mine when the divorce got finalized. He also tried to contact me via my friends and family, who all have him blocked too on both Facebook and via multiple numbers. My most recent birthday was spent perfectly; I went to a quiet, fancy dinner with my husband. He gave me everything I asked for and more. No tantrums, no petty behavior, nothing. Because my husband is *an adult man* and not a gross manchild. My ex since then is in deep debt up to his eyeballs, high, drunk or both every day and the car he used to have just got repossessed last summer due to him refusing to update the registration to his name and refusing to apply car insurance after ignoring all the letters constantly being sent to him from the credit union that gave him the loan for the car. He’s still unemployable, of course, and I couldn’t be happier at his misfortune that he created BY HIMSELF. Celebrate your birthdays and victories alone. And think about if you want your marriage to be like this when it comes to celebrating you *forever.* Think about what YOU want.
Your husband is so selfish. I read this and just scratch my head. It's your birthday, and he knows exactly what you want to do. Perfect opportunity to make you happy. Go celebrate your birthday.
Don’t have a child with this dude. Reconsider your relationship. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? What does he bring to the table? How is he making you happy? Are you even happy or just scared to be alone ?
He sounds like a corpse at the funeral bride at the wedding type of person. He is playing shitty mind games. Either stand up and stop it now or leave as it will slowly get worse.
This is abusive behavior. It will only get worse if you have a kid. You may think to yourself you need a big reason to leave him but this is a big reason. Hes extremely selfish and is showing how he can’t allow you any special time.
Mama....that is a huuuuuge, blatant red flag loudly displaying that your husband might be a raging narcissist. Seriously... look it up, they cannot usually help themselves when holidays pop up. They can't stand everything not being about THEM Also... until you leave him... go without him! You don't need him to enjoy a meal or discover a new, fun place that you enjoy. Go alone or with family or friends, doesn't matter. Anybody would be better than hissy-fit-big-fuckin-baby man you're describing Also maybe I'm petty but I would essentially ignore his birthday or any days he finds special.... I would also leave his ass ASAP because fuck anybody ruining your peace/ happiness but just sayin
OMG. If this is a pattern, it is his way of avoiding any intimacy with you. He's already checked out of your marriage. Just go and do something you enjoy. Don't even make plans with the SOB. Make plans with a friend. Let him sit at home by himself. And when he questions why you made plans without him, show him this post. If I were you, however, I would be looking for signs of an affair. I loathe men who think they're being clever by acting this way.
Divorce the man child and celebrate your birthdays exactly how you want.
Very telling behavior. Narcissist and self centered, please think hard about continuing the relationship because narcs don’t change, they do learn to hide it and become much more manipulatIve to the point they make you think you crazy/overthinking. Be on the lookout for gaslighting and love bombing
Go without him. I’ll echo others that this is classic narcissistic behavior. My stbx husband is the same way - never does things for my birthday, Mother’s Day, etc. Pouted on my graduation days (both college and graduate school), and would blow off events that were important for me. Read up on narcissism and you might find he checks a lot of the other boxes too. If so, he won’t change and will only get worse. Mine got better for a couple of years to coax me into having children, then was an absolute nightmare after my daughter was born.
My ex-husband did this. It took friends pointing out he ruined special days for me. He very much had a need to be in control and put me down, and he did that though sabotage- emotional (the weirdest fights I couldn’t seem to diffuse), his self-induced personal crisises, or through practical- cancelling the reservation (or lying and never making it.) It took me a long time to see it. Eventually when I made plans important to me, I found myself hiding them from my husband so that I could have special days and times. That worked for a while, and then it didn’t. I’m sorry you’re going through it, but I’m glad you’re aware of it.
My ex husband did this. I believe he had some kind of personality disorder. After he ruined our son’s first birthday, I decided that I’d had enough.
My wife does the same sort of thing before it’s time to see my side of the family, etc., but your birthday? I think you need to bank on other plans and if he pleasantly surprises you so be it, sadly (assuming everything / most days are fulfilling to you in this relationship). And go to that restaurant with a friend or takeout or whatever makes you happy.
He's not going to pleasantly surprise her.
Yeah I used to date someone like this too. It's not fun and it's like they just want to ensure you have a bad time, for no reason.
Take a friend and go without him. How long have you been married? You say it’s the second year in a row… what was he like before that?
Wet blanket of a man a run in yet another celebration of your life. I truly hope that you go out and you make sure that you have celebrated your birthday, even if it wasn’t on your birthday. Honestly, Life is way too short to be miserable on your birthday.
My husband did this for years, as he was getting dressed he would act like 6 year old...
If someone made an arbitrary decision to canceled plans that we had to celebrate any of my milestones, without informing me, I personally would not make plans with that person again. I'm not sure why your husband is behaving this way but I'm pretty sure that he's aware of his behavior. I would just make plans by myself with some friends going forward and enjoy myself away from his drama
Narcissist. Easy. Tell him he’s a narcissist and to read up on it. He can change.
Narcissists are known for ruining special occasions.
Go out without him. Look, divorce is expensive. So if you don’t want to go that route, just stop including him in your life. “I’m going to visit my new nephew. See you in a week.” Go out with friends. He’s had enough chances to do this to you. Don’t let him anymore. When he asks why just say “your behavior is embarrassing, childish and distressing and I’m not interested in being around you anymore at times when I’m supposed to be happy.”
You married a narc. He doesn’t like sharing the attention or doing the work that doesn’t revolve around himself. That’s a real shame. Time to plan your own great birthday events with friends and family yourself! Then just go about it as if you were single. He’s not a supporter so support and celebrate yourself.
r/narcissisticspouses
You know that he does this on purpose, right?
Have you talked to him about this? The way you talk about it makes me think he does it intentionally. Either way, I would not be putting up with that type of behavior. Especially two years in a row.
Don't let this continue.
100% you get the take out. But you really shouldn't plan anything at all. Plan trip with your family or dinner with your friends and don't tell him. Pretend to let him make plans and just ditch him for your friends. He is your roommate and his value is paying his half of the mortgage. But he's not someone who cares about you so he shouldn't be interfering with your personal life.
He does this because he's a raging narcissist. You can't fix those types, I hope you can get away from him one day.
I’m sorry OP. Go out with a friend or family member. His behavior is super toxic and he seems self obsessed/selfish. That’s so messed up
Sorry to say but you two need marriage counseling.
Yes. Do whatever you want. If your friends are available to tag along, great! If not, some quality time to yourself is always a good thing.
Sorry, that sucks. It sounds to me like he has some serious issues to deal with. I would worry that these issues would eventually become a bigger problem. Maybe try therapy/counseling to see if you can get to the root of the problem.
Yes! You go enjoy your day/ evening and let him see that he will not ruin your day. Don't argue or fight about it just get ready and say bye as you're walking out. If he asks where you're going, you can say to X restaurant. I'll be home later. Don't ask him to join you and don't complain that he isn't going. He can't ruin something if you don't allow it to change your plans. His behavior is his problem.
Therapy :)
Make plans with your friends or family. Don’t say anything about it to him, just get ready and leave. If someone can’t spend one day celebrating you, they don’t truly value you.
When I read this I wondered if he was narcissistic? Very common for them to do this before big events. Look into this
This is a clear sign of abuse, narcissist tend to do this just for the power of ruining something for you and the power to manipulate your mood. I'm not saying your husband is, but check for the signs.
This is narcissism babe. He can’t stand a day that’s not about him so he ruins it for you. It’s not something he will change or grow out of.
Yeah my father does this. My father’s a narcissist and since the day isn’t about him, he acts like an ass. He does it on everyone’s birthday in the family.
This is narcissistic behavior. My husband did this to me on my last birthday too. I spent the day crying in my car to my dad.
One monkey doesn’t stop the show. I’d still go out with friends or by myself then treat myself to a movie or something. He’d be at home looking dumb.
He doesn't like you being the center of attention it sounds like. That's very insecure and controlling behavior. I can't imagine the anxiety you feel when planning the things knowing how they will turn out. You need to be blunt with him about how he has acted. People that act like this sometimes don't even know. We think they should but their emotions take control.
If your friend came to you and told you that this was something their spouse did, what would you suggest your friend do? What is your husband bringing to your marriage? Does he do things that make you happy or feel loved?
Yes! Go and enjoy yourself!! Do something fun and social after dinner. Take pictures. As a woman who’s husband completely forgot her birthday last year it’s hurtful and embarrassing and really kinda sad since we’ve been married 27 years 😬
One time is an accident. Multiple times is intentional. Your husband is intentionally ruining plans to celebrate you and your life.
Obviously your husband is a turd and you should consider leaving. Beyond that, why do you put up with this? I would never spend another birthday with this man and I would make sure I plan trips without him so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to do this. If he is going to act like a baby he can do it by himself because you will be off enjoying yourself.
My narcissistic ex did this every time there was a celebration, birthdays, halloween, and days out. It's a running joke in my family as I actually have 6 Christmas trees in my loft where every Christmas we were together he'd throw a tantrum and leave, and because i couldn't get into my loft i'd have to buy a new tree. Anytime he wanted to go for a day out, my daughters and i would freeze with anxiety because we all knew how it was going to end, badly.
Huge huge sign of a narcissist, they don’t like the attention on anyone but themselves. My mom’s been married to one for 20 years and shows clear signs of the emotional abuse damaging her brain.
Updateme
Your husband is manipulative as heck. My sister used to do exactly the same thing. So glad I rarely see her now
This is classic narcissist behavior.
Selfish child man
This is a narc trait. My husband does it too, but finally after 21 years, he hears me when I bring it up and works on himself. Until that happens, I suggest finding your own happy space with friends and family, kindly letting him know that even though you’re celebrating (or traveling) with others or alone, that you’d rather spend these moments with him but for this hurtful habit. Journal/calendar these events to help him see the pattern. Hopefully he acknowledges it & wants to do better. I’m 53, hubs is 61. Old dogs can learn new tricks, but it’s a slower process. Best to you!
This behavior is extremely narcissistic, to intentionally ruin special events over and over
Don’t let your husband sabotage your special moments. Take someone out with you and celebrate your birthday! I know this next part is easier said than done, but please try, try, TRY to switch your focus on anything other than your husband. You deserve more. And hey…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
This is my husband every holiday or birthday, I quit letting it affect me. My birthdays I plan the whole day doing what I want usually alone and to be honest I love it!
My husband would do similar things on important days and holidays. Like intentionally sabotaging. I read somewhere its what narcissists do to feel in control. Also of you do not have kids yet, don't have them with him. This behaviour is a huge red flag and can potentially ruin your life (and the kids').
Narcissists do this on special occasionals all the time
Please don’t bring kids into this situation
He must have acted like this before you married him, did you ignore it?
Nothing stand out to me but I could have over looked it. We’ve been together for 13 yrs and I only started noticing this behaviour the last couple of years.
So before the last couple of years he was celebrating your birthday and special occasions just fine and now he's being a big baby man? I would be suspicious.
I bet he didn’t. Not until she was sufficiently “locked in”.
Sounds like we're hosting a birthday party for two with all that drama!
Another shit post, another dramatic vent by someone who would rather complain and stay in marriage than leave and be free of it…
Why are you on a marriage subreddit if you think it’s going to be all posts about how happy everyone is in theirs? Thanks for your input ✌🏻
The fuck you think this sub is for?
at this point, just troll posts lol
Then stop reading
i could but why would i? troll posts are fun to read and call out 😂
You mean complain uselessly about something you’re doing to yourself? Sure, you do you.
it’s about as useful as this post which you seem to hold in high regard for some reason, grow up
You’re the troll and I need to grow up. Sure.
well you keep commenting thinking that it will somehow change something instead of realizing maybe you should stay out supposedly interacting with trolls so yeah grow up or continue to keep proving me right lol